life of buddy don, chaptur 46:
shoot the devil

bibl warns ye how ye gut to be keerful bout who ye a soshiate with on a counta bad'ns kin tempt ye into doin rong. n fack is, one of the wurst flaws in the human bean is how ye cant larn nobidy nuthin frum a'tellin em bout it. ifn ye could, surely one of them great relijuns wooda gut us to do rite n quit a robbin n rapin n shootin each uther n carryin on in ways that aint good fer nobidy.

but humans aint made thataway. we lack to find it all out on our own n when ye add that'n up with that fack that ye aint born all growd up, then ye gone have a worl full of folks that has to larn whuts rong by a'doin it. n aint no way to larn bettern by a good egzample.

thats whar randy cum in, witch his hole name wuz randolph pascal fox n he wuz a frien i made up at roane state communty collidge on a counta he hung out in the lobby n often as not wood ast me did i wonta go git hi before class n often as not i wood give in to the temptayshun. randy wuz whut ye call big boned n he wuz huge nex to me on a counta i wuz whut ye call skinny n had even been called by the nickname of 'rail' befor i lef home. he had red hair n green eyes n ladies thought they wuz purty n fack is he gut hisself in plenty of scrapes with em.

rite away he wuz a source of fun n truble on a counta seem lack he had cunexshuns on whar to get thangs lack lsd, witch back then everbidy wuz jes as eager to trip as could be. lookin back, im almost shamed to tell ye the truth bout them daze, but i figger ifn i sugarcoat them cinders, ye a'gone wunder whut it is ye ate. no, fack is, i dun sum thangs that wuz downrite foolish.

but i wuz also hungry to know bout god n all, n fer sum reason, seem lack everbidy wuz a thankin lack eli wuz on a counta they wood ack lack the nex trip wuz a'gone make ye see god. n thay wuz folks playin with everthang frum astrolgy to witchcraft to black magick n everthang in between. n i wuz bout as curyas as a cat bout all of it.

fer one thang, thar wuz a perfesser thar at roane state communty collidge name of mr leopold, witch he wuz a phd but dint lack ye to call him doctor, n mr leopold held classes n logick n filosophy n i tuck em. n he wuz differnt frum mos perfessers on a counta he dint seem to be fallin fer the stuff he wuz a teechin. mos of em acted lack twuz verr importunt to know bout the quadratick equayshun or whut twuz lack in anshunt greece, but he acted lack them wuz jes more thangs of intrest in the worl n not all that importunt to how ye live yer life. he also bleeved ye could git a better educayshun by followin yer curiosity to larn on a counta thats whut yer programmed by god to know.

n on the topick of god, one day we had us a short talk out in the hall half by acksident n whut he tole me changed my life fer minny a year. corse, i had been thankin a lot on the topick n had cum up with this here proof whar ye cant know nuthin bout whuther thars a god or not but ye could only go on blind faith, n heres how twent:

1. furst, ye gut to bleev thar is a god
   
2. then ye gut to thank he dun reveeled hisself sum kinda way
   
3. then ye gut to nail down the specifick way he dun reveeled hisself, lack in a book or a prophet or burnin bush or set of tablets or big light up in the sky or whutever
   
4. n fack is, ifn ye put yer faith in #3, then ye git #1 n #2 into the bargin

sum kinda way i cum to spout thatn at him, n he cum rite back with a goodn of his own. he sed thay wuz sevrul ways folks cum to thank thay wuz a god. lack i had dun pointed out with my lil egzample, ye could cum by faith, only that true faith is made outta sumthin. n thays three thangs ye kin make faith outta, witch this wuz the furst time i had ever herd that:

1. emoshun
   
2. intelleck
   
3. egsperients

he sed mos folks gets thar faith frum #1, emoshun, on a counta they git reel scared frum sermuns on hell far n brimstone n then they know thay aint no way they kin do rite, n so they kindly need em a out to keep em frum eternull tormint, n so they put thar faith in jesus a'payin thar sinful bill fer em. or they jes lack the soshul thangs bout church, the sermuns n the fellaship n fride chicken. or theys in luv with sumbidy that goes to church. or mayhap theys hopin to meet sumbidy fer luv or jes contack with other human beans.

but then thars anuther passel of folks that gits thar faith frum thar intelleck. thay have em lease four or five ways of doin't:

1. they figger thars this here mazin worl n had to cum frum sumwhars, so they say tiz frum god a'makin it
   
2. or they say that god is the gratest of all possibull thangs ye could magin n corse yer grater ifn ye be than ifn ye dont, so thar mus be a god, witch he tole me thatn n i let it ride by n dint git to whar i could unnerstand it fer anuther two or three years
   
3. or they mite could say how everthang is a movin all the time n everthang that moves gut a push n ifn ye keep a goin back on the chain of thangs a'pushin on each other, ye gone cum to the furst pusher of em all, n that wood be god
   
4. n i added one i had cum up with, witch twuz how they mite could proov it by takin tuther view, that thar aint no god, n fer that ye wood figgert thisaway: ifn ye a'gone proov thar aint no god, then ye furst gut to know whut god wood look lack ifn ye found him, n then ye wood have to look everwhar all at once to make shore he wuznt hidin sumwhars n then ye wood have to do it at all times in the histry of the universe on a counta ye dont know fer sartin whuther this here god is live or mayhap mighta died after givin everthang that furst big push, n ifn ye could do all that, then ye mite could say ye wuz god yer ownself

n he lafft lack i had dun tole a joke n sed i wuz rite bout whut i had sed n thar wuz a psalm in the bibl that dun sed so n then he sed we had eenumerayted a nuff argumints.

n then he sed sumthin that stuck to this day: the only way ye kin know bout god without usin blind faith is to have the egsperients of god. then ye know. but ye gut to beware of (n i tuck over on thisn on a counta i dun knew it) 'whut ye wont on a counta yer fixin to git it.' ralph waldo emerson. n he smiled lack i wuz a chile showin off, witch thats whut i wuz n whut the grade game wuz all about.

so i ast him had he had the egsperients n he sed he had. so i sed then he knew ifn thar wuz a god n he sed he knew. so corse, i ast him how had he dun it n he sed twuznt sumthin he had dun, but once it had happent, he knew whut the key wuz to makin it happen. n he pawzed till i ast whut wuz it that made it happen, n he sed i woodnt be able to git it frum bein tole n bein tole mite could make it harder to make it happen on a counta twont be whut ye wonta here.

corse, ifn ye been a'reedin up to now, ye know i woodnt let that stop me, so i ast him whut did ye half to do to make it happen.

n he sed agin that ye cant make it happen, but that twoodnt happen till ye had dun sumthin n even ifn ye dun it, then it still mite not happen n he dint thank thar wuz nobidy nowhar that could control it. n i spouted out sumthin lack no man knows the time nor the place lack i wuz a talkin doll n he had dun pullt my strang.

he lafft n ast me did i reely wonta know n i sed i did, n he wiggled his fanger whar i should cum closer n then he whispered in my ear: 'ye gut to have faith.'

i backed away n looked at him, n it seemed lack all he could do to keep frum laffin out loud n i sed twernt fair of god to set it up thataway n he sed he could see my point on a counta i wuz a wontin to find the way by #2 intelleck. then he turnt without so much as a yankee doodle n went into the teechurs lounge n i thought i could hear him laffin.

so after that, i wuz trine to have faith n lookin fer god everwhar. i wood climb up to the top of the bildin i wuz a wurkin in ever mornin n watch the sun cum up n seemed lack i could almos git the feelin god wuz thar, but it never spillt over into me bein sartin bout it. n i hated how ye had to have faith to git to the egsperients of god witch ye need to have faith.

i tole randy bout this argumint n he sed twuz clear as innythang that thar wernt no god n even ifn thar whar, he wuz a cruel god at best n he dint bleev nuthin happent after ye died.

then he ast me wood i hep him with a essay he wuz trine to rite n i sed shore thang n ast whut twuz about n he sed second amendmint n i knew rite away he dint mean the hole thang but only the part bout guns n i ast witch side of the argumint he wuz on.

we wuz drivin thru midtown twords the new roane state communty collidge bildin complex when i sed that so he drove out to a privit spot by the lake thar n ast me to cum around to the trunk. i did, n he opened it up to show me sum of his colleckshun, witch the main thang i member wuz he had him a uzi n i thought they wuz illegull n he lafft n sed thats whut he wonted me to rite about.

i rite away tole him i dint wonta rite bout nuthin lack that on a counta i bleeved folks shouldnt be carryun guns. n i tole him bout my daddy a'carryin guns fer his job as fbi agent n how he dint wont us a touchin em on a counta they wuz so danjerus, speshly to the person that owned em. n i had lots of stutisticks to back up my side lack how moren half the gunshot deths are frum suicide.

corse, i knew how to switch sides in a argumint n when he wuz too lame to defend his side, i give him a cuple pointers on how i wooda argued it n he borried my pen n tuck out a lil notebook bout the size of a hand whar he kep numbers n he rote down sum of my points n then he turnt em into a essay that made his teechur give him a 'a' even tho he sed, 'shoot the devil! twuz agin everthang i bleev.' witch he luved to say 'shoot the devil.'

n that gut us to be friens as much as innythang. he used to joke bout me bein in uniform, witch n them daze i always carrd a pen, mechanicull pencil, knife, watch, liter, notepad, asthma medicine, and in my glove compartmint i kep a furst aid kit with alcohol n bandaids n s;ints n such. n he wood ast me wuz i in uniform whenever he needed sumthin.

main thang wuz how he had a cunnexshun fer acid n that led to sum intrestin times. furst time we gut sum, he tuck me over to meet a ole lady, she musta been lease forty or maybe even fifty, n he wuz havin a thang with her n she wuz a'gittin him drugs, witch she rolled a joint n we smoked it out on thar patio while her husbin wuz in watchin tv, witch she sed he wuz a alkyhollic n couldnt keep awake past seven thurty n he hadnt satisfide her in years, n that led to her a'gittin a lil kiss frum randy.

n he gut the acid too n we tuck sum n then went over to a nuther friend of his, witch he wuz named rob n he wonted to trip. n we found a livin room full of folks over in a prefab house on north purdue avenue in oak ridge n they all tuck em sum n rob put frank zappa on n we all set round smokin n gettin off.

n thar wuz a gurl thar name of candy n she wuz a'wearin sum thin pants that wuz too tite n sittin with us fer a targit n ye could see she hadnt bothered with panties n twuz all i could do to try not to look. but then i wood ketch her lookin at me n lickin her lips n i had to wunder wuz i really sein this or wuz't jes part of the trip.

