pinions of buddy don:
willpower n sickness

ever mornin i get up, generly around 3:30 am on a counta i cant hardly sleep till 4 no matter whut i try, n i have one idee in mind, witch i always plan to rite a nuther chaptur on the novel ima wurkin on, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly. i keep a copy as a wurd document sos i kin tell how minny manuscript pages its gut n i reckon i should feel purty good bout gittin it up to app. 770 manuscript pages or app. 230,000 wurds. the hole plot wood take it till i gut to mayhap 2,000 pages n 700,000 wurds.

so i shouldnt feel too bad when i wake up sick n tired n jes plum outta inny energy fer ritin. i know that ifn i had the willpower to push harder, mayhap i wood rite innyway, but seems that whenever yer sick, tiz hard to cunvints yerself to have willpower over innythang.

so twuz today. i have the nex chaptur purty well wurked out in my mind n ye mite wood thank twood be nuthin to doot, but seems lack tiz a mountain ye half to climb everday. why dont it git no easier?

so looks lack i should make it thru today n have the weekend to recover frum whuts ailin me n then git back to a nuther hard week of wurk, witch tiz never lessn 55 hours thar n sumtimes more dependin on whut hotfixes microsoft dun released or whuther a new wurm has made it into our enviromint or whutnot. so ima hopin we dont git nun of that nex week.

i wish i could promiss all three of my readers how i wood rite sumthin tomorrow, but thays a nuther problem thar, witch seems lack whenever i have plenty of time to rite, lack on a saturdy, i jes dont git a round tuit, but when i only have the hour or two in the mornin befor wurk, its use it or lose it. so i use it lack as not.

this willpower stuff is hard on a counta ye dont never really git no momentum goin. in sted, ye gut to git started brand new ever sangle day.

readin of buddy don:
whut me n emily wuz readin in 1980

a typicull day durin the time me n emily spent in west germany wood include a lot of readin. in fack, jes after brakefuss, we wood wait fer the mail to cum, witch that give us a cuple of hours to read, n lack as not, we wood lack whut we wuz readin so much that we mite never git out the door ceptn to go buy vittles at that buy palace. yer gonna note rite away how twuz mostly novels we wuz readin, not flossofy or histry. we read severul of them out loud to each other, witch tiz a practiss i recommend fer innybidy that luvs grate books n luvs to share em with thar significunt other. heres a list, witch these is the ones i read n i reckon emily read most of em n a lot more besides on a counta she was the fastest reader i ever met:

• The Moving Target by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Drowning Pool by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Way Some People Die by Ross MacDonald
  
• Find a Victim by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Barbarous Coast by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Galton Case by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Chill by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Far Side of the Dollar by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Goodbye Look by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Underground Man by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Blue Hammer by Ross MacDonald
  
• The Murder of Roger Ackeroyd by Agatha Christie
  
• The Mystery of the Blue Train by Agatha Christie
  
• The Murder at the Vicarage by Agatha Christie
  
• Peril at End House by Agatha Christie
  
• Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie
  
• The A.B.C. Murders by Agatha Christie
  
• Murder in Mesopotamia by Agatha Christie
  
• Dumb Witness by Agatha Christie
  
• And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie
  
• One, Two, Buckle My Shoe by Agatha Christie
  
• The Body in the Library by Agatha Christie
  
• The Moving Finger by Agatha Christie
  
• They Do It with Mirrors by Agatha Christie
  
• A Pocket Full of Rye by Agatha Christie
  
• Dead Man's Folly by Agatha Christie
  
• Cat Among the Pigeons by Agatha Christie
  
• The Pale Horse by Agatha Christie
  
• The Mirror Crack'd from Side to Side by Agatha Christie
  
• Third Girl by Agatha Christie
  
• By the Pricking of My Thumbs by Agatha Christie
  
• Elephants Can Remember by Agatha Christie
  
• Roderick Random by Tobias Smollett
  
• Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett
  
• The World According to Garp by John Irving
  
• Darkness at Noon by Arthur Koestler
  
• The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough
  
• Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
  
• The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Stern
  
• The History of Tom Jones, Foundling by Henry Fielding
  
• Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
  
• Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
  
• Das Glasperlenspiel by Hermann Hesse
  
• Phaedrus by Plato
  
• Under Western Eyes by Joseph Conrad
  
• Lord Jim by Joseph Conrad
  
• Typhoon by Joseph Conrad
  
• Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray
  
• Innocents Abroad by Mark Twain
  
• A Tramp Abroad by Mark Twain

pinions of buddy don:
sick, but not that sick

last nite it cummenced a'snowin around 7 pm n did its best to snow all nite long. corse, this bein the grate northeast, folks wuz out a'scrapin the white stuff offn the roads furst thang this mornin, witch that means the bus is lackly to run n take me to wurk. twood be a blessin ifn wall street wuz to close on such snow days, but that could be problematick in the long run if tiz true that more snow n bad weather is lackly to cum as the polar ice caps keep on a'meltin.

innywho, that lil tickle in my throat has turnt into a lil pain in my ear, the kinda symptums that means my bidy wonts to have a cold, but i cant be off frum wurk at the moment. fer one thang, my boss is off nex week n that means i have to take care of thangs he normally gits, witch thatll mean gittin reddy to handle the thangs on his plate. fer a nuther, tiz a real busy time on wall street.

speakin of wall street, i been wurkin thar [here] fer the past 16 years, n heres sumthin i have noticed bout bankers. when times is bad, meanin thay aint hardly no wurk fer yer investment bankers, them bankers gits rite chatty n friendly, but they kin turn vicious in a instunt. when the economy gits on the mend, they git happy but too busy fer ye. ifn thangs keep heatin up, we should be seein yer cranky bankers: thems bankers that knows they couldnt possibly make all the money thays out thar to be made even ifn they could double thar staffs n wurk without sleepin.

at the moment thangs is heddin fer the cranky banker, but thays one thang differnt bout thangs makin them bankers cranky this time. whenever they wuz gittin cranky back in 87 or mosly frum 93 till 2000, they wuz as cranky as they could be, but ye had one thang goin fer ye: ifn ye gut fed up with them bankers, ye could always git a nuther job. thay wood be hed hunters a'callin ye up, astin ifn ye wuznt reddy to make a change.

nowadays, the hedhunters are callin to ast do ye need innybidy? n the resumes that cum in chasin yer basick administrative assistunt jobs has got years of eggsperients n sumtimes post-graduwait degrees. tiz a verr ruff job market.

n thats a nuther reason i cant stay home even ifn i am feelin sick. im lucky a nuff to have whut they call a 'client facing' job, meanin tiz the kinda job ye cant do frum india or the philippines or china. but that dont mean thay aint a slew of folks with grate resumes a'chasin my job. so i slept too late to rite a nuther chaptur on that novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly, hopin the exter sleep kin hep me keep frum gittin too sick. or ifn i kin jes hold it off till the weekend, mayhap i kin be sick then.

tiz a ruff worl n i have to remind myself ever day how im one of the lucky ones that gits to go to wurk, even when im sick, but not that sick.

life of buddy don, chaptur 103:
the far see apparatus

whenever me n emily gut back frum our new years in berlin, we found a slew of cards n letters frum tennessee, most of em with a lil money tucked inside: $50 frum mama, $100 frum daddy, $200 frum her mama, $25 frum her nanny, $10 frum her grandmother, $40 frum her daddy pete smith. thay wuz probly more that im fergittin. ye kin magine how we wuz feelin rich n furst thang i sed to emily wuz did she wonta git us a tv. ye couldnt have sed nuthin that wood make her inny happier.

so we looked up the wurd fer tv n found twuz called a fernsehapparat, witch wurd fer wurd that means far see apparatus. that lil black n white box changed our life in lots of ways. fer one thang, we gut purty good at unnerstandin news in german. ever night we wood wait fer that fernsehansager, witch that means far see talker wurd fer wurd by means announcer jes the same, to say, 'Meine Damen und Herrn -- wir bringen Nachtrichten!' we hadnt been that innerested in the news much back home, but twuz a differnt story here. we had always herd bout how we had a free press n everwhar else they had sum kinda censorship, so twuz quite a sprize to real eyes how in amurka ye mite have plenty of free press folks but they wuz all sayin the same thangs. now we were in a place whar they wuz real serious bout thangs n wonted to git moren jes two sides fer ever issue.

purty soon that far see apparatus wuz makin plans fer us, lettin us know bout blitzreisen, witch we had seen ads fer them quick trips but dint never unnerstan em all that well till we saw a speshul on em on tv. we ended up takin a few, one to amsterdam, one to paris, one to london, n one to rome, witch i plan to tell bout sum of them by n by.

them germans had em a cuple idees bout tv that i wished we wood use in amurka. fer one, they dint lack interuptin thar programs fer the cummershuls, so they held em all fer the end of the show. then to git ye to watch em, they had differnt rules than we wuz used to. fer one thang, they wuznt so upset by the look of a womans breast n dint thank twood be so awful ifn folks could see em on tv. so thay wuz plenty of em to see, only ye had to watch keerful n the mane place to see em wuz in them cummershuls. fer instunts, they mite be trine to git ye to buy deeoderunt, so they wood show ye a woman wearin the skimpiest lil bikini bottom ye ever saw n no top. fer sum reason, she wood be jumpin in the waves at sum vacayshun spot that they dint have nowhar in west germany on a counta how they dint have no sunny beaches. or ifn in a drama a woman woke up in bed n wuznt wearin pee jays, she woodnt walk roun holdin her blanket in frunt of her. she wood jes git up, lack folks duz in real life.

nuther thang they dun wuz they dint even have nuthin on till bout 4 in the afternoon, witch that seemed lack a purty good idee to me, but i wuznt no big fan of tv. but lease that kep us frum wontin to sit in that lil apartment all day doin nuthin but watchin tv. in sted, we mite sit thar jes readin or sumthin, witch nobidy never luved readin bettern emily. we wood even read thangs out loud to each other, fer instunts Gone with the Wind, The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman and The History of Tom Jones, a foundling. we laffed so hard we needed a breather with them last two, n ifn ye lack laffin out loud, i strongly recommend ye git copies n read em. ifn ye gut sumbidy that luvs ye -- or luvs readin -- that much, read em out loud. i reckon we woodnt have read nuthin out loud to each other ifn that tv wuz showin programs all day long. we probly wooda sat n watched.

twuz on that thar far see apparatus that we furst larnt bout that musickul group call police n thatn called talking heads on a counta they had em on tv. thang wuz, we caught the police show in the middle n thar wuznt no way to tell who twuz nor nuthin. they dint have no talkers to splain to ye whut ye wuz seein, no lil wurds on the bottom of the screen neethur. so we dint know who twuz, but we lacked thar musick purty good, speshly that song name of roxanne. we couldnt hardly tell whut wuz a'goin on with that band called talking heads, but we wood see thar albums bein sold all over the place, witch we never had us no record player while we wuz thar.

now it mite seem lack emily wuznt even trine to quit smokin, but twernt the case. after i give up bein the person to say no to her n tole her we wuznt a'gone play thatn no more, she gut to whar she wonted to quit, mayhap to proov sumthin to me, mayhap to proov it to herself.

so twuz that without no smoke in that lil box of a home, we wuz able to git thru my birthday deepreshun, witch i wuz deepressed on a counta i wuz 28 n fer sum reason i figgerd i hadnt dun nuthin with my life. problem wuz, no matter how i tride, i jes couldnt git a nuther novel a'goin. in sted, i rote a lot of verr borin stuff bout whuther twuz honest to use the thurd person omnishunt ifn ye aint never been omnishunt or whuther ye had to rite everthang in furst person or whuther ye had to have some kinda splainayshun bout how the verr book cum to be, witch i had ansers fer that in crap notes on a counta how twuz the notes gregory gurley made while he wuz takin his daily dump. thang wuz, i wuz jes larnin that i wood eethur be wurkin on sumthin new or feelin deepressed. i jes never really gut it till i wuz 28.

innywho, i figger emily mite coulda kicked her habit ifn it hadnt been fer frieda. lack ever german we met, frieda lacked to smoke a lot. when she wonted to have a treat fer herself, she wood git sum marlboro cigarettes, witch twuz amazin to us how it seemed lack them germans broke all cigarettes down into jes a few categories: (1) marlboro, (2) mos everthang else, ceptn (3) speshulty brands frum turkey or france or morocco or sumwhar eggzotick. so whenever frieda wood cum over fer dinner n talk n maybe a lil tv, she wood be smokin n twuz moren emily could resist.

so she cum to thank she could quit smokin ceptn whenever she wuz wurkin on her masters thesis or ritin. i mentchuned she mite swell include whenever she wuz with frieda n she add mitted it. thang wuz, she n frieda wuz takin lots of the same classes n gut to be such fast friens that ye dint hardly see one without tuthern ceptn at nite whenever twuz jes the two of us.

corse, frieda wuz wurth the eggschange of emily not bein able to quit on a counta twuz frieda n her sister erika who showed us moren we ever wooda seen of frankfurt am main n other places too. she wood ast, 'Haben Sie lust ins Kino zu gehen?' witch that meant did we wonta see a movie n she wood take us to see it. she had her a boyfriend name of herr krugel, witch he wuz a lil stiffern she wuz n dint thank we wuz good a nuff friends to use his furst name. ye had a lot of that overn west germany, so it dint seem too odd. but he treated her bad so we dint lack him much, n whenever she ast emily bout it, emily splained how she woodnt never put up with sumbidy treatin her thataway, witch when we wuz out, he wood ack lack the gurls shouldnt never open thar mouths on a counta nuthin they had to say seemed wurth hearin to him.

the good thang bout whut emily wuz trine with her smokin wuz how it gut her to rite a cumplete story, witch twuz the furst time she had ever dun that. twuz also the lastn on a counta by then she n frieda wuz purty much smokin together as much as they had ever dun alone so she dint need to be ritin to justify smokin. i hate to add mitt how i figgerd that prooved she dint really wonta be a riter but only wonted to git her a eggscuse to smoke.

corse, tv wuznt our only source of news. tuther thang we lacked a lot wuz the internashunul herald tribune, witch twuz a newspaper made frum the new york times n the washington post n it cum out five days a week. the one that cum out on fridy wuz the one we bought on a counta they cost dm1 n we couldnt afford to git one everday. thatn we wood git on fridy wuz fer the weekend n we wood parse it out as keerful as we could to make it last.

fer instunts, it had a big crosswurd puzzle. we wood save that till sundy on a counta how thay wuznt nuthin open even half a day on sundys n thay wuznt no mail, so twuz the hardes day fer us to git thru. we wood sumtimes splurge on a pack of them pringles n she wood take the across n me the downs or vice-versa n we wood split them pringles eggzackly in half, witch i wood eat mine rite away n she wood try to save hers till she could bargin with me usin em. generly by then we wuz watchin that far see apparatus, the news at lease n sumtimes whutever show they had on after.

i member one sundy nite sittin thar watchin sum show bout a avalanche, witch mane thang i member wuz the beeyootiful woman who had long stretches whar she wuznt wearin much of nuthin. i had roasted a chicken n then turnt the leftovers into soup with rice, n twuz a big hit with bofus, speshly when ye put lil chunks of roggenbrot in it. we had the couch folded out into a bed n she wuz leanin back agin the wall, smokin n pullin on her hair n drankin her sum coca cola, witch thats whut she dun in sted of drankin ice tea. outside twuz bitter cold n the nex day i wuz spozed to read my referat to the class. the verr thought put a lil jolt of fear into my stumach. but fer that mint i wuz pulled back frum the scene, almos lack i had my own far see apparatus, n it seemed to me that despite all the truble we wuz havin gittin by in west germany, we wuz warm n well-fed n safe n happy in our lil home. i couldnt see far a nuff, tho, or i wooda known by then that such moments is about the best thang ye git frum life.

life of buddy don, chaptur 102:
new years in a divided city

bein as how me n emily dint hardly have nobidy else to talk to ceptn fer frieda n her sister erika, we dint have but each other to argue with, so thats whut we dun whenever we needed to fuss n fite with sumbidy. we could find mos innythang to fite about, but we had a few natcherul thangs built rite in. furst n foremost wuz smokin, witch she had dun quote quit unquote three times by the time we gut to germany: (1) whenever she gut the news i had asthma, she deecided she wuz a'gone quit n fer the furst servrul days of us knowin each other, she dint smoke, but it dint last a week; (2) whenever i ast her to git marrd, she quit agin, only this time she made it near 10 days till we went back to looseburg n her mama give her a carton, witch it seemed lack a waste not to smoke em, so she deecided she wood quit as a weddin gift to me, witch that dint last past her furst day in west germany on a counta twuz verr stressful; and (3) rite after we larnt how cigarettes cost so much more in west germany than they did in the states, she deecided she really wuz a'gone quit.

that last time she tride to quit, it gut us into one of the wurst fites ever on a counta how i fell fer this: she sed she wood be able to quit but wood need my hep to keep her frum backslidin. that meant she wonted me to keep her frum smokin no matter whut. so we agreed to start thatn as quick as she ran out of her current bag of tubacka, witch that tuck near a week. but finely, she wuz dun n since twuz a fridy n we wuz dun with inny skoolin we had to wurry bout that week, i deecided to clean up the place, witch that meant to clear out all the cloze frum the floor n chase the cockroaches back to thar holes in the walls by sprayin sum bugkiller at em n wash down the kuhlschrank n bathroom n sweep n mop the floor. i give her the cloze on a counta she wuz the eggspurt in washin cloze n dint wont me to mess em up, witch i felt the same way bout cookin as she did bout washin cloze.

i tuck all the loose butts that wuz lef over n put em in a bag n tuck that n all the res of the garbage out to the dumpster, witch i also opened the winder wide fer sum frische luft n while twuz open, i clumb out n put away all the garbage. i figgerd i wood make pizza fer lunch, so once i gut dun with the cleanin, i walked down to the buy palace n bought whut i needed, witch twuz sum cheeses n salami n onion n tomater sauce. i had brought the big tute, witch thats the cloth bag we finely bought to keep frum havin to pay fer plastick bags evertime we went to the store, so i figgerd i mite swell stock up on sum more spaten pils n plan a big evenin.

emily wuz thar whenever i gut home, n rite away i knew sumthin wuz a'goin on. thays jes a certain eggspreshun a person gits on thar face whenever thar up to sumthin they dont wont ye to know bout. emily wuz wearin that verr eggspresshyun, so i ast her whut she had been a'doin n she sed she had been a'washin the cloze. i sed i knew she had dun that, but whut wuz she a'doin whenever i cum in.

finely it cum out how she had dun been lookin everwhar in the hole house fer jes one leftover butt. i splained how i had dun cleaned everthang up, witch twooda been obveeus only she had dun started shuckin her cloze the instunt she got in the door n alreddy the floor wuz gittin coverd up tween her dirty cloze n the basket of cleans that wuz sittin in the middle of the room. she ast whut had i dun with the butts n i splained how i had gut rid of em fer good. nex thang ye know, shes trine to open up the winder n i splain how i dun had it open till it got rite cold in thar, but i had made shore we gut our frische luft. turnt out she wonted it open fer a nuther reason, n quick as i shut it n went to the bathroom, i could hear the creak of the handle ye use to open it.

i cum out jes in time to see her climbin out that winder, so i tuck my keys jes in case n follerd rite behind her. i ran to pass her on her way to the dumpster n then twuz a physicull fite with her trine to climb into the dumpster n me trine to hold her out. i kep remindin her how she had made me promiss not to let her smoke no more n she add mitted it but sed she wuz rong. i reminded her how she had sed not to listen to her no matter whut she sed n that lef her with nuthin to say.

so we turnt to go back in. we gut to the winder n i bent down to offer her a boost to git back in, but quick as i wuz down on my knee, she turnt n run n vaulted herself rite into the dumpster. i went over n saw her lookin thru the trash to find witchever bag had the butts, so i splained witchn twuz n sed i woodnt never hep her quit agin. i tole her i druther buy her sum new n i ast her to make shore not to lite a butt while she wuz still a'sittin in the dumpster, witch that made her maddern innythang i had yet sed on a counta did i thank she wuz jes stupid? i looked down at her in that dumpster n thang wuz, i dint thank she could git out by herself, so i compounded my miss take by sayin i dint thank twuz too smart the way she gut herself into a dumpster she couldnt git out of. but ifn she wuz mad bout me acktin lack she wuz stupid, i wood ignore it n did she wont 'bugler' whenever i went to git sum more tubacka n she sed she did.

so i lef to git it n she gut to hollerin bout she couldnt git out, witch i had dun noted n i lef her thar. thay wuz a kiosk rite outside or place, n ifn i hadnt been so mad, i wooda bought her tubacka thar, but it cost more so i figgerd she wood unnerstand if i had to walk round the corner over to leipziger strasse n then down to the buy palace, witch that took a lot longer on a counta thay wuz long lines by then.

it musta tuck near an hour befor i gut back, n furst thang i dun wuz open that winder back up n went out to check on her. she wuz sittin coverd in paper on a counta twuz cold. she had found her a good strang of butts n a cuple german magazines sumbidy had throwd out, so thar she wuz, smokin n reedin lack twuz the mos natcherul thang she coulda been doin. i ast her did she wonta cum out yet n she did, so i jumped in to whar i could give her a boost n then clumb out my ownself.

after that thay wuznt no more quittin episodes n i could always git her goat by mentchunin that dumpster n whut a addick will do fer a high. shows how much more addicktive cigarettes is than theevil weed on a counta she wuz havin symptoms frum not smokin n mane thang givin up theevil weed had dun fer me wuz make it so i dreamed a lot more. but she had shakes n pains n jes couldnt stand bein without her tubacka.

one thang that  meant wuz how i gut sick a lot more, n rite near christmus i gut sickern i had been the hole trip, not countin the hernia as bein sick. she wonted to go to berlin fer the holidays on a counta how she wonted to see as much of west germany as she could n even go thru checkpoint charley ifn they wood let amurkins gp thru sos she could git a look at tuther side. that meant she wuz mad at me fer bein sick. why? cause sumbidy had to go to the Reisebüro n order the tickets fer the trip. twuznt a'gonna be her neethur on a counta how she hated havin to speak german in the furst place n even more ifn twuz with innybidy wurkin in a offus.

meanwhile, i wuz havin a nuther sinus infeckshun n it jes gut wurse till my temperchur wuz up over 103 n even she wuz gittin wurried, lease a nuff to cunsidder how maybe we oughta try out our new west german student insurants, witch we dun n the hole trip cost us jes dm11, dm10 fer the docter, n 50 pfennigs each fer the two kinds a medicine she perscribed fer me, one of em penicillin, tuthern sum kinda stuff to make it so my sinuses wood run lack crazy. i had dun tole her i woodnt take no antihistimeans n she agreed they wuznt verr good ifn i wonted to git well, witch thats why she give me that medicine to make thangs run.

that penicillin gut me on the mend rite away, but i dint git well in time to plan no trip to berlin fer christmus n twuz a verr lonely christmus eve. i tride makin a pot roast n sumthin nice, but thays only so much ye kin do without havin a ackshul oven.

but the nex day we visited with sum folks that wuz wurkin at amana. they wuz friens of friens of pete smith n he ast us to call, so we did. they had em a huge, verr nice place with a exter bedroom that wuz biggern our hole apartment. they made em sum turkey with all the trimmins ye speck n twuz almos lack bein back in amurka. they insisted we call home on thar nickel n i wuz lucky a nuff to catch my hole fambly at the christmus dinner, witch they wuz makin a recordin to send me n that phone call ended up bein rite on that thar recordin. turnt out them rich folks wuz lonely fer amurkins, so they gut us to stay the nite n spend mos of the nex day with em.

mayhap the mos amazin thang bout that visit wuz how they showed us sumthin called hi definishun tv, witch twuz so clear n purty that twuz almos lack lookin thru a winder at folks. they wuz trine to splain how ifn we wood jes agree in amurka, we could have high definishun tv too. tv wuznt sumthin hi on my list, but ye could see twuz killin emily to have to be without one n she wooda enjoyed that tv they had ceptn thay wuznt nuthin on wurth watchin.

but i could see how much she lacked even whut lil they did have, so i promissed we wood git one as quick as we gut back frum berlin, witch by the time i wuz well a nuff fer us to visit them amurkins, i wuz well a nuff to go to the reisebüro whenever they opened after christmus n git everthang arranged fer us to take a trip to berlin.

twuz quite a trip. fer one thang, it seemed lack a big add ventchur jes to travel thru east germany. we dint know whut to eggspeck. wood they have a problem with amurkins travelin thru? we wuz afraid they mite, but even tho as quick as we gut to the border twixt west germany n east germany, sum soljers cum on the train with machine guns, twuz jes a lil scary n they dint barely even look at our passports.

