life of buddy don, chaptur 78:
luv is all aroun, inside n out

ye mite could say i wuz thankin bout the problem frum the beginnin, witch the problem is death. one of the furst thangs i kin member is how scairt i gut frum a sermon the preechur give one mornin. the fust thang i member is runnin away, but seems lack it jumps rite frum thar to that sermon.

i always begged to go to the big church in sted of sundy skool n mama wood let me long as i wuz quite n sat still. so i gut to go n thay wuz this woman thar that let me put a fifty cent piece in the colleckshun ifn i wood promiss to pay tenchun to the sermon so i dun it. twuz the furst time i ackshly listend n he wuz a'tellin bout whuts a'gone happen to them that goes to hell. n that preechur splained how thays this fire down in hell that burns ye ferever even tho ye dont die but ye jes hurt frum that fire burnin ye.

thang wuz, i knew i dint have no chants to go to heaven on a counta how i couldnt even quit pickin my nose or runnin away, so when i gut to bed that nite, i cummenced to thankin bout that sermon n how thangs happens. i memberd bout beggin to go barfoot n steppin on a bee n daddy sayin that ye gut to ackcept thangs bout life lack how ye gone get stung by bees now n then. then he laffed n reminded me how twuz much wurser fer the bee.

so it seemed lack hell wuz one of them painful thangs that ye cant avoid no way, speshly ifn ye couldnt git yer ownself to stop runnin away. nex thang i know, i gut to shakin with fear n then cum a asthma attack n then they had to take me to the hospital n that made daddy mad n i wuz afraid of him too.

so i went to church rite reglar n tride my hardest to bleeve everthang, but i couldnt git over the way they splained how ever thangs predestined. n i figgerd dint matter much whut ye did on a counta ye wernt really a'doin it. twuz jes the thread of destiny playin out.

so i gut to wonderin howt could be that ye could be borned predestined to suffer the fires of hell. then one sundy the preechur gut to prayin fer the troops overn vietnam to do well n git thar jobs dun n cum home, only by then i knew whut they wuz a'doin over thar n i couldnt see how ye could pray fer em to do a good job of killin folk.

so i quit a'goin to church n till darlene n me gut to studyin with them jeehovuhs witnesses, i dint thank too much about it. but then twuz a differnt matter when we wuz a'studyin with them witnesses on a counta it seemed lack fer a while it mite be the anser, but ye know how thatn cum out ifn ye red chaptur 21: draft lottry.

long about then i had my twenty secunt birthday n darlene made us each a lil pizza, witch thats how we always et our pizza, a lil one each. i wuz a'sittin thar lookin at it n smellin how good it smelled n then eatin it. n darlene ast me how did it feel to be 22 n i sed it dint feel much differnt. jes a nuther year gone.

but i gut to thankin how each year of yer life is lack one of them slices of pizza, n thay aint no way i woodnt finish my pizza ever time n that led to the obveeus conclushun that ye gone die. that tiz inevitabull. that tiz lack gittin stung by a bee only yer the bee this time.

frum that, seem lack i wuz in a endless loop of searchin fer sumthin that could give me peace on the topick. ye dun red all the thangs i studied n follerd after n how i dint git no whar only i did only i dint. or so it seemed to me. i larnt a lot of thangs, but i dint seem to be able to find the thang, that faith to have faith.

not that i dint look. i studied with them witnesses n the sevuth day advents n mormons n cathlicks. n i studied mistysism n thangs lack witchcraft n sorcery n the occult in genrull. thay wuz times i thought id found it or at least proof that thays sumthin more than jes yer bidy, sumthin that kin survive death. i thought i had found it with gurdjieff n crowley n thought i wood larn to do miraculls or ritchual magick or sumthin, but the more i studied, the more i knew bout whut dint wurk but not whut does.

so i figgerd flossofy wuz the thang n i studied that verr hard n thar i larnt bout the neoplatonists n all them idees bout bein beyond the bidy, but that only mint folks had been thankin the same thang ferever n still thay wuznt proof of nuthin fer sartin.

then i gut to stuydin relijun agin only tutherns that wernt varieties of the christchun relijun but that jes confused me more on a counta ifn folks could bleev them other relijuns n bleev em sincerely n all, then how could i say they wood half to go to hell? or how could i bleev that one had the goods on all tutherns? ye jes couldnt say that. they wuz all beeyootiful n wurthy of bleef n ye could see that they hepped folks lead better lives.

roun the time i met emily this kinda thang wuz lack a plague on my mind. i wood be watchin fer miraculls ever mint, but corse nuthin ever happend. worse thang wuz, i dint know whut else thay wuz fer me to look at or search thru to find the anser. twuz hard also on a counta how i a had dun broke up with susannah n hadnt never touched emily atall, not a hug, not holdin hands, no physicull contack at all. so i had to wonder whut twuz i wuz a'doin?

then one evenin i dreampt of dyin n bein stuck in the tite space of a coffin n twuz so awful a feelin that i cried out till it woke me up. n i wuz havin a hard attack of asthma n dint know whut to do. i wuz out of primatene tablets, witch they wuz whut i tuck, so i gut up n looked roun fer whut could i take. thay wuznt nuthin thar.

corse, thay wuz my can of theevil weed. i had herd twood hep asthma, but it dint make no sense that smoke could do that. but in my desperayshun i figgerd a sangle toke frum a pipe mite hep, n thang wuz, it killt that attack. then it lef me hi to thank bout dyin. i lay thar in the dark thankin on it n sumhow i wood git it all confused with emily on a counta i wuz so hot fer her i could hardly bleev it.

that event gut me back onto the topick of death moren ever. i wuz readin all kinda thangs that dint seem to fix nuthin:

1. denial of death by ernest becker
   
2. the courage to be by paul tillich
   
3. being and nuthingness by jean-paul sartre
   
4. the sense of an ending by frank kermode
   
5. radical monotheism n westurn cultchur by richard niebuhr
   
6. on death n dyin by elizabeth kubler-ross
   
7. being and time by martin heidegger

seemed lack it all jes made me more afraid n more confused bout whut i wuz spozed to do. n when emily saw me lack that, ye could see that she couldnt hardly take it, that she needed sumbidy who wuznt morose n wondern bout death all the time so i wood try to ack lack twernt nuthin.

but twuz sumthin on my mind mos all the time. once i wuz sittin up in mcclung tower readin bout nuthingness till i wuz near panicked, thankin bout how ifn at the end ye dont survive, ifn thay aint nuthing after this life, then tiz as if the hole universe is destroyed each time sumbidy dies on a counta fer that person, tiz as if the universe had disappeared. it dont matter ifn it goes on sum kinda way, fer the dead, tiz obliterated, gone, nuthin, jes as nuthin as the person who becums nuthin by dyin.

i musta had sum kinda look on my face on a counta jes fred cum by n ast whut wuz i thankin bout. n we gut to talkin bout death n all n purty soon we wuz down in his offus whar we talked a nuther two or three hours bout everthang thay is. finely he ast me did i wonta go to a psychologicull retreat a cuple weekends later. i ast him how much did it cost n he sed $60 n i sed twuz too steep fer me. that gut him to thankin till he sed he wood pay fer my spot ifn i wood go. i sed i mite ackcept a loan, but i woodnt doot ifn he wuz a'gone pay fer me.

so he agreed to that, n thats how cum i wuz on my way to the green house on the thurd fridy in may of 1978. i half to add mitt i dint wonta go. twuz a hole weekend n i druther study n spend sum time with emily or wurk in the garden. i resented it fer bein a awful waste of my time, n i wuz walkin slow n cunsidderin whut i mite say to git out of it sum kinda way, but one step led to a nuther till i wuz on the greenhouse porch n jes fred cum out n give me a big ole bear hug, witch he wuz a bear of a man, n i knew i couldnt say nuthin then.

thay wuz a group of bout eight or nine folk thar, all of em academick types: a perfesser in a suit, jes fred, a earth mother, a hippy in a tie-died tee shirt, a geeky lookin fat kid, a woman with long strate hair sittin in a lotus posishun on the floor, me n sum utherns i cant much member innymore. purty soon 'el doc tore' n his bunch cum in n thay wuz sum talk in two langwages fer a bit on a counta how el doc tore dint speak no english n dint no bidy else speak inny spanish n then we gut in our cars n drove out to a farm out by watts bar lake. i dint git the locayshun only it looked lack we drove out into mill valley sumwhar.

furst thang they had us do once we gut thar wuz take a psychological test, witch i figgerd the test wuz whut they wuz a trine to sell us, lease it seemed thataway whenever i wuz takin it. it wuz filled with questchuns bout whut uniform did ye wonta wear n whut wood ye do ifn this that or tuther wuz to happen, that kinda thang. then the fun cummenced.

lookin back, i kin see more or less whut they wuz up to, but at the time, everthang wuz a sprize. they started by exposin us to a series of physicull therpy teckneeks, one after tuther till our bidies acked n our fangers wuz tanglin. sum of the thangs we dun wuz stretchin n tie chee n blindfoldin one person n havin tuthers lif him up over thar heds n carry him roun n swimmin in the lake n jumpin jacks n push ups n yew name it.

then they tuck us in n made us meditate, witch that mint we all had to git into the lotus posishun n sit still fer as long as we could take it. then they stopped us n had us write a deescriptshun of the mos difficult moment of our lives. i rote bout my acksident with the tree, witch the mos difficult part bout thatn wuz hearin myself screamin fer gods damnayshun, witch that wuz sumthin i never speckted n scares me to this verr day. nex they ast us to rite our cumplete n specifick sexual autobiogruffy. then they give us more meditayshun with breethin exercises n such n finely let us go to bed.

nex day we gut up early n tuck a long hike. then yoga n stretches. then brakefuss. then more meditayshun, only this time, we wuz spozed to let our animull selves cum out, witch i magined i wuz a goat on a counta bein capricorn n havin a goat name of wilhelm goat, witch he dint die till later that summer. then they had us lay down on a huge piece of paper n sumbidy wood trace each form of the animull ye had tuck. mine turnt out to be a dancin goat, only his frunt hooves wuz a coverin his hed lack he speckted to git hit n the gurl that traced mine give him a big ole ereckshun.

then they give us a long lesson in belly dancin. then clay therpy, witch we wuz spozed to make a representayshunull piece of art while concentratin on our sexuality n sensualty. i made a face that looked jes lack emily wood look whenever we wuz talkin bout how the penis wuz lack a weppon, witch even then ye could tell she wonted to disarm the weppon sumhow.

then we ate whut they called our last meal.

then they give us paper n crayola crans n had us draw pitchers of our parnts n children n mates n god n even our ownself all out in the worl. then the made us exercise agin.

when they had wore us plum out, they put blindfolds on ever one of us n told us to tend lack we wuz sum kinda animull. i becum a chimpanzee rite away. we wuz tole to go eggsplore the worl n natchur n then they sed we should find a mate n long bout then i bumped into sumbidy n wuz i ever thankful twuz a woman, witch turnt out to be the earth mother. we wuz spozed to perteck our mates n i had to beat off sumbidy that wuz tendin he wuz a boar only i dint let him git her. then i turnt back to her n we cuddled n kissed only twuz innocent lack.

then they cum n tuck off my blindfold n handed me that sexual autobiogruffy i had writ n tole me to read it to her, witch thats jes whut i dun n then they put my blindfold back on n had her read hers to me.

then they give us a nuther lesson in tie chee, witch them lessons gut my bidy to tanglin lack it hadnt never dun n by the end i wuz cumpletely tuckerd out.

then they tuck us all into the main room of that ole farm house fer the final adventchurs of our 'trip,' witch thats the closest thang to whut twuz, a trip on lsd or sumthin. whutever reservayshuns i had befor we gut thar wuz all gone by then. fack is, they wuznt hardly no boundary lef tween the folks a'goin thru all this n that wuz a lot lack trippin only twuz even more intents.

we wuz tole that everthang else that happent wood take place rite in that room. we had all brung sleepin bags so we rollled em out. they tole us to have our blindfolds with us n pitchers of folks we luved n inny ritins that mint a lot to us. i had pitchers of the fambly n sum of elis pomes n the bible.

then they sed to let the show begin, n it did. furst the room wuz made so dark ye couldnt see nuthin. then they started up a stream of slides, witch thay wuz three kinds of pitchers in that slides how: (1) pitchers of humans inhumanty to humans n to natchur, (2) mamas n thar babies n other innocent folk, n (3) pitchers of untouched natchural thangs lack woods n mountains n seashores n rivers, all with no sign of humans.

at the start, twuz jes one perjeckter goin n the slides wuz mixed bout 1 thurd of each kind. then they lit up a secunt perjeckter n then a thurd. then musick crashed into the room lack a thunderstorm, drums n primitive sounds, a strong beat that woodnt quit tho it twisted n turnt ever witchaway. n sum in the room cummenced to crine n sum to laffin n sum to commentatin on them pitchers. n everthang grew till twuz all too much horror n folks screamed.

then twuz all over n the lites cum on so brite till ye couldnt hardly see. n we were tole to rite a letter to god.

after we wuz dun, they give us our blindfolds n told us to go to sleep. n i drifted off, but seem lack i dint fall asleep.

i felt the adrenaline hit my stumach n thar wuz hitler a'givin his lebensraum speech n it woke me up n i couldnt bleeve how asleep i wuz. i wuz also sprized to spot sum of the frases n unnerstand whut he wuz a'sayin n then sum arrogant so n so tuck to splainin the histry of civil rites in the united states n then a woman cummenced to deescribin havin sex in graffick detail. n thay wuz chants n curses n screamin n machine guns n bombs. folks tuck to crawlin frum person to person, givin hugs, n i wuz amung em. i cum to a woman who kissed me whenever i wuz huggin her n it went frum innocent to erotick to shocked on a counta the sounds round us.

i later larnt that when the time wuz rite, folks had thar blindfolds tuck off. then thay wuz handed one of the thangs they had brought. minny of them cride at that point n sum even tride to git away, but they wuz brought back. i wuz last to git my blindfold removed n 'el doc tore' give me a bowl of fruit.

then el doc tore begun to analyze everbidys problems one by one, crackin em open with the thangs they had brung with em, gittin to how one fella felt bout his ex wife with a pitcher n gittin a woman to cry with a piece of old cloth, that kinda thang.

lack i splained, we had tuck a test at the start of the program, witch it seemed lack it had happend years ago in a nuther life by then, but they had tuck the reesults n put em up whar everbidy could see em. they had dun ratins on everbidy to splain how they wuz a doin with various parts of thar lives. i wuz sprized to see that mine had sumthin cum up so bad twuz off that scale n wursern innybidy else in inny topick. twuz deepresshun n twuz a sprize on a counta i always tole jokes n stayed cheerful n dint feel deepressed.

but when el doc tore cum round to me, that translated whut he sed as, 'why are you so sad, buddy don?' i tole him i dint bleev i really wuz sad. fack wuz, i cunsidderd myself verr happy.

he ast me wood i read my mos difficult momint n it tuck me by sprize. everbidy wuz a'lookin at me n i couldnt say no, so i tuck it n cummenced to readin. twuz hard n my voice cracked a time or two till when i finely wuz dun i sed ok ok ok i do git deepressed sumtimes but tiz sumthin that hardly never happens. so el doc asts whut is it that deepresses me, n i started to say sumthin, only in sted, he ast me wood i red my letter to god. by time i wuz halfway thru, the tears wuz big ole streams down my face n i herd myself say i wuz deepressed bout death n whut a awful trap life wuz n how i wuz mad n sad n cheated n vulnerable n dint matter how i tride, i couldnt git no anser to please me, to splain nuthin bout dyin --

they put a pitcher of mama n daddy n my hands, witch twuz the one they had made fer thar silver anniversry, n that wuz all it tuck to reduce me to sobs fer a while. then i gut cuntrol agin n gut to talkin bout whut twuz that made me sad bout life n death n the hole faith thang n by time i gut goin good, purty much everbidy wuz crine n lookin at me lack i wuz spozed to hit the anser fer em inny mint. twuz a feelin lack nun i had ever felt, a tanglin in the bones, a fire in my hart n wurds flowin so sweet n strong. n sum tride to reason with me n splain how ye had to look on the brite side, but i anserd em how thar wuz no brite side. in death thay aint no reason neethur, n they all add mitted it.

then el doc tore started splainin thangs to me. he tole me how i had faith, contrary to whut i mite say bout havin only doubt. he tol me i had more faith than mos innybidy n thats why i wuz so driven n wuz always a'strugglin so. he sed twuz why i quote abound with energy unquote. then he splained how i wuz deepressed fer a reason n twuz on a counta i refused to accept luv, refused it frum within me, refused it frum without. yet luv is all around, inside n out, so i had to be full of it n folks everwhar wuz porin it on me everday.

then he sed i even knew he wuz rite n wuz fraid to add mitt it, lack twuz sumthin i wuz fraid to claim. 'you remind me of saint francis of assisi,' he sed thru the translater, 'because you have moved everyone in this room with your faith. you have made them cry with the power of your words. and that is love, buddy don, love all around, inside and out.'

suddenly i felt all warm n full n cumplete, bursting with energy n luv n warmth. i even felt god n meanin n i felt wonderful. n twuz a feelin that has lasted n sits thar waitin fer me to feel it by meditayshun on whut happend n whut led toot. but dont ye know i kin go years without memberin to member that?

