3rd of 7 dedly sins: greed, part 2 (tax releef: them whuts gots gits)

yesterdy we wuz discussin how gummint is the biggest player in our mixt market economy n how ye kin make yer friens rich by pitchin the bizness thar way in sted of a nuther. ye mite member that movie called 'roger rabbit.' thays more truth in that movie than folks lacks to add mitt, speshully bout letting tire, oil n car cumpnies buy up n retire trolley systems to keep down the competishun.

n ye might could thank that wood be a nuff fer the folks that dun made thar millyuns thataway, but when it cums to folks, thays sumthin else ye kin count on: aint no such thang as a nuff. fack is, thats the hole point of this partiklar dedly sin: its based on wontin more when ye dun got more'n a nuff. lets go back to the statmints by my publican frien:

When a democrat says a tax cut across the board is unfair, he means, " If it is across the board, the rich will get a greater return."

The republican says, " If it is not across the board it is a redistribution of wealth."

this time lets look at taxes. do ye no how many folks got a nuff incum to be affected by the thurd highest rate of all, witch that wuz 31% befor the furst bush tax giveaway? anser is only 4% of all folks that pays taxes. n how many folks ye reckon ever have to pay the highest rate, witch that wuz 39.6%? thar ye got 0.6% of the folks ever having to pay. plane fack is, cuttin the top three rates aint innythang lack across the bord on a counta it only touches 4 tax payin folks out of ever hundert. seem lack the definishun of "across the bord" wood be a tax cut that hit everbidy that pays taxes, n fer that, ye wood have to stick to the lowest rate since everbidy, rich n poor, pays it on the furst dollars they makes.

but ye dont have to take my wurd fert. I got quotes, lack thisn here (i dun broke it down into bullets):

• "Only a very small share of tax filers have incomes high enough to be subject to the highest marginal income tax rates. IRS data show that in 1997, the latest year for which this information is available:
  
• "Less than one-quarter of all tax filers were in tax brackets higher than the 15 percent bracket.
  
• "Only four percent of tax filers were in the 31 percent bracket or a higher bracket.
  
• "Less than one percent of filers were in the top bracket, where the marginal tax rate is 39.6 percent. The average adjusted gross income of filers in the 39.6 percent bracket exceeded $900,000 in 1997.
  
• "Since 1997, the proportions of families that have high incomes and thus are in the higher tax brackets have increased somewhat. Even so, with only four percent of tax filers facing marginal rates of 31 percent or above in 1997, the fraction of tax filers subject to the top rates remains small today." (http://www.cbpp.org/3-6-01tax2.htm)

now heres the truble i have with them rich folks a'claimin how they wuz needin tax relief befor bush junyer got into the deficit bildin game: the folks who make a nuff to git into the highest tax brackit got more money back after payin thar taxes in 1998 than they dun in 1992, n twernt a middlin sum. so whars the beef? they wuz makin more already, tax or no tax. how wuz they hurtin? heres ye sum stats on the changes in incum tween 1992 and 1998:

• The bottom 95% of earners had after-tax increases of 9%.
  
• Those who earned between 95% and 99% of the maximum saw their after-tax earnings increase by 19%.
  
• The 1% in the highest bracket received AFTER-TAX increases of 47%. (http://www.cbpp.org/3-6-01tax2.htm).

so ye kin clarly see the incum is dun bein redistributed. n ifn ye dun been a'studyin it, ye no the main folks gittin these increeses is the haids of cumpnies n lots of them git stock optshuns n use agreessiv acountin tekneeks sos they kin make thar stock look more valubull than tis, witch then they kin extercise thar optshuns fer even bigger gains. thay wuz able to git away with makin thar stock look lack its wurth more'n tis on a counta the sec (not the football league!) dun relaxed the acountin regulayshuns, not to menshun the sec's own regulayshuns. n kin ye bleev whut happent? turns out that ifn ye give folks enormous temptayshun n combine it with lil chants of a gittin caught, then folks is a gone steal. n purt soon reglar folks is gone figger out how they is bein cheeted n lose thar faith in the market, n then yer stocks is gone tank, witch ye might have dun noticed whar that happent.

ye might could be wunderin how the poor ceo made out in all this. here's a quote from paul krugman, one of the last honest pundits we gut lef:

"In 1980 chief executives at large companies, according to Business Week's estimates, earned 45 times as much as non-supervisory workers. By 1995, however, the ratio had risen to 160; by 1997, it had reached 305. C.E.O.'s wanted to keep the good times rolling, and they did: by 2000, though profits hadn't really increased, they were paid 458 times as much as ordinary workers."

n ye might notice that these ain't folks inventing more efficient ways of makin goods n such. theys hypin stock n makin money.

tuther tax that them publicans is trine to eliminate is the estate tax, witch that one wuz furst champeened by one of the grate publicans, teddy roosevelt. n thang is, the folks who's agin droppin this tax is an odd bunch on a counta it includes the mos prominunt of the 3,300 famblies that wood ackshully have thar taxes changed by this paricklar giveaway.

heres an artickle by bill gates and chuck collins witch i wisht ye wood read wurd fer wurd, entitled 'Tax the Wealthy: Why America Needs the Estate Tax': http://www.prospect.org/print/V13/11/gates-w.html. here's sum the best bits:

"Of course, the vast majority of family farmers will never owe an estate tax. Rather, the windfall of estate tax repeal will shower upon the heirs and heiresses of the 3,000 wealthiest estates. This elite group will inherit billions in appreciated stock and real estate -- significant capital gains, many of which have never been subject to taxation.

"If, however, the Senate bows to this lobby's pressures by permanently repealing the estate tax, the country stands to lose $800 billion between 2011 and 2021. It's a loss that will significantly undercut Social Security and Medicare over the next seven decades, hitting hard as the eldest baby boomers reach retirement age.

"*Some people object to the notion of a tax at death, but taxing dead multimillionaires is eminently more fair than taxing the not-so-rich living. Between now and 2052, the intergenerational transfer of wealth is projected to reach between $41 trillion and $136 trillion. An estimated one-third to one-half of this wealth will be transferred by estates worth more than $5 million. The estate tax, should it remain in place, will therefore be an increasingly significant progressive source of revenue in the coming decades. Meanwhile, state budgets, already straining from plummeting tax revenues, will lose more than $6.5 billion a year when state-linked revenue from the estate tax is eliminated in 2005.*

"*Like the "great man" theory of history, our dominant "great man" theory of wealth creation borders on mythology.* Such folklore fills the pages of business magazines. In a recent interview, one chief of a global corporation was asked to justify his enormous compensation package. He responded, "I created over $300 billion in shareholder value last year, so I deserve to be greatly rewarded." The operative word here is "I." There was no mention of the share of wealth created by the company's other 180,000 employees. From this sort of thinking, it is a short distance to, "It's all mine" and, "Government has no business taking any part of it."

"There is no question that some people accumulate great wealth through hard work, intelligence, creativity, and sacrifice. Individuals do make a difference, and it is important to recognize individual achievement. Yet it is equally important to acknowledge the influence of other factors, such as *luck, privilege, other people's efforts, and society's investment in the creation of individual wealth.*

"*Republican President Theodore Roosevelt also believed that society had a claim on the accumulated fortunes of the very wealthy, thanks to its role in creating those fortunes. In his 1906 State of the Union address, Roosevelt proposed the creation of a federal inheritance tax. He explained: "The man of great wealth owes a peculiar obligation to the State because he derives special advantages from the mere existence of government." As Roosevelt further argued in a June 1907 speech: "Most great civilized countries have an income tax and an inheritance tax. In my judgment both should be part of our system of federal taxation." Such taxation, he noted, should "be aimed merely at the inheritance or transmission in their entirety of those fortunes swollen beyond all healthy limits."*

"No doubt Roosevelt would consider the great income and wealth inequalities of our second Gilded Age reason to increase rather than to eliminate the one tax we have that limits the buildup of hereditary concentrations of wealth. Roosevelt and others of his day understood that the American experiment was an attempt to balance economic liberty and free enterprise, on the one hand, with a traditional concern about democracy and the dangers of concentrated wealth and power, on the other. The estate tax, adopted in 1916, was one of the means by which Americans rejected the Old World, with its political and economic monarchies."

it aint lack im agin lowerin taxes when they needs it, but lets lower the rates mos folks pays, not the rates that only the richest few pays!

we got to member, "Less than one-quarter of all tax filers were in tax brackets higher than the 15 percent bracket."

to repeat the point: the gummint is dun alreddy redistributin the wealth. cutting taxes speeds it up. ifn ye study much histry, then ye no the result aint never been good when most of a nation's wealth is held by a very small number of citizens.

also, whenever we ignore needs that reely are 'across the bord,' needs that we all got in common lack health care, educayshun, employmint for a livin wage, then eventchully the structure gits too top-hevy to wurk.

a lil bit more on oil

mayhap ye dont bleev sum the thangs i sed yesterdy bout how oil cumpnies is subsdized n ye might not agree that we got artifishully low gas prices. heres more on that frum the nation (http://www.thenation.com/failsafe/index.mhtml?bid=2&pid=47):

"(1) Oil companies are sitting on enormous piles of cash. Profits for ExxonMobil alone were $15.3 billion in 2001. Last year the industry was sitting on $40 billion; as a July 2001 headline in the Wall Street Journal put it, "Major Oil Companies Struggle to Spend Huge Hoards of Cash." That article observed that in May 2001, the Royal Dutch/Shell Group said it was making about $1.5 million in profit every hour--while already sitting on more than $11 billion in the bank. "It's a big problem," the Journal reported.

"(2) Oil companies pay almost no federal taxes. Texaco, for example, reported $3.4 billion in US profits over the three years from 1996 to 1998--and took $304 million in tax rebates for that period. As the US assistant treasury secretary for tax policy testified in 1999 before the Ways and Means Committee: "To give you some idea of the magnitude of tax preferences for this [oil] industry, Mr. Chairman, for the year 1996...75 percent of corporate firms engaged in oil and gas production paid no Federal corporate income tax at all."

