life of buddy don, chaptur 71:
maisie

maisie was the baby of the fambly, witch she wuz whut daddy called a acksident n mama called a luv child. thang wuz, they wuznt plannin on havin a nuthern but mama cum up pregnunt sumhow n thats how maisie gut started. she wuz born in may of 1960. i wuz eight at the time. main thangs i member wuz how mama lost lots of blood n had to stay in the hospital fer a cuple extra weeks.

the day she cum home, i wuz playin baseball across the street with lil buddy, witch he had the same name as me but i wuz three years older. i wuz pitchin frum about ten feet away n he smacked a baseball right into my nose. i started in to bleedin lack a stuck pig n run home to tell about it but befor i could say nuthin, thar she wuz, maisie lynette, a tiny bundle in black ethyls arms, witch we called her black ethyl on a counta mama had a nuther frien name of ethyl only she wuz white ethyl.

maisie wuz everbidys favert frum the instunt she wuz born. since i wuz the oldest, i had to take care of my lil bruthers n sisters bout three times a week, n seem lack maisie always looked up to me. i wrote bout sum of that stuff back in chaptur 38 the short life of becky turner.

innywho, by the summer of 1977 maisie wuz cumin out to the farm purty reglar. she n i had us a closer relayshunship than ever after whut happened with becky turner n bout ever chants she gut, she wood git a ride out to the farm with me or susannah.

she had her a boyfrien for the longest, one of a set of twins, witch his fambly wuz one of the biggest in oak ridge. he wuz a short stocky fella name of kevin karnes n he wurked at big ed's pizza. they went together fer years in hi skool but whenever maisie gut to lackin to smoke theevil weed, they gut to fussin n fitin on a counta kevin dint wonta git hi n maisie felt odd whenever he woodnt git hi with her. so maisie gut to lookin fer folk that lacked to git hi n we had a bunch of em hangin roun the farm.

that summer we gut a long visit frum a cuple of our cousins frum up north in massachusetts n one of em wuz maisies age. he wuz a red hed name of john paul mize, witch everbidy always called him jp. he had im a car n twuz only natcherul that maisie wood show him roun n seem lack that hole summer whenever ye saw one of em, ye saw tuthern. then summer wuz over n he wuz gone n by then, maisie tole kevin she dint wonta go with him no more.

long bout the end of september, eli give me a call n sed we had to do sumthin bout maisie n i ast whut wuz the matter n he splained how she had dun cum up eggspecktin n he n brew had dun deecided twood half to be tuck care of. i ast did he mean he wonted her to git a aborshun, n he sed twuz thonly anser. i ast whut did maisie wont, but he sed that dint matter on a counta she wuz too young to know whut she wonted. i ast who wuz a'gone pay fer it n he sed the three bruthers. i sed i wood thank bout it n call him back.

in sted, i called up maisie n ast did she wonta go ridin on my motorsickle, witch virgil used it mosly, but he kep it wurkin n i used it now n then. so we tuck us a ride out to melton hill n set ourself down by the lake n burned a number n i ast her did she really wonta have a aborshun. n she cride n we talked n i ast whut did kevin thank. n that caught her by a nuff sprize that she ast whut did kevin half to do with it. n she reminded her how i had dun writ that letter bout how fathers should have rites when it cums to aborshun n all n she sed, mayhap by miss take, how kevin dint have nuthin to do with it.

twuz quite fer a long stretch. we watched the clouds floatin overhead n a boat go by n then i tride to ketch her eye but she woodnt let me. then i put my arm roun her sholder n pulled her a lil closer n sed, twuz pj? n whenever she gut to crine i knew twuz so. she finely gut her breath back n ast me never to tell nobidy n i sed i wood try but thangs lack that tended to wonta be known by folks. but i promissed i woodnt say nuthin.

n that gut us to talkin in a differnt way. she splained how she hadnt never luved nobidy the way she dun pj n fack is, i dont reckon she ever foun innybidy who she luved as well. but she sed thay wuznt no way she could risk havin a baby by her furst cousin n i couldnt go agin that.

so i called eli up n sed i agreed n he sed he dun knew that on a counta his mysticull will n i ast him did he know whut twuz that changed my mine n he sed i musta dun cum to my senses or sumthin since twernt rite fer her to have a baby outside of marrg. n he reminded me bout how mama had reackted to larnin bout a nuther cousin gittin pregnunt outside of marrg, witch that wuz krissy mize. n i sed mayhap he wuz rite.

i ast him whar wuz we a'gone git this thang dun, but he dint know n ast me wuznt thar places over by the universty that did such thangs n i sed i wood check. i ast suze whut she thought bout it n she sed she knew of a place that a frien of her had used so i tuck the number n give em a call. they sed it could be dun fer $175, so i set up a pointment fer doin it.

i called maisie n tole her i had found a place, witch twuz planned parnthood over near the ut campus, n she sed she owed me n i sed she dint. then i ast eli did he half the money, but he had dun spent his munthly check , witch that wood be octobers check n twernt but the 4th day of the munth, but he sed he had found a grate deal on sum of theevil weed. so i called brew n ast did he have the money, but he sed he was a lil short on a counta havin to repair his car, witch he had im this datsun sports car that had to be repaired bout ever time he gut paid.

i wuznt about to ast susannah fer no hep with nuthin that tuck money, so i went over to ut n ast whuther i wuz a'gone git a check fer my student loan n i splained how i had a verr importunt paymint to make n they sed dint make no nevermind whut i had. ifn twuz time fer the check, then i wood git it, n ifn twernt, i woodnt. so i ast when wood it be time fer the check, n the lady looked into her files n sed sumthin lack 'whaddya know? you have one ready.' n twuz fer $433 on a counta the hole loan fer the year wuz $1,300 broke down into three parts, one per quarter.

so susannah n i tuck maisie over to the planned parnthood n went in with her n waited till twuz over. n then we tuck her out to the farm n called mama to tell her she wood be stayin overnite with us n twuz a normal thang fer her to do by then n fack is, she stayed fer sevrul nites till she wuz feelin more lack herself.

i wuz a lil mad at my bruthers fer not heppin with the money, speshly since it seemed to me lack they had more disposbull incum than i did, but a funny thang happened. i cum home one day n found a five dollar bill with a note round it in my sock drawer. i wuz sprized, but i opened that note n read it. twuz from kevin. he sed he wonted to apologize fer lettin me take care of sumthin he shoulda dun tuck care of, but ifn i wood be payshunt, he wood pay ever penny plus ten percent. n he sed i wuznt to mentchun nuthin bout this to maisie on a counta he dint wont her to thank he wuz trine to git her back or innerfear with her life in innyway.

i wonted to tell him twernt his to pay, but i couldnt tell who wuz the father, so the next chants i dut, i went over to big eds n found him n tole him he dint half to pay no ten percent. he thanked me fer that n ast did i promiss i woodnt tell maisie bout it, n i give him my wurd. n fer the rest of that quarter, i wood find innywhar frum $5 to $20 with a note that sed how much he had dun paid n how much more he had to pay.

n thangs wuz fine till one day maisie cum over n saw one of them notes n ast wuznt that kevin ritin? n she wuz reachin to pick it up, but i grabbed it n sed no, twuz a luv note frum susannah.

that made her git real quite, so i ast whut wuz rong, n she sed she wished thar wuz sumbidy that luved her lack that n then she wuz crine. n i sed thar wuz sumbidy that luved her lack that, witch i mint twuz kevin karnes, but she dint unnerstan n jes sed, taint the same, taint the same.

i wonted to tell her who twuz, but i had dun give my wurd to kevin, so i jes sed she had her fambly, n that made her cry all the more n she sed why did she half to fall in luv with a cousin? i dint have no anser to that n i wuz jes glad it hadnt happened to me.

i wonted to tell her that the one that luved her wernt no cousin, but i couldnt. in sted, i kep my wurd to kevin. n fer a while, i wuz glad i dun it n figgered twuz the rite thang.

but befor too long, twuz one of the thangs i mos regretted doin in my hole life.

life of buddy don, chaptur 70:
roena may

my sister roena may wuz born whenever i wuz five years old. i member her cumin home with mama n how i wuz jes big a nuff to carry her roun now n then ifn i gut the chants. the two of us wuz a lot alike in sum ways. we both had brown eyes lack mama, witch eli had blue n brew n maise had hazel or green dependin on the lite n whut they wuz a'wearin. n lack me she wuz a lergick to mos everthang. n wurse wuz how bofus wuz easy criers n that made us natcherul bait fer daddy.

when we wuz havin dinner, daddy wood eethur use the time to quiz us all on importunt thangs lack whut happent in 1066 n why twuz the mos importunt thang ever or whut wuz the capitull of montana or whar wuz the azores n so on, or he n mama wood fite, witch they wuz masters of sar chasm n irony n the hole range of tools ye kin use in a fuss n fite.

n that mint twuz easy fer daddy to make sumbidy cry on a counta even tho he wuz way more edge-ucated than mama wuz, witch she only made it to the 8th grade n he had his docters of jurisprudents frum ut law skool, seem lack she wuz his equal in a fuss n fite, n that mint he had to turn on sumbidy else, witch twood be me ifn i fell fer it but more lackly roena may on a counta it seemed lack he hated her frum the momint he larnt she wuz a gurl.

a hole lot of them fuss n fites twixt mama n daddy wuz over how he treated roena may. sumtimes he wood try to make me cry furst n that wurked bout ever thurd try, but ifn he couldnt, he wood turn on roena may. fer the most part, tho, he wood jes go fer roena may furst thang, n purty soon he wood be makin smart remarks bout how the water wurks wuz a'gittin on his nerves n that wood git her to cryin more so he wood ast sumthin lack did the water main brake? n corse mama wood take up fer roena may n sumtimes the boys wood cum into it on daddys side on a counta we looked up to him the way we dun.

i aint sayin daddy wuz a fair man or that he warnt cruel bout sum thangs, but dint matter to eli, brew n me. we wonted to be lack him till we gut to be teenagers when we wonted to be innythang else. by then, tho, we had dun follwerd after his way of pickin on roena may. we wood call her names n play tricks on her n cut her down ever chants we gut. n ifn we could make her cry, we wood laff n pile on. i aint proud of it, but tiz true n tiz one of them awful truths thats better to cunfess than lie bout.