the res of the time we give our tenchun tuther folkses problems n then twuz bout 7 pm so we went back to the greenhouse whar we all hugged about ten times till i lef n walked over to see emily.

she could see rite away that thay wuz sumthin differnt bout me n she wuz verr curious to here how thangs had gone n all. i tole her sum of it but ye cant tell the kinds of thangs that really need sayin, so i sed i needed to go meet virgil n git a ride home. i stood up n she did too. she had a habit of puttin her hands into her back pocket so she could have a bit of a swagger to her, almost lack a cat rufflin its fur, n she dun it then. i sed that i wuz a'gone hug her n not to be fraid n she froze. but i dun it innyway n purt soon she begun to melt till her head lay agin my chest. i patted her hed n pulled way n walked to the door.

i turned when i wuz on tuther side. i could see she wonted to hug but jes couldnt brang herself to but i only smiled. when i gut to the bottom of the stairs, she hollerd fer me to wait n sed she wood walk with me to the library. then she sed we should get drunk together sum time sos we could git beyond whutever twuz that wuz happenin but not happenin. n when i agreed, she suddenly kissed my cheek n ran back home.

so i cum over the nex saturdy nite n we sat out on her roof n drank us two or three rum n cokes while we planned whar we wuz a'gone eat dinner. corse, we gut to feelin rite good n then roarin drunk with ever lergickul symptom ever wuz. so i had to take a walk n we wuz laffin n we had to touch jes to hep each other stay up rite. purty soon, i had to upchuck n by then we wuz over by mcclung tower, so i lay down in the grass n dun it. then we walked a bit more till we gut to the liberry, n i dun it agin. then down on cumberland rite in frunt of the studint lounge, i lay under a bush n dun it a thurd time.

when we gut back to her house we larnt we had us no key. i dont member doin it, but turnt out i clumb up the drain pipe to the roof n broke into her place n nex thang i memberd wuz wakin up in bed with her. i wuz nekkid n she wuz wearin a long flannel night gown, but we wuz bof hurtin. n we talked bout whut had happend n then gut up to take showers n clean up, but the pain wuz so grate we went back to bed.

nex time i woke up, i lay back n put my arm roun her n she turnt on her side n cuddled agin me. we gut to talkin bout luv. n we red sum bout luv in the book of john. n we talked bout ackceptin ones ownself n all. n then i kissed her n she wuz kissin me back n purty soon twuznt only me that wuz nekkid n for i knew it we wuz near the promissed land but then she sed we couldnt on a counta she wuznt on the pill. we wuz froze by the statemint but purty soon she sed thay wuz other thangs ye could do. n i half to say twuz one of the longest n most amazin seduckshuns of my life n by time we could finely touch, we jes couldnt git a nuff. n ever thang wuz made sweeter by the fack that we couldnt finish, tho we cum mitey close n tiz a wonder she dint cum up pregnunt.

but she dint n i tuck to stayin with her ever nite. twernt easy on a counta she wuz very fragile emoshunally n verr dependint on me once i wuz thar, but i kindly lacked that n it seemed all rite if i wuz the strong one even if it mint listnin to her whine a lot. n thang wuz, when i wood be sittin with her in my lap n listin to whut wuz makin her wurry, i could feel whut el doc tore had sed bout luv.

then el doc cum n give a talk over at mcclung so i went n herd it. twuz purty much the same stuff only when twuz over, i went up n thanked him fer all he had dun fer me. he looked at me rite in the eye n sed, 'have fun with your death, buddy don. remember that even the flower that is thrown into the fire still bloomed.'

i thought bout thatn a long time n figgerd it mite have sumthin to do with emily n twuz the thang that broke the dam of emoshun twixt us. but then eli called me n ast could i cum spend the evenin on a counta he needed to talk. n whut he needed to talk bout turnt out to be killin hisself. we drove fer a long spell talkin bout it n i half to add mitt, part of me figgerd twuz jes a matter of time till he dun it, but i sed sum thangs that wuz on my mind thanks to that wurkshop, n he has quoted em back to me ever since.

furst, i sed how death is given n ye gone die no matter whut, so why hurry it along? tiz a simple concep, but tiz amazin how it wurks. he qutoes thatn a lot.

but whut he quotes the mos is on a nuther topick. i wuz splainin how since death wuz a given then thay aint no reason not to do thangs lack rite pomes n that tiz good to rite. i sed how when god makes a flower, he makes it so itll bloom. aint no reason the blossom has to be beeyootiful n smell so sweet. god coulda made insects that lacked horrbull smells n ugly thangs, but they cum out beeyootifull. same is true of folks, i sed, on a counta sumbidy lack eli that has blossoms n thats the reason god made him.

eli ast whut blossoms did he have n i ast him wuznt it obveeus? n he ast did i mean his pomes? n i sed i did, n that stuck with him a nuff that fer the furst time ever, he agreed to let me make copies of em, witch i been makin copies of everthang ever since.

innywho, i got home that evenin, witch that wood mean i gut over to whar i had moved into 1300 clinch with emily, only that evenin emily wuznt home.

so i wrote on my novel n felt myself bloomin.

amazement of buddy don:
traffick report

up till yesterdy, the main way folks wood find this site wuz by searchin on the wurd 'hillbilly,' witch that makes sense on a counta tiz one of thonly wurds i spell rite. i git almost 60% of search injun traffick on that one wurd. i figgerd twuz bout the bes i could do ifn i dont start spellin thangs rite n usin stanturd english.

so twood be hard to find sumbidy more sprized than i bout the effeck on yer traffick of hostin the Rocky Top Brigade's Volunteer Tailgate Party, witch thats whut i jes dun fer thanksgivin. up till yesterdy, the mos hits i ever gut in one day wuz 109. yesterdy, i gut 479! i know that aint much compard to folks lack south knox bubba (over 250,000 hits to date) or instapundit (average of 33,000+ hits per day), but tiz a step in the rite direckshun, so to speak.

moral of the story? see ifn ye kin git yer chants to host an RTB VTP!

parties of buddy don:
volunteer tailgate party XVI

mos ever other thursdy ye kin participate
in a lil party at the volunteer tailgate
n folks will cum frum miles around to celebrate (n eat)
n brang the kind of fellowship that rarely kin be beat

here cum yer wingnuts n yer moonbats n yer folks with lives
to share with us the kinda stuff on witch a party thrives
here cum yer poets n yer pundits with thar wacky views
n whuther they be rite or rong, the reader gits to choose

first ups our frien, say uncle, a fightin with the funk
n if yer thankin sumthin stanks, tiz jes a local skunk
but that aint all, hes gut a piece bout bush's latest ad
with comment airy frum all sides, be it good or bad

nex thar be a deb so sweet they call her sugarfused
who rote to say she hadnt much, but she wuz jes confused
fer on her site, i surfed around n took a lil peek
n thar i spied a lode of poems that she calls sugarspeak

mayhap ye be a jonesin fer sum new place to go
so here we have a piece about the cumberland plateau
it cums complete with fotos of the trail to virgin falls
its frum our own les jones, so have a look, y'all

nex ups a friend named adam groves, who rites frum utk
to document the librul slant he claims gits in the way
as proof he sites sukhmani, a riter fer the beacon
who only wants sum fair n balanced paid-fer publick speakin

then we gut us mr. mike, frum memphis he duz hail
who reads the memphis papers n gives us the detail
about a pundit name of baker whose logick is unsound
click here to read Half-Bakered (tho ye mite half to scroll down)

then thars an open letter at missives anonymous
to sumone on the trail of danielle (shes one of us)
a freshman with a english projeck, study of a blog,
fer whom it seems that readin is jes a long hard slog!

then we have teresa pratt, her sites called hatamaran
she's a lover of cats n maker of hats (buy one if ye can)
she brangs good cheer with a pitcher here, wurthy of any poster
tiz the oddest thang innybidy wood brang: a hillbilly roller coaster!

if fake blood makes ye thank ye need to run n git yer mommy
then stay away from the site misnamed "big stupid tommy"
fer thar he splains the minny pains of makin yer own flick
witch shootin it is purty hard, but gittin cleans the trick!

nex let me point to cj hoyt, whos up fer innythang
splainin how ded senators drug benefits kin brang
then he sets his sites on thangs that makes me so afraid
the wurst two movie sequels that ever have been made!

to barry whos innkeeper of the inn of the last home
i owe grate thanks fer heppin me git started on this pome
(ye mite not ketch jes whut i mean, but ifn ye should host
a tailgate party in the futcher, he will hep the most)
he sends a cuple pieces that're bound to touch yer hart
both involve his daughter, who must be verr smart!
the ones about a nursery rhyme strate frum les miserable
tutherns a conversayshun that mite make ye wonta sob <g>

then we have jay johnson, whose sites called drawing dead
so far he is thonly one with football in his head
he rites with grate eloquence about the bcs
witch he points out is wurkin fine tho sum thanks its a mess

whut kinda a party wood it be if granny wuznt thar?
so here we have her rant about ruinin medicar
ifn ye lack this kinda thang, ye kin git yer slant
by makin it yer habit to visit granny rant

manish lacks to say hes a damn forner all the time
but to me he seems to be jes lack a good ole friend of mine
his contribushun to our party gives us sum perspecktive
upon our war thar in iraq, a brilliant retrospecktive

revernd donald sensing sends us a thoughtful piece
filled with keerful argumint to make ye thank (at lease)
examinin the questchun of whuther it could be
that both christians n muslims praise the verr same deity

a tailgate party of volunteers jes woodnt be the same
without our fearless leader, south knox bubba be his name,
he notes that on this day of thanks, thays much hes grateful bout
includin the rite to fuss n fite, to let the truth git out
n aint it grate to participate even ifn ye dont agree?
hes the kinda lad who makes me glad i cum frum tennessee
here is his contribushun, tiz last but not the lease
so keep a sense of humor, y'all, n ye shall keep the peace

finely, i hope ye all dont mind i rote this doggerel
mayhap theyll call it sumthin new: how bout bloggerel?

pinions of buddy don:
slackin off befor the holiday with a few jokes

ye probly dun herd thisn, but sumbidy sent it to me n gut me to laff:

While walking down the street one day, GWB encounters someone who believes in exercising his Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms. The next thing he knows, he's at the Pearly Gates, facing St. Peter.

"Well," says W. a little nervously -- he's thinking about the South Carolina primary and Harken Oil, among other things -- "did I make it?" He gives that sick smirk we all know and love. "After all, I'm a believer."

St. Peter smiles kindly. "Oh, there's no question of 'making it.' All that sheep-and-goats stuff is just poetry.

Whether you spend eternity in Heaven or in Hell is entirely up to your choice."

"Great!" says W., with not a little relief. "I'll take Heaven."

"Not so fast," says St. Peter. "After all, this is the most important decision of your -- well, I can't say 'Of your life,' anymore, now can I? -- let's just say the most important decision you will ever make. How can you know whether Heaven or Hell suits you better until you've spent a day in each?"

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules. Don't worry: I don't think you'll find a day in Hell nearly as bad as you've heard." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself at the first green of a perfectly manicured golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other people who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell, friends from Yale, friends from the oil business, ...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I'd better not," says W.

"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Skull and Bones brother with real horns. Satan explains his policy of "compassionate damnation," and GWB has had enough Margaritas so it sounds as if it makes sense.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as W. steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to try the other option," says the Keeper of the Keys, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than power and money, and treat each other decently.

Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!

Worst of all, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. And the prophets! They sound a lot like Paul Krugman, always yammering on about "truth" and "justice" and stuff.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

"Are you sure?" says Peter sadly.

"I think so," says W.

"But thinking never was your strong suit, now was it, son? Don't you think you want to do a little praying first?"

"Hey! You said it was my choice, didn't you? Well, I've made my choice."

"So you have," says Peter with a sigh. So he takes out the Keys, escorts W.to the elevator, and sends him on his way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and W. finds himself in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like Houston.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder, burning him horribly.

When W. finishes screaming, he manages to ask the question that is now tormenting him almost as much as the pain and the stench. "I don't understand. Yesterday I was here and it wasn't ... it wasn't like this at all."

The Devil looks at him, smiles, and says: "That? Why, that was the campaign."

thays a nuther take on the same topick here: http://www.morejokes.co.uk/jokes/534/

n heres one thatll tickle yer innards: http://www.jokecrazy.com/article573.html

thisn gits a dig in at clinton: http://www.forwardgarden.com/forward/43093.html

n heres a nuthern bout bill: http://www.the-joke-shop.com/showjoke.asp?joke=799

finely, heres one bout our cleverst presdint: http://www.crr.com.my/joke378.html

watch this here space tomorrow fer

the rocky top brigades volunteer tailgate party XVI!

go vols!

pinions of buddy don:
is this inny way to run a bizness?

looks lack that new entitlement fer the prescription drug cumpnies is a'gone pass after all. mayhap it dun has. wuz i thonly one that bought the publican spin that publicans wood be less lackly to increase spendin than the demcrats? i thought tax n spend wuz bad, but borry n spend is even worser on a counta how much we half to pay to cover innerest on the federal debt. we spent $318 billions in debt service jes las year (2003). to give a lil perspective on this, the hole entitlement program fer them drug cumpnies is $400 billions over ten years!

how did we git here? well, frum 1946 to 1980, the federal debt (in current dollars) went frum $241.9 billions to $711.9 billions. frum 1980 till 1997 it went frum $711.9 billions to $3,772.3 billions. it then dropped fer a few years (till we gut a corse correckshun frum the current presdint), goin frum $3,772.4 billions in 1997 down to $3,319.6 billions in 2001, a drop of $452.8 billions. frum then till the projeckshuns fer 2004, its rizin to $4,166.1 billions. thangs keep on thataway accordin to the presidint's OMB perjeckshuns so that by 2008, we should git over the $5 trillions hurdle with a debt of $5,002.9 billions.

sum folks mite thank this new medicare reform law is a benefit fer the folks that needs hep payin fer medicine, but they wood be rong. ifn twere, the federal gummint wood be negotiatin in behalf of them folks n not in behalf of the cumpnies. fer instunts, the veterns administrayshun gits bulk deals frum them drug cumpnies, n that gits thar drug prices down a hole lot. we dun herd bout how drugs is cheaper in canada even tho thar made by the same cumpnies, n thats on a counta buyin in bulk n negotiatin the prices down. so ifn this bill wuz to hep folks, twood do sum bulk price negotiatin of its own, but in sted of that, they gut it tricked out to whar thats eggzackly whut ye aint allowed to do.

let me repeat: with this bill, the feds is prohibited frum negotiatin better prices frum the drug cumpnies! so tiz a gummint of the cumpnies, by the cumpnies n fer the cumpnies, not fer the people on a counta ye kin see witch side the gummint is takin in this fite.

kin ye magine usin this same kinda logick to run a cumpny? say fer instunts that the hed of the cumpny deecides cant nobidy in the cumpny try to negotiate bulk discount rates on computer equipment. in sted, they could tell each departmint that when they buy, they purty much half to pay the seller's askin price. yer ceo runnin a cumpny that way woodnt last one year on a counta how he wooda wasted his cumpnys money.

fortunately, thays sum folks that wins on thisn:

1. folks that contribute to publicans
   
2. folks with holdins in health care cumpnies
   
3. aarp insurance bizness
   
4. drug cumpnies: "The final version, however, omitted the popular idea of making it easy for American consumers to reimport U.S.-manufactured drugs from Canada and other Western countries where the medicines are less expensive."
   
5. drug cumpnies: "No industry in negotiations over the $400 billion Medicare prescription drug bill headed to the House floor today outpaced the pharmaceutical lobby in securing a favorable program design and defeating proposals most likely to cut into its profits, according to analysts in and out of the industry.
   
