wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 95:
furchtbar schmerzen!

by late august, me n emily wuz gittin a lil despert fer our money. we couldnt git no anser from the folks at das experiment bout the dm700 they owed us back n we couldnt git the d-a-a-d to let us know when the dm200 we wuz eggspecktin to hep us git started wood cum. corse, we made our share of miss takes with whut lil money we did have.

fer instunts, ever saturdy mornin on tuther side of the main river, jes south of sachsenhausen they had a 'flohmarkt,' witch thats a flea market in english. they had em all kinda thangs thar, but thonly thangs me n emily wuz innerested in wuz books. so on august the 18th, our second saturdy livin at the apartment on ginnheimer strasse, we walked cross town toot n leafed thru mos ever book they had till i gut a two volume set of friedrich nietsche name of werke, witch that means works, n twuz a colleckshun of minny of the thangs he had writ. it cost us dm9,95, but we bof figgerd twuz wurth it on a counta how we had cum thar sos i could study flossofy n he wuz one of the major ones ye wonta study. sides that, it give me a chants to find out could i read flossofy in german, witch the anser wuz i could but verr slowly n sorta half way readin the dickshunerry at the same time. emily found a german version of a novel by one of her faverts, witch twuz agatha christie n the novel wuz called elefanten vergessen night, witch twuz one of her wurst even if it did have hercule poirot in it n ifn ye were readin it in english twooda been elephants can remember. thatn only costs us dm5.

we wuz happy bout whut we had n eager to git back n do see could we stretch the lil money we had lef by then, witch ceptn fer a lil money lef over in the bank fer after we had dun paid the rent, we only had a lil bettern dm20 in cash, so we woodnt be able to buy much. but whut we dint figger on wuz how everthang closes down on saturdy at sumtime round noon or one o'clock. by time we made it to the local buy palace, twuz closed. twuz a bitter disappointment n sumthin we wood half to larn agin n agin till we finely gut it thru our thick skulls. ye dint have no other choice but to git everthang ye needed fer the weekend by noon on saturdy, lessn ye had a nuff money to eat out, witch we dint have hardly a nuff to eat in.

i reckon ye mite wood say we wuz lucky that the chicken soup i had made on thursdy could still be et without gittin sick. we also had sum bread, witch thang bout thar bread wuz ye couldnt hardly find it innywhar but in these lil bakery places n far as we could tell, they hadnt discoverd sliced bread yet n ye couldnt hardly find white bread either, witch we larnt to lack this bread name of roggenbrot, witch that means rye bread. thang wuz, the furst day on that bread twuz rite tasty, but by the second day, twuz gittin stale, n by the thurd, ye couldnt hardly eat it. whut we had lef wuz frum thursdy mornin n twuz gittin rite hard.

but we had to eat, so i warmed up the soup on one of the hot plates n cut sum of that bread into lil squares n put it into each bowl of soup to let em git a lil soft n grated a lil of our cheese n put over top of it n called it brakefuss or lunch or dinner, accordin to whenever we wuz eatin it. we drunk nuthin but water or mayhap a lil tea, but we dint have no ice, witch twuz harder on emily than innythang to have to git by with no ice tea.

durin the nex week, we deecided to put the res of our money into food, only we saved a nuff to git a loaf of bread on saturdy mornin. othern that, we bought the cheepest thangs we could find, witch twuz rice n taters n a lil more cheese n the kinda vegtubulls emily wood eat, witch they couldnt be green lessn they were green beans, witch that mean we bought a mess of carrots n corn n beans. bout the time thursdy mornin cum along, we wuz rite sick of the same stuff ever meal, witch i tride to mix thangs up, n we dun our bes to treat ourself to a new loaf of bread ever two days. but that dint make no nevermind n we wuz hungry fer sumthin differnt.

then we gut letters from our mamas, bofem comin on thursdy, n in hers wuz a $20 bill, witch ye could swap that fer near dm35 n we felt so rich that we went down to a used book store they calls a antiquariat n spent dm15 to buy sum more agatha christie, this time in english since they dint have nun in german. we stocked up on tubacka fer emily by gittin two pouches n papers at once. then we figgerd whut we had lef, witch twernt much, but twuz a nuff to git us thru till mundy, n ifn we dint git nun of our money by then, we deecided we wood git sum outta the bank jes to git by.

corse, thats jes whut we had to do since thay wuznt no way to git them germs to do much till they all cum back frum thar august vacayshun n even then thar wuz a lil lag time. but we streched thangs a nuff to pay our rent fer september n had us a purty good stock, lease of rice, n we knew our stumachs woodnt cumplain even ifn our tasters wuz tired of it.

we dint thank thangs could git no wurser, but they could. i noticed i wuznt able to git my bowels to move fer the longes. i musta gone near two weeks without gittin much to cum out. thang wuz, i dint feel constipated, n when i wuz gittin despert, we bought a can of sour crout, witch ye know crout juice is good fer gittin thangs movin n the germans is masters of sour crout, but even tho whut i could squeeze out wuz sof, i couldnt hardly git nuthin to move.