berlin wuz a verr differnt place frum frankfurt n twuz lucky we wood git to cum back soon a nuff. we dint have hardly no time durin that trip, tho we did git to checkpoint charley n make our way over to east berlin. we noticed a few thangs rite away: (1) they lacked to talk bout havin full employment in east germany n ye could see why rite thar at checkpoint charley on a counta they must had em a hole battalyun of troops, bof men n women, sittin roun in thar uniforms a'doin nuthin but bein thar in case truble wuz to brake out; (2) thay wuznt no ads fer nuthin in east germany so twuz hard to tell whut wuz fer sale at differnt places; (3) they wuz still usin coal to heat, so everthang smelt lack it did back at grandies up in morgan county tennessee n all the buildins wuz brown with gray or black smudges; (4) the coins wuz made out of aluminum n felt jes lack play money; (5) it looked almos lack the cars wuz made out of cardboard n they sood shake fer a bit whenever they cum to a stop sine; (6) the churches had eethur been lef burnt out or cunverted to museums n such; (7) the only brand new thangs bout the place wuz the statues of soljers n the mane message them statues had wuz how twuz the soviets that beat the german, witch ye woodnt speck them germans to be so proud of that till they wood allow them soviets announce it rite out lack that, but thay wuznt nuthin else could they do; and (8) ye couldnt find hardly no books to buy, n thonly books ye could find frum the west wuz by jack london, bertolt brecht n mark twain.

we et while we wuz thar, n that wuz a disappointment on a counta they dint have hardly nuthin listed on the menu. we had to order three times befor we struck sumthin that wuz bof on the menu n in the kitchen. twuz as sad n pore a place as ever we had been in. even the porest east tennessee hillbilly livin in a tar paper shack could put on a better feed n smile to boot.

twuz the new year, so that evenin, we deecided we wood git out n see how folks celebrated. west berlin wuz lack a war zone with firewurks a'goin off everwhar. kids wuz hangin out of winders n shootin bottle rockets at folks down below, only twuz hard to aim em, lucky fer us. but the contrast twixt them two cities was grate n obveeus: one side twuz lites n eggsploshuns n folks drankin n laffin n carryin on. tuther side wuz dark n quite as a graveyard. ye could tell whar ye wuz by lookin fer the dark spot, n that wood be the east side.

while we wuz walkin round dodgin the bottle rockets, we met a fella frum australia. we went out with him to this italian restrunt n orderd sum pizza. they had pepperoni pizza listed n i figgerd since twuz a real italian place, mayhap the pepperoni wood be the lil sausages i memberd frum the states, but twuznt so. in sted, i gut a pizza coverd with peppers, witch they turnt out to be rite tasty even ifn twuz a big disappointment whenever they furst brung it out. i dont member the name of our australian cumpanyun, but he gut us to order a fosters beer, witch i hadnt never known bout them befor that. emily gut one too n by time we wuz dun with that, we wuz reelin n barely able to walk. but our australian friend insisted, so we went out with him n follerd him down unter den linden to friedrichs strasse n finely back to the house of youngns whar we wuz a stayin.

twuz nice walkin round with that australian on a counta how he seemed to see the worl more lack we did, witch he dint thank the united states wuz the big evil in the worl n that he figgerd we wood leave everbidy alone once the soviets quit the cold war. he figgerd them soviets couldnt keep thangs a'goin much longer on a counta the east wuz near bankrupt alreddy, only we dint have no way to judge that. twuz a fack that ever german ye met figgerd thay wuznt no way the rest of the world wood let em git back together n be jes one germany, witch we dint figger that wood happen neethur. sum thangs wuz meant to wurk better divided, or so it seemed to us.

round midnite, we tuck one las walk n watched them firewurks really git agoin. over to the east twuz dark, but i could see the sparkles of them firewurks reflectin in emilys eyes, n i kissed her to celebrate the new year. twuz one of them moments when ye fergit yer cares n woes. twuz a new year n innythang wuz possibull, even in a divided city.

life of buddy don, chaptur 101:
wakin up frum that strange amurkin dream

ifn ye ever smoked much of theevil weed n then quit, then ye probly noticed whut i eggsperientsed whenever me n emily moved over to frankfurt am main, west germany. las thang i wonted wuz sum kinda midnight eggspress add ventchur, so i dint even see could ye git inny over thar. turnt out ye could, but i still dint wonta risk it. point is, that meant i quit cold turkey the day i gut on the airplane to fly over. n that meant i started dreamin lack crazy.

dreams kin be torcherus thangs n mine wuz no differnt. i member one that had darlene in it whar virgil n i snuck into the plant out at carbide whar she wuz a'wurkin n i went into her offus n twuz lack she wuz eggpecktin me n nex thang ye know we wuz a'lyin in a big grassy field watchin the clouds. she wuz talkin bout how nice it felt bein thar with me n i wuz a'thankin how twood hurt her whenever i tole her bout me n emily bein marrd n how i wonted her to feel that hurt, but no matter how i tride, i jes couldnt find the wurds to brake into whut she wuz a'sayin. twuz as if i dint know the langwage. i woke up befor i could say innythang n i felt such frustrayshun at not bein able to say nuthin that i jumped n that woke emily.

as i walked to skool, i couldnt hep but wunder why yer subconshus or whutever tiz that makes ye dream, why wood it do ye thataway? i dint wont nuthin to do with darlene n dint wonta git no kinda revenge, so why wood i dream lack that n wake up frustrated that i couldnt say hurtful wurds? seemed lack quite a mystry. twuz the furst mundy in november that i had that dream n i member that on a counta whut happend later in the day at that dialectickull materialisum class.

as ye mite magine, whenever i gut started in skool over thar, they had set up sum activities fer the forn students whar they wood throw us all into a hat, so to speak, n see did we make friens. one of the furst thangs they dun wuz have this dinner fer us, with twuz at lunch time, n i met two fellas frum yugoslavia thar, one of em name of branimir n tuthern name of radmilo, witch thang bout them two is how they wuz frum the same cuntry, but they wuz as contrary as could be. branimir wuz frum the town of zagreb, witch he sed that made him a croat, witch ye say thatn 'crow-ott.' he wore blue jeans n boots n a leather jacket n he smoked marlboros. radmilo wore sum kinda uniform all the time n he wuz as strate as a bidy could git.

we had bofem over to eat on differnt occayshuns. radmilo wuz furst n pore thang, ye never met a stiffer fella. ever wurd wuz spoke keerful. he couldnt talk no english n he wuznt verr good at german, but ye kin always communicate ifn ye try. so we tempted to talk bout various thangs, but wuznt nuthin we had in common, not a book nor a movie nor music nor nuthin. he jes couldnt talk bout certain subjecks tho ye could see how he wuz curious, speshly bout the beatles, but when he sed he dint know nuthin bout em n dint need to know, whut could we say? thang wuz, after we had et n drunk us a lil beer, he gut relaxed jes a wee dab to whar ye could see he mite could turn into sumbidy innerestin. he wuz acktin so tuff n brave, but he jes wuznt. he wuz young n timid n scaird to deth of thangs. n he hated us fer noticin.

thangs wuz way differnt with branimir. he wuz a novelist n he splained how in his cuntry thangs wuznt lack folks thought. fer one thang, everbidy ackted lack they wuz a nayshun name of yugoslavia but twernt a nayshun a tall but a random divishun of a few nayshuns. n he splained how yugoslavias central gummint mite seem lack it had everthang under cuntrol, but jes beneath the surfus, he sed, thangs wuz happenin. corse we dint know much bout whut wuz a'goin on thar n whenever we add mitted it fer the furst time, branimir laffed n splained how murkins cum over to europe n ack lack wuznt nuthin goin on till they gut thar. n ever amurkin he had ever met had lived life lack twuz sum kinda dream about thar ownself.

that wuz the furst time we hurd sumbidy talk strate out bout us as dumb amurkins n we shoulda been reddy fer it, but we wuznt n it stung. but ye couldnt stay mad at branimir. he wuz a educayshun in how to live.

fer instunts, he splained how he had writ severul novels when he wuz a lil yunger n whenever he tried to git one of the later ones published, he had to send it off to the censors to read. he sed they wuz a big offishul name fer them censors, sumthin lack department of state information security department or sum such but twernt wurth puttin into his mouth since they wuznt nuthin but censors. they sent the book back n woodnt let him publish it. he splained how sum of his earlier novels had dun made it past the censors on a counta he had used irony n them censors wuz all blind toot, but by the time he had his new book, they had herd bout irony n rejeckted it jes in case they wuz inny in it. so branimir tuck out sum ads in the newspapers announcin his own funeral. he knew the jurnalism biz in a cynicull way so he had made up a lil press release splainin whut a loss twuz to the nayshun not to have this promissing yung novelis with em innymore. shore a nuff, the story grew legs n gut tuck up in a wire in the west n nex thang ye know, twuz a topick in the nayshunal press of yugoslavia. n thats when he called a jurnalist to protest bout how he wuznt ded a tall n that he could proov it. corse, twuz a huge sensayshun till it give im a chants to mentchun how he had writ a new novel. them censors couldnt do nuthin but let it git by too.

me n emily went with branimir to see bertholt brechts play name of die drei groschen oper one time, witch thats 'the three penny opry' in english. durin the innermishun thay wuz sum of em communist protesters n they gut up on the stage in tuck thar places in the jail cells on a counta twuz a scene with jail cells in it. then they gut to carryin on bout west germany bein a morderstadt or sumthin lack that. branimir wuz disgusted n he stood up n started yellin back at the students. he tole em how in his land dint nobidy have the freedum to protest nuthin n here they did n they oughta be thankful. one of em hollerd out whut wuz his land n he said he wuz frum croatia n pounded his fist into the air. then he sat down agin n turnt to me n emily n sed, cockin his head at the stage, 'babies.' then he splained how them babies wuz a'gonna be the verr thang they wuz claimin they hate whenever they grew up.

branimir splained how radmilo wuz really frum a differnt cuntry furm his. radmilo wuz frum belgrade, witch thats in a place name of serbia on a counta tiz full of serbs. as fer branimir, he wuz a croat frum croatia, witch he splained how sumday whenever the soviet union fell, his cuntry wood git independents frum so called yugoslavia n then he woodnt be in the same cuntry as radmilo. ye could tell he dint thank much of the serbs n he figgerd radmilo wuz a purrfeck eggzample of whut wuz wrong with em on a counta had we ever seen such a conformist? he claimed they dint have no courage n that made em weak n cruel.

hearin branimir talk bout the worl wuz jes part of the educayshun we wuz a'gittin in how folks sees thangs. we gut to here a lot more bout whut folks wuz thankin bout amurka. one time i wuz on the way over to one of them dinners n i run into this fella frum greece, witch i cant member ifn i ever gut to know him by name. we talked a lil on the walk over, long a nuff fer him to ast wuz i frum amurka n soons i add mitted it, he switched to talkin english, witch twuz one of the thangs folks dun fer two reasons: (1) they dont thank the average amurkin is smart a nuff to really larn sumbidy elses lingo n (2) they wonta practiss thar english. innywho, furst thang he sed wuz, 'you come from baby country.' i wuz a lil sprized, speshly how it stung me fer sum reason, so ast whut he meant n he splained how we wuznt but a lil over 200 years old. he sed how amurkins all thank theys so powerful n all, but tiz early in thar histry. he gut onto the topick of greece n how twuz 2,500 years old n had been the world empire at one time, but they had outgrown thar need fer imperialism.

i mite wooda wonted to talk to him bout greek cultchur, but he dint seem to wonta been seen with no amurkin, so i kep my distunts after that. i did end up at a table of folk that included him fer lunch that day, n he gut em speakin english rite away by pointin out how i wuznt able to do much else on a counta bein amurkin, but i tole em in german how i could speak german jes fine. twernt the case, but i dint wonta add mitt it, n thang wuz, dint nobidy give me a chants. they all wonted to practiss thar english, so thats whut we dun.

we gut to talkin bout the world situwayshun, mainly the cold war of corse, n it seemed lack frum the way they wuz carryin on, they figgerd the united states wuz the big danger in the world. finely i ast em wuz that whut they wuz trine to say? they looked at me lack i wuz crazy or jes nigh-eve. corse amurkas the big evil power, they sed, lack twuz a matter of fack that ye could look up in the encyclopeedia. so i ast whut about the soviet union, n they all sed how thar trine hard to be number one but they jes aint rich a nuff. twuz such a shock i shut up n listend n dint say a nuther wurd. 

but seems lack they wuz talkin at me, trine to cunvints me of sumthin, n twuz all bout the middle east, witch they gut to splainin how twuz the real problem in the worl. they kep at it till twuz lack i wuz back with darlene n daddy playin risk, ceptn they kep sayin that till amurka played fair with bof sides -- n they wuz all lookin at me lack i wuz amurka its ownself -- till we amurkins treated the palestinians same as the israelis, then thar woodnt be no peace. thay wuz a fella frum iran thar n a nuther frum saudi arabia n the greek n all three of em wuz jes shore the only real problem in the worl wus the middle east. the greek splained how twuznt long till thar woodnt be no soviet union nor no east block, but even after that, thay wood still be the middle east n twood be a problem long as amurka kep armin the israelis.

thang wuz, i had herd my daddy say the same thang bout the middle east. he sed relijun wuz a hole lot deeper n irrashunul than eke onomicks, so i dint try to change thar pinions n twoodnta matter ifn i had tride. nobidy changes thar mind in a argumint lack that, so i jes listend n the two thangs that wuz scary wuz (1) how thay dint hardly any two of em disagree the least whit n (2) how it made me so mad n how i wished we wuz on the rite side of thangs n how i wished i knew a nuff to defend our posishun, witch i dint know a nuff about to know wuz we on the rite side or not.

i gut to thanking bout the time with that fella name of 'said' at that party in knoxvull. everthang he had sed wuz jes assumed to be true by ever person at that table -- ceptn me. whar wuz they gittin thar informayshun? why wuz it that bof folks frum behin the iron curtain n folks frum the west agreed on everthang -- ceptn me.

innywho, ye kin see how bein in europe makes ye wonta know more bout whuts a'goin on in the worl, only ye jes cant keep up with everthang. purty soon, ye fine yerself lack i wuz that mundy in november, walkin to skool thankin bout a dream that dint mean nuthin, wunderin why my subconshus duz such a thang to me. twuz late in the day, after we waited out the mail man who dint git thar till near 9:30 sted of rite at 9:00 lack he dun mos times n had dun had sum knödel suppe n bred n cheese fer lunch n i had dun walked with emily to the post offus with a lil trip to the antiquariat on the way n i had dun kissed her goodbye at the corner of ginheimer n leipziger.

i gut to the bildin whar the class wuz held a lil early n went to stand out in the hall. i reckon ye mite could say i looked lack a hippy. my hair wuz down past my shoulders n my beard down to my breast bone n i wore blue jeans n boots n a ole cordaroy coat, so i reckon to them students i found standin out in the hall, i looked lack mayhap i mite even be a communist my ownself on a counta they wuz dressed purty much lack i wuz n ever one that could grow a beard had em one. they wuz as eggcited as i had ever seen em n soons they saw me cummin, they hedded my way.

one of em wuz carryin a lil paper name of die rote stern, witch that means the red star in english. twuz a cheap lookin paper lack ye mite speck frum yer nashnul enquirer but whut gut me wuz the hedline. i had to read it a cuple of times n then read the furst paragraph to make shore i wuz gittin it. twuz sumthin that had happend jes the day befor in iran. i dint know sum of the main wurds: Geisel, Botschaft, entführen, but i could unnerstand Diplomat jes fine. i looked up tutherns while they all waited, eggcited to see how i wood reack once i figgerd out whut had happend n purty soon i had it that the embassy in tehran had been attacked n the diplomatick staff tuck hostage.

i ast wuz that it n they all started cheerin n sed twuz it all rite n twuz the beginnin of the revolushun fer shore, the beginnin of the fall of amurka. they give me that thar newspaper n tole me i could have it n patted me on the back n ast me dint i thank twuz a wonderful thang? now ye mite wood thank they wood switch to english, but these wuz all them communists n they dint wonta study english. they wuz studyin russian or polish or other slavick langwages, so they kep chatterin away in german.

now ifn ye ever dun larned ye a forn langwage, then ye know how ye git to whar ye kin unnerstand whut folks is sayin long befor ye kin anser em back n twuz so then. i could unnerstand everthang they wuz a'sayin to me as they all stood in a circull round me: wernt it true we had 20% inflashun in armurka? n wuznt it so that couldnt no engineering graduwaits git jobs? dint we have racshul strife? dint folks in amurka tell polack n nigger jokes? n dint we have a histry of lynchin? n dint we all drive gas guzzlin cars n pollute the earth? wuznt we the ones that had that three mile island acksident? n wuznt i happy that the revolushun wuz started n we wuz a'gone be liberated frum the capitalist system? n wuznt it just n good how the mouse of iran had dun tripped the lion of amurka to git it all started? n they cheerd the iranian students.

i wonted so bad to tell em i wuznt happy, that twuz a awful thang that had happend, that my cuntry wuz not about to fall n that thar hole communist bleef system wuz bankrupt n yew name it, but i couldnt git a sangle sentents out.

finely i turnt n tuck off but they follerd n one of em ast me ifn twuz a shock to wake up frum the amurkin dream n fer sum reason that made me thank of that dream i had dun had the nite befor n how i couldnt say nuthin in it neethur. twuz the same feelin.

i dint go back to that class agin. i started goin to the histry of the novel class with emily, witch they wuz readin tobias smollet n i hadnt even known who he wuz till then. n i gut to readin a lil bout the worl n the middle east, a'trine to git a lil more educayted. n i rote n rote n rote, a trine to git sumthin started that wuz 'engagiert,' as the students wood say. twuz painful trine to wake up frum that strange amurkin dream whar we could bleeve we wuznt even part of the rest of the worl.

life of buddy don, chaptur 100:
becum whut ye are

whenever i wuz back in knoxvull thankin that with strate a marks in skool, shorely i wood be able to git a trip to sum forn cuntry, i wuz purty much on top of the worl. i had minny blessins i dint even know a nuff to be countin. thar wuz the farm n the good skools n good friens n the freedum to be crazy or alone. ye dint have nun of that overn west germany on  a counta thay wuz sum kinda folk n die polizei ever whar ye went.

then thar wuz the problem of food: twuz sumthin bout amurka i never knew i luved as much as i did. fer instunts, in frankfurt am main thay wuznt no way ye could git sumthin as simple as corn meal sos ye could make corn bread, witch we wooda had to make corn pone on a counta we dint have no oven, but we couldnt fry simple corn pone without no corn meal. thang wuz, the germans seemed to thank corn wuz sumthin ye only used to feed farm animulls. ye couldnt find no food lack fried okra nor turnip greens nor fried chicken nor pepperoni nor cheddar cheese nor even jes taco bell mexican.

thay wuz also this weird thang bout the langwage that made ye hardly wonta eat sum of them thangs they had. fer instunts, ifn ye wonted to buy sum ground beef, whut ye bought wuz hackfleisch, witch that means chopped flesh wurd fer wurd but stands fer ground beef jes the same. pork wuz schweinefleisch, witch ye kin probly figger thatn out yer ownself on a counta schwein mean swine. beef in generul wuz called rindfleisch, witch that means cow flesh. kin ye magine goin to a restrunt in amurka n havin the waitress ast ye did ye wont cow flesh or swine flesh? twood make us a nashun of vegetaryuns.

then thar wuz the problem bout how rude them germans could be to ye, not that twuznt easy to see why. fer one thang, the way thar system wuz set up, whenever thar children wuz 10 or 11 year old, they give em a test n dependin on how they dun, they wuz a'gone be put into one of three paths fer life: (1) ifn they dun real good, they wood git to go to 'gymnasium,' witch thats a hi-falutin wurd fer 'hi skool' only tiz a lot hardern the hi skools we gut in amurka; (2) ifn they wuz middlin good but not real good, they wood git to study on how to be a buracrat n wurk in a offus; n (3) ifn they dun so bad that they prooved how wuznt cut out fer skoolin, they wood be taught how to be a handwerker, witch i speck thats a nuther wurd ye kin figger thatn out yer ownself.

so ifn ye went downstairs in yer buy palace n wonted to buy sumthin frum behin the counter, ye wuz gittin a handwerker or mayhap one of the buracrats that dint lack paperwurk to take yer order. now thang wuz, yer germans gut lifetime jobs, so however they started out, twuz how they wuz a'gone end up. it seemed a lil sad to thank ye could git stuck bein a butcher or cuttin cheese off fer folk n never git to change up n try nuthin else.

so why wood such a person, say that fat lady with the mole on her cheek down in the buy palace, why would she be plite to sumbidy who cums in astin fer sum gouda cheese, witch tiz spelt the same way as in english, only we say it 'goo-duh' but they say it 'gow-duh,' n yer spozed to make the 'g' sound lack yer trine to clear yer throat of mucus. why should that lady be plite? plite or not, she has got that thar job fer life, so she kin sit thar n say, 'was? was meinen sie, bitte!' when yer pointin rite at the gouda cheese n sayin, 'ich möchte etwa goo-duh käse, bitte.' ye know that lady mus have a good idee whut ye mean, but she kin jes sit thar brayin lack a stuck pig, 'was? was ist den diese goo-duh?'

befor we went to west germany, neethur me nor emily wuz much on cheeses that wuznt eethur pizza cheese lack motzarella or provaloney or cheeses that wuz yella, but once we wuz thar, we dint have no choice on a counta ye couldnt hardly git yella cheese n ifn ye found sum, it tasted awful. not only that, they had em 57 kinds of cheese ever whar ye looked n ye had to be rite keerful witchn ye picked on a counta how sum of em stunk too bad to be etabull.

i larnt how to make pizza in that pan we had. with all them cheeses they had, ye still couldnt git no motzarella nor provaloney neethur one, so ye had to figger whut ye could use fer replacement cheeses, witch we used gouda n edamer, witch edamer is the same as edam. since thay wuznt no pepperoni -- or ackshly, thar wuz, but twuz peppers n not meat! -- we used salami whar we wonted pepperoni.

corse, the way they dun thar food wuz the bigges reminder of one of the bes thangs bout amurka. i aint sayin twoodnt be nice to have a gaurunteed job fer life in sum ways, but twoodnt be wurth it ifn ye dint have no chants to try sumthin differnt. twuz a topick that wuz on bof our minds to a grate eggstent on a counta dint seem lack neethur one of us wonted to go after whut we cum thar for. she dint make no purtents bout not wontin to spend her time studyin german n german histry. i purtended lack i dint wonta use no english n wonted to git serious bout flossofy. but i couldnt hold on toot.

fer one thang, in that class on martin heiddeggers book sein und zeit, we spent the furst three weeks jes gittin to page two. we spent two hole weeks on the lil note heidegger had writ at the frunt of the book n that wuznt 30 wurds long! twuz a terrbull waste of time. then in that other class, linguistisch und philisophie, i had sined up to rite a paper they call a referat, witch that means seminar paper, n read it to the class. only thang wuz, perfesser mourikis give me the main text i wuz spozed to use n the author had filled it up with quotes in greek n latin n french n english, but he dint give ye the meanin of nary a one of em, so i gut to whar i tole that perfesser i couldnt use that book, witch i ast him dint it seem a lil crazy to rite a book on how langwage wurks n then put thangs in thar that ye dont translate fer yer reader? taint everbidy that knows five langwages n seems lack he wuz cuttin way down on the number of folk that could ever read n unnerstand the book. the perfesser thought i wuz makin a joke on a counta dint everbidy half to study greek n latin n hi skool? n dint everbidy half to git em a lil english n french jes to git by?

twuz a horrbull moment on a counta i figgerd i wuz rite n he figgerd i wuz makin a joke. i tuck a long walk n gut to thankin over everthang. it kindly seemed lack i had tuck a rong turn that wuznt leedin whar i wuz hopin to git. i wonted to be a riter, but i dint see no way of earnin a livin n doin the ritin i wonted to do at the same time. i know thays folks that gits thar books published n makes a livin thataway, but i dint thank twuz sumthin ye could count on till ye had a good book writ. i dun gut sick of crap notes the mint it cum back from alfred a. knopf even tho i later larnt thay wuznt no way thay wuzn a'gone read sumthin that cum in 'over the transom,' witch that means twuz sent to em without thar astin fer it or gittin it frum a agent of sum kind. but far as i could tell, twuz no good.

but that dint stop me frum wontin to write, frum goin to the philosophische bibliothek to study flossofy n try to write my referat, only to open my fickshun notebook n start trine to scribble the start of a new book, witch i rote a lot of stuff over thar but jes couldnt git no book goin. so i kep acktin lack i wuz wontin to be a flossofer, but i dint wonta be that neethur.

finely i cum home n thar wuz emily. she had jes gut dun readin lettin go by philip roth n she wuz deepressed by it n wundern her ownself bout had she dun the rong thang n wuz it a miss take fer us to marr so quick or wuz i really wontin to have children n whut wuz we a'gone do whenever we finely gut to go back home. i tole her i dint know innythang to say that wood make it better on a counta i dint know whut i wonted to do my ownself, ceptn i wuznt reddy to say the marrg wuz whut wuz vexin me. twuz whut i wuz a'studyin that wuz a'doin it. it seemed lack a waste of time to study flossofy when i wonted to be a riter of fickshun.

she agreed n ast me dint i member that book i red her big parts of by friedrich nietzsche? i ast her witch one she meant n she sed the one bout zarathustra, witch thatns also sprach zarathustra, witch in english tiz thus spoke zarathustra. tiz one of the mos beeyootiful books ye could ever try to read n tiz loded with good lil bits ye could quote. i tole her i did member readin her all kinds of thangs frum it, so witchn did she have in mind?

wuznt thar sumthin bout becomin yer ownself? i sed seem lack thar wuz n i gut that book name of werke out n gut to lookin thru it till she sed wuz i a'gone study all nite? i pall gized fer that n sed i had dun found the quote, witch twent lack this in english: a drawer, a trainer, a training-master, who not in vain counselled himself once on a time: "Become what thou art!"

i tole her i lacked thatn a lot, but whut wuz i spozed to becum ifn i dint really know whut i wuz? fer sum reason that made her a lil angry, so i ast whut had i dun? she sed couldnt i see how much she wonted to be whut i wuz, wuznt that the main thang we talked bout, how she should be happy to have so much time so she could rite? wuznt that whut she wonted to be, but twuznt whut she wuz? i tole her i dint git it. ifn she wonted to rite, why dint she jes rite?

she splained twuz on a counta how she wuznt no riter n dint matter how she tried to trick it out. she wuz a reader.

