life of buddy don, chaptur 5:
a atheeist n a jeehovuhs witness

i woke next day jes as the sun wuz a cummin up n the site wuz wurthy. since thay aint no trees on them hills in the 'see me valley,' ye kin kindly see everythang n that makes it beeyootiful. seem lack the air wuz a bit on the brown side but whenever the sun refleckted off it, twuz a site to beehold. cum to fine out later that the brown air wuz callt smog n at times it cud make yer eyes burn, witch we dint have none of that back home.

ye kin likely magine how hungry i wuz whenever i woke up the next day. thursty too. i pact up my thangs n tuck my dump n cleart out the camp sos nobidy cud tell id been thar, sumthin my daddy wuz big on. 'leev a place as purty as ye found it,' hed say, n taint a bad rule. i dun whut i cud fer the place but fack is, twerent much of a place n as the lite cum up i cud see it had been used kindly fer whut we'd call a trash holler back home, witch i wuz thankin ifn it cum to it, thay wuz so much useful junk that i cud put together sum kind a better shelter ifn i cudnt figger no other way.

but furst thangs furst, n i had to have a drank of water n if possbul a bit to eat. still had my $2.20, so i figgered id be able to eat fer at least a day or two offn that. i toyed with the idee of leevin my duffl hid sum kinda way, but i figgerd i dint wanna loose everthang ifn sumbidy wuz to steel it so i slung it up on my sholder n started a'walkin round n lookin at the 'see me valley.'

i hadnt never seen such a place befor. twere laid out lack a jigsaw puzzl with all the houses lined up in purfeck rows n ever one with a little pink brick wall n tiny yard n right up on the naybors n a concreet path on the side of ever rode thay wuz. n ifn ye gut out from whar the homes wuz kept, ye'd fine yerself in orcherds of tree jes as purfekly lined up as them houses, only differnts bein sum of em wuz orange trees n sum of em wuz walnut n twernt a one of em wuz in season or thangs might cudda cum out differnt on a counta i cud probly live on the oranges n nuts n the rabits, witch seemt lack wuz the only wild thangs left besides birds.

but they warnt in season so i had to do sumthin bout gettin a drank of water. id been walkin a good spell, through them orcherds of house n them orcherds of trees n back into the houses agin when all of a sudden it cummenced a'rainin from the grass up. corse the water cudnt get too high for it fell agin. i hadnt never seen the lack of it. cum to fine out later that thay wuz callt spranklers n ifn ye dint have em ye wudnt have no grass ner flowers ner nothin growin in yer yard tall since twuz a desert.

soons that water cummenced to shootin out of the groun, i had to have sum, so i put my duffl down on the concreet path n studied up on how best to get it without gettin drincht. twuz a bit of a cunundrum. thay had that water trickt out so's twud rotate back n furth to cover all the grass or whutever twuz thay was temptin to grow. n whut a sound twuz makin: chee chee chee chee chee, chigga chigga chigga chigga chigga, chee chee chee chee chee, n so furth, twuz rite musikal. since twuz a gettin hot innyways, i figgerd whut cud it hurt ifn i gut wet, so i gut down near whar the water wuz a cummin out n whenever it gut back over to my side, i tried to git sum in my mouth, witch that dint wurk on accounta becawz twuz sprayin too hard. it did git me rite wet, so i figgerd id use my hat n catch the water, n when't cum back aroun, thats jes whut i dun.

id no sooner drunk my thurd hatfull when i hurd whut sounded lack a fite cummencin n befor i cud git up, here cum the lady of the hous jes a spittin mad n tuck me a minut or two to figger twuz me she wuz mad at.

'what do you think you're doing?' she hollerd at me. she wuz the kinda lady that gits all red in the face, kindly lack a person that lacks thar moonshine reglar, n the effurt it tuck to yell at me dun turnt the color up a notch. her har wuz black n she had brite blue eyes n red cheeks n even redder lips (turnt out she'd colord em up even tho twerent sundy) n a brite green straw hat n lil bitty orange shorts n whut lookt lack twuz a lady's brite blue bra but turnt out to be the top of whut thay calls a bathin suit, witch she wuz pracktickly undressd n lookt to be bout fifty or sixty year old! she wuz a'carryin a tool with three claws on it n tis a wunder she dint attack me with it the way she wuz a'cummin on.

i stood up n put my hat on n then tuck it back off n said, 'howdy, mam. i wuz jes gettin a drank n i do preciate it. i dint mean no harm by't. so ifn tis all the same, i'll thankee n git.' i wuz about to do jes that whenever she sed she cud call the pleece, witch she meant po-leece i cud tell. i polgized agin n ast ifn thar warnt sumthin i cud do to make up fer steelin the water. n i yesm'd n no mam'd her till seem lack she cudnt git nuff of hearin me a'sayn't n she cused me of having a acksent, witch wuz strange since she wuz the one that talkd funny. direckly she invited me in n fed me bacon n aigs n coffee n innerduced me to her husban, witch he wuz the furst atheeist id ever met n he had a bad back, witch that turnt out to be a bit of luck since thay wuz a passle of thangs needin doin roun thar place n nobidy to do em sides me.

time we wuz dun that sun wuz a settin n ifn its rise wuz specktackler its set wuz wurse. seem lack that smog stuff thay gut made it right purty till we wuz a watchin it n the missus, witch her name wuz anny deeanjullo, wuz a drankin sumthin callt squirt n vodka. thayd dun gut me to tell bout back home n whar i wuz a heddin, witch i dint know the answer to that. n seemt lack that squirt n vodka wuz a'wurkin bout as well as inny shine we'd ever made n she offert me sum but i declined to take inny since i wudnt allowd to drank hard likker. but thay wuz allowd n the more thay drunk, the better thay lackd me n the harder thay lafft at whut i tole em, n purt soon thay wudnt hear bout me sleepin outdoors agin.

anny ast me whuther i new the lord n i had t'admit i dint, n she tole me more thangs bout the bibl than i new thar wuz to know n how gods name wuz rilly jeehovuh n she wuz his witness, witch that mint she wuz spozed to take care of folk n minster to em, n seem lack she wanted to practiss up on me.

n thats how i cum to be livin with a atheeist n a jeehovuhs witness fer $10 a week incloodin vittles.

