wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 52:
heavy casualties in the sexshul revolushun

virgil had him this theory bout the differntses twixt the sexes that went thisaway.

he bleeved women wuz by nature monogumus on a counta theys the ones left holdin the bag whenever sumbidy gits pregnunt. the man kin do his part to hep keep the human race a'goin in the famous six mints of playshur, but tiz to woman left with the nine munths of pain n the chile to raze. n that means the woman wood probly lack the man to stick round to hep in sted of runnin after sum othern. he sed thats why men is programmed to take a nap afterds on a counta that gives the woman half a chants to cunvints him to stick roun nex mornin n he wood add that she wood lackly have made sumthin to eat fer brakfuss, n frum thar, she had a chants to snag her sumbidy to hep out in razin the young'n.

men wuz differnt in his theory. they wuz by nature polygumus n wood by nature be wontin to have as minny women as they could git. n twuz fer the good of the race on a counta the women wood be trackted to the bes men n that wood mean the nex generayshun wuz a'gone cum out strongern the one befor it. so cordin to his way of thankin, yer woman wood wont jes one man, but she wood wonta have her chile by the bes man, even ifn he wuz playin the field with lots of otherns.

we talkt thisn over purty good n it never seemed lack it wurked out fer the simple reason of how rithmatick wurks. i wood ast him to add it up n splain how cum ever woman wood be wontin to keep jes the one man n her chants to doot wuz the nap he wonted to take n the brakefuss she could make the nex day. but yer sayin that men wood by natchur be wontin to play roun with as minny as possbull, so how kin ye have bof? eethur the womans a'gone git her the man she lay with or not. if he leeves to go git a nuthern, then she wont have her inny hep. ifn he stays, then them otherns wont be able to use his qualties to improov the race.

n thats whar he cum up with a lil corolarry to the thang, witch he figgerd women wood wonta git pregnunt by the bes man n then have em sum sex with the man the figgered they could trick into razin thar kid. n even thar, i had to wunder whut happend when twuz time fer her to have a secund chile? wood she be out layin with the bes man n brangin home the result fer her lesser man to hep raze? n how could she make sure she wuznt a'gone git pregnunt by the lesser man?

fack is, i tole him, sounds lack he wuz a'sayin humans wuz lack a herd of bisun or sumthin, n seems lack fer his theory to wurk, ye woodnt be havin lil famblies lack we gut, but herds of folk n thard be the one man who wuz probly bigger'n strongern all tutherns n he wood be a'gittin all the sex n the herd wood be a'razin em, n naps woodnt have nuthin to do with it. n how wood women be figgern out who wuz bes ifn the men wuz fitin over em n the one that won the fite wuz a'takin em? woodnt that lead to a race of strong but mayhap stoopid folk?

but i could see whar he gut his idees. corse, thar wuz the nature shows n the way the herds dun, but thar wuz also this thang bout men whar we did wonta have all the women we could git, more'n we could ever support n ifn they all cum up pregnunt, n more young'ns than innybidy wood wonta half to pay fer razin. but that dint stop us frum actin the fool n chasin after innythang in a skirt.

fack is, i wuz a'wunderin bout whut theory could splain my doins. i read back in that diary i wuz a'keepin n makes me sumwhut ashamed to see how i dun. seem lack i wuz after ever halfway attractive woman that wood take the time to talk to me.

lack i wuz always a'doin, n to proov jes how rite that hed shranker who wed i wuz full of shit wuz, i tride to do sum scientifick study of the problem. i had red me this book called 'what do you say after hello' writ by the same guy who wrote 'i'm ok you're ok' n he had him this idee bout the plastick face n life scripts. it went sumthin lack this: whenever yer born, ye larn bout the worl n how tiz spozed to be by seein how yer parnts do, n thars a drama theys playin whar mayhap he treats her bad n she takes it or vice a versa, or whar theys really in luv n shows it or they never fite but thar aint no real affeckshun twixt em or whutever. n ye tend to thank however they do is how thangs is spozed to be. corse, ye git out in the worl n find thays other ways of doin, n mayhap ye'll wonta follow after one of them scripts that wuznt the furst'n ye cum to.

n the plastick face wuz how ye could figger who wonted to play in the same drama ye wuz a hankerin to do, so ye wood be attrackted to whoever twuz that looked the part. n as i looked round at my obsesshun with thisn or thatn, n as whutever i dun seemed to end up hurtin folks, me inclooded, i gut to whar i wonted to step back n try to analyze witch gurls wuz a gittin my tenchun.