purty soon rob cum over n i thought he wuz a'gone git on me fer starin but in sted he sed he wuz grateful fer all the power i wuz a puttin out into the room. n that made randy laff n he sed he wuz hongry fer sumthin sweet n then he ast me did i wonta git a lil candy n i sed i shore wished i could n candy wuz a'smilin lack she wuz about to git on a pony fer the furst time, but randy jes stood up n sed good, let's go, n we did. n even tho i dreamed bout candy overn over agin, i never saw her a nuther time.

that bizness bout power wuz sumthin that happent a lot to me in them daze on a counta i wore my beerd long n twuz as black as could be n my eyes is dark brown n ye kin magine i look lack charly manson or george harrison or jesus or sum other scary person, so i gut that a lot, speshly whenever we wuz trippin, n i tripped sevrul times with randy. n i kep thankin that one of them times i wuz a'gone have that egsperients, but i dint, not once.

then randy tuck me for a drive one day n ast me fer hep with sumthin else he wonted to rite. i ast him whut wuz the subjeck, n he sed he wonted me to hep him rite his suicide note n he wonted to splain how life wuznt wurth livin n soons i started in on how i couldnt do that, he sed he knew i could argue five or six differnt ways on ever topick thar wuz n he had dun herd a nuff to know i wuz the one could splain it.

so i tole him bout my car acksident n splained that thar wuz no way i could argue his side of the argumint. n he gut real quite n smoked most of a cigarette n i gut to thankin twood innerstin a lease n mayhap twood ackshly hep him.

so i sed he could rite it n i wood edit n he sed that wood wurk n that led to a lot of drivin round while he smoked cigarettes n we egzamined this or that way of arguin n mostly i wuz trine to proov he needed to keep a'livin n he knew it n i bleev he appreschiated it too.

corse, life goes on, even when yer plannin suicide.

fer the first three or four munths of our friendship, twuz all a secret preparation fer when he wuz a gone shoot his self. n i  couldnt splain this to virgil or mj or brew or gretchen or eli, but it had to be a secret tween randy n me.

n it gut to whar dint nun of em understand why i kep bein friends with him on a counta they thought he wuz a blowhard who claimed to have dun most everthang thay wuz to do n he wuznt old a nuff to of dun it all. n i had to defend bein his frien, witch i dun mainly by splainin that i hadnt met the perfeck person yet n he mite tell sum whoppers but everybidy lacked trippin frum his cunnexshun n did they wonta go without? n corse, nobidy had a anser fer thatn.

we kep drivin n randy tuck ever chants to push his side of the argumint, witch wuz that thay wuznt no reason to live.

to git randys side of the argumint, ye gut to unnerstand how he had this cungentull bone disease that made his biggest bones keep on a'growin after they wuz dun spozed to quit. n his lef femur wuz the main place twuz happenin, n on a counta that, he had im a hunnert per cent disbilty frum the veteruns administrayshun n fack is, he hepped eli git his hunert per cent by splainin how ye had to go into the va hospitull to git a increese n the trick wuz to git em to put ye in, raze yer level, n then put ye back out. risk wuz ye could git stuck inside.

in randys case, he dint have to wurry bout gittin stuck in, but he had sevrul operayshun on the laig to whar he had the biggest scars i ever seen on a human bean. he used to joke bout how he should have em install a zipper. they had dun replaced his femur with a plastick one n they wuz cunsiderin whuther they wonted to do the hip nex.

corse, ye cant have all that surgry without needin sumthin fer pain, n that mint randy wuz always astin did i wonta take a percodan. n i wood tell him i dint, n then he wood change the subjeck.

n he thought i had a way with women n i told him he wuz the one had the way on a counta he had him sevrul relayshunships with ladies round oak ridge that give him thangs n he sed they wuz all old n marrd, but he sed i could git me innybidy.

twernt so, n i had plenty of proof, but he dint pay that no mind. he kep pointin out a blond hedded gurl name of betty lou maples, witch the more he did, the more i noticed her till i saw her in one of my classes, witch twuz arkeeolgy n prehistry. n purty soon i wuz talkin to her now n then n i gut him innerduced to her, but he wuznt innersted in her. n i gut to whar i wuz innersted n then i ast her out n she wuz eager to go.

n soon as i knew she wuz a'gonna go, i wonted out of it, n that seemed to git her a'goin. she wonted to go to bars n drank n dance, n i wonted to git hi n listen to musick or park by the lake, so we went to sum bars n then i tuck her home, witch she wuz still livin with her parnts in oak ridge off of georgia avenue. n i walked her to her door n then we kissed, n purty soon our hands wuz everwhar n i knew i coulda tuck her back to my place, but fer sum reason, i jes wudnt innersted.

whenever randy herd how thangs had gone and how sorry i wuz i had tuck her out, he wuz astounded n wonted to know why i hadnt dun the deed with her n i splained that twuz more truble than twuz wurth on a counta thar wuznt nuthin she wonted to do that i wonted to do besides mayhap she mite wonta do the deed. so he ast wuznt that a nuff, n i sed ifn twuz, why wuz he bout to kill his self?

but he kep on, n one day he gut me to take one of his percodans rite before i wuz bout to go into arch n prehist n corse that gut me talkin nicer to betty lou, who couldnt unnerstand why i had turnt so cold after she had dun let me touch her everwhar thru her cloze n nex thang ye know, i had dun agreed to have her out to the farm to study, witch we had barely moved in n dint hardly have no furnitchur.

but she cum over n we studied n then she sed she wonted to seduce me n i let her do her best till we wuz nekkid as jaybirds lyin in my bed n i could see whar she had her the most beeyootifull bidy i had ever lain with but i ast her wuz she on the pill n she woodnt anser so i ast her how wuz we preventin babies n agin she woodnt anser ceptn to reech fer me n try to git me to finish roundin the bases, so to speak, but i woodnt n i tole her as much. i wishd rite then i had listned to my daddy who sed ye should always keep a cundum on hand fer jes such a momint, n he even lafft n sed ifn i did, i woodnt have no such momints on a counta the umbrella affeck, witch lack everbidy knows, it wont rain ifn ye carry yer umbrella.

but i had no umbrella, n the storm wuz rite thar spread out on my bed a'beggin me to git wet, but i woodnt doot. i sed lets go take a bath n we did n i washed her back n treated her rite nice but not sexy lack n then tuck her home.

n frum then on, she wuz lack s shadder a chasin me round n i give in n tuck her places n purt soon i had me a sply of cundums n we wuz a'doin the deed.

n seem lack i looked aroun n wuz stuck n wunderin why i wuz so unhappy:

1. i had everthang i had ever wonted n more, on a counta i never thought much bout havin land, but havin it seemed a grate blessin
   
2. n i wuz still makin strate 'a' marks at skool on a counta how darlene dun taught me how to play the grade game
   
3. n i had friends
   
4. n musick
   
5. n drugs
   
6. n now a beeyootifull gurl with who wonted to make me happy

fack iz, betty lou maples wuz so sexy till virgil gut to astin me could i take her sumplace besides the farm on a counta mj dint lack the way he wuz droolin, n even tho he sed it fer a joke, i could see whar he wuz a lustin in his hart after her. n twood a dun him sum good to git her, but that's a long tale that dont blong here. n even brew sed she made him wunder bout thangs he wuz missin even tho he wuz the one gut gretchen.

so twuz a mistry why i wuz so unhappy.

the subjeck cum up next time randy n me tuck a drive to wurk on his suicide note n twuz a funny thang how now he wuz the one sayin he could see my side n i wuz the one sayin thangs dint hadly seem to be wurth it, that i had ever blessin ye could wont n still dint feel happy n even havin the sexiest gurl i had ever seen or dun herd tell of, i only wonted to figger a way how i could git out of it, n even on thatn she had dun outsmarted me n gut me to buy a cristmus present fer jill frum the two of us.

he lafft n ast did i really wonta git out n i sed i did, so he tuck out a gun n pointed it rite at my hed, n the main thang i thought whenever he dun it wuz, wunder how he gut that gun without me a noticin it? n i wuz sprized at how calm i tuck havin the barrel of a gun jabbed into my lef ear while he wuz drivin. even when he cocked it, i wuz jes as cool as mornin dew.

i sed sumthin long the lines of ifn he ever wuz to thank bout it he wood see that he mite could cum up with a argumint bout how life wuz not wurth livin but that i doubted if innybidy could cum up with one on how twood be better ifn ye shot sumbidy who wuznt cawzing ye no harm. n he tuck his hand offn the wheel n tuck a drag offn his cigarette n we went over a bump so that he kindly poked my ear with the gun n i thought i could feel blood tricklin, but i dint feel the lease cuncern.

n then i sed that shootin me also woodnt git no suicide note rit, n sides i wood be gittin the better end of the bargin on a counta no matter whut if innythang cums after deth, ye gone die sooner or later n if nuthins cumin, then it dont matter tall when ye die. n ifn thar is sumthin, then dyin lack i wuz a'doin dint hole no shame on a counta lease i could prepare, n then i calmly tuck to recitin the lord's prayer, only i wuz doon it lack i wuz still a'carryin on the argumint, not lack i wuz ackshly prayin. n whenever i gut near the end, after the part bout the power n glory ferever but befor the amen, i sed n fergive this youngn name of randolph pascal fox fer whut he wuz bout to do on a counta dint nun of us properly unnerstand the point to whar we knew fer sartin jes whut we wuz spozed to do.

n rite then, i felt it, to the point whar fer a mint i wundered had randy pullt the trigger. i felt whut i cant no way splain n whut give me sumthin that showed me thar wuz faith beneath the bleef that thars no faith, that thars sumthin so deep in ye that ye dont know ye gut it but sum kinda way tiz attached to everthang else.

then i saw that randy wuz lookin at me n i sed ye oughta watch the rode, aint no reason fer us both to die, n he lafft n put away the gun. n i ast did he wonta let me drive while he rolled us a joint n he lafft n sed twood be bettern trine to git one of mine to burn, witch i never larnt how to roll a joint n everbidy called mine pregnunt n genrly jes tuck em apart to roll new'ns.

it dont do to splain it, n ever wurd thrown at it jes covers it up all the more. but i had a momint that i knew whut mr. leopold mint.

randy made me jump when he sed 'damn, bud! ye aint a fraid of nuthin, are ye?'

when i dint anser, he licked up the joint n sed, 'shoot the devil!'

