wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 5:
a atheeist n a jeehovuhs witness

i woke next day jes as the sun wuz a cummin up n the site wuz wurthy. since thay aint no trees on them hills in the 'see me valley,' ye kin kindly see everythang n that makes it beeyootiful. seem lack the air wuz a bit on the brown side but whenever the sun refleckted off it, twuz a site to beehold. cum to fine out later that the brown air wuz callt smog n at times it cud make yer eyes burn, witch we dint have none of that back home.

ye kin likely magine how hungry i wuz whenever i woke up the next day. thursty too. i pact up my thangs n tuck my dump n cleart out the camp sos nobidy cud tell id been thar, sumthin my daddy wuz big on. 'leev a place as purty as ye found it,' hed say, n taint a bad rule. i dun whut i cud fer the place but fack is, twerent much of a place n as the lite cum up i cud see it had been used kindly fer whut we'd call a trash holler back home, witch i wuz thankin ifn it cum to it, thay wuz so much useful junk that i cud put together sum kind a better shelter ifn i cudnt figger no other way.

but furst thangs furst, n i had to have a drank of water n if possbul a bit to eat. still had my $2.20, so i figgered id be able to eat fer at least a day or two offn that. i toyed with the idee of leevin my duffl hid sum kinda way, but i figgerd i dint wanna loose everthang ifn sumbidy wuz to steel it so i slung it up on my sholder n started a'walkin round n lookin at the 'see me valley.'

i hadnt never seen such a place befor. twere laid out lack a jigsaw puzzl with all the houses lined up in purfeck rows n ever one with a little pink brick wall n tiny yard n right up on the naybors n a concreet path on the side of ever rode thay wuz. n ifn ye gut out from whar the homes wuz kept, ye'd fine yerself in orcherds of tree jes as purfekly lined up as them houses, only differnts bein sum of em wuz orange trees n sum of em wuz walnut n twernt a one of em wuz in season or thangs might cudda cum out differnt on a counta i cud probly live on the oranges n nuts n the rabits, witch seemt lack wuz the only wild thangs left besides birds.

but they warnt in season so i had to do sumthin bout gettin a drank of water. id been walkin a good spell, through them orcherds of house n them orcherds of trees n back into the houses agin when all of a sudden it cummenced a'rainin from the grass up. corse the water cudnt get too high for it fell agin. i hadnt never seen the lack of it. cum to fine out later that thay wuz callt spranklers n ifn ye dint have em ye wudnt have no grass ner flowers ner nothin growin in yer yard tall since twuz a desert.

soons that water cummenced to shootin out of the groun, i had to have sum, so i put my duffl down on the concreet path n studied up on how best to get it without gettin drincht. twuz a bit of a cunundrum. thay had that water trickt out so's twud rotate back n furth to cover all the grass or whutever twuz thay was temptin to grow. n whut a sound twuz makin: chee chee chee chee chee, chigga chigga chigga chigga chigga, chee chee chee chee chee, n so furth, twuz rite musikal. since twuz a gettin hot innyways, i figgerd whut cud it hurt ifn i gut wet, so i gut down near whar the water wuz a cummin out n whenever it gut back over to my side, i tried to git sum in my mouth, witch that dint wurk on accounta becawz twuz sprayin too hard. it did git me rite wet, so i figgerd id use my hat n catch the water, n when't cum back aroun, thats jes whut i dun.

id no sooner drunk my thurd hatfull when i hurd whut sounded lack a fite cummencin n befor i cud git up, here cum the lady of the hous jes a spittin mad n tuck me a minut or two to figger twuz me she wuz mad at.

'what do you think you're doing?' she hollerd at me. she wuz the kinda lady that gits all red in the face, kindly lack a person that lacks thar moonshine reglar, n the effurt it tuck to yell at me dun turnt the color up a notch. her har wuz black n she had brite blue eyes n red cheeks n even redder lips (turnt out she'd colord em up even tho twerent sundy) n a brite green straw hat n lil bitty orange shorts n whut lookt lack twuz a lady's brite blue bra but turnt out to be the top of whut thay calls a bathin suit, witch she wuz pracktickly undressd n lookt to be bout fifty or sixty year old! she wuz a'carryin a tool with three claws on it n tis a wunder she dint attack me with it the way she wuz a'cummin on.

i stood up n put my hat on n then tuck it back off n said, 'howdy, mam. i wuz jes gettin a drank n i do preciate it. i dint mean no harm by't. so ifn tis all the same, i'll thankee n git.' i wuz about to do jes that whenever she sed she cud call the pleece, witch she meant po-leece i cud tell. i polgized agin n ast ifn thar warnt sumthin i cud do to make up fer steelin the water. n i yesm'd n no mam'd her till seem lack she cudnt git nuff of hearin me a'sayn't n she cused me of having a acksent, witch wuz strange since she wuz the one that talkd funny. direckly she invited me in n fed me bacon n aigs n coffee n innerduced me to her husban, witch he wuz the furst atheeist id ever met n he had a bad back, witch that turnt out to be a bit of luck since thay wuz a passle of thangs needin doin roun thar place n nobidy to do em sides me.

time we wuz dun that sun wuz a settin n ifn its rise wuz specktackler its set wuz wurse. seem lack that smog stuff thay gut made it right purty till we wuz a watchin it n the missus, witch her name wuz anny deeanjullo, wuz a drankin sumthin callt squirt n vodka. thayd dun gut me to tell bout back home n whar i wuz a heddin, witch i dint know the answer to that. n seemt lack that squirt n vodka wuz a'wurkin bout as well as inny shine we'd ever made n she offert me sum but i declined to take inny since i wudnt allowd to drank hard likker. but thay wuz allowd n the more thay drunk, the better thay lackd me n the harder thay lafft at whut i tole em, n purt soon thay wudnt hear bout me sleepin outdoors agin.

anny ast me whuther i new the lord n i had t'admit i dint, n she tole me more thangs bout the bibl than i new thar wuz to know n how gods name wuz rilly jeehovuh n she wuz his witness, witch that mint she wuz spozed to take care of folk n minster to em, n seem lack she wanted to practiss up on me.

n thats how i cum to be livin with a atheeist n a jeehovuhs witness fer $10 a week incloodin vittles.