but roene may wuz made out of strong stuff. i admit she had sum trubles with it whenever she wuz lil. she had her a bald spot on her hed on a counta she wood pull out her hairs n wrap em round her thumb n suck on em till she had swallerd em n then she wood git more till thar warnt hardly no more to git. n we wood call her names lack baldy n spot, witch nuthin wood hurt her wursen us a callin her lack she wuz a dog, 'here spot! cum on gurl! we gut ye sum food.' n we wood have sum dog food thar in a bag n be a shakin it.

n speakin of food, she wuz so hongry fer a lil luv n tenchun that whenever mama wood serve liver, peas or lima beans, we wood git her to eat ourn in eggschange fer half our dessert, ifn thar wuz dessert. ifn thar warnt, we wood offer other thangs. n whuts the verr wurse bout that is how all the kids wuz skinny as rale ceptn fer her n she had to fite fat all her life n to this day she eats when thangs hurts too much.

oh, roena may, ifn only i could take back whut i dun to ye!

but life is a one-way street n ye cant go back n ye cant make up fer nuthin, so ye gut to tell the truth bout it bes ye kin n hope them thats readin mite avoid makin the same bad miss take. not that innybidy ever larned much of innythang by readin or bein tole. seem lack they half to go out n make thar own miss takes to find out how awful they are.

innywho, roena may grew up smart n dun good in skool n when the time cum, she went off to cookevull to skool at tennessee tech. n thar wuz started one of mama n daddys gratest fuss n fites of all time.

why? on a counta daddy had dun tole all of us kids that ifn we wuz thankin bout goin to collidge we wood half to pay fer it our ownself on a counta mama kept daddy payment poor, witch that means she had credit cards n lacked to use em fer thangs lack skool cloze n more cloze fer her ownself than she could git to fit in a closet. n i had to pay my own way n daddy never sed a wurd bout heppin n i never speckted him to.

but mama went behind daddys back n signed a piece of paper promissin that all of roena mays skool eggspentses wood be paid fer by them on time with intrest. they fought over thatn fer years n truth is she had forged his signatchur so he had sum ground to stand on, but fack wuz also that roena may cum thru the furst two years of skool with grate grades n met her husbin, witch he wuz a drummer in a rock n roll band. he had im a huge mustache n wuz a verr smart guy name of jim coates who wuz a'studyin biology.

everbidy lacked him n wuz rite proud of roena may fer makin such a good match. she wuz at her mos beeyootiful on the day the gut marrd. she had lost all her wate almost as soon as she gut out of the house, witch that tells ye a lot bout how thangs wuz fer her. she looked lack a model fer a weddin gown cumpny, n whenever they wuz fixin to go away on thar honeymoon, she put on a green dress n a lil hat with a veil on it n twuz lack a beeyooty queen from the 1920s.

n ever after that, dint matter bout how much daddy carrd on bout how he wuz ronged by whut mama dun, all we could thank bout wuz how roena may had dun eggscaped to a better place. n jim coates went on to git his docterate n be a biology perfesser at lincoln memorial uninversity n ye never met a better man in yer life.

they lived out in the cuntry n had beagles n cats n a garden. n in the winter of 1977 we gut the news she wuz specktin a chile, witch that wood be lillian mize coates who wuz born on october 5, 1977.

n even then, seems lack roena may couldnt ketch a brake. whenever she gut close to her time, the docters tole her twood half to be a ceasarian seckshun, n how she cride to here it on a counta it mint all her babies wood half to be delivered the same way. but she dried her tears befor she gut reddy to go to the hospital n lillian wuz born with a hed of black hair n calmly suckin on her thumb, witch that made mama say she wuz the spittin image of me whenever i wuz born.

me n daddy n maisie drove up to visit the nex day n thar wuz roena may, direcktin traffic n in charge. she tole daddy whar to go to see his furst grandchild n she started to callin him granddaddy the instunt he walked in n yew could see he dint much lack that on a counta he wuz only 55 years old at the time. so he ast could she jes call him gran n bless her hart, thats jes whut she dun n ever after that, mos everbidy in the fambly called him gran.

corse mama wuz not a'gone be called no grandmother or grandie or grandmama or innythang grand atall. she insisted they call her nana n they did, witch eli ast me had she ever read that book by zola n i sed i reckond she hadnt or else she wooda tuck a differnt name. but it stuck to her n folks calls her that even today.

on the drive home, we gut into a talk bout whuther ye wuz born with yer hole persunalty set n daddy tole agin how he bleeved twuz. he splained fer instunts how maisie wuz born happy n wuz happy to that day. corse time wood tell a differnt tale. n roena may wuz born sickly but stoic n never cumplained, n thatn held up purty good. n brew wuz born contented n eli wuz born hyperactiv n scairt of everthang n i wuz born hyperactive n curious bout everthang. n he sed dint matter how he n mama had dun tride to train us on how to do, we wuz set frum birth.

so we ast whut he figgered bout lillian n he sed mama reckoned she wood be a model, n she turnt out to be purty a nuff, but that wernt whut she wonted. n daddy made a perdickshun that wuz a goodn. he sed she wood be a artist on a counta how she looked at him the furst time he held her. n we ast how could he tell frum that, n he sed that a artist is a vitim of his eyes, n hers wuz the eyes of a artist. how rite he wuz.

n roena? he sed she wuz as tuff as they git. so maisie ast wuz he proud of her but befor he could anser sumthin cum on the radio bout the tennessee-georgia tech game n he never ansered.

life of buddy don, chaptur 69:
quittin carbide

ye mite not member sum of the thangs a'goin on in 1977. jimmy carter wuz presdent n one of the best thangs he dun wuz to pardon the viet nam draft evaders. by then thay wuznt too many folks who wonted to claim we wuz rite in that war n it gut to whar ye could see that mayhap resistin wuz the rite thang to do. twernt rite to treat the vets who did serve so bad, but thats sumthin else agin. the federal debt wuz up to $706.4 billyuns, unemployment wuz hi as a kite at 7.1% n the median incum wuz a lil over $13,500. twuz the year of roots n star wars n saturday nite fever n disco. n of corse, twuz the year elvis died. twuz a lucky thang my stereo n records had burnt in the fire n all i had left wuz beethoven.

twuz also the year i finely quit wurkin at union carbide. twuz a puzzle to many of my friens why i wood give up such a good job, but thang wuz, i wonted to make sumthin better out of myself. i could see folks that had spent thar lives at carbide n tho they had big houses down by the lake n late model cars n cuntry club memberships n all, it dint seem lack they had much fun. the main thang they seemed to go fer were them parties lack the ones i rote bout in chaptur 22 darlene gits on out at the plant. i couldnt see no way i wood git any closer to findin whutever twuz i wuz a'lookin fer thataway.

besides, i wonted to go to skool full time n i had purty much wurked thangs out fer that. whenever we bought the farm, i had put down the mos cash n once i had paid off my k-25 credit union loan, i dint half to make payments. my car wuz paid fer n virgil could fix mos innythang. i had a lil money squirrled away n i wuz able to borry a bit frum ut n then sumbidy give me a skolarship n twernt lack i wuz rich, but i wuz payin my bills n livin cheap.

quittin that job tuck a year of plannin n gittin myself reddy. i wuz afraid of givin up such a cushy spot n even tho i dint half to wurk all that hard, i dint feel lack i wuz larnin nuthin nor growin nor improvin. n i wuz mad that they dint wonta pay fer flossofy but aprooved payment fer deductive n inductive logick, witch they wuz flossofy classes, n woodnt pay fer western civ, witch twuz a core requirement. i gut into the collidge skolars program n figgered that mite fix thangs, but i dint wait to find out. i picked a date, september 9, 1977, witch i picked september on a counta it wuz the munth of changes fer me, n rote a letter lettin em know twood be my last day on the job.

the day finely cum n i went thru the hole ritchul. furst they tuck me aside n splained how i wuznt to mentchun nuthin bout the secret stuff i had larnt thar, witch i couldnt have named three secrets ifn i had to. then they splained how ifn i wuz to cum up with a inventchun n git a patent fer innythang having to do with uranium enrichment or creashun of barrier or innythang lack that, then twood be the property of union carbide. then they give me a 4-hour fisicull examinayshun whar i larnt that i weighed 121 lbs, witch i had cum in weighin 122 lbs. since i measure rite at six feet tall, ye kin figger i wuz a lil on the skinny side. my hearing wuz good, my vision 20-20 n my only problem seemed to be the occasional pain in my leg frum the motorsickle acksident n a lil asthma when i gut round 'triggers' n a sinus infeckshun that had lasted fer years but only flared up now n then.

once i had dun all of that, i wuz free. as it happened, i had gut a ride to wurk with susannah on a counta i had loaned my car to eli so he could go over to the vee a in knoxvull n see his shrank n git his medicine. that wuz fine by me on a counta i lacked the idea of walkin home frum thar, even tho twuz quite a ways frum oak ridge n after that i had to git to clinton. but twuz a beeyootiful day with lots of sun n i wuz both happy n sad.

as ye mite recolleck frum chaptur 35 the $15 hed shranker i had dun tride to kill myself three years before i quit carbide. the tree i marked with that event wuz on the rode to k-25, so i made a point of walkin on the left hand side of the rode till i gut to that tree. thar i sat n i reckon i mite have been a'prayin or meditatin or whutever. but as i touched the barkless scar on that tree, i could member how twuz a new start fer me n i had dun gut a bonus life n bein as how twuz jes a bonus fer free, dint matter how good twuz since twuz much better than nuthin. n i made a vow that i wood try to be a better person n try to make myself wurthy of knowin whutever truth twuz i wuz chasin after so hard.

part of that wuz all mixed up in wontin to make myself a riter of novels. i had tole folks how i wuz a riter, n i rote lots of papers n diary entries n such. n corse thay wuz them songs i rote n kep on a ritin to this day, tho they never seemed lack wurk but only jes fell out of the sky into my fangers n voice, so i dint give myself no credit fer em. n i sold the ccasional term paper or essay or even jes rote em or correckted em fer free. n i had a few pomes, but they wernt nuthin next to them ones eli wuz ritin. n thang wuz, whenever folks wood talk bout how i wuz a riter, i wood feel a lil shamed on a counta mos of my bein a riter of novels wernt nuthin but talk bout how i wonted to be a riter of novels.

so whenever i gut into the collidge skolars program n gut docter sheffield fer my tutor, i tole him my senyer projeck wood be a novel n wood have lots of thangs bout flossofy n histry n such in it, n he tole me i should jes make it as good as that paper i rote fer his western civ class name of 'the witness: a credo,' witch i rote bout thatn back in chaptur 65 a dream cum true.

