life of buddy don, chaptur 94:
home in a box

tiz odd how yer hole way of thankin changes once ye have a place of yer own. befor we found that lil box of a place to live, frankfurt wuz a cold n awful place. the folks wuz greedy, grabby n rude as could be. ye couldnt hardly git thru a three hour stretch without sumthin happenin to make emily cry.

then we gut that lil apartment, the 10 foot by 10 foot cubickull 'mit kuhlschrank, bad und parkplatz,' witch that mint the place had its own bathroom n that kuhlschrank thang that i dun splained wuz a tiny fridgerater with two hot plates n a sank. ye mite could thank twuz no big thang to have a bathroom, but thay wuz plenty of places we herd bout whar ye had to go outside yer apartment to take a bath or even jes to pee or take a dump. as fer the 'parkplatz,' since we dint have no car, that dint make much sense to us tho twood cum in handy by n by.

innywho, once we gut the keys to the frunt door of the buildin n the frunt door of the lil box, we gut rite to cleanin it up. twuz infested with cockroaches, witch we wuznt never able to git em out cumpletely, but lucky fer us, they dint lack to be a round when we wuz n they purty much kep to thar hidin places ceptn at nite whenever we wuz out. ye could here em scramblin to hide whenever we cum home after dark. ever so often i wood try killin em all n we mite not see one fer a week or so, but they wood always cum back.

one sprize wuz how thay wuznt no closet in the place, so that meant we had to go buy us one, witch we found a cheep thang made of aluminum frame with a plastick cover that ye had to stretch round it. ye gut in n out of it usin a zipper. it give us a place to store sum of them soots mama bought me n to hang up emilys dress, witch she wuz smart a nuff to brang jes the one.

we also had to git sumthin to cook with n that led to a fuss n fite on a counta emily hated spendin money moren innythang. she went along with the closet, but when i sed we should git sum pots n pans n dishes n eatin utensils, ye wooda thought i wuz astin to spend our money on a rollex watch. i won thatn by calculatin whut twood cost to eat at the cheepest place we could fine, witch that wood be macdonalds. we could git out of thar with our bellies full fer dm8 - dm10, but ifn we et thar ever meal thar, we wood spend much more on food than on rent.

so she give in on it n we went to the local kaufhof, witch that means buy palace, n bought stuff: (1) a pan with a lid; (2) a pot that could use the same lid; (3) two dishes n two cups n two glasses n two soup bowls; (4) two forks, two knives n two spoons; (5) a spatula; (6) a big spoon sos ye could stir a stew; (7) a chefs knife witch that one cost a nuther fuss n fite; (8) sum dish washin detergent; (9) a sponge; n (10) a lil more food than ye could git into our lil fridgerator, witch twuz hard to bleeve they could call sumthin a fridgerator that wuz so small ye couldnt git a lil turkey to fit inside, not that we ever tried, but ye git the idee bout how tiny twuz.

once we had dun that, we went to the hauptbahnhof n gut the res of our stuff, witch that wuz the trunk of stuff i brought n her tv. once we gut home, we tuck to fitin bout how she wonted to plug in that tv. she had a lil adapter thang to make it possbull to plug it into thar outlet on a counta they had misshapen outlets in the wall whar ye couldnt git a reglar plug in. ye had to have a plug made of two lil round posts, witch she had bought this adapter thang in looseburg that ye could plug in yer reglar plug on one end n have them lil round posts on tuther. i tole her twood kill the tv ifn we plugged it in but she sed she had dun ast the fella that sold her the thang n he promissed twood do no harm. i pointed out how it sed rite on the piece of cardboard the rapped round the adapter how ye ought not use it fer pluggin in a tv, but she sed she had dun ast about that. i sed twuz her tv so she could do whutever she wonted.

our apartment wuz on the ground floor n lucky fer us, the window on it swung out lack a giant door sos ye could use it to git into the concrete yard they had out back. frum thar ye could git to the dumpster, witch i dun jes that whenever that tv gut fried n she agreed thay wuznt no hope of gittin it to wurk agin on a counta how sum parts had melted.

ye mite could be thankin how emily wuznt tuff a nuff fer the thangs we wuz a'gone thru, but ye wood be rong. in my life long observayshun of folks i have noticed how the ones that cries n cumplains the mos is the ones that survives. when ye cunsidder all we wuz a'goin thru, she dint cumplain much, tho her tears wuz easy to flo. she carrd her own luggage. she add mitted twuz stupid to kill the tv. she never cumplained bout eatin the same thang ever nite, witch fer the longes twuz fried taters n bread n cheese or eethur a stew that i wood make n we wood keep eatin fer days. she give up marlboros n tuck to rollin her own cigarettes on a counta twuz about 1/4 the price. she gut a plan bout how she wuz a'gone git a job at a army base, witch she tried that but twuznt to be.

she had good reason fer wontin that job on a counta our money wuz verr low. by time we had bought all the stuff we needed to hang up our cloze n cook a meal, we wuz down to jes dm500 in the bank, witch dm360 of that wuz fer the nex rent. we had maybe dm80 in cash. nex time we wood git paid wuznt september furst lack i thought, but october furst.

whar had all our money gone? we had to spend mos of it on the house of youngns n eatin out befor we could cook but speshly on kautions or deposits. ye had yer staatwerk kaution fer gas n electrick. ye had to pay the po-leece, witch they call em polizei, dm60 each fer a aufenthaltserlaubnis or residence permit. mayhap thar wuz other fees that i dun fergot. innywho, we wuz near broke n had a munth n a half to go till our next pay.

but we had sum money we wuz hopin to cum back to us. whenever we wuz plannin the trip, we sined on fer sumthin they call das experiment, witch the idee wuz we wood git to live with a real german fambly. only problem wuz they woodnt let ye move in till the middle of october, witch that wuz too late. we had sent em dm700 befor they splained when we could git thar. they also dint splain how the closest place we could git a fambly to take us in wuz in mainz, witch twuz a train ride fer dm5,10 to git thar, so twernt sumthin we could use. we wuz also specktin dm200 frum the d-a-a-d, witch they had promissed us that money sos we could use it a'gittin started.

on top of that, we wuz bof sick. i hadnt had much asthma fer years, but frankfurt wuz so polluted that it seemed i wuz on the verge of a attack mos evertime i tuck a breath. she gut a sinus infeckshun n purty soon i had it too. we dint have our health insurance yet, but we did git us sum medicine fer asthma name of columba that dint take no perscriptshun n turnt out to be bettern whut i gut in amurka.

befor we found that, i had a bad attack one nite, bad a nuff to wake us bof up. thay wuznt much we could do, but emily membered how walkin hepped, so she gut rite up n made me git dressed n we insisted we take a walk. i add mitt i dint wont to on a counta how the asthma had dun made me tired. but she woodnt take no fer a anser, so went walkin in the middle of the nite.

we walked to the hauptbahnhof n then up to die englische brueke n then cross the city. we saw all the nite peeple out, sum of em in bars whar folk wuz wearin leather n a'carryin whips. near the hauptbahnhof, we walked past porn shops whar they had pitchers rite in the winder wurse than inny 'axe murder' pitcher oscar clowder ever cum up with. mos everthang ceptn them bars wuz clozed. twuz quite, almos spooky, but we wuz sprized at how safe everthang felt. ye wood thank twood be a lil dangers to be out a'walkin in a big city lack that, but we saw ole women walkin to the train a'carryin thar bags, or famblies cumin frum the train, children trailin behind. we wuz tole to be keerful, but we dint see nuthin that scared us.

twuz a verr long walk but i gut to whar i could breathe ok agin n we made our way home. we gut back as the dawn wuz brakin. we wuz bone tired. but we cum in to that tiny place, clozed n locked the door, n gut down on that foam rubber couch/bed n snuggled up. emily wuz snorin by time i wuz feelin cumfterbull. i could see the lite or mornin cumin round the edges of the winder. i felt warm n wuz breathin easy.

i member it well, even now, that feelin: twuz the feelin of home, of bein in our place, our lil home in a box.

life of buddy don, chaptur 93:
ich bin auch aus

i gut to frankfurt west germany on thursdy, august 2, 1979. emily gut thar near a week later on windsdy, august 8. i wuz up early since it seemed lack i couldnt hardly sleep normal times n wuz awake mos ever hour or so. corse i wuz at the airport a'waitin fer her to cum thru, n whenever i finely saw here agin, twuz lack christmus n birthday n jackpot all at once. we had us a real good mint huggin n kissin n all.

then she ast whar did we live. twuz one of the wurse momints yet on a counta i had to tell her we wuz a'stayin at the house of youngns in sachsenhausen, witch furst thang she ast wuz whuther twuz in frankfurt or whar wuz it? i splained how twuz a toursty seckshun of frankfurt but part of frankfurt, jes across die englische bruecke, witch thats the same bridge mark twain rote about in his essay the awful german langwage whar he claimed ye could rite a sentence frum one end of the bridge tuther without givin away whut wuz happenin in the sentence since the mos importunt part of the verb wuz held till the las.

i wuz kindly hopin the refernts to mark twains essay wood make her happy, but i dint hardly git to whar the verb wooda been ifn ida been talkin german befor she wuz crine. i tole her thangs wuz hard here n that mos everthang wuz closed on a counta it bein august, witch even tho she wuz a german historian, nobidy hadnt never mentchuned to her how the germans takes august fer thar vacayshun.

that made her cry all over agin, but i paid my 50 pfennings to pee n ducked into a stall whar i stole her sum toilet paper so she could blow her nose. then i loded up her thangs on one of them carts n gut her to the train so we could git to the hauptbahnhof in frankfurt. she couldnt know how minny miss takes i hepped her to miss makin on a counta i had dun made so minny. fer instunts, i dint bother takin nuthin we dint need to the house of youngns. i wuz sprized how she had brung a tv n a converter with her, but i dint say nuthin. twuz a differnts twixt us, how she lacked to watch tv n i dint much care fer it.

innywho, thay wuz more tears reddy to fall whenever we checked in at the house of youngns n she larnt we woodnt be able to shar the same room n that we wood be plunkin down dm10,10 fer each of is ever nite, witch in germany they use commas whar we wood use periods whenever thar ritin down thar prices fer thangs n sted of usin a dollar sign, since they aint gut no sign fer thar money, they half to put 'dm' fer doytch mark ever time. bout the time she gut her eyes dry n sed she wonted to take a shower, i tole her she wood half to wait till they allowed em agin, witch ye couldnt git one past 10 am n had to wait till 4 pm fer em to open agin. that wuz hard a nuff, but when she noticed i wuz buyin a exter token sos she could git her one today on a counta the free token wuznt good till nex day, them tears cum out agin.