2nd of 7 dedly sins: sloth (ye ought not laze aroun)

ahh, why bother? mayhap nuther time ill splain thisn.

life of buddy don, chaptur 4:
lil gurl in a pink dress

by time we got to the tanners homeplace, the sun dun cum up n twuz the next day so corse everbidy wuz awakin up n gettin dressd up fer church. i wuz bone tard n mr. joe bob tanner new it but manners is manners n i kindly had to say mornin to all the gurls n comment pone how thay dun growd up so n all, witch twuz lucky everbidy wuz innerduced since thay all dun changd up a site since whenever i last wint to church, witch that wuz two years ago. i caint recall all thar names to this day, but i remember two of em like twuz yesterdy.

furst'n wuz myra jane, witch she wuz neerly my age n weed been a'knowin each other since kids n i cud see she wuz still kindly sweet on me. whenever we sed mornin she give me a hug n seemt lack she helt it a bit long but i figgert dint meen much, witch i wuz rong as ye'll see direkly.

tuthern wuz shurl lin who wurnt morn 4 years ol. whenever she herd thay wuz cumpny, she cum a'runnin n wonted to hug my neck. i had to hole her off fer a secont tho i wuz genlmun bout it. whut dint nobidy else no wuz how the site of shurl lin made me shiver, as if twuz a ghost i wuz a'seein.

she wuz a'warin a pink dress with a par of paten lether shoos n white sox. her har wuz almos red n a lil brown n twuz dun up in ribns. n she wuz a'carryin a white bible. i cudnt keep frum askin cud she read that thar bible n she laft n sed, 'corse not, not yet, im only 4,' n i sed she'd do well to study't, witch wuz funny when i thank about it now but lil did i no whut i wuz a fixin to git my ownself into.

corse thay wuz runnin late so miz tanner tole me i cud sleep in myras bed n thayd be back by dark n i cud take a bath ifn i needed to, witch wuz a hint cawz im shure she cud smell whuther i needed to or not. so i tuck the hint n nearly dozed off in the bath tub n then i got out n wunderd whut shud i whar to bed but reckond i hadnt wore pee jays fer years n went nekkid.

but fer quite a spell i cudnt sleep, spite of how tard i wuz. i cudnt git sumthin out of my mine.

see, thirteen years before, when i wuz five i met my true love, witch that wuz my furst cuzin persilla. t'appened this away.

counta my daddy bein a speshul agent in the fbi we wuz livin up in bawstun whenever i wuz bout to be born, witch corse my mama cum home to tennessee to make sartin i wuz born in the rite state. she leff me behine fer a while n returnt to bawstun but purty soon my grandie tuck me up in the train, so we lived up thar fer a few years.

round chrismus time of the year i turnt 5 we wuz back home in tennessee n tendin the fambly chissmus at grandies. twuz my furst time at the fambly chrismus n i barly new innbidy. after dinner we all wint into the livin room n sang sum hims n then my cuzin persilla stood up n red frum the bible. sum kinda way i hadnt met her yet but whenever i lay eyes on her that furst time, twuz as if i dun been pokt by a arrow in my hart. she wuz 4 n she wuz dresst jus lack shurl lin.

dint seem fair she'd been tawt to reed before me, witch i cum to fine out she dun tawt her ownself tho i dint no it then. we playd in ant liza gails room after everbidy dun opend thar presents n we turnt out the lite n she ast me fer a kiss n i tole her she cud have it ifn she wud promise we wud git married when we wuz all growd up n she promisd n we kissd, witch twuz the furst time i ever felt that.

we playd whenever we wuz together until one day durin dinner at grandies persilla upn tole everbidy we wuz gone git mard n thay cummenced to fussin n fitin. purty soon i sed sumthin to make my daddy mad n i got whupd. n then she sed we wuz in love n caint nobidy stop us n that got her sent to bed without deessert. n whupt to, i bet.

so happent that her daddy n mama wuz a gettin a deevorse n one day thay wuz no persilla nor menshun of her nor her bruther neethur. i figgerd persilla n me, we dun cawzed tall n i new id be goin to hell whenever i died n twurried me sum.

n whenever she wuz furst gone, i thawt n thawt about her n wunderd how we wuz a'gonna git mard ifn we cudnt fine one nuther but after a while seem lack the memry faded. so ye kin magin the affeck whenver i saw shurl lin n how twuz a panefull minder to my hart bout whut it wuz hungry fer that it aint never had.

caint member falln asleep but i member dreemin i wuz a kissin persilla n she ast did i wanna play doctor n shud she get undressd n i put my hand down thar n seemd lack sumbidy spilt sumthin n then i woke up.

thar in the bed with me wuz myra jane, nekkid as a jay burd n trine a kiss me n askin did i wont a tuch it n fack is i did have a strong urge to do jes that n i probly wudda dun it ceptin one thang, witch that wuz the memry of persilla. wuznt i in love n ifn i wuz shud i be wantin to tuch it?

i tride to get up but she helt on so i ast her to let me go n she sed, 'shee!' n 'be quite!' n i sed, 'turn roun n lemme up,' cawz i still dint have inny pee jays on. n thin myra jane tuck aholt of me down thar n that made me holler out loud.

that brought mr. joe bob tanner a runnin n he turnt on the lite n i reckon whut he saw lookt wurs'n twuz but i cudnt blame him a bit fer throwin me out, witch thats jes whut he dun.

so i tuck my duffl n went lookin fer a place to camp fer the nite n i larnt rite away that californy aint lack reel places with trees n mountins. fack is the hills is nekkid dust n brown grass n wharever the tanners homeplace wuz thay wuz nothin but lil houses n pink brick walls fars the eye cud see.

my daddy dun tawt me to take direckshuns frum the sun so i did n cided id hed west till i cum to a place to camp.

i walkt till after dark n foun a place lookt lack thay oncet wuz a river thar but by then twuz only sand. i clart me a spot n set up my camp. i wuz sprized whenever the moon cum up at how cold it got so i bilt me a lil far.

i partly wonted to wurry over how thangs wuz hedded in a bad diereckshun, n thay wuz but all i cud thank bout wuz a lil gurl in a pink dress.

whar cud she be?

life of buddy don, chaptur 3:
tis better lucky than good

lookin back, i kin see how the sitchuwayshun wuz grim, but at the time, i wuz still a'thankin i cud do innythang. fack is, oncet my hart settled down, i got to countin my blessins, witch that wuz sumthin my mama tawt me to do. 'whenever yer down, ye need to count yer blessins.' she'd also say, when thangs lookt impossble, 'god wont put more on ye than ye kin carry.'

so i tuck to makin a list of blessins, startin with bein alive: 1 - bein alive. 2 - breethin thru both nostrils. 3 - dint git stabbed. 4 - dint starv.  5 - aint had a bath in three daze but my face n hands is cleen. 6 - got $2.20 ($8.35 from claude minus 95 cent fer cat's cradle minus 35 cent fer the black ladys bill minus $1.25 fer the 2 chili dawg with frys n rc cola speshul minus 95 cent fer stranger in a strange land minus 50 cent fer the coffee n donut speshul n amarillo minus 10 cent fer albukerkee jurnl minus 85 cent fer the brakfus speshul in holbrook airazona minus 95 cent fer do androids dream of electric sheep?).  7 - beerds cumin in black n thick. 8 - had a good meal in needles bought n blesst by a christchun revernd name of ben, witch he wuz a christchun but he wuz afraid to ride in a airplane. 9 - had a good dump in barsto. fack is, ye might cud say, thangs wuz grate.

but then some kinda way, i fell sleep n next thang ye no its this big ole po-leecemun a'tellin me 'move on' n 'you can't sleep here.' in ackshul fack, i cud sleep thar n i wuz a proovin it by doin it, but he mint i wudnt be a loud to sleep thar.