6. drug cumpnies: "One Republican with ties to the industry said drugmakers eluded the three things they feared most: legalized importation of lower-cost medicines, many of them patented or made in the United States; government price controls; and easier market access for generic drugs that cost considerably less than brand-name drugs. "In their view, by improving access for all seniors, we will ameliorate any pressure on the industry toward price controls or reimportation," the source said."

at least tiz still legal to order yer drugs frum canada, lack my publican in-laws has to do to make ends meet --

oops! rong agin. looks lack my in-laws is a'gone half to go back to wurk to pay fer the drugs they wuz gittin at under half price frum canada: "The bill essentially would prevent Americans from buying drugs in Canada by requiring the Department of Health and Human Services to first certify that it is safe to do so. The department's head, Tommy Thompson, has said he would not do that."

life of buddy don, chaptur 77:
the rug party

one of the hardest facks about all i wuz larnin over at utk n frum my private readin is how i gut to a point that couldnt hardly nobidy frum the farm talk to me bout innythang i wuz a studyin n realy innerested in. they wuz still a lil critickull bout collidge n dint thank thar wuz much use in that kinda educayshun, speshly mj. she figgerd twuz useless ifn it dint teach ye how to make sumthin or do sumthin to git money. she called the hole thang a stupid waste of time, a shadow boxin way of life. susannah had dun tole me she dint see the futchur in such studies fer purty much the same reason, but i gut her to cum around purty much. virgil wuz innerested in lots of it, but his strange way of deecidin whut he could know n whut he ackshly did know without observin the outside worl made talkin to him frustratin. eli knew bout the mos, but he had to be in the lead on everthang n hated takin inny new idees frum the lacks of me.

so it gut to whar ifn i wonted to talk bout the thangs that really mint a lot to me, i had to doot with folks i had met at the universty. one of my main friens fer talk (but not much of innythang else) was stephen sorrel, the guy who tuck me down to nashville to see 'the house' that the crowley deeciples lived in. he wuz innerested in everthang bout flossofy n relijun. n thay wuz shahram, who never gut tired of talk bout god n mistysism n all. but thay wuz a lot of uther friens i made.

fer one, twuz the furst time in my life that i made friens with my teechurs. one of the mane ones wuz fred villers, witch hes the one that taught that class in flossofy of literchur. he dint dress or ack lack ye mite speck a collidge perfesser to ack, tho mos of whut i speckted dint turn out to be the case innyway. he dressed lack reglar folk, dint let ye call him docter villers but ast that ye call him fred or even jes fred, witch i used to do fer a joke, rite in class, callin out, 'hey, jes fred!'

thang bout jes fred is he lived in this house out on kingston pike that they called the greenhouse on a counta how it had green trim all over't n kindly looked green when ye furst tuck a glance. twuz a huge house with bout four or five floors n lots of folks a livin thar includin a few other perfessers of flossofy besides jes fred. n thay wood be parties thar n all kinds a thangs happenin. lots of the kids frum the collidge skolars projeck gut to hangin out thar, witch them collidge skolars kids cum in two mane flavors whar sum of em wuz a stratelaced as ye kin git n serious bout everthang they dun n tutherns wuz not strate bout much of innythang. i dint know too many of them frum the furst group, but one or two of em frum the second wood be at the greenhouse mos ever nite.

once i had the playshure of talkin to these kinda folk, it seemed lack i could hardly git a nuff. they woodnt git a look on thar face ifn ye mentchuned sumthin lack hegel n his idees bout thesis n antithesis n synthesis or how that wurked in histry or how ye could study psycholgy frum readin dostoevsky. ifn ye tride the same kinda talk out at the farm, thay wood be these ugly looks faces that sed ye mite as well have jes stepped in sumthin the dog lef in the yard n cum in the house trackin it without wipin yer shoe furst.

so i gut to whar i wood go to thar parties n even sleep thar now n then. n one even when jes fred wuz talkin bout teechin flossofy frum literchur, i sed sumthin bout why dint we have a literchur club to do jes that? n he went fer it. purty soon we had us a thang goin bout once ever two weeks, n thang wuz, even tho we had to read so much fer skool, everbidy lacked the club.

frum that, i gut invited to sum weejee bord events they had goin, witch thatn dint turn out so well. thay wuz this amazingly beeyootiful blond hedded woman name of lisa who run one half of the bord n a fella name of brent who tuck tuthern. brent wus a good five yers youngern me, a lil on the fat side, lazy as could be. he wuz in the collidge skolars program, but far as i could tell, he never went to class. but he give me lots of respeck n luved it when i wood agree to read his tarot cards.

as fer lisa, i used to wonder bout myself whenever it cum to her. she had dun been in a few of my classes. she had inherted a farm over past oliver sprangs on yer way to wartburg. i had gone out a time or two at her invite sos i could show her a cuple of tricks on the peeano. twuz clear she lacked me a lot n i coulda had a date with her n probly a hole lot more. n thang is, she wuz much more beeyootiful than eether susannah or emily. but fer reasons i couldnt make myself unnerstan, i jes wuz never innerested, n that tells me lots bout whut makes folks go, or me at lease.

innywho, i cum to one of them readins on a counta brent figgered the entity they had contacted, a care ackter name of 'nur,' wood really git wild with me thar. lack i say, i had dun a few tarot reedins n that gut them to thankin i had sum kinda power, witch we all know taint so, but brent wuz convintsed.

as it happens, i had run up on the concep of 'nur,' witch twuz a big thang fer the sufis n represented the number 256 n the concep of lite, spirtchul lite, witch that gut me goin long befor the weejee thang on a counta the place the number 256 has in computers. so when i cum to the seance, as they called it, i gut to astin questchuns i knew the ansers to, n that purty much ended it fer me n them on a counta this 'nur' dint even know who he wuz till i tole him, n then he wuz crowin bout it. even jes fred sed twuz ded after that, n he figgerd twuz brent runnin the weejee bord sos he could git closer to lisa, n i had to agree.

tuther place i found folks to talk to bout whut i wuz studyin wuz among the friens that emily had, witch thar wernt but the two of em. one wuz laura bishop, the teecher of german i had who wuz in germny. i had talked to her befor knowin emily n felt lack twuz still a conversayshun on a counta the long letters she n emily wood share.

but tuthern wuz a fella name of ronnie peck, witch i cum to find out he wuz livin with emily whenever she had her fill of men n moved in with laura. he wuz a verr smart guy who could read almos as fast as emily, n he wuz always givin me books to read when i dint thank i had time fer em. he wuz always makin puns n it made emily mad whenever the three of us wuz together on a counta he wuz usin em to attack me, but fer one thang, i almos never gut em. i dint even know he wuz a'doin it till emily gut mad n i gut her to splain why. n then whenever i did git one of em, i wood play rite back.

corse, emily wuz the mane one i wonted to talk to bout thangs, n thar wuznt a topick she couldnt cover. ifn thar wuz sumbidy i wonderd bout, ford maddox ford fer instunts, she wood go to the library n git sum of his books n read em by time we wuz nex a'goin to meet n talk bout thangs. twuz mitey impressive.

innywho, once the nicer weather cum roun in may, we had us a party out at the farm n i invited all my new friens, witch jes fred n shahram n ronnie peck all cum to it. twuz the tipicull kinda party with a keg out by the firespot in the woods n plenty of theevil weed n folks frum everwhar. thay wuz a volunteer band made up of folks that brung thar guitars n such n folks brung food n all. twuz a grate party.

fack is, it gut to be a legend on a counta sumthin that happend bout midway thru. thar cum a sudden sprang rain that drove mos everbidy into the big house. i had that meersham pipe virgil had gut me over in turkey, n i loded it n started jokin bout how i wuz a'gone share 'the truth' with everbidy, but they wood half to git on the rug to git it. so folks gut to gittin on the rug till thar wuz barly inny room to move. n still thay wuz folks, so sum gut to sittin on the laps of tutherns.  we even moved all the furntchur offn the rug sos thard be plenty of room. finely, mos everbidy wuz on thar, even tho sum wuz stacked three levels deep.

then twuz a list of jokes n puns bout whut that rug mint n whuther ye had to be on the rug to git saved or jes to git hi. eli n shahram n ronnie peck led the way in the jokes, but i wuz thonly one standin n exhortin folks n all. n i kep sayin, thay aint nuthin mysterious about it, n shahram n eli n ronnie wood repeat it ever time, nuthin mysterious about it. i cant member how long it went on, but everbidy thought twuz about as much fun as ever theyd had at one of our parties.

but the mane thang that cum frum that wuz how turnt out ronnie peck wuz kindly spyin on me fer emily. seemed lack she wuz jes as innerested in spendin time with me after as befor n she dint mentchun innythang bout the party fer a while. then i ast her whuther ronnie peck had enjoyed the party, n she sed she dint know, but he had give her a report on it. i ast her whut that mint, n she splained how she wuz curious bout how i wuz 'on my own turf.' so i ast her, how wuz i accordin to ronnie peck?

she sed he gut the hole report down to four wurds. four wurds? whut wuz they? 'jesus and his disciples.' i laffed n sed i could see whar he mite git such a crazy idee.

n the idee wuz crazy, but whut i dint larn fer minny a year wuz jes how close to the bone of truth he had dun cut it.

life of buddy don, chaptur 76:
ye cant find the way

ifn ye gut a look at my universty trance scrip, ye mite could thank thay wuznt much differnts tween my winter n my sprang quarters at utk in 1978, on a counta how in each of em i tuck 4 hours of german n 8 hours of collidge skolars, witch fer that i had to hand in substandshill progress on my projeck, witch that wuz the novel crap notes i wuz a'ritin. only differnts wuz i tuck 4 hours of buddhism in the winter n 4 hours of islam in the sprang. but plain fack is, ye couldnt harldy find ye two quarters much differnt.

ifn ye wuz the kind that lacks to use metafors, ye mite say one wuz lack buddhism, all calm n meditayshunal n gittin the reason quite n tuther wuz more lack islam, burstin with life n intellect n mistycism.

thang is, i wuz jes trine to run the bases on all the major relijuns as part of my educayshun. twuz a way of keepin on with my search n gittin collidge credit. i had been a'studyin up on judaism frum the time i met susannah n i had studied hinduism as part of the rode to buddhism, witch i had been readin up on both of em fer years. but sum kinda way, i hadnt never give islam much chants on a counta i wuz so ignernt that i thought twuz a relijun of terrsts or i dont know whut. i reckon plane fack is i dint give it much thought.

so ye kin jes magine my sprize whenever i gut into the furst day of that class n professor runde gut started astin us did we know whut role jesus played in islam, n fack wuz, i kindly thought jesus wuz the responsbilty of the christchuns, but thar he wuz, big as life in islam. n same fer adam n moses n noah. fack is, they wuz all rated rite up thar with mohammet, witch he wuz the las of the profits.

i half to add mitt when i git sprized by a thang, i gut to read on it hardern ever to try to git caught up. so i tuck to studyin islam lack no thang id ever studied. larnt bout the mazin empire they gut goin in the furst hunnert years or so, witch it stretched frum spain to indonesia n twuz the biggest ever.

n i larnt bout the five pillars of islam, witch furst seemed a lil simple but on futher refleckshun seemed lack they wuz a way of wurkin yer bidy into bein faithful n obedient:

1. furst thang ye gut do ifn yer a'gone be a muslim is make a two part statemint in publick, (1) that thar aint but one god wurthy of bleef, witch they call god 'allah,' witch that means 'the god' n (2) that mohammet is the final profit of god. ye gut to fergive me fer puttin it into hillbilly. thang is, ye cant translate this stuff, witch ill splain that direckly.
   
2. nex ye gut to practiss yer prayrs, witch they gut em five times everday that ye spozed to pray: (1) rite after a'gittin up but befor dawn, (2) jes befor havin lunch, (3) rite round the time folks gits off frum wurk, (4) bout dinner time, n (5) jes befor a'goin to bed. n thang bout them prayrs wuz that ye dont half to concentrate on whut ye mite be a'prayn fer but ye do half to doot in publick, lease ye do ifn yer a man. i dont recolleck whut the women do or ifn they gut thar own times n places to go.
   
3. ye gut to fast fer a munth ever year whenever ramadan cum around. witch that means ye cant eat or drank nuthin tween sunrise n sunset n ye cant half sex neethur.
   
4. ye half to practiss charty, witch they had it all wurked out how much ye had to give frum yer gold n yer livestock n yew name it.
   
5. ye had to make a pilgrumidge to mecca, witch they call that hajj.

i wont bore ye with too many details bout it. i recummend a'studyin up on it now moren ever on a counta whut alls a'goin on in this here worl. but i couldnt hardly git a nuff.

back then thay wuz plenty of muslims on the campus of utk, mainly frum iran on a counta the usa had put in the shah n everbidy always talked bout how much the iranian peeple luved us fer keepin em free frum a dictator. virgil made friens with one name of mohammet n i wood ast him bout his relijun n thangs in iran, but he dint hardly know english that well n he dint wonta talk bout iran period.

but he had im sevrul friens n i made friens with one name of shahram, witch i dont member his las name. i wuz a'studyin the sufis n reedin a book by idries shah on the topick. that gut shahrams attenchun n rite away he cummenced to astin me did i thank i could git enlitenmint frum reedin a book n i sed i dint thank i could but i did thank i could pick up sum hints bout the way to go or even not to go, bout findin the path. n that gut us a'goin n thang wuz, we saw lots of thangs alike. fack is, i larnt more frum him than i did frum that class.

fer one, he put the three big westurn relijuns together fer me:

1. furst god cum to abraham n he brung this message: thay aint but the one god n the one god is god of all the peeple. n moses gut the furst part eggzackly rite, that thay aint but the one god. but whenever folks herd bout him talkin to god, they tuck to thankin this one god wuz jes fer the peeple god chose to tell it to, so they missed the secunt part of the message, that the one god wuz god fer all the peeple.
   
2. so god cum a secunt time, only this time as a man name of jesus to give the same messages bout the one god fer all the peeple, n whenever folks herd bout thatn they gut the part bout god bein fer everbidy, but they tuck to multiplyin the gods, addin in the trinity of gods, father, son n holy ghost n mary n saints ye kin pray to n so on.
   
3. so god cum a thurd time, this time as a book that ye cant never translate, witch thats the koran, n since ye cant translate it, innybidy that wonts to master whuts innit has to larn arabic the way twuz spoke back in the 7th centry ad. n this time the folks that herd the messages gut em, that twuz the one god fer everbidy. n rite away, they went out to splain this to the worl. n they wuz spozed to set up a relm of peace, witch they called it darm al islam, fer the peeple of the book, witch that wood be yer jews n yer christchuns.

n that aint even a lil bit of whut he splained to me. fer instunts, that class gut us to memrize them pillars i listed, but shahram tole me thangs they mint. makin a statemint that thay aint but the one god n that mohammet is his profit is a powerful thang. ye half to speak in publick. ye half to larn a lil arabic on a counta everthang depends on that.

n that thang bout charty, he splained, thats on a counta how nobidy is rich on thar own merit but only by the blessings of god n fack is, tiz a responsibilty fer thems whats gut to give to them whuts not on a counta tiz thars in the furst place. ifn god makes ye rich, then ye gut to do yer part fer them that god made poor n doin that brangs ye closer to god. he also sed tiz the justus of god on a counta fack is thays minny a persun that wurks hard n does rite but dont git rich n thays minny a rich persun that aint hardly good fer nuthin.

n thank bout them prayrs, he wood say whenever i sed the prayr ritchull all seemed hollow sumhow on a counta it dint matter whut ye thought. he he sed thoughts dont matter lack ackshuns do, n i had to give him that. n thank bout the times god asts ye to do them quote hollow ritchulls unquote, rite when yer bidys a'wontin sumthin else. in the mornin when ye wonta sleep, rite when yer reddy to eat yer lunch, rite when ye git off n mite could be thankin bout sumthin sides god, n rite at dinner time n rite at bedtime, five times a day to keep yer bidy doin rite.

brang yer bidy along, shahram lacked to say, n the mine has gut to follow on a counta how tiz stuck inside.

but shahram wernt thonly persun to shake up my way of lookin at thangs. i met a nuther muslim name of sa'id frum palestine at a party one time. shahram innerduced me, n soons he met me , sa'id tuck off astin me questchuns bout why our cuntry supported the theft of palestinian land, the genocide of paletstinian peeple. i tole him i dint thank we did, jes that we dint lack seein all them terrsts killin innocent folk. n he sed they wuznt terrsts but gorilla fiters n they wuz usin gorilla ackshuns same as menachim begin n the irgun zvai leumi used.

i had to add mitt i wuz too ignernt of the histry of the middle east to know whut he mint by irgun zvai leumi so he tuck to splainin zionism to me. n i tride to splain how twuz the land of the jews frum the beginnin n how god had give it to em. but he sed twuz gods will that let em be kicked out n let the arabs that lived thar have it fer nigh onto 2 thousunt years. twuz a point, but i sed how that led rite back to how it must be gods will fer em to have it now.

so he ast me to listn to a story n see did i thank twuz rite. twuz a story bout a man who lived in the desert. n this man wurked hard n razed camels n gut to be prosperus a nuff to buy him a place in jerusalem. n he had im a fine fambly with many sons. n when he died, he lef the land to his sons n they kep it n built more houses on it n lef it to thar own sons until it cum to be 1946 when twuz taken by force frum the son of the son of the son of the man who bought it. n that man, sa'id splained, that man wuz his grandfather. n thay tuck everthang he had but whut he could lode onto a camel. n thay moved him to gaza.

befor i could give a anser, he wuz gone n i never saw him agin, but he gut me to thankin n i aint been able to see the middle east lack i had dun befor ever agin. n that made me wunder jes how many thangs had i only barly seen but the one side of? how could a persun ever know a nuff?

twernt only thangs lack the middle east that wuz hard to figger. thar wuz thangs closer to home. long bout this time i had dun met emily, n that wuz lack a spark on the kindlin of the dride up relayshunship susannah n i had. but befor that final blaze burnt out, we gut to talkin bout thangs n durn that talk, i sed sumthin lack i dint know whuther i wood wonta have my children be jews. twernt that i wuz agin bein a jew, twuz jes that i wuz still a'searchin my ownself.

i reckon whut i sed hurt her moren i speckted. she gut real quite fer a mint n then sed how she wuz late on her period. i ast how late n she sed near two munths. that riled me sum so i ast when wuz she plannin on tellin me n she sed she wuznt. she could see thangs wuz over fer us or fixin to be over n she had dun figgerd she wood jes git it tuck keer of. i ast did she mean aborshun, n she sed twuz her choice. we had us a argumint bout that but i could see thay wuznt no way fer me to win even if i wuz the father.

but that dint end it. in sted, i wood spend bout ever spare mint on campus with emily n then sumtimes run to make my meetin with susannah or one of her friens. i cant member when life had me runnin so ragged n yet so eggcited.

thang wuz, thay wuz a spark thar with emily n we couldnt resist it sumhow. twuz easy to talk on a counta we had red hunnerts of the same books. we both studied german n i wuz plannin on gittin a skolarship to germany n she wuz a german histry major, so we lacked to talk bout germany n thank bout travelin thar.

