life of buddy don: frum the trenches of 'the street'

up n down wall street, witch them that wurks thar generly calls it 'the street,' innywho, up n down 'the street' this munth or last or mayhap nex accordin to whar on the street a bidy wurks, thar havin whut everbidy lacks to call 'compensayshun day.' on this day everbidy gits his or her number, meanin whut thar bonus will be.

now thays a slew of folks all over this cuntry that hates the idee of wall street bankers gittin huge bonuses while thar cumpnys bizness is in the toilet. thanks to how bad thangs have gut, the message has cum thru, witch the reesult hits all of us, whuther we wooda made a big bonus or sum annual chump change.

so how do thangs cum out? mos houses on wall street lack to call tharself 'full compensayshun shops,' meanin that ye look at everthang ye gut, bonus included, to figger out how ye dun.

this year we dun terrbull as everbidy knows. we are lucky thays lites on in the bildins whar we wurk. to kindly try to balance thar books n git the folks on main street to quit talkin bout bonuses, this year we purty much dint git one or gut sumthin so small that it dont matter much.

whut that cums out to is that ever sangle persun wurkin at a firm lack goodbank whar i wurk has to take a cut in pay, sumwhar twixt 10 and 15 per cent. tiz hard news to hear jes befor chrismus n smile bout afterds, but whut ye gone do?

this years bonus fer them amung us that has jobs turns out the be ... havin jobs!

i fer one aint nuthin but thankfull even if we wont have nuthin to spend on hallday gifts, lease not lack we have had in the past. mayhap we will make all our gifts.

heres hopin ye dont have to have no drasticull cut in yer wages jes to keep yer job.

heres hopin ye gut a job to keep.

reckolleckshuns of buddy don: ruff day yesterdy

i bin wurkin on wall street fer 20 years now n whut happend yesterdy is kindly a annual event, ceptin that generly they lets the 'ded wood' go n then rebild n such. but whenever the markets tank the way they bin a'doin lately, then ye kin dam betchye that them wall street firms wont be employin nobidy they caint make mony on. i aint blamin em, but tiz the kinda thang that makes fer a verr long n difficult day.

turnt out that yesterdy wuz jes the secunt round (i dint even know till then that i had dun made it past the furst round) with a thurd round on the way. twuz a day whar not a hole lot gut dun on a counta folks wuz too busy gossipin bout who gut let go. thay wuz a list of names a good minny of us knew n twuz sad to thank of em a'bein gone. i wish i could say i wuz outta the woods fer this yer -- and i gut purty good reason to thank mayhap i mite could be -- but i wont know fer shore fer a nuther few weeks.

on a counta thangs wurks lack this. furst they cut the part of goodbank (whar i wurk) that takes keer of reglar investers on a counta thar all spooked by the latest bad news n 'stayin on the sidelines,' witch i dont know whut that sez bout whar thar a'puttin thar mony, but could be a mattress of sumthin. innywho, they aint as much call fer finanshull analysts to take keer of em ifn they aint astin fer keer. so a slew of them folks wuz let go, long with the folks that makes shore thar cumputers wurks.

nex bunch to go is them that wurks in the institushunull bizness, witch thats the part that handles big investers, institushuns n such. them that wuz tradin debt n such n them thats tradin equities n who knows whut all else, well, they were bound to suffer, long with 'back office' folks. so thay wuz a passel of names i knew n people i lacked a lot that aint a'gone be a'wurkin thar. these folks is in groups they call 'bu-aligned,' witch that means theys all devoted to takin keer of a particlar bizness unit.

nex (n last?) roun is the 'horizontull' groups that wurks on makin thangs better across the entire firm. n thats whar my group cum in.

i am deelited with how my boss n his boss handled thangs, speshly whenever the big boss gatherd us all in a room to give us the lowdown so fer as he knew it.

i sed i wuz feelin purty optimistick my ownself, n thats on a counta i run into the big boss in the cafeteria jes after i had dished me out sum oatmeal. i hattent seen im in a long while n dint even notiss he wuz thar, but he calld me over n tole me how importunt whut i bin a'doin is (i am a'wurkin in knowledge management) n how our plan for the year is a goodun n all. he even paid fer my oatmeal, so mayhap i kin stay aroun.

i shore hope so on a counta i aint never wurked at such a good place, lease in terms of the managemint i been a'gittin.

so me n miz bd will celebrate a lil this weekend n look ford to mayhap gittin past the next cut ... n ifn sumhow i dont make it thru, we will jes be a'startin out on a new add ventchur.

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home improovmints of buddy don: new heater

yue mite coulda eggspeckted whut happend. me n miz bd has been a'livin here in this rite nice apartmint fer nigh onto 8 years now n thangs is startin to brake. whenever we tuck the place back in 2000, everthang in it wuz brand new. now sum of them thangs is a'wearin out. the heater gut to makin a awefull noise ere it quit a'wurkin atall. the mike-row-wave dun the same a lil while ago, but we figgerd we could live without it till we could buy a new'un on a counta it cost as much to fix the ole one as to buy a new'un.

innywho, that heater knew when to die, witch twuz rite at the beginnin of the coldest spell we dun had this year. it tuck em a lil over a week to order the reeplacemint, witch they cum to putt it in on saturdy (makin us wait aroun near all day fer em). but the new heater is much bettern the ole one on a counta it has a thermostat n a sleep mode n all, but the best thang bout it by far (cumparrd to the old one) is how tiz so quite.

thang is, whenever ye lose sumthin ye doot hardly thank bout on a counta how well it wurks, ye git to real eyesin jes how much ye orta be countin them blessins ye dont hardly notiss till thar gone.
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notes of buddy don: bout the new chaptur

i real eyes how tiz almos impossibull fer innybidy to pick up the story here after i wudnt able to rite nary a wurd on it fer over a year. ifn ye wuz to look back on it, ye wood find out how twuz rite after ritin that last chaputr on februwairy 2 of last year that i gut into a long streak of migraines, witch i wuz out on short term disbilty fer 2.5 munths on a count of it. i half to add mitt fear of them migraines kep me offn that ritin horse fer a while, but ye caint jes give up.

so ifn ye wonta ketch up with the story, furst heres a list of them careackters frum the story in the part thats a'goin on: ritin of buddy don: care ackter list

nex, heres whar sum of them chapturs leadin up to thisn are:

• re-rites of buddy don, chapter 141: thonly white man in heaven
• life of buddy don, chapter 142: emilys cumplaint
• life of buddy don, chapter 143: buyin a car
• life of buddy don, chapter 144: a hauntin questchun
• life of buddy don, chapter 145: puzzles of the hart
• life of buddy don, chapter 146: the strange summer of 1983

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life of buddy don, chapter 147: a lesson in looseburg

long tords the end of august in 1983, we tuck us a lil trip to looseburg sos emily could see all her folks ere the fall quarter wuz in full swang. we had spent our time readin n watching baseball on tee vee n in my case wurkin on a reevishun of crap notes n playin racketball everday over at the y n seein sum of the folks that we wuz in graduwait skool with. i seen a lot of bud rankin n billy stewart on a counta bud needed lots of talk bout his marrg brakin up n billy couldnt never git a nuff racketball to suit im. we all missd johnny mayhew sumthin awfull n bud vowed he wood move on up to new york city lack johnny dun. i dint thank nuthin much wood cum of that on a counta how he had gut hisself sined up to teach three classes over at ut, but i kep my mouth mosly shut.

we wuz packin up our stuff the nite before we wuz a’gone drive across the state whenever sharon worth cum by fer a visit. she had dinner with us n stayed till bout 10, mosly talkin bout cassandra. odd thang wuz how emily wuz jes as innerested in the topick as i wuz, speshly whenever sharon sed she hated to say it, speshly in frunt of miz duncan, but she bleeved cassandra wuz in luv with mr d, witch thats whut all em students wuz a’callin me by then. she even sed cassandra had dun tole her she hoped mr d wood be the one to ‘deeflower’ her, witch wuz jes the way she sed it n ye wood swear she wuz blushin only ye couldnt tell fer sartin.

that putt me to wundern bout how could she have been raped ifn she still wonted to be deeflowerd n later on emily splaind how she had tuck cassandra to the gynacallgist fer a checkup n they couldnt do no pap smear on a counta they couldnt git nuthin in thar she wuz so tite. i ast emily how could all these facks add up to innythang n emily sed she figgerd twuz lackly that a rape dint count as no deeflowerin, witch that wood be sumthin a woman gives willinly, not that emily wonted me to be the one to take it, n mayhap after the rape cassandra gut so skeerd to whar she sealed rite up sum kinda way.

nex day emily gut to wurryin bout leavin the apartment fer so long n how twood be possibull that sumbidy could brake in n go thru all our thangs n sumhow figger out witch book of the two thousund we had that she had hid our certificate of deeposit on the cee dee we had bought, so i ast her could she find it, n after a lil search she did. i tuck it over to the bank n gut us one of them safety deeposit boxes n putt it in thar. corse that ment we gut a late start, witch that ment we wuz late gittin to looseburg n couldnt pick up maureen frum her wurk lack we wuz spozed to have dun. in sted, we had to stop in nashvull n search fer a fone booth sos we could call to splain how we wood be late.

but maureen wood fergive mos innythang n turnt out they wuz plannin to go shoppin at the mall, so we gut her n drove out to columbya to the mall whar emily turnt her nose up at about fifty differnt parr of shoes, so we give it up n drove on into looseburg. twuz a fridy evenin, so bout as quick as we gut home, along cum milton n his wife n daughter, witch we spent the evenin drankin n laffin n fer them, smokin so minny cigarettes to whar ye could see the air.

nex day we wint over to see nanny. she had cooked a big ole lunch of fried chicken, sweet taters, fried corn, green beans, fried apples, home made cole slaw, macaroni n cheese, corn bread, sliced tomaters, iced tea n a deesert of peach cobbler. nanny gut her feelin hurt ifn ye dint have two plates, so i wuz one stuffed lad by the time we wuz reddy to leave. i wish i could say thonly thang i member bout that visit wuz the grate food, but whut i member most whuz how nanny ast me did i ever half to touch my students on the skin. twuz such a odd questchun that i dint ever fergit it.

i dont member whut i ansered nor even ifn i did. i do member feelin a lil awkwurd till she ast me could i git rid of sum waspers that had dun built three nests round her house. she give me a long broom n ast could i run fast. i sed i coult but that i wood be rite back. i drove down to the otasco hardware store n gut a can of that vigaro stuff that kills waspers n sprayed it on them nests n then knocked em down. twuz a blessin to have that to do whenever i wuz feelin so odd bout her questchun. corse i had dun touched my students on a counta i had this habit of shakin thar hands n hi fivin n such. but whut gut me mos bout it wuz how i had such fantasies of makin luv to cassandra, dreamin of touchin her all over her bidy. i hate to add mitt it, but that gut to be one of the mane fantasies that wood hep me with my evenin handshake on them nites whenever emily wudnt in the mood fer luvin.

after that i tuck emily home sos she n her mama could drive back up to the mall in search of shoes whilst i wint over to miltons to drank beer n watch the cubs on tee vee. milton wuz in rare form, as they say, tellin jokes n lettin me know jes how much he add mired me fer teachin over at that nigger collidge, witch he couldnt hardly git thru a sentence without usin the wurds ‘goddamm’ n ‘nigger.’ once wurk wuz over his wife cum home n she wuz steamd to find milton drankin on a counta we wuz all a’gone over to maureens that evenin fer a big dinner party n she dint wont him acktin out, but he sed he wuz fine.

then his daughter charnell cum home n tole im she wonted to brang her boyfrien to the party. he ast her who he wuz n she tole im twuz sum feller name of keith or kevin or sum name startin with the letter k. then he ast her wuz he a white boy n she sed, ‘daddy! whut do yew thank?’ so he tole her he had been a’thankin bout sumthin he had been meanin to tell her n me bein thar putt im in mind of it, witch he wonted her to know thay wuz two goddammed thangs that wood brake the hart of ever daddy in amurka n thay wuz ifn thar chile wuz to git involved in drugs n ifn she wuz to git herself involved with a nigger, witch whenever he sed that he turnt to me n tole me he dint mean no offents.

