life of buddy don, chaptur 124: teachin my furst class

in the summer of 1981, i gut to teach a english class all by myself fer the furst time. i had dun parts of classes with the hep of reglar instructers durin my furst year of grad skool, but they dint allow ye to teach a class all yer own till ye had made it thru the furst year. me n emily dint wonta go find no minimum wage entry level jobs fer the summer n we luved skool, so twuz only natcherul how we wood take classes n all. thats how i cum to have a summer class.

as ye know ifn ye been payin much tenchun to whut amurka valus on the basis of whut tiz willin to pay, ye know that teachin is bout at the level of takin orders at mack donalds. i reckun that could be on a counta how tiz a reeward all by its ownself. ye wurk long hours n take wurk home with ye n give up a day or two of ever weekend to gradin papers n makin lessun plans, but whenever ye walk back tords yer home at the end of a day, ye git a grate feelin that ye dun sumthin good fer the worl. ifn twernt fer that, we wood probly have to cum up with a way of payin our teachurs a lil bettern we do. but as they say, we gut other priorties.

the way they wurked it back in the 80s at utk, ever freshman had to take three english classes, witch they wuz organized thisaway: furst quarter, ye teach em basick composishun -- how to rite 500 wurd essays using the followin forms: deescripshun, narrative, compar n contrast, process or how to do sumthin, argument, n so forth. the idee wuz to teach yung riters how to put together evidents to prove sum kinda point, witch they name that point the thesis. i lacked teachin this class on a counta ye had a chants to teach folks how to make good arguments based on bleevabull evidents. ye dint teach em whut to thank, but ye had to teach em how, lease to sum extent.

innywho, frum the instunt i gut in frunt of my own class, i knew i had dun found the thang i could do bes in life. i wood be a'doin it today ifn it wood pay a livin wage, witch it dont cum close to the wages they pay fer janitors n seckataries n cumputer tecks. i larnt that a few years later when i wuz near broke n went up to new york city, a'thankin i could git better money fer teachin than i gut in tennessee, but twernt to be. thay wuz jobs fer folks who had good english n could type, so i gut a job as a secketary n made near twice the money i made fer teachin. aint that a good deal fur amurka?

thang bout teachin a class is tiz all bout yer students, so heres a lil deescripshun of whut my students wuz lack that furst class, wurkin my way round the class frum the feller that sat in the furst seat on the far left row of seats, witch that wood be mark bandy:

1. mark had a crooked nose n a habit of speakin outta only one side of his mouth, witch that made im look a lil sarcastic or even ironick, even tho he dint have no talent fer usin or even understandin irony atall, so his crooked nose wuz hepful in makin him look lack he wuz intelligent. he writ on the sorriest topicks ye kin magine, lack the differnts twixt two gurls, witch he lacked the one but not tuther. he had problems with cumin up with a real sentence on a counta he dint have no good idee whar one sentence ended n the nex begun. mark gut im a 'c' mark frum me.
2. in back of mark wuz steve adams, a roly-poly kid with a greasy face who knew plenty bout cars n nuthin bout ritin. he wuz one of my three 'no-credits,' witch tuther two dint even show up. steve wurked hard to ne effeck on a counta how he refused to face tht fack that a cumplete sentence has gut to have both a subject n a predicut.
3. tuther steve, steve harrison, sat behine steve adams. he wuz a verr tall feller with too minny muscles to be able to sit cumfterbull, intense brown eyes n the look of sumbidy that jes mite go over the deep end by sundown. he knew more bout farmin than i speckted ye could know. he gut off to a verr slow start on a counta how he wuz hamperd by whut they call dialeck innerferents, but he gut to whar he masterd most of the thangs i wuz trine to teach im. he earned his 'c.' turnt out we had the same birthday n twuz a sprize to larn how he had im a fee-on-say n wonted to drop outta skool n git marrd, witch i wuz smart a nuff fer once to keep my mouth shut n let im make his own miss takes.
4. next row we had jake mitchell, witch he wuz steve adams' bes friend n a solid 'b' student. he had a grate maginayshun but chose terrbull topicks. he wurked hard on them papers, but he wooda gut nuthin but 'a' marks ifn he wooda chose better subjecks. fer eggzample, he cum up with the idee of usin coke vs. pepsi fer his compar n contrast, but he couldnt cum up with nuthin to say bout em ceptn how he lacked coke better, witch he couldnt even splain thatn more specifick than, 'it tastes better.'
5. back of jake wuz a nuther steve, a tall feller with lank black hair n vlue eyes. he wuz a 'a' student all the way -- chose grate topicks, had a vivid maginayshun, n wurked verr hard to make his essays the bes in the class. he writ at lease four 'readabulls,' witch i calld essays that wuz good a nuff to read out loud a 'readabull.' he wood call me up mos everday to discuss his paper topicks n organizayshun n approach n he wuz thonly student to attempt usin irony. whenever the class ended, he give me a note to thank me fer wurkin so hard to teach im.
6. perry manor sat behin steve. he wuz a broad sholderd feller built kindly lack a bull. he picked the mos difficult topicks, generly relayted to current events such as the riotin in england, the strength of nato or the ability of the us to defend itself in the pershun gulf.
7. behin him wuz a puzzle of a lass name of carol chivas, witch she had huge dirty blue eyes n messy hair. seemed lack she had loads of abilty, but she wudnt a'gone unload nun of it fer my class. she wuz hopin to becum a air traffick cuntroller n writ sevrul times bout the controversy when raygun fired em all. she wuz wise fer her age, hated bein treated lack a kid n tended to see thru the pretenshuns of her feller students. she wuz the definishun of yer no-nonsense type n she gut a 'b,' even tho she coulda gut a 'a' purty easy.
8. wilkie martin wuz frum seymour tennessee n sat in the frunt of the nex row. twuz the middle row n i thunk of it as the trubled row. he wurked  verr hard, struggled agin a thick ackcent n his yung look, witch he wuz a lil immature but knew how to rite correck grammar n such. that gut im a 'b.'
9. rose edmunds wuz a wild lookin blond with dark brown eyes, too much paddin, n too much makeup. she sat behin wilkie fer the furst half of the class n then jes disappeard. i never could figger why. her daddy wuz a dentist n she rote sum vivid deescripshuns of gory dental procedures. she gut a 'nc.'
10. pete barinson wuz a golfer n older student with stiff brown hair n blue eyes. ifn he showed up, he sat behin rose. he dressd lack he wuz jes bout to go play 18 holes ever time he cum to class, cumplete with sun visor. he rote bout nuthin but sports n wood call me at home after he had dun disappeard fer a cuple days. i had to hep im a lot, witch he cum thru with a 'c.'
11. rite smack dab in the middle of the hole class wuz a rich gurl name of wanda jeffries. wanda had her a long pair of legs, witch ye could git lost without a map jes a lookin at em, n twuz no sprize how she wonted to be a dancer sumday. she wood wear the latest fashuns, smile a lot, rite terrbull prose n pored on the makeup on a counta how she dint lack havin freckuls, witch that only cuverd up how beeyootiful she coulda been. but she wurked verr hard. i had a policy whar ifn ye gut a 'f' on a paper, ye could rite a nuthern. i musta red three of hers fer ever one by innybidy else, witch she really earned her 'c.'
12. nex cum her bes friend, nancy thomas. nancy wuz one of the bes students in the class. she wuz polishd n poised n rote perfeck but pointless prose. she wuz lack her frien in how she cuverd up how purty she wuz with way too much makeup.. she had her a boyfriend, witch they wood be standin outside the class a'huggin n kissin till the las mint. then here she wood cum in a big hurry a'wearin a smile to pall gize fer bein late. we had us a majur problem durin the class, witch i caught her plagurizin. she cunfessd so i dint make nuthin more of it. she gut a 'c,' witch she figgerd twuz charity, but twuznt. she coulda gut a 'a.'
13. my biggest problem sat behin nancy, wtich his name suz paul richardson. he wuz verr white skinned, sweated a lot n couldnt keep his oily black hair outta his verr black eyes. his mane problem wuz how he woodnt never foller the assignment. he wonted to eggspearmint with langwage, witch that led to pages without predicuts, verb forms without precedents. he wurked hard on terrbull topicks lack whuther green wuz green to everbidy or looked differnt to differnt folks, witch he couldnt never figger how to splain how he knew how color looked to nobidy besides his ownself. he cheated once when i had caught him jammin two sentences together with nuthin but a comma, witch the tecknickull term fer thatn is a comma splice. after i had dun graded the paper n dinged im fer the miss take, he put a lil period over his comma n then cum with the lie that he had put in a semi-colon all along. i shamed him to his face after that, only twuz in private. i sed i wood be happy to read his paper to the class as a warnin bout whut ye orta not do, witch that shut im up, but he wuz mad whenever he gut a 'c,' witch that wuz a gift frum me to him.
14. next cum harvey daniels, witch he wuz older, a vetern of the navy. he always cum in late a'haulin a motorcycle helmut. he had acne trubles n wonted to grow a mustache so bad that he let his ten or twelve whiskers grow till they wuz long a nuff fer im to suck em into his mouth or twirl em together sos they looked a lil thicker than they wuz. twuz a odd thang fer such a smart, aware, honest feller to do. he earned a 'b' n coulda dun better. he rote bout motorcycles in ever essay ceptn one bout bein fleeced in a memphis strip joint.
15. sittin in the frunt seat of the nex row wuz karen williams, a chubby gurl with a perpetchul smile on her face who sat suckin on her pen n gazin wide-eyed at me. she barly made a 'c.' cute, lovabull, karen sufferd frum havin been razed in a verr shleterd environment whar she thought a car wuz a necessaity fer 'youth.'
16. nex cum morton benjamin, a tall dark-skinned dummy with terrbul pimples n greasy black hair cut in bangs. he wuz one of them fellers that lacks to tinker elecktronick deevices n pull practicull jokes on folks. he dint have no imaginayshun n had to use sharee jeffersons paper topicks in order to git a 'c.'
17. rusty roberts sat behin mort. he wuz a chubby one with bright red cheeks, bright blue eyes n clean curly brown hair. he wurked at tv 26 n ever paper wuz about tv, witch he gut a 'b.'
18. the mos innerestin student in the class wuz a woman frum lebanon name of juliana abdul, witch she wuz older tuther students by bout a decade n mad as a wet hen at the worl. she lived at the ywca, wore tatterd shoes n raggedy cloze n kep quite as a mouse durin the class till the verr end whenever we discussed jonathan swift's a modest proposal. all of a sudden, she cum to life n hepped me show the rest of the class how that lil essay had significunts in modern amurka. she wuz marrd to a arab she hadnt never met on a counta he needed to git his green card, witch she gut trips to greece n palestine outta the deal. she gut a 'b' n needed to wurk a lot on her ritin, witch she had thangs wurth sayin.
19. nex cum sharee jefferson, a verr skinny, brown eyed gurl with mousy brown hair n the common problem of usin too much makeup. she dint have no imaginayshun but she had the rules of grammar down cold, witch she wuz the classick 'b' student. when i pall gized to her fer allowin mort to copy her paper topicks, she anserd, 'of that mort! he's so crazy.'
20. my las 'a'a student wuz a gurl name of neely lawrence. she wuz a verr shy gurl who wuz a lil too plump. she hadnt never once writ a essay befor cummin to utk, but she had red gone with the wind twelve times n dozens of other books, witch thats how she larned to rite so well.
21. cam russell cum nex, witch he wuz a lifeguard that looked lack a surfer with dry blong hair, freckles n bright blue eyes. he had the bes intenchuns but wuz too lazy to do much about em. he loved to preach teh gospel in his papers n used grate eggzamples n wonted to cunvert me. he earned a 'b,' even ifn he couldnt rite no 500 wurd essay in class.
22. finely thay wuz mindy crouse, a beeyootifull brainless gurl with honey blond hair, brown eyes and a mouth that she kep half open all the time in a stoopid gapin eggspreshun all the time. she rote so minny long borin essays that it makes me sleepy to thank back on it. seh conquerd her pernischus problems with subjeck-verb agreement, so i give her a 'c.'