twernt lack innythang sexual wuz happenin. i hadnt so much as made contack with her hand. we spent lots of time talkin bout how the worl is, with men in charge of mos everthang n women victimized. she even sed the penis wuz lack a weppon, a knife or a club, witch she even gut to thankin bout how sex wuz lack a metafor fer the hole violashun of the woman by men. n she wood shiver whenever she gut to talkin tou it n everthang bout her seemed fragile n afraid.

when she did it touched me so n i ached to touch her, to comfort her, but i never intruded. i ast why did she seem so fraid of everthang n she tole how me she had been abused at a young age, n i ast her whut happent but she wouldnt say whut twuz. i wunderd wuz she raped by a older man n sed sumthin lack that n when she dint anser i figgerd twuz sumthin lack that.

after twuz quite fer too long, i ast her bout aborshun. she sed twuz a hard one to figger. in rape twood be rite. incest maybe. then i tole her bout susannah. i cant say why i wuz holdin back on that n by the time i tole her, my hart wuz beatin loud a nuff to whar she had to here it. whut wuz i specktin? i knew she dint lack men. that we wuz jes friens.

she smoked the res of a cigarette n looked down n started stampin it out n kep on long after the fire wuz ded. finely she looked up n thay wuz tears on her cheeks n she sed she wuz threatend by how she felt bout me n fraid of her own hart. i ast her whut did she mean, but she dint anser.

i deecided i wood half to tell susannah i dint see the point of us goin on. fer one thang, i dint care whut otherns thought bout it, i figgerd the father at lease had a rite to know. so i cum home, loaded fer bear, n thar wuz susannah, happily lookin over sum figgers. i ast whut wuz they, n she splained how she had signed the papers fer her land n the paymints wood be $500 a munth fer thirty munths.

i tole her i wuznt innerested in no debt that hi. i had jes gut mine down to $80 a munth on the farm n twernt fer no thirty years. n she gut to splainin how good a investmint twuz n all, n lookin back on it now, i bet she made a bushel basket of money, but all i sed wuz i dint see how i could go on with a woman that wood abort my child without givin me the rite to have a say.

twuz one of them momints when the line is crossed. we both knew twuz over, even tho i luved her n she luved me. we jes wernt mint to be.

so we talked n laffed n cride till bout midnite n then the nex weekend, she moved her stuff out. everbidy at the farm thought twuz odd how we wuz friens even while we wuz a brakin up.

twuznt thonly brakeup neethur. turnt out brew n gretchen split up too, n he tuck up with a gurl that had the same birthday as emily only three years younger. twuz a gurl name of eliza beale that i had known at utk fer bout a year n invited to the rug party, witch ill splain thatn direckly.

fer a while, i had to wunder whut i wuz a'doin. i hadnt never touched emily n thay wuz no way i could magine it. but i wonted to be with her so that i couldnt bear fer thar to be nuthin to stop it. n that mint givin up susannah. shore, thay wuz plenty uther reasons i could use, the aborshun or the differnt ways susannah n me wonted to go, but plane fack is, twuz all on a counta emily.

n that gut me to wunderin bout the hart. i had dun studied mos flossofers n the major relijuns n dint find nuthin that seemed rong nor nuthin that seemed to eggsclude all tutherns. n seemed lack my hart felt the same way bout women. i still luved darlene even if i wuz finely glad we wuz apart. i still luved susannah. mos of all, i luved emily n hadnt never sed it.

i gut to talkin to shahram bout the hole thang. i wonted to talk to virgil, but he dint lack susannah nun to begin with. same with mama, who wuz glad to see i had quote finely got shed of the jewess unquote. but shahram could see it in the terms it wuz hittin me hardest, witch i couldnt see how it could be rite fer me to be feelin all this. wuznt i spozed to luv jes one woman?

he sed twernt thataway. ye aint trine to larn how to luv one woman only. yer trine to larn how to luv god only, cept ye cant even see nuthin bout im yet. when ye do, yer a'gone fine that ye aint trine to larn to luv jes one, but to luv em all.

i ast how could that be? n not only that, but how could it be that i could be in luv with so miny differnt flossofies n relijuns?

he had a way of gittin me to look him in the eye. then he wood hold up one fanger n start talkin. thats jes whut he dun then. he splained bout the sufi way, how the sufis is all on a journey to fine god n tiz powerful hard on a counta god is more than inny one mind kin hold. n not only that, the intellect is confused by the ego, witch he sed that wuz the bidy n twuz one reason in islam ye had to make yer bidy do thangs lack pray a sartin number of times n ye had to fast n perform hajj n all. n whenever ye do that, ye push back the ego a bit to give yer sole a chants to git closer to god. he talked a bit bout the names of god n how each pilgrum on the path wood figger out his own name n each name wuz a way god had epiphanized his self fer the pilgrum.

i sed i dint git how this splained innythang. whut differnts did this make?

he sed twuz all in whut god is, witch he sed god is everthang that god made n god made everthang sos to eggsperients more n whenever ye cum closer to part of god, ye give god a chants to see his ownself.

but whut wood that mean?

twood mean that whenever ye git to mysticull illuminayshun, ye gone fine out that ye should luv everthang n everbidy since tiz all god.

he could see i wuz purr plexed so he sed the hole thang aint sumthin ye gut to unnerstand. tiz sumthin ye gut to ackcept.

nex thang ye know, it coulda been a presbyteryan. he splained how god dun knows everthang that is, everthang that has happend n that will happen, so ye gone do whut ye gone do. thonly questchun is whuther ye keep god in her hart n larn to ackcept yer own fate.

still the puzzlemint wuz lack a mask on my face.

so he splained a nuther way. he sed how i wuz always sayin i wuz a lookin to find a master but i dint unnerstan the mos basick thang bout that, witch that is how ye dont find the master. the master finds yew.

i ast wuz he trine to say he wuz my master n that made him laff.

then he splained it one more way. ye dont find a map to larn yer path. yer path finds yew n frum it yew make yer map. n ifn yer map is a'gone be rite, ye half to take whut cums. n that means ye gut to ackcept yer fate, witch ye gut to go thru everthang yer own way. ye cant go rong longs ye git to whar ye ackcept whut ye be.

i wonted to tell him i had dun been knowin that fer a while but i kep quite on a counta knowin it hadnt hepped me a bit at doin it.

life of buddy don, chaptur 75:
crap notes

as part of my obligayshuns under the collidge scholars program, i promissed i wood rite a novel. twood be my senior project, witch ye had to have one to graduate with collidge scholars fer yer major. i gut em to let me do a novel on a counta i needed sum kinda way to git me to rite one. i had been dreamin of bein a riter since i wuz eleven years old n rote a cuple of pomes. i showed em to mama n she lacked em a nuff to ast fer more, n that gut me goin.

thay wuz times, lack in junior hi skool, when ifn twernt fer ritin them pomes n later short stories, i dont thank i coulda made it. i wood be hurt by the stuff that kids that age are foolish a nuff to care about, witch thats thangs lack whuther a gurl says hi or whuther ye kin play football or baseball good a nuff sos ye wood git picked in the first few in sted of as the last one. as ye mite member, thay wuz more ways than ye could shake a stick at to git yerself into a lil depresshun. n whenever it happened to me, i wood rite a nuther pome, n purty soon i wuz feelin ok, speshly ifn the pome came out all rite.

that dont mean them pomes wuz inny good. they dun me good on a counta it seemed lack i had sumthin goin on in my life other than the junior hi skool soap opers that set how everbidy else wuz a feelin. but i gut myself in the habit of ritin, furst with them pomes n later with a diary n then i tride to rite longer thangs lack short stories.

my dream wuz to rite novels. i wonted to be lack dostoevsky, witch he rote one of the gratest novels of all time name of the brothers karamazov. thang wuz, once i finely gut suthin longer writ, it dint turn out to be all serious n tragickal n all i had hoped fer it. in sted, it turnt out to be pure irony n more than a lil funny.

it tuck me a few tries to git goin on whut i wonted to rite. i wood half to turn in a typed vershun of it, so i figgered i wood type the ruff draft. thang wuz, i couldnt get nuthin i lacked writ down thataway. i wood try to git sumthin, start makin typin miss takes, tell myself it dint matter nun, but git so wound up by them miss takes that i couldnt git no more ritin dun. i wood lack as not rip out the piece of paper frum the typewriter n wad it up n throw it into the waste basket along with all tutherns.

it gut me a lil deepressed, but then i figgered i should wurk it the same way i wurked thonly other long thang i had writ up to then, witch that wuz my diary. n i gut to thankin bout that verr diary n that led to one of the mane idees of the book, witch i deecided i wood make each chaptur the idees writ down by the mane care ackter whenever he wuz takin his daily dump. i figgered twuz a symbol for how his life wuz too full of junk that dint matter, his job n his wife n all.

so i gut me a nuther notebook jes lack the ones i used fer my diary n i gut into the same habit, witch i wood open it n date it jes lack twuz my reglar diary, n purty soon, that wuz wurkin fer me.

n corse, i wuz under the sway of all them flossofers i had dun been reedin n tiz a wunder the book cum out with innythang of its own. but i wonted it to include lots of wry commentairy bout them same flossofers n i wood ack lack all them grate thankers befor me n pertend lack i wuz jus as good as inny of em. so i started the book off by ritin, "All men by nature desire to crap," witch that wuz a obveeus take off on aristotles metaphysics whar he starts out, "All men by nature desire to know." n thar wuz way too much of that kinda thang innit.

the big idee of thatn wuz how the mane care ackter, gregory gurley, wuz splainin his inventchun, witch he had cum up with the idee that ifn ye could git rid of sum of the ineffable conceps frum life, witch he figgered love n god could go, then he could fit the human personalty into a machine that wuz programmed. he called it DESIGN, witch that meant data environment synthesis through the integration of governing nodes. this wood be pronounced design but wood sound a lil like dasein, witch thats a german wurd used by heidegger n such n it means literaly "there be," but flossofers tuck it to mean sumthin to do with genuine bein or bein real. so ye kin see the kinda jokes i wuz puttin in thar.

n thang wuz, i gut into a nice set of habits while i wuz wurkin on it, lease until the nex big life change cum along, n twuz one of the sanest times of my life. i tuck two classes, buddhism n german, n tuther 8 hours of credit wuz for the novel. so i studied moren ever fer my classes n wurked on my novel. n when thar wuz time off, i planted my garden n spent sum time with susannah.

n all wooda bin jes fine, but our relayshunship had reached that point woody allen mentchuned in that movie name of annie hall, whar he sed, "A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know, it has to constantly move forward or it dies. I think what we have on our hands is a dead shark."

n whut wuz killin our shark wuz how it dint know which way to go. i wonted to travel n that wuz the mane reason i wuz takin german. i figgered since i wuz makin strate a marks in skool (ceptn fer that b in golf my first quarter), i should be able to git sum kinda skolarship or fellaship to study in a foreign cuntry. n since i had dun figgered out how i couldnt larn spanish, i looked roun fer a nuther langwage that i thought i could git, n german seemed lack it on a counta how ye could tell whut so many of the wurds mint, witch they call such wurds cognates.

but suze wonted to finish gittin her house built n move in n start havin babies. n rite thar wuz a nuther thang fer me to cunsidder. i had been a'studyin relijuns lack crazy, n frum the momint susannah n me furst gut together, i tuck a innerest in judaism. i read sevrul books, the bestn bein Jews, God and History. ifn ye aint red it, i wood highly recommend ye git a copy n read it. tiz a mazin tale, n ye cant hardly read it without cummin away with new respeck fer such a grate cultchur.

so i wuz impressed by it, but at the same time, i had larned sumthin else bout it, witch the child of a jewish mama is a'gone be a jewish child. thats why whenever i moved up north later in life n mentchuned my mamas maiden name wuz mize, folks wood ast wuz she jewish n whenever they larnt she wuznt, ever jew i ever told it to wood let me know rite away that i wuznt jewish, as if i had been trine to git a unfair advantage frum my mamas name. but it push the point home as shore as innythang could. n i cant say why, but twuz moren i could figger out whuther i wonted our children to be jews. twernt lack i had a nuther relijun i wonted em to bleeve.

n thang wuz, i dint wonta settle down, dint wonta start a fambly, dint wont nun of whut susannah wuz mos wontin in life at that time. n she dint wonta folla me into whut i wuz wontin to do, witch i wonted to live in a forn cuntry n larn a forn lingo to whar i could really speak it n live in new york city sumday.

so we wuz predispozed to split apart, but inertia jes kep us in place fer a while.

befor ye knew it, twuz sprang quarter, n i tuck two classes agin, islam and the furst class of second year german. n one of the furst thangs that cum frum that wuz how they had em sumthin called german table, witch twuz a place in smokeys palace whar students of german could git together to practice speakin it. thay wuz a cuple of german teechurs thar to keep thangs on track.

n i sat down the furst nite n seemed lack thar wuz a blur of voices all round me, all talkin german lack twuz berlin or sumthin. i couldnt hardly catch a wurd that i could recognize, but i kep trine. purty soon i noticed thar wuz a verr innocent looking young student sittin across frum me. she wuznt sayin nuthin neethur, so i figgerd she must be jes as shy bout talkin german as i wuz.

so i wurked out a lil questchun in my mind, checked it all over to make shore twuz correck, n then i ast her, "Warum sprechen Sie nicht?" witch that means why dont ye talk? n shore a nuff, that gut her to talkin n seemed lack thar wuz sumthin sparkly bout her eyes n i noticed that even tho she dint whar no makeup nor nuthin, she wuz purty with her twinkly brown eyes n long silky brown hair.

n fer the nex week, i couldnt hardly thank of nuthin else ceptn that german table. n i wood ast myself why wuz i lookin ford to that? i wuz in a happy relayshunship n susannah desurved better n all. but the hart is made of stuff that the mind finds inscrutable, so thay aint much to say ceptn finely the evenin cum.

n shore a nuff, she sat rite across frum me n we gut to talkin about everthang that wood fit into the wurds we knew, witch she turnt out to be one of the readinest folks i ever met, n rite away i larnt that n could get a idee jes how much we had in common n i couldnt hep but thank twood be nice ifn we could talk a lil english. but the hour cum to its end n one of the teechurs ast me a questchun n nex thang i knew, she wuz gone.

it tuck me a few mints to git away frum that teechur, n once i dun it, i dint know whar the young woman could be. so i figgered i wood jes wait till nex week. i tuck a nuther look round smokeys palace jes in case, but she wuznt thar.

then whenever i lef through the frunt door of the student center, thar she wuz, smokin a cigarette n standing with one hand in her back pocket. she wuz dressed the same as she wood almos always be dressed, witch that wuz wearin a pair of earth shoes, blue jeans and a flannel shirt. we walkt twords each other n i could see she had sumthin she wonted to say but wuz almos too shy to. so i waited n she ast did i wonta cum over to her house sos we could talk a lil more?

n i sed i did but . . .

n after that 'but,' i splained all bout susannah n how i wuz involved n all. n she tuck it purty good n ast could we be friens, n i sed why not. so she led me over to whar she lived, witch twuz in a house on the corner of 13th street n clinch avenue, n whut wuz so sprizin bout that wuz how my daddy had lived in the same house round the time he wuz studyin law n meetin mama.

i went in n tuck a seat in a rockin chair near her bed, whar she lay back n gut to talkin bout how lonely she wuz. we talked a long while befor i larnt her name, witch twuz emily dickinson smith. her mama named her after the poet on a counta she had memerized one of her pomes, witch twuz the one that starts out, 'I heard a fly buzz when i died.'

emily had jus lost her lover n twuz rite hard on her to be so lonely. i knew a nuff to let her talk, n whenever she gut stopped, i wood sorta repeat the las thang she had sed, n that wood git her a'goin agin. whut a sprize to larn that the lover she had lost wuz one of my german teechurs, a woman name of laura bishop.

i hid my sprize n wunderd whut she wonted with me ifn she wuz innerested in women. but on tuther hand, i figgerd twood be easier to splain to susannah how i wuz friens with a lesbian than twooda been to say i wuz friens with a purty young woman who loved to read moren innythang, witch it bothered susannah how she wuz such a slow reader n dint care much fer literchur, witch she knew twuz the mane thang i wonted to practice in life.

but i dint jes git up n leeve upon larnin bout her lover. i figgerd ifn i wuz a'gone be her frien, then i woodnt only be her frien if twuz possibull to be sumthin more. so we talked a lil more till she ast whut i wuz studyin n that led to me talkin bout collidge skolars n her to wunderin whut twuz n my sayin i dint know too much bout it ceptn ye had to do a senior projeck.

then she ast whut i wuz doin and i tole her i wuz ritin a novel. n ye mite could thank i had lit a fire behind her eyes the way she sat up n begun astin me questchuns bout it, n the more i tole bout it, the more she seemed to lack it. she ast whut the title wuz, n i tole her 'crap notes.'

then she ast me sumthin that hadnt nobidy ast me befor, witch she wonted to know when could she read it.

life of buddy don, chaptur 74:
cuttin up pieces of my ownself

in the winter quarter of 1978 i tuck a class in buddhism, witch thays three mane thangs bout that relijun ye gut to start off with, n all three of em cums frum hinduism.

1. the furstn is how everthang everwhar is changin all the time, witch thatns a lot lack whut heracleitus figgered out in the western intelleckchewall tradishun.
   