i tole him i wonted it to be better on a counta i wuz tryin to make myself into a better man, n i figgered i had grate thangs to do. i figgered i wood be famus n mayhap wood be able to live offn my ritin. so he ast me why wuz i takin classes n such ifn i wuz wontin to be a riter. why dint i jes rite?

twuz a good questchun. ifn i had the money to go to skool, i shore nuff had the money to stay home n rite. as i wuz sittin by my tree thar on the rode away from carbide, that conversayshun cum back to me, n i wuz a lil ashamed. i touched that bare wound on the tree as if twood give me the courage or strangth or whutever twuz that i needed to quote jes rite unquote.

but thang wuz, i dint thank i could git myself to rite nuthin lessn thay wuz sumbidy waitin to grade it.

life of buddy don, chaptur 68:
our naybor the preechur

in chess thays this concept called zugzwang, witch that means whenever its yer turn, ye gut to move, even ifn thay aint no good moves left to be made.  tiz a sad moment in a chess game whenever ye look at all the possibull moves n see that ever one of em puts ye into wurser problems n ye wish ye had the optshun of not movin atall.

thays been many a time in life when i wished ye had the same optshun n thang bout life is that longs ye gut it, yer in the zugzwang situwayshun. ye gut to do sumthin with yer time. folks cumplains that they aint gut a nuff time, but fack is, most folks dont hardly know whut to do with the time they gut. thats why thays a sayin that goes sumthin lack this: ifn ye wont sumthin dun fast, give it to a busy person.

after i had dun figgered that seekin out futher sensayshuns frum the outside worl wuznt lackly to lead to findin truth, speshly ifn i wuznt reddy to handle it, i gut to wonderin hard on the topic of whut yer spozed to do with yer life n lack all folks that thanks much bout that problem, ye cum rite away to the fack that ye gut to die sooner or later, n seems lack gittin reddy fer that oughta be the main thang folks is a'trine to do. n thays plenty that does jes that, yer preachers n such, but thays plenty more that druther not thank bout morbid depressin topics lack the fack yer gonna die sumday.

while i wuz ponderin all this, me n eli gut to readin bout august strindberg n sum of his idees bout how he gut to bleevin that commun everday events in his life wuz symbolical for deeper n more importunt truths. he figgered thay wuz a message frum god in everthang that happened. the way me n eli figgered it, that mint everbidys life wuz always puttin lessuns in frunt of everbidy n ifn ye gut the point of the lessun, ye gut to move on to a new'n, n ifn ye dint, ye wuz more or less sentenced to a life of repetishun.

i could see how this mite be true, tho the mechanism a runnin it wood half to be more cumplex than life itself on a counta how could ye set it up whar everbidys gittin the lessun they need n life is still a'goin on n folks dont bump into each other with thar lessuns n all. it gut me rite back to the predestinayshun of them presbyteryuns on a counta how whoever wuz settin up the lessuns had to know who wood complete which lessun when n all.

i tride puttin these idees together, but twuz a real mystry howt could wurk. ye gut to ack on a counta bein alive. ifn ye wont to find the truth, ye gut to prepare yerself to be able to hold it or unnerstan it n all. n finely, everthang ye eggsperients in life is spozed to hep ye larn whutever tiz yer here to larn.

so whut wuz ye spozed to do? watch life n see kin ye larn whut yer spozed to do? that wood mean ye had the optshun of not takin a move while ye studied fer whut ye should do. n ifn ye werent doin much of nuthin, how wuz ye gittin reddy to unnerstan or know inny truth? n ifn ye gut that zugzwang on ye fer life, witch ye gut it long as yer alive, then ye cant sit back n study but ye gut to ack n larn n prepar yerself all at the same time, n fack is, it dont seem hardly possibull.

i spent lots of my time puzzlin over how could these three concepts fit together, n thang wuz, i gut to whar i wundered ifn i warnt larnin nuthin on a counta it seemed lack i wuz jes thankin the same ole thoughts overn over agin.

so i deecided i wood make a change in my life. i dun mentchuned how i wonted to have su move in with me while her house wuz a'bein built, but i dont thank i told how mj wuz upset by it n dint wonta live on the land with suze.

it dint seem fair to me that folks on the land wood wonta tell me who i could live with, but tuther half of thatn wuz that i wuz gittin sick of trine to fit into the mold suze had fer me. she tole me one time that she had dun turnt away many a prospectiv lover or husbin on a counta this flaw or thatn, n everbidy could tell ye i wuz full of flaws n faults n bad behaveyer. i gut to ponderin on that till i had my case made n wuz shore i could pull it off. at the verr lease, i wood make my points n quite feelin lack i wuz havin to live up to her idee of me. she wood half to take me lack i wuz.

i picked out a day to tell her all that. twuz august 29, 1977, witch i member on a counta sum strange thangs that happened n made me wunder bout life givin lessuns n all. but mainly i member it fer the fack that suze n me figgered we had got together on august 28 of 1976. i even waited a day to tell her sos it woodnt be so hard, tho twuz the wurk of a callus basturd in eethur case.

innywho, the day i plannedon tell her wuz a mundy. she called n sed she wuz plannin on cumin by the farm that evenin, so i figgered we could take a lil walk in the woods n talk thangs out n then go our sepert ways.

when i gut home mundy evenin, i found brew sittin in the livin room with a joint he had jes rolled, so we smoked it. a lil later, i looked out the kitchen window n saw a well-dressed young man wonderin round on the driveway tween the big house n the green house. i hadnt never seen him befor, n twuz a puzzle how he dint knock on no doors or jes holler out knock knock n cum in. so i went out to see whut did he wont.

turnt out he wuz the preechur frum the church next door. we had dun had our frickshun with the church. they cut down a huge oak tree, a'droppin it rite on our land without so much as a yankee doodle. they dint ast could they doot, n wurst of all wuz how they dint warn us bout it. we could jes magine ifn jill n jason wuz down thar a'playin whenever twuz dun.

n sum of the church members had cumplained to us bout the parties we wuz havin, n they had em a point bout one of em whar we had too many folks n three kegs of beer. i member wakin up bout 4 am in the frunt lawn needin to vomit. i dun it rite thar n barly missed virgil, witch he wuz a'sleepin rite thar too n dint wake up once durin the hole thang. next mornin, i gut up n found thay wuz folks lying drunk or hungover all over the yard n ye could see how good church-goin folks mite not lack seein such thangs next door to thar church.

so thay wuz a lil histry thar, but i hadnt never met the preechur, witch he turnt out to be bout my age with a red baby face n probly no need to shave n hair that looked wet but woodnt stay in place n kep fallin into his eyes. i went out n ast could i hep him with innythang, n he offert his hand n sed, 'john hobbes.' i tuck it n sed 'buddy don duncan.' then he pointed to the porch of the lil house n tole me his dog had cum over n dint seem to wonta leeve that thar porch. i hadnt never seen the dog neethur, but i sed we could git him.

but befor we did, we gut to talkin. i wuz reddy to talk bout relijun to mos innybidy that wood sit still fer it, n here wuz a man who had relijun fer his main bizness, so we had plenty ground to cover. he tole me how he had gut the call n went kickin n screamin into the minstry n how ever since, god had been guidin his feet. n i ast dint god guide em befor? n he sed mayhap god tride, but john hobbes wuz stiff necked, witch i had read that in the bible n never unnerstood it till then.

n we also talked bout the lil graveyard they had em cross the street frum that church, n i tole how odd twuz that thar wuz a grave thar with my sister maisies name on it n that famous sayin, 'dear friens, as ye walk by, as ye are now, so once wuz i, as i am now, soon ye shall be, prepar fer death n follow me.' n he allowed twuz odd.

but whut makes me member that one time i ever saw or spoke to john hobbes wuz sum of the questchuns he ast. furst he ast witch of the two bruthers wuz marrd. i tole him twernt neethur of us but he sed he unnerstood one of us wuz, so i splained how i wuz divorced n that seemed to settle thang fer him. but the more he talked, the more whut i wuz plannin on sayin to susannah run thru my mind n i couldnt hep but thank how much lack a marrg whut we had wuz. n wurse, i couldnt hep but wunder how it had happened that the dog belonging to a quote man of god unquote wood wander up onto our land n park hisself on mjs porch, witch that hadnt never happened in our two years on the farm, n then the preechur wood follow his dog n cummence a discusshun bout marrg with me.

we probly coulda talked all nite bout god n revelayshun n tuther worl, but he suddenly cocked his hed to listn, n we could hear a woman hollerin in the distunts. turnt out to be his wife. he sed he had to go n he started walkin off. his dog cum along without bein called nor nuthin. he gut to the rode bout the time i gut to our door. i wuz fixin to go in when he called out, 'sorry to be so abrupt. yesterdy wuz our anniversry.'

thatn hit me hard on a counta how twuz the anniversry fer susannah n me too. wuz it a message frum god? seemed purty damn near, ifn such thangs wuz happenin. corse, i still had to face susannah that verr evenin, n i couldnt hep but wunder. n i realized that she wuz probly jes as disenchanted with thangs as i wuz. i figgered i wood tell her eggzackly how i felt, that i dint wonta marr n dint wonta have no children fer a long while n that i wuz fixin to quit carbide whuther she lacked it or not, witch that wuz a issue on a counta how wood i pay my part ifn i wernt wurkin? i figgered that talk wood lead to us brakin up. i couldnt be as much of a callus basturd as i planned, couldnt be ruthless nor cold nor jes rashunull.

so we talked n dint brake up. on a counta we had to do sumthin. on a counta i wonted to make myself a better person, sumbidy more wurthy of knowin the truth. but mosly on a counta our naybor the preechur cumin by rite then to talk bout life n god n marrg n everthang.

life of buddy don, chaptur 67:
tuther worl

that trip to new york wuz the furst time i noticed how i dint fit in with folks as good as i reckoned. twuz a lil wurser thanks to them classes i wuz a'takin in the sprang quarter of 1977, witch they wuz concepts of women, animull liberayshun n german.

to start with the obveeus, german, witch i wuz thanking fer sum reason wood be a lil easier to larn than spanish on a counta so many of the wurds looked lack ye could tell whut they mint frum the gitgo. but twuz a powerful hard thang to larn on a counta they used cases whar in english we use wurd placement fer the most part. n that wuz a hard thang to pick up on. thang wuz, by time i wuz in that class, i wuz six or seven years older than most innybidy else in class, incloodin the teechur, witch her name wuz regina bishop n she speckted us to call her by her furst name regina on a counta she dint have her docters degree yet. thay wuz times in that class whar it seemed lack only regina n me had inny noshun of whut we wuz a'studyin or why n it hepped that i wuz so serious on a counta i needed all the hep i could git in that class.

