3rd of 7 dedly sins: anger

i wood lack to jes spit or curse or do whutever i could to make the folks who created blogweaver suffer fer the awful way it wurks. whenever ye post, it asts do ye wonta save yer wurk, n ifn ye do, ye git two copies, so ye git in the habit of sayin cancel. but that means ifn ye make the miss take of clickin on 'template' in sted of 'post n publish,' ye git that same box astin do ye wonta save it, n by habit ye click cancel.

n thats jes whut i did this mornin after ritin a long chaptur 64. n thay aint nuthin i kin do bout it now on a counta i dint have a backup, n i should know better on a counta thats my job, heppin wall street bankers make shore they dont lose no wurk.

the wurst kind of anger is anger at yer ownself.

ach!!

2nd of 7 dedly sins, take 4: sloth (i slept rite thru it)

i jes couldnt make myself git outta the bed today, so  i reckon i'll cum up with the splainayshun of sloth a nuther day.

life of buddy don, chaptur 63:
animulls

whenever ye sit down to rite yer life, thars lots of hard thangs ye gut to cunsidder on a counta mos inny life has got lots of shameful parts toot, n the die lemma is, should ye tell them thangs or not? ifn whut ye wonta git dun is to let folks know bout the miss takes to avoid n the good thangs to try fer, ifn yer a'thankin sumbidy mite git sumthin outta yer life story moren a lil idle entertainmint, then ye gut to cunsidder that sum of them shameful episodes is the ones that needs tellin mos.

even befor we bought the farm, i had a animull, a orange tabby cat name of tinker. i had gut him whenever i wuz furst deevorced on a counta i felt lack i needed sum livin thang thar with me n tinker dun the trick. i wont bore ye with reasons why he wuz the worls bes cat, lack cat luvers lacks to do. i wont rite bout how he run off n gut in a fite n had to be spayed. nor will i rite bout how mazin twuz that he cum back home nor will i waste wurds on the folks that cum over to my place in kingstun n sed i had to give him back. n i truss ye know i dint. i did pay fer the surgry.

whenever brew n me moved back in to mamas i tuck tinker with me. n that mint a fuss n fite with daddy on a counta he dint bleev in havin no animulls that couldnt pay fer their keep n we dint have no barn n dint need no cat. tinker wernt but a kitten then. i ast wuz i payin rent, witch brew n me agreed to pay $150 a munth fer the room n bathroom we wuz a'sharin downstairs, n he add mitted i wuz n i sed in that case twernt his bizness. twuz true, so he give in, but he tole me i wuz a'gone half to keep the cat downstairs.

i sed i wood, but i  knew twuz a lie on a counta how ye a'gone keep a cat up thataway. n nex thang ye know, tinker had dun won daddys hart till the two of em wood play fer a hour at a stretch, tinker a'layin in daddys lap n battin at daddys hands n lettin daddy grab his hed. n daddys hands wuz all scratched up, but he dint care. he bought toys n speshul food n all fer that cat, n twuz a site to see em playin together.

corse, i tuck tinker out to the farm whenever we moved in thar. n brew gut him a dog name of chico. n virgil n mj had em two dogs, witch one wuz arnold who i tole about in chaptur 57, n tuther wuz fluffy, witch thatn wuz one of them poodle lack dogs only they never trimmed its hair thataway. n they had em that cat name of dumpster, witch he moved out into the woods n he wood jes brang em a mouse or a squirrel ever now n then.

n that shoulda been a nuff fer us fer the furst winter but i gut a noshun we needed a cuple goats. i dint jes go doot, but i brought up the idee to brew n virg one evnin before mj had left n everbidy thought twuz a good way to keep down the weeds n all, witch thay wuz a problem in the fall. so i gut wilhelm n nanny goat fer $45 frum a farmer i met at the coop. twuz a miss take on a counta i dint half time fer no goats.

n that should been a nuff, but gretchens bes friend pam agee had a german po-leece bitch that had jes had a litter of four puppies n suze wonted to go see em n by time we had dun that, we had ranger, the pick of the bunch n a grate dog. n twuz a nuther miss take, mayhap a wurser one, on a counta i dint half time fer no dog neethur.

brew n me, we hated to make the dogs stay out in the cold, but ifn his swang shif n my graveyards cum up jes rite, them dogs wood be stuck in doors, n greet ye with a awful mess to clean up.

corse su wuz grate about ranger. she knew lots bout trainin dogs n it give us sumthin to do, n she wood even keep ranger with her durin the week n that made thangs better. n she wuz good bout takin him everwhar, up to the smokies or to the lake in the canoe or even to a restrunt.

then one day we cum home n hes a layin by the fence n we sed ranger come n slapped our knees n he whimpered n seemed lack he wuz stuck but trine to cum. n su give him a nuther ranger cum n agin he tride but couldnt move. by then i had walked over n i saw that he had been hit by a car or maybe a tracter n couldnt use his back legs. twuz pitiful how he tride. we put him on a blanket n tuck him to the vet n they wuz able to patch him back up, but twuz a painful thang to go thru.

we made it thru the winter n changed the rules on the garden n deecided we wood git us sum chickens. we gut six hens n a rooster fer $13 n put em in a coop we had built fer em. corse, that dint hardly hole em n seem lack we spint lots of time chasin chickens. we wood improov the coop n try to make it whar they couldnt git out, n it mite wurk fer a bit, but soon a nuff, one wood git out, n then tutherns wood follow.

then i gut the suze blues fer real whenever we broke up n them animulls needed lots of tenshun, speshly ranger, n i wuz still a'goin to skool n dint even half her to hep out. so seem lack brew wuz always mad at me, n then the county cum n give me a notice that ranger wood half to be tide up all the time. n mj wuz mad bout everthang innyway, n this jes made it wurser.

as ye mite magine, them animulls started into dyin. furst to go wuz the nanny goat. i dont member whut twuz, but whenver we gut our naybor pete clayburn, witch he wuz a 70 year old retired farmer who hepped us out by tellin us whut we needed to do now n agin, innywho, whenever we gut him, he sed twuz probly too late but we wood half to git the goat to the vet quick as we could. n we did, but she died, n turnt out she wuz pregnunt n the kid died too.

wilhelm goat made it a lot longer, but he wuz a'gone end up ded as well. i reckon we all are, but tiz a shame when it happens early on a counta folks lack us jes bein plug ignernt. later in the summer we had us sum whole wheat flour that gut bugs, so we pored it into the mulch. twuz maybe 20 lbs, witch we bought way too much when we wuz thankin we wood cook all our bread, witch we did cook a few loaves.

corse twernt long befor wilhelm fount that flour n eat it all up at once. then he went to git him a long drank of water n purty soon he gut to brayin n laid hisself down n bleated bout his sufferin till he died.

then the dogs gut to whar they lacked to eat the chickens, n pete cum over n sed we wuz a'gone half to kill our dogs on a counta once they gut a taste fer eatin chickens, ye cant brake em of it. but them chickens wuz all ded befor we could figger whut to do.

but thay wuz good thangs bout them animulls. wilhelm cleared everthang we put him to. n twuz nice to git fresh eggs ever mornin while we could.

n mayhap best of all wuz how ranger n tinker wood play together. twuz a game a lot lack thatn tinker played with daddy. he wood be lyin on his back n ranger wood have em practickly in his mouth n tinker wood be a kickin n battin at rangers neck n face. n tinker wood git up n run off a lil ways till ranger cum after him n he wood bat at rangers face till ranger lunged n tuck him in his mouth, n they wood go thru the hole thang agin. twuz a real joy to watch em n they could carry on lack that fer hours.

n folks wood cum over n watch em n that led to many a discussion bout wuther animulls had soles. n it gut to whar i couldnt thank nuthin else. i noticed how they wuz all differnt n even two cats wuz not the same. n the more i knew inny animull, the more it seemed lack they wuz distinkt individuals. n i wuz readin books by that alan watts guy n a'studyin mistysism n flossofy n thar wuz lots of speckulayshun bout animulls.

we wood talk bout it a lot, speshly durin the weeks of the church of the callus basturds. randy n lesalle dint thank nuthin had no sole n purty much whenever ye died twuz the end of the hole universe, lease frum yer point of view. twuz such a friteful prospeck that dint nobidy else add mitt to bleevin it, but i thank mos everbidys afraid it mite be thataway.

virgil n brew n me purty much thought animulls had sum kinda soles, but we dint agree on everthang. i dint eat meat, fer instunts, n i felt lack they had em cumplete soles n heres how i splaint my argumint. i figgered ifn ye cummence with the assumpshun that everythang thats ever born has eggzackly the same intelligents n sole n all, but the instunt innythang git stuck in a particular bidy, the bidy of a fish fer instunts, thars only a few things that thar sole n intelligents kin do. it mite could be jes as much of a person as yew or me with the same potentchul intelligents but whut could it do? it couldnt talk on a counta it dont live in air n it couldnt write on a counta it woodnt have no hands. so i figgered thar wuz no reason to cunclude fer a fack that yer animulls wuz inny lessn we wuz.

n that mint ye mite as well treat em lack they had soles on a counta ifn twuz true, twood be a sin to treat em otherwise n ifn twernt, treatin em rite woodnt hurt nuthin. n that led to a argumint over whuther that mint ye couldnt eat meat n if it did, that would hurt the meat eaters. n ye kin jes magine how ye could kill a evenin sittin roun watchin ranger n tinker play n drankin jack n smoking theevil weed n all.

whenever mj cum back frum californy, she tole us we wuz all crazy n ast wuznt it obveeus that the animulls wuz jes lack us? she wuznt one to use a argumint, but i wuz glad she wuz on the rite side on a counta she lacked to git mad n turn thangs into a fuss n fite.

later that year ranger caught hisself a nuther tracter, n this time it killt him. i wuz at school when it happent, so by time i gut home, thar wuz his corpse a lyin by the rode n mj wuz splainin whut had happent. n thay wernt nobidy thar but tinker n mj n me.

the way she wuz a'huffin n a'puffin seemed lack mj wuz mad at me n jes trine to keep frum bustin out with sumthin. n i wuz specktin it to git the better of her, but she jes splained maybe three or four times whut she saw, witch wuz she herd him yelp n then saw he wuz thar lyin in the rode cryin n the farmer dint even stop.

n she sed tinker wuz thar furst to the bidy n thar he wuz even then a sittin n watchin rangers bidy beneath our feet. n he dint go off, not while we wuz diggin the hole, n not even after we had put rangers bidy in it. befor we covered it, tinker jumped down into the hole n sorta batted at rangers jaws n then licked his face a mint till finely i had to git down in the hole my ownself n drag him out.

