pinions of buddy don: the re-attitudes

Matthews 5 (King Karl Version)

1 And seeing the multitudes, he went down into an undisclosed location: and when he was set, his disciples and lobbyists and party operatives came unto him:

2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

3 Blessed are the rich in material things: for theirs is the right to increase their wealth by plundering the resources of the garden they tend (at God’s command), creating their own kingdom of heaven on earth in gated communities far removed from the toxic waste dumps that shall result from their plundering of said garden.

4 Blessed are they that rejoice in the death of their adversaries: for they shall be widely praised as true Americans who won’t allow themselves to inherit the defeatist attitudes resulting from the Vietnam war (or the pacifist false Jesus of the libruls).

5 Blessed are the bold: for they shall take the earth, remove its exhaustible resources, cut taxes on the rich, criminalize sexual orientation, create a culture of life limited to the unborn and to keeping the suffering agéd safe from euthanasia and the social security they overpaid for from 1983 until the present but not extended to the innocent citizens of countries that must be destroyed to be saved; be allowed to dress up in a jump suit, pretend to land a fighter plane on and strut across the surface of an aircraft carrier before a banner that says “Mission Accomplished” and claim that major combat operations are over and yet later boldly claim that they didn’t put up the banner or mean what they said if it turns out that thousands of the foreigners you invaded to save from death and torture end up dead and tortured or even hundreds of our own brave soldiers should die in further combat operations or an insurgency they bolded assumed would not come, for they shall be given unlimited power in Washington and be praised on Fox news.

6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after power at any cost: for they shall be full of it.

7 Blessed are the pitiless: for they shall deny mercy to anyone they suspect of being a terrorist, a homosexual, a journalist with integrity, a librul, a Democrat or anyone else who gets in the way of their need to turn the US of A into a single-party state.

8 Blessed are the pure in partisan policy: for they shall use God.

9 Blessed are the warmongers: for they shall be called upon to kill the children of God in unfortunate instances of collateral damage while they are spreading democracy and self-determination to those who don’t have the sense to vote for it themselves or to determine their own future for themselves.

10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for right-wing causes' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of Washington and the forum of Fox News, corporate cable outlets, and other forms of Infotainment (the practice formerly known as “News”).

11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you based on insufficient evidence (but not necessarily untruth) on CBS or in Newsweek or the New York Times, for they shall provide cover for you by the public feeding frenzy they shall incite on cable TV and in the newsrooms owned and operated by great corporations, allowing you to obscure the necessary evil you do for my sake.

12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in Washington and on Fox News: for so persecuted they the demagogues which were before you.