pinions of buddy don: the nintendo man

one of the thangs bout them video games is how ye generly play a role of sum kind, lack a lil italian name of super mario trine to save a princess or sumthin. them nintendo worls seem dangerus a counta how yer lil mario kin die ifn he duz sumthin too deadly, lack fall into a abyss. but the grate thang bout them games is how even after ye fail as much as ye kin by dyin, ye dont half to quit playin on a counta how ye git a new free life. ifn ye larn speshul codes, ye kin git almos unlimited lives.

mr bush has lived his life lack he wuz playin in a nintendo game. heres how he has dun used sum of his new free lives:

• he dint wonta go to vietnam, witch he wuz a big supporter of that war bein fought long as twuznt mr bush doin the fitin, witch he rote that he dint wonta go to canada or shoot out his ear drum, so he joined the texas nashnul guard, witch that wuz the first time he had to use one of his new free lives. most them other players in the vietnam game dint git no free life in the nashunul guard on a counta the nashunul guard wuz properly used to give folks of qualty n influence a safe place to do thar war duty.
• corse, that vietnam war game wuznt no fun even ifn ye did git a stateside assignment on a counta how they wonted ye to keep showin up n doin yer job n stayin sober n reddy to perteck the cuntry. that kinda thang kin git in the way of inny good partyin style n as he add mitts, whenever mr bush wuz young n foolish, he wuz young n foolish. so he needed a nuther new free life or two, witch he gut em, furst by gittin to go to alabam to hep one of his dadys friends run a palliticull camp pain n then sos he could try fer collidge.
• corse that collidge thang means ye half to qualify to git in, witch twuz a bit of a problem on a counta how mr bush had dun so poorly on his lsat that he couldnt git into the university of texas law skool. but he had him a nuther new free life a'cummin on a counta how his daddy could git im in to harvard.
• once he had dun finishd his mba, mr bush went off to play the bizness game. furst he tried his luck with a lil cumpny name of arbusto, witch is kindly a joke on his last name. that cumpny wuz a huge failure n lost millions of dollars but that dint matter to mr bush. lack super mario, he gut im a new free life.
• mayhap twuz time to try fer publick offus, so he run fer the house of representatives n lost. time fer a nuther new life.
• he dint half to wurry much bout whar he could git up the scratch to start sumthin new on a counta how he had so minny rich friends n thay all give him the money to buy them texas rangers. use of tax laws hepped make thatn a winner fer im so he turnt a lil borried money into the start of his fortchun. but he traded sammy sosa n them rangers dint do so well, so he cashed out fer a nuther new free life.
• twuz back to bizness, this time with harken energy. thar he musta figgerd out how to use one them speshul nintendo keystroke entries to give im the rite to ignore sum of the rules, lack the one splainin how ye caint sell stock when ye gut insider infermayshun or how ye gut to report yer stock sales rite after makin em, but he gut to wait fer about eight munths. them new free lives is amazin thangs!
• whut he needed wuz a easy job that he couldnt mess up much, witch guvner of texas wuz the spot. ye dint half to go in ever day n dint half to do much of nuthin, witch he had dun practissd thatn a lot. he led the way in makin shore them criminulls dint git no new free lives, even ifn they had dun cunverted to christchun, witch thay mus be a bible out thar that sez ye aint sposed to let god do the judgin n folks the fergivin, but ye dont half to wurry bout such thangs when yer a nintendo man. in 1995 he vetoed a patients bill of rights health care bill, witch it gut its own new free life frum sum dimcrats a nuff to git passd n becum law without his signatchur. but the nintendo man could even git a new free life fer that ackshun n have one of his camp pain ads claim that "While Washington was deadlocked, he passed a patients' bill of rights."
• nex new free life is a run fer president, witch even when he wuz outvoted on thatn, he still wuz able to pull a new free life out of the supreme court of nintendo hats n becum presdent.
• he failed to take the warnins frum the clinton dimcrats bout al qaida serious or even the reports frum his own intelligents on a counta how he wuz wurkin on that star wars plan in sted, witch thatns good fer bizness ifn yer a big weppons perducer. his failure to ack wuz at lease one of the thangs that led to 9/11, but no matter: frum that, the nintendo man could pull out his best ever new free life: war president. everbidy wuz moved by how he claimed he wuz a'gone git osama bin ladin dead or alive, how them terrsts could hide in thar caves n run whar they wood, but we wood hunt em down n brang em to justus fer whut thay dun. but thay wuz rite hard to catch n thay wuznt hardly nuthin to bomb over whar they wuz. so he gut im a new life as preemptive war presdent, invadin iraq.
• now the nice thang bout them video games is how ye dont half to pay tenchun to no reality since it aint allowed in. that must be how mr bush splains the worl to his self. them that aint playin his game mite be confused: he n mr allawi claims them insurgents is all forners, but them troops on the ground is playin in a differnt universe whar them insurgents is mostly iraqi. i reckon they dont git the part whar ye gut to suspend yer disbelief to play the game proper lack.
• n his lil nintendo worl, tiz progress n demockrussy in iraq. ifn ye aint in the nintendo worl, ye keep gittin confused by how we gut 'no-go zones' n cities that dont recognize the iraqi gummint n use thar own laws. n ye here bout how twood be hard to hold eleckshuns thar ifn twuz spozed to be one whar everbidy gits to vote. lack mr rumsfled sed, ye could git maybe 75% or 80% of em to vote as a proof of concep kinda thang. in the nintendo worl ye dont half to wurry bout borry n spend budget deficits nor 8% growth of gummint (twice the rate of growth under clinton) nor usin all the soshul securty surpluss to hep pay fer yer tax cuts n wars on a counta ye kin make folks go with fewer benefits or higher payments or mayhap bof. tiz a grate lil worl he lives in.

now hes a'pushin on the new free life button by runnin a eleckshun of slander, sophistry, outright lies n inuendo. he needs a new free life.

will we ast him to live in reality down in crawford, witch tiz jes whut he deesurves fer losin the game so cumpletely? or will we give him a nuther undeservd new free life?