Thursday, December 07, 2006

pinions of buddy don: look, up in the sky! it's a bird! it's a plane! it's ...

Al qaeda, man!

Faster than the spread of Communism!

More powerful than Nazi Germany, Imperial Japan, The Soviet Union and Communist Red China ... combined!

Able to topple tall buildings with a single plot!

It's a man!

It's a movement!

It's al qaeda, man!

Yes, it's al qaeda, man, strange islamofascists from another culture who came to the civilized world with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal nation states.

Al qaeda, man, who can change the course of mighty civilizations, bend western constitutions with their bare threats, and who, disguised as simple desert peasants or mild-mannered goat herders in tiny, barren wildernesses scattered throughout the middle east and the stans (Tajikistan, Dagestan, Uzbekistan, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Etceterastan), fight a never-ending battle against truth, justice and the American way!

It is an enemy of such power that the only chance to save our consitution is to destroy it by removing the rights that make it possible for al qaeda, man, to bring down our government, destroy our way of life, and establish a new caliphate over the entire earth.

They may appear to be little more than a rag tag group of criminals, but in fact, al qaeda, man, comprise the most powerful enemy the United States of America has ever faced!!

How do we know this?

  • Never before has an enemy forced us to give up our habeus corpus rights!

  • Never before has an enemy forced us to give up any suspect's right to be considered innocent until proven guilty (now such evil terrorist suspects can be tortured subject to aggressive interogation techniques including solitary confinement, sleep deprivation, enforced constraint in stress positions, administration of psychedelic drugs, and public vilification)!

  • Never before has an enemy forced us to give up each citizen's sixth amendment right to "a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense."

  • Never before has an enemy forced us to give up our fourth amendment right "of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures," a right that "shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized"!

  • Never before has an enemy forced us to give up the checks and balances that made our nation great!

Using the fear engendered by simple and repeated over-estimation of a single enemy's power, our nation has moved forward from its crudely liberal and idealistic belief in an open society, for which we would willingly sacrifice "our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor" (to quote one of the primitive texts instrumental in the creation of our flawed democratic republic) to the creation of a land of timidly fearful citizens who eagerly sacrifice their freedoms, rights to privacy and shared faith in our outdated constitution!

We have replaced such outdated norms – certainly, if a law passed in 1978 is outdated and too pre-9/11, a constitution written by hand on parchment must be way too pre-9/11 and ready for the scrap heap of history– with a unitary executive who has all the powers he says he needs to protect us (but not the constitution he swore to uphold) from external enemies (but not from a potential dictator)!

Indeed, we now have a streamlined executive that is regaining most of the powers King George III lost in the U.S. revolution!

After all, if you are killed by terrorists, you have lost all of your rights anyway!

And isn't living with limited freedom better than living with fear of death by terror? Already, the terrorists in attacks on our shores have killed a whopping .001% of us (3,000 out of a mere 300,000,000)!

Let's face it, fellow citizens: the Unitary Executive is the only form of "green Kryptonite" available to counter al qaeda, man, right?

Al qaeda, man!

Be afraid ... Be very afraid!

(ifn ye wonta make a comment, ye gut to click on 'link' below.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

As you said, a goat herder did this to our mighty America!? I am thinking that this is an inside job. Pretty soon if things don't come around we will be getting kicked off public transit for having bad thoughts or at least the suspect of it. I am afraid.