life of buddy don, chaptur 57:
a barren seasun

mayhap twuz everthang that had happent to me durin my most eager times in the jungle, mayhap twuz the suicide of my uncle donald, mayhap twuz a misalinemint of the stars or jes a losin streak, but thar wuz a period of sevrul munths when it seemed that everthang i tride dint perduce nuthin.

furst, thar wuz wurk, n thar i had to proov how yung n naive i could be. i wuz one of the yung folks thar, n we wuz trine to brang about a revolushun of sum kind. we bleeved thangs wuznt run rite n that we needed to show folks how twuz spozed to be. thar wuz six or eight of us, n we kindly rallied roun the fack that i had been given a projeck. n we wood meet ever mundy n make plans on whut we wuz a'gone do, n fer a while, even the folks in charge seemed a lil tuck back lack they wuz wunderin how to handle us.

at furst, they dint have no chants. the counter cultchur, witch we called ourself the counter cultchur on a counta we wuz all at lease sympathetic to the hippy way of livin. mos of us had gut hi n dint thank twuz a awful thang. n we figgered we knew jes whut wuz rong with the plant n how to shake it up n make it better. n we wood plan whut we wuz a gone do n wurk real hard to git reddy fer the meetins n then we wood all play our part in the meetin to make thangs go our way.

one of our big thangs wuz we wonted thangs to be specifick. all the documints n guidelines we wuz wurkin with wuz stated in the mos genrul terms possbull n we figgered twuz a data acquisition system we wuz a ritin n fer that it needed to be specifick. n we wonted the machines to cuntrol the process n take the data n make changes accordin to whut the data wuz sayin.

n that put us in opposishun to melvin paul, witch he wuz leader of the lab, and the folks who wurked in his lab on a counta they wuz the ones who gut to study the data n then say whut adjusmints wuz to be made. n lots of thangs wuz jes silly. twuz all q cleared stuff, so the odd thang is i cant be specifick here when i'm trine to splain the specificks, but heres a eggzample that wont give nuthin away. thar wuz, lets say, a magick liquid that wuz bein made over the years fer a funckshun i cant mentshun. n thar cum a time minny years befor when sumbidy used a maple stick to stir it. n seemed lack durin that time, the liquid wuz bettern ever. so they made it a rule always to stir it with a maple stick, even long after twuz auto mated.

n we bleeved sumbidy oughta figger out whuther the stick really made a differnts n ifn it did, whut kind of differnts wuz it? n we also wonted to know what changes led to whut effecks n would the lab tell us thar methods of how they analyzed thangs. n we had em on the run.

n then they sed they agreed with us n all we needed to do wuz rite a system specifickayshuns documint n splain how we wuz a'gone do all we sed we wuz a'gone do. n i wuz chose to do the ritin. n thats how they beat me on a counta i couldnt rite nuthin specifick without thar a'sharin the specificks with me. so i wurked lack crazy a ritin n revisin n we in the counter cultchur couldnt do nuthin but beg to be given the specificks.

but they had thar power n we dint really have nun. purty soon we looked at whut we had writ n we had to add mitt twuz jes as genrul a statemint as inny we had ever read n hated up to then. n then they made melvin paul the leader of the division that had the projeck n that mint he could git his revenge agin me fer leadin the revolushun. n purty soon i wuz back on graveyards ritin code n bein 'marginalized,' as they put it. n by then, i felt lack twuz better than havin the lil power i had dun had.

but thar wuz other barren thangs agoin on then. we wuz a trine to make a garden, n we had deecided we wood doot as a shared thang. everbidy wood wurk n everbidy wood git a equal share of the thangs we grew. n whut we grew by this method wuz lots of weeds n sum stunted onions n sum of theevil weed, witch fack is, we dint even do that verr well on a counta how our skedules wuz all differnt. woodnt nobidy wonta wurk alone in the garden, so theonly time ye could git much wurk a'goin wuz whenever all three of us wuz thar. n thar wuz argumints bout whuther twuz fair ifn mj wurked n shouldnt that mean virgil n mj wood git more? n we ast dint it seem lackly they wuz a'gone git more on a counta thar wuz more of em? n ruther than wurk, we wood sit aroun smokin theevil weed n arguin bout this kinda thang.

as a side note, that wuz our eggspearmint with communism n dint wurk. the nex year we split that garden spot into three plots n brew gut one n virg gut one n i gut one. n we grew so much that year that twuz all susannah n i could do to git everthang canned, n i wood be willin to bet thar are still sum canned tomaters or green beans under the big house a'waitin to be et.

n by then, it seemed lack thar wernt nuthin i wuz larnin at roane state communty collidge that wuz wurth knowin. the soseeallogy class wuz a way of sayin everthang that wuz intuitively obveeus in the furst place. the art class wuz sumthin to make all of us go buy paints n then show how we eethur had talent or not n thar wernt much of it to go round. n even the spanish class wuz not really teachin us much bout how to talk tuther lingo, jes how to memorize sum wurds n git past the spot.

n by then i had give up on the idee that ye wuz a'gone git inny closer to god or truth or the good or whutever by takin a drug. mayhap ye could find the rite ritchual, but i wuz beginnin to bleev twuz lack mr leopold had dun tole me, sumthing that happens whenever twill n not sumthin ye kin cuntrol or splain or even unnerstan.

but the wurst of the thangs that dint seem to perduce nuthin, the argon of lonely dint lead to nuthin but futher disappointmint. virgil had dun fallen in luv with a purty gurl name of kristina paulson n he writ a pome that wuz verr beeyootiful but he never give it to her n fer the mos part, he never dun nuthin but talk bout how he wuz a'gone do sumthin sumday.

n wurst wuz how he wood even talk bout it with mj n she wood git to feelin sorry for him on a counta she sed he hadnt never had nuthin frum a woman that wuznt give to him by me n i objeckted, but she sed twernt my fault. but she could unnerstan whar he mite wonta set his eye on gittin a sartin woman n then a'goin after her n gittin her. n i could unnerstan how he felt n i kindly lacked mj a lil better fer her unnerstannin it too.

corse, i wuznt near as cuncernt with innythang virgil wuz a'gone thru on a counta i had thangs i wuz a'gone thru n nuthin is more importunt to a person than his ownself. n i had reeched the wurst jam a person kin git in, witch i couldnt stop thankin n wishin n plannin bout how i could find 'the one' n yet ever gurl i had innythang to do with wuz jes a frustrayshun. ifn i gut her innerested, i wood lose my own intrest. n ifn i couldnt git her innerested, well, i could feel bad bout her, but i couldnt make nuthin happen, n ifn i broke thru n gut sumthin to happen, then i wuz rite back to whar i wonted to git rid of her.

the thang with susannah bilder wuz a purrfeck eggzample. furst i met her at wurk n dint thank much about her. fer one, she wuz not whut i cunsiderred my type on a counta she had a big nose n frizzy hair n a lazy eye. n the furst date we went all the way, n that lef me with nuthin lef to conquer bout her n that made me thank i jes wonted to git away. corse, since we wurked at the same place n ate in the same cafeterya, we wood see each other most everday. n furst couple of times, we wuz a lil uncomfertabull, but purty soon twuz clear i wuznt innerested.

purty soon along cum christopher martin, who wuz a verr handsum man n cold-harted a nuff to make susannah wonta see could the fire of luv burn in such a frigid place. lawsy day, but i felt low whenever he gut to eatin lunch with us, n soons i could see they wuz a'goin together, i wuz hurt n wonted to git her back, even tho i never really had her atall ceptn the one nite n that wuz really jes a taste test, as 'twere.