she gut herself up into her room on a floor that wuz fer women only n then we tuck a walk sos we could start lookin fer a place. corse our luck wuznt no better than mine had been, n purty soon we wuz sittin on a bench on the sachsenhausen side of the main river with her in my lap a crine her eyes out n wipin em on my collar. thay wuznt nuthin ye could say till one of my laigs fell asleep n then i sed i needed to walk a bit. sides, we wuz almos late fer lunch, witch they give ye three meals at that house of youngns ifn yer thar fer em, witch mos folks skips lunch.

they wuz servin sumthin we hadnt never had befor, witch twuz sumthin called 'linse suppe' n bread n apple juice. twuz almost impossibull to eat n we wunderd whut twuz. i had my langensheits dickshunerry with me n looked it up, but it dint tell us much on a counta we hadnt never herd of lentils befor. we et all we could stand n filled up on bread n butter n apple juice.

then we had a lil bit of good luck. try as she mite, n mayhap she had dun give up trine, emily couldnt stop crine n that gut the tenchun of a fella name of helmut frum bayern, witch thats the real name of bavaria. he wuz a true gentleman n the furst german we had met who dint insist on speakin english with us. he had to add mitt how he dint ever larn english on a counta he wuz a german n dint wonta go to no amurka nor england neethur. he could speak him a smatterin of french n italian n dutch n english, but jes whut he called 'taxi sprache,' witch that means taxi langwage n taxi wuz one of the bonus wurds ye git in german thats the same in bof langwages. he splained a lot bout how thangs wurked n showed us whar we should be lookin in the papers fer folks advertisin thar apartmints. he splained how thay aint no reason to go to no immobilienmacher till yer had dun found yer place. turnt out to be a verr useful bit of info.

then he dun sumthin i aint never fergot on a counta how twuz one of them deeds of kindness ye dont see that much. he tuck us out fer a real dinner, sumthin he sed wood be 'typisch deutsch,' witch thats pronounced toopish doytch n means typical german. we had sum kinda noodles with meat n fried tater pancakes n salad n bread n a bottle of wine he insisted on buyin. whenever he gut to orderin deesert, we tole him all along we couldnt afford no such meal, but he woodnt here nuthin we sed bout it. we ast fer his address sos we could pay him back whenever we gut a lil money, but he sed he woodnt take no money. he ast us to member how he had hepped us n mayhap sumday we could hep sumbidy jes lack he had dun. he wood cunsidder that payback. nex day he wuz gone befor we gut up.

that day wuz a wasted one, but we cummenced a'usin helmuts method n the day after that, witch twuz fridy, we foun a place on ginnheimerstrasse, witch strasse is a street n ginnheimer is the name of thatn. they wuz a fella livin thar frum iran name of gomez on a counta how his daddy had moved to iran frum argentina. he wuz rite nice n tole us we mite could have the apartmint only since twuz so small, witch twuz 10 feet by 10 feet with a tiny lil bath n whut they calls a 'kuhlschrank' that wuz combinayshun frigerator, sink n a cuple hot plates that tuck up a bit of one corner, thay mite be a problem. turnt out thay wuz a rule bout how only one person could live thar, but he sed he wood hold it open till tuesdy to give us a chance to go by the immobilienmacher n see if thay wuz innyway to git the rule bent a lil.

we spent the weekend trine to be happy n see sum sites, but i cant member doin nuthin but wurry bout whuther we wuz a'gone be able to git that apartmint. finely mundy cum n we went to the immobilienmacher. twuz as humillyatin a eggsperients as i ever had, but when we showed the man how we had cash money n wuz reddy to give it n to sine a piece of paper bout how we wuz happy to live thar, he let us have it. corse, he tuck dm720 frum us fer kaution or security deposit, n that dint leave us much.

but we dint cumplain. in sted, we set out walkin cross the city till we gut to ginnheimerstrasse n rang the bell fer herr gomez. he let us in n tole us he had held it n we could move in the nex day. he innerduced us to frau seykova, witch she wuz the woman who tuck care of the buildin. she cum frum hungary n she dint hardly bleeve two folk wuz wontin to live in such a tiny space, but whenever we insisted, she ast whar wood we sleep? we dint have no anser, but herr gomez cum to the rescue, splainin how he wuz a'gone leeve the couch he wuz usin fer us to sleep on. turnt out that couch wuz really jes two flat piece of foam rubber bound up in a ugly orange n red cloth n ye could spread it out to make a bed that wood take up mos of the room.

finely frau seykova wuz satisfide that the crazy amurkins wonted the place n she give it her blessin. after she lef, we shuck hands with herr gomez n tole him how nice he had been. we ast him why he had dun it on a counta he coulda gut sumbidy else to rent the place in sted of waitin fer us. he laffed n sed we wood unnerstand soon a nuff.

we ast whut he mint, n he sed sumthin that meant he wuz also a forner: ich bin auch aus.

life of buddy don, chaptur 92:
blind hillbilly in a land of germs

lots of the folks i wood meet in whut they lacks to call the ex-pat communty over thar in frankfurt west germany wood refer to the germans as 'germs.' twuz speshly true whenever ye went on a lil 'blitzreisen' or quick trip to sum other cuntry lack italy or france n thar them germ wood be in packs with thar money belts roun thar wastes n sum kinda guide a'givin em a lil educayshun bout whut they wuz a'seein. tiz a ugly wurd, i know, n duz eggzackly whut my daddy sed such ugly wurds duz, witch they change a persun to a thang, but we wuz trine to survive n whenever ye run into sumbidy who could unnerstan yer frustrayshuns, ye wernt lackly to cut to conversayshun on a counta them callin germans 'germs.'

i spent everday frum early till late trine to git set up so emily woodnt face no terrbull hardships whenever she arrived, but twuznt to be. fer one thang, twuz august n mos everbidy wuz out sumwhar on vacayshun. fer a nuther, i wuz mitey sprized to find that the folk in frankfurt, at lease, the ones with money that is, wuz as close to the awful stereotype of jews as inny deepickshun ye ever seen cum out of vienna roun the turn of the centry: ever whar ye turnt, they wuz graspin fer money. ifn ye dint have nun or dint have a nuff, ye were treated verr bad. twuz a shock n mayhap twuz only sumthin to do with the diffculty of gittin started, but i couldnt hep but find myself thankin i had never met nor herd tell of inny real jew acktin the stereotype out as well as them germans wuz a'doin.

sum eggzamples: when i gut up the furst day, i larnt ye had to pay fer use of the shower only ye gut this lil token with yer room that wuz good fer six mints of water. i had fergot to brang soap n shampoo, n ye had to buy that, witch ye mite speck em to have them lil thangs of soap n shampoo lack they do in amurka, but thay jes wuznt nuthin free atall. ye had to pay to pee. ye had to pay to git eine tute, witch thats whut we call a shopping bag, whenever ye went to buy yer shampoo n soap. thang wuz, ever inch of ground wuz cumpletely under cuntrol n ifn ye wonted inny thang atall, ye had to pay fer it.

but that wernt thonly sprize i run into. one night i shard my room with three polish students. they could all speak good english n german n since i wuz amurkin, they woodnt thank of testin my german, try as i mite to git em to. they wuz fascinated with my cuntry n they wonted to know three main thangs: (1) wuz it true that folks in amurka made jokes about polish folk bein stupid? (2) wuz it true that folks wood by gigantic gas-guzzlin cars? (3) wuz it true that gas only cost 1/4 as much in amurka as in europe.

i wuz a lil ashamed to admit all three of em wuz true, but thar reackshun sprized me. corse they wuz miffed that amurkins wood make jokes bout em, but they figgerd twuz better to be noticed than not. lease we wuznt makin jokes about 'the negro,' rite? i splained that ye could git the punch line to mos inny joke that used 'polack' by usin 'nigger.' i speckted they wood find that a lil insultin, but they seemed happy bout it. they lacked the idea of black folk jes fine n felt lack they wuz bein complimented by bein put into the same group. as fer thar other two questchuns, when i sed twuz true, i figgerd twood upset em. fack is, they started talkin thar own lingo with each other lack crazy soon as i sed i figgerd twuz about rite, only i had a lil truble figgern it fer shore on a counta how we used gallons n they use leeters, but i figgerd twuz close a nuff. seemed lack they wuz gittin wurked up, so i finely ast whut wuz they a'sayin, n one of em sed, 'we wonta go to amurka! what a cuntry!'

i also had sum more german roommates, witch they wuz the kind that make ye wonta use the wurd 'germs' to deescribe em. all they could talk bout wuz three mile island n our 20% inflayshun rate n our forn policy n how evil they bleeved amurka wuz. they dint speak no english n twuz impossibull to defend our cuntry with my german, so i couldnt do much of nuthin bout it cept git riled, n then they wuz makin jokes bout how easy twuz to rile yer averidge amurkin. twuz mitey frustraytin.

i spent my days trine to git into whut they call immobilien or real estate offuses sos i could check on gittin us a place to live. twuz awful humiliayshun fer me. furst thang they wonted to know wuz how much money did i have in my bank account, witch thay wuznt much on a counta how i dint have much to put in even ifn i put all of it in. so i couldnt never git past that questchun fer all the days of trine, witch meant thay wuznt no place fer us to live when emily finely gut thar.

but furst, thay wuz other trubles. after i had slep at that house of youngns fer three nites, they announced how ye wood half to move ifn ye dint blong to the club of the haus des jugend or ifn ye had slep thar fer three nites, witch i wuz disqualified fer a nuther nite on bof counts. i dint even know ye could join n i wished i hadda dun it, but twuz too late.  ye couldnt join in time to stay the forth nite, so i had to move.

i ast whar wuz the cheepest place ye could sleep fer a nite n larnt bout a pace name of hubertum, a 'pension,' witch thats the german wurd fer a cheep place to sleep fer a nite. twuznt so cheep neethur: i had to pay 40 of them doytch marks fer the one nite, witch that wuz four times as much as the house of youngns wuz chargin.

i still had all my stuff with me, so i gut to draggin it tords that pension. i hadnt gut a block when these two guys from afghanistan that i had jes met cum up to me. one of em ast did i need inny hep n tuthern gut into a fite with him bout it. by then the furst one had dun tuck my trunk n put it up on his back n picked up one of my two sootcases. they wuz arguin, half in thar lingo, half in english. seem lack the one heppin me wuz happy that we wuz agin the soviets, witch ye mite member how the ussr had dun invaded em roun then. tuthern sed the us n the ussr wuz jes alack n ifn the us had the chants to invade afghanistan, they wooda dun the same thang thar ownself. lucky fer me, the furst guy dint bleeve it n whenever we gut to that pension hubertum, i tride to give im a five doytch mark piece only he woodnt take it. they went off, still arguin, n i never saw neethur of em agin.