once that class wuz over, i had me a real good feelin. i knew i had dun sum good, even ifn these kids wuz more spoild than i could know till i had been out teachin a lil more. twuz my furst class, n ifn me n miz bd has the money whenever tiz time to reetire frum wall street, i plan to teach a class or two. i wisht i could afford to doot now.

pinions of buddy don: playin with langwage

as ye mite coulda dun figgerd out by now, i luv langwage n langwages n all the varyus ways ye kin play with it. so i figgerd i wood put down a few 'snatches' i dun colleckted, witch a snatch is when ye overhear part of a conversayshun when yer walkin along. sumtimes it suggests a hole story line n sumtimes tiz jes fun. heres a few i colleckted on the streets of man hattan with a cuple frum bankers, witch they make verr creativ use of langwage.

1. "He was like, so? But I was like, dream on."
2. "I avoid his plague."
3. "I would hovel at your feet."
4. "He's a social piranha."
5. "She was suffering from a pre-existing maternal condition."
6. "I mean, I should have my face cleaned for him?"
7. "You don't want to open that bag of worms."
8. "I didn't say a mother f**king thing he said I said except for the motherf**king things he said I said that I said I said, motherf**ker!"
9. frum a banker: "Get over to the client, dance between the raindrops, and don't get us any more pregnant than we already are."
10. thisns one of my faverts. i herd it frum two of the biggest investment bankers thay wuz whar i used to wurk. i had jes cum into the mens room n wuz standin in front of the urinal twixt these two fellers when one sed tuther: "Any inside poop on who's to be anointed chief monkey wrench in the new snafu, or is that still underhat?"

i also lack to read how hillbillies sound tuther folks, so without revealin who rote thisn (by request of the author), heres how hillbilly sounds when sumbidy from scotland rites it:

"Deear Mom n Pop
Ah did reel goode oan mah eengliz eagzam. Ah wel tell y'all ahboot et oan oar nxt telephonication conversationne.

Wer boath well, Hop y'all ar two. We are goan up to Gatlinburg again thiz weekend and will be innncommune-icado from Friday until Sunday nite, stayin at a reel nice shalley so ***** [name withheld by request] telz me. Verry sory weel not be abel to tok. We will hav much to tolk about the necks wikend. 

***** luvvd hiz prezintz we had much LAFFIN ovir th book picshers an ah thoat th big simmit wiz reel classey.

Meen wile, ***** iz havvin appoplexi ovir the scoatlind/americy rugbi scoare but woant tel me wy!! (cood it bee that scoatlind WUNNE???). ah huv to weight til tomoro til its' oan oor teevee to fin oot- heez no tellin me nuthin.

luv te ye boath"

life of buddy don, chaptur 123: saturdy nite fever

durin the summer of 1981 we gut a visit frum sum of the folks we made friends with over in west germany, witch the furstns to cum wuznt our good friends frieda n erika but sum otherns that i dont reckon i hardly mentchuned befor now. twuz a verr sloppy fat gurl name of barbra n a friend of hers frum austria name of katrine. they cum to stay fer a few days in august, witch they gut in on a fridy n lef the nex windsdy. barbra wuz manely friends with emily n we hadnt never met katrine before barbra brung her over to amurka.
 
i hadnt never lacked barbra much. fer one thang, she wuz a verr librul kinda german, witch that meant she lacked to call the west germany 'ein mordstaat,' witch that means a murder state. she also lacked to say amurka wuz much wurser on a counta how we had too minny guns n settled everthang by violence. thang is, i dint disagree cumpletely with everthang she sed, but it botherd me a lot fer sumbidy frum germany to critisize our cuntry. twernt as if i couldnt see nuthin rong with us, but she dint have no rite to say nuthin on a counta how she hadnt never been thar.
 
as it happend, randy fox had jes gut out of the hospitull agin. he wuz walkin on crutches, but he could drive n git round bout as good as he ever could. he cum by to visit a few mints after barbra n katrine had put away thar stuff in the spar bedroom we used fer a study, witch they had brung em sum sleepin bags to roll out over the floor to sleep on. seem lack randy wuz sweet on katrine frum the instunt he met her so he volunteerd to take em to see the sites in oak ridge on saturdy. emily tuck em round the campus to show em thangs thar on fridy n we went out to los charros fer dinner that nite, witch twuz the furst time they had ever eat inny mexican food n they seemd to lack it purty good.
 
after that cum the group, witch we had our meetins ever fridy at 8 pm n frum the furstn we had, we dint miss fer nigh onto three years. them gurls sat quite n dint say nuthin while everbidy red, but they wuz impressd that folks in amurka wood do sumthin lack that. they figgerd thay wuznt much readin a'goin on in amurka. fer them, twuz spozed to be all lack the wild west or sumthin. but randy smith cum to the meetin fer the furst time. he wuz hopin to git the gurls to do sumthin when twuz over, but they wuz still jet-lagged n verr tired, so they made plans fer the nex day whar he wood show em the sites of oak ridge.
 
nex day we studied frum early to late. i wuz teachin my furst class all alone n seemed lack i had papers to grade ever spar mint of the day or nite. fer one thang, frum the verr furst time i ever taught inny ritin, i had this idee that they way ye learn is by ritin as much as ye kin. so i gut my class to rite sumthin evertime we met, witch that meant i had to grade whut they writ n thay wuz 25 of them n jes the one of me. but i bleeved in whut i wuz a'doon n figgerd twuz the way to teach. i used to tell em that ifn i wuz teachin em to play basketball, we wood git out on the court n see could we dribble n pass n shoot. twoodnt do to sit readin bout others playin basketball ifn we wonted to larn to doot too. twuz the same with ritin. ye gut to rite to larn how to rite.
 
innywho, that evenin brew n maisie cum over. we gut to playin cards n purty soon randy cum in with the gurls. seems lack they wuz gittin along purty good n he splained how we wuz all a'gonna out in the evenin so he could show our visters sum of the local nitelife.  he ast did we all wonta go. maisie had to git home sos she could wurk the nex day, but brew n emily agreed to go out together. we drove out alcoa hiway to a place they used to have out thar name of uncle sams. twuz still a'doin the disco thang n they kep the musick verr loud. we had us a cuple dranks before emily sed she had dun had a nuff. brew felt the same way, so they lef. i wonted to go, but randy begged me to stay on a counta otherwise he figgerd the gurls wood go too.
 
so we had us a nuther drank n the gurls danced a lil bit. randy gut em out in the car to smoke sum of theevil weed, witch they hadnt never had no weed before, jes hashish. they gut to cumplainin that they dint lack the sound system n the way it felt lack bein in a huge warehouse, witch i reckon thats jes whut the place wuz befor twuz changed into a nite club. they also dint lack the sound system, witch barbra sed twuz verr bass heavy. they also sed twuz way too conservativ. randy dint generly put up with folks attackin his place, but he wuz still a'hopin he could git kartine to spend a lil time alone with him, witch she seemd rite sweet on the idee ceptn fer how barbra dominated everthang.
 
innywho, randy ast em did they wonta see a differnt kinda bar n wood they be insulted ifn he tuck em to a gay bar. twuz jes whut they wuz a'hopin to see, so we drove back into knoxvull to the campus. thay used to be a bar over behind the scottish rite temple on 16th street name of the carousel, so randy tuck us thar. twuz a fack that the musick wuz better n not quite so bass heavy, but twuz still a lil too loud to talk. that dint matter nun on a counta how randy gut to dance one slow dance with katrine, witch she had to practically hold him up n it kindly seemd lack thangs wuz hedded in the rite die-reckshun, lease cordin to whut randy wuz hopin fer.
 
but twernt to be. we stayed till i sed i could walk home n leave them with a key, but they wuz tired n wonted to go also. so we gut up n hepped randy git his crutches set n then lef. we hadnt hardly gut out to the car in the parkin lot befor we herd sumbidy a'hollerin at us. i turnt my hed to see who twuz n thar wuz four of the fattest rednecks i ever seen. thay wuz claimin that randy had stubbed the big toe on the meanest one of em on his way out. i walked over twixt us n them n splained how twuz a acksident n ye could see how randy wuz on crutches. i sed we dint wont no truble, but bout then, thangs went black.
 
turnt out the feller i wuz talkin to hauled off n knocked me down with jes one punch. by time i cum to, i could see whar the biggest amung em wuz attackin randy. i gut up to offer hep, but tuther three fellers cum twixt us n ast did i wonta git beat up too. randy wuz over by his car claimin how he had im a uzi in his trunk n quick as he gut it, them four rednecks wuz a'gone be ded. they wuz laffin on a counta they wuznt no way they wood let im git nuthin outten his truck.
 
durin the hole thang, randy never quit insultin the feller attackin him, sayin thangs lack, 'well aint yew brave, attackin a feller on crutches. i bet ye kin beat up yer own grandmother. aint yew jes the bravest asshole that ever farted.' he kep it up, usin wurds thats too ugly to rite here lack mutherfucker n such. the feller wuz cussin randy rite back fer movin so much n dodgin the blows to whar the feller wood miss n hit the car n hurt his hand n cuss a blue streak n then try to hit im agin till he finely wrenched one of the crutches a'loose n started hittin randy with it, only randy dint go down till the feller gut both crutches frum him n then tripped him n threw the crutches over into the bushes whar randy couldnt git to em.
 
