pitchers by buddy don: cranes a'wurkin

me n miz bd tuck us a walk n found these cranes demolishin a bildin.

pinions of buddy don: whut a cunventchun!

aint never seen no dimcrats acktin thisaway. corse, ifn ye dont have c-span, ye probly dint git to see it fer the talkin heds in the way. ifn the dimcrats kin git out thar vote, thisn could be a landslide. i know aint nobidy eggspecks that, so i lackly will be shamed fer ritin that wurd 'landslide.' tiz ok. hopes is high, lease rite now.

thankee c-span fer lettin us watch the hole thang n make up our own minds bout whut it means without no privliged pundits trine to tell us whut we thank or whut we all spozed to thank.

life of buddy don, chaptur 125: bildin a fence

ye dun herd bout how fences makes fer good naybors n all. tiz a cleeshay to say it, but one of the thangs i larnt by a'studyin flossofy wuz how all the grate thoughts turnt out to be cumplex tellin of ole cleeshays. corse, tuther thang ye gut to know bout them grate cleeshays frum flossofy is how ye gut to larn em over n over agin.

mj n virgil wuz a'larnin em a nuthern of them cleeshays frum flossofy, witch thats the one bout, 'beware of whut ye wont on a counta yer lackly to git it.' a vershun of this wuz writ by ralph waldo emerson minny a year ago n furst time i red it, i figgerd twuz a wunderful thang on a counta i speckted it meant i wood be a grate riter n git rich off my ritins n all. corse, it dint eggzackly wurk out thataway, but it kep me a'goin. i reckun its gut me a'goin still, even if gittin whut i wonted turnt out to be a lil differnt frum whut i speckted it to be.

corse, virgil had dun herd it, but that dint mean he unnerstood it no better i dun. virgil had finely gut his degree n thay wuz eggspecktayshuns. he tuck im a job over at one of them injuneerin places in oak ridge that wuznt eether department of energy or union carbide. i dont recolleck eggzackly witchn twuz, whuther ortec or tennelec or whut, but he gut im a job as a injuneer n ye mite coulda thought a reglar paycheck n all wooda made folks such as mj happy, but twernt to be.

turnt out she had hopes that his job couldnt make cum true n she blamed us all fer it one way or tuther. thang is, i dint real eyes how upset she wuz bout the land on a counta thay wuznt no way me n emily could live out thar. we dint have no car, we had to be at skool everday, but mos importunt, thay wuznt no place fer us to put our thangs. brew had moved liza in with him even tho he had dun forbid me frum havin susanna livin with me or gretchen livin with him back whenever they wuz together. once he moved liza in, thay wuznt no room fer us.

we wuznt cumplainin nun about it n dint thank innybidy else wooda been, but we wuz rong.

i cum to find out thangs wuz gittin ugly out thar a lil while after eli gut outta the v.a. hospitull in johnson city. he wuz ritin lack a fool n i did my bes to git im to read me his stuff. twernt easy. he wood teez me with it, a'pullin out a sheaf of papers, all of em poems far as i could tell, n readin me one or two of em n then puttin the stack away. twuz frustratin, but thay aint no point in cumplainin bout whuther a crazy person is acttin reasonabull.

innywho, eli gut to whar he wuz sweet on a sangle muther name of patsy. she had a cuple kids that wuz always hungry n she dint have no job n eli had his v.a. check ever munth so he tuck a noshun bout movin in with her sos he could hep pay the rent n git her back on her feet. all them callus basturds frum the farm lacked to joke bout him finely 'gittin him sum,' but that jes made im mad on a counta he claimed twuz a platonick relayshunship. i bleeve im now n i bleeved him then. it botherd him how folks could jes make up thar minds whut he wuz a'doin n spout thar bleefs to innybidy with ears.

so it cum a day when he needed sum hep movin in. twuz summer brake, so i volunteerd to do whut i could. he borried mamas car n cum to git me. bout the time we wuz ready to leeve fer oak ridge the fone rung n twuz mj. whenever she wood call ye on the telefone, she woodnt never say hello or nuthin lack that. in sted she wood ast ye whut ye wuz a'doin. i had anserd the fone n when she ast me that, i splaind how i wuz heppin eli move. she ast me why dint i hep her move, witch twuz a sprize on a counta her livin on the farm. turnt out she wuz maddern a wet hen over virgils job n drankin n the farm n how her life hadnt turnt out lack she wonted it to. n wurse of all, she wuz bout to turn thurty years ole n dint thank she wuz wharever she had hoped she wood be by time she turnt so ole.

that conversayshun led to a hole round of belly achin by near everbidy that had ever been near the farm. mj wonted to sell. virgil dint. we dint. brew dint. but they all wonted mj to shut up to whar we wuz all cunsidderin it. so we had us a fambly council, witch the idee wuz to figger out whut we wuz a'gone do, but all we dun wuz git our list of greevuntses wurked up. i caint thank of no better way to show jes how divided we wuz than to give ye the list of upsets fer each person.

but furst twuz funny how we couldnt find a time when all of us could be thar at once. so we wood go out to the farm whenever we could n the summer projeck wuz to bild us a solid oak fence sos mj could cunsidder gittin her a horse. now aint that crazy? we wuz trine to git a council meetin together sos we could talk bout gittin rid of the farm but whut we dun wuz bild a fence. twuz a lot of hard wurk. furst twood be me n virgil a wurkin, diggin post holes n all. then twood be me n brew. then virgil n brew. mj wood stand on the side cumplainin as long as she could bleeve innybidy wuz listnin n then she wood git mad whenever she figgerd out nobidy wuznt payin her no mind. by the end of the job, she wuz pitchin in n heppin n whenever the day cum when we could all git together, she pitched in n hepped drive the las nail. once twuz dun, we wuz all proud n figgerd whuther we sold or not, the land shore looked a lot better with that fine fence running long the rode at the top of our holler.

then we had our meetin n gut to listin everbidys greevuntses.

mj wuz maddest so she gut to go furst. (1) she wuz tired of livin in the lil house. (2) she figgerd virgil orta be makin more money. (3) she claimed me n emily wuz takin add vantage of everbidy who lived on the farm, benefittin finanshully but not havin to do nun of the wurk, witch everbidy laffed on a counta i had dun the mos on bildin the fence. but truth wuz, we lived n wurked in knoxvull n dint git out to the farm much, speshly since emily never felt lack she wuz welcum thar. (4) brew dint have no rite to have the big house. (5) brew dint have no rite to have liza livin with him on a counta he never let susanna nor gretchen nor emily live thar. (6) me n emily woodnt never live on the farm agin n wuz jes trine to milk it fer all twuz wurth. (7) virgil wuz livin in a dream worl n dint have no innerest in her idee of startin a anteek shop or a baby cloze shop or a horse stabull. (8) nuthin ever gits dun at the farm, witch we laffd bout thatn too. (9) shes thurty years ole.

virgil went nex. (1) he never wonted a horse nor a fence nor a barn for a horse. (2) he felt lack he had ever rite to have as minny car carcases out in his frunt lawn as he could fit thar. (3) me n emily orta be more innerested in the folks livin at the farm even ifn we wuznt speckted to live thar or even wurk thar, speshly emily. we ast whar wood we live ifn we wonted to move out on the farm n thay wuznt no anser, so we thanked virgil fer statin the obveeus. (4) he dont lack wurkin alone n he dint wonta shar nun of his possesshuns nor innybidy elses, witch he wuz talkin bout his tools bein used fer wurk on the farm. (5) he wuz sick of mjs bitchin. (6) he sed it felt lack brew looked down on im n wood druther pay to rent sumwhars else than live in the lil house. (7) he thought liza wuz overly selfish.

brew cum nex. (1) he claimed he never gut no privacy on a counta how mj wuz up at his house ever spar mint. he wonted mj to git a job sos she wood have sumthin else to do besides countin her greevuntses n invadin his privacy. (2) he claimed virgil wuz livin in a fantasy worl of dreams he never wurked on, witch he called him the king of never never land n lacked to whistle 'the impossibull dream' whenever virgil wuz splainin sum of his inventchuns. he called it virgils theme song. (3) he wuz sick of livin in a place that looked lack twuz a junkyward on a counta all the used cars n pieces of cars sittin roun all over the place a'waitin fer virgil to wurk on em. (4) he wonted to clear at least 3 acres for pastchur but he knew virgil wuz agin it. virgil sed he dint thank we should ever cut a sangle tree, period. even if he agreed to let sum trees git cut, he wuznt a'gone hep nun. (5) virgil never heps out on no wurk, witch everbidy laffed agin on a counta the fence. corse, he wuz outvoted 2 to 1 by brew n me, so he sed he wuz wurkin agin his will. (6) he figgerd liza wuz way too selfish. (7) he thought virgil wuz a'drankin too much, witch mj sed she thought the same thang n wonted that added to her list, which everbidy started into yellin n sayin how twuz too late to add to her list since she gut to go furst. she sed she thought he drunk too much even ifn we woodnt put it on her list. (8) he sed he couldnt tell whuther he wuz havin trubles in his relayshunship with liza on a counta problems in the relayshunship or on a counta the stoteses, witch in case ye dun fergot, virgil n mjs las name wuz stotes. mj hollerd out how she wonted to add to her list agin on a counta she had the same prolbem only the questchun wuz whuther us duncans wuz ruinin thar marrg.

liza had her own list. (1) she figgerd me n emily wuz a'cheatin tutherns by not wurkin a nuff on the land. she claimed we had dun moved away of our own free choice, witch emily verr quitely sed she hadnt never been allowed to live thar n the hole room gut reel quite over that. (2) she wontd to git brew to sell outn move away frum his fambly on a counta how she bleeved he woodnt never feel secure nor happy neethur so long as his relatives kept a'holding him down. (3) she claimed to have the same cuncerns bout thar relayshunship brew had, witch she figgerd mj wuz makin it impossibull. (5) she agreed bout brews cumplaints bout havin no privacy. (6) she sed virgil wuznt nuthin but a jerk fer dranking so much n fer bein so honest bout his wishin he could have sex with other women. (6) she hated mj, period. (7) she sed mj had dun spoilt lil donovan, witch everbidy ceptn virgil n mj thought that.

they let emily have a say, even ifn she hadnt never been allowed to live thar n hadnt had nuthin to do with the land ceptn fer heppin to mke our part of the land payment ever munth. (1) she never wonted no farm. (2) she resented havin to bild a fence fer brew n liza n mj. (3) she figgerd that livin on the land should be a nuff compensayshun fer a'wurkin on it. (4) she dint never git to live thar, felt uncomfertabull whenever i made her go out thar n she resented bein criticized fer not goin out to the farm moren she dun, speshly since twuz generly jes a fuss n fite by the time we ever gut thar.

then cum my list. (1) i figgerd dint nobidy have no rite to criticize us fer not livin on the farm on a counta thay wuznt no place fer us to live thar. (2) i resented tutherns makin it sound as if we wuz a lie-bilty to live on the land. i ast em all did they wonted to move off n pay rent sumwhars else? (3) i wuz sick of mjs bitchin, virgils drankin n dreamin n doin nuthin, brews cumpalinin bout me not a'wurkin out thar n lize bein so selfish. (4) i dint wonta sell the farm atall, but i wuz so sick of the fussin n fitin that i wood sell jes to git out of it. 