i wisht i hadda known whut to anser back, but i wuz fresh out of wurds fer once. twuz the secunt moment in that trip whar all i could thank bout wuz my fantasies n how i wuz dun involved n fer that matter, in a odd sorta way, so wuz emily. ye mite could be wundern why wood i spend inny time with a feller lack milton, witch i wuz wundern the same thang long bout then, but fack wuz, twuz eggspeckted on a counta him bein such a frien to the fambly. he had ‘been thar’ fer emily durin sum awfull times n had ‘been thar’ fer maureen when thangs wuz rocky whenever she n pete wuz brakin up n had even gut between the two of em whenever pete wuz gittin a lil too ruff, so twernt as simple as sayin ye dint wonta sit down n drank beer with such a feller.

but thay wuz more toot than that n tiz sumthin bout me that i cant say whuther tiz good or bad n that is how i have verr often been in places with folks that minny a nuther person wood not find wurthy of thar cumpny, but i couldnt never git to whar i could judge nobidy all that well. wurser, i always lacked watchin em n storin up the memries of how they wuz acktin on a counta thankin maybe sumday i wood use em in a story or whutever. so minnys the time i wuz thar but more lack a specktater than a participunt.

or mayhap i am makin eggscuses. but it dont matter nun on a counta ifn i hadnt spent the afternoon watchin baseball n drankin beer with milton, i wuz a’gone be spendin the evenin with a hole bunch of folk over at maureens: milton n his wife jackelin n savannah n keith or kevin n red wilson n his wife miko n a frien frum japan name of yoko (lack in yoko ono only twudnt her) n maureens bes frien polly. we had stakes n baked taters n salads n dinner rolls n all the iced tea ye could hold. then twuz time to pore the whisky n putt on sum musick n dance a lil n laff n tell jokes n stories n such, all the while drankin n everbidy but me smokin a steddy stream of cigarettes till i had to go outside ever now n agin jes to breath.

everthang wuz fine till pete smith showed up. he wuz a stankin mess, still wearin his orange huntin vest n drunk as yer proverbyull skunk. he made a kindly scene whenever maureen dint wonta dance with im n rite then i seen why milton wuz such a friend to maureen on a counta pete wuz gittin to whar he lackly wooda hit her but milton stood up n tuck out his eye n ast pete did he wont it. pete ast im whut wuz he spozed to do with his bes friens glass eyeball. he sed mayhap twood hep im see whut a fool he wuz makin outta his self. now ye mite could thank pete wooda flew mad bout that, but he jes kindly laffed n sed he reckund twuz time fer im to be gittin home innywho.

corse it hit emily lack a baseball bat in the back of the noggin. she wint to her room a’crine n that wuz the end of the party fer me. seems lack tutherns kep on drankin n such, but we gut to bed n gut to talkin bout how she couldnt trust nobidy ifn her own daddy wood do her thataway. i sed it dint seem to me lack he wuz a’doin nuthin to her but more to maureen, witch she tole me i must not be able to understand the simplest thang. i sed twuz so but whenever she ast me to hold er, jes hold er, i knew a nuff to doot till she wuz sleepin, witch i eased er into the bed n tuck off her jeans n let her sleep in her flannel shirt n bra n knee socks. she had nitemares that nite n woke up maybe three times astin me wood i hold her agin, witch i dun it evertime till we drifted back off to sleep.

nex mornin i wuz up early to read n drank coffee n chat with maureen while she wuz cookin up a big brakefuss of country ham n fried eggs n biskits n sweet milk gravy n coffee n orange juice, witch i squeezed that to do my lil part. maureen kep pallgizin bout pete cummin by as ifn she had planned it. i couldnt thank of nuthin to say, so i let er talk n dint say how i dint see it bein sumthin she had dun. purty soon the brakefuss wuz reddy so she went to git emily n we et.

fer sum reason, emily tole me i had abandoned er n left er unperteckted by lettin maureen wake er up. that gut us into a lil fuss n fite on a counta i tole her twernt possibull fer me to know that she orten to be awoken by her own mother n that led her to tell me she had dun lost all the progress she had made with her counselor, witch she had been seein a feller name of jim buckminster, who he wuz a grad student a’studyin hed shrankin n she had er a kinda crush on im. she figgerd she had made a lot of progress durin thar meetins but that this horribull trip home had set er back to wurser than whenever she had started a’seein im. i dint hardly know whut to say on a counta it dint seem to me she wuz so bad off, but she dint see it thataway. i dint know whut twuz lack to have pete smith fer a daddy, she pointed out, witch that wuz the truth. i dint know whut twuz lack to have all these small minded cuntry racists fer her fambly n how she wuz shamed to brang me thar n putt me thru all that.

this hole fuss n fite kep up whilst we drove out to the cuntry, witch thats how emily putt it whenever we wint to visit her grandmother out at her uncle terrys in cornersvull. ye wood thank we wood burst frum all the food we et! they had been cookin since early lite n thay wuz fried chickin n ham n turnup greens n biskits n gravy n mashed taters n sweet taters n corn on the cob n fried okra n bof apple n chocklutt pie fer deesert n aint not doubt i missed sum of the food they served us.

after we had et we all sat out on the back porch fer a good three or four hours of sittin n talkin n such. the kids had em sum rabbits that they wuz feedin n playin with n they gut me to ride horses with em fer a while. i member cummin back with my legs so tired i could barely cross em whenever i herd grandmother splainin to emily n terry n sister how awful it had been in the hospitull, witch i reckun she had been in overnite not too long befor we cum to visit. i wonted to git up n walk away whenever she splaind whut wuz so awful: ‘they orta treat a bidy bettern that. that nigger nurse putt her hands all over me, jabbin me with needles n acktin lack she wuz jes a’doon her job, but i know she wuz bein ruff on purpose.’ i couldnt tell ifn this kinda talk bout black folk had always been a’goin on or ifn i wuz jes noticin it on a counta how i wuz teachin at knoxvull collidge. i reckun twuz always thar but i hadnt larnt to here it fer whut twuz.

on the drive back home to knoxvull emily tuck up the same fuss n fite of a topick we had been a’havin on the way out to the cuntry only by then twudnt no fuss n fite. insted she couldnt tell me a nuff how shamed she wuz of her folks n her home n how she hated bein two folks, the person she really wuz in knoxvull n the person she had to be whenever she cum back home. she ast me did i know whut she ment n i tole er i figgerd i mite could.

i wont never fergit that trip. we et a nuff to sank a battleship, witch twill give ye a idee of whut a bidy duz in looseburg other than drank n smoke cigarettes. ye eat till ye could burst, meal after meal, all of em as deelishus as ye could ever hope fer. but thay wuz a lesson fer me thar n i figgerd i wuz startin to larn it whenever emily ast me wuz i lookin ford to seein cassandra agin? i dint say nuthin fer a mint n she sed she knew i wuz n odd thang wuz, so wuz she.

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missed events of buddy don: miz bds wurds at a funeral

as i menchunned last mundy, one of miz bds furst cusins passed away last sundy. miz bd wuz able to make it to the funeral, whar she wuz ast to say a few wurds after the preacher had sed his few. i wuz later tole by everbidy how i wooda been proud of miz bd, as ifn i wudnt alreddy bout to burst with pride at havin her (the bestn) in my life.

miz bds mama wuz kind a nuff to type up them wurds, witch that makes it possibull fer me to share em with ye. ifn ye dint dun alreddy know bout why i am so proud of havin the luv of my life fer my wife, ye kin git ye a lil idee here:

Linda
1948-2007

The word “Linda” means “beautiful” in Spanish. That was the perfect name for our Linda, because she WAS beautiful.

Yes, she knew all the various ways to fluff up hair and highlight eyes and add a little color to cheeks and lips. She knew how to add the decorations, too, right down to the practical aspects of piercing ears with a sewing needle and an ice cube. What she didn't know was that she didn't really need any enhancements: she was just plain beautiful. But Linda was not the first name I knew her by. To me, her adoring younger cousin, she was half of PatsynLinda. It took me quite awhile to think of Patsy and Linda as separate people, partly because it seemed like they were always together. PatsynLinda helped me learn to read. PatsynLinda taught me to dance along with the latest 45 rpm records.

It was always a holiday when PatsynLinda came to visit. And getting to visit them was an exotic vacation. On one visit, when I was in junior high school, I got to go to school with Linda for a day. She was in high school then, planning to go on to college and a career. But life had other plans for Linda. After she finished high school, she became a mother, so on my next visit she taught me how to take care of a baby.

Lee was still just a toddler when Linda went to work in a factory. I got to babysit him now and then, and I remember Linda coming home from work with machine oil under her fingernails. She might not have believed it, but her hands were still beautiful even then.

One day she came home unusually happy. She'd met this wonderful guy named Bill, and he'd asked her out. Bill was able to look right past Linda's factory-worker hands and see how beautiful she was.

Bill tells me it snowed the day they met, so what you see on the ground out there is just Linda's way of saying goodbye.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Bill and Linda got married and brought even more beauty into the world: Lee's lovely sister Belina, who looks so much like her mother.

In what seems like the blink of an eye, another generation came along, and now Bill and Linda have three beautiful grandchildren.

Science tells us that the actual physical material that makes up our bodies is completely replaced every few months, so what makes us what we are, and who we are, is not the physical but the spiritual, a pattern of energy.

Linda's physical body won't be with us anymore, but her energy remains.

I will remember Linda every time I sing along with an old rock-n-roll song on the radio, every time I put on makeup or try to fix my hair. I will remember her whenever I do something good for my health. I will remember her when I think of one of our favorite places: the old swimming hole at Potter's Falls in Tennessee. I will remember all the things, and all the ways she taught me about the beauty of this world.

Thank you, Linda.

And on behalf of Linda's family, I thank all of you for being here to honor her today.

With love,
[miz duncan]
February 8, 2007

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mixed happy ness of buddy don: glad fer them colts, but ...

yesterdy we gut sum bad news: one of miz bds furst cusins passed away after a long struggle with cancer. she n miz bd wuz close in age n all so it kindly putt a damper on our happy ness to see them colts win, to see my dungy git his furst trophy, to see peyton manning git his.

twuz a reeminder of the most importunt facks. we live, we luv or not, we die. sum win, sum lose, but ever last one of us has gut to die. may she rest in peace.

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innerduckshuns of buddy don: the author

i been promissin a feller i wood innerduce im n let im have a say, witch he holds to the mistuck bleef that he runs thangs here. he claims he is the author of this here blog, witch that dont hardly make no cents on a counta tiz clear i have dun writ everthang thats yet been writ on this here blog, ceptn them thangs i quoted.

but hes a verr insistent feller, witch we kin call im stubb on a counta hes so stubborn he wood argue with a fence post n blame it fer not upholdin fer itself. i am sick of his arguin over the keybird, so without futher do-do, here he is, the author:

One of the many odd things about my creation of buddy don duncan, a vehicle I created in order to tell a long story, is how he became an almost independent "person." My original plan was to work out his use of the hillbilly dialect I grew up around. I wanted to make sure it had a fairly consistent grammar and spelling.

My plan was not to do scholarship, to attempt to claim I could speak for all speakers of the dialect. As far as I can tell, there are regional differences between New River and Wartburg, much more between Lake City (once known as Coal Creek) and Oak Ridge. So my plan was simply to codify as well as I could the form of speech used by my family when they gathered for events such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. No matter what the context of the family's gathering, the high point was the telling of tales from the family history.

Though my grandparents' generation and my father's were educated, when it came time to tell tales, they always slipped into the folksy dialect of the hills. In some cases, this was deliberate, but there were several non-standard usages that were believed to be correct: Vick's Vapor Rub was always called "Vicks Save," meaning "Vicks Salve" with "salve" pronounced as "Save." As a sickly child, I believed that it was something meant to "save" the patient, and it helped me breathe through many sick nights. That's a small example, but there were many: "Vie-eenna" sausages, "putt" for "put," "tuck" for "took," "skillet" for "pan," "vittles" for "food," "uphold for yourself" for "defend your position," use of double-negatives to increase the degree of negativity (not to negate it) among others.

