Thursday, October 02, 2003

life of buddy don, chaptur 65:
a dream cum true

as the winter quarter wuz nearin its end, i wuz studyin my classes, witch i wuz takin inductiv logick, deductiv logick and western civ, and i wuz studyin magick bout as hard as i had ever dun. i wuz gittin reddy fer the visit to quote the house unquote n i wonted to git as prepared as possibull. i wuz also wurkin graveyards, so i fell back into the bad habit of takin a lil nap ever nite.

heres the way thangs genrly run. i wood git in by midnite n spend a lil while ritin in my diary. then i wood wurk on thangs carbide needed, ifn i wuz the lease behind or had real wurk to do, or i wood study. mosly, i wood study, but since my classes in logick dint need much in the way of reedin, i wuz plowin thru them crowley books n other books on mistysism. long about 3:30 or 4, i wood eat my dinner while readin one of them books. after dinner i wood wurk fer a bit, but purty quick i wuz jes too tired to keep my eyes open.

ye probly cant pitcher this place all that well. twuz a huge factry buildin, two stories that wuz each maybe 100 feet high filled up with old equipment, witch mos of it wuznt bein used but only rustin. them bildins wuz mosly deserted overnite. thar wuz a offus complex on one side whar they kep the xerox machine n the conferents room n that wuz whar all the big bosses wood sit, only twuz locked at nite. n the offus i had wuz on tuther side of thangs, over in the ackshul factry part of the place. the offus wuz only sum walls n glass put up in the middle of the controls overlookin part of the factry. twernt a place mint fer a offus, but whenever the place wuz built, the dint know computers wuz a'gone cum along to play a role. the cumputer lived downstairs in a speshul room with extry air cundishnin n they wuz folks down thar lookin at the controls n all, but thay wuznt nobidy up on the secund floor. the only lite up thar wuz in my offus n the exits.

the point is that twuz a spooky place. thay wuz plenty of creaks n odd noises n rushin wind on a counta thay wuz plenty of holes whar the wind frum outside could leak in n make noises. fer the mos part, this never botherd me nun, but thay wuz times when i wuz takin naps that i gut real scared. lots of that had to do with the kinda thangs i wuz a'dreamin durin them naps.

i rote mos of them dreams down in my diary, but i wont bore ye with em. they wuz about whut ye mite speck frum a mind that wuz spendin all its spare time readin bout the occult. sevrul times i dreamed bout a evil woman n a power struggle twixt the two of us. i dreamed bout the dead risin frum thar graves n trine to cum in on me. i dreamed i wuz awake n couldnt move my bidy n in the dream i wood member bout how i wuz dreamin n sumtimes i wood find myself a'lookin at my own bidy from the outside. n thay wuz many other dreams that wooda made a good horror movie on a counta i wuz fillin my brain with occult matters, n it wuz burpin em rite back at me as lil scary dreams.

but the dream that hurt me mos wuznt bout no occult matters. twuz bout my suze blues. in that dream we wuz ice skatin, witch we hadnt never dun nuthin lack that befor. in the dream, we had cum to the skatin rink by coincidents n dint know tuthern wuz a'gone be thar. but we met up n gut to skatin round together n playin. we wuz havin a grate time a'weavin in and out of tuther skaters n laffin n half dancin as we glided round the rink. then thangs suddenly changed up n we wuz  lyin in a field of grass. seem lack we jes then noticed how we wuz together fer the furst time in a long time n she tole me sumthin lack, buddy, i dont never wont us to be apart no more. corse even in my dream i had to injeck my lil piece of anger so in sted of givin her a kiss, i tuck to splainin how i hated her attatood.

then the i had a long belch that woke me up n i sat thar at that desk with a achin hed n hurtin hart n dry throat n wunderd why did it half to be that our dreams could tortchur us thataway? n fer a while, i wuz mad as could be at her n i even rote bout how i hated bein that mad on a counta it mint i must care a lot more fer her than i wonted to add mitt to my ownself, n that made me even madder till i wonted to say i hated her, but as they say, thars a thin line tween luv n hate. n that dream happened on march 8 of 1977.