that day i went n sined up fer the fambly plan of the house of youngns, witch that meant i could move back in. i kep trine to find a place with no luck n i couldnt even do much on a counta the hole place wuz near shut down. stores in thar vershun of the mall wuz clozed. mos all of them immobilien places wuz clozed. i had dun spent near 200 doytch marks n only had a nuther 1474 lef till we gut our pay frum the d-a-a-d on september furst.

after near a week, i wuz bone tired n near broke n moren a lil scared bout whut wuz a'gonna happen. wurse, emily wuz cumin the nex day. but thay wuz no turning back. that nite, i barely slep. sumbidy tuck my glasses frum rite nex to my bed, but i musta been dozin then. i never gut em back n frum then till i gut a new pair, everthang in frankfurt wuz kindly a blur.

i felt kinda lowdown, lack a blind hillbilly in a land of germs.

life of buddy don, chaptur 91:
rang my bell

one of the longest days of my life wuz the furstn in west germany. fer sum reason, jes as quick as i kissed emily good bye, i gut to thankin bout that day randy fox n i wuz drivin round lookin fer a bag. he had punched up the radio n thar cum on a song that we bof hated, witch twuz a disco song name of 'rang my bell.' it gut in my hed, n no matter how i tride, i couldnt git it out the hole time i wuz travelin frum knoxvull to frankfurt. i figgerd twuz lucky i wuz goin to a nuther cuntry so i could escape thangs lack that n finely git sum real cultchur.

n fack wuz, by time i gut to west germany, i wuz too tired to member much of innythang including that song, witch that wuz a blessin. but that furst day wuz still one of the longest n hardest of my life. heres a few of the steps:

(1) emily drove me out alcoa hiway to mghee-tyson airport n kissed me good bye;

(2) i tuck a delta flight frum thar to chicago, whar i larnt how the plane i wuz on wuz late gittin to chicagos o'hare airport, so i missed my lufthansa flight, witch fer sum reason folks wuz mad at me, but they had to do sumthin, so they put me on a plane name of klm, witch thatn wuz the royal dutch airline;

(3) i had to sit way in the back of thatn in thonly seat lef, witch that made it impossibull to sleep, speshly with that bell a rangin in my hed, but the food n wine wuz grate;

(4) we landed in west germany round 8 am cordin to frankfurt clocks, witch my watch still thought twuz 2 pm on a counta twuz still on knoxvull time;

(5) lucky fer me, they had these lil carts ye could git fer a doytch mark coin, so i loaded up all my stuff on one, witch i had way too much luggidge includin a trunk, two suitcases n my backpack with books n notebooks n my diary;

(6) i had to pee, so i parked that cart near the wc, witch that stands fer 'water closet' on a counta thats how folks used to thank indoor plumbin wuz lack a closet with water whenever they furst cum up with indoor plumbin;

(7) as i wuz peein, a woman cum over rite nex to me so she could make sure i dint make the place dirty, witch twuz so clean ye could eat offn the floor, n i had dun been warned that thay wuz women in the west german bathrooms n that they wood be specktin a tip, so i put a doytch mark coin in her lil plate;

(8) whenever i cum out of the bathroom, sumbidy wuz lookin over my stuff, but they run off the instunt i gut thar n far as i could tell, they dint git nuthin;

(9) i pushed the cart to the train stayshun, witch lucky fer me they had put a train stayshun rite thar at the airport, witch when ye thank bout it ye mite wunder how cum we dont try that more often in amurka;

(10) i gut all my stuff on the train n rode it to whut they call the hauptbahnhof in frankfurt, witch thats whut they call the mane train stayshun ona counta 'haupt' stands fer 'hed' n 'bahn' means 'train' n 'hof' means castle or buildin or whutever n ye mite could notice how them germans luvs to make new wurds by stickin a hole strang of em together with no spaces betwixt em;

(11) my luck held at that thar hauptbahnhof on a counta rite away i found one of them lil carts to rent, so i put all my stuff on it n cummenced scoutin the place fer a clue bout how to git to the johann wolfgang goethe-universitat, witch thays spozed to be two lil dots called a 'umlaut' over the a in universitat, but ifn i put it in twill turn to trash whenever i publish, so ye gone half to magine thays thar;

(12) bought me a map fer ten of my doytsch marks, witch twuz a good map n emily n i used it the hole time we wuz thar, but i still couldnt tell frum it how i wuz spozed to git my stuff frum whar i wuz to whar i wonted to be;

(13) so i tride out a lil of my german n ast a fella at the informayshun place how do ye git to the university? n my luck begun to run out whenever he anserd on a counta how he wuz talkin way too fast n pointin off tords the traffic n he musta give me four paragrafs of instuckshuns outta witch i reckon i only gut the wurd 'durch,' witch thatn means 'thru,' so i looked off in the die reckshun he wuz a'pointin in n shore a nuff, i could see whar thay wuz a tunnel n i figgerd he wuz a'tellin me to go thru it;

(14) found out the cart couldnt git outta the train stayshun on a counta how they had put sum lil gard rails on it that woodnt fit past sum poles they had put rite in the openin, witch twuz a desine flaw far as i could tell, but i tuck my stuff off it n drug it thru the tunnel n cum up on tuther side n found myself on a traffick island with no escape;

(15) drug all my stuff back to the same informayshun fella n used my german to ast him the same questchun n also to splain how i had jes cum frum amurka n could he talk slow a nuff fer me to unnerstan, witch he asnerd that by sayin, 'why didnt ya say so, mac?' a'usin the same accent archie bunker had n turnt out he had dun lived in brooklyn new york fer ten years;

(16) tuck the notes he made showin me how to git to the 'strassenbahn,' witch thats means street train n looks jes lack them trolley cars they used to have in lots of amurkin cities befor they gut rid of em, ceptn the ones in san francisco fer the tourists;

(17) tuck that strassenbahn to whar the university wuz n drug my stuff roun it till i foun a offus that wuz open n went in n started usin my german n splainin my plite, witch they switched to english n told me i had dun cum at the rong time on a counta how twuz august n everbidy wuz on vacayshun so i should cum back in september fer hep, witch that wernt one of the opshuns, so i ast wuz thar innywhar a bidy could sleep fer lil or no money, n he laffed n sed maybe the youth hostel;

(18) drug my stuff back to that strassenbahn n rode back to the hauptbahnhof n drug my stuff to the informayshun fella n ast him how do ye git to the haus des jugend, witch that means house of youngns, n he splained how twuz in a place name of sachsenhausen n showed me how i coulda jes stayed on that strassenbahn n made mayhap one change n gut thar by now, witch i pall gized fer usin his time n gut to draggin my stuff back tords that strassenbahn;

(19) drug my stuff frum the strassenbahn to the youth hostel n gut thar roun 2 pm accordin to frankfurt time;

(20) witch thar i finely gut a bed n made the miss take of trine it out;

(21) woke up roun dusk n deecided twuz time fer me to investigate the town, but furst, i gut a cup of coffee n a place to sit n rote a long entry in my diary trine to splain everthang i had dun been thru.

whut i dint know by this time wuz how luggin all that stuff roun had dun give me a ruptchur of my hernia, but i wood figger thatn out quick a nuff. i made friends with sum of my roommates, witch thay wuz three germans who wuz travelin roun thar own cuntry on thar urlaub, witch thats the wurd them germans use fer vacayshun. we talked fer a while till i tole em i wuz hungry n wonted to know whar could a bidy eat. they tole me they wood take me to thar favert place, witch they also switched to english as quick as they herd my acksent. we walked fer a while till we cum to a macdonalds, witch i tole em i wuz hopin we wood eat in a place that wuz german, witch they wonted to splain how macdonalds wuz german a nuff, but i sed i wuz specktin german food lack vienerschnitzel or sumthin to that affeck. so we tuck a long walk till we found a place that wuz ackceptabull to all n then we et a great meal, cumplete with wine.

after the meal, we went back to the haus des jugend n sed aufwiedersehen, witch thats whut ye say in sted of good bye n it means till we see each other agin, only i never saw em no more on a counta they wuz checkin out the nex day n dun it befor i gut outta bed.

i couldnt sleep rite then. the night wuz warm n beeyootiful. i lacked the way thangs looked in sachsenhausen, witch twuz a tourst trap only i dint know it then. i wuz thankin bout how i wuz in the land of cultchur, reel cultchur, n how i wuz a'gonna here mozart n beethoven n yew name it, cultchurd folk, n see plays with live folks acktin in em n read grate books.

i wuz lookin out frum the frunt of that youth hostel n ye could see rite across the main river, witch they pronounce 'main' as ifn twuz 'mine.' whut do i spot but a lil street fair of sum kind a lil downstream frum whar i wuz. i figgerd i wood walk down n git me a beer n see ifn i couldnt drank in a lil culthur that verr nite.

twuz a bit of a stroll n then i had to figger how to git thar, but that map wuz a goodn so i purty soon found whar i wzu a'goin. thay wuz rides n lil stalls sellin cheap tourst stuff n all. i walked round, gut a beer n found a place whar i could sit by the river. purty soon i hear sumthin familiar: twuz that infernal song, witch ifn ye know bout thatn, ye dun know how tiz as hard to git out of yer hed as one of them carts wuz to git out of that thar hauptbahnhof: rang my bell.

life of buddy don, chaptur 90:
a marrg made in looseburg

i dint have much to do in the summer of 1979 cep wait till me n emily could git marrd n go to west germany, but that wuz hard a nuff. twood a been easier ifn ida been wurkin, but ye dun been told how that went rong. we deecided we wood spend a good part of the waitin times apart, her in looseburg, me in oak ridge, bofus with our famblys, witch that meant she stayed with her her mama maureen mos of the time, but she wood drive to clumbya n stay with pete smith, witch that wuz her dad in case ye dun fergot.

but the grate thang bout time is how twill pass even ifn it runs slow when thar aint much that needs doin, n pass it did till emily could cum fer a visit n to git me to go back with her fer the ackshul event. she wuz cumin in on a fridy fer the weekend n after that, we wuz goin back together fer the marrg.