i reckon i musta looked purty pitifull my ownself covered in mud n holdin that cat aginst my chest on a counta mj give me a hug n sed she luved me n she wuz glad to share the earth with the animull name of buddy don duncan.

but i wuznt sad bout ranger so much as i wuz ashamed n twood a been easier ifn she had sed i wuznt nuthin but a old so n so. n in my shame i cride, n whenever she hugged me agin, i cride harder till tinker jumped down n run off into the woods.

life of buddy don, chaptur 62:
the church of the callus basturds

the winter of 76-77 wuz one of the coldest i had ever eggsperienced. sevrul times my car, a beige 74 vw beetle, broke down. even when twuz wurkin, thay wuz times that i couldnt git the heat to wurk on a counta its handle bein froze on off. but suze had gut me to git steel belted michlin tires lack she had on her orange 74 vw, n no matter how much it snowed, we could still go wharever we wonted to.

we had a tuff time heatin the houses. the lil house had a purty good wood stove n that kep mos of it purty warm, but the big house dint have much. brew n me went together to git us a good'n n that made a lot of differnts. thang wuz, we dint have no heat atall in the bedrooms ceptn fer space heaters, n dint nun of us trust em a nuff to sleep with one on. so we put in the wood stove n spent a lot of time choppin wood. all in all twuz rite nice once twuz dun.

but houses n cars wernt the only thangs that seemed to freeze up. harts seemed to git a lil harder n even downrite brittle. virgil n mj had thar argumints, mainly over virgil thankin he needed to have sex with sumbidy else sides mj n mj wuz the kinda woman who could unnerstan how he felt, even ifn twernt the thang she wonted to hear. but he wuz wide open bout mos everthang he felt or thought.

so that mint whenever he had a crush on a gurl he wood half to tell everbidy all about it, startin with mj, n mainly that mint he wuz talkin bout a crush on a gurl name of vera rose. i even tuck her out one time sos he could have lease the vicarryus pleasure of knowin whut twood be lack. me n vera dint git along all that well, sartinly not to whar we wuz feelin thangs tho we did lack each other ok. i tole him she wuz a purty thang, but she dint lack much of innythang we did. she wuz one to use makeup n wurry bout wearin the rite cloze n blongin to the rite church. virgil n mj shopped at the goodwill or salvayshun army n he dint bleev in no churches. but he woodnt shut up bout her n he even rote a long pome n give it to her, n even mj gut to whar she dint know if she wonted to put up with much more humiliashun.

so she tuch a noshun that she wood go to californy to see her daddy n let him have a lil time with jill, n bout as quick as twuz deecided, she wuz gone n woodnt be back fer four munths, ifn she cum back atall. she tuck jason long with jill on a counta barbie wuz hopin to find wurk n dint have nobidy to watch her boy. n mj tole virgil with her gone, he wood have a chants to find out whuther he wuz with the rite woman n mayhap he wood git the wanderin urges outta his system.

i dint care much fer the plan on a counta it seemed to me the more ye wandered, the more ye thought ye needed to wander more. twuz lack one of them three-card gamblin games whar ye allways git bout this close to winnin n thank ifn ye jes put up a lil more money, yer a'gone git the big win. dont never happen, tho, till the money's all gone, n ye kin figger the metafor fer yer ownself bout whar this wood lead sumbidy trine to git it outta thar system. they wood end up emoshunly bankrupt.

fack is, i kindly figgered i had jes bout dun that rite befor i gut to the hiatus that led to my gittin together with suze.

once virgil dint have no mj to monitor his activties, ye mite thank he wood ast vera rose fer a date, but he never dun it. in sted, seem lack he gut a lil on the creepy side, or so twuz rumored. gretchen sed he wuz givin her the strangest looks n one time whenever she wuz over at trudys, here he cum n it freaked her out. turnt out he wuz hopin he mite git a chants to do the deed with trudy on a counta it seemed lack she wuz easy. thang wuz, she wuz a'goin with brew's best friend oscar clowder, witch virgil n oscar wuz purty good friens on a counta they both loved to drank likker.

n thang is, the hole time mj wuz in californy, virgil dint git a sangle date or git innythang outta his system ceptn lots of talk. n thats whar i cum in on a counta we wuz best friens fer years n twuz all on a counta the way we wood talk together. we bleeved we wuz both speshul n wuz a'gone change the worl n be rich n famus. n we had all kinda ways we thunk twuz a'gone happen. he had him a infinite gear ratio car idee that he lacked to talk about bettern innythang n a passel of other idees, but he never rote em down, jes kep refinin em in his hed.

long bout that time, brew n gretchen broke up. seems lack it had sumthin to do with brew gittin a crush on a gurl out at ornl whar he wuz a'wurkin.

n fack is, she wuz one of the models mama lacked to use in her cancer benefit fashun shows, witch mama was the manjer of a dress shop in downtown oak ridge n she wood use the fashion shows to raze money fer the cancer fun n sell a bunch of cloze to the models. mama knew how to sell innythang, n she wood make them models thank they wuz doin sumthin fer charity n fack is, she wuz a'sellin em the verr cloze they wuz a modellin. twuz a trick she used whar she knew ifn she could git em dressed in sumthin n git folks to ooh n aah overit, purt soon that model wood thank she had to have that dress or swimsuit or whutever twuz. so mama wuz happy bout the idee of brew a'gittin together with her kinda woman.

it dint wurk out, but he gut to spend a nuff time without gretchen to whar he wood be willin to have her back whenever he could.

n bout that verr same time, oscar clowder gut into a fite with trudy over how she always wonted to snort crystal t n he lacked to drank hard likker, speshly tequila, n she cum up with a black eye a time or two, n then she sed she fell n broke her nose, n after that, they dint see each other no more.

tuthern that wuz in a spot wuz randy fox. he wuz to the point whar he couldnt do much of nuthin on a counta all the anger n sadness he wuz a'carryin round with him. he wonted a woman but couldnt tolerate nun of em. he couldnt git him a job, n he had a friend name of lesalle frum chicago a visitin, n gut to whar they dint have no place to stay, so i invited em to stay at the farm fer a while. twuz the rong thang fer me to do without astin brew n virgil bout it, n it led to sum fites in due time. n thang wuz, lesalle wuz a hidin out frum the po-leece best we could guess after he had dun gone. but whenever he wuz thar, twuz lack he wuz a'lookin to git a start down south n he wurked rite hard on the farm n even hepped us put a roof on the barn.

n by the third week of febuwary, i wuz a'gittin the suze blues on a counta she wuz tired of havin to fit into the lil spare time lef after i wuz dun wurkin n goin to skool, n fack is, she wuz rite n had her a justifide greevunts. i dint hardly have no time atall. thar wuz wurk everday frum midnite till 8 in the mornin n skool from bout 9 or 9:30 till i gut home roun 1 pm n then sleep frum 2 till 10 n then wurk agin.

corse, often as not, i wood cum by her place to sleep or git up early to spend a lil time with her, that kinda thang, but thar cum a weekend whar i wonted to have a visit frum a new friend, a guy who wuz deep into crowley n i thought she wood wonta meet him, but twuz a fatally rong calculayshun. she had dun had it, so i tole her she shoulda been ware of whut she wonted on a counta she wuz a'gonna git it. n she sed she wuznt gittin nuthin but the leftover crumbs of my life innyway, so why bother? we had been a'fitin frum the beginnin over this kinda thang, n i had dun had my fill of it, so i tole her thay wuznt no reason to bother no more on a counta twuz over.

but fer sum reason, we reckoned we wood have us one last weekend together. she wuz a hedonist after all n bleeved ifn it felt good, twuz good, n why not at lease enjoy one more go round. but by time we wuz near fridy nite, i knew i couldnt doot n i thank she had made the same cunclooshun. i drove by her place n found her in bed. i figgered she wuz a'takin a nap on a counta she luved em better innybidy, but she wuz thar a'crine. i sat down on the bed n waited fer her to be dun sos i could splain how i woodnt be spendin the weekend with her.

but she dint finish so i sed i figgered that wuznt no way i could spend a weekend lack she wonted to do on a counta twuz jes too painful. that turnt on the spigot even wider n her tears started flowin in sobs n moans n purty soon she had grabbed me round my waste n tride to talk. but i dint move n i wuznt moved by nutnin she sed. i tole her agin that she wuz the one wonted this n i had dun had a nuff of fussin n fitin over thangs that wuznt a'gone change.

she tride to say sumthin, but she couldnt quit her crine, so finely i tole her goodbye n tuck her hands frum me. i had dun tuck her keys offn my chain. i tride to give em to her, but she had dun put her arms back roun my waist n she woodnt take the keys fer nuthin, so i gut up n made her let go n sed dont make me hurt ye. n she sobbed that i had dun hurt her more'n i knew. i dint anser that but gut up n sed i wood leeve her keys on the kitchen table. i dint look back.

that nite, we had the furst meetin of the church of the callus basturds, n the congregayshun wuz brew n virgil n randy n lesalle n oscar n me. n the servus wuz that we all gut together in the livin room of the big house n gut the wood stove rite hot n bought sum jack daniels, witch i had moved up in the likker i lacked on a counta suze showin me thar wuz more toot than the proof, witch ezra brooks wuz 90 proof n jack only 86, but twuz much better. n tween the jack n the everpresent evil weed, we wood git purty wasted n ast ourself who needed women innyway?

corse, astin the questchun wuz a'givin away the reel anser, witch wuz that we all needed women only we dint know how to make whut we could git wurk out with whut we wonted. n we each had our own lil problem. brew had the wanderin eye. virgil wonted to proov he could cunvints a woman to git nekkid with him, witch far as i know, that never happened ceptn with darlene n mj. lesalle dint thank a woman wuz his equal n he wuz always sayin twuz better to rent em on a counta ye knew jes how much ye wuz a'gone half to pay fer it whar ifn ye gut marrd, ye had to pay a hole lot more fer the verr same thang. n randy wuz sad on a counta he had a hard exterior n a sentimental hart, n that wuz hard to solve. mos women wuz afraid of him even tho he wuz a real sof touch inside. h even gut drunk a nuff one nite to say that as far as he could tell, twuz a hole lot less truble to use yer hand. n oscar felt lack women jes woodnt shut up n wuz always a trine to push yer buttons, speshly whenever ye wuz a'drankin n woodnt hardly shut up till ye shut em up. n he slapped hands with randy n sed twuz sumthin best tuck care of by hand.

a nuther thang we dun in the church of the callus basturds wuz talk bout the women we used to have. menchun wuz made of mj n how she dint seem lack thar wuz inny sex in her. virgil tuck this as well as he could, but ye could see it ailed him on a counta he bleeved twuz true. a hit dog hollers, as they say.