thang is, i wuz down mos all the time n couldnt keep frum wunderin whut wuz life all about n whar wuz god n why couldnt i figger whut wuz rite n all. n i gut to whar i wuznt datin nobidy, even tho i hadnt reached the unninerested point whar i wood be verr tractive to women. n i wuz sick of takin drugs n thankin thar wuz innythang but a confused mind that could cum of it. n i couldnt make up no songs n dint wonta rite nuthin n jes dint wonta do nuthin but wurk n ponder whut wuz i spozed to do with my life?

twuz a sad n borin time. n whut it all biled down to wuz i wuz livin a purty moral life fer a lil while. lease accordin to whut i wuz taught in church, witch i started even goin to church, but that seemed as barren as innythang else since twuz only talk n the repeatin of argumints fer why we should have faith, witch i dint see how no argumint could be needed fer faith.

witch wuz how i cum to rite that song with the line, 'give me the faith to have faith.'

n the main thang i larned frum this barren season wuz that without the faith to have faith, aint nuthin a'gone bear fruit.

life of buddy don, chaptur 56:
the argon of lonely

after the fire i wood sleep eethur on a sleepin bag in the floor of one of the smokey bedrooms or at the lil house with virgil n mj or at my parnts. n thang wuz, after we had all been so spooked that one nite bout the covens n all, we never agin really wurried bout that kinda thang agin.

fack is, i went into a spell of loneliness on a counta i dint wonta have a nuther relayshunship lack i dun with barbie, n fack wuz, i could barely keep frum havin one with her ever now n agin. n i wonted to change my life n live better, but i dint know whut to do.

but twuznt fer me to do innywho. turnt out my skedule at wurk wuz a'gone change agin. i had been wurkin graveyards n then evenins. finely cum a day when everbidy on our projeck gut into one room n went over everthang that wuz spozed to be happenin with the projeck n everthang that ackshly wuz happenin, n with me bein the main programmer, turnt out i knew as much bout it as innybidy, so they cunvints me to take day shif n be projeck hed. not knowin innythang atall bout office polticks, i fell fer it.

corse that mint i had to drop out of the classes i wuz a takin at roane state communty collidge, n whenever i wuz a'doin that i ast whut else did i have to do to finish thar, n they tole me i needed three more classes to git dun, so i picked em fer the quarter cumin up n sined up fer em. n that mint i had a odd skedule whar i wood cum in at 4 am on mundys n wendsdys n leave round lunch time to take a spanish class n then one last soseeallogy class. n then in the evenins of tuesdys n thursdys i wood take a art class.

n thang is, the change in skedule turnt my life aroun fer a while. i couldnt have all my bad habits, n i had to make new ones n they wuz mosly bettern the old ones i had. fer one thang, i dint see the old crowd at rscc n i dint have much chants to meet gurls. n shoneys big boy restrunt wuz in a dry spell far as waitresses wuz cuncerned, so i wuznt seein nobidy.

n mayhap on a counta that, i gut to whar i wuz feelin awful lonesum n wonderin whuther thay wuz innythang but loneliness to this life. it seemed to me that no matter whut i tride, whuther sex or drugs or relijun or frienship or innythang thar wuz in the way two folks could git along, nuthin i tride seemed to wurk.

it gut so i spent mos ever weekend with my cuzin franny, witch she wuz the yungest daughter of uncle buster n i never saw her much befor he died but after his funeral, she wood call now n then. she wuz takin classes at east tennessee state universty n she lacked bluegrass musick so she wood git me to cum up n go to festivals or to see folks lack john prine. n them weekends seemed lack the purrfeck symbol of how lonely i wuz on a counta i wuz more or less datin my cuzin n couldnt nuthin cum of that n we dint pertend lack thar wuz innythang more'n jes a shared intrest in music n gittin hi.

my uncle donald, witch he wuz my moms youngest bruther, he herd bout how i wuz feelin long bout then n he cum over n tride to testify to me n ast me to play a song fer him. i had jes writ a song called 'st. thomas' blues,' bout how hard tiz to have faith, witch the chorus sed 'give me the faith to have faith,' n whenever uncle donald herd the song, he sed twuz everthang a person needed fer life. n the nex saturdy he tuck me to a baptist prayer vigil dinner thang of sum kind n i watched all the old white men sit with thar hands in the air n thar eyes clozed n looks of peace n contintimint on thar faces.

n i sed to uncle donald that i dint see how twuz inny bettern gittin hi, n seemed lack twuz ever bit as lonely a thang as inny othern. n he tride to splain how ye wood git to whar ye wood feel lack ye wuz part of the hole congregayshun, but whenever i ast him whut that felt lack, he sed twuz sumthin ye couldnt splain n that made me ast how could innybidy know he had dun it n he sed he knew n mayhap sumday i wood know.

n we made plans whar he wuz a'gone take me to find out, but thangs tuck a differnt track n i had to wunder whut he wuz really thankin.

we all wundered, in fack, on a counta a few weeks later, he killed hisself. he wuz wurking at y12 n one day he went down in the argon pit n tuck off his oxygen n twernt but a mint or two till he couldnt move n then he wuz ded.

the funrull wuz a spekticle as ye mite magine. in fack, thay aint much of nuthin lack the funrull of a suicide. everbidy feels two ways at once, sad that hes gone n a lil angry at the way he lef. n thay wuz the inevtibull speckulayshun bout why he dun it, n whenever folks couldnt fine inny obveeus reason, they tuck to wunderin bout whuther he had sumthin awful to hide n thar wuz awful thangs sed bout him n his daughters, but they wuz all lies.

n after that, i wint thru a period of intense deesire fer a woman to share my loneliness n my bed n my hopes n my farm n my next trip n yew name it. but thar wuznt nobidy i even wonted to spend the nite with, n thar wuz sevrul times i tole barbie she wuz a'gone half to find sumbidy else to scratch her itch.

but i couldnt find nobidy to fit whut i wuz seekin n i figgered thay jes wuznt nobidy fer me. n i wood git to whar i wood stop by uncle donalds grave on my way to wurk ever mundy mornin n i wood wunder had he been as lonesum as i wuz feelin? n corse, he couldnt say nuthin back.

so i put myself into wurk n skool. ate lunch with iris n later it seemed lack susannah bilder wood join us till it becum her habit. n one day the subjeck of how uncle donald died cum up. susannah wuz a injuneer n she had studied lots of scientifick thangs n whenever i tole her whut happened, i reckon i sed sumthin lack he wuz poisuned by the argon, n she set me strate.

she splaint how argon aint no poisun n sed twuz a inert gas. so i ast her why did uncle donald half to die then? n she sed problem wuz how argon wuz heavier than oxygen n it dint kill him atall but only jes kep him frum gittin the oxygen he needed to live.

n i sed i unnerstood that purty good on a counta loneliness wuz a'doin me that verr way, n i could see a lil spark in her eye at that. n then we mooved on to the topick of gardens n turnt out we wuz both growin our furst'n, or in my case, the furst that wuz on land i owned.

then she sed i shouldnt let the argon of lonely block out the oxygen of life n i ast how she mint that n she sed mayhap i could show her the atomic museum.

