sufferns of buddy don:
migrane hedache

thays this odd feelin ye git a while befor it starts n ifn yer lucky, ye notice it in time to do sumthin bout it. i generly git up everday n take two excedrin migrane strangth tablets n that keeps em off, but sumtimes tiz too late befor i notice. this mornin wuz one of them times. migrane dont make me hurt so much as they make me vomit.

my docter give me a perscripshun fer sum frova pills.  corse, they do stop the pain, but they still leave behin that awful holler feelin. they run $5.38 apiece, witch thats cheap ifn they wurked but rite steep ifn they dont.

they seem rite steep at the momint.

pinions of buddy don:
the art of war

thays this book called the art of war thats thousands of years old by a riter name of sun tzu. in it he eggzamines how ye win wars n thangs to avoid to keep frum bankruptin yer folks n overstretchin yer troops n cumin home in disgrace n even losin. in it he gives lots of ways ye kin avoid disaster or on tuther hand, ways ye kin win even if the odds is stacked agin ye. tiz a innerestin read n i advise ye to follow that lank n see whut ye thank. taint long.

thays a jurnlist at the new york times name of milt bearden that read sun tzus book n then wrote a articull bout how the enemy in iraq has eethur read it or studied the way the insurgents in afghanistan beat the russians with it on a counta how thar usin them same tackticks. his articull is called "Iraqi Insurgents Take a Page From the Afghan 'Freedom Fighters'" n tiz also wurth a read. heres a few of the main points:

1. sun tzu sed ye gut to attack the enemies strategy furst thang n thats whut the iraqis dun: "So it was probably no accident that as American forces approached Baghdad, expecting tough street fighting, the bulk of the Iraqi forces melted away. The American troops, forced to shift strategy on the run, have been bedeviled by the consequences of those early chaotic days ever since."
   
2. next ye go after the alliances, lack the un or the red cross or the poles or the italians or the jordanians or iraqi folks that heps our side out by bein po-leece or mayors or iraqi council members.
   
3. thurd thang sun tzu recommends is to attack the army of the enemy, speshly ifn ye kin doot without gittin attacked back, lack usin mortars to attack hotels or stingers anti-aircraft launchers to attack helicopters n such n usin homemade bombs to take out one or two of the enemy here n thar.
   
4. thang bout this is ye git to attack yer enemy n make him reack in ways that makes thang wurse fer his cause on a counta tiz hard to tell who the enemy is so in lookin fer em, yer almos bound to make sum innocent folk suffer n then they turns agin ye. milt bearden points out how the afghani 'freedom fighters' (witch that wuz osama bin ladens bunch that ronald raygun hepped start up) used this tacktick: "For every mujahedeen killed or hauled off in raids by Soviet troops in Afghanistan, a revenge group of perhaps a half-dozen members of his family took up arms. Sadly, this same rule probably applies in Iraq. "
   
5. finely, sun tzu sed ye gut to know yer enemy n know yerself. we cant ritely say we know eethur one verr well. we sartinly dint know whuther they had em them weppons of mass destruckshun (even ifn we did no bettern to use the wurds 'imminent' n 'threat' in the same sentence). we aint sartin whuter the enemy is bitter enders or al queda terrsts or saddams army or jes plane folk who hate to see thar cuntry overrun by forn troops. we dont speak thar lingo or unnerstan thar tradishuns. we dont even seem to member verr well whut the west taught em bout how to make a enemy suffer even when it has cuntrol of the place, lack lawrence of arabia dun, witch everbidy ought read his book "the seven pillars of wisdom."

thays sum bleeves saddam hussein wuz gittin reddy to fite us thisaway frum the verr beginnin. frum how he lost the war in 1991, he had dun figgered thay wuznt no way to beat us hed on. so sum thanks them iraqis stored up thar weppons n planned whar they wood hide n let us in sos they could start usin them principulls agin us. bes articull ive seen on that topick wuz in newsweek, writ by Vernon Loeb and Thomas E. Ricks, witch they even called it "Is this Saddam's counterattack?"

but wait, thars more, lack they say in them ads, on a counta whuts a'goin on in pakistan, whar ye mite member thay gut em a guy name of Pervez Musharraf as presdint, witch ye mite member hes one of them folks that bush dint know the name of whenever he wuz given that unfair pop quiz by the reporter when he wuz runnin his camp pain fer presdint (i mean, why should the presdint have to know bout such folk?). ye mite member how he sed twuz sumbidy who had dun brought stabilty to the subcontinet. not by usin democracy, witch thats the latest reasun fer why were a'doin whut were a'doin, but on violence on a counta how Pervez Musharraf tuck cuntrol of the cuntry by usin a miltary coup. so whut could he but up to now?

thays a articull that purty much tries to splain whuts a'goin on over thar in the daily times, a new voice for pakistan, witch the articull is called "Pakistan has legions of Bin Laden followers." dont read thisn ifn ye scare easy on a counta it tells how thangs is fallen apart over thar. the articull starts off with a quote frum our own cato institute: "'In Pakistan, there are legions of bin Ladin followers, plenty of links between government officials and terrorists and nuclear weapons that could fall into the hands of anti-American terrorists. This is not speculation,' according to Leon Hadar, a research fellow at the right-wing think tank the Cato Institute." these cato institute folks thanks pakistan is whar the real ackshun in terrism is, not iraq. tiz sum scary stuff.

aint no doubt that we gut the edge in the science of war. questchun is whuther the science of war kin beat the art of war.

dinner with ole friens of buddy don:
a evenin full of coincidents

las night me n miz buddy don had dinner with sum ole friens of ourn. one of ems a hair dresser who carries the nickname 'the fogger' n tutherns a skulpter name of susan abraham. shes the one that made sum of them skulptchers on the waterfrunt up in yonkers. we been friens ever since i gut marrd to miz bd, witch i been a'knowin the fogger since i met him in 1985 when i cum up to the city but miz bd jes met him on a counta me.

we hadnt seen em fer bout three years ceptn the miz gits her hair cut by the fogger, witch hes a artist lack ye never seen when it cums to hair. we been trine to lure em over to hoboken fer bout a year, but ifn ye know innythang bout folks that lives in manhattan, tiz how they have a low pinion of new jersey, witch they call it jersey n they call the folks that lives here 'b & t people,' witch that means bridge n tunnel people on a counta ye kin git to manhattan real easy using eethur a bridge, witch they gut em ten or so bridges, such as the george washington bridge or the brooklyn bridge or the one frum the song name of 59th street bridge, or a tunnel, witch thays three of them i kin recollect, namely the queens midtown tunnel n the holland tunnel n the one i take ever day, the lincoln tunnel.

n thang they hates to do mos of all is schlepp over to jersey, witch schlepp is a yiddish wurd fer lug thangs roun but tiz used lack 'go' only when yer trine to deal with movin roun in the city, schlepp seems to say it better.

innywho the new york waterway dun opened up a ferry line to the northern end of hoboken n ye kin catch it at 13th street. costs $5 one way fer a single person, so its a lil too steep fer my blood. i generly take the bus n git my bus pass fer the munth in eggschange fer $65. so we sold em on the idee of takin the ferry across n promissed em beeyootiful views n all, n fack is, once they gut here, they couldnt hardly bleeve how nice tiz.

we tuck em up to look at our apartment, witch folks luvs to show how nice thar place is ifn its nice n ours is. they wuz ritely impressed, mainly bout how thays a washer n drier built into the place n sum art on the walls on a counta i always been a sucker fer folks thats makin art. taint whut ye wood call a good investment in terms of makin money, but it does make fer a nice place ifn ye buy thangs ye luv, witch i dont know a nuff bout art to do nuthin else.

once they had made the tour of the apartment, we walked over to the madison bar n grill on the corner of washington n 14th street. thar we had a fine meal n lots of talk. n durin the talk, seemed lack mos everthang we sed led to sum mazin coincidents or other.

furst off, the fogger splained how he had him a good frien name of jim that used to live in hoboken but he had moved into manhattan on a counta his mama give him a town house on the east side in whut they call a upscale nayborhood. jims mamas on the rich side, case you dint pick thatn up.

so i ast the fogger had he seen his friend lately n turnt out thar had broke out a fuss n fite over sumthin nobidy could member ritely but it happened not long after his friend gut marrd, n long story short, twuz the end of the frienship. thang is, i had me a frien fer nigh onta 17 years, n whenever i gut marrd in 1997, twuz the end of the frienship. seems lack everthang changes whenever sumbidy gits marrd n thay aint the same mount of time lef over fer doin the thangs that made the frienship wurk n sides that, folks git jellus of the new wife or whutever. lease thats one way to splain it. tiz probly more complicated than i kin figger out.

