wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 89:
batchler party

once the skool year wuz over, once i had dun graduwaited n emily had made it thru her furst year of grad skool, we deecided to move out of the place at 1300 clinch avenue n spend sum of the summer, our last befor we wuz marrd, with our folks. that means i moved back into mamas on a counta how i had dun rented my room at the farm to maisie. corse, i had figgerd on wurkin at deathtrap n savin a lil money but lack i splained a cuple chapturs ago, that dint wurk out.

my folks wuz happy bout it mosly. daddy wonted us to spend sum time up on obed river, so me n daddy n brew n roena mays husbin jim coates went up fer a cuple days fishin n campin. i spent a lot of time drivin roun with eli n listnin to his favert group the stranglers, speshly the album black and white n smokin way too much of theevil weed. i saw susannah now n then, jes as friens. her new home wuz built n she had moved in with her new boyfrien, witch fer sum reason, she never innerduced us n i barely member if his name wuz frank or tom. virgil n i had sum marathon argumints bout pi bein a priori or not.

in sum ways, that summer wuz wasted. i tride to git sumthin new goin to replace the hole lef whenever i finished riting crap notes, but i dint couldnt git myself to do much of nuthin. i larnt sumthin bout myself then that i have been wishin wuznt true ever since. tiz that i cant seem to git much dun ifn i have time to do much. ifn i dont have hardly no time lef to rite in my diary or wurk on a novel or whutever, then i use whut lil time i gut verr well. over the years i dun writ plays n screenplays n other novels n such, but never when i had time to do much. even now, fer the ritin of my verr own life n pinions, i cant hardly git nuthin writ over a weekend n tiz even wurser whenever i git time off. as tiz, ifn ima wurkin 11 or 12 hour days, then i wake up bout 4 am with this idee that i need to git up n git reddy fer wurk n do a lil ritin. mayhap i git a hour or two fer that befor i leave fer wurk n since thay aint no other time to rite, i doot rite then.

i later herd a tale bout geoffrey chaucer, witch hes the fella who wrote the canterbury tales. i never could figger if whut i wuz tole wuz true (i cant find a refernts to it nowhar), but the way it went wuz how he had to wurk mos of his life. durin that time, he writ his majur wurks. finely he wuz able to retire frum wurk, but he never rote nuthin that matterd agin. so by time i herd thatn, i gut to be a lil nicer to myself bout how i couldnt git nuthin dun when i had time to do thangs rite. tiz true to this verr day.

roun that time, i wuz in the liberry over at utk n sumbidy across the room wuz wavin n i noticed i couldnt tell who twuz or ifn they wuz wavin at me. turnt out to be a woman i had known in that conceps of women class n she wuz a lil miffed bout how i dint wave back. she wuz the one who ast me out, so she dint thank nuthin of cummin over n given me her pinion bout how she thought i wuz cunseated. i add mitted i mite be a lil, but i tole her problem wuz i couldnt see her well a nuff to recognize her across the room. 'then you need to see a doctor about your eyes,' she sed n stomped off.

so i made a pointment with a docter n he eggzmained my eyes n sed i wuz near-sited, mayhap frum reedin too much. twuz a fack that i had spent a good percent of my life with my nose stuck in a book, so twoodnt be a sprize if my eyes had adapted. so i started wearin glasses, witch twuz a hard thang to git used to on a counta i had never been able to wear sunglasses on a counta how they made my nose itch. but when ye need sumthin, ye git used toot.

funny thang is, later on, in west germany, i wood lose them glasses n half to make a choice between two kinds that they give fer no exter charge with the insurants we had n one of them wuz a pair of lil round glasses lack john lennon used to wear. tutherns wuz black horn-rimmed glasses, verr german lookin, n i knew i dint wont them, so i gut the lil round glasses. now thays minny folk who thank i wuz born wearin them lil round glasses n i been wearin em ever since.

twuz time to git everthang fixed, so day after i visted the eye docter, i went to the dentist. he wonted to extrack my two remainin wisdom teeth, witch i had tutherns tuck out when i furst marrd darlene n thay wuz impackted n twuz a awful process. but the wisdom teeth on the top wuz cummin in strate, not impackted, n the dentist yanked em out that verr day n i wuz all better in bout a week.