When I studied the philosophy of language in West Germany in the 1970s, I learned that English usage in the mountains of East Tennessee more closely resembles that of the English used during Shakespeare's time than English usage anywhere else in the world. Because of its isolation, East Tennessee's moutain communities continued such usage long past the time that English elsewhere in America was becoming more homogenized.

Once I began practicing this dialect using buddy don as my mouthpiece, I was surprised to find I'd begun a novel. I'd originally planned the writing of such a novel, but I always thought of it as something I would turn to someday. My habit of writing was well-established, and I figured once I had a better handle on life and truth and beauty, I would be able to take the raw material of my life and the stories I learned from other people and the stories from their lives and mix them all into a huge cauldron of the life and times of our country during the latter quarter of the 20th century.

But instead, the novel was what happened to me while I was busy practicing the language of the novel I was someday planning to write: the novel you write is what happens to you while you're busy making plans to write a different novel.

Once the novel broke out, it amazed me, the author, as much as it could have amazed anyone else. A lot of that had to do with the dialect I hoped to have buddy don use to tell his tale.

I have been fortunate enough in my life to learn two languages in addition to English: German and Spanish. I learned the former the "proper" way by studying at the university and then spending time living in a German-speaking country. I learned the latter the better way (but not "proper" way, according to language experts at universities) by meeting someone who spoke Spanish and learning it by using it as often as possible.

In each case, as I did so, I began to feel as if I had dug new deep ruts in my mind, ruts where German is spoken and where Spanish is spoken, both of them off the beaten track of English. When I say ruts, I am referring to the kind of ruts that develop in the backwoods, where there are deep tire tracks for the road and it's hard to drive anywhere but in the ruts. Once in the rut of Spanish, it's very difficult to steer the verbal vehicle out of the Spanish rut to speak German: all of the common terms want to come out in Spanish.

What most amazed me from this exercise was that I discovered a rut for buddy don's dialect that was as deep as any I'd dug for either of the non-English languages I had learned (not mastered, but I can "uphold for myself" in each of them fairly well).

And that led to a different and very pleasant surprise: writing as buddy don, using the rut I'd run through the wilderness of my creative mind to move my story along, led to better writing. When writing as buddy don, I don't have have the luxury of over-explaining things, which is a tendency I fight unsuccessfully in my usual writing.

It got to the point that I almost felt – Strike that, I should be more honest: I almost feel as if buddy don is a separate creature from me. My wife (buddy don's "miz bd") and I often speculate about what buddy don will write on a given morning.

But I also discovered more than that. Through the vehicle of buddy don and his dialect rut, I found myself reliving much of my life, looking at it as if through the eyes of a stranger, even though I am myself that stranger, or at least his "creator" or "author." Still, it has led to a lot of work on myself and re-evaluation of what I have done with my life and what I believe.

In addition, it's taken its toll in health matters. I haven't written a chapter on life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly since life of buddy don, chaptur 145: puzzles of the hart. The day after posting that chapter I got a migraine attack and remained under its spell for 17 days. That led to a period of two and a half months of short-term disability, during which some of my doctors suggested I face reality and prepare to accept long-term disability. (I am much too young to consider that!)

But I have since found myself a little gun shy about picking up the story again. I have written the final chapter of the entire thing, have it all "outlined" in my mind, know what I have left to do with the novel, but I greatly fear the possibility that messing with such topics as honestly as I have been trying to do via the voice of buddy don, I am risking further misery. I truly don't know if there is a relation between my writing and my migraines, but every time I prepare to write the next chapter, I find myself flinching, as if to avoid the blow I know is likely to follow.

Despite that, I know I have to continue if I am to do what I am on this earth to do (insofar as any of us can know what we are here to accomplish, I know that writing this huge novel is part of my reason for being). It would be easy if I had lived the life of a saint, but I haven't even come close to that. The next chapters begin taking me through a long and shameful part of my life, which though fictionalized and changed to make a better story, to get closer to "truth" than I believe "non-fiction" can do, will still be hard for me to confront as honestly as I need to do to reach my goal for this work.

In addition to that, as the story gets closer to the present (and it's still 24 years in the past at the moment), more and more of the characters can be mistaken by readers for historical people. I am taking the grist of history and using the mill of creativity to make something new. Any resemlance to the originals is pure luck on my part, if not lack of talent or just lazy writing. Even so, some of the people I know might mot realize what I am doing and want to "correct the record," as it were. But there is no record to correct: I am not trying to record the history of my world but to create a new world to illustrate the truths and morals that do not come from an accurate accounting of the non-fictional record.

So there are many risks involved with writing the next chapter, and for that reason, it has been almost a year since I attempted one (the draft of the last being completed on January 27, 2006). Despite those risks, for me the greater risks are in not completing what I have begun, in not having the courage to face all my demons, living and dead, real and imagined, threats to personal health or not.

To do that, I have to be able to quit chasing the will o'the wisp of politics. The little poems I write on topical subjects have very temporary worth, going out of date almost as soon as they are written. Commentary on politics only gives the amen chorus what they need to continue shouting "Amen!" But I truly do not believe anyone has a change of belief or viewpoint on the basis of reading what buddy don duncan has to say about any issue.

Enough of that! I hope from now on to devote myself to that, giving myself days off to do politics and such since I can't write a chapter every single day. But I must get back to writing that. I'm about to be on the planet for the 55th time it has circled the sun since I was born: there is no time to waste!

(ifn ye wonta make a comment, ye gut to click on 'link' below.)

life of buddy don, chapter 146: the strange summer of 1983

the summer of 1983 wuz one of the strangest of my life. fer one thang, i dint half to wurk or attend skool all summer long, witch that give me plenty of time to rite n read a lot of novels n do all them other thangs i kept tellin myself wuz whut i wonted to do with my life. as it happens, i hardly writ a wurd innywhar, even in my diary. tiz sumthin i have notissd bout myself, witch i only kin git myself to rite whenever i barely have time to do innythang atall. but i did git a lot of readin dun n watched a lot of baseball on tv.

but that wudnt whut made it strange. nor wuz it the fack that twuz a time of relativ prosperty fer us on a counta how me n brew sold our share of the farm to virgil n mj. i wont bore ye with all the fussn n fitin we had to get thru before me n emily had our share. tiz a nuff to say that mj suspected us of cheatin her ever step of the way till the deal wuz dun, witch she felt she beat us then only we dint keer much. twuz a nuff to have it over with n to be dun with all the trubles ownin land together brung us.

corse havin a lil more money than emily figgerd on us gittin wuz a lil strange. we bought us one of them money market cds at 10.09% intrest n agreed to spend a exter $500 frum the deal as 'mad money', witch the mane thang we dun wuz git us a stereo that wurked after having a mono thang emily had gut fer christmus whenever she wuz in jr hi skool. we had cumpletely missd groups lack the police n the talking heads n the eurhythmics n even prince and michael jackson, witch we started catchin up rite away. that summer we musta listend to thriller n synchronicity n sweet dreams a million times.

in them days we wuz big baseball fans, witch emily rooted fer them houston astros on a counta bein sweet on alan ashby n i wuz a lifelong philadelphia phillies fan. in them days, ye could see ever braves game on tv thanks to the superstayshun n ye could see them cubs playin ever afternoon on a counta wgn bein broadcast everwhar n them cubs not playin nite games at home. so we spent minny a afternoon readin books n watchin baseball, witch ye could cumbine em by readin till the big plays cum up.

but that dint make thangs strange, jes nice. nor wuz it the fack that we house sat fer the morgans fer about a munth, tho twuz a lil odd to be livin over in west knoxvull in a fine house with a verr shy cat.

nor wuz it the fack that so minny of the old friends we had in graduwait skool wuz slippin away. frum that class i furst had in 1980 thay wuznt but a handfull left in town n i dint even notiss when most of em slipped away.

but everbidy notissd whenever johnny mayhew tuck it into his hed to move on up to new york city, witch we all kindly wonted to do sumthin lack that, lease me n bud rankin talked a lot bout a'doin it. problem fer me wuz how emily wuz still in the early phases of her docterutt n she wudnt about to transfer to no other skool, even ifn bof her majer perfessers sed she orta not git all three of her deegrees frum ut. we had us a lil party fer johnny whenever he lef n martha townsend give im a big sendoff that almost made im wonta stay when she spent the nite with im fer the furst time in munths.

i hated to see johnny go on a counta he wuz gittin to be my bes friend. he wuz verr good fer me on a counta how he lacked to wurk out n woodnt let me skip nun. after he wuz gone i wurked out with bud rankin ceptn bud wuz jes as lackly to wonta burn a number as lift weights.

n speakin of bud rankin, twuz along in this time that the two of us gut closer on a counta how he wuz brakin up with his wife. i wuz thonly person he knew that had dun been thru a deevorce, so he wonted me to splain everthang bout em, witch i tole im as far as i could tell each one wuz differnt, but we deevoted minny a walk all over the ut campus n downtown knoxvull n the smokey mountains jes goin over all the feelins n plans n cuncerns n fears he had. i tole im i wuz no eggspurt, but he wudnt lookin to hear whut i had to say as much as to have sumbidy to tell his world of woes to, witch that wuz fine by me.

in sum ways it seemd to me that bud wuznt bein fair with ginny on a counta he dint give her much attenchun n dint seem to preciate the fack that she wuz the one puttin im thru skool. corse, thays at lease two sides to ever story n thay wuz one thang i never tole im, witch twuz how randy fox had been seein ginny on the sly fer a while. he claimd she wuz verr hot n verr frustrated. twuz odd knowin how this whenever we wood have a group meetin the two of them wood step outside sos they could smoke, witch nobidy dint thank nuthin of it since dint innybidy else smoke much. but i figgerd whuther he knew it or not, bud had reason to be upset.

but whut made that summer so strange wuz how ever time ye turnt around, thar wuz cassandra worthy. seems lack emily n cassandra had plenty to talk bout, but twernt only that. me n emily lacked to go to flea markets to look fer used books n purty soon twuz normal fer us to have cassandra along with us. cassandra wood find a way to see me or us near everday. she mite call n ast wood i git her a notebook sos she could keep a diary of her own, witch i wood do that fer most inny student, so i dun it fer her n whenever i drove over to kc to drop it off, we wood 'conversate' fer as long as she could stay away frum her job, generly standin out in the hall of the add ministrayshun bildin.

but that wernt all. she wood arrange with emily to git me to take her n sharon worth to the movies. i member how we seen flashdance that summer with cassandra sittin twixt me n sharon. she had a teasin way of grabbin my hand or slappin my thigh n i half to add mitt, twuz as well played a dance of seduckshun as ever i seen or herd tell of.

then whenever cassandras grandma died n her daddy daniel turner gut out fer the funerull of his mama, she ast emily wood we or i be willin to drive her down to atlanta sos she could be thar. emily wuz too busy to go her ownself, but she agreed that i could do the drivin n cassandra made a point of brangin along her roommate milagros.

twuz a verr long hard day with almost nuthin to show fer it. i couldnt figger out whut cassandra wuz trine to pull with me. she dint seem to go a sangle day without findin a way fer us to be in the same place at the same time, but thay wuznt never no time that we wuz alone together ceptn when i had tuck her home a cuple times befor i wuz hardly add mittin i had a crush on er. so twuz hard to figger why she made milagros cum along on this trip, witch i wuz hopin mayhap we wood talk bout thangs durin that trip. but we dint. we jes gut in the car verr early in the mornin, had us a lil fuss n fite bout me not lettin her drive n then a sullen silents fer the hole trip.

once we gut thar, a swarm of her half sisters cum out n tole her she better not let daniel see 'that white man' with her, witch that jes meant me n milagros had to go sum place else to spend the time of the funerull, witch we went to the mall n then to git sum coffee at a mack donalds. then we rode back with a verr angry cassandra, witch turnt out her daddy dint even notiss her or say a wurd to her. meanwhile thay wuz minny a nuther slite give her by other members of the fambly, speshly hanna her stepmamma. it made fer a verr tiresum trip fer bof me n milagros.