bout then they grabbed me n give me a cuple punches in the belly n knocked me down. by time i gut back up, katrine had found my glasses n give em to me. barbra had gone to git randys crutches, so he wuz propped up on em n trine to git his trunk open, but them four fellers had gut up in thar pickup by then. they pulled up nex to us. thay wuz two of em ridin in the back. one of em had im a shotgun, witch he trained it rite on randy n dared im to try openin his trunk. in sted, randy put his hands up bes he could while holdin onto his crutches. the fellers laffed n drove off.
 
i cunvinced randy not to git out his uzi on a counta how them fellers wuz long gone by then. in sted, he tuck us home. he ast me did i real eyes how bad i looked, witch i had me a black eye n my nose wuz bloody but i hadnt noticed nuthin. i tole im he looked wurser, witch that gut him into the car sos he could check the mirror. innywho, we finely lef n he dint even try to cum up. twuz purty clear that them gurls dint wont nuthin to do with us innymore, n fack is, they lef the nex day in sted of waitin till windsdy.
 
but the wurse moment cum after we gut home. the gurls wuz verr eggcited over whut had happend n they wonderd could they call home to splain to thar folks how they wuz all rite. i dint wont em to on a counta thar folks dint know nuthin had happend, but they give emily a twenty dollar bill to pay fer the call, witch i couldnt say nuthin. emily wonted to take keer of my face, witch i tole her twuz ok but i finely real eyesed she needed to doot so i let her. meanwhile, i couldnt hep but listen in while barbra splained how amurka wuz jes as violent as she had thunk twuz n she wuz jes happy nobidy had gut shot. ye wooda thought it hadda been the shootout at the ok corral.
 
thay wuznt nuthin we could say. i wuz glad they wonted to leeve nex day on a counta i felt such hatred fer how thay wuz so shore they had seen a reglar saturdy evenin, witch they hadnt. but wurse wuz how i felt such humiliayshun fer our cuntry. i wonted to argue bout it, splain how thangs wuznt really thataway, but barbra wood jes say she had seen whut she had seen till i gut to the point whar i dint keer whut she wonted to thank. fack is, thar minds wuz made up. as barbra splained, they hadnt been thar but a cuple days n look whut had happend. i tride to splain agin how odd that wuz, but they figgerd they wood stick with whut they saw, not whut i sed.

they left the nex day. i hung back while they give emily a big ole hug. i dint wont much of nuthin to do with em. wurse is, i felt so ashamed whenever barbra sed to emily how it must be scary livin in a place lack this. i objeckted n sed they dint know whut they wuz talkin bout. barbra sed sumthin bout me bein a typicull amurkin. then she turnt to me n sed, 'you should enjoy your saturday nite fever, herr duncan.' my mouth wuz open, but i wuz out of wurds.

visiters of buddy don: summa them sites

thay wuz a slew of pitchers here showin whar all we tuck our visters, but i tuck em down sos folks woodnt have to wait fer slow loadin. long story short, we tuck em mos everwhar.

 

pinions of buddy don: sayins

me n miz bd wus jes talkin bout how thays lil frazes that folks lacks to use overn over agin, witch ye call them 'sayins.' heres three that cum up:

1. a lot depends on a lot: thisn cum frum my irish friend n tiz one of the bes openin thangs fer a knee-go-shee-ay-shun that i ever herd. i seen im use it minny a time in a bizness meetin whar he wuz hopin to git a contract or sumbidy wuz a'wontin to git him to ackcep thar terms. mayhap the client would say, 'how much will it cost me?' he wood stroke his beerd a bit, look the feller in the eye, in say, 'a lot depends on a lot.'
   
2. sumthins goin on: thisn cum frum eli, witch ifn ye been readin that novel name of life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly, ye dun met eli n know bout how hes a skizofrenic. so thays times whar he gits into a rant bout sumthin or uther: strange thangs hes witnessed, jesus, death, yew name it. then he'll turn to ye lack hes givin ye the secret to splain everthang: sumthins goin on.
   
3. i could be wurse: i been a'usin thisn fer years. whenever folks spots sumbidy they know, they gut to say, 'how ya doin?' mos folks jes doot thisaway. furstn sez, 'how ya doin?' tuthern answers, 'how you doin' sumtimes tuthern mite anser, 'hangin in,' or 'im good,' or 'fine, you?' but i gut in the habit of ansering, 'i could be wurse,' n fack is it stops mos everbidy in thar tracks while they duz the logick to figger am i ok or not. sumtimes they mite say, 'i'm sorry,' witch i never meant to make em feel sorry. thays otherns that laffs n sum that sez, 'me too!' n corse thays the wits that sez, 'i been better.' sum of the wits mean thays bettern me n otherns is bein ironick bout how bad thangs is n sum is bein literull bout how thangs is. n sum dont much know whut they mean. 
        innywho, reason i gut to sayin thisn is how one time i had me a sinus in-feckshun whar no matter whut i dun, my nose wus clogged fer near a week. i couldnt hardly sleep n whenever i did, i wood wake up with my throat n lips n tongue parched n dry lack they coverd in a thin layer of sand. twuz so frutratin i wonted to cry. insted, i finely prayed to god n promissd that ifn i ever could breathe thru my nose agin, i woodnt fergit bout how no matter how bad thangs mite look at inny given moment, they could always be wurser on a counta lease yer still breathin thru yer nostrils. thang is, whenever i gut to follern that logick, it led me to real eyesin whut a fortune i gut n harldy notice, witch i mean all them thangs i gut on my birthday lack eyes n hands n feet n waterproof skin n a brain n more blessins than ye could ever list in jes one blog, too minny to count even ifn ye spent yer hole life a'doon it, witch taint a bad thang to do.

today the sun is up n me n miz bd is fixin to take our visters over to ride on the circle line, witch ifn yer wunderin how i'm a'doin, well, a lot depends on a lot on a counta how sumthins goin on, but i could be wurse.

weekend plans of buddy don: outta towners a'cumming to visit

me n miz bd has big plans fer the weekend. her bruther n his wife is cummin to visit, manely to see the big city fer the furst time but also to visit us. ye kin make all the plans ye lack bout the city n never git everthang dun. her bruther wonted to see a game at yankee stadium, fer instunts, but the yankees is on the road. he aint innerested in seein no mets, even ifn they are playin them phillies, witch theys my favert team. so heres sum idees of whut we gut planned.

1. we lacks to take folks to one of our favert restrunts name of vatan, witch tiz a indian restrunt that serves such good vegetaryun food that even our meat-eatin friends lacks it. so ifn possibull, we plan to take em thar, mayhap the verr furst nite.
2. gittin thar shouldnt be no problem on a counta thays these ny waterway ferry boats ye kin take to git acrosst the hudson river over into man hattan. oncet ye dun gut thar, they gut free buses to take ye most places in midtown, witch thats whut they call the parts of man hattan twixt 23rd street n the bottom of the park round 59th street, witch folks calls central park 'the park,' kindly lack the call man hattan 'the city.'
3. corse, we hopes to take em to keens chophouse whar they kin git em sum good red meat n me n miz bd kin git us sum exoticull makes of sangle malt scotch. heres a lil quote bout keens scotch colleckshun:
   

   Keens Chop House
   Steakhouse has been a fixture since 1876, when this was the Tenderloin. Noted for its collection of thousands of pipes smoked by notable customers. Also has one of the biggest selections of Scotch in Manhattan--204 varieties.

   we hope we kin have a lil scotch tastin at home, but miz bd sez they lacks to mix thangs in thar dranks n i wood hate to waste good scotch thataway. mayhap a wee dab of water fer yer dram of scotch, but innythang else is ruinin good scotch. we gut sum blends they could waste by porin in thangs lack coke ifn they wonts to.
4. we hope we kin git em to take the circle line tour, witch ye git in a boat n listn to yer guide makin jokes bout new york city while ye ride all the way round the island. we dun been on it a few times n ever time we go we larn lots of new thangs bout 'the city.'
5. we wish thay hadnt been that dispute twixt the unions n the cumpnies on broadway on a counta twuz impossibull to commit to buyin no tickets on a counta twuz feared them theaters wuz a'gone be dark. ifn we coulda dun it, we wooda seen the producers. corse, problem with that is how them tickets costs $185 each, witch thats way too rich fer our blood.
6. corse they probly plan on seein the statue of liberty, witch thays a cuple ways ye kin do that. furst, ye kin pay fer a tour. tuther way to git a purty good look at it n shoot ye sum pitchers is to take a free ride on the staten island ferry.
7. they gut plans on gittin em sum nite life, witch thats one of the mane reasons we gut kids. we figger twixt the two kids n us, they orta be able to do mos innythang thay lacks. me n miz bd aint in the habit of stayin out real late, lack past 10 pm, tho we have dun it a time or two. but them kids lacks to stay out all nite long.
8. corse, thays a slew of myou-see-ums they kin visit:
1. myou-see-um of natchrul histry
2. metropoltun myou-see-um of art
3. guggenheim
4. whitney myou-see-um of amurkin art
5. myuou-see-um of televishun n radio
6. myou-see-um of modern art
7. mta transit myou-see-um
8. new york city fire myou-see-um
9. nashunull myou-see-um of the amurkin injun
10. n minny more
9. mayhap sum musick or other events, witch ye kin figger out mos innythang thats a'goin on here.

should be fun! 

pinions of buddy don: cuple articulls that bears republicayshun

i writ thisn back on nov 14 2003. twuz titled 'pinions of buddy don: art of war.' thay wuz lanks in it, witch ye kin find them in the owe riginal

thays this book called the art of war thats thousands of years old by a riter name of sun tzu. in it he eggzamines how ye win wars n thangs to avoid to keep frum bankruptin yer folks n overstretchin yer troops n cumin home in disgrace n even losin. in it he gives lots of ways ye kin avoid disaster or on tuther hand, ways ye kin win even if the odds is stacked agin ye. tiz a innerestin read n i advise ye to follow that lank n see whut ye thank. taint long.

thays a jurnlist at the new york times name of milt bearden that read sun tzus book n then wrote a articull bout how the enemy in iraq has eethur read it or studied the way the insurgents in afghanistan beat the russians with it on a counta how thar usin them same tackticks. his articull is called "Iraqi Insurgents Take a Page From the Afghan 'Freedom Fighters'" n tiz also wurth a read. heres a few of the main points:

1. sun tzu sed ye gut to attack the enemies strategy furst thang n thats whut the iraqis dun: "So it was probably no accident that as American forces approached Baghdad, expecting tough street fighting, the bulk of the Iraqi forces melted away. The American troops, forced to shift strategy on the run, have been bedeviled by the consequences of those early chaotic days ever since."
2. next ye go after the alliances, lack the un or the red cross or the poles or the italians or the jordanians or iraqi folks that heps our side out by bein po-leece or mayors or iraqi council members.
3. thurd thang sun tzu recommends is to attack the army of the enemy, speshly ifn ye kin doot without gittin attacked back, lack usin mortars to attack hotels or stingers anti-aircraft launchers to attack helicopters n such n usin homemade bombs to take out one or two of the enemy here n thar.
4. thang bout this is ye git to attack yer enemy n make him reack in ways that makes thang wurse fer his cause on a counta tiz hard to tell who the enemy is so in lookin fer em, yer almos bound to make sum innocent folk suffer n then they turns agin ye. milt bearden points out how the afghani 'freedom fighters' (witch that wuz osama bin ladens bunch that ronald raygun hepped start up) used this tacktick: "For every mujahedeen killed or hauled off in raids by Soviet troops in Afghanistan, a revenge group of perhaps a half-dozen members of his family took up arms. Sadly, this same rule probably applies in Iraq."
5. finely, sun tzu sed ye gut to know yer enemy n know yerself. we cant ritely say we know eethur one verr well. we sartinly dint know whuther they had em them weppons of mass destruckshun (even ifn we did no bettern to use the wurds 'imminent' n 'threat' in the same sentence). we aint sartin whuter the enemy is bitter enders or al queda terrsts or saddams army or jes plane folk who hate to see thar cuntry overrun by forn troops. we dont speak thar lingo or unnerstan thar tradishuns. we dont even seem to member verr well whut the west taught em bout how to make a enemy suffer even when it has cuntrol of the place, lack lawrence of arabia dun, witch everbidy ought read his book "the seven pillars of wisdom."

thays sum bleeves saddam hussein wuz gittin reddy to fite us thisaway frum the verr beginnin. frum how he lost the war in 1991, he had dun figgered thay wuznt no way to beat us hed on. so sum thanks them iraqis stored up thar weppons n planned whar they wood hide n let us in sos they could start usin them principulls agin us. bes articull ive seen on that topick wuz in newsweek, writ by Vernon Loeb and Thomas E. Ricks, witch they even called it "Is this Saddam's counterattack?"

but wait, thars more, lack they say in them ads, on a counta whuts a'goin on in pakistan, whar ye mite member thay gut em a guy name of Pervez Musharraf as presdint, witch ye mite member hes one of them folks that bush dint know the name of whenever he wuz given that unfair pop quiz by the reporter when he wuz runnin his camp pain fer presdint (i mean, why should the presdint have to know bout such folk?). ye mite member how he sed twuz sumbidy who had dun brought stabilty to the subcontinet. not by usin democracy, witch thats the latest reasun fer why were a'doin whut were a'doin, but on violence on a counta how Pervez Musharraf tuck cuntrol of the cuntry by usin a miltary coup. so whut could he but up to now?

thays a articull that purty much tries to splain whuts a'goin on over thar in the daily times, a new voice for pakistan, witch the articull is called "Pakistan has legions of Bin Laden followers." dont read thisn ifn ye scare easy on a counta it tells how thangs is fallen apart over thar. the articull starts off with a quote frum our own cato institute: "'In Pakistan, there are legions of bin Ladin followers, plenty of links between government officials and terrorists and nuclear weapons that could fall into the hands of anti-American terrorists. This is not speculation,' according to Leon Hadar, a research fellow at the right-wing think tank the Cato Institute." these cato institute folks thanks pakistan is whar the real ackshun in terrism is, not iraq. tiz sum scary stuff.

aint no doubt that we gut the edge in the science of war. questchun is whuther the science of war kin beat the art of war.

thisn heres tuthern that seems to apply even today. i writ thisn back on dec 1 2003. twuz titled 'pinions of buddy don: ye cant win harts n minds with bullets.' agin, to git all the lanks, check the owe riginal.

i wish i could find the quotayshun whar sumbidy wuz arguin that ye kin establish democracy with a gun. i thank twuz in the washington post, but i cant find it nohow. the riter pointed out how thay had dun been a few democracies made thataway. a cuple he menchuned wuz the american revolution n the french revolution.

but thatn dont wurk fer whuts a'goin on in iraq, witch thats whut the riter wuz trine to say, that ye could make a democracy usin a gun. problem with his eggzamples is that the holders of the guns wuz the folks who wuz fitin fer thar own democracy. twuz the insurgents in the fite, not the big powers, be they the british or the french monarchy. tiz us in iraq.

the history of the worl shows ye that it takes a folk makin thar own cuntry to git ye a democracy out of it. n that means that the folks has to git it into thar own harts n minds that democracy is whut they wont. ifn they dont wont it, then ye cant enforce it on a counta ye wood be voted out furst time they tuck a vote.

so whuther we lack it or not, whut we half to do ifn we wont democracy overn iraq (or innywhar) is to cunvints folks to wont it fer thar ownself. ye gut to win thar harts n minds. taint easy.

take whut's a'goin on over in iraq right now. furst, we had to close one of thar media outlets, al arabiya, on a counta how twuz broadcastin saddam hussein. in its place we dun put up a stayshun or our own name of al iraqiya. thang is, folks in iraq druther here al arabiya than al iraqiya.

problem fer us is were in a fite we dont hardly know how to win. these is just my pinions, so ye kin ignore em all:

1. folks livin in iraq aint used to democracy n dont hardly wont it
2. ifn ye could give democracy out to folks in iraq, its hard to bleeve they wood vote the way we wont em to
3. folks livin in the arab worl larnt how to fite asymetrickull battles frum lawrence of arabia n they been a'usin it ever since (have ye dun red t. e. lawrences seven pillars of wisdom? do ye wonta unnerstand whut's a'gone on over thar? then ye gut to read it! the movie aint near as good as the book fer this kinda thang)
4. folks livin the arab worl have been wontin n havin theocracy in sted of democracy most of thar histries.
5. thays folks over here that seems to wonta make us a theocracy in sted of a democracy
6. ifn folks over here, whar we gut us a form of republican democracy, kin wonta a theocracy, it shouldnt cum as a sprize that folks wonta keep the theocracies they dun gut or could git back
7. granted, iraq wuz a secular muslim nayshun, n thats whut we wont it to be, but thays minny folk over thar that never wonted it to be secular
8. member that the main thang saddam n osama couldnt agree on whuz whuther to have theocracy or a secular gummint
9. mos everthang we kin do with our power is a'gone hep tuther side make its points agin us

corse, ifn we cant win the harts n minds over here, whut kin we speck frum our efforts over thar? we wuz set on gittin osama, dead or alive. whutever becum of him? we wuz a'gone smoke him out frum whutever hole he wuz in. he wuz publick enemy number 1 with a bullet. now hes a forgotten man livin in pakistan or afghanistan, sumwhars whar we aint gut a nuff troops to ketch him.

did sumbidy use weppons of mass distrackshun on us?

i luv my cuntry the way i luv my son. ifn he wuz to tell me he wuz gittin reddy to do sumthin stoopid, lack try smokin crack, i wood criticize him. i wood try to stop him. i wood have a march on his home if i thought it wood wurk. fack is, i wood do everthang i could to git him to stop. i wood not be anti-son fer doin so. ifn he persisted in takin the rong path, i couldnt pertend its rite jes to show him my support. i wood half to tell him the truth.

same applies to my cuntry. twuz a miss take to git distrackted frum gittin osama. period. ifn we dont stick with doin whut we say were a'gone do, then aint nobidy gonna take us serious.

n ifn ye aint tuck serious, ye dont win harts n minds. fack is, ye kin only win harts with luv n minds with better idees. bullets dont fit neethur deescriptshun.

life of buddy don, chaptur 122: how the group wuz born

ye mite could thank that whenever we started the group, the idee had sumthin to do with wontin to rite grate literatchur, witch that wuz shorely part of it. but whut gut it a'goin wuz cumpletely differnt.

fer one thang, twuz near the end of the sprang quarter of 1981 when the idee sorta more or less happend. thay wuz a feller thar name of henry mouffette, witch everbidy calld im hank. he wuz in our class even tho i hadnt never noticed him much. fack is, i wuz so busy with my own lil worl of wurk n cuncerns that i dint hardly know innybidy in our class.

twuznt as if i dint have plenty to wurry bout. fer one thang, eli wuz goin thru a verr ruff patch to whar he gut put into the v.a. hospitull in johnson city on a counta how he wuz a threat to his ownself n mayhap a danger tuthers too. he had gut in a habit of abusin his medicayshun by takin too much of it whenever he furst gut his munths supply n then washin it down with beer. that wood git him to black out n durin a blackout, he mite do innythang, includin jumpin off of buildins, witch he wuz lucky thay wuznt no hi buildins in oak ridge that he could git up on. wurse he ever gut was a spraind ankle, but twuz pure luck.

whut wuz more wurry sum wuz how he wood splain to daddy bout wontin to stab him to death. he woodnt say he wuz a'gone doot, but he wood splain how he sumtimes lay in bed n couldnt git the thought of goin upstairs to git a knife sos he could attack daddy in his sleep. daddy ackted lack it dint wurry him nun, but twernt so. ye caint say it dont matter whenever one of yer own children is splainin how they wonta kill ye. ye could tell daddy wuznt sleepin too well on a counta he wuz even grumpier than usual n he had big black circles under his eyes.

thang wuz, eli hadnt never been no more productive as far as ritin wuz concernd. he dint study it much, ceptin to read rimbaud n baudelaire in translation. then he wood sit down at a typeriter n git to typin out poems. he woodnt edit nuthin n however they cum out the furst time, that wuz jes how they wuz a'gone stay. i wood visit ever now n agin, witch ifn he wuz in the rite mood, he mite read me a few of em. it tuck years befor he wood let me make inny copies of em, witch i wuz afraid he mite destroy em all durin one of his fits or blackouts. far as i could tell, they wuz bettern inny ritin by innybidy i knew, even my own (hurts to rite it, but tiz the truth).

not only that, but he had writ im a short wurk name of 'the killing' that he sed wuz a novel even tho twuz only bout 40 pages long, he let me read it, witch furst thang i dun wuz make a copy, even tho i had to lie bout it. he tole me i couldnt make no copy of it, but i figgerd he wood be happy ifn he lost thonly copy n i cum up with a nuther fer im. twuz short but packed with idees n verr poeticull. i red it over n over agin n whut gut me bout it wuz how even ifn twuz so short, seem lack it left ye with the feelin ye had red a long novel coverin mos everthang bout life n death, speshly death. i mentchuned his novel to one of my professers, witch he wonted to read it, but that made eli so mad he sed he dint wont nuthin else to do with me. he gut over it purty quick. he dint know i had a copy n i ast im how could i show sumthin to innybidy without him knowin bout it since he had thonly copy.