virgil cum back with commints bout gretchen n how all she really wonted from brew wuz a way to git hi. nobidy claimed she wuznt sexy, but she wuz jes usin it to git whut she wonted. n that made us all laff.

n that gut lesalle to splainin agin that rentin women wuz the bes practice on a counta ye wuz a'gittin em fer the one thang ye really wonted from em n not payin fer nuthin else.

n fer sum reason, that gut folks to talkin bout susannah, or suzie q as they called her. brew tuck off on it by sayin she wuz the greediest person he had ever met. n virgil jumped in a'sayin he never lacked her n wuz glad i had finely seen thru her. he sed she wuz jes usin me n tuck all my spare time n wuz a showvunist who thought folks with collidge degrees wuz bettern other folk. i wonted to ast why wuz he a'trine so hard to git a degree his ownself, but here cum randy a'sayin the purrfeck eggzample wuz her skinny joints. i ast why did everbidy start rollin em so thin ifn thay wuz sumthin rong with thin numbers, n they all laffed n sed twernt that it dint wurk, jes that it showed how stingy she wuz. n then the real feelins cum out when oscar n lesalle ast, almost in the same breath, whut could ye speck frum a jew?

n me? did i defend her? did i try to set the record strate? i wisht i could say i did, but sumhow whut they wuz sayin hit my funny bone, n i laffed. i dint even splain bout the evil of makin her into a thang in sted of a person. i wuz a lil shamed bout whut they thought n it stung me so till i hardly knew whut to say or do, n fack wuz, i figgered twuz jes as easy my relayshunship with susannah wuz over on a counta i dint lack it that folks had such mean pinions bout quote my woman unquote.

n whut wuz my real problem? i reckon twuz how i wonted everthang, skool, wurk, a chants to study mistysism, n a good woman who wuz a challenge n lacked sex n wonted to trip n yew name it. n i had gut me one whenever i gut together with susannah, but i wuznt willin to bend my skedule even a lil bit to spend more time with her. n i woodnt even defendher. n she woodnt let it go or try to unnerstand why i wonted everthang i did or how twuz better fer the future ifn i gut my degree now, only couldnt nobidy figger whut i wuz a'gone do with a degree in flossofy.

n when i look back on it now, i kin see jes how selfish i wuz. fack is, i wuz the mos callus basturd of us all.

pinions of buddy don: ritin

whenever i wuz yunger n went thru a ruff patch of life, my bruthers n sisters, speshly my sister roena may, witch she wuz the on mos lack me in lots of ways, wood say twuz 'grist fer the mill' on a counta they knew i lacked to rite pomes n songs n stories n such. n i member thanking many a time that without pain, thay wood be no creative ritin. but the truth aint so romantick. tiz habit that makes ye rite.

as i wurk on the life of buddy don, whoever i be, i look over the diary that wuz kep all them years ago, minin the 'grist fer the mill' to see whut the nex story oughta be. taint a purrfeckly cronologickull account of thangs, but tiz close. n in this here tellin of the life of buddy don, we're up to the year i turnt 25. here's sumthin writ in the diary back in january of 1977 that splains more'n i knew i wuz splainin bout ritin n life:

"Thursday, January 20, 1977 12:10 a.m.

"I am convinced that a person will grow tired of doing anything eventually. It doesn't matter how enjoyable the activity may have been when the person first performed it, soon enough it will begin to be less than enjoyable -- at least on occasion -- after the person's done it enough times.

"So I sometimes feel about writing in this diary. I'll walk into my office, drop it onto my desk with a sigh from me and a plop from it and suddenly realize that I dread writing in here with a deep sense of loathing, loathing because I know that I will write, that I must write, even though I don't want to do so. I'm sure many people would ask in irritation and disbelief why the hell I write when I don't want to write. I mean, after all, no one is forcing me to write. If I don't write, no one will chastise me. I owe my entries to no cause or person.

"So why do I write at such times? (And, parenthetically -- how redundant -- this is certainly one of those times.) I guess I do so because at other times, when my desires are inexplicably different, I will want to write or want to read what I have written. Further, I suspect that if one is to accomplish anything worthwhile in life, one will have to be able to perform the small and too often menially boring tasks necessary to perform that something, even when one would prefer not to perform them. It really does seem worthwhile for some strange reason. I realize that I am the type of person who accomplishes things bit by bit and that my only power, therefore, is my potential relentlessness.

"I guess one of the main reasons I ever dread writing in here has to do with the nature of what I may have to write. The events of the past twenty-four hours are probably just as familiar to you as they are to me: work & study, home to parents or farm, piano practice, school, home to Clinton, sleep, a visit to Su and back to you again. Why dwell upon such repetitive trivia anway? What makes me think I will ever want to know at some future date that I did indeed manage to follow my routine for yet one more day? I honestly don't know.

"I claim to love philosophy, religion, the occult, mysticism, history, literature, and the like. I do so, I say, because it makes me question, makes me wonder. I don't sit back in complacent comfort without examinig 'life' and its meaning and my relationship to it. I am a thinker, I say (and I think). But I sometimes wonder if by asking the big unanswerable questions about reality, existence, the universe, etc., I am really avoiding those same questions by making them big and assuming them to be unanswerable. What about me? Why am I mired in this routine? I feel like a man, sinking slowly into the depths of deadly quicksand, who looks to the heavens and seeing the stars, becomes distracted by the problems of their distance and beauty and thereby never really perceives his true situation until it's too late.

"Could it be that the really important questions are similar to, if not the same as, why writing in my own diary bores me?"

life of buddy don, chaptur 61:
on the beach

my life tuck a defnit turn fer the better whenever susannah n i gut together. fer one thang, i wuz too busy to do deals fer folks, n even tho that made em a lil put out with me, twuz fer the best. i wuz tired of all the craziness by then innyway. i told randy he could raze the money fer the deal in advants n then go to newport. it dint half to be me frunting the money n then not bein able to colleck.

fack is, ifn i hadnt had such a busy skedule n hadnt had susannah to fill up the res of the time, i probly wooda been doin stoopid thangs with randy or whoever. but i needed ever spare mint to keep frum havin whut i called the suze blues as a joke. n she wuz always pushin thangs to git more time outta whut lil thar wuz, so nobidy dint much git on me bout her.

they did have trubles with sum of her ways at furst. one thang folks cumplained bout whenever she furst started hangin out at the farm wuz how thin she rolled her joints. she sed folks wood git jes as hi on a thin one as they wood a fat'n, but folks dint bleev it n thay lacked to accuse her of bein stingy.

mj tole me one time twuz on a counta suzie bein a jew, but that jes made me mad n i sed twernt neethur. she had jes bummed a joint offn her n twuz one of her famous thin numbers. twuz the furst mj had ever bummed, n she wuz sprized by its size. she hadnt even burnt it on a counta she thought sumthin should be dun bout it. randy had made the same cumplaint, n brew dint lack it much only he wuz afraid to say nuthin bout it to my face. he had plenty of hep frum the lacks of mj.

she wuz a twiddlin with the thin thang n pertendin she could barly see it. so i ast her did she wonta test it n she sed she mite as well on a counta ye couldnt share it with too many folk. so i ast her did she thank twuz a'gone git us hi, n she sed she figgered twood remind us of the taste. so i sed to put sum fire toot n see.

i had jes cum home frum work n skool n wuz on the way to bed whenever she caught me to make her cumplaint. she cum up to the big house n we smoked the thang rite down to the roach n then i set that on fire sos we could make sure we gut the verr last of it. twuz part of su's strategy to make sure ye waste nuthin. by time thar wuznt nuthin lef, i ast mj had it wurked. she busted out laffin n sed, 'yeah, buddy, i reckon it did.'

n after that, she started spreddin the news n once folks gut over the size of the thang n begun lookin at howt affeckted em, they quit cumplainin. mj even splained all this to randy, n nex thang ye knew, he wuz rollin the skinny numbers his ownself. twuz one of many changes suze brought to the farm. marigolds wuz a'nuther n usin old newspaper to hep mulch wuz a nuther n keepin a box turtle n with yer mulch pile wuz a nuther.

i never tole suze bout the skinny joint episode n twuz jes as well. folks didnt lack her rite away on a counta the change in me, speshly whar i dint wonta go to newport no more. n i dint go back thar ever agin.

thang wuz, suze had plenty of places we could go, n she hated to waste a oppertunty. as we wuz gittin near to thanksgivin, she cum up with the idee that we oughta go down to florda fer a lil vacayshun. at furst i wuznt too eggcited bout it. twuz a long drive n a short holiday, but she wuz insistent in her quite way n i give in purty soon. she sed she wonted to trip on the beech, but she hadnt never dun it befor, n i tole her the furst time we wood half to be in a place whar she felt totally cumfertabull. i recommended her place n we picked us a saturdy n dun it.

lack ever thang, she had her own way of doin thangs. she hadnt never tripped in her hole life, but she had grate idees bout how to git reddy, idees i hadnt never cunsidered. she bought up a bunch of fruit, oranges n cherries n kiwis n grape n nanners n blue berries n moren i thought we could ever eat. n she gut sum nuts n baked sum fresh bread n gut sevrul differnt cheeses, includin thatn called brie, witch yer spozed to eat the outside of it n i never knew that befor she taught me bout it.

she also had a nice seleckshun of differnt kinds of theevil weed. she wuz the type who woodnt never smoke the verr last of her stash. fack is, she wood by a new ounce round the time she wuz half way thru the old one. she wood freeze whut she had lef over, n that mint she had plenty of differnt kinds at all times. she had sum kief n sum thai stick n about twenty differnt half bags of other stuff. i hadnt never known nobidy to do sumthin lack that, but she sed twuz on a counta she wood git tired of the affeck of the ounce she wuz smokin n twood make a real differnts to change up now n then.

that trip at her apartmint wuz one of the nicest ever. we stayed indoors most of the day, but we did take a walk in the woods behind her house. she gut so relaxed by the peak that she stripped off all her cloze n danced stark nekkid around her apartmint. she tuck mine off too, n twuz rite natchrul only twernt a sexy thang atall. n i lay thar on her bed a'watchin her enjoy the feelins she wuz a havin, watchin her lil hands clasped tween her breasts as she swayed to the musick n looked rite in my eyes fer the longest. n i couldnt hep but thank how this wuz the same woman that had made me feel so small on a counta her bein a injuneer n having christopher martin, a nuther injuneer, fer a boyfrien. magine ifn he saw her now!