twuz strange to git home after bein on the rode n sittin behind the wheel frum 5:30 am till near midnite on a trip that emily setup only to find emily waitin up to let me know she wuz as mad as a wet hen. i wuz too tired to do innythang but let her fuss at me befor i ast her why had she let me go? her anser wuz a nuther bit of a sprize: she had eggspeckted me to say no, to know twernt sumthin i orta do but she shouldnt have to be the one to say 'no' to cassandra. thang wuz, twernt but a few days after this till we wuz over at cassandras fer dinner. agin, twuz sumthin emily set up or mayhap i should say twuz sumthin cassandra ast emily to attend n emily agreed.

that hole summer i never could be shore whar emily stood on the topick of cassandra worthy. as ye mite coulda notissd, emily wuz sweet on martha townsend n had fantasies bout thar bein a threesum with her. twuz a topick of stories i wood whisper into emilys ear whenever we wuz sparkin back in the bedroom. so twuz only natcherull that we wood discuss the topick of cassandra as the third party, witch thay wudnt no way eethur one of us figgerd cassandra would stand such a thang. i member how we wuz discussin this one time out at the alcoa hiway flea market. i looked across the way to see cassandra lookin thru a pile of books n wundern whut twuz about her that attrackted me so much. i couldnt splain it atall since she wudnt the type that had ever attracted me, not even amung black women, witch i had only jes begun to larn how to see em n see how purty they kin be. but emily dint feel no sexual attrackshun to her atall even ifn she did find her a cumpellin personalty.

a nuther odd thang bout all this wuz how emily reackted to the hole thang whenever it cum to sex. one of the issues twixt us regardin sex (besides me wontin more of it than she did) wuz how i wished i could git her to wear sumthin to bed besides her flannel shirt n knee socks n such. why couldnt she git sum stockins? or a sexy nitegown? or even a skirt? but that always led to a fuss n fite that tuck us cumpletely away frum sex, so after a while i quit trine.

so twuz odd how the nex day after i had tuck cassandra n milagros down to atlanta, i cum back frum a wurkout follerd by a number with bud rankin to find her wearin that same see-thru blouse she had wonted to wear to see her grad stoodent countsler carroll brightman ... with no bra ... n a skirt with sum short white socks n a pair of sandals with two inch heels ... n she had a few lengths of rope that she wonted me to use. twuz one of them afternoons that ye dont never fergit, that wood turn frum memry into fantasy as it grew older n gut shined up by my maginayshun.

i member how the next day i gut a call frum cassandra astin wood i brang her a book of poetry by sylvia plath, witch that wuz emilys favert n cassandra knew it. i wonted to tell her i wuz busy n even gut started whenever i seen emily lookin thru the books n befor i could say much of nuthin, she had found an exter copy of ariel, witch she tole me i could give it to cassandra to keep.

n that rite thar wuz whut wuz so strange bout that summer: i couldnt never figger out whuther emily hated cassandra or me or neethur or jes whut she felt, witch not knowin eggzackly whut yer wife is thankin aint all that strange. knowin shes thankin so minny cunflickin thangs, speshly bout a nuther woman that she knows her husbin has a crush on, thats whut wuz so strange.

life of buddy don, chapter 145: puzzles of the hart

in july of 1983 me n brew n his bes frien oscar clowder n daddy n roenas husbin jim coates tuck us a lil trip up to obed. everbidy brung em fishin poles but me. i brung me my diary, witch i hadnt writ nary a wurd in it fer munths. thay wuz a reason fer that.

durin the sprang quarter it had becum purty obveeus to me that cassandra had a crush on me. twernt the furst time a stoodent had dun that but thay wuz a lil more toot this time, tho i wudnt willin to add mitt it fer munths n munths, witch that wuz how i had a crush rite back on her. twuz a natchrul deevelopment on a counta how at all them reehearsals n other meetins of the drama club she wuz thonly stoodent i knew verr well, makin it easy fer the two of us to sit n talk while we wuz waitin fer the next time we wood be needed, witch fer them furst two plays i wudnt nuthin but the chaperone.

thang is, i knew fer a fack she had a crush on me fer minny a munth befor i could add mitt i had inny feelins fer her othern pity or cuncern fer a verr brite n talented stoodent who had survived a livin hell befor gittin to kc. as i gut to know her better, i larnt bout lil facks n lil facks till i knew a bit about her life histry.

she wuz born in atlanta to a woman name of joanna that left her in the hospitull the instunt she wuz born, witch her grandma cum to git her n take keer of her n she ended up a'callin her grandma 'mama' fer the res of her life even if her ackshul muther, witch cassandra dint never call her nuthin else but joanna, dint hardly wonta add mitt she wuz her muther even ifn she did go on to bear 10 children. a cuple munths after she wuz born, cassandra wuz tuck frum her grandma to live with joanna. lucky fer cassandra, she had a full older sister name of faith that lived thar too.

twernt long after gittin her kids back till joanna set that house on fire n left them two yunguns in it, witch faith happend to be eight whenever cassandra wuz born n she gut her lil sister n dragged her out into the street while that house burnt to the ground. after that, faith n cassandra lived with thar grandmama that they calld 'mama' n thar ackshul muther joanne dint try to git em agin. they even tuck the name of 'worthy' fer thar last names, witch twuz thar grandmamas last name.

the bigger influents on her life wuz her daddy, a feller that wuz in prison servin the thurd year of a 20-year sentents whenever i met cassandra. his name wuz daniel turner n cordin to her stories wuz a coke dealer n a pimp n mayhap a murder fer hire servus n a car dealer n had im nigh onto thirty children by eight or nine differnt women. all them kids wuz her half bruthers n sisters. she wuz his 19th child n whutever bad she had to say bout im, he kep a huge house n ever one of his kids wuz welcum to cum live thar, witch cassandra dun that a few times in her life whenever she couldnt git along with 'mama.' he finely up n marrd one of the women he had children by, a woman name of hanna, witch hanna insisted cassandra live with em till she larnt that she n cassandra hated each other.

i member thankin how hard tiz to figger folks out. i herd cassandra tell me a thousand tales of how awful her daddy wuz, how he wuznt never thar when she really needed im, how he dint keer much fer her ceptn fer bein proud she had been picked fer a local tv show whar she wuz the lead acter fer a speshul local ackcess program that wuz a kids vershun of the news. twuz hard to bleeve she had ever been so willin to perform in publick, but that wuz all befor she turnt thirteen, witch she playd a rape victim durin that time n it skeerd her so go thru it n to innervue sum ackshul rape victims to larn her role till she quit that show. but fer a while she wuz famus in a lil part of atlanta n her daddy wuz proud of er fer that.

but that wuz thonly good thang she could thank he had ever dun fer her. whenever it cum to goin to kc, twuz all set up by hanna, witch i sed that seemd lack a kind thang fer her to do but cassandra figgerd she jes wonted to git her outta the house fer good n since she gut a full skolarship n since daniel turner had lots of cash, twernt no skin offn hannas nose to make shore cassandra wuz sent away to collidge. she tole me minny a tale bout how cold her daddy could be, how he wood have folks killt or beat up, how he wuz a truly bad man. she showd me pomes she had writ bout how she had sufferd at his hand n been embarrassd at havin to watch im bein arrested n walked off in shackles n be in endless trials n such.

but then he wuz let outta prison to attend the funeral of one of her bruthers, witch i fergit his name but i do member cassandra splainin how he wuz killt by a rival drug dealer who wuz pertecktin his turf. thang wuz, cassandra couldnt thank of nuthin else but gittin down to atlanta to attend that funeral n see her daddy, witch she went n seen im but he dint have a chants to say a sangle wurd to er. i dint hardly know whut to say whenever she tole me this, witch i could see she wonted to cry but couldnt let herself go thataway. she wuz jes glad she gut to see im, even ifn twuz frum a distunts n even ifn he wuz in shackles n had guards on eethur side of im.

whenever skool ended kc wuz purty good bout givin jobs to them stoodents that dint have no home to go back to, witch twernt minny of em. three of my stoodents did stay, witch sharon n cassandra wuz two of em n tuthern wuz a verr capabull stoodent name of violet johnston. violet had been in the furst comp 102 class i had n she had aced it. sharon tole me i orta have the three of em over fer dinner the evenin cooley high wuz bein shown on tv, so i cooked up a huge pot of spagetti sauce n made sum garlick bread n went to git em. i reckun we woodnt a dun it ifn we had notissd how cooley high dint cum on till 11 pm, but once we had invited em, thay wudnt much we could do but try to stay awake fer the hole thang.

odd thang bout that nite wuz how cassandra wuz in a terrbull mood. she needed a heap of sugar pored into her spagetti sauce, witch that ruint it in my pinion. she couldnt eat no garlick bread but wonted sum cornbread, witch that wuz easy but not whut i wooda served with spagetti. that hole evenin violet wuz flirtin lack nobidys bizness with me n emily wuz havin fun with it her ownself, jokin bout whut a stud i wuz to have four women over at the same time. as the evenin went on, cassandra gut moren more withdrawn. i member how she needed a piller, so i tuck mine offn the bed n she curled up on the couch when that show cum on n dint say a nuther wurd near the entire nite.

once that movie wuz finely over i had to take em home. turnt out bof sharon n violet wuz stayin in a place over in east knoxvull n cassandra long with a stoodent name of milagros wuz a'stayin with a teacher name of susan browne who lived in collidge homes. violet needed to wurk the nex day, so i agreed to take her n sharon home furst n cassandra last.

i wont never fergit that ride. cassandra dint say nuthin the hole way thar n whenever we arrived, i figgerd she wood jes git out, but she dint do nuthin. she jes sat whar she wuz n i figgerd i wood wait her out. twuz one of them moments when i figgerd she wuz a'gone cunfess how she felt n i wuz wundern whut i orta say. but dint nuthin git sed ceptn wood i walk her to the door to make shore she gut in ok, witch she tuck off n i gut out to foller till she gut near the door, spun round n stuck out her hand, sayin, 'thanks for a wonderful evening, mr. duncan.' i shuck her hand but she dint let go. twuz dark near the porch, but i could see the lite frum the streetlamp reflecktin in her eyes, witch we stared at each other fer whut seemed lack a hour but wuz probly no moren ten secunts. then she pulld away n went in.

whenever i gut home n lay down in bed, that piller i had smelt jes lack her, a musky smell that wuz a mix of her perfum n hair treatment n jes her. i wuz dog tired n wonted to sleep, but emily wonted to talk. so i turnt over on my back n ast whut wuz it? she lay thar fer a long while till she sed, 'ye gut a crush on cassandra, dont ye?' i wonted to ast whut could make her thank such a thang on a counta how i hadnt give cassandra inny attenchun to speak of all nite, but i knew she knew, so i tuck a deep breath n sed i hadnt real eyesed it befor that, but i probly wuz purty sweet on her. she sed she thought so n thanked me fer add mittin as much.

we talked until near morning, when cassandra calld n wonted to speak with emily. during that talk, that bed wuz as uncumfterbull as ifn twuz made of nails. emily sed she had ast cassandra to call her back in the evenin when she could talk longer. then she turnt over n wuz asleep within three breaths. but i wuz awake fer a long time after that, my thoughts n feelins bathed in the smell of that pillar, the memry of her hand in mine, the lite in her eyes, the way i jes knew she wonted to say sumthin but couldnt brang herself to doot. i knew i had dodged a bullet when emily ast me whuther i had a crush on cassandra, witch that aint nuthin fer a teacher, but ifn she had ast me wuz i in luv with cassandra, i dont know whut i wooda sed.

so whenever we went up on obed that saturdy in july, i splained to daddy how i dint wonta fish but wonted to rite bout the mountins n all fer a novel i had been a'wurkin on fer a cuple years. he knew that novel wuz bout a father n his son, so he sed he understood, witch he dint but it give im a way of takin it. corse, makin notes fer that novel wudnt whut i needed to do. i needed to figger out whut i really wuz a'feelin, witch fer me i larn by trine to rite down whut i dont even know yet.

i caint say it no better now than i dun then, so heres whut i writ:

'When I began working at KC, I didn't know very much at all about Black people. In fact, it seems to me now that black people in general are almost invisible to white people (in this country anyway). White people certainly never see Blacks (or only rarely) when white people aren't a conspicuous majority, and Blacks are different when very few Whites are present.

