status of buddy don: still a'livin

i aint writ a thang in the longest, witch thats whut happens whenever ye git to be a sick as i bin. but i notissed tuther day that the email address fer me on this here blog (at the left) turnt out to be wrong, witch i caint see a thang that wuz ever sent to the one that wuz rong. i jes fixt it sos its rite now. so ifn ye ever writ to it n gut no anser, now ye no why. mayhap ye orta try agin.

splainayshuns of buddy don: how we cum to be in californy

me n miz bds lives tuck a sharp turn last memoryall day, witch heres how it happent:

1. we had gut into a rut what i wood wake up with a hedache n i wood sleep mos of the day n whenever i gut up, generly sumtime round 4 pm, i wood have the best part of the day, witch twernt much.
2. up till that point in our lives, we dint go to the emergentsee room on a counta how once in 2002 we dun that over to a hospitull name of bellview with terrbull reesults. i had bin vomitin fer bout 8 hrs by then, so they give us a bucket n tole us to sit in the corner n wait, witch we dun it long as we could till i figgerd wudnt nobidy a'gone take a vomitin migraneur as a urgent case; so for years after that, we dint go to no hospitals.
3. then cum that awefull memoryall day last year. got up after trine to sleep off the hedache round 7 pm. tride to eat but commenced to vomitin n cudnt stop, no how no way ... all nite long.
4. nex mornin, miz bd wood not take 'no!' fer an answer whenever i tole her i dint wonta go to no hospitull n git a bucket sos i could sit in the corner n wait. i wuz tuckerd near to death by then, tho i dint real eyes it. i cudnt fite back no more.
5. once we gut to the Hoboken University Medical Center, thangs happend faster n faster. turnt out i wuz sickern i knew. i bin tole i couldnt identify whar i wuz (i sed "hoboken," n they ast me whar in hoboken, witch i cudnt thank of the wurd fer hospitull so i sed, 'that place whar they hep folks.' i also cudnt say the presidents name, tho i knew it. n thay wuz a slew of other thangs i cudnt git rite.
6. they give me ever test they had jes about, witch they also had thar chaplain, a real nice woman who i caint member her name, stay with me jes in case she wood be needed.
7. long story short, they cudnt git the vomitin to stop till 2 pm, n i cudnt eat nuthin cept ice fer anuther two daze.
8. but i wuz so confused fer so long that ifn loretta, mz bds daughter, hattent cum to hep me, i cudnt have ansered a boatload of questchuns bout my life. twuz a nice sprize whenever i seen how loretta dun knew all the ansers (witch she gut sum of em by readin shoot the devil, witch ye kin still git ye one by orderin it on this here page).
9. they kep me in that hospitull fer 4 daze in all n tole me at the end, after givin me more tests than i had ever had in such a short time, that i have terrbull migraines. tell me about it!

after that, after they sent me to a few other speshulists, seem lack everbidy agreed thay wudnt much could be dun fer a cronick migraneur lack me, jes to make me as cumfertabull as kin be n teach me to live with it n such. as one "palliative care" speshulist tole me, "The good thing is that pain is self-limiting. It always stops eventually." He sed botox wood wurk fer me, lease fer panefull hedaches, but i tole im twernt my problem to endure pane. tiz the vomitin that i caint abide. so he agreed that botox woodnt do much fer me.

in sted, we discussed movin to a place whar the weather dont hardly change much. we found thays three places in the US that fit the bill best: Honolulu, San Diego n the Coachella Valley, mainly the eastern, shielded part of it.

the only one we could a ford wuz the Coachella Valley (Palm Springs, Cathedral City, Indian Wells, Rancho Mirage, Desert Palms, Coachella, La Quinta, Indio, n Desert Hot Springs).

me n miz bd cum out here in late July when thangs wuz cheap, even in Palm Springs, to look the place over n see sum real estate. we cudnt hardly bleeve the prices. houses with 3 beds, 2 baths, pool, spa, beautiful landscaping, all fer under $150K. corse, i gut sick the secunt day of that visit n spent the hole week vomitin, unable to eat nuthin, gittin to know how good the medical facilities is round here. twuz a ruff week, but we wuz deecided. so we dun it, moved out here.

n has it fixt them migraines? not as much as i had hoped. thangs is better in sum ways: i git more fair daze whar i have migraines that i call "walkin migraines," on a counta i kin still walk the dogs. n i git verr good daze also, but i still git awefull sick n have bin to the emergentsee room 8 times so far (i am nearly a munth past the last visit, which thats purty good).