'but yew, buddy, yer a riter. tiz all ye do ever chants ye git.' i hadnt never seen it thataway since it seemed lack the main thang i rote about wuz how i wuznt gittin much ritin dun, but twuz a fack the notebooks wuz pilin up.

so i ast her did we have inny beer lef n we did, witch twuz spaten pils. i opened one n pored sum fer each of us n sed she wuz rite. thay wuznt no reason fer me to pertend i wuz a'gone study flossofy. i also had to figger whut wuz i a'gone do once we gut back home, witch ifn i wuznt in skool, i had to cummence payin off a loan of $2,000 but ifn i wuz in skool, i woodnt half to pay n thay woodnt be no innerst pilin up neethur. so i sed how i wood start on my own masters when we gut back, only i wood go fer english in sted of flossofy. twuz almos lack i wuz speakin wurds of luv to her the way she melted n clinked my glass n said 'prosit,' witch thats german fer 'cheers' or 'down the hatch.'

but i tole her i wuznt reddy yet n sed i wuznt a'gone to pertend i wuz studyin no flossofy no more. i wood jes put in a lil appearants in class to keep frum losin our stipend. so she clicked my glass agin n sed, 'prosit!' only i still wuznt reddy.

then i sed i wuz a'gone try to git all the ritin dun i could n we wood do our best to enjoy our time thar. then we bofus sed 'prosit!' n drunk deep.

she tole me how she dint thank she had ever luved me moren she did that mint, witch i couldnt hep but ast her why. she tole me not to wurry bout it.

'jes keep on doin whut yer a doin.'

twuz a fack we had kissed n cuddled n she had tuck off her bra n i had dun hepped he pull off her blue jeans n panties, witch she wuz lef wearin nuthin but her flannel shirt n knee socks , so twuz only natcherul how my fangers had strayed down thar to play in her curls. so i figgerd that wuz whut she meant. i give her a lil stroke i knew she lacked n sed, 'yew mean this?' she laffed n pushed my hand away. turnt out she dint mean that at all. so i ast her whut? whenever she anserd, thay wuz a moment when everthang seemed so simple. fer whut seemed lack the furst time in my life, i knew jes whut i wuz spozed to do. 

'buddy don, how kin ye be so dents? becum whut ye are.' by then she pulled my hand back n purty soon we wuz driftin off to sleep, cuntent n satisfied. i figgerd everthang wood be simple frum then on.

i lacked to thank we had it bettern them germans on a counta we wuznt stuck in the same job all our lives. we could change. i fell asleep verr inspired, jes positive i wuz a'gone git everthang rite frum then on. emily wuz rite bout whut i wuz, a riter, n i wood git a novel writ, a good one, or else a play or short stories or who knows whut? dint matter on a counta i wuz a riter n i wood rite grate thangs. i wuz shore of it.

corse, twernt near so easy as i thought, n nex day, i couldnt git a thang writ to satisfy me. n frum then till now, i been larnin jes one thang: thay aint nuthin harder to do in life than larnin to becum whut ye are.

life of buddy don, chaptur 99:
pieces of home

innybidy who has ever tuck out frum his home cuntry to live sumwhars else, even fer a lil while, is almos bound to be larnin sum thangs ye woodnt eggspeck. fer instunts, i had been readin books by folk frum europe lack crazy, flossofy n german literchur in particlar. frum all that readin i gut this noshun in my hed that i had more in common with folk in europe than in amurka. i gut to thankin thay wuz minny a thang bout my own cuntry i dint lack in 1979: (1) disco music, (2) fedrul debt up to a whoppin $845 billyuns, (3) jimmy carters neutron bomb, (4) kramer vs. kramer, (5) crimson tide beatin the vols ever year, (6) gas-guzzlin cars that made folk in germany laff at us n hate us, n most of all, (7) publicans usin the southern stratgy, witch i had voted fer nixon n then wonted to keep on bein a publican but jes couldnt stumach whut ye had to pertend ye bleeved to doot. couldnt vote fer carter nor fer ford neethur, so i gut into a habit of wastin my vote fer a few years, includin wastin it on john anderson in 1980 on a counta seemed lack he wuz thonly one who could see whut our dependents on oil wuz makin us do.

tiz shameful to member, but i reckon i figgerd since i wuz readin folk lack kant n nietzshe n friedrich dürrenmatt n even the bible auf deutsch n listnin to nuthin but mosly german classicull musick, then mayhap i had a europeen sole or mayhap i wuz more a citizen of the worl than of amurka.

it dint take but about two weeks in germany to set me strate on lots of thangs. fer one, everwhar i went, folk knew i wuz amurkin befor i opened my mouth, jes by how i dressed n walked n ackted. n seem lack everbidy had one rong idee or a nuthern bout amurka, witch twuz one thang whenever i wuz crit-sizin it but a verr differnt thang when sumbidy who hadnt never been thar gut into the ack. much as i wonted to thank i wuz more part of worl cultchur or even europeen cultchur, whut i wuz findin out wuz jes how amurkin i really wuz. fack is, i gut to lackin lots of thangs i hadnt hardly noticed bout my cuntry.

fer in stunts, in west germany, far as i could tell, everthang wuz under cuntrol, witch thay wuz this german sayin that went 'ordung muß sein,' witch that means ye gut to have order no matter whut. ye dint have no stray cats nor stray folks nor nuthin lack that. ever inch of ground wuz accounted fer n bein used. thay wuz this joke amungst sum of them german student communists that whenever the revolushun wuz to cum to west germany, when it cum time to storm the hauptbahnhof n take over the trains, everbidy wood buy thar ticket furst.

they wuz happy to have a nashnul po-leece registrayshun of all the folk. ye couldnt be anonymus, no how, no way. everbidy had to be counted n accounted fer. they dint thank nuthin of nobidy havin guns or inny rites to have em. ifn ye read bout sumbidy gittin shot, ye could bet twuz sum amurkin soljer pullin the trigger on a counta dint nobidy else have guns that shot bullets. ifn ye wuz homeless, ye couldnt even find a lonely corner to lie down in, witch thank goodness we wuznt. they wuz no open meadows that wuznt in a park, no forest that dint have concrete paths runnin thru it. even yer graveyards had fences round em n tho they wuz sum of the mos beeyootiful places ye could find, ye had to pass by a guard to git in.

fack is, thay wuznt hardly room a nuff to turn around n after a while, i gut to whar i kindly lacked how emily could make such a disorderly mess of our lil apartment on a counta twuz lack amurka: loose, messy, free. i woodnt add mitt that to her, but twuz sumthin nice bout cummin outta yer perfeck german streets to a place whar ye couldnt see the floor fer discarded cloze n papers n books n ash trays n cigrette butts n yew name it.

corse, whut ye miss bout home is the folks moren mos innythang n twuz way too eggspensive to thank bout makin fone calls. that meant ye wuz at the mercy of the mail.

me n emily gut to whar we woodnt leave out fer skool of a mornin till the mail had dun cum. ifn thay wuznt nuthin in it frum home, we wuz a lil deepressed all day. as ye mite know, they gut way too minny holidays in west germany n we couldnt hardly figger when one wuz a cummin up agin, so thay wuz days when we wuz sad that it jes dint cum n we dint know why till twuz almos too late to go out.

after i gut out of the hospitull, thay wuz a slew of letters fer me. turnt out that the verr day i went in, my bruther eli tride to kill hisself. emily dint wonta git me upset while i wuz in the hospitull, so she kep em fer me to read whenever i cum out. turnt out the v-a had give eli his munthly medicine in a liquid form in sted of the usual lil bottles of pills. that meant twernt much of a trick to drank up the hole munths supply all at one time, n thats jes whut he dun. furst letter sed he wuz in a coma n secunt one splained how he wuz awake but wuznt able to do nuthin n the docters had dun tole mama she wuz a'gonna half to ackcept that her sun wood be lack a vegtabull fer the res of his life.

lord knows i wonted to call home n find out more, but whut could i say? we couldnt pay fer no fone call frum west germany n ifn we could, i reckond all we wood git is the sound of mama a'crine on the fone. so i went thru feelin verr deepressed n guilty fer sum reason on a counta i knew part of whut made eli sad wuz how he wood compar his life with mine n the hole fambly wuz eggcited bout me bein in europe n all. tiz sumthin ye live with all the time ifn ye have a sick siblin lack i eli.

in a few daze we gut a nuther letter n mama rote bout how the docters sed twuznt possbull n mayhap twuz a murkle, but eli wuz cummin back, furst barely able to talk n then havin no memry but barely able to stop talkin n then gittin his memries back till he tole em he wonted to go home. so they let him go.

in the same mail with that letter wuz a letter frum alfred a. knopf along with the manuscript fer crap notes that i sent em. it had been rejeckted n that meant i felt lack i had been rejeckted.

twuz a moment whar i wunderd whut i wuz a'doin with my life. i dint much lack the classes i wuz takin. dint much lack the germans, ceptin fer frieda muller n her sister erika, dint much lack bein stuck in such a cold n awful place. i gut to whar i couldnt hardly sleep n one evenin i tole emily i had to take a walk.

i gut up n put on plenty of cloze on a counta twuz gittin on tords october n the weather wuz turnin verr cold. i walked all the way to sachsenhausen n back. i thought bout how i wuz readin books bout the novel on a counta thats whut emily wuz a'studyin n whut i wonted to do. i had been readin one book of essays colleckted by malcolm bradbury bout the modern british novel n fer sum reason it gut me riled up. seemed lack ever essay in that book wuz arguin that yer novel only matterd ifn twuz a'doin the novel in a new way. twuz as if ritin a novel the ole fashund way, with a good plot n strateford narrativ wuznt good a nuff. ye had to do thangs lack git yer novel printed as loose sheets n put all in a box n ast folks to shuffle em befor they read em.

thang wuz, i had cum to west germany to study flossofy, but thonly reason i wuz wontin to study flossofy wuz so i wood be able to rite better. twuznt no way to make a livin n i knew i had to find a compromize with life sos i could keep gittin the means to pay fer food n shelter n everthang else ye need to keep the body n sole glued together. so that meant gittin a job that wood pay a nuff, witch twernt sumthin i wood git with flossofy. sides that, now that i had dun read bout elis trubles, seem lack i wonted to git back home moren innythang only thay wuznt no turnin back, witch that mean finishin the year furst.

but when i gut to cunsidderin goin back home, the questchun cum up of whut wuz i a'gone do to pay the bills? emily wuz halfway thru her masters, so we had to git back to utk to let her finish, witch that wood take a year. i dint wonta wurk with no computers no more n fack wuz, i dint know how to do much else to make money. i wonted to rite, but ye cant plan on makin money thataway.

so i figgerd i wood go fer a masters my ownself, only i wood quit goin after flossofy n git to studyin literchur. i dint tell emily rite away on a counta i figgerd she wood wonta go home that mint. i kep goin to my classes n gittin reddy to give a presentayshun to that linguistisch und philisophie class. but my hart wernt in it.

bout a week later, i gut a letter frum eli his ownself. he splained how he had figgerd twuz time to die but god musta had sumthin else fer him to do. turnt out he had been in the hospitull the same 12 days i wuz in, witch he figgerd he wuz a'goin to the europe of the sole while i wuz visitin the europe of the earth, that he wuz studyin the spirtchul worl n i wuz a'studyin the physcull. how i wished i could be home n see him agin.

fack wuz, i wished i could be home, period, but i wuz too stubburn to add mitt it. so i rote a bunch of letters to everbidy i could thank of, even weird walter, in hopes that sumbidy wood send sum back. emily dun the same. n we waited on the mail everday, no matter whut, on a counta them letters wuz pieces of home, thonly thangs that fit the empty in our harts.

life of buddy don, chaptur 98:
skool daze amung the germs

by time we wuz eggspeckted to git down to the johann wolfgang goethe-universität n cummence a'takin classes, we had dun been thru a lot n twuz ackshly rite hepful on a counta we had larnt a lot more german than we had cum over a'knowin. so we tuck our walk down leipziger strasse to whar ye register fer classes, n rite away we found ourself facin more cultchur shocks, only these wuz a lil easier to take.

fer one, we wuz at a big university, witch i wurked my applicayshun fer a fullbright thisaway:

1. furst i picked the best skool they had over n west germany, witch fer whut i wuz a studyin, twuz a place name of eberhard karls universität in tübingen. (did ye notice how i larnt to git them two lil dots to stay over sum of the vowels without makin a mess of my page? i reckon i'll go back n fix em all direckly.) thang is, even the bes west german students wood have truble gittin in thar n i knew i wuznt as good as inny of them on a counta they wuz much better at the lingo than i ever wood be. but ye gut to set yer sites hi, n thats whut i dun.
   
2. nex i picked a place that wood be the mos beeyootiful of em all ifn we wuz lucky a nuff to git in, witch thatn wuz ruprecht-karls universität in heidelberg n fack is, thay aint a hole lot of settled placed thats as beeyootiful as heidelberg. but they dint have a verr big skool, so i knew my chantses wuz slim of gittin in thar.
   
3. so i picked me a big ole university that wuz in the middle of a big city n i figgerd thar wuz whar they wuz mos lackly to have a exter place fer sumbidy frum amurka, n corse that wurked out.

as ye know, i gut a d-a-a-d in sted of a fullbright on a counta that treaty we had with west germany n best thang about it wuz how we wuz paid in marks. as ye mite recolleck, the economy in amurka wuznt all that good in late 1979 on a counta the oil crisis n inflayshun n the hi interst rates, witch seem lack they wuz knockin on the door of 12%, so twuz a bit of luck to be paid in marks on a counta how the dollar wuz droppin. whenever virgil wuz stayshuned in west germany, thay wuz gittin dm4 fer thar dollar, but he wuz thar in the early 70s. by the time we gut thar, ye wuz gittin maybe dm1,70 fer yer buck, so everthang ye bought with dollars seemed hi.

innywho, we larnt a lot our furst day thar. fer one thang, emily wood be able to odd-it all the classes she could stand, witch that meant she could sit in but woodnt half to do no wurk. i figgerd she wuz lucky till i larnt that i woodnt half to do no wurk neethur on a counta in them west german universities, ye dint have a lot of the thangs that ye gut in amurka: (1) ye dint half to take no tests till ye had dun been thar two years, when ye wood half to take yer zwischenprüfung, witch that means 'between test' wurd fer wurd n fack is, we dont have no such thang in amurka; (2) nobidy wuz takin attendance; (3) ye dint half to buy no books lessn ye jes wonted to; (4) ye dint half to give no presentayshuns, lessn ye wonted to; n (5) ye dint half to rite no papers, lessn ye wonted to. fack is, ye only had to commit to doin wurk in four of yer classes the furst two years. then when ye tuck that zwischenprüfung, ye wuz spozed to know everthang ye had sined up to study by then, speshly the four classes whar ye had earned yer schein, witch i reckon thats a grade or such lack, proof ye tuck the class n rote a paper n give a talk of sum kind.

twooda dun me sum good to know all this rite frum the gitgo, but i dint, so in one of the classes i wuz takin, witch twuz a class name of linguistisch und philisophie, witch the meanin of thatn is purty easy to suss n the mane reasons i sined up to git a schein in it wuz (1) twuz a subjeck i wuz innnerested in studyin, (2) the teechur, a greek name of perfesser mourikis, couldnt talk german much fastern i could, so it made him a lil easier fer me to unnerstan, n (3) i wuz thonly student in the class who had ever read inny of them greek flossofers, witch i had dun read everone i could git my hands on n the furst six volumes of frederick coplestons histry of flossofy, witch that meant readin bout all them greeks on a counta they gut the hole flossofy thang started n that meant they purty much tuck the furst volume or so.

i also sined up fer a class on heideggers zein und zeit and one on materialistische dialektik, witch that means dialectic materialism n tiz mosly bout them communists. but i figgerd twood be innerestin, n thay wuz a lease one innerestin moment, tho it dint have nuthin to do with the class. i reckon ill cum to thatn direckly.

thay wuz a nuther class i sined up fer, witch twuz a class on sittlichkeitsgefühl, technologie und philosophie n witch that means 'morality, technology and philosophy.' it feetchured a verr poplar teechur n wuz held in a big auditorium so i only went a cuple of times. but i do have two strong memries frum that class. fer one, the teechur wuz verr poplar on a counta he tole a lot of jokes. as ye mite know, ifn ye ever larnt ye a forn lingo, the hardest thangs is jokes n fone calls, on a counta them jokes is built on everbidy knowin insider dope on thangs n on the fone, ye cant see the person yer a'talkin to, witch ye git a lot of meanin by seein em say whut thar trine to tell ye. but i noticed that ever time that teechur tole us a joke, the hole class wood laff n i gut so i wood be laffin too, even tho i dint have the lease idee whut he wuz a talkin bout. but twuz sumthin bout how the crowd wuz a'laffin n purty soon i could tell the perfesser wuz bout to deeliver a nuther punch line, n shore a nuff, i wood be laffin my hed off lack i knew whut twuz all about. twuz a moment when i could planely see how thars sumthin powerful in a mob.

tuther thang i member bout that class wuz whenever he wuz splainin conflick n how ye kin git to grater evil as ye git more technicull power. fer instunts, ifn all ye gut to fite with is yer fists, thays a good chants bof sides mite give up befor eethur side wuz ded on a counta ye could git wore plum out befor ye had killt yer enemy. once ye git to the point of pickin up rocks n usin sticks, thangs gits easier, but ye mite still quit befor ye had killt yer opponent n mayhap ye wood negosheeate sum other outcum. once ye git to the point of havin a long bow or a rifle, ye kin kill with a bare squeeze of yer fanger. n once ye git a hole army wurkin fer ye, cumplete with cruise missles, ye kin sit in a room eatin yer dinner n order a hole peeple to be deestroyed. fack is, ye git to a point whar ye mite kill the hole planet off jes by miss take.

twuz sumthin the worl used to wurry bout a hole lot on a counta how amurka n the soviet union wuz loded with weppons pointed at each other n everbidy else fer good meashure. corse nowadays we dont have that problem, but we have cum up with new ones to wurry bout, lack whar is all them weppons gone to? or even the stuff ye use to make em?

corse, when all them students dont have to do much in class, they have plenty of time to do thangs outside of class. whut they dun wuz a real sprize to bofus. fer one thang, thay wuz a slew of communists thar n all of em bleeved that the amurkin empire wuz about to fall. thang wuz, they wuz much more innerested in arguin twixt thar ownself than in cunvintsin innybidy that dint alreddy bleeve in communism. so ye had two big groups a fitin all the time, one of em the communists who figgerd stalin wuz rite n tuthern the communists who figgerd twuz trotsky, witch that mean them stalinist communists lacked leonid brezhnev n them trotsky folk lacked chairman mao.

i used to watch em frum a place i found to sit n rite up in the mensa, witch means 'cafeteria' wurd fer wurd but stands fer lounge n twuz whar all the students used to hang out when they wuznt in the liberry or in class. twuz a big buildin with a lower level that had couches n tables n such. the upper level wuz filled with desks, but it only went round the edge of the buildin so ye could sit n look down on the furst level, witch thats whar they pitched thar battles. i couldnt see how innythang wuz ever accomplished in them fites on a counta how they wuz set up. ye wood have all them on one side lined up behind thar mane talker with all them on the other side facin em but set up the same way. then them mane talkers wood git to hollerin, only dint neethur side listn to tuthern. they jes hollerd loud as they could at each other, thar noses jes inches away frum each other.

corse they had other thangs they lacked to do, witch one of thar faverts wuz to march agin amurka. we gut stuck trine to cross one of them marches a time or two, witch we noticed the mane events wuz (1) burnin a big jimmy carter doll, (2) burnin the amurkin flag, (3) shotin slogans n (4) scrapin swastikas on all the mercedes benzes. they also lacked takin over abandund buildins, witch they called 'squattin' n holdin 'teach-ins' bout how awful amurka wuz, witch ye mite wood thank they wood wonta use german wurds fer them events. a nuther thang they lacked doin wuz gittin a hole bunch of em in a cirkle down in this underground mall they had thar called a einkaufscentrum. they wood cart in sum drums n tamborines n maybe a guitar or two n they wood git em a beat a'goin n cummence to screamin bout the thangs they hated bout amurka. i member one time the leader wuz callin out in german how muzak wuz to musick whut macdonalds wuz to food n other insults. thang wuz, near ever one of em wuz wearin levis n they mosly looked lack leftover hippies frum hate ashbury.

tuther groups that lacked to fite in the mensa wuz the iranians, witch they had em a slew of iranians thar. they wuz divided up into two groups, witch one wuz them that wuz follerin that ayatollah khomeini fella. tutherns wuz them that wuz wonted iran to have modernizayshun, but neethur side had inny use fer the shah. ifn they found the battlefield free, they wood git thar battles goin, n they wood use the verr same method, ceptn ye could tell which side wuz which on a counta the khomeini folk wood have thar women wearin hed scarfs, ifn thay wuz inny women with em, n lots of the men wuz wearin lil hats that looked lack they wuz made out of lace.

since i had lots of thangs i wonted to rite, i spent a lot of my time up on the second floor of that mensa. i wood rite letters n wurk on trine to git a new novel a'goin n rite in my diary n yew name it. sumtimes emily wood cum along, but she had her own classes to take, so we wood generly go home once neethur of us had no classes.

ye mite thank how emily wood study german histry on a counta that wuz her major n she wuz halfway thru her masters, but twernt to be. she wuz takin classes whar they talked in english, thangs lack the histry of english in amurka n theory of the novel n amurkin literchur. i hate to add mitt it now, but this led to a bad fuss n fite on a counta i had figgerd we woodnt be trine to talk no english but only german on a counta how else wuz we a'gone git good at it? also, wuznt she spozed to be studyin germans n thar histry?

corse, thar wuznt no reason fer us to be fitin n turnt out to be one of the luckiest thangs of all that she wuz takin them classes. fer one thang, she found out thay wuz a liberry with jes english books in it, witch that saved us a lot of money. fer a nuther, in one of them classes, she found the mos preshus thang they gut in west germany: a german friend.

i dun mentchuned how folks in the ex-pat communty used the term 'germs' to refer to the local folk in west germany. i been usin the term up to now on a counta when i recolleck them early days in germany, we felt lack we had been let loose in a land of germs. but fack is, i dint larn the wurd till i cummenced a'goin to skool thar. n once emily made her a friend, witch twuz a gurl name of frieda muller, we dint thank of them folk as germs no more.

life of buddy don, chaptur 97:
back on our feet again

thays a sayin that thangs is darkest jes befor dawn, witch ye mite also say the pendulum gits to its highest point on one side befor swangin back on a counta thangs kin only go so far n either they gits ye to disaster n everthangs over or not. ifn ye live to tell the tale, then tiz lackly thangs dint git to outrite disaster, witch tiz obveeus they dint git to disaster with us or else i woodnt be ritin this.