after everbidy had dun stated thar lists, thangs gut reel quite. finely mj sed sumthin bout lease we gut us a new fence. sumbidy else sed we orta go take a look at it. purty soon, we wuz a'sittin atop that fence, talkin bout how strong twuz. the sun wuz a'settin, so brew sed sumthin bout we orta make a fire out at the fire spot. mj sed she had jes harvested sum of the bes of theevil weed she had ever growd. virgil ast me n brew did we wonta go git sum beer n we sed why not. liza sed she n emily could go git the fire a'goin.

we all jumped down offn that fence n started walkin back tords the house. then mj tuck to gigglin n that gut emily to chuckle, witch that tuck everbidy by sprize n that made allus laff.

twuz one of the bes parties we ever had out thar.

pinions of buddy don: common defense cunundrum

aint gut not time to blog this mornin, but fer sum reason, i been havin this thought a'runnin thru my mind durin this hole pre-eleckshun period, witch it has to do with defense. the preambull to the constitooshun sez the gummint should pervide fer the common defense, witch everbidy sez that means agin enemies lack communists n terrists n such. but thays three enemies that attacks with near purrfeck impunity: (1) ignorance, (2) disease, n (3) poverty. but we spend more money on prisons than skools, pass medicare bills to perteck the cumpnies that make drugs n not the peeple that needs em, n raze payroll taxes to shore up soshul securty n then spend em all in deficits while borryin money to make shore them thats gut gits more.

aint thay sumthin rong with this pitcher?

pinions of buddy don: ritin n blogger

fer them amung us that uses blogger to do our blogs, we gut challenges mos everday. i dun talked bout how thay aint no ritin but only re-ritin, more or less. obveeusly, ye gut to cum up with sum ritin to re-rite, but mos of whut ye do is improov whut ye dun writ.

so i wuz trine to do that verr thang yesterdy with chaptur 124. twuz a chaptur with lots of trubles, manely on a counta me not havin the time i needed to git it writ, let it set, n then rite on it agin. so i wuz doon jes that yesterdy when suddenly everthang in my screen vanished n wuz replaced with a Google search screen. i half to add mitt it made me git a lil riled up. miz bd tride to speak sum sense at me, astin me why dint i git my ritin reddy in a nuther applicayshun n then paste it into the tiny lil blogger winder they give ye to do yer bloggin. whenever ye jes acksidently wiped out maybe 2,000 wurds of yer ritin, tiz a nuff to make ye wonta quit. but she also ast me why dint i try publishin whut i had n see how did it cum out, witch thats whut i dun n shore a nuff, thar wuz bout half of whut i had dun. so i wurked lack crazy to finish n gut to wurk a lil late by my standurds.

so my message today is how ritin n re-ritin is habits that ye gut to wurk on keepin. after a lifetime of ritin, ye mite thank i woodnt half no truble gittin started, but evertime i need to wurk on a new chaptur, tiz all i kin do to git the courage to git started. whenever i wuz yunger, i writ everthang by hand usin a fountin pen. i figgerd i woodnt be able to rite usin a type-riter or keypad. but i gut to whar i could.

then cum bloggin n at the beginnin, twuz easy to do. i had the blogger innerface n blogweaver sos i could see THE HOLE PAGE all at once while i wuz wurkin. i could see how thangs wood look whenever i published. twuz easy to wurk with n i gut in the habit of ritin a'usin the blogger innerface. then cum google n thar changes. whar we used to have the hole screen, now they give us fifteen lines of text that we kin see at one time. even when yer wurkin on yer template, they only let ye see fifteen lines at a time. tiz hard to wurk with.

wurse, it has dun drove sum bloggers to quit bloggin, witch the mane one that the worl is a'gone miss is oldcatman. fer them amung us that knows his wurk, we kin still git his ritin by email. but he dun deecided to give up on blogger.

caint say as i blame im. one more disaster lack yesterdy n i figger i'll find sum new way to rite. tiz a shame the way google rites us to brag bout improovments that makes thangs wurser.

life of buddy don, chaptur 124: teachin my furst class

in the summer of 1981, i gut to teach a english class all by myself fer the furst time. i had dun parts of classes with the hep of reglar instructers durin my furst year of grad skool, but they dint allow ye to teach a class all on yer own till ye had made it thru the furst year. me n emily dint wonta go find no minimum wage entry level jobs fer the summer n we luved skool, so twuz only natcherul how we wood take classes n all. thats how i cum to have a summer class.

as ye know ifn ye been payin much tenchun to whut amurka valus on the basis of whut tiz willin to pay, ye know that teachin is bout at the level of takin orders at mack donalds. i reckun that could be on a counta how tiz a reeward all by its ownself. ye wurk long hours n take wurk home with ye n give up a day or two of ever weekend to gradin papers n makin lessun plans, but whenever ye walk back tords yer home at the end of a day, ye git a grate feelin that ye dun sumthin good fer the worl. ifn twernt fer that, we wood probly have to cum up with a way of payin our teachurs a lil bettern we do. but as they say, we gut other priorties.

the way they wurked it back in the 80s at utk, ever freshman had to take three english classes, witch they wuz organized thisaway: furst quarter, ye teach em basick composishun -- how to rite 500 wurd essays using the followin forms: deescripshun, narrative, classification, compar n contrast, process or how to do sumthin, argument, n so forth. the idee wuz to teach yung riters how to put together evidents to prove sum kinda point, witch they name that point the thesis.  i lacked teachin this class on a counta ye had a chants to teach folks how to make good arguments based on bleevabull evidents. ye dint teach em whut to thank, but ye had to teach em how, lease to sum extent.

once they gut past that class, they tuck a class on literchur, witch the mane point of thatn wuz to teach em how to back thar arguments with quotayshuns frum books. finely in the thurd quarter, they had to do em a research paper, witch that meant cummin up with a thesis n then doin research in the liberry to proov whut ye claimed wuz true.

whenever we gut started in teachin, twuz splaind how we wood grade em on a scale that had a 'a' fer eggcellent, a 'b' fer above avridge, a c' fer avridge, n a 'nc' fer not good a nuff to pass, witch 'nc' stands fer no credit. they dint lack to say folks had failed or flunked fer sum reason. mayhap on a counta how sum students had to take them english classes two or three times to git thru em all.

n since everbidy had to git thru them three classes, ye had ye steddy supply of folk needin teechurs of english n since it tuck summa them students two or three tries to git thru inny one of them classes n since thay wuznt near a nuff ackshul perfessers round to teach em all, all us grad students had us a way to pay fer our educayshun. sum folks lacked to thank twuz sum kinda racket. virgil dint much care fer havin to larn english composishun on a counta how all he wonted to do wuz becum a injuneer n he couldnt see whar he wood need to know how to write no 500 wurd essay.

thang is, i have noticed how valuabull ritin is out in the 'real worl,' witch the real worl is whut ye threaten yer students with whenever theys in class. whutever ye wuz teachin em, ye wood kindly justify it by claimin they wuz a'gonna need it once they gut out in life, witch thats the real worl n verr differnt frum the artifishul worl of skoolin.

inny who, i been a'wurkin all my life one way or a nuther, mosly teachin or wurkin with cumputers n heres sumthin i have noticed bout skoolin. ye gut ye two big sides of campus, witch thays yer librul arts n yer hard sciences. virgil wuz in the hard sciences n i wuz in the librul arts. he lacked to make fun of the librul arts or fer that matter, innythang with the wurd librul in it, but whenever i finished teechin, witch i dun that fer a few years befor i gut the idee i had to go to new york city, i found out a odd thang bout wurk: seemed lack everwhar i went thay wuz sum librul arts majur bein boss of a bunch of hard sciences majurs.

thays a simple reason why: the person who knows why will always be the boss of the person who knows how.

i dun found this to be true over n over agin. fer instunts, my furst tech job in new york, the manjer wuz a woman who majurd in scandinavian histry. then my next job, the boss wuz a french majur. i made boss, n i wuz a flossofy n english majur fer my two degrees. my nex boss dint have no degree but he did have his own cumpny, witch he luvd to read n figgerd cumputers wuz a good racket to make money but he dint have no speshul educayshun in computers. even my boss now aint no cumputer science majur, witch he majurd in japanese.

innywho, frum the instunt i gut in frunt of my own class, i knew i had dun found the thang i could do bes in life. i wood be a'doin it today ifn it wood pay a livin wage, witch it dont cum close to the wages they pay fer janitors n seckataries n cumputer tecks. i larnt that a few years later when i wuz near broke n went up to new york city, a'thankin i could git better money fer teachin than i gut in tennessee, but twernt to be. thay wuz jobs fer folks who had good english n could type, so i gut a job as a secketary n made near twice the money i made fer teachin. aint that a good deal fur amurka?

corse, tiz one thang to say twuz sumthin i wuz good at doin, but tiz a nuther to proov it. my memries of it wood make it seem lack i wuz always a good teachur, that twuz whut i wuz born n made to do. i lack to member it thataway n fack is, i wood git awards fer teachin a lil later in life, but the evidents dont back up that thesis. i wood lack the thesis fer this chaptur to be sumthin lack 'i found whut i wuz born to do whenever i gut in frunt of a class n showd the worl whut a grate teachur i wuz.'

problem is, teachin a class is tiz all bout yer students, n whenever ye git dun readin this here lil deescripshun of whut my students wuz lack that furst class, wurkin my way round the class frum the feller that sat in the furst seat on the far left row of seats, witch that wood be mark bandy, yer likely to cum up with a cumpletely differnt thesis:

1. Mark Bandy had a crooked nose and a nasty habit of speaking out of only one side of his mouth. This gave him a sarcastic or ironic look, even though he didn't have any talent for using or understanding irony at all. But his crooked nose was helpful in making him look intelligent. He chose ridiculous topics that were impossible to support, such as the differences between two gurls, one of whom he liked, the other he resented for not liking him. He had problems coming up with actual sentences since he didn't have any idea where one sentence ended and the next began. Mark got a "C" from me, a gift.
2. Sitting directly behind Mark was Steve Adams, a roly-poly kid with a greasy face who knew plenty about cars and nothing about writing. He was one of my three "no-credits." The other two didn't even show up very often. Steve worked hard to no effect due to his refusal to face the fact that a complete sentence requires both a subject and a predicate.
3. Another Steve, Steve Harrison, sat behind Steve Adams. He was a very tall, well-built fellow who wuz so muscled up he couldn't sit comfortably. He had intense brown eyes and the look of someone who might go over the deep end someday. He knew more about farming than I realized a person could know. He gut off to a rather slow start on due to being hampered by dialect interference, but he mastered most everything we went over in class and got to the point where he could write a "C" essay in class. In short, he earned his "C." It so happened that we had the same birthday, and I was a little surprised to learn he had a fiance and wanted to drop out of school to get married. I was smart enough for once to keep my mouth shut and let him make his own mistakes.
4. In the front of the next row sat Jake Mitchell, Steve Adams' best friend. Jake was a solid "B" student. He had a vivid imagination though he chose difficult topics. He worked hard on his papers, but he couldn't get past a "B" due to his picking such poor topics. For example, one of his ideas for a paper was to use Coke vs. Pepsi for his compare and contrast essay, but he couldn't find anything to say about the two drinks other than that he liked coke better. Even with that, he couldn't say exactly why except that the taste was better. We had a long conference during which I tried to get him to define what it was about the taste he liked better, but he couldnt find anything more to say about it than "It tastes better."
5. After Jake came another Steve, Steve Johnson, a tall lad with lank black hair and very blue eyes. Steve was an "A" student all the way: chose great topics, had a creative imagination and good espression, a great ear for dialogue, which he used to fine effect, and a competitive nature that made him want to make sure his essays were the very best in the class. He wrote at least four "readables." I liked giving attention to work that was well done, so I called some essays "readables," which meant they were worthy or reading to the class and using to show how one constructs a good essay. Steve Johnson called me up at home almost every day to discuss his paper, its organization, its approach, the exact wording of his thesis, you name it. He was the only student to attempt using irony. When the class ended, he sent me a note of thanks for working so hard with him.
6. Perry Manor sat behind Steve Johnson. Perry was a broad shouldered man built a lot like a bull. He picked the most difficult possible topics to cover and wrote every essay on current events -- the rioting in England, the strength of the NATO pact, the abiliity of the US Navy to defend us in the Persian Gulf. He didn't want to research his topics and relied upon his father's view of the world to make his points, which suffered from lack of supporting evidence.
7. Behind him sat a puzzle of a young woman named Carol Chivas. She had huge dirty blue eyes and messy hair that seemed to have been oiled. Maybe she just never washed it much. Carol probably had a lot of ability, but she didn't want to share it with the class, perhaps due to being a little on the lazy side. Her dream in life was to become an air traffic controller, and that was her topic for several essays. She was a strong supporter of Ronald Reagan and figured his firing the Air Traffic Controllers Union gave her a chance at a good career. She was wise for her age in many ways, hated being treated as if she were younger than I, and the liked to spend our student conferences proving to me that she saw through the pretensions of her fellow students. She was the very difinition of your no-nonsense person and she got a "B" from me though both she and I knew she could have earned an "A" if she had been willing to push herself even the least little bit.
8. Wilkie Martin, from Seymour, Tennessee, sat in the first seat of the next row. He worked very hard, struggled against a thick accent and the fact that he looked as if he were just about to experience puberty. He was a little immature, but he knew his grammar and he was willing to play the game of school. That was good enough for him to earn a "B."
9. Rose Edmunds was a wild looking blonde student with dark brown eyes, about three inches of extra padding, and too much makeup. She sat behind Wilkie for the first half of the class and then just disappeared. I never learned what happened to her. He father was a dentist and her description essay was a good one describing in gory detail the look on the faces of patients who were getting root canal surgery. She received an "NC."
10. Peter Barinson was a golfer, an older student with stiff brown hair and bright blue eyes. If he showed up at all, he sat behind Rose. He was always dressed as if he were about to play eighteen holes every time he came to class, complete with his sun visor. He wrote only about sports and could call me at home after he had disappeared for a couple of classes. He required a lot of help to come through with a "C."
11. Right in the middle of the class sat a rich young girl named Wanda Jeffries. She had very long legs, her best feature. She liked to display them in such a way as nearly to cause me to lose my place in class. It was no surprise to learn she planned to become a dancer someday. She would wear the latest fashions, smile a lot, and flirt with me. It even seemed as if she wanted to tease me by crossing and recrossing her legs. I hated how programmed I was. I didn't seem able to keep from trying to get a peek when she would sit with her legs spread or go through her elaborate leg-crossing routein. She was one of the worst writers in the class, though I think she could have written well. She had freckles and hated them, so she wore too much makeup. The same was true of her writing. She seemed to think that if she wore out her thesaurus, she would come up with good writing. Instead, it was ridiculous. Just as her makeup hid how beautiful she might have been, her odd use of words ruined her writing. Yet she worked as hard as anyone in the class. I had a policy that a student could rewrite any paper that had received an "NC," so she rewrote all of hers. I must have read three of her papers for every one that was assigned. She really earned her "C," which made me wonder what all the flirting was about.
12. Behind her sat her best friend, Nancy Thomas. Nancy was one of the best students in the class. She was poised and wrote polished prose with perfect grammar and no real point. She was like her friend Wanda in her overuse of makeup. She had a boyfriend and would stand outside the class door hugging and kissing him till the last possible minute. Then whe would rush in wearing a contented smile and apologizing for being late. She and I had a major problem during the class due to my catching her plagiarising, but she confessed and rewrote the paper. She got a "C" and considered it charity, but the truth was, she could easily have received an "A."
13. My biggest problem sat behind Nancy, a student named Paul Richardson. He was very white skinned, almost an albino. He sweated a lot and couldn't keep his oily hair out of his jet black eyes. His main problem was that he refused to follow the assignment. He wanted to experiment with language and that led to pages without predicates, verb forms without precedents. He worked very hard on terrible topics such as whether green appeared green to everyone or looked different to different people. The problem was that he had no way to determine any of the evidence since he could only see the green he saw and couldn't write anything valid about what he assumed others saw. He also cheated once. I caught a comma splice -- two sentences glued together with a simple comma -- and circled it, but he put an period on top of the comma to make it into a semicolon and then challenged my grading. I shamed him to his face after that, in private, but I promised I would be happy to read his work to the class to demonstrate what a person should avoid, and that shut him up. He was angry when I gave him a "C," but from my point of view, it was a gift.
14. Next was Havery Nichols, an older student, veteran of the Navy. He usually came in late, carrying his motocycle helmet. He had life long acne troubles and wanted to grow a moustache so much that he'd let his ten or twelve whiskers get long enough that he could suck them into his mouth or twirl them together to make them look thicker. It seemed an odd thing for such a smart, aware, honest fellow to do. He earned a "B" and could have done a lot better. He wrote about motorcycles in every essay except one about being fleeced at a Memphis strip joint.
15. In the front seat of the next row say Karen Williams, a chubby girl with a perpetual smile on her face. She sat chewing and sucking on her pen, gazing wide-eyed at me. She barely made a "C." She was cute and lovable, but she suffered from having been raised in a very sheltered environment. Her funniest line was writing that a car was a necessity for "youth."
16. Behind her sat Morton Benjamin, a tall, dark-skinned dummy with a terrible case of pimples and greasy black hair cut in bangs. He was one of those guys who is always working on some electronic gadget and who loved to play practical jokes on people. He didn't have any imagination to speak of and had to use Sharee Jefferson's (student #19 in this list) topics in order to get a "C."
17. Rusty Roberts sat behind Mort. He was a fat one with bright red cheeks, clear blue eyes and curly brown hair. He worked at TV 26. Every paper he wrote was about TV. He earned a "B."
18. The most interesting student in the class was a woman from Lebanon named Juliana Abdul. She was older than the other students by about ten or twelve years. She seemed to be in a state of steady, burning anger at the injustice of the world. She lived at the YWCA, wore tattered shoes and raggedy clothing. She kept as quiet as a mouse during most of the class, until we neared the end of the quarter, when we discussed Jonathan Swift's essay, "A Modest Proposal." Suddenly she came to life and helped me show the rest of the class how that little essay had significance even in modern America. She was married to an Arab she hadn't met, the only reason being to help him get his green card. She got trips to Greece and Palestine out of the deal. She got a "B" in the class and worked very hard on her writing, which was worth doing since she had a lot to say and a unique point of view.
19. Next was Sharee Jefferson, a very skinny, brown-eyed girl with mousy brown hair and the common problem of using too much makeup. She had no imagination, but she had the rules of grammar down cold. She was the classic "B" student. When I apologized for allowing Morton Benjamin to use her topics, she laughed and said, "Oh that Mort! He's so crazy.'
20. My last "A" student was a girl named Neely Lawrence. She was a very shy woman who was a little on the plump side. She hadn't ever written an essay before taking my class, but she had read Gone with the Wind twelve times and dozens of other books, which explains why she could write so well.
21. Cam Russell came next. He was a lifeguard who looked like a surfer with dry blond hair, freckles and darl blue eyes. He had the best intentions but was too lazy to do much about them. He loved to preach the gospel and tried to convert me through his essays. He used fine examples in his efforts and earned a "B," even if he couldn't write a 500 word essay in class.
22. Finally, there was Mindy Crouse, a beautiful but brainless girl with honey blonde hair, brown eyes and a mouth she kept half open all the time, giving her a gaping, stupid espression. She wrote so many long, boring essays that it makes me a little sleepy to think back on it. She conquered her pernicious problems with subject-verb agreement, so I gave her a "C."

once that class wuz over, i had me a real good feelin. i felt lack i had dun sum good, even ifn these kids wuz more spoild than i could know till i had been out teachin a lil more. twuz my furst class, n ifn me n miz bd has the money whenever tiz time to reetire frum wall street, i plan to teach a class or two. i wisht i could afford to doot now.

but now that i look back on whut i writ bout them students, i kin see i wuznt no differnt frum all tuther grad stoodents. i had that know-it-all poitn of view n nuthin but contemp fer my students. i couldnt see it then, couldnt see how much i had to larn. fer that matter, i dint larn my stoodents much of nuthin bout ritin but jes pointed out who alreddy knew how to doot. ifn they dint know, i dint know how to get em thar, with sum minor eggcepshuns. ifn i wuz givin a grade on my teachin after all these years, i wood probly give myself a 'c' . . . but twood be a gift.

pinions of buddy don: differnt strokes

cuple notes.

1. furst, i real eyes jes how awful chaptur 124 cum out so far, so i dun struck it sos i kin rite it over agin, witch i gut to go to wurk fer a bit today, so i mite not git toot today.
2. last nite, me n miz bd joined a cuple folks frum wurk fer a lil talk down at keens chophouse, witch tiz noted fer have a menu with 204 differnt sangle malt scotches to choose frum. whenever we orderd, we gut us sum scotch, sum isle of jura superstishun n sum bowmore dusk, witch we wuz sprized by how grate the bowmore wuz, even better than the isle of jura, but thay wuz bofem delishus. our guests gut sum cheap wine n sum rum. then whenever we orderd dinner -- vegtabull plate fer miz bd, wild salmon fer me -- they couldnt bleeve we wuznt ordern stakes or 'red meat,' witch we dont eat no meat ceptn fish now n agin. thang wuz, fer them the hole point of keens is the stakes n chops. fer us, tiz the scotch. futher proof bout how everbidy sees thangs differnt.
3. finely, ye kin see i gut my blog back to whar taint a mess all over the place. i caint say whut went rong, but my text wuz in my sidebar n ye couldnt hardly tell whar one thang ended n the next begun. so to fix it, i copied all the contents into a wurd document (sos i could save the lanks) n did the same into notepad (sos i could git rid of all formattin). then i copied the text back frum notepad n fussed with it long as i could stand it till it looked kindly ok. then i copied in the lanks frum the wurd document n crossd my fangers n held my thumbs, witch thats how ye cross yer fangers ifn yer czech, n click on the publish post button. it dont make me lack blogger no better, but it gut the mess cleaned up. dont read this ifn yer happy with blogger (july 22 post).

anger of buddy don: whut happend here?

i jes published a simple post, witch ye kin see it below, but after i dun it, blogger killed my hole page. i dont know how it dun it. tiz a shame how they caint leave well a nuff alone.

pinions of buddy don: name that flip flopper

Osama bin Laden

9/12/2001:

Speaking with reporters after a Pentagon briefing on plans to call up reserve troops, Bush offered some of his most blunt language to date when he was asked if he wanted bin Laden dead.  "I want justice," Bush said. "And there's an old poster out West… I recall, that said, 'Wanted, Dead or Alive.'"