"(3) Giving more tax dollars to oil companies will not produce more oil. If there were elephantine new fields to be profitably exploited, the oil companies have the cash and desire to do so. Instead, they are counting their money and sighing.

"(4) Giving more tax dollars to oil companies does not influence the price of gasoline at the pump. Even very large amounts of US tax largesse do not move the world markets in petroleum.

"(5) Oil is a fossil fuel, and therefore both dirty and likely to run out someday. There is not one single responsible person Congress knows of who argues we can continue to burn oil at the rate we do today far into the future.

"(6) Money is short for many worthy needs, as always.

"(7) Nevertheless, it shall be the sense of the Congress to give oil companies huge fat helpings of your money. We propose, oh, say, $149 million over the next five years--with the understanding that this is just an hors d'oeuvre, and that legislation to follow will continue a long-running and gluttonous binge by the oil and gas industry worthy of Caligula. No one will notice, because the legislation won't say "A Bill to Steal $149 Million Over the Next Five Years From the American People." Instead, the bills will offer no dollar figure and no explanation, just a bunch of (lobbyist-written?) gibberish."

in other wurds, thays a reeson cheneys hole energy plan come with a $34 billyun price tag!

3rd of 7 dedly sins: greed, part 1 (how gummint redistribushun of wealth wurks to make rich folks richer)

thays all kinds of greed, n ye could spend yer life definin em n showin how much evil they kin do, but thars one kind that galls me most, n thats the greed of them thats dun got more'n they need. lets ignore the moralty of a'gittin more money that ye cant even spend while thays folks that aint got food or health care or decent skools. lets figger it strate on whuther it makes fer a better economy. it dont.

i have sum publican friens, one of em in partiklar, n hes all extercized over class warfar, witch he thinks poor folks is unfarly attackin the rich n stealin thar money with help frum librul demcrats. we had us a argumint, nearly a fuss n fite ifn ye wont the truth, n heres sum the points frum it. heres his claim:

When a democrat says a tax cut across the board is unfair, he means, " If it is across the board, the rich will get a greater return."

The republican says, " If it is not across the board it is a redistribution of wealth."

questchun is, how else kin wealth be redistributed? heres sum obveeus ways:

1. whenever gummint bilds rodes in sted of railrodes, wealth is redistributed direckly to rode bilders n concreet cumpnies n hevy equipmint manufactchers n so on. indireckly, tis redistributed to them what profits by the cuntry havin such a rode system. fer egzample, yer tire cumpnies, automobil cumpnies, oil cumpnies, convenience stores, fast food cumpnies, motels, etc. thays many millyunairs n billyunairs dun been made thisaway. n twuz a massiv redistribushun of wealth. who paid fer't? all the tax payers. did all them tax payers benfit equal? not hardly. would taxpayers have got em a more eefishent system ifn they dun bilt railrodes sted of hiways? fer the movmint of freight, thars lil doubt about it. do we speck hiways to genrate a profit? no. do we speck amtrak to make a profit? yeah. n who benfits? agin, tis those who dun earnt thar wealth via the status quo. tis immoral to claim that a cross the bord redistribushun of wealth in one case is rong but not rong in tuther case. n lackwise, tis fair that them who benfits most frum the gummints redistribushun of wealth should pay a grater shar back in taxes.
   
   
2. whenever gummint borrows money, tis a redistribushun of wealth. who benfits? them whats got disposbull incum to invest. who pays? them that tries to borrow mony (on a counta theys charged more interst thanks to competishun fer funds) n them that pays taxes. as a nayshun, we pay more'n interst on the debt than we do fer educayshun. who benfits frum better educayshun? everbidy.
   
   
3. whenever gummint spends money fer the milltary, tis a massiv redistrubushun of wealth. who benfits? gummint contracters, furst off, n thays a passle of em in our histry dun made thar fortune thataway, right frum the jump whenever they wuz selling rags to washton's army. the milltary in fack is rarly used to perteck us, cept'n as a big stick that they oughta carry while talkin soft, not that publicans bleev that no more. the perteckshun frum the milltary makes it possbull to amass grate wealth without inny fear a forn invader could cum in n steal it by force. who pays fer this perteckshun? all taxpayers. seem logicul that them that benfits the mos, has the mos to perteck, should pay the mos. corse, the problem aint even that simple on a counta whenever them weppons gits old, we lack to sell em fer profit. corse, the gummint dont git the profit but folks in the contractors kin git rich offn it. thang is, them verr same weppons kin be turnt on us. ye might no member how twuz us, in particklar the raygun administrayshun, who give osama bin ladn his start in the terror bizness, only we wuz callin it freedum fitin then on a counta twuz agin the comunists.
   
   
4. whenever gummint subsdizes extracktiv industries fer energy lack oil, coal, uranyum, etc., the cost of energy gits artifishully low. amurkins pay tween a half n a fifth as much fer gas as mos other cuntries that imports oil. this artifishull low price makes it eazier to sell suvs to folks that dont really need em. corse, sellin em enriches the few a the egspence of the many. that thar wealth is redistributid unfairly. oil is wasted, burnt faster than necessary to perduce the same result. ifn the price of a gallun of gas wuz allowt to rise to whut twood be without gummint subsdies, verr few wood be able to afford to waste it on gas guzzlers that gits 10 miles to a gallun.
   
   
5. whenever gummint leeses publick land to private cumpnies fer prices far below whut the market wood ast, tis anuther massiv transfer of wealth, frum all the taxpayers to a few corprayshuns. them corprayshuns n thar ceos benfit more'n the ackshull owners of the land, witch that wood be us.

thems a few egzamples. point is, we have us a mixt econmy n the biggest player by far is the gummint. the fite aint tween them who say how much should n shouldnt be spent, but tween them that wood spend the money one way n not a nuther.

 

nuther thang ignord by them publicans in thar disgust over one form of wealth redistribushun n not tother is that ifn ye keep as many of the folks as poor as possbull, yer hole consumer base has to spend a grater perporshun of its wealth fer basic needs n it means they got less disposbull incum to invest or use in buyin addishnull products that make the economy grow.

 

point is, we dun redistributin the wealth. only questchun is who wins. everbidy loses.

life of buddy don, chaptur 21:
draft lottry

back in chaptur 3 i larnt that tis better to be lucky than good, n in 1970 virgil n i larnt other thangs it mint. on a counta that wuz when they cum out with the draft lottry. ye mite member it or mayhap ye only herd bout it. way twurked wuz they drew a number fer each day of the year. i dont ritely member when twuz done, but i member comparin mine with virgil, witch turnt out he had 12 n i had 313.

n ye mite could thank i had the good luck n he the bad, n maybe thats how twuz.

up till our generayshun, all the men in our fambly served in the milltary. our daddy wuz in the marines, uncle buster wuz in the navy, n uncle jeff joind the merchant marines, witch he n daddy cum closest to gittin kilt. n near all the men on mamas side wuz marines. i never made no plans to go, but i always figgered i mite. everbidy new that gi bill wuz wurth a'gittin ifn ye could.

i realized whut a ded end i wuz in at shoneys big boy restrunt when darlene started carryin on bout how we dint even have no helth inshurants, witch we dint git that till darlene got on at the plant. n i gut to thankin bout how could i join the milltary n not find myself in a jungle in veet nam, n i cum up with the noshun that i could join the navy.

corse, thay wuz nine mile of bad rode to git thur furst on a counta we wuz still a'studyin with them jeehovuhs witness folks, n they figgered ifn ye joined the worl ye wuz a servin the rong master, n ye cant serve to masters, n ifn ye wuz servin the rong one, then ye wuz a'givin up on inhertin the earth or bein one of the hundert n forty-for thousund that gits to go to heven. nut thang wuz, thay wuz a number of points that i dint agree on with thar splaynashun of everthang, lack fer instants, whenever god kilt the egyptshuns when thay wuz in the red sea bed n admittin he wuz god n i also couldnt never git why he had the isrullites hamstring the horses.

but darlenes the one who got us out. turnt out she wuz tard of goin, witch we had to doot in the afternoon befor wurk twicet a week over to ken ziebolds. n darlene dint respeck ken ziebolds intelleck. witch he wuz the witness that wuz trine to train us up on thar way of reedin the bibl. more'n that, she wonted me go join the navy on a counta the gi bill n how i wood be able to pay fer collidge sumday, n even tho i figger thay wernt no point n thankin bout me in collidge, but why fite about sumthin that'll probly never happen?

so one afternoon, she asts ken ziebold why twuz that the fore gospels dint all report the same wurds on the sine above jesus haid whenever he wuz up on the cross. n she showed whar all for is a bit differnt. she and furthermore'd him a time or two. for ifn twuz a translayshun problem, she ased, how come hadnt the watchtower bibl n track society foun the miss take? n ifn the men who wrote the scriptcherul acounts, ifn matthew n mark n john n luke couldnt agree on what wuz writ above jesus haid, why should we thank they wuz inspired? woodnt god git the story strate?

as ye kin see, she could argu accordin to daddy's definishun of argumint n ken never had a chants. nex thang ye no, he wuz fussin n fitin, n that made darlene laff n twuz a bit cruel i guess. fack is, i wunder bout whuther she wuz rite to be so cold to this verr day. time she wuz dun, we wuz out of the kingdum hall fer good.

but i add mitt i larnt a lot frum em jeehovuhs witnesses n i red the bibl cleer thru sevrul times on a counta of em. n to this day i add mire how they practiss whut they bleev n go door to door n all, n dint seem sumthin the presbyteryuns ever dun much. i no i never did.

innywho, oncet they wuznt on us ever week, i went down to afees, witch that means armed forces examin n entrants stayshun, over to knoxvul n i met a nuther guy name of buddy, thisn buddy wells n he wuz the recrooter fer the navy. he he give me a applicayshun form that had about five hundert questchuns n i ansered as many of em as i new n give it to him. he lookt over n ast me a cuple of em i misst n we wurked em out n then he gut me to take a test, witch twuz logickul questchuns n a lil math n sum definishuns, that kinda thang, so i dun the best i could.