so the fogger sed how he n his frien dont talk much no more n he hadnt seen him but once since the fite broke out. n fack is, he sed, twuz at a weddin of a nuther frien, witch he ast me did i know jake garrison? (in case yer wunderin, im a changin round sum of the names on a counta i dont know ifn folks wood lack me spillin thangs bout em a'usin thar real names). i sed matter of fack, i did know jake garrison n wuz i sprized to larn he wuz the one gut marrd.

the fogger splained bout how jake had marrd a heiress n i ast wuz he still fat on a counta whenever i wuz knowin him, he weighed in about 270 pounds n wuz one of the fattes folks i ever knew. n the fogger laffed a bit bout that n susan did too. thay splained how he had lost sum of his weight but gained it all back. i sed i wuz happy fer im. i member him bein a sad fat man on a counta woodnt no woman have nuthin to do with him.

so magine my sprize when they splained how he had marrd a woman name of esther cohen. witch i had been knowin her longer than innybidy thar. i couldnt bleeve it n had to show everbidy the inside of my mouth on a counta i could hardly keep it shut. i member her bein a purty thang but whut ye mite call a poor lil rich gurl. she wuz verr sad bout life even tho her daddy had dun set her up fer good to whar she dint half to wurk ifn she dint wonta. corse, she wood go crazy with nuthin to do, so i met her wurkin on wall street.

she lacked theater n i had writ a play that sumbidy had perduced, so we gut to be friens. she taught me lots bout drama n new york theater n all. once she directed a lil play n i wuz her assistunt directer.

so i wuz rite struck by the smallness of the worl n frankly amazed how she had marrd jake, witch hes a grate chef n thays lots to im but she wuz always a snob bout how folks looked n whut they did fer a livin n her daddy had tole her that inny man wurth his time wood make it to ceo, witch that aint sumthin jake wood ever wonta do. thang is, hes jewish n that counts fer a lot to her daddy, n he had em make up one of them prenuptshul agreements.

corse, turnt out jake n esther had met on a counta my ole frien of seventeen years, witch lets call him homer southern. so purty soon we gut the fogger to tellin bout him a lil n twuz the furst we had herd of him in years. twuz sad to lose a frien lack i dun n this aint the time to git into all the details that led to that, but ifn i kin keep a'goin with the life n pinions of buddy don, i oughta cum to it by n by.

so nex thang ye know, susan pulled out sum pitchers of her art in yonkers n miz bd sed she thought her stuff looked lack the thangs pavel opocensky is known fer. whut a sprize! she sed she had shared a studio with him n they did have similar idees bout skulptchur n all. whut a small worl, we wuz sayin. they gut to talkin bout the three act play of this mans life, witch he started out as a artist n then gut into a scrape with a skinhed n killt him so he had to got to prison fer a while n then he gut out n started in to makin art agin, only purty soon he wuz arrested fer endangerin children on a counta his art wuz made by rentin a cuple of roma (ye mite know em as 'gypsies' even tho tiz a ugly term to thar ears) children n takin thar pitchers. twuz a nuff to git him back into prison.

twuz quite a sprize how both miz bd n susan had met this same guy. corse, miz bd wuz livin in prague whenever we found each other agin (a nuther tale ill tell ifn i live long a nuff), so she gut to talkin bout prague n we all joined in talkin bout the charles bridge thar.

nex thang ye know, a purty blond hedded woman frum the table nex to ourn sed to scuze her but she couldnt hep overhearin whut we wuz talkin bout. turnt out she wuz frum prague n wuz a czech her ownself. n that led to more conversaytin bout prague n miz bds five years a'livin thar.

finely the dinner wuz over n paid fer n we walked the fogger n susan out to the ferry. n round then, both miz bd n susan sed how we shoulda ast the blond hedded woman did she know pavel opocensky, but fer all we knew, she mite coulda been his daughter.

thankee from buddy don:
max riffster, owner of mind warp, gives a lessun in comments

ye mite notice how thays a place he kin put in yer comments at the bottom of everthang i rite now. ye kin thank the ownder of a cuple sites, witch one is called mind warp n tuther is max riffter's dungeon. i aint hardly clever a nuff to figger his real name, so im callin him max riffster n i cant hep but wunder whuther he plays guitar n all n ifn he does, is he a max riffster. reckon i need to read his sites a lil more keerful lack. i git a kick outta his mind warp site on a counta hes a verr funny guy. ifn ye wont a lil laff to start yer day, read thisn bout signs.

innywho, max riffster wuz kind a nuff to send me sum clues on how ye kin git them lil comments thangs to wurk on yer site n the sprize wuz how twuz so easy. i shoulda dun it long time ago.

thankee, max!

life of buddy don, chaptur 73:
death is all aroun, inside n out

one of the classes i wuz takin that fall wuz existenchulism frum a grate teecher name of docter hans wilhelm schreiber. this wuz one class daddy dint lack me to be a'takin. whenever he herd i had it, he sed, 'i thought we wuz dun with them depressed communists back when we debunked that nauseatin john paul sart.' i tole him twuz still a'goin on n it had developed sum since then, but he dint wonta here it. he figgered twuz a ded flossofy n dint desurv much study. but twuz one of the bes classes i had on a counta that teechur. corse, the bes lessun wuz one docter hans wilhelm schreiber dint mean to teech, witch ill git to thatn direckly.

one of the mane thangs docter schreiber dun fer me wuz git me goin on this hans georg gadamer fella, witch hes a flossofer who bleeved that ye kin only unnerstand innythang so far as ye kin splain it usin wurds. twernt sumthin i wonted to bleeve, but i wuz havin a devil of a time proovin innythang else. thatn gut me in such a snit i wuz wonderin how i could thank bout ritin a novel, but i had dun started on it n had promissed i wood finish, so i rote on even tho it seemed lack my hole life wuz in rebellyun agin wurds n whut i wuz findin out bout em.

i member one day in particlar. i gut to whar i wuz ritin in my diary mos everday bout how wurds wuz too weak a vee-hickle to carry the thangs that needed sayin. i wood walk roun the utk campus thankin so hard bout this that i could fergit whar i wuz.

so twuz i cum to be standin in front of the undergraduwait libary on the corner of volunteer boulevard n andy holt avenue waitin to cross on a cold december day. i wuz so lost in thankin bout wurds that i wuz sprized when two wurds wuz shouted out in my die reckshun: 'hey rabbi!'

in the instunt i turned to look, i sumhow had time to wunder how the mind kin figger thangs lack it does, how it kin determine whar that them wurds cum frum, how they cum frum a car, a particlar car, a faded blue pontiac in fack that wuz stopped at the red lite goin uphill on andy holt, waitin fer it to turn green, how sumhow i could locate the lil fella in the middle of the back seat of the same car n could look into his eyes n see he wuz the one dun it n how i coud watch how five out of the six guys in the car wuz lookin at me, all ceptn the driver, n how they got the lite n drove up andy holt n i wuz still watchin when the lil man in the middle of the back seat held up his fanger to flip me the bird.

n the furst thang i thought wuz how that bird wuznt eggzackly wurds but it gut its point across, only rite away tuther half of my mind jumped in to remind me twuz a symbol he had used.

n that same day i went down to the macdonalds on the strip n ordered sum coffee n gut to ritin on my book. n in cum a talk black man with blood shot eyes n the drool runnin down offn his chin. i tride not to look at him till he cum rite up to me n leaned over n let the spit fall from his cheek onto the pages i wuz ritin, makin the wurds run in puddles of blue n purple. it seemed to amuse him, so he let a lil more fall till i stood up n pulled my papers to me.

n that seemed to make him a lil mad to whar he tuck a swipe with his lef hand at me. n i wuz jes as sprized as he wuz at how my lef hand cum out n caught hisn as if i wonted to do a hippy handshake of sumthin n he wuz pushin hard but bein as how he wuz a lil drunk, he wuznt all that steddy on his feet, so i could push back bettern he could push. n suddenly he tuck a swing with his rite hand, n thar went my rite hand, sprizing bofus at how it caught his hand n begtun to squeeze on it to whar he wuz hurtin.

i could see the scurity gard a'comin over in tellin the man he wuz a'gone half to leeve, but he wuznt budgin n then thar wuz the po-leece cumin with thar walkie talkies blarin n we wuz bout to be surrounded. n rite then i looked the man in his eyes n my eggspresshun sed how we wuz in thisn together n dint he see i wuznt the enemy. i dont know hot to splain it, but i knew he could see whut i wuz meanin, so he winked at me, let my hands go, n run out.

that evenin whenever susannah cum over i could see how she wuz upset by sumthin n turnt out mj had been a'callin everbidy to cumplain bout virgils wicked ways, witch i cant member the offents he had committed on this occayshun. n i listened n dint say nuthin till i felt that verr same eggspresshun on my face whar i wuz sayin we wuz in thisn together n all, n rite then she melted n cum into my arms n give me a kiss. n thang is, even while i wuz kissin her, i wuz thankin bout how i hadnt sed a wurd but she tuck my meanin jes fine.