not thata i wuz a'countin, but thar wuz:

1. betty lou, who had the beeyootiful body n who i mainly wonted on a counta everbidy else kep sayin how they wished they had her, but fack is, sex with her wernt all that good n outside of that, she wernt innerested in much that i cared bout. drama bein played? i figger twuz the james bond thang, whar yer heroic man had his choice of women n never looked back, n twood probly of wurked ifn i had been james bond, but fack is, twuz easy to quote luv em unquote but hard to leeve em, n ye'd purty much have to master the luv em n leeve em thang to wurk that drama.
   
2. then thar wuz deirdre ferguson frum k25 who wuz marrd n who wood call me mos everday n whenever i wuz wurkin day shif, i wood see her in the cafeteria n she wood be smilin n winkin at me, but we never once touched or even did more'n talk on the phone, n i figger we wuz a wontin to play sumthin long the lines of madame bovry fer her n tom jones fer me, n mayhap thats how cum we never gut past the talkin stage.
   
3. nicole watson, a red-headed gurl i found verr attacktive n tride to meet n whenever i dun it, turnt out she wuz prackticully a carbon copy of my own mama, n once i gut to know her, she dint seem all that purty no more, n i wuz disgusted with myself fer actin lack such a freudyan fraud. n that'n wuz the ole edipuss the king tale.
   
4. snapper johnston, the gurl who met me by puttin her arms round me in a bar while i wuz a'playin pong, n thar wuz yer buddy movie whar ye had a couple who gut along grate as pals but never fell in luv, only ifn twere a movie, in the end she wood doll herself up n turn out to be the purtiest thang ye ever seen, but we wernt in no movie, n fer her, twuz probly more lack sam cooke's cupid. only thang wuz, i knew she existed n twuz purty plain she wuz verr sweet on me, but i always ackted lack i dint notice n i dint care n we wuz friends on a counta we wonted to be able to go together on deals fer theevil weed.
   
5. most perplexin of 'em all, the ones i tride studyin, that is, wuz judy cassidy, witch she wuz a gurl who tuck a vollyball class with me, n the instunt i saw her, i knew twuz jes whut i wonted, n i tride ever way i could, but nuthing wurked. ackshly, twuz more complicated than that. twurked thisaway. i made friends with her n ackted lack i dint have no intenchuns to do nuthin more n purty soon she gut to acktin lack she mite lack to do more, so i wood ast he did she wonta go out n she wood say she did, only we couldnt find a time that fit. or we wood find the rite time n place, but she wood half to call n cancel at the lass mint. n i wood git my feelins hurt n wood quit payin her inny tenchun, n purty soon she wuz acktin friendly to me n mayhap we wood take a drive n burn sum of theevil weed n then say why dont we have a date, n then the hole thang wood start over agin. n wurst of all, when she wood brake the date, twood be on a counta she had found sumbidy else n thar they wood be, a'sittin with thar heds together in the lobby of roane state communty collidge. n then she wood see me in the library or sumthin n sit at my table n ast whutever becum of quote us unquote, n i wood say i dint know thar had ever been a us to wonder bout n that mite lead as far as me buyin her lunch, but never more. n long story short, whenever i wuz innerested, she wood git me goin n then pull away, n whenever i had tuck all i could n gut to whar i dint wont nunthin to do with her, she wood cum astin bout whut happened to us. thang wuz, i never figgered thisn out, n twood have been grate ifn i hadda dun it on a counta i wood play this lil drama overn over agin later in life.

thang wuz, ye cant verr well make a scientifick study of yore ownself so i couldnt never be objecktiv n twuz a painful way to study n not the bes way to larn much. fack is, i could study whut i dun all i wonted, but i couldnt never figger much out bout myself till after i had dun made miss takes n all.

purfeck egzample wuz how i met barbie morris. twuz at shoneys big boy restrunt on a fridy nite. i had gone down to meet mj n jill fer dinner n to wait fer virgil to git off. we had us a booth n jill crawled up in my lap n no doubt, the three of us kindly looked lack a lil fambly.

