wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 91:
rang my bell

one of the longest days of my life wuz the furstn in west germany. fer sum reason, jes as quick as i kissed emily good bye, i gut to thankin bout that day randy fox n i wuz drivin round lookin fer a bag. he had punched up the radio n thar cum on a song that we bof hated, witch twuz a disco song name of 'rang my bell.' it gut in my hed, n no matter how i tride, i couldnt git it out the hole time i wuz travelin frum knoxvull to frankfurt. i figgerd twuz lucky i wuz goin to a nuther cuntry so i could escape thangs lack that n finely git sum real cultchur.

n fack wuz, by time i gut to west germany, i wuz too tired to member much of innythang including that song, witch that wuz a blessin. but that furst day wuz still one of the longest n hardest of my life. heres a few of the steps:

(1) emily drove me out alcoa hiway to mghee-tyson airport n kissed me good bye;

(2) i tuck a delta flight frum thar to chicago, whar i larnt how the plane i wuz on wuz late gittin to chicagos o'hare airport, so i missed my lufthansa flight, witch fer sum reason folks wuz mad at me, but they had to do sumthin, so they put me on a plane name of klm, witch thatn wuz the royal dutch airline;

(3) i had to sit way in the back of thatn in thonly seat lef, witch that made it impossibull to sleep, speshly with that bell a rangin in my hed, but the food n wine wuz grate;

(4) we landed in west germany round 8 am cordin to frankfurt clocks, witch my watch still thought twuz 2 pm on a counta twuz still on knoxvull time;

(5) lucky fer me, they had these lil carts ye could git fer a doytch mark coin, so i loaded up all my stuff on one, witch i had way too much luggidge includin a trunk, two suitcases n my backpack with books n notebooks n my diary;

(6) i had to pee, so i parked that cart near the wc, witch that stands fer 'water closet' on a counta thats how folks used to thank indoor plumbin wuz lack a closet with water whenever they furst cum up with indoor plumbin;

(7) as i wuz peein, a woman cum over rite nex to me so she could make sure i dint make the place dirty, witch twuz so clean ye could eat offn the floor, n i had dun been warned that thay wuz women in the west german bathrooms n that they wood be specktin a tip, so i put a doytch mark coin in her lil plate;

(8) whenever i cum out of the bathroom, sumbidy wuz lookin over my stuff, but they run off the instunt i gut thar n far as i could tell, they dint git nuthin;

(9) i pushed the cart to the train stayshun, witch lucky fer me they had put a train stayshun rite thar at the airport, witch when ye thank bout it ye mite wunder how cum we dont try that more often in amurka;

(10) i gut all my stuff on the train n rode it to whut they call the hauptbahnhof in frankfurt, witch thats whut they call the mane train stayshun ona counta 'haupt' stands fer 'hed' n 'bahn' means 'train' n 'hof' means castle or buildin or whutever n ye mite could notice how them germans luvs to make new wurds by stickin a hole strang of em together with no spaces betwixt em;

(11) my luck held at that thar hauptbahnhof on a counta rite away i found one of them lil carts to rent, so i put all my stuff on it n cummenced scoutin the place fer a clue bout how to git to the johann wolfgang goethe-universitat, witch thays spozed to be two lil dots called a 'umlaut' over the a in universitat, but ifn i put it in twill turn to trash whenever i publish, so ye gone half to magine thays thar;

(12) bought me a map fer ten of my doytsch marks, witch twuz a good map n emily n i used it the hole time we wuz thar, but i still couldnt tell frum it how i wuz spozed to git my stuff frum whar i wuz to whar i wonted to be;

(13) so i tride out a lil of my german n ast a fella at the informayshun place how do ye git to the university? n my luck begun to run out whenever he anserd on a counta how he wuz talkin way too fast n pointin off tords the traffic n he musta give me four paragrafs of instuckshuns outta witch i reckon i only gut the wurd 'durch,' witch thatn means 'thru,' so i looked off in the die reckshun he wuz a'pointin in n shore a nuff, i could see whar thay wuz a tunnel n i figgerd he wuz a'tellin me to go thru it;

(14) found out the cart couldnt git outta the train stayshun on a counta how they had put sum lil gard rails on it that woodnt fit past sum poles they had put rite in the openin, witch twuz a desine flaw far as i could tell, but i tuck my stuff off it n drug it thru the tunnel n cum up on tuther side n found myself on a traffick island with no escape;