2. on a counta the furstn ye gut the second, witch thatn says that everthang is suffern or leads to suffern on a counta ifn yer suffern now, then yer suffern alreddy n ifn ye thank ye aint suffern now, then yer a'fixin to suffer as soon as thangs change. n one of the mane reasons fer the suffern is how folks gits attached to other folks n thangs. everthang ye mite git attached to kin hurt on a counta tiz gonna change n sooner or later, that change is a'gone be fer the wurst. in the case of folks ye git attached to, however hard ye wurk at makin thangs good, eventually sumbidys gut to die, n then tharll be plenty of suffern.
   
3. n ifn that aint a nuff, the thurd princepill is how thay aint no 'i' or individual personalty in innybidy. tiz all an illusion, n tiz one of the mane thangs folks gits attached to that brangs em the mos suffern.

by the time i gut to that class, i had been studyin sum of them princepills without even knowin em yet on a counta a helth problem i gut round the time i wuz sixteen year old. that wuz the furst time i had me a sinus infeckshun. mama tole me whenever i cum up with it that twuz a permanint cundishun. n far as i could tell, she wuz rite. i wood go as long as bout three munths tween attacks befor i wood start gittin them symptums, startin with that funny feelin in yer throat n then gittin so my mucous wus thick n ugly n then twuz jes a sneeze or two till i had them hedaches. once that happent, thar wuznt much of  nuthin i could do bout innythang.

furst cuple times, i sufferd a lot till i larnt whut i needed, witch i gut that frum the same docter that deliverd me whenever i wuz born, witch his name wuz docter wilde n he wuz glad to see me evertime i cum. it gut sos i wood tell him i wuz on the way in n he wood rite up sum perscripshuns fer me, one fer a antibiotick n tuthern fer a antihistimean. i wood take one of them antibioticks rite thar in the offus sos to git a jump on thangs n i wood take one of them antihistimeans purty quick after that. by the nex day or so, thangs wood be gittin better.

then i wood fite off them symptums till the nex brake in the skool n shore a nuff, i wood git sick agin mos evertime. twuz as if the illness knew when i wuz a'gone be able to take time off n do nuthin till i gut better.

durin that time i thought a lot bout whut i really am. fer one thang, the enemy seemed to be my own mucous, witch i knew frum studyin biolgy n such that twuz fer my own perteckshun that i had it. but i gut to wonderin, when did it go frum bein part of me to bein part of the enemy? when did it git to the point that my own bidy wuz attackin its ownself? n why wood it doot? shore as yer born, furst thang i wood do is blow the stuff out of my bidy quick as i could. so whar wuz the profit in it to turn agin me thataway?

i had gut to thankin lots about witch bidy parts a person needs to be whoever he or she is. thar wuz that flossofy of literchur class i tuck, witch we started it out by readin a book by dalton trumbo name of 'johnny got his gun.' thatns about a guy who gits near killed in a war. he loses his arms n legs n mos of his senses. i cant member whuther he could here innythang, but he had verr lil he could do that mos folks cunsidder part of livin. couldnt talk or walk or see n so furth.

n i gut to wonderin, whut wuz johnny? he wuznt his legs on a counta he continued bein who he wuz whenver he lost em. n same is true of innybidy. lose a foot n yer still yew only yer a bit more limited in whut ye kin do. but folks talkin to ye kin tell tiz still yew. ifn ye take the leg, tiz the same thang. n ifn ye tuck the arms n both legs, woodnt ye still have the same persun left over inside? n thang is, ye git to wunderin jes how much of a persuns bidy ye wood half to have left over sos ye still had a persun, n i reckon we generly thanks that ifn we kin jes keep that brain a'goin, we'll still have a persun thar, even if that persun cant do nuthin but be thar n mayhap wunder whar in the worl he or she could be.

n ye kin jes magine how i wuz thankin bout all this whenever i wuz under the attack of the sinuses. wuz it me attackin myself? how wuz it inny differnt than when i turnt that car n aimed it at a tree? twuz slower n more painful n the hole time, i felt lack i wuz fitin agin it, witch i wuznt fitin agin nuthin much when i hit that tree. or wuz the part of me that wuz drivin jes a lil infeckted by sumthin that made it sick n same as that mucous, it turnt on me?

so when i gut out fer the winter quarter, here cum that sinus infeckshun jes lack clockwurk. i called up docter wilde n tole him i wuz on the way n we dun our usual bizness fer the same twenty dollers. twuz jes in time fer christmus n thang wuz, me n susannah had planned a trip to the outer banks for tween christmus n the nex quarter, witch it dint start till january fifth.

i sufferd thru christmus n barly member innythang that happend. we wuz too ole fer it to be lack twuz whenever we wuz lil n grandie wuz still alive. in them daze, the hole fambly wood gather at her house in wartburg n we wood have bible readin n hymn sangin n presunts fer everbidy. we wuz too ole fer that by then, but mos everbidy frum grandie on down, all the cusins n ants n uncles n everbidy cum together at mamas on a counta twuz her turn.

thay wuznt nary a wurd bout our lost cusins persilla n her bruther pete n i kindly wunderd whuther thar had ever been such folk. woodnt sumbidy mentchun them sumtime ifn thar wuz such kin of ourn still in this worl? n thang wuz, i gut to thankin mayhap i had magined the hole thang bout them, so i dint ast uncle jeff no questchuns, witch thay wuznt no way to ast him without astin ant hester on a counta the way she kep rite by his side at ever momint. i wuz hurtin too much to ast innybidy much of innythang, but i couldnt hep but wunder whut had happened.

randy fox had bought hisself a old van with a stove n bed in it frum a junkie name of dusty rhodes, witch dont nobidy know his real furst name, but everbidy always called him by his nickname. n susannah had cunvints randy to let us use it fer a trip she wonted to make to the outer banks north carolina. susanah wuz one to make the mos of ever opportunty n she figgered we could bof have us a good time n twooda been a good idee ifn i hadnt been so sick. but i figgerd i had dun gut my drugs n i generly gut better purty quick after that.

so the day after christmus, we tuck off in that van n drove as far as we could. i dont ritely member whar we stopped. by then my temperchur wuz verr high, tho we dint know it till twuz almos too late. we had found a park of sum kind whar ye could park n sleep. i tuck the floor n give susannah the bunk, witch that wuz a miss take, but thar wuz no other optshun on a counta the way daddy razed me.

but twuz a miss take n purty soon, i gut to shivern n feelin lack i wuznt able to stop. n i wonted to ast suze could she hep me sum kinda way, only i couldnt thank whut she could do fer me. i figgered i wood half to fall asleep purty soon. but thang wuz, the metal floor of that van wuz bout as thin as could be, n no matter how i tride to warm up, that floor wood git me cold agin. n i couldnt fall asleep n couldnt stop shivern.

purty soon it gut to whar i wuz shakin the hole van n that woke susannah up n she tuck one swipe of my forhed with her palm n sed i wuz burnin up. seemed lack i blinked or sumthin n when i woke up, we wuz in a motel room n she wuz on the phone arguin with sumbidy. she kep sayin she dint know whut to do n how i had a temperchur of 104 n i kep passin out. i tride to listn but i couldnt follow whut wuz goin on too well. seem lack i dozed off, but then she wuz shoutin, 'he's a 26 year old man, you idiot! i never said anything about him being an infant.'

nex thang i know, we wuz sittin in the mergency room, or susannah wuz sittin n i wuz layin on a cot they had thar. n turnt out i wuz real sick n they wuz wunderin had i dun damaged my brain n all. i dint follow much of thar deliberayshuns on a counta how i kep passin out, but they give me sum kinda shot n i gut to healin n after two more days in the motel, witch susannah paid fer it n woodnt here nuthin bout bein paid back, we gut on our way back home.

but that warnt the end of our problems fer that trip. fer one thang, i wuznt as recuverd as i mite have lacked, n we figgerd out purty quick how i couldnt be drivin on a counta i nearly dozed off before we gut thurty miles down the rode back to tennessee. so she had to drive, n twarnt cumfterbull on a counta the seat wuz stuck as far back as it could git n she had to lean forward the hole time n sit on the edge sos she could reach the pedals. n i kep fallin asleep.

then the van started losin power n slippin gears n losin speed n gittin slower n slower till ye couldnt git the gears to do nuthin n it jes stopped. i dont member whar wu gut stopped eggzackly but twuz near durham n thay wuz a guy with a fillin stayshun thar name of jimmy schmidt. he tuck a look under the hood n sed he dint thank the van wuz wurth fixin n ifn we wonted to git it fixed, twood take maybe two weeks to git the parts on a counta twuz a ole model n twood need a hole new transmisshun. he give us food n wuz bout as nayborly as innybidy i ever met. twuz he who tuck care of our van n thangs fer us n promissed to keep em locked up till we gut back fer em.

we couldnt do much of nuthin then cep stick out our thumb. we gut rides frum one town to the nex befor we gut a ride with a perfesser frum utk n he tuck us all the way to oak ridge.

i wuz on the mend but still runnin a lil fever of about a hunnert fer the nex week n on the weekend we drove out twards durham n met jimmy n hitched the van to my vw n pullt it home. randy junked it. i offerd to pay, but he sed it had only cost him $50 n he figgerd he owed me moren that. twuz thonly time he ever made mentchun of the money he owed me, but i never sed nuthin neethur.

whenever we met back up with jimmy schmidt, we tride to give him $20 fer his truble but he woodnt take it. sed we should member it n whenever sumbidy cum along in a simlar spot, we wood be payin him back ifn we hepped em out. he sed he wuz still trine to balance his heavenly books on a counta he had dun had more hep than he desurved. so we promissed. tiz a promiss wurth keepin.

we wuznt all the way back to tennessee yet befor susannah ast me whut i had spillt on my shirt n i looked down n saw how twuz blood n she figgerd it out bout the same time n that made her scream n then stop n then make me promiss to go to a speshulist. i promissed i wood go to the docters, but she sed i should jes ast him witch speshulist i needed, so i promissed i wood.

docter wilde tole me the speshulist fer me wuz a ear nose n throte guy name of docter pilger, witch he had im a offus one of them medicull centers on the turnpike. i went in n he tuck sum pitchers of the insides of me usin a x-ray machine n after he dun it, he cum out n sed i wuz needin surgry. he showed me the pitchers n ye could see purty clear whar my rite sinus passage wuz crookd n how thay wuznt hardly no way fer the mucous to git out.

n i wuz sprized to here myself ast im had he ever herd the one bout the hammer? n he ast me whut? n i sed how ifn yer a hammer, everthangs a nail. n he tuck offence to it n ast me did i know how serious my condishun wuz? n i tole him i wuz feelin poorly but wood be ok ifn i could jes git the rite antibioticks n anithistimeans.

but he wuz ritin on a piece of paper n even upside down i could see whar he wuz gittin reddy to send me to surgry n twood be fer that fridy, witch twuz my 26th birthday n fridy the thurteenth at that. n i ast him had he herd whut i sed, n he sed he had to do whut he had to do n twuz his duty. but twuz fridy the thurteenth, i sed, n he anserd, it will be your lucky day because you're very ill. but tiz my birthday, i sed, n he anserd, then i will be giving you the gift of better life. maybe the gift of life.

i started to say sumthin else, but he gut up n pushed me down on the lil hopsital cot i wuz on n he looked down at me n sed we wuz a'gone review the facks. i weighed a hunnert n ten pounds, witch that wuz way below whut a six foot tall man should weigh. i had a temperchur that woodnt drop below 100. i wuz a'killin myself. so i wood be havin surgry on fridy, lack it or not, n twood change my life.

i wuz kindly mad with that docter when he talked down to me lack he dun, but he sed his job wuz to keep people alive n hep em to git better, n he wuz jes doin his job, so i should shut up or say thanks.

so i sed thanks, n nex thang ye know, i wuz in that hospital n rollin twards the operatin room. n they gut me to try countin backards frum one hunnert n i dint git to ninety seven befor i wuz wakin up with a nose clogged full of plastic n rapped up in gauze.

the recovry wuz tuff n it did make thangs better, but purty soon, i gut a nuther one of them sinus thangs. this time i went to the clink at utk n thar i met a docter frum the navy name of docter grisbee n he tole me he had the same problem n thang wuz, i wuz a'goin bout it all the rong way. he sed i shouldnt never take no anithistimeans agin n i had to git over one of them infeckshuns without antibioticks ifn i wonted to git to whar i dint have em.

n then he splained how the objeck of the mucous is fer it to catch the allergens n germs that bothers me n gum em all up into sumthin i could blow out. but ifn it gits stuck, it picks up strangth n gits harder to git rid of n once it gits a'goin lack that, ye cant beat it. he sed i wood half to larn to git it out as soon as it gut thick. n he tole me i should take sum salt water into my hand n suck it up thru my nose, witch i couldnt do that fer many a year. but i gut his main point n whenever i wood git sick, in sted of stoppin the flow with antihistimeans, i needed to git it a'goin with salt water or sumthin lack a pill he give me name of entex, n that jes made thangs flow all the more.

so twuz that i begun to larn bout bein helthier even tho i had a long ways to go.

but thay wuz plenty other thangs on my mind. i wuz wonderin bout how my bidy wuz attackin me. n i wonderd bout how't could turn into the enemy frum when twuz me. n ifn i aint my mucous, then how cum my mucous cums frum me? why do i make it? could it be jes waste material? taint lack tutherns, yer urine n feces. n then ye git into the johnny gut his gun type thankin n ye wunder whuther ye need inny part of the bidy fer ye to be who ye be. n seems lack ye half to have yer brain at lease.

but mayhap ye dont even need that. thays folks who had thar brains cut into two pieces on a counta them docters figgerd it mite fix thar epilepsy. but them folks wuz still thayself only sum of em could sing but couldnt talk. but they wuz still who thay wuz.

n thanks to all this, i wuz able to unnerstan that thurd part of buddhism, witch thats the part bout how thays no 'i' or individual persun. n i say i could unnerstan n ackcep it, but at a sartin level, it seemed lack gurdjieff had the better splainayshun, witch he sed ye aint gut jes one 'i' but many of em. or mayhap twuz bof, that thar aint no 'i' but the illusion of the 'i' kin take many forms so it seems lack thars minny persons inside of each person.

n nowhar wuz this more obveeus to me than in the novel i wuz ritin on a counta it seemed lack i wuz cuttin up pieces of my ownself n i findin out thay wuz lots of persons livin rite thar.

sufferns of buddy don:
migrane hedache

thays this odd feelin ye git a while befor it starts n ifn yer lucky, ye notice it in time to do sumthin bout it. i generly git up everday n take two excedrin migrane strangth tablets n that keeps em off, but sumtimes tiz too late befor i notice. this mornin wuz one of them times. migrane dont make me hurt so much as they make me vomit.

my docter give me a perscripshun fer sum frova pills.  corse, they do stop the pain, but they still leave behin that awful holler feelin. they run $5.38 apiece, witch thats cheap ifn they wurked but rite steep ifn they dont.

they seem rite steep at the momint.

pinions of buddy don:
the art of war

thays this book called the art of war thats thousands of years old by a riter name of sun tzu. in it he eggzamines how ye win wars n thangs to avoid to keep frum bankruptin yer folks n overstretchin yer troops n cumin home in disgrace n even losin. in it he gives lots of ways ye kin avoid disaster or on tuther hand, ways ye kin win even if the odds is stacked agin ye. tiz a innerestin read n i advise ye to follow that lank n see whut ye thank. taint long.

thays a jurnlist at the new york times name of milt bearden that read sun tzus book n then wrote a articull bout how the enemy in iraq has eethur read it or studied the way the insurgents in afghanistan beat the russians with it on a counta how thar usin them same tackticks. his articull is called "Iraqi Insurgents Take a Page From the Afghan 'Freedom Fighters'" n tiz also wurth a read. heres a few of the main points:

1. sun tzu sed ye gut to attack the enemies strategy furst thang n thats whut the iraqis dun: "So it was probably no accident that as American forces approached Baghdad, expecting tough street fighting, the bulk of the Iraqi forces melted away. The American troops, forced to shift strategy on the run, have been bedeviled by the consequences of those early chaotic days ever since."
   
2. next ye go after the alliances, lack the un or the red cross or the poles or the italians or the jordanians or iraqi folks that heps our side out by bein po-leece or mayors or iraqi council members.
   
3. thurd thang sun tzu recommends is to attack the army of the enemy, speshly ifn ye kin doot without gittin attacked back, lack usin mortars to attack hotels or stingers anti-aircraft launchers to attack helicopters n such n usin homemade bombs to take out one or two of the enemy here n thar.
   