then i tole her bout my addventchurs, savin the hey rabbi story fer las since i knew she wood lack it n shore a nuff she did. n bout the time i had that thought reddy to sprang frum my lips into wurds, the phone rung n twuz my mama callin to tell me maisies frien georgia crane had died of cancer n wood i be able to take her to the funrul? n for i could say innythang, she sed twuz fer 2 pm the nex day n i should meet maisie at mama's by 1:45. n i sed i wood doot.

nex day wuz existentchulism class n docter hans wilhelm schreiber cum in n sed he wuznt a'gone give us the normal class on a counta he had found blood in his urine cuple weeks back n his docters had dun figgered how twuz cancer he had. n he sed ever since he had foun that out, he dint thank sum of the stuff we wuz studyin wuz all that importunt no more. n he sed that even tho he knew twuz loded with myth, all he could thank to read wuz the bible. then he innerduced us to a new teechur who wuz a'gone take over the class, n then he wuz gone. n nex i herd of him, he had dun died.

twuz quite a lesson in existentchulism n the day he tole us bout findin the blood in his urine, he tole us he knew he woodnt last long n he wuz wunderin bout everthang he had dun been teechin us n we wuz filled with wunder to thank bout whut he wuz sayin, speshly since we all thought he wuz one of the bes teechurs ever n we had bleeved everthang he had been a'sayin bout reason n existence precedin essence n all.

so corse my mind wuz full of thoughts bout all that whenever i lef n drove to oak ridge to git maisie. twuz a verr sad funrul since georgia wuz so young. i had known her sepert from maisie knowin her on a counta whenever i had that horse name of lil dude northfleet out on my uncle brines farm, georgia wuz one of the gurls that hung round with gretchen n them. n she wuz so quite n shy i dint hardly git to know her much n ye mite say everthang i did know bout her wuz wurdless knowledge.

i wuz still filled with the wunder of whut i wuz thankin bout wurds n docter schreiber n all as i watched the ritchuls they wuz usin to make everbidy feel ok bout puttin georgias body into a box n buryin it in the ground n i couldnt hep but notice how much of the meanin of the hole thang wuz all in the way the revernd moved n the way they all ate the wafer n drunk the grape juice n all, witch that wuz thonly time i ever saw em do that at a funrul.

afterds, me n maisie drove down to our spot by the lake whar she cride n cride while i wuz holdin on to her. n she sed how she death wuz all around her, n then she gut to talkin bout the aborshun n how thay had been a lil child in her belly that wuz a'wontin to live but wuz ded now, n she sed it felt lack she wuz surrounded by death, inside n out.

thay wuznt no wurds to say back to her, so i jes kep huggin her n strokin her hed. n finely she sed she reckoned we mite as well git hi, so we did n befor long we wuz tellin stories bout georgia n whenever we did, seemed lack my memry wuz jogged bout ridin horses n how her horse wuz named carla n twuz a brood mare n how whenever they wuz breedin her, she wood be eatin hay n turn back to look at the over eggcited stud lack she wished he wood git on with it n let her eat. n purty soon we wuz laffin bout how life n death wurks.

i tuck her back to mamas n tole her to call innytime she needed innythang.

when i gut home, i found a note with ten dollars from kevin karnes. n thar wuz tinker, my cat, astin to be let in. n he wuz rite affeckshunit n crawled into my lap till i gut a phone call frum randy fox sayin how he wuz gittin a divorce, witch twernt a sprize atall. n whenever i gut off the phone, i saw whar tinker had dun peed in the corner, so i put im back out.

nex day mj foun his body by the rode n brought it home so we could bury it. n twuz only the small death of a small animull, but when i saw his lil body, seemed lack i could see docter schreiber n georgia n maisies baby n everthang that ever lived or died in the orange tangle of mud n cat that wuz lef over frum its life.

n the wurds runnin thru my mind wuz maisies, overn over, bout how death is all around, inside n out.

life of buddy don, chaptur 72:
beerds of a feather

one of the mos sprizin thangs that happened in the fall of 1977 wuz randy fox gittin marrd. he had dun disappeared, falln right off the earth as far as we could tell, n we hadnt seen im in munths. then one day he cums over n woodnt take a toke with us n sed he wuz gittin marrd to a woman name of jenny skinner frum over in harriman. his bruther wuz a'gone be bes man, witch we dint know he even had a bruther till then, n he wonted me n virgil to be ushers in the weddin party, n corse, we wuz reddy to hep innyhow we could.

i wuz happy fer my frien whenever he tole us bout gittin marrd, tho it did seem to be a bit of a stretch frum whar he wuz las time i had seen im. ye mite coulda thought he wooda been ded by then, but tiz one thang to lode yer gun, a nuther to stick it into yer mouth n pull on the trigger.

we pesterd him with questchuns lack whar had he met her n had he known her befor n such lack, but the ansers dint stick with me. seems now lack it did then that he musta met her one evenin proposed the nextn. turnt out he had been a'knowin her frum roane state communty collidge n we tride, but couldnt a one of us member who she wuz, witch twuz on a counta her not bein a smoker of theevil weed. n she wuznt yer flashy type, so twernt lack sum of them 'church women,' as sum of us called em whenever we wuz talkin bout the purty gurls that got all dressed up to go to skool n dint lack to drank nor smoke nor do much of innythang we thought wuz fun. we mite speckulate on how twood be to git a date with one n show her how to have a good time, but nobidy never dun nuthin bout it.

ceptn fer fox, n he had dun started makin eyes with this jenny skinner woman, n thang bout randy fox wuz how he had these green eyes that women jes luved lookin into. he wuz a big boned fella who looked bout rite when he weighed in round 230 lbs. he walked with a limp, witch twuz sumthin we shared whenever the weather wuz jes rite on a counta how my lef laig, witch thats the one i broke in that motorsickle acksident, wood git to achin n make me walk a lil funny too. but he never did nuthin but limp on it, n the thang i member mos bout im is the way he wood seem to lif up his lef shoulder n swang his laig roun in frunt n then take a step. n thay wuz plenty of times he wood carry a walkin stick n put it down on the groun n kindly jump his right laig roun in frunt of im.

turnt out this jenny skinner wuz a nurse practishuner, witch thats one that aint ritely a docter but knows bout as much n kin practice at bein the real thang, or sumthin lack that. i never really gut it figgerd cumpletely, n i thank god i dint half to spend a nuff time in hospitals to figger it out. but fer randy, twernt nuthin that could be better fer im on a counta he had moren more medicin he wuz takin all the time n he wood go under the knife bout once or twice a year, sumtimes jes to let his docters take a look, sumtimes to git a new piece of plastick put in to ack lack his femur. he used to joke bout how he oughta have a zipper installed, n in summer time he lacked to wear shorts now n then so he could make everbidy look at how awful them scars wuz.

innywho, he sumtimes gut into thankin bout how he wuz a loser at life on a counta how he wuz dependent on drugs n couldnt hold a job past the nex surgry n all, so he always figgered thay wuznt no way no woman wood wonta git hitched with him.

but i wood always tell him bout how women wood talk bout his eyes n how he mite seem lack a hells angel or sumthin, but his eyes wuz gentle as a baby lambs n it made women wonta see could they fix him up. tiz a rule i wooda added to my rules on how women wurks ifn i had knowed it back whenever i wuz puttin them rules down, witch women luvs to take on a projeck in a man to see kin they fix him, witch thats why sum of em lacks to marr gay men n sum of em lacks to marr outlaws n sum of em lacks to marr drunkerds n sum even lacks to marr them that beats em up. i cant splain why this should be, but i have seen it many a time.

jes to show ye how sorry we had becum as fans of them vols, he gut marrd on the thurd saturdy in october n dint nobidy say twuz a bad day on a counta twuz the day alabama n tennessee played football, or as folks mite coulda sed in them days, twuz the day bama wood give tennessee thar annual whuppin, on a counta lack everbidy knows n cant seem to fergit, twuz durin the darkest days of that rivalry when bear bryant wuz still alive n luved to tortcher tennessee. he wood say thangs bout his team to sports illustrated lack, 'we aint gut much this year,' n then cum n whup us with his furst n secunt n thurd strang players, n i mean knock us over n even hep us git back up, a horrbull thang that lasted fer eleven strate years.

in sted, we made plans lack thay wuznt nuthin else of importunts happenin that day, startin with the rehearsal dinner fer the fridy nite befor. i met susannah at her place n tride to git her to move a lil faster so we wood be on time. she gut dressed n reddy quick a nuff sos we culd walk over to randys parnts place. we wuz only bout fifteen mints late, n lack happens when folks is up to sumthin a lil unusual, nobidy wuz reddy thar neethur.