n thats jes whut we dun, only after the museum we went to the mayflower inn on clinton hiway fer lunch n then went to see 'one flew over the cuckoos nest' n then i tuck her home n we wuz standin in the dark of her driveway till she ast why dint i cum in. so i did n we spent the nite together n twuz a disapointmint in lots of ways. she hadnt never had a orgasm n i couldnt find the trick to give her one, n by time we wuz sharin coffee after she had give us a brakefuss of fride taters n a mushroom, cheese n onion omlet, i felt lack i couldnt hardly breathe fer the argon of lonely i wuz feelin.

she ast did i wonta do innythang that day, but i claimed i had to git home n do sum wurk in my garden.

twuz a useful lie.

life of buddy don, chaptur 55:
the fire

long bout march of 1976 thangs cum to a crisis point with randy. he cum to me one evenin n ast wood i cum on a drive with him n i sed i wood on a counta i needed to talk bout sumthin my ownself. n he wuz always the type to listn moren talk so he did n i tole him bout the lies erin had dun tole bout me.

thang wuz, that took sum tellin on a counta i had to splain bout tellin jimmy jay who i wuz in the band with that his lil gurl joyce wuz frum a differnt father n how that broke up the band.

n i had to splain bout how erin wuznt a'gone away easy n everwhar i went she wood turn up.

n then bout how laura russell, witch she turnt out to be erins close frien frum hi skool, how she tole erin everthang thar wuz bout me, n since she had dun red my diary, she purty much knew more'n innybidy else.

n i splained bout that thar gurl at wurk name of iris brown, witch i hepped her git on at k25 n she wood eat lunch with me near everday, well, i had to splain how one day we wuz talkin bout aborshun n whuther twuz ok in a case of rape n she tole me how she had a a frien of hers name of erin, witch she gut raped by sum guy name of nolan whenever she wuz jes thurteen n i stopped her to ast did she mean erin flynn n she sed she did n that they had been knowin each uther since kindergarten.

n randy had dun herd lots bout erin so he could see that twuz odd this gurl name of iris wood suddenly pop up n i tole him that wuz jes the start of it.

n he ast did i mean barbie? n i sed i did.

reckon i owe ye a lil splainayshun on barbie morris n whut happent twixt us.

ye mite member her furm chaptur 52. she wuz the one that wuz makin eyes at me in shoneys big boy restrunt one nite, witch truth is we wuz a'doin to each other, n y probly member how whenever i lef to go home she ast me did i wonta, yew know, do the deed.

innwho, i drove back frum my last talk with martha anderson feelin down. i knew i had to go back to the farm n do sumthin with barbie. n alreddy by then i dint wonta n i hated her verr name.

but when i gut thar, everbidy had gone n when i cum in she called frum my bedroom n she had lit sum candles n in the dim lite i could see she wuz wearin sumthin sheer that wuz purrfeck fer her bidy n she ast could she undress me n by time she wuz dun i wuznt feelin small no more n tired as i wuz, we dint sleep all night.

turnt out barbie wuz the kind a gurl that claimed she wood only sleep with a man the one time, but she made a excepshun fer me n that mint we spent lots of time in bed on a counta thar wuz no tendin lack we wuz in luv or havin us a relayshunship or nuthin n the only reasun to be together wuz sex n i tole her frum the furst how i wuznt innerested in a relayshunship n i tole her jes whutever i wonted n thar warnt nuthin she dint wonta do n she had her sum wicked idees of her own. n twernt lack i wood ast her to a date or nuthin. she wood cum over ever chants she gut n thar wuz jes the one thang on her mine, mosly.

in feberary she gut kicked out of her parnts home n by then she had made friens with mj so she wood git mj to take care of her lil boy, witch she had her a boy name of jason. n that mint she had her a reason to cum round the farm to drop jason off or pick im up. n lack as not she wood see whut i wuz up to n ifn thangs wuz rite she wood try to stay the nite. n thar wuz times i wood go to bed alone n wake to find her thar.

n after a few weeks of that, she gut to whar she sed she needed to talk bout sumthin only she woodnt never talk bout it n i wood play along n ast whut n then she woodnt say nuthin till i wuz a'gittin frustrayted with her n wood ast her jes to git. n that wint on a while till she sed she wuz a'startin to half them feelins fer me n i tole her she had sed she wuznt lack that n she sed she wuznt only twuz a happenin. so i sed she wuz a'gone half to quit cummin around me.

nex thang ye know, i git a call frum erin n she asts wood i cum to dinner on a counta she wonted to proov how she n me could be in the same room without causin problems. n i wuz mitey sprized at her astin me that n i sed dint she know i had tole her husbin the truth bout thar daughter? n she sed twernt no problem on a counta she had tole him twuz a lie she tole to git sympathy n i ast how did he take it n she sed he bleeved it a corse. n i sed when wuz this dinner n she sed twood be saturdy. so i sed i mite cum but i wood see.

so happent snap wuz thar that saturdy afternoon a lookin fer theevil weed, witch we dint have nun, n she sed i wuz a fool ifn i wuz a thankin of goin n i sed the fool wuz the start of everthang in the tarot n she sprized me by sayin twuz the end too n i sed the end wuz good n i sed i wuz a'goin.

i wuz in the car whenever barbie cum up n parked rite in the way n i gut out n ast whut the fuck did she thank she wuz doin n she lafft n sed she wuz sprized to hear me use the word fuck when i wusnt in bed n mj wuz a'cummin up n herd n lafft along with barbie n they gut to talkin fer a mint till i inner rupted n ast wood barbie move her car.

n she turnt round to say she wood not n thar wuz no way i wuz a gone to erins n i ast why n she sed on a counta n i sed on a counta whut n she sed on a counta becawz, witch ye kin see how she could git a person to the burstin point, n i did, hollerin at her to move her fuckin car out of my fuckin way or i wood ram it with my own fuckin car.

n both she n mj lafft agin. n barbie cum up n put her arms round me n i gut to squirmin n she sed she wuznt lettin me go n i ast why n she sed twernt safe n i sed why not n she sed on a counta jimmy jay had im a gun. n i ast fer whut he had it n she sed twuz to shoot me on a counta erin had dun tole him i wuz the one lyin bout erins lil gurl. n i shoved her rite to the groun n wuz ready to pounts on her but she rolled over n gut up in one moshun n sed i wuz a fool to truss erin.

n then she sed i wuz a bigger fool to let laura read my diary. n that tuck me back on a counta thatn hadnt really hit till sumbidy else wuz talkin bout it.

but mainly i wuz mad at the lie erin had dun tole bout me.

randy musta smoked bout half a pack of marlbros while i tole all the parts he dint know bout n then he ast why dont i let him git me a gun n show me how to use it?

n that made me laff only then i looked at him purty much fer the furst time n the egg spreshun on his face wuz the saddes thang i ever seen so i finely ast whut wuz rong.

n he tole me he hadnt never give up his idee to kill his self n he dun pickt a day, witch twuz march the 15th n i sed that wernt but a week a way n he sed twuz true but he had dun had a nuff n twernt that he wuz mad n twernt that he wuz crazy, but ifn thars nuthin after life, tiz all meaninless n ifn thars sumthin, then taint nuthin to fear in dyin n wurst wuz, he wuz bored by everthang n jes wonted to res frum the pain n boredum n wood i jes hep rite his gravestone n let im be burrd on our land mayhap by the fire place, mayhap acroos by the spot whar all the moss grows.

twuz a lot to say, but i listned n aint no point n trine to git ever bit of it. n i ast did he have inny idees bout whut he wonted on his stone, witch i figgerd bes thang wuz to git his mine offn inny fuss n fite over't while i tride to figger whut to do.

