Monday, October 13, 2003

life of buddy don, chaptur 67:
tuther worl

that trip to new york wuz the furst time i noticed how i dint fit in with folks as good as i reckoned. twuz a lil wurser thanks to them classes i wuz a'takin in the sprang quarter of 1977, witch they wuz concepts of women, animull liberayshun n german.

to start with the obveeus, german, witch i wuz thanking fer sum reason wood be a lil easier to larn than spanish on a counta so many of the wurds looked lack ye could tell whut they mint frum the gitgo. but twuz a powerful hard thang to larn on a counta they used cases whar in english we use wurd placement fer the most part. n that wuz a hard thang to pick up on. thang wuz, by time i wuz in that class, i wuz six or seven years older than most innybidy else in class, incloodin the teechur, witch her name wuz regina bishop n she speckted us to call her by her furst name regina on a counta she dint have her docters degree yet. thay wuz times in that class whar it seemed lack only regina n me had inny noshun of whut we wuz a'studyin or why n it hepped that i wuz so serious on a counta i needed all the hep i could git in that class.

animull liberayshun wuz anuthern that made me wunder did i cum frum a differnt planet than other folks. seem lack everbidy takin the class wuz a'doin it to show the perfersser jes how stupid the idee of liberatin animulls really wuz. corse lots of em cum frum farms n the lack, n thay had dun been in the habit of lookin at animulls as thangs on a counta ifn ye make yer pig a pet, yer gone have trubles when tiz time to slaughter it.

but the points the perfesser wuz a'makin had to do with the concept of whuther it made sense to treat animulls thataway n whuther the worl wood be a better place ifn we treated em lack they had rites of thar own. so lots of time wuz spent in that class splainin how thar wood ackshly be more food fer folks ifn we dint eat meat on a counta how it takes moren 16 lbs of grain to make 1 lb of meat. n thang wuz, ye mite speck at lease one other vegetariyun to show up fer that class, but i wuz thonly one.

n wurst of all, i wuz thonly man in the hole concepts of women class n that seemed to annoy the teechur, witch she wuz a woman name of docter arnott only we wuz spozed to call her miz arnott. turnt out nun of them women in that class wuz too good a playin the grades game n that wuz whar i gut on miz arnotts bad side. one of the main wayz to win at the grade game is to git reddy for class befor yer in it, witch ye got to read everthang n see kin ye unnerstan it, n ifn ye cant, be reddy to ast the questchun furst thang in class sos ye will unnerstan it n make the teecher thank yer the bes fer astin, even tho twuz sumthin ye couldnt ritely unnderstan.

ye gut to member how yer teechur has got to git thru the class period, so whutever ye do to hep that along is a'gone hep ye to win at the grade game. miz arnott wuz one of them teechurs that lacks to ast the questchun, witch that means she wood talk fer a short spell n then ast sum questchun. i had dun larnt long befor then that ifn ye have a teechur that asts the questchun, ye kin hep keep the class movin along by knowin sum of the ansers n razin yer hand to give em.

ye mite thank this kinda hep wooda been welcum, but twernt in the lease n the reason tuck me about half the quarter to figger. turnt out it wood make miz arnott mad that thonly person takin the class all that serious wuz thonly man in it. talk about bein on the inside n feelin lack a outsider! she made me feel lack that the hole quarter long, n i half to say, i sweated that grade moren mos inny i had gut till then. fer the paper we had to rite, i spun up a tale bout socrates n a female slave i made up n give the name of superfluous fer a joke, witch the tale wuz a dialog bout how even a woman could figger out thangs bout equality n such n seems lack it made miz arnott laff. lease thats whut she tole me whenever she callt me aside at the end of the quarter to splain why she had been quote lookin past my hand unquote whenever twuz razed to anser the questchun. it had gut so i dint raze it, but ifn nobidy had the anser, she wood call on me innyway.

i gut strate a marks agin that quarter, but twuz the hardest one yet. i wuz speshly pleased bout the german, witch it tuck more wurk than inny corse i had yet tuck. i wuz glad to take the summer off, n i hoped to spend more time on the farm n git to whar i felt lack i belonged thar.