i met randys mama n bruther fer the furst time n rite away i could see whar he gut them eyes. his mama wuz old as mine but she had the purtiest eyes ye ever seen only hers wuz blue in sted of green. she wuz a verr smart lady but she ackted lack her husbin wuz smarter on a counta he wuz a mathmatishun n had lots of advanced degrees n all, but ye could spot her fer the smarter of the two after bout ten mints of conversayshun. she unnerstood her son a hole lot bettern randys dad dun, witch he mosly seemed lack he wuz afraid of his own son.

his bruther wuz mister strate n narrow cordin to everthang we wuz tole bout him. he had gone strate to collidge whenever he graduwaited from oak ridge hi skool n he wuz studyin to be eethur a mathmatishun lack his daddy or a injuneer n he wuz chasin a duble majur to git it dun. he wuz even biggern randy even tho he wuz younger, n he had them eyes but looked a lil on the fat n sof side, witch that wuz sumthin ye couldnt say bout randy ever.

virgil n mj met us at the foxes, n we gut into the car randy wuz a drivin, witch twuz a stayshun wagon that blonged to jennys father on a counta they wuz doin sumthin to his new car, we all smoked a number ceptn fer randy n couldnt nobidy bleeve he wuz really givin up theevil weed, n fack is, soons we wuz outta earshot of im, mj sed the marrg wuznt a'gone last longern a year maybe on a counta ye cant make sumthin strate that gods dun made crooked, witch she figgered thats how god mint randy fox to be, crooked. virgil gut mad to here her say sumthin lack that n sed the lease she could do wuz be postive till the marrg wuz over, n she sed she wuz postive that twuz the rong thang fer randy to do.

furst thang we dun whenever we gut to harriman wuz all the men went to look at the wurk that had been dun to randys new car, witch he had bought him a lincoln town car n thay had put new radial white walled tires on it n tuned it up n changed the oil n dun sum kinda wurk on the injun that we had to bend over to look at n purtend we could see how much better twuz, witch i reckontwuz better on a counta how virgil reackted.

after we had talked over everthang ye kin say bout car wurk, we all went into meet jenny n her folks, witch i dint know that wuz whar we wuz a'goin, but i gut it figgerd out purty quick. once we wuz in thar, the odd thang wuz how everbidy wuz jes as much lack church folk as could be, even susannah n mj, ceptn the ushers n bes man n groom on a counta we all had beerds. n twuz lack a bunch of marshuns had landed the way them church folk carrd on bout our beerds. randys wuz red as could be, n they wuz jokin bout him bein the devil, witch he always lacked folks to tell thatn. virgils wuz on the red side of brown n his bruthers wuz wispy n long n dark brown, n mine wuz black as could be. folks lacked to say i looked lack charles mansun. they made us line up together fer picthers to be tuck n gut the joke goin bout beerds of a feather stickin together.

twuz durin a time i wuz wunderin bout mos everthang i bleeved. i wuz spozed to be ritin a novel n i wuz thanin how i could barely bleeve in the power of wurds to do innythang but pollute reality. dint seem to me lack i could trust em to tell nuthin true, that everthang they dun was lack shadowplay on the wall or sumthin, witch ye kin see i wuz readin too much plato n aristotle n all.

but i member how we cum in n i dint feel lack sayin much of innythang. n i wuz disgusted with susannah on a counta how she jes had to keep talkin n she attached herself to jenny skinners grandma n they gut to talkin lack they wuz ole friens. n while i wuz watchin her n thankin bout how twuz impossibull fer sum folk not to be flappin thar gums whenever thay wuz new folk aroun, i cum to reelize sumbidy had made the offer of coffee. i dint catch who twuz, so i looked out into the room of dressed up church folk n sed to the hole room, 'did ye ast if innybidy wonted coffee?' n thar wuz a old man who lifted his cup n smiled at me, so i walked over to him n rite away a woman started callin out how he should boil the water n how taint everbidy that lacks thar instunt coffee made with hot tap water, witch i tole him i dint mind it thataway, but he had dun put on the teapot.

we stood thar talkin in bout the same manner i wuz jes critsizing susannah in my mind fer doin n i gut to know him n mos of the fambly, witch they wuz all bout as seryus and strate as daddy n mamas generayshun. he wuz takin sum classes over to roane state communty collidge his ownself, trine to larn ritin a lil better on a counta he had im a lifetime of stories he wonted to tell. he laffed bout it n sed bof he n his wife wuz takin classes, only she wuz gittin better marks even tho she wuz only goin on a counta he wuz.

i ast bout his teechurs n furst thang he sed wuz how mr leopold had dun turnt his thanin round on lots of thangs, n i sed 'shoot the devil,' whenever i herd it n tole bout how he had dun the same thang fer me. we gut to tradin stories over that n i could see he wuz a lot lack me only much older. n he sed i shouldnt tell his wife nor nobidy, but he had dun gut to thankin bout that baptist relijun he had always bleeved in n now he had questchuns bout it n he sed it felt better to live in doubt but to be a'larnin bout the truth, than to be sartin ye had the truth but livin in fear of doubt or inny idees that could lead ye to doubt. n i agreed.

purty soon twuz time to leave out fer the rehearsal n at the church thay wuz a passel of other folk who wuz a'gone be part of the weddin, mainly thar wuz the bridesmaids n jenny, witch she hadnt been at her parnts house on a counta they wuz all makin thar dresses n she wuz lack the rangleader. n them gurls wuz all bout as purty a bunch of cuntry women as ye ever saw whenever thar mouths wuz closed n ifn they had jes tuck care of thar teeth, they coulda been beeyooty queens or sumthin, but fer sum reason, ever last one of em had either a bad cap or a grey tooth or even one missin, rite up frunt. twuz lack one of them bad jokes folks lacks to tell bout vol fans. mayhap ye dun herd one, lack the one bout neyland stadium on saturdy afternoon bein filled with 80 thousund fans n three teeth.

we wuz all amazed by the reheasal. twuz led by a big ole fat lady name of miz patterson n furst thang she dun wuz ast susannah could she fill in fer one of the bridesmaids that couldnt make the rehearsal but suze woodnt half to wurry nun on a counta everbidy wood be thar fer the ackshul weddin. she tuck us thru the hole thang twicet befor innybidy could hardly notice we had dun begun it n long befor we wuz hungry. tunrt out she had been doin weddins mos of her life n could knock out two or three a week. suddenly twuz lack skool wuz out n she dismissed us after remindin us bout our nex class, witch that wuz the weddin its ownself fer nex day.

we et the rehearsal dinner at the holday inn in harriman n fer sum reason, all i could thank bout wuz my own rehearsal dinner when i wuz bout to marr up with darlene.

the dinner wuz roast beef n salad n baked taters with sour cream n fresh baked bread. susannah ast me whut i wuz a'gone do when they put that plate of meat in frunt of me, n i sed whut i wuznt gone do wuz make a scene, so i et the meat lack twuz my favert. it give me the runs afterds, but twuz a small price to pay.

me n randy gut to talkin bout sum of our adventchurs n that kep everbidy entertained durin dinner. we dint mentchun sum of the mos importunt parts, lack how we wuz buyin n sellin takin thangs ye aint spozed to be buyin n sellin n takin, n we wuz able to sugges that we had lived purty wild n young n mr skinner splained how he had dun the same whenever he wuz young, witch that made miz skinner hit im on the sholder, but he jes laffed n winked at randy n me.

the weddin wuz the nex day, n i cant member a thang bout it, ceptn a pitcher they tuck of the beerds of a feather. i member how evebidy wuz sayin how we wuz dangerus men n wuz goin places n all, but i cant member much of nuthin bout jenny skinner or jenny fox once she wuz marrd. cant member how long they wuz marrd befor it cum to the obveeus conclushun of divorce.

but i member how they sed them beerds of a feather wuz all alike n i wuz thankin we wuznt, but time wood show how ifn ye watch thar story long a nuff, even if they dont have beerds, everbidys beerds of a feather.

pinions of buddy don:
blogs are the sinapses of the growin global brain

thays this guy name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin who wuz a geolgist n paleontolgist n he had im sum idees bout how everthang is all jes one big thang. mayhap ye member me ritin (eethur one of the two of yuns that reeds this here blog) bout anselms proof of god, witch thatn goes that god is defined as the gratest possibull bein of all n a bein that exists is grater than one that dont, so he exists. taint everbidy that goes along with thatn, but fer me tiz rite hard to disproov.

corse, ye kin agree toot n still not have the lease idee whut the gratest bein possibull wood be lack. i dun give thisn lots of thought n it occurred to me to alter it a lil, witch in my version, the gratest bein possibull is grater ifn it cumprises everthang than ifn tiz separate since twood be grater ifn twuz whutever twuz n included the univers too.