n he sed he had im sum idees. 'peace at lass,' fer instunts, only he wuznt shore twood be peaceful nor ifn thats whut he wonted. or 'burnt out.' or 'bored to death.' n he liked thatn bes, he sed. n i sed they wuz good n he sed thankee.

n he sed he wonted to take a trip on the saturdy befor he kilt hisself, witch he thought he oughta go down n see charleston south carlina on a counta he wuz in the navy n that whar they found he had im that cungentull bone disease n that rite thar changed everthang in his hole life n twuz the lass time he wuz hole so i sed we wood n we ast virgil did he wonta cum n he did ifn he could git off wurk that nite, witch he wuz still washin dishes at shoneys big boy restrunt.

n randy n me spent mos the week drivin round n smokin n talkin bout life n i wuz a'lookin fer a way to make him wonta live agin, n we drove up by norris lake n he tuck me round to sum places he had lived n sum places whar he had 'sun sum wild ass shit.' n we talked bout all that n wundered wuz it a nuff to make life wurth it? n even the grate men of the worl, wuz it a nuff fer them?

on the way home one time we tuck the clinton hiway n deecided we wood stop n eat at the mayflower n befor we gut thar, we passt jim walter homes, witch in them daze he wood build ye a home n park it down on yer land fer ye. so whenever we wuz eatin, i ast randy whut he thought one of them homes wuz lack, n as per ushual, he knew a lot bout it n sed they wuz ackshly purty good n i sed wonder how minny rooms they gut n he sed they had em all kinda differnt plans.

n we finisht eatin n he wuz astin fer the check, but i tuck it n ast the waitress could we have a nuther cup of coffee furst, so he set back down.

n he sed 'whut,' n i sed i wuz wonderin sumthin. n he ast whut agin n i sed i wunderd whut twood be lack to git one of them jim walter homes n set it down on the campin spot, witch thay wuz a nice round flat spot a stretch down the rode frum the fire place. n he lit him a marlbro n smoked it a bit n sed he bet twood be rite purty to live thar, but ye wood have to do sumthin bout the rode.

n i sed he wuz rite, twood probly be impossibull n all but he gut to speckulatin on it n cum up with sum plans lack to pave it or to use gravel or even jes to git a jeep n ifn twuz too bad, ye could jes walk.

n i could see he wuz thankin bout how twood be much better a livin thar than twuz a livin with his parnts, witch twuz one of the thangs bout life that seemed hardest fer him to take.

i dint say nuthin more bout it till we wuz back on the clinton hiway hedded north. we wuz burnin a number lack all ways n he sed, 'whut ifn we wuz to go in together on that house?'

n i felt lack i had dun tricked him jes rite n i sed twood be sumthin. so nex day he went n looked at the floorplans n picked a couple he lacked n sed he mite cum back. n he sed thangs wuz good on a counta we wood only need $2,000 to git it a'goin.  n them jim walter folk wuz eager to git goin with us on a counta we already had the land n they wundered why we should wait.

so i we sed we should go back the nex saturdy. n i thought i had dun solved the problum, only i hadnt figgered how brew wuz a'gone reack. he gut verr mad whenever he herd bout it. i had dun let virgil in on whut wuz a'gone on inside randys hed n he wuz a'gittin to whar he unnerstood n he sed he mite could see a way we could sell randy a plot or sumthin. corse he dint figger on mjs reackshun.

brew n mj wuz so mad they couldnt hardly talk nor spit eethur one. but we had us a unsckeduled fambly council n talkt it all out n splained whut wuz a gone on with randy n once everbidy had herd the hole thang, they gut quite n then i sed whut ifn i wuz to buy the house fer me n rent half of it to randy? n ifn twurked out, h e mite could buy in n ifn it dint, he could move out n i wood jes half to figger out how to pay fer tall. n they knew i wood doot n they wuz wurried bout randy, so we sed we wood.

i tole randy we wood do sumthin fridy nite n that mint drive around n do nuthin but that wuz whut he lacked so we sed twuz a plan.

then i dun sumthin that sprized even me. barbie called up to ast could she cum over fer fridy nite n i ast her why n she sed she needed to be touched by a man n i sed twuz easy nuff to find that without gittin me involved n she sed she needed my touch n i sed how much did she need it n she sed she wood do innythang n i ast her innythang n she sed yes n i sed i dint bleev her n she sed name sumthin.

n i tuck a breath n sed, kindly in a way in knew she wood reckugnize, 'im a'gone say this,' n she laffed n i sed, 'thars a man that could use yer touch,' n she sed that wuz whut she wuz hopin, n i sed this man hadnt had nuthin in a verr long time n she dint say nuthin fer a bit. then she ast wuz it randy n i sed twuz. n i sed twernt nuthin i wood ast her ifn she hadnt tole me she only wood spent the one nite with a man, n she allowed twuz whut she had sed.

then she sed she needed to tell me sumthin n i sed jes tell me dont tell me ye cant n all that. n she sed 'i aint been with nobidy but yew ever since that furst nite.'

i dint know whut to say so i dint say nuthin fer a spell. then she ast, 'wood ye hate me ifn i dun it?' n i sed how could i hate her ifn i wuz astin it. so she wuz quite fer a bit n then she sed, 'and ifn i do?'

n i knew she wonted me to say i wood do whutever she wonted, but i sed, 'ye jes mite save his life. i dont know no woman who knows how to touch a man bettern yew, n i swear to ye, barbie, ye mite save his life.'

n that tuck her back but she sed she had dun fucked over a hunnert so whut wuz one more?

so fridy nite cum n snap wuz thar n barbie n the hole farm only brew n gretchen wuz a'gone to knoxvull to see marshall tucker play n virgil n mj knew the plan wuz to leeve barbie alone with randy long a nuff to do her magick. bit by bit folk drifted away n barbie wuz kindly flurtin with randy n she wuznt wearin no bra n had her a tank top that a body could look down n that jes whut she wuz a'gittin randy to do n then twuz only snap n me n she sed she needed to talk n i ast wood they mind n the dint.

n i spent that nite in the lil house n snap went home.

n nex day, seem lack neethur one wuz too happy n randy ast did i wonta git brakefuss at shoneys n i sed shore. n he dint say a wurd bout the nite he dun had during the meal n after that we went by his parnts house so he could git cleaned up n change cloze. his daddy wuz thar n soon as randy started runnin water fer his  shower, he tuck to splainin how wurried he wuz bout his boy only turnt out he dint know much bout him. he wuz wurried bout him wontin to change his majur frum mathematics to art n i sed twuz a cuncern n listned n wunderd if my own daddy knew as lil bout my life n tho twuz a shock to see how twuz with mr fox n his son, twuz purty much the same with my daddy n me or eli or brew.

then randy cum out n we spent the day drivin n talkin n finely a'goin to see them jim walker homes n twuz ever bit as good as randy had sed.

by the time we wuz a'gittin home twuz near dusk n furst thang i noticed wuz a lode of records in mjs ranchero n i figgered she had dun hit the jackpot on used stuff n i gut to lookin thru them lps n i sed to randy that whoever had this colleckshun had the same taste as me n then i reelized twuz my records i wuz a lookin at n they wuz wet n melted n scorched.

n randy sed cum look whuts dun happent to yer house n then i saw whar thar had been a fire n it had deestroyed all the furntchur in the livin room n everthan smellt lack smoke to whar ye couldnt live thar.