we wuz also readin n studyin lack crazy on the occult. she wuz fascinated by astology n bleeved twuz possibly true. as i wuz with mos such thangs, i both lacked to dabble in it n couldnt bleev it. but i gut to whar i knew all the signs n whut they wuz spozed to signify n i even gut to knowin bout moon signs n risin signs n then the hole chart. she wuz a libra, i a capricorn, n that mint she could always see both sides of thangs, n i could always choose whut i wonted to do. twuz nice the way she saw both sides of thangs n reminded me of daddys way of argumint. n manys the time i wuz sprized by whut she mite notice bout tuther side of sumthin.

we wuz also a'studyin gurdjieff n ouspensky purty reglar. i had red them books, but havin her read em in her slow way wuz lack takin a corse in em. thay wuz loads of stuff in that gurdjieff fella, but the main two that we cum away with wuz his idea that there aint no single 'i' in inny person, but a multitood of em. thay wuz one that set the alarm to wake ye early n a nuther that wood be annoyed by the alarm nex day n turn't off. n thay wuz one that sed he wood quit smokin n a nuther that sed lets git hi. n they wuz all in conflick with each other.

tuther concept wuz the one bout 'member yerself.' thisn wuz the key to gittin all them i's together sos ye could larn whut ye wuz spozed to do. the point bout thisn wuz that fer the mos part, we wunder thru life without even noticin we're thar. tiz lack life is a movie. we git so caught up in it that when tiz over n the lites cum on, we're sprized to notice that we're not in the worl of the movie but in a theater with other folks. n thang is, we live mos of our lives asleep to the fack we're even thar. n when we member ourself, when we kin see the mazin reality of whar we are n how miraculus that is, then we have a chants to be the true 'i' fer once.

fer eggzample, ye could be walkin thru the woods n thankin bout the thangs ye need to git dun. ye fergit yer in the woods n fergit the wunder of having fangers n eyes n ears n yew name it. in sted, ye git squeezed into the tite lil worl of yer wurries n dont even notice that ye dun caged yerself n ye take lack its yer due. but ifn ye kin member yerself, ye mite notice the sound of them birds n the beauty of the woods n the feelin of bein alive.

i wuz wurkin strate midnites then n we wuz mainly jes havin a weekend relayshunship tho thay wuz many a time she wood cum over to take a nap with me or fix my brakefuss. n she wood have me sleep at her place sos she could take care of all that whenever she gut home. n thang wuz, she wonted to go on that vacayshun to git away frum everthang, the farm speshly, n be jes the two of us.

we drove mos all day n stopped to take a motel near jacksonville. n we ate our thanksgivin dinner in the room frum sum food she had brought with her. she wuz always branging food along n she hated to waste her money in restrunts ifn she alreddy had good food. n we had us a feast of cold food with fruits n nuts n breads n wine.

nex day we drove down towards st augustine. n as we wuz drivin down a1a, she sed she lacked it whar we wuz on a counta twuz mosly deserted, so we pulled over n we tuck our mesclun n went out on that beech n sat trippin fer hours, jes sittin in one place a'starin into each others eyes. n it seemed almos lack we broke the barrier tween us durin that time.

n later on she wonted to make luv on the beech, so we found us a secluded spot n rolled out a sleepin bag n tride it. twuz one of the mos difficult thangs i ever tride on a counta i couldnt quit maginin whut mite happen ifn sumbidy wuz to cum long n do sumthin. so i wood git reddy n we wood git started, n then i wood thank bout how unperteckted my back wuz, n nex thang ye knew, i wuznt reddy no more. but then she looked me in the eye n sed, 'remember yourself, bud.' n we looked in each others eyes as deep as we could go n that wuz a nuff till we gut dun. she wuz happy n i wuz releeved.

we drove into st augustine n found a place to stay fer the nite fer $10. we went in n we wuz still kindly trippin, n we ate agin n smoked a lil. n i ast her did she know much bout st augustine, n she thought i mint the city n she cummenced to sayin how twuz verr old n all. n i sed i mint the flossofer st augustine, n she sed she hadnt never studied the christchuns that much, n it seemed a lil odd even then how differnt our worls wuz on a counta we had been hearin bout the lacks of augustin n aquinas n descartes n pascal n calvin n knox n all them otherns, but she hadnt only she did know sum i dint know all that well lack moses maimonides n karl marx n spinoza.

n i sed twuz augustine who had him two idees that wuz almos as good as the ones we wuz larnin frum gurdjieff. n one wuz the questchun of truth n wisdom n the fack that ye half to have a nuff wisdom to know ye aint wise sos ye know to git truth n take the path to wisdum. n he had a grate line bout 'if i am wrong, then i am.' n that wuz way befor descartes sed, 'i thank, therefor i am.' n tuther wuz the thang bout faith, whar lessn ye bleev, ye cant unnerstand, but ye cant bleev lessn ye unnerstan, n the only thang that kin solve it is faith. faith is the furst step on the path to widsom on a counta its knowin and not knowin, makin room fer a thang known to be possbull and the desire to love the wisdom that ye aint never been able to enjoy.

n she sed, 'give me the faith to have faith,' n i laffed on a counta that wuz frum one of my songs.

now ye mite thank i wood be as happy as could be with a woman lack that. i had been hankerin fer one that wood lack to cum out to the farm n lack to garden n lack to trip n git hi n read flossofy n enjoy sex n yew name it. n thar wuz no bettern fer all of that than suze.

but twernt all easy. suze wus a liberated woman, the furstn i ever met. twuz the reason we dint git a long the furst time we went out on a counta it made her mad that i wonted to pay fer everthang. so i had to larn to let her git the check bout half the time. n that wuz sumthin to larn, but twernt all that hard once i caught onto when she wuz wontin to pay.

but whut wuz hard wuz how on okayshun i wood git the urge to say them three wurds. n yew wood thank she wuz wontin to use em her ownself or else whut did it matter whuther my majur wuz jurnalism or flossofy? but i wood find myself even now n agin sayin them wurds. it dint happen all that much, but thay wuz times durin sex when i knew she wuz near to gittin one of her rare orgasms, i mite whisper them wurds in her ear, n twood set her off. so i know she lacked hearin em.

but thar cum a day when she had to take a trip back up to buffaloe sos she could see her fambly. i tuck her to the airport to drop her off. n jes as she wuz about to git on the plane, i sed them wurds. n she turnt away n dint say nuthin, n lord how that stung me.

i felt foolish n angry n wundered why i give her any of my time. n i couldnt hep but thank bout how close we had seemed whenever we wuz trippin on the beach. had i ever felt closer to innybidy in my life? i dont thank i had till then. yet when she woodnt say them wurds, i felt as if i were more alone than i had ever been. n i couldnt thank of nuthin else the hole week she wuz gone.

i met her at the airport whenever she cum back, n she wuz glad to see me. virgil n i had made a vow to quit smokin fer at lease the furst quarter of classes, so i rolled her a skinny joint n had it reddy fer her but i dint smoke nun of it.

n i watched her as she wuz haply smokin n talkin bout everthang that had happened in new york. but i wuz a millyun miles away frum her, alone on my own lil beach n her alone on hers, separated by the ocean of them unspoke wurds.

a lil splainayshun

fer this thang to wurk, blogspot has to be up ever time i wonta publish sumthin. taint always the case, n this mornins a purrfeck eggzample. i gut up n found blogspot down. that mint i couldnt publish. ifn thay aint time to wurk on this in the morning, thay aint time fer me on a counta i have this job over in manhattan that eats up 11 hours of my time everday plus a nuther hour of commutin, half hour minimum each way. thay simply aint time lef fer me to do my bloggin ifn i cant git it dun furst thang in the mornin.

also, i dint speck to rite the hole life of buddy don. i dint know twuz a'gone happen atall. fack is, i half to cum up with each chaptur brand new n generly i dont half time to read it befor i leave fer wurk. when i cum home, i try to fix the wurst miss takes, but i know ima gone half to go thru the hole thang sumday.

but i mainly wonta thank my hand full of readers. fack is, i git near 50 hits a day, but 20 of em are searches fer the wurd quote hillbilly unquote n 20 to 25 are jes me. so i wonta say thanks to all five or six of ye who cums by ever now n then to read this stuff.

n ifn blogspot is up tomorrow (before 6:20 am), i'll rite ye a nuther chaptur.

life of buddy don, chaptur 60:
the munth of changes

september has always been the munth of changes in my life. i reckon tiz fer mos folks on a counta the way skool wurks. twuz in september i furst lef home to go to skool. n septembers the munth i furst marrd n four years later, twuz in september that darlene n i separated. n twuz september when i gut together with suze, witch everbidy at the farm called her suzie but i always called her suze or even jes su once we gut close. n that same september i started a'goin to ut, n that wuz a big change, bigger'n i could magine whenever it started.

my plan wuz to majur in jurnalism on a counta folks lacked the way i could write n i figgered i'd larn more bout it n make my money a'doin it. n that mint i had to git into the jurnalism collidge n fer that i had to show em i could type n that i had made purty good grades n all. i could type a little n my gpa wuz 3.99, witch i had made a b in golf my furst quarter even tho i wuz one of thonly ones in the class could play the game, but the perfesser figgered everbidy wood be happy with gittin either a or b fer the class. i dint cumplain on a counta i dint figger then how i wuz fixin to git strate a marks otherwise.

innywho, i went fer the innerview n showed em i could type n showed em my grades n they let me in. i signed up fer the furst jurnalism class ye had to take n a westurn civilizayshun class n politcull science n economics.

i later dropped the economics class whenever the teechur cheated on the furst test by puttin a questchun on it that wuznt in ever edishun of the book. i ast him bout it whenever he dun it n he put his nose in the air n sed twuz spellt out in the sillybus witchn we studints had to buy but i sed i had dun bought one on my own a year ago n red it. i dint see why i had to buy a new one. n he sed in that case, he dint see why i should expect innythang bettern a c on the test. twernt fair. i knew all tuther questchuns inside out. n bes of all, i knew the grade game thanks to darlene, n that mint i wuznt playin with sumbidy who dint play fair.

the politcull science class wernt all that speshul, but tuther two were jes rite fer me. thang wuz, they changed whut i wonted to do with life.

furst thar wuz jurnalism, witch the main thang i larnt frum it wuz i dint wonta be a jurnalist. i know they wuz heroes back then n wood report the truth bout even the presdint of the united states, unlack they later becum, but the thang that gut me wuz the awful way they had to live.

i larnt about that whenever we tuck a field trip to the knoxvull news-sentinel n the knoxvull journal, witch they wuz in the same buildin with one cummin out in the mornin n tuther in the evenin n seem lack the sentinel wuz a wee dab more librul than the journal.