i menchun that on a counta twuz a dream that cum true, only it tuck 2 weeks to git a'goin. twuz on a thursdy nite when i woke up n checked my mail n thay wuz two thangs in it. one wuz my grades, witch i gut a nuther 4.0 fer that quarter, n tuther one wuz a letter frum susannah. i wuz sprized as could be whenever i saw the ritin on the envelope n i tore it open to see whut it could be. heres whut she had wrote:

Dear Buddy,
     Forgive the Xerox and the stoned out writing. But I have been wanting to tell you, somehow, for a long time, that I didn't just forget about you, and I want to tell you how much I care and love you and think of you all the time.

twuz one of them thangs i dint even know i wuz a wontin, so ye mite could say i dint beware of it lack i mite shoulda dun. as i tuck my bath n gut reddy fer wurk, i couldnt git my mind to slow down in the lease. fack is, i wuznt nuthin but a bundle of emoshuns n idees that dint all fit together. i couldnt hep but still care fer her n bleev i still luved her, but i wuz full of anger n resentmints n bitter memries.

i wonted her n i wonted to remain free. n i wonted to keep in the search n sum kinda way i knew that i couldnt do that n be with her at the same time. i needed to let thangs be the way they wuz.

but whut i dun wuz sit at my desk fer hours trine to rite her a letter back n of corse, since i genrly finish my assignmints, i gut thru thatn too. i tole her that i luved her but that i couldnt take her part time n wonted all or nuthing. ifn she wonted to wait till i wuz dun with skool, then she needed to be with my while i wuz a'goin to skool. ifn she wonted to meet me at the end of the rode, then she needed to walk that rode with me. ifn that woodnt wurk, mayhap we could jes say our goodbyes all over agin. but i also rote that i luved her in eethur case.

that mornin, i couldnt wait fer the mail to run its corse, so i give su a call n sed i had gut her letter n wrote her back n she sed why dint i brang it by her offus rite then. twuz more temptayshun than i could resist, so i  dun it n a blind fool coulda seen how eggcited i wuz.

if thays such a thang as magick, ye mite could say we wuz under the spell. the air wuz sparklin n we wuz verr happy to see each other. we talked bout a hour n sed everthang we thought we had to say. finely i wuz reddy to go, n she ast did i wonta do sumthin that weekend. i ast whut she had in mind n ye kin jes magin my sprize whenever she ansered she wonted to go ice skatin.

by that time, i wuz a'wurkin a new skedule, witch i cum in at 1 pm n wurked till 9 sos i could go to skool in the mornin but still have time at wurk when everbidy wuz thar. fer that reason, me n su decided we wood go out on saturdy nite n jes res on fridy. in fack, i wuz registerin fer classes that verr friday n i gut signed up fer three of em, witch two wuz flossofy classes, one called animal liberation n tuther called concepts of women, n tuther wuz german, witch the reason i wuz a'takin thatn wuz i figgered since i wuz makin nuthin but a marks ceptn fer the golf class, then it oughta be possibull fer me to git sum kinda skolarship or fellaship to study in europe. i picked german on a counta i had dun give spanish a lil try in hi skool n twuz clear i wuznt a'gone be able to larn that particlar lingo.

innywho, i gut up on saturdy mornin n virgil n mj n me gut daddys rototiller to wurkin agin n we dug up sum ground sos we could plant thangs lack taters n onions n sweet peas. this wuz our second year, n everbidy had his lil seckshun of the garden to make n twuz a hole lot more fun n we grew lots more.

while we wuz wurkin thar we gut a visit frum eli n trudy, witch she had dun broke up with oscar clowder who she gut together with after the faltz pregnuncy. they had em sum crystal t n trudy cum up n leaned into me n ast did i wonta go down in the woods with her n share sum of the powder, n jes to be polite i sed twuz a temptayshun but --