i am a'hopin that i have woke up frum sum medicayshun i wood lack to discuss ... ifn i kin stay well fer a lil spell ...

rare post of buddy don: how i bin sick n all

fack is, i aint gonna git to the 'n all' part. still too sick, but thays a slew of news items i could tell ye ifn i had the health. but i manely need to let sum folks know the follerin:

i am alive n as well as kin be eggspeckted ("i bin worse"), livin in the low desert out here in californy.

twuz our hope that movin to the desert mite could hep, witch thays bin a few more good daze than we had in hoboken n a daze few thats bin as cruel n panefull n hard as inny we ever seen or herd tell of. suffice to say, the securty gard at the hospitull mergency room dun alreddy knows me. my hartfelt pallgies to ever one of my friens in new york fer not saying nuthin bout leavin, fer not sayin goodbye or so long or whutever. but i wuz sick so much that i never could git nuthin dun, see much of innybidy, n thay wudnt no way i could see all that wuz deservin. tiz my fervent hope to git well a nuff to keep up with life. time will tell.

waka of budo adana: illness

Illness

The whole wide world shrinks
Into a bubble of self
Only life or death
Only a question of when
Never the answer of why

mizry of buddy don: aura at dawn

aura

the aura at dawn
its paisley pixilation
left half of the world
a cruelly kind precursor
low tide before tsunami

cumpny of buddy don: mizry luvs cumpny

Miss Liberty

Vomiting migraine …
Psychotherapy later …
Yet Miss Liberty,
Our kittenish Bombay cat,
Claws my knee, begging to play

mizry of buddy don: the rong wurds cum out ...

i need to say a few wurds bout the author, witch hes bin so sick fer so long that he dont hardly never go near no keybird, witch that keeps me frum gittin a chants to touch it my ownself.

but tuther day he seen sumthin on the tee vee that made him blush frum the shock of reckugnishun.

twuz that story bout the reporter with the migraine on tee vee name of Serene Branson.

the aura she sufferd is one of the wurst mizries a bidy kin have, speshly one that has to talk on tee vee.

or frum the authors self-centerd point of vue, tiz horrbull fer sumbidy that has to rite.

but on a count a how he generly gits migraines furst thang in the mornin, witch thats when he lacks to rite or even let me git to the keybird, he sum times gits that same aphasick aura that miz Branson had rite thar on tee vee, n seem lack he has dun lost his confidents with wurds or sumthin.

on a counta the rong wurds cum out ...

fack is, he has dun writ this here lil post n lost it three times ...

ach!!

fonly i could git them migraine to scram by pertendin the author has em n i dont! i am so sick of these dam thangs to whar i caint hardly thank strate.

n wurst part is, wurser even than the pain (but not wurser than the vomitin) is whut happend to that pore reporter.

i know jes how she mus feel on a counta i have bin talkin to miz bd a minny a time when i caint do no better. or i call thangs by thar rong names, callin the sink a lake fer egg sample. or i wake her up a'talkin that same kinda gibberish miz Branson wuz talkin, only in my sleep. ye mite egg speck that whenever yer sleepin, but by the time i am trine to talk, i thank i am wide awake n jes caint make miz bd understand whutever i am trine to say on a counta the rong wurds cum out. i git frustratd n angry n hurt n cunfused all at the same time to whar i caint hardly do nuthin. corse whenever it happens thays a world ful of pain on the way.

n too minny times to count i try to rite sumthin n find the rong wurds on the screen whenever i open my eyes up to read whut i writ (or tried to rite).

thang is, i know eggzackly whut tiz i wonta say n the eggzack wurds i wonta say, witch i kin see em in my mind, but thay jes wont cum outta my mouth. or even offn the keybird. how kin that happen? i caint say, but it duz.

n after that, twill be a killer day of pain n mizry.

tiz a sad thang to watch sumbidy go thru such a hard momint lack Serene Branson dun on the tee vee, but tiz the furst time the author or me eethur one ever seen sumthin that shows jes how awe full migraines kin be. i hope the world gits the point that they aint jes lil hed aches. they aint sumthin a bidy kin git thru on will power.

tiz even sadder to know that she has dun started havin migraines n aint no way to stop em cumpleatly, lease not as fur as me or the author has bin able to figger out.

i hate to add mitt, but the author had to git me over to the keybird to talk bout this on a counta he is dun alreddy a'havin to his nex migraine, witch that means i am thar with im (we caint neethur one type with eyes open on a counta the monitors lite stabs the left eye ever chants it gits, witch that means thays a slew of miss takes to fix).