i aint claimin to unnerstan all the idees of teilhard de chardin, but they lead me to sum idees bout whuts a'goin on in this worl. as ye mite have noticed, thars two mane ways folks goes about thar lives. on the one hand, theys all competin with each other fer food n jobs n the bes place to live n a good seat in neyland stadium on the third saturdy in october ifn alabama is cummin to town. on tuther, theys wurkin together, co-operatin, sos they kin have thangs lack rodes n bridges n poe-leecmen n laws n a army to perteck us n all.

then ye gut this here internet thang a'goin on. more n more folk all the time are gittin attached toot n once they do, they git to habits of reeding sartin thangs. ifn ye thank bout everthang bein jes one big thang n the earth lack a lil organism thats growin in the womb of the solar system, then ye gut to magine its organs, thangs lack the rain forests to be lack lungs n the oceans n rivers lack veins n arteries n the core of the earth bein kindly lack a backbone n all, then ye git to thankin bout whut is the brain, n thar ye cum to yer humans, n together theys a'buildin the eyes n ears n other senses of the earth as a hole creetchur. n thats jes a hop skip n a jump from reelizin how ever person is kindly lack a brain cell in the growin brain of earth.

now with the innernet n cameras n loudspeekers n tv n radio n yew name it, this here creetchur called earth jes gits bettern better at usin its senses. n with the internet, we git to whar the brain cells kin set up thar synapses, as twere. folks thats got the net gits into habits of reedin sartin thangs ever day, of bookmarkin thangs n goin back to im so thar knowledge n unnerstandin of whutever tiz that innerests em gits stronger all the time. at furst, twuz purty much a passive thang whar everbidy wood git the information bein put out to em by the same folks thats talkin lack the man of the thousand voices, the newspapers n such.

but after a while, them folks that wuz jes buildin thar knowledge gut to makin thar own noises. purty soon the net wuznt jes a place to git informayshun, but a place to share it as well. n earths brain jes gits stronger n stronger till if a helicopter goes down in tikrit, thays folks speckulatin bout it roun the worl. n we git informayshun frum folks lack salam pax in baghdad, witch hes the one that wuz givin us a look at how thangs wuz goin in baghdad whenever the war wuz startin but we hadnt tuck over yet. n fer that matter, hes givin lots of news bout how thangs is goin now that we gut the hole situwayshun under cuntrol, or whutever we gut it under now.

n ye kin see how the cells kin cum n go n still the earths brain grows. thars a'gone cum a time whenever everbidy has lil chips in thar heds sos they kin be 'online' all the time. n tharll cum a time when everbidy that has the chip has access to all the knowledge the hole lecktronick brain has dun figgered out.

wunder ifn it kin figger out how to keep frum lettin the earth git so sick till humans follow the dinosaurs to extinckshun?

life of buddy don, chaptur 71:
whuther pi is a priori

whenever virgil n i begun goin to skool over at utk, the routine of life changed cumpleetly. twuz the fall of 1977 n we had us only my vw wurkin reglar, so we rode to skool together. ye mite could be wunderin bout my frienship with virgil. i aint sed a hole lot bout it on a counta tiz hard to splain since twuz jes talk fer the mos part. i hadnt never met a nuther frien better at conversayshun, tho i reckon i met sum real good talkers since then.

but thar wuz always sumthin speshul bout the way we could talk n the thangs we wuz dreamin n such lack. we gut us into sum truble sevral times back in californy on a counta how we wood start talkin bout sumthin n then fergit to go home on time. twuz virgil that taught me whut the wurd rapport means even ifn he dint know it his own self.  but we had us one frum the mint we met n that wuz purty much our hole frienship. corse, we wuz both at lease hot fer darlene at one point, n i figger ye mite could say we wuz in luv with her, but that wuz jes a coincidents.

we talked bout mos everthang thar could be. he lacked trine to splain his inventchuns n perdickshuns of thangs to cum. he tole me thay wuz a'gone be flat screen tvs years befor thay wuz inny, n he had idees bout car transmisshuns n gear ratios n how wheels should wurk n how to make thangs levitate n how to use microwaves yew name it. i cant ritely say i unnerstood everthang he had invented, but it stretched my brain to try to keep up with his conceps.

we wuz poor as could be n dint have no money fer theevil weed nor lots of tuther thangs we had smoked or dropped or whutever, n that wuz a good thang since skool wuz gittin harder all the time. we did grow us a bit of theevil weed in a patch of tall weeds nex to the garden n thang wuz, folks couldnt even pick out theevil weed frum the weeds. corse, folks wood figger thatn out in a nuther cuple years, n ifn ye gut innythang a'growin, twuz lackly sumbidy else wood git the harvest frum it. but we had more or less acksidently grown us sum n that purty much had to do fer us till the nex year.

so whut we dun wuz load jes a pinch in a lil pipe that we lef in the glove box durin the day n whenever we wuz drivin home, we wood smoke it. n thang wuz, we dint have but one or two tokes frum it n frum that we larnt that it dont take but a lil to git ye hi. mos folks never larns that on a counta they keep smokin n never give jes a cuple puffs a chants. n thats how we cum to unnerstan the concep of reverse tolerunts, witch ye have with theevil weed but not with hard likker, sad to say.

innywho, we fell into the habit of leevin fer skool early in the mornin. n we gut into a argumint that we kep at fer purty much the res of our lives. i reckon i could call him today n ifn i caught him sober n started splainin my half of the argumint, he wood fall into hisn quick as ye could blank yer eyes.

befor i git into the details of the argumint, i should splain that he wuz studyin to be a engineer n takin as many fizzicks classes as he could. he called em the hard sciences, n i had to add mitt they wuz hard. i wuz studyin flossofy n histry n whut he called the librul arts or soft sciences. n thang wuz, my corses wuz hard on a counta ye had to be able to rite essays n his wuz hard on a counta ye had to be able to do math.

in later years he even claimed that the hard sciences wuz all publicans n the librul arts wuz all demcrats, witch that prooves to ye how he wuznt whut ye wood call a empericull scientist. he wuz a theoreticull one, ifn he wuz one atall.

that quarter i wuz takin four classes, witch they wuz science vs. pseudoscience, the flossofy of literchur, existentchulism, n flossofy of mind. i speck ill splain bout sum of em direckly. he wuz takin statisticks n lecktricull injuneerin n such lack. the wunder is that we wood have innythang atall to talk bout.

but we did, n heres the basick argumint. on his side, he bleeved that befor thay wuz innythang, thay wuz pi, witch thats whut ye git whenever ye divide 22 by 7, fer eggzample, or when ye wonta figger out the circumfrunts of a circkle n such lack thangs. tiz a concep that ye need to deescribe mos innythang in the hard sciences, n twuz one of virgils faverts. so whenever the universe wuz about to start up, he figgered pi alreddy existed, even right thar in the nuthinness befor the start,  sumhow twuz already thar, jes a'wurkin away, gittin set to guide everthang thru the steps frum bein nuthin to bein everthang.

my half of the argumint wuz that pi wuz sumthin folks made up to splain as bes they could the thangs they wuz seein round em. i argued that thays no such thang as a purrfeck circkle, but frum lookin at all the near purrfeck ones ye could see, ye gut the idee of whut a purrfeck one wood be lack, n frum that ye gut to whar ye wuz able to make rules bout how twood wurk ifn ye used it to figger distuntses n ratios n such in a purrfeck worl, witch thisn aint tall purrfeck. but figgern thangs fer the ideel wuz useful in the ackshul on a counta twuz close a nuff fer gummint wurk.

twuz really jes a rehash of one of the mos basick conceps of flossofy, witch that wood be whar plato sed thar wuz a worl of ideal forms n the real worl participates in it, n aristotle cum long n sed why did ye half to cum up with a maginary worl of ideel forms when ye had the reel worl rightchere to deal with.

n thang wuz, virgil dint bleev thar wuz a god n i bleeved thar wuz, witch when ye thank bout it, seems lack we shoulda been on the opposit sides of thatn frum the sides we wuz on. ye mite wunder why wood i say this. tiz on a counta if thar wuz pi befor thar wuz the worl, then how could thar be no god on a counta ifn thay warnt nuthin but pi, woodnt that be god?

we wood talk n talk n talk bout this n take off on ever tangint we could find n git the inventchuns he wonted to make. but sad thang bout this is how them inventchuns wuz lack them ideel forms.  they never did git into the reel worl.

refleckshuns of buddy don:
seein hisself thru a nuthers eyes

las nite i had dinner with a old frien name of george ochoa, witch hes the riter i writ bout yesterdy. i hadnt seen george in over a year. he n his fambly lives a lil north in whut they call 'upstate' new york, tho taint that far away. he takes the train in ever now n agin, n i had writ im a email astin did he wonta have dinner n talk sumtime.

