Tuesday, September 16, 2003

life of buddy don, chaptur 57:
a barren seasun

mayhap twuz everthang that had happent to me durin my most eager times in the jungle, mayhap twuz the suicide of my uncle donald, mayhap twuz a misalinemint of the stars or jes a losin streak, but thar wuz a period of sevrul munths when it seemed that everthang i tride dint perduce nuthin.

furst, thar wuz wurk, n thar i had to proov how yung n naive i could be. i wuz one of the yung folks thar, n we wuz trine to brang about a revolushun of sum kind. we bleeved thangs wuznt run rite n that we needed to show folks how twuz spozed to be. thar wuz six or eight of us, n we kindly rallied roun the fack that i had been given a projeck. n we wood meet ever mundy n make plans on whut we wuz a'gone do, n fer a while, even the folks in charge seemed a lil tuck back lack they wuz wunderin how to handle us.

at furst, they dint have no chants. the counter cultchur, witch we called ourself the counter cultchur on a counta we wuz all at lease sympathetic to the hippy way of livin. mos of us had gut hi n dint thank twuz a awful thang. n we figgered we knew jes whut wuz rong with the plant n how to shake it up n make it better. n we wood plan whut we wuz a gone do n wurk real hard to git reddy fer the meetins n then we wood all play our part in the meetin to make thangs go our way.

one of our big thangs wuz we wonted thangs to be specifick. all the documints n guidelines we wuz wurkin with wuz stated in the mos genrul terms possbull n we figgered twuz a data acquisition system we wuz a ritin n fer that it needed to be specifick. n we wonted the machines to cuntrol the process n take the data n make changes accordin to whut the data wuz sayin.

n that put us in opposishun to melvin paul, witch he wuz leader of the lab, and the folks who wurked in his lab on a counta they wuz the ones who gut to study the data n then say whut adjusmints wuz to be made. n lots of thangs wuz jes silly. twuz all q cleared stuff, so the odd thang is i cant be specifick here when i'm trine to splain the specificks, but heres a eggzample that wont give nuthin away. thar wuz, lets say, a magick liquid that wuz bein made over the years fer a funckshun i cant mentshun. n thar cum a time minny years befor when sumbidy used a maple stick to stir it. n seemed lack durin that time, the liquid wuz bettern ever. so they made it a rule always to stir it with a maple stick, even long after twuz auto mated.

n we bleeved sumbidy oughta figger out whuther the stick really made a differnts n ifn it did, whut kind of differnts wuz it? n we also wonted to know what changes led to whut effecks n would the lab tell us thar methods of how they analyzed thangs. n we had em on the run.

n then they sed they agreed with us n all we needed to do wuz rite a system specifickayshuns documint n splain how we wuz a'gone do all we sed we wuz a'gone do. n i wuz chose to do the ritin. n thats how they beat me on a counta i couldnt rite nuthin specifick without thar a'sharin the specificks with me. so i wurked lack crazy a ritin n revisin n we in the counter cultchur couldnt do nuthin but beg to be given the specificks.

but they had thar power n we dint really have nun. purty soon we looked at whut we had writ n we had to add mitt twuz jes as genrul a statemint as inny we had ever read n hated up to then. n then they made melvin paul the leader of the division that had the projeck n that mint he could git his revenge agin me fer leadin the revolushun. n purty soon i wuz back on graveyards ritin code n bein 'marginalized,' as they put it. n by then, i felt lack twuz better than havin the lil power i had dun had.

but thar wuz other barren thangs agoin on then. we wuz a trine to make a garden, n we had deecided we wood doot as a shared thang. everbidy wood wurk n everbidy wood git a equal share of the thangs we grew. n whut we grew by this method wuz lots of weeds n sum stunted onions n sum of theevil weed, witch fack is, we dint even do that verr well on a counta how our skedules wuz all differnt. woodnt nobidy wonta wurk alone in the garden, so theonly time ye could git much wurk a'goin wuz whenever all three of us wuz thar. n thar wuz argumints bout whuther twuz fair ifn mj wurked n shouldnt that mean virgil n mj wood git more? n we ast dint it seem lackly they wuz a'gone git more on a counta thar wuz more of em? n ruther than wurk, we wood sit aroun smokin theevil weed n arguin bout this kinda thang.

