Wednesday, September 24, 2003

life of buddy don, chaptur 61:
on the beach

my life tuck a defnit turn fer the better whenever susannah n i gut together. fer one thang, i wuz too busy to do deals fer folks, n even tho that made em a lil put out with me, twuz fer the best. i wuz tired of all the craziness by then innyway. i told randy he could raze the money fer the deal in advants n then go to newport. it dint half to be me frunting the money n then not bein able to colleck.

fack is, ifn i hadnt had such a busy skedule n hadnt had susannah to fill up the res of the time, i probly wooda been doin stoopid thangs with randy or whoever. but i needed ever spare mint to keep frum havin whut i called the suze blues as a joke. n she wuz always pushin thangs to git more time outta whut lil thar wuz, so nobidy dint much git on me bout her.

they did have trubles with sum of her ways at furst. one thang folks cumplained bout whenever she furst started hangin out at the farm wuz how thin she rolled her joints. she sed folks wood git jes as hi on a thin one as they wood a fat'n, but folks dint bleev it n thay lacked to accuse her of bein stingy.

mj tole me one time twuz on a counta suzie bein a jew, but that jes made me mad n i sed twernt neethur. she had jes bummed a joint offn her n twuz one of her famous thin numbers. twuz the furst mj had ever bummed, n she wuz sprized by its size. she hadnt even burnt it on a counta she thought sumthin should be dun bout it. randy had made the same cumplaint, n brew dint lack it much only he wuz afraid to say nuthin bout it to my face. he had plenty of hep frum the lacks of mj.

she wuz a twiddlin with the thin thang n pertendin she could barly see it. so i ast her did she wonta test it n she sed she mite as well on a counta ye couldnt share it with too many folk. so i ast her did she thank twuz a'gone git us hi, n she sed she figgered twood remind us of the taste. so i sed to put sum fire toot n see.

i had jes cum home frum work n skool n wuz on the way to bed whenever she caught me to make her cumplaint. she cum up to the big house n we smoked the thang rite down to the roach n then i set that on fire sos we could make sure we gut the verr last of it. twuz part of su's strategy to make sure ye waste nuthin. by time thar wuznt nuthin lef, i ast mj had it wurked. she busted out laffin n sed, 'yeah, buddy, i reckon it did.'

n after that, she started spreddin the news n once folks gut over the size of the thang n begun lookin at howt affeckted em, they quit cumplainin. mj even splained all this to randy, n nex thang ye knew, he wuz rollin the skinny numbers his ownself. twuz one of many changes suze brought to the farm. marigolds wuz a'nuther n usin old newspaper to hep mulch wuz a nuther n keepin a box turtle n with yer mulch pile wuz a nuther.

i never tole suze bout the skinny joint episode n twuz jes as well. folks didnt lack her rite away on a counta the change in me, speshly whar i dint wonta go to newport no more. n i dint go back thar ever agin.

thang wuz, suze had plenty of places we could go, n she hated to waste a oppertunty. as we wuz gittin near to thanksgivin, she cum up with the idee that we oughta go down to florda fer a lil vacayshun. at furst i wuznt too eggcited bout it. twuz a long drive n a short holiday, but she wuz insistent in her quite way n i give in purty soon. she sed she wonted to trip on the beech, but she hadnt never dun it befor, n i tole her the furst time we wood half to be in a place whar she felt totally cumfertabull. i recommended her place n we picked us a saturdy n dun it.

lack ever thang, she had her own way of doin thangs. she hadnt never tripped in her hole life, but she had grate idees bout how to git reddy, idees i hadnt never cunsidered. she bought up a bunch of fruit, oranges n cherries n kiwis n grape n nanners n blue berries n moren i thought we could ever eat. n she gut sum nuts n baked sum fresh bread n gut sevrul differnt cheeses, includin thatn called brie, witch yer spozed to eat the outside of it n i never knew that befor she taught me bout it.

