cleanup reprint: biblicull paradies

note: this post furst appeared on 12/13/2005. i am deletin the ole one to git rid of the filthy lanks in the comments. i plan to do this fer a while till i git it all cleaned up. thankee fer yer indulgents.

i been gittin a lot of traffick lately thanks to a lankt to a ole post by john walkenbach at j-walk blog. thang is, i had dun red books by john walkenbach back whenever i wuz ritin vba fer eggcell fer a livin. tiz a small worl.

innywho, i figgerd i wood make it a lil easier fer folks to find three biblicull paradies writ n posted here.

furst is the one mr walkenbach lanked to, ten commandments eggsplained in footnotes:

i noticed tuther day how aint hardly nobidy that still bleeves in the ten commandments the way they wuz furst writ. i gut to studyin the matter n cum to real eyes how them commandments is ok fer starters, but to fit the modern day moral values of amurka, they need em a few footnotes, lease eight of em by my count. furst, fer them amung ye thats dun fergot em, here they be, frum exodus chaptur 20, versus 3-17:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.(1)
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.(2) Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.(3)
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.(4)
5. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
6. Thou shalt not kill.(5)
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou shalt not steal.(6)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.(7)
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.(8)

Notes:
(1) unless said other god happens to be:

* your country, in which case god shall step aside and let the country be acknowledged first, at least when it is being attacked by some other country or afraid that some other country might someday have the means, motive and opportunity to attack, thus suspending for all combatants any other commandments that might conflict with the needs of the country
* your company, which you will serve without question so long as you wish to have income from said company, especially if your company is under attack from government regulators, market forces, or competition from other companies, in which case god shall step aside and all other commandments that might conflict with the needs of your company will be suspended so long as your actions are taken in support of said company
* your fraternity, sorority, country club, investment club, chamber of commerce, elks, masons, or other exclusive organization that requires, for purposes of being accepted or maintaining membership in good standing, participation in actions that might be construed as being in conflict with one or more of the commandments; in such special circumstances, god shall step aside and some or all of the commandments shall be temporarily suspended so that loyalty to the precepts and principles of said fraternity, sorority, country club, investment club, chamber of commerce, elks, masons, or other exclusive organization may be obeyed and respected without concern about or pangs of conscience over any conflict with any commandment that would otherwise have been in effect
* your party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever so long as said party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever shall be shown to be in competition with any other party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever, under which special circumstances god shall step aside and all conflicting commandments shall be suspended so long as necessary to insure that your party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever can compete
* any other entity whose membership requirements might in any way be construed to be in conflict with the commandments listed above, in which case god shall step aside and all conflicting commandments shall be suspended so long as necessary to allow you to continue enjoying said other entity
* money or any other symbol of monetary value, be it stock, bond, option, copyright, patent, trademark, or any other entity, symbol, or thing that could be construed to have monetary value in any known or yet to be discovered universe

(2) unless said graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth should act as:

* logo, flag, symbol or representative of any entity described in footnote one
* image necessary to provide any form of entertainment, be it movie, television, magazine, poster, fine art painting, or any other likeness that could generate income or human interest
* family memento such as any photo, painting, water color, fingerpaint, or any other likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth so long as said photo, painting, water color, fingerpaint, or any other likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth be something the family, in whole or in part, enjoys, tolerates, or tapes onto a refrigerator
* anything else that is not any other graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth that anyone wants to use for any purpose whatsoever since the plain fact is that the world no longer needs or respects or has any plan whatsoever to honor this particular commandment

(3) note that since nobody actually knows god's name any longer, this commandment only applies if someone figures it out again; in other words, this one is a freebie

(4) unless the purpose of not honoring said sabbath day should involve one or more of the following activities:

* generating income or pursuing any other activity for any organization covered under footnote (1) above
* attending sports contests or watching them on tv
* doing any other thing under which this commandment might be construed as being applicable

(5) unless said killing is covered under one of the following excuses for killing anyway:

* collateral damage
* war
* execution(s) of individual(s) other humans have judged worthy of death

(6) unless said theft occurs on a very grand scale, such as gaming the energy grid to generate profits for your company (see footnote (1) above), robbing the pension funds of your company, union, or any other organization with funds you have been entrusted to protect, or otherwise participating in actions that reallocate the funds of those less worthy to your bank account and so long as said theft occurs on a grand scale worthy of enron -- just don't rob a liquor store or remove anyone's hubcaps!