3/13/2002:

As I say, we hadn't heard much from him. And I wouldn't necessarily say he's at the center of any command structure. And, you know, again, I don't know where he is. I'll repeat what I said: I truly am not that concerned about him.

 

Nation Building

10/3/2000:

The vice president and I have a disagreement about the use of troops. He believes in nation building. I would be very careful about using our troops as nation builders. I believe the role of the military is to fight and win war and therefore prevent war from happening in the first place. So I would take my responsibility seriously. And it starts with making sure we rebuild our military power. Morale in today's military is too low. We're having trouble meeting recruiting goals. We met the goals this year, but in the previous years we have not met recruiting goals. Some of our troops are not well-equipped. I believe we're overextended in too many places.

10/17/2001:

The administration's nation-building doesn't stop with Afghanistan. Last week, it brokered a deal with Uzbekistan that commits the United States to protect the security of that former Soviet republic. The agreement shields the Uzbek government, which has permitted U.S. aircraft to operate from its airfields, from retaliation by the Taliban regime.

1/9/2004:

"There is no question that the force is stretched too thin," said David Segal, director of the Center for Research on Military Organization at the University of Maryland. "We have stopped treating the reserves as a force in reserve. Our volunteer army is closer to being broken today than ever before in its 30-year history."

 

Gay Marriage

2000 Campaign:

Asked in a televised debate before the South Carolina primary in February 2000 what he would tell a state that was voting on same-sex marriage, Bush said: "The states can do what they want to do.''  In a televised debate that October, Cheney said he did not "think there should necessarily be a federal policy in this area.''

2/25/2004:

President Bush endorsed a constitutional amendment Tuesday that would restrict marriage to two people of the opposite sex but leave open the possibility that states could allow civil unions. "The union of a man and a woman is the most enduring human institution, honored and encouraged in all cultures and by every religious faith," Bush said.  "Marriage cannot be severed from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening the good influence of society." The president said he decided to endorse an amendment because of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court's recent decision granting marriage rights to same-sex couples, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's decision two weeks ago to begin giving marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples.

 

CO2

2000 Campaign:

In his campaign for the White House, Bush had pledged (boldly, for a former oilman and the governor of a conservative, oil-dependent state) to fight for a new law to reduce air pollution from power plants, including the United States' first-ever legal restrictions on carbon dioxide.

March 13, 2001:

On March 13, President Bush announced that he does not support mandatory reductions for emissions of carbon dioxide from power plants, despite some support for "multipollutant" legislation requiring power plants to reduce emissions of sulfur dioxide, nitrogen oxides, mercury and carbon dioxide. Bush cited a Department of Energy report which said CO2 emission caps could cause a dramatic shift from coal to natural gas for electric generation, resulting in "significantly higher electricity prices." AISI opposes the regulation of carbon dioxide, either in mandatory reduction regimes (like the Kyoto Protocol) or in treating CO2 as a "pollutant."

my simple point: neethur candidate has the market cornerd on flip-floppin. even that famous supplemental spendin bill that kerry voted for it before he voted agin it, twuz two differnt bills, one that wooda made shore we paid fer the bill, witch thatns the one kerry voted fer (bush threatend to veto thatn), tuther that wooda borried more money frum our grandkids to pay fer the bill. ye kin read all bout how thatns bein used to play voters fer fools here. 

life of buddy don, chaptur 124: teachin my furst class

in the summer of 1981, i gut to teach a english class all by myself fer the furst time. i had dun parts of classes with the hep of reglar instructers durin my furst year of grad skool, but they dint allow ye to teach a class all yer own till ye had made it thru the furst year. me n emily dint wonta go find no minimum wage entry level jobs fer the summer n we luved skool, so twuz only natcherul how we wood take classes n all. thats how i cum to have a summer class.

as ye know ifn ye been payin much tenchun to whut amurka valus on the basis of whut tiz willin to pay, ye know that teachin is bout at the level of takin orders at mack donalds. i reckun that could be on a counta how tiz a reeward all by its ownself. ye wurk long hours n take wurk home with ye n give up a day or two of ever weekend to gradin papers n makin lessun plans, but whenever ye walk back tords yer home at the end of a day, ye git a grate feelin that ye dun sumthin good fer the worl. ifn twernt fer that, we wood probly have to cum up with a way of payin our teachurs a lil bettern we do. but as they say, we gut other priorties.

the way they wurked it back in the 80s at utk, ever freshman had to take three english classes, witch they wuz organized thisaway: furst quarter, ye teach em basick composishun -- how to rite 500 wurd essays using the followin forms: deescripshun, narrative, compar n contrast, process or how to do sumthin, argument, n so forth. the idee wuz to teach yung riters how to put together evidents to prove sum kinda point, witch they name that point the thesis. i lacked teachin this class on a counta ye had a chants to teach folks how to make good arguments based on bleevabull evidents. ye dint teach em whut to thank, but ye had to teach em how, lease to sum extent.

innywho, frum the instunt i gut in frunt of my own class, i knew i had dun found the thang i could do bes in life. i wood be a'doin it today ifn it wood pay a livin wage, witch it dont cum close to the wages they pay fer janitors n seckataries n cumputer tecks. i larnt that a few years later when i wuz near broke n went up to new york city, a'thankin i could git better money fer teachin than i gut in tennessee, but twernt to be. thay wuz jobs fer folks who had good english n could type, so i gut a job as a secketary n made near twice the money i made fer teachin. aint that a good deal fur amurka?

thang bout teachin a class is tiz all bout yer students, so heres a lil deescripshun of whut my students wuz lack that furst class, wurkin my way round the class frum the feller that sat in the furst seat on the far left row of seats, witch that wood be mark bandy:

1. mark had a crooked nose n a habit of speakin outta only one side of his mouth, witch that made im look a lil sarcastic or even ironick, even tho he dint have no talent fer usin or even understandin irony atall, so his crooked nose wuz hepful in makin him look lack he wuz intelligent. he writ on the sorriest topicks ye kin magine, lack the differnts twixt two gurls, witch he lacked the one but not tuther. he had problems with cumin up with a real sentence on a counta he dint have no good idee whar one sentence ended n the nex begun. mark gut im a 'c' mark frum me.
2. in back of mark wuz steve adams, a roly-poly kid with a greasy face who knew plenty bout cars n nuthin bout ritin. he wuz one of my three 'no-credits,' witch tuther two dint even show up. steve wurked hard to ne effeck on a counta how he refused to face tht fack that a cumplete sentence has gut to have both a subject n a predicut.
3. tuther steve, steve harrison, sat behine steve adams. he wuz a verr tall feller with too minny muscles to be able to sit cumfterbull, intense brown eyes n the look of sumbidy that jes mite go over the deep end by sundown. he knew more bout farmin than i speckted ye could know. he gut off to a verr slow start on a counta how he wuz hamperd by whut they call dialeck innerferents, but he gut to whar he masterd most of the thangs i wuz trine to teach im. he earned his 'c.' turnt out we had the same birthday n twuz a sprize to larn how he had im a fee-on-say n wonted to drop outta skool n git marrd, witch i wuz smart a nuff fer once to keep my mouth shut n let im make his own miss takes.
4. next row we had jake mitchell, witch he wuz steve adams' bes friend n a solid 'b' student. he had a grate maginayshun but chose terrbull topicks. he wurked hard on them papers, but he wooda gut nuthin but 'a' marks ifn he wooda chose better subjecks. fer eggzample, he cum up with the idee of usin coke vs. pepsi fer his compar n contrast, but he couldnt cum up with nuthin to say bout em ceptn how he lacked coke better, witch he couldnt even splain thatn more specifick than, 'it tastes better.'
5. back of jake wuz a nuther steve, a tall feller with lank black hair n vlue eyes. he wuz a 'a' student all the way -- chose grate topicks, had a vivid maginayshun, n wurked verr hard to make his essays the bes in the class. he writ at lease four 'readabulls,' witch i calld essays that wuz good a nuff to read out loud a 'readabull.' he wood call me up mos everday to discuss his paper topicks n organizayshun n approach n he wuz thonly student to attempt usin irony. whenever the class ended, he give me a note to thank me fer wurkin so hard to teach im.
6. perry manor sat behin steve. he wuz a broad sholderd feller built kindly lack a bull. he picked the mos difficult topicks, generly relayted to current events such as the riotin in england, the strength of nato or the ability of the us to defend itself in the pershun gulf.
7. behin him wuz a puzzle of a lass name of carol chivas, witch she had huge dirty blue eyes n messy hair. seemed lack she had loads of abilty, but she wudnt a'gone unload nun of it fer my class. she wuz hopin to becum a air traffick cuntroller n writ sevrul times bout the controversy when raygun fired em all. she wuz wise fer her age, hated bein treated lack a kid n tended to see thru the pretenshuns of her feller students. she wuz the definishun of yer no-nonsense type n she gut a 'b,' even tho she coulda gut a 'a' purty easy.
8. wilkie martin wuz frum seymour tennessee n sat in the frunt of the nex row. twuz the middle row n i thunk of it as the trubled row. he wurked  verr hard, struggled agin a thick ackcent n his yung look, witch he wuz a lil immature but knew how to rite correck grammar n such. that gut im a 'b.'
9. rose edmunds wuz a wild lookin blond with dark brown eyes, too much paddin, n too much makeup. she sat behin wilkie fer the furst half of the class n then jes disappeard. i never could figger why. her daddy wuz a dentist n she rote sum vivid deescripshuns of gory dental procedures. she gut a 'nc.'
10. pete barinson wuz a golfer n older student with stiff brown hair n blue eyes. ifn he showed up, he sat behin rose. he dressd lack he wuz jes bout to go play 18 holes ever time he cum to class, cumplete with sun visor. he rote bout nuthin but sports n wood call me at home after he had dun disappeard fer a cuple days. i had to hep im a lot, witch he cum thru with a 'c.'
11. rite smack dab in the middle of the hole class wuz a rich gurl name of wanda jeffries. wanda had her a long pair of legs, witch ye could git lost without a map jes a lookin at em, n twuz no sprize how she wonted to be a dancer sumday. she wood wear the latest fashuns, smile a lot, rite terrbull prose n pored on the makeup on a counta how she dint lack havin freckuls, witch that only cuverd up how beeyootiful she coulda been. but she wurked verr hard. i had a policy whar ifn ye gut a 'f' on a paper, ye could rite a nuthern. i musta red three of hers fer ever one by innybidy else, witch she really earned her 'c.'
12. nex cum her bes friend, nancy thomas. nancy wuz one of the bes students in the class. she wuz polishd n poised n rote perfeck but pointless prose. she wuz lack her frien in how she cuverd up how purty she wuz with way too much makeup.. she had her a boyfriend, witch they wood be standin outside the class a'huggin n kissin till the las mint. then here she wood cum in a big hurry a'wearin a smile to pall gize fer bein late. we had us a majur problem durin the class, witch i caught her plagurizin. she cunfessd so i dint make nuthin more of it. she gut a 'c,' witch she figgerd twuz charity, but twuznt. she coulda gut a 'a.'
13. my biggest problem sat behin nancy, wtich his name suz paul richardson. he wuz verr white skinned, sweated a lot n couldnt keep his oily black hair outta his verr black eyes. his mane problem wuz how he woodnt never foller the assignment. he wonted to eggspearmint with langwage, witch that led to pages without predicuts, verb forms without precedents. he wurked hard on terrbull topicks lack whuther green wuz green to everbidy or looked differnt to differnt folks, witch he couldnt never figger how to splain how he knew how color looked to nobidy besides his ownself. he cheated once when i had caught him jammin two sentences together with nuthin but a comma, witch the tecknickull term fer thatn is a comma splice. after i had dun graded the paper n dinged im fer the miss take, he put a lil period over his comma n then cum with the lie that he had put in a semi-colon all along. i shamed him to his face after that, only twuz in private. i sed i wood be happy to read his paper to the class as a warnin bout whut ye orta not do, witch that shut im up, but he wuz mad whenever he gut a 'c,' witch that wuz a gift frum me to him.
14. next cum harvey daniels, witch he wuz older, a vetern of the navy. he always cum in late a'haulin a motorcycle helmut. he had acne trubles n wonted to grow a mustache so bad that he let his ten or twelve whiskers grow till they wuz long a nuff fer im to suck em into his mouth or twirl em together sos they looked a lil thicker than they wuz. twuz a odd thang fer such a smart, aware, honest feller to do. he earned a 'b' n coulda dun better. he rote bout motorcycles in ever essay ceptn one bout bein fleeced in a memphis strip joint.
15. sittin in the frunt seat of the nex row wuz karen williams, a chubby gurl with a perpetchul smile on her face who sat suckin on her pen n gazin wide-eyed at me. she barly made a 'c.' cute, lovabull, karen sufferd frum havin been razed in a verr shleterd environment whar she thought a car wuz a necessaity fer 'youth.'
16. nex cum morton benjamin, a tall dark-skinned dummy with terrbul pimples n greasy black hair cut in bangs. he wuz one of them fellers that lacks to tinker elecktronick deevices n pull practicull jokes on folks. he dint have no imaginayshun n had to use sharee jeffersons paper topicks in order to git a 'c.'
17. rusty roberts sat behin mort. he wuz a chubby one with bright red cheeks, bright blue eyes n clean curly brown hair. he wurked at tv 26 n ever paper wuz about tv, witch he gut a 'b.'
18. the mos innerestin student in the class wuz a woman frum lebanon name of juliana abdul, witch she wuz older tuther students by bout a decade n mad as a wet hen at the worl. she lived at the ywca, wore tatterd shoes n raggedy cloze n kep quite as a mouse durin the class till the verr end whenever we discussed jonathan swift's a modest proposal. all of a sudden, she cum to life n hepped me show the rest of the class how that lil essay had significunts in modern amurka. she wuz marrd to a arab she hadnt never met on a counta he needed to git his green card, witch she gut trips to greece n palestine outta the deal. she gut a 'b' n needed to wurk a lot on her ritin, witch she had thangs wurth sayin.
19. nex cum sharee jefferson, a verr skinny, brown eyed gurl with mousy brown hair n the common problem of usin too much makeup. she dint have no imaginayshun but she had the rules of grammar down cold, witch she wuz the classick 'b' student. when i pall gized to her fer allowin mort to copy her paper topicks, she anserd, 'of that mort! he's so crazy.'
20. my las 'a'a student wuz a gurl name of neely lawrence. she wuz a verr shy gurl who wuz a lil too plump. she hadnt never once writ a essay befor cummin to utk, but she had red gone with the wind twelve times n dozens of other books, witch thats how she larned to rite so well.
21. cam russell cum nex, witch he wuz a lifeguard that looked lack a surfer with dry blong hair, freckles n bright blue eyes. he had the bes intenchuns but wuz too lazy to do much about em. he loved to preach teh gospel in his papers n used grate eggzamples n wonted to cunvert me. he earned a 'b,' even ifn he couldnt rite no 500 wurd essay in class.
22. finely thay wuz mindy crouse, a beeyootifull brainless gurl with honey blond hair, brown eyes and a mouth that she kep half open all the time in a stoopid gapin eggspreshun all the time. she rote so minny long borin essays that it makes me sleepy to thank back on it. seh conquerd her pernischus problems with subjeck-verb agreement, so i give her a 'c.'