we met in times square n walked over to a typical diner, witch the diners here is purty much all run by greeks. fack is, whenever i furst cum to the city, i wuz sprized by the way folks frum differnt cuntries wood speshulize in particlar kinds of wurk: ye gut indians at mos of the newstands, pakistnis drivin cabs, jews in the jewelry bizness, irish cops n firefiters, jamaican phlebotomists, n a corse, yer greeks in diners. a diner is a kinda coffee shop whar ye kin git mos innythang to eat and taint eggspensive n ye kin sit fer hours n talk n theyll jes keep branging ye coffee or tea or jes water.

the one we stopped at is called the red flame n its on 44th street jes east of 6th avenue, witch yer toursts calls thatn avenue of americas. he had sent me a story he had writ name of 'ten sleep,' n that wuz the main topick of conversayshun. i wont bore ye with too many of the details. far as i kin tell, whut riters talk bout amung theyselves aint all the innerestin to folks that aint riters, lease till the riter gits famus.

since he had sent me his story, i tole him a lil bout this blog n whut i wuz a trine to do. he read im a cuple of chapturs, witch he couldnt git the furst two to cum up on his screen so i gut wurk cut out fer me to figger why that wood be. then he gut to readin thisn n thatn on a counta i had dun splained bout how since tis a blog, each chaptur kindly has to be a cumplete reedin eggsperience kindly lack a lil story. corse, tiz also a novel that the riter (whoevers makin up buddy don n everthang he ever rites) is hopin will hang tugether.

innywho, he sed whenever he furst tuck a look at it, he dint lack it much on a counta he aint no big fan of riters that rite in dialeck, but beins how we been friens fer so long, he stuck with it. that wuz nice, but whut wuz better wuz how he sed once he gut the rhythm of it, witch he sed twuz musicull moren innythang else n i lacked that a lot, then he dint have no truble reedin it. but he had questchuns bout why i wood do such a thang.

fer instunts, he sed, hes been a'knowin me fer near 20 years n never once has he herd me talk thataway. tiz true on a counta ye cant git nowhar up here usin that kinda talk, tho folks luvs to here ye say yessir n nosir n yes ma'am n no ma'am, witch thatn seems to wurk purty good wharever ye go. but he sed thang wuz, whenever he wuz reedin them chapturs, witch he sed he lacked chaptur 46: shoot the devil n wuz amazed at its strucktchur n wundered how long it had tuck me to rite it. i tole him twuz lack all of em, i only had bout a hour n a half ever mornin to rite much of innythang n i wuz jes as amazed at the strucktchur of thatn n lots of them chapturs.

n thats a fack bout this here ritin thang ima trine to do. i cum up with buddy don as a care-acter n figgered he wood talk the way my grandparnts n even daddys generayshun talked on a counta they lacked to sit round n tell stories bout whut happened in the fambly. i cant say whar buddy don cum frum, but whenever i have the guts to call him up fer a nuther chaptur, seems lack i fall into a spell almos n then jes rite my fool fangers off n later i cant thank how i could a dun it.

thang is, it seems lack buddy dons a differnt purson frum me, witcht that wood be the riter whos makin all this stuff up outta his hed, even tho im the one sittin at the keybird whenever hes ritin. tis beyond innythang i kin splain.

mayhap the mos innerestin thang he sed bout it wuz how even tho hes never herd the riter of this talk lack buddy don, he sed he could here my voice whenever hes a reedin it. ye kin see why riters claims to have muses that heps em rite, only tiz hard to splain even by sumbidy whos eggspreriencin it.

bout all ye kin say bout it is how tiz quite a mystry. n i hope it keeps happenin!

pinions of buddy don:
a nuther riter, thisn name of george ochoa

i'm havin dinner tonite with a old frien of mine name of george ochoa. he went n dun whut i kindly always dreamed of doin but never did, witch he deecided he wood make his livin ritin n thats jes whut he dun. ye kin find books hes writ with his wife melinda corey all over the place. heres a list of sum of thar titles:

1. American History: The New York Public Library Book of Answers
   
2. American Film Institute Reference: The Complete Guide to Everything You Need to Know about the Movies
   
3. American History on File
   
4. Atlas of Hispanic-American History
   
5. A Cast of Thousands; A Compendium of Who Played What in Film
   
6. The Dictionary of Film Quotations; 6,000 Provocative Movie Quotes from 1,000 Movies
   
7. Facts About the 20th Century
   
8. Inquiry and Learning; Realizing Science Standards in the Classroom
   
9. Movies and TV; The New York Public Library Book of Answers
   
10. The New York Public Library Amazing Hispanic American History; A Book of Answers for Kids
    
11. Selected from Carrie
    
12. The Wilson Chronology of Ideas
    
13. The Wilson Chronology of Science and Technology
    
14. The Wilson Chronology of the Arts
    
15. The Writer's Guide to Creating a Science Fiction Universe
    
16. Fitroy Dearborn Chronology of Ideas: A Record of Philosophical, Political, Theological and Social Thought from Ancient Times to the Present
    
17. The Encyclopedia of the Victorian World: A Reader's Companion to the People, Places, Events and Everyday Life of the Victorian Era (Henry Holt Reference Book)
    
18. The American Film Institute Desk Reference
    
19. The Man in Lincoln's Nose: Funny, Profound and Quotable Quotes of Screenwriters, Movie Stars, and Moguls

thays a lot more books by them, but i aint gut time to find em all this mornin. meanwhile, heres a lil writeup bout george n melinda:

Melinda Corey and George Ochoa have written and co-written over 30 books on film and other subjects, including The Dictionary of Film Quotations, The New York Public Library Book of Answers, Facts About the 20th Century, The Wilson Chronology of the Arts and The American Film Institute Desk Reference. They completed the second edition of Ephraim Katz's The Film Encyclopedia. Both authors hold MAs in English from the University of Chicago; Ms Corey also has an MFA from Columbia University. They are married and have a daughter. (http://uk.dk.com/Author/AuthorFrame/0,1020,,00.html?id=1000040586)

i been knowin george since 1985 when i met him at the furst job i gut in new york city, witch i wuz a secretary fer the mos humiliatiin year of my life n he wuz one too. we both lacked to rite, so we made friens purty quick. we been talkin bout riting n sharin whut each others writ durin most of that time, n fack is, ifn we wernt both so innerested in the topick, i doubt ifn we wood be friens atall now.

thang bout george is, with all the success hes dun had ritin books bout science n movies n history n ideas n yew name it, he still hankers after gittin his fickshun published. hes dun writ a few novels n ive red everone he wood shar with me. thang is, hes the mos snakebit riter i ever met. he cums up with grate idees n then sumbidy goes n pulls sumthin off to make the idee impossibull.

eggzamples include a grate book (or wuz't a screenplay? its been a while) he wrote name of Office Wars, witch it was about a ceo who kindly goes crazy n figgers he kin solve the problems in his wurkplace by gittin rid of the slackers. n i mean gittin totally rid of em as in make em ded. i still thank tiz a brillyunt bit of ritin, but the hole thang ends with a eggsplishun that blows up a buildin. after 9/11, that aint a concep ye kin sell to no book publisher.

he wrote a nuthern that i lacked a lot called Dead Silence, witch thatns about a man who loses his soul but gits the gurl in the end, only tiz much bettern ye wood magine frum whut i jes rote. i aint shore why thatn aint on the bookshelves now.

n thars one called Stranger Still that pulls off that trick richard wright dun in Native Son, whar ye see the hole story thru the eyes of a murderer. tiz kindly lack dostoevskys Crime and Punishment in that regard n tiz a wunderful book that aint lackly to find no publisher on a counta how it gives sum folks the shivers.

hes gut sum fickshun published. thars thisn called "Nocturnal Anomalies," fer instunts, witch thatn wuz published in The Absinthe Literary Review. i magine thars more, but i dont know whar to find it.

innywho, we gut a plan to meet over in times square fer dinner n the chants to talk bout a nuther fine story he writ name of "Ten Sleep."

guest of buddy don:
stepson in the city

im happy to tell ye bout how my wifes son has cum to hoboken frum prague whar he wuz makin his livin as a translater. hes plannin on findin him a place here in the metropoltun area n gittin started in the big city. hes loaded with skills lack how to talk a bunch of differnt lingos lack spanish, roma, japanese n czech, witch i thank that means he gits sum bonus langwages since lots of them slavic lingos is purty close. he also has computer skills, so much so that hes gut him a computer than kin do mos innythang without a sangle microsoft product on it. i make a livin off computers, but i aint that brave or smart.

innwho, were as pleased as kin be that hes cum, n i wuz thankin bout that whenever we wuz discussin how he should go bout gittin started. thays folks that thanks tiz better to git a job furst n then look fer a place to live. but mos of us whos dun made it up here thanks tiz better to git the apartment furst on a counta tiz harder to git than a job, n ifn ye dun gut a job, ye dont have no time to look fer yer apartment.