(7) unless said bearing of false witness should prove useful in any of the following activities:

* invasion of another country in order to prevent them from using weapons of mass destructions, that is, to prevent them from collaborating with your enemies, rather, that is to bring them freedom and democracy, whether they want it or not
* persuasion of gullible individuals to make purchases of items they don't need
* sliming your political opponent, in which case any lie, falsehood, misinterpretation of anything he/she ever said, wrote, or did, or other form of bearing false witness shall lead to god stepping aside and said bearing of false witness allowed
* anything else that might, if successful, lead to the generation of profit, income, revenue or any other value in this and all other known universes and in any universe yet to be discovered

(8) unless said coveting leads to working harder to obtain more things and thus make the economy grow.

heres a nuthern, witch ye mite speck sumthin lack this frum a hillbilly on wall street:

the hordes' prayer

our dollar, which art invested,
hollow be thy name
thy kingdom come, thy damage done,
on earth, as it is on wall street
give us this day, our daily profit
and forgive us our debts as we foreclose upon our debtors
lead us not into inflation, but deliver us from loss
for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever!
all men

finely, thisn here is my favert:

the re-attitudes
Matthews 5 (King Karl Version)

1 And seeing the multitudes, he went down into an undisclosed location: and when he was set, his disciples and lobbyists and party operatives came unto him:

2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

3 Blessed are the rich in material things: for theirs is the right to increase their wealth by plundering the resources of the garden they tend (at God’s command), creating their own kingdom of heaven on earth in gated communities far removed from the toxic waste dumps that shall result from their plundering of said garden.

4 Blessed are they that rejoice in the death of their adversaries: for they shall be widely praised as true Americans who won’t allow themselves to inherit the defeatist attitudes resulting from the Vietnam war (or the pacifist false Jesus of the libruls).

5 Blessed are the bold: for they shall take the earth, remove its exhaustible resources, cut taxes on the rich, criminalize sexual orientation, create a culture of life limited to the unborn and to keeping the suffering agéd safe from euthanasia and the social security they overpaid for from 1983 until the present but not extended to the innocent citizens of countries that must be destroyed to be saved; be allowed to dress up in a jump suit, pretend to land a fighter plane on and strut across the surface of an aircraft carrier before a banner that says “Mission Accomplished” and claim that major combat operations are over and yet later boldly claim that they didn’t put up the banner or mean what they said if it turns out that thousands of the foreigners you invaded to save from death and torture end up dead and tortured or even hundreds of our own brave soldiers should die in further combat operations or an insurgency they bolded assumed would not come, for they shall be given unlimited power in Washington and be praised on Fox news.

6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after power at any cost: for they shall be full of it.

7 Blessed are the pitiless: for they shall deny mercy to anyone they suspect of being a terrorist, a homosexual, a journalist with integrity, a librul, a Democrat or anyone else who gets in the way of their need to turn the US of A into a single-party state.

8 Blessed are the pure in partisan policy: for they shall use God.

9 Blessed are the warmongers: for they shall be called upon to kill the children of God in unfortunate instances of collateral damage while they are spreading democracy and self-determination to those who don’t have the sense to vote for it themselves or to determine their own future for themselves.

10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for right-wing causes' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of Washington and the forum of Fox News, corporate cable outlets, and other forms of Infotainment (the practice formerly known as “News”).

11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you based on insufficient evidence (but not necessarily untruth) on CBS or in Newsweek or the New York Times, for they shall provide cover for you by the public feeding frenzy they shall incite on cable TV and in the newsrooms owned and operated by great corporations, allowing you to obscure the necessary evil you do for my sake.

12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in Washington and on Fox News: for so persecuted they the demagogues which were before you.