once that class wuz over, i had me a real good feelin. i knew i had dun sum good, even ifn these kids wuz more spoild than i could know till i had been out teachin a lil more. twuz my furst class, n ifn me n miz bd has the money whenever tiz time to reetire frum wall street, i plan to teach a class or two. i wisht i could afford to doot now.

pinions of buddy don: playin with langwage

as ye mite coulda dun figgerd out by now, i luv langwage n langwages n all the varyus ways ye kin play with it. so i figgerd i wood put down a few 'snatches' i dun colleckted, witch a snatch is when ye overhear part of a conversayshun when yer walkin along. sumtimes it suggests a hole story line n sumtimes tiz jes fun. heres a few i colleckted on the streets of man hattan with a cuple frum bankers, witch they make verr creativ use of langwage.

1. "He was like, so? But I was like, dream on."
2. "I avoid his plague."
3. "I would hovel at your feet."
4. "He's a social piranha."
5. "She was suffering from a pre-existing maternal condition."
6. "I mean, I should have my face cleaned for him?"
7. "You don't want to open that bag of worms."
8. "I didn't say a mother f**king thing he said I said except for the motherf**king things he said I said that I said I said, motherf**ker!"
9. frum a banker: "Get over to the client, dance between the raindrops, and don't get us any more pregnant than we already are."
10. thisns one of my faverts. i herd it frum two of the biggest investment bankers thay wuz whar i used to wurk. i had jes cum into the mens room n wuz standin in front of the urinal twixt these two fellers when one sed tuther: "Any inside poop on who's to be anointed chief monkey wrench in the new snafu, or is that still underhat?"

i also lack to read how hillbillies sound tuther folks, so without revealin who rote thisn (by request of the author), heres how hillbilly sounds when sumbidy from scotland rites it:

"Deear Mom n Pop
Ah did reel goode oan mah eengliz eagzam. Ah wel tell y'all ahboot et oan oar nxt telephonication conversationne.

Wer boath well, Hop y'all ar two. We are goan up to Gatlinburg again thiz weekend and will be innncommune-icado from Friday until Sunday nite, stayin at a reel nice shalley so ***** [name withheld by request] telz me. Verry sory weel not be abel to tok. We will hav much to tolk about the necks wikend. 

***** luvvd hiz prezintz we had much LAFFIN ovir th book picshers an ah thoat th big simmit wiz reel classey.

Meen wile, ***** iz havvin appoplexi ovir the scoatlind/americy rugbi scoare but woant tel me wy!! (cood it bee that scoatlind WUNNE???). ah huv to weight til tomoro til its' oan oor teevee to fin oot- heez no tellin me nuthin.

luv te ye boath"

life of buddy don, chaptur 123: saturdy nite fever

durin the summer of 1981 we gut a visit frum sum of the folks we made friends with over in west germany, witch the furstns to cum wuznt our good friends frieda n erika but sum otherns that i dont reckon i hardly mentchuned befor now. twuz a verr sloppy fat gurl name of barbra n a friend of hers frum austria name of katrine. they cum to stay fer a few days in august, witch they gut in on a fridy n lef the nex windsdy. barbra wuz manely friends with emily n we hadnt never met katrine before barbra brung her over to amurka.
 
i hadnt never lacked barbra much. fer one thang, she wuz a verr librul kinda german, witch that meant she lacked to call the west germany 'ein mordstaat,' witch that means a murder state. she also lacked to say amurka wuz much wurser on a counta how we had too minny guns n settled everthang by violence. thang is, i dint disagree cumpletely with everthang she sed, but it botherd me a lot fer sumbidy frum germany to critisize our cuntry. twernt as if i couldnt see nuthin rong with us, but she dint have no rite to say nuthin on a counta how she hadnt never been thar.
 
as it happend, randy fox had jes gut out of the hospitull agin. he wuz walkin on crutches, but he could drive n git round bout as good as he ever could. he cum by to visit a few mints after barbra n katrine had put away thar stuff in the spar bedroom we used fer a study, witch they had brung em sum sleepin bags to roll out over the floor to sleep on. seem lack randy wuz sweet on katrine frum the instunt he met her so he volunteerd to take em to see the sites in oak ridge on saturdy. emily tuck em round the campus to show em thangs thar on fridy n we went out to los charros fer dinner that nite, witch twuz the furst time they had ever eat inny mexican food n they seemd to lack it purty good.
 
after that cum the group, witch we had our meetins ever fridy at 8 pm n frum the furstn we had, we dint miss fer nigh onto three years. them gurls sat quite n dint say nuthin while everbidy red, but they wuz impressd that folks in amurka wood do sumthin lack that. they figgerd thay wuznt much readin a'goin on in amurka. fer them, twuz spozed to be all lack the wild west or sumthin. but randy smith cum to the meetin fer the furst time. he wuz hopin to git the gurls to do sumthin when twuz over, but they wuz still jet-lagged n verr tired, so they made plans fer the nex day whar he wood show em the sites of oak ridge.
 
nex day we studied frum early to late. i wuz teachin my furst class all alone n seemed lack i had papers to grade ever spar mint of the day or nite. fer one thang, frum the verr furst time i ever taught inny ritin, i had this idee that they way ye learn is by ritin as much as ye kin. so i gut my class to rite sumthin evertime we met, witch that meant i had to grade whut they writ n thay wuz 25 of them n jes the one of me. but i bleeved in whut i wuz a'doon n figgerd twuz the way to teach. i used to tell em that ifn i wuz teachin em to play basketball, we wood git out on the court n see could we dribble n pass n shoot. twoodnt do to sit readin bout others playin basketball ifn we wonted to larn to doot too. twuz the same with ritin. ye gut to rite to larn how to rite.
 
innywho, that evenin brew n maisie cum over. we gut to playin cards n purty soon randy cum in with the gurls. seems lack they wuz gittin along purty good n he splained how we wuz all a'gonna out in the evenin so he could show our visters sum of the local nitelife.  he ast did we all wonta go. maisie had to git home sos she could wurk the nex day, but brew n emily agreed to go out together. we drove out alcoa hiway to a place they used to have out thar name of uncle sams. twuz still a'doin the disco thang n they kep the musick verr loud. we had us a cuple dranks before emily sed she had dun had a nuff. brew felt the same way, so they lef. i wonted to go, but randy begged me to stay on a counta otherwise he figgerd the gurls wood go too.
 