'I thought I knew a lot about Blacks, certainly more than most white people I knew. I concentrated on helping black students in writing lab, tutored at the Black Cultural Center, and even did a little "business" in Gamble Valley. Thus I knew several black individuals pretty well. I worked for Ralph at Carbide, also, which let me have good knowledge of one individual. In groups, however, Blacks are different, and I really began to learn that at KC.

'One of the problems for white people in seeing black people (in contrast to Blacks being invisible) is that for many white people, myself included, for most of my life, is that blackness becomes a uniform to a white eye. The eye sees the uniform, as in seeing a policeman or fireman or guard, and makes the only recognition it needs: a negro. Few whites around here know enough Blacks personally to have any reason to identify any individual Black. Thus, once a White sees it is a Black, he can stop looking. (The well-known low visibility of Blacks in the media also contributes to this problem). And in this way, the old saying is true: all Blacks look alike to many Whites.

'So it was for me when I began teaching at KC. One of the scariest moments I had was the first day of drills in Elementary Comp I (Fundamentals of Grammar). I called on students randomly and had to learn all of their names quickly. I did, but it was the first time I had to look closely at any group of Blacks as individuals. The longer I've been looking at Blacks this way, the better I've gotten at doing it.

'At first, I also didn't find black women very attractive. I had the usual complaints: hair too kinky, lips too large, nose too flat, or just plain blackness. I remember quite well when Kamal 'Too Short' Trotter pointed to Shantell Brown and licked his lips. I smiled and nodded, but I didn't find her very attractive (though I know now just how incredibly sexy she is). I enjoyed teaching (and still do) because the students were so eager to learn (and they still are – most of them). I became close to many students and one of those was Cassandra Worthy.

'I "met" her at drama club winter quarter. I'd had her in class for 1.5 quarters in elementary composition but I knew her only as a very bright student with a lot of problems, leading to her finishing the first quarter in one-on-one sessions due to her having left class following a very traumatic experience. When I began going to drama club, I was the only white person there and because of the different atmosphere, I felt nervous and uneasy. I recognize Cassandra and we gravitated to one another so we wouldn't feel so ill at ease. And we found we could talk quite easily.

'Some months later I realized she had a crush on me. And I also realized I'd "had a crush" on her for a long time. I don't know how long, but I did feel very happy about getting to know her the very afternoon following drama club (the oddity about that being that I didn't feel I got to know her very well when I was giving her one-on-one instruction in grammar). It took me several months before I could see how beautiful she is, and I only admitted to myself that I had a crush on her when Emily pointed it out to me.

'Of course, this brief note doesn't give you any idea of the many hours I've spent in Cassandra's presence. I haven't touched her at all, but the tension between us is great enough that Emily noticed it when Sharon Worth, Violet Johnston and Cassandra came over for dinner. She asked, after I'd taken the girls home, if I had a crush on Cassandra and I admitted I did. This caused us to talk at great length until morning. That evening, Cassandra called to talk with Emily. The two of them talked at length about a problem – Cassandra was raped by four men (or so she says – for some reason, I have growing doubts about the story). Emily and Cassandra had dinner together to discuss the matter and became friends (or so Emily says). Cassandra could be visiting Emily right now for all I know.

'I hate to write about or discuss feelings because I always feel foolish. But I need to talk about feelings, foolish as they be. I don't understand that heart at all. I "fell in love" with Darlene and against all reason, I had to have her, to marry her. I still love her. But I also love Susannah (or so I think). I hate feelings! But I do love Susannah. And I love Emily. And now I wonder if I love Cassandra. I certainly am attracted. Because of the many barriers between us, my feelings seem passionate, very demanding, urgent. I think about her very often, almost always. I can't remember feeling this carried away (which tells me the whole thing is ridiculous – it can't be the same) with anyone. I feel my love for Emily is sensible and sane and whole. I do not love her less due to whatever I feel for Cassandra, more if anything.

'But why must I feel this way? And my feelings are for a woman who would be trouble in every sense of the word. My family wouldn't soon (ever) accept Cassandra. Looseburg would kill me. It would probably ruin both Cassandra's and Emily's life. I probably wouldn't be as happy. My children with Cassandra would be black. Society would object. I am teacher, she student, so I'd lose my job. ETC!! And still, I am so strongly moved by her that I can't bring myself to write in my diary for fear of saying anything about it. How can my heart be so crazy? I have the perfect woman and I know it. Any such feelings of mine towards Cassandra serve no purpose, but I can't say I don't feel them or that I don't want to feel them ... even though I know of no sane way my feelings could be satisfied because I can't live two (four? counting Darlene and Susannah?) lives. I am especially happy now, so why such feelings? They only cause problems.

'But I do have such feelings and they're amazing to me – they excite me so, especially since they came upon me so unexpectedly. I had no idea such a thing could happen. I didn't realize a black woman could even be attractive to me, but one can and – damn it! – is. Now I find myself more attracted to black women than to white! That is, I will look at a black woman on the street before I will a white. Both are eye-catching, but the black gets me first, probably because I know where Emily is at any given time, but any black girl could be Cassandra, whose whereabouts I rarely know. So I check. Whites need no checking, I guess.

'Any "fulfillment" of my feelings – an affair, one night stand, marriage, etc. – is bad in more ways than I care to count. I want to be responsible, but I fear I lack the strength or the will.

'I pray this will pass. I look forward to the year in Germany when Emily has to go for her DAAD since I'll be away from all temptation, from Cassandra. But I dread it, too, and fear Cassandra will get over me before I get over her. What am I saying? Things are not so bad. I just wish I could lead two lives.

'But I need to say I love Cassandra.

'Are our bodies, our psyches, our souls – are they evil? Why do things like this happen? I do not choose to be evil. I do not choose to love two women at once. How can I? But I do, and I see each very often and I love each. I love Emily. I love Cassandra. I love so many people and I can't understand why it should be wrong. Of course, I know it is and I pray for strength to do right. Be a model for Cassandra as a writer, be her guide as a teacher; be a husband – a loving husband – to Emily. Accept it that I will love more people than I can marry and give my life to ... but it still hurts and I think and think and think. Surely this will pass! Surely this is like crushes I've had and forgotten, not like Darlene or Susannah or Emily. Surely.'

i member feelin as ifn i had let go of a lode of wurry n woe whenever i finishd ritin that entry in my diary. twuz a fine day in a beeyootifull place, so i lit a number n jes enjoyd bein hi in such tranquilty till tutherns cum back frum fishin.

they couldnt bleeve i had dun had me a good time. we cooked up a mess of them fish n baked sum taters in the fire n et us a real feast. as we wuz eatin, daddy ast me had i made inny progress on my novel. i tole im i had dun moren i had figgerd i could git dun. he sed twuz no sprize to hear me say that on a counta he always felt lack he could thank a lot strater whenever he gut away from 'the worl'. i had to agree.

but whenever i gut home, i found emily sittin in her chair n cassandra sittin in mine. emily had spent the day gradin papers fer a summer class she wuz teachin. cassandra had spent the day readin, furst the hobbit n then the catcher in the rye. emily had even give her the furst seckshun of crap notes. whenever i cum in, emily jumped up n give me a big hug n tole me she luved me. i sed the same back at her, but over her sholder i wuz a'lookin cassandra rite in the eye whenever i sed it.

life of buddy don, chapter 144: a hauntin questchun

durin the sprang quarter of 1983 bof me n emily wuz busiern we had ever memberd bein. to this day the hole thang is a big blur with a few hi points that i wont never fergit.

the sprang weather with its warmin temperchurs n cool breezes n trees a'buddin n flowers a'bloomin seemed to stoke up her restless deesire fer sum kinda add ventchur. thang wuz, as far as i could tell, she wuz wontin the kinda add ventchur marrd women dont generly git to have. ifn i hadnt known no better, i mite coulda thought she wuz havin her midlife crisis. or mayhap twuz only a case of sprang fever.

corse, a lotta that had to do with her grad student countsler, a feller name of carroll brightman. taint fair, but i never warmed up to mr brightman much. i had bad memries of whut had happend whenever i cried at wurk n gut locked up in the oak ridge mentull hospitull n wurser memries of whut i had dun seen eli go thru with his illness. twernt atall fair, but i jes dint bleeve in talk therpy.

corse it coulda jes been plane jealousy on my part on a counta it dint take long ere emily had her a crush on carroll brightman, not to whar she wonted to sleep with im or nuthin, but to whar she wonted to tease im n see ifn she could git im to brake his perfesshunull manner. i knew thangs wuz a'gittin outta hand whenever she ast me did i thank she wuz dressd ok fer her countslin sesshun, witch she wuz a'wearin blue jeans n earth shoes lack she always dun but she had a verr thin n sprizingly sexy blouse on top ... with no bra on! now when ye see a woman that wears her underwired bra to bed mos nites, ye know sumthin is up ifn she wonts to go sumwhar with no bra on. did she wont me to reack? to show i wuz jealous? i caint tell, but she wuz laffin whenever she seen me turn a lil red in the face on a counta how i could see clear thru her blouse. i sed she wuz a grown woman n could deecide her ownself how to dress but that it hurt to see her a'wearin sumthin sexy fer a feller she wudnt marrd to when she made such a big point of not wearin sumthin sexy fer the feller she wuz.

'ye thank i should change?' she ast me n i tole her i figgerd she should save the blouse fer next time we wuz sparkin. 'twood be nice with a lil skirt n mayhap sum stockins n such,' i sed but she jes tole me to dream on, that she wudnt no doll fer me to dress up,. i wonted to ast why wudnt she? why couldnt she dress up jes fer me thataway, but i let it go n tole her i wood not be atall happy ifn she left the apartment dressed in such skimpy cloze. that made her happy sum kinda way so she tuck off the shirt n putt on her underwire bra n flannel uniform.

thang is, whutever wuz a'gone on with her wontin to tease that feller, thar weekly sesshuns wuz a'causin her to thank that she wudnt the kinda person she truly wonted to be. she wonted to be strong but felt lack a pushover. she tole me she wuz feelin morn she could feel, that sumtimes she felt lack a presshur cooker a'boilin with rage that she couldnt let out, that she feard she jes mite eggsplode n deestroy everthang she had wurked so hard to achieve, in short, that she jes dint know how to eggspress her anger.

ye mite could be thankin she wuz mad at me n i give her plenty of reason lack inny man wood, but whut wuz bothern her more wuz how she felt lack a pushover, that she couldnt say whut she really wonted to say, couldnt stop frum bein pushed around. i knew lots of that had to be a refleckshun of how she dint lack to go out to the farm but went innyway, dint lack a lotta thangs we had to do but she dun em deespite wontin to stay home n read.

but she finely pegged her frustrayshuns to never havin had her opportunty to greeve rite fer whut had happend the year she left home. twuz the kinda thang i had herd her rattle off a minny a time: thar had been a fire in thar home that deestroyed near everthang her fambly had. thar had been her boyfriend duke, witch they wuz thick as thieves fer the last cuple years befor she went away to collidge n he had im a mental brakedown jes befor she left, witch fer sum reason she felt guilty fer leavin even ifn duke dint never git outta that hospitull on a counta how severe his trubles wuz n turnt out he had been badly abused by his daddy whenever he wuz a lil boy. corse thay wuz her partns deevorce on top of everythang else.

but she hadnt never dealt with it, she sed, n twuz lack a world of hurtin that had to git felt n it made her mad to have to go thru all that. she bleeved that ifn sumhow she could deal with the pane of that one year, she wood be a freer n happier person.