but dint nun of that have much affeck on me. whut cunvints me i couldnt be a jurnalist wuz the horrbull wurkin cundishuns. we went into the room whar they wuz a'makin up the news, n twuz nuthin but a wide open field of lil cubiculls, each with its own desk n phone n typewriter n busy lil jurnalist. n twuz a verr noisy place to whar i couldnt magine folks could hear tharself thank.

thang is, i live in a lil cubicull village now n it dont bother me nun. but whenever i saw thatn, twuz the furst time i had ever seen one n i had been wurkin nuthin but midnites all alone in the quiet with my cumputer n my own offus n i couldnt magine how i wood be able to do innythang a'wurkin in such a place.

corse, that aint the hole reason. as ye mite member, when i wuz jes 2 i larnt bout runnin away. n whenever i run away to californy, twuz purty much the same thang, hedded away but without no idee bout whar i wuz a'goin. this time twernt jes wontin to git away frum jurnalism.

twuz fallin in luv with the westurn intelleck-chew-all tradishun, the greeks n histry n flossofy n litertchur n yew name it. n this cum bout on a counta havin a grate perfesser in that western civ class.

twuz a huge thang with over 200 students. the perfesser cum in with two t.a.'s, witch the t.a. stood fer teachin assistunt n they walked with him lack they wuz his bidy guards, witch they wuz in a way. he cum in lack a rock star at a concert n he even put on his lil microfone n innerduced his self as docter sheffield. he wore his hair n beerd lack one of them greek flossofers, socrates or plato fer eggzample, n he had im a big deep voice n whenver he gut to spinnin tales of the burth of civilizayshun n all, twuz bout the mos eggcitin thang i had yet hurd.

corse, i wuz back to wurkin midnites n jes givin the cumpny the programmin they wonted without nun of the ambishun, so that mint i only needed to give em bout three hours a night, jes a nuff to keep ahed of the day shift. n that mint i could read ever book that wuz eether required or recummended, n thar wuz a long list of em.

n seem lack i wuz finely a'gittin at the truth bout how we cum to thank the way we do. n mos everthang we used to talk bout whenever we wuz trippin wuz dun covered better by socrates n plato n aristotle. twuz as if i had cum online fer the furst time n could git a peek at whut all thar wuz that ye could know n look up.

but twernt all good. we cum to the furst test, n heres whut twuz. they give us 30 mints to write two essays on these here 2 questchuns: (1) "Sum up the contributions to philosophy made by the Greeks during their Golden Age"; and (2) "Discuss the rise of Christianity, explaining its advantages, the environment in which it grew, its relationship to Judaism, etc. Was the rise of Christianity the cause of the 'decline' of Rome? What relationship do the two pheonomena have?"

whenever i saw them questchuns on the test, it made me mad. how wuz we spozed to perduce innythang of valu in 30 mints on topicks lack them? ye could spend yer life on eethur one of them topicks n still not git to the end of whut ye wood need to say. i dont know whut the anser is, but i also dint thank that test wuz good fer much. thays folks that knows thangs but cant put em down in ritin real fast. even if i wuz one of the lucky ones, it still made me mad.

so whenever they had the discushun class, witch that wuz run by one or tuther of the t.a.'s and not even the real perfesser, we gut to discussin the test n i splained whut wuz rong with it. n the t.a. couldnt git my point on a counta i had dun got a a on it so whut else did i wont? i tole him i wonted a better method of findin out whuther folks had larnt whut wuz bein taught n that gut to whar he sed we should talk after class n that gut too long fer me on a counta i had to go to bed sos i could wurk that nite at midnite.

the t.a. seemed rite impresst bout how i had me a job, n he ast how had i dun it n i splained it best i could. n he sed mayhap i wood lack to tell docter sheffield bout whut wuz rong with that thar test, n i sed i shore wood. so he set up a pointmint with docter sheffield fer 12 noon the next thursdy.

i wuz thar rite on time but he made me wait till he wuz dun with a differnt student. then he ast me in. twuz a tiny lil place jes stuffed with books, i mean frum the floor to the ceilin on shelves n even more in piles on the desk n in the floor. ye had to step real keerful lack to keep from knockin em over.

we gut to talkin n he let me make my points n then he made a cuple n twuz a lot lack talkin with my daddy n on a counta that, it went a lil long till i sed i lacked his class n he sed i had a good grasp of rhetorick n i ast whut wuz that n he give me a book with the same title by aristotle. n then i gut up to leeve, but we gut to discussin fate n eddipuss till i couldnt hardly stand all the thoughts a runnin thru my hed. n i dint fall asleep till near five o'clock on a counta i wuz readin that aristotle book n i knew i had found the real thang.

n frum that i determined that i wood not be a jurnalist, but i wood study flossofy n i wood git to whar i could flossofize as good as docter sheffield n mayhap i mite cum to unnerstan bout whar ye need to look fer god or ifn thar could even be one n i could git ansers to them other questchuns that wuz a'bothern me lack whut wuz good n whut wuz real n whut wuz beeyootiful. n why they wuz too.

whenever i splained my plan to suze, twuz the start of sum truble that jes dint wonta go away.

thang is, suze wuz a verr practicull woman. she could see how ye could make a lil money peddlin yer jurnalism, witch whut she dint git wuz why dint i go into cumputer science, quote whar the money wuz unquote, witch i tole her strate out thar wuz no way i wuz a'gone spend my life wurkin with cumputers, or at least, that wuz whut i thought at the time. innywho, she could see whar ye mite git sum pay fer jurnalism, but she couldnt thank of innyway to git money frum flossofy no matter how good ye could doot.

i could see how she mite thank the way she dun. see, susannah leah bilder wuz a orphan frum tonowanda new york, witch thats up round buffalo sumwhar. her mama had died of cancer n her daddy had died of a hart attack. she had two bruthers n one sister n she wuz the thurd of em n she wuz 8 years old whenever her daddy died, witch he wuz secunt to go n dint even lass a year after her mama died. so her uncle razed her n her bruthers n sister, n that wuz a hard way to go.

n wurst wuz, all four of her grandparnts died in them concentrayshun camps overn nazi germny. n whenever she tole me that, twuz as if i had run into a ugly wart on the verr nose of histry, one ye cant keep frum lookin at once ye notice it. n i could see frum such a histry whar she mite wonta know how to take keer of herself.

fack is, thats why she gut her degree in chemicull injuneerin. she splaint it thisaway. she knew she wuznt willin to wurk hard a nuff to be no docter n she couldnt take lookin at peeples teeth all day so bein a dentist wuz out n she dint thank she wuz smart a nuff to be a lawyer n she figgered she mite make a good psychiatrist but thar wuz that docter thang agin.

so she figgered she could git good money as a injuneer, n chemicull seemed lack the easiest one to go fer. n thang is, as odd as such logick is, twuz near the same as darlene used whenever she deecided to be a lecktricull injuneer, only in her case, she wuz in luv with math.

i tole suze i dint subscribe to her logick n i had to follow whut i wuz curyas to larn n i figgered ifn i larnt it good a nuff, i ought be able to figger out how to make it pay. but she wood git to astin how n i couldnt give her a anser ceptn i knew twuz the rite thang to do.

corse, thars always more toot than ye kin splain whenever ye go over the bare bones of the conflick. thar wuz also the fack that with me wurkin midnites n a'goin to skool all mornin, well, i couldnt see suze atall till the weekends n then thar wuz the fuss n fite over sundy afternoon on a counta i wonted to go to bed n she wonted to do sumthin with the rest of her weekend.

n that wuz hard on a counta we got along so well whenever the weekend cum. fer one thang, she wuz a hedonist n she wuz the one that taught me whut that mint. she wuz a grate cook n she taught me bout wines n showed me that budweiser warnt much in the way of good beer. n she taught me bout growin marrgolds to keep the bugs outen yer garden, witch twuz too late fer our garden that year, but i used em the nex year. n she gut me to growin a herb garden. n twuz frum her i larnt bout egg plant n whenever she found out i wonted to quit eatin meat, she showed me how we could eat more differnt thangs thataway.

ceptn she sed she resurved the rite to make chicken soup with matzo balls ifn need be on a counta twuz medicin, n fack is, she could cure ye of a cold bettern innybidy.

n the main thang bout bein a hedonist wuz how she luved sex n luved to see how could it be better n more intents n all. she lacked fer it to go real slow n last a long time. n she lacked to have musick on in the background n she luved fer everthang to be goodn lubricated, witch she taught me the wurd lubrishus n tiz a goodn. she wood even use oils to make thangs slippier n more lubrishus than they already wuz n thar wood be a smell n feel toot n she wood say twuz bes to appeal to all 5 of the senses, n that mint she wonted whut she called a tung lashin, witch i hadnt really larnt thatn as well as i thought i had.  fack is, i larnt a lot frum her that i never knew befor bout women.

n thang is, on them sundy afternoons when she dint wonta let me go to bed, witch i wonted to be thar by 2 if possbull, 3 at the latest, well, the bed wuz whar we wood half the battle n sex wuz our weppons. i wood try to give her a lil peck on the cheek n say 'goodnite, ima gone to bed now,' but she wood kiss me a lil more n say how she wuz a'gone miss me. n i wood kiss her back a lil n say i wuz a'gone miss her too. we wood carr on lack that till finely i sed i jes had to git to bed.

n ifn twuz a'gone end ugly, she mite say twood be wurth it ifn i wuz a'gittin a degree in sumthin whar thar wuz a chants i wood be able to pay bills ifn i ever graduwaited n then i woodnt be able to keep silent till we wuz into a good fuss n fite n that ended whenever she roared off in her orange beetle. n i wood be halfway glad, jes to have it over.

but sumtimes it dint end ugly. she wood say she wuz a'gone cum with me n take a nap, witch she luved a nap bettern innybidy. n sumtimes we wood fall strate to sleep, but manys the time we wood git to touchin n nex thang ye know it could be 7 o'clock n i wood be mad on a counta she wooda dun wore me out by then n i had to get up n jes 3 hours, n she wood feel bad but she wood say twuz good fer me n i knew it.

but one time it ended ugly n we dint talk atall fer three or four weeks strate, maybe longer. n i wuz halfway glad on a counta i dint feel i needed to git me no gurlfriend on a counta i had one even ifn we wuznt talkin so i gut a lot more dun on weekends n gut to sleep.

but then i gut to missin her, n thar wuz mornins whar i wood pass her cumin in to wurk whenever i wuz on my way home. n i could see she wuz watchin fer me n purty soon we wuz wavin at each other till i figgered i needed to do sumthin. by then i had larned to quote see her unquote, n she had becum verr beeyootiful oncet i caught onto her kinda purty. i cant splain that kinda thang, but twuz a fack, n i wood half to larn it overn over agin.

twuz in the middle of the hi holy days. i had been readin a book on judaism on a counta i wonted to know more bout her, so i knew twuz about then.

i called her n ast wuz we ever gone see each other agin n she sed wuz we? n i sed mayhap i should ast her out on a date, n she sed mayhap i should, but whut happens if she sez no? n i sed twuz a chants i wood half to take on a counta i had sumthin real speshul in mind.

corse that gut her a'goin till she wuz beggin to know whut twuz. i sed i dint wonta tell her till i knew ifn she wuz free on fridy nite. n she sed she dint see why not, so whut wuz the sprize?

i sed twuz the hi holidays n mayhap we could do whutever ye do fer it. she wuz sprized that i even knew n wonted to know how i had dun it. i splained how i wuz a'studyin up on thangs.