the turnin point wuz that day i gut to go home n risk everthang fer a lil hot sex. twuz lucky the risk dint cause further damage. corse, thays no causal relayshunship twixt my bein able to go home fer a visit n all the good that finely started happnin, or at lease, not everthang is related. fer one, twuz a bit of good luck how the fambly gut news of our plight n started sendin us a lil money. furst cum the $20 frum maureen, witch thatn wuz jes her bein nice in generul. then cum $50 frum mama on a counta she had gut the news by letter. twuz too eggspensive fer even a thought bout a phone call, so we sent off letters as quick as we knew we wuz stuck with that operayshun, n as soon as mama red one, she tuck $50 frum daddy behind his back n sent if off speshul deelivery, witch jes that cost near half the $50. then daddy sent us $150, n we wuz feelin almos rich by then.

but thar wuz this one conneckshun with that visit n that wuz how it gut emily out n fitin fer us agin. ye mite could thank that emily wuz too weak to carry on, but ye wood be rong. it has been my observayshun of folks that them that whines n cumplains n cries easy n sez thay cant bleeve how bad thangs is, well, theys jes as lackly to be the ones that does carry on n make it, cryin n moanin n cumplainin the hole time, but gittin thangs dun. so twuz with emily.

i mentchuned how she wuz deepressd n crine n all, but whut i dint mentchun wuz how twixt her tears she wuz sayin, 'sine this' n 'read that' on a counta how she wuz gittin all the paperwurk reddy sos she could go down to the po-leece n register n then to the d-a-a-d n testify bout how we wuz marrd n had the papers to proov it n planned to stay together the hole year we wuz here n wood sine papers to promiss as much, witch she had me sine em n gut herr friedrichs to witness fer us.

thang wuz, she wuz hopin i wood git out n go doot on a counta how she hated to speak inny german, but thar wuznt no hep fer it, so she tuck them papers n a letter i had writ to my folks n off she went. furst she went down to leipziger strasse, witch that street twuz more or less the main drag in our part of frankfurt am main, n got her a pitcher made witch they calls a passbild, witch that means tiz a pitcher ye could put on a passport. she needed that pitcher fer them po-leece, but furst she went over to deposit that $50 frum mama n gut out dm85, witch even that wuz hard fer her to do on a counta our bank treated ye lack they wuz shore ye wuz a'gonna rob em sumhow. but she dun it n then went strate to the polizei or po-leece n tuck keer of our anmeldung n aufenthalterlaubnis, witch anmelden means 'to announce' n in this case, twuz registern with the po-leece n aufenthaltserlaubnis means wurd fer wurd 'stopover permission' but stands fer forner residents permit jes the same.

odd thang bout emily is how she wood pinch a penny till it screamed to be set free befor she wood spend it, but once she figgerd we had a nuff, she wood go out n buy the mos useless thang ye could find, witch as soon as she wuz dun with the po-leece chores, she bought a wooden horse with a rider fer a christmus present fer sumbidy back home. i knew we wuz ok then, n fack is, she surprised me with the news that the d-a-a-d had sent dm200 to us n gut it put strate into our bank account, witch ye wood thank they coulda writ us a letter or sumthin splainin that n whenever she gut home, she found the dm700 frum das experiment.

all this happend on windsdy, september 12, witch that wuz a speshul day fer me in a lot of ways on a counta twuz the day darlene n me gut hitched n even tho twuz also my mamas 48th birthdy, bout all i could thank bout wuz how it had dun been 9 years since marrn that furst time n how we had ackshly dun been apart longern we wuz together. but wurst wuz how i knew i still had feelins fer her, witch these wuz feelins couldnt nobidy splain on a counta i dint wonta be with her nohow noway. but i wood have a dream ever so often n thar she wood be n i wood eethur be trine to hurt her by showin off how much in luv with emily i wuz or trine to git her to cum back to be with me.

twuz a blessin that i dint tell emily innythang bout whut day twuz, not even to say how twuz my mamas birthdy on a counta that mite remind her bout my furst marrg. turnt out she knew all bout it n dint mentchun it to me on a counta she dint wont me to git to feelin guilty fer feelin thangs i shouldnt be feelin, witch she unnerstood moren i give her credit fer on thatn. she even splained how i had dicktated a birthdy card furst thang whenever i cum out of surgry, witch she had bought one n ast me whut did i wont her to rite on it n i had tole her n sined it only i dint member nuthin bout it.

twuz late in the day whenever she tole me this. we wuz sittin out on the balcony with herr friedrich n a new payshunt name of herr eckhardt, witch herr eckhradt had lived 12 years in ireland n could speak purty good english in a irish brogue. he piped rite up n sed twuz a good thang emily had dun n ye could tell that he wuz kindly sweet on her even ifn he wuz near 80 years old.

herr eckhardt wuz a innerestin fella n wuz one of the only folks in all of west germany we ever gut to add mitt innythang much bout the nazis. ye mite could thank frum talkin to the folks in our generayshun that thay hadnt never been no thurd reich, but herr eckhardt sed ye had to be honest bout yer miss takes ifn ye wuz a gone git over makin em. since he talked english, me n emily dint have the privacy we wuz used to with jes herr friedrich sittin thar. we couldnt jes sit out on the balcony while i wuz playin chess with herr friedrich n we wuz talkin over our cares n woes in english n couldnt nobidy listen in. in sted, we knew herr eckhardt unnerstood everthang. fack is, he wuz good fer us on a counta how emily dint wonta whine in frunt of him n he give her lots of encouragmint to git out n git her thangs dun. hes the one tole her how she needed to jes git her passbild n anmelden mit der polizei or else, n i thank thats whut gut her to doot.

innywho, he sed a cuple of verr innerestin thangs. fer one, he wuz a lil mad with amurka on a counta how we wuz willin to bomb the germans to the ground but we woodnt push the soviets out of eastern europe. dint we have mayhap 10 millyun soljers thar, reddy to go? couldnt we see how bad thangs had cum out by our not doin that? he sed he knew we had good bombs on a counta how we deestroyed his town of dresden n he figgerd they wood wurk on them soviets jes the same. why did we stop? we tride to splain how we couldnt speak fer our hole cuntry n thays deecishuns that gits made by gummint n as nuthin but a lowly citizen, ye more or less jes half to go long with em.

then he gut onto the marshall plan n how twuz so good fer amurka to do that even if at furst thay wuz a lotta fear on a counta how everthang wuz labeld 'gift,' witch thats the german wurd fer poison. but once they real-eyesd that twuznt poison atall but food n clothin n yew name it, once they saw how we wuz heppin rebuild thar cuntry, mos folk could barely bleeve innbybidy winnin a war wood treat the losers so good. n fer that, he sed, the german peeple wood always luv amurka, no matter whut, even ifn we did let the soviets take whut they dint desurv n led the worl to the brink of nuclear destruckshun, witch he pointed out thay wuznt no marshall plan fer rebuildin after the nex war on a counta thay lackly woodnt be nobidy lef alive n no cuntry fer rebuildin.

then he turnt to emily n his eyes wuz sparklin as he tole her that she wuz gittin sum real german histry frum a real german n he hoped she knew the differnts twixt that n jes gittin it in books. she ast him did he member hitlers rise to power n he gut real quite till she sed she dint mean to insult him. she wuznt trine to blame him nor nuthin. she unnerstood he wuz a citizen n how histry kin be biggern inny lil person, jes lack we couldnt take the blame fer amurka not kickin out the soviets frum east europe.

that gut him goin on a counta he sed twuz the same whenever hitler cum to power. twernt sumthin ever german wuz happy bout, but he sed twuznt lack everbidy knew he wuz a'gonna go n start a worl war. he never mentchuned the concentrayshun camps n fack is, we couldnt find but one sangle german that wood, n she n her sister wuz good friends we wood make later on. but he did add mitt how he wuz verr eggcited whenever he furst herd bout hitler on a counta twuz sumbidy that wonted to stand up fer germany agin them french n english n that awful treaty, witch he meant the treaty of versailles, n he pointed out how twuz such a bad treaty that amurka never sined on toot.

he sed hitler give em hope n gut folks bleevin in tharselves agin. he sed he wuz part of the hitler youth only twuz more lack a soshul club than innythang ceptn he lacked bleevin the germans wuz a grate peeple. he sed twuz good to call out to a peeples pride lack hitler dun, only ye cant let pride becum everthang, n he figgers that wuz part of whar thangs went rong on a counta hitler started bleevin that since germany wuz the mos powerful cuntry in the worl, they could fix all the worls problems, lease the ones they wuz wurried bout. in sted, thay wuz brought low n wood live in shame fer hitler fer all the res of thar histry.

twuz the happiest i had seen emily since we cum. everthang wuz lookin up. the evnin meal cum n we shared it n then i walked her home. that meant i missed the evenin visit frum the docters, but herr friedrich tole me they had seen my pile of books, witch i had agatha christies n friedrich duerrenmatts n the bible n my diary, n herr friedrich sed they wuz rite impressd n figgerd i mus be gittin purty close to bein well.

that nite i tole the nurse i dint thank i wood need no schlafsmittel n i slept real good. nex mornin, jes after havin our coffee, i finely went n tuck my furst dump without the hep of that vile liquid them germans give me befor my operayshun in near a munth. twuz a moment of revelayshun fer me. ye mite could have a millyun dollars, a dozen of the mos beeyootiful women in the worl, the brains of goethe or the heart of saint francis of assissi, but all these thangs woodnt be wurth much of nuthin ifn ye couldnt take a dump. i hadnt never noticed jes how satisfyin it could be, even ifn tiz too disgustin to rite bout.

twuz a sine, tho, n whenever i tole the nurse i had dun made a stuhlgang the nex mornin, i wuz tole she wood tell the chefarzt, witch that wuz the head docter. he tole me i wood be able to go home the nex day, witch that wuz saturdy the 15th.

that evenin, we treated ourself to a nite out, so to speak. i put on one of them three-piece soots n she put on the mexican weddin dress n we went to wienerwald, witch that means 'vienna woods' n i reckon twuz more or less a chain but seemed to us lack a eggsclusive restrunt since twuz the bes place we had been since helmut tuck us out. we bought a cuple glasses of the cheepest wine they had n i toasted her effurts in our behalf, but she sed she wonted to toast sumthin else, so i lifted my glass n she sed, 'to bein back on our feet again.' we clinked the glasses n drank. then she sed we should pay the bill n go home on a counta she had plans fer us n they dint include bein on our feet atall.

whut a nite!

life of buddy don, chaptur 96:
frische luft!

twuz monday, september 3, 1979, whenever i wuz tuck into the hospitull. me n emily wuz thankin we wood eggscape rite to the last mint, but twernt in frau seykova to drop us off in the lobby of that thar hospitull n let us take it frum thar. i dint hardly git no chants to show em i could say furchtbar schmerzen on a counta how she wuz splainin the situwayshun fer bof me n emily. we wuz hopin we coud put the thang off n whenever they finely ast me bout the pain, i ast them rite back bout the cost. twuz a awkwurd moment on a counta them docters n nurses n such couldnt bleeve we wuz astin bout costs when health n mayhap even life wuz at stake. they gut to splainin how ifn thangs kep on, i could git infeckted n purty soon thay woodnt be a nuff money to git me healthy agin.

sides that, even tho frau seykova wuz 82 years old, she wuz strong as a ox n she wuznt a'gone let us git outta thar without me havin the operayshun. she even splained how we lived jes cross the street n they could put me in a bed while she n emily went back to git whutever i mite need.

so twuz that i gut add mitted into that thar hospitull, lack it or not. they tole us not to wurry on a counta how i wood be out in lessn two weeks, witch the instunt we herd that, we knew we wuz bankrupt. emily gut to snufflin, but frau seykova musta pinched her or sumthin since she yelped n shut up n listend to the splainayshun bout how ye kin buy mos innythang ceptn gesundheit n leben, witch thems the wurds fer health n life. so i sined the papers they needed me to sine n let them rite down the numbers frum my passport n lead me away. i kissed emily goodbye furst n i half to add mitt, i never saw such a look of fear n terror on nobidys face to match hern.

as thangs turnt out, a lot of whut wuz a'goin on wuz pure cultchur shock. we wuz used to the way thangs wuz in amurka. whenever i had the operayshun on my nose, they gut me outta the hospitull the verr nex day. even so, i ended up owin near $3,000 n had to make payments fer a cuple years to git over it. twernt such a big deal to me then on a counta how i wuz a'wurkin at carbide n makin purty good money. but thay wuznt no way i coulda paid fer two addishunull days, much less a cuple weeks. as we wuz fixin to larn, them germs had em a differnt way of goin bout givin health care than we dun over in amurka.

furst thang they dun wuz to make me take off all my cloze n take a spit bath on a counta fer sum reason thay wuznt no bath nor shower in that hole hospitull that i ever saw. in sted, they send ye to a room with a tile floor n the biggest sink i ever seen. they gut this lil hose that woodnt even go as hi as yer hed n ye kin make water cum out of it, only taint ever close to warm. bes ye could do wuz give yerself a spit bath by gittin a lil wet n then all soaped up with a wash cloth n then spray tall off. then they give me a lil cloth thangy that dint hardly cuver by backside atall n i figgerd twuz a way of makin shore i dint eggscape once frau seykova wuz gone. they give me a quick look over n twuz a bit of a shock to real-eyes they wuz checkin to see did i have lice! i wonted to cumplain, but i dint know the wurds, so i had to keep quite.

i reckon thangs wuz tuffer on emily than me on a counta nex thang i know i wuz lyin up in a bed in a room with three other germs who wuz recuvern frum operayshuns thar ownself. furst thang they dun wuz give me a pill n let me take a lil nap n whenever i woke up, they wuz givin me sum food, n not jes inny food, but seem lack they wuz puttin on the dawg fer me, mayhap to ease my mind a lil bout how i really dint wonta be thar.

but a quick look around showed me i wuznt gittin no speshul treatment. everbidy gut em a big meal. furst they cum with soup n then with sum wurst n tater cakes n sour crout n bread n later coffee n deesert. twuz a big meal on a counta twuz lunch, witch them germs lacks havin thar big meal fer lunch n then kindly snackin on cold cuts n bread n cheese n beer fer dinner. they even had sum deesert n a lil cup of coffee, witch twuz bout thonly thang they wuz stingy with n i dint hardly git no more coffee after that, ceptn fer brakefuss, n even then they wuz lack as not to brang me tea in sted.

jes to give ye a lil idee bout how differnt thangs wuz overn west germuny, they dint operate on me fer three days on a counta they spent the furst two days givin me thar aerztliche untersuchung, witch means medicull eggzaminayshun n whut they give me twuz the mos cumplete investigayshun of my bidy i ever had in my life. they tuck about a gallun of blood n had me pee fer em n even wonted a lil stool sample, witch i couldnt hardly git nuthin out only they woodnt take no fer my anser n tole me to try harder n splained how they dint need much. they tuck xray pitchers of my insides n checked my blood presshur n pulse bout evertime they looked at me.

by the secunt day i had made friends with the fella in the bed nex to mine, witch he wuz a old guy name of friedrich. tuther folk wuz across the room n seem lack they spent mos the time asleep or readin, but freidrich lacked to talk n he splained sum thangs to me. fer one, twuz a cathlick hospitull we wuz in n that wuz one of the ways them germs kep thar prices down. they had lots of idees on how to keep thar medicull costs frum gittin too hi. fer instunts, they wood larn docterin to mos innybidy frum innywhar who could git into thar collidges, but after thay wuz dun, they had to practiss thar docterin in west germany befor they wood be allowed to go home n open up thar docters offuses. seemed to me twuz rite nice of them germs to let them new docters practiss on em, but thay wuz a'goin fer the bargun they gut frum havin em wurk cheep.

they also had this thang bout how everbidy had to be inshured n they had laws bout how twood wurk. ifn ye felt a sniffle, ye could go to yer docter rite away sos ye wood have a chants to stop yer cold befor it gut outta hand or turnt into sumthin else. ye woodnt half to pay but dm10, witch that mint ye could see yer docter for bout $6. ifn ye wuz give sum perscripshun, ye could git it filled fer jes 50 pfennigs, witch a pfennig is thar vershun of a penny. turnt out them drugs wuz cheepern we wuz used to in amurka on a counta them germs also had this strange idee that the gummint wuz spozed to wurk out barguns fer the peeple n not the cumpnies, witch in our cuntry twuz kindly tuther way roun whar seemed lack the gummint wuz on the side of the cumpnies agin the peeple that mite wonta strike barguns with them same cumpnies.

furst i had to go thru a lil humiliayshun. twuz a teachin hospitull, witch friedrich wuz sprized we wood wunder bout that so he ast us wuznt ever hospitull in amurka a teachin hospitull? we sed twuznt far as we knew. but thisn wuz n i reckon mayhap thay all wuz in west germany, but whut that meant fer me wuz one day here cum my docter with about fifteen medicull students. i reckon they wuz larnin bout hernias on a counta he lined em up n had em cum over to me one after tuthern n put thar hand on das bruch n then rite near my ding dong n then thay wood make me cough by shoutin, 'hustin, bitte!' witch that meant 'cough please,' only it sounded more lack' cough or else.'

thay wuz even gurls in amung them students n twuz a sprize whenever they gut to puttin thar hands down thar, but lucky fer me i dint have no reackshun at the time. (aint it strange, tho, how later on, once i had been cured cumpletely, whenever i memberd how one of them gurls wuz a beeyootiful woman frum india with the purtiest hands ye eved did see, so purty ye could use em to make commershuls fer noxema, how whenever i thought bout how it looked fer her to put her purty hand down thar, seem lack it wood git me all wurked up!)

then they sed they wuz a'gone make me empty my bowels n i sed twood be nice only i figgerd twood half to wait till i could git inny kind a squeezin power n i dint see that happenin till after i had dun recoverd, but them germs knows whut thar a'doin. they give me a drank of sum vile tastin stuff n tole me to git down to the toilet pronto n i dun it n gut thar jes in time fer that stuff to do its bizness, witch tiz a wunder i dint turn inside out the way it gut thangs to movin.

then one of the krankenschwestern, witch twuz a man even if wurd fer wurd twuz a sick sister, he tuck me into a nuther room sos he could shave me down thar n i wished i dint have to go thru that, but he wuz quick as could be n dint seem to mind movin my ding dong frum here to thar sos he could git ever scrap of hair, tho thatn wuznt a memry that ever gut me the lease bit wurked up.

so on the thurd day they give me a pill to calm me down, witch i tole em i wuz calm as could be, but ye cant tell no germ much of nuthin, so i tuck it, n purty soon twuz true i couldnta gut wurked up ifn jimmy carter hisself wuz cumin to visit. then they put me on a lil table with wheels n they rolled me into a room so cold i couldnt stop shivern but then they ast could i count in german n i sed i shore could so they stuck a tube in my arm n ast me to proov it, so i cummenced with ein, zwei, drei n mayhap i gut to vier, but i cant ritely recolleck on a counta the nex thang i knew i wuz back in my room n emily wuz sayin everthang wuz ok.

i ast how could thangs be ok with me jes finishin a operayshun n she splained how she had found my student inshurants policy. i sed whut wuz so good bout that, n turnt out that student inshurants i had frum amurka woodnt run out till the 21st of september n we bof figgerd i wood be out by then. we wuz still wurried the amurkin inshurants wuz a'gonna balk at the idee of payin fer me to be in the hospitull fer so long, but turnt out to be cheeper to be in that hospitull fer twelve days than twuz fer me to be in that hospitull in amurka fer the one nite.

we dint find that out rite away, buta few days after the operayshun when i wonted to go home, they sed they woodnt let me lessn we sined papers sayin we unnerstood the consequentses n unnerstood how ifn i gut sicker n died, twood be my own fault. we dint wonta sine nuthin lack that, but we wonted to go. finely here cum frau seykova astin us wuz we crazy? we had inshurants, dint we? n did we thank our inshurants wuznt good fer the dm151,30 per day? that wood wurk out to bout $85 a day n twuz a big sprize whenever we herd it, so we sed twuz grate the room cost so lil, but whut bout the docters n the nurses n the operayshun room n all. frau seykova sed, 'gott in himmel' bout three times to show how she couldnt bleeve thay wuz folks on earth as silly as me n emily wuz. why wood thar be exter charges? twuz dm151,30 a day fer everthang, docters, eggzaminayshun, food, rehabilitayshun, operayshun, medicin. did we unnerstand how twuz wurth it to be healthy?

so i stayed on n let em larn me how to climb stairs agin n git used to thangs in that thar hospitull. i larnt a lot of german n kindly gut to whar i lacked the way they had thangs wurked out. twood be lack this. ever mornin a 6 am on the dot, in cum one of them lady nurses a'hollerin at the top of her lungs bout 'guten morgen!' witch that means good mornin. then she give a thermometer to everbidy n furst time i gut mine, i dint know how twurked eggzackly, so i stuck it in my mouth n kep it under my tung. the taste wuz awful, but i kep it in thar till friedrich noticed n sed, 'gott in himmel, nein! was fuer ein dumkopf bist du, junge?' witch that means, 'god in heaven, no, what kind of an idiot are you, young man?' n the reason he wuz a'sayin that wuz how i wuz spozed to stick it in a nuther place on a counta twuz a rectull thermometer. ye wood thank they wood tell ye that befor ye could make the miss take, but i cum thru it ok.

meanwhile, the krankenschwester wood go strate to the winder n pull the curtins n open it wide, a'hollerin, 'frische luft!' on a counta she wonted us to know she wuz gittin us some fresh air. twuz a lil chilly on a counta how we dint have much in the way of a blanket, but that dint matter nun on a counta she woodnt care ifn ye cumplained, witch i only tried it the furst day. nex she wood git the temperchur n take our pulse n rite it all down on a clip board.

strangest thang she wood ast us wuz had we dun made our daily stuhlgang, witch that meant she wonted to know had we tuck a dump yet. ye wood thank she wood know the anser befor astin the questchun on a counta how we wuz all sleepin peaceful till she cum in shoutin bout guten morgen n frische luft, but she dint n had to ast us. seem lack it made her a lil angry that thay wuznt nary a one of us ever made our stuhlgang in time n quick as we tole her we hadnt made it, ifn ye could walk, she wood make ye go try n git yer spit bath at the same time.

on the nose of 7 am cum fruhstuck, witch that means 'early piece' wurd fer wurd but tiz brakefuss jes the same. ye gut the same thang ever day, witch thay wuz two pieces of fresh bread, two 20 gram hunks of butter, sum jelly, a biled egg that aint hardly been warmed so tiz still runny, witch i give mine to friedrich everday on a counta he couldnt never git a nuff, n bes of all, a lil beaker with coffee. thay wuz maybe two cups in it n twuz wellcome even ifn twuz alreddy near ruint on a counta how they wood put cream in it n dint matter ifn ye lacked it black, witch i lack mine thataway. i figger they put that cream in thar to keep us frum noticin how week they made it. tiz lucky they dont put suger in.

the lady that brung yer brakefuss everday wuz maybe 55 or 60, a hefty woman with gray hair n huge blue eyes n a square bidy. she tole me in a whisper the furst day she brung me brakefuss how her cuntry wuz gittin filled up with the rong kinds of forners, witch she sed thay wuz way too minny turks alreddy n now seem lack ever other day thays new folk a'cummin in from pakistan or iran or wharever.

seemed a odd cumplaint fer her to make. thay wuz doin a bang up bizness with all them forn docters thay had n i knew fer a fack they had em sum frum iran n pakistan n india n who knows whar all else, but i dint say nuthin. ye hear more when ye dont say nuthin, even if whuts bein sed could be sumthin disagreebull. i wuz wonderin why wood she tell me all this stuff when she splained how she hoped i wood enjoy livin thar in deutschland. ye dint here folk call it that verr often on a counta mosly they sed in the 'bundesrepublik' witch that wuz kindly shorthand for 'bundesrepublik deutschland' or republick of germany.

after that ye dint have nuthin to do but wait fer four hours till lunch. durin this time them nurses n docters wood be busy gittin folks reddy n takin em fer surgry or brangin em back. they wood wash them that couldnt wash thar ownself. they swapped out inny bandages that wu gittin old n give shots n handed out medicin. the cleanin ladies cum n cleaned up the brakefuss dishes n mopped the floors n changed the bed linens.

sum folks wood read n sum wood jes sleep. friedrich wuz crazy bout read western n horror n detektiv magazines. a nuther fella lacked to read the german vershun of playboy. i read whutever emily brings, witch thay wuz a slew of agatha christie novels on a counta i coultnt read flossofy without a dickshunerry n twuz hard to juggle two books in bed. sides, she had dun kindly gut me hooked on agatha christie n she foun a box of em fer dm5 at that antiquariat n bought em with a nuther 20 doytch mark bill she had hid in a book. them paysunts that lacked to smoke wood go out to the balcony of the tagesraum, witch me n emily spent a lotta time thar with friedrich the furst cuple days waitin fer my surgry n then agin once i could walk after the surgry.

