wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 58:
rondayvu with the fat chicks

ye mite member bout the cb craze that tuck everbidy by sprize in the summer of 1976. cb radios wuz all the rage at the time n thay wuz songs lack convoy by cw mcall. it cum durin a time when i wuz trine to live a better life n quit doin lots of the thangs i had been a'doin. corse, a lot of that had to do with lack of temptayshun.

n that cum about on a counta randy fox gittin him a job up in gatlinburg at a place name of lums. he wuz nite manjer n dint have no time to spend with me, n i cant say i'm cumplainin bout it. i gut so i dint sleep with no gurls with one eggcepshun n i jes about quit smokin theevil weed n it gut so my life wuz purty borin. ye mite call it normal.

i wurked hard, goin back on midnites to speed up the programmin process after we los the battle over the data acquisistion system whenever melvin paul tuck over our lil part of operayshuns. he filed the report n had us go back to the ole way of doin thangs, rite down to the maple stick, no doubt. my allies n i jes did our bes to keep ahed of all them others with our programmin, n i could git lots dun over nite. durin the day, i did a lil gardenin, visted with virgil n mj n that kinda thang.

i graduwaited frum roane state communty collidge n had the summer off. i planned to start at the university of tennessee knoxvull in the fall, witch everbidy really called it ut or even utk. main thang wuz, even tho i couldnt stop thankin bout the argon of lonely, i tride not to date nobidy.

that dint mean i dint have the occashunull lapse, as 'twere. barbie wuz practicly livin with virgil n mj, n that mint tite quarters now n then on a counta till they finished finely fixin the big house, i slept thar a lot my ownself. on weekends, we lacked to go to the flea market n eat at the twins restrunt n clinton. one time we all went, virgil, mj, jill, barbie, brew, gretchen n me. brew n gretchen lef early n tuck jill to visit the knoxvul zoo with em. the res of us bought a bunch of junk, includin sum books.

i had picked up sevrul as always n thar wuz one i dint notice wuz a sex book. i thought it sed the pilgrim's progress by john bunyan but it turnt out to be the pilgrim's regress by anonymus. barbie wuz the one discuvered twuz a sex book, n that mint she had to start a readin it while we drove round n they smoked a cuple of joints.

by time we gut home, we wuz all purty aroused by it. virgil n mj disappeered into the bedroom. barbie cum rite out n ast why dint the two of us take add vantage of bein so wurked up n go to bed n do sumthin bout it, but i wuz really trine not to do that kinda thang. in sted, i wurked lack crazy in the weed patch we wuz callin a garden, witch we did git sum taters to grow.

corse, mosly we grew weeds, n twernt only on a counta how we wuz too ideelistick fer real folks in thankin everbidy wood wurk n all could shar the harvest. twuz also on a counta virgil had these strange idees bout thangs. he cum up with the idee that ye ought not top off yer onyuns. we splained n the old farmers in the nayborhood splained n even mj tride splainin to him how that ifn ye dint top em off, they wood go to seed n woodnt make good onyuns. he sed he dint bleev it that he had intuwishuns bout how thangs wuz spozed to be n he wuz sartin he wuz rite. twuz a nuther reason to split the garden three ways the next year. we dint git no useful onyuns the furst year.

innywho, i spent the day trine to wurk off the feelins that wuz woke up by whut barbie had been a'readin us, but twuz hard. i hadnt never herd no gurl read such a thang, n she wuz makin it even better n twuz on a counta the way she wuz a doon it. by time i wuz dun in the garden n had et sum dinner frum it with mj n virg n barbie, n after we had drunk a lil ezra, a lot in virgils case, n smoked too much (even tho i called myself quittin), i crawled into the bed i had at the lil house n purty soon, in she cum. she wuz askin n i wuz sayin no. then she touched me down thar n sed she knew i wuz lyin. n rite then, the way she wuz a'lookin at me, i felt bad.

see, virgil n mj had em a dog name of arnold that they picked up sumwhar in californy. n this dog wuz a problem in sum ways. ifn ye touched him at all, n folks wood make that miss take ever time they met him fer the furst time, then he wood sit n look at whoever had dun it, a'starin em down till they mite pet him agin n make thangs wurse. purty soon theyd git to pushin him away, n tellin him shoo n git on outta here, n then they mite slap him on the hed till he yelped but dint matter nun, inny touch atall wood do. they mite even git to the point of kickin him, but arnold wood cum rite back.

n whut gut me as i looked at barbie in the low lite of a candle she had brought in wuz how she reminded me of arnold. n i felt rotten fer thankin bout her that way, n purty soon, she gut into bed n we dun whut she wonted. n i felt awful the nex day n ast her could she please never do that agin, n she agreed.

they finely finished fixin the house n brew n me gut settled in. twuz nicer than befor, only i had lost all my records ceptn a set of beethoven sympathies, n that changed how i herd musick on a counta i dint have nuthin else to listn to n turnt out i dint need nuthin more fer a long while. i been listnin to them ever since n i still find new thangs bout em to lack.

once the farm gut set again, i gut to be good friens with susannah at wurk n we talkt bout how hurtful her relayshunship with christopher martin wuz n how the wurse he treated her, the more she seemed lack she wonted to git him. n i tole her she could git bad treatmint innywhar, n she sed she dint thank i could give her bad treatmint. n i sed she jes dint know me.