i hope the rite wurds has cum out.

mizry of buddy don: these thangs never stop

twas my intenshun to post a lil sumthin ever day sos i could git this blog a'goin agin, but thangs dont always go the way ye wont em to. so i wuz up at 12:30 yesterdy, trine to cunvints myself that i wudnt havin no migraine when i wuz. whut depresshun i felt over gittin sick agin. (when i have good daze, i caint imagin thays still bad daze a'cummin.)

then my blessed lil miz bd pointed out that with the weather we wuz a'havin, twuz a purrfeck day fer a migraine. i hadnt notissd durin the sufferin. soons she tole me whut the cawz wuz, i felt a hole lot better, even tho i wuz still in pain n nauseous.

so heres hopin fer a better day today. i count blessins ever sangle day n dont never git to the end of em. n i pray fer the folks i luv to cum thru thar struggles.

i am a'prayin fer my yunger bruther brew these daze, who hes in the hospitull recuverin frum open-hart surgry. i count it as a blessin that i kin talk to eem on the fone each n ever day, sumtimes a cuple times. whutever trubles i have ever had seem small whenever i look a whut other folks is puttin up with.

waka of budo adana: Urge

Urge

Two AM, awake,
Wishing nausea away
Unsuccessfully,
Trying to resist the urge
To howl, to cry, to vomit

waka of budo adana: Pain

Pain

The pain is a friend,
A faithful companion who
Lives inside my skull,
Who wakes me after midnight
From the terror of nightmares.

more eggsplainayshuns of buddy don: kin it be this long?

jes looked at my blog fer the furst time in way too long. caint say i will be ritin much, but i did wonta let folks know i am sorta livin still. i am in a good kinda therapy, witch thangs has to git wurser ere they kin git inny better, witch the mind kin kindly understand, but the hed still hurts way too much.

wurst of everthang is how i caint rite much of nuthin, not even yer lil waka ...

eggsplainayshuns of buddy don: still sickern a dawg ...

... even sickern a dawg that has jes lost at home to them vols, witch i reckun that has to be a horrbull feelin, kindly lack losin to alabama lack we dun this year (or inny year) ...

... but i wonted to make a post sayin that i shore do preciate all them kind wurds n such that i bin gittin in my email n reglar mail n even in comments, so i wonted to say 'thankee' ...

... n i hope to git shed of sum of them medicayshuns i bin a'takin on a counta seems almos lack thar the wurst problem i gut at the moment, speshly with ritin, witch havin trubles thar is a'killin me ... n thays still migraines that bust thru whutever medicayshuns i take.

but havin writ that, i wonta rite this: thays way more blessins than curses in this here life, even in this migrainus hell whar i am stuck at presunt ...

... so heres wishin yall nuthin but blessins fer inny halldays that ye mite obsurve ...

waka of budouadana: Darkness

Darkness

In darkest hours,
The new day concealed by shade,
I wonder what comes,
Whether pain, love, even death —
All hopes and fears possible.

nitemares of buddy don: dreams that end in migraines

i bin havin lots of dreams here lately, witch most of em ends up in migraines. odd thang is how ever one of em is about dyin. taint everbidy that dreams bout thar own death (or the death of whoever they be in the dream), but that seems to be the sangle common elemint in all of em. heres the furstn that i kin recolleck:

i wuz lyin in my own coffin, witch thay wuz a slew of folks fixin to sprankle dirt over it. fer sum reason, thay wudnt no top on the coffin. i wuz trine to let everbidy know how thay must a bin a horribull miss take a counta i wudnt dead yet! twuz one of them dream sitchewayshuns whar ye wonta scream but nuthin will cum outta yer mouth.

whenever i figgerd thay wudnt no way to talk em outta buryin me, i deecided i wood settle fer em rearrangin my bidy in the coffin to whar my hed wudnt jammd up agin the left hand corner, makin my hed hurt so bad i couldnt ritely see.

i woke up in a near panick with a terrbull hed ake in the same ole place. made it to the bottom of our loft stairs in time to vomit in the wastepaper bin.

could be thays a lank between whut i am a'feelin (helpless, hopeless, deepressd) n them dreams.

tiz wurth investigatin, witch thats alreddy a'goin on.

mizry of buddy don: how long, how long?