'buddy don duncan, you are full of wonderment.'

she splained how she used to be all eggcited bout this time of year whenever she wuz young, but she gut tired of her relijun the way folks lacks to do once theys out on thar own. i ast her did that mean she woodnt go to her church with me, witch she dint anser but only splained that they generly called it temple, so i tole her i still wonted to go.

i could see that she never wooda dun it ifn i hadnt been astin, n even then, she dint much wont to, but i kep on n tole her i hadnt never been. n i sed i bleeved it could be as big a thang as trippin n she lafft n asked wuz i ever a'gone keep my promiss n teech her how, n i kissed her n sed i wood swap with her on it. n she sed twuz a deal.

so i gut out my good suit n polished sum dress shoes. i trimmed n cleaned myself up nice n made sure i wuz as pealin to the 5 senses as i could be. i made us a beethoven tape fer my cassette n cleaned out my car n sprayed it with a wee dab of lysol. n whenever i i picked her up, she wuz dressed up too n i dont know when i'd ever felt more moved by a womans simple beauty.

the temple wuz over on kingston pike. the place wuz full, n the servus hit me much hardern i speckted. n fack is, it made me almost wonta cry. i had jes been readin bout ritchul magick, n here wuz the granddaddy of em all. n i could see how a'keepin such ritchuls could make folks strong n give em a healthy lank to thar past.

twuz a lot lack the feelin i wuz a'gittin frum studyin westurn civilizayshun n i tole suze as much n seem lack that gut her a lil over to my side.

we cum out n tuck a drive. we had waited till after the servus to smoke innythang, n we even drove back to oak ridge down by melton hill lake n we sat out on a bench n smoked n talked. n she wuz sprized at how much the servus had made her thank n how deep inside it had touched her. n i tole her how it had dun me. n i splained how twuz a lot lack the feelin i wuz a'gittin a'studyin flossofy n that i knew twuz the rite thang to do.

by then i had her in my arms n wuz talkin in a bare whisper. she lacked to rub noses verr slow n twuz quite affecktiv n we kissed a while n touched n purty soon she sed she could unnerstan how i wonted to study flossofy n ifn i felt so strong bout it, mayhap i wuz rite. i wuz so happy i kissed her n stroked her a lil till she started in to moanin. n then her hands wuz roamin all over that suit till they found whut they wuz a'lookin fer n i lafft out loud whenever she tuck a hold.

n she cum in even closer n put her lips rite on my ear n her voice wuz low n sexy n it made me tingle the way she whispered n squeezed me. n real slow lack only she could do she sed histry (squeeze) n books (squeeze) n flossofy (squeeze) n ritchuls that move us (squeeze) n make us grow (squeeze kiss squeeze) n make us thank bout thangs (squeeze kiss squeeze) is wine fer the sole (squeeze) n we should uncork it (squeeze) n drank deeply (kiss).

then she kissed my neck n begun kneelin. n then she wuz a'sayin how luv wuz food fer the sole. i reached down n tuck her hair in my hands. n she looked up fer a mint, then she bowed her hed n sed how we should take of it, n having taken, eat till we wuz satisfide.

life of buddy don, chaptur 59:
oh susannah!

mayhap ye member chaptur 41 whar i splained the rules i had discuvert bout how women wurks. rule #2 wuz how women luvs outlaws. i also mentchuned how a woman is attrackted to a man who aint innerested, speshly ifn he treats her bad, witch that wuz rule #3, and finely, thar wuz rule #4, witch thatn points out that ye cant ack lack yer uninnerested. them rules cum together fer me in september of 1976.

eli wuz a big influents durin this time. hes the one put me on to crowly n colin wilson n arthur rimbaud's season in hell n charles baudelaire's flowrs of evil. we wood discuss whutever twuz he wuz a readin n i gut to read a lot of good books thataway only we wuznt readin em jes to enjoy em but to figger out wuz they the true voice of god n all lack that.

but the ones that seemed lack the hit me the hardest wuz crowleys magick in theory and practice and pd ouspenskys in search of the miraculous, witch they wuz both bout the supernathrul or sumthin other than jes plain ole everday life, n fer that, thar wuz a book that i half to add mitt wuz a bigger influence even if twuz only pop psych or sumthin, n that wuz eric bernes what do you say after hello?

i give a copy of that lastn to susannah on a counta she wuz a wunderin why she wuz a'lettin herself be hurt by the lacks of christopher martin. she wuz the slowest reader i ever met, but whenever she wuz a'readin a book or gut dun readin one, she wood larn ye more bout it than ye could magine wuz innit. thar wuz sevrul books that i read n then gut to know on a counta her readin em after me in her verr slow way. n she questchunned everthang.

but fer me, the thang i wuz a gittin frum them books wuz that i needed to change how i wuz a livin. i made a list of the thangs that needed fixin: (1) quit drankin likker, (2) quit smokin, (3) quit dealin, (4) quit drankin coffee, (5) quit eatin meat, (6) quit trippin, (7) quit my job at union carbide, (8) devote myself to writin musick n wurds, (9) git shed of so many material posseshuns, (10) study magick, (11) quit having meaninless sex, (12) finish my educayshun and (13) travel.

lack mos folks that makes a list of thangs they wonts to quit a'doin or start a'doin, the list wuz a nuff to keep me embarrassed on a counta i couldnt seem to make much progress with it n wuz sumthin to show me how i could make a plan but couldnt hardly do nuthin to make it wurk.

part of the problem wuz the time i picked to reform myself. ye cant change nobidy but yer ownself, ifn ye kin even do that, but ifn yer hangin round folks that lacks to git hi, yer gonna git lots of temptayshun. n lessn ye wonta move away, tiz hard to scape yer habits.

but i tride n gut to whar i wuznt smokin much durin the week n quit drankin n quit eatin meat ceptn fer fish. n i dint have much in the way of material posseshuns in the furst place, so thatn wuz easy. as fer women, i wuz sworn off on a counta i couldnt git no satisfackshun frum em n seemed lack masturbayshun solved that problem a lil better. n i wuz studyin thangs all my life n magick wuz jes one more of em. n corse i played peeano ever chants i gut n i wrote everday, so sum the thangs on the list wuz wurkin out.

i never made no progress on coffee, but i gut to whar i wuznt drankin moren six cups a day, witch that wuz way down frum the ten or twelve i wuz used to. n quittin trippin wuz a matter of whuther thar wuz innythang to trip with, witch thay wuznt much mos of the time.

corse, i probly never wooda gut together with susannah ifn i had been able to reform myself as cumpletely as i tride to do. in sted, i reckon i fell into doin even wurser thangs than before.

main reason wuz how randy fox had found him this cunnexshun in newport that had mos innythang ye could wonta buy n he knew lots of folks who wonted to git sum of the thangs his cunnexshun wuz a'sellin. mosly that mint theevil weed n sumthin to trip with lack mesclun n thar wuz that powder that wuz called crystal t or hydraulick cannibinol or whutever it really wuz. n ye could git all that n other thangs that folks we knew dint wont lack heroin or coke or quayludes.

so randy gut him this idee that we oughta git in the bizness of buyin low n sellin hi, n twuz purty easy fer him to spin up such a plan since he wuz thankin i wood cum up with the money to git started n we had loads of folks cumin to the farm who wonted to buy n the hypo thesis wuz that we wood do all right thataway.

i wuz still feelin lack i had to proov to everbidy that i wuz jes as fearless as they claimt i wuz, so i went along with the plan. i tride to splain it to myself a many a way. thang is, i wuz searchin hard to figger out thangs lack (1) whut is real? (2) whut is good? (3) whut is true?(4) is thar a god? (5) could ye know innythang? and (6) whut wuz really beeyootiful bout a book or pome or song or whutever. n i red thangs lack the books i dun mentchunned n then i gut to readin aleister crowley on magick n will n i lacked his thang bout 'do what thou wilt shall be the hole of the law.'

i tride to cunvints myself that havin lots of eggserients wuz how ye larnt whut ye wuz here for, but i wuz also scairt that i wuz a'gone git caught n put in jail or sumthin. n that fear seemed to make everthang jes that much more eggcitin.

durin that time, i dint wont nobidy to know whut randy n me wuz up to, so that made me less innerested than ever in havin folks lack susannah, witch by then we wuz callin her suzy, cum roun wontin to git closer to me. n whenever i treated her bad to keep her frum gittin inny closer, well, that gut her a'goin moren ever.

she wood ast mj whut wuz a'goin on with me n why dint i allow nobidy to git no closer. n that only made thangs wurser than befor on a counta mj wood splain that i wuz doin thangs i ought not be doin lack dealin. n corse, that made me a outlaw n purty soon suzy gut to whar she couldnt hardly git a nuff of me.

taint that i dint lack her. even tho i couldnt see nuthin all that attracktiv bout her whenever we furst met, the more she cum aroun, the more i gut to whar i could notice how purty her hair wuz n how exotic her look wuz n how fine her bidy wuz n how she wuz innerested in mos everthang i lacked. but i dint wont her to know whut i wuz a'doin, n that led to sum times i treated her verr bad.

one of the wurst times wuz when randy wonted me to go n meet his cunnexshun. she wonted to do sumthin n had tickets to go see earl scruggs agin n i tole her she shoulda checked to see wuz i busy, witch i wuz, n when she ast whut i wuz a'doin, i tole her twuz nun of her bizness. i reckon i even sed sumthin mean lack, 'why dont ye ast christopher martin?'

thang wuz, i wuznt innerested. ye cant fake that n have no woman fall fer it. i dint wont nuthin to do with women on a counta i wuz trine to reform. mosly, i dint wont her to know whut i wuz a'gonna do.