life of buddy don, chaptur 45:
how me, brew n virgil bought the farm

thays a famous sayin by ralph waldo emerson that goes sumthin lack beware of whut ye wont on a counta yer lackly to git it. furst time i herd that'n, witch twuz in a murkin lit class, it made me real happy on a counta lack most folks, seemed lack gittin whut ye wont is the main point of livin. as ye mite member, one of the thangs i wonted wuz to git virigl n myra jane to move to tennessee. i tole em thar wuz land that could be bought n no reason we couldnt git us a farm n grow our own food n raise chickens n whutever twuz ye need to live.

i reckon i tride so hard to cunvints em that i dint realize i had dun it. corse, i knew once myra, witch we gut to callin her jes mj, but once mj gut a idee in her hed that she wonted to do, twuz hard to put a stop to her. so they rote me in late august of 1975 to let me know thay wuz on the way, n bout the middle of september, they showed up. by then, me n brew wuz livin back home, n ye kin probly put together jes how hectic life wuz.

case ye havent made a list, here tis:

1. i dont hardly mentchun it now, but my job wuz not the worl's easiest n tuck considerbull effort ever nite to keep ahead
   
2. i wuz takin a full load of classes over to roane state communty collidge
   
3. i wuz chasin mos ever thang in a skirt
   
4. i spent a good hunk of my time practissin musick n even playin out now n then
   
5. mos everbidy wuz doin too many drugs

so twuznt lack i had a lot of extry time to hep sumbidy git thar start in tennessee, but i had dun wonted it n gut it, so i had to do sumthin. furst thang wuz, they wood need a place to stay fer the nite, n thar wuznt room a nuff in mama's fer a famlby of three, witch ye mite member how they had em a daughter name of jill, n by then she wuz near four years old. still, twuz good they cum in the evnin on a wensdy since i could call in fer two days of vacayshun n hep em git started. furst thang they needed wuz baths on a counta they had been campin out the hole way cross cuntry. mama wuz pleased to hep out with this by lettin em wash thar cloze in her washer n dry em in her dryer n she even wonted to feed em, but i tole her i had dun promised to take em to shoneys big boy restrunt.

n thats whut we dun n then i tuck em up to frozen hed state park whar we camped. i gut a bottle of ezra befor we lef n that made virgil happy. we drunk a lil too much, witch twuz lucky fer me i upchucked early n then quit drankin on a counta the nex day i dint have no hangover the way virgil dun. n mj wuz alreddy makin noizes bout whut a miss take twuz fer virgil to let his friend talk him into movin her back to 'the hick state.'

n that rite thar led to the furst of minny a fuss n fite tween mj n me. ye kin say lots of thangs roun me without a'gittin me riled in the lease, but whenever ye git to critcizing the grate state of tennessee, yer a'fixin to git a anser back frum me. n as ye mite magine, mj had her a anser fer everthang that wuz ever uttered in the hole histry of the univers n she wuznt one to add mitt ever bein rong.

so i tuck em fer a drive sos we could see whuther we could find a place fer us to live, witch the plan wuz that we wood git a place together n share expentses, but twernt easy to find nuthin. we drove all over morgan county n then looked in roane county n finally we gut to anderson n gut a lil nibble thar in olver sprangs.

nex day i had to go to skool in the mornin so i left em sleepin at the camp n tole em to meet me after class n i promised i wood have us sumthin to smoke on a counta mj dint much care fer drankin n fack is, i dint know how much it bothered her fer me to brang that bottle the furst nite. turns out she wuz wurried bout virgil's drankin but seemed to me lack she wuz wurried bout mos everthang.

they wuz thar round noon as planned n furst thang they tole me wuz the guy in olver sprangs had dun rented the place while we wuz thanking over whut to do. mj wuz a'lettin me have it n astin virgil wuz he reddy to go back to californy yet, but i ast her did she member how to roll a joint on a counta eli had dun scored a fat bag of home grown, witch folks lacked to say home grown wuznt no good but that only kep the price down. so she tuck the bag n shut up till she had rolled five or six numbers n i sed she could take sum of the bag fer later ifn she lacked. n bout half way thru the furst'n she sed she wuz startin to see whar the land in tennessee wuz good.

ye mite wunder why mj wuz so down on tennessee since she wuz born thar, but i have noticed in life that lots of folks lacks to make fun of whar they cum frum, almos as if it makes em more sofisticated. corse thay wuz a tale hanging behind how she felt, only i dint larn it fer a while. mayhap i'll member to tell it sum time.

i bet lookin back, even mj wood add mitt cumin back home to tennessee wuz one of the best thangs she ever dun, but at the time, seem lack she hated me so much that she dint wont innythang to go rite.

then we had us a bit of luck. ye mite member how in chaptur 39 i tole the story bout my parnts silver weddin anniversry. well, mos everbidy on eethur side of the fambly cum to wish em well, n twuz a lil befor the ackshul date on a counta they wonted to have it out at one of mama's rich friends, witch she had a few on a counta she sold em dresses frum a shop whar she wurked. thisn wuz a woman name of anna smith-liebling, witch her real name wuz anna smith n she marrd a man name of chris liebling n then made him take a hyfenated name on a counta hers wuz famous alreddy. i reckon ye dun probly herd bout the smiths, huh?

innywho, ant rachel wuz thar n fer sum reason she tole brew n me she wuz a'sellin a farm out on black oak road n wood we be in the lease intrested. we sed we mite could be n ast direckshuns.

nex day, we rode out to black oak ridge with virgil n mj n jill n brew n me n saw that farm, witch twuz mainly a tree farm with 20.5 acres n two houses n a barn. we walked all round it n saw twuz a fine place n then thar wuz only the problem of the price, witch twuz $29,500.

it tuck sum doin to figger out how we could buy that farm, but we knew twuz whut we wonted to do bout halfway thru our walk round the border. furst we went to the bank of oak ridge, only they sed we dint have a nuff fer the down paymint, witch they wonted us to put down at lease $10,000. we only had the $2,000 i had lef over frum the last savins plan.

by then, brew had gut him a job out at the plant, ornl that is, n we deecided to see what the credit unions could do. turnt out i could git $2,500 frum the k25 credit union n brew could git the same frum the y12 credit union,  so that mint we wood have $7,000 to put down. we drove over to oak ridge n ast ant rachel whut more we wuz a'gone need.

n she wuz real happy n tole us ifn we could let her have $1,000 of earnest money, she could make sure nobidy else gut it. n we wuz sorely tempted, but we dint wonta risk losin so much money in case we couldnt cum up with tuther $3,000, but uncle henry cum in n sed he wood give us a second morgidge. n he showed us how we could set it up whar me n brew bought the prop'ty n rented one of the two houses to virgil n mj n count the rent as incum. n purty soon, he had put together a piece of paper with a nuff figgers on it that the bank of oak ridge wuz suddenly all smiles.

so we dun it, even tho twuz a verr scary thang, n we had to trust each other a lot. n the most trublesum thang wuz how the current occupunts of them houses had three munths lef befor they had to git out.

then thar wuz the questchun that mj kep astin on a counta no matter whut problems ye solved, she wood cum up with new ones to wurry bout, n that wuz how did we thank virgil n mj wuz spozed to make them paymints?

twuz a good questchun, so we went out in mama's back yard n passed round a joint while jill played on my knee n purty soon brew sed he dint see why virgil couldnt git a job a shoneys big boy restrunt. n i ast dint he have the gi bill?

so by nex week, he had dun gut a job washin dishes, witch twuz on a counta eli quittin n then goin frum oak ridge mental helth clink to the va hospital in murfreesboro, so they wuz in need of a dishwasher n eli had sed he woodnt do it no more. he wuz goin fer 100 per cent disabilty, n after murfreesboro, he gut it.

n virgil gut into roane state communty collidge n that mint the stoteses, witch virgils name wuz virgil martin stotes, them stoteses had em a nuff money, n they fixed a place on the farm whar they could camp n i let virgil use my motorsickle so mj wood have a car, n thangs wuz lookin good.

but mj dint stop complainin till the folks in the lil house had moved out early n thay had moved in. by christmas, we wuz all a'livin thar, brew n me in the big house, virgil n mj n jill in the lil'n.

i wuz still wurkin graveyards, so one evnin i gut up n went to shoneys big boy restrunt fer dinnner n thar wuz mj. i ast could i join her, n she agreed. seemed lack we wuz a'gittin along a lil better, so i risked astin wuz she happy bout the way thangs had turnt out.

n she looked at me lack i wuz jes as crazy as eli n she sed she woodnt say she wuz happy on a counta she had too much to wurry bout.

besides that, she sed she had dun escaped frum the sticks n hicks once, n now she wuz back n stuck with a farm full of em.

life of buddy don, chaptur 44:
the gurl who wuz a witch

thays thangs that kin be rite in frunt of yer face without yer noticin, n thats purty much the case with gail frost, witch her real name wuz abigail but she dint allow nobidy to call her that on a counta she sed twuz too ole fashion.

lack as not, she wood be settin in the same group in the lounge at roane state communty collidge i wuz in, n seems odd how i never noticed her till one day she cum over side of me n ast wuz it true i could read 'the tarot' n i ast her did she mean the cards n she sed whut other 'tarot' wuz thar.

i tole her cards wuz a game, nuthin more, n she laffed n sed she could see i had attained deep understandin n ast wood i play the game with her.

that razed a lease one questchun, witch wuz how could she know bout me readin them cards when i hadnt dun it fer nobidy at the collidge n nobidy thar i knew bout had ever been round when i wuz a doin it? i had no idee, but peeple is known fer flappin thar gums n i figgered mayhap she knew sumbidy who had told her bout me. i tole her i dint take my cards out nowhar n she sed twuz a wise policy, n next thang ye know, i had dun agreed to brang her over to my place fer a readin.

corse, twuz a date more or less n once i reelized whut i had agreed to, i gut to lookin a lil more keerful lack. she had her sum pale blue eyes n wispy brown hair n more freckles than i had ever seen on a person. i know i musta seen her round, but as i jes splained in the last chaptur, i wuz purty much caught up in trine to ack lack i wuz unintrested in laura russell, n i had to wunder whuther i had even noticed her even once.

fack is, i dont thank i had noticed her bein much more than a face that wuz thar sumtimes n even then, i couldnt say fer shure i had ever seen her befor she cum up to me.

whenever i went to pick her up n she cum out a'wearin a thin black dress with a low cut top n short skirt, i wuz tuck back a bit. at skool she wuz always wearin jeans n a floppy sweater that cuovered most everthang n fack is, i wooda guessed she wuz a lil on the fat side n trine to hide it. turnt out she wuz hidin a verr sexy build under all them cloze. but i reckon fer our date she wonted me to see she had sum thangs she figgered ever man wuz always intrested in, witch that wuz her big breasts n long legs n skinny waist.

