Sunday, January 04, 2004

life of buddy don, chaptur 86:
the scariest thang in the universe


twuz rite after i ast emily ifn shed marr me that i noticed the stranges thang. i had dun been quote in the jungle unquote back whenever we furst moved on to the farm, but once i gut together with susannah, seem lack i purty much settled down far as women wuz concernd. gittin together with emily tuck so long that we wuz pratickly livin together by the time sumthin happend. but the hole time, i never give no other woman any thought or even spent much time lookin at em walk by. i wuz too fixed on getting emily.


but thang wuz, soons i had ast her to marr me, i started feelin lack i wuz stuck, lack thay wuz sum other thang i needed to be free to go do, lack i hadnt had my quota of women or sumthin. i cant say why, but i dint thank i wonted to give up the opshun of havin a differnt relayshunship sumtime. so why wuz i a marrin her?


taint easy to anser but heres how i cum to look at it. fer one thang, it wuznt that i dint wont or lack or luv or desire emily. i dun all of that n more. i larnt more bout sex frum her than all tuther women i had known befor her. n i had a grate time larnin it. i couldnt magine nobidy who shared my innerests inny bettern she dun. i lacked the way she looked. n thay wuznt no questchun whuther she luved me.


i figgerd the itchy feelins i wuz gittin wuz the kinda thang ye git in a restrunt. ye wonta eat n ye mite could be plenty hungry but ye cant make up yer mind. it aint that ye dont see nuthin ye wont. tiz that ye wont mos everthang n takin inny one thang is givin up all tutherns. tiz kindly the same with a woman, tho i knew twuznt the case that i wonted to be in the jungle.


as i dun writ in chaptur 78: luv is all a roun inside n out, i cum to be a bit more relaxed bout the seach fer god n all after havin that wurkshop with el doc tore. twuz long about then that i heard a talk on meister eckhardt agin, n this time sumthin wuz sed that kindly put everythang into perspecktiv.


i bleev the fella givin the talk twuz perfessor fuller, witch hes the one who taught the buddhism n islam classes, but mayhap he jes innerduced the speaker. cant member witch twuz, but i cant fergit whut he sed. furst he talked a lil bout who meister eckhardt wuz n then splained how he had im these two concepts:



  1. godhead: this is the actualty of whut we commonly call god, witch tiz everthang god is n is way beyond innythang we kin magine. tiz growin n creative n burstin with life n changin at ever moment n impossbull to take in completely or even splain. ever now n agin, ye git ye a mistick of sum relijun n that mistick gits a real view or eggsperients of godhead. corse, the mistick is a'gone try to splain whut he or she is seein n larnin n all, n soons he does, other folks gits to ritin it down n turnin it into the wurds he sed n not the godhead he wuz eggsperientsin.
  2. whut the misticks followers makes of his reackshun to godhead is whut gits called god n tiz lack a snapshot of the smokeys, way short of the real thang. whut folks is arguin over is the wurds that wuz utterd by the misticks who eggsperientsed godhead. taint real argumints over whut god really is, witch is the godhead n beyond all unnerstandin.

i found this to be so hepful on a counta i could see finely that thay wuznt nuthin fer me to find. twuznt jes that ye caint find the way, tiz that thay cant be a way to sum place ye cant git.


finely, i gut to this unnerstandin of thangs n then could let go agin: i figgerd twuz lack anselm had sed bout god bein the thang thats grater innythang ye could magine n all. n fer me, that thang would be grater ifn it included all thangs than ifn it dint. n ifn it includes all thangs, then tiz a fack that all thangs is god.


twernt much of an anser ye could rite down in a book, but it gut me to thankin i needed to be doin more livin n less searchin.


seem lack that kinda thankin had to do with emily n why i deecided to marr her. twuz time to live n make a commitment. i could make a list of a hunnert reasons why emily wuz the rite choice, tho i half to add mitt that when i cum home n saw her lyin in a fetal ball, crine her eyes out, i felt an achin in my hart that i jes couldnt resist, n that as much as innythang splains why i ast her to marr me.