so tard tho i wuz, i got up n stretcht n sat back down till he tole me that thay wuz no loitern loud inside the bus stayshun. ye kin probly magine i dint wont to go back outside after whut had dun happent to me, so i got up n started moovin jes as slow as i cud n wunderin shood i git my nife out or wud thay allow such thangs n figgert probly not.

twuz a temptayshun then to start countin my justafide greevances. in sted, i memberd sumthin else my mama used to say, witch wuz 'ye kin look fer the good in folks, n ye kin look fer the bad, n whutever ye look fer, yer gone fine, so look out fer the good n mayhap ye wont have time to fine the bad.' that one lil bit of add vice has dun stood the test of time, as my daddy wud say bout innythang that wuz old n still any count. so i lookt fer sum good in that thar po-leecemun n figgered thay wuz noted fer givin direckshuns so i askt him did he no whar a man cud get a place to sleep fer $2.2o or less, witch i musta hit his bad side sumway since he commenced a'laffin n sayin thangs bout ignernt hillbilly n walkin away.

long bout then, i larnt whut my daddy had been a'tellin me overn over agin my hole life long even tho it seemt lack i cudnt git whut it mint, witch wuz he wud say 'tis better lucky than good.' he natcherly sed it a lot whenever tennessee wuz a'playin ginst alabama on the radeeo n the rong teem wuz a winnin, n i never cud git whut he wuz sayin since lack it er not alabama wuz jes genrally bettern tennessee in them daze (thangs has improovd).

how i finely larnt whut he mint happnt this away. i wuz a fixin to hed back out into the dark n bathless folk (i had my nife reddy to pull jes in case) n whut, or that is, who did i see but mr. joe bob tanner frum back home, witch he wuz a member of the same church we wuz, n whenever he spotted me he hollerd out, 'that yew buddy don?' n i tole him 'yessir, tis i' n he commenced to askin bout folk frum back home n how thay wuz n whuther tennessee had much of a teem this year. i noo most of the antsers n that led to talkin bout why we wuz both thar, witch turnt out he'd moved to californy his own self long with his wife n seven dawters a lookin fer wurk n a better life n tho he had lots of thangs, seemt kindly lack he wuz still homesick fer the hills whar truth is thay aint much of innythang but cole n mud n hard livin.

bein a christchun man he dint press too hard to no why i wuz thar, witch twuz probly obvius that id dun run away. he figgered sum kinda way that i wuz hungry n wonted a bath n wonted to sleep in a bed so he tuck me home n stopt along the way to by me a stake dinner with all the trimmins includin a bakt tater with sour creem, witch twuz the furst time i ever had that. then he drove me to his home in a place thay calls 'see me valley' n on the way i hurd myself a'sayin i shure wuz lucky ye cum along whenever ye did' n i splaint bout the sitchuwayshun round that thar lost angels bus stayshun with the bathless folk n all.

he lafft in a nice way n we talkt bout how god wont overload ye n all, but even so, i repeeted whut id sed bout bein lucky he cum along.

he grinnt n sed, soundin jes lack my daddy, 'tis better lucky than good.'

finely, then, i got whut it mint.

life of buddy don, chaptur 2:
runnin away

whenever i run way from home n went to californy, i wuz a'doin sumthin i'd dun overn over agin befor i finely made it, witch is runnin away. i kin barly member the furst time i tried it since i wuz only two yars old when i dun it. twuz a fambly legend by time i hurd id dun it n everbidy seem lack they admird it so the wunder wuz why thay gut so upset when i cuntinued to try it.

the way they tell it, i stole a naybors trike n made it to paved rode n got spotted purty quick by folks a drivin by n one of em wuz the county n thay pickt me up n tuck me back home whar mama made a fuss n cried n thankt the county fer bein so good at findin me. my dad give a bushl of taters to eddie byrge, witch wuz the name of the county sherrf who pickt me up. folks callt me tater fer a long wile after that n my bruthers n sisters'd pick on me actin lack i warnt wurth much moren a bushl of taters, n fack is, mos of us aint even wurth that much, so i tuck it lack twuz a complimint.

the habit of runnin away dint stop, tho, n tuck me yars to get a reeson why. everday id leev out n find sumplace in the holler to hide or sum other kids to play danl boon or whutever we dun to have fun back then. we had hidin places n such, but thay warnt no way to hide frum my daddy who cud track anythang, so no matter whar id dun gone to hide, purty soon (genrly before dark), here he cum, belt dubled back n reddy to use on me. i will say this in his defents, witch is no matter how mad i made him, he never once hit me with the buckl n only twicet with his fist, n both times, i wuz more or less a'beggin fer it.

he tole me he wuz a gone stop me frum a'runnin away, n i guess my backside gut so tender than i finely give it up, altho that might not be it neether since i gut to reedin books roun then n seemt lack that tuck care of the urge to get away to sumthin. he wuz proud of me, or at leest of gettin me tamed, n i remember to this day the shame i felt whenever he wuz a strokin my haid n a'tellin the hole fambly one christmus bout how id quit a'runnin away.

twarnt ever that i wuz a thankin so much about gittin away as much as twuz wantin to see thangs n meet other folk, n whar we wuz a'livin thay werent inny folk nearby. so i always kindly thought i wuz lookin fer sumbidy to play with. i bleevd that fer mos of my yars till i run into a head-shranker who set me strate. ye gone hear more bout how i cum to need my head shrunk by n by, but fer now, suffice't to say, he askt me one of them questchuns that changes everythang. sed he, 'Where do you think a two-year old child could be running away to?" i dint have the answer, so he laborated this away, 'The fact is, two year old children are clingy and they have no concept of the world.' i still dint have no ansers, so he sed, 'The point is, Buddy, that you were running away from something, not running to something,' n whut cud that be?

my daddy wuz a good man but a hard'n. he wuz a u.s. marine raider in the secund worl war a figthin in the pacific n whenever he cum out he got a degree of sum kind n becum a spechul agent with the fbi n cummenced a having kids startin with me. day i wuz born, he broke out in shangles n had em fer a year, right up to my furst birthday. i reckon thats on a counta becawz whenever i wuz born, he knew he wuz stuck with a wife n kids n cudnt go after sum of his plans n so furth. he bleevd in displine n never spard the rod, as thay say, n i tasted it mos of all bein the oldest. i figgerd twuz part of life.

n whenever i foun myself at that bus stayshun in lost angels n dint no whut to do, i figgerd twuz as norml as bein hit by yer own daddy. twuz a scary lookin place whar peepl a'needin baths was a sleepin or hangin round n mos of em not even able to speek english, but i warnt nuthin if not stoopid brave bout thangs so i started a'walkin. dint make if fur befor sum guy pullt a knife on me n tried to take my duffl, witch he ended up a'stabbin the duffl whenever he mint to stab me n that give me a chants to kick him tween his laigs, n while he wuz dubled up, i wint back to the stayshun whar thay wuz plenty of folks. i hadnt bin scairt whenever the guy wuz attackin, but soon's i wuz back in the lite n in a safe place, seem lack my hart wonted to jump out frum my chess.

i walkt back to the door to that lost angels bus stayshun agin n lookt out n saw that i wudnt in a place i oughta be. fer a mint or so, i begun spectin that i wuznt runnin to sumthin but away frum it. n i wuz right fer a mint, but i gut distractid by havin to figger out whut to do.