4. thang bout this is ye git to attack yer enemy n make him reack in ways that makes thang wurse fer his cause on a counta tiz hard to tell who the enemy is so in lookin fer em, yer almos bound to make sum innocent folk suffer n then they turns agin ye. milt bearden points out how the afghani 'freedom fighters' (witch that wuz osama bin ladens bunch that ronald raygun hepped start up) used this tacktick: "For every mujahedeen killed or hauled off in raids by Soviet troops in Afghanistan, a revenge group of perhaps a half-dozen members of his family took up arms. Sadly, this same rule probably applies in Iraq. "
   
5. finely, sun tzu sed ye gut to know yer enemy n know yerself. we cant ritely say we know eethur one verr well. we sartinly dint know whuther they had em them weppons of mass destruckshun (even ifn we did no bettern to use the wurds 'imminent' n 'threat' in the same sentence). we aint sartin whuter the enemy is bitter enders or al queda terrsts or saddams army or jes plane folk who hate to see thar cuntry overrun by forn troops. we dont speak thar lingo or unnerstan thar tradishuns. we dont even seem to member verr well whut the west taught em bout how to make a enemy suffer even when it has cuntrol of the place, lack lawrence of arabia dun, witch everbidy ought read his book "the seven pillars of wisdom."

thays sum bleeves saddam hussein wuz gittin reddy to fite us thisaway frum the verr beginnin. frum how he lost the war in 1991, he had dun figgered thay wuznt no way to beat us hed on. so sum thanks them iraqis stored up thar weppons n planned whar they wood hide n let us in sos they could start usin them principulls agin us. bes articull ive seen on that topick wuz in newsweek, writ by Vernon Loeb and Thomas E. Ricks, witch they even called it "Is this Saddam's counterattack?"

but wait, thars more, lack they say in them ads, on a counta whuts a'goin on in pakistan, whar ye mite member thay gut em a guy name of Pervez Musharraf as presdint, witch ye mite member hes one of them folks that bush dint know the name of whenever he wuz given that unfair pop quiz by the reporter when he wuz runnin his camp pain fer presdint (i mean, why should the presdint have to know bout such folk?). ye mite member how he sed twuz sumbidy who had dun brought stabilty to the subcontinet. not by usin democracy, witch thats the latest reasun fer why were a'doin whut were a'doin, but on violence on a counta how Pervez Musharraf tuck cuntrol of the cuntry by usin a miltary coup. so whut could he but up to now?

thays a articull that purty much tries to splain whuts a'goin on over thar in the daily times, a new voice for pakistan, witch the articull is called "Pakistan has legions of Bin Laden followers." dont read thisn ifn ye scare easy on a counta it tells how thangs is fallen apart over thar. the articull starts off with a quote frum our own cato institute: "'In Pakistan, there are legions of bin Ladin followers, plenty of links between government officials and terrorists and nuclear weapons that could fall into the hands of anti-American terrorists. This is not speculation,' according to Leon Hadar, a research fellow at the right-wing think tank the Cato Institute." these cato institute folks thanks pakistan is whar the real ackshun in terrism is, not iraq. tiz sum scary stuff.

aint no doubt that we gut the edge in the science of war. questchun is whuther the science of war kin beat the art of war.

dinner with ole friens of buddy don:
a evenin full of coincidents

las night me n miz buddy don had dinner with sum ole friens of ourn. one of ems a hair dresser who carries the nickname 'the fogger' n tutherns a skulpter name of susan abraham. shes the one that made sum of them skulptchers on the waterfrunt up in yonkers. we been friens ever since i gut marrd to miz bd, witch i been a'knowin the fogger since i met him in 1985 when i cum up to the city but miz bd jes met him on a counta me.

we hadnt seen em fer bout three years ceptn the miz gits her hair cut by the fogger, witch hes a artist lack ye never seen when it cums to hair. we been trine to lure em over to hoboken fer bout a year, but ifn ye know innythang bout folks that lives in manhattan, tiz how they have a low pinion of new jersey, witch they call it jersey n they call the folks that lives here 'b & t people,' witch that means bridge n tunnel people on a counta ye kin git to manhattan real easy using eethur a bridge, witch they gut em ten or so bridges, such as the george washington bridge or the brooklyn bridge or the one frum the song name of 59th street bridge, or a tunnel, witch thays three of them i kin recollect, namely the queens midtown tunnel n the holland tunnel n the one i take ever day, the lincoln tunnel.

n thang they hates to do mos of all is schlepp over to jersey, witch schlepp is a yiddish wurd fer lug thangs roun but tiz used lack 'go' only when yer trine to deal with movin roun in the city, schlepp seems to say it better.

innywho the new york waterway dun opened up a ferry line to the northern end of hoboken n ye kin catch it at 13th street. costs $5 one way fer a single person, so its a lil too steep fer my blood. i generly take the bus n git my bus pass fer the munth in eggschange fer $65. so we sold em on the idee of takin the ferry across n promissed em beeyootiful views n all, n fack is, once they gut here, they couldnt hardly bleeve how nice tiz.

we tuck em up to look at our apartment, witch folks luvs to show how nice thar place is ifn its nice n ours is. they wuz ritely impressed, mainly bout how thays a washer n drier built into the place n sum art on the walls on a counta i always been a sucker fer folks thats makin art. taint whut ye wood call a good investment in terms of makin money, but it does make fer a nice place ifn ye buy thangs ye luv, witch i dont know a nuff bout art to do nuthin else.

once they had made the tour of the apartment, we walked over to the madison bar n grill on the corner of washington n 14th street. thar we had a fine meal n lots of talk. n durin the talk, seemed lack mos everthang we sed led to sum mazin coincidents or other.

furst off, the fogger splained how he had him a good frien name of jim that used to live in hoboken but he had moved into manhattan on a counta his mama give him a town house on the east side in whut they call a upscale nayborhood. jims mamas on the rich side, case you dint pick thatn up.

so i ast the fogger had he seen his friend lately n turnt out thar had broke out a fuss n fite over sumthin nobidy could member ritely but it happened not long after his friend gut marrd, n long story short, twuz the end of the frienship. thang is, i had me a frien fer nigh onta 17 years, n whenever i gut marrd in 1997, twuz the end of the frienship. seems lack everthang changes whenever sumbidy gits marrd n thay aint the same mount of time lef over fer doin the thangs that made the frienship wurk n sides that, folks git jellus of the new wife or whutever. lease thats one way to splain it. tiz probly more complicated than i kin figger out.

so the fogger sed how he n his frien dont talk much no more n he hadnt seen him but once since the fite broke out. n fack is, he sed, twuz at a weddin of a nuther frien, witch he ast me did i know jake garrison? (in case yer wunderin, im a changin round sum of the names on a counta i dont know ifn folks wood lack me spillin thangs bout em a'usin thar real names). i sed matter of fack, i did know jake garrison n wuz i sprized to larn he wuz the one gut marrd.

the fogger splained bout how jake had marrd a heiress n i ast wuz he still fat on a counta whenever i wuz knowin him, he weighed in about 270 pounds n wuz one of the fattes folks i ever knew. n the fogger laffed a bit bout that n susan did too. thay splained how he had lost sum of his weight but gained it all back. i sed i wuz happy fer im. i member him bein a sad fat man on a counta woodnt no woman have nuthin to do with him.

so magine my sprize when they splained how he had marrd a woman name of esther cohen. witch i had been knowin her longer than innybidy thar. i couldnt bleeve it n had to show everbidy the inside of my mouth on a counta i could hardly keep it shut. i member her bein a purty thang but whut ye mite call a poor lil rich gurl. she wuz verr sad bout life even tho her daddy had dun set her up fer good to whar she dint half to wurk ifn she dint wonta. corse, she wood go crazy with nuthin to do, so i met her wurkin on wall street.

she lacked theater n i had writ a play that sumbidy had perduced, so we gut to be friens. she taught me lots bout drama n new york theater n all. once she directed a lil play n i wuz her assistunt directer.

so i wuz rite struck by the smallness of the worl n frankly amazed how she had marrd jake, witch hes a grate chef n thays lots to im but she wuz always a snob bout how folks looked n whut they did fer a livin n her daddy had tole her that inny man wurth his time wood make it to ceo, witch that aint sumthin jake wood ever wonta do. thang is, hes jewish n that counts fer a lot to her daddy, n he had em make up one of them prenuptshul agreements.

corse, turnt out jake n esther had met on a counta my ole frien of seventeen years, witch lets call him homer southern. so purty soon we gut the fogger to tellin bout him a lil n twuz the furst we had herd of him in years. twuz sad to lose a frien lack i dun n this aint the time to git into all the details that led to that, but ifn i kin keep a'goin with the life n pinions of buddy don, i oughta cum to it by n by.

so nex thang ye know, susan pulled out sum pitchers of her art in yonkers n miz bd sed she thought her stuff looked lack the thangs pavel opocensky is known fer. whut a sprize! she sed she had shared a studio with him n they did have similar idees bout skulptchur n all. whut a small worl, we wuz sayin. they gut to talkin bout the three act play of this mans life, witch he started out as a artist n then gut into a scrape with a skinhed n killt him so he had to got to prison fer a while n then he gut out n started in to makin art agin, only purty soon he wuz arrested fer endangerin children on a counta his art wuz made by rentin a cuple of roma (ye mite know em as 'gypsies' even tho tiz a ugly term to thar ears) children n takin thar pitchers. twuz a nuff to git him back into prison.

twuz quite a sprize how both miz bd n susan had met this same guy. corse, miz bd wuz livin in prague whenever we found each other agin (a nuther tale ill tell ifn i live long a nuff), so she gut to talkin bout prague n we all joined in talkin bout the charles bridge thar.

nex thang ye know, a purty blond hedded woman frum the table nex to ourn sed to scuze her but she couldnt hep overhearin whut we wuz talkin bout. turnt out she wuz frum prague n wuz a czech her ownself. n that led to more conversaytin bout prague n miz bds five years a'livin thar.

finely the dinner wuz over n paid fer n we walked the fogger n susan out to the ferry. n round then, both miz bd n susan sed how we shoulda ast the blond hedded woman did she know pavel opocensky, but fer all we knew, she mite coulda been his daughter.

thankee from buddy don:
max riffster, owner of mind warp, gives a lessun in comments

ye mite notice how thays a place he kin put in yer comments at the bottom of everthang i rite now. ye kin thank the ownder of a cuple sites, witch one is called mind warp n tuther is max riffter's dungeon. i aint hardly clever a nuff to figger his real name, so im callin him max riffster n i cant hep but wunder whuther he plays guitar n all n ifn he does, is he a max riffster. reckon i need to read his sites a lil more keerful lack. i git a kick outta his mind warp site on a counta hes a verr funny guy. ifn ye wont a lil laff to start yer day, read thisn bout signs.

innywho, max riffster wuz kind a nuff to send me sum clues on how ye kin git them lil comments thangs to wurk on yer site n the sprize wuz how twuz so easy. i shoulda dun it long time ago.

thankee, max!

life of buddy don, chaptur 73:
death is all aroun, inside n out

one of the classes i wuz takin that fall wuz existenchulism frum a grate teecher name of docter hans wilhelm schreiber. this wuz one class daddy dint lack me to be a'takin. whenever he herd i had it, he sed, 'i thought we wuz dun with them depressed communists back when we debunked that nauseatin john paul sart.' i tole him twuz still a'goin on n it had developed sum since then, but he dint wonta here it. he figgered twuz a ded flossofy n dint desurv much study. but twuz one of the bes classes i had on a counta that teechur. corse, the bes lessun wuz one docter hans wilhelm schreiber dint mean to teech, witch ill git to thatn direckly.

one of the mane thangs docter schreiber dun fer me wuz git me goin on this hans georg gadamer fella, witch hes a flossofer who bleeved that ye kin only unnerstand innythang so far as ye kin splain it usin wurds. twernt sumthin i wonted to bleeve, but i wuz havin a devil of a time proovin innythang else. thatn gut me in such a snit i wuz wonderin how i could thank bout ritin a novel, but i had dun started on it n had promissed i wood finish, so i rote on even tho it seemed lack my hole life wuz in rebellyun agin wurds n whut i wuz findin out bout em.

i member one day in particlar. i gut to whar i wuz ritin in my diary mos everday bout how wurds wuz too weak a vee-hickle to carry the thangs that needed sayin. i wood walk roun the utk campus thankin so hard bout this that i could fergit whar i wuz.

so twuz i cum to be standin in front of the undergraduwait libary on the corner of volunteer boulevard n andy holt avenue waitin to cross on a cold december day. i wuz so lost in thankin bout wurds that i wuz sprized when two wurds wuz shouted out in my die reckshun: 'hey rabbi!'

in the instunt i turned to look, i sumhow had time to wunder how the mind kin figger thangs lack it does, how it kin determine whar that them wurds cum frum, how they cum frum a car, a particlar car, a faded blue pontiac in fack that wuz stopped at the red lite goin uphill on andy holt, waitin fer it to turn green, how sumhow i could locate the lil fella in the middle of the back seat of the same car n could look into his eyes n see he wuz the one dun it n how i coud watch how five out of the six guys in the car wuz lookin at me, all ceptn the driver, n how they got the lite n drove up andy holt n i wuz still watchin when the lil man in the middle of the back seat held up his fanger to flip me the bird.

n the furst thang i thought wuz how that bird wuznt eggzackly wurds but it gut its point across, only rite away tuther half of my mind jumped in to remind me twuz a symbol he had used.

n that same day i went down to the macdonalds on the strip n ordered sum coffee n gut to ritin on my book. n in cum a talk black man with blood shot eyes n the drool runnin down offn his chin. i tride not to look at him till he cum rite up to me n leaned over n let the spit fall from his cheek onto the pages i wuz ritin, makin the wurds run in puddles of blue n purple. it seemed to amuse him, so he let a lil more fall till i stood up n pulled my papers to me.

n that seemed to make him a lil mad to whar he tuck a swipe with his lef hand at me. n i wuz jes as sprized as he wuz at how my lef hand cum out n caught hisn as if i wonted to do a hippy handshake of sumthin n he wuz pushin hard but bein as how he wuz a lil drunk, he wuznt all that steddy on his feet, so i could push back bettern he could push. n suddenly he tuck a swing with his rite hand, n thar went my rite hand, sprizing bofus at how it caught his hand n begtun to squeeze on it to whar he wuz hurtin.

i could see the scurity gard a'comin over in tellin the man he wuz a'gone half to leeve, but he wuznt budgin n then thar wuz the po-leece cumin with thar walkie talkies blarin n we wuz bout to be surrounded. n rite then i looked the man in his eyes n my eggspresshun sed how we wuz in thisn together n dint he see i wuznt the enemy. i dont know hot to splain it, but i knew he could see whut i wuz meanin, so he winked at me, let my hands go, n run out.

that evenin whenever susannah cum over i could see how she wuz upset by sumthin n turnt out mj had been a'callin everbidy to cumplain bout virgils wicked ways, witch i cant member the offents he had committed on this occayshun. n i listened n dint say nuthin till i felt that verr same eggspresshun on my face whar i wuz sayin we wuz in thisn together n all, n rite then she melted n cum into my arms n give me a kiss. n thang is, even while i wuz kissin her, i wuz thankin bout how i hadnt sed a wurd but she tuck my meanin jes fine.

then i tole her bout my addventchurs, savin the hey rabbi story fer las since i knew she wood lack it n shore a nuff she did. n bout the time i had that thought reddy to sprang frum my lips into wurds, the phone rung n twuz my mama callin to tell me maisies frien georgia crane had died of cancer n wood i be able to take her to the funrul? n for i could say innythang, she sed twuz fer 2 pm the nex day n i should meet maisie at mama's by 1:45. n i sed i wood doot.

nex day wuz existentchulism class n docter hans wilhelm schreiber cum in n sed he wuznt a'gone give us the normal class on a counta he had found blood in his urine cuple weeks back n his docters had dun figgered how twuz cancer he had. n he sed ever since he had foun that out, he dint thank sum of the stuff we wuz studyin wuz all that importunt no more. n he sed that even tho he knew twuz loded with myth, all he could thank to read wuz the bible. then he innerduced us to a new teechur who wuz a'gone take over the class, n then he wuz gone. n nex i herd of him, he had dun died.

twuz quite a lesson in existentchulism n the day he tole us bout findin the blood in his urine, he tole us he knew he woodnt last long n he wuz wunderin bout everthang he had dun been teechin us n we wuz filled with wunder to thank bout whut he wuz sayin, speshly since we all thought he wuz one of the bes teechurs ever n we had bleeved everthang he had been a'sayin bout reason n existence precedin essence n all.

so corse my mind wuz full of thoughts bout all that whenever i lef n drove to oak ridge to git maisie. twuz a verr sad funrul since georgia wuz so young. i had known her sepert from maisie knowin her on a counta whenever i had that horse name of lil dude northfleet out on my uncle brines farm, georgia wuz one of the gurls that hung round with gretchen n them. n she wuz so quite n shy i dint hardly git to know her much n ye mite say everthang i did know bout her wuz wurdless knowledge.

i wuz still filled with the wunder of whut i wuz thankin bout wurds n docter schreiber n all as i watched the ritchuls they wuz usin to make everbidy feel ok bout puttin georgias body into a box n buryin it in the ground n i couldnt hep but notice how much of the meanin of the hole thang wuz all in the way the revernd moved n the way they all ate the wafer n drunk the grape juice n all, witch that wuz thonly time i ever saw em do that at a funrul.

afterds, me n maisie drove down to our spot by the lake whar she cride n cride while i wuz holdin on to her. n she sed how she death wuz all around her, n then she gut to talkin bout the aborshun n how thay had been a lil child in her belly that wuz a'wontin to live but wuz ded now, n she sed it felt lack she wuz surrounded by death, inside n out.

thay wuznt no wurds to say back to her, so i jes kep huggin her n strokin her hed. n finely she sed she reckoned we mite as well git hi, so we did n befor long we wuz tellin stories bout georgia n whenever we did, seemed lack my memry wuz jogged bout ridin horses n how her horse wuz named carla n twuz a brood mare n how whenever they wuz breedin her, she wood be eatin hay n turn back to look at the over eggcited stud lack she wished he wood git on with it n let her eat. n purty soon we wuz laffin bout how life n death wurks.