tuwz all i could to to keep frum starin down her dress to see wuz she wearin a bra, so whenever we gut down to my room, i showed her whar we wuz a'gone set, n she gut down on her knees as slow and easy as caro syrup pores out on pancakes. n she settled whut lil skirt she had round her waist n still thar wuz more'n half her thighs a'showin. n she wuz leanin forward with her eyes closed n i coulda swore she wuz sayin a lil prayer only the way she wuz a posed, ye could see purt much all her breasts, ifn ye wuz a'lookin.

twuz damn distractin, so i turnt away n unlocked the drawer whar i kep the cards locked up. i tuck out the wood box i kep em in n opened it up n tuck out the silk that wuz wrapped round em.

i wonted to tell her how i used the wood n silk to make the game seem more real, but whenever i turnt around, she wuz still in the same pose, eyes closed. so i tride not to look at her breasts n then tride not to notice that she wuznt in fack wearin no bra n finally i tride to tell myself i wuznt seein her whut i wuz seein, witch seem lack that dress dint wonta contain one of em. i coffed sos to let her know i wuz a'lookin in her direckshun, n she opened her eyes n looked rite in mine, without a'gittin up, n i half to add mitt twuz as sexy a look as ever i had seen on a woman.

i smiled, as if to say i wuz in on her lil joke, but i never saw a more seryus person. she kep her eyes on mine, her hands down on her thighs, n she sed she could feel my power. corse twernt egzackly power i wuz a feelin, but i dint tell her that.

in sted, i  unfolded the silk on a counta i always laid the cards out on it whenever i wuz playin the game n put it in frunt of whar she wuz settin n tuck out the cards n give em to her. n the hole time, i kep my eyes rite on hers even though my eyes wuz a dyin to look elsewhar. n seem lack that steady look wuz nearly too much fer her since she dint do nuthin but stare rite back n thay wuz a long spell whar that wuz all we dun. n the longer we dun it, the purtier she seemed till i ast her wuz she a'gone shuffle them cards n git the readin underway?

i sed it lack a joke, so she had to laff. then i tole her bout them cards, bout how they hadnt never touched nuthin but the silk i kept em wrapped in, the inside of the box they cum in, the hands of them that cum to git me to play the game with em, n my hands. i tole her she should clear her mind of all thangs ceptn whut she wonted to ast, n ifn she dint know whut to ast, then she should jes let her mind go as blank as could be sos the deepest part of her could do the shufflin. when she wuz dun a shufflin, witch that mint whenever she felt lack them cards wuz jes rite, she wuz to split em into three piles a'usin her lef hand.

she shuffled slow n thoughtful n the hole time, her eyes wuz on mine. twooda been easier ifn she had jes bent over n wurked on them cards on a counta the only reason i wuz a'starin back in her eyes wuz to keep frum starin elsewhar, but i dint n after whut seemed lack a day of starin at each other, she put the cards in thar piles from rite to lef, jes lack i had sed.

i used the celtic cross method of the game, n i had dun put the queen of wands down fer her, n shore a nuff, the king of swords cum up to cover her, witch she sed wuznt that my card? n her meanin wuz clear as a mountain stream n whutever else that reedin tole her n me, the only thang we gut frum it wuz, 'this covers her, the king of swords.' n fack is, i cant member nuthin more bout the reedin than that.

twuz a rite awkwurd momint whenver i wuz dun n puttin up the cards. we dint neethur one of us know whut we wuz spozed to do next. i wuz lucky a nuff to have the cards to put up n after that i sed i needed to go to the bathroom, witch i needed to make a small adjustmint n thar wernt no way i could pee jes then innywho, but i went in n tride to make it so twernt so obveeus the affeck she wuz havin on me, n then i flushed n when i cum out, she ast wood i hep her git up.

i give her my hand n as slow and smooth as ye could wont, she gut up n kep a holt of my hand n cum closer till twuz the most natcherul thang in the worl fer my arms to snake round her waist n pull her body to mine, n then thar wuz no hidin nuthin. n she put her nose nex to mine n a kiss wooda been easy, but i sed i dint kiss after reedin them cards. n she pulled back n stroked my face with a huge smile n acted lack i had jes passed a test.

we left n drove to her place n she wundered did i wonta cum in, but i sed i dint think twuz rite, but whenever i wuz trine to make that point, she gut a kiss in, n purty soon my hands gut to checkin places my eyes had dun tride not to go till her panties wuz down round one of her ankles n i wuz findin the rite rhythm with my fangers. n whenever she wuz done moanin and squirmin, she sed twuz the best she had ever had. n then she sed, 'ye know ye gut the power, don't ye?' but when i started to tell her i dint know whut she wuz a'talkin bout, she put her hand over my mouth, n nex thang i know, she wuz a'wavin at me frum her porch, n then she wuz gone.

corse, the power that wuz ackshly wurkin on her wuz the power of the third rule, witch i wuznt intrested in her a tall, even if she wuz bout as sexy as could be. i couldnt splain it, but i reckon that part of it wuz the wurkin of rule #6, witch ye dont care fer the sex ye kin git as much as ye do fer the sex ye cant git.

but that dint mean i woodnt go out with her agin, n purty soon we had dun the deed, n twuz rite nice. n sum kinda way, i wuz able to see her often a nuff even though i wuz really after laura russell. i cant splain it.

then one nite i cum to git her n as usual, she wusnt quite reddy, so she gut me to cum in while she finished n her apartmint wuz bout as messy as inny i had ever seen. i dint say nuthin, but twuz one more thang that made me wunder why i wuz leadin her on when i knew thar wuz no future fer us. but then she cum out n she wuz a wearin a new halter top that wernt much of nuthin ceptn sum thin beige cloth with a knot tied to keep it together n looked lack the knot could cum undun with a simple pull, n shure a nuff, my fangers wuz itchy to try it.

so we went n ate n then we saw that movie 'love and death' n it made us laff. n when we cum out, we run into laura russell n a bunch of the homer circle gang, n i tuck satisfackshun in seein how hurt laura wuz at seein me with gail.

then we went down by the lake to play with that knot, till it cum loose n purty soon we wuz wurked up n she sed why dint i cum back to her place, so we tride to tie the knot back but she sed we could leave it be, n even though it covered a lil more that way, twuz sexier since the lease breeze could egspoze everthang.

but whenever we gut to her place, we wuz in fer a huge sprize: sumbidy had cum in n thrown everthang she had into the floor of her livin room n she wuz scairt n ast me wood i let her stay with me n i tole her i wuz house sittin my ant but why not. she sed she wood jes git sumthin to wear to bed n then fer the nex day, but soon as she gut into her bedroom, she screamed n i cum a'runnin.

n i seen whar sumbidy had tuck her bed apart n leant it up in frunt of the window n in the middle of the floor thar wuz a pentagram scratched out in black soot n a black candle n other signs n she fell into my arms n cride n kep astin why woodnt they leave her alone?

twuz a scary momint. who had dun this? i could jes magine them a'cumin back to git us. i ast her did she wonta go n we practicly fun frum the lace.

she had mint to change, but she stayed dressed jes lack she wuz n dint brang no cloze fer the nex day. i tuck her over to ant sary's, witch twuz lucky i wuz house sittin fer her on a counta i dint wonta brang a woman to mama's fer the nite. n she loved ant sary's on a counta twuz full of anteeks on since ant sary counta she wuz a anteek dealer. n seem lack gail new a lot bout sum of them anteeks n she sed she wuz a egspurt in early murkin thangs. n i fell fer it n ast her why.

turnt out she had a tale to tell. she sed she had her a dream one nite whar she wuz in a ole fashion place n tied to a post n then she could see she wuz a'gone be burnt to death. n thar in the crowd a'lookin on wuz my face, witch she sed twuz me in a former life.

n whenever she tole that story to her mama, her mama tuck her to her grandmama n larnt that she wuz the image of a witch frum salem n her name had been abby, witch she always hated the name n now she wundered why. n they tole her she wuz a born witch n she wuz a powerful as they git.

then she tole me i wuz a witch too n i wuz even stronger than she wuz. n then she splained that thar wuz a coven thar in oak ridge n that coven wuz after her to join n that wuz why they kep attackin her. i wuz bout to say that wuz sum bunk, but then she gut to splainin who all wuz in the coven, n turnt out to be a lot of gurls i had met here n there. i dint even know they all knew each other. thar wuz iris at wurk. n three of the gurls that wuz always flurtin with me in biolgy lab. n chelle armstrong! n carla the short gurl!

gut so i could feel the lil hairs movin on my neck. how could she know all this? n all these folks! she even mentchuned deirdre frum wurk n dint nobidy know nuthin bout her n even so, with deirdre twuz nuthin but flirtin cross the cafeterya n sum phone calls.

whenever she could see i had dun started to take her seryus, she tuck my hands n put em under the ends of her blouse n kissed me n then we wuz a'doin the deed n then we woke up n she put on her dirty cloze n i drove her home.

we went in, n thar wuz a nuther sprize: her apartmint wuz all cleaned up, more'n i had ever seen it, n thar wuz no trace of the stuff we had found in her bedroom. n i tride to tell did she seem sprized n did she really wonta cum back.

but she seemed fine so i left her thar, n i tride to tell her next time we talked that i dint thank i wonted to continue on a counta i had a crazy bruther n last thang i needed to be playin round with wuz witchcraft n bla bla bla, but she stopped me befor i gut started good n sed she knew i had to leave her now but after tuther abi gut pregnunt, i wood wonta talk to her.

n i sed did that mean she dint wonta see me no more, on a counta as soon as she wuz the one sayin goodbye, then i wonted to keep on, but she sed twuznt a matter of whut she wonted but whut had to be n twuz sumthin we couldnt never escape.

n that wuz the last of gail fer a long while. n jes a sudden as she had cum out of the background, she disappeared back into it. n jc harding wood say he had dun seen her, n i wood ast when n whar. or i wood be a'sittin in the lounge n he wood ast why i wuz avoidin her, n i sed i hadnt seen her, n  he sed she wuz rite thar, n i ast whar, n he sed she had been rite thar a few mints ago. n whenever i called her number, thar wuz no anser.

twuz a long while befor i saw her agin. n i tole myself twuz fer the best on a counta she she wuz trubled n couldnt be no real witch.