it tuck me yars n a hed shranker to git me to member i wuz still a'runnin away.

life of buddy don, chaptur 1:
leevin home

whenever i had jes turnt 18 i figgered twuz time to be leevin home on a counta i had to proov to my daddy that i cud live my own life. tiz one of the oldest reasons in the worl to leev out, n twuz a nuff fer me. heres howt happened.

twuz a cold day in january n i had to go to skool. i knew i wuz a'gonna be leevin that day, but i clumb up on the skool bus with my bruthers n sisters as if i twere any other day. i wuz a seenyer by then n didnt thank twuz cool to hang round with my siblings so twuz easy to pertend like i wuz gone to skool n then skip out. the walk home wuz long n i wuz scairt of bein caught inny mint, but a corse, nobidy wuz pain much tenchun to me. tuck me bout an hour of walking in the rain to git home, whar i tuck a nuther shower n got dresst n tuck my daddys duffle bag n filled it with cloze n books n a box of moon pies. dint leev no note nor nuthin.

the bus stop wuz a fur piece n the rain woodnt stop. twuz cold a nuff that the rain wuz makin ice, so i wuz trine to hitch a ride. thay was a blue car cum by n slowd down, but on it went. i walked n thumbed n purty soon, here cum the same blue car agin, slowd down, drove on. i wuz a'thankin twuz somebidy who knew my daddy or mama n felt sartin i wuz bout to be caught, speshly when the same blue car cum round agin. this time it stopped n the driver sed to git in.

i put the duffle in the back seat n got in the frunt. the driver tole me he wuz a revernd down to the suthern baptist church n he kindly knew whar i wuz a'goin n even tho he musta thought i wuz a'doin the wrong thang, he tuck me to the grayhoun stayshun. he tried to talk sum sense into me, but that had dun been tried n failt. so he give me sum bible trax bout how i wuz the caboose of the train o'life n how i needed jesus fer cunducter or else the train wood git lost. i tuck em n thankt him fer the ride n got out to buy my bus ticket.

by that time in life, i'd saved up $73, so ye kin magine how it hurt to fine out the ticket cost $72.20, leevin me 80 cent to git to californy, which is whar i thunk i oughta be, a followin in the footprints of other famous hillbillies frum tennessee. corse, i wuznt bound fer no beverly hills, not with 80 cent n a box of moon pies to my name. so i give my duffle bag to the bus driver, who stowed it in the baggage bin underneath the bus, n clumb abord fer a 61-hour ride. i stowed the bibl trax in the pouch of a seat next to mine thankin maybe sum one else cud use em bettern me.

we left bout 11 o'clock in the mornin. by 6 pm we wuz in nashvull n i wuz hungriern id ever bin. taint that i never went hungry on a counta i wuznt the eaziest kid to raze, n aint as ifn our fambly wuznt poor a nuff to feel hard times, but no matter how bad thangs got, we could always eat taters n beans, witch my daddy cud grow bout anythang, speshly taters n beans, so we'd never missed more'n a meal fer miss behavin. so i et one of my moon pies. ifn ye ever had one, ye know tiz sweet n sticky n all, witch the main thang it dun wuz turn my stumick sour n make me wisht i had sum reel food.

we made it to texarkana by next mornin. by then id made friens with sum of them other folk on the bus, n one guy who seemt a wee dab too frienly bought me a cup of coffee. twuz the furst id ever had n i wuz so grateful i dint think to ask fer anythang innit. been a'drankin my coffee black ever since. called my mama with my 80 cent n she cried n wunderd why n all that, but twuz the way the worl wurks n she knew it deep down inside so she never yellt nor said inny discourgin wurds tho she did wunder wuther id stole the moon pies, witch funny thang wuz, i wuz tempted to lie bout it but i cum cleen n had to listn to how that mint my bruthers n sisters'd have to do without n bout then my money run out so the conversayshun ended without us a'sayin good bye n all or even i luv you.

spite of the intrest of the one fella that bought me coffee, i jes kep gittin hongrier and hongrier till we pickt up a fella name of jimmy smith in paris texas.

'ye kin call me claude' he tole me whenever he settled in to the seat next to mine. he wuz dressd up lack a army man n turnt out he wuz on his way to veet nam. we rode a while makin the kine of conversayshun ye make with sum one ye dont know n wont see agin till he finely said he wuz so hungry he cud eat a horse. i figgerd he cud use a moon pie so i give him one. he ate it in about a bite n he could see thay wuz more in the box, so i give him a nuthern n tried to keep up even tho my stumick was a'gettin more'n more sour by the bite n long story short, we et up all'm moon pies before we got to dallas.

i wuz feelin sick n wishin i hadnt et all my food n wunderin if i wuz gone loose it by upchuckin, but i hung on. meanwhile, jimmy -- call me claude -- fished out them trax n started a'goin on bout how portant jesus wuz n how messed up the cuntry wuz n how thays women out thar whos on drugs n such lack n ye caint truss em n how he wuz betrayed by one n he wuz a'gettin lowder n lowder till i tuck the trax n ast him did he have jesus fer a cunducter his ownself n he lafft n sed 'how could a train go anywhar but whar the trax went?' n then he was on to unions n how ye dint really need all em wurkers on the train innyways. caint say i wuz keepin up with the finer points of his talk but i let him carry on till he wuz tard n fell asleep.

we got to dallas finely whar thay was a layover for bout three hours so i got off n went a walkin roun till i foun a bookstore whar i lookt thru a few books a hopin to distrack myself frum how hungry i wuz. i member lack twuz yesterdy i wuz lookin at cats' cradle by kurt vonnegut n suddenly, thar wuz claude a holdin out his last $8.35, witch he give me sayin he woodnt need it whar he wuz a'goin n he wuz thankful fer them moon pies i give him n while i wuz a'sayin but, but, but, he walked into a crowd n dispeared ferever.

furst thang, i bought the book. then i went outside to look fer sum food.

twuz a part of town whar everbidy was a negro (later thayd a bin black n even later thayd a bin african amurkin but this wuz 1970). i hadnt ever seen so many folks that wuznt white folks befor but seemed lack thay wuz folks n right away i foun a place that wuz sellin chili dogs n french fried taters so i went in n everbidy was a'lookin at me but i wuz too hungry to care. went up to ast fer a chili dog but thar wuz a fuss n fight a'goin on tween a woman n the manjer bout she couldnt pay all her bill n i wuz so hungry i ast how much did she lack n whenever thay said twuz 35 cent, i paid it n made my order n ate. the lady lef after thankin me till i was embarrsed.

i felt rich the res of the trip. dint go hungry agin. n after 61 hours, the bus let us out in the lost angels bus stop at 3 in the mornin. i dint know it then, but twernt a place to be a'walkin n luggin roun a duffle bag. n i dint know how yung i wuz till i had a 18 year old boy of my own. i dint have no money. dint know whar to go. dint know how much danger thay wuz in the worl. but i wuz glad to be innit finely.