n purty soon here cum virgil to splain that he wuz home on a counta gittin off wurk to go with randy to charleston n since that dint happen, he wuz takin a nap n then he herd the naybor boy hollerin sumthin bout thars a fire n he cum a runnin n mj too n they begun a'puttin it out. n they called the fire department on a counta the windows wuz dun broke n the fie wuz a'lickin the roof, only virgil turnt the hose on it n had it near out whenever the fire chief cum up n checked to see did we have the fire medallyun, witch we dint know ye needed one to git the firemen to cum.

n he woodnt do nuthin n that made virgil take to hollerin n then a'cussin him. n everbidy in walkin distunts cum up to watch n they wuz on virgils side but dint matter nun. virgil tole the guy he wood pay now to git thar hep, but he woodnt do nuthin n dint matter how virgil cussed im. finely virgil sed he hoped the guys karma wood cum back on im. n that made the guy mad to whar he wonted to fite, but virgil sed he wuz busy puttin out the fire, witch he gut it all out jes in time fer the fire truck to drive up so everbidy could laff at em.

we went down to the lil house to talk bout whut had happened. mj sed she had been a'gittin calls frum sum man that wood call on the big house phone n ast fer her n ifn she ansered, he wood hang up, n ifn virgil tuck it, he wood say to tell her richard door the 5th had called. i hadnt herd that n ast why she wuz a'tellin it n she sed the man sounded like erin.

n i sed so, n she sed her mama had thrown her bones n could see thar wuz a coven attackin me or mayhap jes a witch n we all figgered erin wuz one of em. n her mama sed to git buddy don to put together who knows who in all this, he kin probly name all of em. n she sed she couldnt proov nuthin, but she had strong feelins that twuz a'gone be all right.

then we heard a clump of boots on the front porch n brew hollered out knock knock in in cum him n gretchen n eli n we all gut to analyzin it.

n i figgered by then twuz bes to put everthang i had dun been thankin out n see whut they thought. i tole em bout the witch name of gail n how she had tole me bout a cover a'comin after me n how she had named sum names n how i dint bleev her but then i saw whut happened at her house. n that gut everbidy quite as a graveyard n when mj's dog spot gut to barkin we all jumped. n we waited to see who't mite be, but nobidy cum.

then i splain my suspishuns n tole em they wuz jes silly but they made me wunder. twuz lack this: (1) erin knew (2) barbie n (3) laura n (4) snap n (5) iris n (6) betty lou n (7) carla the short gurl. n they had all cum up to me to meet me in the last half a year or so.

n i splained how they wuz after power n then i gut to thanking bout how cumpletely they had cum into my life, laura with my diary n betty loy n barbie in my bed. n i had herd thangs bout a couple of other guys i knew wuz into magick n aleister crowley n they wuz good friends with (8) kenny who wuz marrd to (8) laura n he wuz also in a band with (9) jimmy jay, witch he wuz marrd to erin, so he wuz cunneckted two ways, n they wuz friens with sum tutherns that wuz part of the homer circle gang till i sed i couldnt figger nun of this out. n they knew lots of the stuff from bein round.

n eli sed, 'this aint no coincidents. this is frum god. tiz a battle of good n evil n thar trine to attack yew, bro.'

n i sed how did we scape em ifn thar a coven. n we all agreed how twuz a puzzle. n we gut quite n herd a owl a'hottin n eli sed twuz the devil n then couldnt nobidy say nuthin till i wuz more scared n i had ever been.

then randy sed,  'bullshit, eli. the devil dont give a hoot,' n everbidy lafft lack crazy.

but we all wuz cunfused. fer one thang, we all bleeved by then thay wuz a coven but at the same time, we couldnt keep frum sayin twuz the craziest thang ever.

n ever time we wood git to thankin twuz nuthin, we wood member that fire n purty soon we wood git scairt agin. n we tride to figger whut coulda dun started it. thar warnt no gas nor nuthin lack that, n it looked lack sumthin had been burnin on the rug n charred the walls n caught the drapes on fire n burtn the shelf n both randy smiths killer stereo n my ole thang n melted all the records ceptn the nine beethoven sympathies n we never could figger whut wuz a burnin on a counta dint seem lack nuthin wuz thar. n thonly damage wuz the smoke n all.

n thang wuz, nex day it all seemed crazy n we went about our bizness lack nuthin happent.

that evenin mj cum n sed she had spoke to her mama bout whut i had sed n bout how all them foks, the women in particular, had approached me whenever i met inny of em. n mj tole her mama bout randy a wontin to commit suicide n her mama threw sum coins n tole her twuz a way of controllin me on a counta they knew i wuz the arrogunt type that lacked to pity folks n thank i could save em, n it stung to here that.

but she sed i had ansered it rite n twuz proof of my power. n i ast whut she mint n she sed i had offered to give randy mos everthang i had frum my life to my home to my gurl n i ast mj how did she know that n she sed randy had cumplained bout how awful the nite wuz betwixt em n she put 2 n 2 together.

'thang is, bud', she sed, 'tiz bout the only thang ye dun since i cum back to tennessee that wuz inny good.'

then randy cum n ast wood i go fer a ride n i did n he even ast me wood i drive. n i could see he wuz way down in the dumpsters n i ast whut wuz rong n he sed he felt lack he couldnt even do nuthin rite n i knew he wuz thankin bout how he wuz spozed to be dead by now only thar wuz no way he could doot.

'shoot the devel, bud. im jes too afraid to end it, n i cant say whut tiz that even scares me.'

we drove fer a while till he gut to crine n i give him sum tissue n then i sed i wood git him sum hep n pullt in at shoneys big boy restrunt so i could use the phone.

i called the docter who gut me in to the oak ridge mental helth clink, but he sed they wuz full. n i called the ormhc direckly n they tole me the same thang n sed best thang wood be to take im to the emerentsy room.

so i cum out n tole him bout that, but he dint wonta go n he sed he felt much better now. n he sed, 'i aint attracted to ye in the lease, bud, but i luv yew.'

n i tole him i luved him jes the same n sed twuz good he cride, that tears wuz powerful.

n he sed they wuznt nuthin to the power of luv n he sed he could see whut folks mint bout me.

we never did git that house, but he gut to whar he quit talkin bout killin hisself. n we dun other thangs, n had other add ventures.

i tuck him back home n let him out n he dint even go in, jes got in his car n drove away.

n thar, waitin in the soot n smoke wuz the witch name of gail, n she whispered to me n i jumped fer a mint.

n she stepped out into the yard n cum twards me. twuz the lass day of a full moon n twuz clear her dress, which wuz long wuz also too thin. twuz lackly all she wuz a wearin.

she sed she wuz sorry n i ast fer whut?

she dint say nuthin fer a mint n she stepped up on her toes to kiss me, but i turnt away. n she stood without the lease moshun fer a mint. n she sed she wuz sorry fer the damage.

n i sed, 'whut?'

n she sed we woodnt half to wurry bout that coven no more. n i ast why, n she sed thar never wuz one, that twuz jes sumthin she sed on a counta she knew i wood bleev it. n thang wuz, them folks seem lack they wuz jes folks.  barbie wood still cum around now n then n i wood see iris at wurk. n i saw in the papers whar betty lou had gut marrd. n laura had her baby a lil later in the sprang. i never saw or herd tell of erin agin.

gail sed thar wuz one more thang. i waited.

she drew herself back frum me n sed, 'i'm sorry i couldnt lite a fire in yer hart.'

i turned n i nodded my hed at the black soot on the frunt of the house n sed, 'yew mean?' but when i turnt back, she wuz in her car, n i tride to stop her, but she drove off. n twuz the lass i ever saw of her.

we never figgered out the mistry.