whenever it cum time to drive im up to the v.a. hospitull, mama ast me wood i go long, witch ye caint leeve mama n eli together too much on a counta thar kindly lack vinegar n bakin soda. once i agreed, she wunderd ifn i could take im without her a'goin. corse i wood, even ifn i felt kindly lack a traiter to my own bruther. i knew he had to go n knew twood be bes for im, but whenever it cums time to lead the victim to the slaughter, or the payshunt to his hospitull whar he is a'gone be locked up till who knows when, well, tiz hard not to thank of yerself as the traiter.

twernt thonly wurry i had. thay wuz the stress n wurry of livin with emily. i used to joke that she could wurry in the abstrack, witch i sed ifn she gut to the point to whar she couldnt thank of nuthin to wurry bout, she wood wurry bout how thay mus be sumthin big she wuz a'missin. it dint seem possibull to her thay wuznt no wurry ye needed to wrinkle yer brow bout, n ifn she couldnt cum up with one, that wood wurry her.

sides that, twuz hard to perdick whut she mite do frum one time to the nex. i dun mentchuned bout how she lacked to wear nuthin but blue jeans n flannel shirts with earth shoes n knee socks. at best whenever we wuz havin sex, she wood wear jes the flannel shirt n knee socks. i ast her ever so often ifn she dint wonta wear sumthin else, jes fer variety, but that made her mad, as ifn i wuz astin her to pertend to be sumbidy else. but she made sum friends in the histry department n a frien in the buildin. n she gut to be purty good friens with liza.

i caint swear toot, but it seems lack one or tuther of them new friens talked her into thangs i couldnt git her to do, witch one saturdy she ast me could she tie me up to the bed. i ast her to splain whut she meant, but she jes ast could i take my cloze off n jes doot? so i dun it n wuz i ever sprized when she cum out of the bathroom a'wearin her one pink dress n nuthin else. twuz one of them verr intense eggsperientses to whar ye couldnt hardly bleev twuz happenin. we bof enjoyed it a lot, but whenever i ast her whar she gut the idee fer such a stunt, she sed i should know. twuz the kinda thang that mite wurry a bidy, witch i dint learn fer a long while who give her the idee. but i found myself wurryin over it moren i orta dun, witch i wood ast myself ifn i wuznt gittin to be as much of a wurry wart as she wuz.

a nuther thang the botherd me a lot wuz how i wuz so busy with skool wurk that i couldnt hardly git no ritin dun, speshly since i dint count papers fer innythang. twuz with dismay i red the comments on one of my papers whar the perfesser rote how the paper wuz reddy fer publicayshun with a bit of editin. he stopped me after the class wuz over n sed i could make a career as a literary skolar n he wonted to hep me git into a good skool fer my docterut. twuznt whut i wonted to here n fer sum reason it brung me way down. i hated to thank i dint have no talent fer fickshun n mite end up jes a nuther skolar who filld up the world with secundary sources.

i wood try to rite mos everday n that led to a nuther annoyance, witch that wood be bud rankin. he wuz in one of my classes on amurkin literchur n he seemd to have a sixth sense bout whar i wuz a'gone go to rite. twood be mos annoyin how he wood innerupt me n git to talkin his pompus bullshit, witch twuz all he seemed to have to say far as i could tell. tiz a shame to say how he wood git me to quit ritin by astin did i wonta 'burn one,' witch meant smoke a joint. since i dint have no conneckshun n purty much never had much of theevil weed, i wood lack as not go along with im. he splained to me one time how he had furst gut hi whenever he wuz fifteen years ole n he luved it so much he vowed he wood try to be hi ever wakin moment of his life. i dint respeck that, but i wuznt standin on solid groun to criticize him. i did figger him bein hi all the time splaind how he wuz such a bullshitter.

mane thang i wonted to do wuz find a place i could rite whar he woodnt show up, but twuznt as easy as ye mite thank. i lacked ritin up in mcclung tower, but he spotted that purty quick. so i moved to smokeys, but thatn wuz easy fer im to figger. so i tride the undergraduwait liberry, witch i lacked sittin at the long tables near the unabridged dickshunairies. but once he spotted me thar, seemed lack i couldnt barely git my notebook open till he wuz sittin nearby. same wuz true of the graduwait liberry, witch i probably coulda hid in a carrel, but i lacked bein out whar i could see folks cummin n goin. so he wood find me n direckly a nuff, he wood make the sign of gittin hi by pertendin to take a toke with no joint. i hate to add mitt the truth, but i wuz so dishonest with my ownself that i wood blame him whenever i agreed to take a walk roun campus n burn the joint. i dint never rite much after smokin, so twuz the waste of a chants to rite.

innywho, twuz the end of the quarter n i had jes gone by the english department to check my box fer mail n to see how my grades cum out, witch they wuz all a marks. twuz nice to be dun with the quarter n ye mite thank i wooda been happy bout my grades, but twuz mosly relief i felt on a counta i wuz spoiled by gittin good grades to whar thonly thang i felt wuz relief that i hadnt muffed the quarter lack i dun in the fall when i gut a b+ in a shakespeare class.

whenever i gut on the elevator, henry mouffette gut on after me n we gut to talkin bout how the year had gone n whut he wuz a'plannin on doon fer the summer, witch me n emily wuz a'gone take sum classes. he figgerd he wood hang round knoxvull n try to git im a job. i kindly hinted roun bout how i wished i knew whar i could git hi n he sed he wuz bout to buy a bag offn his conneckshun. i ast him wood he innerduce me, witch he laffd bout that n sed why not. as we wuz walkin, i kep specktin him to turn off to hed fer his place, but he never dun it till we cum to the door of the laurel marrd students apartments, witch turnt out he lived thar too even tho he wernt marrd.

ye mite could thank twuz jes a lil coincidents we shoulda dun noticed, but to hank twuz a sign of sum kind. i ast him whut could the sign mean, n he sed twuz fated by god n we wuz spozed to start a literary movement. i laffed n sed i dint thank we had us a flossofy bout ritin nor nuthin that wood lead to a movement. he ast me to cum up to his place n i wuz bout to say i had thangs to do whenever he sed his conneckshun wuz cummin by. so i sed i dint know ifn we could start a movement or not, but mayhap we should talk it over. so i went up to his place, hopin to git hi n mayhap meet his conneckshun n score a lil weed.

we gut to talkin bout all kinda thangs n then cum back round to the literary movement he wuz a'wontin to start. i tole him i dint know bout startin no literary movement, but whut ifn we wuz to git a group of riters goin whar we wood jes read our wurk fer each other. it could give us a audience to listen n maybe we wood rite more. he figgerd twuz brillyunt n sed so, but befor we could make a plan, his doorbell rung n in cum hi conneckshun.

twuz bud rankin. i felt almos lack i had dun been betrayd, but i dint say nuthin. long story short, bud gut in on the plannin n even tho he couldnt cum to the furst meetin, he wuz one of the folks that started the group. thay wuznt no way i could say i dint wont him to cum, so we had one meetin without im, n frum then on, he cum to ever meetin.

furst meetin wuznt hardly nuthin. only four folks cum, witch thay wuz me n hank n a woman who sed she wuz a poet but she dint have nuthin to read and a fella who sed he woodnt be able to cum to no more meetins but wishd he lived in knoxvull. twuznt much of a meetin n the nextn wuz even wurse. hank only had the one poem to read, so he read it agin. bud cum n red sumthin i couldnt make no sense out of. twuz embarrassin to sit thru. not only that, but emily dint wonta cum to no meetins lack that so she wood spend the evenin with one of her friends frum the histry department or with liza or whoever. by the thurd meetin, i wuz bout reddy to give it up, but thay wuz three new members that made thangs gel, so to speak.

the furst two wuz a marrd cuple. the husbin, a feller by the name of billy stewart, tole us all how he wuz proud to be a new york jew, witch twernt a claim ye eggspeckted to hear frum nobidy in knoxvull. his wife rolld her eyes whenever he sed that. her name wuz lauren n she wuz a poet. turnt out she wuz verr good, but at furst, she woodnt read much of nuthin. tuther feller wuz also in our class even ifn i hadnt never noticed im. his name wuz joseph cooper n he red us one of the funniest stories we ever herd. fack is, the furst two meetins i wuz the mane reader n dint seem to me lack thay wuz a nuther riter in the group. we wuz all trine to be verr seryas. but joe changed all that by readin one funny story after a nuthern.

but befor we gut thar, i wuz bout to quit on a counta it dint seem lack nobidy wuz willin to criticize nuthin. hank wuz all enthusiastick bout innythang sumbidy had writ. he even acted lack he could make sense of bud's ritin, witch bud wuz frum mississippi n hadnt quit trine to be faulkner. i member the moment when i knew we mite have a purty good group. bud wuz readin furst, witch he lacked to do that. twuz a story so awful i couldnt tell much of nuthin bout whut wuz a'goin on. twuz deadly quite whenever he finishd. finely billy spoke up n splaind how he wuznt able to git up on our hi literary level on a counta he wuz a salesman n hadnt studied literchur. but even so, he sed he lacked stories whar ye could tell who wuz the hero, what happend, n whar the hole thang tuck place. he sed this in the silents after bud had dun red. then he turnt to bud n pall gized fer not bein able to unnerstand his ritin.

everbidy laffed, even bud. we had us a verr good critick, witch we really needed sumbidy who could say thangs lack he dun without makin folks mad. so with that one comment, the group wuz born.

lost morning of buddy don: readin too minny papers

i dun wasted my mornin readin n ritin other thangs, witch i aint hardly gut time fer bloggin. so heres a few quick hits:

1. janet dagley dagley covers an event that proovs how thangs aint so partisan n bad now as they once wuz. shore, tiz sumthin when the vice presdent sez "Go fuck yourself!" on the floor of the senate, but tiz even wurser to have a duel whar the vp kills the secertary of the treashury


2. oldcatman's gut his latest up, witch its a history of the hole worl accordin to him n twill make ye laff. catch it while ye kin.


3. did ye ever take any illicit drugs? now that ye gut kids, whut are ye a'gone do? grate articull in salon eggzamines this, but ye gut to be registerd to read it n taint free tho tiz wurth it.