i hate to add mitt it but i dint have no faith in all that. i figgerd she had dun gut thru that hard year n dun it by applyin herself to her wurk n skoolin. she had dun gut near strate a's as a undergraduwait n wuz a'doon purty much the same thang as a grad stoodent. tords the end of the quarter she won a Hilton E. Smith skolarship, witch that meant she wuz one of the best grad stoodents at the universty. the award cum with $500 cash dollars n she had dun made a plan fer it, witch she wonted to go to san francisco cum december sos she could attend the amurkin histry associayshun meetin, witch milly had dun cummited to goin with her. i figgerd she orta be happy bout how she wuz a'doon but she couldnt be happy while thay wuz sum mizry to be teased outta hard times she had dun made it thru.

on tuther hand i bleeve in faith n ifn emily had true faith in the graduwait stoodent name of carroll brightman then chantses wuz good she wood make progress on her trubles. but i couldnt quite keep my pinions bout talk therpy to myself n that led to a few fuss n fites. odd thang wuz how she insisted i be honest with her but it made her mad ifn i stated pinions she dint lack. but i tole her this other truth, that i luved her n that i figgerd we wood cum thru the hole thang together.

i wunder to this verr day ifn i wuz trine to cunvints her or cunvints my ownself. but i will git into that a lil later.

as fer me, i had a grate quarter. i had dun picked out the best stoodents frum my grammar classes to make a super comp 101 class. twuz one of the best i ever had n i knew them stoodents wuz larnin. thay wuz also them furst two perduckshuns of the skool of hard knox theatricull players. i had writ a lil play at the reequest of miz stokes, witch she wonted a lil transishun bit to take her stoodents from one opry aria to a nuthern. then once i had it dun i cunvintsed em twudnt wurth doin. i gut involved in the faculty meetins n gut to be a reglar part of kc. fack is, it lef to my gittin the gratest honor of my life up till then. heres whut happend.

i dun splaind how once ever week the collidge had em a meetin name of cuntemporairy issues, witch everbidy calld it cuntemp. twood happen ever thursdy in the auditorium of the colston center, a grate theeater space with seatin fer 1,100, moren a nuff fer ever stoodent n teacher n add ministrayter n innybidy else on that campus. they wood have em speakers n frum that i gut to meet lots of famus folks such as nikki giovanni n jesse jackson n vernon jordan n a minny a nuthern. twuz at a cuntemp whar we dun our perduckshun of Profile in Black America, as we cum to call it. the skool presdint wood speak now n agin. they mite show films of how thangs wuz in south africa or have madrigull sangers in or who knows whut. i dint attend everone of em, but i wood go as often as not, witch thay wuz a passel of perfessers n add ministrayters that dint never attend.

innywho, thay cum a windsdy mornin in that comp 101 class i tole ye bout bein so good when janine tooks calld me over to her desk n sed she had sumthin she had to say to me. i tole her i wuz a'lisnin, witch she sed she couldnt say it thar. so i ast her whut should we do? she tole me to read whut she had jes writ: 'It is imperative that you attend Contemporary Issues tomorrow.' then she ast me did i understand. i tole her i could read. then she pointed to the wurd 'imperative,' witch twuz one we had larnt her furst quarter. i deefined it to proov i knew whut it meant n she sed that wuz whut she had hoped it meant.

that nex day my offus wuz full of stoodents, witch thats how thangs generly wuz. cassandra wuz on her throne n holdin court, jokin with me by sayin i deeserved everthang i wuz a'gone git. twuz a grate joy to me how my stoodents lacked to use wurds we had larnt in grammar class n nobidy lacked to play it moren cassandra. she sed i wuz a'gone git a 'commendation' that i had earned by my 'exemplary' pedagogy. 'pedagogy?' i ast on a counta that wudnt one of the wurds we had larnt. she laffed n sed she could larn vocabulary on her own, witch that made me feel grate.

finely twuz time to go. cassandra n sharon n janine n a reglar posse of otherns insisted i sit with em rite down frunt. so i dun it n the program cummenced.

thangs gut off to a whizbang start with a cuple seniors i dint hardly know gittin up to attack the add ministrayshun. twernt lack the add ministrayshun couldnt use sum strate talk. the presdint, a preacher name of revernd forrest, had a bad habit of astin the stoodents to do thangs they woodnt never do, lack to save water he eggsplained how he wonted em to take thar showers: (1) git wet, (2) turn off the water n soap up n wash cumpletely and then (3) turn the water back on n rinse off. but the speakers dint make no points lack that. they jes called the add ministrayshun silly without givin a sangle eggzample n fack is, it turnt into a name-callin sesshun.

taint lack it wuz a'fallin on deaf ears. thar wurds wuz rangin thru the audients, witch they wuz a'talkin back by sayin thangs lack 'i know that's right' or 'well!' or "unh huh!' thay wuz the tipicull hoots n hollers n scatterd applause. they wuz catcalls n outrite screamin bout the visitayshun pallsies at Beveridge, witch that wuz thonly all womens dorm or even thonly dorm with inny women in it, period. then they cumplaind bout the food n bout havin a new dean of stoodents ever year n the deterioratin infrustruckshur n more thangs that idont member now.

them stoodents wuz mad n they wuz lettin it out, mayhap the way emily wished she could do. twuz a lil amazin to me. i half to add mitt i wudnt too impressd by whut the stoodents wuz sayin on a counta i figgerd they wuz pintin out the rite thangs but they dint have no argument to make bout it beyond saying thangs lack 'the dorm visitation policy at Beveridge is just silly' or 'four deans in four years is just silly.' silly wuz a big wurd that year, witch twernt one we had ever cuverd in inny vocabulary lesson n i wuz thankin how i hoped my stoodents woodnt git up n make charges without specifick eggzamples. but i figgerd the reason them stoodents wonted to make shore i wood attend cuntemp that day wuz to hear them stoodents standin up fer tharself even ifn i dint thank much of how they wuz a'doon it. but that wernt why they wonted me thar, as i wuz bout to find out.

finely william wilson gut up to a chorus of will-ee, will-ee. but they shut rite up whenever he eggspressed his disappointment in whut he had herd that day. that led to boos n laffter n such but he stuck it out n sed he understood the frustrayshun n he felt it his ownself. but he dint thank callin names dun innythang positive. he pointed out that sayin sumthin is silly dont proov tiz n ifn thay is a reason fer sayin it, then the reason should be stated.

then he sed that the best way to make thangs better is not to tear down whut ye dont agree with but to reeward whut they figgerd wuz good, witch that led to a everbidy a'talkin at once n it got verr loud till willy will sed he wonted to announc the stoodents awards to teachers that wuz best in thar respective subjecks, at lease accordin to the stoodents. sumbidy hollerd out, 'who else matters?' n willy sed he knew that wuz rite.

then he announced each subjeck n who had won. evertime he announced a nuther award the perfesser wood cum up on the stage to po-lite applause. i gut to thankin i wuz lackly to win fer english on a counta thay wudnt but two or three of us, accordin to how ye cut it (wuz them speshul ed folks that cum thar to teach stoodents how to read english teachers?).

innywho, i figgerd i wood win n finely they called english. lack i sed i figgerd i mite win but i hadnt eggzpeckted how them students wood respond. the instunt my name wuz announced they jumped to thar feet n started chantin 'dun-can, dun-can, dun-can.' i could feel myself blushin lack nobidys bizness as i stood feelin very nervous with my colleegs. i could barly bleeve whut wuz a'happenin n even felt lack i mite faint. but the applause n chants jes kep on till finely willy will ast fer em to sit down n be quite. it tuck em by sprize n they all gut quite long a nuff fer rufus boudreaus voice to be herd sayin, 'well!' everbidy laffed n sat down. willy started talkin fer a bit n then sed he wuz a'gone give the award fer most outstandin teacher at kc. the audients went wild fer a bit n whenever he calmed em back down n menchuned the skool of hard knox theatricull players n then the choir gittin a scrip, i knew twuz a'gone be me that won. shore a nuff i did.

them stoodents wuz on thar feet n clappin n screamin n chantin thar 'dun-cans' till i dint hardly know whut to do, but willy cum n tuck my elbow n led me to the podium. he give me a plaque n shuck my hand n sed i had deeserved it. i felt sumthin ticklin my face n real eyesed i wuz crine. then i herd the stoodents a'callin fer a speech. i stood thar smilin lack a moron n blushin lack a virgin in a horehouse n dint have even a wurd i knew to say, just gigantick feelins that i hardly knew how to hold inside, as ifn i had the same problem emily had cumplaint of, feelin moren i could feel.

sum wood later say i wuz milkin the applause fer all twuz wurth, witch i caint say i wudnt, jes that i dint have no idee whut to say. but i knew i had to say sumthin, so i leant ford n wuz as sprized as innybidy to hear whut i sed, startin with a joke. i hadnt perpared nuthin to say, but once them wurds started cummin, they woodnt quit till i wuz dun. i cum home afterds n writ down as best i could member it how it had gone:

'One of the difficult things about being white (laughter) is that when you're embarrassed or touched, everybody knows it because you turn red.

'When I was told by several of my students that I should attend this day's contemporary issues, and when I heard the early speakers 'dogging out' the administration (more laughter, more applause), I assumed my presence was desired so that I could hear the students standing up for themselves and taking a real and active interest in their college. And I am very excited by what I heard today. I am pleased and proud of the students for becoming active and vocal. But I must admit I would have hoped the activism could have been a little more productive and effective than name-calling.

'I can certainly undersand the impulse, even the need, to criticize those whose performance we find lacking. I am reminded very much of myself when I was younger. I, too, found much wrong with this world, my parents, this country, and my place in it. I, too, criticized and protested in my own feeble way. I fought hard, too. I dropped out of high school – it was 'silly.' And I ran away from my 'silly' parents. And I ignored everyone's 'silly' advice and got married at the age of eighteen.

'Before you know it, I was a raging, angry, ineffective young nobody, flipping burgers for a living and getting nowhere. All my protest and anger did nothing but make my situation worse than it had been.

'After years of spinning my wheels in such fruitless activitiy and rage and after I'd suffered enormously, I had an accident, an automobile accident that could easily have killed me.

'When I crawled out of that wreck, I realized for the first time that, try as I may, I could only be sure of changing one person: myself. And when I began working on that person, the world began to get a little better.

'Much is still wrong with it, as we all know only too well, but we can't cause it to change by calling it 'silly.' We all have logs in our eyes. We all fall short of perfection.

'Let us begin by changing ourselves, each of us. And if we do, KC will become an even more wonderful place than it already is.'

i held up that plaque n waved it round to the crowd n let em cheer fer a spell.

'It is already one of the world's most wonderful places to me. This is the most outstanding moment of my life, and I am very grateful to you all. Thank you.'

as i dun writ, my lil speech wuz tuck purty well by them stoodents. i dont know whar it cum frum, eggzackly, but it dint seem to anger the stoodents nor the administrayshun. corse, me bein a white teacher n gittin that award did cause a lotta antagonism fer me amung the faculty on a counta thay wuz a good number that dint know me frum adam till i won that award.

afterds my offus wuz filld with stoodents. lots of talk n lookin at my plaque n such till sharon n cassandra n janine sed they wonted to take me to lunch to celebrate even ifn i ended up drivin n payin fer our feast at mack donalds.

after that i had becum a big player on the kc campus n wuz eggspeckted at sartin places such as ever cuntemp or even on the stage whenever a seeleckshun of faculty n add ministrayshun wuz leadin innythang. i member clearly sangin along with revernd forrest on a song that went 'Reach out and touch somebody's hand, make KC a better place if you can.' i wuz putt on the awards committee fer graduwayshun n invited to hep out with recrootin n such.

fack is, i felt downrite deepressed whenever the quarter wuz over. i wuz verr happy bout how thangs had gone at wurk. even emily wuz happy, speshly since thay woodnt be no more questchun bout whuther i wuz offishully full time. i had dun earnd that much.

but i couldnt feel rite bout thangs, witch mayhap thats jes a human way. but mayhap it has to do with a questchun that wuz a'hauntin me, a questchun a verr purty, verr lite-skinned stoodent name of gale blazemore ast me: 'Mr. D, you said winning that award was the most outstanding moment of your life. What about when you and Mrs. D got married?'

life of buddy don, chapter 143: buyin a car

round the end of winter quarter of 1983 i gut a big paycheck, witch thats the one add vantage to not bein paid everthang yer owed whenever yer furst owed it: ye end up savin up sum money whuther ye mean to or not. turnt out sum of my students dint lack seein me half to walk everwhar n they cunvinced one of em, a feller name of tucker james, that he orta sell his volkswagen beetle to me.

i larnt bout it frum cassandra n sharon, witch i dun splaind how cassandra had tuck up a claim on a stool in my offus n sharon tride to go everwhar cassandra went. i had gut to the point of leavin my offus open with cassandra watchin thangs whenever i wuz in a class, lessn she wuz in the class, witch i wood lock my offus up. so twood be a reglar thang to cum back to my offus n find out folks had left me messages, lack the time i cum back frum a comp 102 class n cassandra tole me tucker james wuz a'gone make me a offer i couldnt refuse.