randy drove us up to see his cunnexshun, a kid name of dewey patterson who lived in a trailer thar in newport. ye mite have dun herd of newport on a counta thats whar they have them snake handlers. n everbidy had em a gun. n makin firewurks wuz a majur industry thar.

dewey had a cuple of them dobermun pintchers gardin his trailer, only ye could git in ifn ye kep on the far side of thar chain. but they wuz a'barkin lack crazy. we wint in n furst thang i saw wuz the barrel of a gun pointed rite at my hed n thar wuz a nuther fella thar who also had a gun n they checked to see did we have one or did we have a quote wire unquote on us n that made randy mad so he sed lets go n that made em put thar guns away n ast whut did we wonta buy.

we tole him we wonted a cuple lbs of theevil weed n sum mesclun n sum t, n he had it all. he sed we could have a lick of the t to make shure twuz good a nuff, n twuz. we gut to countin n measurin everthang n while we wuz a doin it, a black guy cum to the door n bout him a nickel bag of theevil. n mo more than ten mints after he lef, here cum a nuther fella with a gun n a rebel hat. he gut to astin dewey, 'did yew sell that nigger innythang?' n dewey sed he had, n the rebel sed bobby joe had follered the black guy n pullt him over.

that gut all three of em to shoutin at each other n mainly they wuz mad at dewey fer doin bizness with black folk. they fergot all bout randy n me, so we kep a countin n gittin reddy to leeve. i dint wonta take nuthin with us, but randy wuz thankin we could git sumthin exter on a counta they wernt payin us no tenchun only i tole him we wood be fools to do that n to proov it i had to make sure we dint. dewey wuz rite glad we wuz hones, witch he tole us that later on n even sed he wood give us a lifetime discount on his products.

we stuffed the bags down into our shorts n lef. my hart never beet so hard in all my life. i wuz shore this time i wuz a'gone git caught. my stumach wuz in knots n i could barly walk, but i dint add mitt to nuthin. corse, by then the t wuz a'kickin in, makin everthang all that much more intents.

randy sed, 'shoot the devil, bud, ye aint got no nerves, do ye?' i reckon he wuz scairt too. sumhow he knew a way of gittin out of thar n nex thang i knew we wuz in gatlinburg a'sittin at the house of a racist redneck he knew. we listned to her fer long as i could take it n then i sed that i wuz reddy to go. n randy dint move so i sed i wood walk ifn i had to. so we lef n randy ast whut gut my shorts in a not. i dint half to anser on a counta he knew i dint lack that kinda talk.

we gut back to the farm n thar wuz a crowd waitin to git thar share of the booty. n ifn they had paid whut they promissed, witch they never did fer the mos part, we wooda made money, but it dint wurk thataway. we did make a lil money frum my friends in the valley, but the folks on the farm lacked to have thangs frunted to em n then they woodnt never pay. n sad truth wuz, randy wuz the wurst.

but the main thang i wuz wurried bout jes then wuz how susannah had cum to visit jes after everbidy had dun tuck sum of the drugs. n thangs wuz a lil mellow on a counta everbidy wuz trippin or whutever. n she wonted to know could she doot, n i sed i dint thank twuz wize to doot jes then, on a counta she hadnt never dun it befor n the furst time is rite scary n tiz better to be in a place ye feel safe n all. n corse, that made her wont it all the more. i promissed we could git together the nex weekend n we wood trip.

only by the nex weekend, i dint feel lack doin no drugs. i wuz sick of it, so i called to say i woodnt be trippin with her that weekend n maybe sum other time wood be better. n she sed twuz ok, but wood i lack to go out in her canoe? she needed to talk.

by then we had becum the kinda friends that could take a hike or a drive n talk bout how thangs wuz a'goin with her. i dint wonta go, but i couldnt never say no whenever sumbidy wuz astin fer my hep thataway, so i sed id be happy to.

we paddled out to a spit of lan on watts bar lake n found us a nice place to sit. n we smoked sum of theevil weed n listned to the birds makin thar musick n everthang wuz terrbly beeyootiful.

we gut to whar we wuz sittin back to back n talkin bout that book by eric berne. n she remarked bout how hard twuz to fine luv. n i sed that wuz rite n twuz hard even jes to fine a good cumpanyun. n she sed she had found her one, n whenever she sed it, she leaned back a lil harder. n i felt a lil thrill run thru me. n i sed i wuz tired of all the games n crazed stuff. n she sed she wuz too. n she turnt a lil n her hand fell on mine n she kindly stroked it till i tuck her hand in mine. n we kep talkin n holdin hands till thar wuz a kiss. n twuz lack a dam brakin n the flood of desire swep us way till we noticed twuz gittin almos too late to paddle back n we dint have no tent, so we put our cloze back on n lef.

oh susannah!

life of buddy don, chaptur 58:
rondayvu with the fat chicks

ye mite member bout the cb craze that tuck everbidy by sprize in the summer of 1976. cb radios wuz all the rage at the time n thay wuz songs lack convoy by cw mcall. it cum durin a time when i wuz trine to live a better life n quit doin lots of the thangs i had been a'doin. corse, a lot of that had to do with lack of temptayshun.

n that cum about on a counta randy fox gittin him a job up in gatlinburg at a place name of lums. he wuz nite manjer n dint have no time to spend with me, n i cant say i'm cumplainin bout it. i gut so i dint sleep with no gurls with one eggcepshun n i jes about quit smokin theevil weed n it gut so my life wuz purty borin. ye mite call it normal.

i wurked hard, goin back on midnites to speed up the programmin process after we los the battle over the data acquisistion system whenever melvin paul tuck over our lil part of operayshuns. he filed the report n had us go back to the ole way of doin thangs, rite down to the maple stick, no doubt. my allies n i jes did our bes to keep ahed of all them others with our programmin, n i could git lots dun over nite. durin the day, i did a lil gardenin, visted with virgil n mj n that kinda thang.

i graduwaited frum roane state communty collidge n had the summer off. i planned to start at the university of tennessee knoxvull in the fall, witch everbidy really called it ut or even utk. main thang wuz, even tho i couldnt stop thankin bout the argon of lonely, i tride not to date nobidy.

that dint mean i dint have the occashunull lapse, as 'twere. barbie wuz practicly livin with virgil n mj, n that mint tite quarters now n then on a counta till they finished finely fixin the big house, i slept thar a lot my ownself. on weekends, we lacked to go to the flea market n eat at the twins restrunt n clinton. one time we all went, virgil, mj, jill, barbie, brew, gretchen n me. brew n gretchen lef early n tuck jill to visit the knoxvul zoo with em. the res of us bought a bunch of junk, includin sum books.

i had picked up sevrul as always n thar wuz one i dint notice wuz a sex book. i thought it sed the pilgrim's progress by john bunyan but it turnt out to be the pilgrim's regress by anonymus. barbie wuz the one discuvered twuz a sex book, n that mint she had to start a readin it while we drove round n they smoked a cuple of joints.

by time we gut home, we wuz all purty aroused by it. virgil n mj disappeered into the bedroom. barbie cum rite out n ast why dint the two of us take add vantage of bein so wurked up n go to bed n do sumthin bout it, but i wuz really trine not to do that kinda thang. in sted, i wurked lack crazy in the weed patch we wuz callin a garden, witch we did git sum taters to grow.

corse, mosly we grew weeds, n twernt only on a counta how we wuz too ideelistick fer real folks in thankin everbidy wood wurk n all could shar the harvest. twuz also on a counta virgil had these strange idees bout thangs. he cum up with the idee that ye ought not top off yer onyuns. we splained n the old farmers in the nayborhood splained n even mj tride splainin to him how that ifn ye dint top em off, they wood go to seed n woodnt make good onyuns. he sed he dint bleev it that he had intuwishuns bout how thangs wuz spozed to be n he wuz sartin he wuz rite. twuz a nuther reason to split the garden three ways the next year. we dint git no useful onyuns the furst year.

innywho, i spent the day trine to wurk off the feelins that wuz woke up by whut barbie had been a'readin us, but twuz hard. i hadnt never herd no gurl read such a thang, n she wuz makin it even better n twuz on a counta the way she wuz a doon it. by time i wuz dun in the garden n had et sum dinner frum it with mj n virg n barbie, n after we had drunk a lil ezra, a lot in virgils case, n smoked too much (even tho i called myself quittin), i crawled into the bed i had at the lil house n purty soon, in she cum. she wuz askin n i wuz sayin no. then she touched me down thar n sed she knew i wuz lyin. n rite then, the way she wuz a'lookin at me, i felt bad.

see, virgil n mj had em a dog name of arnold that they picked up sumwhar in californy. n this dog wuz a problem in sum ways. ifn ye touched him at all, n folks wood make that miss take ever time they met him fer the furst time, then he wood sit n look at whoever had dun it, a'starin em down till they mite pet him agin n make thangs wurse. purty soon theyd git to pushin him away, n tellin him shoo n git on outta here, n then they mite slap him on the hed till he yelped but dint matter nun, inny touch atall wood do. they mite even git to the point of kickin him, but arnold wood cum rite back.

n whut gut me as i looked at barbie in the low lite of a candle she had brought in wuz how she reminded me of arnold. n i felt rotten fer thankin bout her that way, n purty soon, she gut into bed n we dun whut she wonted. n i felt awful the nex day n ast her could she please never do that agin, n she agreed.

they finely finished fixin the house n brew n me gut settled in. twuz nicer than befor, only i had lost all my records ceptn a set of beethoven sympathies, n that changed how i herd musick on a counta i dint have nuthin else to listn to n turnt out i dint need nuthin more fer a long while. i been listnin to them ever since n i still find new thangs bout em to lack.

once the farm gut set again, i gut to be good friens with susannah at wurk n we talkt bout how hurtful her relayshunship with christopher martin wuz n how the wurse he treated her, the more she seemed lack she wonted to git him. n i tole her she could git bad treatmint innywhar, n she sed she dint thank i could give her bad treatmint. n i sed she jes dint know me.

n gut so she wuz friens with mj n the hole farm. n we wood go to see concerts together, witch the best'n wuz a concert by the earl scruggs review in gatlinburg. the musick wuz grate n when twuz over, i gut to meet him sorta on a counta ye could walk rite up to him to tell him how mazed ye wuz at his pickin. n whenever we gut back to the farm that nite, i sprized her when i give her my bed n sed i wood sleep out in the woods.

n thangs wood probly have gut as borin as normal but randy couldnt hold no job all that long.

as it happened, he ast virgil n me to cum up n see him n we dun it. twuz his lass nite on the job. me n virgil drove up, talkin bout his inventchuns n pi n whuther god wuz natchur n all that kinda thang we lacked to talk bout.