animull liberayshun wuz anuthern that made me wunder did i cum frum a differnt planet than other folks. seem lack everbidy takin the class wuz a'doin it to show the perfersser jes how stupid the idee of liberatin animulls really wuz. corse lots of em cum frum farms n the lack, n thay had dun been in the habit of lookin at animulls as thangs on a counta ifn ye make yer pig a pet, yer gone have trubles when tiz time to slaughter it.

but the points the perfesser wuz a'makin had to do with the concept of whuther it made sense to treat animulls thataway n whuther the worl wood be a better place ifn we treated em lack they had rites of thar own. so lots of time wuz spent in that class splainin how thar wood ackshly be more food fer folks ifn we dint eat meat on a counta how it takes moren 16 lbs of grain to make 1 lb of meat. n thang wuz, ye mite speck at lease one other vegetariyun to show up fer that class, but i wuz thonly one.

n wurst of all, i wuz thonly man in the hole concepts of women class n that seemed to annoy the teechur, witch she wuz a woman name of docter arnott only we wuz spozed to call her miz arnott. turnt out nun of them women in that class wuz too good a playin the grades game n that wuz whar i gut on miz arnotts bad side. one of the main wayz to win at the grade game is to git reddy for class befor yer in it, witch ye got to read everthang n see kin ye unnerstan it, n ifn ye cant, be reddy to ast the questchun furst thang in class sos ye will unnerstan it n make the teecher thank yer the bes fer astin, even tho twuz sumthin ye couldnt ritely unnderstan.

ye gut to member how yer teechur has got to git thru the class period, so whutever ye do to hep that along is a'gone hep ye to win at the grade game. miz arnott wuz one of them teechurs that lacks to ast the questchun, witch that means she wood talk fer a short spell n then ast sum questchun. i had dun larnt long befor then that ifn ye have a teechur that asts the questchun, ye kin hep keep the class movin along by knowin sum of the ansers n razin yer hand to give em.

ye mite thank this kinda hep wooda been welcum, but twernt in the lease n the reason tuck me about half the quarter to figger. turnt out it wood make miz arnott mad that thonly person takin the class all that serious wuz thonly man in it. talk about bein on the inside n feelin lack a outsider! she made me feel lack that the hole quarter long, n i half to say, i sweated that grade moren mos inny i had gut till then. fer the paper we had to rite, i spun up a tale bout socrates n a female slave i made up n give the name of superfluous fer a joke, witch the tale wuz a dialog bout how even a woman could figger out thangs bout equality n such n seems lack it made miz arnott laff. lease thats whut she tole me whenever she callt me aside at the end of the quarter to splain why she had been quote lookin past my hand unquote whenever twuz razed to anser the questchun. it had gut so i dint raze it, but ifn nobidy had the anser, she wood call on me innyway.

i gut strate a marks agin that quarter, but twuz the hardest one yet. i wuz speshly pleased bout the german, witch it tuck more wurk than inny corse i had yet tuck. i wuz glad to take the summer off, n i hoped to spend more time on the farm n git to whar i felt lack i belonged thar.

but twernt to be. the mane thang wuz how everbidy had thar problems with quote the suzie bitch unquote. twuz one of the shames bout the church of the callus basturds, witch ever man on the place had to tell whut he dint lack bout tutherns gurlfriens n seem lack mos of the bad blood wuz spillt bout susannah. seem lack the bigget cumplaint wuz how she wonted all my free time n how i wonted to give it to her. n thay wuz cumplaints ifn i lef ranger with em n cumplaints ifn me or suze tuck him over to her place to stay. n the biggest cumplaint of all wuz how suze wood say, 'bu - u - ddy' in a way that mint she dint agree with whutever i wuz sayin we ought do or remindin me of sumthin i had dun promissd her.

thay wuz times when virgil or brew wood spend thar time trine to cunvints me to brake up with her. n thang wuz, i mite have dun it ceptin fer the way they wuz a pushin fer it, witch that made me wonta keep on with her all that much more. n it made me wonta sleep over at her place much as i could. n that made em mad.

but twernt yer logickull mad n heres why. suze wuz a'lookin to buy land n git her arkateck friend to design n build her a house on it. we spent jes about ever weekend a'lookin fer land till we finely found a lot or two out in claxton. she gut everbidy upset with her on a counta how she talked the seller into sellin two lots fer less than double the price of one, witch wuz grate, only then she tride to sell one of the two lots to her bes friend fer near the price of both of em. n that gut everbidy to talkin bout how greedy she wuz, witch they wuz willin to do the same kinda thang on a dope deal, but not on land.

but whut made thangs near intolerbull wuz how i ast suze did she wonta move in with me while her place wuz a'bein built. once mj heard bout that, she called fer a council meetin n tole everbidy i couldnt jes move folks in n out lack i had dun alreddy dun with lesalle n randy fox. n brew jumped in n sed he dint thank he oughta half to share his house with suzie on a counta he needed his privacy. i wonted to ast bout how twuz that he had gretchen thar, but i wuz sick of the hole fuss n fite by then.

turnt out suze dint lack bein out on the farm much moren they wonted her thar n even tho nobidy wuz sayin how they felt bout her rite in frunt of her face, she could tell thay wuz animossity a'goin on. n thang wuz, we had such a grate garden that year n spent hours n hours n hours wurkin together on gittin thangs canned: beans n tomaters n tomater sauce n spaghetti sauce with no meat in it n apples n apple butter n blackberry jam n more than i care to member.

n whenever we wuz a'doin sumthin lack that, seemed lack everbidy wuz happy till we wuz smokin the after dinner number n suze gut to whar she sed, 'bu-u-ddy' n that mint twuz time to go to bed, dint matter whuther twuz in mine or hern, witch eethur choice wood git folks a lil riled on a counta ifn twuz my bed it mint everbidy had to git quite or go home frum the big house, n ifn twuz her bed, then we had to leeve while the party wuz still a'goin. n they blamed her fer this, but twuz me that wonted to git to bed early.

during this time, i wood go by to see eli mos ever evenin. he wuz livin in canton hall by then n wuz still only gittin 30% disabilty. he had tuck to ritin pomes n i wood go by n ifn i wuz lucky, he wood read me a few, but he wuz rite shy bout em. they wuz good pomes n i could see he wuz the real deal whenever it cum to ritin. twuz livin he couldnt handle. n we wood git to talkin bout thangs, n with eli, that mint talkin bout the fack that everbidy is a'gone die n then whut? n he wuz sayin they wuz all asleep, witch he labeled them quote sleep sheep unquote. he sed twuz his return fer the favor they had dun him by labelin him schizophrenic.

n that gut us to talkin bout tuther worl. n thang wuz, even ifn nobidy wonted to admit they bleeved in it, everbidy had a idee bout it. we figgered the mos common thangs folks bleeved wuz the followin: (1) folks go tuther worl whenever they die, (2) thays angels n demons in tuther world accordin to the bible, (3) thays no reason why murkles wood only happen in the bible n that mint they wuz still a'happenin n (4) murkles is jes sumthin that happens whenever thars a openin twixt the two worls.

twuz along about this time that we read that book by kierkegaard name of fear n trembling, speshly the discusshun bout abraham sacrificin issac on a counta ifn sumbidy wuz to try the same thang in our day n age, abe wood be locked up n isaac wood be farmed out to foster parnts. ours wuz a age that dint bleeve in murkles lessn they cum frum science.

but eli dint take it thataway. he sed murkles wuz still a'happenin, n one thang that kep the sleep sheep asleep wuz how they couldnt tell when a murkle happened. ifn they could, they wood wake up. n eli sed i wuz his spirtchul twin n thonly differnts twixt the two of us wuz how he wuz crazy n i wuz undiagnosed. n i tuck that as a complimint n part splainayshun bout why i felt lack i wuz a outsider but it dint git me off the topick.

n heres how i speckulated bout it. fer one thang, to live life day after day, ye gut to let thangs settle into whut ye kin perdict n all, n purty soon, yer not noticin much of innythang. everthang gits to be covered up in everdayness. ye git to whar ye dun seen mos everthang a hunnert times befor. purty soon, nuthin much eggcites folks lessn it steps out frum the false everdayness of thangs almos to whar it seems lack tiz 3 dimenshunull when everthang else is 2 dimenshunull. even tho everbidy claims theys rashunull n scientifick n all, fack is, theys verr superstishus. thang is, we git mos eggcited by thangs we cant splain with science.

corse, to the outside worl we pertend that thangs is rashunull n scientifick n that makes folks thank we aint crazy, but in our mos private momints, when it cums time to cunsidder whuts really importunt, seems lack reason sits down n superstishun stands rite up. we wont sumthin more, eethur gods, dying gods, ghosts, witches, magick, stars, moon, tarot, divinayshun, alchemy, yew name it. we git fed up with keerful scientifick splainayshuns of thangs n we cum to realize that we cant git to the secrets of the universe till we face them parts of our ownself whar thangs cant be splained. n at that time, i could look at the worl we had created with reason n science n it dint seem so good, speshly since the main thang we dun with our reason n scientific knowledge wuz to cum up with moren more horrbull ways of killin each other.

ifn ye take this to the eggstream, then ye mite start claimin ye bleeve thangs science cant proov. n ye should git reddy fer the mental helth clink ifn ye let folks know that ye bleev in tuther worl or thank ye kin communicate with folks in tuther worl n so on. lessn yer a'doin it in church on sundy, ye ought not try it atall on a counta folks is gonna thank yer crazed. n thang is, eli wuz usin that verry method in trine to git up to 100%, witch he finely dun it that summer by gittin put into the vee a (veterans administrayshun) hospital in nashvull, brakin out, gittin put back in, n finely cumin out after near two munths with his 100%, witch twuz the lass time he ever wurked at shoneys.

n how did he git em to lock him up? he ast his hed shranker did she bleeve in the bible n whenever she sed she did, he ast bout the demons n angels n did she bleeve them parts as well. n she gut to splainin the o'fishull scientific mumbo-jumbo on thatn bout schizophrenia n all, but eli sed twernt so n he could proov it, only she woodnt take nun of his proofs since thar wuz always other ways of splainin thangs, witch thats whut science is really all bout. but he insisted that thay wuz still angels n demons n he could hear em talkin n they sumtimes wuz nuthin but a tormint but sumtimes they wuz inspirin. he offerd to show his shrank sum of his poetry, but she dint thank it could have inny place in his therpy.