'sounds ominous,' i tole her, witch twuz one of the wurds we had cuverd in vocabulairy class. she anserd that it could be 'lucrative.' so i ast her wood it have a 'deleterious' effeck on my life? she laffed n sed it should have a 'most propitious' effeck n possibully lead to a more 'commodious' way of livin fer me. so whut wuz i spozed to do? that made her laff. she splaind i wuz to 'rendevous' with tucker in the late evenin, round 'twilight' time. then sharon cum in n ast cassandra had she tole me yet, witch that made cassandra laff n say i wuz a'wurryin that maybe that 'crazy nigger' tucker wuz a'gone kill me. sharon tole me that 'cassie be trippin, mr d. everbidy know tuckers a big pussy cat.'

twuz near the end of the quarter so i had a huge heap of papers to grade on a counta my lettin folks re-rite thar 'f'' papers. in sum cases twuz a waste of my time, but in otherns, lack in the case of rufus coales frum sum island down in south carolina, ye could see im a'larnin frum one 'f' to the nex till finely he could rite a hole essay without two deadly errs in it. so even ifn twuz drudgry to git thru all them papers, thay wuz moments whar ye could see progress n that wuz my mane reason fer teachin. it sartinly werent fer the money!

innywho, i gut started on that pile n purty soon cassandra n sharon left. i dint generly have inny reason to be in my offus twixt the hours of 4 n 7 pm, so twuz a sprize to hear how quite everthang gut round dinner time. twuz almost as quite as twuz my furst day a'wurkin thar. i wuz headin fer the home stretch on them papers whenever i herd the cracked door to colston slam, witch the reason why twuz cracked wuz how dint seem lack they could ever git it tricked up sos it woodnt slam.

but slam it did that time n two secunts later, thar wuz tucker at my door. he wuz whut they call blue black n had putt sum kinda coconut oil in his hair to make it hang down long n curly. he had been in my comp 102 class n dun ok, witch he wuz a lot older than most of my stoodents n dint never say nuthin, jes writ n re-writ his papers till he gut out with a 'c' fer the corse. i had writ him notes bout how ifn he wonted a lil hep i wood give it to im n mayhap he could git a better grade, but he writ me back bout how he had im a job wurkin as bartender in a jook joint in east knoxvull n he dint have hardly no exter time.

he cum in n shuck my hand n looked me rite in the eye, witch i lacked that but wuz sprized at how few of my stoodents wood look me in the eye. i ast im whut i could do fer im n he tole me rumor had it i dint have no wheels. i sed twuz true. i made the joke bout usin my fiat n pointin at my shoes. he laffed n sed he had im a volkswagen beetle to sell me fer $1,000 ifn i wuz innerested. i ast im did it wurk n all, so he tuck me out on a drive. twuz as white as a car kin git n banged up here n thar, but it run lack a top. the radio had trubles, but the heater wurked bout as well as beetle heaters ever wurk. he wuz a meckanick his ownself n tole me ifn it wuz to quit wurkin durin the furst year, he wood hep me fix it at a fair rate, bettern i wood git at inny servus stayshun.

as we pulld into a parkin space near colston center, tucker ast me did we have a deal. i hadnt sed nuthin to emily yet n figgerd twood be best to check with her furst, witch tucker sed ifn i wood shake his hand then, i could drive it home. i tole im i dint have no insurants, witch he sed i wood half to drive it with no insurants a time or two till i could git me sum no matter whut. i sed i should probly talk it over with my wife, witch he sed he had dun had im a wife n wishd he had talked thangs over with her befor he had made sum big deecishuns that run im into trubles, but ...

but? but ifn i wonted that car, i wood half to take the deal he wuz offern rite then. he had dun gut a buyer fer more money ceptn he lacked how i wuz teachin at kc n figgerd i needed it more. i ast im how much wuz he losin on the deal n he sed he wuznt losin nuthin. twuz wurth the differnts to sell it to me. but he wonted to finish the deal rite then.

twuz one of them moments whenever ye know yer buyin whut could be a worl of woe, but i looked tucker in the eye n in my gut, i jes knew i could trust im. so i putt out my hand n he shuck it n he sed twuz a nuff fer him but could i drop im off at five points? i dint know whar that wuz at the time so he tole me how to go till i gut to a place whar five differnt rodes cum together. i hadnt never been thar before that (lease not that i could member) but twuz a mane spot in east knoxvull, witch mos everbidy a'livin thar wuz black folks.

then i drove with the gratest of keer till i gut home n found me a parkin spot on the street on a counta not havin no parkin sticker fer the parkin spot that cum with our laurel marrd stoodents apartment. then i went up to face the musick with emily.

twuz near 6:30 by time i gut home, witch we used to have dinner rite at 6 pm, so i wuz a lil cuncernd that before i could say nuthin bout the car we wood alreddy be in a fuss n fite bout whar had i been? but she wudnt at home, witch that meant i had a chants to set thangs up a lil better. i had gut pork chops n baked a cuple taters n whipped up sum corn bread on a counta that wuz one of her favert meals. i made sum fresh iced tea, witch i almost never dun that but she always wishd i wood larn how she lacks it, witch i knew how but fer sum reason dint figger i should half to make it on a counta i dint never drunk it my ownself. but i figgerd she wuz a'gone eggsplode whenever she found out i had dun spent $1,000 so i wuz a'pullin out all the stops.

she finely cum in a lil after 8 o'clock n i could see she wuz on the far side of tipsy. i ast her had thar been a change of skedule to whar them histry stoodents wuz drankin thar beer on a differnt nite? she laffd n tole me to guess agin. she cum up close to me n give me a lil kiss, witch i lacked that n frum it i could smell that twuznt beer she had been a'drankin. smelld more lack red wine, so i figgerd she had to be visitin milly. she laffed agin n sed i wuz gittin warmer. she started unbuttonin her flannel shirt n purty soon i wuz follerin along pickin up her cloze as she shagged em – her jacket, her jeans, her shoes – on her way to the bathroom, witch by then she wuz down to her home uniform of a pair of knee socks, a unbuttond flannel shirt, underwired bra n cotton panties. i watched her while she wuz peein n could see she wuz happy as could be bout sumthin, but i couldnt figger whut.

so i tole her i dint know whar she coulda been drankin but i shore lacked havin her home in such a good mood. i menchuned how i had baked taters n pork chops a'warmin in the oven. did she wonta eat? maybe later, she sed after wipin. she tuck my hand n pulled me tords the bed. i dint have no cumplaints bout that, but i did feel a lil cuncernd bout whuther i should menchun the car befor or after takin add vantage of the situwayshun. she tuck off her bra n started undoin my pants, witch that settled thangs. purty soon i pulled off her panties n could hardly bleeve how aroused she wuz, witch she wuz slow to git goin but could keep on fer hours. so fer a cuple hours we dun nuthin but make luv. twuz odd on a counta how much passhun she had n how ruff she wonted it. she had long silky hair n sumtimes she lacked me to grab it n tug her by it, make it sos she couldnt git to my mouth fer a kiss or to force her to do thangs she really wonted to do but dint wonta add mitt she did.

long story short, we wuz occupide till near 10 pm, witch thats way past my bedtime, but by then we wuz bof eggzausted n sweatin. i dint half to wurk the nex day ceptn to grade papers, so we gut up n i resurreckted whut i could of the dinner n we ate. she wuz bout as luvy-duvy as a person gits, hangin on me, grabbin me down thar, sqeezin to the point of pane n then laffin or gittin down on her knees n laffin whenever whut she wuz a'doon got me to fergit whutever i wuz trine to say, witch the mane thang i wonted to know wuz why couldnt we have sex lack that more often, but i dint say nuthin n jes enjoyd whut wuz a'gone on.

but finely she had me rite whar she wonted me, near nekkid n a'sittin in that big wing chair daddy give me with her in my lap a'kissin n squeezin n luvin on me whilst she splaind whar she had been. furst, she went over to find out bout gittin sumbidy fer her to talk to, witch they had em a program whar ye could git ye a graduwait stoodent fer talk therpy n she gut her one. i ast wuz they drankin wine thar, witch she splaind she woodnt git to meet her countsler till nex week. but she did tell me she had run into a ole friend.

i couldnt figger who to guess n she could see the fun had dun run out fer me so she sed twuz sumbidy a'livin rite in our buildin. that give it away, of corse. twuz martha. they had run into each other as emily wuz leavin mcclung tower after visitin with dr morgan. turnt out martha wuz leavin at the same time n they gut to talkin n then deecided to go down to that italian place that on cumberland, witch i never knew witchn she meant. they had em sum appetizers n putt away a bottle of chianti n talked n talked. bout whut? sex mostly. emily sed martha had always wunderd bout how emily felt bout her n emily had dun had jes a nuff wine to tell the truth, that she wished martha wuz innerested in women.

durin all this time, she wuz a'keepin me innerested by grabbin me down thar n squeezin n even droppin to the floor to give me a lil lick or two, so i caint say i wuz cumplainin bout whut i wuz a'hearin, witch i finely gut out the questchun i wonted to ast, witch wuz did they do innythang? she laffed agin n sed twuz sumthin fer her to know n fer me to find out. i dint much lack that n sed i figgerd twernt the way marrd folks is spozed to do. she dint git the lease upset n sed she knew i wuz hopin that sumthin had happend. dint i?

i dint have no anser fer that. i wuz glad she had sumbidy else to talk to, meanin the countsler, n i half to add mitt, i couldnt hep but wunder bout whuther she n martha coulda dun sumthin. corse, whut i really wonted to know wuz whuther i wuz a'gone be invited. i hate to add mitt that since twuz lackly part of whut emily wuz a'usin to keep frum thankin her life wuz jes too borin n reglar to be lived, witch that wuz one of her generull cumplaints bout thangs, but i couldnt hep but wunder.

but by then she had deecided we should go back into the bedroom sos i could tell her a lil story bout whut i wuz maginin could have dun alreddy happend twixt her n martha or mayhap witch mite could happen twixt em or, n she paused long a nuff to tell me she lacked her evenin lollipop n show me jes how much before sayin, or whut mite happen ifn we wuz to have her over fer a lil after dinner wine.

i shoulda tuck add vantage of the situwayshun n jes had me sum fun, but insted, i figgerd i could use that moment to splain bout the car. twuz a huge miss take, witch by time the shoutin wuz over, she had cunvintsed martha to let her sleep on the couch down at her place.

twuz a long nite of lil sleep. i wood drift off n have bad dreams n wake up to find the bed empty n that wood make me mad to whar i couldnt sleep n had to read fer a while till i couldnt keep my eyes open. by time twuz over, i wuz wore plum out, but i gut up, fixed my coffee n drove my car to kc. gradin papers tuck my mind offn my other problems fer a few hours. then i seen cassandra a'walkin cross the yard frum the beveridge dorm n i figgerd twuz moren i could handle then. so i gut in my new car n went home. i had dun graded a nuff papers.

emily wuz home when i gut thar, sittin on her chair, wearin her flannel shirt n knee socks n underwear, with iced tea n lit cigarette at her elbow, a book in her lap, n tuggin on her hair. as soon as i cum in, she jumped up n run to greet me, witch that dint happen much. she pall gized bout how she reackted to the car n ast me could i take it back. i sed i had dun give my word n i woodnt go back on it, so the car wuz ours. then i ast did she wonta see it?