-- n rite then, here cum the but, the orange vw that splained all the buts i needed at that momint so trudy sed sumthin ugly to me n went off into the woods n su cum up to me n give me a kiss n ast could she hep but i tole her she wuz dressed up too purty but could she wait till i wuz dun n she did n then i went to take a bath n she ast could she hep by washin my back n she knew the anser.

i gut dressed n we went to eat at los charros over in fort sanders near ut n the hole time i wuz jes a'lookin at her n feelin so glad we wuz back together. we had only been apart fer a munth, but it seemed a lot longer on a counta we both thought twuz a'gone be ferever.

durin the meal we wuz talkin bout sumthin i had writ fer my second western civ class, a essay name of 'the witness: my credo,' n i wuz rite proud of it on a counta docter sheffield rote on it how twuz the bestn he had dun read n whenever he gut to whar he wuz jes sleep walkin thru life, he wuz a'gone read it agin.

n i tole her bout a program at utk they had called collidge skolars n how one of my flossofy teacher, docter smith, ast me why dint i git in it, so i wuz applyin n i wonted docter sheffield to be my tutor n i wuz a'gone put in that essay as proof i wuz wurthy. n ifn i gut in, i wuz a'gone half to rite a senyer projeck, witch my plan wuz to rite a novel n mayhap the witness: my credo wood be the start or end of it or at lease a part of it.

n she wonted to read it all the more whenever i tole her that n she sed she wuz thankin mayhap tyhe collidge skolars plan wuz the rite thang fer me on a counta i mite git to whar i wuz ritin books that made lots of money or at lease made her folks thank she had dun marrd sumbidy.

n that wuz the furst time we had ever used that wurd 'marrd' bout us n seemed lack it jes gut us more wurked up than ever. she insisted on payin the bill on a counta she wuz liberated n had to proov it ever now n then n fack wuz, she lacked to keep thangs bout as even as could be. whenever we gut out of the restrunt, she turned n grabbed me n sed, 'i love you, buddy don duncan.' i tole her the same by sayin, 'i luv you, susannah leah bilder.' twuz quite a momint.

then we went skatin n twuz a lot lack my dream. afterds we went home n had sex all nite n then we went out in her canoe on sundy n thangs wuz much better on a counta my new skedule.

or lease, they wuz better fer sundys on a counta i dint have to git in bed so early. but durin the week we had conflicks frum the git go on a counta i wonted to git in bed by 10 n she wonted to stay up a lot later. but we wurked thru it purty good n thangs wuz fine fer a few weeks.

then we went to a party at sum of her friends. i dont member all thar names n we dint see em much, but the arkateck wuz thar, witch he wood build her house whenever the time cum later on, n thay wuz lots of otherns that wuz real hi class with degrees n good jobs n all. n i wuz feelin so in love with her that whenever we gut back in the car n i wuz bout to drive off, i stroked her head n tole her i luved her.

n sum kinda way, that led to a fuss n fite whar she sed i dint have to pet her n she dint wont me to pay her tribute. n frum thar, we gut to whar we woodnt say them wurds no more n i gut to whar i dint wonta show her no affeckshun nor nuthin, only we wood still had sex.

twuz near the end of the nex quarter at skool by then, n all i could thank wuz that i had gone so far long in ever search fer everthang. n sumhow i wuz jes gittin back to the beginnin, whar i couldnt be happy with a woman n dint wonta go back to not havin one. a dream had cum true, n i shoulda been glad but it jes gut me to wunderin if twere the fate of all folks to be alone, no matter how many folk they mite have round em.

me n suze  spent most ever free momint we could together, but sumhow, frum that moment when i made the miss take of strokin her hed, everthang we did jes reminded me of how lonely twuz to be alive.

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