4. sumhow u.s. news gut all them classifide annexes frum the taguba report on abu ghraib. heres a few samples:
   

   Daily life at Abu Ghraib, the documents show, included riots, prisoner escapes, shootings, corrupt Iraqi guards, filthy conditions, sexual misbehavior, bug-infested food, prisoner beatings and humiliations, and almost-daily mortar shellings from Iraqi insurgents. Troubles inside the prison were made worse still by a military command structure that was hopelessly broken . . .
   
   Another classified annex reported that the prison complex was seriously overcrowded, with detainees often held for months without ever being interrogated. Detainees walked around in knee-deep mud, "defecating and urinating all over the compounds," said Capt. James Jones, commander of the 229th MP Battalion. "I don't know how there's not rioting every day," he testified . . .
   
   Among the more shocking exchanges revealed in the Taguba classified annexes are a series of E-mails sent by Major David Dinenna of the 320th MP Battalion. The E-mails, sent in October and November to Major William Green of the 800th MP Brigade, and copied to the higher chain of command, show a quixotic attempt to simply get the detainees at Abu Graib edible food. Dinenna pressed repeatedly for food that wouldn�t make prisoners vomit. He criticized the private food contractor for shorting the facility on hundreds of meals a day, and for providing food containing bugs, rats, and dirt.
   
   "As each day goes by tension within the prison population increases," Dinenna wrote. "...Simple fixes, food, would help tremendously." Instead of getting help, Major Green scolded him. "Who is making the charges that there is dirt, bugs or what ever in the food?," Major Green replied in an E-mail. "If it is the prisoners I would take it with a grain of salt." Dinenna shot back: "Our MPs, Medics and field surgeon can easily identify bugs, rats, and dirt, and they did." Ultimately, the food contract was not renewed, an Army spokeswoman says, although the contractor holds other contracts with the military.



5. finely, thars that leaked list of whut folks wurkin in the bush administrayshun makes, witch mane thang i wunder is why wood innybidy go thru all the grief n criticism fer purty puny wages cumpard to folks in private bizness.

pinions of buddy don: iraq is our maginot line

i reckon mos everbidy members how after the furst worl war, them french built em a perteckshun agin them germans. they figgerd ifn twuz to be a new war, them germans wood have to fite it the same ole way by linin up agin them french in thar trenches n shoot at each other till sumbidy run out of bullets. twuz usin the method of the las war to fite the nextn. mos folks probly member how them german jes went round that maginot line n tuck over the cuntry in under a cuple munths.

seems lack we're doin purty much the same thang in iraq. i aint sayin i dun cornerd the logick on thisn, but heres how it seems:

1. al qaeda attacks us usin 15 saudi arabians, 1 egyptian, 1 citizen of the united arab emirates, 1 lebanese n 1 yemeni with financin that cum mainly frum saudi arabia.


2. everbidy agrees that osama bin laden n al qaeda masterminded the plot, carrd it out, n claimed responsibilty fer it


3. we invade afghanistan to git after them taliban that wuz givin osama 'sankchewary' but we dont put in a nuff troops to git osama n fack is, fer sum reason, we delegated the job of gittin osama to them warlords, witch far as we kin tell, they hepped him git away


4. before the secunt iraq war, hans blix n scott ritter n millyuns of marchers around the worl bleeved (a) thay wuznt weppons of mass destruckshun in iraq n (b) thay wuzn no real conneckshun twixt saddam n osama (fack is, thisn has been anal-eyes'd a lot on a counta the same charges of secularism n corruption n infidel-hood wuz used by osama agin us n agin saddam as if thay wuznt much differnts twixt us n iraq under saddam, witch thay wuz a big differnts, but not to osama's logick)


5. we invade iraq, find no weppons, find no real relayshunship twixt al qaeda n saddam, witch innybidy who tuck the time to study whut osama wuz advocatin wood know that them two woodnt wurk together lessn they wuz attacked by the same enemy, witch it looks lack they been wurkin together ever since we invaded iraq


6. now our armed forces is way over-estended, much moren mr. bush wuz wurried bout durin the debates leadin to his minorty presidency (since the majority of folks ackshly voted fer gore, bush is one of them rare minorty presdents)


7. fack is, a look at the publican platform fer the eleckshun of 2000 shows that saddam wuz a target befor the attack ever tuck place. in fack, heres sum innerestin planks frum that verr platform:


1. furst, they accused the clinton admin of bein arrogant: "The arrogance, inconsistency, and unreliability of the administration's diplomacy have undermined American alliances, alienated friends, and emboldened our adversaries."


2. they gut on clinton fer not bleevin ahmad chalabi n his Iraqi National Congress, witch seems lack chalabi wuznt the bes guy to do bizness with now.


3. they claimed rite in thar platform that removal of saddam hussein wuz essenchul fer middle east peace, only they had em a differnt plan fer goin after it compard to the one they used: "A new Republican administration will patiently rebuild an international coalition opposed to Saddam Hussein and committed to joint action. We will insist that Iraq comply fully with its disarmament commitments. We will maintain the sanctions on the Iraqi regime while seeking to alleviate the suffering of innocent Iraqi people. We will react forcefully and unequivocally to any evidence of reconstituted Iraqi capabilities for producing weapons of mass destruction."


4. they claimd twuz clintons fault fer us not bein lacked by folks in the middle east n fer high gas prices. but then thar's this note frum Reuters on 4/20/2004: "Arabs in the Middle East hate the United States more than ever. . . ‘Today there is hatred of the Americans like never before in the region,’ [Mubarak, Egyptian presdint] said."


5. them publicans also sed they wood respeck the intelligents servuses: "Nor should the intelligence community be made the scapegoat for political misjudgments. A Republican administration working with the Congress will respect the needs and quiet sacrifices of these public servants as it strengthens America’s intelligence and counter-intelligence capabilities and reorients them toward the dangers of the future." i reckon they dint cunsidder ms plame part of that servus. also, dont this make it hard to use that senate report to claim twuz all the fault of the cia?


6. they accused clinton of over-extendin the troops by how he wuz deployin em, witch thatn seems hard to bleeve in this age of callin up retired reserves, stop-loss orders, servus extensions, back to back tours, cuts in benefits, attempted lowerin of combat pay, shortage of gear, etc. but here's whut it sez rite in thar platform: "When presidents fail to make hard choices, those who serve must make them instead. Soldiers must choose whether to stay with their families or to stay in the armed forces at all. Sending our military on vague, aimless, and endless missions rapidly saps morale. Even the highest morale is eventually undermined by back-to-back deployments, poor pay, shortages of spare parts and equipment, inadequate training, and rapidly declining readiness."


8. now our military is over-extended to whar twood be hard to know whut to do ifn north korea wuz to invade south korea or ifn india n pakistan gut into it, or ifn mainland china deecided to take taiwan.


9. mos importunt, with our forces hunkerd down in thar maginot line of iraq, al qaeda (the real enemies) is wurkin with iraqis who hate us. thar gittin recruits frum all over. sum of em mite be attackin us in iraq, even though it seems we aint capchurin much in the way of forn prisoners, the insurgency is biggern we thought twuz, closer to 20,000 than to 5,000


10. meanwhile, our ports n other infrastruckchur is so badly perteckted that we git them warnins that thar bout to attack us only we dont know whar, when, how. wurst, we don't seem to know or wonta know the real reason why. fer all we know, they could try to disrupt our eleckshuns!

aint it nice to know we gut us a plan in place fer how we kin cancel them eleckshuns, jes in case? corse, we wont have to wurry bout that, will we? we gut our troops dug in along the maginot line of the 'central frunt' of terror. aint no way our enemies could git past em, huh?

pinions of buddy don: favert sangle malts

cums a time when ye orta name yer favert sangle malts, witch me n miz bd has been testin as minny of em as we could since eric over frum straight white guy hepped us git started. up to now, i aint cum rite out n pickt no faverts, tho i dun blogd on the subeck minny a time:

furst taste of sangle malt -- talisker
short ledaig revu
bowmore revu
linkwood revu
pitcher of ardbeg
stakin out keens steakhouse
the keens scotch tastin
notes n obsruvayshuns on the keens scotch tastin

so the time has cum to make a list of our faverts, witch me n miz bd couldnt settle on jes one.

furst it mite hep ye ifn i splaind whut we lacks in our sangle malts. mayhap on a counta how we gut to lackin em together, me n miz bd has purt near the eggzack same taste, so i'm a'speakin on behalf of bofus. as them lanks splains, we gut started with talisker 15 year. tiz frum the isle of skye n i reckon it dun set the taste of whut we figgerd sangle malt orta be lack. tiz a peaty one with a hint of iodine, dee liteful flaver n smoky afterbite. tiz the one that gut us to fall in luv with sangle malt scotch, witch miz bd never much keerd fer whisky till now.

innywho, we lacked thatn so much that we wood buy us a differnt bottle mos ever weekend n sampull it n compar notes n all till we had tried, either at home or out at sum place lack keens steakhouse a slew of em. tiz one of the add vantages of livin near 'the city,' witch thats whut folks roun here calls man hattan.

so heres a list of everone we had the good fortchun to try:

1. Aberlour 10 Years Old
2. Aberlour 15 Years Old
3. Ardbeg Aged 10 Years
4. The Balvenie Aged 15 Years Single Barrell
5. The Balvenie Aged 15 Years Cask Strength
6. Bowmore 12 Years Old
7. Bowmore 15 Years Old
8. Bowmore 17 Years Old
9. Bunnahabhain Aged 12 Years
10. Craggenmore 12 Years Old
11. Dalwhinnie 15 Years Old
12. Glenfarclas 17 Years Old
13. Glenfiddich Special Reserve
14. Glenfiddich 18 Years Old
15. Glen Garioch 10 Years Old
16. Glenkinchie 10 Years Old
17. The Glenlivet Aged 12 Years
18. The Glenlivet 18 Years Old
19. Glenmorangie 12 Years Old
20. Glenmorangie 18 Years Old
21. Highland Park Aged 18 Years
22. Isle of Jura Aged 36 Years
23. Lagavulin Aged 16 Years
24. Laphroig 10 Years Old
25. Lafroig Aged 15 yers
26. Ledaig Aged 15 Years
27. Signatory Decanter Collection Linkwood 1987
28. Macallan 12 Years Old
29. Macallan 18 Years Old
30. Speyburn 10 Years Old
31. Talisker 10 Years Ole
32. Tobermory Aged 10 Years
33. Mackillop's Choice: Inverleven Aged 13 Years

corse thays a few others we mite coulda tride along the way, but thems the ones i kin be shore bout. innywho, our taste runs to the peatier ones in the bunch. we dont much lack em sweet, n we lack em to have sum care ackter to em. so we aint all that crazy bout macallan 12 or the glenlivet 12 even ifn thar worl famus n sum of the mos poplar. we have a sentimentul attachment to glenkinchie 10 on a counta tiz a edinburgh lowland malt, witch we gut marrd in edinburgh n tiz the mos magickull place i ever been. so now that ye herd bout our taste, heres the list of our faverts.

oh, furst thays a nuther thang i should mentchun, witch tiz this here book name of The Whiskey Bible 2004 by a feller name of Jim Murray. it gives ye a lil ratin of mos every whisky ye kin magine, over 2,000 of em. so i'm a'gone quote his ratins on each of our faverts, witch we dont always agree with him. one thang that sprizes me is how minny times he ranks the 10 year over the 15 or 18 of a given scotch. far as we kin tell, hes purt accurate. his rankins is based on four thangs he rates on a scale of up to 25 fer the bes. the four thangs is (1) nose, (2) taste, (3) finish, n (4) balance. ye add em up to git yer ratin. he dont rank nun of em a purrfeck 100.