whenever we gut thar, we orderd sum food, but thar kitchen wuz 'in it,' as we used to say whenever i wuz a'wurkin at shoneys big boy restrunt, n that mint they had dun fell so far behind in cookin that they couldnt ketch up. tuck over a hour to git our food, n even then twuz only on a counta randy a'goin n gittin it fer us. n after we ate, he quit his job.

rite away randy wuz leadin me into temptayshun. thar wuz a tall blonde hedded gurl wurkin thar n i cant member her name, but he gut her to cum with us, n set her down side of me whenever we wuz back at his place, n purty soon we wuz a kissin on each other n she wonted to know wood i go home with her. n i tole her twernt that i wuznt attrackted, witch she could plainly tell on a counta her hands wuz romin, but i dint wonta sleep with nobidy till i wuz in luv. n that made her lack me better n give me her number n talk to me almos all nite long, but i never saw her agin.

so randy nex gut him a job at the back door pizza place over in oak ridge n then he gut to cumin round reglar agin. purty soon he tole us bout a new connectshun he had made in newport, n ima fixin to tell bout thatn direckly.

but the thang that stood out as a kinda purfeck eggzample of how thangs wuz happent whenever randy bought him a new car, a cherry red pontiac trans-am cumplete with killer stereo. but the bes wuz, it had a cb radio. we gut to whar we wood drive round town talkin on it. my handle wuz 'cottonmouth' n his wuz 'the rabid fox.' n corse, we wuz always hopin that we wood meet 'the one' sumwhars n that thar seemed lack the main thang we could use that radio fer.

so we drove round the area smokin theevil weed n talkin on that cb. n one nite in oak ridge we wuz a doin it n thar cum the sexiest voice we had ever dun herd before n her handle wuz 'wont to.' n she had a partner with her who also sounded rite nice n her handle wuz 'hootchy kootchy.' we chased round n chased round trine to figger out who they wuz. n we ast em bout thayselves n they woodnt say much ceptn one wuz black hedded n tuther wuz a strawbury blond.

tuck us daze to finely meet em. n i cant count the time n effurt we wasted till finely randy sed he wood do the deed with one or bof of em ifn they wood only agree to meet us. n i tride to tell him that wuz no way to meet a woman, but he sed he figgered ifn 'wont to' dint wont to n 'hootchy kootchy' wuznt good for no hootchy kootchy, then why did we care? 'sides that,' sed he, 'twuz a damn good chase to git thar.' he had him a good argumint n i couldnt beat it, speshly when them gurls agreed we could meet on the hill tween the turnpike n illinois avenue near whar the museum is.

they wuz drivin a hot car, n that made randy glad. fack is, twuz the same model he had ceptn blue.

twuz rite at dusk whar colors is fadin. they pulled over n we pulled in beside of em. n randy sed he wuz reddy on a counta it had dun been a long time. corse he also wuz wurried on a counta twuz a verr hot august evenin n he wuz sweatin 'lack a pig,' as he put it. but he wuz hopin they woodnt notice on a counta he wonted sum of that 'wont to.'

but whenever they cum out of the car, they wuz the fattest two folks we had ever met in life. twuz amazin they could see out thru the folds of fat round thar lil eyes, but they could see everbit as good as one of them shaggy dogs. n they wuz sweatin wurse'n we ever dun, with drops cumin rite offn thar noses n huge splotches under thar massive arms.

we talked to em fer a bit, n we tride to ack lack we wuz innerested, but they could see rite thru it n they wuz reddy fer rejeckshun on a counta they had dun larnt how to live with it overn over agin, n they tole us as much.

we apologized n far as i could tell, randy never felt wurse at hurtin sumbidys feelins than he dun then. n fer years, randy wood say, 'shoot the devil, bud. member the rondayvu with the fat chicks?'

n i wood say i did.

n he wood say, 'i wish thay wuz sum kinda way i coulda dun it with em. ifn ida been more of a man, twoodnt a mattered whuther they wuz fat.' the strange thang wuz, he really mint it.

twuz a seasun whar no matter whut ye wonted, turnt out to be sumthin that wuznt as good as ye wuz hopin, a time when ye could spend daze chasin the gurl ye see in yer mine when ye hear that wispy voice n then ketch her n fine taint nuthin but too much sweaty flesh.

10-4, good buddy.

pinions of buddy don -- book revu:
Big Lies: The Right Wing Propaganda Machine and How It Distorts the Truth
by Joe Conason

thays a book ye oughta cunsider readin ifn yer puzzled bout sum of the lies folks bleeves. it wuz writ by a guy name of Joe Conason, n ifn ye wonta try to keep up with whuts a'gone on, ye mite wonta git in the habit of readin his column ever wendsdy in The New York Observer. he n Gene Lyons wuz the ones writ The Hunting of the President: The Ten-Year Campaign to Destroy Bill and Hillary Clinton.

dont even try readin thatn ifn ye dont have a strong stumack. tiz awful to thank we wood let our cuntry git so far off corse. in amungst other thangs in that book is the innerestin observayshun bout how robert fiske, the furst independent prosecuter, had dun a report that showed purty much everthang charged in whitewater wuz unwurthy of prosecushun. n whenever the final report cum out frum robert ray, twuz the same thang.

seein whut wuz dun by the publicans to brang down a leckted president gut me to the point whar i dont thank i could ever vote fer a one of em. they dun showed they wood do innythang to win, whuther twuz fair or not. n i gut rite sick of the way they wonta attack our own cuntry n gummint ever chants they git. fer sum reason, they cant see how payin yer taxes is patriotick. runnin off to bermuda to pertend lack yer cumpny lives thar sos ye kin git out of payin yer fair share is rong n anti-murkin, but thay ack lack tiz rite up thar with thomas paine, witch it aint.

so i wuz eggcited to git a copy of conason's new book, n it dint disappoint. heres the lies he covers, givin each a chaptur of its own:

1. "Tax-cutting Republicans are friends of the common man, while liberals are snobbish elitists who despise the work ethic." (p. 13)
   
2. "Liberals control the media and misuse their influence to promote left-wing policies." (p. 29)
   
3. "Conservatives truly love America and support the armed forces, while liberals are unpatriotic draft dodgers." (p. 52)
   
4. "Republicans are strict accountants who balance budgets and promote economic growth, while Democrats are tax-and-spenders who bust budgets, stifle the economy, and distrust capitalism." (p. 64)
   
5. "Conservatives are the only reliable defenders of individual liberty, because liberals worhip political correctness and suppress freedom." (p. 89)
   
6. "Conservatives protect family values and moral virtue, while liberals promote immorality and vice." (p. 109)
   
7. "Conservatives believe in color-blind equality, while liberals cynically exploit the victimization of blacks and other minorities." (p. 128)
   
8. "Conservatives are the only true champions of free enterprise." (p. 146)
   
9. "George W. Bush is a compassionate conservative." (p. 171)
   
10. "Conservatives are tough on terrorism, while liberal Democrats are soft." (p. 190)

one of the handicaps folks writin frum the lef side of the spectrum is how they aint willin to bile everthang down to eethur/or thankin. they unnerstan that thangs is not so simple. so joe conason has to add mitt that bof sides have thar shortcummins, sumthin ye dont see frum them that rites fer the vast right wing lie machine. so ye wont git a cumplete whitewash of the demcrats.

but ye will find out bout lots of the lies bein tole. fer instunts, the publicans claim twuz clintons fault 9/11 happent, but the record shows how sandy berger n richard clarke tride to warn the bushes whut they wuz a'gone half to do: "Departing National Security Advisor Sandy Berger and the National Security Councils's counterterrorism chier, Richard Clarke, who was held over by Bush, gave Condoleezza Rice a series of urgent briefings on terrorism during the presidential transition in January 2001. "You're going to spend more time during your four years on terrorism generally and al-Qaida specifically than any issue," Berger told his successor. Clarke delivered similar emphatic briefings to Vice President Cheney and to Stephen Hadley, Rice's deputy. But the supposedly competent national security managers in the new administration, includein Rice, Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfedl, were too preovccupied with other matters (such as national missile defense) to pay heed to to the most serious threat since the end of the Cold War."

as ye mite member, the bushes wuz using the ABC method of gummint, witch that wuz Anythang But Clinton, so ifn clinton dun it, they woodnt.

or ye kin read bout how the publicans is always claimin tiz the tax n spend demcrats thats the problem, but ye never here bout the borrow n spend publicans. fack is, spendin has been rising much faster under bush than it did under clinton, period. n not all of it is frum terrorism. ye gut yer farm subsdy, fer instunts. n how do all them folks who hates payin taxes lack payin at least 11 cents out of ever tax dollar to pay intrest on the debt? that wuz the "vig" on the debt when bush tuck offus. now tiz higher even with low intrest rates. fer this year, federal gummint intrest paymints will be $161 billyun! ye could run a war in iraq fer a year or so with that money.

tiz plenty more in this here book, bout the war-mongerin chicken hawks who luvs to show how brave they are by sendin other folks to war but makin sure they git out of it (folks lack rush, tom delay, dubya, cheney, newt gingrich, trent lott, dennis hastert, dick armey, karl rove, phil gramm, john ashcroft, and dan quayle, fer eggzample).

n thar plenty bout the holier-than-thou folks who attacked clinton fer thangs they wuz doin thar ownself (newt gingrich, henry hyde, dan burton, bob livingston, jim bunn, jim nussle, jim longley, joe scarborough n jon & meredith christensen). amung the wurst of it is how they blamed the demcrats for the debased cultchur n society that perduced sumbidy lack susan smith, the woman who drowned two of her own kids. newt claimed thonly way to fix a society that perduced such folk wuz to vote publican. thang is, susan smith wuz step-daughter of a mr beverly russell, who wuz a member of the south carolina republican party's executive committee n a methodist n close to mr gingrich his ownself. turnt out mr beverly russell wuz also molestin his own step-daughter reglar frum the time she turnt 15 till she wuz 23. mr joe conason documints all this stuff n much more.

thars plenty more. we need to be informed ifn we're a'gone keep this here cuntry under cuntrol of the people. thays folks that know ifn they tell the same lie a nuff, folks will git to bleevin it, lack they do the lie bout iraq havin innythang to do with 9/11, witch a recent poll sez 69% of folks bleeves that. whut bout saudi arabia? theys doin bizness with them bushes, n fack is, bush made it a point to git all osama bin ladens kin out of the cuntry on airplanes when wuznt nobidy else allowed to fly. n they dint even half to talk to the fbi. i hope ye kin say the same in the long run.

n thang is, ye cant educate innybidy but yer ownself. n aint no time to waste.