he gut whut he needed out of it, but i wuznt satisfide in the lease. i could see whar i wuz wurried bout how i couldnt bleeve neethur end of the line that runs twixt scientifick reason n mysticull dogma. i ast myself overn over agin whut wuz real, n i couldnt find the anser on eethur side. science dint seem to have no sole nor hart neethur on a counta ifn it did, how could it be cumin up with thangs lack newtron bombs n bigger highways n a rearranging of the elements of the worl into piles of sludge or in landfills. on tuther hand, i couldnt bleeve whut i wuz readin frum folks that claimed to have been in tuther worl, folks lack edgar cayce, bishop pike, jane roberts, aleister crowley n all em otherns.

thang is, i knew thay had to be more to life than meets the eye or even the quote i unquote. science seemed lack a monster n mistysism seemed to make monster outta folks n both seem importunt to folks, but witch is rite? n part of the reason i am ritin bout this is how i speck ye must wonder ifn i fall fer everthang that cums along. am i a crackpot? jes a nuther drug user? i had dun been fooled by test tubes n weejee bords n tarot cards n proofs n dreams n thang is, i figgered i wuz livin in bof worls, witch my mind wood be the rashnull part that wonted to live in this worl with nuthin more magickull bout it than material laws that kin be discovered n manipulated n all, but my hart would be the one that wonted to live in tuther worl whar thay wuznt nuthin material atall.

n since everbidys gut to die, the questchun seemed lack twuz the mos importunt of em all, even tho mos folks lacked sleepin better, witch ye kin see the attrackshun of elis idee bout them sleep sheep. n fack is, it seemed lack all the folks i knew mite as well have dun give up on tuther worl: (1) even eli ignored everthang but his own intuishun n thar wuz times when he n i knew he wuz claimin to hear a voice tell him to do sumthin that he wuz alreddy a'wontin to do innyway; (2) virg seemed lack he wuz afraid he mite find sumthin that dint agree with how he dun cunclooded the worl oughta be; (3) mj bleeved she had dun found it and that innybidy that disagreed with her wuznt nuthin but assholes, witch thonly problem with that wuz how she couldnt splain whut it is she had found; (4) brew thunk twuz all a game: 'let's put on sum musick n git hi!'; (5) suze kindly lacked to discuss idees that dint come close: she could bleeve innythang with her mind but nuthin with her life ceptin whutever mite hep her git richer than she alreddy wuz; (6) darlene wuz a scientist n she had dun claimed back in the weejee days that the questchun wus moot n therefor uninnerestin; (7) daddy claimed he had dun figgered out that thay wuznt nuthin but quote whut meets the eye unquote; (8) randy fox claimed the anser could be found thru senshul playshure n colleckshun of material items; (9) my sister roena may wuz pregnunt n that sed bout everthang ye kin bleeve, witch ima gone splain lots more bout roena may direckly; n (10) corse thay wuz mama, who bleeved in makin up her face n dressin the part of a sofistickated woman, her anser bein whut she called elegants. n i could go on, but yer gittin the point.

durin this time i met a guy who made me wonta change how i wuz livin. his name wuz bill or bob or sumthin n he wuz the boyfrien of the woman suze tride to sell the land to. he played gittar n cum over one time to jam with me. we smoked a joint n played fer a few hours n then gut to talkin. he sed he had quote put down the surch unquote on a counta he sed focusin on it wuz keepin him frum findin innythang he mite be surchin fer. n we gut to talkin bout books n all, n i could see he wuz much more serious n advantsed bout his surch than i ever wuz. it seemed lack he wuz trine to make hisself sumthin wurthy of knowin the truth. n i hadnt never seen it thataway n wonted to change.

he splained bout gautama buddha n other such folk n it hit me hard n i felt shamed that i had tuck the easy way out ever time. that i wuz lookin fer a push button anser. n i could see that he wuz rite, that ye couldnt git the truth into a unwurthy vessel, n i could feel jes how unwurthy i wuz. i hadnt even read no thomas mann, fer instunts, n he wuz splainin how ye couldnt unnerstan the 20th centry without readin the magic mountain. n thats jes the tip of the iceberg of all he tole me n how small i felt afterds.

i gut to feelin jes that much more lack a fake n a outsider wharever i went. i gut a idee how far thangs had gone twords the end of that concepts of women class. i wuz quite sprized when one of tuther students ast me out on a date, witch i wuz fixin to tell her bout suze n how i couldnt when she sed she wuz hopin we could trip together n mayhap git past the material worl to find the truth quote beyond the veil unquote. she wuz a purty thang n she had her own acid n i knew i dint wonta make a life with suze. so why woodnt i wonta take her up on her offer? i tole her twuz on a counta i wuz alreddy in a relayshunship n she tuck it fine. but thang wuz, it seemed crazy to thank ye could git the truth bout tuther worl by gittin so hi ye could barely thank.

life of buddy don, chaptur 66:
inside n still a outsider

twuz in january of 1973 whenever they cum out with that roe v wade thang. i hadnt give aborshun much thought befor then, tho thar wuz the time a gurl in my class had to go to japan on a counta she has been raped n gut pregnunt by it. n we wood here bout gurls that had tride to do thar own aborshuns n hurt tharselves or even killt tharselves, so thay wuz sum folks sed twuz a good thang n thar wuz otherns claimed twuz murder n the more i listened to them argumints on eethur side, the harder it gut to figger. me n daddy wood give it a few hours of debate ever now n then n dint matter witch side we tuck, we could find plenty argumints.

but i gut to thankin n wishin i could be a famus riter n all n the hole aborshun thang seemed lack it lef room fer a bit of clever ritin. i wuz inspired by that thang jonathan swift rote bout the modest proposal, so i tuck sum paper n writ a letter to the editor of the daily beacon, witch thats the name of the student newspaper. n my main joke in the letter wuz how aborshun wuz a lil too quick on the trigger. i sed we wood be better off to let the chile be born sos we could figger whut kinda offents it wuz a brangin into the worl, whuther twuz too retarded or too sick or too malformed or too female or whut, kinda lack them greeks dun. n daddy lacked it n mama sed she dint know i wuz agin aborshun n i sed i dint know witch way to go on it but i reckoned my letter cum down on the anti side of it.

but the reackshun that sprized me most cum frum suze. she dint lack my letter atall n sed she dint know i wuz such a cunservativ n i sed i dint eethur. n that gut us in a argumint over whuther a woman has the rite to cuntrol her own bidy n i tuck the cheap shot of sayin she oughta cuntrol it by not gittin pregnunt n the argumint went strate to a fuss n fite. n we sed mayhap we shouldnt see each other fer a while n we slep apart fer a cuple of days, but then the weekend cum along n purty soon we wuz over the argumint.

bout a week or so after that, she tole me part of why she wuz wurried bout whut i had writ, n turnt out she wuz plannin on takin me on a lil trip to new york to meet the uncle that razed her n her two bruthers n her sister n see whar she went to syracuse, witch they use orange same as them vols only theys called orangemen.

n i wuz touched that she wood invite me n i wonted to go on a counta i wuz as curyas as could be but i dint wonta send the rong message. fer sum reason, ever since the nite i touched her hed, i had give up the idee that we wood ever marry. she sed she woodnt take no fer a anser that she needed sumbidy to escort her whenever she went to new york city n she knew how bad i wonted to go thar. n the hole negosheeayshun wuz dun in bed, so she swung over me to whar her hair wuz fallen down in my face n she kisst me n moved in a sartin way she knew i lacked, then she ast me please not to menchun nuthin bout whut i thought bout aborshun durin the trip. n she kep movin till i sed her wish wuz my desire.

we tuck her vw on a counta i wuz lettin randy fox use mine while he wuz gittin his car fixed, witch her had cun crashed his transam. we drove up thru cleveland n over to buffalo n we tuck our time n stopped fer picnics along the way. she always packed food n water n wine n bout four kinds of theevil weed, n thang wuz, ye never did without nuthin ye mite wont ifn suze could hep it. ye mite be late to everthang ye went to, but ye never did without nuthin ye mite need.

the main reasons she had fer a'goin to new york at that particlar time wuz how she had a niece that wuz a'turning 13 n she wuz a'gone have a bat mitzvah, witch i hadnt never herd of such a thang tho i had herd of a bar mitzvah, n her bruther wuz draduwaitin frum law skool in boston.

we gut to buffalo in time to find a hotel room n settle in the nite before. her lil bruther petey wuz a'stayin in the same hotel, so he wuz the furst i gut to meet. he wuz a tall skinny kid with big ears. he had him a short roly poly gurlfriend who never sed a wurd. he drove a purple pacer n had him a cb n his handle wuz simons son, witch thar daddy wuz named simon bilder n thar mama wuz deborah, names i wood here overn over agin durin the weekend in buffalo.

then we drove over to her uncle moishes house. twuz a huge place of luxury the lack of witch i hadnt never seen in life. thay wuz at least five bathrooms in the house n twuz so large we coulda stayed thar ifn we had ast early a nuff but as twuz, thay wuz four or five famblies a'stayin. n i gut to meet the res of her fambly, her sister deborah who wuz the oldest, n her brother josh who wuz bout to graduwait frum law skool up in boston, witch we wuz plannin to go to that too.

her uncle wuz a big man with a verr red face n red hair n pale gray eyes n glasses that wuz tinted sorta orange lack cep whenever he went out in the sun they turnt into sun glasses. n we talked bout lots of thangs n he lacked how i wuz a genuwine southerner or so he sed only he kep specktin me to thank thangs i dint thank, speshly bout black folk. n he made me feel speshul on a counta bein differnt frum everbidy.

next day we went to the bat mitsvah n rite away i could see how mos everbidy thar sides me wuz jewish. n they wuz as nice as could be, but the hole time, twuz as if i were a novelty that could entertain by how it talked. n i played the role n had a grate time, enjoyin the servus whar the lil gurl dun her furst readin frum the torah or whutever twuz. i hadnt never seen one n i dint wonta call more tenshun to the fack that i dint know much bout whut wuz a'goin on.

i couldnt know it then, but i wuz passin frum the time in life whar i wuz one of the insiders to whar i wuz generly the outsider. n thang wuz, at the same time was the outsider, folks wuz lettin me in. twood happen agin n agin, n i dont know the exact moment when i gut to whar i wuz never quite a insider ceptn fer when i wuz over at mamas n the fambly wuz around.