thank god fer curiosity. we drove out chapman hiway to the krogers thar n gut a lode of grossries n by time we gut home n she wuz heppin putt away the grossries, witch she wuz glad we had them grossries without havin to have eli over, i could see she wuz dun fitin bout it. i had been trine to cunvints her durin the hole ride, splainin how i woodnt half to walk over to kc in the dark no more n how we woodnt be beggin rides all over the place n how we wood be able to go to the alcoa hiway flea market everday. i could tell she had quit the fite whenever she ast whuther did i thank it could git to looseburg n back. i tole her thay wudnt but one way to find out. did she wonta try durin the sprang brake? i could see she wuz thankin bout it, but she sed she had a lot of thangs she needed to look after n couldnt go jes then.

i wonted to ast did she mean her countsler? or martha? or whut? but i dint say nuthin.

life of buddy don, chapter 142: emilys cumplaint

emily wonted to talk bout how i dint give her a nuff tenchun. i member wundern whut did she wont? whut i could possibly do to pervide it?

taint lack she wuz sittin alone at our apartment with nuthin to do, waitin fer me to cum home. she wuz a'wurkin on her docterutt, witch that meant she had to spend near ever wakin hour readin n takin notes n studyin. she had classes to teach n papers to grade. she wuz takin trips with dr morgan to historcull conferntses n such. she had her friend milly to soak up plenty of her time n a group of histry students that lacked to gather at uncle sams to drank beer till they couldnt hardly walk home. i wood even cum down now n then tho i dint much keer fer drankin beer n dint find them histry students as innerestin drunk as they wuz sober. but whuther or not i joind in the drankin, i wood lease cum down to walk her home after they wuz dun.

but her mane cumplaint wuz how she wuz sartin as kin be i wuz a'gone leave her. she lackd to wurry n fear of me leavin give her plenty to chew on. she sed she couldnt hardly thank of nuthin else, that twuz hard fer her to concentrate on whut she wuz a'readin n studyin.

so i ast her whut wood i be a'doin that wood make her bleeve i wuznt a'gone leave her? i pointed out how i kep showin up ever evenin. cooked ever meal. let her sleep late n woke her with kisses n the mornin paper n coffee. cleaned up after her, witch twuz a big job to do that. so whut wuz it?

yer hart aint with this marrg, she wood claim, but with yer ritin n yer wurk n yer friends. so i wood ast back whuther thangs wood be better ifn i dint rite nor have no wurk nor no friends neethur, witch that jes made her mad on a counta she claimd it showd i dint understand. ok, sed i, then splain it to me.

thats whenever she pulld out my lease favert fuss n fite tacktick, claimin that ifn i dint know, twuznt sumthin she could splain n futhermore, the fack i dint know whut wuz rong wuz even more proof how rong thangs wuz. i sed ifn she couldnt splain it then mayhap twuznt sumthin that obveeus. besides that, since i had dun add mitted i dint know whut twuz, woodnt it be a hep to splain it to me? but she claimd that questchun jes proovd her point moren ever.

thang is, i did luv my wurk. i wish i could say i luvd my ritin too ceptn i wuznt doon near as much of it as i wonted to on a counta havin to wurk so much. as fer my friends, thonly time i seen em ceptn when they cum over to visit the two of us wuz whenever i wuz eether wurkin out with johnny n bud or playin racketball at the ymca with billy stewart. but i never dun nun of that when she wuz home, so i couldnt see the conflick.

corse i had my cumplaints bout her or mayhap jes the one cumplaint, witch i couldnt stand how whenever we wuz bout to have sum sex, she wonted to talk bout this verr topick. makin that cumplaint dint hep me git nun, tho, so i had to keep it to myself.

twuz a sundy whenever we gut into that long discusshun. i member how i wonted to finish sos i could git my papers graded, but i finely give up n let her cry her tears n sit on my lap till my legs fell asleep, witch even that made her mad. i finely got mad my ownself n tole her she wuz rite, i dint have inny idee whut i wuz a'doin rong, whut wuz a'bothern her, but plane fack wuz, i had a job to do, papers to grade. we hadnt et yet, so i gut up n started cookin, witch i reckun i wuz a'huffin n puffin n mayhap them pots made a lil too much noise till she couldnt stand it n run out the door, slammin it hard as she could.

thay aint no good anser fer that so i finishd cookin n et n left hers on the stove with a note splainin how she could heat it up ifn she wonted to. i dint here her cum in but she wuz thar sleepin beside me whenever i woke up. found she hadnt touched her food so i threw it out, made me sum coffee n cummenced to gradin them papers. i gut her up at the usual time in the usual way n not a wurd wuz spoke bout her cumplaint. on tuther hand, not a wurd wuz spoke.

ackshly, havin so lil sex wuznt my mane cumplaint. my mane cumplaint wuz how i had so much good wurk to do n jes wonted to doot. twuz true i wuz so busy to whar i couldnt hardly keep up with nuthin else, but twuz wurthy wurk. mayhap that wuz whut botherd her, that i lacked it so much, that i figgerd twuz wurth doin. that particlar week wuz tipicull fer how busy i always wuz, witch twernt much busier than she wuz! jes to give ye a idee of whut i mean, heres how that one week went.

twuz in february of 1983 whenever all this wuz a'happenin, witch twuz black histry munth. that week wuz lack most of em, a blur. that mundy, i hauled my book bag of graded papers over to kc. dr streeter had give me a offus upstairs with the rest of the staff, witch it seemd lack a honor but twuz manely on a counta his needin my ole offus fer a peeano practiss room. i taught class that day. gut papers frum my grammar class n frum bof my comp classes. spent the afternoon gradin them papers. cum home n fixed dinner, witch we dint hardly talk nun till twuz over. i then went over to kc (twuz dark n i dint have no ride since willy will wood only drive me home). we cast A Day of Absence that evenin.

on tuesdy we had a wurdless brakefuss. after that, i went over to kc whar i graded papers n had conferntses n such. twuz nice to be thar in my offus. kc wuz so small that everbidy knew everbidy n i wuz purty poplar amung them students. sharon n cassandra gut to whar they lacked to spend thar spare time in my offus. cassandra had cum so far in trustin me that she set up a stool in the corner by my desk whar she could sit. tuther students gut to whar they called it her throne. she wood sit n hold cort fer her friends while i wuz gradin papers. sumtimes we wood all talk bout whutever, often as not books cassandra wuz readin till sum of them other kids wood be readin books jes sos they could take part.

so twernt atall odd fer me to go to kc to grade papers even ifn i coulda dun it at home. thang is, emily had a full skedule of her own, but that dint stop her frum resentin me gradin papers at my offus in sted of at home, witch she dint never understand how i hate to wurk at home. fer me the threshold to my house should be whar my private life begins. to this verr day, even tho i kin conneck to my cumpnys network frum home, i still go in ifn ima gone wurk.

johnny mayhew n bud cum by in buds purple gremlin to git me sos we could have our wurkout. i member how i dint notiss how mad i wuz bout emily resentin me wurkin at wurk till i gut on that bench press. tiz a shame to add mitt, but truth wuz, i couldnt bench press my own weight, witch i weighd 130 pounds in them days. fack is, whenever we started in to wurkin out, i couldnt even bench press 50 pounds ten times! twuz a horrbull embarrassment to me. johnny wood yell at me lack i wuznt trine, but twuz all i could do to heft that fifty pounds even once. but on that afternoon, i tole johnny i wonted to try a hunnert pounds fer the furst time. 'dont be a fool, docter! ye jes barely dun 85 pounds on saturdy.' i tole im to putt the weight on n see ifn i couldnt doot. 'all rite, but dont fergit to breathe!' i jes putt all my frustrayshun into pushin up that bar n run rite thru my three sets of ten n ast im wood he putt on a nuther ten pounds, witch he dun it but even mad as i wuz at the situwayshun, i couldnt lift it moren three times. but it felt good.

that evenin after dinner, i chaird a panel discusshun on the topick of W.E.B. DuBois with dr greene n miz morgan fer panelists. thay wuz grate. gut home late n found emily in her usual spot, readin a book n sippin iced tea n a'pullin on her hair. she looked up but dint say nuthin, so i parked my book bag n went to bed. next day i taught my classes. afterds i went over to the undergraduwait liberry at ut n researched ML King, Jr. they had em a afro-amurkin seckshun. we needed a speech fer the feller playin MLK in one of the two shows we wuz a'doin name of In White America: Profiles of Black Leaders. i picked out a cuple speeches, the 'where do we go from here' speech n the last speech he made befor he wuz assassinated. me n emily met n walked down to wendys fer a early dinner of a wendys sangle with no meat (45¢) n fries n dranks, witch twuz one of the few places she could abide us eatin out since twuz so cheap. i dint even go back up to the apartment after but jes walked over to kc while twuz still lite out.

thursdy mornin emily left with dr morgan fer a consorshum on revolushunairy europe in charleston, south carolina. i wont never fergit the fite we had that mornin. i had me two sets of papers to grade n wonted to git goin early, but she figgerd that wuz a purrfeck eggzample of whut wuz rong. shouldnt i wonta stay with her till the last mint before she left? dint that show how i dint really keer bout her? beesides, she needed me to go to the bank to cash a check, witch she couldnt brang herself to git money outta the bank on a counta she hated add mittin that inny money ye putt in is a'gone half to cum out sumtime. so i dun it but i wuznt too happy n by time i left fer kc, twuz a'rainin cats n dogs n she wuz crine n twuz all my fault.

i graded papers all mornin n then bud rankin cum by to give me a ride to wurk out. johnny wuz wurkin n couldnt make it. whenever we wuz dun, bud offerd me a toke, witch i dint take it, n then he offerd me a ride back to kc, witch i tuck it happly. i graded more papers till twuz time to walk over to mcculloch hall fer another panel discusshun. thisn wuz a sorta deebate twixt the idees of W.E.B. DuBois n Booker T. Washington. i had dr greene n miz morgan thar. twuz spozed to end at nine pm, but thangs wuz jes a'boilin good by then, so we kept on till 10:30 when i called a halt by splainin twuz way past my bedtime n that i figgerd the deebate wood keep fer a nuther day, witch taint over yet.

next day, even tho i had been a'gradin papers most ever spare mint, i had a lode to git dun, witch i wurked lack crazy to doot n then taught my classes n finely walked home roun 4 pm. ate a pot pie n waited fer folks to show up fer group, witch twuz at my house. billy stewart brung over a copier n everbidy pitched in to hep copy scrips of A Day of Absence. funny thang wuz how i dint notiss till then how everbidy figgerd twuz sum kinda grate noble sacrifice fer me to be a'wurkin cross the tracks, so to speak, in whut they seemd to thank wuz deepest darkest africka or sumthin. we had a good meetin, manely on a counta everbidy feelin good bout heppin make them 25 scrips.

on saturdy i hauled all them scrips over to kc n we handed em out n had us a read thru. wurked out with bud n johnny that afternoon n then played racketball with billy stewart after that. stayed up till emily gut home round 9 pm, witch seem lack that lil bit of absents had cured a lotta her cumplaint even ifn it dint lead to no sex. but we wuz gittin along good a nuff that we went to the law liberry together the next day n gut a lode of wurk dun. after dinner we wuz bof whipped so much that she went to bed same time i did. we almost had sex till she memberd she wuz mad. she wonted to talk, but i turnt over n tole her she needed to find sumbidy else to talk to since i obveeusly dint git it.

she gut up n slammed the door on her way out. then she cum back in to say she figgerd i dint keer whuther she started seein a therapist. i wonted to ast her whut she wuz plannin to use fer money, but i dint say a wurd. i figgerd mayhap a eggspurt wood understand her cumplaint.

i shore dint n heres why: the more she cumplaind bout bein skeerd i wuz a'gone leave her, the more i wonted to leave her on a counta i wuz sick of the conversayshun bout her bein skeerd of me leavin. n whut makes it even wurser, lookin back now, is how we dint have no idee jes how good we had it then.