scary reedin

thays this book by kevin philips called Wealth and Democracy that ye might oughta skip ifn yer eezy to scare. on tuther handm tis loded with facks n pinions n argumints bout how these hyar united states dun went from a gummint of, by n for the peepl to bein a gummint of, by n for the rich. thay calls that a plutocracy

n thats jes part of the pitcher. whuts scarier than thats the histry he studies up on n the conclushuns he draws. furst, he numerates the three grate worl economies that cum befor ourn, witch thay was them spaniards, them dutch, n them english, n how all of em made the same miss takes that led to them loosin thar place as the grate worl economies. n wurse is how our cuntrys a doin the same thangs:

1. change from perduckshun to fine ants
   
2. becum debtor nayshun, witch ifn ye scrol down ye kin see we becum a debtor nayshun in 1985 fer the furst time since 1914 
   
3. invest muny overseas fer cheep labor
   
4. git stuck in a long war or series of wars

corse, not everbidy bleevs itll cum out bad: sum folks is optimystic bout the way thangs is agoin.

do not reed this book ifn ye lack a'thankin thangs is great!

lessuns lurnt

seem lack this hyar presdint of ourn is teechin us new thangs ever day such as how ye kin use the lang wage to redo yer points. i'm trine to keep up with all the latest brake thrus in how to use wurds. heres sum lessuns ye kin study. fer instints, we kin be thankfull that the man who lives in our presdenchul palace the whitehowse is brangin noo techneeks in lang wage usage to amurka such as the big lie: thisn's when ye tell the same lie overn overn over agin till folks bleeves tis true:

1. bush claimt that lanks tween saddam whos-insane n al qaeda went back ten yars n wuz still agoin on n nobidy blinkt: "And this Congress and the American people must recognize another threat. Evidence from intelligence sources, secret communications and statements by people now in custody reveal that Saddam Hussein aids and protects terrorists, including members of al-Queda. Secretly, and without fingerprints, he could provide one of his hidden weapons to terrorists or help them develop their own."
   
   
   
   1. but then thars this hyar: "The National Intelligence Estimate said the bomb-making training hadn't been confirmed, and that Saddam Hussein giving biological or chemical weapons to terrorist groups would be an extreme step, used only if the Iraqi leader could not stop the U.S. from invading Iraq, the Post said. The intelligence estimate, of which only 28 pages have been distributed to Congressional leaders, also claimed that contacts between Iraq and Osama Bin Laden, the al-Qaeda leader, occurred in Sudan in the early 1990s, when the terrorist group was in its infancy, the Post said."
      
   2. n this: "The debunking of the Bush administration's pre-war certainties on Iraq gathered pace on Monday when it emerged that the CIA knew for months that a connection between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda was highly unlikely."
      
   3. n this: "Two high-ranking al-Qaeda suspects currently in US custody have told CIA interrogators the terror network did not work with the government of Saddam Hussein, the New York Times reported on Monday.  Top al-Qaeda planner and recruiter Abu Zubaydah, captured in March 2002, told the CIA that Osama bin Laden rejected proposals of working with Saddam Hussein because he did not want to be beholden to him, the Times said."
   
   
2. bush claimt saddam whos-insane wuz fixin to use weppons of mass deestruckshun: "For President Bush, the problem centers on the furor over whether he misled the nation and the world by asserting that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction and was linked to Osama bin Laden's al-Qaida terrorist network. Since the twin allegations were primary premises for going to war against Saddam Hussein's regime, pressure has been building on the White House to prove its claims." so how to splain whar them weppons is?:
   
   
   
   1. thars this tale: "PRESIDENT Bush has explained the riddle of Iraq's missing weapons of mass destruction by claiming they were looted."
      
   2. n ye kin splain't thisaway: "Facing growing criticism about the picture he painted of Saddam Hussein's arsenal, Bush on Monday subtly lowered expectations of what U.S. forces would find in Iraq.  In response to questions from reporters, the president drew a distinction between finding weapons and turning up proof that Iraq once had a program to produce them."
      
   3. corse, ye got to keep thisn hid: "The United States and Britain sold Saddam Hussein the technology and materials Iraq needed to develop nuclear, chemical and biological weapons of mass destruction.  Reports by the US Senate's committee on banking, housing and urban affairs -- which oversees American exports policy -- reveal that the US, under the successive administrations of Ronald Reagan and George Bush Snr, sold materials including anthrax, VX nerve gas, West Nile fever germs and botulism to Iraq right up until March 1992, as well as germs similar to tuberculosis and pneumonia. Other bacteria sold included brucella melitensis, which damages major organs, and clostridium perfringens, which causes gas gangrene."
   
   
3. n the gratest of em all so far is ritin a noo meenin to "revishunist":
   
   
   
   1. hyears 1: "As a revisionist historian, I believe the president misunderstands what the term "revisionist history" really means. He has spoken out about Holocaust revisionism in the past, a very evil form of revisionist history that denies there ever was a Holocaust, and perhaps that is his sole contact with the phrase. He seems to think revisionist history is generically bad. But there are good forms as well. All revisionist history entails is a new interpretation of some period or topic in the past based on a changed environment and maybe the collection of new information. For example, certain French revisionist historians in the 1980s began challenging the traditional view of the French Revolution as a heroic struggle for liberty, fraternity, equality, and instead interpreted it as the harbinger of modern totalitarianisms."
      
   2. hyars nuthern: "Seven weeks later and with no vile vials in hand, Bush gave a speech last Monday in Elizabeth, N.J., where he did not make a single reference to weapons of mass destruction. Instead, Bush chose to distract Americans from his Nixonian erasing of his justification for war by criticizing his critics as "revisionist historians."
      
   3. n twurks ifn ye have one a yer minyuns claimin it, condoleez rice frinstints.

corse thays uther lies that kin be tole!

1. call yer bill to make teezy fer pluters to keep plutin "clear skies"
   
2. call yer bill to make teezy fer lumber cumpnies to cut out the big trees thays awantin by a noo name that makes timpossbul to tell whut ye reely meen: "healthy forests"
   
3. cut out inny parts of yer own report that dont agree with whut yeev dun decided ye bleev no matter whut the evdints sez: "The White House directed a major rewrite of an assessment of climate change, removing references to health and environmental risks posed by rising global temperatures, according to internal draft documents made public Thursday."

now i no thays folks that dont reckunize the acheevmint here: wurds is strongern realty

thars yer story, josephine

reedin common taters n noos paypers

a bad habit of mine is reedin common taters n noospapers on a counta becawz it jes gits me riled up over thangs i caint hardly affeck. take em stories bout them weppons of mass deestruckshun thays a'huntin fer over n i raq.

[thay tole us thay dun found em]

Bush: 'We Found' Banned Weapons
President Cites Trailers in Iraq as Proof

By Mike Allen
Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, May 31, 2003; Page A01

KRAKOW, Poland, May 30 -- President Bush, citing two trailers that U.S. intelligence agencies have said were probably used as mobile biological weapons labs, said U.S. forces in Iraq have "found the weapons of mass destruction" that were the United States' primary justification for going to war.