twooda been wurse ceptn turnt out suze had felt thataway her hole life on a counta her uncle moishe had always tride to be lack a real daddy n her ant lenore tride to take her mamas place, but she woodnt let her n thang wuz, suze n her bruthers n sisters could feel the resentment. n whut made thangs harder wuz how her uncle n ant tride to have children of thar own but jes couldnt till they finely give it up n adopted, witch thats whar suze's niece cum frum, witch her name wuz alison leigh bilder n i member that on a counta twuz plastered all over everthang. n even that made suze n her siblings feel wurser on a counta they never had no mitzvah, bar or bat, lack thisn.

so we both felt a lil outside, even ifn twuz her own fambly, n i gut to thankin how she mus feel a deep down lonely on a counta at lease if gut my fambly n kin feel lack ima part of that.

taint that her uncle moishe wuz innythang but nice. he insisted on payin fer the hotel n he put on an amazin feed at the hotel whar they had the bat mitzvah n then later on at his house, whar the dinin room wuz biggern inny room i had ever dun seen in a house whar peeple lived befor.

n then he tuck us to show us his offus, witch turnt out he wuz a aborshunist n twuz a bit of a sprize on a counta he looked jes lack reglar folks. his offus wuz sumthin to see. he had tricked out each of the rooms with a serene soothin mood enhancin set of decorayshuns. one wuz lack a sea shore with all the walls painted so it seemed lack ye wuz a'sittin in a lounge chair on the sand a'lookin at the sunset whenever the docter wuz a'doin his bizness. n he turnt up a lil knob, n suddenly ye could feel the waves. n he insisted both suze n i take turns a gittin up in the chair to see whut twuz lack, n twuz a fack i coulda tuck a nap rite thar. n he had a nuther room whar twuz deep in the forest n ye could hear the katydids a sawin away. n thar wuz one that wuz a lake with a waterfall a'comin down into it. n thay wuz all rite nice.

whenever we wuz back in the hotel room she sed dint i see why she wonted me to keep quite bout whut i thought? n i could see whar twooda been downrite rude to be makin comments under the circumstantses.

n to proov how she dint feel lack part of the fambly all that much, she called to say goodbye early on sundy mornin n promissd she wood see the fambly in boston. n we lef after havin brakefuss with petey, handle of simons son, witch he spent the hole time talkin bout how awful twuz that they had to be part of such a thang n all on a counta thar daddy a dyin.

she drove us to syracuse n we walked round the campus thar n she tole me bout how she had met the boyfriend she followed to tennessee thar n how he wuz a disc jockey n wonted to brang good musick to the hicks in the sticks, witch he dint know we alreddy had us sum n he dint last long. she had brought a thermos of coffee n she bought sum italian bread n we drunk coffee n munched on that fresh bread while drivin twords massachussetts.

the next stop wuz boston whar we wuz a'gone watch her bruther graduwait frum northeasturn university sos he could practice law. n bout all i member bout that wuz they had em this speaker who wuz a'trine to make the stoodents cunsidder whuther they ought not do a lil pro bono wurk sos they could git lawyers a better reputayshun. n the part i member best bout the speech wuz the joke she tole, bout thar wuz three folks stuck in a raft that had sharks a'circlin n thar wuz a doctor n a preacher n a lawyer n they dint know whut to do till the lawyer sed he wood take care of it n he jumped overbord. all the sharks scattered, n the preacher ast the lawyer why n he sed, 'profeshnull courtesy.'

then we had the celebrayshun dinner n thays two thangs i member bout it. one wuz how her bruther couldnt shut up bout how awful that speech wuz n how he wuznt doin no pro bono nuthin on a counta he had bills to pay n a fambly to raise n his wife blushed whenever he sed that. n tuther wuz how they all couldnt stop talkin bout johnny majors n how he had jes won the nashnull champeenship a'coachin pittsburgh n he had jes announced how he wuz a'gone return home to tennessee sos he could coach them vols.

n yew mite coulda thought thats all i wuz, a vol fan, witch them wuz the years when i wuz a'goin to skool over thar n that wuz a hard time to lack football on a counta how it dominated everthang on campus n side twuz during the 11 game losin streak to alabama so i wuz havin a hard time seein whut wuz so grate bout havin johnny majors back.

i wuz glad to git away frum that celebrayshun n suze wuz a'feelin the same. we figgered we wood drive to new york city on a counta we dint wonta half to rent a hotel room n she had a friend we could stay with once we gut to quote the city unquote.

n the hole way she wuz talkin bout how good a impresshun i had made on her uncle moishe n all tutherns n i wuz wondering whut differnts it could make on a counta thar wuznt no way we wuz thankin bout marrg. lease i wuznt. but fer sum reason, i wuz glad bout bein found acceptabull.

new york wuz lack disneyland fer adults n we had a grate time thar. her friend had a 2 bedroom apartment on 2nd avenue, witch i dint know how nice that apartment wuz at the time on a counta apartments seemed purty small to me since i had always lived in a house, but i could see whar suze thought her friend denny had the best place ye could possbly git.

we tuck the circle tour, witch thats a boat that goes all the way round the island of manhattan n they tell bout all the histry n rich folk n movie stars that lives thar. n we ate at all kinda restrunts, greek n italian n mexicun n chinese n lots of kinds of food i hadnt never had. n we went to samual weisers bookstore whar i spent near $100 on books. n late one nite we went over to 42nd street n found whar thay wuz a triple x rated movie n we went in to see it, but it wuz mostly a disappointment on a counta thar wuz no story n no seduckshun n folks wuz nekkid too fast n bout thonly thang wurth seein wuz when thay wuz two women a'doin it n thang bout that wuz how suze gut all eggcited by it n i ast why n she sed twuz thonly scene with oral attenshuns bein properly applied.

we gut home to our room in her friends apartment n had us a real good time n seemed lack we shoulda felt rite close. i had dun met her fambly n friends n seen thangs frum her past. but all i could thank bout wuz makin sure not to say them wurds whenever she wuz properly applyin the oral attenshuns her ownself.

i wonted to laff on a counta how, even at a moment lack thatn, when i shoulda been lost in the sinsayshuns, all i could thank how i wuz inside n yet still a outsider.

readin of buddy don:
1977 book list frum the search

• Tertium Organum by P. D. Ouspensky
  
• In Search for the Miraculous by P. D. Ouspensky
  
• The Fourth Way by P. D. Ouspensky
  
• All and Everything: Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson by G. I. Gurdjieff
  
• Meetings with Remarkable Men by G. I. Gurdjieff
  
• Herald of Coming Good by G. I. Gurdjieff
  
• Views from the Real World; Early Talks of Gurdjieff by G. I. Gurdjieff
  
• Gurdjieff by Louis Pawels
  
• Gurdjieff: Making a New World by John G. Bennett
  
• Long Pilgrimage (Shivapuri Baba) by John G. Bennett
  
• The Outside by Colin Wilson
  
• The Occult by Colin Wilson
  
• Magick in Theory and Practice by Aleister Crowley
  
• Moonchild by Aleister Crowley
  
• Diary of a Drug Fiend by Aleister Crowley
  
• The Book of Thoth by Aleister Crowley
  
• The Tarot by Mouni Sadhu
  
• The Tarot by Alfred Douglas
  
• The Scientific Basis for Astrology by M. Gaugelin
  
• Astrology: The Celestial Mirror by Warren Kenton
  
• Sun Signs by Linda Goodman
  
• Sun Sign Reflections by Maria Elise Crummere
  
• Astrology -- The Stars and Human Life by Christopher McIntosh
  
• Is It Too Late? by John B. Cobb
  
• The Way of Life by Lao Tzu
  
• The Nature of Hypnosis by Paul Schilder
  
• Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross
  
• The Fall by Albert Camus
  
• Existentialism and Human Emotions by Jean-Paul Sartre
  
• Irrational Man by William Barrett
  
• The Western Intellectual Tradition by J. Bronowski and Bruce Mazlish
  
• From Plate to Nietzsche by E. L. Allen
  
• The Worldly Philosophers by Robert L. Heilbroner
  
• An Inguiry int the Human Prospect by Robert L. Heilbroner
  
• The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand
  
• Walden and Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau
  
• The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx & Fredrick Engels
  
• Freedom from the Known by J. Krishnamurti
  
• The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm
  
• Young Man Luther by Andrew Weil
  
• Games People Play by Eric Berne
  
• What Do You Say After Hello? by Eric Berne
  
• I'm OK, You're OK by Dr. Thomas Harris
  
• The Technology of Teaching by B. F. Skinner
  
• Walden Two by B. F. Skinner
  
• Animal Rights and Human Obligations by Tom Regan and Peter Singer
  
• Animal Rights by Peter Singer
  
• Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
  
• Helter Skelter by Vincient Bugliosi
  
• The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda
  
• A Separate Reality by Carlos Castaneda
  
• Journey to Ixtlan by Carlos Castaneda
  
• Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda
  
• Magister Ludi by Hermann Hesse
  
• The Splendid Century by W. H. Lewis
  
• The Haunted Woman by Hal Lindsey
  
• Voyage to Arcturus by Hal Lindsey
  
• Hitler, a Study in Tyranny by Alan Bullock
  
• The Cloister and the Hearth by Charles Reade
  
• All Quiet on the Western Front by Eric Remarque
  
• The Last of the Wine by Mary Renault
  
• Future Shock by Alvin Toffler
  
• The Bible

life of buddy don, chaptur 65:
a dream cum true

as the winter quarter wuz nearin its end, i wuz studyin my classes, witch i wuz takin inductiv logick, deductiv logick and western civ, and i wuz studyin magick bout as hard as i had ever dun. i wuz gittin reddy fer the visit to quote the house unquote n i wonted to git as prepared as possibull. i wuz also wurkin graveyards, so i fell back into the bad habit of takin a lil nap ever nite.

heres the way thangs genrly run. i wood git in by midnite n spend a lil while ritin in my diary. then i wood wurk on thangs carbide needed, ifn i wuz the lease behind or had real wurk to do, or i wood study. mosly, i wood study, but since my classes in logick dint need much in the way of reedin, i wuz plowin thru them crowley books n other books on mistysism. long about 3:30 or 4, i wood eat my dinner while readin one of them books. after dinner i wood wurk fer a bit, but purty quick i wuz jes too tired to keep my eyes open.