she also had a nice seleckshun of differnt kinds of theevil weed. she wuz the type who woodnt never smoke the verr last of her stash. fack is, she wood by a new ounce round the time she wuz half way thru the old one. she wood freeze whut she had lef over, n that mint she had plenty of differnt kinds at all times. she had sum kief n sum thai stick n about twenty differnt half bags of other stuff. i hadnt never known nobidy to do sumthin lack that, but she sed twuz on a counta she wood git tired of the affeck of the ounce she wuz smokin n twood make a real differnts to change up now n then.

that trip at her apartmint wuz one of the nicest ever. we stayed indoors most of the day, but we did take a walk in the woods behind her house. she gut so relaxed by the peak that she stripped off all her cloze n danced stark nekkid around her apartmint. she tuck mine off too, n twuz rite natchrul only twernt a sexy thang atall. n i lay thar on her bed a'watchin her enjoy the feelins she wuz a havin, watchin her lil hands clasped tween her breasts as she swayed to the musick n looked rite in my eyes fer the longest. n i couldnt hep but thank how this wuz the same woman that had made me feel so small on a counta her bein a injuneer n having christopher martin, a nuther injuneer, fer a boyfrien. magine ifn he saw her now!

we wuz also readin n studyin lack crazy on the occult. she wuz fascinated by astology n bleeved twuz possibly true. as i wuz with mos such thangs, i both lacked to dabble in it n couldnt bleev it. but i gut to whar i knew all the signs n whut they wuz spozed to signify n i even gut to knowin bout moon signs n risin signs n then the hole chart. she wuz a libra, i a capricorn, n that mint she could always see both sides of thangs, n i could always choose whut i wonted to do. twuz nice the way she saw both sides of thangs n reminded me of daddys way of argumint. n manys the time i wuz sprized by whut she mite notice bout tuther side of sumthin.

we wuz also a'studyin gurdjieff n ouspensky purty reglar. i had red them books, but havin her read em in her slow way wuz lack takin a corse in em. thay wuz loads of stuff in that gurdjieff fella, but the main two that we cum away with wuz his idea that there aint no single 'i' in inny person, but a multitood of em. thay wuz one that set the alarm to wake ye early n a nuther that wood be annoyed by the alarm nex day n turn't off. n thay wuz one that sed he wood quit smokin n a nuther that sed lets git hi. n they wuz all in conflick with each other.

tuther concept wuz the one bout 'member yerself.' thisn wuz the key to gittin all them i's together sos ye could larn whut ye wuz spozed to do. the point bout thisn wuz that fer the mos part, we wunder thru life without even noticin we're thar. tiz lack life is a movie. we git so caught up in it that when tiz over n the lites cum on, we're sprized to notice that we're not in the worl of the movie but in a theater with other folks. n thang is, we live mos of our lives asleep to the fack we're even thar. n when we member ourself, when we kin see the mazin reality of whar we are n how miraculus that is, then we have a chants to be the true 'i' fer once.

fer eggzample, ye could be walkin thru the woods n thankin bout the thangs ye need to git dun. ye fergit yer in the woods n fergit the wunder of having fangers n eyes n ears n yew name it. in sted, ye git squeezed into the tite lil worl of yer wurries n dont even notice that ye dun caged yerself n ye take lack its yer due. but ifn ye kin member yerself, ye mite notice the sound of them birds n the beauty of the woods n the feelin of bein alive.

i wuz wurkin strate midnites then n we wuz mainly jes havin a weekend relayshunship tho thay wuz many a time she wood cum over to take a nap with me or fix my brakefuss. n she wood have me sleep at her place sos she could take care of all that whenever she gut home. n thang wuz, she wonted to go on that vacayshun to git away frum everthang, the farm speshly, n be jes the two of us.

we drove mos all day n stopped to take a motel near jacksonville. n we ate our thanksgivin dinner in the room frum sum food she had brought with her. she wuz always branging food along n she hated to waste her money in restrunts ifn she alreddy had good food. n we had us a feast of cold food with fruits n nuts n breads n wine.

nex day we drove down towards st augustine. n as we wuz drivin down a1a, she sed she lacked it whar we wuz on a counta twuz mosly deserted, so we pulled over n we tuck our mesclun n went out on that beech n sat trippin fer hours, jes sittin in one place a'starin into each others eyes. n it seemed almos lack we broke the barrier tween us durin that time.