so we had us a nuther drank n the gurls danced a lil bit. randy gut em out in the car to smoke sum of theevil weed, witch they hadnt never had no weed before, jes hashish. they gut to cumplainin that they dint lack the sound system n the way it felt lack bein in a huge warehouse, witch i reckon thats jes whut the place wuz befor twuz changed into a nite club. they also dint lack the sound system, witch barbra sed twuz verr bass heavy. they also sed twuz way too conservativ. randy dint generly put up with folks attackin his place, but he wuz still a'hopin he could git kartine to spend a lil time alone with him, witch she seemd rite sweet on the idee ceptn fer how barbra dominated everthang.
 
innywho, randy ast em did they wonta see a differnt kinda bar n wood they be insulted ifn he tuck em to a gay bar. twuz jes whut they wuz a'hopin to see, so we drove back into knoxvull to the campus. thay used to be a bar over behind the scottish rite temple on 16th street name of the carousel, so randy tuck us thar. twuz a fack that the musick wuz better n not quite so bass heavy, but twuz still a lil too loud to talk. that dint matter nun on a counta how randy gut to dance one slow dance with katrine, witch she had to practically hold him up n it kindly seemd lack thangs wuz hedded in the rite die-reckshun, lease cordin to whut randy wuz hopin fer.
 
but twernt to be. we stayed till i sed i could walk home n leave them with a key, but they wuz tired n wonted to go also. so we gut up n hepped randy git his crutches set n then lef. we hadnt hardly gut out to the car in the parkin lot befor we herd sumbidy a'hollerin at us. i turnt my hed to see who twuz n thar wuz four of the fattest rednecks i ever seen. thay wuz claimin that randy had stubbed the big toe on the meanest one of em on his way out. i walked over twixt us n them n splained how twuz a acksident n ye could see how randy wuz on crutches. i sed we dint wont no truble, but bout then, thangs went black.
 
turnt out the feller i wuz talkin to hauled off n knocked me down with jes one punch. by time i cum to, i could see whar the biggest amung em wuz attackin randy. i gut up to offer hep, but tuther three fellers cum twixt us n ast did i wonta git beat up too. randy wuz over by his car claimin how he had im a uzi in his trunk n quick as he gut it, them four rednecks wuz a'gone be ded. they wuz laffin on a counta they wuznt no way they wood let im git nuthin outten his truck.
 
durin the hole thang, randy never quit insultin the feller attackin him, sayin thangs lack, 'well aint yew brave, attackin a feller on crutches. i bet ye kin beat up yer own grandmother. aint yew jes the bravest asshole that ever farted.' he kep it up, usin wurds thats too ugly to rite here lack mutherfucker n such. the feller wuz cussin randy rite back fer movin so much n dodgin the blows to whar the feller wood miss n hit the car n hurt his hand n cuss a blue streak n then try to hit im agin till he finely wrenched one of the crutches a'loose n started hittin randy with it, only randy dint go down till the feller gut both crutches frum him n then tripped him n threw the crutches over into the bushes whar randy couldnt git to em.
 
bout then they grabbed me n give me a cuple punches in the belly n knocked me down. by time i gut back up, katrine had found my glasses n give em to me. barbra had gone to git randys crutches, so he wuz propped up on em n trine to git his trunk open, but them four fellers had gut up in thar pickup by then. they pulled up nex to us. thay wuz two of em ridin in the back. one of em had im a shotgun, witch he trained it rite on randy n dared im to try openin his trunk. in sted, randy put his hands up bes he could while holdin onto his crutches. the fellers laffed n drove off.
 
i cunvinced randy not to git out his uzi on a counta how them fellers wuz long gone by then. in sted, he tuck us home. he ast me did i real eyes how bad i looked, witch i had me a black eye n my nose wuz bloody but i hadnt noticed nuthin. i tole im he looked wurser, witch that gut him into the car sos he could check the mirror. innywho, we finely lef n he dint even try to cum up. twuz purty clear that them gurls dint wont nuthin to do with us innymore, n fack is, they lef the nex day in sted of waitin till windsdy.
 
but the wurse moment cum after we gut home. the gurls wuz verr eggcited over whut had happend n they wonderd could they call home to splain to thar folks how they wuz all rite. i dint wont em to on a counta thar folks dint know nuthin had happend, but they give emily a twenty dollar bill to pay fer the call, witch i couldnt say nuthin. emily wonted to take keer of my face, witch i tole her twuz ok but i finely real eyesed she needed to doot so i let her. meanwhile, i couldnt hep but listen in while barbra splained how amurka wuz jes as violent as she had thunk twuz n she wuz jes happy nobidy had gut shot. ye wooda thought it hadda been the shootout at the ok corral.
 
thay wuznt nuthin we could say. i wuz glad they wonted to leeve nex day on a counta i felt such hatred fer how thay wuz so shore they had seen a reglar saturdy evenin, witch they hadnt. but wurse wuz how i felt such humiliayshun fer our cuntry. i wonted to argue bout it, splain how thangs wuznt really thataway, but barbra wood jes say she had seen whut she had seen till i gut to the point whar i dint keer whut she wonted to thank. fack is, thar minds wuz made up. as barbra splained, they hadnt been thar but a cuple days n look whut had happend. i tride to splain agin how odd that wuz, but they figgerd they wood stick with whut they saw, not whut i sed.

they left the nex day. i hung back while they give emily a big ole hug. i dint wont much of nuthin to do with em. wurse is, i felt so ashamed whenever barbra sed to emily how it must be scary livin in a place lack this. i objeckted n sed they dint know whut they wuz talkin bout. barbra sed sumthin bout me bein a typicull amurkin. then she turnt to me n sed, 'you should enjoy your saturday nite fever, herr duncan.' my mouth wuz open, but i wuz out of wurds.

visiters of buddy don: summa them sites

thay wuz a slew of pitchers here showin whar all we tuck our visters, but i tuck em down sos folks woodnt have to wait fer slow loadin. long story short, we tuck em mos everwhar.

 

pinions of buddy don: sayins

me n miz bd wus jes talkin bout how thays lil frazes that folks lacks to use overn over agin, witch ye call them 'sayins.' heres three that cum up:

1. a lot depends on a lot: thisn cum frum my irish friend n tiz one of the bes openin thangs fer a knee-go-shee-ay-shun that i ever herd. i seen im use it minny a time in a bizness meetin whar he wuz hopin to git a contract or sumbidy wuz a'wontin to git him to ackcep thar terms. mayhap the client would say, 'how much will it cost me?' he wood stroke his beerd a bit, look the feller in the eye, in say, 'a lot depends on a lot.'
   
2. sumthins goin on: thisn cum frum eli, witch ifn ye been readin that novel name of life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly, ye dun met eli n know bout how hes a skizofrenic. so thays times whar he gits into a rant bout sumthin or uther: strange thangs hes witnessed, jesus, death, yew name it. then he'll turn to ye lack hes givin ye the secret to splain everthang: sumthins goin on.
   
3. i could be wurse: i been a'usin thisn fer years. whenever folks spots sumbidy they know, they gut to say, 'how ya doin?' mos folks jes doot thisaway. furstn sez, 'how ya doin?' tuthern answers, 'how you doin' sumtimes tuthern mite anser, 'hangin in,' or 'im good,' or 'fine, you?' but i gut in the habit of ansering, 'i could be wurse,' n fack is it stops mos everbidy in thar tracks while they duz the logick to figger am i ok or not. sumtimes they mite say, 'i'm sorry,' witch i never meant to make em feel sorry. thays otherns that laffs n sum that sez, 'me too!' n corse thays the wits that sez, 'i been better.' sum of the wits mean thays bettern me n otherns is bein ironick bout how bad thangs is n sum is bein literull bout how thangs is. n sum dont much know whut they mean. 
        innywho, reason i gut to sayin thisn is how one time i had me a sinus in-feckshun whar no matter whut i dun, my nose wus clogged fer near a week. i couldnt hardly sleep n whenever i did, i wood wake up with my throat n lips n tongue parched n dry lack they coverd in a thin layer of sand. twuz so frutratin i wonted to cry. insted, i finely prayed to god n promissd that ifn i ever could breathe thru my nose agin, i woodnt fergit bout how no matter how bad thangs mite look at inny given moment, they could always be wurser on a counta lease yer still breathin thru yer nostrils. thang is, whenever i gut to follern that logick, it led me to real eyesin whut a fortune i gut n harldy notice, witch i mean all them thangs i gut on my birthday lack eyes n hands n feet n waterproof skin n a brain n more blessins than ye could ever list in jes one blog, too minny to count even ifn ye spent yer hole life a'doon it, witch taint a bad thang to do.

today the sun is up n me n miz bd is fixin to take our visters over to ride on the circle line, witch ifn yer wunderin how i'm a'doin, well, a lot depends on a lot on a counta how sumthins goin on, but i could be wurse.

weekend plans of buddy don: outta towners a'cumming to visit

me n miz bd has big plans fer the weekend. her bruther n his wife is cummin to visit, manely to see the big city fer the furst time but also to visit us. ye kin make all the plans ye lack bout the city n never git everthang dun. her bruther wonted to see a game at yankee stadium, fer instunts, but the yankees is on the road. he aint innerested in seein no mets, even ifn they are playin them phillies, witch theys my favert team. so heres sum idees of whut we gut planned.

1. we lacks to take folks to one of our favert restrunts name of vatan, witch tiz a indian restrunt that serves such good vegetaryun food that even our meat-eatin friends lacks it. so ifn possibull, we plan to take em thar, mayhap the verr furst nite.
2. gittin thar shouldnt be no problem on a counta thays these ny waterway ferry boats ye kin take to git acrosst the hudson river over into man hattan. oncet ye dun gut thar, they gut free buses to take ye most places in midtown, witch thats whut they call the parts of man hattan twixt 23rd street n the bottom of the park round 59th street, witch folks calls central park 'the park,' kindly lack the call man hattan 'the city.'
3. corse, we hopes to take em to keens chophouse whar they kin git em sum good red meat n me n miz bd kin git us sum exoticull makes of sangle malt scotch. heres a lil quote bout keens scotch colleckshun:
   

   Keens Chop House
   Steakhouse has been a fixture since 1876, when this was the Tenderloin. Noted for its collection of thousands of pipes smoked by notable customers. Also has one of the biggest selections of Scotch in Manhattan--204 varieties.

   we hope we kin have a lil scotch tastin at home, but miz bd sez they lacks to mix thangs in thar dranks n i wood hate to waste good scotch thataway. mayhap a wee dab of water fer yer dram of scotch, but innythang else is ruinin good scotch. we gut sum blends they could waste by porin in thangs lack coke ifn they wonts to.
4. we hope we kin git em to take the circle line tour, witch ye git in a boat n listn to yer guide makin jokes bout new york city while ye ride all the way round the island. we dun been on it a few times n ever time we go we larn lots of new thangs bout 'the city.'
5. we wish thay hadnt been that dispute twixt the unions n the cumpnies on broadway on a counta twuz impossibull to commit to buyin no tickets on a counta twuz feared them theaters wuz a'gone be dark. ifn we coulda dun it, we wooda seen the producers. corse, problem with that is how them tickets costs $185 each, witch thats way too rich fer our blood.
6. corse they probly plan on seein the statue of liberty, witch thays a cuple ways ye kin do that. furst, ye kin pay fer a tour. tuther way to git a purty good look at it n shoot ye sum pitchers is to take a free ride on the staten island ferry.
7. they gut plans on gittin em sum nite life, witch thats one of the mane reasons we gut kids. we figger twixt the two kids n us, they orta be able to do mos innythang thay lacks. me n miz bd aint in the habit of stayin out real late, lack past 10 pm, tho we have dun it a time or two. but them kids lacks to stay out all nite long.
8. corse, thays a slew of myou-see-ums they kin visit:
1. myou-see-um of natchrul histry
2. metropoltun myou-see-um of art
3. guggenheim
4. whitney myou-see-um of amurkin art
5. myuou-see-um of televishun n radio
6. myou-see-um of modern art
7. mta transit myou-see-um
8. new york city fire myou-see-um
9. nashunull myou-see-um of the amurkin injun
10. n minny more
9. mayhap sum musick or other events, witch ye kin figger out mos innythang thats a'goin on here.