but eli cum over one day n ast wuz i a'goin with that witch name of abby, n i ast him whar had he herd that on a counta nobidy in the fambly knew nuthin bout her. n i tole him i hadnt never been with no witch named abby nor no gurl neethur but i couldnt hep but wunder bout whut he knew.

i dint mentchun the witch name of gail.

life of buddy don, chaptur 43:
breakin a triangle

thay wuz this group of young folk bout my age in oak ridge that had em a house off highland avenue. witch twuz on a street called homer circle n that mint the group wuz purty much called the homer circle gang. thay wuz a lil prefab house thar n thats whar they wood gather to play thar musickul instrumints n talk n git hi n such lack. i gut to whar i wuz hauntin the place purty reglar on a counta i met this woman name of laura russell.

she wuz a studint at roane state community collidge n i met her down in the lounge whar all the kids wood set tween thar classes or jes hang out thar to see who mite drop by. i lacked to sit in the lounge n read while i wuz a'waitin fer class. i wood watch the gurls n wunder why twuz i couldnt seem to find one to go with me more reglar lack. thay wuz a number of em that wuz so easy on the eye ye could magine bein happy with em till ye gut to know em n figgered out thay wuz a passel of thangs ye wood wonta change, n thars one rule ye kin take to the bank n grave, n that is ye cant change nobidy but yerself, ifn yer lucky nuff to do even that. so i wood tend to git a crush on one till i gut to no her n then i could see twernt wurth the changes i wood have to make to git along.

i dint hardly notice her at furst. mayhap twuz on a counta she dint whar no makeup n dressed in nuthin but blue jeans n flannel shirts n boots, but thay wuz a conversayshun gut goin bout samuel peeps, witch he wuz the guy who kept a diary back in the 16 hunnerts. i wuz jes a half listnin n dint have much to say on the topick on a counta i dint know who this peeps wuz at the time. then sumbidy sed they dint thank folks kep diaries inny more n both laura n me sed 'yes they do' at the same time, n that gut us each to notice tuther. turnt out she had dun been ritin a diary since 1970 n i had been a'keepin one since 1967.

we made friends over it, n thats how i gut to be part of the homer circle gang, tho i never fit in on a counta i dint have no stranged instermints n nobidy had a mandlin to lend me, not to mentchun how i hadnt touched one since befor i marrd darlene, n thay wuz no peeano in the place, so whenever they gut to pickin, i wuz lef to listnin n watch n that wuz fine. corse, since laura dint play no instermint a tall n gut so we wood sit near each other n listen n purty soon gut so whenever they gut a'goin good we wood go out on the porch n drank ezra brooks whiskey.

i should mentchun rite here how she wuz marrd to a man name of kenny black, witch he wuz a gentl man who wuz a'larnin to pick guitar a bit, n whenever the pickin cummenced, he wood be trine so hard to keep up he woodnt never know ifn laura n me wuz in the room or whut. n thang wuz, i dint reelize they wuz marrd fer the longest on a counta how she woodnt take his name. i ast her bout that soons i knew they wuz marrd n she sed twuz on a counta twernt no reel marrg n she wuz dun jaded on luv n mos everthang ye could mentchun ceptn ye mite could wunder why she wuz a'wontin to hang out with me.

i reckon ye mite could say she wuz verr cunfused on that'n. i could see she lacked me a lot n wonted to spend as much time as she could with me. kenny lived in harriman n she wood stay with her folks often as not, witch they lived in oak ridge up on outer drive on east of illinois avenue. so twuz natcherul that she wood need a ride to skool in the mornin n purty soon twuz my habit to give it to her ifn she wuz in need of it.

but the main thang that gut us a'goin with each other wuz our diaries. we talked a lot bout em n whuther they wuz good fer innythang other than lettin off hot air.

one evenin, the musick wuz a'goin lack crazy. seem lack they gut stuck on that song rollin in my sweet babys arms fer most of the evenin, so we went out on the porch n started passin the ezra to each other. twuz a beeyootiful fall evenin, jes warm a nuff whar ye dint need a jacket but jes chilly a nuff whar a cuple of folk mite sit a bit closer to keep frum a'gittin a chill, n seem lack bout the thurd time we passed the ezra, she wuz a leanin rite agin me. she had a verr nice smell to her n seem lack it went rite thru me till i wonted to put my arms round her n bury my nose in her neck n maybe kiss her thar, n mayhap i dun it n mayhap she even wood turn jes in time to catch my lips on hers. n we wood kiss but then brake apart whenever they wuz between songs.

twuz such a momint, the sudden silence after the last chord, the laffin n hootin n hollerin n all, so we moved apart reel quick lack n she sed, loud sos kenny could here't ifn he wuz a lisnin, bout whuther i thought keepin a diary wuz good fer innythang. twuz a old topic, but dint nobidy know whuther we had dun talked it out, so i tole her i thought they wuz on a counta seemed lack i had larnt a lot bout ritin n bout myself frum a'keepin it.

so that made her ast did i ever read mine, n ye mite thank that wuz a stoopid questchun ceptn fack is, i hadnt never dun it. i add mitted as much. n she ast wuz i fraid to read it, n i sed i dint thank so, jes that i druther rite sumthin new than read sumthin old.

by then kenny wuz at the screen door a lookin out at the porch. i wuz leanin agin one post of the stairs n she wuz a leanin tuther way, n i held up the bottle, so kenny cum out n tuck a drank offn it. then he ast laura did she wonta go n she sed she wuznt tarrd in the least. then she ast wuz he tarrd n he sed he had sum studyin he needed to git up n do the next day. whenever i herd that lame egscuse, witch the next day wuz saturdy n that mint he had all weekend to study, i gut up n sauntered down to the sidewalk sos they could have em room to fuss n fite ifn need be.

twuz one of them mean fuss n fites whar neethur side is willin to raze thar voices n i felt fer kenny on a counta he wuz in luv n dint know how to ack lack he wuznt intrested in laura n thang is, them rules bout women wurks even when yer marrd to em. n he had dun give up trine to treat her lack he dint care no more, n he wuz down to the despert level of treatin her bout as nice as a man kin do n then a'gittin mad on a counta how she dint even seem to care whut he dun fer her, dint have no appreciashun fer his sackrifices.

ye kin take thisn fer gospel n that is, whenever one side is stoopin to the level of accusin tuther of not being properly grateful fer whut the one side is n has been a doin, tis too late fer doin thangs to make much differnts. such tackticks leads to resentmint, not gratitude n never to ackshul luv. i know that now on a counta i dun made kennys miss take more times than i kin count. mayhap ifn i finish this hole tale, i'll go back n make a count of the times i wuz stoopid thataway.

whut happent in this case wuz laura hollered at me n ast wood i give her a ride home n she knew the anser befor she ast, so i sed shure. n poor kenny looked at me lack he wood a shot me ifn his guitar hadda been a shotgun. in sted, he made a huge miss take, witch twuz to ast her whut she could see in me innyway.

that made her mad in the hit dog hollers sense of the wurd on a counta she wuznt add mittin she wuz a'seein innythang in me or havin them feelins fer me nor nuthin lack that, n she dint lack it that he had dun figgered out that she wuz. she dint anser him but jes gut up n walked over to me n handed me the bottle n ast did i wonta go down to the lake sos we could talk without bein interrupted. n she sed it loud a nuff fer kenny to here't n i wish't she hadnt but fack wuz, i wonted to go park innywhar with her n the lake wuz hi on the list.

so we walked over to my car n she hollered out to dave roberts, witch he wuz more or less the rangleader of the homer circle gang on a counta he wuz the one payin the rent, n ast him to come over n have a bite off'n the ezra. n he dun it, n then she ast dave to splain to kenny that she wood be sleepin in oak ridge. she dint say at her folks n ye could see dave wonted to ast did she mean at her parnts house on a counta he n kenny wuz close friends, but he dint say nuthin.

so we drove down twords melton hill n she wuz laffin n a'gittin more drunk n slappin me on the right thigh whenever she had a good point to make.

whenever we gut thar, i wuz thankin bout mayhap she wood let me kiss her, but twernt her plan. we gut out of the car n went to sit on a a picnic table to look at the lake. twuz a clear nite with no moon n a millyun stars out.  n she sed she had a proposal fer me. n then we bof laffed n she sed twernt a marrg proposal n i sed twuz good on a counta her already bein marrd. then she sed her proposal wuz that ifn i wood let her read my diary, she wood let me read hers.

i made a joke bout wuz it rite to git so intimate so quick n she laffed n sed i should kiss her then n i did n she kissed me back n purty soon she leaned back on the table n pullt me on top of her n we kissed sum more n then we shifted sumhow to whar she could feel how i wuz a'gittin wurked up n soons she felt that, she gut to pushin me away. so i ast whut wuz rong n she sed sumthin lack sex ruins everthang, speshly relayshunships.

ifn i had been born all grown up, i wooda sed then that thar wernt much reason to keep on spendin time together. but in them daze, whut she sed only made me wont her more. ackshly, it made me wont sex with her more only by that point, i couldnt tell if twuz her i wonted or jes to git her to say yes.

but whut i dun wuz agree to swappin diaries n then we drank sum more n talked n purty soon she wuz a'startin to nod, so i tuck her to her parnts house n let her out. n next day i red my own diaries so i could see whut she wood be a seein.

n that made me near sick. i could barely bleev my eyes, n twuz a shameful thang to see how i fell fer most ever trick n then rote my side down lack i wuz the one in charge. n i wuz ashamed of all the bad ritin in it, but thar wuz no way out by then, so whenever we wuz a'drivin to skool on mundy, i give her all eight of the notebooks i had filled up till then. that set her back a bit on a counta hers wuz only two lil notebooks, the kind ye git in a english class.

but i tuck em innyway n by the next day i had dun red em, but she dint wonta talk bout em till she had red mine. n turnt out she wuz takin notes on it, n purty soon we wood spend our lounge time out on the porch whar she wood read me whut she had writ bout what i had writ, n thang wuz, she wuz a'fallin in luv with the person she wuz makin frum my diaries, witch that wuznt the same person i wuz.

thats a bit of a conundrum, aint it? i wonted her by then more'n i could member a'wontin innybidy, witch thats the simple operayshun of rule #5, the sex ye wont most is the sex ye never git. but i kep thankin i wood have to git it sooner or later on a counta she wuz makin plans that included me.