1. Lagavulin Aged 16 Years — we aint had thisn cept at the tastin at keens n then one evenin after we had visited the payshunt, but twuz lack drankin liquid relaxayshun with a hint of happiness blended in, as close to purrfeck as we thank ye kin git, jes bout. Jim Murrays ratins: 88 = 23 (nose) + 22 (taste) + 21 (finish) + 22 (balance)


2. Laphroig 10 Years Old — thisns the best bargun we dun found of all of em. we gut our las bottle fer $27.99 over at warehouse wines n spirits, witch thats down in the village on broadway twixt 7th n 8th streets. tiz peaty. tiz lack medicine. seems almost lack it has time-released taste budlets in it sum kinda way whar hours later ye git a hint of that speshul taste. Jim Murrays ratins: 90 = 24 (nose) + 23 (taste) + 21 (finish) + 22 (balance)


3. Glenmorangie 18 Years Old — miz bd won a bottle of thisn at the sangle malt scotch tastin at keens steakhouse, witch we aint opened that bottle yet n mite never doot on a counta tiz wurth $100, but we did have it at the tastin n twuz amazin. taint as peaty as we generly lack, but it has such a complex amalgamayshun of tastes, such sublty n balance that tiz hard to dee scribe. twuz the kind whar after ye had ye a sip, ye wood have that kinda taste in yer mouth whar ye wonta git a nuther sip n try to figger how it duz its magick, witch we aint figgerd it out yet. Jim Murray's ratins: 87 = 23 (nose) + 22 (taste) + 21 (finish) + 21 (balance)


4. Talisker 10 Years Old -- thisns still a sentimentull favert on a counta it bein the furstn we tride. tiz practicully purrfeck. taint so eggspensive lack #3 or #1, but it never fails to satisfy. thang i lack bes bout it is how whenever miz bd has her a lil, she gits to wontin to pick on a guitar, witch it has the same effeck on me. Jim Murray's ratins: 86 = 22 (nose) + 22 (taste) + 21 (finish) + 22 (balance)


5. Ledaig Aged 15 Years -- ledaigs a nuther that seems near purrfeck to me in nose n taste n finish n balance, but bes thang bout thisn is the effeck it has, witch quick as we have us sum, seems lack me n miz bd gits to sparkin. nuff sed. Jim Murray's ratins: 90 = 23 (nose) + 23 (taste) + 22 (finish) + 22 (balance)

thays a passel of otherns thats wonderful n fack is, aint a one of em bad. in the bargun makes, thars glen garioch 10 n speyburn 10 n bowmore 12, witch thays all ok. bes bargun of all is the laphroig 10. we had sum of the isle of jura aged 36 years at keens with our irish friend n twuz probably the bes of em all, but a bottle costs a few hunderd dollars, so it dont make the list. heres sum otherns thats verr fine: ardbeg 10 year (verr peaty), glenmorangie 10 (second bes bargun), n glenfiddich speshul reserve (thurd bes bargun).

thems my pinions at the moment but since thays hunderds we aint tride yet, tiz lackly thays a'gone change.

ye mite could hep by sharin yer idees, so why dont ye let yer pinions on sangle malt be known -- make a comment n tell us witchns ye lack the bes.

quick notes of buddy don: trial lawyers to farmasuiticulls to sangle malt

twuz innerestin to here how them publicans wuz attackin john edwards on a counta his bein a trial lawyer with lil eggsperients. tiz a shockin thang to say for the party of lincoln.

wood thar be a invesitgayshun ifn the dimcrats wuz in cuntrol of congress?

academicks, NIH, n small biotechs duz the research . . . thar profits is 17% but spendin on research aint but 11% while marketin n administrashun is 36%. mayhap thats why we passd a medicare bill to hep these folks.

whars the gratest good for the gratest number, health or wealth?

furst twuz them bitter-enders. then twuz forn fiters befor it turnt out not to be em. now tiz sunnis n larger than we had thunk?

ifn yer afraid of ghosts, dont go to the hell bus.

finely, ifn ye dont lack to laff, dont got to oldcatmans. speshly not now on a counta how hes rerunnin one of his classicks.

tiz fridy. i bleeve miz bd has picked out lafroig 10 year as the scotch fer the weekend. tiz a grate scotch at a fine price. tiz bettern the lafroig 15 year in my pinion. ye mite wonta try ye sum. we wuz lucky tuther day to find a new place name of warehouse wines n spirits (they aint gut no website!). they wuz sellin lafroig 10 year fer under $30, witch we dint have no choice but to buy us sum.

aint life grand?

grate job of buddy don: cumpny that sponsors volunteerin

in the countin yer blessin deparment, i gut to put my job near to top. taint everbidy that even lacks wurk n i kin be as lazy as the nextn, but ifn the wurk is good n yer cumpny treats ye rite, then seems to me lack thay aint no cumplaints. tiz a blessin ye orta count ever now n agin.

i caint mentchun witchn i wurk fer, but tiz what they call a wall street firm, witch let me jes call it bes bank. i dun wurked up n down 'the street' at severul of the wall street firms n the one i wurk at is by far the bes. fer eggzample, since wall street is a verr small worl, ye caint hep but run into folks in one place that ye wurked with in a nuther. so whenever i started wurkin at this particlar cumpny, i found thay wuz a slew of folk frum a nuther cumpny whar i wurked minny a year, witch let me call thatn hartless bank. once i gut to wurkin at bes bank, whenever i mite run into sumbidy i had met at hartless bank, twood be common fer em to say, 'Isn't this a great firm?'

but that aint all. i spoke to one tuther day, witch i had gut to know im back at tuther firm whenever he wuz jes a furst year 'associate.' he gut to talkin bout whut a grate firm tiz whar we're a'wurkin n i agreed. then he give me a eggzample bout how much they keer fer thar folk. he splaind bout how his furst year at the cumpny, he figgerd he was hedded fer a grate bonus on a counta how he had 'generated a lot of revenue.' then they cum to the annual review process n wuz he ever sprized. he wuz criticized fer treatin his folks lack dirt. message wuz how it dint matter that he generated a lot of revenue ifn he dint treat folks rite, speshly them that wuz a'wurkin fer im. he laffed bout it n pointed out how twuz eggspeckted at hartless bank. he sed his bonus wuznt whut he hoped fer, but whut impressd me wuz how he sed he figgerd twuz better to know yer wurkin at a place that keers fer the individual than to git a big bonus fer wurkin in a hartless place.

so twoodnt be much of a sprize to larn that bes bank is a big sporter of volunteerin. twuz so odd a thang that my furst year thar, i dint do much of it, figgern i had to git my wurk dun n twoodnt look good ifn i wuz off paintin skools or whatever on cumpny time. wuz i ever rong!

so i figgerd i wood volunteer agin, this time fer heppin out with the po leece athletick league summer baseball progrum. turnt out yesterday wuz the furst day n i couldnt hardly bleeve it when twuz time to walk over to the park at 9:45 AM n play with them kids till noon n then hep feed em pizza. in sted, my boss's boss saw me leevin n give me the big thumbs up. i cum back with dust on my shoes n pants n wearin the tee shirt n hat they give us. my boss laffd n ast could he git one, witch he has to volunteer to git one. i gut to wurkin at my desk, lettin tuther volunteers know they could cum git thar shurts n hats fer when twuz thar turn. my boss saw me n ast wuznt i a'gone change back into my dress shirt, witch i tole him soons i finished the email i wuz a'ritin, i wood go wash up n change. but my boss's boss cum by n sed he thought i should wear the shirt all day, witch i dint do that on a counta i had dun promissd my boss.

but i hope ye git the idee. bes bank is a grate cumpny to wurk fer n today i am a'countin my blessins fer havin such a good job.

pinions of buddy don: jurnlists should let thar pinions be known

so happens that miz bd is a jurnlist that started wurkin back in the early 1970s, whenever she wuz jes a pup. twuz her furst job but i reckun she wuz a born jurnlist. i never met nobidy in my hole life who had to know whut wuz a'goin on at inny given instunt moren she duz. ifn thars a sigh-reen a crine out in the nite, miz bd is lack as not to git up n see is it sumthin we needs to wurry bout.

whenever she wuz a'gettin her start as a jurnlist, she had lots of thangs to larn, witch she dun her larnin on the job, ritin with a byline at the age of 18 n larnin everthang by doon it. thangs she thought wuz sacred included (1) havin at lease three sorces fer inny claim, (2) keepin yer own bias outta the story, (3) puttin the parts that could be cut off frum the story near the end, (4) makin shore ye give credit to yer sorces or tuther articulls on the same subjects, (5) unnerstandin whut the publisher or editor in chief is willin to print n (6) not stealin copyrited material in genrul (witch thats the main crime of the blogosphere far as i kind see).

innywho, she sorta gut herself outta the strate jurnlist biz whenever she figgerd that item number 2 wuznt truly possbull. ye kin pertend ye aint thar, that all yer doon is presentin the unvarnisht facks, but ye caint git away frum whut ye bleeve is importunt. mos of all, ye caint publish innythang that goes agin whut yer publisher or editor in chief allows. after all, thar the boss.

ye mite member bout how friedrich nietzsche rote bout how thay aint no facks, jes interpretayshuns. tiz as close to a fack as yer lackly to git. miz bd larnd thatn without readin no nietzsche, though i reckon she's read her share over the years. point is, she cum to realize that no matter how ye wonta package it, yer news is a'gonna be biased sumhow, furst by whut ye see but mosly by whut yer publisher/editor in chief is a'gone allow ye to print.

i mentchun all that on a counta the fuss n fite that's a'ragin on mainstreet over that movie by michael moore name of fahrenheit 911. thays a slew of folks upset on a counta how tiz a documentry but it dont seem to be showin bof sides of the issues. sides that, michael moore aint made no secret bout his pinions. ye mite nitpick sum of the thangs he puts in thar or how he edits em or whutever, but hes honest as they cum bout his pinions n intentchuns.