(15) drug all my stuff back to the same informayshun fella n used my german to ast him the same questchun n also to splain how i had jes cum frum amurka n could he talk slow a nuff fer me to unnerstan, witch he asnerd that by sayin, 'why didnt ya say so, mac?' a'usin the same accent archie bunker had n turnt out he had dun lived in brooklyn new york fer ten years;

(16) tuck the notes he made showin me how to git to the 'strassenbahn,' witch thats means street train n looks jes lack them trolley cars they used to have in lots of amurkin cities befor they gut rid of em, ceptn the ones in san francisco fer the tourists;

(17) tuck that strassenbahn to whar the university wuz n drug my stuff roun it till i foun a offus that wuz open n went in n started usin my german n splainin my plite, witch they switched to english n told me i had dun cum at the rong time on a counta how twuz august n everbidy wuz on vacayshun so i should cum back in september fer hep, witch that wernt one of the opshuns, so i ast wuz thar innywhar a bidy could sleep fer lil or no money, n he laffed n sed maybe the youth hostel;

(18) drug my stuff back to that strassenbahn n rode back to the hauptbahnhof n drug my stuff to the informayshun fella n ast him how do ye git to the haus des jugend, witch that means house of youngns, n he splained how twuz in a place name of sachsenhausen n showed me how i coulda jes stayed on that strassenbahn n made mayhap one change n gut thar by now, witch i pall gized fer usin his time n gut to draggin my stuff back tords that strassenbahn;

(19) drug my stuff frum the strassenbahn to the youth hostel n gut thar roun 2 pm accordin to frankfurt time;

(20) witch thar i finely gut a bed n made the miss take of trine it out;

(21) woke up roun dusk n deecided twuz time fer me to investigate the town, but furst, i gut a cup of coffee n a place to sit n rote a long entry in my diary trine to splain everthang i had dun been thru.

whut i dint know by this time wuz how luggin all that stuff roun had dun give me a ruptchur of my hernia, but i wood figger thatn out quick a nuff. i made friends with sum of my roommates, witch thay wuz three germans who wuz travelin roun thar own cuntry on thar urlaub, witch thats the wurd them germans use fer vacayshun. we talked fer a while till i tole em i wuz hungry n wonted to know whar could a bidy eat. they tole me they wood take me to thar favert place, witch they also switched to english as quick as they herd my acksent. we walked fer a while till we cum to a macdonalds, witch i tole em i wuz hopin we wood eat in a place that wuz german, witch they wonted to splain how macdonalds wuz german a nuff, but i sed i wuz specktin german food lack vienerschnitzel or sumthin to that affeck. so we tuck a long walk till we found a place that wuz ackceptabull to all n then we et a great meal, cumplete with wine.

after the meal, we went back to the haus des jugend n sed aufwiedersehen, witch thats whut ye say in sted of good bye n it means till we see each other agin, only i never saw em no more on a counta they wuz checkin out the nex day n dun it befor i gut outta bed.

i couldnt sleep rite then. the night wuz warm n beeyootiful. i lacked the way thangs looked in sachsenhausen, witch twuz a tourst trap only i dint know it then. i wuz thankin bout how i wuz in the land of cultchur, reel cultchur, n how i wuz a'gonna here mozart n beethoven n yew name it, cultchurd folk, n see plays with live folks acktin in em n read grate books.

i wuz lookin out frum the frunt of that youth hostel n ye could see rite across the main river, witch they pronounce 'main' as ifn twuz 'mine.' whut do i spot but a lil street fair of sum kind a lil downstream frum whar i wuz. i figgerd i wood walk down n git me a beer n see ifn i couldnt drank in a lil culthur that verr nite.

twuz a bit of a stroll n then i had to figger how to git thar, but that map wuz a goodn so i purty soon found whar i wzu a'goin. thay wuz rides n lil stalls sellin cheap tourst stuff n all. i walked round, gut a beer n found a place whar i could sit by the river. purty soon i hear sumthin familiar: twuz that infernal song, witch ifn ye know bout thatn, ye dun know how tiz as hard to git out of yer hed as one of them carts wuz to git out of that thar hauptbahnhof: rang my bell.