Monday, August 25, 2003

life of buddy don, chaptur 41:
women: the rules

i started puttin together the rules that women wurks by during my time in the jungle n i did it usin the scientific method. ye mite member that'n frum skool, but in case ye dun fergot it, here's how twurks.

  1. obsurv sum part of the worl, women fer instunts
  2. make a hype-o-thesis bout how to splain it
  3. use yer hype-o-thesis to perdick how other parts of the worl wood ack, other women fer instunts
  4. test yer hype-o-thesis n modify it accordin to how close yer perdickshun cum to bein rite
  5. repeat steps 3 and 4 till ye git a perdickshun that wurks ever time.

i made many a hype-o-thesis n did lots of testin, n i cum up with a few thangs that seem lack they wurked. fack is, i cum away a'thankin thar aint all that many rules to be discovert. here's the ones i had by the time i was a'gittin out of the jungle n into a longer relayshunship.

  1. ifn ye treat em real nice, theys a'gone do thar best to git away frum ye
  2. women luv outlaws
  3. a woman is attracted to a man who aint intrested, speshly if he treats her bad
  4. ye cant fake bein unintrested
  5. the sex ye wont most is the sex ye never git
  6. the sex ye git never seems as good as the sex ye wont but cant git but in fack tiz better on a counta yer a'gittin it

here's sum of the evidents i wuz able to colleck to proov each hype-o-thesis, witch i call em rules on a counta thats how they wurks.

case of chelle armstrong, witch her real name wuz michelle only she hated it n lacked fer everbidy to call her chelle but not shelly, witch thats whut everbidy tride n it mint she had to splain her  name overn over agin: i met chelle whenever i wuz in the oak ridge mental helth clink whar she wuz a nuther payshunt. she wuz a lil on the plump side fer my taste, n i dint realize how i wuz ackshly testin a cuple them rules at once, witch they wood be numbers 3, 5 & 6. here's how't happened.

we wuz bof payshunts only fer slitely differnt reasons. i wuz sad bout losin my wife as ye mite member. she wuz sad on a counta life dint seem wurth livin n she had dun tride to end it, witch the mane thing that dun wuz give her these ugly scars on her wrists ceptn they wernt all that deep n ye could see she dint really wonta die.

i wuz never able to resist trine to hep sumbidy that wuz real down so i tride to cheer her up. thang wuz, i dint find her a tall intrestin fer a date n thats probly whut made her so crazy to git a date with me n i give in n sed ifn we ever gut out i wood take her to dinner or a movie or sumthin.

so we bof gut out n i had to make good on the promiss so i tuck her out fer dinner at red lobster n a movie only we couldnt find a movie we lacked so she ast why dint we go back to my place n i fell fer it. n purty soon we wuz sittin on the couch n she leant over n kisst me n i tuck it lack a challenge n kisst her rite back n purty soon we wuz a layin on the couch one on top tuthern n she sed she thought we needed each other n whut she mint wuz wood i do the deed with her n whenever i tuck her meanin i gut a sick feelin in my stumach n wunderd wuz thar innyway of a'gittin out of it but thar wernt.

so we wint back into my bedroom n tuck offn our cloze n gut in bed n started a'doin it n twent on fer a while without no satisfackshun on eethur end so we stopped to talk. she wuz all humiliated, witch thats the exack wurd she used, humiliated on a counta she hadnt never had a orgasm. corse that could have been a tacktick for all i know now on a counta ifn ye wuz makin rules fer men ye wood probly put one in thar bout givin em a challenge that aint possbull. but whuther twuz a tacktick or not, i fell fer't n clumb rite back up on her n tride my best to git her to have satisfackshun n twuz quite a bit of wurk befor i give it up.

so we stopped n she smoked a cigarette while we talkt. she tole me i wuz the furst white man she'd ever had inny sex with n how her daddy had been abusive to her n had made her do thangs that made her uncomfertabull n later she knew twuz rong whut he made her do. n then whenever she wuz in skool, everbidy tole her she wuz a slut on a counta how she walked, witch she did have a big behind n it give her a very sexy way of walkin, but seemed lack kids frum the valley dint have no problem with it n purty soon she gut to hangin out on the block over in scarboro n thats how she cum to have nuthin but black boyfriends.

turnt out i wuz more intrested in whut she could tell me bout her life than i wuz in havin sex with her so we talked fer the longest n she tole me lots of thangs bout the valley n life over thar, witch i wuz a'gone larn sum more bout that part of murkin life a lil later on.