one thang she gut frum whut she red wuz how i wonted to git out of tennessee n see sum of the worl. dint seem to matter whar. new york. europe. colombia. japan. whutever place ye mite name, thar wuz a chants i had dun hoped to go thar. n she wuz hopin to go sumwhars also, n the place she wonted to go wuz europe whar she wonted to git a pass whar ye kin take inny trane to innywhar long as twuz within sartin countries, n i lacked the idee a lot, so we begun a plannin it.

ye kin jes magine how that made kenny feel bout me n thangs. i speckted him to hate me, but he tuck a nuther track, witch he made friends with me n gut to whar he wood cum over n git me to play peeano for him or even fer the two of us to play together. n it gut so i lacked him a lot.

he wuz the one sed to me that the biggest problem in the cuntry wuz the disparty of wealth, n i sed i hadnt never noticed it, n he sed sumthin bout even the robber barons figgered they only needed lack 20 times as much as the wurkers in thar plants. n he sed twood be a good thang ifn thar wuz a law that sed the one who made the most in a cumpny could only make lack five times as much as the one who made the least n he claimed that wuz sumthin solon had cum up with, witch solon wuz a greek who did his ritin durin the golden age of greece. he bleeved real democracy mint sumthin closer to equalty tween rich n poor n he also pointed out how the economy wood wurk lots better ifn everbidy had a lil more money than they needed to git thar daily bread on a counta the more they wood buy, the more the economy wood grow, but ifn nobidy had no money ceptn a nuff to get the basics, then thar woodnt be as much of a economy. n he wood say thangs lack, member henry ford n the power of sellin lots of thangs fer a lil money ruther than a few thangs fer a lot.

as ye kin see, he wuz way ahead of me in lots of thangs, n now that i thank back on it, the conversayshuns we had stuck with me a lot longer than innythang laura had writ or sed or done.

but that dint stop me frum a'wontin her, even when i had dun red her diary n could see she wuznt nearly as deep as she seemed to be. n it brought me down that she had writ bout me n sed she thought she had dun found the anser on a counta i wuz a man who cared for her mind not her sex. n whenever i red it, i knew she had it egzackly backwards. i wuznt that intrested in her mine but i shore nuff did wonta touch her n have sex with her.

twernt to be. oh, we kep ridin back n forth to skool n makin plans bout europe, but by then, seemed lack i wuz on the defense n purty soon she got sos she noticed it, n then rule #3 kicked in, witch that the one says a woman is attracted to a man who aint intrested, speshly if he treats her bad. i wuznt treatin her bad so much as makin more time for kenny than i wuz makin fer her, n gut so the only time i wood see her wuz whenever she needed a ride to wurk.

then she invited me down to tellico to camp out fer the weekend n i could see she wuz a'gone have sex with me. i reckon thar wuz sumthin in me that wuz a'changin on a counta whenever she dun that, i sed i wood go, n then i ast kenny did he wonta go too n i sed my tent wuz big a nuff fer three, n he coulda kissed me he wuz so grateful.

so we went, n whenever he showed up, ye could see she wuz bout as pissed off as she could be, only she wuz mad at him, not me. i tole her i had invited him, n that made her even madder at him. but i tole him he should stay n he had dun brought a canoe, so he sed he wood. n fack wuz, the three of us had a nice time on the river, paddlin n fishin. caught a nuff trout fer dinner n i showed em how ye fixed em with cornmeal n crisco n they sed twuz a good a meal as ever they had et.

n we set round the far n shared sum ezra n purty soon kenny tuck out his guitar n wuz playin n i gut to sangin a lil harmonies with him, n ye could see twuz a drivin laura over the edge. she sed she needed to take a walk, n kenny ast did she wont cumpny, n she sed she did only not him.

twuz a verr uncomfertabull momint. i dint much wonta go eethur, but she sed c'mon bud, i need to talk. n i looked over to kenny n he sed fuck her only he mint he dint care no more. n i could see he really dint, only she couldnt so we tuck a walk n purty soon we wuz a kissin n a'gittin wurked up till we wuz touchin places we hadnt never touched befor. n then she started pullin off my shirt, n thats when i sprize my ownself by sayin i dint thank twuz the place or time. n that jes made her hotter than befor, but i sed we needed to git back.

so we did n poor kenny wuz in his sleepin bag in the tent, a way over on one side of it, so we gut in our sleepin bags n she ast should we put em together to make one n i sed mine dint wurk thataway, witch that wuz a lie n she spotted it n it made her mad but whut could she do?

then in the middle of the nite, i woke n found she wuz a kissin my neck n that gut me a'goin in a instunt n i kissed her back fer a bit till i woke up a nuff to here kenny snore. i dint have no cloze on ceptn my underwear n purty soon she had her hand down thar, n thats when i gut up n sed i had to go, n she hit me, n that woke kenny up. he ast whut time twuz, n i sed twuz time fer me to go n that woke him up more.

he looked out the tent n sed twuz still dark, n i sed twuz, but twoodnt be fer long. i ast him wood he brang my tent to me n he sed he wood.

n bout the time i gut to my car, here cum laura n she wuz a wunderin whut i thought i wuz a'doin n i tole her i wuz a'goin home on a counta twernt rite whut wuz a'happnin. n i tole her i wuznt a'gonna go to europe with her nor nuthin. n she ast wuz it over between us n i sed i reckoned so only it hadnt ever truly begun.

then i tole her that i lacked kenny too much to treat him thataway. fack wuz, i lacked him more'n i did her, n i tole her twuz on a counta he wuz honest n a deep thanker n she had probly missed it. n she sed she knew he wuz smart n all, but i sed she jes wuznt a'gittin whut i wuz sayin n probly she woodnt know whut she had till she had dun lost it. n she ast did i mean me, n i sed i mint kenny.

then i sed n i wuz sorry fer her since kenny wuz purty much a'gittin tired of her n wonted to find a way out, n he had even ast me wood i take her offn his hands sos he could be free. twuz a bald faced lie, but she fell fer it n turned on her heel n tole me to go to hell. n soons i got down the road a bit, i gut to thankin i had give up on hell of a woman. but that wuz only on a counta i couldnt have her then.

they say a triangle is the strongest form in architeckchur. but ifn ye take out one side, tuther two will fall rite together. n thats whut happened. purty soon they had em a chile on the way, n next time i saw her, she wuz a usin the name laura black. n the triangle wuz broke.

life of buddy don, chaptur 42:
eli tries to start over

ifn yer payin close tenchun to everthang up to now, then you probly dun figgered out that susannah wuz the 'jew gurl' eli mentshuned in chaptur 40 whenever he tole me i wuz a'gone be in the jungle till after virgil n myra jane moved here n i met her. so ye mite could thank he wuz really moren jes crazy n mayhap thar wuz sumthin to his spirtchul powers. n thay wuz plenty times ye wood thank jes that. n the way i tole bout him gittin his disabilty up frum 10 per cent to 30 n then to 100, well, i couldnt blame ye ifn ye thought twuz the wurk of a afternoon.

but life wernt all that simple fer eli, never wuz, n thay wuz plenty times he seemed to fit brew's judgmint that he wuz a dud. he once quit his job at shoneys big boy restrunt on a counta bad treatmint, witch the thang wuz, bad treatmint wuz part of the job n everbidy knew it, but he gut to whar he couldnt stand it no more n walked off.

nex day, he called n ast wood i cum over n go fer a ride with him, witch that mint wood i git him hi, so i tole him i dint have nuthin jes then, n he sed dint matter nun, he had jes quit his job n needed to talk. i knew twuz seryus then on a counta nobidy never lacked gittin hi bettern eli.

so whenever i gut up on the nex evenin, witch twuz a thursdy, we tuck a ride n he tole me he had dun made up his mind to move to a new place n git him a new start. i ast had he dun pickt a place, n he sed he had, n twuz greenvul south carolina. so corse i had to ast him why he pickt greenvul n he sed he lacked the name. i knew bettern to ast him bout that on a counta he wood be brangin in his misticull will n all, so i ast him wuz he a'gone wait till he scored him sum of theevil weed befor he lef, n he sed he wuznt on a counta he wonted to make a new start.

even so, nex day, he tuck all his sticks n stems n converted em into powder usin mamas blender n packt him a small suitcase of cloze n dads duffl filled with books, witch twuz the same duffl i had tuck to californy with me all them years ago, n mama n me traded cars fer the trip n we loaded up mamas car n tuck off. he sold me all his records fer $100, witch i dint really wont em on a counta we dint have the same taste, but he needed the money n i could git it frum the k25 credit union, so thats whut i dun.

we drove purty slow to our furst stop, witch that wood be ashvul north carolina. we wuz a'talkin the hole way bout eli's future n whut he planned on a'doin. n he wuz splainin how he dint half to wurry over whuther he wuz a'gone make it on a counta god wuz takin care of him. we stopped in ashville n he bought him a paper to check out the wont-ads on a counta ifn thar wuz the rite job thar, he mite half to cum back n git it on a counta mayhap god dint wont him in greenvul. he had him a favert bookstore frum whenever he wuz a'wurkin in skyland n then thar wuz a hamburger stand whar he wonted to eat, so we did.

ye mite could thank he wood be a'gittin wurried bout findin a job whenever thay wuznt nuthin in ashvul fer him, but twuz jes the opposit. he wuz moren more optimistick all the time n he wuz a'sayin thangs lack he wood jes half to make it, even ifn it mint he wuz a'gone half to beg to git by.

we gut back on the rode n thar ahed of us wuz the biggest blackest storm ye ever did see, so black it looked lack we wuz a drivin frum day strate into nite. eli gut to comparin the storm to the unknowns in his future, the possbull hardships a'waitin fer him. but as we drove down out of the moutains, that storm kep to our left n purty soon we could see we wuz a'gone miss it cumpleetly. twuz a purty site n eli tole me twuz a sign frum god bout how even ifn thangs looked real bad ye had to keep faith n mayhap the storm that seems to threaten ye at ever turn is jes a'gone pass ye by.

whenever we gut to greenvul, twuz near nitefall so we drove round town n looked at everthang n twuz plane that thay wuznt much in the way of white folk livin thar n ye could see that wernt sumthin eli had calculated in advants, so he sed lets check out easly south carolina on a counta he felt lack it mite be better to git his new start in a smaller town. so thats whar we drove n seem lack rite away we run into a hotel that looked lack twood fit eli's needs to a 't' on a counta twuz deserted lookin n thar wuznt no cars parked nowhar n nobidy wuz a'sittin round on the porch nor nuthin.