should be fun! 

pinions of buddy don: cuple articulls that bears republicayshun

i writ thisn back on nov 14 2003. twuz titled 'pinions of buddy don: art of war.' thay wuz lanks in it, witch ye kin find them in the owe riginal

thays this book called the art of war thats thousands of years old by a riter name of sun tzu. in it he eggzamines how ye win wars n thangs to avoid to keep frum bankruptin yer folks n overstretchin yer troops n cumin home in disgrace n even losin. in it he gives lots of ways ye kin avoid disaster or on tuther hand, ways ye kin win even if the odds is stacked agin ye. tiz a innerestin read n i advise ye to follow that lank n see whut ye thank. taint long.

thays a jurnlist at the new york times name of milt bearden that read sun tzus book n then wrote a articull bout how the enemy in iraq has eethur read it or studied the way the insurgents in afghanistan beat the russians with it on a counta how thar usin them same tackticks. his articull is called "Iraqi Insurgents Take a Page From the Afghan 'Freedom Fighters'" n tiz also wurth a read. heres a few of the main points:

1. sun tzu sed ye gut to attack the enemies strategy furst thang n thats whut the iraqis dun: "So it was probably no accident that as American forces approached Baghdad, expecting tough street fighting, the bulk of the Iraqi forces melted away. The American troops, forced to shift strategy on the run, have been bedeviled by the consequences of those early chaotic days ever since."
2. next ye go after the alliances, lack the un or the red cross or the poles or the italians or the jordanians or iraqi folks that heps our side out by bein po-leece or mayors or iraqi council members.
3. thurd thang sun tzu recommends is to attack the army of the enemy, speshly ifn ye kin doot without gittin attacked back, lack usin mortars to attack hotels or stingers anti-aircraft launchers to attack helicopters n such n usin homemade bombs to take out one or two of the enemy here n thar.
4. thang bout this is ye git to attack yer enemy n make him reack in ways that makes thang wurse fer his cause on a counta tiz hard to tell who the enemy is so in lookin fer em, yer almos bound to make sum innocent folk suffer n then they turns agin ye. milt bearden points out how the afghani 'freedom fighters' (witch that wuz osama bin ladens bunch that ronald raygun hepped start up) used this tacktick: "For every mujahedeen killed or hauled off in raids by Soviet troops in Afghanistan, a revenge group of perhaps a half-dozen members of his family took up arms. Sadly, this same rule probably applies in Iraq."
5. finely, sun tzu sed ye gut to know yer enemy n know yerself. we cant ritely say we know eethur one verr well. we sartinly dint know whuther they had em them weppons of mass destruckshun (even ifn we did no bettern to use the wurds 'imminent' n 'threat' in the same sentence). we aint sartin whuter the enemy is bitter enders or al queda terrsts or saddams army or jes plane folk who hate to see thar cuntry overrun by forn troops. we dont speak thar lingo or unnerstan thar tradishuns. we dont even seem to member verr well whut the west taught em bout how to make a enemy suffer even when it has cuntrol of the place, lack lawrence of arabia dun, witch everbidy ought read his book "the seven pillars of wisdom."

thays sum bleeves saddam hussein wuz gittin reddy to fite us thisaway frum the verr beginnin. frum how he lost the war in 1991, he had dun figgered thay wuznt no way to beat us hed on. so sum thanks them iraqis stored up thar weppons n planned whar they wood hide n let us in sos they could start usin them principulls agin us. bes articull ive seen on that topick wuz in newsweek, writ by Vernon Loeb and Thomas E. Ricks, witch they even called it "Is this Saddam's counterattack?"

but wait, thars more, lack they say in them ads, on a counta whuts a'goin on in pakistan, whar ye mite member thay gut em a guy name of Pervez Musharraf as presdint, witch ye mite member hes one of them folks that bush dint know the name of whenever he wuz given that unfair pop quiz by the reporter when he wuz runnin his camp pain fer presdint (i mean, why should the presdint have to know bout such folk?). ye mite member how he sed twuz sumbidy who had dun brought stabilty to the subcontinet. not by usin democracy, witch thats the latest reasun fer why were a'doin whut were a'doin, but on violence on a counta how Pervez Musharraf tuck cuntrol of the cuntry by usin a miltary coup. so whut could he but up to now?

thays a articull that purty much tries to splain whuts a'goin on over thar in the daily times, a new voice for pakistan, witch the articull is called "Pakistan has legions of Bin Laden followers." dont read thisn ifn ye scare easy on a counta it tells how thangs is fallen apart over thar. the articull starts off with a quote frum our own cato institute: "'In Pakistan, there are legions of bin Ladin followers, plenty of links between government officials and terrorists and nuclear weapons that could fall into the hands of anti-American terrorists. This is not speculation,' according to Leon Hadar, a research fellow at the right-wing think tank the Cato Institute." these cato institute folks thanks pakistan is whar the real ackshun in terrism is, not iraq. tiz sum scary stuff.

aint no doubt that we gut the edge in the science of war. questchun is whuther the science of war kin beat the art of war.

thisn heres tuthern that seems to apply even today. i writ thisn back on dec 1 2003. twuz titled 'pinions of buddy don: ye cant win harts n minds with bullets.' agin, to git all the lanks, check the owe riginal.

i wish i could find the quotayshun whar sumbidy wuz arguin that ye kin establish democracy with a gun. i thank twuz in the washington post, but i cant find it nohow. the riter pointed out how thay had dun been a few democracies made thataway. a cuple he menchuned wuz the american revolution n the french revolution.

but thatn dont wurk fer whuts a'goin on in iraq, witch thats whut the riter wuz trine to say, that ye could make a democracy usin a gun. problem with his eggzamples is that the holders of the guns wuz the folks who wuz fitin fer thar own democracy. twuz the insurgents in the fite, not the big powers, be they the british or the french monarchy. tiz us in iraq.

the history of the worl shows ye that it takes a folk makin thar own cuntry to git ye a democracy out of it. n that means that the folks has to git it into thar own harts n minds that democracy is whut they wont. ifn they dont wont it, then ye cant enforce it on a counta ye wood be voted out furst time they tuck a vote.

so whuther we lack it or not, whut we half to do ifn we wont democracy overn iraq (or innywhar) is to cunvints folks to wont it fer thar ownself. ye gut to win thar harts n minds. taint easy.

take whut's a'goin on over in iraq right now. furst, we had to close one of thar media outlets, al arabiya, on a counta how twuz broadcastin saddam hussein. in its place we dun put up a stayshun or our own name of al iraqiya. thang is, folks in iraq druther here al arabiya than al iraqiya.

problem fer us is were in a fite we dont hardly know how to win. these is just my pinions, so ye kin ignore em all:

1. folks livin in iraq aint used to democracy n dont hardly wont it
2. ifn ye could give democracy out to folks in iraq, its hard to bleeve they wood vote the way we wont em to
3. folks livin in the arab worl larnt how to fite asymetrickull battles frum lawrence of arabia n they been a'usin it ever since (have ye dun red t. e. lawrences seven pillars of wisdom? do ye wonta unnerstand whut's a'gone on over thar? then ye gut to read it! the movie aint near as good as the book fer this kinda thang)
4. folks livin the arab worl have been wontin n havin theocracy in sted of democracy most of thar histries.
5. thays folks over here that seems to wonta make us a theocracy in sted of a democracy
6. ifn folks over here, whar we gut us a form of republican democracy, kin wonta a theocracy, it shouldnt cum as a sprize that folks wonta keep the theocracies they dun gut or could git back
7. granted, iraq wuz a secular muslim nayshun, n thats whut we wont it to be, but thays minny folk over thar that never wonted it to be secular
8. member that the main thang saddam n osama couldnt agree on whuz whuther to have theocracy or a secular gummint
9. mos everthang we kin do with our power is a'gone hep tuther side make its points agin us

corse, ifn we cant win the harts n minds over here, whut kin we speck frum our efforts over thar? we wuz set on gittin osama, dead or alive. whutever becum of him? we wuz a'gone smoke him out frum whutever hole he wuz in. he wuz publick enemy number 1 with a bullet. now hes a forgotten man livin in pakistan or afghanistan, sumwhars whar we aint gut a nuff troops to ketch him.

did sumbidy use weppons of mass distrackshun on us?

i luv my cuntry the way i luv my son. ifn he wuz to tell me he wuz gittin reddy to do sumthin stoopid, lack try smokin crack, i wood criticize him. i wood try to stop him. i wood have a march on his home if i thought it wood wurk. fack is, i wood do everthang i could to git him to stop. i wood not be anti-son fer doin so. ifn he persisted in takin the rong path, i couldnt pertend its rite jes to show him my support. i wood half to tell him the truth.

same applies to my cuntry. twuz a miss take to git distrackted frum gittin osama. period. ifn we dont stick with doin whut we say were a'gone do, then aint nobidy gonna take us serious.

n ifn ye aint tuck serious, ye dont win harts n minds. fack is, ye kin only win harts with luv n minds with better idees. bullets dont fit neethur deescriptshun.

life of buddy don, chaptur 122: how the group wuz born

ye mite could thank that whenever we started the group, the idee had sumthin to do with wontin to rite grate literatchur, witch that wuz shorely part of it. but whut gut it a'goin wuz cumpletely differnt.

fer one thang, twuz near the end of the sprang quarter of 1981 when the idee sorta more or less happend. thay wuz a feller thar name of henry mouffette, witch everbidy calld im hank. he wuz in our class even tho i hadnt never noticed him much. fack is, i wuz so busy with my own lil worl of wurk n cuncerns that i dint hardly know innybidy in our class.

twuznt as if i dint have plenty to wurry bout. fer one thang, eli wuz goin thru a verr ruff patch to whar he gut put into the v.a. hospitull in johnson city on a counta how he wuz a threat to his ownself n mayhap a danger tuthers too. he had gut in a habit of abusin his medicayshun by takin too much of it whenever he furst gut his munths supply n then washin it down with beer. that wood git him to black out n durin a blackout, he mite do innythang, includin jumpin off of buildins, witch he wuz lucky thay wuznt no hi buildins in oak ridge that he could git up on. wurse he ever gut was a spraind ankle, but twuz pure luck.