as fer my feelins bout other women, twuz a concep i had truble with moren inny change of behavyer. i lacked to thank twoodnt matter in the longer run. corse whut a bidy lacks to thank dont have much to do with whut cums to pass.


i also gut to realizin how i wuznt thonly one feelin a lil wurried bout the futchur. i reckon twuz even harder on emily. heres how i noticed, tho i dint make much of it at the time.


shahram give us a gift jes befor he went back to iran to take part in the revolushun, witch he had im a simese cat that had kittens of various kinds n he give us a liln he named layla. the cat looked n acted siamese n it lived with us the hole time we wuz livin on clinch avenue. twernt that we wuz wontin a cat so much, but i musta tole the story bout tinker or sumthin so he cum over one evenin with a cardbord box n inside wuz a kitten so cute even emily give in n sed we could have her.


we had lots of fun with that kitten. ifn ye ever had one, ye know they kin entertain ye fer hours with nuthin moren a scrap a yarn. layla luved to grab at emilys hair whenever she wuz a'pullin on it, witch dint seem to matter how much emily slapped layla fer doin it, soons shed git to pullin on it agin, layla wood be thar, batten at it. i kindly thank emily lacked layla a doon that n the two of em wood play her hours with a ole ball of yarn emily had.


we kep the cat in n waited till twuz ole a nuff to git it fixed n whenever twuz, i tuck it to the vet to git it dun. turnt out to be too late. sumhow that cat musta got out on a counta they couldnt fix a cat that wuz pregnunt.


frum that thar started a battle tween layla n emily. layla deecided she wonted to start stayin in emilys sock drawer. emily deecided layla would stay in a cardbord box in the livin room. corse, emily could cloze the door to the bedroom n cloze the drawer n thay wuznt much layla could do. n layla dint seem to know how to do much of innythang cept to go n cry in frunt of the drawer n scratch at it to try to open it.


then one mornin layla woke us up she wuz scratchin at our door so hard. we cum to see whut wuz the matter, n twuz time fer her to have her kittens. emily gut up n she wuz laffin bout how the cat dint seem to know whut to do n shore a nuff, seem lack layla kep right on a'goin to emily lack she wonted hep or wonted emily to pet er. so emily did but wuz a laffin n teasin the cat, astin whut wuz she gone do whenever she had her kittens?


n long bout then, out cum the hed of the furstn, n purty soon, layla knew everthang she needed to do. she started lickin that lil kitten n eatin all the afterbirth n all till she had er two lil balls of fur trine to find whar to nurse on her belly. but she woodnt let em git started but jes picked up the furstn n went in to the chest of drawers in the bedroom. the door wuz clozed, but layla jes laid her kitten in frunt of it n went to git tuthern. purty soon she wuz thar in frunt of the drawer, cryin n clawin as patient as could be.


i reckon emily smoked three cigarettes while tellin layla it wuznt gone wurk, that she wuznt gittin the drawer, but layla jes kep on lack she wuz shore she wood hit she secret button that wood make the drawer open. finely emily sed she couldnt beleev a cat wood ack thataway. she carrd the kittens into the livin room n put em into the cardbord box agin, but layla woodnt res till she had em back. finely, we went to bed n lef the door shut.


sumbidy musta got up to pee n forgot about the door in the middle of the nite on a counta nex mornin, thar wuz layla n her two kittens, lyin on a piece of newspaper layla had drug in. purty soon she gut to crine n pawin n finely emily give in n opened the drawer, witch layla knew jes whut to do then. purty soon bofem kittens wuz nursin.


as we wuz eatin brakefuss over at smokeys palace, emily sed twuz a scary thang. i ast her whut twuz that wuz scary n she sed i dint wonta here it. corse, i insisted. twuz how ye played the game. finely she sed she wished she hadnt sed nuthin, witch she really meant she hoped i wood take her side of how she felt. i waited, but she jes smoked a while. so i ast agin whut wuz so scary. she put out her cigarette n grabbed her books, gittin up n then lookin at me while i wuz gittin reddy. then she ast did i really wonta know whut the scariest thang in the hole universe is?


i tole her i wuz waitin, so she tole me: motherhood.

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