n gut so she wuz friens with mj n the hole farm. n we wood go to see concerts together, witch the best'n wuz a concert by the earl scruggs review in gatlinburg. the musick wuz grate n when twuz over, i gut to meet him sorta on a counta ye could walk rite up to him to tell him how mazed ye wuz at his pickin. n whenever we gut back to the farm that nite, i sprized her when i give her my bed n sed i wood sleep out in the woods.

n thangs wood probly have gut as borin as normal but randy couldnt hold no job all that long.

as it happened, he ast virgil n me to cum up n see him n we dun it. twuz his lass nite on the job. me n virgil drove up, talkin bout his inventchuns n pi n whuther god wuz natchur n all that kinda thang we lacked to talk bout.

whenever we gut thar, we orderd sum food, but thar kitchen wuz 'in it,' as we used to say whenever i wuz a'wurkin at shoneys big boy restrunt, n that mint they had dun fell so far behind in cookin that they couldnt ketch up. tuck over a hour to git our food, n even then twuz only on a counta randy a'goin n gittin it fer us. n after we ate, he quit his job.

rite away randy wuz leadin me into temptayshun. thar wuz a tall blonde hedded gurl wurkin thar n i cant member her name, but he gut her to cum with us, n set her down side of me whenever we wuz back at his place, n purty soon we wuz a kissin on each other n she wonted to know wood i go home with her. n i tole her twernt that i wuznt attrackted, witch she could plainly tell on a counta her hands wuz romin, but i dint wonta sleep with nobidy till i wuz in luv. n that made her lack me better n give me her number n talk to me almos all nite long, but i never saw her agin.

so randy nex gut him a job at the back door pizza place over in oak ridge n then he gut to cumin round reglar agin. purty soon he tole us bout a new connectshun he had made in newport, n ima fixin to tell bout thatn direckly.

but the thang that stood out as a kinda purfeck eggzample of how thangs wuz happent whenever randy bought him a new car, a cherry red pontiac trans-am cumplete with killer stereo. but the bes wuz, it had a cb radio. we gut to whar we wood drive round town talkin on it. my handle wuz 'cottonmouth' n his wuz 'the rabid fox.' n corse, we wuz always hopin that we wood meet 'the one' sumwhars n that thar seemed lack the main thang we could use that radio fer.

so we drove round the area smokin theevil weed n talkin on that cb. n one nite in oak ridge we wuz a doin it n thar cum the sexiest voice we had ever dun herd before n her handle wuz 'wont to.' n she had a partner with her who also sounded rite nice n her handle wuz 'hootchy kootchy.' we chased round n chased round trine to figger out who they wuz. n we ast em bout thayselves n they woodnt say much ceptn one wuz black hedded n tuther wuz a strawbury blond.

tuck us daze to finely meet em. n i cant count the time n effurt we wasted till finely randy sed he wood do the deed with one or bof of em ifn they wood only agree to meet us. n i tride to tell him that wuz no way to meet a woman, but he sed he figgered ifn 'wont to' dint wont to n 'hootchy kootchy' wuznt good for no hootchy kootchy, then why did we care? 'sides that,' sed he, 'twuz a damn good chase to git thar.' he had him a good argumint n i couldnt beat it, speshly when them gurls agreed we could meet on the hill tween the turnpike n illinois avenue near whar the museum is.

they wuz drivin a hot car, n that made randy glad. fack is, twuz the same model he had ceptn blue.

twuz rite at dusk whar colors is fadin. they pulled over n we pulled in beside of em. n randy sed he wuz reddy on a counta it had dun been a long time. corse he also wuz wurried on a counta twuz a verr hot august evenin n he wuz sweatin 'lack a pig,' as he put it. but he wuz hopin they woodnt notice on a counta he wonted sum of that 'wont to.'

but whenever they cum out of the car, they wuz the fattest two folks we had ever met in life. twuz amazin they could see out thru the folds of fat round thar lil eyes, but they could see everbit as good as one of them shaggy dogs. n they wuz sweatin wurse'n we ever dun, with drops cumin rite offn thar noses n huge splotches under thar massive arms.

we talked to em fer a bit, n we tride to ack lack we wuz innerested, but they could see rite thru it n they wuz reddy fer rejeckshun on a counta they had dun larnt how to live with it overn over agin, n they tole us as much.

we apologized n far as i could tell, randy never felt wurse at hurtin sumbidys feelins than he dun then. n fer years, randy wood say, 'shoot the devil, bud. member the rondayvu with the fat chicks?'

n i wood say i did.

n he wood say, 'i wish thay wuz sum kinda way i coulda dun it with em. ifn ida been more of a man, twoodnt a mattered whuther they wuz fat.' the strange thang wuz, he really mint it.

twuz a seasun whar no matter whut ye wonted, turnt out to be sumthin that wuznt as good as ye wuz hopin, a time when ye could spend daze chasin the gurl ye see in yer mine when ye hear that wispy voice n then ketch her n fine taint nuthin but too much sweaty flesh.

10-4, good buddy.