then we gut back to wurk n i give it as much as i could but couldnt neethur one of us git to satisfackshun till she sed twuznt wurth trine to git hers but she could make me have  mine usin other methods, n she used one of em n twuz ok only i kept thankin i shouldnt even be thar with her on a counta i dint feel innythang fer her. but i tride to quit thankin bout that n started into thankin bout sumthin egcitin sos i could finish n purty soon i found myself tendin lack twuz darlene a'doin whut chelle wuz doin, n that gut me to finish rite away on a counta whut chelle wuz a'doin darlene woodnt never do, no how, no way. n i felt awful bout it n wisht thar wuz sum way she coulda disappeared as soon as she wuz done.

i know, twuz the sexshul revolushun n everbidy wuz a havin fun with folks they wuznt in luv with, but fer me, i couldnt git that one to take rite sumhow.

n after that, i tuck her home on a counta i sed i had to to wurk the next day, witch that wuz a lie only i dint wont her to be thar when i woke up. n thats purty much how i treated her frum then on. n seemed lack the wurser i treated her, the more she wonted me n the more thangs she wuz willin to do to proov it n thar wuz a temptayshun to try thangs with her i hadnt ever dun befor.

but i dint do nuthin but finely tell her i dint wont to see her no more n she cride n i sed twuz sumthin rong with me not her but dint matter whut i sed, purty soon i had to say i wuz a'hangin up n that made her cry all the more n then i hung up the phone.

case of martha anderson, witch she's the one i met at shoneys n dun tole ye sum about. shes a nuther'n that proovs ifn ye treat em bad they stay attracted.

case of carla, the short gurl, witch i tole her frum the furst that i dint thank i could be seryus bout a gurl that wuz so short but dint seem to make much of a impresshun on her, n she kept on trine till i had a phone call whar i tole her i dint wont to see her no more n she cride. n point is, i treated her bout as bad as ye kin do short of gittin physicully violent n seem lack she jes wonted me all the more.

no doubt thays a passel of otherns that i treated bad, probly too many to mentshun, but i reckon yer a'gittin the point. the cases above prooves rule #3 n a bit of #2 n #6. here's sum proof fer #1 n #2, witch theys the hardest to larn.

case of trudy schuler, witch she wuz gretchen schuler's older sister n her case proovs more'n one of them rules but we'll start with the furst thang she prooved. i met trudy on a counta gretchen tole me she wuz broke up with her boyfriend n could use a phone call. turnt out she wuz a'wurkin graveyards same as me only she wuz a x-ray tecknishun at the baptist hospital over n knoxvul. so i called her n she ast me did i wonta cum by n git hi befor wurk, n rite away thar wuz truble on a counta i dint ever git hi befor a'goin to wurk, but i sed i wood n i figgered ifn i went by early a nuff i wood be ok by time wurk started.

corse thangs dint wurk thataway. she wuz livin up off hillside avenue near highland n whenever i dropped by she tole me i wuznt allowed to look at the mess, witch twertn innyway not to look at it, but it tended lack i couldnt see nuthin. so i looked at her, witch she wuz verr easy on the eye bein a redhead with brite blue eyes. she wuz a lil on the skinny side but i always lacked that on a counta i wuz once tole that big breasts wuz easy to find but flat stumachs wuz hard, n she sartinly did have a flat stumach. fack is, she had a nice bidy all round.

but she dint have nuthin to smoke so i rolled us up one n lit it n after we wuz dun, she showed me sum pitchers of her fambly n splained sum of the thangs she lacked, witch seem lack she wonted to git hi more'n innythang else. n purty soon we wuz a kissin, n i wuz carrd away with emoshun befor ye could say kiss me kate. n rite away i started drivin her away with nice treatment. i called her ever nite n cum by whenever she wonted to git hi fer the next week or so. then i bought her sum flowers n sent her sum chockluts n that wuz that. nex time i called her to see when did she wonta git together agin, she wuz busy. n no matter whut time i picked out fer a date, she couldnt make it. n it hurt, but twuz proof of rule #1.

case of carmine mcmichaels, witch she wuz maisie's english teechur n maise set us up to go out n ride horses on a counta she had a horse n wuz intrested in the same stuff as me. n i tuck her out ridin n tuck her to dinner n treated her lack a queen. n then she met a guy name of scar, witch his real name wuz geoffrey cambell n he wuz a ex-con who had jes cum out of brushy mountain n wonted me to rite his story n then he met carmine n purty soon they wuz a thang n i couldnt figger whut i had dun rong. scar wuz in fer manslaughter n sum say shoulda been murder, n he had sevrul teeth missin frum his smile n a scar on his face frum his eyebrow to his chin. n she's the one taught me rule #2, not to mentshun #1.