one of the last thangs i dun befor she gut back wuz spend sum time with randy fox doin whut we had dun a hunnert times befor, witch that wuz to drive roun listnin to musick n lookin fer a bag of theevil weed. corse we wuz talkin over everthang thar wuz in our past n all. i hadnt seen much of him frum the time he had gut marrd to jenny skinner, witch that marrg lasted near two year, but she lef him fer a woman that wurked in a bar in midtown, so randy gut im a deevorce frum her. now he had lots of time.

turnt out he wuz rite sweet on maisie, only by then she had been livin with oscar clowder fer a lil over a year. on that particlar day, a windsdy as i recall it, he wuz verr happy on a counta how maisie had cum to talk to him bout maybe movin out on oscar. he wuz shore he wuz a'gonna git her now.

whenever he wuz talkin bout her, he sed sumthin that i shoulda paid more tenchun to, but ye kin magine how i wuz purty wrapped up in my ownself. but i member it now, witch he sed ifn maisie wuz to go back to oscar he mite have to kill im. i ast him why, but he woodnt say nuthin ceptin he had his reasons. they wuznt never friens to speak of in the furst place n randy lacked to talk bout whut he wuz a'gone do with one of his guns, witch he had a reglar colleckshun of em guns. he even claimed he had im a uzi. so i missed sumthin thar that i wished i hadda caught.

but as he kep sayin, twuz my time, not hisn, n he wonted to git us sum of theevil weed to celebrate with. we had to drive all the way to newport, but he gut a cuple bags almos by acksident on a counta how the price wuz much better, witch it turnt out brew needed a bag, so randy made a lil profit n made brew happy at the same time.

brew wuz about to take lil vacayshun with liza beale, witch she had moved out to the farm by then n that led to brew n me havin mayhap our wurst ever fuss n fite on a counta he had tole me back whenever i wonted to move susannah in with me how thay wuznt no way she could till they had started construckshun on her house n i gut the fuss n fite goin by astin did liza have a house under construckshun? but twuz a foolish fite fer me to pick on a counta i wuznt never gonna live thar no more, witch i dint know that then. sides that, i had dun rented my room to maisie, so i dint have no real cumplaint.

innywho, emily cum on fridy n randy had a lil party fer us at his new apartmint n me n maisie n gretchen n mj drove over n gut thangs goin. a lil later we wuz sprized when maisie had to leave all a sudden sos she could git back to oscars befor he gut home at 11. ye could jes see how mad it made randy fer her to go, but turnt out thay wuznt no way she wuz gonna cunsidder gittin serious bout no randy fox even ifn she did lack how he had lots of good drugs lack percodan.

emily n i spent the nite at randys n then drove to mamas on saturdy. i spent the day gittin the las bits of crap notes reddy to take to the typist, witch ye couldnt do nuthin in this worl that wood impress emily moren that. fer the nex cuple days we run a bunch of errands to git reddy fer the marrg n trip to west germany: (1) gut my blood tested, (2) gut my glasses, (3) gut the title fer the beetle n swapped it over to eli n (4) closed my account at the bank of knoxvull. corse mama had to give emily a bunch of cloze, moren she could ever use. fack is, she never did wear em. that wuz whar we gut the mexican weddin dress, witch ima gone splain that by n by.

then we borrowed daddys care n drove back to looseburg, whar they had a nuther party fer us with pete, as everbidy includin emily called her daddy, n milton n his fambly n the res of the looseburg gang. twuznt inny differnt frum ever other fridy nite thar. lots of cigarretes wuz smoked n everbidy drunk hard till midnite n then we drove pete n milton home, witch jackelin n savannah had dun lef earlier n pete wuz jes too far gone to drive innywhar.

nex day we hepped makin lil horse duvers, as maureen lacked to call em, witch they wuznt nuthin but lil balls of biskit n sausage or celry with creem cheese or olives in a bowl, that kinda thang.

ritin bout them sausage balls reminds me bout how i give up bein a vegetarian whenever we wuz gittin reddy to go to west germany. fer one thang, emily dint have no innerest in eatin no vegetables that she dint have to n she lacked pork chops at lease once a week not to menchun fried chicken n hamburgers n stake now n agin. i tride makin differnt meals with one fer her n a nuther fer me, but twuznt easy to do n sides that, i figgerd since a lot of german cultchur is expressd by the german vershun of sausage, witch they call it a voorst only tiz spelled 'wurst,' then n it made sense to eat sum n git as much of differnt kinds of cultchur frum the eggsperiencts possibull.

that evenin we had the rehearsal dinner, witch thay wuz a slew of folk thar: mama, daddy, brew, pete, maureen, nanny, emilys grandmother n bout eight or ten ants n uncles, randy fox, virgil, mj, jill, donovan, milton, jackelin, savannah, the preechur n his wife (dont member thar names!), emilys cuzin jan n a frien of hers name of patty who wuz maid of honor, witch twuz thonly time i ever seen her, n corse the marrg lady n her husbin, witch thar name wuz aiken.

furst we had the rehearsal, witch thatn went jes fine, but the dinner wuz a nuther thang. twuz held at a place name of cross restrunt, witch twuz the bestn fer miles aroun only twuz meant fer drankers, witch that mint we sat thar drankin n waitin fer our food fer nigh onto two hours. emilys grandmother wuz a diebetick, so she had to have sumthin, n pete n milton bofem gut to bein a lil sloppy drunk n nanny wuz a teetotler n dint lack seein folks git drunk n the preechur had dun give sermuns on the evils of likker n sister had hurt her back so sittin wuz painful.

purty soon thay wuz lil fuss n fites all roun the table till emily couldnt take it no more n broke out crine n run outside. i follerd n ast whut wuz rong n turnt out she wuz blamin everthang on her ownself, speshly the way her daddy wuz acktin. corse maureen follerd me n then here cum pete. sumhow maureen knew jes whut to say to git everbidy more or less happy agin n by then, the food had cum. but emily never fergot how pete embarrsd her at her rehearsal dinner n twuznt till he gut sober that she wood speak to im much.

after the dinner, milton insisted on gittin randy n virgil n brew n me to cum over to his place sos we could drank the nite away. i dint much wonta doot on a counta i wuz dun tired, but we went n even tho we wuz beggin fer the evenin to be over, milton woodnt here of it till near 5 am looseburg time, witch that wood be 6 am in knoxvull. brew had been beggin the hardes to go, so he wuz happy twuz finely over. virgil wuz too drunk to do much ceptn let randy pore him into the back seat. i wuz the closest one to bein sober, so i drove n dropped virgil off at maureens n randy n brew at the rutledge inn, whar they wuz a'stayin.

milton wonted to talk to me sum more so he direckted me to drive out to the graveyard. we found his mamas grave on a counta how he wonted to innerduce me. so thar we wuz, reverntly talkin bout mamas n luv n respeck fer yer fourbears n whut really matters in life n all. by then the burds wuz awake n chirpin lack crazy. twuz gittin gray in sted of black n i wuz bone tired. i felt honored bout how milton wonted to take me thar n tell me bout his high regard fer his mama so i figgerd twuz sumthin wurth doin. jes as thangs wuz gittin to whar he wuz feelin sentimental, he sed, 'goddam!' then he wuz kindly snufflin, or so i thought, so i turnt away to let him be in peace. nex thang i know, hes takin a piss rite thar on his mamas grave. then he tole her bout how he luved her n with that, i wuz finely free to go to the motel.

twernt but three hours after that that milton wuz knockin on the door to git me up. i hadnt hardly slept nun nohow on a counta how i wuz so eggcited bout gittin marrd n goin to west germany. i tuck my shower n gut myself all gussied up in the best of them three piece soots my mama dun bought me n nex thang ye knew, thars virgil n me in the back room of that church with the preechur, waitin fer thangs to cummence. n woodnt ye know it, right then we gut to talkin bout whuther pi is a priori n all n then twuz time to go. as we wuz walkin out, i ast him wuz marrg a priori n he bust out laffin n could hardly hold it fer the hole weddin.

but twernt so fer me. we gut up in the frunt of that thar presbyteryan church a'standin lack we wuz soljers at attenchun while we wuz a'waitin fer the ushers, witch they wuz brew n randy n milton, to git dun settin everbidy down. i wuz verr sprized to see how weird walter had cum on a counta i hadnt even tole him i wuz gittin marrd, but turnt out he lived in clumbya n his mama knew pete n he figgerd he mite as well cum. i wuz jes wunderin how he had gut thar when the organ cummenced playin that weddin march. at that the door opened to let in the brite sunshine n fer a mint ye couldnt see nuthin but a silluwet of emily n pete in the brite lite. then the door closed n yew could see em.

twuz a momint i wont never forgit. emily wuz dressd in a white weddin gown with a veil over her eyes n her hair wuz french braided n she had a lil dab of makeup on. i hadnt never seen her in no dress befor nor with no makeup nor with no braided hair n i hardly knew she wuz so beeyootiful thataway. seemed lack her she wuz a angel n thar wuz tears in my eyes n a lump of luv in my throat till i dint know could i say innythang, even 'i do,' but i musta sed sumtihin on a counta befor ye could say jimmy crack corn, twuz over n i wuz kneelin in frunt of her n pullin off that lil lace garter n pitchin it to randy, witch he had ast me to do that on a counta how he wonted to git marrd to maisie n he figgerd he could use all the hep he could git.

thays this blur of a memry in my mind of that afternoon n the party we had n the peeple we saw n the pitchers that wuz made n the likker that wuz drunk n mos of all how much in luv with emily i wuz. i had been thru a lot, witch ye know ifn ye been readin up to here, but i hadnt never been in luv lack that befor.

nex day we went to nashvull to have our honeymoon, witch we dint do much but see a movie n eat out n then go to the gran ole opry the day after n then over to clumbya so pete could give me a bag of theevil weed. twuz quite a welcum sprize as ye probly magine.

ye mite could have noticed how eli dint cum to the weddin. he gut all upset bout it n went to tell docter koch bout how he felt lack killin hisself. they put im in the vee a hospital thar in nashvull, so i went to see im. i half to add mitt i felt awful guilty bout it fer sum reason.

i brung him a copy of the furst half of either/or by soren kierkegaard.  but even when he wuz verr happy to git that book, that feelin of guilt didnt leeve me. i reckon tiz on a counta i know i wuz partly to blame fer him gittin sick this time. but whut kin ye do? ye gut to live n ifn yer alive, ye mite wonta do well fer yerself n all. it aint that i dun all that grate, but i reckon he wished he coulda finished skool n gut marrd n tuck a trip sumwhars. ye could easy magine how he mite could be jellus of all the tenchun i wuz a'gittin. tiz a hard fack, but ifn ye gut a bruther lack eli, doin innythang good mite hurt im sum kinda way.

