Tuesday, March 08, 2005

pinions of buddy don: true christianity is only fer the crazy

i wuz thankin bout a cuple thangs this mornin as i refleck on the issue before the spreme cort bout whuther them ten commandments should be putt into publick places.

one thang wuz bout my fambly histry, witch a bunch of em wuz frum scotland n thus calvinist presbyteryuns, witch they dint take kindly to the king of englund commandin em to start usin the church of englund's book of common prayer. fack is, they wuz so obstinutt bout it, king charles had sum of em killt by removull of thar head frum thar bidy, witch lucky fer me, elijah duncan had sense a nuff to send his son john to amurka on a counta bein askeerd john wood be killt too ifn he stayed. so that child cum to amurka bleevin twernt the place of the gummint to do nuthin to make one relijun or a nuther the one everbidy has to practiss, witch thats the kinda eggsperients that led to the separayshun of church n state.

nuther thang has to do with my bruther eli. as i splained in whut i dun writ of life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly, eli is a crazy, pairannoyed scizofrenick cunsidderd 100% disabulled by the VA, witch that means he gits his livin mailed to im twicet ever munth n gits his medicayshun n docterin fer free.

ye could git in a slew of fuss n fites with folks over whuther hes really crazy. he claims he gut the label of crazy whenever he gut in truble in the army fer ritin sum 'unpublishabull jurnalism,' witch i dint even know thay wuz such a thang. he wuz sent to walter reed n they give im electro-shocks to fix im up, but no matter whut they dun, he woodnt quit sayin he bleeved in demons on a counta how thar in the bible.

innywho, lack i sed, whut gut me to thankin bout them two thangs is how the spreme cort is cunsidderin whuther them ten commandments should be diss played in publick bildins n such. mr scalia has dun pointed out how them commandments aint no seckular part of our cultchur but proof all gummint is authorized by god.

thays sum that caint see innythang rong with doon this on a counta how seems lack they wood be rite thar with king charles ifn he happend to be backin thar brand of relijus bleef. seems lack a terrbull thang to do to deescendents of folk that cum here to be able to practiss thar relijun without no gummint backin one way a'doon it over a nuthern.

but eli claims he kin splain it all verr simply. problem is how ye half to be crazy to be a true christchun. whenever he furst tole me that, i objeckted, so he splained it as follers, witch ifn ye dont lack readin the ravins of the crazed, dont read the nex paragraffs.

'furst thang they gut rong, bud, is the idee that the battle twixt good n evil kin be fought on sum battle field. taint a material battle, bro, but a spiritchul one. ifn it twere a battle of arms on a battlefield, then whenever satan give jesus a chants to run the worl n fix all its flaws, jesus wooda tuck im up on it. jesus wuz showin that ifn ye do that, yer makin a deal with the devil, witch jesus showed us all how to reack to that kinda temptayshun by refusin, even ifn it meant he wood half to die a gruesum death. the problem is that folks has got thar focus on the rong worl, witch thonly one that matters is the nextn.

'no, bud, the battlefield twixt good n evil is the soul of ever sangle man. aint no man all good, witch thats splained in the bible, romans 3:23 whar it sez "all men have sinned, and come short of the glory of god." that includes ever politishun, ever king, ever mullah, ever pope, in fack ever person that ever lived. thar all sinners n gods real battle is fer thar soul. tiz a simple matter to figger out whuther a person is winnin the battle by lookin at thar fruits. do thar ackshuns reesult in more people bein dead? do thar ackshuns show how they understand how all men have sinned n thay aint folks thats all good or all evil? no, thay aint no battlefield whar ye kin fite fer god by a'carryin the weppons of man. fack is, jesus sed ifn ye live by the sword, ye a'gone die by it.'

lack i sed, eli is crazy, so ye dont half to take nuthin he sez all that serious. heres a lil list of sum tuther thangs he bleeves:
  • one of them ten commandments sez how ye aint spozed to make no images, witch heres how it runs (exodus 20:4):
    Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
    eli is so crazed to whar he thanks god wuz talkin bout innythang atall, even a graven image of them ten commandments!
  • ye caint luv god but live fer money on a counta how ye kin only worship one thang, n ye kin tell witchn ye worship by yer fruits n how ye ack. ifn yer spendin mos of yer time frettin over money, gettin n spendin n wurryin bout yer investments n sacrificin time with yer fambly sos ye kin make more, then thars whar yer hart is n ye wont have no chants to make it into the kingdum of heaven. 'folks that goes fer money gits thar reeward in this worl, bud, so they aint gut nuthin cummin to em in the nex.'
  • he bleeves that jesus meant whut he sed whenever he claimed ye should turn tuther cheek if sumbidy strikes ye, witch we dun prooved how that aint true on a counta then the terrst wood win. corse, ye gut to member how eli is crazy n thanks thonly thang that matters is the nex worl n whut yer spozed to do in this worl is resist doin evil or returnin evil with innythang but luv. he add mitts tiz a hard thang to do, witch he advises folks to pray fer strangth.
  • he bleeves the devil has cuntrol over this worl n ifn ye git grate power, tiz on a counta the devil lettin ye have it.
  • he thanks ye dont need to go to no church but that jesus meant it whenever he said (matthew 18:20), 'For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.' hes so crazed to whar he thanks all ye need do is git sumbidy to gather with ye in the name of christ n thar jesus his verr ownself will be. ifn that wuz true, whar wood churches git thar bizness?
  • he bleeves all that stuff bout judge not lest the judgment ye mete out be the judgment ye git. he claims true faith wood mean letting god even the score on a counta he knows everthang n has plenty of time to set thangs rite in the nex worl. he sed jesus wuz trine to show us how that wurks when he cum upon a bunch of folk that wuz a'gone stone a prostitoot to death n he sed the person without no sin could cast the furst stone, but the bible dun splained how thay aint nobidy with no sin. eli ackshly thanks folks should have faith in the bible the claim they bleeve in.
  • likewise, he claims tiz evil n rong to eggzecute innybidy, that it shows a lack of faith in god to mete out proper punishment. lack i sed, he is crazy, so ye dont have to bleeve nun of this ifn ye dont wont to.
  • he bleeves ye orta give all yer money to them thats less wurthy, witch he duz jes that with his n it means sum times we gutta hep im out.
  • last of all, he bleeves all them ten commandments is spozed to be observed as writ, with no footnotes!
corse, eli is in good cumpny on a counta how the atheist flossofer friedrich nietzsche sed 'god is dead. the christchun god is unwurthy of bleef.' in fack, seems lack them thats in power bleeves whut nietzsche had to say on a counta how nietzsche figgerd the christchun god wuznt wurthy of bleef on a counta how jesus preeched a pacifist relijun that dint support war nor the idee of power n mite determinin whuts rite n whuts rong.

witch we know much better now! we dun made us a modern n more ackceptabull image of a warlike christ that even nietzsche could bleeve in.

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