i tuck her back to mamas n tole her to call innytime she needed innythang.

when i gut home, i found a note with ten dollars from kevin karnes. n thar wuz tinker, my cat, astin to be let in. n he wuz rite affeckshunit n crawled into my lap till i gut a phone call frum randy fox sayin how he wuz gittin a divorce, witch twernt a sprize atall. n whenever i gut off the phone, i saw whar tinker had dun peed in the corner, so i put im back out.

nex day mj foun his body by the rode n brought it home so we could bury it. n twuz only the small death of a small animull, but when i saw his lil body, seemed lack i could see docter schreiber n georgia n maisies baby n everthang that ever lived or died in the orange tangle of mud n cat that wuz lef over frum its life.

n the wurds runnin thru my mind wuz maisies, overn over, bout how death is all around, inside n out.

life of buddy don, chaptur 72:
beerds of a feather

one of the mos sprizin thangs that happened in the fall of 1977 wuz randy fox gittin marrd. he had dun disappeared, falln right off the earth as far as we could tell, n we hadnt seen im in munths. then one day he cums over n woodnt take a toke with us n sed he wuz gittin marrd to a woman name of jenny skinner frum over in harriman. his bruther wuz a'gone be bes man, witch we dint know he even had a bruther till then, n he wonted me n virgil to be ushers in the weddin party, n corse, we wuz reddy to hep innyhow we could.

i wuz happy fer my frien whenever he tole us bout gittin marrd, tho it did seem to be a bit of a stretch frum whar he wuz las time i had seen im. ye mite coulda thought he wooda been ded by then, but tiz one thang to lode yer gun, a nuther to stick it into yer mouth n pull on the trigger.

we pesterd him with questchuns lack whar had he met her n had he known her befor n such lack, but the ansers dint stick with me. seems now lack it did then that he musta met her one evenin proposed the nextn. turnt out he had been a'knowin her frum roane state communty collidge n we tride, but couldnt a one of us member who she wuz, witch twuz on a counta her not bein a smoker of theevil weed. n she wuznt yer flashy type, so twernt lack sum of them 'church women,' as sum of us called em whenever we wuz talkin bout the purty gurls that got all dressed up to go to skool n dint lack to drank nor smoke nor do much of innythang we thought wuz fun. we mite speckulate on how twood be to git a date with one n show her how to have a good time, but nobidy never dun nuthin bout it.

ceptn fer fox, n he had dun started makin eyes with this jenny skinner woman, n thang bout randy fox wuz how he had these green eyes that women jes luved lookin into. he wuz a big boned fella who looked bout rite when he weighed in round 230 lbs. he walked with a limp, witch twuz sumthin we shared whenever the weather wuz jes rite on a counta how my lef laig, witch thats the one i broke in that motorsickle acksident, wood git to achin n make me walk a lil funny too. but he never did nuthin but limp on it, n the thang i member mos bout im is the way he wood seem to lif up his lef shoulder n swang his laig roun in frunt n then take a step. n thay wuz plenty of times he wood carry a walkin stick n put it down on the groun n kindly jump his right laig roun in frunt of im.

turnt out this jenny skinner wuz a nurse practishuner, witch thats one that aint ritely a docter but knows bout as much n kin practice at bein the real thang, or sumthin lack that. i never really gut it figgerd cumpletely, n i thank god i dint half to spend a nuff time in hospitals to figger it out. but fer randy, twernt nuthin that could be better fer im on a counta he had moren more medicin he wuz takin all the time n he wood go under the knife bout once or twice a year, sumtimes jes to let his docters take a look, sumtimes to git a new piece of plastick put in to ack lack his femur. he used to joke bout how he oughta have a zipper installed, n in summer time he lacked to wear shorts now n then so he could make everbidy look at how awful them scars wuz.

innywho, he sumtimes gut into thankin bout how he wuz a loser at life on a counta how he wuz dependent on drugs n couldnt hold a job past the nex surgry n all, so he always figgered thay wuznt no way no woman wood wonta git hitched with him.

but i wood always tell him bout how women wood talk bout his eyes n how he mite seem lack a hells angel or sumthin, but his eyes wuz gentle as a baby lambs n it made women wonta see could they fix him up. tiz a rule i wooda added to my rules on how women wurks ifn i had knowed it back whenever i wuz puttin them rules down, witch women luvs to take on a projeck in a man to see kin they fix him, witch thats why sum of em lacks to marr gay men n sum of em lacks to marr outlaws n sum of em lacks to marr drunkerds n sum even lacks to marr them that beats em up. i cant splain why this should be, but i have seen it many a time.

jes to show ye how sorry we had becum as fans of them vols, he gut marrd on the thurd saturdy in october n dint nobidy say twuz a bad day on a counta twuz the day alabama n tennessee played football, or as folks mite coulda sed in them days, twuz the day bama wood give tennessee thar annual whuppin, on a counta lack everbidy knows n cant seem to fergit, twuz durin the darkest days of that rivalry when bear bryant wuz still alive n luved to tortcher tennessee. he wood say thangs bout his team to sports illustrated lack, 'we aint gut much this year,' n then cum n whup us with his furst n secunt n thurd strang players, n i mean knock us over n even hep us git back up, a horrbull thang that lasted fer eleven strate years.

in sted, we made plans lack thay wuznt nuthin else of importunts happenin that day, startin with the rehearsal dinner fer the fridy nite befor. i met susannah at her place n tride to git her to move a lil faster so we wood be on time. she gut dressed n reddy quick a nuff sos we culd walk over to randys parnts place. we wuz only bout fifteen mints late, n lack happens when folks is up to sumthin a lil unusual, nobidy wuz reddy thar neethur.

i met randys mama n bruther fer the furst time n rite away i could see whar he gut them eyes. his mama wuz old as mine but she had the purtiest eyes ye ever seen only hers wuz blue in sted of green. she wuz a verr smart lady but she ackted lack her husbin wuz smarter on a counta he wuz a mathmatishun n had lots of advanced degrees n all, but ye could spot her fer the smarter of the two after bout ten mints of conversayshun. she unnerstood her son a hole lot bettern randys dad dun, witch he mosly seemed lack he wuz afraid of his own son.

his bruther wuz mister strate n narrow cordin to everthang we wuz tole bout him. he had gone strate to collidge whenever he graduwaited from oak ridge hi skool n he wuz studyin to be eethur a mathmatishun lack his daddy or a injuneer n he wuz chasin a duble majur to git it dun. he wuz even biggern randy even tho he wuz younger, n he had them eyes but looked a lil on the fat n sof side, witch that wuz sumthin ye couldnt say bout randy ever.

virgil n mj met us at the foxes, n we gut into the car randy wuz a drivin, witch twuz a stayshun wagon that blonged to jennys father on a counta they wuz doin sumthin to his new car, we all smoked a number ceptn fer randy n couldnt nobidy bleeve he wuz really givin up theevil weed, n fack is, soons we wuz outta earshot of im, mj sed the marrg wuznt a'gone last longern a year maybe on a counta ye cant make sumthin strate that gods dun made crooked, witch she figgered thats how god mint randy fox to be, crooked. virgil gut mad to here her say sumthin lack that n sed the lease she could do wuz be postive till the marrg wuz over, n she sed she wuz postive that twuz the rong thang fer randy to do.

furst thang we dun whenever we gut to harriman wuz all the men went to look at the wurk that had been dun to randys new car, witch he had bought him a lincoln town car n thay had put new radial white walled tires on it n tuned it up n changed the oil n dun sum kinda wurk on the injun that we had to bend over to look at n purtend we could see how much better twuz, witch i reckontwuz better on a counta how virgil reackted.

after we had talked over everthang ye kin say bout car wurk, we all went into meet jenny n her folks, witch i dint know that wuz whar we wuz a'goin, but i gut it figgerd out purty quick. once we wuz in thar, the odd thang wuz how everbidy wuz jes as much lack church folk as could be, even susannah n mj, ceptn the ushers n bes man n groom on a counta we all had beerds. n twuz lack a bunch of marshuns had landed the way them church folk carrd on bout our beerds. randys wuz red as could be, n they wuz jokin bout him bein the devil, witch he always lacked folks to tell thatn. virgils wuz on the red side of brown n his bruthers wuz wispy n long n dark brown, n mine wuz black as could be. folks lacked to say i looked lack charles mansun. they made us line up together fer picthers to be tuck n gut the joke goin bout beerds of a feather stickin together.

twuz durin a time i wuz wunderin bout mos everthang i bleeved. i wuz spozed to be ritin a novel n i wuz thanin how i could barely bleeve in the power of wurds to do innythang but pollute reality. dint seem to me lack i could trust em to tell nuthin true, that everthang they dun was lack shadowplay on the wall or sumthin, witch ye kin see i wuz readin too much plato n aristotle n all.

but i member how we cum in n i dint feel lack sayin much of innythang. n i wuz disgusted with susannah on a counta how she jes had to keep talkin n she attached herself to jenny skinners grandma n they gut to talkin lack they wuz ole friens. n while i wuz watchin her n thankin bout how twuz impossibull fer sum folk not to be flappin thar gums whenever thay wuz new folk aroun, i cum to reelize sumbidy had made the offer of coffee. i dint catch who twuz, so i looked out into the room of dressed up church folk n sed to the hole room, 'did ye ast if innybidy wonted coffee?' n thar wuz a old man who lifted his cup n smiled at me, so i walked over to him n rite away a woman started callin out how he should boil the water n how taint everbidy that lacks thar instunt coffee made with hot tap water, witch i tole him i dint mind it thataway, but he had dun put on the teapot.

we stood thar talkin in bout the same manner i wuz jes critsizing susannah in my mind fer doin n i gut to know him n mos of the fambly, witch they wuz all bout as seryus and strate as daddy n mamas generayshun. he wuz takin sum classes over to roane state communty collidge his ownself, trine to larn ritin a lil better on a counta he had im a lifetime of stories he wonted to tell. he laffed bout it n sed bof he n his wife wuz takin classes, only she wuz gittin better marks even tho she wuz only goin on a counta he wuz.

i ast bout his teechurs n furst thang he sed wuz how mr leopold had dun turnt his thanin round on lots of thangs, n i sed 'shoot the devil,' whenever i herd it n tole bout how he had dun the same thang fer me. we gut to tradin stories over that n i could see he wuz a lot lack me only much older. n he sed i shouldnt tell his wife nor nobidy, but he had dun gut to thankin bout that baptist relijun he had always bleeved in n now he had questchuns bout it n he sed it felt better to live in doubt but to be a'larnin bout the truth, than to be sartin ye had the truth but livin in fear of doubt or inny idees that could lead ye to doubt. n i agreed.

purty soon twuz time to leave out fer the rehearsal n at the church thay wuz a passel of other folk who wuz a'gone be part of the weddin, mainly thar wuz the bridesmaids n jenny, witch she hadnt been at her parnts house on a counta they wuz all makin thar dresses n she wuz lack the rangleader. n them gurls wuz all bout as purty a bunch of cuntry women as ye ever saw whenever thar mouths wuz closed n ifn they had jes tuck care of thar teeth, they coulda been beeyooty queens or sumthin, but fer sum reason, ever last one of em had either a bad cap or a grey tooth or even one missin, rite up frunt. twuz lack one of them bad jokes folks lacks to tell bout vol fans. mayhap ye dun herd one, lack the one bout neyland stadium on saturdy afternoon bein filled with 80 thousund fans n three teeth.

we wuz all amazed by the reheasal. twuz led by a big ole fat lady name of miz patterson n furst thang she dun wuz ast susannah could she fill in fer one of the bridesmaids that couldnt make the rehearsal but suze woodnt half to wurry nun on a counta everbidy wood be thar fer the ackshul weddin. she tuck us thru the hole thang twicet befor innybidy could hardly notice we had dun begun it n long befor we wuz hungry. tunrt out she had been doin weddins mos of her life n could knock out two or three a week. suddenly twuz lack skool wuz out n she dismissed us after remindin us bout our nex class, witch that wuz the weddin its ownself fer nex day.

we et the rehearsal dinner at the holday inn in harriman n fer sum reason, all i could thank bout wuz my own rehearsal dinner when i wuz bout to marr up with darlene.

the dinner wuz roast beef n salad n baked taters with sour cream n fresh baked bread. susannah ast me whut i wuz a'gone do when they put that plate of meat in frunt of me, n i sed whut i wuznt gone do wuz make a scene, so i et the meat lack twuz my favert. it give me the runs afterds, but twuz a small price to pay.

me n randy gut to talkin bout sum of our adventchurs n that kep everbidy entertained durin dinner. we dint mentchun sum of the mos importunt parts, lack how we wuz buyin n sellin takin thangs ye aint spozed to be buyin n sellin n takin, n we wuz able to sugges that we had lived purty wild n young n mr skinner splained how he had dun the same whenever he wuz young, witch that made miz skinner hit im on the sholder, but he jes laffed n winked at randy n me.

the weddin wuz the nex day, n i cant member a thang bout it, ceptn a pitcher they tuck of the beerds of a feather. i member how evebidy wuz sayin how we wuz dangerus men n wuz goin places n all, but i cant member much of nuthin bout jenny skinner or jenny fox once she wuz marrd. cant member how long they wuz marrd befor it cum to the obveeus conclushun of divorce.

but i member how they sed them beerds of a feather wuz all alike n i wuz thankin we wuznt, but time wood show how ifn ye watch thar story long a nuff, even if they dont have beerds, everbidys beerds of a feather.

pinions of buddy don:
blogs are the sinapses of the growin global brain

thays this guy name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin who wuz a geolgist n paleontolgist n he had im sum idees bout how everthang is all jes one big thang. mayhap ye member me ritin (eethur one of the two of yuns that reeds this here blog) bout anselms proof of god, witch thatn goes that god is defined as the gratest possibull bein of all n a bein that exists is grater than one that dont, so he exists. taint everbidy that goes along with thatn, but fer me tiz rite hard to disproov.

corse, ye kin agree toot n still not have the lease idee whut the gratest bein possibull wood be lack. i dun give thisn lots of thought n it occurred to me to alter it a lil, witch in my version, the gratest bein possibull is grater ifn it cumprises everthang than ifn tiz separate since twood be grater ifn twuz whutever twuz n included the univers too.

i aint claimin to unnerstan all the idees of teilhard de chardin, but they lead me to sum idees bout whuts a'goin on in this worl. as ye mite have noticed, thars two mane ways folks goes about thar lives. on the one hand, theys all competin with each other fer food n jobs n the bes place to live n a good seat in neyland stadium on the third saturdy in october ifn alabama is cummin to town. on tuther, theys wurkin together, co-operatin, sos they kin have thangs lack rodes n bridges n poe-leecmen n laws n a army to perteck us n all.

then ye gut this here internet thang a'goin on. more n more folk all the time are gittin attached toot n once they do, they git to habits of reeding sartin thangs. ifn ye thank bout everthang bein jes one big thang n the earth lack a lil organism thats growin in the womb of the solar system, then ye gut to magine its organs, thangs lack the rain forests to be lack lungs n the oceans n rivers lack veins n arteries n the core of the earth bein kindly lack a backbone n all, then ye git to thankin bout whut is the brain, n thar ye cum to yer humans, n together theys a'buildin the eyes n ears n other senses of the earth as a hole creetchur. n thats jes a hop skip n a jump from reelizin how ever person is kindly lack a brain cell in the growin brain of earth.

now with the innernet n cameras n loudspeekers n tv n radio n yew name it, this here creetchur called earth jes gits bettern better at usin its senses. n with the internet, we git to whar the brain cells kin set up thar synapses, as twere. folks thats got the net gits into habits of reedin sartin thangs ever day, of bookmarkin thangs n goin back to im so thar knowledge n unnerstandin of whutever tiz that innerests em gits stronger all the time. at furst, twuz purty much a passive thang whar everbidy wood git the information bein put out to em by the same folks thats talkin lack the man of the thousand voices, the newspapers n such.

but after a while, them folks that wuz jes buildin thar knowledge gut to makin thar own noises. purty soon the net wuznt jes a place to git informayshun, but a place to share it as well. n earths brain jes gits stronger n stronger till if a helicopter goes down in tikrit, thays folks speckulatin bout it roun the worl. n we git informayshun frum folks lack salam pax in baghdad, witch hes the one that wuz givin us a look at how thangs wuz goin in baghdad whenever the war wuz startin but we hadnt tuck over yet. n fer that matter, hes givin lots of news bout how thangs is goin now that we gut the hole situwayshun under cuntrol, or whutever we gut it under now.

n ye kin see how the cells kin cum n go n still the earths brain grows. thars a'gone cum a time whenever everbidy has lil chips in thar heds sos they kin be 'online' all the time. n tharll cum a time when everbidy that has the chip has access to all the knowledge the hole lecktronick brain has dun figgered out.

wunder ifn it kin figger out how to keep frum lettin the earth git so sick till humans follow the dinosaurs to extinckshun?

life of buddy don, chaptur 71:
whuther pi is a priori

whenever virgil n i begun goin to skool over at utk, the routine of life changed cumpleetly. twuz the fall of 1977 n we had us only my vw wurkin reglar, so we rode to skool together. ye mite could be wunderin bout my frienship with virgil. i aint sed a hole lot bout it on a counta tiz hard to splain since twuz jes talk fer the mos part. i hadnt never met a nuther frien better at conversayshun, tho i reckon i met sum real good talkers since then.