that furst visit only lasted maybe fifteen mints, but i went back nex day n we had a better visit. her red me sum thangs frum kierkegaard n sed he wuz happy whar he wuz on a counta he wuz gittin a chance to settle sum thangs up in his mind. we finely had us a hug n sum honest wurds, witch i tole him strate out i luved him, n twuz the furst time i had ever dun that. corse, he had sed it minny a time, but he always sed he wuz crazy so he could say such thangs. i sed i wonted to be crazy lack that n he laffed n sed i dint know whut i wuz sayin n he wuz rite bout that.

me n emily gut marrd on the 21st of july. i wuz in west germany on the 1st of august. that give us jes a nuff time to visit with everbidy, frum nanny in looseburg to her grandmother in the cuntry to eli in the hospital to my fambly in oak ridge to the perfessers in utk. i had to git the res of crap notes to my collidge skolars committee, witch twuz the las thang i dun fer my undergraduwait degree. the nite befor my flite, we stayed downstairs in my old bedroom at mamas n made luv all nite. nex day we went shoppin n gut emily a winter coat n good pair of boots. then we gut our wunderlich money n cunverted it to travelers checks in doytch marks n packed my bags. i tuck a hole trunk full of cloze, witch that wuz a miss take.

emily dropped me off at the ariport in time fer me to git a six o'clock flite, witch it tuck six hours to get thar, but when ye landed twuz 8 am west german time. the idee wuz fer me to git us a place to live n all. she wood be cumin a week later.

twuz the beginnin of a hole new add ventchur, n i dont mean the trip to west germany: twuz the start of the marrg made in looseburg.

pinions of buddy don:
whuts the differnts?

via hobbs cums the news of whar them iraqis dun put them weppons of mass deestruckshun: accordin to sum newspaper in holland, theys in syria!

looks lack we need to do sum wurk on our spy saddlelites! how could we have missed em movin all them weppons, diggin up hidin places fer em, yew name it! after all, frum that state of the union speech bush give back in january of las year, we know thay wuz a heap of thangs to git moved:

(1) "Saddam Hussein had biological weapons sufficient to produce over 25,000 liters of anthrax -- enough doses to kill several million people. He hasn't accounted for that material."

(2) "Saddam Hussein had materials sufficient to produce more than 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin -- enough to subject millions of people to death by respiratory failure."

(3) "Saddam Hussein had the materials to produce as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent. In such quantities, these chemical agents could also kill untold thousands."

(4) "Saddam Hussein had upwards of 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents."

(5) "Iraq, in the late 1990s, had several mobile biological weapons labs."

(6) "Saddam Hussein had an advanced nuclear weapons development program, had a design for a nuclear weapon and was working on five different methods of enriching uranium for a bomb."

(7) "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

mayhap on the way to the moon and mars (registrayshun required), we kin beef up our spy saddlelites a nuff to deteck when so minny thangs is bein moved 400 miles cross a barren desert.

reckon its time to invade syria yet?

meanwhile, provin jes how true the story frum that newspaper in holland really is, the united states has dun deecided thay aint no more reason to be lookin fer no weepons of mass deestruckshun in iraq: "The Bush administration has quietly withdrawn from Iraq a 400-member military team whose job was to scour the country for military equipment, according to senior government officials."

corse, sum folks aint never gonna git it. kin ye magine whut kinda thankin leads to puttin this kinda thang on the frunt page of the washinton post? whut kin they be thankin? iraqs weppons of mass deestruckshun wuz only on paper? so whut? we have to perteck ourself frum folks thats even puttin plans on paper to attack us.

fer instunts, magine ye larn thars sumbidy that hates yew. mayhap one of his kids runs away n cums to tell ye jes how much his daddy hates yew. mayhap he tells ye his daddy has writ down a plan to git the materials together sos he kin build a gun n shoot ye ded. woodnt ye have to kill him? i mean, hes gut the plans to kill ye, jes not the means.

i mean, really: whuts the differnts?

life of buddy don, chaptur 89:
batchler party

once the skool year wuz over, once i had dun graduwaited n emily had made it thru her furst year of grad skool, we deecided to move out of the place at 1300 clinch avenue n spend sum of the summer, our last befor we wuz marrd, with our folks. that means i moved back into mamas on a counta how i had dun rented my room at the farm to maisie. corse, i had figgerd on wurkin at deathtrap n savin a lil money but lack i splained a cuple chapturs ago, that dint wurk out.

my folks wuz happy bout it mosly. daddy wonted us to spend sum time up on obed river, so me n daddy n brew n roena mays husbin jim coates went up fer a cuple days fishin n campin. i spent a lot of time drivin roun with eli n listnin to his favert group the stranglers, speshly the album black and white n smokin way too much of theevil weed. i saw susannah now n then, jes as friens. her new home wuz built n she had moved in with her new boyfrien, witch fer sum reason, she never innerduced us n i barely member if his name wuz frank or tom. virgil n i had sum marathon argumints bout pi bein a priori or not.

in sum ways, that summer wuz wasted. i tride to git sumthin new goin to replace the hole lef whenever i finished riting crap notes, but i dint couldnt git myself to do much of nuthin. i larnt sumthin bout myself then that i have been wishin wuznt true ever since. tiz that i cant seem to git much dun ifn i have time to do much. ifn i dont have hardly no time lef to rite in my diary or wurk on a novel or whutever, then i use whut lil time i gut verr well. over the years i dun writ plays n screenplays n other novels n such, but never when i had time to do much. even now, fer the ritin of my verr own life n pinions, i cant hardly git nuthin writ over a weekend n tiz even wurser whenever i git time off. as tiz, ifn ima wurkin 11 or 12 hour days, then i wake up bout 4 am with this idee that i need to git up n git reddy fer wurk n do a lil ritin. mayhap i git a hour or two fer that befor i leave fer wurk n since thay aint no other time to rite, i doot rite then.

i later herd a tale bout geoffrey chaucer, witch hes the fella who wrote the canterbury tales. i never could figger if whut i wuz tole wuz true (i cant find a refernts to it nowhar), but the way it went wuz how he had to wurk mos of his life. durin that time, he writ his majur wurks. finely he wuz able to retire frum wurk, but he never rote nuthin that matterd agin. so by time i herd thatn, i gut to be a lil nicer to myself bout how i couldnt git nuthin dun when i had time to do thangs rite. tiz true to this verr day.

roun that time, i wuz in the liberry over at utk n sumbidy across the room wuz wavin n i noticed i couldnt tell who twuz or ifn they wuz wavin at me. turnt out to be a woman i had known in that conceps of women class n she wuz a lil miffed bout how i dint wave back. she wuz the one who ast me out, so she dint thank nuthin of cummin over n given me her pinion bout how she thought i wuz cunseated. i add mitted i mite be a lil, but i tole her problem wuz i couldnt see her well a nuff to recognize her across the room. 'then you need to see a doctor about your eyes,' she sed n stomped off.

so i made a pointment with a docter n he eggzmained my eyes n sed i wuz near-sited, mayhap frum reedin too much. twuz a fack that i had spent a good percent of my life with my nose stuck in a book, so twoodnt be a sprize if my eyes had adapted. so i started wearin glasses, witch twuz a hard thang to git used to on a counta i had never been able to wear sunglasses on a counta how they made my nose itch. but when ye need sumthin, ye git used toot.

funny thang is, later on, in west germany, i wood lose them glasses n half to make a choice between two kinds that they give fer no exter charge with the insurants we had n one of them wuz a pair of lil round glasses lack john lennon used to wear. tutherns wuz black horn-rimmed glasses, verr german lookin, n i knew i dint wont them, so i gut the lil round glasses. now thays minny folk who thank i wuz born wearin them lil round glasses n i been wearin em ever since.

twuz time to git everthang fixed, so day after i visted the eye docter, i went to the dentist. he wonted to extrack my two remainin wisdom teeth, witch i had tutherns tuck out when i furst marrd darlene n thay wuz impackted n twuz a awful process. but the wisdom teeth on the top wuz cummin in strate, not impackted, n the dentist yanked em out that verr day n i wuz all better in bout a week.

nex on the lis, mama wonted to take me shoppin fer cloze. thay aint no stoppin mama when it cums to shoppin. tiz a old sore in the marrg twixt my parnts on a counta how mama kep daddy 'paymint pore' all thar lives. mama had this idee that folks over in west germany wuz a'gone be more sofisticated than folk in tennessee, so she insisted on gittin me four suits, witch three of em wuz three-pieceers with vests witch i hadnt never had one of them befor. she also bought a bunch of shirts n underware n a pair of wing tip shoes n a pair of boots. thang is, of all the thangs she bought me that day, witch i drug over to west germany n back, thonly ones i wore much were the boots.

innywho, twuz deecided by the guys who hung out at the farm that a batchler party wuz needed to make shore i wuz doon the rite thang in gittin hitched to emily. so brew n virgil n eli n oscar n randy fox n about ten others that lacked to cum to parties whar thay wuz free smoke n dranks gut together one hot nite in july. we gut us a bunch of beer n jack daniels n rolled up a bunch of theevil weed n gatherd out at the farm. twuz more or less a rerun of the church of the callus basturds only one of the basturds wuz trine to reeform, witch thatn wuz me.

twuz a lot of hoopin n hollerin n yew name it. we kep the joints a'passin without pause all nite. we drunk up the beer purty quick n broke the seals on the jack. we tole the awfullest stories possibull bout life in the jungle n who we had dun it with n all. corse, randy n brew n virgil gut to tellin stories bout my quote exploits unquote. they broke out all the penthouse n club n gallery n hustler magazines that wuz a roun n made me look at pitchers of the mos beeyootiful women n splain how i druther be with emily even if sum of them pitchers showed sum verr sexy women.

finely, they insisted i needed to call the lady in waitin to let her know my deesire to marr wuz bein tested. i callt her n woodnt ye know it, she gits to cumplainin bout how i hadnt writ her a nuff letters. i tride to splain how i wuznt gittin no ritin dun, but twuznt wurkin with her, so i promissed i wood do better, n havin to rite that lil letter everday wuz a hep.

while i wuz on the fone, the guys deecided they wood put peeled nanners n hot peppers down my pants till i finely tole emily i had to git while i could. i tuck off runnin thru the woods to the fire spot n they chased me bes they could as drunk as we were. purty soon we wuz all thar roun a big fire n gittin serious bout that jack.

nex thang i know i woke up n find the fire wuz out n noticed i wuz sleepin in the leaves. twuz a beeyootiful night with a full moon, a warm gentle breeze, burds a sangin to wake up the worl.

