wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 13:
the motorsickle

whut i hadnt figgert on wuz how tard a bidy gits after cookin till 3 am, witch thats when the restrunt closed, n then 'closin,' witch that mint cleenin up after yerself. n thay wuz rite particlar bout how ye had to cleen. furst ye had to cleen the gunk offn yer own grill, witch ye dun that by gittin a scoop of ice n dumpint on the grill n then a'scrapin while twuz hot n steemin up. twuz too bad ifn ye misst it n let the ice melt without scrapin, witch i only made that miss take oncet. 

then whenever ye wuz dun with that, ye had to filter the greese, witch ye cud git yerself hurt easy nuff on a counta ye had to lif the deep fat while twuz hot n pore't thru a filter n ifn the greese wuz too gunkt up, ye clogged yer filter n had to stop porin, witch oncet ye got to porin twuz kindly like peein, witch everbidy nos that ifn ye start, tiz near impossbull to stop. tuck two to doot rite.

i cud go thru the hole list, witch ye had to cleen everthang n filter the greese n mop the floors n shine ever bit of metal ye cud fine n bust the greese frum everthang usin dee turgent with hot water n put the knives whar thay blongs n spatchlas too n prep fer the food prep folks, witch thayd be cumin in a cuple hours, but i thank ye git the pitchur without more dee tales.

spose ifn id cum strate home afterds, thangs might cudda turnt out differnt, but seem lack oncet ye wuz finely dun, ye wonted to do sumthin sides go home, lack sit in a nuther restrunt with the folks ye wurked with n talk bout how busy twuz last night n whut yed dun wisht yed sed to the nite manjer, witch he wuz whut thay callt a 'prick' cawz he wuz lazy n a lil on the stoopid side n thought he wuz bettern everbidy else.

speekin of new wurds, that restrunt wuz loded with em. one my faverts wuz  akshully a number, 86, witch that mint minny thangs. fer eggzampl, ifn a waytress wuz to order sumthin by miss take, she cud holler out, '86 that,' n ye new ye cud ignore everthang she dun sed n she wood start over agin. n ifn ye found sum all beef patties that wuz too old to use, witch that mint ye cudnt cover up the smell no matter how much ye cooked em, then yed say, 'That meats 86,' n then ye cud say to sumbidy, '86 this,' n that mint throw t'out. n ye cud insult folks by sayin thay wuz 86. twuz a rite useful number.

nuthern i lacked wuz 'hot stuff,' witch that mint dont move or ye gone git burnt cawz i got sumthin hot ye cud bump into. twuz used fer thangs that wuznt even hot, lack a plate of food that sumbidy dint wonta drop or sumthin hevy ye wuz a'carryin or even jes 'Get out of the way.' n thay wuz a nuthern callt 'behind you' witch twuz rite simlar to 'hot stuff' only it rilly mint be careful.

innywho, it got sos id be lucky to git home in the dark n that dint solve the problem of the bibl study. problem wuz, i jes cudnt be awake n reddy to study innythang befor mr deeanjullo wuz awake, n he wudnt put up with no bibl study when he wuz a roun. ackshully, he cud tolrate it, but miz deeanjullo wudnt doot in front of him on a counta the way he'd make fun of sum the stuff that wuz writ down in that thar bibl. n ifn i cudnt make the bibl study n wonted a sleep all day n then git up jes in time to get dresst n leeve out fer wurk, thay wuz hardly no time to say boo to the deeanjullos, n thay got to figgern thay wuz bein cheeted. i reckon thay wuz lonely with jes each other.

thay wernt no anser fer't n i new i wuz gone have to move. n that wernt easy on a counta i needed to git me a car.

fack is, thangs wuz harder n i spected. i wuz steddy puttin money aside but it dint go as quick as ye might thank. turnt out that even a'makin as much as i wuz, ye cud barely keep up. i genrly wurked frum 4 pm to 4 am, witch that mint id urn, countin nite differential of ten cent a hour, $2.38 times 8, witch that cums out to $19.04 plus OT of $3.57 times 4, witch that wuz $14.28 fer a total of $33.32 urnt in a day. n in six day, ye cud urn yerself 6 times $33.32, witch that wuz $199.92. n the gummint tuck a slice n the union tuck a slice n thay wuz other dee duckshuns i cudnt rightly splain even now, so time ye gut yer weekly check twuz down to bout $130 or so. ye take yer $20 frum that fer rentin the room n the car fer a week, n $5 fer gas fer a week, n then i had to git me sum new shoes n pants n all, witch i dun lack dick screema sed n got cloze jes lack his. n i needed new clodhoppers on a counta the greese dun ruint the good par i brung frum tennessee. n a har cut wud set ye back 50 cent. n point is, ever time ye turnt aroun thay wuz sumthin else ye had to pay.

bile it down, n whut ye gut was $350 hid in the mattriss after id been wurkin a cuple months.

i gut to figgern n plannin n wundern how to make thangs cum out. i dun promist the deeanjullos id git a car, but whenever i went a lookin at em, turnt out thay wuz almos as dear as a house. furst i wuz hopin to git a new one, n i lacked that new chevrolay callt the vega, witch twuz a'winnin awards fer its injun bein made frum alumnum, but thay wonted $2,700 fert, n that wuz how i larnt whut sticker shock mint. n yer used cars that wuz inny good warnt much cheeper, n fack is, thay wudnt nuthin ye cud git in the way of a car fer the money i had.

but my luck turnt fer the better one nite after wurk whenever we wuz havin our coffee n whut thay callt the 'bitch sesshun' bout the manjer. thay wuz this guy we wurkt with name of gunner, on a counta he wuz in the veetnam war, n ye might cudda thought gunner wudnt a had nuthin to do with me on a counta he ast me one evenin did i wont to go git hi n i declined with all respeck n he ast had i ever been hi n i sed id dun been up to clingmuns dome n i dint think ye cud git inny futher up than that. he lafft n sed i wuz such a hick, n i thanked him, n he sed did i unnerstan whut he mint by a'gittin hi, n i cunfesst mayhap i dint, n he sed twuz dun by smokin sum pot. n i sed i druther not on a counta i dun had a nuff of pots n grills n pans n all. cum to fine out later he wuz talkin bout smokin marywanna? n whenever i turnt him down, he claimt he respecktid my cleen haid. n i thanked him n tole him i washt ever day. n he lafft n seem lack he lookt down on me n ackshully did respeck me bof at the same time.

so this one nite i got offn the toppick of the manjer n menshunned how i wuz trine to fine a car but dint have a nuff fer one that ye cud depend on fer $350 or less. n gunner sed wood i consider a motorsickle n i sed i aint never considerd it but i new how to ride a bysickle n how hard cud it be? n gunner sed he new whar ye cud by one fer $250, n i sed whar, n he sed a guy he new n he give me his phone number n i callt him, witch his name wuz jeez on a counta he had this long har n folk claimt he lookt lack jesus, n i got miz deeanjullo to go with me n i bought that thar motorsickle, witch that turnt out to be a fatefull thang to do.

oncet i had that motosickle, thangs started a'changin. the deeanjullos dint lack it much n seemt lack twernt the money but jes that i never had no time fer em. n that made me fill bad, but what kin ye do?