wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 7:
stayns n uther complicayshuns

i wuz always a early riser, as thay say, witch i got that frum my daddy. he wuz always up long befor the sun n ifn ye got up roun then, ye wuz wise to wait till he'd dun tuck his mornin dump, witch after that he cud git friendly but not befor.

so oncet miz deeanjullo gut us a'goin on our bibl studies, twuz right hepful to git up n git my showr n shave (skool wudnt let me in with a beerd) n git dresst n after a while i'd fix the coffee n sumtimes even cook the brekfuss. after brekfuss i'd cleen the table n stick the dishes in this dishwashr thang thay had, witch i cudnt hep but wunder why ye dint jes dry off them dishes n put em away since ye had to cleen em up befor ye stuck em in, but miz deeanjullo wuz determint that usin that thar dishwashr wud diss infeck em. i mosly went along with whutever she allowed n tride to leev the fussin n backtalk to mr deeanjullo.

oncet brekfuss wuz cleend up, we'd start frogjumpin thru her bibl n bibl trax frum the watchtower n track bunch, witch thats the o-fishul name of them jehovuhs witness folk. at furst we mainly concentrated on how the worl wuz near over n how 1975 wuz the probly the last year, tho twernt inny man nor woman cud no the time nor place n all. but that dint stop miz deeanjullo since she'd dun had a dreem that reveeld thangs, n accordin to her, 'wuz mr deeanjullo in fer a surprise!' that got me to wunderin if she'd be happy in heavn without him, n i vocalizd the thought n that made her mad since i'd missed whar she wudnt shootin fer heavin but fer the new earth that the meek wud inhert. i dint ast her how she cum to thank she wuz meek, witch she wudnt, but she wuz kind in her own way n ifn thay wuz a gone redo the earth, she'd be welcum toot.

meenwhile thangs at skool fount thar pattern, witch wuz that virgil wonted to git darlene n darlene wonted to git me n i jes wonted to figger out whuther i wuz spozed to wait fer persilla n ifn i wuz, how wuz i spozed to fine her? ye kin see thay wuz complicayshuns. but it got sos ye'd see virgil n speck to see me n probly darlene. or ifn ye were lookin fer innny one of the three of us, ye'd ast witchevern ye run into. n thay wuz gud reeson. we wuz all in band n orkester, n whenever basketball seeson cummenced, we wuz in the pep band n rode the bus together to them games. n ifn we wernt together fer band thangs there wuz lunch, n ifn twernt lunch twuz a new habit we got into of a'walkin home or gittin a ride with whoever cum to pick us up, witch even thar folks n the deeanjullos got used to us bein three pees in a pod.

but thangs wuz kindly tragickal. see, virgil pickt up on the fack that darlene wudnt warmin to him much n purt soon he cud see it wuz me she wonted n i guess he thought twuz the noble thang to let me have her. thang wuz, i dint rilly wont her but i dint no how to splain it cawz thay wuz confusin facks to deal with: 1 - darlene wuz smart. 2 - seemt lack she new how to fine thangs fer us to talk bout that lef virgil out. 3 - she wuz purty. 4 - she had thees long laigs n thay wuz mos of em on display mos the time, witch that wuz a confusin distrackshun. 5 - even tho she playd trumpet in band n orkester, she cud play gittar, n her daddy had a ole mandlin, n ye kin figger how that lef no room fer a clairnet player who cudnt play by his ear. 6 - she wonted virgil fer a frien so she cud git him to hep her stratgize bout gittin me.

she even tole virgil she wonted to larn kissin n wud he ast me ifn id teech it to her. thang wuz, i wonted to larn it in the wurst way my ownself, even ifn it did seem rong, but how cud i hole myself up as a teechur when i aint never dun it? n wudnt i betray my frien if i tride it?

but virgil wuz in luv n he dint see thangs thataway. he wonted to arrange thangs so's darlene n i cud teech each other kissin. he jes wonted to hear the deetales after. all that wudn't a signifide much cept virgil got his drivers licens n a ole car his daddy dun give up on n one thang bout virgil wuz ifn sumthin wuz broke he cud fix it, n that mint we cud go wharever we wonted to. right away, virgil showd me how to drive n next thang ye no, mr deeanjullo tole miz deeanjullo twuz time i got my own drivers license, n he cud teech me to drive.

twuz lucky i'd dun been taught since he wudnt much of a teechur. he had em one a them volkswagon beetles n ye had to shif n seem lack it tuck ten or twelve attemps befor i sussed the skeme of that clutch, witch wuz to let it out slow in unnerstan that twernt a switch but a thang that cawt gradjull lack. i got the hang of it n miz deeanjullo got mr deeanjullo calmt down nuff to speek to me agin, n then it got right handy fer em to send me to the drugstor n the grocry n the cleeners  n so furth to pick up thangs thay wuz a needin. n then thay wuz a sayin i cud take it out on a date, ifn i had me a prospeck.