ye probly cant pitcher this place all that well. twuz a huge factry buildin, two stories that wuz each maybe 100 feet high filled up with old equipment, witch mos of it wuznt bein used but only rustin. them bildins wuz mosly deserted overnite. thar wuz a offus complex on one side whar they kep the xerox machine n the conferents room n that wuz whar all the big bosses wood sit, only twuz locked at nite. n the offus i had wuz on tuther side of thangs, over in the ackshul factry part of the place. the offus wuz only sum walls n glass put up in the middle of the controls overlookin part of the factry. twernt a place mint fer a offus, but whenever the place wuz built, the dint know computers wuz a'gone cum along to play a role. the cumputer lived downstairs in a speshul room with extry air cundishnin n they wuz folks down thar lookin at the controls n all, but thay wuznt nobidy up on the secund floor. the only lite up thar wuz in my offus n the exits.

the point is that twuz a spooky place. thay wuz plenty of creaks n odd noises n rushin wind on a counta thay wuz plenty of holes whar the wind frum outside could leak in n make noises. fer the mos part, this never botherd me nun, but thay wuz times when i wuz takin naps that i gut real scared. lots of that had to do with the kinda thangs i wuz a'dreamin durin them naps.

i rote mos of them dreams down in my diary, but i wont bore ye with em. they wuz about whut ye mite speck frum a mind that wuz spendin all its spare time readin bout the occult. sevrul times i dreamed bout a evil woman n a power struggle twixt the two of us. i dreamed bout the dead risin frum thar graves n trine to cum in on me. i dreamed i wuz awake n couldnt move my bidy n in the dream i wood member bout how i wuz dreamin n sumtimes i wood find myself a'lookin at my own bidy from the outside. n thay wuz many other dreams that wooda made a good horror movie on a counta i wuz fillin my brain with occult matters, n it wuz burpin em rite back at me as lil scary dreams.

but the dream that hurt me mos wuznt bout no occult matters. twuz bout my suze blues. in that dream we wuz ice skatin, witch we hadnt never dun nuthin lack that befor. in the dream, we had cum to the skatin rink by coincidents n dint know tuthern wuz a'gone be thar. but we met up n gut to skatin round together n playin. we wuz havin a grate time a'weavin in and out of tuther skaters n laffin n half dancin as we glided round the rink. then thangs suddenly changed up n we wuz  lyin in a field of grass. seem lack we jes then noticed how we wuz together fer the furst time in a long time n she tole me sumthin lack, buddy, i dont never wont us to be apart no more. corse even in my dream i had to injeck my lil piece of anger so in sted of givin her a kiss, i tuck to splainin how i hated her attatood.

then the i had a long belch that woke me up n i sat thar at that desk with a achin hed n hurtin hart n dry throat n wunderd why did it half to be that our dreams could tortchur us thataway? n fer a while, i wuz mad as could be at her n i even rote bout how i hated bein that mad on a counta it mint i must care a lot more fer her than i wonted to add mitt to my ownself, n that made me even madder till i wonted to say i hated her, but as they say, thars a thin line tween luv n hate. n that dream happened on march 8 of 1977.

i menchun that on a counta twuz a dream that cum true, only it tuck 2 weeks to git a'goin. twuz on a thursdy nite when i woke up n checked my mail n thay wuz two thangs in it. one wuz my grades, witch i gut a nuther 4.0 fer that quarter, n tuther one wuz a letter frum susannah. i wuz sprized as could be whenever i saw the ritin on the envelope n i tore it open to see whut it could be. heres whut she had wrote:

Dear Buddy,
     Forgive the Xerox and the stoned out writing. But I have been wanting to tell you, somehow, for a long time, that I didn't just forget about you, and I want to tell you how much I care and love you and think of you all the time.

twuz one of them thangs i dint even know i wuz a wontin, so ye mite could say i dint beware of it lack i mite shoulda dun. as i tuck my bath n gut reddy fer wurk, i couldnt git my mind to slow down in the lease. fack is, i wuznt nuthin but a bundle of emoshuns n idees that dint all fit together. i couldnt hep but still care fer her n bleev i still luved her, but i wuz full of anger n resentmints n bitter memries.

i wonted her n i wonted to remain free. n i wonted to keep in the search n sum kinda way i knew that i couldnt do that n be with her at the same time. i needed to let thangs be the way they wuz.

but whut i dun wuz sit at my desk fer hours trine to rite her a letter back n of corse, since i genrly finish my assignmints, i gut thru thatn too. i tole her that i luved her but that i couldnt take her part time n wonted all or nuthing. ifn she wonted to wait till i wuz dun with skool, then she needed to be with my while i wuz a'goin to skool. ifn she wonted to meet me at the end of the rode, then she needed to walk that rode with me. ifn that woodnt wurk, mayhap we could jes say our goodbyes all over agin. but i also rote that i luved her in eethur case.

that mornin, i couldnt wait fer the mail to run its corse, so i give su a call n sed i had gut her letter n wrote her back n she sed why dint i brang it by her offus rite then. twuz more temptayshun than i could resist, so i  dun it n a blind fool coulda seen how eggcited i wuz.

if thays such a thang as magick, ye mite could say we wuz under the spell. the air wuz sparklin n we wuz verr happy to see each other. we talked bout a hour n sed everthang we thought we had to say. finely i wuz reddy to go, n she ast did i wonta do sumthin that weekend. i ast whut she had in mind n ye kin jes magin my sprize whenever she ansered she wonted to go ice skatin.

by that time, i wuz a'wurkin a new skedule, witch i cum in at 1 pm n wurked till 9 sos i could go to skool in the mornin but still have time at wurk when everbidy wuz thar. fer that reason, me n su decided we wood go out on saturdy nite n jes res on fridy. in fack, i wuz registerin fer classes that verr friday n i gut signed up fer three of em, witch two wuz flossofy classes, one called animal liberation n tuther called concepts of women, n tuther wuz german, witch the reason i wuz a'takin thatn wuz i figgered since i wuz makin nuthin but a marks ceptn fer the golf class, then it oughta be possibull fer me to git sum kinda skolarship or fellaship to study in europe. i picked german on a counta i had dun give spanish a lil try in hi skool n twuz clear i wuznt a'gone be able to larn that particlar lingo.

innywho, i gut up on saturdy mornin n virgil n mj n me gut daddys rototiller to wurkin agin n we dug up sum ground sos we could plant thangs lack taters n onions n sweet peas. this wuz our second year, n everbidy had his lil seckshun of the garden to make n twuz a hole lot more fun n we grew lots more.

while we wuz wurkin thar we gut a visit frum eli n trudy, witch she had dun broke up with oscar clowder who she gut together with after the faltz pregnuncy. they had em sum crystal t n trudy cum up n leaned into me n ast did i wonta go down in the woods with her n share sum of the powder, n jes to be polite i sed twuz a temptayshun but --

-- n rite then, here cum the but, the orange vw that splained all the buts i needed at that momint so trudy sed sumthin ugly to me n went off into the woods n su cum up to me n give me a kiss n ast could she hep but i tole her she wuz dressed up too purty but could she wait till i wuz dun n she did n then i went to take a bath n she ast could she hep by washin my back n she knew the anser.

i gut dressed n we went to eat at los charros over in fort sanders near ut n the hole time i wuz jes a'lookin at her n feelin so glad we wuz back together. we had only been apart fer a munth, but it seemed a lot longer on a counta we both thought twuz a'gone be ferever.

durin the meal we wuz talkin bout sumthin i had writ fer my second western civ class, a essay name of 'the witness: my credo,' n i wuz rite proud of it on a counta docter sheffield rote on it how twuz the bestn he had dun read n whenever he gut to whar he wuz jes sleep walkin thru life, he wuz a'gone read it agin.

n i tole her bout a program at utk they had called collidge skolars n how one of my flossofy teacher, docter smith, ast me why dint i git in it, so i wuz applyin n i wonted docter sheffield to be my tutor n i wuz a'gone put in that essay as proof i wuz wurthy. n ifn i gut in, i wuz a'gone half to rite a senyer projeck, witch my plan wuz to rite a novel n mayhap the witness: my credo wood be the start or end of it or at lease a part of it.

n she wonted to read it all the more whenever i tole her that n she sed she wuz thankin mayhap tyhe collidge skolars plan wuz the rite thang fer me on a counta i mite git to whar i wuz ritin books that made lots of money or at lease made her folks thank she had dun marrd sumbidy.

n that wuz the furst time we had ever used that wurd 'marrd' bout us n seemed lack it jes gut us more wurked up than ever. she insisted on payin the bill on a counta she wuz liberated n had to proov it ever now n then n fack wuz, she lacked to keep thangs bout as even as could be. whenever we gut out of the restrunt, she turned n grabbed me n sed, 'i love you, buddy don duncan.' i tole her the same by sayin, 'i luv you, susannah leah bilder.' twuz quite a momint.

then we went skatin n twuz a lot lack my dream. afterds we went home n had sex all nite n then we went out in her canoe on sundy n thangs wuz much better on a counta my new skedule.

or lease, they wuz better fer sundys on a counta i dint have to git in bed so early. but durin the week we had conflicks frum the git go on a counta i wonted to git in bed by 10 n she wonted to stay up a lot later. but we wurked thru it purty good n thangs wuz fine fer a few weeks.

then we went to a party at sum of her friends. i dont member all thar names n we dint see em much, but the arkateck wuz thar, witch he wood build her house whenever the time cum later on, n thay wuz lots of otherns that wuz real hi class with degrees n good jobs n all. n i wuz feelin so in love with her that whenever we gut back in the car n i wuz bout to drive off, i stroked her head n tole her i luved her.

n sum kinda way, that led to a fuss n fite whar she sed i dint have to pet her n she dint wont me to pay her tribute. n frum thar, we gut to whar we woodnt say them wurds no more n i gut to whar i dint wonta show her no affeckshun nor nuthin, only we wood still had sex.

twuz near the end of the nex quarter at skool by then, n all i could thank wuz that i had gone so far long in ever search fer everthang. n sumhow i wuz jes gittin back to the beginnin, whar i couldnt be happy with a woman n dint wonta go back to not havin one. a dream had cum true, n i shoulda been glad but it jes gut me to wunderin if twere the fate of all folks to be alone, no matter how many folk they mite have round em.

me n suze  spent most ever free momint we could together, but sumhow, frum that moment when i made the miss take of strokin her hed, everthang we did jes reminded me of how lonely twuz to be alive.

life of buddy don, chaptur 64:
ponderin the belly buttn of the beast

back whenever lori jackson n i touched that weejee bord and felt it cum alive, twuz the start of me searchin to unnerstan why n how n all. it seemed to me that twuz important that thangs lack that could happen, n i wonted to find out whuther twuz true or jes a weerd thang that maybe she dun, tho twuz impossibull to bleev she wood do a thang lack that.