finely at eggzackly 11 am they wood brang us lunch, witch twuz the big meal of the day n lessn ye wuz fixin to have surgry or on sum speshul dite, ye gut soup, meat of sum kind whuther tiz wurst or roast pork or roast beef or whutever, always sumthin good, n two vegtabulls n puddin n sum kinda herbal tea.

twuz in that thar hospitull in west germany i larnt that thay wuz other kinds of tea sides black tea. i had always figgerd thay wuz tea or coffee or hot choclit. turns out thays all kinds of teas, sum of em made frum fruits n sum frum herbs n sum frum tea that wuz green. fer me that stay in the hospitull wuz a study in the kinds of teas ye could git. then eggzackly one hour after lunch, they bring ye more coffee or tea n deesert, witch tiz sumthin deelishus that ye woodnt thank they wood let ye eat in a hospitull lack a napolean or kaiserschmarren or even schwarzwälder kirsch torte, witch we call thatn black forest cake.

after lunch or fer sum folks, even durin lunch, ye gut to have visters but twuznt offishul vistin hours. emily wood cum round noon n ifn i had sumthin good fer lunch i mite save her a bite, witch she dint need much fer brakefuss ceptn a chants to smoke n have sum tea, witch she had to settle fer black tea n no ice since twuz immpossbull to git ice n our lil fridgerator dint have no freezer. she lacked thar puddin n i generly had a piece of bread lef over, so i reckon she gut her furst meal frum my leftovers while i wuz in that hospitull.

after my surgry they kep me so hopped up on painkillers that purty much all i dun wuz sleep, witch that had to be hard on emily ceptn that food lady give her my hole lunch, witch then she gut her a big brakefuss. but in a cuple days i could stay awake n then they gut me to walkin as far as the balcony where i could sit with emily n friedrich while they rolled up cigarettes n smoked em one rite after a nuther.

friedrich wood brang a book over to the balcony, witch that wuz good on a counta me n emily had lots to talk about n he dint speak no english. mane thang we had to discuss wuz how she wuz so deepressed. she wuz wurried bout money. she dint have nuthin to do. she wuz a german histry major, but the mane thang she had larnt on the trip wuz how folks called em germs n she could see why on a counta she dint lack it thar n dint much lack the germs n wunderd whut had she dun with her life. she wunderd  wuz we ever gonna git settled n live in a place whar we could jes relax n be happy? i unnerstood how hard life wuz n couldnt really argue agin her points much tho the same hardness bout life gut me a lil eggcited whar she turnt sad by it. she kindly wished she could go back to amurka, but she knew i couldt n wouldt go n she dint wont no deevorce.

then whenever she went back home n finely fell asleep, she wood cummence havin all these bad dreams whar awful thangs wood happen: i wood turn into duane or leave her or make luv to a nuther woman rite in frunt of her or she wood git chased by strangers n surrounded or  lock herself outta our apartment buildin at nite with sumbidy chasin her. aint much ye could say bout such cumplaints ceptn to say em back so ye kin proov ye unnerstan n thats purty much all i dun so i could jes keep her a'talkin. long as i could hold my tongue bout how eggcitin life wuz n how thangs wuz all gonna turn out all rite, she generly perked up n gut happy agin by time she had to leave of a evenin.

at five on the dot, they brund us our abendbrot, witch that means 'evenin bread' wurd fer wurd n tiz whut we call supper. they would brang ye baloney n salami n sliced ham n bread n cheese n sumtimes fruit ifn ye hadnt reported makin a stuhlgang that day. sumtimes thay wuz puddin. after that ye gut sum of them teas i wuz discussin befor n then folks wood read or watch tv till they brung ye yer schlaffsmittel, witch that means wurd for wurd sleep stuff but tiz a sleepin pill jes the same.

that dint mean i wood ever sleep the hole nite thru. i hadnt never dun that one time the hole time i had been in west germany, but i wood git thru the nite sum kinda way. i never tole emily how i dun a lotta wurryin at nite. i dint thank our inshurants cumpny wood pay the hole bill n i knew we dint have no money. they had splained how i woodnt be gittin out that furst weekend lack we speckted n i hid the news from emily till fridy, but it kep me wurried at nite. i wood wunder could i sell my blood over thar or could i mayhap git sumbidy to publish crap notes n git money that way, only i dint have no high hopes.

but no matter whut, seem lack i wuz sleepin fine whenever that krankenschwester bust thru the door in the mornin to shout, 'guten morgen.' then a nuther day wood start n purty soon i wuz climbin stairs n then cum the day i could take a visit over to the apartment.

twuz such a sprize fer emily n made her so happy that she cried only happy tears fer once. fer a lil while we fergut how we dint have a nuff money n had more wurries than we could both thank bout at the same time. i wuz tired frum all the rehab on a counta even jes walkin wuz hard n tuckerd me out. i wonted a real bath n couldnt git one. she wuz jes as wore out frum wurry as i wuz frum rehab. the place wuz a mess with cloze all over to whar ye couldnt find the floor. thay wuz cigarette butts n ashes all over. but we wuz so happy we could bust.

she wonted to lay with me n look at my wound n see fer herself wuz i ok. she kep inspecktin down thar till we wuz a huffin n puffin frum makin luv as keerful as ye kin do n i dint git injured even tho twuz a lil on the painful side. then we kissed n hugged till we wonted to doot agin only we knew we shouldnt take the risk but we did innyway. then she walked me back n we kissed agin n that nite i had to masterbait jes to git to whar i could sleep.

n sleep i did, finely, clear thru without even rollin over far as i kin tell. i dint even hear that krankenschwester when she hollered, 'guten morgen.' no, whut woke me wuz hearin a sound that made me feel lack i had jes been born n wuz startin all over, witch that made sense on a counta i wuz really gittin better n all our wurries n woes wood turn to nuthin. but i dint know it then. i only knew a nuther day wuz dawnin on a counta how that krankenschwester wuz hollern, 'frische luft!'

life of buddy don, chaptur 95:
furchtbar schmerzen!

by late august, me n emily wuz gittin a lil despert fer our money. we couldnt git no anser from the folks at das experiment bout the dm700 they owed us back n we couldnt git the d-a-a-d to let us know when the dm200 we wuz eggspecktin to hep us git started wood cum. corse, we made our share of miss takes with whut lil money we did have.

fer instunts, ever saturdy mornin on tuther side of the main river, jes south of sachsenhausen they had a 'flohmarkt,' witch thats a flea market in english. they had em all kinda thangs thar, but thonly thangs me n emily wuz innerested in wuz books. so on august the 18th, our second saturdy livin at the apartment on ginnheimer strasse, we walked cross town toot n leafed thru mos ever book they had till i gut a two volume set of friedrich nietsche name of werke, witch that means works, n twuz a colleckshun of minny of the thangs he had writ. it cost us dm9,95, but we bof figgerd twuz wurth it on a counta how we had cum thar sos i could study flossofy n he wuz one of the major ones ye wonta study. sides that, it give me a chants to find out could i read flossofy in german, witch the anser wuz i could but verr slowly n sorta half way readin the dickshunerry at the same time. emily found a german version of a novel by one of her faverts, witch twuz agatha christie n the novel wuz called elefanten vergessen night, witch twuz one of her wurst even if it did have hercule poirot in it n ifn ye were readin it in english twooda been elephants can remember. thatn only costs us dm5.

we wuz happy bout whut we had n eager to git back n do see could we stretch the lil money we had lef by then, witch ceptn fer a lil money lef over in the bank fer after we had dun paid the rent, we only had a lil bettern dm20 in cash, so we woodnt be able to buy much. but whut we dint figger on wuz how everthang closes down on saturdy at sumtime round noon or one o'clock. by time we made it to the local buy palace, twuz closed. twuz a bitter disappointment n sumthin we wood half to larn agin n agin till we finely gut it thru our thick skulls. ye dint have no other choice but to git everthang ye needed fer the weekend by noon on saturdy, lessn ye had a nuff money to eat out, witch we dint have hardly a nuff to eat in.

i reckon ye mite wood say we wuz lucky that the chicken soup i had made on thursdy could still be et without gittin sick. we also had sum bread, witch thang bout thar bread wuz ye couldnt hardly find it innywhar but in these lil bakery places n far as we could tell, they hadnt discoverd sliced bread yet n ye couldnt hardly find white bread either, witch we larnt to lack this bread name of roggenbrot, witch that means rye bread. thang wuz, the furst day on that bread twuz rite tasty, but by the second day, twuz gittin stale, n by the thurd, ye couldnt hardly eat it. whut we had lef wuz frum thursdy mornin n twuz gittin rite hard.

but we had to eat, so i warmed up the soup on one of the hot plates n cut sum of that bread into lil squares n put it into each bowl of soup to let em git a lil soft n grated a lil of our cheese n put over top of it n called it brakefuss or lunch or dinner, accordin to whenever we wuz eatin it. we drunk nuthin but water or mayhap a lil tea, but we dint have no ice, witch twuz harder on emily than innythang to have to git by with no ice tea.

durin the nex week, we deecided to put the res of our money into food, only we saved a nuff to git a loaf of bread on saturdy mornin. othern that, we bought the cheepest thangs we could find, witch twuz rice n taters n a lil more cheese n the kinda vegtubulls emily wood eat, witch they couldnt be green lessn they were green beans, witch that mean we bought a mess of carrots n corn n beans. bout the time thursdy mornin cum along, we wuz rite sick of the same stuff ever meal, witch i tride to mix thangs up, n we dun our bes to treat ourself to a new loaf of bread ever two days. but that dint make no nevermind n we wuz hungry fer sumthin differnt.

then we gut letters from our mamas, bofem comin on thursdy, n in hers wuz a $20 bill, witch ye could swap that fer near dm35 n we felt so rich that we went down to a used book store they calls a antiquariat n spent dm15 to buy sum more agatha christie, this time in english since they dint have nun in german. we stocked up on tubacka fer emily by gittin two pouches n papers at once. then we figgerd whut we had lef, witch twernt much, but twuz a nuff to git us thru till mundy, n ifn we dint git nun of our money by then, we deecided we wood git sum outta the bank jes to git by.

corse, thats jes whut we had to do since thay wuznt no way to git them germs to do much till they all cum back frum thar august vacayshun n even then thar wuz a lil lag time. but we streched thangs a nuff to pay our rent fer september n had us a purty good stock, lease of rice, n we knew our stumachs woodnt cumplain even ifn our tasters wuz tired of it.

we dint thank thangs could git no wurser, but they could. i noticed i wuznt able to git my bowels to move fer the longes. i musta gone near two weeks without gittin much to cum out. thang wuz, i dint feel constipated, n when i wuz gittin despert, we bought a can of sour crout, witch ye know crout juice is good fer gittin thangs movin n the germans is masters of sour crout, but even tho whut i could squeeze out wuz sof, i couldnt hardly git nuthin to move.

i member how i wuz a'strainin to git sum satisfackshun n i happent to look down at my belly n wuz i ever sprized to see a huge bulge at the bottom end of my belly. twuz biggern two fangers n run frum rite near my hip to right near my crotch. i knew sumthin wuznt rite so i hollerd fer emily to cum look n she did n i could see whar she wuz wontin to cry, but she dint. she wuz good in a crisis n she could spot one quicker mos innybidy.

she sed she figgerd twuz a hernia n i sed i couldnt agree more n we bof knew thangs wuz at a awful pass. furst thang she dun wuz count up our money, all of it, bof in n outta the bank, includin a dm20 she had hid in a book without a'tellin me, witch twuz a habit of hern to hide money in books fer a rainy day. she calculated we had dm53 all told, but she wuz a'gone raise sum holy hell with them d-a-a-d folk n ifn she had to, she wuz a'goin to mainz on foot to git our money back frum das experiment. but even she knew that wuznt much of a plan on a counta i wuz a'gonna half to have a operayshun n thay wuznt no way ye could pay fer that with no dm1.000, witch thats how ye rite 1,000 in german on a counta how them germans dun used up thar comma fer the decimal place n dint have nuthin lef to seperate thousands ceptn a period. when ye put that into dollars, dependin on the day, ye mite git $600 or so.

bout the time all these stubburn facks hit home, when it looked lack thar wuznt nuthin that could be dun, the dam burst n emily cride lack never befor, so loud that frau seykova could hear n bein as curyas as inny human, she knocked on our door. mayhap twuz a coincidents on a counta the reason she sed she wuz cummin by wuz to ast us why we wuz usin so much water. wuz we takin baths moren twice a week? twuz sumthin bof me n emily foun a lil strange. everday we lived thar, frau seykova wood git a big bucket of hot water n wash all the stairs by hand. then she wood git a nuthern n rinse em off. so ye had to wonder why she wood be cumplainin bout us takin baths everday.

since emily wuz crine to hard to talk, i tole frau seykova how we tuck a bath everday. she tole us how twuznt healthy to do that, but the hole time, she couldnt keep frum lookin frum me to emily n back lack she wonted to know whut had i dun to make the tears flow the way they wuz a doin. emily wonted to talk, but she wuz sobbin so hard that thar jes wuznt no way fer her to git a wurd out.

so i splained the situwayshun to frau seykova n she ast wuz it a bruch, witch i figgerd that meant 'break,' n i sed twuz a hernia n went lookin fer my dickshunerry, whar i found out a bruch is whut them germs calls a hernia. bout then emily wuz under cuntrol agin n she splained how i couldnt take a dump, witch that riled me a lil on a counta it dint seem to be nuthin we had to tell frau seykova, but she sed it had to be 'ein bruch' n i sed i reckond probly wuz one after all but splained how i wuznt no docter n couldnt be certain. she ast to see it, so i pulled my pants down jes a nuff to let her see the bulge.

'gott in himmel!' she sed n off she went in german so fast we could hardly keep up but the point wuz i wuz a'gonna half to git a operayshun, witch as quick as she sed that, emily gut to crine agin. i almos laffed whenever frau seykova turnt to her n tole her to dry her eyes on a counta i wuz a'gone need her to be strong. thang is, emily dun it! then frau seykova tole her to cum with her. i wonted to follow long, but frau seykova tole me i wuznt to climb no stairs n she lived on the top floor.

turnt out back in hungary she had been a krankenschwester, witch wurd fer wurd that means 'sick sister' but it means nurse jes the same n she knew whut she wuz a'doin. she give emily a list of instruckshuns bout whut i wuz spozed to do n she called over to the hospital, witch lucky fer us thay wuz one rite cross the street. they cum back direckly n emily started splainin whut we had to do, witch we wuz spozed to go cross to the hospital n splain how i wuz hurtin, witch frau seykova innerupted to say i wuz to scream, 'furchtbar schmerzen, furchtbar schmerzen!' witch that meant terrbull pain. then emily tride to splain how i wuz spozed to hold onto myself down thar n scream sumthin, witch frau seykova tuck over agin n put her hand down to the same place on her bidy n demonstrated whut she sed i had to do n she woodnt rest till i gut to sayin it to satisfy her.

she splained that ifn i dint doot rite, they mite not git how serious twuz.  so i dun it, put my hand down near my crotch n gut to shoutin: furchtbar schmerzen!

sehr gut! she sed finely n we lef, only we dint wonta go on a counta how wuz we spozed to pay fer it? we figgerd we wood take a walk n then cum back home n hope she wuz finely mindin her own bizness by then.

but frau seykova cum out n cummenced to sweepin the walk in frunt of the buildin, so we crossed the street to the lil park in frunt of that hospital, hopin we could tarry long a nuff till she went back inside, but she wuz onto us, n nex thang ye know, here she cum, a huffin n a puffin lack crazy, broom tucked neath her arm lack twuz a shotgun. she grabbed emily by the arm n yanked her tords the hospital frunt door. i dint know whut to do so i follerd till we wuz nearly thar. she wheeled roun n ast me had i dun fergot whut i wuz spozed to do?

so i put my hand down to my crotch n started hollerin: furchtbar schmerzen! furchtbar schmerzen! furchtbar schmerzen!

life of buddy don, chaptur 94:
home in a box

tiz odd how yer hole way of thankin changes once ye have a place of yer own. befor we found that lil box of a place to live, frankfurt wuz a cold n awful place. the folks wuz greedy, grabby n rude as could be. ye couldnt hardly git thru a three hour stretch without sumthin happenin to make emily cry.

then we gut that lil apartment, the 10 foot by 10 foot cubickull 'mit kuhlschrank, bad und parkplatz,' witch that mint the place had its own bathroom n that kuhlschrank thang that i dun splained wuz a tiny fridgerater with two hot plates n a sank. ye mite could thank twuz no big thang to have a bathroom, but thay wuz plenty of places we herd bout whar ye had to go outside yer apartment to take a bath or even jes to pee or take a dump. as fer the 'parkplatz,' since we dint have no car, that dint make much sense to us tho twood cum in handy by n by.

innywho, once we gut the keys to the frunt door of the buildin n the frunt door of the lil box, we gut rite to cleanin it up. twuz infested with cockroaches, witch we wuznt never able to git em out cumpletely, but lucky fer us, they dint lack to be a round when we wuz n they purty much kep to thar hidin places ceptn at nite whenever we wuz out. ye could here em scramblin to hide whenever we cum home after dark. ever so often i wood try killin em all n we mite not see one fer a week or so, but they wood always cum back.

one sprize wuz how thay wuznt no closet in the place, so that meant we had to go buy us one, witch we found a cheep thang made of aluminum frame with a plastick cover that ye had to stretch round it. ye gut in n out of it usin a zipper. it give us a place to store sum of them soots mama bought me n to hang up emilys dress, witch she wuz smart a nuff to brang jes the one.

we also had to git sumthin to cook with n that led to a fuss n fite on a counta emily hated spendin money moren innythang. she went along with the closet, but when i sed we should git sum pots n pans n dishes n eatin utensils, ye wooda thought i wuz astin to spend our money on a rollex watch. i won thatn by calculatin whut twood cost to eat at the cheepest place we could fine, witch that wood be macdonalds. we could git out of thar with our bellies full fer dm8 - dm10, but ifn we et thar ever meal thar, we wood spend much more on food than on rent.

so she give in on it n we went to the local kaufhof, witch that means buy palace, n bought stuff: (1) a pan with a lid; (2) a pot that could use the same lid; (3) two dishes n two cups n two glasses n two soup bowls; (4) two forks, two knives n two spoons; (5) a spatula; (6) a big spoon sos ye could stir a stew; (7) a chefs knife witch that one cost a nuther fuss n fite; (8) sum dish washin detergent; (9) a sponge; n (10) a lil more food than ye could git into our lil fridgerator, witch twuz hard to bleeve they could call sumthin a fridgerator that wuz so small ye couldnt git a lil turkey to fit inside, not that we ever tried, but ye git the idee bout how tiny twuz.

once we had dun that, we went to the hauptbahnhof n gut the res of our stuff, witch that wuz the trunk of stuff i brought n her tv. once we gut home, we tuck to fitin bout how she wonted to plug in that tv. she had a lil adapter thang to make it possbull to plug it into thar outlet on a counta they had misshapen outlets in the wall whar ye couldnt git a reglar plug in. ye had to have a plug made of two lil round posts, witch she had bought this adapter thang in looseburg that ye could plug in yer reglar plug on one end n have them lil round posts on tuther. i tole her twood kill the tv ifn we plugged it in but she sed she had dun ast the fella that sold her the thang n he promissed twood do no harm. i pointed out how it sed rite on the piece of cardboard the rapped round the adapter how ye ought not use it fer pluggin in a tv, but she sed she had dun ast about that. i sed twuz her tv so she could do whutever she wonted.

our apartment wuz on the ground floor n lucky fer us, the window on it swung out lack a giant door sos ye could use it to git into the concrete yard they had out back. frum thar ye could git to the dumpster, witch i dun jes that whenever that tv gut fried n she agreed thay wuznt no hope of gittin it to wurk agin on a counta how sum parts had melted.

ye mite could be thankin how emily wuznt tuff a nuff fer the thangs we wuz a'gone thru, but ye wood be rong. in my life long observayshun of folks i have noticed how the ones that cries n cumplains the mos is the ones that survives. when ye cunsidder all we wuz a'goin thru, she dint cumplain much, tho her tears wuz easy to flo. she carrd her own luggage. she add mitted twuz stupid to kill the tv. she never cumplained bout eatin the same thang ever nite, witch fer the longes twuz fried taters n bread n cheese or eethur a stew that i wood make n we wood keep eatin fer days. she give up marlboros n tuck to rollin her own cigarettes on a counta twuz about 1/4 the price. she gut a plan bout how she wuz a'gone git a job at a army base, witch she tried that but twuznt to be.

she had good reason fer wontin that job on a counta our money wuz verr low. by time we had bought all the stuff we needed to hang up our cloze n cook a meal, we wuz down to jes dm500 in the bank, witch dm360 of that wuz fer the nex rent. we had maybe dm80 in cash. nex time we wood git paid wuznt september furst lack i thought, but october furst.

whar had all our money gone? we had to spend mos of it on the house of youngns n eatin out befor we could cook but speshly on kautions or deposits. ye had yer staatwerk kaution fer gas n electrick. ye had to pay the po-leece, witch they call em polizei, dm60 each fer a aufenthaltserlaubnis or residence permit. mayhap thar wuz other fees that i dun fergot. innywho, we wuz near broke n had a munth n a half to go till our next pay.

but we had sum money we wuz hopin to cum back to us. whenever we wuz plannin the trip, we sined on fer sumthin they call das experiment, witch the idee wuz we wood git to live with a real german fambly. only problem wuz they woodnt let ye move in till the middle of october, witch that wuz too late. we had sent em dm700 befor they splained when we could git thar. they also dint splain how the closest place we could git a fambly to take us in wuz in mainz, witch twuz a train ride fer dm5,10 to git thar, so twernt sumthin we could use. we wuz also specktin dm200 frum the d-a-a-d, witch they had promissed us that money sos we could use it a'gittin started.

on top of that, we wuz bof sick. i hadnt had much asthma fer years, but frankfurt wuz so polluted that it seemed i wuz on the verge of a attack mos evertime i tuck a breath. she gut a sinus infeckshun n purty soon i had it too. we dint have our health insurance yet, but we did git us sum medicine fer asthma name of columba that dint take no perscriptshun n turnt out to be bettern whut i gut in amurka.

befor we found that, i had a bad attack one nite, bad a nuff to wake us bof up. thay wuznt much we could do, but emily membered how walkin hepped, so she gut rite up n made me git dressed n we insisted we take a walk. i add mitt i dint wont to on a counta how the asthma had dun made me tired. but she woodnt take no fer a anser, so went walkin in the middle of the nite.

we walked to the hauptbahnhof n then up to die englische brueke n then cross the city. we saw all the nite peeple out, sum of em in bars whar folk wuz wearin leather n a'carryin whips. near the hauptbahnhof, we walked past porn shops whar they had pitchers rite in the winder wurse than inny 'axe murder' pitcher oscar clowder ever cum up with. mos everthang ceptn them bars wuz clozed. twuz quite, almos spooky, but we wuz sprized at how safe everthang felt. ye wood thank twood be a lil dangers to be out a'walkin in a big city lack that, but we saw ole women walkin to the train a'carryin thar bags, or famblies cumin frum the train, children trailin behind. we wuz tole to be keerful, but we dint see nuthin that scared us.

twuz a verr long walk but i gut to whar i could breathe ok agin n we made our way home. we gut back as the dawn wuz brakin. we wuz bone tired. but we cum in to that tiny place, clozed n locked the door, n gut down on that foam rubber couch/bed n snuggled up. emily wuz snorin by time i wuz feelin cumfterbull. i could see the lite or mornin cumin round the edges of the winder. i felt warm n wuz breathin easy.

i member it well, even now, that feelin: twuz the feelin of home, of bein in our place, our lil home in a box.

life of buddy don, chaptur 93:
ich bin auch aus

i gut to frankfurt west germany on thursdy, august 2, 1979. emily gut thar near a week later on windsdy, august 8. i wuz up early since it seemed lack i couldnt hardly sleep normal times n wuz awake mos ever hour or so. corse i wuz at the airport a'waitin fer her to cum thru, n whenever i finely saw here agin, twuz lack christmus n birthday n jackpot all at once. we had us a real good mint huggin n kissin n all.

then she ast whar did we live. twuz one of the wurse momints yet on a counta i had to tell her we wuz a'stayin at the house of youngns in sachsenhausen, witch furst thang she ast wuz whuther twuz in frankfurt or whar wuz it? i splained how twuz a toursty seckshun of frankfurt but part of frankfurt, jes across die englische bruecke, witch thats the same bridge mark twain rote about in his essay the awful german langwage whar he claimed ye could rite a sentence frum one end of the bridge tuther without givin away whut wuz happenin in the sentence since the mos importunt part of the verb wuz held till the las.