n thats a good thang. tiz one of them odd moments whar even ifn ye dont lack whut he sez, ye orta add mire how he sez it. sides that, twoodnt be much of a sprize ifn younger folks gits eggcited by the potentchul of digital fotos n movies.

tuther thang i lacked bout it (still ignorin whut is sez bout our times fer the moment, witch i found that innerestin n wurth seein) is how it dint have to play the npr game of bof sides now. have ye noticed that whenever thars a npr story, ye git one side n then they find sumbidy to state tuthern. that means that ifn ye gut a new report on sum topick, say human effecks on global warmin, in sted of jes givin ye the ackshul news, witch thats the new infermayshun, ye also git sumbidy on tuther side sayin how the news aint rite or the worl aint changin or even ifn its changin, it aint human activty thats changin it or even ifn tiz human activty, tiz too late to stop thangs now, so we mites well go on a doon jes whut we been a'doin all along: usin up the worls store of fossil fuels as quick as we kin.

so that mane thang i lacked bout the movie, in a dishun to folks talkin bout the topicks it razed, is how tiz a sign of thangs to cum, when folks shows us thangs the corpert news -- n dont kid yerself, tiz a fack that four largest media congomerts cuntrols most of the news ye git in amurka, witch thays disney, time warner, viacom n vivendi universal -- innywho, i lack it that in the movie we gut to see thangs thats been missin from the corpert news.

n why is that? tiz on a counta whut miz bd larnt way back whenever she wuz a startin out: aint no point in ritin sumthin that the publisher or editor in chief wont print. period. dont matter bout yer own pallticks, yer own bias. ifn it dont agree with whut the owners wonts to publish, ye wont see yer wurds printed in thar paper or shown on thar news program. period.

tiz also profitabull to show thangs the corpert news wonts to keep hid: fahrenheit 911 near dubled its recurd brakin take frum the furst week (scroll down to michael moores furst blog entry). n once ye dun sumthin lack that, even ifn the corpert media tride to censor yer movie, they gut to git in on the ack once ye becum the big story.

astonishment of buddy don: thangs that make ye wunder

ye wunder how folks kin git to thankin sum of the thangs they do, witch heres a few that make me scratch my hed:

1. If you want a single number that tells the story, it's the percentage of adults who have jobs. When Mr. Bush took office, that number stood at 64.4. By last August it had fallen to 62.2 percent. In June, the number was 62.3. (Krugman)


2. Compare the following: Republicans in the House took more than 140 hours of testimony to investigate whether the Clinton White House misused its holiday card database but less than five hours of testimony regarding how the Bush administration treated Iraqi detainees. (Waxman)


3. Until now the record for mathematical lunacy by a legislative body has been held by the Indiana House of Representatives, which in 1897 decreed by a vote of 67 to 0 that pi -- the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter -- would no longer be 3.14159 but instead be 3.2. Indiana schoolchildren momentarily rejoiced over this simplification of their lives. But the Indiana Senate, composed of cooler heads, referred the bill to the Committee for Temperance, and it eventually died.
   
   What brings this episode to mind is that the U.S. House of Representatives is about to consider a bill that, if passed, could cause the mathematical lunacy record to move east from Indiana. First, the bill decrees that a coveted form of corporate pay -- stock options -- be counted as an expense when these go to the chief executive and the other four highest-paid officers in a company, but be disregarded as an expense when they are issued to other employees in the company. Second, the bill says that when a company is calculating the expense of the options issued to the mighty five, it shall assume that stock prices never fluctuate. (Buffet)


4. Increasingly, states across the country are making correctional facilities a higher spending priority than public and secondary education, according to the Justice Policy Institute . . .
   
   . . . Virginia, which is 12th among the states in per capita income, ranks third among all the states in spending on corrections, and 43rd in state spending on public education. While the state government in Virginia spends upward of $70,000 per year to incarcerate each child in a juvenile prison, it contributes only about $3,400 to provide for the education of that same child . . . (Andrew Block and Virginia Weisz)

should we ask 'is our children is learning'? (Bush)

but we kin remain optimistick since thays folks that still keers bout whuts rite n whuts rong, so we kin all have fun a'scratchin our heds n wundering bout who tiz thats supplyin us with these leaks (William Greider):

• Who gave the Justice Department's "torture" memorandum to the Washington Post?


• Who provided the International Red Cross's letter of complaints on prisoner abuses to the Wall Street Journal?


• Who confirmed for the New York Times that Iyad Allawi, the newly appointed Prime Minister of Iraq, had supervised the CIA's terrorist bombing campaign in Baghdad a decade ago?


• Who informed U.S. News & World Report that Defense Secretary Rumsfeld had authorized the holding of a "ghost prisoner" in violation of international law?


• Who--someone close to the President?--leaked the "torture" memo written by White House counsel Alberto Gonzales?

corse, thays that movie everbidys talking bout, witch ye kin tell witch side yer own by whuther ye lack it:

1. 'In wake of the president idling in "Fahrenheit 9/11," the White House image-makers have guarded against a recurrence.'When word of the second terror-jet smashing into the World Trade Center was whispered into the ear of the U.S. President of the targeted superpower, the Commander-in-Chief maintained his seat and schedule for seven blissfully uninterrupted minutes - seven minutes!
   
   The matter commanding the president's slavish attention? Listening to third graders while awaiting his turn to read at an elementary school in Sarasota, Fla. (Les Payne, NY Newsday)


2. The white-hot success of "Fahrenheit," plus cheap digital equipment, Internet-based communities and increasingly mean-spirited political advertising, means we can expect more quick-response films on hot issues, and ever cleverer strategies to make us watch. Independent documentaries, with their ring of honesty, have now been flagged a potential political tool for strategists of all kinds. Some will have more resources than others.
   
   Just as Matt Drudge personalized the shift in journalism with digital technology, Michael Moore and the flurry of political documentaries that his success has brought into the light draw attention to longer-term changes in film and video. We'll have much more to see, and more places to see it, but we'll still only have two eyes and 24 hours to see with. As for attitude, we ain't seen nothin' yet. (Pat Auferheide, NY Newsday)


3. Fahrenheit 9/11 made me angrier than any movie I've ever seen. It was a good anger, hard, clean and righteous, and I enjoyed it so much that I went back three days later to experience it again. Took two of my sons and two of their friends so they could become angry, too . . .
   
   . . . After all, if smugness was one of liberalism's most glaring flaws from the 1960s to the doorstep of the Reagan revolution, one of the least attractive characteristics of conservatism from that era forward has been its perpetual anger. Meaning its capacity to feel put upon, to work itself into a froth of righteous indignation, demonizing the opposition such that "liberal" becomes not a competing political philosophy but a curse word. (Leonard Pitts, Jr., Philadelphia Inquirer)


4. The most effective segments, at least for their emotional impact, involve mothers. First we see a mother in Iraq who lost family members in a U.S. bombing attack. Then we meet a mother in Michigan whose soldier son was killed in Iraq.
   
   Moore intercuts interviews with wounded soldiers - some with no hands, others with no legs, all of them in pain - with shots of Bush joking at a formal dinner, calling the well-to-do crowd "the haves and have-mores."
   
   He juxtaposes interviews with soldiers questioning their presence in Iraq with clips from a seminar helping defense contractors get a share of the Iraqi pie. "There are billions and billions of dollars to be made," they are reminded.
   
   And he returns to his home in Flint, Mich., a manufacturing ghost town where 50 percent are unemployed, to show how Marine recruiters target poor neighborhoods to entice youths simply looking for a paycheck. Then he stands outside the U.S. Capitol with brochures and a clipboard, asking members of Congress to enlist their sons and daughters; only one of the nation's 535 senators and representatives has a child serving in Iraq, according to Moore. (Jeff Strickler, Minneapolis Star Tribune)

me n miz bd gut to see the movie tuther day down at the lowes on 19th n broadway whar it gut a standin ovayshun. i couldnt git up on a counta havin the popcorn n dranks in my lap, but everbidy else did. corse, tiz in chelsea in man hattan, jes north of greenwich village, witch them folks votes lack crazy.

pinions of buddy don: enigma of wurk

lack everybidy in the usa jes bout, i plan to do my best to enjoy this last day befor i gut to go back to wurk. tiz a puzzle, wurk. i luv my job, lack the folks i wurk with, lack the cumpny, lack the locayshun, lack the pay. so why is it i hate to thank bout goin back to wurk? why duz it feel lack i gut a death sentence on me frum all the dred of goin back in?

i never could figger thatn. thang is, evertime i cum back to wurk frum a vacayshun, it feels lack cummin home n i luv it. but this evenin, long bout time me n miz bd has had a lil scotch n dun planned dinner, the dredll set in . . .

corse, wurk is a blessin, not a curse, witch i am verr thankful fer havin my job . . . ye caint cumplain when yer one of the lucky ones, witch i am bout as lucky as they git.

but it feels lack when yer in thurd grade n tiz sundy evenin n yer mamas yellin bout do yer homewurk.

return of buddy don: back frum a long vacayshun

howdy. this hyars buddy don at long last. sorry i ben away so long. taint eggzackly my fault on a counta how i aint a real person, perzackly, n problem is the author, witch hes the one a'makin me up. he acks lack i aint nuthin but a lil figment of his imaginayshun, but to me thangs is differnt. whenever i git to ritin, i turn real.

problem is, the authors on vacayshun n fer that lame reason, i caint hardly git im to let my fangers touch the keybird. but i reminded him bout how tiz the 4th of july, indeependents day of the usa, witch thats the day we celebrate the idee of a cuntry that bleeves everbidys gut a rite to life, liberty n the pursoot of happiness. i tole the author he wuz deprivin me of all three of em on a counta how thonly life i gut is whut i kin say in this hyar blog.

me n miz bd dun been to virginny fer a nite n then on to tennessee, whar we saw one of the nex generayshun gittin hitched. twuz outdoors n the rain quit long a nuff fer everythang to be lack in a story book.

we wonted to hike in the smokies but twuz rainin the days we wooda had time. twuz nice to see oak ridge n the campus at utk, to see the fambly n git cawt up on a few thangs.

i wuz verr sprized whenever i cum home n checked my stats. i had the biggest day ever n twuz when i had dun lef fer vacayshun n couldnt git near no keybird. reckon i should leeve more often?

innywho, me n miz bd has had us a wunderful vacayshun n today we plan on celebraytin a cuple birthdays, witch the one blongs to the usa n tuther blongs to our son-in-law.