but i felt sick, mayhap frum too much likker, mayhap frum too much of everthang. my hed wuz full of images frum the nite, frum the stories tole bout everbidys life in the jungle, bout the women they had quote bagged unquote, frum all them pitchers in them magazines, with women in various states of undress, thar legs spred sos they kin show everthang, whut oscar clowder called the 'ax murder' on a counta how sum of them pitchers wuz so eggsplicit till that basic female body part looked lack a wound of sum kind. i found myself unable to stop the flow of thoughts, bout susannah n darlene n all the women i myself had dun quote bagged unquote, till the sickness in me rose n drove me into the brush.

thar i finely cummenced to vomit, overn over agin, n as i dun it, i begun seein all them thangs bout my life i wonted to leeve behin comin out in the reekin bile porin frum my mouth onto the groun. when twuz over, i stood up, tuck a deep breath, n saw how the sun wuz startin to lite up the sky behin the woods.

suddenly i felt clean n good. i looked roun to see who else is thar, n i purty soon herd virgil snorin away. i called him n told him to wake up. he dint move till i shuck im n then he ast whut day wuz it.

i tole him twuz the furst day of my new life, but he dint here it. he had dun falln back asleep.

nex day, twuz agreed by all that i had passed the test n wuz condemnd to marr. the church of the callus basturds wuz closed fer good after that.

fambly tribulayshuns of buddy don:
bes muther-in-law in the hole worl falls n brakes her bones

the holiday season fer the buddy don fambly wuz a goodn at the beginnin on a counta how miz bds mama, witch we generly call her 'grandmom,' cum to visit. it made the holiday fer the hole fambly. she lives in ohio n doesnt git out a hole lot. it tuck massive perswayshun to git her to cum fer her granddaughters graduwayshun frum columbia university, witch she gut her masters in cultcherul antrhopolgy.

after makin that trip, the concep of travel to whut say uncle lacks to call 'hell' but whut local folks calls 'jersey' n whut the maps mark as 'new jersey' wuz prooved. so twuznt easy fer her to git outta cumin fer christmus, speshly when her grandson had jes moved to jersey his ownself.

so cum she did, gittin here on christmus day n stayin till the 28th. we had a wunderful time startin with dinner on christmus n includin dinner at zlata praha on fridy nite n a visit to the recent graduwait's apartmint in the columbia area of manhattan on saturdy. she rode the subway n treated the hole metropoltun area lack twuz a theme park.

lack ye mite eggspeck, twuz bof good n a bit stressful on miz bd to have the hole fambly together fer the furst time in about a decade, so me n her wuz jes windin down n startin to enjoy new years eve when we gut a call frum ohio: grandmom had fallen n broke her leg n sholder. twuz a paneful thang to here bout on a counta such thangs shouldnt happen to such good peeple. but they duz.

innywho, miz bds bruther ast her could she call the reltives down in tennessee n splain whut had happent. she gut roun to callin one bunch, a hillbilly fambly thats still in the hills n not out wanderin lack we are. her uncle vern anserd the phone n tuck the news in tipicull hillbilly silents n then ast, wuz she standin on a stool? she wuz, a'trine to take the christmus tree down herself even tho her son had promissed he wood doot fer her.

she dun been thru a operayshun to start puttin her back together n she gits out inny day now. nex step is fer her to git into sum kinda rehab place, so miz bds gone take a plane out to ohio this afternoon so she kin give her bruther sum hep in takin care of grandmom. twill be hard to be without her since we havent been apart moren a nite or so (whenever i wuz havin one of my back surgeries) since we gut marrd n set up our own housekeepin.  shes spozed to be back by early nex week.

awful thang is, she aint even gone, but im alreddy missin her.

life of buddy don, chaptur 88:
the pane of finishin thangs

i started wurkin on my novel crap notes in early 1978 n i finished it in june of 1979. twuz a big thang in my life durin that time, tho thay aint a hole lot ye kin say bout ritin a novel. taint all that eggcitin. tuffest thang is gittin yerself in the habit of startin the nex paragraf. i had dreamed of ritin novels n such mos of my life, tho twernt all i wonted to do, witch part of the problem in gittin inny one thang dun is that ye have to quit trine to do so minny other thangs. i never masterd that, so i now have a pile of papers that has songs, poems, stories, novels, plays n screenplays in it. i have recordins of mos of the songs i rote, tho thars a pasel of new ones i aint gut roun to recordin yet.

but whenever i wuz wurkin on crap notes, twuz sumthin differnt. fer one thang, twuz the furst big wurk i had attempted in life, n the mane thang i wuz hopin to proov to myself wuz that i could git it dun. as i thank i dun mentchuned, i gut all of it writ but the las chaptur by time i wuz reddy to graduwait. corse, i wood half to hand in the hole thang, but the collidge skolars committee wuz pleased with the 520 pages i had dun deliverd but the job wernt cumplete yet n fer sum reason, i spent about a munth gittin reddy to rite that final bit.

eli ast me if he could celebrate whenever i gut dun, so i sed that wood be fine. he picked me up in the vw beetle i sold him n tuck me to the oak ridge civic center so i could sit in the liberry n finish. he had rolled a 'super dubie' fur us to smoke once i wuz dun.

twuz a hard time fer eli on a counta the trubles his docters wuz havin findin the rite medical cocktail fer im. durin the 70s, frum his transformayshun in 1972 till i wuz finishin my novel in 1979, the va put im on over 100 differnt combinayshuns of meds in hopes of gittin his behavyer under cuntrol. twernt wurkin verr well, witch thats manely elis fault on a counta how he woodnt take his medicine the way twuz prescribed. he wood smoke n drank n take acid n angel dust n yew name it. so twuz only natchural that nuthin wood wurk fer verr long.

he went thru all kinds of stages with this. they put im on lithium but he jes gut fat in no time, so they quit that. they gut im on sum medicayshun that caused all his muscles to clinch up till he wuz in agony n had to be carted off to the emergency room. after that, they started givin him a muscle relaxer name of artane. after a while, no matter how they changed up his cocktail, he always had to have artane.

whut wuz wurse wuz how he wood trade his medicine fer other drugs or give ye pressure to try em. i fell fer it with artane. his argumint wuz that he wuz bein given drugs that wuz spozed to hep him escape the travails of the spirtchul worl, but he sed twuz jes the opposit, that he wuz seein more spirtchul thangs than ever.

yer more astute observers mite could have thought twuz his hallucinatin frum all the drugs he tuck. i member one time when he cum over to take emily n me to the kroger out on chapman hiway so we could do our big munthly shoppin. when he gut thar, he wuz beet red in the face n wuz hardly makin no sense. turnt out he had jes gut his medicayshun frum the va n tuck a bunch of it n then drunk a quart of beer. i dont recall ever seein him so incapacitated.

lack emily, he wuz a smoker n generly kep one lit at all times, but on this day, he tride to lite a cigarette with a glass of water, suckin the water up thru the cigarette lack twuz a straw. corse the thang fell apart when it gut wet, but he sat 'smokin' the wet butt fer a good five mints till emily ast him did he wont a lite. she lit him one of her marlboros n give it to him, n he got down on his knees n begun prayin fer the saintly woman who could make water burn. then he gut up, spied sum peanut butter n sed he wonted to git im a spoonful of that, lack we often dun whenever we wuz lil. thang wuz, he tuck the spoonful of peanut butter n tride to ram it down the salt shaker.

i played caretaker fer im that day. that mint i walked with him down to the strip, pushin him back onto the sidewalk when he strayed into the street. it mint gittin him screamin mad by trine to keep him frum buyin three import albums fer over $50, witch i knew fer a fack he dint wont a one of them albums n later on he ast me how i could let him buy such expensiv crap.

i finely gut him to let me drive the car on a counta i woodnt git in it ifn he wuz drivin n i tricked him into lettin me have the keys, witch then he couldnt figger out whar they wuz, so when i perduced em frum my pocket n tole him i wuz keepin fer im, he agreed i could drive to the krogers out on chapman hiway. during the hole time, he wuz the perfeck crazy fellow, out of his hed, makin no sense, barely able to tell whut wuz a'goin on.

then we gut to krogers n twuz lack shoppin with a small child on a counta how he kep puttin thangs in the cart that i dint wont n he woodnt wont whenever he cum back to his self. i had seen him incoherent befor, but never fer so long. so as we wuz walkin down one of the aisles n i spied his docter, witch she wuz a woman frum austria name of docter koch. i pointed her out to im n pulled him to anuther aisle. i figgerd ifn she saw im lack that, she wood lock im back up fer good.

but we couldnt avoid her all that long n purty soon we found ourself walkin rite tords her. she spotted eli n ast how he wuz. i swear, i never saw nuthin lack it, but as soon as he herd her voice, he cum back to hisself n wuz jes as coherent as could be. he dint know how he had gut whar he wuz or whut he had dun durin his blackout, witch fer him the hole thang wuz a blackout n he dint have no memry atall of whut had happend. whenever i showed im the albums he had bought, he wuz shocked bout whut he had dun. i dont thank i coulda convints im bout how crazy he wuz acktin otherwise.

good thang bout that episode is how he larnt that he jes couldnt risk mixin alcohol with artane. twernt long after that till he ast me to try it so i could git me a idee whut he wuz a'goin thru. so i did.

twuz as odd a eggsperients as any i had ever had. once the drug hit, ye dint need much of nuthin to make ye cuntent. i noticed how i could sit fer hours jes nitcing how amazin my hands n fangers wuz. but i couldnt hardly keep my thoughts strate n it made my mouth so dry i could barely swallow n long story short, i dint much lack it.

i wish i could say the same fer everbidy who tride it. turnt out thar wuz one who wood luv it moren even eli dun, witch that wuz maisie. she wuz livin out at the farm n purty much spendin all her time with oscar clowder. we begun noticin purty soon how she luved to git messed up on drugs. made her a good cumpanyun to oscar on a counta how he lacked to git so drunk he could barely walk.

tiz a wunder they survived sum of thar adventchurs. purfeck eggzample is how maisie lost her car. she n oscar wuz takin the key sprangs rode frum outer drive down to hiway 61 durin a hevvy rain. at the bottom of that twisty hill thars a lil spring that sumtimes covers the rode jes a lil, sumtimes not at all. but when twuz rainin hard a nuff, the water could git ruff. so the two of em git down to the sprang n deecide they kin make it cross. corse, thar car wuz caught rite away n nex thang ye know, maisie n oscar clumb out a winder to git free n thumbed thar way out to the farm.

