Thursday, March 25, 2004

pinions of buddy don:
faith-based gummint


tiz a awful shame how sum folks wonts to pick on the gummint of mr bush. i reckon them folks jes aint gut the faith it takes to be part of a faith-based gummint. that bein the case, thays nuthin fer em to do but quit, witch that mite be ok, but why do they half to start tellin thangs bout the gummint they dont bleeve in? jes cawz they jes caint brang tharselves to bleeve in revelashuns, witch i aint talkin bout the last book in the bible but bout all them thangs god has deecided he wood reveal to his chosen leader, mr bush, aint no reason to trash whut others is trine to bleev.


corse ye probly need to give them folks -- yer paul o'neils n eric shinsekis n wurse of all, yer richard clarkes, witch tiz funny how his name is almos the same as 'dick clark' of amurkin bandstand fame -- ye probly need to give these faith-challenged folks a lil benefit of the doubt in a more or less 'luv the sinner, hate the sin' kinda way n heres why.


twuz mark twain who pointed out how even yer avridge skoolboy knows the obveeus fack bout faith:



It was the schoolboy who said, "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."


sad to say, thays folks that jes caint git past whut they know to whar they kin have the kinda faith ye need to be a member in good standin in mr bushs addministrayshun. fer sum reason, they jes caint see how lucky we all are in amurka to have a presdint lack mr bush who wuz chose by god, witch as we probly all member, god had to intrupt the vote-countin to git the spreme cort to make it ole fishy offishull.

corse ye knew god wuz gonna cum thru fer us n pick the rite guy. aint nobidy claimin god is a dimcrat, whuther the 'd' is big or not.

lots of folks is upset over that thar seleckshun of 2000, but seems lack they aint cunsidderd the benefits of havin a presdint who starts with the cunclushun n then wurks back to the reasons why the cunclushun must be true. thays sum that jes keeps on a astin, how kin he know tiz true? n the anser couldnt be simpler: mr bush knows his cunclushuns is true on a counta how they wuz reveald to im. lease thats all i kin figger.

so lets list the benefits of havin a presdint chose by god n instruckted by revelashuns:



  1. ye dont half to pay no tenchun to so-called facks of science, witch that means ye kin jes ignore them silly reports on global warmin yer own beaurockracy cums out with. ifn god dint wont us all the have the benefit of global warmin, he woodnta revealed the secrets of burnin thangs with far or makin thangs go usin infernal cumbustchun.


  2. ye kin also ignore the report frum the pentagon on the same subjeck, witch tiz a lil too late to stop the apockalips, so why waste time a'trine?


  3. ye dont half to pay no tenchun to them folks that thanks stem cells aint folks lack yew or me, witch that means ye dont half to let all them docters n such cum up with new cures fer old diseases, witch thats good on a counta how mos of the money spent on health care is fer trine to keep ole people alive n ifn ye keep wipin out diseases n keepin ole people alive, purty soon medicare will be insolvunt. seems purty obveeus god has splained to mr bush how ye gut to quit makin all that medicull progress on a counta ifn ye dont stop it purty soon, ye lackly to be overrun with ole people n nex thant ye know yer a'gone have a nuther florda on yer hands. witch a nuther one of the problems with them ole people is how they lacks to vote n keep up on thangs, witch that means they could git tharselves confused by facks n lose thar faith.


  4. ye dont half to wurry bout makin yer budget add up, witch fer one thang, twuz sumthin that beelzebubba clinton dun, witch that meant creatin all them jobs n makin folks go to wurk n changin welfar n all. dint beelzebubba know how folks hates to wurk? thays a slew of em that dont half to wurry bout wurkin ever since mr bush wuz seleckted.


  5. corse, sum folks thanks that creatin all them jobs n makin the buget add up wuz good thangs, even if clinton wuz the one that dun em, witch that jes shows how low faith has dun fallen on a counta how everbidy knows how ifn clinton dun it, mr bush has to go tuther way on a counta how twuz reveald to the publican spin machine how beelzebubba wuz evil in-car-nate n desurved to have $70 million spent trine to git the reasons fer that cunclushun.


  6. ye dont half to pay no tenchun to folks lack richard clarke, witch twuz the verr same clarke that wuz trine to git mr bush offn the track of pertecktin us all usin stars wars, witch thatn takes a lil faith to bleev in also on a counta how it dont wurk n seemed lack mr clarke had more faith in beelzebubba than in god mr bush.


  7. whenever ye cum into offus, ye dont half to pay no tenchun to them deeciples of beelzebubba who thanks ye orte spend a hole lotta time -- not to menchun politicull capitull that ye need to git more importunt thangs dun lack givin the rich sum tax relief -- goin after sumbidy lack osama bin laden, witch whenever ye thank about it, ifn god hadda meant fer mr bush to stop osama, then ye gut to wonder how wood god have been able to give mr bush his definin moment?


  8. bes of all, ye kin deetermine how twuz iraq n saddam hussain that needed attackin on a counta all the wmd he had n how he used chemiculls we sold him on the folks of iran n them in kurdistan n all. bes thang is, all ye gut to do is keep on a'sayin saddam n osama often a nuff till folks caint hardly tell the differnts: tiz the resureckshun of the big lie.

thays plenty other benefits, but i reckon ye gut the idee. tiz time fer folks to look deep inside thayselves. ifn ye try hard a nuff, ye mite could bleev everthang ye wood need to bleev to have the faith ye need to bleev whut mr bush bleevs, witch ifn ye dont bleev it, why dont ye jes shut up?


thang is, with folks lack paul o'neil, eric shinseki, richard clarke, or even richard foster, witch they wuz able to cunvints mr foster to keep his job by keepin his trap shut, with folks lack that leevin yer addministrayshun n then turnin into virtchul trayters, it kindly makes ye wunder how gods chosen presdint could make so minny miss takes by hirin such instermints of evil. but then ye member how god lacks to test folks.


i reckon mr bush is passin the test on a count how he never loses his faith no matter how minny evil facks keep a'cummin out.


ok then. im shuttin up fer now.

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