nex on the lis, mama wonted to take me shoppin fer cloze. thay aint no stoppin mama when it cums to shoppin. tiz a old sore in the marrg twixt my parnts on a counta how mama kep daddy 'paymint pore' all thar lives. mama had this idee that folks over in west germany wuz a'gone be more sofisticated than folk in tennessee, so she insisted on gittin me four suits, witch three of em wuz three-pieceers with vests witch i hadnt never had one of them befor. she also bought a bunch of shirts n underware n a pair of wing tip shoes n a pair of boots. thang is, of all the thangs she bought me that day, witch i drug over to west germany n back, thonly ones i wore much were the boots.

innywho, twuz deecided by the guys who hung out at the farm that a batchler party wuz needed to make shore i wuz doon the rite thang in gittin hitched to emily. so brew n virgil n eli n oscar n randy fox n about ten others that lacked to cum to parties whar thay wuz free smoke n dranks gut together one hot nite in july. we gut us a bunch of beer n jack daniels n rolled up a bunch of theevil weed n gatherd out at the farm. twuz more or less a rerun of the church of the callus basturds only one of the basturds wuz trine to reeform, witch thatn wuz me.

twuz a lot of hoopin n hollerin n yew name it. we kep the joints a'passin without pause all nite. we drunk up the beer purty quick n broke the seals on the jack. we tole the awfullest stories possibull bout life in the jungle n who we had dun it with n all. corse, randy n brew n virgil gut to tellin stories bout my quote exploits unquote. they broke out all the penthouse n club n gallery n hustler magazines that wuz a roun n made me look at pitchers of the mos beeyootiful women n splain how i druther be with emily even if sum of them pitchers showed sum verr sexy women.

finely, they insisted i needed to call the lady in waitin to let her know my deesire to marr wuz bein tested. i callt her n woodnt ye know it, she gits to cumplainin bout how i hadnt writ her a nuff letters. i tride to splain how i wuznt gittin no ritin dun, but twuznt wurkin with her, so i promissed i wood do better, n havin to rite that lil letter everday wuz a hep.

while i wuz on the fone, the guys deecided they wood put peeled nanners n hot peppers down my pants till i finely tole emily i had to git while i could. i tuck off runnin thru the woods to the fire spot n they chased me bes they could as drunk as we were. purty soon we wuz all thar roun a big fire n gittin serious bout that jack.

nex thang i know i woke up n find the fire wuz out n noticed i wuz sleepin in the leaves. twuz a beeyootiful night with a full moon, a warm gentle breeze, burds a sangin to wake up the worl.

but i felt sick, mayhap frum too much likker, mayhap frum too much of everthang. my hed wuz full of images frum the nite, frum the stories tole bout everbidys life in the jungle, bout the women they had quote bagged unquote, frum all them pitchers in them magazines, with women in various states of undress, thar legs spred sos they kin show everthang, whut oscar clowder called the 'ax murder' on a counta how sum of them pitchers wuz so eggsplicit till that basic female body part looked lack a wound of sum kind. i found myself unable to stop the flow of thoughts, bout susannah n darlene n all the women i myself had dun quote bagged unquote, till the sickness in me rose n drove me into the brush.

thar i finely cummenced to vomit, overn over agin, n as i dun it, i begun seein all them thangs bout my life i wonted to leeve behin comin out in the reekin bile porin frum my mouth onto the groun. when twuz over, i stood up, tuck a deep breath, n saw how the sun wuz startin to lite up the sky behin the woods.

suddenly i felt clean n good. i looked roun to see who else is thar, n i purty soon herd virgil snorin away. i called him n told him to wake up. he dint move till i shuck im n then he ast whut day wuz it.

i tole him twuz the furst day of my new life, but he dint here it. he had dun falln back asleep.

nex day, twuz agreed by all that i had passed the test n wuz condemnd to marr. the church of the callus basturds wuz closed fer good after that.