n i wuz thankin as he wonted to know our best add vice, witch ye gut to member how the wurst vice is add vice, n wuz wonderin ifn twernt a lot lack how we'uns here in the united states wonted a chants to give our add vice on whuther twuz rite fer us to brake the treaty of westphalia, witch thatn lasted fer over 300 years befor we broke it by invadin a cuntry sos we could change its gummint. lots of us folk out here in the cuntry wuz under the impresshun that our pinions mattered, that we wuz more than jes a giant focus group but folk whos pinions matterd.

but turnt out that them that duz the predints biddin dint bleeve in democracy the same way most of us'ns did. we thought it mint that them whut wuz guvernd wuz in charge n our pinions wuz aloud n importunt. but evertime sumbidy cum up with a pinion that dint fit with the administrayshuns view, they sed twuz practickly treason. twuz as if we dint have a pinion wurth bein stated ifn it dint go long with whutever dubya n co had dun deecided they wuz a'gone do.

n i wuz thankin bout this whenver we wuz talkin to my wife's son bout how to git started. he had his pinions bout how to go bout it. magine ifn he had deecided he wuz a'gone find him a abandoned buildin n squat in it. n he mite say how the rent rules is unjust n peeple has been mistreeted by em n lots of folks has to pay way too much fer way too lil while sum folk git by without. n he mite say the poe-leece is corrupt. n he mite coulda cum up with all kinda reasons why squatting wuz jes the thang to do.

we wood not agree bout that bein a good plan n we wood tell him so. n it mite could turn into a argumint or even a fuss n fite. wood that make us anti-fambly? anti-son? or woodnt that be jes whuts eggspeckted of sumbidy, that they give thar true pinion n let it be known if they disagree. thats how we luv each other. we need folks to tell us the hard truth so we kin avoid makin big miss takes.

so i thank bout them folk that sed the united nayshuns wuz irrelevant when the un weppons inspekters needed more time to inspeck n when they sed thay wuznt no reason to invade right then. n the bush administrayshun wuz able to say we had to doot rite when we dun it or else, even without once usin the wurd 'imminent.' they ack lack thars only one way to say sumthin n ifn ye use a nuther way, ye aint really sayin whut yer sayin. so ifn ye say they could have a nuke in six munths or they could attack us in 45 mints, that dont mean they wont us to bleeve the attack is 'imminent,' but they don wont us to ackcept that thar a'gone in rite then on a counta they cant wait.

the folks that sed we could wait, that we had him contained ("we find Secretary of State Colin Powell saying of Saddam back in 2001: 'I think we ought to declare our containment policy a success. We have kept him contained, kept him in his box. He is unable to project conventional power against his neighbors. He threatens not the United States.'"), they aint traitors. theys good citizens doin thar jobs. them that wuz trine to shout em down, tho, i cant say they bleeve in the same murkin principills we do or the same ones that ye kin still find in the bill of rights in the constitushun (read it befor its gone!).

id lack to end with a few lines frum that dockumint: "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

hmm. taint jes 'provide fer the common defense,' lack sum wont ye to bleeve, but thars 'promte the general welfar, insure domestic tranquility, establish justice' n such. tiz a wonderful dockumint n wurth defendin, even agin them thats usin it fer thar claim on power.

foybulls of buddy don:
still a lergick to likker

i writ bout goin out fer sum cultcher las nite, but im shamed to say it dint hardly take. we had us a good time n all, eatin at that thar greek restrunt. i tuck the pre theater speshul, witch it cum with appetizer, ontray n deesert. i picked the salad fer the appetizer n twuz the kinda salad they ackshly have in greece, witch it dint have no lettuce but only tomaters n cucumbers n cheese n onions n the lack. the fish wuz jes fine even ifn it did cum perched up on a bed of chick peas, witch ye mite know em as garbonzo beans. (daddy had im a can of them garbonzo beans fer mos of my life n when we wood git to acktin up, he wood threaten to make em fer dinner, n it wurked ever time. i member many a time when we wuz fussin n fitin n pickin on roena may n we wood cum into the kitchen n thar on the counter wuz them beans n we knew we had better behave ifn we dint wonta eat em, n we dint n thang is, theys grate once ye try em -- they gut em this thang called a felafel up here that they make out of em, n tiz delishus!) n fer deesert they brung me this stuff called yogurt with honey n nuts n mint, witch twuz rite nice.

n corse, bein with sofistickated folk, we had us a bottle of wine. or ackshly, a cuple bottles of wine. n shore as yer born, my lergickull symptums gut to acktin up. i wuz talkin too much n laffin too loud n by time the meal wuz dun n twuz time to walk over to carnegia hall, i wuznt feelin much pain n had to watch my step to keep frum bumpin into thangs.

but that warnt the wurse. that cum whenever i woke up this mornin with my mouth dry as dust n my head achin as if to remind me that i wuz still lergick.

as fer the concert, twuz four of us together, a frien of mine n both our wives. we gut seated n our frien gut to playin that huge peeano n that woman with the long name gut to scrapin on that violin, makin music outta sum musickal notayshun that brahms writ fer em a cuple centries ago, n i looked over to my frien n saw his head wuz bowed. i thought he mite coulda been prayin till he started snorin. then nex thang i know, my own wife is wakin me up n astin wuz i reddy to go. i wuz.

plans of buddy don -- git yer cultcher:
steve ryan, pianist exter-ordinair

i gut this frien name of steve ryan who's one of the bes piano pickers ever. hes playin at one of the carnegie halls smaller halls tonight with a violin player name of Hlif Sigurjonsdottir or sumthin lack that, witch a violin is a lot lack a fiddle. i cant git the lank to wurk, but im puttin it in jes in case it cums back up. innywho, ima gone git me a lil cultcher this evnin, startin with a greek meal at a restrunt name of malyvos n then on to here steve n hlif playin thar instermints at or near carnegie hall.

pinions of buddy don -- a cuple literchur revus:
Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk

i take that bus frum hoboken over to manhattan everday on a counta i wurk over thar. tiz a quick ride mos of the time n my total bill fer gittin back n forth to "the city" is $65 a month, total, fer as many rides as i wonta take. durin the ride, i read, n sumtimes, lack when the lincoln tunnel is slow, witch that happens ifn i leave out from home too late, lack say, after 7 am, then that ride kin take a while. so it mite be nuthin but a fifteen mint ride or it mite take as long as a hour. taint often i half to take a later bus, so i kin git frum here to thar in bout 25 mints, includin the walk after i git to 42nd street/port authority.

durin the ride i lack to read. one of the guys that wurks fer me tole me bout a book name of survivor by the guy that writ fight club, witch they made a movie outta thatn n i reckon lots of yuns dun seen it. i never saw the movie, but the guy is one of the best wurkers i ever had, so i gave the book a read.

twuz a real delite n quite a commentary on life in the modern worl: thays stuff on educayshun, fame, relijun, brutherhood n suicide, but its also the kinda thang that could make ye laff out loud on the bus. try to avoid that. ifn ye lack a real good read, i recommend it. i could barely put it down n twuz over befor i knowed it. one of the innerestin thangs bout it is how it starts at page 289 and wurks its way down to page 1. i kinda lack that on a counta how easy it makes it to figger out how much ye gut lef. in this case, twernt a nuff.

"The Glass Wife" by Lydia Copeland

i lack to look round the innernet to find thangs wurth readin, n thats how i cum to find this author name of lydia copeland. she writes short stories n far as i kin tell, she dont have no book out yet. she's gut a few stories up what ye kin git to em:

"Empty Houses"
"Fingerprints"
"The Dream"
"The End of Today"
"Wyoming"

then thars whut i thank is the best of the lot n one of the bes stories i dun read innywhar, witch thats her story name of "The Glass Wife." ifn ye gut time fer jes one story, and it aint all that long, ye oughta treat yerself to thisn. tiz wise beyond the years of this yung writer, n tiz one i been able to read a few times n find more to lack in it each time.

pinions of buddy don -- book revu:
The Seven Pillars of Wisdom by T. E. Lawrence

thays a book that oughta be required readin fer all the folks involved in fitin or makin policies bout fitin in iraq or inny other arab cuntry, n that is that famus wurk by T. E. Lawrence, sumtimes called Lawrence of Arabia, name of The Seven Pillars of Wisdom (ye kin git ye one sent to yer door by clickin on the pitcher above). Ifn ye aint read it, ye oughta on a counta tiz a grate bit of ritin n it carries a message everbidy needs to read. fack is, ifn our presdint wuz a reader, thisn wood be a goodn fer him to read.