but twernt to be. the mane thang wuz how everbidy had thar problems with quote the suzie bitch unquote. twuz one of the shames bout the church of the callus basturds, witch ever man on the place had to tell whut he dint lack bout tutherns gurlfriens n seem lack mos of the bad blood wuz spillt bout susannah. seem lack the bigget cumplaint wuz how she wonted all my free time n how i wonted to give it to her. n thay wuz cumplaints ifn i lef ranger with em n cumplaints ifn me or suze tuck him over to her place to stay. n the biggest cumplaint of all wuz how suze wood say, 'bu - u - ddy' in a way that mint she dint agree with whutever i wuz sayin we ought do or remindin me of sumthin i had dun promissd her.

thay wuz times when virgil or brew wood spend thar time trine to cunvints me to brake up with her. n thang wuz, i mite have dun it ceptin fer the way they wuz a pushin fer it, witch that made me wonta keep on with her all that much more. n it made me wonta sleep over at her place much as i could. n that made em mad.

but twernt yer logickull mad n heres why. suze wuz a'lookin to buy land n git her arkateck friend to design n build her a house on it. we spent jes about ever weekend a'lookin fer land till we finely found a lot or two out in claxton. she gut everbidy upset with her on a counta how she talked the seller into sellin two lots fer less than double the price of one, witch wuz grate, only then she tride to sell one of the two lots to her bes friend fer near the price of both of em. n that gut everbidy to talkin bout how greedy she wuz, witch they wuz willin to do the same kinda thang on a dope deal, but not on land.

but whut made thangs near intolerbull wuz how i ast suze did she wonta move in with me while her place wuz a'bein built. once mj heard bout that, she called fer a council meetin n tole everbidy i couldnt jes move folks in n out lack i had dun alreddy dun with lesalle n randy fox. n brew jumped in n sed he dint thank he oughta half to share his house with suzie on a counta he needed his privacy. i wonted to ast bout how twuz that he had gretchen thar, but i wuz sick of the hole fuss n fite by then.

turnt out suze dint lack bein out on the farm much moren they wonted her thar n even tho nobidy wuz sayin how they felt bout her rite in frunt of her face, she could tell thay wuz animossity a'goin on. n thang wuz, we had such a grate garden that year n spent hours n hours n hours wurkin together on gittin thangs canned: beans n tomaters n tomater sauce n spaghetti sauce with no meat in it n apples n apple butter n blackberry jam n more than i care to member.

n whenever we wuz a'doin sumthin lack that, seemed lack everbidy wuz happy till we wuz smokin the after dinner number n suze gut to whar she sed, 'bu-u-ddy' n that mint twuz time to go to bed, dint matter whuther twuz in mine or hern, witch eethur choice wood git folks a lil riled on a counta ifn twuz my bed it mint everbidy had to git quite or go home frum the big house, n ifn twuz her bed, then we had to leeve while the party wuz still a'goin. n they blamed her fer this, but twuz me that wonted to git to bed early.

during this time, i wood go by to see eli mos ever evenin. he wuz livin in canton hall by then n wuz still only gittin 30% disabilty. he had tuck to ritin pomes n i wood go by n ifn i wuz lucky, he wood read me a few, but he wuz rite shy bout em. they wuz good pomes n i could see he wuz the real deal whenever it cum to ritin. twuz livin he couldnt handle. n we wood git to talkin bout thangs, n with eli, that mint talkin bout the fack that everbidy is a'gone die n then whut? n he wuz sayin they wuz all asleep, witch he labeled them quote sleep sheep unquote. he sed twuz his return fer the favor they had dun him by labelin him schizophrenic.

n that gut us to talkin bout tuther worl. n thang wuz, even ifn nobidy wonted to admit they bleeved in it, everbidy had a idee bout it. we figgered the mos common thangs folks bleeved wuz the followin: (1) folks go tuther worl whenever they die, (2) thays angels n demons in tuther world accordin to the bible, (3) thays no reason why murkles wood only happen in the bible n that mint they wuz still a'happenin n (4) murkles is jes sumthin that happens whenever thars a openin twixt the two worls.