In remarks to Polish television at a time of mounting criticism at home and abroad that the more than two-month-old weapons hunt is turning up nothing, Bush said that claims of failure were "wrong."

[then twas this]

Blow to Blair over 'mobile labs'

Saddam's trucks were for balloons, not germs

Peter Beaumont and Antony Barnett
Sunday June 8, 2003
The Observer

Tony Blair faces a fresh crisis over Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction, as evidence emerges that two vehicles that he has repeatedly claimed to be Iraqi mobile biological warfare production units are nothing of the sort.

[then this (frum a publican, no less)]

The Bush Doctrine At Risk

By George F. Will

Sunday, June 22, 2003; Page B07

An antidote for grand imperial ambitions is a taste of imperial success. Swift victory in Iraq may have whetted the appetite of some Americans for further military exercises in regime change, but more than seven weeks after the president said, "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended," combat operations, minor but lethal, continue.

And overshadowing the military achievement is the failure -- so far -- to find, or explain the absence of, weapons of mass destruction that were the necessary and sufficient justification for preemptive war. The doctrine of preemption -- the core of the president's foreign policy -- is in jeopardy.

[then this shockr]

June 16, 2003

WMD Found In Iraq

Weapons of mass destruction were quietly found in Iraq earlier this month. For reasons that will be revealed in this column, the Bush Administration has been reluctant to promote the discovery of a very large number of offensive missiles. The find was reported in the “Periscopeâ€� section of the June 9th, 2003 issue of Newsweek in a short article titled, “Return to Sender.â€�  ... 

... The most shocking element in the WMD missile story is the country of origin for the missile hoard. Bush Republicans stirring up hatred for our French and German allies for opposing the Iraq Invasion predicted that those Countries would be found to be suppliers to Saddam’s WMD programs. Neither sold the missiles nor did China or Russia. They were sold to Saddam by the United States of America during the Reagan-Bush Administration!

[then this is downrite scarey]

June 21, 2003

Bush Says Iraqi Weapons Sites Were Looted

By REUTERS

Filed at 10:12 a.m. ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush, trying again to explain the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, said on Saturday that suspected arms sites had been looted in the waning days of Saddam Hussein's rule.

``For more than a decade, Saddam Hussein went to great lengths to hide his weapons from the world. And in the regime's final days, documents and suspected weapons sites were looted and burned,'' Bush said in his weekly radio address.

It is believed to be the first time Bush has cited looting to explain the inability of U.S. forces to uncover chemical or biological weapons in Iraq, a U.S. official said.

[kin this be whut tall bolls down to?]

June 16, 2003 issue
Copyright © 2003 The American Conservative

Is the Neoconservative Moment Over?

by Pat Buchanan

The salad days of the neoconservatives, which began with the president’s Axis-of-Evil address in January 2002 and lasted until the fall of Baghdad may be coming to an end. Indeed, it is likely the neoconservatives will never again enjoy the celebrity and cachet in which they reveled in their romp to war on Iraq.

'''

Therefore, for the foreseeable future, the glory days—of Special Forces galloping on horseback in the Afghan hills, of Abrams tanks dashing like Custer’s cavalry across the Iraqi desert, of statues of Saddam toppling into the streets of Baghdad, and presidents landing on carrier flight decks in fighter-pilot garb —are over, behind us, gone.  

And ahead? Like all empires, once they cease to expand, they go over onto the defensive. Like the Brits before us, we must now secure, consolidate, protect, manage, and rule what we have in the tedious aftermath of our imperial wars. And as we have seen in the terror attacks in Casablanca and Riyadh, al-Qaeda and its allies, not Tommy Franks, now decide the time and place of attack in the War on Terror.

With 25 U.S. soldiers dead and counting since Baghdad fell, what the empire now entails is a steady stream of caskets coming home from Afghanistan and Iraq and tens of billions of American tax dollars going the other way to pay the cost of reconstruction of countries we have defeated and occupied.

[corse thays still this to con sidder]

There's gold in them there Iraqi hills

By Molly Ivins
Creators Syndicate

6/22/2003

My, my, my, the great Iraqi Gold Rush is on, and who should be there at the front of the line, right along with Halliburton and Bechtel, but our old friends at WorldCom -- perpetrator of the largest accounting fraud in American history.

WorldCom, shortly to become MCI, has been given a contract worth $45 million in the short term to build a wireless phone network in Iraq. I learned via The Associated Press that Washington Technology, a trade newspaper that follows computing-related sales to the U.S. government, "found WorldCom jumped to eighth among all federal technology contractors in 2002, with $772 million in government sales."

[n ye mussnt fergit this]

The War Is Not Over

[from the July 7, 2003 issue of The Nation]

George W. Bush recently told a group of GOP backers that those who question his prewar claims about the Iraqi threat are "revisionist historians." But by insisting that his Administration told the truth about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, Bush becomes the revisionist.

are ye cunfused yet?

1st of 7 dedly sins: pride (ye ought not woof)

i speck everbidy knows whut it means to woof but in case ye mist it i cud defin't fer ye. woofin is a form a braggin bout whut ye gone do or even worse whut yer teams a'gone do n acktin lack tis a dun deal a'fore the game is playd. the mos tragickal egzample i no of is whenever them vols was a loosin to ^g ^g ^g alabama ^c ^c ^c crimson ^g ^g ^g tide eleven years runnin n ever year after they'd lose they'd be a'sayin, ye jes wait til next year n we'll show ye. meanwhile, ^b ^b ^b bar ^b ^b ^b brine wud be a'claimin thangs, lack, we aint got much this year n we'll probly get hurt gainst tennessee n sich lack. meanwhal he's fixin' to whup us 'gain. i thank ye get whut im trine say: ye dont go spoutin bout next year n all, n ifn yer a vols fan, ye know we have truble with this consept since we always thanks we ought win tall ever year.

woofin goes back till least the anshunt greeks who called it hubris (i thank thats howts spelt), witch it sorta mint pride n sorta mint braggin bout whut ye wuz a gone do a'fore ye dunt. fer egzample, ifn ye wuz to claim ye cud figger out whuts cawzin the core rupshun in yer city n claim even god cudnt stop ye n ye keep on till ye fine out, n thin ye cummence a findin out awful thangs lack ye were th cawz of the core rupshin yer ownself on account twas yer own daddy ye kilt tho ye dint no it whenever ye dunt n then ye dun mard yer own mama. (case ye mist it, that thars the quik vershun of eddy pus wrecks)

thay claims thays woof gods that keeps tabs on the woofin that folks duz n them same gods meets out punshmint. fer egzample, n i hate to haf to admit thisn, last yar whenever tennessee was a'plane ^f ^f florda, i foun myself a'woofin in my hart bout how the game was a'gettin on cawz seem lack fer the furst quorter or so we wuz domnatin em, n i myownself got so egcited bout how we wuz a'gone win that i pult out my mandlin n start playin a pre emptyve vershun of rocky top. them gods dint have no mercy on me or the vol fateful everwhar cuz as ye all no to my grate shame, thar follerd the wurs five mints of footbawl ever playd by inny team innywhar at innytam cumplete with fumbls n penlties n stoopid miss takes n mor fumbls till florda gut 24 n twuz too late fer them vols to ketch up

i herby polgize to all vol fans everwhar fer whut i dun, tho twudnt sprise me ifn sum otherns wuz a'woofin bout that var same game ratalong with me on acounta the spawn of satun wuz gone.

thays uther ways a'woofin, n peepl've bin punsht fer em. practickly ever day thay woof bout peece in the midl east n ye kin see whut happins thar. or whenever thay sed a war on drugs wud solve that problem. or whenever thay said the stok markt wud go to 36000. or whenever bush sed heed ketch osam bin ladn ded or live. or whenever he sed thayd dun foun em weppens of mas deestruckshun. or whenever thay sed twudnt take morn a hunert thousin troops to in stall democrassy. or whenever he sed the war wuz over n the mishun complisht.

i no tis jes a superstishun, but i tell ye innyway, tis a bad biznes to woof.