nex day we all went to look at the car, n everbidy wunderd how they had cum out of it alive on a counta how twuz coverd in mud n water by then. so we ast him, how had they gut out? they looked at each other n started laffin. they couldnt remember nuthin ceptin the winder, witch wuz still open.

durin this time, maisie started havin acksidents rite n lef, mosly lil thangs lack fallin n catchin the bed post on her eye or walkin rite into a telefone pole, leavin a ugly bruise on the side of her face. corse, we wuz wurried bout her n figgerd sumthin had to be dun to keep her frum gittin so messed up on drugs, but thar wuznt nobidy who could say nuthin bout not takin em since everbidy wuz takin thar ownself.

so whenever eli wuz drivin me out to oak ridge whar i could rite that las chaptur, i ast im ifn he wood be so kind as to quit givin maisie inny more artane, witch thatn wuz the one she luved the mos, speshly with a bit of alcohol. but twuz a lil late fer that. he tole me she had her own supply frum the dentist she wurked fer. fack is, he wuz gittin thru the munth now n then with her hep on a counta how he couldnt make a munth supply las a munth, what with tradin his artane fer pot or acid or whutever or jes his takin too minny at the start of the munth so he dint have nun lef by the end.

bout then, he dropped me off at the liberry n i went in n rote the las chaptur.

now ye mite could thank i wood be one of the happies folks on the planet fer finishin sumthin i had been a'wurkin on fer so long. durin the hole time, seemed lack it hung over my hed n give me constant stress n wurry. now i wuz dun with it, or at lease dun with the furst version of it.

but i wuznt happy atall. fack is, i kin member jes a few times when i felt so deepressed. corse i had to finish the celebrayshun with eli n he wuz happy fer me. he wonted to rite novels his ownself n wood git roun toot evenchully, tho his wuz a lot shorter. but at that time, he figgerd gittin a novel writ wuz about the bes accomplishment a person could have.

but all i felt wuz a awful emptiness n confushun bout why i should feel so sad. we talked bout maisie n i tride to thank that wuz it. or i tride to thank twuz the sadness of havin a bruther lack eli who wuz such a basket case, even ifn he wuz one of the smartes folk i ever met. but i had to add mitt that twuznt maisie nor eli nor mama nor nuthin ceptn that i figgerd i wood feel good n in sted, it felt lack i had lost my bes frien.

finely, my depresshun started gittin thru to eli n thang wuz, it made him mad! i wuz sprized as could be by that, but he wuz mad, so mad that we gut into a fite with him sayin how i had everthang n he had nuthin n i should thank god fer my blessings rather than bad mouthin my life n belly achin bout bein dun ritin my novel.

'ifn ye dint wonta finish it, then why did ye start it?' he ast. i tole im i dint know i wuz a'gone feel thisaway. so he prayed fer me n when that dint perduce no miraculls, he ast whar could he let me out. the farm? mamas? whar?

tuck me a mint to figger whar i needed to go, witch that wuz to my tree, the one i had injured with my car durin my 'acksident.' i ast him to take me thar n he did, only he dint know bout the tree n tuck me rite to k-25, thankin i wonted to git in touch with sumbidy thar n mayhap git a ride home or sumthin.

in sted, once he wuz gone, i begun the long walk back tords oak ridge. purty soon, i cum to the tree n sat myself down beside of it n rubbed its wound. i thought bout how i had felt once i knew i had survived my attempt. i reminded myself about how i had a bonus life. i counted up my blessins. but nuthin wurked so i lef.

twuz a hard thang to larn, but truth is, the wurk ye wonta finish so much ye wish ye wuz dead mite jes be the thang that keeps ye wontin to live.

by time i gut to mamas, i wuz drenched in sweat. twuz dusk n daddy wuz sittin at the kitchen table, readin the paper, drankin a beer, n eatin cheezits. he wuz sprized to see me n ast did i wont a beer, witch i dint wont one, but i tuck it innyway. we made small talk till he figgerd out i had dun finished ritin my novel. twuz on of the furst times i saw him so proud, n fer a lil, it tuck me out of my deepreshun. twuz nice to be sumbidy in his eyes fer a change.

but it dint change much of innythang. oh, he lacked to brag bout how i had writ a novel. but he never did read it.

life of buddy don, chaptur 87:
tippin the balance

by june 11, 1979, i had purty much finished everthang i needed to git dun ifn i wuz to graduwait. i still had about ten pages to rite on my novel, crap notes, but i had dun all my class wurk. ye mite could say i lacked skool purty well. i ended up with near 240 credits despite the fack that i needed only bout 160 or so to graduwait. but ifn ida dun that, i woodnt have finished ritin my novel, n that wuz my main concern.

i had won a few awards fer how i played the grade game: (1) a chancellors sightayshun fer academick achievment, (2) Zertifikat Deutsch als Fremdsprache frum the Goethe Institut, (3) the Gerti Wunderlich award for excellence in German, thanks to the kind wurk of one of my germun perfessers, witch we jes called him dr. f n main reason he hepped me thataway wuz on a counta how he knew i wuz a'gonna need the grant money of $800 moren i knew whenever i gut over to west germany, (4) phi kappa phi, (5) phi beta kappa, (6) d-a-a-d, n (7) summa cum laude. fack is, i coulda gut em to git rid of the 'b' i gut in my furst quarter in golf n ifn i hadda dun that, i wooda graduwaited with the highest gpa of innybidy graduwaitin then. but i figgerd i wuznt as good as my record indicated. so my final gpa wuz 3.99999 ferever jes about, tho they put it at 4.0 since twuz close a nuff.

ye mite be thankin how i shoulda been purty happy bout the way thangs wuz a'goin. i wuz about to git marrd to a wonderful woman. i wuz about to go to west germany fer a year of studies n i dint have to brang nuthin much back frum it besides the eggsperients. i had about ten pages to write on my novel to git it dun. i owned a piece of land n had my payments down to practically nuthin on a counta rentin my room to maisie.

but thays always a nuther side to thangs, n durin this time, i wuz forced to look upon it moren i mite could have wonted to. thang wuz, thay wuz a lil lag time tween when i wuz dun with skool, witch that wuz early in june of 1979, n when i wuz a'gone fly over to west germany, witch that wuz skeduled fer the furst of august.

i figgerd i wood git me my job over at the deathtrap back. witch that mint i had to apply all over agin. i did, n fer that, they made me take a polly graf test. i dint wurry much bout it on a counta i had dun had one the year befor n they wuz mosly innerested in whuther ye wuz honest. i drove over to west knoxvull agin to take the test, but this time, the fella conductin it dint ast nary a questchun bout whuther i wuz honest. onliest thang he needed to know wuz whuther i had ever dun inny drugs, witch ye all know the anser to that is a big yes, accordin to witchns ye mite be astin bout. as it happend, this fella knew all thar names n he ast me bout each of these: (1) theevil weed, (2) lsd, (3) mescaline, (4) peyote, (5) psylocibin, (5) cocaine, (6) opium, (7) thc, (8) morphine, and (9) heroin. i add mitted that i had tried all but the las two, morphine n heroin. he ast how many times had i dun em, n fer the mos, twuz only once. i wuz ast when i had last used each.

long story short, i went to wurk my furst nite n put in a good 3 hours till my old boss cum in. he wuz glad to have me back n tole me i wuz one of the best hed ever had. i thanked him. he tole me he had to make a call before finishin the process. he called the guy n purty soon he tole me he wuz sorry but couldnt use me. why? on a counta my recent problems.

whut a thang! i wuz a honor student. i had wurked well fer em. but all i wuz by the time that mornin gut thar wuz a drug user.

so i gut the summer off n twuz a bit on the long side on a counta emily n me had dun moved out of 1300 clinch n i had to move back into mamas house fer the summer. i had plenty of time to thank thangs over. truth wuz, i wuz tired of drugs n dint really wonta do em much innymore, but the worl i wuz livin in had jes too much temptayshun. furst mornin after i larnt i woodnt have the job, eli cum over with a new bag of theevil weed he had scored n we started the day by runnin thru his routine, witch he lacked to take a drive, listen to punk rock music as loud as ye could stand it, n smoke joint after joint.

by the time we gut home frum that, i wuz disgusted with myself. i tride to wurk thangs over in my mind to make me feel better. i reminded myself of all my achievments, buyin of land, the 4.0 gpa, the d-a-a-d, the novel, the awards, the impending marrg to an honor student. all of em wuz notable accomlishments. but underneath of everthang, i wuz still jes a drug user in the eyes of pantry. wuz drugs really that bad? bad a nuff to prevent me frum wurkin at the deathtrap? shouldnt my performunts frum the year befor have counted fer sumthin? hadnt i proved myself responsibull a nuff thru wurk n skool?

but facks is facks, witch theys amung the mos stubborn thangs thay is. i jumpt to my own defense. shore nuff im a drug user, i would gladly say. look at me, worl: im a doper. i lack to trip. i smoke theevil weed mos ever day. yet i gut straight a marks in collidge, wuz a collidge skolar, wrote a novel, won outstanding performunts increases at carbide, dated a injuneer, divorced one, am about to marr a history honors student whose also a literary eggspurt --  won awards -- yew name it. many of my friends at utk wuz perfessors, witch i could name em but whut diffents duz it make? underneath it all, thonly thang that mattered wuz how i wuz jedged to be a drug fiend. lease thats whut they wonted me to thank.

fack is, i did thank it. i wished i could stop. i planned to stop, made resolushuns bout quittin, the hole thang, but seemed lack ever time i turnt round, thay wuz a nuther joint bein passed my way n i dint seem capabull of passin it on along without tokin on it. to be fare, i wood half to add mitt that i dun got a lot frum smokin n trippin, mainly the latter. durin mos ever trip, i eggzamine my life n directshuns n try to affirm whuts good. i git a lot of energy frum concentratin on whut needs to be dun. i git eggcited bout the positive half of my bein -- the half that rites n goes to skool n takes thangs serious; i am wurried bout the negative half -- how easily it could git out of hand n ruin my life along with emilys.

dont misunderstan me. i dint feel i had life figgerd out, dint know whut i should be doin in the best of all possibull worls. i lack to say how i bleeved that ye cant git to any unnerstandin of life without god. but i dint -- n dont to this day -- unnerstan god atall. i felt my bleef in god wuz necessary for a happy life, that god wuz thonly concep that gives life necessary n lastin meanin. but all of that wuz a bunch of hopes more than ackshul bleefs. i dun whut i dun on a counta it seemed the best corse availabull to me, tho i wuz always hopin twood hep me unnerstand god a lil better.