n later on she wonted to make luv on the beech, so we found us a secluded spot n rolled out a sleepin bag n tride it. twuz one of the mos difficult thangs i ever tride on a counta i couldnt quit maginin whut mite happen ifn sumbidy wuz to cum long n do sumthin. so i wood git reddy n we wood git started, n then i wood thank bout how unperteckted my back wuz, n nex thang ye knew, i wuznt reddy no more. but then she looked me in the eye n sed, 'remember yourself, bud.' n we looked in each others eyes as deep as we could go n that wuz a nuff till we gut dun. she wuz happy n i wuz releeved.

we drove into st augustine n found a place to stay fer the nite fer $10. we went in n we wuz still kindly trippin, n we ate agin n smoked a lil. n i ast her did she know much bout st augustine, n she thought i mint the city n she cummenced to sayin how twuz verr old n all. n i sed i mint the flossofer st augustine, n she sed she hadnt never studied the christchuns that much, n it seemed a lil odd even then how differnt our worls wuz on a counta we had been hearin bout the lacks of augustin n aquinas n descartes n pascal n calvin n knox n all them otherns, but she hadnt only she did know sum i dint know all that well lack moses maimonides n karl marx n spinoza.

n i sed twuz augustine who had him two idees that wuz almos as good as the ones we wuz larnin frum gurdjieff. n one wuz the questchun of truth n wisdom n the fack that ye half to have a nuff wisdom to know ye aint wise sos ye know to git truth n take the path to wisdum. n he had a grate line bout 'if i am wrong, then i am.' n that wuz way befor descartes sed, 'i thank, therefor i am.' n tuther wuz the thang bout faith, whar lessn ye bleev, ye cant unnerstand, but ye cant bleev lessn ye unnerstan, n the only thang that kin solve it is faith. faith is the furst step on the path to widsom on a counta its knowin and not knowin, makin room fer a thang known to be possbull and the desire to love the wisdom that ye aint never been able to enjoy.

n she sed, 'give me the faith to have faith,' n i laffed on a counta that wuz frum one of my songs.

now ye mite thank i wood be as happy as could be with a woman lack that. i had been hankerin fer one that wood lack to cum out to the farm n lack to garden n lack to trip n git hi n read flossofy n enjoy sex n yew name it. n thar wuz no bettern fer all of that than suze.

but twernt all easy. suze wus a liberated woman, the furstn i ever met. twuz the reason we dint git a long the furst time we went out on a counta it made her mad that i wonted to pay fer everthang. so i had to larn to let her git the check bout half the time. n that wuz sumthin to larn, but twernt all that hard once i caught onto when she wuz wontin to pay.

but whut wuz hard wuz how on okayshun i wood git the urge to say them three wurds. n yew wood thank she wuz wontin to use em her ownself or else whut did it matter whuther my majur wuz jurnalism or flossofy? but i wood find myself even now n agin sayin them wurds. it dint happen all that much, but thay wuz times durin sex when i knew she wuz near to gittin one of her rare orgasms, i mite whisper them wurds in her ear, n twood set her off. so i know she lacked hearin em.

but thar cum a day when she had to take a trip back up to buffaloe sos she could see her fambly. i tuck her to the airport to drop her off. n jes as she wuz about to git on the plane, i sed them wurds. n she turnt away n dint say nuthin, n lord how that stung me.

i felt foolish n angry n wundered why i give her any of my time. n i couldnt hep but thank bout how close we had seemed whenever we wuz trippin on the beach. had i ever felt closer to innybidy in my life? i dont thank i had till then. yet when she woodnt say them wurds, i felt as if i were more alone than i had ever been. n i couldnt thank of nuthin else the hole week she wuz gone.

i met her at the airport whenever she cum back, n she wuz glad to see me. virgil n i had made a vow to quit smokin fer at lease the furst quarter of classes, so i rolled her a skinny joint n had it reddy fer her but i dint smoke nun of it.

n i watched her as she wuz haply smokin n talkin bout everthang that had happened in new york. but i wuz a millyun miles away frum her, alone on my own lil beach n her alone on hers, separated by the ocean of them unspoke wurds.

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