life of buddy don, chaptur 54:
the lass time ever i seen darlene

twuz bout this time of year that darlene n i gut marrd 33 years ago n we wuz divorced 4 years, 8 munths n 4 days later. we separated after 4 years n 8 days. once she tuck lil dude northfleet frum uncle brines farm over to whar she wuz a'livin with perfesser william streicher in karns i dint see her but a few times n ever one of em felt lack pullin scabs offn sores that dont wonta heal.

i dun tole ye bout the time i saw her at the lawyer she stiffed back in chaptur 33. n after that, thar wuz only three times i kin member.

furstn wuz whenever i wuz playin out at the coffee shop thar in oak ridge. i musta invited her only i dont member doon it, mayhap on a counta i dont wonta add mitt how i wuz the cawz of mos of my own trubles. but innywho, she cum n set thru the furst ack n then waited while sam n marty went to git hi befor i went on, witch that wuz a stoopid thang fer me to let em do on a counta mos the audience drifted away n by time i started, thar wernt but darlen, sam, marty n a few otherns in the crowd.

twuz a bit hard at the beginnin. i made a few miss takes n wonted to stop n start all over or jes walk away, but thar i wuz on stage n i pushed thru without a'turnin back. i gut to a song that needed a story to set it up, n i tole the story, n rite then i gut that feelin ye git when ye know ye gut the crowd in yer hand. n thang wuz, i wuz better at tellin the stories than sangin the songs.

i been tole since i gut yer classic songwriters voice, witch is a nice way to say i cant sang good a nuff to be a star. n i never wuz a star, so i reckon them criticks wuz rite.

innywho, i gut to that song i call 'and now shes gone,' only in them days i wuz a'callin it 'darlene's song,' n i reckon it dun reminded her bout sum of the thangs that made us wonta be together in the furst place on a counta i looked at her when twuz dun and seem lack her cheeks wuz a shinin, but mayhap twuz jes a trick of the lite. by time i wuz dun, she wuz gone, n sam n marty hadnt even noticed she wuz thar n they tuck me out to carbide park to git me hi n pore sum ezra down my throat sos i woodnt seem so sad, n twurkt more or less.

nex time i saw darlene, she cum out to the farm n twuz a big sprize. i speck virgil had contacktid her cawz how else ye gone splain her findin the place? n he never stoppt bein sweet on her, n fack is, he always bleeved she wuz the one spozed to be with him n i cant say he wuz rong only ye cant do no scientific test on sumthin lack that since ye dont git a second take on life.

now ye mite thank that visit wooda been a good thang fer me. we had the farm n i wuz a livin the life i dun been a'tellin her i wonted to live back whenever we wuz marrd n i wuz cumplainin bout could this be all thar is to life?

n even fer that ye need to know thangs i aint tole ye yet, such as i spent the last two years of our marrg readin books lack that book by carlos castaneda called 'the teachings of don juan' n tutherns he rote n that book called 'in search of the miraculous' by p. d. ouspensky n even 'Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson: An Objectively Impartial Criticism of the Life of Man (All and Everything Series 1)' by George Ivanovich Gurdjieff, who had the same birthday as me. n thats jes a sliver offn the tip of the iceberg of the stuff that wuz makin me wonta find out whut more thay wuz to live n have adventures n travel n do all kinds of thangs that darlene dint have no innerest in doin. n part of that wuz trippin or findin sum peyote or jes mos innythang that mite make it so i could eggsperience whut i wuz a'readin bout.

n sides that, she knew i wonted to live a alternativ life style, n ye kin see thats whut i wuz a doin. in fack, ye mite say i had dun gone n gut mos everthang i had tole her i wonted whenever we wuz talkin bout our lives together or divorce.

but she cum into the livin room n ast whar wuz the lock on the door n mj laffed n sed we dint need one n next thang i know, everbidy but darlene n me wuz gone. n i felt empty n ashamed n guilty as ifn she wuz thar to judge me n i wuz found wontin.

but i ackted big n ast her did she wonta git hi n she sed she couldnt handle it no more, n i tride to look lack twuz too bad fer her n i burned one jes to proov whut i mint, but i wuz feelin awful n wishin sumhow i could give her a hug n ast her wuznt this all a big miss take n couldnt we git back together, but i ackted lack i dint care a whit fer her n finely even ast her to leeve on a counta i needed to git to bed.

n that tuck her by sprize on a counta twuz only 2:30 in the afternoon, but i splained bout wurkin graveyards n she tuck it lack twuz the mos innerestin thang bout me up to then n she sed she wisht me well n gut up n lef n thar wuznt even a hug or nuthin, n i wuz to blame on a counta i dint even git up.

n whut shoulda been the last time i seen her cum whenever she finely graduwaited frum collidge with her elecktrickull injuneerin degree. she sent me a invite, witch she probly dun on a counta i had paid fer mos all her skoolin, n i dint really wonta go eggzakly. i figgerd ifn i dint show up, it mite hurt her sum, n seem lack i wuz always a'wontin to make her feel the pain i had dun been feelin. but then i cunsidered how i wuz a datin betty lou n she wood go with me n sum way it seemed lack that way i wood (1) hurt darlene more, (2) proov to her how i had dun good fer myself on a counta betty lou wuz a purty thang n she generly made other women give her evil looks, n (3) bes of all, i wood be able to be thar to see whuther she wuz hurt or not.

n then i gut to thankin bout a present fer her, only agin, i wuz only trine to find sumthin to make her unnerstan the pain i wuz feelin, witch i wonted her to hurt n realize twuz rong fer her to leeve me n all, witch that wuz stoopid on a counta i wonted out my ownself sos i could find out bout the miraculous n don juan n travel n see whuther ye could see god whenever ye tuck lsd n take part in the sexshul revolushun, so i aint sayin whut i wonted could be splained, n twuz no sprize whenever i couldnt git it.

but i found jes the thang to give her, witch thar wuz a leather bound single volume version of j.r.r. tolkiens 'Lord of the Rings' that cost near $30, witch that wuz moren i thought she wuz wurth, but i wonted to make a impreshun. i rote her a note in it n more or less ruint the book fer her or else she kep it n folks could laff at whut i rote, witch wuz mint to hurt her n i bet ifn i wuz to read them wurds today, i wood be blushin more than a nun in a x-rated theater.

betty lou wuz dressed as purty as could be in a tourquise blue dress that wuz barely long a nuff to be legal on a counta she knew she wuz thar to make a point n she wuz proud she had both the bidy and the attitood to doot. i wuz jes a droolin over how we wuz a gone show darlene, n betty lou wuz rite proud of her part.

corse, thangs never goes lack ye wont. the thang had way too minny folks n lasted too long. we had to sit thru a talk by sum jill ruckelshaus n betty lou wuz not impresst by a wurd the woman had to say on a counta she wuz agin feminists n all.

but we sat thru the hole thang n then tride to find darlene. twernt easy, but we dun it, ketchin her in a huge crowd of folk a goin up sum stairs. she stoppt n give me a hug till she noticed i wuz holdin betty lous hand, n ye kin jes betcha that betty lou wuz not turnin a'loose. n she steppt back n tuck a look at betty lou n betty lou tuck a look at her n thay wuz daggers a shootin frum thar eyes at each other, betty lous a sayin aint she a mousy lil thang? n darlenes a'sayin couldnt ye do better than a bimbo?