 

war on sum drugs

Lack everbidy knows, thay's been this war agoin on gainst sum of the drugs that aint advertized on tv or in noospapers n such.

spose tis a good thang to have a war gainst the drugs ye dont want folks usin. n spose tis a good thang to have ads tryin to get em to buy drugs that ye do want em to use.

so tis purty plane we's sposed to be takin drugs longs thar made by drug cumpnies, n thats a good thang since thay test the qualty n make sartin nobidy gets bad drugs. fda looks em over n tests em n makes sure thay does more good than ill

corse, thay cud by side eefecks, pendin on the drug: sucide, egstreme agitashun, hostilty, agression, withdrawl, hed ake, nausha, diereeuh, futeeg, dry mouth, diznes, vomting, constpashun, rash, gas, nos bleeds, infeckshuns, n such lack

n a'corse, taint the same with drugs thats ill eagle. thays niver testd n cant speck to have as minny side eefecks. but thay got thar own problums.

egazamples:

long as drugs is ill eagle only crimnulls gets to decide on puretee

long as drugs is ill eagle only crimnulls gets to decide on strangth

long as drugs is ill eagle only crimnulls gets to decide on marketing practices

long as drugs is ill eagle only crimnulls gets to decide on wuther ye kin sell to kids

long as drugs is ill eagle only crimnulls gets to cash in on the huge untaxt profits frum drugs

long as drugs is ill eagle only crimnulls gets to decide how to reglate thar industry (perteck thar terrtory)

dont git me rong: i aint asayin we shud legulize em cawz i aint silly nuff to claim i know the answer to much of innythang. ye might not kin bleev it, but i cud spel oncet pon a time befor the evil weed ruint my mind, er well, not ackshully ruint but speck ye cud say smokin reefer did git me to thanking bout thangs whenever i wuz too yung to understan whatever twas i was athankin bout cuz heres the cunundrum i cum pone rite away

i mean, consider this here logic: i wuz so dum that i figgered whenever if begun smokin the stuff that since i didnt go crazy or fergit how to remember or lose my will to live or quit awurkin like i'd dun bin promised by antidrug progrums then mayhap thay wuz a lyin bout tother drugs that friens n crimnulls was asellin.

kin ye magine? i wuz so dum that i figgert sum kinda way that the sellers wuz bein more honest than the gummint since i didnt pull up crazy or lose my memry or lose my will to live or my motivashun to wurk, tho the evil drug did seem to make me listn more careful-lack to musick n wont to eat everthang in site

fack is, the hole time i wuz in college i wuz under the spel of theevil weed, jes a'smokin't ever day n stil a'gettin strate A's on my portcard n a'larnin uther langwidges lack germun n spansh n so furth, so ye kin magine how confust i wuz since whut i wuz tole dint match up with whut wuz ackshully happnin to me

so course whenever them friens n crimnulls tole me i wuz lied to bout sum them other drugs lack fer egzample lsd or coke or whutever, seemt lack thay wuz the ones telln the truth n i fell fer it

jes magine: i uset to cud spell thangs

thangs peepl bleevs

in cuntrys whar peepl votes, whut thay bleevs n knows n larns is very important on a counta becawz thays the ones sposed to be runnin the place. ye might cud member abe lincoln on thisn from that talk he give at gettysburg on how this is sposed to be a cuntry of the peepl by the peepl n for the peepl n i speck it probly was thataway at the time he wuz aspeekin bout it.

thangs changes n now ye got to wunder how peepl kin vote proper when thays so confused bout thangs witch i got egzamples of sum the stuff thay bleevs but furst thars the distinkshun tween bleef, persepshun n whut ye kin proov to be fack

ye kin bleev innythang n cant nobidy say yer rong since ye kin bleev whut ye want, fer egzample, 80% of merkin folks bleevs the gummint is hidin evidence bout the exist stance of exter terrestruls or aleens n ifn ye follow the lank on thatn ye kin fine ye all manner strang stuff folks bleevs

yer avridge magician kin tell ye that whut ye persieve cant be trusted since yer so easy to fool

n yer jurnlist kin tell ye that facks is stubborn thangs n hard to cum by n fack is ye cant hardly know the historkul facks bout yer own times till long after yer daid

n thatd all be jes fine ceptn when yer usin whut peepl bleevs or persieves to start wars n such n then later to claim twas all ok since it cum out right, witch that remines me of how we hated them comunists since thay wuz a claimin that the ends jusdefies the means n we knew that was rong till we needed sum ends to jusdefy our own means, lack in iraq whar sums claimin dont matter ifn thay lied tus to get us to go long with em so longs we wun n so furth

so tis a bit troublsome when peepl bleevs thangs lack this here: "Polls taken recently indicate that most Americans are either unconcerned at the apparent collapse of the rationale behind a war that's still killing their compatriots, or ignorant of the whole situation. Before the Iraq war, a Knight Ridder poll showed that nearly half of Americans surveyed believed, erroneously, that there were Iraqis among the Sept. 11 hijackers. During the war, a Los Angeles Times poll showed that 59 percent of respondents were convinced, despite all available evidence, that Saddam was either partly or mostly responsible for Sept. 11. Now that America's failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is becoming an increasingly contentious political issue, a third of respondents in a University of Maryland poll believed that the weapons already have been uncovered. A fifth of those polled think Iraq actually used such weapons in the war." [Salon: Michelle Goldberg, 6/19/2003]

so whar do we git such confused bleefs? n whut kin we do bout it?

pursnull note

taint everday that i git inny wards or ceptance or inny such lack thang, but im proud to announce that south knox bubba dun let me in to the Rocky Top Brigade. im proud to be cepted thataway n i urge ye to get to south knox bubba's site so ye kin read n study up on thangs of portance. ifn ye ask jes rite and have orange blood in yer vanes, ye might cud get in yer own self.

gud luck, yall.