i wuz kindly hopin the refernts to mark twains essay wood make her happy, but i dint hardly git to whar the verb wooda been ifn ida been talkin german befor she wuz crine. i tole her thangs wuz hard here n that mos everthang wuz closed on a counta it bein august, witch even tho she wuz a german historian, nobidy hadnt never mentchuned to her how the germans takes august fer thar vacayshun.

that made her cry all over agin, but i paid my 50 pfennings to pee n ducked into a stall whar i stole her sum toilet paper so she could blow her nose. then i loded up her thangs on one of them carts n gut her to the train so we could git to the hauptbahnhof in frankfurt. she couldnt know how minny miss takes i hepped her to miss makin on a counta i had dun made so minny. fer instunts, i dint bother takin nuthin we dint need to the house of youngns. i wuz sprized how she had brung a tv n a converter with her, but i dint say nuthin. twuz a differnts twixt us, how she lacked to watch tv n i dint much care fer it.

innywho, thay wuz more tears reddy to fall whenever we checked in at the house of youngns n she larnt we woodnt be able to shar the same room n that we wood be plunkin down dm10,10 fer each of is ever nite, witch in germany they use commas whar we wood use periods whenever thar ritin down thar prices fer thangs n sted of usin a dollar sign, since they aint gut no sign fer thar money, they half to put 'dm' fer doytch mark ever time. bout the time she gut her eyes dry n sed she wonted to take a shower, i tole her she wood half to wait till they allowed em agin, witch ye couldnt git one past 10 am n had to wait till 4 pm fer em to open agin. that wuz hard a nuff, but when she noticed i wuz buyin a exter token sos she could git her one today on a counta the free token wuznt good till nex day, them tears cum out agin.

she gut herself up into her room on a floor that wuz fer women only n then we tuck a walk sos we could start lookin fer a place. corse our luck wuznt no better than mine had been, n purty soon we wuz sittin on a bench on the sachsenhausen side of the main river with her in my lap a crine her eyes out n wipin em on my collar. thay wuznt nuthin ye could say till one of my laigs fell asleep n then i sed i needed to walk a bit. sides, we wuz almos late fer lunch, witch they give ye three meals at that house of youngns ifn yer thar fer em, witch mos folks skips lunch.

they wuz servin sumthin we hadnt never had befor, witch twuz sumthin called 'linse suppe' n bread n apple juice. twuz almost impossibull to eat n we wunderd whut twuz. i had my langensheits dickshunerry with me n looked it up, but it dint tell us much on a counta we hadnt never herd of lentils befor. we et all we could stand n filled up on bread n butter n apple juice.

then we had a lil bit of good luck. try as she mite, n mayhap she had dun give up trine, emily couldnt stop crine n that gut the tenchun of a fella name of helmut frum bayern, witch thats the real name of bavaria. he wuz a true gentleman n the furst german we had met who dint insist on speakin english with us. he had to add mitt how he dint ever larn english on a counta he wuz a german n dint wonta go to no amurka nor england neethur. he could speak him a smatterin of french n italian n dutch n english, but jes whut he called 'taxi sprache,' witch that means taxi langwage n taxi wuz one of the bonus wurds ye git in german thats the same in bof langwages. he splained a lot bout how thangs wurked n showed us whar we should be lookin in the papers fer folks advertisin thar apartmints. he splained how thay aint no reason to go to no immobilienmacher till yer had dun found yer place. turnt out to be a verr useful bit of info.

then he dun sumthin i aint never fergot on a counta how twuz one of them deeds of kindness ye dont see that much. he tuck us out fer a real dinner, sumthin he sed wood be 'typisch deutsch,' witch thats pronounced toopish doytch n means typical german. we had sum kinda noodles with meat n fried tater pancakes n salad n bread n a bottle of wine he insisted on buyin. whenever he gut to orderin deesert, we tole him all along we couldnt afford no such meal, but he woodnt here nuthin we sed bout it. we ast fer his address sos we could pay him back whenever we gut a lil money, but he sed he woodnt take no money. he ast us to member how he had hepped us n mayhap sumday we could hep sumbidy jes lack he had dun. he wood cunsidder that payback. nex day he wuz gone befor we gut up.

that day wuz a wasted one, but we cummenced a'usin helmuts method n the day after that, witch twuz fridy, we foun a place on ginnheimerstrasse, witch strasse is a street n ginnheimer is the name of thatn. they wuz a fella livin thar frum iran name of gomez on a counta how his daddy had moved to iran frum argentina. he wuz rite nice n tole us we mite could have the apartmint only since twuz so small, witch twuz 10 feet by 10 feet with a tiny lil bath n whut they calls a 'kuhlschrank' that wuz combinayshun frigerator, sink n a cuple hot plates that tuck up a bit of one corner, thay mite be a problem. turnt out thay wuz a rule bout how only one person could live thar, but he sed he wood hold it open till tuesdy to give us a chance to go by the immobilienmacher n see if thay wuz innyway to git the rule bent a lil.

we spent the weekend trine to be happy n see sum sites, but i cant member doin nuthin but wurry bout whuther we wuz a'gone be able to git that apartmint. finely mundy cum n we went to the immobilienmacher. twuz as humillyatin a eggsperients as i ever had, but when we showed the man how we had cash money n wuz reddy to give it n to sine a piece of paper bout how we wuz happy to live thar, he let us have it. corse, he tuck dm720 frum us fer kaution or security deposit, n that dint leave us much.

but we dint cumplain. in sted, we set out walkin cross the city till we gut to ginnheimerstrasse n rang the bell fer herr gomez. he let us in n tole us he had held it n we could move in the nex day. he innerduced us to frau seykova, witch she wuz the woman who tuck care of the buildin. she cum frum hungary n she dint hardly bleeve two folk wuz wontin to live in such a tiny space, but whenever we insisted, she ast whar wood we sleep? we dint have no anser, but herr gomez cum to the rescue, splainin how he wuz a'gone leeve the couch he wuz usin fer us to sleep on. turnt out that couch wuz really jes two flat piece of foam rubber bound up in a ugly orange n red cloth n ye could spread it out to make a bed that wood take up mos of the room.

finely frau seykova wuz satisfide that the crazy amurkins wonted the place n she give it her blessin. after she lef, we shuck hands with herr gomez n tole him how nice he had been. we ast him why he had dun it on a counta he coulda gut sumbidy else to rent the place in sted of waitin fer us. he laffed n sed we wood unnerstand soon a nuff.

we ast whut he mint, n he sed sumthin that meant he wuz also a forner: ich bin auch aus.

life of buddy don, chaptur 92:
blind hillbilly in a land of germs

lots of the folks i wood meet in whut they lacks to call the ex-pat communty over thar in frankfurt west germany wood refer to the germans as 'germs.' twuz speshly true whenever ye went on a lil 'blitzreisen' or quick trip to sum other cuntry lack italy or france n thar them germ wood be in packs with thar money belts roun thar wastes n sum kinda guide a'givin em a lil educayshun bout whut they wuz a'seein. tiz a ugly wurd, i know, n duz eggzackly whut my daddy sed such ugly wurds duz, witch they change a persun to a thang, but we wuz trine to survive n whenever ye run into sumbidy who could unnerstan yer frustrayshuns, ye wernt lackly to cut to conversayshun on a counta them callin germans 'germs.'

i spent everday frum early till late trine to git set up so emily woodnt face no terrbull hardships whenever she arrived, but twuznt to be. fer one thang, twuz august n mos everbidy wuz out sumwhar on vacayshun. fer a nuther, i wuz mitey sprized to find that the folk in frankfurt, at lease, the ones with money that is, wuz as close to the awful stereotype of jews as inny deepickshun ye ever seen cum out of vienna roun the turn of the centry: ever whar ye turnt, they wuz graspin fer money. ifn ye dint have nun or dint have a nuff, ye were treated verr bad. twuz a shock n mayhap twuz only sumthin to do with the diffculty of gittin started, but i couldnt hep but find myself thankin i had never met nor herd tell of inny real jew acktin the stereotype out as well as them germans wuz a'doin.

sum eggzamples: when i gut up the furst day, i larnt ye had to pay fer use of the shower only ye gut this lil token with yer room that wuz good fer six mints of water. i had fergot to brang soap n shampoo, n ye had to buy that, witch ye mite speck em to have them lil thangs of soap n shampoo lack they do in amurka, but thay jes wuznt nuthin free atall. ye had to pay to pee. ye had to pay to git eine tute, witch thats whut we call a shopping bag, whenever ye went to buy yer shampoo n soap. thang wuz, ever inch of ground wuz cumpletely under cuntrol n ifn ye wonted inny thang atall, ye had to pay fer it.

but that wernt thonly sprize i run into. one night i shard my room with three polish students. they could all speak good english n german n since i wuz amurkin, they woodnt thank of testin my german, try as i mite to git em to. they wuz fascinated with my cuntry n they wonted to know three main thangs: (1) wuz it true that folks in amurka made jokes about polish folk bein stupid? (2) wuz it true that folks wood by gigantic gas-guzzlin cars? (3) wuz it true that gas only cost 1/4 as much in amurka as in europe.

i wuz a lil ashamed to admit all three of em wuz true, but thar reackshun sprized me. corse they wuz miffed that amurkins wood make jokes bout em, but they figgerd twuz better to be noticed than not. lease we wuznt makin jokes about 'the negro,' rite? i splained that ye could git the punch line to mos inny joke that used 'polack' by usin 'nigger.' i speckted they wood find that a lil insultin, but they seemed happy bout it. they lacked the idea of black folk jes fine n felt lack they wuz bein complimented by bein put into the same group. as fer thar other two questchuns, when i sed twuz true, i figgerd twood upset em. fack is, they started talkin thar own lingo with each other lack crazy soon as i sed i figgerd twuz about rite, only i had a lil truble figgern it fer shore on a counta how we used gallons n they use leeters, but i figgerd twuz close a nuff. seemed lack they wuz gittin wurked up, so i finely ast whut wuz they a'sayin, n one of em sed, 'we wonta go to amurka! what a cuntry!'

i also had sum more german roommates, witch they wuz the kind that make ye wonta use the wurd 'germs' to deescribe em. all they could talk bout wuz three mile island n our 20% inflayshun rate n our forn policy n how evil they bleeved amurka wuz. they dint speak no english n twuz impossibull to defend our cuntry with my german, so i couldnt do much of nuthin bout it cept git riled, n then they wuz makin jokes bout how easy twuz to rile yer averidge amurkin. twuz mitey frustraytin.

i spent my days trine to git into whut they call immobilien or real estate offuses sos i could check on gittin us a place to live. twuz awful humiliayshun fer me. furst thang they wonted to know wuz how much money did i have in my bank account, witch thay wuznt much on a counta how i dint have much to put in even ifn i put all of it in. so i couldnt never git past that questchun fer all the days of trine, witch meant thay wuznt no place fer us to live when emily finely gut thar.

but furst, thay wuz other trubles. after i had slep at that house of youngns fer three nites, they announced how ye wood half to move ifn ye dint blong to the club of the haus des jugend or ifn ye had slep thar fer three nites, witch i wuz disqualified fer a nuther nite on bof counts. i dint even know ye could join n i wished i hadda dun it, but twuz too late.  ye couldnt join in time to stay the forth nite, so i had to move.

i ast whar wuz the cheepest place ye could sleep fer a nite n larnt bout a pace name of hubertum, a 'pension,' witch thats the german wurd fer a cheep place to sleep fer a nite. twuznt so cheep neethur: i had to pay 40 of them doytch marks fer the one nite, witch that wuz four times as much as the house of youngns wuz chargin.

i still had all my stuff with me, so i gut to draggin it tords that pension. i hadnt gut a block when these two guys from afghanistan that i had jes met cum up to me. one of em ast did i need inny hep n tuthern gut into a fite with him bout it. by then the furst one had dun tuck my trunk n put it up on his back n picked up one of my two sootcases. they wuz arguin, half in thar lingo, half in english. seem lack the one heppin me wuz happy that we wuz agin the soviets, witch ye mite member how the ussr had dun invaded em roun then. tuthern sed the us n the ussr wuz jes alack n ifn the us had the chants to invade afghanistan, they wooda dun the same thang thar ownself. lucky fer me, the furst guy dint bleeve it n whenever we gut to that pension hubertum, i tride to give im a five doytch mark piece only he woodnt take it. they went off, still arguin, n i never saw neethur of em agin.

that day i went n sined up fer the fambly plan of the house of youngns, witch that meant i could move back in. i kep trine to find a place with no luck n i couldnt even do much on a counta the hole place wuz near shut down. stores in thar vershun of the mall wuz clozed. mos all of them immobilien places wuz clozed. i had dun spent near 200 doytch marks n only had a nuther 1474 lef till we gut our pay frum the d-a-a-d on september furst.

after near a week, i wuz bone tired n near broke n moren a lil scared bout whut wuz a'gonna happen. wurse, emily wuz cumin the nex day. but thay wuz no turning back. that nite, i barely slep. sumbidy tuck my glasses frum rite nex to my bed, but i musta been dozin then. i never gut em back n frum then till i gut a new pair, everthang in frankfurt wuz kindly a blur.

i felt kinda lowdown, lack a blind hillbilly in a land of germs.

life of buddy don, chaptur 91:
rang my bell

one of the longest days of my life wuz the furstn in west germany. fer sum reason, jes as quick as i kissed emily good bye, i gut to thankin bout that day randy fox n i wuz drivin round lookin fer a bag. he had punched up the radio n thar cum on a song that we bof hated, witch twuz a disco song name of 'rang my bell.' it gut in my hed, n no matter how i tride, i couldnt git it out the hole time i wuz travelin frum knoxvull to frankfurt. i figgerd twuz lucky i wuz goin to a nuther cuntry so i could escape thangs lack that n finely git sum real cultchur.

n fack wuz, by time i gut to west germany, i wuz too tired to member much of innythang including that song, witch that wuz a blessin. but that furst day wuz still one of the longest n hardest of my life. heres a few of the steps:

(1) emily drove me out alcoa hiway to mghee-tyson airport n kissed me good bye;

(2) i tuck a delta flight frum thar to chicago, whar i larnt how the plane i wuz on wuz late gittin to chicagos o'hare airport, so i missed my lufthansa flight, witch fer sum reason folks wuz mad at me, but they had to do sumthin, so they put me on a plane name of klm, witch thatn wuz the royal dutch airline;

(3) i had to sit way in the back of thatn in thonly seat lef, witch that made it impossibull to sleep, speshly with that bell a rangin in my hed, but the food n wine wuz grate;

(4) we landed in west germany round 8 am cordin to frankfurt clocks, witch my watch still thought twuz 2 pm on a counta twuz still on knoxvull time;

(5) lucky fer me, they had these lil carts ye could git fer a doytch mark coin, so i loaded up all my stuff on one, witch i had way too much luggidge includin a trunk, two suitcases n my backpack with books n notebooks n my diary;

(6) i had to pee, so i parked that cart near the wc, witch that stands fer 'water closet' on a counta thats how folks used to thank indoor plumbin wuz lack a closet with water whenever they furst cum up with indoor plumbin;

(7) as i wuz peein, a woman cum over rite nex to me so she could make sure i dint make the place dirty, witch twuz so clean ye could eat offn the floor, n i had dun been warned that thay wuz women in the west german bathrooms n that they wood be specktin a tip, so i put a doytch mark coin in her lil plate;

(8) whenever i cum out of the bathroom, sumbidy wuz lookin over my stuff, but they run off the instunt i gut thar n far as i could tell, they dint git nuthin;

(9) i pushed the cart to the train stayshun, witch lucky fer me they had put a train stayshun rite thar at the airport, witch when ye thank bout it ye mite wunder how cum we dont try that more often in amurka;

(10) i gut all my stuff on the train n rode it to whut they call the hauptbahnhof in frankfurt, witch thats whut they call the mane train stayshun ona counta 'haupt' stands fer 'hed' n 'bahn' means 'train' n 'hof' means castle or buildin or whutever n ye mite could notice how them germans luvs to make new wurds by stickin a hole strang of em together with no spaces betwixt em;

(11) my luck held at that thar hauptbahnhof on a counta rite away i found one of them lil carts to rent, so i put all my stuff on it n cummenced scoutin the place fer a clue bout how to git to the johann wolfgang goethe-universitat, witch thays spozed to be two lil dots called a 'umlaut' over the a in universitat, but ifn i put it in twill turn to trash whenever i publish, so ye gone half to magine thays thar;

(12) bought me a map fer ten of my doytsch marks, witch twuz a good map n emily n i used it the hole time we wuz thar, but i still couldnt tell frum it how i wuz spozed to git my stuff frum whar i wuz to whar i wonted to be;

(13) so i tride out a lil of my german n ast a fella at the informayshun place how do ye git to the university? n my luck begun to run out whenever he anserd on a counta how he wuz talkin way too fast n pointin off tords the traffic n he musta give me four paragrafs of instuckshuns outta witch i reckon i only gut the wurd 'durch,' witch thatn means 'thru,' so i looked off in the die reckshun he wuz a'pointin in n shore a nuff, i could see whar thay wuz a tunnel n i figgerd he wuz a'tellin me to go thru it;

(14) found out the cart couldnt git outta the train stayshun on a counta how they had put sum lil gard rails on it that woodnt fit past sum poles they had put rite in the openin, witch twuz a desine flaw far as i could tell, but i tuck my stuff off it n drug it thru the tunnel n cum up on tuther side n found myself on a traffick island with no escape;

(15) drug all my stuff back to the same informayshun fella n used my german to ast him the same questchun n also to splain how i had jes cum frum amurka n could he talk slow a nuff fer me to unnerstan, witch he asnerd that by sayin, 'why didnt ya say so, mac?' a'usin the same accent archie bunker had n turnt out he had dun lived in brooklyn new york fer ten years;

(16) tuck the notes he made showin me how to git to the 'strassenbahn,' witch thats means street train n looks jes lack them trolley cars they used to have in lots of amurkin cities befor they gut rid of em, ceptn the ones in san francisco fer the tourists;

(17) tuck that strassenbahn to whar the university wuz n drug my stuff roun it till i foun a offus that wuz open n went in n started usin my german n splainin my plite, witch they switched to english n told me i had dun cum at the rong time on a counta how twuz august n everbidy wuz on vacayshun so i should cum back in september fer hep, witch that wernt one of the opshuns, so i ast wuz thar innywhar a bidy could sleep fer lil or no money, n he laffed n sed maybe the youth hostel;

(18) drug my stuff back to that strassenbahn n rode back to the hauptbahnhof n drug my stuff to the informayshun fella n ast him how do ye git to the haus des jugend, witch that means house of youngns, n he splained how twuz in a place name of sachsenhausen n showed me how i coulda jes stayed on that strassenbahn n made mayhap one change n gut thar by now, witch i pall gized fer usin his time n gut to draggin my stuff back tords that strassenbahn;

(19) drug my stuff frum the strassenbahn to the youth hostel n gut thar roun 2 pm accordin to frankfurt time;

(20) witch thar i finely gut a bed n made the miss take of trine it out;

(21) woke up roun dusk n deecided twuz time fer me to investigate the town, but furst, i gut a cup of coffee n a place to sit n rote a long entry in my diary trine to splain everthang i had dun been thru.

whut i dint know by this time wuz how luggin all that stuff roun had dun give me a ruptchur of my hernia, but i wood figger thatn out quick a nuff. i made friends with sum of my roommates, witch thay wuz three germans who wuz travelin roun thar own cuntry on thar urlaub, witch thats the wurd them germans use fer vacayshun. we talked fer a while till i tole em i wuz hungry n wonted to know whar could a bidy eat. they tole me they wood take me to thar favert place, witch they also switched to english as quick as they herd my acksent. we walked fer a while till we cum to a macdonalds, witch i tole em i wuz hopin we wood eat in a place that wuz german, witch they wonted to splain how macdonalds wuz german a nuff, but i sed i wuz specktin german food lack vienerschnitzel or sumthin to that affeck. so we tuck a long walk till we found a place that wuz ackceptabull to all n then we et a great meal, cumplete with wine.

after the meal, we went back to the haus des jugend n sed aufwiedersehen, witch thats whut ye say in sted of good bye n it means till we see each other agin, only i never saw em no more on a counta they wuz checkin out the nex day n dun it befor i gut outta bed.

i couldnt sleep rite then. the night wuz warm n beeyootiful. i lacked the way thangs looked in sachsenhausen, witch twuz a tourst trap only i dint know it then. i wuz thankin bout how i wuz in the land of cultchur, reel cultchur, n how i wuz a'gonna here mozart n beethoven n yew name it, cultchurd folk, n see plays with live folks acktin in em n read grate books.

i wuz lookin out frum the frunt of that youth hostel n ye could see rite across the main river, witch they pronounce 'main' as ifn twuz 'mine.' whut do i spot but a lil street fair of sum kind a lil downstream frum whar i wuz. i figgerd i wood walk down n git me a beer n see ifn i couldnt drank in a lil culthur that verr nite.

twuz a bit of a stroll n then i had to figger how to git thar, but that map wuz a goodn so i purty soon found whar i wzu a'goin. thay wuz rides n lil stalls sellin cheap tourst stuff n all. i walked round, gut a beer n found a place whar i could sit by the river. purty soon i hear sumthin familiar: twuz that infernal song, witch ifn ye know bout thatn, ye dun know how tiz as hard to git out of yer hed as one of them carts wuz to git out of that thar hauptbahnhof: rang my bell.

life of buddy don, chaptur 90:
a marrg made in looseburg

i dint have much to do in the summer of 1979 cep wait till me n emily could git marrd n go to west germany, but that wuz hard a nuff. twood a been easier ifn ida been wurkin, but ye dun been told how that went rong. we deecided we wood spend a good part of the waitin times apart, her in looseburg, me in oak ridge, bofus with our famblys, witch that meant she stayed with her her mama maureen mos of the time, but she wood drive to clumbya n stay with pete smith, witch that wuz her dad in case ye dun fergot.

but the grate thang bout time is how twill pass even ifn it runs slow when thar aint much that needs doin, n pass it did till emily could cum fer a visit n to git me to go back with her fer the ackshul event. she wuz cumin in on a fridy fer the weekend n after that, we wuz goin back together fer the marrg.

one of the last thangs i dun befor she gut back wuz spend sum time with randy fox doin whut we had dun a hunnert times befor, witch that wuz to drive roun listnin to musick n lookin fer a bag of theevil weed. corse we wuz talkin over everthang thar wuz in our past n all. i hadnt seen much of him frum the time he had gut marrd to jenny skinner, witch that marrg lasted near two year, but she lef him fer a woman that wurked in a bar in midtown, so randy gut im a deevorce frum her. now he had lots of time.

turnt out he wuz rite sweet on maisie, only by then she had been livin with oscar clowder fer a lil over a year. on that particlar day, a windsdy as i recall it, he wuz verr happy on a counta how maisie had cum to talk to him bout maybe movin out on oscar. he wuz shore he wuz a'gonna git her now.

whenever he wuz talkin bout her, he sed sumthin that i shoulda paid more tenchun to, but ye kin magine how i wuz purty wrapped up in my ownself. but i member it now, witch he sed ifn maisie wuz to go back to oscar he mite have to kill im. i ast him why, but he woodnt say nuthin ceptin he had his reasons. they wuznt never friens to speak of in the furst place n randy lacked to talk bout whut he wuz a'gone do with one of his guns, witch he had a reglar colleckshun of em guns. he even claimed he had im a uzi. so i missed sumthin thar that i wished i hadda caught.

but as he kep sayin, twuz my time, not hisn, n he wonted to git us sum of theevil weed to celebrate with. we had to drive all the way to newport, but he gut a cuple bags almos by acksident on a counta how the price wuz much better, witch it turnt out brew needed a bag, so randy made a lil profit n made brew happy at the same time.

brew wuz about to take lil vacayshun with liza beale, witch she had moved out to the farm by then n that led to brew n me havin mayhap our wurst ever fuss n fite on a counta he had tole me back whenever i wonted to move susannah in with me how thay wuznt no way she could till they had started construckshun on her house n i gut the fuss n fite goin by astin did liza have a house under construckshun? but twuz a foolish fite fer me to pick on a counta i wuznt never gonna live thar no more, witch i dint know that then. sides that, i had dun rented my room to maisie, so i dint have no real cumplaint.

innywho, emily cum on fridy n randy had a lil party fer us at his new apartmint n me n maisie n gretchen n mj drove over n gut thangs goin. a lil later we wuz sprized when maisie had to leave all a sudden sos she could git back to oscars befor he gut home at 11. ye could jes see how mad it made randy fer her to go, but turnt out thay wuznt no way she wuz gonna cunsidder gittin serious bout no randy fox even ifn she did lack how he had lots of good drugs lack percodan.