in case ye missed it, thisn covers the actchuns of the british troops agin the turks in the furst worl war. the brits had em this guy name of lawrence on thar side, n he wuz the genius who gut the arabs to thank bout two thoughts that folks seems to forgit nowadays. the furstn is he taught em that they needed to thank bout all arabs as a movemint or even as sumday havin a state. corse, thangs dint wurk out just thataway on a counta the folks with the mos power gut to rite the new borders, witch thats how we cum to have a cuntry lack iraq thats really three cuntries in one, a kurdish one n a shi'ite one n a sunni one. keepin them three together tuck lots of suppreshun n tortchur n violents.

ifn ye git this one concept, then ye kin git beyond thankin that if thars a syrian found fitin in iraq that the syrian gummint has innythang to do with it. a bidy needs to cunsidder at lease the concept that sum arabs still wont to thank of themself as one folk thats fitin them that wonts to take thar land n tell em witch borders to use n whut kinda gummint to have n so on.

mayhap ifn we had a cuntry with so much power they could jes waltz rite in here n take over, we wood see sum thangs a lil differnt. i hope we woodnt jes lie down n take whutever the invaders tole us to take. we wood be fitin back, mayhap to the las persun. n ifn they wuz insultin our tradishuns n doin thangs to us that we cunsiddered insultin to our elderly n wives n all, then we wood be verr mad. n tiz a greevus insult to a arab to show the bottom of the foot, so how kin they lack bein pushed down n havin boots put on thar necks?

mayhap tuther lessn that folks needs to larn is even more is the form of war lawrence taught them arabs to use. he figgered thar wuznt no way of makin the turks go away. they had the equipment n the numbers n yew name it. so they figgered they wood use the fack that the turks wuz stuck whar they wuz with long lines to provide provishuns n all. he figgered they could inflick maximum damage by keepin them turks whar they wuz n disruptin them with bombs n such till they gut to whar they couldnt git nuthin dun.

ifn thays inny arabs that member this tale, mayhap the figgered theyd let the coalishun troops in to git setup n then use the methods they larned frum lawrence to make em suffer n wonta git out.

by the way, i aint sayin we should git out. i aint smart a nuff to know the anser, but readin that book cunvints me that thars more to the opposishun than jes bitter-enders n terrists n such. thays sum folks thar that luvs thar cuntry of iraq n hates seein a bunch of forn troops runnin thar tanks n humvees thru thar streets. twood make inny of us mad a nuff to fite.

i know that whut i am sayin is agin whut our presdint wuz a'sayin jes yesterdy, n i thank he's makin a big miss take. he claims thays killin us n attackin us on a counta our bein free n brangin freedum to iraq. he thanks them folks attackin hates us fer makin progress. that dont fit with nuthin i know bout folks. they dont git into suicidal angry rages agin progress or freedum. they doot on a counta thays mad at bein invaded n havin thar women treated bad n thar old people n children killed by acksident. thays plenty of reasons to git mad a nuff to kill yerself in a attack, but our bein free aint one of em. ifn we wuz free n stayin in our own back yard, they woodnt have no reason to attack us.

a nuther thang i should make clear n that has to do with whut i rote tuther day bout christchun soldjers. i aint claimin to be no christchun. far frum it. mayhap i could make it sumday, but so far, i aint thar. but i do bleev that ifn yer a christchun n ye really wonta follow christ n they way he dun, then ye jes cant support killin, no how, no way.

tiz part of the reason friedrich nietzsche wrote them lines bout 'god is dead. the christchun god is unworthy of bleef.' he had plenty reasons fer sayin that, but one of the mane ones wuz how tiz a pacifist relijun n he bleeved twuz importunt to be able to kill n defend yerself n yer idees n bleefs. lots of folk thank that. tiz an oversimplificayshun to state it thisaway, thou it gives ye a idee of why he sed it. he wuz also cuncerned bout how christchun moralty made slaves of folks n he bleeved thar wuz a higher order of human possibull. i aint a'gittin into that argumint, but lots of folks that luvs the second amendment n carryun dedly force mite like readin nietzsche.

more eggscuses of buddy don

this heres my furst year at this place ima wurkin. i gut thar the hard way. after wurking ten years on wall street, i lef n hoped to find my fortchun elsewhar n had a good run till them terrorists dun whut they dun on 9/11. that killt the lil cumpny i wuz wurkin fer on a counta we wuz rite near them towers n our clients wuz firms that had em folk in them towers n they couldnt pay whut they owed rite away n we couldnt verr well press em on it. so i tuck whutever i could find, witch twuz a awful job a'wurkin fer a legal firm. long bout a year after that, i gut a job offer frum sum of them folks i had dun wurked with on wall street n back i went fer the better pay n treatment.

corse it mint much longer hours, n thangs dont git longer than whenever yer a'doin yer ee-valu-wayshuns. i thought i had dun finished mine, but turnt out i wuz only jes beginnin. now thars a nuther week of thangs to git dun, so i mite not kin rite much durin this here week lessn i git them dun furst. n thats my reason only i know tiz more of a eggscuse.

thankee agin fer yer payshunts.

pinions of buddy don: christchun soldjers

no doubt ye dun read bout this here genrull name of william boykin who lacks to dress up in his uniform n give talks to churches bout how our god is biggern thars n how tiz satan whos the real enemy n all he bleevs our soldjers needs to do thar killin in the name of jesus.

now this here blogs dun prooved whar i aint much of a eggspurt on innythang, but i have read the bible a few times n i cant figger sum thangs out bout christchun soldjers. sum of thar leaders lacks to ask, 'whut wood jesus do?' n they pertend lack thar doon jes that. only thang is, jesus dun had his chants to take over the worl by force whenever satan his ownself offert it to him. mayhap ye dun read bout it yer ownself, but ifn ye missed it or feel asleep in church the day they went over it, here tiz agin:

[Matthew 4:8-10] "Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me. Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve."

now thays sum that mite say that dont proov nuthin. ye kin be a soldjer n carry guns n kill folk n all n still be a christchun. but that dont square hardly with summa them other thangs jesus sed n dun. he sed ye wuz to luv yer naybor as yer ownself n that all folks is naybors n since folks dont generly lack to be killt, then how kin ye be doin rite ifn yer killin?

then thars that time in gethsemane, witch thatn seems to state it all:

[Matthew 26:46-53] "Rise, let us be going: behold, he is at hand that doth betray me. And while he yet spake, lo, Judas, one of the twelve, came, and with him a great multitude with swords and staves, from the chief priests and elders of the people. Now he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying, Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he: hold him fast. And forthwith he came to Jesus, and said, Hail, master; and kissed him. And Jesus said unto him, Friend, wherefore art thou come? Then came they, and laid hands on Jesus, and took him. And, behold, one of them which were with Jesus stretched out [his] hand, and drew his sword, and struck a servant of the high priest's, and smote off his ear. Then said Jesus unto him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword. Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels?"

thay cant be nuthin more preshus to inny christchun than jesus his ownself but when they cum to take him away, he woodnt have no soldjers fitin fer him. n he made that famus statement bout livin by the sword leads to dyin by it. he had more power than even the presdint of the united states with them leejuns of angels but he dint use em to stamp out evil or proov how his god wuz biggern innybidy elses god.

but thay is evil folk in the worl, folk who will do ye rong. n that seems purty gosh darn awful, but even thar, jesus give instruckshuns on whut ye wuz spozed to do:

[Matthew 18:21-35] "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took [him] by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses."

heres a parabull bout two men that dies n gits up to judgment.

n one of em wuz a grate soldjer who had led campains agin evil n terror n all. n to his credit wuz the deaths of thousands of enemies who wuz trine to kill his christchun friens n take his christchun cuntry over n steal his christchun goods.

n tuthern wuz a meek n humble man, witch ye aint lackly to find them in no genrulls uniform. he wuz frum the same cuntry as the grate soldjer but he had dun refused to fite n hadnt killt nobidy.

n the judge of all ast the grate soldjer whuther he had luved his naybors, all his naybors, n the genrull sed he had, but the judge ast him bout them folks he had killt, n the grate soldjer sed thay wuz evil, n the judge ast dint he know thar wuz a judge of the worl to take care of them thats evil? n dint he have no faith that the judge of the worl could do his job? n wuz it the christchun thang to do to practice evil by killin his naybors in sted of luvin em? n the judge splained how the worl wuz a place of illushun n the only thangs that wuz real wuz the life of heaven or hell, n in heaven thay wuznt room fer folks that couldnt larn to luv thar enemies lack jesus taught em to do.

n fer tuthern thay wuz no questchuns on a counta he had dun larnt bout luvin his naybors n dyin for it by not bein willin to compromise his bleefs even when twuz hard on a counta bein attacked n all. n the humble man sed he had been scairt n wundered wuz he a coward n he had even prayed to have his fate lifted frum him, lack jesus dun three times in that garden, astin to have that cup tuck frum him. but he sed he dint thank twuz his place to judge who wuz evil n desurved to die n he sed twuz all he could do to forgive them that dun trespassed agin him.

n the judg of the worl wuz able to tell the true christchun.