whut wuz more wurry sum wuz how he wood splain to daddy bout wontin to stab him to death. he woodnt say he wuz a'gone doot, but he wood splain how he sumtimes lay in bed n couldnt git the thought of goin upstairs to git a knife sos he could attack daddy in his sleep. daddy ackted lack it dint wurry him nun, but twernt so. ye caint say it dont matter whenever one of yer own children is splainin how they wonta kill ye. ye could tell daddy wuznt sleepin too well on a counta he wuz even grumpier than usual n he had big black circles under his eyes.

thang wuz, eli hadnt never been no more productive as far as ritin wuz concernd. he dint study it much, ceptin to read rimbaud n baudelaire in translation. then he wood sit down at a typeriter n git to typin out poems. he woodnt edit nuthin n however they cum out the furst time, that wuz jes how they wuz a'gone stay. i wood visit ever now n agin, witch ifn he wuz in the rite mood, he mite read me a few of em. it tuck years befor he wood let me make inny copies of em, witch i wuz afraid he mite destroy em all durin one of his fits or blackouts. far as i could tell, they wuz bettern inny ritin by innybidy i knew, even my own (hurts to rite it, but tiz the truth).

not only that, but he had writ im a short wurk name of 'the killing' that he sed wuz a novel even tho twuz only bout 40 pages long, he let me read it, witch furst thang i dun wuz make a copy, even tho i had to lie bout it. he tole me i couldnt make no copy of it, but i figgerd he wood be happy ifn he lost thonly copy n i cum up with a nuther fer im. twuz short but packed with idees n verr poeticull. i red it over n over agin n whut gut me bout it wuz how even ifn twuz so short, seem lack it left ye with the feelin ye had red a long novel coverin mos everthang bout life n death, speshly death. i mentchuned his novel to one of my professers, witch he wonted to read it, but that made eli so mad he sed he dint wont nuthin else to do with me. he gut over it purty quick. he dint know i had a copy n i ast im how could i show sumthin to innybidy without him knowin bout it since he had thonly copy.

whenever it cum time to drive im up to the v.a. hospitull, mama ast me wood i go long, witch ye caint leeve mama n eli together too much on a counta thar kindly lack vinegar n bakin soda. once i agreed, she wunderd ifn i could take im without her a'goin. corse i wood, even ifn i felt kindly lack a traiter to my own bruther. i knew he had to go n knew twood be bes for im, but whenever it cums time to lead the victim to the slaughter, or the payshunt to his hospitull whar he is a'gone be locked up till who knows when, well, tiz hard not to thank of yerself as the traiter.

twernt thonly wurry i had. thay wuz the stress n wurry of livin with emily. i used to joke that she could wurry in the abstrack, witch i sed ifn she gut to the point to whar she couldnt thank of nuthin to wurry bout, she wood wurry bout how thay mus be sumthin big she wuz a'missin. it dint seem possibull to her thay wuznt no wurry ye needed to wrinkle yer brow bout, n ifn she couldnt cum up with one, that wood wurry her.

sides that, twuz hard to perdick whut she mite do frum one time to the nex. i dun mentchuned bout how she lacked to wear nuthin but blue jeans n flannel shirts with earth shoes n knee socks. at best whenever we wuz havin sex, she wood wear jes the flannel shirt n knee socks. i ast her ever so often ifn she dint wonta wear sumthin else, jes fer variety, but that made her mad, as ifn i wuz astin her to pertend to be sumbidy else. but she made sum friends in the histry department n a frien in the buildin. n she gut to be purty good friens with liza.

i caint swear toot, but it seems lack one or tuther of them new friens talked her into thangs i couldnt git her to do, witch one saturdy she ast me could she tie me up to the bed. i ast her to splain whut she meant, but she jes ast could i take my cloze off n jes doot? so i dun it n wuz i ever sprized when she cum out of the bathroom a'wearin her one pink dress n nuthin else. twuz one of them verr intense eggsperientses to whar ye couldnt hardly bleev twuz happenin. we bof enjoyed it a lot, but whenever i ast her whar she gut the idee fer such a stunt, she sed i should know. twuz the kinda thang that mite wurry a bidy, witch i dint learn fer a long while who give her the idee. but i found myself wurryin over it moren i orta dun, witch i wood ast myself ifn i wuznt gittin to be as much of a wurry wart as she wuz.

a nuther thang the botherd me a lot wuz how i wuz so busy with skool wurk that i couldnt hardly git no ritin dun, speshly since i dint count papers fer innythang. twuz with dismay i red the comments on one of my papers whar the perfesser rote how the paper wuz reddy fer publicayshun with a bit of editin. he stopped me after the class wuz over n sed i could make a career as a literary skolar n he wonted to hep me git into a good skool fer my docterut. twuznt whut i wonted to here n fer sum reason it brung me way down. i hated to thank i dint have no talent fer fickshun n mite end up jes a nuther skolar who filld up the world with secundary sources.

i wood try to rite mos everday n that led to a nuther annoyance, witch that wood be bud rankin. he wuz in one of my classes on amurkin literchur n he seemd to have a sixth sense bout whar i wuz a'gone go to rite. twood be mos annoyin how he wood innerupt me n git to talkin his pompus bullshit, witch twuz all he seemed to have to say far as i could tell. tiz a shame to say how he wood git me to quit ritin by astin did i wonta 'burn one,' witch meant smoke a joint. since i dint have no conneckshun n purty much never had much of theevil weed, i wood lack as not go along with im. he splained to me one time how he had furst gut hi whenever he wuz fifteen years ole n he luved it so much he vowed he wood try to be hi ever wakin moment of his life. i dint respeck that, but i wuznt standin on solid groun to criticize him. i did figger him bein hi all the time splaind how he wuz such a bullshitter.

mane thang i wonted to do wuz find a place i could rite whar he woodnt show up, but twuznt as easy as ye mite thank. i lacked ritin up in mcclung tower, but he spotted that purty quick. so i moved to smokeys, but thatn wuz easy fer im to figger. so i tride the undergraduwait liberry, witch i lacked sittin at the long tables near the unabridged dickshunairies. but once he spotted me thar, seemed lack i couldnt barely git my notebook open till he wuz sittin nearby. same wuz true of the graduwait liberry, witch i probably coulda hid in a carrel, but i lacked bein out whar i could see folks cummin n goin. so he wood find me n direckly a nuff, he wood make the sign of gittin hi by pertendin to take a toke with no joint. i hate to add mitt the truth, but i wuz so dishonest with my ownself that i wood blame him whenever i agreed to take a walk roun campus n burn the joint. i dint never rite much after smokin, so twuz the waste of a chants to rite.

innywho, twuz the end of the quarter n i had jes gone by the english department to check my box fer mail n to see how my grades cum out, witch they wuz all a marks. twuz nice to be dun with the quarter n ye mite thank i wooda been happy bout my grades, but twuz mosly relief i felt on a counta i wuz spoiled by gittin good grades to whar thonly thang i felt wuz relief that i hadnt muffed the quarter lack i dun in the fall when i gut a b+ in a shakespeare class.

whenever i gut on the elevator, henry mouffette gut on after me n we gut to talkin bout how the year had gone n whut he wuz a'plannin on doon fer the summer, witch me n emily wuz a'gone take sum classes. he figgerd he wood hang round knoxvull n try to git im a job. i kindly hinted roun bout how i wished i knew whar i could git hi n he sed he wuz bout to buy a bag offn his conneckshun. i ast him wood he innerduce me, witch he laffd bout that n sed why not. as we wuz walkin, i kep specktin him to turn off to hed fer his place, but he never dun it till we cum to the door of the laurel marrd students apartments, witch turnt out he lived thar too even tho he wernt marrd.

ye mite could thank twuz jes a lil coincidents we shoulda dun noticed, but to hank twuz a sign of sum kind. i ast him whut could the sign mean, n he sed twuz fated by god n we wuz spozed to start a literary movement. i laffed n sed i dint thank we had us a flossofy bout ritin nor nuthin that wood lead to a movement. he ast me to cum up to his place n i wuz bout to say i had thangs to do whenever he sed his conneckshun wuz cummin by. so i sed i dint know ifn we could start a movement or not, but mayhap we should talk it over. so i went up to his place, hopin to git hi n mayhap meet his conneckshun n score a lil weed.

we gut to talkin bout all kinda thangs n then cum back round to the literary movement he wuz a'wontin to start. i tole him i dint know bout startin no literary movement, but whut ifn we wuz to git a group of riters goin whar we wood jes read our wurk fer each other. it could give us a audience to listen n maybe we wood rite more. he figgerd twuz brillyunt n sed so, but befor we could make a plan, his doorbell rung n in cum hi conneckshun.

twuz bud rankin. i felt almos lack i had dun been betrayd, but i dint say nuthin. long story short, bud gut in on the plannin n even tho he couldnt cum to the furst meetin, he wuz one of the folks that started the group. thay wuznt no way i could say i dint wont him to cum, so we had one meetin without im, n frum then on, he cum to ever meetin.

furst meetin wuznt hardly nuthin. only four folks cum, witch thay wuz me n hank n a woman who sed she wuz a poet but she dint have nuthin to read and a fella who sed he woodnt be able to cum to no more meetins but wishd he lived in knoxvull. twuznt much of a meetin n the nextn wuz even wurse. hank only had the one poem to read, so he read it agin. bud cum n red sumthin i couldnt make no sense out of. twuz embarrassin to sit thru. not only that, but emily dint wonta cum to no meetins lack that so she wood spend the evenin with one of her friends frum the histry department or with liza or whoever. by the thurd meetin, i wuz bout reddy to give it up, but thay wuz three new members that made thangs gel, so to speak.

the furst two wuz a marrd cuple. the husbin, a feller by the name of billy stewart, tole us all how he wuz proud to be a new york jew, witch twernt a claim ye eggspeckted to hear frum nobidy in knoxvull. his wife rolld her eyes whenever he sed that. her name wuz lauren n she wuz a poet. turnt out she wuz verr good, but at furst, she woodnt read much of nuthin. tuther feller wuz also in our class even ifn i hadnt never noticed im. his name wuz joseph cooper n he red us one of the funniest stories we ever herd. fack is, the furst two meetins i wuz the mane reader n dint seem to me lack thay wuz a nuther riter in the group. we wuz all trine to be verr seryas. but joe changed all that by readin one funny story after a nuthern.

but befor we gut thar, i wuz bout to quit on a counta it dint seem lack nobidy wuz willin to criticize nuthin. hank wuz all enthusiastick bout innythang sumbidy had writ. he even acted lack he could make sense of bud's ritin, witch bud wuz frum mississippi n hadnt quit trine to be faulkner. i member the moment when i knew we mite have a purty good group. bud wuz readin furst, witch he lacked to do that. twuz a story so awful i couldnt tell much of nuthin bout whut wuz a'goin on. twuz deadly quite whenever he finishd. finely billy spoke up n splaind how he wuznt able to git up on our hi literary level on a counta he wuz a salesman n hadnt studied literchur. but even so, he sed he lacked stories whar ye could tell who wuz the hero, what happend, n whar the hole thang tuck place. he sed this in the silents after bud had dun red. then he turnt to bud n pall gized fer not bein able to unnerstand his ritin.

everbidy laffed, even bud. we had us a verr good critick, witch we really needed sumbidy who could say thangs lack he dun without makin folks mad. so with that one comment, the group wuz born.