so i give her the book n she wuz a'fixin to open it n read whut i rote on a counta she knew i always rote sumthin in a book ifn i wuz a'givin it fer a presunt, but rite then perfesser william streicher cum up n slipped his arm round her as easy as kin be n she turnt to give him a kiss n he sed congatulayshuns n then he noticed me n stuck out his hand. i wonted to turn n walk away, but i tuck his hand n give it the kinda shake daddy taught us wuz proper. nex thang ye know, we wuz talkin bout sprang trainin n whuther them vols would beat alabama this year finely but we bof agreed bear bryant wood probly half to be dead befor we beat em agin on a counta we wuz in the middle of losin eleven in a row to the evil crimson tide.

then we lef, n betty lou wuz wunderin wuz perfesser william streicher n me friends or sumthin n ifn we wernt, whut wuz all that about? n she wuz a lil mifft at how bad the plan had gone, so i put my hand on her knee as if i had missed the gear shif n ast her did she see how shocked darlene wuz whenever she saw how purty n sexy betty lou wuz n that gut her onto how a woman has to use her wiles to show the worl whut she wuz made of n i bet she sed a lot more only i couldnt here much of it fer the voices in my own hed a'laffin at how bad thangs had gone.

n i never saw darlene in real life agin, but that aint the point of this chaptur. i wish twuz, but in sted, the last time ever i seen darlene twuz in a dream i had one nite.

thang is, i had jes gut a permoshun at wurk. they put me on the day shift. i wuz makin strate a marks in skool. i had land. i had met susannah by then. in other wurds, thangs wuz grate.

then i had this dream whar i wuz a'cumin home frum wurk n thar darlene wuz in the kitchen. i went to give her a hug n kiss, but she pushed me away n hollerd dint i see twuz about to blow? n i looked at the stove n thar wuz a pressure cooker with the needle up in the red. n befor i could do innythang, she shoved me to the ground n then i herd the exploshun n could see chili or spugetti or sumthin all over the white paint of the ceilin. n i gut up n looked fer darlene, n thar she wuz a lyin on the linoleum with blood a'flowin frum her mouth. so i leaned down to hep her, but the futher i leaned, the futher away she gut, n i reached harder n she gut smaller till i wuz so frusterated that i hollered out loud, 'darlene, no!' n that woke me up.

n frum that i fell into a deep deepreshun whar fer weeks all i could thank bout wuz that dream n how i missed darlene n how i wisht i could have her back n how fack wuz i dint wont her back atall, but mainly i wundered why wood my subconshuss cum up with such a dream. why wood it torture me?

wuz i my own wurst enemy?

life of buddy don, chaptur 53:
my furst time on the block

one of the thangs ye finely git to unnerstan bout life is how lil thangs that dont seem lack they wood make much of a differnts turn out to change everthang. one of the numrus thangs ye'll larn bout me ifn ye kin stand to read this to the end is how i cum to spend lots of my life in situwayshuns whar i wuz the only white person thar, n by that i mean all tutherns wuz black or negro or colored or afro murkin or africun murkin or whutever ye wont to call the deesendints of the slaves that wuz brought over to this cuntry in the 17th n 18th n 19th centuries.

n thars a reason i dint jes call em 'nigger' lack mos everbidy i knew bout dun n why i dint stay away frum em or even why i could git along jes fine with mos of em i ever met, n that goes way back to the furst worl war. my granddaddy tj duncan fought in thatn n he gut him a laig injury overn europ sumwhar n they tuck him to a hospital n thar he met a nuther injured soljer who wuz a negro. they made friends n granddaddy tj never let nobidy bad mouth black folk in his presents n he never let em use the wurd 'nigger' neethur. n that stuck with my daddy n uncle jeff, but uncle buster used the wurd bout ever sentence lack lots of folk i met cumin up.

whenever we wuz lil n livin up in morgan county, mama had her a maid name of ethyl who she wood git n have her clean up the house n sumtimes she wood leeve us with her only never overnite on a counta thay wuz folks in morgan county proud to claim that neethur black nor jew nor cathlick wuz a gone let the sun set on thar back. twuz a poplar noshun in them days. i member a sine on the edge of gatlinburg that sed simply 'dont let the sun set on yer back,' n even tho it dint say who twuz fer, everbidy kindly knew who twuz mint by it.

i larnt how my daddy felt bout the wurd when i gut in a fite one time durin a football game n i tackled a guy n it made him mad n he cum at me lack he wonted to fite n i gut in a lucky punch that knocked out three of his teeth, witch they wuz baby teeth on a counta he wuz only bout six or seven, n he flew maddern ever n called me n our hole fambly nuthin but nigger luvers. n lack ye do whenever sumbidy calls ye sumthin in anger, i figgerd twuz a insult, so i ast my daddy wuz we nigger luvers, n after he slapped me good, he splained i woodnt never be usin that wurd in or outta his presents n did i unnerstan?

i tole him i wuz trine to unnerstan n that i woodnt ever use the wurd agin, but i had to ast why wuz it a insult to be callt a nigger luver, n he sed twuz usin a wurd that lowerd a person frum person to thang that wuznt rite n he sed thay wuz other wurds i wuznt spoze to use lack spick n kike n wetback n gypsy n crout n frog n limey n so on till i couldnt member em all. he sed twuz a trick used in wars sos folks could kill with clear conshunts, whar ye wood git a name that turnt a person to a thang n then twernt nuthin to shoot at a thang n destroy it, lack shootin a can or sumthin.

n much later in life i larnt bout granddaddy havin that friend n how it changed his life till he wood even do lawyern fer black folk ifn they gut in truble in morgan county, witch that dint happen much on a counta thar wernt inny of em livin thar.

so i never lacked it much whenever folks wood git into the nigger this n nigger that kinda talk n i wuz called nigger luver a many a time, n whenever i mite cumplain bout it to daddy, he sed twuz a sine of the pure ignernts of the one a'callin me by that name n tiz only a small man that takes a insult frum a ignernt person serious. n that rite thar, as much as innythang, gut me to thankin i wuz sumhow differnt frum lots of folks, speshly whenever i wood say, 'thankee' to sumbidy a'callin me a nigger luver.

so when randy fox n me cum back frum chicago with mos of that ten lbs of theevil weed lef to be sold, he cum up with the idee of sellin it in the valley, witch twuz easy fer him to do on a counta he figgerd i wuz thonly one had the guts to doot n i wuz too scairt of his thankin i wuz scairt to say i wuz scairt, but fack wuz, i wuz scairt of goin over in thar.

ifn ye bin studyin murkin histry, then ye know twuz in the 50s n 60s that they started on integrayshun n thays a passel of folk thanks everthang is all fine now n that ifn thars a black person cumplainin tiz due to laziness or greed or sum other insult that they still wonta put on em, but once i ever gut across the line to whar twuz mostly black folk, i gut to seein that thangs wuz not all that differnt after integrayshun than twuz befor it.

ye kin test it by takin a drive to oak ridge n lookin round at folks. ye gone see both kinds here'n thar n thays sum black folk a'livin in nayborhoods that wuz white fer the longest, but ifn ye take a turn over into scarboro, witch thats the real name of the valley, then ye aint a'gone see five white folk in a week n thats on a counta integrayshun wuz only a one way street fer a few black folk who gut to move into white nayborhoods n thar wernt no white folk wantin or even willin to move into a black nayborhood.

n the weerdes thang bout that is black folk knows white folk purty good but white folk dont hardly know nuthin bout black folk n how they really live, n bein yer typicull white man, i wuz purty much the same as all em other white folks ceptn i woodnt use the wurd nigger to talk bout folks.