he tallied up the score n seem lack he wuz egsited about it n tole me i dun had a hi nuff score that i could go into the nukyalar subs program. n that wuz fer six years in sted of jes four n the way he splaint it, seem lack the best way to go, so i ast whar did i sine up, n he tole me i had to speek with sargint aims.

thay wuz a line fer sargint aims, n twuz fer the folks that put questchunabull thangs on thar applicayshun questchunair. they tuck me aside on a counta i add mitted i dun had asthma whenever i wuz lil tho it aint bothered me much since i wuz leven year old. thay wuz three of us who had dun add mitted they had asthma, n sargint aims tole us all whut we had to do. turnt out the otherns wuz draftid n i wuz a joinin. whut i needed wuz three letters proovin asthma werent a problem no more. but fer the ones that wuz draftid, they had to git three letters proovin twuz a problem.

now this wuz a cunundrum fer me on a counta i jes new of one docter that had ever docterd me, witch that wuz docter leon brown. he had been in the navy his ownself so he rote two pages bout how they should let me in n he sed that oughta doot since he wuz my lifelong docter n he wisht me well.

turnt out i dint git in n the ones that wuz draftid did. made buddy wells so mad he callt up to yell what had i dun? i tole him twernt my fault, id dun whut i wuz tole. n whut wuz that, he wonted to no. n i sed twuz to tell the truth, n that made him even madder. i gut a card in the mailbox that splaint i wuz '4f' n twuz a humillyatin disapointmint.

but my daddy tuck it well, speshully now that i woodnt be joinin the navy sted of the marines, mayhap twuz on a counta the way marines wuz a'dyin real reglar in veet nam.

n virgil got draftid lack ye probly dun figgert. n he dint wont to go, n he tride to fite it fer a while, but myra jane cum up pregnunt so he give in. they tuck him into the army n sent him to ft belvoir n then to germuny n corse he wuz a mechanic n good n ifn he dint always talk back he wooda cum out with sum rank, but then he woodnt be virgil.

but i dint git in n that made everythang differnt. asthma dint bother me till i wuz near forty years old.

so mayhap everbidy's luck wooda been better ifn virgil had got the hi number n i had got the low'n.

life of buddy don, chaptur 20:
risk

darlene n me, we wurkt tuesdy thru sundy n mundy wuz our day off. darlene always insistid on cleenin hous so we wasted mos of it with that, n i figgert i should help n that cum frum bein razed by my daddy. tommy jones lacked to tease me bout cleenin n he coudnt figger why i dint jes go do sumthin else lack fish, witch we did go fishn sum on a counta darlene lackt to fish bettern mos men, but whenever it cum to cleenin, i jes couldnt let her doot all.

then whenever we wuz dun with that, twuz usually roun 7 or 8 at nite n we wood go by mamas on a counta she wood wonta feed us n daddy lackt to talk to darlene bout histry. they got along grate. i could do histry n geeogruffy rite long with em, so thats whut we dun while we wuz eetin.

then darlene gut this idee bout playin risk so next time we went over fer dinner, we startid a game tween darlene n daddy n me.  n that thar one game lastid the hole marrg.

ye mite wunder how could we keep a game a'goin a long as we dun, so heres the splainayshun. darlene tuck a holt of south amurka n afrika. daddy gut europ n north amurka. n that lef me in the weekest spot witch that wuz indonesia n mos of asia. problem wuz, to git a card, ye had to take a cuntry, so we all gathert roun middle east n whenever it cum our turn, we wood attack n take it frum whoever wuz a'holdin it, tho now n then sumbidy failt n that made it a lil more innerestin. they wood let me take a turn or two holdin all of asia but a corse, they couldnt let that go on fer long counta ye got seven armies fert, so we had unspokun treeties wurkt out n we generly discusst histry or geograffy or else we got into a argumint tween me and daddy on a counta he lackt to argu.

corse ye got to reelize that thays a differnts tween a argumint n a fuss n fite. a argumint is makin yer points n proovin with evdents n daddy lackt to make ye doot n twuz a better game than risk generly. to make shure ye wuz a fitin fair, he wood make ye switch sides rite in the midst on a counta he claimt ye caint defeat a argumint ye caint make. n that claims dun stood the test of time. n he let darlene cum in on eether end of the argumint, n she tuck toot lack a squirrl to a tree.

corse a fuss n fite means jes whut it sez, a fuss n fite. mama never could make the distinkshun n that mint lots of argumints turnt into fuss n fites. daddy sed that wuz on a counta she let her emoshuns git in the way n mama cum back with how he never had no emoshuns so whut wood he no bout it n he wood splain bout he new a nuff to no when to keep em outta the way.

n that thars a nuther thang he n darlene had alike. she could keep her emoshun under cuntrol compleetly, tho ye mite could wunder bout that ifn ye thank back, but turns out everythang that happent in chaptur 10 wuz purt well controllt n i wuz jes foolt by it. or maybe twuz reel. thats the thang with darlene. she could cuntrol her emoshuns till ye never new when they wuz reel n when they wuznt.

n when ye thank bout it, a'larnin to argu without lettin inny emoshun in is a good thang, but ye got yer risks with it also. darlene wuz a lot lack daddy, n oncet he got us to usin argumint in sted of fussin n fitin, thats whut we dun. n fer a few years it seemt lack a good thang, but twernt. ye need to brake out a good fuss n fite now n then. darlene n me, we thought we dun had it lickt. she got on at the nashnul lab n after anuther few months i got on at k-25.  n we tuck classes at roane state comunty college. n then she started a'goin to ut. n then she wuz in luv with one of her teechers. n then twuz over. with nary a fuss n fite.

fack is whenever we dun divorcet n went our seppert ways i cum home fer a visit n found that same game of risk under the couch whar we lef it last time we played. n whut sprized me mos wuz i wuz a holdin middle east.

life of buddy don, chaptur 19:
a lil fambly histry

as ye mite magine, oncet we wuz back in tennessee, we saw my folks n bruthers n sisters more reglar. in fack, whenever darlene n i furst got back, my mama had a big recepshun fer us n purty much the hole fambly frum both sides wuz thar, not includin the furst fambly of uncle jeff, witch that wood be the one that had persilla int. fack is, thay wuz never no menshun of that fambly n i cum to wunder did they exist or wuz it sumthin i jes magined that i membered?

mamas folks cum frum the flatlands round strawberry plains n her maiden name wuz mize. her daddy wuz frum germun stock n her mama wuz a chandler, witch them chandlers wuz scottish. thays sum says my mamas daddy morris mize wuz a jew who quit his relijun n becum apostate or sumthin on a counta his furst wife run off with either the rabbi, ifn he reely wuz a jew, or the reverend, ifn he werent. this happent roun 1913, same year he marrd my grandma. they moved to oklahoma, whar he had a deepartmint store till the depreshun but he lost everthang in 1929, witch thats why he moved back to tennessee, whar he tuck wurk in a coal mine. he died of newmonia, witch ant ruth claims twuz black lung, but dont thank they figgered witch it realy wuz. my mama wuz six at the time, so corse we never met him. dont everbidy go long with him bein a jew, speshully not uncle arnold, who bleevs pure blud is important n he lacks to try to proov it by raisin germun po leece dogs n liftin em up by thar ears.

whenever morris mize died, he lef his wife, witch her name wuz sarah louise chandler, with ten kids to finish razin, tho luckly sum of em wuz dun razed up by then. thay wuz jes one yunger n my mama, n that wuz uncle donald. thangs wuz hard on em, n whenever my mama wuz eleven, her mama marrd a man name of mr william, witch he wuz a mean n sullen man, n purty soon my mama moved out n never went back. she got by sumhow, a'quittin skool n livin with her sister, witch that wood be ant ruth, n wurkin wharever she could lack at the bus stayshun in oak ridge, witch she wuz a'wurking thar whenever my daddy cum thru n spotted her.

daddys fambly wuz frum way up in the mountains. my granddaddy thomas jefferson duncan, witch everbidy callt him tj, wuz born in new river, n his daddy wuz born in a holler that dint have no proper name. twuz a fambly that marrd late in life n ye kin git to the civil war in five generayshuns frum me, n tiz a fack that my grate granddaddy elijah ross duncan fought fer the union n hiz bruther benjamin knox duncan fought fer the south. we never new innybidy frum that line of the fambly.

in sted, we cum frum eiljahs line. even tho he fought fer the union, whenever the war wuz over, he cum home to east tennessee, n twernt a problem on a counta east tennessee, as ye mite no, wuz simpathetickal to the north to sum extint. my daddy claims thats why east tennessee wuz publican when the rest of the south wuz dixiecrat. ye should no by now that daddys fambly wuz all seryus publicans whenever it cum to palltics. thang wuz my mamas fambly wuz biggern n bout half dixicrat even if they wuz livin in east tennessee, so thay wuz lots of vote cancelayshun a'gone on twixt the two sides. 

granddaddy marrd a rich woman frum jonesboro name of rebecca abigail kent, witch everbidy always callt her grandie. they say she wuz frum pure english stock, but we never new much of nuthin bout her fambly on a counta she wuz kicked out of it fer marrn granddaddy.

my daddy wuz born in petros, whar they have brushy mountin state prison, n hiz name wuz elias muir duncan. he had two bruthers n one sister, all born in wartburg. hiz next bruther wuz uncle buster n fack is i dont no his real name, n the next bruther after that wuz uncle jeff, witch his real name wuz thomas jefferson duncan jr, n the next wuz ant roena.

my daddy wuz the eldest n his daddy wuz the eldest n his daddy wuz the eldest n i wuz the eldest, so ye might could thank thay wuz expecktayshuns whenever i wuz born, witch ifn twere so, how kin ye splain why my name turnt out buddy don duncan? i dont no whar they found that name n seem lack my bruther eli got the name i wuz spozed to have. fack is, i had two yunger bruthers n two yunger sisters, n thar names wuz elias muir duncan jr, brewster angus duncan, roena may duncan, n the baby, maisie lynette duncan.

tiz sad to brang up that last name, n i'll splain why by and by.

i jes red back over what i writ thar n i reelize aint nuthin much ye kin git frum it bout how folks wuz. tiz a hard thang to rite, but leest ye no the names. n ye also need to no that thar wernt nuthin more important to my fambly than fambly, n thats why thay had that recepshun fer us even tho i did run off n take the moon pies.