but i couldnt proov nuthin, even ifn i trotted out all my proofs. am i cunvintsed by proofs? is innybidy? i dont reckon folks is cunvintsed by argumints. they need eggsperients, vague eggsperients taken as a hole n not broke down into particlar eggsperientses. frum vague eggsperients i gut my noshuns bout god.

as i prepared fer ritin the last wurds on my novel, fer gittin marrd, fer goin to west germany, i wood pray ever day that these noshuns wood hep me tip the balance in favor of the good half of my bein. i figgerd i wood have a good chants for this on a counta in west germany, i dint speck nobidy to give me no drugs. n i figgerd i wood git the balance tipped fer good once n fer all.

but i had a lot more to larn bout that balance. turns out ye gut to keep tippin it yer hole life n it kin swang back on ye purty good jest when ye thank ye gut it tipped fer good fer good. thang is, ye cant trip it fer good fer good, but only fer good fer now. n ye gut to keep at it. fer good.

life of buddy don, chaptur 86:
the scariest thang in the universe

twuz rite after i ast emily ifn shed marr me that i noticed the stranges thang. i had dun been quote in the jungle unquote back whenever we furst moved on to the farm, but once i gut together with susannah, seem lack i purty much settled down far as women wuz concernd. gittin together with emily tuck so long that we wuz pratickly livin together by the time sumthin happend. but the hole time, i never give no other woman any thought or even spent much time lookin at em walk by. i wuz too fixed on getting emily.

but thang wuz, soons i had ast her to marr me, i started feelin lack i wuz stuck, lack thay wuz sum other thang i needed to be free to go do, lack i hadnt had my quota of women or sumthin. i cant say why, but i dint thank i wonted to give up the opshun of havin a differnt relayshunship sumtime. so why wuz i a marrin her?

taint easy to anser but heres how i cum to look at it. fer one thang, it wuznt that i dint wont or lack or luv or desire emily. i dun all of that n more. i larnt more bout sex frum her than all tuther women i had known befor her. n i had a grate time larnin it. i couldnt magine nobidy who shared my innerests inny bettern she dun. i lacked the way she looked. n thay wuznt no questchun whuther she luved me.

i figgerd the itchy feelins i wuz gittin wuz the kinda thang ye git in a restrunt. ye wonta eat n ye mite could be plenty hungry but ye cant make up yer mind. it aint that ye dont see nuthin ye wont. tiz that ye wont mos everthang n takin inny one thang is givin up all tutherns. tiz kindly the same with a woman, tho i knew twuznt the case that i wonted to be in the jungle.

as i dun writ in chaptur 78: luv is all a roun inside n out, i cum to be a bit more relaxed bout the seach fer god n all after havin that wurkshop with el doc tore. twuz long about then that i heard a talk on meister eckhardt agin, n this time sumthin wuz sed that kindly put everythang into perspecktiv.

i bleev the fella givin the talk twuz perfessor fuller, witch hes the one who taught the buddhism n islam classes, but mayhap he jes innerduced the speaker. cant member witch twuz, but i cant fergit whut he sed. furst he talked a lil bout who meister eckhardt wuz n then splained how he had im these two concepts:

1. godhead: this is the actualty of whut we commonly call god, witch tiz everthang god is n is way beyond innythang we kin magine. tiz growin n creative n burstin with life n changin at ever moment n impossbull to take in completely or even splain. ever now n agin, ye git ye a mistick of sum relijun n that mistick gits a real view or eggsperients of godhead. corse, the mistick is a'gone try to splain whut he or she is seein n larnin n all, n soons he does, other folks gits to ritin it down n turnin it into the wurds he sed n not the godhead he wuz eggsperientsin.
   
2. whut the misticks followers makes of his reackshun to godhead is whut gits called god n tiz lack a snapshot of the smokeys, way short of the real thang. whut folks is arguin over is the wurds that wuz utterd by the misticks who eggsperientsed godhead. taint real argumints over whut god really is, witch is the godhead n beyond all unnerstandin.

i found this to be so hepful on a counta i could see finely that thay wuznt nuthin fer me to find. twuznt jes that ye caint find the way, tiz that thay cant be a way to sum place ye cant git.

finely, i gut to this unnerstandin of thangs n then could let go agin: i figgerd twuz lack anselm had sed bout god bein the thang thats grater innythang ye could magine n all. n fer me, that thang would be grater ifn it included all thangs than ifn it dint. n ifn it includes all thangs, then tiz a fack that all thangs is god.

twernt much of an anser ye could rite down in a book, but it gut me to thankin i needed to be doin more livin n less searchin.

seem lack that kinda thankin had to do with emily n why i deecided to marr her. twuz time to live n make a commitment. i could make a list of a hunnert reasons why emily wuz the rite choice, tho i half to add mitt that when i cum home n saw her lyin in a fetal ball, crine her eyes out, i felt an achin in my hart that i jes couldnt resist, n that as much as innythang splains why i ast her to marr me.

as fer my feelins bout other women, twuz a concep i had truble with moren inny change of behavyer. i lacked to thank twoodnt matter in the longer run. corse whut a bidy lacks to thank dont have much to do with whut cums to pass.

i also gut to realizin how i wuznt thonly one feelin a lil wurried bout the futchur. i reckon twuz even harder on emily. heres how i noticed, tho i dint make much of it at the time.

shahram give us a gift jes befor he went back to iran to take part in the revolushun, witch he had im a simese cat that had kittens of various kinds n he give us a liln he named layla. the cat looked n acted siamese n it lived with us the hole time we wuz livin on clinch avenue. twernt that we wuz wontin a cat so much, but i musta tole the story bout tinker or sumthin so he cum over one evenin with a cardbord box n inside wuz a kitten so cute even emily give in n sed we could have her.

we had lots of fun with that kitten. ifn ye ever had one, ye know they kin entertain ye fer hours with nuthin moren a scrap a yarn. layla luved to grab at emilys hair whenever she wuz a'pullin on it, witch dint seem to matter how much emily slapped layla fer doin it, soons shed git to pullin on it agin, layla wood be thar, batten at it. i kindly thank emily lacked layla a doon that n the two of em wood play her hours with a ole ball of yarn emily had.

we kep the cat in n waited till twuz ole a nuff to git it fixed n whenever twuz, i tuck it to the vet to git it dun. turnt out to be too late. sumhow that cat musta got out on a counta they couldnt fix a cat that wuz pregnunt.

frum that thar started a battle tween layla n emily. layla deecided she wonted to start stayin in emilys sock drawer. emily deecided layla would stay in a cardbord box in the livin room. corse, emily could cloze the door to the bedroom n cloze the drawer n thay wuznt much layla could do. n layla dint seem to know how to do much of innythang cept to go n cry in frunt of the drawer n scratch at it to try to open it.

then one mornin layla woke us up she wuz scratchin at our door so hard. we cum to see whut wuz the matter, n twuz time fer her to have her kittens. emily gut up n she wuz laffin bout how the cat dint seem to know whut to do n shore a nuff, seem lack layla kep right on a'goin to emily lack she wonted hep or wonted emily to pet er. so emily did but wuz a laffin n teasin the cat, astin whut wuz she gone do whenever she had her kittens?

n long bout then, out cum the hed of the furstn, n purty soon, layla knew everthang she needed to do. she started lickin that lil kitten n eatin all the afterbirth n all till she had er two lil balls of fur trine to find whar to nurse on her belly. but she woodnt let em git started but jes picked up the furstn n went in to the chest of drawers in the bedroom. the door wuz clozed, but layla jes laid her kitten in frunt of it n went to git tuthern. purty soon she wuz thar in frunt of the drawer, cryin n clawin as patient as could be.

i reckon emily smoked three cigarettes while tellin layla it wuznt gone wurk, that she wuznt gittin the drawer, but layla jes kep on lack she wuz shore she wood hit she secret button that wood make the drawer open. finely emily sed she couldnt beleev a cat wood ack thataway. she carrd the kittens into the livin room n put em into the cardbord box agin, but layla woodnt res till she had em back. finely, we went to bed n lef the door shut.

sumbidy musta got up to pee n forgot about the door in the middle of the nite on a counta nex mornin, thar wuz layla n her two kittens, lyin on a piece of newspaper layla had drug in. purty soon she gut to crine n pawin n finely emily give in n opened the drawer, witch layla knew jes whut to do then. purty soon bofem kittens wuz nursin.

as we wuz eatin brakefuss over at smokeys palace, emily sed twuz a scary thang. i ast her whut twuz that wuz scary n she sed i dint wonta here it. corse, i insisted. twuz how ye played the game. finely she sed she wished she hadnt sed nuthin, witch she really meant she hoped i wood take her side of how she felt. i waited, but she jes smoked a while. so i ast agin whut wuz so scary. she put out her cigarette n grabbed her books, gittin up n then lookin at me while i wuz gittin reddy. then she ast did i really wonta know whut the scariest thang in the hole universe is?

i tole her i wuz waitin, so she tole me: motherhood.

news of buddy don:
end of year accountin

i figgerd i wood take a count of everthang fer the year with wandering hillbilly. here are sum relavunt stats:

1. born: friday 13th june 2003
   
2. sitemeter: 9,760 in 2003
   
3. mos of the vistors gut here fer one of three reasons:
   
   
   
   1. they wonta know sumthin bout the wurd 'hillbilly'
      
   2. they cant spell
      
   3. they blong to the rocky top brigade
   
   
4. ackshly, summa the vistors here probly gut here fer all three reasons.
   
5. mos poplar search term: hillbilly -- 1,911 referntses; nex mos poplar ten:
   
   
   
   1. the -- 34
      
   2. and -- 21
      
   3. wandering -- 21
      
   4. sex -- 19
      
   5. orgasums -- 15
      
   6. for -- 13
      
   7. free -- 12
      
   8. facks -- 11
      
   9. icon -- 11
      
   10. life -- 10
   
   
6. total wurds in wandering hillbilly fer 2003: 250,976
   
7. total chapters fer the novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly : 85
   
8. total wurds in the novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly: 194,971
   
9. most days in a row with a new chaptur writ fer the novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly: 12 (august 20 -- september 4); nex bes: 8 (august 2 -- august 9)
   
10. most visits in one day: 479 (day i hosted volunteer tailgate party n gut the instalanche)

news: ye mite notice how i dun put the furst 85 chapturs of the novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly, on a page whar they kin be red in order easlier. tiz over on the lef whar the chapturs used to be, witch i hope thays a plenty more comin in 2004.