i let eli out n went to park the car. he found a old lady who wuz a'sittin in a car out frunt of the place n she claimed to be the owner. the two of em wuz a'hittin it off purty good whenever i cum round to help out. at that time, eli kep his hair cut close to his scalp n he wuznt wearin no beerd. mayhap ifn i wuz a'doin the same thang, this lil story mite coulda cum out differnt. but at that time i wuz a'wearin long hair n a thick black beerd, n soons i cum up, the old lady cummenced to splainin she dint have no vacancies n that ifn she ever did, twood cost $22 a week n that all rents wuz to be paid in advants. i tride smilin at her to show i wuz harmless, but ever time i did, she wood grab a'holt of her purse a lil titer n tell eli bout whut else wuz rong bout him trine to live thar. so eli tole her he had been a'plannin on payin a munth up frunt but he dint lack to live with mean spirts n hard harts n so he couldnt verr well live in her hotel. n he sed lets go n we did, a'leevin her thar to say, 'but, but.'

so we drove back to greenvul n parked the car. by then twuz dark so we tuck out lookin fer a bar or sumthin whar young folks lacks to hang out, but as we wuz a'walkin twuz purty obveeus that the main thang folks dun in that town fer fun wuz to drive round the three main streets. n everbidy jes went rite on bein black n ye could see how that wuz makin eli nervus as could be. n we dint find no bar we lacked neethur.

while we wuz a'wonderin whut to do, we herd a couple of young guys a'talkin n one wuz a'sayin tuthern, 'i'll drink some more beer but i'm going to leave that whiskey alone.' n that made me laff n the guy sed it laffed, too. his friend cum up to us n sed dint look lack we wuz frum round thar n we add mitted we wuz new in town. n he points to me n asts did i cum frum heaven on a counta he thought i looked jes lack jesus christ n that made me n eli laff, n then i ast him wuz he the devil n he lafft even more n then he showed me how he had been branded with the devils number 666 n eli sed lets go but befor we did the guy grabbed elis shirt in such a gentle way that eli let him. n the guys sed sumthin to eli lack ye know that everbidy wuz jes dust collekted together fer a few years as a man, thats all, jes a few years, n after that, nuthin, jes plane nuthin, on a counta nothin frum nothin leeves nuthin. then a car cum up with a lode of gurls innit n thay beeped thar horn n the two guys gut into the car with em.

n eli wuz shuck up over meetin the devil, witch he sed twuz the devil hisself on a counta the devil could take inny form he wonted n he wuz a trine to brang us down n make us hopeless till we wonted to kill ourself n far as he, elias muir duncan, jr., wuz concernt, the devil dun made his point. lawsy day, but he wuz down. we walked back to our car n he wuznt sayin nuthin n ye could almost feel his fear and sadness.

then we cum to a lil convenyunts store thar n i ast did he wont a beer n suddenly he smiled n sed we should git us a six pack, so we did n went to find a hotel room fer the nite. but he wuznt the least bit happy n could barely keep his face frum fallin to the floor. he'd been hopin to find a cheep place to live while he wuz a'lookin fer a job n twuz purty clear he wuznt a'gone find one. n he had a hedache frum smokin the stems, witch i had one too but dint wonta brang that up. i had been awake fer over 24 hours by then, so i drank two of the beers n he drank four n we wuz too tired to eat. he sed next day we should move on to charleston south carolina n that wood be better.

he woke up bout 5 am n he woke me even tho i wuz feelin near ded. but he needed to talk so i gut up n he ast me how could it be that he wuz havin truble bleevin in god now even tho he wuz so shure bout him jes a lil while ago. n i tole him i often felt the same way, but he wuznt intrested in whut i wuz a'feelin on a counta i hadnt had my doors of perceptshun opened in the furst place so whut differnts could it make whut i thought? n i sed wuznt we all gods chilren n he sed we wuz ifn thar wuz a god n that wuz the point of his a'gittin me up. he sed it takes a bleef in god to make it so a bidy could have confidents bout the future n it makes the present easier to take.

then he sed twuz the devils fault n i ast did he mean the black guy frum the nite befor n he acted lack twuz a stoopid question on a counta when else had we seen the devil? n i sed wuznt it in the bibl whar frum dust ye wuz made n to dust ye shall go but that thay wuz a sole that wuz apart frum all that? n dint he have the misticull will to git it to cum in rite agin? n ifn he did, woodnt he feel rite bout thar bein a god n all? n i sed shure twuz absurd to thank thar wuz a god in a worl of such cruelty n sadness n evil, but wuznt that part of the test god gives everbidy? as ye kin see, i wuz makin stuff up bout as quick as i could talk, but twuz wurkin. he sed mayhap my doors of perceptshun wuz open n he wuz a'feelin better bout everthang.

so we went back to sleep n then gut up bout 10 n drove to columbia whar we ate. eli dint say three wurds the hole time, n twuz hard to tell ifn he wuz feelin scart or hopeful.

purty soon, we wuz in one of the purtiest towns in the worl, witch that wood be charleston. tiz a old city with sum streets of cobblestones n buildins that looked to be over a hunnert years old n the smell of the sea. thang wuz, most of the folks thar wuz black folk as well n that led him to startin to chant the same thang overn over agin: 'why oh why did i half to be taught them fears? why oh why did i half to be taught them fears?' corse, he mint fears of black folk.

we walked round fer bout three hours n twuz clear frum the instunt we gut out that thar wuznt no way he wood be a'stayin thar. then he kep sayin that the only sensibull act left him wuz suicide. i tride to remind him that he dint need to brang the end on early, that twood cum in the good time god give it, but he dint wonta here innythang bout that. he had him a situwayshun that he kinda lacked to hate havin. he couldnt stay in no town we had seen so far n he dint thank he could go back to oak ridge neethur. i could see how he felt n couldnt thank of nuthin else to say.

so i sed why dont we git us sum beer n start drivin back in the direckshun of tennessee n he agreed, mainly on a counta he really lacked beer.

so we started a'drivin back n he kep a'sayin how foolish the hole egsperients had made him feel. n i sed twuz ruff all rite but wuznt it wurth it on a counta all he wuz a'larnin? he had met the devil n cum away with his faith challenged but sill livin. n he lacked that n gut into talkin bout whut he'd sed to that devil n how the devil had seen i had the spirt of jesus in me n i sed twuz only the beerd n long hair, but he sed thar wuz sumthin that kep that devils hand frum him n that had to be it.

on the way back, we stopped in spartanburg south carolina to git a fish sandwitch frum macdonalds. we furst stopped at a gas stayshun n the attendant wuz a kindly ole man who tole us thay wuz plenty of jobs round town n cheep housin to boot. thang wuz, we had dun quit lookin, n here we cum upon jes whut we wuz a lookin fer. we drove twards macdonalds n on the way we passed a motel that wonted jes $10 a week.

then at macdonalds eli met one of the gurls thar n seemed lack she wuz sweet on him rite away n they talked while eli ate his fish sandwich n i drank my coffee. she tole him bout the town, how thay wuz three collidges n plenty of wurk n how most the folks wuz white. fack is, twuz a lot lack oak ridge. we checked that thar hotel, but they dint have no $10 rooms left. they did have one fer $18.75 a week, but eli thought that wuz too steep. then he deecided he wood save him up $200 n cum back.

corse, he never dun it. sted, we drove strate to shoneys big boy restrunt whar he sed he wonted to eat but furst thang he dun wuz apologize to the manjer n gut his job back. n he wuz trine to ack lack thangs had cum out jes lack they wuz spozed to, but i could see twernt so. he tride to smile, even to laff, but ye could see ifn ye had eyes that he wuz beat. n wurse than that, he knew it.

life of buddy don, chaptur 41:
women: the rules

i started puttin together the rules that women wurks by during my time in the jungle n i did it usin the scientific method. ye mite member that'n frum skool, but in case ye dun fergot it, here's how twurks.

1. obsurv sum part of the worl, women fer instunts
   
2. make a hype-o-thesis bout how to splain it
   
3. use yer hype-o-thesis to perdick how other parts of the worl wood ack, other women fer instunts
   
4. test yer hype-o-thesis n modify it accordin to how close yer perdickshun cum to bein rite
   
5. repeat steps 3 and 4 till ye git a perdickshun that wurks ever time.

i made many a hype-o-thesis n did lots of testin, n i cum up with a few thangs that seem lack they wurked. fack is, i cum away a'thankin thar aint all that many rules to be discovert. here's the ones i had by the time i was a'gittin out of the jungle n into a longer relayshunship.

1. ifn ye treat em real nice, theys a'gone do thar best to git away frum ye
   
2. women luv outlaws
   
3. a woman is attracted to a man who aint intrested, speshly if he treats her bad
   
4. ye cant fake bein unintrested
   
5. the sex ye wont most is the sex ye never git
   
6. the sex ye git never seems as good as the sex ye wont but cant git but in fack tiz better on a counta yer a'gittin it

here's sum of the evidents i wuz able to colleck to proov each hype-o-thesis, witch i call em rules on a counta thats how they wurks.

case of chelle armstrong, witch her real name wuz michelle only she hated it n lacked fer everbidy to call her chelle but not shelly, witch thats whut everbidy tride n it mint she had to splain her  name overn over agin: i met chelle whenever i wuz in the oak ridge mental helth clink whar she wuz a nuther payshunt. she wuz a lil on the plump side fer my taste, n i dint realize how i wuz ackshly testin a cuple them rules at once, witch they wood be numbers 3, 5 & 6. here's how't happened.

we wuz bof payshunts only fer slitely differnt reasons. i wuz sad bout losin my wife as ye mite member. she wuz sad on a counta life dint seem wurth livin n she had dun tride to end it, witch the mane thing that dun wuz give her these ugly scars on her wrists ceptn they wernt all that deep n ye could see she dint really wonta die.

i wuz never able to resist trine to hep sumbidy that wuz real down so i tride to cheer her up. thang wuz, i dint find her a tall intrestin fer a date n thats probly whut made her so crazy to git a date with me n i give in n sed ifn we ever gut out i wood take her to dinner or a movie or sumthin.

so we bof gut out n i had to make good on the promiss so i tuck her out fer dinner at red lobster n a movie only we couldnt find a movie we lacked so she ast why dint we go back to my place n i fell fer it. n purty soon we wuz sittin on the couch n she leant over n kisst me n i tuck it lack a challenge n kisst her rite back n purty soon we wuz a layin on the couch one on top tuthern n she sed she thought we needed each other n whut she mint wuz wood i do the deed with her n whenever i tuck her meanin i gut a sick feelin in my stumach n wunderd wuz thar innyway of a'gittin out of it but thar wernt.