n who should cum over to wait on us but martha anderson, witch i hadnt seen her since she had her baby. n she wuz makin jokes bout whut a fine father i wood make n all lack that, n i couldnt hep but be curyas bout whuther she wuz sayin whut she wuz actin lack she wuz sayin. n she waited till mj had to go to the ladies n cum over n ast did i wonta take her out to my farm n mayhap make a nuther baby n i sed i wood. n thats jes whut i shoulda dun.

but thar wuz a woman thar a'sittin at a angle whar we couldnt hardly hep but keep ketchin each others eye, n thar wuz sumthin bout her i lacked, mayhap the fack she wuz a woman n a'lookin back at me, but at the time, it seemed lack thar wuz sumthin bout the way she held herself n the sweep of her neck n a look of strength or sumthin. she wuz a lil plumper than i lack em n had scraggly brown hair n wernt my idee of a purty woman, so i cant ritely say why, but we gut to more or less makin eyes back n forth.

then i wuz sprized to see erin cum in and sit with her n i wuz thankful she had her back facin my way. n i tole mj i wood be happy to take a drive, but virgil cum out then n ast did i have inny ezra brooks n i sed i could git sum, so i tole mj i wood be rite back. thar wuz a likker store nearby n i picked up a fifth n cum back, n i wuz pleezed to see that erin had dun left.

finely virgil wuz off n martha had dun cashed in her tips n we wuz reddy to go. by then mj n martha wuz makin friends, so i tole em i wood ketch up with em in a mint. i went to pee n then cum out n purty soon a white ford pinto cums screechin up n the driver wuz that woman, witch she wuz barbie morris only i dint know her name yet. n she ast me to cum closer, so i did n she tuck a deep breath n sed, 'i'm a'gone say this.' n she tuck a nuther big breath n sed, 'do ye wonta fuck me?'

now ye mite member back whenever randy fox n i wuz in chicago n i wuz shocked that inny gurl wood go with pete whenever he cum up to em n dint even know em n ast 'does yas wanna fuck?' n i even joked to randy that i woodnt wont no gurl who wood say yes to such a questchun, n he lafft n sed he agreed ceptn he wuz takin whut he could git n pete never missed.

so whut kinda person wood i be a'sayin yes my ownself to such a questchun? speshly when i dun had a nuther woman in the car that wuz a'thankin i wuz takin her home fer the same thang. but dint matter nun. i tole her i shore did wonta n wood she follow my car out to the farm.

we gut out thar n i showed martha around the place n ye could see she dint lack barbie a'bein thar even a lil bit, n barbie wuz jes a smilin lack a cat that had dun licked up the creem. virgil cracked open the ezra n mj put on that fleetwood mack album everbidy wuz listnin to in them daze n brew rolled a cuple of joints n everbidy set thar a listnin till twuz clear to martha that she woodnt be stayin the nite or even jes takin a roll in the hay, so to speak, so she ast wood i drive her to her car.

n i wuz feelin lack a big man, proud that thay wuz two women jes a'hopin fer sex with me, n virgil wood later splain how i wuz one of them men that women wood wont n that proovd, he sed, that women dint only wont the big strong guys gut that thay wood go fer the skinny'ns ifn.

martha dint say a wurd till we gut back to the parkin lot at shoneys big boy restrunt, n then she opened her door n started to git out n then cum back in to say she wonted me to know sumthin, n i ast whut wuz it n she sed thar wuz two thangs. the furst wuz that i wood make a good father sumday n the way she sed it, i couldnt hep but wunder ifn she mint i wuz the father of her new baby. then she sed i had to keep the nex thang secret n i promissed i wood n she sed, sam coen is the daddy of my new baby.

my mouth wuz lef open whenever the door slammed shut. n i wuz a'wontin to ast her whut bout whut she had tole me bout thar bein only the one time? n hadnt sam tole me he only gut a ack that woodnt lead to no pregnuntcy? n i wonted to talk to her more'n ever, but she had dun drove away n i never saw her agin, tho i thought i did minny years later when i wuz marrd to sumbidy else n livin in knoxvul n saw her double at the swimmin pool of the utk marrd students apartments i wuz livin in but i jes barely caught her eye n then my wife ast me whut wuz i lookin at n i sed i wuz jes stretchin my neck n by time i could look thataway agin, she wuz gone.

thar wernt nuthin lef fer me to do but drive home n do the dooty i had perpared fer myself. by the time i gut home, i wuznt feelin lack the big man no more n fack is, i wuz feelin verr small.