emily n i spent the nite at randys n then drove to mamas on saturdy. i spent the day gittin the las bits of crap notes reddy to take to the typist, witch ye couldnt do nuthin in this worl that wood impress emily moren that. fer the nex cuple days we run a bunch of errands to git reddy fer the marrg n trip to west germany: (1) gut my blood tested, (2) gut my glasses, (3) gut the title fer the beetle n swapped it over to eli n (4) closed my account at the bank of knoxvull. corse mama had to give emily a bunch of cloze, moren she could ever use. fack is, she never did wear em. that wuz whar we gut the mexican weddin dress, witch ima gone splain that by n by.

then we borrowed daddys care n drove back to looseburg, whar they had a nuther party fer us with pete, as everbidy includin emily called her daddy, n milton n his fambly n the res of the looseburg gang. twuznt inny differnt frum ever other fridy nite thar. lots of cigarretes wuz smoked n everbidy drunk hard till midnite n then we drove pete n milton home, witch jackelin n savannah had dun lef earlier n pete wuz jes too far gone to drive innywhar.

nex day we hepped makin lil horse duvers, as maureen lacked to call em, witch they wuznt nuthin but lil balls of biskit n sausage or celry with creem cheese or olives in a bowl, that kinda thang.

ritin bout them sausage balls reminds me bout how i give up bein a vegetarian whenever we wuz gittin reddy to go to west germany. fer one thang, emily dint have no innerest in eatin no vegetables that she dint have to n she lacked pork chops at lease once a week not to menchun fried chicken n hamburgers n stake now n agin. i tride makin differnt meals with one fer her n a nuther fer me, but twuznt easy to do n sides that, i figgerd since a lot of german cultchur is expressd by the german vershun of sausage, witch they call it a voorst only tiz spelled 'wurst,' then n it made sense to eat sum n git as much of differnt kinds of cultchur frum the eggsperiencts possibull.

that evenin we had the rehearsal dinner, witch thay wuz a slew of folk thar: mama, daddy, brew, pete, maureen, nanny, emilys grandmother n bout eight or ten ants n uncles, randy fox, virgil, mj, jill, donovan, milton, jackelin, savannah, the preechur n his wife (dont member thar names!), emilys cuzin jan n a frien of hers name of patty who wuz maid of honor, witch twuz thonly time i ever seen her, n corse the marrg lady n her husbin, witch thar name wuz aiken.

furst we had the rehearsal, witch thatn went jes fine, but the dinner wuz a nuther thang. twuz held at a place name of cross restrunt, witch twuz the bestn fer miles aroun only twuz meant fer drankers, witch that mint we sat thar drankin n waitin fer our food fer nigh onto two hours. emilys grandmother wuz a diebetick, so she had to have sumthin, n pete n milton bofem gut to bein a lil sloppy drunk n nanny wuz a teetotler n dint lack seein folks git drunk n the preechur had dun give sermuns on the evils of likker n sister had hurt her back so sittin wuz painful.

purty soon thay wuz lil fuss n fites all roun the table till emily couldnt take it no more n broke out crine n run outside. i follerd n ast whut wuz rong n turnt out she wuz blamin everthang on her ownself, speshly the way her daddy wuz acktin. corse maureen follerd me n then here cum pete. sumhow maureen knew jes whut to say to git everbidy more or less happy agin n by then, the food had cum. but emily never fergot how pete embarrsd her at her rehearsal dinner n twuznt till he gut sober that she wood speak to im much.

after the dinner, milton insisted on gittin randy n virgil n brew n me to cum over to his place sos we could drank the nite away. i dint much wonta doot on a counta i wuz dun tired, but we went n even tho we wuz beggin fer the evenin to be over, milton woodnt here of it till near 5 am looseburg time, witch that wood be 6 am in knoxvull. brew had been beggin the hardes to go, so he wuz happy twuz finely over. virgil wuz too drunk to do much ceptn let randy pore him into the back seat. i wuz the closest one to bein sober, so i drove n dropped virgil off at maureens n randy n brew at the rutledge inn, whar they wuz a'stayin.

milton wonted to talk to me sum more so he direckted me to drive out to the graveyard. we found his mamas grave on a counta how he wonted to innerduce me. so thar we wuz, reverntly talkin bout mamas n luv n respeck fer yer fourbears n whut really matters in life n all. by then the burds wuz awake n chirpin lack crazy. twuz gittin gray in sted of black n i wuz bone tired. i felt honored bout how milton wonted to take me thar n tell me bout his high regard fer his mama so i figgerd twuz sumthin wurth doin. jes as thangs wuz gittin to whar he wuz feelin sentimental, he sed, 'goddam!' then he wuz kindly snufflin, or so i thought, so i turnt away to let him be in peace. nex thang i know, hes takin a piss rite thar on his mamas grave. then he tole her bout how he luved her n with that, i wuz finely free to go to the motel.

twernt but three hours after that that milton wuz knockin on the door to git me up. i hadnt hardly slept nun nohow on a counta how i wuz so eggcited bout gittin marrd n goin to west germany. i tuck my shower n gut myself all gussied up in the best of them three piece soots my mama dun bought me n nex thang ye knew, thars virgil n me in the back room of that church with the preechur, waitin fer thangs to cummence. n woodnt ye know it, right then we gut to talkin bout whuther pi is a priori n all n then twuz time to go. as we wuz walkin out, i ast him wuz marrg a priori n he bust out laffin n could hardly hold it fer the hole weddin.

but twernt so fer me. we gut up in the frunt of that thar presbyteryan church a'standin lack we wuz soljers at attenchun while we wuz a'waitin fer the ushers, witch they wuz brew n randy n milton, to git dun settin everbidy down. i wuz verr sprized to see how weird walter had cum on a counta i hadnt even tole him i wuz gittin marrd, but turnt out he lived in clumbya n his mama knew pete n he figgerd he mite as well cum. i wuz jes wunderin how he had gut thar when the organ cummenced playin that weddin march. at that the door opened to let in the brite sunshine n fer a mint ye couldnt see nuthin but a silluwet of emily n pete in the brite lite. then the door closed n yew could see em.

twuz a momint i wont never forgit. emily wuz dressd in a white weddin gown with a veil over her eyes n her hair wuz french braided n she had a lil dab of makeup on. i hadnt never seen her in no dress befor nor with no makeup nor with no braided hair n i hardly knew she wuz so beeyootiful thataway. seemed lack her she wuz a angel n thar wuz tears in my eyes n a lump of luv in my throat till i dint know could i say innythang, even 'i do,' but i musta sed sumtihin on a counta befor ye could say jimmy crack corn, twuz over n i wuz kneelin in frunt of her n pullin off that lil lace garter n pitchin it to randy, witch he had ast me to do that on a counta how he wonted to git marrd to maisie n he figgerd he could use all the hep he could git.

thays this blur of a memry in my mind of that afternoon n the party we had n the peeple we saw n the pitchers that wuz made n the likker that wuz drunk n mos of all how much in luv with emily i wuz. i had been thru a lot, witch ye know ifn ye been readin up to here, but i hadnt never been in luv lack that befor.

nex day we went to nashvull to have our honeymoon, witch we dint do much but see a movie n eat out n then go to the gran ole opry the day after n then over to clumbya so pete could give me a bag of theevil weed. twuz quite a welcum sprize as ye probly magine.

ye mite could have noticed how eli dint cum to the weddin. he gut all upset bout it n went to tell docter koch bout how he felt lack killin hisself. they put im in the vee a hospital thar in nashvull, so i went to see im. i half to add mitt i felt awful guilty bout it fer sum reason.

i brung him a copy of the furst half of either/or by soren kierkegaard.  but even when he wuz verr happy to git that book, that feelin of guilt didnt leeve me. i reckon tiz on a counta i know i wuz partly to blame fer him gittin sick this time. but whut kin ye do? ye gut to live n ifn yer alive, ye mite wonta do well fer yerself n all. it aint that i dun all that grate, but i reckon he wished he coulda finished skool n gut marrd n tuck a trip sumwhars. ye could easy magine how he mite could be jellus of all the tenchun i wuz a'gittin. tiz a hard fack, but ifn ye gut a bruther lack eli, doin innythang good mite hurt im sum kinda way.

that furst visit only lasted maybe fifteen mints, but i went back nex day n we had a better visit. her red me sum thangs frum kierkegaard n sed he wuz happy whar he wuz on a counta he wuz gittin a chance to settle sum thangs up in his mind. we finely had us a hug n sum honest wurds, witch i tole him strate out i luved him, n twuz the furst time i had ever dun that. corse, he had sed it minny a time, but he always sed he wuz crazy so he could say such thangs. i sed i wonted to be crazy lack that n he laffed n sed i dint know whut i wuz sayin n he wuz rite bout that.

me n emily gut marrd on the 21st of july. i wuz in west germany on the 1st of august. that give us jes a nuff time to visit with everbidy, frum nanny in looseburg to her grandmother in the cuntry to eli in the hospital to my fambly in oak ridge to the perfessers in utk. i had to git the res of crap notes to my collidge skolars committee, witch twuz the las thang i dun fer my undergraduwait degree. the nite befor my flite, we stayed downstairs in my old bedroom at mamas n made luv all nite. nex day we went shoppin n gut emily a winter coat n good pair of boots. then we gut our wunderlich money n cunverted it to travelers checks in doytch marks n packed my bags. i tuck a hole trunk full of cloze, witch that wuz a miss take.

emily dropped me off at the ariport in time fer me to git a six o'clock flite, witch it tuck six hours to get thar, but when ye landed twuz 8 am west german time. the idee wuz fer me to git us a place to live n all. she wood be cumin a week later.

twuz the beginnin of a hole new add ventchur, n i dont mean the trip to west germany: twuz the start of the marrg made in looseburg.

pinions of buddy don:
whuts the differnts?

via hobbs cums the news of whar them iraqis dun put them weppons of mass deestruckshun: accordin to sum newspaper in holland, theys in syria!

looks lack we need to do sum wurk on our spy saddlelites! how could we have missed em movin all them weppons, diggin up hidin places fer em, yew name it! after all, frum that state of the union speech bush give back in january of las year, we know thay wuz a heap of thangs to git moved:

(1) "Saddam Hussein had biological weapons sufficient to produce over 25,000 liters of anthrax -- enough doses to kill several million people. He hasn't accounted for that material."

(2) "Saddam Hussein had materials sufficient to produce more than 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin -- enough to subject millions of people to death by respiratory failure."

(3) "Saddam Hussein had the materials to produce as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent. In such quantities, these chemical agents could also kill untold thousands."

(4) "Saddam Hussein had upwards of 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents."

(5) "Iraq, in the late 1990s, had several mobile biological weapons labs."

(6) "Saddam Hussein had an advanced nuclear weapons development program, had a design for a nuclear weapon and was working on five different methods of enriching uranium for a bomb."

(7) "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

mayhap on the way to the moon and mars (registrayshun required), we kin beef up our spy saddlelites a nuff to deteck when so minny thangs is bein moved 400 miles cross a barren desert.

reckon its time to invade syria yet?

meanwhile, provin jes how true the story frum that newspaper in holland really is, the united states has dun deecided thay aint no more reason to be lookin fer no weepons of mass deestruckshun in iraq: "The Bush administration has quietly withdrawn from Iraq a 400-member military team whose job was to scour the country for military equipment, according to senior government officials."

corse, sum folks aint never gonna git it. kin ye magine whut kinda thankin leads to puttin this kinda thang on the frunt page of the washinton post? whut kin they be thankin? iraqs weppons of mass deestruckshun wuz only on paper? so whut? we have to perteck ourself frum folks thats even puttin plans on paper to attack us.

fer instunts, magine ye larn thars sumbidy that hates yew. mayhap one of his kids runs away n cums to tell ye jes how much his daddy hates yew. mayhap he tells ye his daddy has writ down a plan to git the materials together sos he kin build a gun n shoot ye ded. woodnt ye have to kill him? i mean, hes gut the plans to kill ye, jes not the means.

i mean, really: whuts the differnts?

life of buddy don, chaptur 89:
batchler party

once the skool year wuz over, once i had dun graduwaited n emily had made it thru her furst year of grad skool, we deecided to move out of the place at 1300 clinch avenue n spend sum of the summer, our last befor we wuz marrd, with our folks. that means i moved back into mamas on a counta how i had dun rented my room at the farm to maisie. corse, i had figgerd on wurkin at deathtrap n savin a lil money but lack i splained a cuple chapturs ago, that dint wurk out.

my folks wuz happy bout it mosly. daddy wonted us to spend sum time up on obed river, so me n daddy n brew n roena mays husbin jim coates went up fer a cuple days fishin n campin. i spent a lot of time drivin roun with eli n listnin to his favert group the stranglers, speshly the album black and white n smokin way too much of theevil weed. i saw susannah now n then, jes as friens. her new home wuz built n she had moved in with her new boyfrien, witch fer sum reason, she never innerduced us n i barely member if his name wuz frank or tom. virgil n i had sum marathon argumints bout pi bein a priori or not.

in sum ways, that summer wuz wasted. i tride to git sumthin new goin to replace the hole lef whenever i finished riting crap notes, but i dint couldnt git myself to do much of nuthin. i larnt sumthin bout myself then that i have been wishin wuznt true ever since. tiz that i cant seem to git much dun ifn i have time to do much. ifn i dont have hardly no time lef to rite in my diary or wurk on a novel or whutever, then i use whut lil time i gut verr well. over the years i dun writ plays n screenplays n other novels n such, but never when i had time to do much. even now, fer the ritin of my verr own life n pinions, i cant hardly git nuthin writ over a weekend n tiz even wurser whenever i git time off. as tiz, ifn ima wurkin 11 or 12 hour days, then i wake up bout 4 am with this idee that i need to git up n git reddy fer wurk n do a lil ritin. mayhap i git a hour or two fer that befor i leave fer wurk n since thay aint no other time to rite, i doot rite then.

i later herd a tale bout geoffrey chaucer, witch hes the fella who wrote the canterbury tales. i never could figger if whut i wuz tole wuz true (i cant find a refernts to it nowhar), but the way it went wuz how he had to wurk mos of his life. durin that time, he writ his majur wurks. finely he wuz able to retire frum wurk, but he never rote nuthin that matterd agin. so by time i herd thatn, i gut to be a lil nicer to myself bout how i couldnt git nuthin dun when i had time to do thangs rite. tiz true to this verr day.

roun that time, i wuz in the liberry over at utk n sumbidy across the room wuz wavin n i noticed i couldnt tell who twuz or ifn they wuz wavin at me. turnt out to be a woman i had known in that conceps of women class n she wuz a lil miffed bout how i dint wave back. she wuz the one who ast me out, so she dint thank nuthin of cummin over n given me her pinion bout how she thought i wuz cunseated. i add mitted i mite be a lil, but i tole her problem wuz i couldnt see her well a nuff to recognize her across the room. 'then you need to see a doctor about your eyes,' she sed n stomped off.

so i made a pointment with a docter n he eggzmained my eyes n sed i wuz near-sited, mayhap frum reedin too much. twuz a fack that i had spent a good percent of my life with my nose stuck in a book, so twoodnt be a sprize if my eyes had adapted. so i started wearin glasses, witch twuz a hard thang to git used to on a counta i had never been able to wear sunglasses on a counta how they made my nose itch. but when ye need sumthin, ye git used toot.

funny thang is, later on, in west germany, i wood lose them glasses n half to make a choice between two kinds that they give fer no exter charge with the insurants we had n one of them wuz a pair of lil round glasses lack john lennon used to wear. tutherns wuz black horn-rimmed glasses, verr german lookin, n i knew i dint wont them, so i gut the lil round glasses. now thays minny folk who thank i wuz born wearin them lil round glasses n i been wearin em ever since.

twuz time to git everthang fixed, so day after i visted the eye docter, i went to the dentist. he wonted to extrack my two remainin wisdom teeth, witch i had tutherns tuck out when i furst marrd darlene n thay wuz impackted n twuz a awful process. but the wisdom teeth on the top wuz cummin in strate, not impackted, n the dentist yanked em out that verr day n i wuz all better in bout a week.

nex on the lis, mama wonted to take me shoppin fer cloze. thay aint no stoppin mama when it cums to shoppin. tiz a old sore in the marrg twixt my parnts on a counta how mama kep daddy 'paymint pore' all thar lives. mama had this idee that folks over in west germany wuz a'gone be more sofisticated than folk in tennessee, so she insisted on gittin me four suits, witch three of em wuz three-pieceers with vests witch i hadnt never had one of them befor. she also bought a bunch of shirts n underware n a pair of wing tip shoes n a pair of boots. thang is, of all the thangs she bought me that day, witch i drug over to west germany n back, thonly ones i wore much were the boots.

innywho, twuz deecided by the guys who hung out at the farm that a batchler party wuz needed to make shore i wuz doon the rite thang in gittin hitched to emily. so brew n virgil n eli n oscar n randy fox n about ten others that lacked to cum to parties whar thay wuz free smoke n dranks gut together one hot nite in july. we gut us a bunch of beer n jack daniels n rolled up a bunch of theevil weed n gatherd out at the farm. twuz more or less a rerun of the church of the callus basturds only one of the basturds wuz trine to reeform, witch thatn wuz me.

twuz a lot of hoopin n hollerin n yew name it. we kep the joints a'passin without pause all nite. we drunk up the beer purty quick n broke the seals on the jack. we tole the awfullest stories possibull bout life in the jungle n who we had dun it with n all. corse, randy n brew n virgil gut to tellin stories bout my quote exploits unquote. they broke out all the penthouse n club n gallery n hustler magazines that wuz a roun n made me look at pitchers of the mos beeyootiful women n splain how i druther be with emily even if sum of them pitchers showed sum verr sexy women.

finely, they insisted i needed to call the lady in waitin to let her know my deesire to marr wuz bein tested. i callt her n woodnt ye know it, she gits to cumplainin bout how i hadnt writ her a nuff letters. i tride to splain how i wuznt gittin no ritin dun, but twuznt wurkin with her, so i promissed i wood do better, n havin to rite that lil letter everday wuz a hep.

while i wuz on the fone, the guys deecided they wood put peeled nanners n hot peppers down my pants till i finely tole emily i had to git while i could. i tuck off runnin thru the woods to the fire spot n they chased me bes they could as drunk as we were. purty soon we wuz all thar roun a big fire n gittin serious bout that jack.

nex thang i know i woke up n find the fire wuz out n noticed i wuz sleepin in the leaves. twuz a beeyootiful night with a full moon, a warm gentle breeze, burds a sangin to wake up the worl.

but i felt sick, mayhap frum too much likker, mayhap frum too much of everthang. my hed wuz full of images frum the nite, frum the stories tole bout everbidys life in the jungle, bout the women they had quote bagged unquote, frum all them pitchers in them magazines, with women in various states of undress, thar legs spred sos they kin show everthang, whut oscar clowder called the 'ax murder' on a counta how sum of them pitchers wuz so eggsplicit till that basic female body part looked lack a wound of sum kind. i found myself unable to stop the flow of thoughts, bout susannah n darlene n all the women i myself had dun quote bagged unquote, till the sickness in me rose n drove me into the brush.

thar i finely cummenced to vomit, overn over agin, n as i dun it, i begun seein all them thangs bout my life i wonted to leeve behin comin out in the reekin bile porin frum my mouth onto the groun. when twuz over, i stood up, tuck a deep breath, n saw how the sun wuz startin to lite up the sky behin the woods.

suddenly i felt clean n good. i looked roun to see who else is thar, n i purty soon herd virgil snorin away. i called him n told him to wake up. he dint move till i shuck im n then he ast whut day wuz it.

i tole him twuz the furst day of my new life, but he dint here it. he had dun falln back asleep.

nex day, twuz agreed by all that i had passed the test n wuz condemnd to marr. the church of the callus basturds wuz closed fer good after that.

fambly tribulayshuns of buddy don:
bes muther-in-law in the hole worl falls n brakes her bones

the holiday season fer the buddy don fambly wuz a goodn at the beginnin on a counta how miz bds mama, witch we generly call her 'grandmom,' cum to visit. it made the holiday fer the hole fambly. she lives in ohio n doesnt git out a hole lot. it tuck massive perswayshun to git her to cum fer her granddaughters graduwayshun frum columbia university, witch she gut her masters in cultcherul antrhopolgy.

after makin that trip, the concep of travel to whut say uncle lacks to call 'hell' but whut local folks calls 'jersey' n whut the maps mark as 'new jersey' wuz prooved. so twuznt easy fer her to git outta cumin fer christmus, speshly when her grandson had jes moved to jersey his ownself.

so cum she did, gittin here on christmus day n stayin till the 28th. we had a wunderful time startin with dinner on christmus n includin dinner at zlata praha on fridy nite n a visit to the recent graduwait's apartmint in the columbia area of manhattan on saturdy. she rode the subway n treated the hole metropoltun area lack twuz a theme park.

lack ye mite eggspeck, twuz bof good n a bit stressful on miz bd to have the hole fambly together fer the furst time in about a decade, so me n her wuz jes windin down n startin to enjoy new years eve when we gut a call frum ohio: grandmom had fallen n broke her leg n sholder. twuz a paneful thang to here bout on a counta such thangs shouldnt happen to such good peeple. but they duz.

innywho, miz bds bruther ast her could she call the reltives down in tennessee n splain whut had happent. she gut roun to callin one bunch, a hillbilly fambly thats still in the hills n not out wanderin lack we are. her uncle vern anserd the phone n tuck the news in tipicull hillbilly silents n then ast, wuz she standin on a stool? she wuz, a'trine to take the christmus tree down herself even tho her son had promissed he wood doot fer her.

she dun been thru a operayshun to start puttin her back together n she gits out inny day now. nex step is fer her to git into sum kinda rehab place, so miz bds gone take a plane out to ohio this afternoon so she kin give her bruther sum hep in takin care of grandmom. twill be hard to be without her since we havent been apart moren a nite or so (whenever i wuz havin one of my back surgeries) since we gut marrd n set up our own housekeepin.  shes spozed to be back by early nex week.

awful thang is, she aint even gone, but im alreddy missin her.

life of buddy don, chaptur 88:
the pane of finishin thangs

i started wurkin on my novel crap notes in early 1978 n i finished it in june of 1979. twuz a big thang in my life durin that time, tho thay aint a hole lot ye kin say bout ritin a novel. taint all that eggcitin. tuffest thang is gittin yerself in the habit of startin the nex paragraf. i had dreamed of ritin novels n such mos of my life, tho twernt all i wonted to do, witch part of the problem in gittin inny one thang dun is that ye have to quit trine to do so minny other thangs. i never masterd that, so i now have a pile of papers that has songs, poems, stories, novels, plays n screenplays in it. i have recordins of mos of the songs i rote, tho thars a pasel of new ones i aint gut roun to recordin yet.

but whenever i wuz wurkin on crap notes, twuz sumthin differnt. fer one thang, twuz the furst big wurk i had attempted in life, n the mane thang i wuz hopin to proov to myself wuz that i could git it dun. as i thank i dun mentchuned, i gut all of it writ but the las chaptur by time i wuz reddy to graduwait. corse, i wood half to hand in the hole thang, but the collidge skolars committee wuz pleased with the 520 pages i had dun deliverd but the job wernt cumplete yet n fer sum reason, i spent about a munth gittin reddy to rite that final bit.

eli ast me if he could celebrate whenever i gut dun, so i sed that wood be fine. he picked me up in the vw beetle i sold him n tuck me to the oak ridge civic center so i could sit in the liberry n finish. he had rolled a 'super dubie' fur us to smoke once i wuz dun.

twuz a hard time fer eli on a counta the trubles his docters wuz havin findin the rite medical cocktail fer im. durin the 70s, frum his transformayshun in 1972 till i wuz finishin my novel in 1979, the va put im on over 100 differnt combinayshuns of meds in hopes of gittin his behavyer under cuntrol. twernt wurkin verr well, witch thats manely elis fault on a counta how he woodnt take his medicine the way twuz prescribed. he wood smoke n drank n take acid n angel dust n yew name it. so twuz only natchural that nuthin wood wurk fer verr long.

he went thru all kinds of stages with this. they put im on lithium but he jes gut fat in no time, so they quit that. they gut im on sum medicayshun that caused all his muscles to clinch up till he wuz in agony n had to be carted off to the emergency room. after that, they started givin him a muscle relaxer name of artane. after a while, no matter how they changed up his cocktail, he always had to have artane.

whut wuz wurse wuz how he wood trade his medicine fer other drugs or give ye pressure to try em. i fell fer it with artane. his argumint wuz that he wuz bein given drugs that wuz spozed to hep him escape the travails of the spirtchul worl, but he sed twuz jes the opposit, that he wuz seein more spirtchul thangs than ever.