life of buddy don, chaptur 18:
stick it!

i wont kid ye. thay wuz times i wundered how i cudda dun becum my own wurst enemy, but i generly got over't befor i cud larn much frum it. t'wood take years fer me to begin sussin why i dun whut i dun. ifn my energy holds, ye gone here all bout it.

why darlene dun whut she dun wuz a differnt matter. fer that, ye need to no a bit about darlenes mom, name of bronwen n the hole fambly callt her that n never used the wurd mama oncet that i no of on a counta her havin a problem, witch she wuz whut thay call a secret dranker even tho thay wuznt no secret about how drunk she got. she claimt she never toucht a drop, but fack is, i wuz over to visit with darlene many a time n smelt fer my ownself jes how drunk she cud git. she lacked to cum to the door whenever i gut thar n she'd let me in n then trap me in the corner n innybidy with a nose wood no. generly darlen wood cum to rest cue me, but thay wuz times the rest of the fambly wood gather round n make jokes about darlenes mama, tellin insults right to her face, n that wuz rong even ifn she wuz a drunk.

i sed as much one time, n that led to fussin n fitin on a counta i figgert ye owe yer own mama respeck no matter whut n darlene figgert ye dont owe nobidy nuthin lessn thay urns it n far as she wuz concernt, her mama hadnt dun urnt the lees respeck n fack wuz, she dint get inny respeck at all. 

darlene wood git into listin her mamas crimes, n thay wuz a passle of em. she wood git drunk n call reltives all over the cuntry n run up the fone bill n git everbidy to the point whar thay dint wont nuthin to do with her n thangs gut so bad till darlene larnt how to disconneck the fone on the telefone poll.

sumtimes she wood git to brakin thangs. darlenes dad wuz percy krum, witch thay wuz a mix of welsh n germun n otherwise mutts same as mos folks n thay gut the name krum frum germny. percy krum wood leev whutever miz krum dun broke jes as broke as cud be.  n thar wuz fones broke offn the hook n furnchur in peeces n clutter everwhar ceptn the gurls bedrooms. furst time i wuz over thar, the oven door wuz half off n it stayed thataway fer longs i wuz in californy, witch that wuz only nine munths. thay lookt lack thay hadnt misst a meal so i dont no how thay wuz a cookin or ifn thay wuz eatin thangs raw. thay never ast me to dinner the hole time.

n she wood hawl off n hit her kids in the face fer no reeson innbidy cud figger. i saw with my own eyes a green bruze on the lef cheek of darlenes lil sister glenda but she sed she dun fell n landed on a rock, witch i wunder who she thought she wuz a foolin.

wurst of all, thay wuz times bronwen wood git upset with the three gurls n take after'm with a knife n oncet she gut darlene, witch thats how darlene cum to have that scar on her laig.

thays plenty other egzamples i cud give, but long n short is darlene had powrful reeson to git out of that house n thats why she wuz a savin all that money. oncet we were safe in tennessee, i finely gut to puttin thangs together till i figgered out she wuz a runnin away even ifn she wuz in luv with me, witch i thank she wuz fer a while.

but the problem with runnin away is ye aint a'runnin to innythang n that meens ye kin fine yerself right back whar ye started or else in wurse shape than befor. n that seemt to splain how we cum to be wurkin six long days in a filthy job fer slave wages at shoneys big boy restrunt in oak ridge tennessee.

corse, ifn yer razed by a drunk mama who lacks to brake thangs n chase after her own youngns with a knife, chantses are yer a'gone cum out a bit warped by tall, n mayhap thats whut happent to darlene. seemt lack she cudnt never be happy no way, n turnt out the goal of the marrge wuz to make her happy, n i failt thatn mos ever time ceptn by acksident now n then.

wurst of all, turnt out thay wuz jeehovuhs witnesses in tennessee n sos we cud keep our promise to miz deeanjello, we tuck to studyin with them bout oncet a week n that kep us feelin gilty all time on a counta we wuznt bleevin thangs the way thay sed we oughta be.

thay wuz a man a'wurkin thar at shoneys n ever time i thank bout how stuck we wuz befor darlene got on at the plant, i thank bout him. he wuz the dishwasher, name of ernie, n thay sed he wuz simple n i spoze he wuz tho fack is thay wudnt nobidy that cud work as long or hard as he dun everday, n thay paid him wursen thay dun me on a counta him bein jes a dishwasher. corse that kindly makes ye wunder since he wood git thar early n do all the prep n then take to washin dishes n thang wuz, he cudnt cook a lick n all them orders cumin in jes made him mad.

corse, lack in inny restrunt, thay wuz the nite manjer n he wuz a dictater, witch thay callt him a dick n he wuz a meen spiteful man namet leroy. thay dont cum laziern he wuz cept when it cum to handin out insults n tellin folks whut thay dun rong. ye cud go days without him sayin nuthin to ye till ye dun sumthin rong, n then thar he wuz, all over ye n tellin ye as loud as he cud whut wuz rong with ye n how ye wood never amount to much of nuthin n all.

n he had a boss that wuz even wurser, name of ed hanes, n he only cum around oncet or twicet a week, ifn that, n even then it cud be dayshift, witch darlene n me, we wuz a'wurkin nights n dint neethur one of us make days till much later, n that wuz jes me after darlene got on out at the plant. but ed hanes wood cum roun n do his level bes to increese the misry on a counta ye cant never git the hole kitchin purfeckly cleen n seemt lack ed hanes cudnt see nuthin but the dirt ye misst.

n whenever ed hanes cum in, he luved to tormint ernie, n twernt much of a trick to pull since ernie run on a tank of anger n plans fer revenge. we generly gut a call frum one them other shoneys big boy restrunt manjers on a counta thays shoneys all over n whenever ed hanes wood leev out frum on restrunt, the manjers wood git on the fone n warn that he wuz on his way. n leroy wood try to make it so ed hane spint the hole visit a tormintin ernie on a counta ed hanes wuz a gone tormint sumbidy n seemt lack ernie wuz the eeziest goat to git.

thar thayd be, ernie a wurkin on them dishes, witch that mint he wuz stuck in a lil space whar ye cud hardly turn roun n the busboy wood be brangin the dishes n dumpin em n ernie wood be yellin at em but nobidy paid him no mind. fack is, mos everone loved to laff at ernie, n im shamed to add mitt i dun it a time or two my ownself.

but when it cum to washin dishes, nobidy cud touch him. he wuz a short fat man with a red face n thick hands with short stubby fangers. dint seem lack he cud feel how hot them dishes wuz n he wood stick his hand rite in whar the hot water wuz a sprayin on em n never oncet did he say ouch n i no twuz hot on a counta i made leroy mad one nite so he let ernie go early n made me wurk dishes, n that made ernie mad n made me mad too.

innywho, whenever ed hanes cum in, he wood plant hisself over by the dishwasher n start in to astin ernie questchuns. n ernie wood git to ansern n purty soon, ed hanes wood make ernie look lack a fool, only sumtimes he had to keep at it sevrul times befor ernie cawt on to whut ed hanes wuz a'doin, n then here cum ernie from around the dishwasher lack he wuz a'gone say sumthin, but ed hanes wood point to a spot of dirt, n ernie wood grab a rag. meenwhile, everbidy wood be laffin at ernie.

n even when ed hanes warnt round to inspeck us, witch that wuz part of his job, inspeckshuns, whenever ed hanes warnt thar, thay wuz this cook name of tommy jones who lackt to git ernie a'goin. he wood tell ernie ed hanes is on his way, n ernie wood ast how did he no, n tommy jones wood say thay jes got a call from the rutledge pike store n that mint he woodnt git thar fer leest an hour, n that wuz a nuff fer ernie.

here he cum then, n the hole kitchin wood gather roun, a waiting till ernie sed it. tommy jones wood ast ernie wuz he a'gone say it this time, n ernie wood begin listin his reesons fer hatin ed hanes, n then, the momint everbidy wuz waitin fer.

'so whut ye gone tell him?' tommy jones wood ast. n ernie wood say he wuz a'gone tell him, n this time, by god, he mint it, this time, by god, he wuz a'gone to doot. n then up come his middle fanger jes in time to stab the air whenever ernie finely sed, 'im gone tell him to stick it!'

'ye gone tell him to stick it?' n tommy jones kep on till he gut ernie a sayin stick it no matter whut. whut about his pay? 'stick it!' n his penshun, witch ernie thought he should git a penshun frum the cumpny on a counta he dun wurkt thar near twenty years but he cudnt git it thru his thick skull that thay wuznt no penshun at a place lack that n a job lack that n thay wuznt even no union, but dint matter, he wuz the kine who bleeved thay should be sum way fer folks to retar n colleck em a penshun. but whenever tommy jones wood ast bout the penshun, ernie stuck up his fanger n sed, 'stick it!' n tommy wood ast bout the way ed hanes wuz always findin sumthin dirty n makin ernie cleent. wuz he a'gone take that from ed hanes? 'hail no,' sed ernie, 'im gone tell him to stick it!'

n everbidy wood be a'laffin by this point, n ernie wood turn the fanger on the hole kitchin n tell us all, 'stick it!'

but whenever ed hanes cum roun, ernie never oncet sed stick it to him n tommy jones n leroy wood pick on him fer that till ernie wuz too mad to talk n he wood be slammin the dishes roun ne even brake one on purpuss now n then, witch that mint he had to pay fer't.

thang wuz, i felt lack i wuznt much differnt frum ernie. thay wuz nites id be plannin on when i wuz walkin out. id tell myself i wuz a leevin soons the evnin rush got out of hand. id plan on leevin nun of the food started n a wheel full of tickets. but thangs got busy n i fergot bout how i wuz walkin out n then the rush wuz dun n thay wuznt that long till we got off, n fack is, i never dun it.

fack is, i wonted to stick my own fanger in the air n tell sumbidy, 'stick it!'

corse the problum wuz how i never cud figger who i should be a'sayin it to. so i did it to the mirror, thankin i wuz practicin, but when ye thank about it now, ye kin see i wuz probly sayin it to the right person all long.