as a side note, that wuz our eggspearmint with communism n dint wurk. the nex year we split that garden spot into three plots n brew gut one n virg gut one n i gut one. n we grew so much that year that twuz all susannah n i could do to git everthang canned, n i wood be willin to bet thar are still sum canned tomaters or green beans under the big house a'waitin to be et.

n by then, it seemed lack thar wernt nuthin i wuz larnin at roane state communty collidge that wuz wurth knowin. the soseeallogy class wuz a way of sayin everthang that wuz intuitively obveeus in the furst place. the art class wuz sumthin to make all of us go buy paints n then show how we eethur had talent or not n thar wernt much of it to go round. n even the spanish class wuz not really teachin us much bout how to talk tuther lingo, jes how to memorize sum wurds n git past the spot.

n by then i had give up on the idee that ye wuz a'gone git inny closer to god or truth or the good or whutever by takin a drug. mayhap ye could find the rite ritchual, but i wuz beginnin to bleev twuz lack mr leopold had dun tole me, sumthing that happens whenever twill n not sumthin ye kin cuntrol or splain or even unnerstan.

but the wurst of the thangs that dint seem to perduce nuthin, the argon of lonely dint lead to nuthin but futher disappointmint. virgil had dun fallen in luv with a purty gurl name of kristina paulson n he writ a pome that wuz verr beeyootiful but he never give it to her n fer the mos part, he never dun nuthin but talk bout how he wuz a'gone do sumthin sumday.

n wurst wuz how he wood even talk bout it with mj n she wood git to feelin sorry for him on a counta she sed he hadnt never had nuthin frum a woman that wuznt give to him by me n i objeckted, but she sed twernt my fault. but she could unnerstan whar he mite wonta set his eye on gittin a sartin woman n then a'goin after her n gittin her. n i could unnerstan how he felt n i kindly lacked mj a lil better fer her unnerstannin it too.

corse, i wuznt near as cuncernt with innythang virgil wuz a'gone thru on a counta i had thangs i wuz a'gone thru n nuthin is more importunt to a person than his ownself. n i had reeched the wurst jam a person kin git in, witch i couldnt stop thankin n wishin n plannin bout how i could find 'the one' n yet ever gurl i had innythang to do with wuz jes a frustrayshun. ifn i gut her innerested, i wood lose my own intrest. n ifn i couldnt git her innerested, well, i could feel bad bout her, but i couldnt make nuthin happen, n ifn i broke thru n gut sumthin to happen, then i wuz rite back to whar i wonted to git rid of her.

the thang with susannah bilder wuz a purrfeck eggzample. furst i met her at wurk n dint thank much about her. fer one, she wuz not whut i cunsiderred my type on a counta she had a big nose n frizzy hair n a lazy eye. n the furst date we went all the way, n that lef me with nuthin lef to conquer bout her n that made me thank i jes wonted to git away. corse, since we wurked at the same place n ate in the same cafeterya, we wood see each other most everday. n furst couple of times, we wuz a lil uncomfertabull, but purty soon twuz clear i wuznt innerested.

purty soon along cum christopher martin, who wuz a verr handsum man n cold-harted a nuff to make susannah wonta see could the fire of luv burn in such a frigid place. lawsy day, but i felt low whenever he gut to eatin lunch with us, n soons i could see they wuz a'goin together, i wuz hurt n wonted to git her back, even tho i never really had her atall ceptn the one nite n that wuz really jes a taste test, as 'twere.

thang is, i wuz down mos all the time n couldnt keep frum wunderin whut wuz life all about n whar wuz god n why couldnt i figger whut wuz rite n all. n i gut to whar i wuznt datin nobidy, even tho i hadnt reached the unninerested point whar i wood be verr tractive to women. n i wuz sick of takin drugs n thankin thar wuz innythang but a confused mind that could cum of it. n i couldnt make up no songs n dint wonta rite nuthin n jes dint wonta do nuthin but wurk n ponder whut wuz i spozed to do with my life?

twuz a sad n borin time. n whut it all biled down to wuz i wuz livin a purty moral life fer a lil while. lease accordin to whut i wuz taught in church, witch i started even goin to church, but that seemed as barren as innythang else since twuz only talk n the repeatin of argumints fer why we should have faith, witch i dint see how no argumint could be needed fer faith.

witch wuz how i cum to rite that song with the line, 'give me the faith to have faith.'

n the main thang i larned frum this barren season wuz that without the faith to have faith, aint nuthin a'gone bear fruit.

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