thar wuz other cases lack crazy. thay wuz the case of this woman name of deirdre who wuz marrd n wurked at k25 n made eyes at me everday in the cafeterya n we exchanged numbers n i teased her all the time n tole her i woodnt have nuthin to do with no marrd woman, witch that wuz a lie, only twuz one frum whut i had dun larned frum martha, n that made her call me up to wurm my home number out of me till twuz a rare afternoon that we dint talk fer a bit before i fell asleep. n she wuz one of the most beautiful women i ever saw, n she helped me understand rule #5. fack is, i had more fantasies bout deirdre than i had sex with innybidy in them days, witch i never once even touched deirdre's hand. twuznt innythang more'n smiles across a cafeteria n flirtin phone calls.

thay wuz also a group of gurls in my biology class n mayhap thay wuz my best fun far as women is concerned. we wood flirt lack crazy durin labs. thay wuz five of em n i wuz the lucky guy thay lacked to tease, so they wood ast me wood i look in thar microscope only they woodnt hardly move out of the way n theyd be rubbin up agin me n makin comments on bilogickal reackshuns. n i teased em rite back but never had no intrest in a'gittin to know em inny better n they dint have no more intrest in a'gittin to know me far as i could tell, so we jes had us sum plane ole fun.

mayhap mos confusin of all wuz the case of susannah bilder, witch we went thru ever one of them rules n then cum back fer more a year later. she wuz a injuneer out at k25 n i met her one day when i noticed that seemed lack ever woman i knew had cum up to meet me. i hadnt gone after hardly a one. n in this case, i had dun larnt not to ack lack i wuz intrested whenever i saw susannah a'sittin in the cafeteria all alone. i went over n ast could i sit thar, n that led to our bein friends who met fer lunch. deirdre lacked to tease me bout her bein my next wife, but twernt nuthin but lunch fer the longest.

fack is, i dint have no intrest in susannah a tall. fer one, she wuz jewish n looked it n i hadnt never seen the beauty of that kind of woman befor. so i thought her hair wuz too frizzy n her nose to big n besides that, she had a lazy eye n sumtimes she wuz walleyed n sumtimes crosseyed but almost never straight on. n fer all them reasons, i dint have no intrest, really dint.

corse, that mint she could be intrested in me, n one day she saw me a'talkin to hindu, a black guy who wurked in food service, n she could tell me n him wuz talkin bout sumthin we shouldnt a been a'doin, witch we wuz a'goin in tughether on a quarter pound of theevil weed to keep the price down. n she herd whutever twuz she herd n purty soon she wondered why i woodnt show her round town n take her to see the atomic energy museum, n i fell fer it. turnt out she had dun conclooded i wuz a outlaw frum the conversayshun i had with hindu.

so i picked her up on a saturdy mornin n we went to the museum n then over to knoxvul fer lunch n then to a movie n then to dinner n then to play sum tennis n then over to her place whar i stayed the nite. n rite thar ye had the followin proofs:

fer rule #1, ifn ye treat em real nice, theys a'gone do thar best to git away frum ye, witch i treated her nice the next day, n we dint have a nuther date fer over a year.

fer rule #2, women luv outlaws, witch she thought i wuz a outlaw but she wuz rong n soons she figgered it out, she dint find me near as intrestin.

fer rule #3, a woman is attracted to a man who aint intrested, speshly if he treats her bad, witch i wuznt intrested a tall on a counta she dint seem all that purty to me till i dint have her no more, witch that wuz the verr next day.

fer rule #4, ye cant fake bein unintrested, witch she tuck up with a handsum but cold-hearted fella the next week or so, n suddenly i wonted her back but couldnt do nuthin but ack lack i dint care but i did n she could tell it sum kinda way.

fer rule #5, the sex ye wont most is the sex ye never git, witch the odd thang wuz whenever we wuz havin sex that furst time, dint seem lack i wuz all that intrested n wonted to stop ceptn i dint wont her to thank i dint find her attractive, ceptn i dint at that time, but fack wuz she had a verr sexy bidy n way about her n once i dint have her no more, seem lack i couldnt hardly git that one long nite of sex offn my mind n thay wuznt hardly nuthin i wonted more

fer rule #6, the sex ye git never seems as good as the sex ye wont but cant git but in fack tiz better on a counta yer a'gittin it, witch i prooved this on a counta i dint lack the sex we wuz a havin whenever we wuz a havin it, but as soon as we werent, i wisht we wuz, n by that i could see twuz better to have it than not ceptn that wuz hard to tell when ye did have it.

no doubt thays other rules n mayhap thay wurks bettern these, but i gut a lifetime's evidents bout these'uns wurkin purt much evertime.

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