'stick it!'

covers n owe ridgnals

heres what i think about covers of songs that's done been writ n proved.

thays this place in lenoir city (just outside knoxvul) called the crosseyed cricket. thay got em a couple ponds thar filled to the gills with fish, catfish in one, trout n tother. thems some well fed critters, eatin thar daily fill of all the corn n worms n wounded minnas and whatever else it is that fish loves to eat. so corse thays fat and healthy. for a small price, a person kin rent em a pole n some bait and chuck it out into the water n make it boil with fish trying to get caught. in about two minutes tops a body kin have em eight or ten big fat fish. the folks at the cricket'll cut em up n clean em for ye to take home, or ye kin get em to batter em up n cook em for the family to eat right thar with greens n hush puppies n mashed taters n iced tea.

ye get a good meal ever time. but t'aint much of a fishin trip.

since the song is the main ingredient in a good recordin, then it makes sense that doin covers is kindly simlar to fishin at the crosseyed cricket. yer almost bound to please most folks. fact is, ye kin probly get more folks to come out n hear yer band if ye do covers than ifn ye do originals. thats why thays all these cover bands n so few that play thar own songs. but its still a plane fak that doin covers aint the toughest trick innybidy ever tried.

corse its a hole nuther thang if a person is doin sumpin new to a song, like what jimi hendrix done to dylans 'all along the watchtower' or what the who done to eddie cochrans 'summertime blues' or even what 2 live crew done to roy orbisons 'oh pretty woman' or what earth wind n fire dun to that beatles song "got to get you into my life." thay made em thar own n made em new somehow. fer me that rates higher than doin em the exact same way as the owe ridgnal, though ifn it's a cover band ye want, thats kindly what ye gotta do.

dont get me wrong, covers is as good as thay is but thay jest aint as much of a stretch as doin owe ridgnals. ifn yer doin covers in a new way (interpretated, as thay say) that rates better cause thays a bigger risk involved. folks dont like change all that much n it takes a while till thay get used to sumthin old bein new all a sudden.

n ifn folks cant hardly warm up to new interpretayshuns of old songs ye kin magine how tiresome thay kin be bout owe ridgnals. speshly live. on tother hand ifn nobidy does owe ridgnals then thay aint no new music no way.

thays folks brave a nuff to try thar hand at bein owe ridgnal, n amung the bestns is knoxvuls own todd steed. hes dun writ a passle of new songs on a album bout k-town callt 'knoxville tells' n thays rite good. sum of my faverts are 'peyton manning shirt' n 'north knoxville' n 'the sounds of this town' tho i lack lots of otherns he dun writ. ifn ye wont one of his cds ye kin git it at disgraceland. or ye cud by em all on a counta he rites good musik n fack is, tiz as good as a campin trip meal, witch mayhap i need to finish the splainayshun of that.

thays this river up in morgan county tennessee called the obed. its way on up in the mountains near catoosa. ye cant get thar by car. i mean ye take a car n drive till the road gives out n hike the rest of the way acarryin whatever ye need. taint fer the faint harted n its just a few folks ever gits up in thar. the fishin kin be ruff to but ifn ye spend a nuff time at it ye get to whar ye know how to wade the river n what bait to use n whar to drop it n ye kin do right well. ye dont catch nearly the fish ye get at crosseyed cricket. the fish ye do catch ye got to clean. n ifn yer gonna eat, ye gotta build a fire n ye had to dun lugged yer skillet with ye n sum crisco n sum corn meel n all in all tiz a fair bit of wurk.

i member a time we had three days of rain. run plum outta food cept some taters n caught no fish. last day out the sun come up in sted a clouds n our luck got better. we caught us a stringer full a redeye n smallmouth bass n kilt em n cleaned em n rolled em in corn meal n fried em in crisco in our cast iron skillet. that thar meals a sermon on why ye fish in the first place.

n im here to i tell ye the memry of that one meals like a good hook in a owe ridgnal song that ye cant get outta yer mind.

the 9th cummandmint: thou shalt not bare fals witness agin yer naybor

i guess ye might cud say everbidy lies, n thay do, but that dont make lyin ok. questchun is, is sum lies wurse than otherns? ist wurse to lie bout sex ye dun had or bout why ye need to send yer army to war?

to egzamine such a questchun, ye got to start by figgern out whut a lie is mint to do, witch ye generly tell ye one whenever ye need to convints sumbidy of sumthin. arstotle dun broke down the hole topic of trine to convints folks of thangs into three catagories, witch ye kin try to convints sumbidy bout whut dun alreddy happent (forinsick) or bout whut sumbidy might should consider a'doin (palliticull) or how good sumbidy is good or bad right here n now (sellabratorry).

or ye might cud say ye got argumints bout the past, present n future.

whenever clinton sed he hadnt had sex with that woman, he wuz line bout the past, n generly the questchun then is how big a crime wuzt? did it kill innybidy? did it hurt the nayshun? did it reck his marrge? did it brake his wife's hart? did innybidy who wuznt part of the clinton fambly git hurt? n grantid, tiz painful to be lied to, so thays a passle of folks who gut hurt by that lie. n bad as twuz, ye cud say twernt such a big deel that he wood need to be kickt out of his office on a counta he wuz doon his job as presdent even in spite of whut he dun n the lie he tole.

whenever the bush campain wuz a'claimin he wuz a compashunut conservtiv, twuz a lie bout the present that only the future cud deetermin whuther twuz true or not, n the future on that one is now past n turnt out not to be true.

then thars lies bout whut folks should do, n thays the one pall tishuns lacks the mos. ye cant hardly keep up with em all, n thats why thay got jurnlists, witch thays the ones generly has to count up such thangs n when thays doin thar jobs, thays the ones a figgern wuz sumthin reely a lie or not. them jurnlists been playin with argon lately, witch that makes lies much eazier to sneek past folks on a counta folks is lazy, witch ye call that sloth.

ifn ye wont to make ye a list of the lies dun been tolt sos we wood all go long with a unpervoked invayshun of a nuther cuntry, witch that wood be i rack, ye kin git the makins from jurnlists tho ye might have to fine em in other cuntries. heres a list i found in the independent frum our ally grate brittun:

1. i rack wuz responsbull fer the 9/11 attacks
   
2. i rack n al qaeda wuz a wurkin together
   
3. i rack wuz a seekin urainium from africka fer a reconstitooted nukyalar weppons program
   
4. i rack wuz a trine to import alumnum tubes sos thay cud develp nukyalar weppons
   
5. i rack still has vast stock piles of chemcull n biologicull weppons frum the furst war
   
6. i rack had up to 20 missuls  that cud carry chemcull or biologicull warheds far nuff to threaten brits in cyprus
   
7. i rack had whut it needed to develp small pox
   
8. the weppons inspekters supportid the claims them brits n bushies wuz a makin
   
9. preevius weppons inspekshuns had dun failt
   
10. i rack wuz obstrucktin the inspekters
    
11. i rack cud dee ploy thar weppons in 45 mints
    
12. the brits hole 'dodgy dossier' wuz so loded with lies that ye kin callt a lie
    
13. war wood be eezy as a cake walk, witch ifn yeev ever tride to git a cake to walk ye shoulda bin equipt to see thru thatn
    
14. um qasr has been taken, witch thay had to doot bout three times befort turnt tru
    
15. the folks in basra is rebellin agin thar oppressers, witch thay dint ackshully do
    
16. thay had to restcue privitt jessca lynch
    
17. troops wood face chemcull n biologicull weppons durin the war
    
18. ifn we git a chants to ast thar scientists we wood fine them weppons, only dint wurk out thataway
    
19. i racks oil money wood go to peepl of i rack n nobidy else
    
20. weppons of mass deestruckshun dun been found, witch thay dun tole this lie sevrul times without it stickin

now thays sum that lacks to argu that dont matter nun ifn these lies wuz tole so longs thangs cum out rite, only that wuz the same thang the comunists wuz a claimin all long whenever thay wuz a sayin the ends justifies the meens. n thays sum that lacks to argu that twuz only sixteen wurds in the midst of a long speech, but thays generly the same kine folks that wuz a sayin twuz only 18.5 mints missin frum nixons why towse tapes.

corse, thays sum radculls that ackshully reeds thar bibls, n thay has truble splainin whut wood jesus do on a counta thays a wontin to go to war n all but still claim to be christchuns, witch ifn yer a gone claim sumthin lack that, ye need to pull out that garden of gethsemane story n reed it agin.

mayhap ye member thatn, but ifn ye dun forgot it, heres howt goes: them romans cum to git jesus sos thay cud crucify him n one of them deesiples, sum say twuz peter, pult out his sword n tride to defend the mos preshus thang in the hole relijun, witch that wood be jesus hisself, but jesus sed to put up yer sword on a counta ifn ye live by it, ye gone die by it. n he pointed out that he had angels of mass deestruckshun he cudda uset ifn he wonted to, but he dint.

n taint only the sword that wurks thataway.

tiz the lie too, on a counta ifn ye live by the lie, ye gone die by it.

life of buddy don, chaptur 17:
cud this be all thar is?

oncet darlene n i dee sided we wood tie the not, everthang in life begun movin jes a lil bit faster. turnt out thar wuz a passle of thangs ye had to do ifn ye wonted to git hitcht.

1 - pick a day, witch we made the miss take of pickin a day that lookt ok till i noticet twuz my mamas birthdy n by then twuz too late to change.

2 - ye had to pick a bes man, witch i wonted virgil but the questchun wuz how to fine him n send the invite, tho i sent sumthin to the last address we had fer him.

3 - darlene had to pick a dress, witch that took us trip after trip of me luggin my laig aroun in a cast to shops whar everthang wuz white n frilly n lacy n the smell made ye need to step outside n sneez, witch the hole thang turnt out to be a waste of time on a counta darlene dee sided she wood make her own weddin dress, witch she dun, not to mentchun makin a speshul pink dress that wudnt fer a'wearin outside.