twuz along about this time that we read that book by kierkegaard name of fear n trembling, speshly the discusshun bout abraham sacrificin issac on a counta ifn sumbidy wuz to try the same thang in our day n age, abe wood be locked up n isaac wood be farmed out to foster parnts. ours wuz a age that dint bleeve in murkles lessn they cum frum science.

but eli dint take it thataway. he sed murkles wuz still a'happenin, n one thang that kep the sleep sheep asleep wuz how they couldnt tell when a murkle happened. ifn they could, they wood wake up. n eli sed i wuz his spirtchul twin n thonly differnts twixt the two of us wuz how he wuz crazy n i wuz undiagnosed. n i tuck that as a complimint n part splainayshun bout why i felt lack i wuz a outsider but it dint git me off the topick.

n heres how i speckulated bout it. fer one thang, to live life day after day, ye gut to let thangs settle into whut ye kin perdict n all, n purty soon, yer not noticin much of innythang. everthang gits to be covered up in everdayness. ye git to whar ye dun seen mos everthang a hunnert times befor. purty soon, nuthin much eggcites folks lessn it steps out frum the false everdayness of thangs almos to whar it seems lack tiz 3 dimenshunull when everthang else is 2 dimenshunull. even tho everbidy claims theys rashunull n scientifick n all, fack is, theys verr superstishus. thang is, we git mos eggcited by thangs we cant splain with science.

corse, to the outside worl we pertend that thangs is rashunull n scientifick n that makes folks thank we aint crazy, but in our mos private momints, when it cums time to cunsidder whuts really importunt, seems lack reason sits down n superstishun stands rite up. we wont sumthin more, eethur gods, dying gods, ghosts, witches, magick, stars, moon, tarot, divinayshun, alchemy, yew name it. we git fed up with keerful scientifick splainayshuns of thangs n we cum to realize that we cant git to the secrets of the universe till we face them parts of our ownself whar thangs cant be splained. n at that time, i could look at the worl we had created with reason n science n it dint seem so good, speshly since the main thang we dun with our reason n scientific knowledge wuz to cum up with moren more horrbull ways of killin each other.

ifn ye take this to the eggstream, then ye mite start claimin ye bleeve thangs science cant proov. n ye should git reddy fer the mental helth clink ifn ye let folks know that ye bleev in tuther worl or thank ye kin communicate with folks in tuther worl n so on. lessn yer a'doin it in church on sundy, ye ought not try it atall on a counta folks is gonna thank yer crazed. n thang is, eli wuz usin that verry method in trine to git up to 100%, witch he finely dun it that summer by gittin put into the vee a (veterans administrayshun) hospital in nashvull, brakin out, gittin put back in, n finely cumin out after near two munths with his 100%, witch twuz the lass time he ever wurked at shoneys.

n how did he git em to lock him up? he ast his hed shranker did she bleeve in the bible n whenever she sed she did, he ast bout the demons n angels n did she bleeve them parts as well. n she gut to splainin the o'fishull scientific mumbo-jumbo on thatn bout schizophrenia n all, but eli sed twernt so n he could proov it, only she woodnt take nun of his proofs since thar wuz always other ways of splainin thangs, witch thats whut science is really all bout. but he insisted that thay wuz still angels n demons n he could hear em talkin n they sumtimes wuz nuthin but a tormint but sumtimes they wuz inspirin. he offerd to show his shrank sum of his poetry, but she dint thank it could have inny place in his therpy.

he gut whut he needed out of it, but i wuznt satisfide in the lease. i could see whar i wuz wurried bout how i couldnt bleeve neethur end of the line that runs twixt scientifick reason n mysticull dogma. i ast myself overn over agin whut wuz real, n i couldnt find the anser on eethur side. science dint seem to have no sole nor hart neethur on a counta ifn it did, how could it be cumin up with thangs lack newtron bombs n bigger highways n a rearranging of the elements of the worl into piles of sludge or in landfills. on tuther hand, i couldnt bleeve whut i wuz readin frum folks that claimed to have been in tuther worl, folks lack edgar cayce, bishop pike, jane roberts, aleister crowley n all em otherns.