but thar wuz always sumthin speshul bout the way we could talk n the thangs we wuz dreamin n such lack. we gut us into sum truble sevral times back in californy on a counta how we wood start talkin bout sumthin n then fergit to go home on time. twuz virgil that taught me whut the wurd rapport means even ifn he dint know it his own self.  but we had us one frum the mint we met n that wuz purty much our hole frienship. corse, we wuz both at lease hot fer darlene at one point, n i figger ye mite could say we wuz in luv with her, but that wuz jes a coincidents.

we talked bout mos everthang thar could be. he lacked trine to splain his inventchuns n perdickshuns of thangs to cum. he tole me thay wuz a'gone be flat screen tvs years befor thay wuz inny, n he had idees bout car transmisshuns n gear ratios n how wheels should wurk n how to make thangs levitate n how to use microwaves yew name it. i cant ritely say i unnerstood everthang he had invented, but it stretched my brain to try to keep up with his conceps.

we wuz poor as could be n dint have no money fer theevil weed nor lots of tuther thangs we had smoked or dropped or whutever, n that wuz a good thang since skool wuz gittin harder all the time. we did grow us a bit of theevil weed in a patch of tall weeds nex to the garden n thang wuz, folks couldnt even pick out theevil weed frum the weeds. corse, folks wood figger thatn out in a nuther cuple years, n ifn ye gut innythang a'growin, twuz lackly sumbidy else wood git the harvest frum it. but we had more or less acksidently grown us sum n that purty much had to do fer us till the nex year.

so whut we dun wuz load jes a pinch in a lil pipe that we lef in the glove box durin the day n whenever we wuz drivin home, we wood smoke it. n thang wuz, we dint have but one or two tokes frum it n frum that we larnt that it dont take but a lil to git ye hi. mos folks never larns that on a counta they keep smokin n never give jes a cuple puffs a chants. n thats how we cum to unnerstan the concep of reverse tolerunts, witch ye have with theevil weed but not with hard likker, sad to say.

innywho, we fell into the habit of leevin fer skool early in the mornin. n we gut into a argumint that we kep at fer purty much the res of our lives. i reckon i could call him today n ifn i caught him sober n started splainin my half of the argumint, he wood fall into hisn quick as ye could blank yer eyes.

befor i git into the details of the argumint, i should splain that he wuz studyin to be a engineer n takin as many fizzicks classes as he could. he called em the hard sciences, n i had to add mitt they wuz hard. i wuz studyin flossofy n histry n whut he called the librul arts or soft sciences. n thang wuz, my corses wuz hard on a counta ye had to be able to rite essays n his wuz hard on a counta ye had to be able to do math.

in later years he even claimed that the hard sciences wuz all publicans n the librul arts wuz all demcrats, witch that prooves to ye how he wuznt whut ye wood call a empericull scientist. he wuz a theoreticull one, ifn he wuz one atall.

that quarter i wuz takin four classes, witch they wuz science vs. pseudoscience, the flossofy of literchur, existentchulism, n flossofy of mind. i speck ill splain bout sum of em direckly. he wuz takin statisticks n lecktricull injuneerin n such lack. the wunder is that we wood have innythang atall to talk bout.

but we did, n heres the basick argumint. on his side, he bleeved that befor thay wuz innythang, thay wuz pi, witch thats whut ye git whenever ye divide 22 by 7, fer eggzample, or when ye wonta figger out the circumfrunts of a circkle n such lack thangs. tiz a concep that ye need to deescribe mos innythang in the hard sciences, n twuz one of virgils faverts. so whenever the universe wuz about to start up, he figgered pi alreddy existed, even right thar in the nuthinness befor the start,  sumhow twuz already thar, jes a'wurkin away, gittin set to guide everthang thru the steps frum bein nuthin to bein everthang.

my half of the argumint wuz that pi wuz sumthin folks made up to splain as bes they could the thangs they wuz seein round em. i argued that thays no such thang as a purrfeck circkle, but frum lookin at all the near purrfeck ones ye could see, ye gut the idee of whut a purrfeck one wood be lack, n frum that ye gut to whar ye wuz able to make rules bout how twood wurk ifn ye used it to figger distuntses n ratios n such in a purrfeck worl, witch thisn aint tall purrfeck. but figgern thangs fer the ideel wuz useful in the ackshul on a counta twuz close a nuff fer gummint wurk.

twuz really jes a rehash of one of the mos basick conceps of flossofy, witch that wood be whar plato sed thar wuz a worl of ideal forms n the real worl participates in it, n aristotle cum long n sed why did ye half to cum up with a maginary worl of ideel forms when ye had the reel worl rightchere to deal with.

n thang wuz, virgil dint bleev thar wuz a god n i bleeved thar wuz, witch when ye thank bout it, seems lack we shoulda been on the opposit sides of thatn frum the sides we wuz on. ye mite wunder why wood i say this. tiz on a counta if thar wuz pi befor thar wuz the worl, then how could thar be no god on a counta ifn thay warnt nuthin but pi, woodnt that be god?

we wood talk n talk n talk bout this n take off on ever tangint we could find n git the inventchuns he wonted to make. but sad thang bout this is how them inventchuns wuz lack them ideel forms.  they never did git into the reel worl.

refleckshuns of buddy don:
seein hisself thru a nuthers eyes

las nite i had dinner with a old frien name of george ochoa, witch hes the riter i writ bout yesterdy. i hadnt seen george in over a year. he n his fambly lives a lil north in whut they call 'upstate' new york, tho taint that far away. he takes the train in ever now n agin, n i had writ im a email astin did he wonta have dinner n talk sumtime.

we met in times square n walked over to a typical diner, witch the diners here is purty much all run by greeks. fack is, whenever i furst cum to the city, i wuz sprized by the way folks frum differnt cuntries wood speshulize in particlar kinds of wurk: ye gut indians at mos of the newstands, pakistnis drivin cabs, jews in the jewelry bizness, irish cops n firefiters, jamaican phlebotomists, n a corse, yer greeks in diners. a diner is a kinda coffee shop whar ye kin git mos innythang to eat and taint eggspensive n ye kin sit fer hours n talk n theyll jes keep branging ye coffee or tea or jes water.

the one we stopped at is called the red flame n its on 44th street jes east of 6th avenue, witch yer toursts calls thatn avenue of americas. he had sent me a story he had writ name of 'ten sleep,' n that wuz the main topick of conversayshun. i wont bore ye with too many of the details. far as i kin tell, whut riters talk bout amung theyselves aint all the innerestin to folks that aint riters, lease till the riter gits famus.

since he had sent me his story, i tole him a lil bout this blog n whut i wuz a trine to do. he read im a cuple of chapturs, witch he couldnt git the furst two to cum up on his screen so i gut wurk cut out fer me to figger why that wood be. then he gut to readin thisn n thatn on a counta i had dun splained bout how since tis a blog, each chaptur kindly has to be a cumplete reedin eggsperience kindly lack a lil story. corse, tiz also a novel that the riter (whoevers makin up buddy don n everthang he ever rites) is hopin will hang tugether.

innywho, he sed whenever he furst tuck a look at it, he dint lack it much on a counta he aint no big fan of riters that rite in dialeck, but beins how we been friens fer so long, he stuck with it. that wuz nice, but whut wuz better wuz how he sed once he gut the rhythm of it, witch he sed twuz musicull moren innythang else n i lacked that a lot, then he dint have no truble reedin it. but he had questchuns bout why i wood do such a thang.

fer instunts, he sed, hes been a'knowin me fer near 20 years n never once has he herd me talk thataway. tiz true on a counta ye cant git nowhar up here usin that kinda talk, tho folks luvs to here ye say yessir n nosir n yes ma'am n no ma'am, witch thatn seems to wurk purty good wharever ye go. but he sed thang wuz, whenever he wuz reedin them chapturs, witch he sed he lacked chaptur 46: shoot the devil n wuz amazed at its strucktchur n wundered how long it had tuck me to rite it. i tole him twuz lack all of em, i only had bout a hour n a half ever mornin to rite much of innythang n i wuz jes as amazed at the strucktchur of thatn n lots of them chapturs.

n thats a fack bout this here ritin thang ima trine to do. i cum up with buddy don as a care-acter n figgered he wood talk the way my grandparnts n even daddys generayshun talked on a counta they lacked to sit round n tell stories bout whut happened in the fambly. i cant say whar buddy don cum frum, but whenever i have the guts to call him up fer a nuther chaptur, seems lack i fall into a spell almos n then jes rite my fool fangers off n later i cant thank how i could a dun it.

thang is, it seems lack buddy dons a differnt purson frum me, witcht that wood be the riter whos makin all this stuff up outta his hed, even tho im the one sittin at the keybird whenever hes ritin. tis beyond innythang i kin splain.

mayhap the mos innerestin thang he sed bout it wuz how even tho hes never herd the riter of this talk lack buddy don, he sed he could here my voice whenever hes a reedin it. ye kin see why riters claims to have muses that heps em rite, only tiz hard to splain even by sumbidy whos eggspreriencin it.

bout all ye kin say bout it is how tiz quite a mystry. n i hope it keeps happenin!

pinions of buddy don:
a nuther riter, thisn name of george ochoa

i'm havin dinner tonite with a old frien of mine name of george ochoa. he went n dun whut i kindly always dreamed of doin but never did, witch he deecided he wood make his livin ritin n thats jes whut he dun. ye kin find books hes writ with his wife melinda corey all over the place. heres a list of sum of thar titles:

1. American History: The New York Public Library Book of Answers
   
2. American Film Institute Reference: The Complete Guide to Everything You Need to Know about the Movies
   
3. American History on File
   
4. Atlas of Hispanic-American History
   
5. A Cast of Thousands; A Compendium of Who Played What in Film
   
6. The Dictionary of Film Quotations; 6,000 Provocative Movie Quotes from 1,000 Movies
   
7. Facts About the 20th Century
   
8. Inquiry and Learning; Realizing Science Standards in the Classroom
   
9. Movies and TV; The New York Public Library Book of Answers
   
10. The New York Public Library Amazing Hispanic American History; A Book of Answers for Kids
    
11. Selected from Carrie
    
12. The Wilson Chronology of Ideas
    
13. The Wilson Chronology of Science and Technology
    
14. The Wilson Chronology of the Arts
    
15. The Writer's Guide to Creating a Science Fiction Universe
    
16. Fitroy Dearborn Chronology of Ideas: A Record of Philosophical, Political, Theological and Social Thought from Ancient Times to the Present
    
17. The Encyclopedia of the Victorian World: A Reader's Companion to the People, Places, Events and Everyday Life of the Victorian Era (Henry Holt Reference Book)
    
18. The American Film Institute Desk Reference
    
19. The Man in Lincoln's Nose: Funny, Profound and Quotable Quotes of Screenwriters, Movie Stars, and Moguls

thays a lot more books by them, but i aint gut time to find em all this mornin. meanwhile, heres a lil writeup bout george n melinda:

Melinda Corey and George Ochoa have written and co-written over 30 books on film and other subjects, including The Dictionary of Film Quotations, The New York Public Library Book of Answers, Facts About the 20th Century, The Wilson Chronology of the Arts and The American Film Institute Desk Reference. They completed the second edition of Ephraim Katz's The Film Encyclopedia. Both authors hold MAs in English from the University of Chicago; Ms Corey also has an MFA from Columbia University. They are married and have a daughter. (http://uk.dk.com/Author/AuthorFrame/0,1020,,00.html?id=1000040586)

i been knowin george since 1985 when i met him at the furst job i gut in new york city, witch i wuz a secretary fer the mos humiliatiin year of my life n he wuz one too. we both lacked to rite, so we made friens purty quick. we been talkin bout riting n sharin whut each others writ durin most of that time, n fack is, ifn we wernt both so innerested in the topick, i doubt ifn we wood be friens atall now.

thang bout george is, with all the success hes dun had ritin books bout science n movies n history n ideas n yew name it, he still hankers after gittin his fickshun published. hes dun writ a few novels n ive red everone he wood shar with me. thang is, hes the mos snakebit riter i ever met. he cums up with grate idees n then sumbidy goes n pulls sumthin off to make the idee impossibull.

eggzamples include a grate book (or wuz't a screenplay? its been a while) he wrote name of Office Wars, witch it was about a ceo who kindly goes crazy n figgers he kin solve the problems in his wurkplace by gittin rid of the slackers. n i mean gittin totally rid of em as in make em ded. i still thank tiz a brillyunt bit of ritin, but the hole thang ends with a eggsplishun that blows up a buildin. after 9/11, that aint a concep ye kin sell to no book publisher.

he wrote a nuthern that i lacked a lot called Dead Silence, witch thatns about a man who loses his soul but gits the gurl in the end, only tiz much bettern ye wood magine frum whut i jes rote. i aint shore why thatn aint on the bookshelves now.

n thars one called Stranger Still that pulls off that trick richard wright dun in Native Son, whar ye see the hole story thru the eyes of a murderer. tiz kindly lack dostoevskys Crime and Punishment in that regard n tiz a wunderful book that aint lackly to find no publisher on a counta how it gives sum folks the shivers.

hes gut sum fickshun published. thars thisn called "Nocturnal Anomalies," fer instunts, witch thatn wuz published in The Absinthe Literary Review. i magine thars more, but i dont know whar to find it.

innywho, we gut a plan to meet over in times square fer dinner n the chants to talk bout a nuther fine story he writ name of "Ten Sleep."

guest of buddy don:
stepson in the city

im happy to tell ye bout how my wifes son has cum to hoboken frum prague whar he wuz makin his livin as a translater. hes plannin on findin him a place here in the metropoltun area n gittin started in the big city. hes loaded with skills lack how to talk a bunch of differnt lingos lack spanish, roma, japanese n czech, witch i thank that means he gits sum bonus langwages since lots of them slavic lingos is purty close. he also has computer skills, so much so that hes gut him a computer than kin do mos innythang without a sangle microsoft product on it. i make a livin off computers, but i aint that brave or smart.

innwho, were as pleased as kin be that hes cum, n i wuz thankin bout that whenever we wuz discussin how he should go bout gittin started. thays folks that thanks tiz better to git a job furst n then look fer a place to live. but mos of us whos dun made it up here thanks tiz better to git the apartment furst on a counta tiz harder to git than a job, n ifn ye dun gut a job, ye dont have no time to look fer yer apartment.

n i wuz thankin as he wonted to know our best add vice, witch ye gut to member how the wurst vice is add vice, n wuz wonderin ifn twernt a lot lack how we'uns here in the united states wonted a chants to give our add vice on whuther twuz rite fer us to brake the treaty of westphalia, witch thatn lasted fer over 300 years befor we broke it by invadin a cuntry sos we could change its gummint. lots of us folk out here in the cuntry wuz under the impresshun that our pinions mattered, that we wuz more than jes a giant focus group but folk whos pinions matterd.

but turnt out that them that duz the predints biddin dint bleeve in democracy the same way most of us'ns did. we thought it mint that them whut wuz guvernd wuz in charge n our pinions wuz aloud n importunt. but evertime sumbidy cum up with a pinion that dint fit with the administrayshuns view, they sed twuz practickly treason. twuz as if we dint have a pinion wurth bein stated ifn it dint go long with whutever dubya n co had dun deecided they wuz a'gone do.

n i wuz thankin bout this whenver we wuz talkin to my wife's son bout how to git started. he had his pinions bout how to go bout it. magine ifn he had deecided he wuz a'gone find him a abandoned buildin n squat in it. n he mite say how the rent rules is unjust n peeple has been mistreeted by em n lots of folks has to pay way too much fer way too lil while sum folk git by without. n he mite say the poe-leece is corrupt. n he mite coulda cum up with all kinda reasons why squatting wuz jes the thang to do.

we wood not agree bout that bein a good plan n we wood tell him so. n it mite could turn into a argumint or even a fuss n fite. wood that make us anti-fambly? anti-son? or woodnt that be jes whuts eggspeckted of sumbidy, that they give thar true pinion n let it be known if they disagree. thats how we luv each other. we need folks to tell us the hard truth so we kin avoid makin big miss takes.

so i thank bout them folk that sed the united nayshuns wuz irrelevant when the un weppons inspekters needed more time to inspeck n when they sed thay wuznt no reason to invade right then. n the bush administrayshun wuz able to say we had to doot rite when we dun it or else, even without once usin the wurd 'imminent.' they ack lack thars only one way to say sumthin n ifn ye use a nuther way, ye aint really sayin whut yer sayin. so ifn ye say they could have a nuke in six munths or they could attack us in 45 mints, that dont mean they wont us to bleeve the attack is 'imminent,' but they don wont us to ackcept that thar a'gone in rite then on a counta they cant wait.

the folks that sed we could wait, that we had him contained ("we find Secretary of State Colin Powell saying of Saddam back in 2001: 'I think we ought to declare our containment policy a success. We have kept him contained, kept him in his box. He is unable to project conventional power against his neighbors. He threatens not the United States.'"), they aint traitors. theys good citizens doin thar jobs. them that wuz trine to shout em down, tho, i cant say they bleeve in the same murkin principills we do or the same ones that ye kin still find in the bill of rights in the constitushun (read it befor its gone!).

id lack to end with a few lines frum that dockumint: "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

hmm. taint jes 'provide fer the common defense,' lack sum wont ye to bleeve, but thars 'promte the general welfar, insure domestic tranquility, establish justice' n such. tiz a wonderful dockumint n wurth defendin, even agin them thats usin it fer thar claim on power.