so we wint back into my bedroom n tuck offn our cloze n gut in bed n started a'doin it n twent on fer a while without no satisfackshun on eethur end so we stopped to talk. she wuz all humiliated, witch thats the exack wurd she used, humiliated on a counta she hadnt never had a orgasm. corse that could have been a tacktick for all i know now on a counta ifn ye wuz makin rules fer men ye wood probly put one in thar bout givin em a challenge that aint possbull. but whuther twuz a tacktick or not, i fell fer't n clumb rite back up on her n tride my best to git her to have satisfackshun n twuz quite a bit of wurk befor i give it up.

so we stopped n she smoked a cigarette while we talkt. she tole me i wuz the furst white man she'd ever had inny sex with n how her daddy had been abusive to her n had made her do thangs that made her uncomfertabull n later she knew twuz rong whut he made her do. n then whenever she wuz in skool, everbidy tole her she wuz a slut on a counta how she walked, witch she did have a big behind n it give her a very sexy way of walkin, but seemed lack kids frum the valley dint have no problem with it n purty soon she gut to hangin out on the block over in scarboro n thats how she cum to have nuthin but black boyfriends.

turnt out i wuz more intrested in whut she could tell me bout her life than i wuz in havin sex with her so we talked fer the longest n she tole me lots of thangs bout the valley n life over thar, witch i wuz a'gone larn sum more bout that part of murkin life a lil later on.

then we gut back to wurk n i give it as much as i could but couldnt neethur one of us git to satisfackshun till she sed twuznt wurth trine to git hers but she could make me have  mine usin other methods, n she used one of em n twuz ok only i kept thankin i shouldnt even be thar with her on a counta i dint feel innythang fer her. but i tride to quit thankin bout that n started into thankin bout sumthin egcitin sos i could finish n purty soon i found myself tendin lack twuz darlene a'doin whut chelle wuz doin, n that gut me to finish rite away on a counta whut chelle wuz a'doin darlene woodnt never do, no how, no way. n i felt awful bout it n wisht thar wuz sum way she coulda disappeared as soon as she wuz done.

i know, twuz the sexshul revolushun n everbidy wuz a havin fun with folks they wuznt in luv with, but fer me, i couldnt git that one to take rite sumhow.

n after that, i tuck her home on a counta i sed i had to to wurk the next day, witch that wuz a lie only i dint wont her to be thar when i woke up. n thats purty much how i treated her frum then on. n seemed lack the wurser i treated her, the more she wonted me n the more thangs she wuz willin to do to proov it n thar wuz a temptayshun to try thangs with her i hadnt ever dun befor.

but i dint do nuthin but finely tell her i dint wont to see her no more n she cride n i sed twuz sumthin rong with me not her but dint matter whut i sed, purty soon i had to say i wuz a'hangin up n that made her cry all the more n then i hung up the phone.

case of martha anderson, witch she's the one i met at shoneys n dun tole ye sum about. shes a nuther'n that proovs ifn ye treat em bad they stay attracted.

case of carla, the short gurl, witch i tole her frum the furst that i dint thank i could be seryus bout a gurl that wuz so short but dint seem to make much of a impresshun on her, n she kept on trine till i had a phone call whar i tole her i dint wont to see her no more n she cride. n point is, i treated her bout as bad as ye kin do short of gittin physicully violent n seem lack she jes wonted me all the more.

no doubt thays a passel of otherns that i treated bad, probly too many to mentshun, but i reckon yer a'gittin the point. the cases above prooves rule #3 n a bit of #2 n #6. here's sum proof fer #1 n #2, witch theys the hardest to larn.

case of trudy schuler, witch she wuz gretchen schuler's older sister n her case proovs more'n one of them rules but we'll start with the furst thang she prooved. i met trudy on a counta gretchen tole me she wuz broke up with her boyfriend n could use a phone call. turnt out she wuz a'wurkin graveyards same as me only she wuz a x-ray tecknishun at the baptist hospital over n knoxvul. so i called her n she ast me did i wonta cum by n git hi befor wurk, n rite away thar wuz truble on a counta i dint ever git hi befor a'goin to wurk, but i sed i wood n i figgered ifn i went by early a nuff i wood be ok by time wurk started.

corse thangs dint wurk thataway. she wuz livin up off hillside avenue near highland n whenever i dropped by she tole me i wuznt allowed to look at the mess, witch twertn innyway not to look at it, but it tended lack i couldnt see nuthin. so i looked at her, witch she wuz verr easy on the eye bein a redhead with brite blue eyes. she wuz a lil on the skinny side but i always lacked that on a counta i wuz once tole that big breasts wuz easy to find but flat stumachs wuz hard, n she sartinly did have a flat stumach. fack is, she had a nice bidy all round.

but she dint have nuthin to smoke so i rolled us up one n lit it n after we wuz dun, she showed me sum pitchers of her fambly n splained sum of the thangs she lacked, witch seem lack she wonted to git hi more'n innythang else. n purty soon we wuz a kissin, n i wuz carrd away with emoshun befor ye could say kiss me kate. n rite away i started drivin her away with nice treatment. i called her ever nite n cum by whenever she wonted to git hi fer the next week or so. then i bought her sum flowers n sent her sum chockluts n that wuz that. nex time i called her to see when did she wonta git together agin, she wuz busy. n no matter whut time i picked out fer a date, she couldnt make it. n it hurt, but twuz proof of rule #1.

case of carmine mcmichaels, witch she wuz maisie's english teechur n maise set us up to go out n ride horses on a counta she had a horse n wuz intrested in the same stuff as me. n i tuck her out ridin n tuck her to dinner n treated her lack a queen. n then she met a guy name of scar, witch his real name wuz geoffrey cambell n he wuz a ex-con who had jes cum out of brushy mountain n wonted me to rite his story n then he met carmine n purty soon they wuz a thang n i couldnt figger whut i had dun rong. scar wuz in fer manslaughter n sum say shoulda been murder, n he had sevrul teeth missin frum his smile n a scar on his face frum his eyebrow to his chin. n she's the one taught me rule #2, not to mentshun #1.

thar wuz other cases lack crazy. thay wuz the case of this woman name of deirdre who wuz marrd n wurked at k25 n made eyes at me everday in the cafeterya n we exchanged numbers n i teased her all the time n tole her i woodnt have nuthin to do with no marrd woman, witch that wuz a lie, only twuz one frum whut i had dun larned frum martha, n that made her call me up to wurm my home number out of me till twuz a rare afternoon that we dint talk fer a bit before i fell asleep. n she wuz one of the most beautiful women i ever saw, n she helped me understand rule #5. fack is, i had more fantasies bout deirdre than i had sex with innybidy in them days, witch i never once even touched deirdre's hand. twuznt innythang more'n smiles across a cafeteria n flirtin phone calls.

thay wuz also a group of gurls in my biology class n mayhap thay wuz my best fun far as women is concerned. we wood flirt lack crazy durin labs. thay wuz five of em n i wuz the lucky guy thay lacked to tease, so they wood ast me wood i look in thar microscope only they woodnt hardly move out of the way n theyd be rubbin up agin me n makin comments on bilogickal reackshuns. n i teased em rite back but never had no intrest in a'gittin to know em inny better n they dint have no more intrest in a'gittin to know me far as i could tell, so we jes had us sum plane ole fun.

mayhap mos confusin of all wuz the case of susannah bilder, witch we went thru ever one of them rules n then cum back fer more a year later. she wuz a injuneer out at k25 n i met her one day when i noticed that seemed lack ever woman i knew had cum up to meet me. i hadnt gone after hardly a one. n in this case, i had dun larnt not to ack lack i wuz intrested whenever i saw susannah a'sittin in the cafeteria all alone. i went over n ast could i sit thar, n that led to our bein friends who met fer lunch. deirdre lacked to tease me bout her bein my next wife, but twernt nuthin but lunch fer the longest.

fack is, i dint have no intrest in susannah a tall. fer one, she wuz jewish n looked it n i hadnt never seen the beauty of that kind of woman befor. so i thought her hair wuz too frizzy n her nose to big n besides that, she had a lazy eye n sumtimes she wuz walleyed n sumtimes crosseyed but almost never straight on. n fer all them reasons, i dint have no intrest, really dint.

corse, that mint she could be intrested in me, n one day she saw me a'talkin to hindu, a black guy who wurked in food service, n she could tell me n him wuz talkin bout sumthin we shouldnt a been a'doin, witch we wuz a'goin in tughether on a quarter pound of theevil weed to keep the price down. n she herd whutever twuz she herd n purty soon she wondered why i woodnt show her round town n take her to see the atomic energy museum, n i fell fer it. turnt out she had dun conclooded i wuz a outlaw frum the conversayshun i had with hindu.

so i picked her up on a saturdy mornin n we went to the museum n then over to knoxvul fer lunch n then to a movie n then to dinner n then to play sum tennis n then over to her place whar i stayed the nite. n rite thar ye had the followin proofs:

fer rule #1, ifn ye treat em real nice, theys a'gone do thar best to git away frum ye, witch i treated her nice the next day, n we dint have a nuther date fer over a year.

fer rule #2, women luv outlaws, witch she thought i wuz a outlaw but she wuz rong n soons she figgered it out, she dint find me near as intrestin.

fer rule #3, a woman is attracted to a man who aint intrested, speshly if he treats her bad, witch i wuznt intrested a tall on a counta she dint seem all that purty to me till i dint have her no more, witch that wuz the verr next day.

fer rule #4, ye cant fake bein unintrested, witch she tuck up with a handsum but cold-hearted fella the next week or so, n suddenly i wonted her back but couldnt do nuthin but ack lack i dint care but i did n she could tell it sum kinda way.

fer rule #5, the sex ye wont most is the sex ye never git, witch the odd thang wuz whenever we wuz havin sex that furst time, dint seem lack i wuz all that intrested n wonted to stop ceptn i dint wont her to thank i dint find her attractive, ceptn i dint at that time, but fack wuz she had a verr sexy bidy n way about her n once i dint have her no more, seem lack i couldnt hardly git that one long nite of sex offn my mind n thay wuznt hardly nuthin i wonted more

fer rule #6, the sex ye git never seems as good as the sex ye wont but cant git but in fack tiz better on a counta yer a'gittin it, witch i prooved this on a counta i dint lack the sex we wuz a havin whenever we wuz a havin it, but as soon as we werent, i wisht we wuz, n by that i could see twuz better to have it than not ceptn that wuz hard to tell when ye did have it.

no doubt thays other rules n mayhap thay wurks bettern these, but i gut a lifetime's evidents bout these'uns wurkin purt much evertime.