but it gut me to readin n studyin lack crazy. i dun menchuned how i wuz a studyin carlos castaneda n readin bout don juan n fack wuz, i wuz wishin i could run up on a don juan of my own. i gut to whar i wood read mos innythang bout the occult i could git my hands on, thangs lack linda goodmans sun signs n other books. n corse thay wuz them books by or about g i gurdjieff. but i wood read innythang good or bad, n that mint i gut to readin bout numerology, witch that led to readin pythagoras more keerful lack n the kabala n the tree of life n wicca n ritchual magick n yew name it. n i started in to makin sum scientific eggspearmints.

one of the main thangs i gut to doin wuz readin them tarot cards fer folks. i figgered i wood git sum data gathurd up n then see ifn twuz true. so whut i dun wuz make a record of ever readin i ever dun, the idee being that later on i could cum back n check whut them cards had perdickted n see ifn thangs cum true. only problem wuz i never ackshully went back n read the perdickshuns nor figgered nuthin out neethur one.

but doin them tarot readins gut me to investigatin carl jung n his idees bout the collecktiv unconshus n archetypes, n that gut me to readin freud bout dreams n purty soon i gut to whar i could see that the magick wernt all that magickul. thang wuz, usin them symbols n all, i could purty much tell folks whut they really needed to hear without it bein me buttin into thar bizness n whenever i gut to unnerstan that, my reputayshun gut goin n folks sed i had talent.

but whut i wuz a'lookin fer wuz not how i could trick folks into lettin me tell em whut they really needed to hear, but a guru or master or whutever, sumbidy who really knew how to do ritchual magick or inny other kinds. i wuz a'goin to utk by then, n up on the top of mcclung tower i met a fella name of stephen sorrel, witch he wuz a relijun student n we purty soon gut to whar we could see we wuz barkin up the same tree.

turnt out he wuz one of them suspeckted of bein in that coven i talked bout back in chaptur 55, only he wuznt really in it. he knew bout it n had visited it, but he sed thar wuznt nuthin much thar n them gurls wuz jes dabblin with thangs they dint unnerstan, at lease, all of em but the rangleader, witch that turnt out to be the witch name of gail. i ast did he know whuther they had set the fire but he sed he dint thank they had inny real power, so they mite could wont to but couldnt doot. besides, dint we conquer em with luv or sumthin? that wuz the story he gut.

but that wuz jes one of the thangs we discussed. he wuz as innerested in aleister crowley as i wuz, n he even knew whar quote the house unquote wuz, witch that wuz thonliest place in the u s of a whar thay wuz a master. i ast had he been thar n did he see em perform inny ritchual magick, n he sed he hadnt, but he wonted to go fer the sprang equinox n i sed i wood lack to go too n i even offered to drive, witch he sed he needed a ride innyway.

so the time cum n we drove over to nashvull, witch thats whar the house wuz. whenever we gut near it, we stopped n had us sum lunch at a holiday inn he knew bout, n the food wuz good. the hole time we wuz talkin bout many of the thangs we had dun been readin n studyin, n twuz frum him i realized i wuz a'gone half to give reglar relijun more study. i cant say i ever met innybidy more serious bout gittin ansers than him.

once we wuz dun with lunch, we drove round till we found the house n thar we met the three folks a'livin in it, witch the main one wuz a tall skinny aries name of gabriel with no last name. corse twuz a made up name on a counta ye jes know his parnts give him a last name n all, but he jes went by gabriel by then. tutherns were kindly trine to be lack him, n they had tuck the names seth n elijah. i wonted to ast did ye half to git a old testamint name to git in, but i figgered they wood thank i wuznt serious a nuff.

furst thang gabriel dun whenever he seen us cum up the walk wuz to bust outta the door n say twuz time fer a feast. i looked at stephen as if to ast dint he know we had jes dun et, but i dint say nuthin. we went to shoneys n the three of em ordered em up sum meals while stephen n me ate a bite of pie n drunk a few cups of coffee. then whenever it cum time to pay, they wuz gone jes lack that n stephen n me wuz stuck with the bill.

we dint say nuthin tho on a counta ifn these folks could demonstrate ritchual magick, twood be wurth it to buy em food, so thats whut we dun n then drove em back to the house. we talked fer a bit, n ye could see how gabriel wuz a lot lack eli. he wood make the big dramatickull statemint n ack lack he had the eggscloosiv on the truth n all, but twernt nuthin but the usual cliches. stephen ast em wuz they plannin to celebrate the holiday n they gut blank looks on thar faces lack they wuz a'wunderin whut we mint.

then whenever stephen reminded them bout the sprang equinox, they gut to acktin lack twernt nun of our bizness, n that gut stephen to ast em wuz they a'gone show us inny ritchual magick n they gut to sayin we wuznt reddy.

that coulda been. we hadnt accepted nuthin n mos lackly thay wuz rules that covered who gut to see the ritchual magick. so we settled fer talk, lots of it, sum frum gabriel but mos of it frum elijah who wuz proud bout readin ever book by crowley that ye could git n he shore could quote em. thang wuz, he wuz more of a parrot than innythang else, n whenever stephen wood ast him how to ply sum of the stuff he knew to gittin spirtchul enlitenmint or to gittin yer will to be stronger, he gut to stutterin till he membered the rite quotayshun frum crowley.

finely stephen tole em that mayhap they couldnt do no ritchual magick, but his friend, witch that mint me, could read tarot cards bettern innybidy. i wuz a lil sprized to hear him say that, n i jumped in to state that i hadnt brung my cards with me on a counta i dint know they wood be needin readins frum the lacks of me. but i caught a look in stephens eye bout then n figgered he had sumthin a'goin on with it, so i sed i could probly git a read offn other cards, ifn thay wuz sum.

here cum elijah with a set of them book of thoth cards that crowley had made. he ast me had i read that book n i tole him i had only it hadnt hepped me near as much as jungs book bout memries, dreams n refleckshuns, witch they hadnt read thatn n seth sed he dint even know jung bleeved in crowley, witch i wooda sed sumthin ceptn thar wuz a look in stephens eye that tole me to keep quite.

i tuck them cards up n ast em why dint they store em in silk n wood, witch that gut em to apologizin lack crazy n thang wuz, thay aint no rule bout that, but i lacked to doot on a counta it seemed to make folks take it a bit more serious.

i picked out the king of coins fer gabriel n handed the rest of the cards to him. i tole him whut he had to do, witch he needed to shuffle them cards till he gut to whar they wuz feelin jes rite n then to split em into three piles a'usin his lef hand n goin frum his right to his lef. n while he wuz a'doin it, i gut into the reglar pitch bout how twuz a game n not sumthin a bidy oughta take all that serious, but that it mite git a bidy to look at thangs a lil differnt.

n stephen give me a look lack he lacked that kinda chatter, so i tuck to splainin bout numbers, how the number 1 wuz represented by the point n i menchunned geometry n pythagoras n then i splained bout 2 bein fer the line n 3 fer the triangle n 4 the square n 5 the pentangle. i mentchunned a lil bout the tree of life n the furst ten numbers n lanked it up with the tarot. then i mentchunned how 6 wuz the star of david, n fack is, i had dun read a nuff of this stuff that i could spin a story out of it ever bit as well as docter sheffield could do with histry n flossofy.

n the hole time this wuz a'goin on, ye coulda herd yer pin a droppin n all three of em wuz jes a respeckful as could be. gabriel ast me whut he should be a thankin bout n i splained how he should thank on a questchun but that it dint matter much on a counta the cards wuz a'gone talk bout whutever wuz mos importunt to him. i could see he wuz a lil wurried still, so i sed, 'do what thou wilt,' n that gut em to thankin more serious till i thought elijah n seth wuz a'gone git down on thar knees n start prayin. i guess all the chatter made him nervus, but whutever, it tuck gabriel quite a while to git them cards reddy. he finely give out with a big sigh n laid em out.

n thang is, by then i figgered i knew purty much bout these guys. gabriel wuz 26 years old n he had quit collidge on a counta gittin to be a master. n he wuz a aries n a lot lack eli n i figgered i couldnt do no wurse than to tend lack i wuz doin a readin fer eli, witch i had dun a many a one fer him.

i gut to readin them cards, n twernt a fair fite in sum ways. i had him a'squirmin. he wuz speshly touched by the way i borried a piece of paper n wuz makin a record of each card i turnt over. lack ye mite speck, the readin wuz bout illushuns n sham n pretents n all, n ifn twernt that them cards wuz designed by crowley his ownself, i thank gabreil wooda dun swep em frum the floor, but he tuck everthang they had to deal out, witch it ended up that his gratest fear wuz the truth n the final outcum wuz that whut wuz real n whut seemed to be real wood stay confused fer a lil while longer.

after that thay wuznt much of nuthin to say, so we tole em we wood be in touch ifn we gut the chants, but we both knew we wuznt a'cumin back. it give us plenty to talk bout on the drive back to knoxvull, n whenever we gut parked outside his apartmint in a house in ft sanders, we talked a lil longer.

he sed twuz the same as everthang he had ever found, a'lookin good till ye looked real close. he sed twuz the same as with the coven over in oak ridge on a counta he thought twuz sumthin till he gut in toot n then he could see that them witches dint have no idee whut they wuz a doon, ceptn fer the one name of gail.

n i ast him did he speck he wuz a'gone find the truth, n he sed he reckoned maybe not, but that wernt the point. i ast him whut wuz the point, n he sed he dint know fer sartin, but he figgered he wood jes go on bein a wanderin jew, witch i dint even know he wuz a jew till that momint n twuz a sprize on a counta the way he wuz studyin jesus n all. n he sed he figgered twuz the rite thang on a counta he dint know if the truth wuz sumthin ye find by findin. that gut me a'goin so i ast him ifn twernt sumthin ye find by findin, then how could ye find it? n he sed he dint know ifn ye could, but yer best chants wuz to find it by lookin n keepin on a'lookin.

i sat thar fer a mint thankin bout that. i ast wuz he disapointed by that, but he sed it dint matter ifn he wuz disappointed on a counta the search dint care whuther he wuz happy or not. so i ast him wuz he disappointed that quote the house unquote turnt out to be such a fake, n he sed no n on the contrary, he wuz glad on a counta he dint wont the truth to turn out so chaep n grasping n ugly. n that made us both laff.

he had opened the door n gut out, but i called him back fer a second sos i could ast him a questchun. ifn he wuz a wanderin jew, whut wuz i? he laffed n sed i wuznt nuthin but a wanderin hillbilly.