yer more astute observers mite could have thought twuz his hallucinatin frum all the drugs he tuck. i member one time when he cum over to take emily n me to the kroger out on chapman hiway so we could do our big munthly shoppin. when he gut thar, he wuz beet red in the face n wuz hardly makin no sense. turnt out he had jes gut his medicayshun frum the va n tuck a bunch of it n then drunk a quart of beer. i dont recall ever seein him so incapacitated.

lack emily, he wuz a smoker n generly kep one lit at all times, but on this day, he tride to lite a cigarette with a glass of water, suckin the water up thru the cigarette lack twuz a straw. corse the thang fell apart when it gut wet, but he sat 'smokin' the wet butt fer a good five mints till emily ast him did he wont a lite. she lit him one of her marlboros n give it to him, n he got down on his knees n begun prayin fer the saintly woman who could make water burn. then he gut up, spied sum peanut butter n sed he wonted to git im a spoonful of that, lack we often dun whenever we wuz lil. thang wuz, he tuck the spoonful of peanut butter n tride to ram it down the salt shaker.

i played caretaker fer im that day. that mint i walked with him down to the strip, pushin him back onto the sidewalk when he strayed into the street. it mint gittin him screamin mad by trine to keep him frum buyin three import albums fer over $50, witch i knew fer a fack he dint wont a one of them albums n later on he ast me how i could let him buy such expensiv crap.

i finely gut him to let me drive the car on a counta i woodnt git in it ifn he wuz drivin n i tricked him into lettin me have the keys, witch then he couldnt figger out whar they wuz, so when i perduced em frum my pocket n tole him i wuz keepin fer im, he agreed i could drive to the krogers out on chapman hiway. during the hole time, he wuz the perfeck crazy fellow, out of his hed, makin no sense, barely able to tell whut wuz a'goin on.

then we gut to krogers n twuz lack shoppin with a small child on a counta how he kep puttin thangs in the cart that i dint wont n he woodnt wont whenever he cum back to his self. i had seen him incoherent befor, but never fer so long. so as we wuz walkin down one of the aisles n i spied his docter, witch she wuz a woman frum austria name of docter koch. i pointed her out to im n pulled him to anuther aisle. i figgerd ifn she saw im lack that, she wood lock im back up fer good.

but we couldnt avoid her all that long n purty soon we found ourself walkin rite tords her. she spotted eli n ast how he wuz. i swear, i never saw nuthin lack it, but as soon as he herd her voice, he cum back to hisself n wuz jes as coherent as could be. he dint know how he had gut whar he wuz or whut he had dun durin his blackout, witch fer him the hole thang wuz a blackout n he dint have no memry atall of whut had happend. whenever i showed im the albums he had bought, he wuz shocked bout whut he had dun. i dont thank i coulda convints im bout how crazy he wuz acktin otherwise.

good thang bout that episode is how he larnt that he jes couldnt risk mixin alcohol with artane. twernt long after that till he ast me to try it so i could git me a idee whut he wuz a'goin thru. so i did.

twuz as odd a eggsperients as any i had ever had. once the drug hit, ye dint need much of nuthin to make ye cuntent. i noticed how i could sit fer hours jes nitcing how amazin my hands n fangers wuz. but i couldnt hardly keep my thoughts strate n it made my mouth so dry i could barely swallow n long story short, i dint much lack it.

i wish i could say the same fer everbidy who tride it. turnt out thar wuz one who wood luv it moren even eli dun, witch that wuz maisie. she wuz livin out at the farm n purty much spendin all her time with oscar clowder. we begun noticin purty soon how she luved to git messed up on drugs. made her a good cumpanyun to oscar on a counta how he lacked to git so drunk he could barely walk.

tiz a wunder they survived sum of thar adventchurs. purfeck eggzample is how maisie lost her car. she n oscar wuz takin the key sprangs rode frum outer drive down to hiway 61 durin a hevvy rain. at the bottom of that twisty hill thars a lil spring that sumtimes covers the rode jes a lil, sumtimes not at all. but when twuz rainin hard a nuff, the water could git ruff. so the two of em git down to the sprang n deecide they kin make it cross. corse, thar car wuz caught rite away n nex thang ye know, maisie n oscar clumb out a winder to git free n thumbed thar way out to the farm.

nex day we all went to look at the car, n everbidy wunderd how they had cum out of it alive on a counta how twuz coverd in mud n water by then. so we ast him, how had they gut out? they looked at each other n started laffin. they couldnt remember nuthin ceptin the winder, witch wuz still open.

durin this time, maisie started havin acksidents rite n lef, mosly lil thangs lack fallin n catchin the bed post on her eye or walkin rite into a telefone pole, leavin a ugly bruise on the side of her face. corse, we wuz wurried bout her n figgerd sumthin had to be dun to keep her frum gittin so messed up on drugs, but thar wuznt nobidy who could say nuthin bout not takin em since everbidy wuz takin thar ownself.

so whenever eli wuz drivin me out to oak ridge whar i could rite that las chaptur, i ast im ifn he wood be so kind as to quit givin maisie inny more artane, witch thatn wuz the one she luved the mos, speshly with a bit of alcohol. but twuz a lil late fer that. he tole me she had her own supply frum the dentist she wurked fer. fack is, he wuz gittin thru the munth now n then with her hep on a counta how he couldnt make a munth supply las a munth, what with tradin his artane fer pot or acid or whutever or jes his takin too minny at the start of the munth so he dint have nun lef by the end.

bout then, he dropped me off at the liberry n i went in n rote the las chaptur.

now ye mite could thank i wood be one of the happies folks on the planet fer finishin sumthin i had been a'wurkin on fer so long. durin the hole time, seemed lack it hung over my hed n give me constant stress n wurry. now i wuz dun with it, or at lease dun with the furst version of it.

but i wuznt happy atall. fack is, i kin member jes a few times when i felt so deepressed. corse i had to finish the celebrayshun with eli n he wuz happy fer me. he wonted to rite novels his ownself n wood git roun toot evenchully, tho his wuz a lot shorter. but at that time, he figgerd gittin a novel writ wuz about the bes accomplishment a person could have.

but all i felt wuz a awful emptiness n confushun bout why i should feel so sad. we talked bout maisie n i tride to thank that wuz it. or i tride to thank twuz the sadness of havin a bruther lack eli who wuz such a basket case, even ifn he wuz one of the smartes folk i ever met. but i had to add mitt that twuznt maisie nor eli nor mama nor nuthin ceptn that i figgerd i wood feel good n in sted, it felt lack i had lost my bes frien.

finely, my depresshun started gittin thru to eli n thang wuz, it made him mad! i wuz sprized as could be by that, but he wuz mad, so mad that we gut into a fite with him sayin how i had everthang n he had nuthin n i should thank god fer my blessings rather than bad mouthin my life n belly achin bout bein dun ritin my novel.

'ifn ye dint wonta finish it, then why did ye start it?' he ast. i tole im i dint know i wuz a'gone feel thisaway. so he prayed fer me n when that dint perduce no miraculls, he ast whar could he let me out. the farm? mamas? whar?

tuck me a mint to figger whar i needed to go, witch that wuz to my tree, the one i had injured with my car durin my 'acksident.' i ast him to take me thar n he did, only he dint know bout the tree n tuck me rite to k-25, thankin i wonted to git in touch with sumbidy thar n mayhap git a ride home or sumthin.

in sted, once he wuz gone, i begun the long walk back tords oak ridge. purty soon, i cum to the tree n sat myself down beside of it n rubbed its wound. i thought bout how i had felt once i knew i had survived my attempt. i reminded myself about how i had a bonus life. i counted up my blessins. but nuthin wurked so i lef.

twuz a hard thang to larn, but truth is, the wurk ye wonta finish so much ye wish ye wuz dead mite jes be the thang that keeps ye wontin to live.

by time i gut to mamas, i wuz drenched in sweat. twuz dusk n daddy wuz sittin at the kitchen table, readin the paper, drankin a beer, n eatin cheezits. he wuz sprized to see me n ast did i wont a beer, witch i dint wont one, but i tuck it innyway. we made small talk till he figgerd out i had dun finished ritin my novel. twuz on of the furst times i saw him so proud, n fer a lil, it tuck me out of my deepreshun. twuz nice to be sumbidy in his eyes fer a change.

but it dint change much of innythang. oh, he lacked to brag bout how i had writ a novel. but he never did read it.

life of buddy don, chaptur 87:
tippin the balance

by june 11, 1979, i had purty much finished everthang i needed to git dun ifn i wuz to graduwait. i still had about ten pages to rite on my novel, crap notes, but i had dun all my class wurk. ye mite could say i lacked skool purty well. i ended up with near 240 credits despite the fack that i needed only bout 160 or so to graduwait. but ifn ida dun that, i woodnt have finished ritin my novel, n that wuz my main concern.

i had won a few awards fer how i played the grade game: (1) a chancellors sightayshun fer academick achievment, (2) Zertifikat Deutsch als Fremdsprache frum the Goethe Institut, (3) the Gerti Wunderlich award for excellence in German, thanks to the kind wurk of one of my germun perfessers, witch we jes called him dr. f n main reason he hepped me thataway wuz on a counta how he knew i wuz a'gonna need the grant money of $800 moren i knew whenever i gut over to west germany, (4) phi kappa phi, (5) phi beta kappa, (6) d-a-a-d, n (7) summa cum laude. fack is, i coulda gut em to git rid of the 'b' i gut in my furst quarter in golf n ifn i hadda dun that, i wooda graduwaited with the highest gpa of innybidy graduwaitin then. but i figgerd i wuznt as good as my record indicated. so my final gpa wuz 3.99999 ferever jes about, tho they put it at 4.0 since twuz close a nuff.

ye mite be thankin how i shoulda been purty happy bout the way thangs wuz a'goin. i wuz about to git marrd to a wonderful woman. i wuz about to go to west germany fer a year of studies n i dint have to brang nuthin much back frum it besides the eggsperients. i had about ten pages to write on my novel to git it dun. i owned a piece of land n had my payments down to practically nuthin on a counta rentin my room to maisie.

but thays always a nuther side to thangs, n durin this time, i wuz forced to look upon it moren i mite could have wonted to. thang wuz, thay wuz a lil lag time tween when i wuz dun with skool, witch that wuz early in june of 1979, n when i wuz a'gone fly over to west germany, witch that wuz skeduled fer the furst of august.

i figgerd i wood git me my job over at the deathtrap back. witch that mint i had to apply all over agin. i did, n fer that, they made me take a polly graf test. i dint wurry much bout it on a counta i had dun had one the year befor n they wuz mosly innerested in whuther ye wuz honest. i drove over to west knoxvull agin to take the test, but this time, the fella conductin it dint ast nary a questchun bout whuther i wuz honest. onliest thang he needed to know wuz whuther i had ever dun inny drugs, witch ye all know the anser to that is a big yes, accordin to witchns ye mite be astin bout. as it happend, this fella knew all thar names n he ast me bout each of these: (1) theevil weed, (2) lsd, (3) mescaline, (4) peyote, (5) psylocibin, (5) cocaine, (6) opium, (7) thc, (8) morphine, and (9) heroin. i add mitted that i had tried all but the las two, morphine n heroin. he ast how many times had i dun em, n fer the mos, twuz only once. i wuz ast when i had last used each.

long story short, i went to wurk my furst nite n put in a good 3 hours till my old boss cum in. he wuz glad to have me back n tole me i wuz one of the best hed ever had. i thanked him. he tole me he had to make a call before finishin the process. he called the guy n purty soon he tole me he wuz sorry but couldnt use me. why? on a counta my recent problems.

whut a thang! i wuz a honor student. i had wurked well fer em. but all i wuz by the time that mornin gut thar wuz a drug user.

so i gut the summer off n twuz a bit on the long side on a counta emily n me had dun moved out of 1300 clinch n i had to move back into mamas house fer the summer. i had plenty of time to thank thangs over. truth wuz, i wuz tired of drugs n dint really wonta do em much innymore, but the worl i wuz livin in had jes too much temptayshun. furst mornin after i larnt i woodnt have the job, eli cum over with a new bag of theevil weed he had scored n we started the day by runnin thru his routine, witch he lacked to take a drive, listen to punk rock music as loud as ye could stand it, n smoke joint after joint.

by the time we gut home frum that, i wuz disgusted with myself. i tride to wurk thangs over in my mind to make me feel better. i reminded myself of all my achievments, buyin of land, the 4.0 gpa, the d-a-a-d, the novel, the awards, the impending marrg to an honor student. all of em wuz notable accomlishments. but underneath of everthang, i wuz still jes a drug user in the eyes of pantry. wuz drugs really that bad? bad a nuff to prevent me frum wurkin at the deathtrap? shouldnt my performunts frum the year befor have counted fer sumthin? hadnt i proved myself responsibull a nuff thru wurk n skool?

but facks is facks, witch theys amung the mos stubborn thangs thay is. i jumpt to my own defense. shore nuff im a drug user, i would gladly say. look at me, worl: im a doper. i lack to trip. i smoke theevil weed mos ever day. yet i gut straight a marks in collidge, wuz a collidge skolar, wrote a novel, won outstanding performunts increases at carbide, dated a injuneer, divorced one, am about to marr a history honors student whose also a literary eggspurt --  won awards -- yew name it. many of my friends at utk wuz perfessors, witch i could name em but whut diffents duz it make? underneath it all, thonly thang that mattered wuz how i wuz jedged to be a drug fiend. lease thats whut they wonted me to thank.

fack is, i did thank it. i wished i could stop. i planned to stop, made resolushuns bout quittin, the hole thang, but seemed lack ever time i turnt round, thay wuz a nuther joint bein passed my way n i dint seem capabull of passin it on along without tokin on it. to be fare, i wood half to add mitt that i dun got a lot frum smokin n trippin, mainly the latter. durin mos ever trip, i eggzamine my life n directshuns n try to affirm whuts good. i git a lot of energy frum concentratin on whut needs to be dun. i git eggcited bout the positive half of my bein -- the half that rites n goes to skool n takes thangs serious; i am wurried bout the negative half -- how easily it could git out of hand n ruin my life along with emilys.

dont misunderstan me. i dint feel i had life figgerd out, dint know whut i should be doin in the best of all possibull worls. i lack to say how i bleeved that ye cant git to any unnerstandin of life without god. but i dint -- n dont to this day -- unnerstan god atall. i felt my bleef in god wuz necessary for a happy life, that god wuz thonly concep that gives life necessary n lastin meanin. but all of that wuz a bunch of hopes more than ackshul bleefs. i dun whut i dun on a counta it seemed the best corse availabull to me, tho i wuz always hopin twood hep me unnerstand god a lil better.

but i couldnt proov nuthin, even ifn i trotted out all my proofs. am i cunvintsed by proofs? is innybidy? i dont reckon folks is cunvintsed by argumints. they need eggsperients, vague eggsperients taken as a hole n not broke down into particlar eggsperientses. frum vague eggsperients i gut my noshuns bout god.

as i prepared fer ritin the last wurds on my novel, fer gittin marrd, fer goin to west germany, i wood pray ever day that these noshuns wood hep me tip the balance in favor of the good half of my bein. i figgerd i wood have a good chants for this on a counta in west germany, i dint speck nobidy to give me no drugs. n i figgerd i wood git the balance tipped fer good once n fer all.

but i had a lot more to larn bout that balance. turns out ye gut to keep tippin it yer hole life n it kin swang back on ye purty good jest when ye thank ye gut it tipped fer good fer good. thang is, ye cant trip it fer good fer good, but only fer good fer now. n ye gut to keep at it. fer good.

life of buddy don, chaptur 86:
the scariest thang in the universe

twuz rite after i ast emily ifn shed marr me that i noticed the stranges thang. i had dun been quote in the jungle unquote back whenever we furst moved on to the farm, but once i gut together with susannah, seem lack i purty much settled down far as women wuz concernd. gittin together with emily tuck so long that we wuz pratickly livin together by the time sumthin happend. but the hole time, i never give no other woman any thought or even spent much time lookin at em walk by. i wuz too fixed on getting emily.

but thang wuz, soons i had ast her to marr me, i started feelin lack i wuz stuck, lack thay wuz sum other thang i needed to be free to go do, lack i hadnt had my quota of women or sumthin. i cant say why, but i dint thank i wonted to give up the opshun of havin a differnt relayshunship sumtime. so why wuz i a marrin her?

taint easy to anser but heres how i cum to look at it. fer one thang, it wuznt that i dint wont or lack or luv or desire emily. i dun all of that n more. i larnt more bout sex frum her than all tuther women i had known befor her. n i had a grate time larnin it. i couldnt magine nobidy who shared my innerests inny bettern she dun. i lacked the way she looked. n thay wuznt no questchun whuther she luved me.

i figgerd the itchy feelins i wuz gittin wuz the kinda thang ye git in a restrunt. ye wonta eat n ye mite could be plenty hungry but ye cant make up yer mind. it aint that ye dont see nuthin ye wont. tiz that ye wont mos everthang n takin inny one thang is givin up all tutherns. tiz kindly the same with a woman, tho i knew twuznt the case that i wonted to be in the jungle.

as i dun writ in chaptur 78: luv is all a roun inside n out, i cum to be a bit more relaxed bout the seach fer god n all after havin that wurkshop with el doc tore. twuz long about then that i heard a talk on meister eckhardt agin, n this time sumthin wuz sed that kindly put everythang into perspecktiv.

i bleev the fella givin the talk twuz perfessor fuller, witch hes the one who taught the buddhism n islam classes, but mayhap he jes innerduced the speaker. cant member witch twuz, but i cant fergit whut he sed. furst he talked a lil bout who meister eckhardt wuz n then splained how he had im these two concepts:

1. godhead: this is the actualty of whut we commonly call god, witch tiz everthang god is n is way beyond innythang we kin magine. tiz growin n creative n burstin with life n changin at ever moment n impossbull to take in completely or even splain. ever now n agin, ye git ye a mistick of sum relijun n that mistick gits a real view or eggsperients of godhead. corse, the mistick is a'gone try to splain whut he or she is seein n larnin n all, n soons he does, other folks gits to ritin it down n turnin it into the wurds he sed n not the godhead he wuz eggsperientsin.
   
2. whut the misticks followers makes of his reackshun to godhead is whut gits called god n tiz lack a snapshot of the smokeys, way short of the real thang. whut folks is arguin over is the wurds that wuz utterd by the misticks who eggsperientsed godhead. taint real argumints over whut god really is, witch is the godhead n beyond all unnerstandin.

i found this to be so hepful on a counta i could see finely that thay wuznt nuthin fer me to find. twuznt jes that ye caint find the way, tiz that thay cant be a way to sum place ye cant git.

finely, i gut to this unnerstandin of thangs n then could let go agin: i figgerd twuz lack anselm had sed bout god bein the thang thats grater innythang ye could magine n all. n fer me, that thang would be grater ifn it included all thangs than ifn it dint. n ifn it includes all thangs, then tiz a fack that all thangs is god.

twernt much of an anser ye could rite down in a book, but it gut me to thankin i needed to be doin more livin n less searchin.

seem lack that kinda thankin had to do with emily n why i deecided to marr her. twuz time to live n make a commitment. i could make a list of a hunnert reasons why emily wuz the rite choice, tho i half to add mitt that when i cum home n saw her lyin in a fetal ball, crine her eyes out, i felt an achin in my hart that i jes couldnt resist, n that as much as innythang splains why i ast her to marr me.

as fer my feelins bout other women, twuz a concep i had truble with moren inny change of behavyer. i lacked to thank twoodnt matter in the longer run. corse whut a bidy lacks to thank dont have much to do with whut cums to pass.

i also gut to realizin how i wuznt thonly one feelin a lil wurried bout the futchur. i reckon twuz even harder on emily. heres how i noticed, tho i dint make much of it at the time.

shahram give us a gift jes befor he went back to iran to take part in the revolushun, witch he had im a simese cat that had kittens of various kinds n he give us a liln he named layla. the cat looked n acted siamese n it lived with us the hole time we wuz livin on clinch avenue. twernt that we wuz wontin a cat so much, but i musta tole the story bout tinker or sumthin so he cum over one evenin with a cardbord box n inside wuz a kitten so cute even emily give in n sed we could have her.

we had lots of fun with that kitten. ifn ye ever had one, ye know they kin entertain ye fer hours with nuthin moren a scrap a yarn. layla luved to grab at emilys hair whenever she wuz a'pullin on it, witch dint seem to matter how much emily slapped layla fer doin it, soons shed git to pullin on it agin, layla wood be thar, batten at it. i kindly thank emily lacked layla a doon that n the two of em wood play her hours with a ole ball of yarn emily had.

we kep the cat in n waited till twuz ole a nuff to git it fixed n whenever twuz, i tuck it to the vet to git it dun. turnt out to be too late. sumhow that cat musta got out on a counta they couldnt fix a cat that wuz pregnunt.

frum that thar started a battle tween layla n emily. layla deecided she wonted to start stayin in emilys sock drawer. emily deecided layla would stay in a cardbord box in the livin room. corse, emily could cloze the door to the bedroom n cloze the drawer n thay wuznt much layla could do. n layla dint seem to know how to do much of innythang cept to go n cry in frunt of the drawer n scratch at it to try to open it.

then one mornin layla woke us up she wuz scratchin at our door so hard. we cum to see whut wuz the matter, n twuz time fer her to have her kittens. emily gut up n she wuz laffin bout how the cat dint seem to know whut to do n shore a nuff, seem lack layla kep right on a'goin to emily lack she wonted hep or wonted emily to pet er. so emily did but wuz a laffin n teasin the cat, astin whut wuz she gone do whenever she had her kittens?

n long bout then, out cum the hed of the furstn, n purty soon, layla knew everthang she needed to do. she started lickin that lil kitten n eatin all the afterbirth n all till she had er two lil balls of fur trine to find whar to nurse on her belly. but she woodnt let em git started but jes picked up the furstn n went in to the chest of drawers in the bedroom. the door wuz clozed, but layla jes laid her kitten in frunt of it n went to git tuthern. purty soon she wuz thar in frunt of the drawer, cryin n clawin as patient as could be.

i reckon emily smoked three cigarettes while tellin layla it wuznt gone wurk, that she wuznt gittin the drawer, but layla jes kep on lack she wuz shore she wood hit she secret button that wood make the drawer open. finely emily sed she couldnt beleev a cat wood ack thataway. she carrd the kittens into the livin room n put em into the cardbord box agin, but layla woodnt res till she had em back. finely, we went to bed n lef the door shut.

sumbidy musta got up to pee n forgot about the door in the middle of the nite on a counta nex mornin, thar wuz layla n her two kittens, lyin on a piece of newspaper layla had drug in. purty soon she gut to crine n pawin n finely emily give in n opened the drawer, witch layla knew jes whut to do then. purty soon bofem kittens wuz nursin.

as we wuz eatin brakefuss over at smokeys palace, emily sed twuz a scary thang. i ast her whut twuz that wuz scary n she sed i dint wonta here it. corse, i insisted. twuz how ye played the game. finely she sed she wished she hadnt sed nuthin, witch she really meant she hoped i wood take her side of how she felt. i waited, but she jes smoked a while. so i ast agin whut wuz so scary. she put out her cigarette n grabbed her books, gittin up n then lookin at me while i wuz gittin reddy. then she ast did i really wonta know whut the scariest thang in the hole universe is?

i tole her i wuz waitin, so she tole me: motherhood.

news of buddy don:
end of year accountin

i figgerd i wood take a count of everthang fer the year with wandering hillbilly. here are sum relavunt stats:

1. born: friday 13th june 2003
   
2. sitemeter: 9,760 in 2003
   
3. mos of the vistors gut here fer one of three reasons:
   
   
   
   1. they wonta know sumthin bout the wurd 'hillbilly'
      
   2. they cant spell
      
   3. they blong to the rocky top brigade
   
   
4. ackshly, summa the vistors here probly gut here fer all three reasons.
   
5. mos poplar search term: hillbilly -- 1,911 referntses; nex mos poplar ten:
   
   
   
   1. the -- 34
      
   2. and -- 21
      
   3. wandering -- 21
      
   4. sex -- 19
      
   5. orgasums -- 15
      
   6. for -- 13
      
   7. free -- 12
      
   8. facks -- 11
      
   9. icon -- 11
      
   10. life -- 10
   
   
6. total wurds in wandering hillbilly fer 2003: 250,976
   
7. total chapters fer the novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly : 85
   
8. total wurds in the novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly: 194,971
   
9. most days in a row with a new chaptur writ fer the novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly: 12 (august 20 -- september 4); nex bes: 8 (august 2 -- august 9)
   
10. most visits in one day: 479 (day i hosted volunteer tailgate party n gut the instalanche)

news: ye mite notice how i dun put the furst 85 chapturs of the novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly, on a page whar they kin be red in order easlier. tiz over on the lef whar the chapturs used to be, witch i hope thays a plenty more comin in 2004.