Friday, February 11, 2005

pinions of buddy don: 'there is no trust' (part two)

warning: ifn yer irony blind, ye better not read thisn!

yesterdy i splaind how i dun figgerd out the mane problem we gut with our budgetin process:
old people
in the intrest of fairness n full discloshur, i dun been accused of bein one of them verr old people, witch tiz a lie on a counta how i aint no moren 53 year old, but tiz true that i aspire to becum one of them old people.

be that as tiz, whuther im old or jes hopin to git old, the plane fack is how old people is a big problem. jes a lil recap of how thar such a problem:
  1. thar lazy n dont wonta wurk, claimin they gut a rite to 'retire'

  2. thar verr lackly to git sick n need eggspensive medicine n medicull procedures lack that thang mr cheney has embedded in his chest to keep his hart a'beatin

  3. on a counta points one n two, the tend to be too poor to buy lots of thangs n hep the economy grow

  4. they vote in grate numbers bout thangs thats only gonna affeck thar children n grandchildren, witch them same grandchildren dont hardly even vote, so ye gut one generayshun havin undue influents on deecishuns that affeck a nuthern

  5. thar hard to fool, witch ye need to have ye a good majorty of folks thats a'gone fall fer yer spin ifn yer a'gone lead em to vote agin thar own intest n hep increase the number of billionaires that our grate society kin create (aint that the mayshure of a grate society? how minny billionaires it kin create?)

  6. thar lack as not to be cranky
ok so far i aint sed nuthin all that controvershul. everbidy knows how old people is nuthin but eggspensive trouble. but thay gut em a few weak points n thats whar we kin attack, fix the budget, make sum exter money (mayhap a nuff to create a few more billionaires!), n have us the worls mos amazin new entertainment sinsayshun. so without no futher ado, heres my plan fer solvin the problem of old people.

tiz simple, really. ye let the gummint git into the entertainment bizness even futher than it alreddy is n make em a new show, a gameshow fer tv. twood be one of them realty based thangs ceptn twood be even more real than them otherns.

heres the way twood wurk: furst thang, jes in case innybidy wuz wurried, woodnt nuthin be changed fer nobidy till they had dun lived our thar three score n ten years they wuz promissd by god. once they outlive thar riteful lifespan n turn 71 years old, they wood half to give up on gittin all them benefits thats runnin up such a big deficit -- no more of them librul progams that fdr n lbj put on us -- no more soshul securty nor medicar nor nuthin else -- in other wurds, no more free lunch. in sted, they wood half to earn thar livin same as everbidy else that aint alreddy rich. n whut better way than to put em all into our new games show?
real life survival: the new game show
whar ifn ye survive, ye survive!
once ye gut em on the show, ye could have em do a bunch of crazy thangs, jes lack they do on sum of them other shows. heres sum of the games ye could have em play:
  1. fer them thats in need of medicayshun, ye wood give em jes a nuff money sos they kin eethur buy food or medicayshun -- wont it be fun to watch em try to figger out witch way they should go with thar pittance?

  2. make em choose twixt eatin weird stuff lack cat food or payin thar heatin bill

  3. give em a chants to wurk n see ifn they kin make a nuff to eat, witch ifn they kin say, 'wont fries with that?' they mite could make it

  4. cut the wasteful benefits heppin em pay rent n see how thangs goes whenever they move in with thar children n grandchildren, witch that could lead to sum wonderful scenes whar thar trine to cunvints them same children n grandchildren to open the door n let em have the spare bedroom, ifn thay is one -- as ye kin see, thays almost no end to the fun ye could have

  5. ifn they need em a big operayshun, let em have it ifn they give up everthang they n thar children has gut

  6. most of em that loses probably woodnt survive, but ifn sum did, they wood git a offer fer the final challenge:
    • ifn thar willin to be euthanized, they wood git a prize wurthy of a king, a nuff to bury em with dignity n leave a lil inheritance to thar children n grandchildren -- oh n did i mentchun how them children woodnt half to pay no tax on that inheritance? taint that we wood wont to be stingy with our show
    • ifn thay aint willin to accept euthanizayshun, then they kin becum beggars
corse, thats not a'gone sit well with folks that bleeves ye shouldnt kill folks, but sooner or later, we gut to face facks. lease we woodnt half to raze no taxes! besides, a show lack that could generate huge audiences jes frum the folks that wonted to root fer thar favert old people, witch them viewers mite could even be related to sum of em. purty soon, that show could pay fer itself n ye woodnt half to have no fedrul programs lack soshul security or medicare.

twood be ever man person fer his or her self!

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