i figgerd twood be proper to give ye a lil update on how thangs is a'goin with my migraines, witch i havent bin able to git thru three daze without havin one since july 8. i dun seen a slew of doctors bout it n seems lack twont ever end, ceptn thays always hope n i have dun bin a'countin my blessins, witch thays moren i kin mentchun, startin with miz bd, who she takes keer of me n sticks by me no matter whut, no matter how much it innerupts her own life. twood be nice to have a day with no hedache, but thisn aint one.

fack is, i caint read, caint rite, caint do much of nuthin. but i gut me the worlds best partner n since i hate goin so long without postin nuthin, so this here post is a lil bit of nuthin fer ye.

thankee.

waka of budouadana: Oak

i sumtimes wish i could be lack that big ole oak tree that wuz a'growin in grandie's yard ... nuther migraine day (after a nuther migraine night) ... nuther doctor to see today ... tiz true, sumtimes, i druther be a ole oak tree lost in a forest sumwhars ...

Oak

Consider the oak,
Standing naked and upright,
Bending in the wind,
Freezing in icy snow, yet
Never a word of complaint.

waka of budouadana: scars

Scars

Still trying to heal
From traumatic wounds that left
Ugly, wicked scars,
Clues from which to reconstruct
The crimes that caged my spirit.

mizry of buddy don: fergive the long silents

jes wonted to post a lil note to let ye know i am still here even ifn i aint bin postin. all summer long migraines has bin a'killin me n turns out thays a lil problem causin nausea that made me thank i wuz gittin more migraines than i wuz. but i aint posted much on a counta the heavy medicayshun, witch it make my hed feel deddern it duz whenever tiz a'hurtin frum a migraine ... but without the pane. sides that, i aint hardly bin out of doors since early july, so taint lack i have much to say ...

mizry of buddy don: a munth of nuthin

i am a'hopin that i kin git to wurk n stay thar this hole day. i am a'hopin that i kin git my short term disabilty tuck keer of. i am a'hopin minny a thang today.

as ye mite could figger out by now, i have bin bout as sick this past munth as ever i kin member. it all started on the 8th day of july when i knew i wuz in pane but figgerd is could wurk thru it. i dun it n dun the same thang the nex day, witch twuz a fridy. i wuz feelin a lil under the wether, but figgerd twuz sumthin that wood leave me, so me n miz bd wint to the brooklyn botanick garden that weekend.

then cum sundy, july 12: i knew thangs wood be bad whenever i gut that feelin as ifn i had scraped a 1 inch wide strip of scalp frum the top of my hed, jes to the left of the center line. that pane started n dint let up fer four daze. twuz the wurst pane i have yet felt, tho they say ye caint remember pane n tiz probly true, but i caint recolleck ever feelin such pane befor.

frum that, twuz a series of pane n nausea, witch i wuz on the fone to my neurologist day after day. she dint thank i needed to cum see her on a counta i have dun bin diagnosed. i tole her that the pane made it feel lack it had to be sumthin moren a migraine, but thats whut all folks with migraines sez ever now n agin. i wunder to this verr day bout that.

innywho, i deecided i wood make a pointment with my reglar doctor n have my annual fisicull. furst availabull date: september 9, witch thats barely over a munth of waitin. but a fisicull aint urgent innywho.

then whenvever it seemed to me lack the nausea mite could be sumthin else on a counta i feel it ever time i eat, i deecided to make a reglar pointment, witch i wonted to see eem as soon as possibull ceptn the furst date wuz fer the 12th of this munth, over 2 weeks after i made the pointment. ifn i am lucky, i kin still show eem a simptum or two. thay aint no way i kin figger whar ye kin go see yer doctor whilst yer ackshly in the furst blush of yer illness. thar jes too busy.

thang is, i have bout the best insurants ye kin git in this cuntry.

mizry of buddy don: cummin twixt me n my doctor

i aint bin able to rite much lately on a counta havin the longest n wurstest migrain i have yet had in this here life. odd thang bout it is how it prooves that even ifn ye git the best health keer cuveridge ye kin git, thays still a'gone be sum folk standin betwixt ye n yer doctor.

fer eggsample: i wint to see my neurologist, witch that thar insurants cumpny woodnt let me pick a speshulist on a counta that had to be dun by my primary keer doctor. so the insurants cum twixt me n whutever choice i mite coulda wonted to make by gittin my reglar doctor to pick my speshulist. aint no big thang, but tiz the furst place whar insurants kep me frum makin my own choice ... n i caint say i coulda dun no better, ceptn fer this

a few years back that verr same primary keer doctor sicced me onta a grate neurologist, witch he wuz a big hep till he deecided he woodnt acksept my insurants no more. so i had to git a new neuro even tho i lack the one i had. thang is, i coulda kep a'goin to the old one ... ifn i coulda afforded the $350 each visit wood cost on top of inny perseedures he mite coulda wonted to do n inny medicayshun he wooda wonted to perscribe n et cetra.