i member how i wuz a'strainin to git sum satisfackshun n i happent to look down at my belly n wuz i ever sprized to see a huge bulge at the bottom end of my belly. twuz biggern two fangers n run frum rite near my hip to right near my crotch. i knew sumthin wuznt rite so i hollerd fer emily to cum look n she did n i could see whar she wuz wontin to cry, but she dint. she wuz good in a crisis n she could spot one quicker mos innybidy.

she sed she figgerd twuz a hernia n i sed i couldnt agree more n we bof knew thangs wuz at a awful pass. furst thang she dun wuz count up our money, all of it, bof in n outta the bank, includin a dm20 she had hid in a book without a'tellin me, witch twuz a habit of hern to hide money in books fer a rainy day. she calculated we had dm53 all told, but she wuz a'gone raise sum holy hell with them d-a-a-d folk n ifn she had to, she wuz a'goin to mainz on foot to git our money back frum das experiment. but even she knew that wuznt much of a plan on a counta i wuz a'gonna half to have a operayshun n thay wuznt no way ye could pay fer that with no dm1.000, witch thats how ye rite 1,000 in german on a counta how them germans dun used up thar comma fer the decimal place n dint have nuthin lef to seperate thousands ceptn a period. when ye put that into dollars, dependin on the day, ye mite git $600 or so.

bout the time all these stubburn facks hit home, when it looked lack thar wuznt nuthin that could be dun, the dam burst n emily cride lack never befor, so loud that frau seykova could hear n bein as curyas as inny human, she knocked on our door. mayhap twuz a coincidents on a counta the reason she sed she wuz cummin by wuz to ast us why we wuz usin so much water. wuz we takin baths moren twice a week? twuz sumthin bof me n emily foun a lil strange. everday we lived thar, frau seykova wood git a big bucket of hot water n wash all the stairs by hand. then she wood git a nuthern n rinse em off. so ye had to wonder why she wood be cumplainin bout us takin baths everday.

since emily wuz crine to hard to talk, i tole frau seykova how we tuck a bath everday. she tole us how twuznt healthy to do that, but the hole time, she couldnt keep frum lookin frum me to emily n back lack she wonted to know whut had i dun to make the tears flow the way they wuz a doin. emily wonted to talk, but she wuz sobbin so hard that thar jes wuznt no way fer her to git a wurd out.

so i splained the situwayshun to frau seykova n she ast wuz it a bruch, witch i figgerd that meant 'break,' n i sed twuz a hernia n went lookin fer my dickshunerry, whar i found out a bruch is whut them germs calls a hernia. bout then emily wuz under cuntrol agin n she splained how i couldnt take a dump, witch that riled me a lil on a counta it dint seem to be nuthin we had to tell frau seykova, but she sed it had to be 'ein bruch' n i sed i reckond probly wuz one after all but splained how i wuznt no docter n couldnt be certain. she ast to see it, so i pulled my pants down jes a nuff to let her see the bulge.

'gott in himmel!' she sed n off she went in german so fast we could hardly keep up but the point wuz i wuz a'gonna half to git a operayshun, witch as quick as she sed that, emily gut to crine agin. i almos laffed whenever frau seykova turnt to her n tole her to dry her eyes on a counta i wuz a'gone need her to be strong. thang is, emily dun it! then frau seykova tole her to cum with her. i wonted to follow long, but frau seykova tole me i wuznt to climb no stairs n she lived on the top floor.

turnt out back in hungary she had been a krankenschwester, witch wurd fer wurd that means 'sick sister' but it means nurse jes the same n she knew whut she wuz a'doin. she give emily a list of instruckshuns bout whut i wuz spozed to do n she called over to the hospital, witch lucky fer us thay wuz one rite cross the street. they cum back direckly n emily started splainin whut we had to do, witch we wuz spozed to go cross to the hospital n splain how i wuz hurtin, witch frau seykova innerupted to say i wuz to scream, 'furchtbar schmerzen, furchtbar schmerzen!' witch that meant terrbull pain. then emily tride to splain how i wuz spozed to hold onto myself down thar n scream sumthin, witch frau seykova tuck over agin n put her hand down to the same place on her bidy n demonstrated whut she sed i had to do n she woodnt rest till i gut to sayin it to satisfy her.

she splained that ifn i dint doot rite, they mite not git how serious twuz.  so i dun it, put my hand down near my crotch n gut to shoutin: furchtbar schmerzen!

sehr gut! she sed finely n we lef, only we dint wonta go on a counta how wuz we spozed to pay fer it? we figgerd we wood take a walk n then cum back home n hope she wuz finely mindin her own bizness by then.

but frau seykova cum out n cummenced to sweepin the walk in frunt of the buildin, so we crossed the street to the lil park in frunt of that hospital, hopin we could tarry long a nuff till she went back inside, but she wuz onto us, n nex thang ye know, here she cum, a huffin n a puffin lack crazy, broom tucked neath her arm lack twuz a shotgun. she grabbed emily by the arm n yanked her tords the hospital frunt door. i dint know whut to do so i follerd till we wuz nearly thar. she wheeled roun n ast me had i dun fergot whut i wuz spozed to do?

so i put my hand down to my crotch n started hollerin: furchtbar schmerzen! furchtbar schmerzen! furchtbar schmerzen!