4 - we had to dee side whar wuz we a gone have it dun, witch stagin it at thar church wuz jes fine by me even ifn it did hurt miz deeangjello to larn we wuz a gittin hitched in a church of the antichrist, witch thats whut she thought thay all wuz ceptin fer them kingdom halls of them jeehovuhs witness bunch.

5 - sumbidy had to pay fer the reehursal dinner, witch that wuz spozed to be paid fer by the father of the groom but thay wernt no way my daddy wood be eethur payin or cumin to the weddin n that mint usin up sum more of darlenes savins or else lettin her daddy doot, n we had wurds overt befor dee sidin to do rite n pay fert our ownselves, witch that rilly mint her ownself.

6 - she had to organize mades of honor n pick a best made or whutever twuz she wuz a'callin her bes frien, witch that wuz carol charles who everbidy thought wore too little close.

7 - n we had to git a soot fer me to wear since twoodnt do to wear one of mr deeanjellos second hands.

8 - n that preechur had to be paid.

9 - we had to plan a honeymoon.

10 - we had to figger on who we wuz a'gone invite, witch thay wudnt much fer me to say on thatn bein as how my folks wudnt in range of cumin in i hardly new innybidy else who cud cum.

the ackshull list of thangs wuz a hole lot longer n makes me tard jes to thank on it on a counta thar wuz no end to the thangs needed to be dun or at leest wurryied over. fer instunts, i dint egzackly have the kind job ye need ifn yer a'gone sport a wife, n fack wuz, i cudnt wurk tall till after the operayshun. n that tuck plannin n pointmints n testin n x rays n more of darlenes savins, but she had tall wurkt out, n shure a nuff, i went back in the hospittal n thay put me to sleep n redun the laig n twuz a mite paneful at furst but i wuz overt purty soon n tho twuz better twuz never quite the same agin n thats how cum me to limp to this very day.

long n short of twuz that i walkt into the 'see me valley' furst methdist church a broke man. seemt lack id jes lef home to find a nuff freedom to live my own life, n thar i wuz compleetly in hock to darlene n thang wuz i dint no whuther twuz love or lust we wuz a marrin fer. but marr we did n thay wuz teers shed by her mama whenever her daddy ansert the questchun who gives this woman in mattermony n her daddy sed, 'Her mother and I are proud to.' virgil showed up after all n wore one of his daddys soots n twuz good to see him even if he needed a harcut. n we all ate cake lack thay wuz no tomorruh n the pitchers all show purty happy folk. n thay wuz more presents than id ever seen n one place befor, most of em repeats.

n when twuz over, we saw that thayd deckrated the car with wurds lack 'jes marrd' n 'so long sucker' n 'a nuthern bites the dust.' n thangs wuz good fer a few days till darlene cum up with that yeest infeckshun. furst she cum up smellin lack a can of tuna fish n she wundert whut wuz rong n then she tuck to washin herself exter keerful. n thang wuz we begun to speck twuz cawzed by all the luvin we wuz sharin. n then she new she had it whenever she smelt it n twuz lack bred. n she met a nuther woman n she splaint whut wuz a goin on n thangs wernt never the same a gin.

that wuz whenever we wuz in yosimatee nashnul park, witch we went to bakers field fer the honeymoon nite n stayd in a motel 6, witch dint matter whar we stayd on a counta we had jes the one thang on our mines till she got the yeest thang. n then seemt lack thangs wernt the same no more so we give up on yosimatee n drove back to the 'see me valley' n pickt up her mama n drove to niagra falls on a counta her mama n daddy wuz frum buffalo new york witch that wuz close by them falls. n the yeest dun followt us to niagra falls n fack is, we never gut shed of it.

we met a bunch of the new york reltives tho i never larnt thar names nor saw em agin neethur. then twuz the long drive back to californy n then fer sum strange reeson, we dee sided to move back to tennessee to set up housekeepin. ackshully, we figgert we wood have a better chants n we wuz a hopin to git on at one of them plants in oak ridge.

but thay wudnt hirin so we ended up takin whut we cud get, witch that wuz jobs at shoneys version of the big boy whar i made $1.45 a hour on a counta thay wuz no union in tennessee, witch thay callt it a right to work state even ifn it seemt more lack a right to pay poorly state. darlene gut a job at the same place fer 72 1/2 cent a hour plus tips, witch twuz lucky she got them tips without tax. n her daddy dun found a sumbidy that wonted to by that broke up motorsickle n we uset that money n the last of darlenes to git a old car. n we found a partment that my ant nancy wuz rentin fer $65 a month n it seemt a bit steep at furst but turnt out darlene cud get $100 in tips on a weekend n thay wuz plenty of hours to wurk ifn ye needed exter money, witch we did, even if thay wuz no overtime. we wurked six days a week, all but mundy, n then we mite go fishin tho that wuz genrully a fuss n fite n no fishin tall since seemt lack the partment wuz never cleen a nuff to soot darlene, n she felt twuz a good use of our day off to do lawndry n cleen house.

wurst of all, she never seemt to kick that thar yeest infeckshun n she blamed tall on me on a counta thangs gut wurse whenever we had sex n that made ye wunder why did we git marrd on a counta wuznt sex the main reeson? but in sted, that yeest infeckshun made thangs contentchus betwixt to two of us ever nite. n turnt out over time that i cum to thank i luved her but dint lack her much, n thats held up to this day.

i member line in bed n wunderin how it cum to be that i dun lef home to larn how to live my own life n not have to do everthang my daddy sed do only to git myself into a marrge whar i had to do everthang darlene sed do or else go thru fussn n fitin over tall.

in deed, life wuz hard fer all the obveeus reesons when ye look at it with hine site, but truble wuz, i dint have nun of that hine site then. in sted, i cawt a bad case of the melluncolly that cums frum wonderin cud this be all thar is?

life of buddy don, chaptur 16:
the acksident

the wurst thang that cum frum that trip to san fran cisco wuz howt made everthang i wuz a'doin seem differnt. i cant splain why but sum kinda way i wuz wishin i wuz up thar with virgil n i cudnt seem to git if offn my mine n corse that made wurk a tiresum thang. 

fur the furst time i saw whut mr dimund wuz a gittin at whenever he sed twuz wage slavry. seemt lack twuz n the overseer wuz a dicktater, witch that wuz the night shift manjer arnie hafner frum nebraska. he wuz a lil runt of a man but he pusht everybidy roun all the time. fack is, seemt lack he n me, we cudnt git along hardly. nuthin i did wood suit him n i gut to whar i wuz a fitin him back n he reeportid me strate to dick screema.

nex evnin thays news that dick screema wonted me to see him nex day at 3 pm n seemt lack arnie wuz a'woofin in his hart that dick screema wood ax me n i half hopet he mite. but thay say ye ought not woof n it proovd to be true this time too.

dick screema tuck me into his office n he give me a book, witch twuz the fountinhed by ann rand but i dint reed it in time. then he sat me down n give me a good talkin to. tole me id started out as a fine wurker, willin to do whutever it takes.

'What happened to the Tennessee Volunteer who never turned down any job? Who would mop or shilly shine or whatever i asked him. No questions, just a quick, "Yes, sir!" What happened to him? Now you act as if work were a problem. And you're becoming a problem.'

i add mitted it n i splaint that wurk had dun turnt borin n seemt lack i wudnt a'gittin no whar but jes a spinnin my weels. n he sed wood i cunsider takin the job of prep man at anuther store. i tole him it seemt lack he wonted to have it both ways, git rid of me n keep me n that made him laff. then he tole me he had to do sumthin about the arnold problem n that took me by surprize but i dint say nuthin.

fack is, he wuz a'givin me a chants to git a new start, n i needed it, n i tole myself id make thangs differnt.

wurkin prep man mint ye had to be thar by 4:30 am latest so i had to leev out by 3 am or 2:30 on a counta i lackt to git thar urly. twernt eezy to make the switch the furst time, but i gut uset toot purty quik.bein prep mint cuttin the lettuce n makin the onion rings n strawberry pies n makin sure the lines wuz stockt n the greese more or less cleen a nuff, that kinda thang. twernt bad wurk n i wuz trine hard not to have the urge to quit everythang n take off fer san fran cisco.

but it never cum to that. in sted, as i wuz a drivin home one evenin, heddin due west, i let the sun git in my eyes n misst it whenever this car stoppt in front of me. jes lack that, i crasht in toot n broke my lef laig.

twuz a brake in my life too. thay put a cast on me n sent me home with a bill i cudnt pay n i cudnt wurk neethur n fack is at furst i cudnt do much of nuthin cept lie in bed n watch tv n reed sum. n turnt out my laig wuznt heelin strate n them doctors wonted to do a operayshun to brake it agin n make it strate, but on a counta thay wuz no money n i wuz wurried a nuff bout the bills i dun had, i tole em id make do. miz deeanjello wonted to hep but i woodnt here't.

she wuz a grate nurs to me n she sed she wood wave the rent agin n when i ast cud i watch her wave it, she lafft. she wood cum in everday when mr deeanjello wuz a drowzin in front of the tv n we'd study us sum bibl n talk bout thangs n ifn twuz late a nuff, say 3:30 or so, she mite cunsider havin a glass of wine or sum vodka n squirt, n then she'd wont to talk n make jokes about her stripper bein laid up.

n turnt out she tole me more bout her life n that made me see her a bit differnt that i dun befor. she wuz born in see cawkus new jerzy n wuz razed cathlick jes lack mr deeanjello n turnt out thay met eech other at church. but thangs wuznt eezy, n one day she tole me sumthin that made her cry buckits.

whenever she wuz jes sizteen she wuz a'studyin the bibl n the catakizm n she fell in luv with a semunary studint. twuz tragickul on a counta the studint wuz a studyin up to becum a preest, witch in thar relijun revernds is callt preests n thay aint allowt to marry nor even have sex, witch i ast her dint that seem unnatcherul n she sed she reckont twuz but she hadnt never questchunt such thangs till she wuz much older. n then she fount the 'truth' bout bein a witness n all n she dint have to questchun thangs agin.

but the tragickul love dint seem to wont to leev em be n thay cum a time miz deeanjello, witch her name wuz mary flynn befor she gut mard n tuck mr deeanjellos name, so i reckon ye might should say, thay cum a time when miss mary flynn wuz spectin a chile n twood be the chile of the semunary studint only by then he might cud be made into a preest.