innywho, i wuz speakin with my latest neuro (thurd one) bout the news on health keer n the publick opshun whenever she wuz inspecktin me fer migraine damages. i ast her whut she thought. she ast me did i have a problum with public fire departments a'puttin out fires? did i have a problem with publick poe-leece takin keer to make the streets safe? did i have a problum with publick skools?

thang is, i dint have no major trubles with inny of em on a counta ever one has hepped me ceptn whenever i wuz livin down in tennessee n thay cum a fire out at the farm witch turnt out thay wudnt no publick opshun whar we wuz a'livin n we dint know it so the fire cumpny cum but reefused to putt out the fire on a counta we hadnt sined up with em (we dint even know thay wudnt no publick fire dept at the time). n they woodnt let us sine up on the spot since the fire had dun alreddy broke out ... so they let it burn n jes watched us puttin it out our ownselves best we could. the eggstint of the damage wuz grater on a counta we dint have nuthin but garden hozes to putt it out with. but we gut it out ere the hole place burnt down.

innyhow, i tole dr k that i dint have no truble with nun of them thangs. she pointed out that folks that dint lack the publick skools dint have to use em n could send thar kids to privutt skools ifn they wonted to, witch tiz the same with doctorin: ifn i had the money, i coulda stuck with the furst neuro i had. nobidy pervented me. i jes couldnt cum up with the scratch to do that reglar lack.

then she pointed out how the insurants cumpny is twixt us n the deecishuns she wonted to make even now. thang is, the pane i am a'havin now dont ack lack a normal migraine eggzackly. insted, i have bin hurtin in the same place fer the longest. it dont stop. it only gits a lil numb. i tole her twuz almos impossibull to bleeve that it wudnt nuthin a'growin up in thar. she sed tiz minny a migraineur that sez the same. she also pointed out that i dun had my last mri jes a year n a half ago n the insurants cumpny wont pay fer a nuther (tiz rashunned keer, by the way) till it has bin three years.

then she increased the medicayshun i am a'takin, but the insurants cumpny tole the farmacist that she couldnt give miz bd the new drugs on a counta they bleeve i am a'takin the medicin too fast, ceptn tiz the doctor that increased the dose! farmacist sed to cum back when i wuz out of pills n she wood be able to git sum more then.

to sum up:

1. lost my furst neuro on a counta insurants woodnt no longer pay. i coulda paid my ownself ifn i wuz rich, witch i aint n thats the mane reason i have insurants in sted of jes payin fer everthang that mite could go rong, but whut it means is thays a insurants bureaucrat twixt me n my doctor (witch jes magine how much wurser it wooda bin ifn twere a gummint bureaucrat!)


2. my current doctor wood lack to have a nuther mri dun ceptn the insurants cumpny is rashunnin that keer witch that means thays a insurants bureaucrat twixt me n my doctor (witch jes magine how much wurser it wooda bin ifn twere a gummint bureaucrat!)


3. my doctor gives me a perscripshun that shows how she has increasd my dosage, but the insurants cumpny is watchin n sez i caint have the medicin jes yet, makin a nuther insurants bureaucrat twixt me n my doctor (witch jes magine how much wurser it wooda bin ifn twere a gummint bureaucrat!)


4. this same thang happend to me back whenever i wuz havin back surgries, witch thank the kindness of my surgeon fer havin sample pills to give me whenever the insurants bureaucrat cum twixt me n my doctor n sed i couldnt have the medicayshun he had perscribed fer me (witch jes magine how much wurser it wooda bin ifn twere a gummint bureaucrat!)


5. i reckun it dont count whenever the insurants cumpny denies payment fer sumthin thats cuverd n then sez thar sorry whenever ye call but then deny the payment agin till ye call agin n git a nuther round of how sorry they are (n tiz true how they are verr sorry folk) till after three or four such denials they finely pay ... that aint lack a insurants bureaucrat cummin twixt me n my doctor (witch jes magine how much wurser it wooda bin ifn twere a gummint bureaucrat!), jes the insurants cumpny spendin a lotta our insurants payments money trine not to pay whut they owe, witch they all ways ended up a payin, jes after more time n money wuz spent furst trine not to pay it. aint that purty eefishunt?