thang wuz, the furst date we went on, the three of us went to see this new movie called butch cassidy n the sundance kid, n afterds ye cud see that darlene wuz spookt n seemed lack she dint wont to hang aroun us fer a while. but she wuz still shy bout approachin me n that sent her to virgil n virgil cum to me n then thangs wuz ok agin. virgil seemt lack he cudnt hardly wait fer the kissin lessuns to git a'goin, n seemt lack the more i lookt at darlene, the easier she got on the eye. n then i tuck note of the way she wuz a warin pink a lot n dressin lack persilla, n i new virgil dun tole her sumthin i ast him to keep a'secret n whenever he dun that, i figgerd i dint owe him much in return, n thats how i cum to have a date with darlene.

we went to a place calld moorpark n had dinner n then she wondered cud we go to the beech, witch seemt a bit strange to go thar at night, but i lacked drivin n we wuz a'listnin to krla n befor ye new it, we wuz at the beech. we dint have no towl to sit on, so we walkt out on the pier, witch ifn ye aint seen one, yer in fer a treet. thays big n long n jut right out into the ocean. we walkt to the end n we wuz a holdin hands n whenever we gut to the end, i felt her arm snake roun my waste n seemt a natchral thang to turn her my diereckshun n then befor we'd made a lessun plan we wuz a larnin kissin. n we larnt a bit bout touchin too, witch that led to frustrayshun n made me feel lack i'd dun been kickt tween my laigs.

but i wuz taught to be a genlmun, n i tuck her home, n even when he begged me i wudnt tell virgil whatever base i dun got to since it dint seem lack a game we wuz a playin but sparkin pur n simple.

meenwhile, i went home n the pain wuz so grate that whenever i went sleep i had this dreem n me n darlene toucht all em bases n then sum n i wuz dreemin thangs that ye had to be marred to consider a'doin, but ye cant control yer dreems n when i woke i felt better but thay wuz sumthin sticky on my laigs. i wiped it off on the sheet.

n that started a pattern whar darlene wud wont to go practice kissin n virg wud baig to hear bout it n i'd tell him jes enuff to shut him up n he'd talk bout masterbaitin, witch he never splaint that one n seem lack i wuz too shy to ast, tho i'd fine out soon nuff.

one mornin i'd jes fixt brekfuss when here cum miz deeanjullo , n twuz clar sumthin was on her mine lack a plague. she wudnt hardly menshun it at furst, but she wonted us to study up on this fella name of onan, witch he wuz the one that wudnt get his daid bruthers wife pregnunt n spilt his seed on the groun, witch seem to me to be in keepin with not doin it with sumbidy ye aint marred to n seemt lack twernt wurthy of death penalty.

whenever i splained whut i thought it mint, she dint lack the splainashun tall. she gut reel serius n sed, 'Buddy, the message of the story of Onan is that it is an abomination against the Lord to waste your seed in . . . by doing . . . that is, it is a sin to masturbate. Do you understand?' i dint no ifn i unnerstood or not. i tole her i wuznt shure bout this masturbayshun stuff n that nobidy'd ever shone me how twuz done nor whut twuz neether.

at that she stood up n got all red in the face n wuz reddy to a cuse me of line or sumthin, but she helt it in n sed to cum with her, n i did, n she went out to the lawndry room whar the washer n drier lived n she pullt out my sheets n showed me thay wuz brown stayns on em.

'How do you explain this?' she said. i cudnt splain it n that tickt her off more n made her voice git louder n purty soon here cum mr deeanjullo a astin whut wuz all the fuzz bout. i wuz glad he ast that since i wuz a wunderin the same thang. she tole him n seem lack he unnerstood but it dint make him mad n he tole her to mine her own bizness n tole me to cum with him.

i followd him to the livin room n when mis deeanjullo tride to follow her ownself he tole her to git n she did. then he tole me thay wuz thangs thats natcherul n that i wuz a'doin one of em n twuz all right even ifn miz deeanjullo dint thank so n that everthang'd be ok ifn i'd jes us sum toilet papr. i ast him fer whut n he sed fer cleenin up after yerself n i sed how cud that stop them stains n he sed i oughta no the anser to thatn. i polgized n sed i still dint git it n he sed that whenever ye masturbait ye need to wipe tup with toilet papr n put it in the trash.

i sed id do my bes to cleen up after myself, n i tride lack crazy but seem lack id have them sext up dreems mos ever time darlene n i practiced our kissn n i dint no how i wuz spozed to wake up n cleen whenever i wuz a'sleepin.

so i ast virgil bout this masterbaitin stuff n he tride to splain it n i wuz shockt about it n wunderd bout onan n ifn thay wuz the same thang, witch seemt lack thay wuznt since thar wuz no menshun of a'layin with my daid bruthers wife, witch nun of my bruthers had died n lef a wife behine. so i tride it one evenin after darlene had dun provt that she lacked it ifn i touched her in private places, n i started a usin toilet papr.

n both mr n miz deeanjullo wuz right proud of tharselves n virgil wuz satisfide to hear bout whutever id tell him bout kissin darlene n darlene wuz happy cept she wonted us to practice moren kissin.

n wurst of all, durin all thees deestrackshuns, speshly frum darlene, i dun begun fergittin all bout persilla.