n turnt out mr deeanjello, witch miz deeanjello splaint how thay callt him johnny dee back then, turnt out he wuz rite sweet on her n he tole her he lovet her. n his love proovt to be true on a counta whenever she tole him her trubles, he never blinkt oncet n he sed everbidy makes miss takes but dint matter nun to him n he ast her wood she be his wife. n that chile wus a gurl n thay namet her ellen. she gru up to be a lawyer n movet to new york. n thay had em a secunt chile but he dint cum out so well n turnt out twuz a congentle thang, witch that mint twuz cawzed by thar genes n heredty n i nodded my haid lack i new whut she mint even tho i dint. n that chile died befor he wuz six, n thangs wuz never the same fer mr n miz deeanjello.

she kep sayin whut a good man mr deeanjello wuz n how good he treetid her. but fack wuz, she never forgot the preest n thay wuz times that she cudnt stand the site of mr deeanjello n thay wuz times it made her feel gilty how he wuz so good to her n she deespized him n hated the verr thought of tutchin him. n sumtimes she jes wisht she cud pertend twuz all a bad dreem.

then she splaint that she n johnny dee wuz a'goin together from middle skool. n thay wuz in hi skool whenever she fell in luv with that thar preest n she new twuz rong to betray johnny dee thataway. fack is, she almos wisht mr deeanjello wood do to her whut she dun to him. n twuz the furst time i ever herd innyone a'wishin to be done rong n i dint unnerstan it much till i wuz older.

then one day she woke me frum a nap n sed sumbidy wonted to see me n i ast her who but she dint say nuthin jes movet aside, n in cum darlene. miz deeanjello sed she'd go git a vase n pullt the door behine her.

darlene wuz a shure site to see, a'wearin a pink dress she dun new i lackt n white lacy socks n shiny patent lether shoos. n her brown red har wuz pullt back in a french brade. she had sum flowers, witch that wuz why miz deeanjello wuz a lookin fer a vase. twuz rite awkward till miz deeanjello cum back n the flowers wuz safely vaset up. miz deeanjello told us she wood be in the kitchen makin sum dinner ifn we needed her fer innythang n pullt the door closet agin.

we talked bout tha acksident fer a bit n then she ast to see the cast n i pullt up the covers n showed her how twent rite up n by then she wuz close a nuff to kiss n i cudnt say whuther i kisst her or she kisst me but we wuz so hot with desire till it felt lack luv n i have to add mitt i cudnt thank too strate.

n she cum everday n thar wuz kissin n tuchin n thangs pergresst to quite a state n i musta been a thankin poorly or sumthin on a counta sumhow i greed to let her use her savins to git me that thar operashun, witch she dun savet up a passle of money from her lowence n wurkin n whut not. n whenever she sed she wood pay fer that operayshun, that mint thay wuz no way i cud do innything but whut i dun.

witch i ast her wood she be my wife n a corse i new the anser whenever i ast the questchun.

life of buddy don, chaptur 15:
everthang is everthang n whut ye gone do?

miz deeanjullo uset to call me her stripper n masher. shed git to sayin such thangs oncet she wuz giggly from vodka n squirt n heres whart cum frum.

whenever i wuz a'wurkin in x change fer her wavin the rent, one of the jobs needed doin wuz to refinsh sum furnchur. so happent that i dun lartn how twuz dun n i tole her but she wudnt bleev me till i splaint how ye dun it n how i larnt it, witch ill splain direkly. oncet she new i cud doot good nuff to soot her, seem she had a passle of thangs that needed it. n that wuz all right on a counta i lacked that kind a wurk.

i cum to no that trade by wurkin fer my ant ruth at her junk shop, witch she callt it a anteek shop but whut she sold wernt nuthin but beat up furnchur. she she n uncle pappy wood drive up north to places lack virginny n cunneticut n delware n pennsillvany n haul back a trucklode of the mos gawd awful stuff ye ever seen. but uncle pap new how to fix em lack thay wuz new n then ant ruth wood sell em lack thay wuz presshus on a counta a bein anteeks even tho thay lookt bran new. n uncle pap tawt me the trade n wurkin fer them is how i saved the $72 i had whenever i lef home.

n the furst thang ye gotta larn whenever ye go to master the refinsh art is to strip the furnchur of the varnish n paint n dirt n gunk thats on it. ye wood be sprized whut peeple puts on thar furnchur. n ye call that 'strippin' the wood on a counta ye doot by porin this liquid callt 'strip' on the furnchur. n the strip gits that thar gunk to bubblin n ye kin scrape toff. corse ye had to be keerful on a counta whenever ye got strip on yer hands, twood burn wursen fire ants.

i splaint to miz deeanjullo how ye had to strip the furnchur furst n thats how she cum to call me her stripper.

she callt me her masher on a counta neethur she nor mr deeanjullo cud mash taters, witch whar i cum frum, yer born with the talent n i menshunt the portance of taters oncet n thay sed thay lacked em best masht but cudnt fix em thataway on a counta havin arthritis in thar hands. so i offert to show em whut i cud do n the way of tater mashin n seem lack thay wuz impresst. n thay lackt how thar wuz variyas kines i cud make lack butter n cheez or garlic or mash tater pancakes. n i tride sour creem, witch i larnt that from mr joe bob tanner whenever he bought me that stake dinner in chaptur 3.

n the deeanjullos thought twuz grand that i cud make taters, n thats how cum miz deeanjullo callt me her masher.

she wuz a all a'giggly n callin me both names whenever we dun stopped in this restrunt in san looey ohbispo fer lunch. she wuz havin wine after her dinner on a counta whenever she placet her food order she wonted wine n she bought too much on a counta the caraff wuz a better deal n then whenever we had dun et, she dint wont to waste it, n i greed with her that tiz a sin to waste thangs, tho fack is ye dont need sum thangs tall n aint a waste to loose em. n nuther fack is, when it cum to alkyhol, she wuz jes as lergic toot as me n my daddy. but i got no room to preech as ye gone see befor the end, not to woof.

she ast did i thank she wuz drunk n i sed ye cud say she wuz under the in floonce n that made her laff. n next she ast did i thank she wuz obscene n i tole her no but i did thank she wuz obherd, n that made her giggl so hard that whenever she cawt her breth agin she sed we better go. she draint her wine glass in a gulp n put a 20 dollar bill on the tabl, witch that seemt lack way too much but she sed not to worry bout it but i did innyway.

then whenever we gut back out to the car, she ast cud i drive the res of the way n i sed i cud so she clumb in the back in sted the front.

'I think I'll have a little nap, Bud,' she sed, a'yawnin. 'Dont let me sleep past San Jose.'

no dowt ye dun figgert out whar we wuz a goin, witch that wuz up to san fran cisco to see cud we git virgil offn drugs n brang him home. miz deeanjullo had dun brung her big bibl n she used it fer a piller. she sed i should drive keerful n i tole her i wood but she wuz a snorn befor ye cud say jack sprat.

twuz a long drive but i never gut lost even oncet on a counta thay gut these giant concreet rodes thay calls 'freeways' n oncet ye git on one, ye never turn nor nuthin cept maybe stop fer gas or food. i tride to wake miz deeanjullo in san hozay but she wuz daid to the worl so i stopt fer gas n i shuck her by her arm n that brought her a roun.

she ast wuz thar a ladees room n i tole her i reckont thar wood be but i hadnt checkt but thar wuz one i used n ifn twuz the only one twuz smellier than a outhouse. she sed that dint matter nun that she had to go no matter whut no matter whar n wood i be a doll n git her a squirt to drank n innythang i wonted n then she tuck a ten doller bill frum her purs in give it to me. the tank wuz neer emty n the squirt wuz 50 cent so i dint git nuthin fer myself n her change wuz still only four fifty.

i went back to the car but twuz emty so i went a'lookin fer miz deeanjullo n foun her finely in that restroom a wurkin on her make up, witch that wuz a good thang ackshully. she sed she had to look her best on a counta she wuz a'witnessin fer jeehovuh n right thar in that restroom we had wurds on a counta i dint wont her makin thangs wurse by preechin to virgil ifn he dint wont to heert, witch i dun new he dint, n she wuz a fitin right back on a counta she had a dooty to witness fer jeehovuh n spred his wurd. we went back n forth on whut we wuz a gone do n finely i dun quoted sum scriptchur my own self, the part whar yer sposed to shake the dust offen yer sandls ifn yer preechin at folks that dont wont to heert n that stung her sum on a counta it hit home.

so we greed on a genda she made up, witch it went thisaway. furst we wood eat our dinner n then she cud let me go see ifn i cud git virgil to cum back my way on a counta i also pointed out that the stoatses had dun ast me to doot not her. n whenever it gut to be nine i wuz spozed to meet her out in front of the restrunt, n then she wood git her chants to doot her way ifn twuz needed. n if twuznt i made her promis she woodnt say nuthin. n she greed to that on a counta i tole her id tell virgils parnts.

so we had dinner n i lef while she wuz finishin her wine, witch i dint say innythang bout that even if i wuz temptid.

tuck me a while to fine wherever virgil lived n then to figger which apartment on a counta the buildin dint seem lack twuz kep up. seemt lack thay wuz folks everwhar int n whenever i gut to whar he sed he lived, thay wuz a hippy thar with long har n strange close n he sed peace bruther n made that sine thay make with thar fangers n i sed same to ye, sir, n he lookt at me more keerful lack. i ast did virgil stoats live thar n the hippy seem lack he tuck a mint to git my point n then he sed yeah, virgil crashd thar, witch i ast ifn he wuz hurt in the crash n the hippy sed did i think i wuz funny or sumthin.

so i lef n walked a roun the nayburhood n fount me a place to stay whar i cud see virgils place, same as yed do ifn ye wuz huntin deer. thay callt the place the tender loin n thay wuz folks everwhar n thay cum in all kines, sum of em chinees n sum mexicun n sum black n sum white n mostem acktin lack thay wuz hippies. thay wuz all innermingelt till it was hard fer me to bleev on a counta that wuz the furst time i seen or herd tell of folks livin together thataway.