 

wurd of the day: an algy

whenever we merkins was agettin ready to invade iraq, we was subjected to talk of "peasmint" n that talk showd that we dont all rightly unnerstan todays wurd an algy. an algy is sumpin ye use to proov yer point by cumparin 2 differnt thangs thats simlar nuff to make ye thank one of em cud cum out lack tother did. tis a powrful thang n folks get cunfusd by an algy now n then. fack is, yer scribes n pundits n common taters all seem lack thay was confusd by an algy that was amakin the rouns, witch that wud be an algy bout peasmint. mos yer studints of histry knows sumpin bout peasmint n thay was abusin an algy to proov thar points.

the owe ridgnull peasmint tale cum from nevul chamberlin whenever nazi germny wanted to invade n take over check-o-slow-vakya. the peasmint cum out this away, that the worl wud allow them nazis takeover the small cuntry to keep em germins frum wantin to have a war with the peasers, witch that wud be ingland n frants n tother parts of yourup

furst lets remind ourself whut an algy is n how twurks: ye take 2 thangs that ye kin cumpar sumhow, fer instunce, a elfant n a mous. ones big n tothers small n ye cud use that to splain how much bigger sum thang is than sum other thang. so ifn sumbidy said our army compard to theirn is lack a elfant compard to a mous, then yed know we got us a big army n thay got em a small one. least thats howt sposed twurk. that aint how we wuz a usin it to proov we had to go to war.

no, in sted, we wuz amisusin an algy on a counta becawz in the owe ridgnull peasmint situashun twas the mos powerful cuntry on earth, witch at that time was nazi germany, a wantin to invade a tiny cuntry. ye cud a made an algy bout it: the nazi army cumpart to the check army is lack a elfant cumpart to a mous. by lettin the most powerful cuntry on earth invade the little cuntry, we wuz apracticin peasmint.

but whenever we wuz a usin an algy of peasmint to proov we had to invade iraq, it cum out difernt: ifn we didnt let the merkin army, most powerful on earth,  invade the small cuntry, we wuz apracticin peasmint? n ifn we did let em invade, we wuznt apracticin peasmint?

whar wuz the ingleash teechurs n filosofers n common taters when we wuz aneedin em? cudnt nobidy spot an algy that was false?

dont git me rong on this cawz i luv our cuntry america as much as innybidy, fack is, i luv it nuff to say we shudnt lie to ourself nur the worl neither n speshly not our own peepl.

but im jes a cuntry boy from way down in tennessee
all this crazy stuff dont make much sense to me
i guess ye might say i'm jes a homegrown fool
well thats all rite with me its all rite with you

proovin innythang

thays more to this proovin thangs than i got aroun to yesturdy n ifn ye study it much, ye fine tis hard to proov much of innythang whuther posativ or negativ n heres why

furst off, ye got yer 2 types of logick: deduckshun n induckshun. one of em proovs thangs beyond the shado of a dout but t'othern dont. once ye suss out how thay wurks, ye can understan why so lets start with deduckshun

deduckshun wurks ever time n kin proov or disproov everthang it can handle. its the kinda logick that takes ass-umpshuns n proovs thangs lack whenever ye say (1) ifn it rains, myra jeanll carry her bumbershoot n (2) myra jeans acarryin her bumbershoot, witch means tharfor that tis arainin. wurks evertam, but thays problems with it. ye probly dont know myra jean but lack mos folks, she cant tell fer sartin if its agonna rain so ifn it aint arainin whenever she leevs then she might not member to take her bumbershoot so ye kin attack this kine argumint by attackin its ass-umpshuns.

heres a nuthern that ye kin read in leo tolstoys long story or short novel bout ivan illyich witch it goes lack this -- (1) all men are mortal, (2) ivan is a man, tharfor ivan must die. now mos folks cud agree with thisn since everbidy thay ever known is either daid or adyin. problem is that ye kin attack the furst ass-umpshun, bleeve tor not: cud be that not all folks is mortal, that sum of ems gonna live ferever n we cant no fer sartin till all of em dies. fack is, the ass-umpshuns ye need to make deduckshun wurk cums from induckshun

induckshun cant proov innythang cumpleetly but only probly witch that means ye get the prob-billty that sumthins true n whenver ye reech this point, ye got the problem that ye cant proov innythang cumpleetly jes make the best argumints ye kin n no matter how much evdince ye pile up, ye cant never proov nuthin ceptn the prob-billty that it cud be true. fer agzample, ye watch a thang happen overn over agin n purt soon ye induck that tappens all the tam, lack the sun acumin up everday. we all ass-sum that the suns agonna cum up n so far, we aint never bin let down but that dont proov twill cum up tall since thangs cud happen to stop it lack the end of the worl or the sun exploadin or dyin or who knows whut?

i cant help but thank bout all this whenever thays talkin bout them lost weppons of mass destruckshun that saddam hussein sed he dint have n george dubya bush n tonyblare sed he did. now everbidy whos areadin this knows thay aint no way to proov anythang morn the prob-billty that he dun had em or not n whut cud be used to provt? ye cant zackly hold out yer empty han n use it fer proof, speshly afacin this kine evidence: Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction.

so yeed natcherly speck we'd be able to proov he had em once we tuck over, n weev ben a alookin n alookin n alookin n even now we cant proov he had em

ist inny wunder he cudnt proov he dint have em?

wunder how much time weel need to finish lookin?

proovin the negativ

sum folks thanks ye kin proov a negativ n sum folks thanks taint possbul n thays bof rite dependin on the negativ yer trine to proov

at first it aint a parent that ye cant proov ever negativ n i spose most folks dun knows it tho ye gotta wunder on a cownta the way folks keeps a usin it n tendin lack its proovin sumpn

i furst cum upon this concep whenever i startid to wunder bout wuther or not thay was a god n speshly wuther ye cud proov thay wudnt witch ye cant proov it n ever case n heres why cordin to how i figger it. ifn ye wanna proov thay aint no god then ye'd have to know whut god was n whar god cud hide n all the qualties god cud have lack wuther god cud live fer ever. next ye wud have to show ye dun sercht ever whar god cud be hidin n since thays a infinit univers n a eturntee fer god to be hid in, then ye wud almos have to be god to proov thay aint a god on a cownta ye wud have to splain that ye had dun lookt everwhar thay ever was n nowhar did ye fine god but to do that ye wud have to be everwhar at all times n then ye wud be a lot lack god

thats howt peers to me inywho. point is thays negativ thangs ye kin prove like wuther the ainshunt egypshuns lacked seinfield witch ye kin proov thay probly dint have tv n probly dint have the acters fer it but ye cant proovt absolootly since ye cant go back n look see

so lately thays usin this bizness of proovn the negativ on folks. thay spected clinton to proov he hadnt dun the thangs thay wuz claimin he dun in that whitewater land deal n thay was so tuck with thayselvs that thay spent millyuns proovin thay cudnt proov hed dun inythang rong

seem lack this here cuntry wudnt sposed to work thataway: ye wuz sposed to be insent till proovd gillty

thin we pullt the same trick on iraq by trine to make em proov thay dint have weapons witch we wuz sure thay had em n all witch it makes ye wunder ifn thay dun proved that or not

but seem lack we did proov whuther thayd use em if thay wuz atakt n that them wepons musta bin too well hid to be used in 45 mints

so whut im curyas about is whuther yer insent till proovd gillty or gillty till ye proov yer insent