thang is, i knew thay had to be more to life than meets the eye or even the quote i unquote. science seemed lack a monster n mistysism seemed to make monster outta folks n both seem importunt to folks, but witch is rite? n part of the reason i am ritin bout this is how i speck ye must wonder ifn i fall fer everthang that cums along. am i a crackpot? jes a nuther drug user? i had dun been fooled by test tubes n weejee bords n tarot cards n proofs n dreams n thang is, i figgered i wuz livin in bof worls, witch my mind wood be the rashnull part that wonted to live in this worl with nuthin more magickull bout it than material laws that kin be discovered n manipulated n all, but my hart would be the one that wonted to live in tuther worl whar thay wuznt nuthin material atall.

n since everbidys gut to die, the questchun seemed lack twuz the mos importunt of em all, even tho mos folks lacked sleepin better, witch ye kin see the attrackshun of elis idee bout them sleep sheep. n fack is, it seemed lack all the folks i knew mite as well have dun give up on tuther worl: (1) even eli ignored everthang but his own intuishun n thar wuz times when he n i knew he wuz claimin to hear a voice tell him to do sumthin that he wuz alreddy a'wontin to do innyway; (2) virg seemed lack he wuz afraid he mite find sumthin that dint agree with how he dun cunclooded the worl oughta be; (3) mj bleeved she had dun found it and that innybidy that disagreed with her wuznt nuthin but assholes, witch thonly problem with that wuz how she couldnt splain whut it is she had found; (4) brew thunk twuz all a game: 'let's put on sum musick n git hi!'; (5) suze kindly lacked to discuss idees that dint come close: she could bleeve innythang with her mind but nuthin with her life ceptin whutever mite hep her git richer than she alreddy wuz; (6) darlene wuz a scientist n she had dun claimed back in the weejee days that the questchun wus moot n therefor uninnerestin; (7) daddy claimed he had dun figgered out that thay wuznt nuthin but quote whut meets the eye unquote; (8) randy fox claimed the anser could be found thru senshul playshure n colleckshun of material items; (9) my sister roena may wuz pregnunt n that sed bout everthang ye kin bleeve, witch ima gone splain lots more bout roena may direckly; n (10) corse thay wuz mama, who bleeved in makin up her face n dressin the part of a sofistickated woman, her anser bein whut she called elegants. n i could go on, but yer gittin the point.

durin this time i met a guy who made me wonta change how i wuz livin. his name wuz bill or bob or sumthin n he wuz the boyfrien of the woman suze tride to sell the land to. he played gittar n cum over one time to jam with me. we smoked a joint n played fer a few hours n then gut to talkin. he sed he had quote put down the surch unquote on a counta he sed focusin on it wuz keepin him frum findin innythang he mite be surchin fer. n we gut to talkin bout books n all, n i could see he wuz much more serious n advantsed bout his surch than i ever wuz. it seemed lack he wuz trine to make hisself sumthin wurthy of knowin the truth. n i hadnt never seen it thataway n wonted to change.

he splained bout gautama buddha n other such folk n it hit me hard n i felt shamed that i had tuck the easy way out ever time. that i wuz lookin fer a push button anser. n i could see that he wuz rite, that ye couldnt git the truth into a unwurthy vessel, n i could feel jes how unwurthy i wuz. i hadnt even read no thomas mann, fer instunts, n he wuz splainin how ye couldnt unnerstan the 20th centry without readin the magic mountain. n thats jes the tip of the iceberg of all he tole me n how small i felt afterds.

i gut to feelin jes that much more lack a fake n a outsider wharever i went. i gut a idee how far thangs had gone twords the end of that concepts of women class. i wuz quite sprized when one of tuther students ast me out on a date, witch i wuz fixin to tell her bout suze n how i couldnt when she sed she wuz hopin we could trip together n mayhap git past the material worl to find the truth quote beyond the veil unquote. she wuz a purty thang n she had her own acid n i knew i dint wonta make a life with suze. so why woodnt i wonta take her up on her offer? i tole her twuz on a counta i wuz alreddy in a relayshunship n she tuck it fine. but thang wuz, it seemed crazy to thank ye could git the truth bout tuther worl by gittin so hi ye could barely thank.

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