i have to add mitt i was mos amazed at everthang i was a'seein. most a stowndin of all wuz these wimmin thay had. thay wuz a strollin back n forth in front of the place i wuz a'standin n ever now n then thayd cum over n ast did i wont cumpny or did i wont a date n i thanked em n tole em i wuz a'watin on a fren of mine.

n purt soon, here cum virgil n myra jane. thay dint see me n i cud see thay wuz fussin over sumthin. virgil had a grocry bag n lookt lack he hadnt seen a bath in a while. myra jane wuz dresst lack them wimmin that wuz lookin fer cumpny n i dint no if i should inner fear but virgil saw me n hollerd wuz that me n i sed twuz n he run over n give me a hug n sed twuz groovy i had cum up n how long wuz i a'stayin n he had thangs to show me n places lack deeanjullo gate park n yew name it.

i wuz about to tell him whut i cum for but myra jane cum over n seem lack she cudnt tell i wuz thar but she wonted virgil to cum on. i sed hey myra jane n she ignored me so i sed virgil i cum to see cud i git ye offn drugs n brang ye back home. whut do ye say? i figgered warnt no point in wastin time trine to splain thangs on a counta ye cud see he wuz dun gone over myra jane till twuz a shame. dont git me rong we talkt a long while, witch thats whut made me late a'gittin back to miz deeanjullo. i neerly had him cunvinst n i thank he wonted to go but myra jane wood turn him her way n ast wuz he a man or a mous n i wuz thankin i cudda ast the same thang ceptn twood be rong.

i found miz deeanjullo a lyin down on a cot thay had in the manjers office back at the restrunt. thay sed she dun tuck sick n cudnt hold her dinner down n thay sed thay wudnt be no charge fer the dinner n wood i lack innythang n i sed i wuz a gone to drive back to lost angels so he give me sum coffee n even fillt up that coffee canteen miz deeanjullo brung. i gut her up n she thanked me n  i helpt her to the car n put her in back n started drivin.

n while i wuz a drivin, the hole thang wuz a goin thru my haid. them wimmin, fer instunts,  that wuz a lookin fer dates n cumpny -- tunrt out thay wuz ackshully men. thats rite, thay wuz men even tho ye never saw no sexier wimmin i dont care even if thay wuz men. n virgil n myra jane wuz frens with one n i met him or mayhap ye wood say her but he or she wuz mad on a counta he or she dun ast me did i want a date n i sed no.

n virgil tole me he dun tride pot n twuz wonderful but dint make ye crazy nor violint nor nuthin lack that but it made musick better n ye cud here new thangs ye never noticed befor. n he sed he wuz a gone trip soon, witch that mint he wuz a gone take sum lsd, n dint matter whutever i dun sed bout it, his mine wuz made up. n i dint questchun him bout it on a counta i cudnt help but wunder how twood be to doot.

fack is, the hole time i wuz tryin to convince virgil he should cum home, i wuz rilly itchin to do lack myra jane wuz a'sayin. as i drove, her voice wuz in my mine a sayin all that stuff about how ye gut to reech out n take a holt of yer life n have sum advenchurs n not sell out to the stablishmint. n whut about peace? n brotherhood? whut about art? n findin yerself? n makin musik? n feedin yer hed? life kin be a grate advenchur or a stoopid bore n then ye die. everthang is evethang n whut ye gone do? waste yer life wurkin?

n i had to add mitt that stuff wuz powrful indoosmint tho it dint seem to reech virgil so i ast him why dint we go. but then myra jane sed why dint we go git drunk n she lookt at me fer the furst time n virgil lafft in ast did i wonta cum n i splaint agin bout bein a lergic n sed i druther not.

but the hole way home i wunderd why i wuz the way i wuz.

whenever we got thar, i shuck miz deeanjullo awake n neerly had to carry her in the house. she tole me she wuz proud of me n sed thar wernt no better stripper nor masher either. i chucklet to be plite.

"You're a good boy, Bud," she sed, n fack is, that wuz jes whut i wuz, n when she sed it, seemt lack that wuz the problem. then she kisst my cheek n sed i shouldnt never change.

i tole her i woodnt, but i wuz lyin.

life of buddy don, chaptur 14:
hatchin a plan

oncet i had my own way of gittin aroun, i tuck to ridin that motorsickel everwhar n trine to see sum folks. corse, my wurkin nights mint i wuz in while everbidy at skool wuz out n when i wuz out in the daytime, thay wuz in, so i couldnt see my friens cept on winsday nite n then i had class. but i did my best to see sum folks n i cunfess i drove past whar darlene wuz a'livin a time or two or even mayhap mos ever day when i new she wood be in skool. i dint see her tall tho till after the acksident.

n i rode them hills of the 'see me valley' n thay wuz beeyootifull. saw whar thay made them cowboy n injun movies n got to whar i could take them sharp turns overn toe panga canyun jes lack i wuz a race driver, witch that turnt out to be rong.

thay wuz one place i gut to see sum folks, n that wuz over to the stoatses, witch that wuz virgils parnts n fambly. reckon i aint menshunt em yet, but i got to no em whenever virgil n i wuz still in skool n miz stoats wood pick us up n sumtimes id visit of a evenin n we wood talk bout musik n life n relijun n pall ticks n seem lack we hit toff rite well. thay lackt thar hard likker n thayd be a'drankin. thay had em a peeano n virgil could playt sum n i could figger sum meldies out n we wood take turns n dint seem to matter much whut we playd nor ifn twuz good neethur, longs mr n miz stoats had dun had a few of thar evenin dranks, thay thought twuz wunderful.

thay innerduced me to lots of thangs lack classkal musik n jazz, witch i dun herd of but hadnt never herd befor n twuz sum sweet stuff fer shure. thay also had em this stuff thay callt opry, but twernt all that good seem lack. fer one thang, the sangers couldnt sang in our lingo n fer a nuther thay wuz never no mandlin nor whut ye might call innythang hi lonesome. seemt lack a lot a catterwallin to me n couldnt touch the reel thang, witch everbidy nos thats the gran ole opry in nashvul.

but i listent reel careful n i figger ifn i herd the stuff a nuff, id mos lackly git to lackin it. thats how tiz with musik. aint nun of it all bad. virgil n me, we cum up with a quayshun bout musik that went thisaway: ifn ye lissen hard five times to the same song, even that artifishul opry, ye gone start lackin it mos ever time. thang is, thays folks that goes thar hole lives without ever oncet lissnin hard. mos folks jes use musik to keep the background frum bein too quite.

innywho after my last murkin gummint class, i drove by darlenes n then over to virgils on a counta thay wuz no way i could go home so urly on a counta id be awake all night by habit. i saw that all thar lights wuz a burnin so i parkt my bike n rung thar doorbell. thay wuz happy to see me n insistid i cum in so i did. thay offert me a drank to sellabrate my gittin shed of the gummint class but thay dint have no rc n i wudnt allowd to drank hard likker n thay sed wuznt i a dult n i sed i dint no fer sartin but i new i shouldnt be a'drankin on a counta my famblies a lergic toot.

that gut em a'goin n thay wundert how my fambly could be a lergic to hard likker n i tole em i dint no howt cum to be, but my daddy splaint whut happent whenever we wuz week or stoopid a nuff to drank it, witch we wood git rowdy n say thangs we ought not say n git in fites n genrully do thangs we ought not do n we wood wake up with god awfull hedakes the nex day n be dee hi drated, not to menshun thursty as dust n all. n thay lafft as if i wuz a'makin a joke, witch i wuznt. i tride hard drank later on in life, n turnt out that everthang my daddy claimt bout our how we wuz a lergic wuz true, right down to the hedake.

i tole em water wood be bes n thay brung me sum with ice, witch i never figgert out why thay had to be ice in everthang ye drank. wuznt water genrully the same tempachur as the air? but i never complaint n thay ast me how wuz virgil a'doin n i tole em i wuz thar to ast em the same thang n miz stoats started in to crine n astin dint virgil do nuthin to git in touch n dint i no whar he mighta dun gone? i tole em mos of whut i new, witch that wuz how he wonted a go to san fran cisco to hate ashbury. miz deeanjullo turnt up the tears a notch whenever i sed the wurds hate ashbury n mr stoats had to cum to the rest cue by sayin let me refresh that thar drank.

n by time he cum back with more likker fer him n his wife, she dun dride her tears. turnt out thay wuz wurried bout whuther virgil wuz on drugs n i tole em i dint no but he wudnt on em whenever i wuz last with him fur as i could tell n i dint thank he wuz in need of no medasin.

n whenever i sed that thay right thar tuck the time to straten me out on drugs by splainin bout marywanna n lsd n heroin n all kinda thangs, witch cum to fine out folks wuz a takin medasin even when thay dint need it but jes sos thayd be able to scape reeality n i had to add mitt virgil seem lack he wuz a wontin to scape whenever he lef. i wuz carefull not to menshun innythang bout myra jane.

so we hatched us up a plan, witch twuz that soons i herd sumthin frum virgil, id go up n see could i brang him back n git him offn them drugs he wuz scapin with. n woodnt ye no, i gut a lettr frum him the verr nex week n he tole me whar he wuz n ast why dint i cum up thar n see whut wuz happnin. so i ast dick screema could i have a exter day off n he sed i dun urnt me 2 n i sed thankee n he sed twuz his pleshur n he sed he hoped i membered that ye dont git paid ifn ye aint a'wurkin n i sed thays sackrufices ye have to make in life n this wood be one.

i tole miz deeanjullo whut i wuz a plannin n she seem lack she wonted to tell me i couldnt go but then she sed i wuz a dult n could do whut i lacked but but but n but, but fack is, she couldnt cum up with a but fer it. n she ponderd ont fer a bit n sed i shouldnt try to ride a motorsickle so fur n i had to add mitt i dint no how fur twuz n she sed she wood go with me n i sed ok on a counta whut else could i say?

n thats how i cum to take miz deeanjullo to san fran cisco to hep me try to git virgil offn drugs n to brang him back to his mama.