twuz long in thar i gut off of strate graveyards n begun wurkin frum 1 to 9 pm sos i could still attend skool in the mornins but be round fer the meetins in the afternoon. n since twuz so cheap n good, i gut in the habit of eatin at the k25 cafeterya.

i add mitt i wuz a lil on the scairt side of the valley, but i had no truble makin a frien frum thar at k25, witch he wuz wurkin in the cafeterya n jes as black as everbidy else a'wurkin thar, n furst thang that cummenced to makin us friends wuz i ast him how thangs wuz goin n that sprized him on a counta mos folks dint talk to the servers lack they wuz folks.

his name wuz sumthin lack jerome williams or robinson or sumthin, bes i recall, but everbidy callt him king tut. i ast him one day did he lack to git hi, n fack is, that thars whut made us friens. n once we had crossed that bridge, twuz easy to fine out ifn he wonted a deal on sum of theevil weed, n whenever i tole him i wood sell him a quarter fer $110, he sed he dint bleev it but ifn twuz true, when could i git it n wood i frunt it to him n ifn i wood, he wood brang the money the verr nex day.

n thats jes whut happent only randy wuz mad i had made the price so low. i ast him whut did he mean low on a counta we wuz gittin the lbs fer $100 each n thars 4 quarters in a pound n he sed he knew all that but that nig -- n he had to kindly stop hisself rite thar on a counta he knew i woodnt tolerate him usin that wurd bout folk -- so he sed in sted that black folk wuz crazy bout thar smoke n wood pay mos innythang to git it n i ast how wuz that differnt frum white folk n sides that, ifn he wonted to charge more, i could make him a map sos he could go to the valley his own self, n that made him laff n after that he dint say no more bout the price.

n shore nuff, the nex day after i brung king tut his quarter, he brung me $110 n wunderd could i git inny more. so we went thru a week of that n that brung us to near half whut we owed whitey, n we wuz a'gone half to do sumthin soon n that mint thar could be truble n guns n such, so randy sed whut wuz we a'gone do n whut he mint wuz whut wuz i a'gone do on a counta he wuznt about to go in to no valley.

so i ast king tut did he thank he could sell more'n a quarter a day n he sed he could set it up n i ast him whut did he mean n he sed he mint i wood half to cum to the valley on a saturdy n brang whutever quanty i wonted to sell. so randy n me gut to talkin bout it n i sed king tut had tole me we could sell all we had lef only randy sed twuz a trap n wuz i a'gone brang a gun fer perteckshu n i sed he knew i dint bleev in carryin guns but since he lacked em so much, did he wonta cum along n brang one of his?

'shoot the devil, bud, aint ye gut no fear of nuthin?' wuz the only anser he could fine, so i sed i wood go in my beetle n take all we had n he sed thar warnt no way we wuz a'gone have all our supply stole by no bunch of nig-- black folk, so he kep back 3 lbs n i tuck 3, witch we had sole bout a quarter in chicago on a counta givin his friens fat bags n we had frunted the farm n mos the folks that hung round thar a nuther lb n we had probly smoked half a lb our ownself, n that mint we wuz down to 6 lbs n a bill fer $1,000 overdue to whitey n we hadnt gut but the $440 frum king tut to pay fer it. n randy wonted to make a profit so he sed i shouldnt let nuthin go fer lessn $300 a lb.

so the nex saturdy twuz a sunny day n not too cold n i loaded up my vw n tole randy agin that i woodnt take no gun n he tride so hard to git me to till i wuz really gittin scairt my ownself, but i figgerd everbidys gut to die sumday n lack as not the wurst that could happen wuz they wood steal all theevil weed i had with me, n thats why randy wuz so strong on keepin half of it jes in case.

once ye git into the valley, ye git into a nuther worl in sum ways. black folk wuz put thar back in the manhattan projeck n frum the start thar houses wuznt made as good as them in the white side of town, n time had tuck its toll. the block wuz a set of white brick buildins with a cuple of picnick tables n benches nearby n a big ole assfault lot in frunt n a mosly dirt field nearby. king tut wuz thar a'waitin fer me to show at 10 am lack i sed i wood, n i wuz rite on time.

he cum over to the car n give me a big handshake, witch twuz a complex set of hand movmints n he showed me how i should do em, n i gut out n he sed i should brang the stuff on over thar n i ast whar n he pointed to one of the tables. i ast him did he mean rite out in the open n he ast whut did i mean n i sed whut about the po-leece n he lafft n sed wuznt no po-leece a'gone cum to the valley lessn sumbidy killt sumbidy.

so i tuck out a bag with a lb in it n he whistled loud n here cum five uther guys n one verr fat woman. i cant member thar names ceptn a cuple of em lack ike n too short n corse the fat woman name of flab. i opened up one of the bags, witch twuz in a plastic bag inside of a brown paper bag, n they one by one stuck thar heds down in it n sed how it smelt nice. n then they tuck to rollin sevrull joints n talkin bout wuz this the slow actin jamaican n king tut tole em twuz n they wuz rite glad bout that since they had dun herd how hi it gits ye once it takes a feck.

n the hole time they wuz makin them joints n smokin em in that slow way whar each person wood smoke bout half the joint befor passin it n i could see why they made em five of em at once. corse i smoked rite long with em n kep my mouth shut the hole time on a counta i wuz wunderin wuz they trine to trick me the way they wuz usin the wurd nigger bout each other more'n i'd ever herd the wurst white man do. could they be seein ifn i wood call em by that name?

then whenever flab passed me the joint n i tuck to tokin on it rite away, king tut sed, 'see whut i tole ye? my man here aint lack mos white folk.' n flab sed, 'he be all rite.' n purty soon they wuz a callin me thar nigger, as in they wood say, 'here ya go, my nigger, why dontcha finish it off?'

the bes thang bout smokin it so slow wuz we wuz all gittin good n stoned by time they lit the last joint. n they ast me how much did i wont n i ast wuz the payin up frunt or wuz i fruntin em? n they sed wuz the price the same eethur way, n i had the sense to say no, i wood half to have $250 fer a lb up frunt or $350 ifn i frunted em.

now rite here ye mite wunder had i lost my mind? wuz i thankin bout fruntin sum folks i had jes barly met hunnerts of dollers of theevil weed when i dint even know whar a one of em lived?

n shore nuff, flab ast me wuz i serious or jes crazy. n i tole her whut i had larnt so far in my lil time of deelin, n that wuz that i had frunted quarters to king tut n ever time he paid me the nex day, but i had frunted ounces to both my bruthers n near all my friends, but i wuznt able to colleck frum a one of em.

n they lafft n ike sed, 'tut, my man, your boy here do be learnin, dont he?' n king tut ansered, 'i sed he wuz a reglar nigger, didnt i?' n by then, it seemed lack a complimint to be called a nigger. so flab pulled out 5 hunnert doller bills n sed she wood take two n tut sed wood i frunt him tuthern n i sed i wood n ike sed he wonted one n too short wonted a half. i sed i only had the 3 lbs with me, but i could git more n he wonted to know when n i sed i could be back that evenin.

everbidy gut quite fer a bit, n then tut sed, 'see? i dun told you he wuz a good nigger. he aint afraid of nuthin.'

n too short sed, 'you askin me to believe this white boy gonna cum out to the valley at night,' n tut sed 'damn betcha.'

n thang wuz, the hole thang wuz dun in full daylite n i gut to whar i felt jes bout as cumfterbull as i wood out on the farm. n we dint see a sangle po-leece in the valley ever. but i half to add mitt i hadnt figgered on goin to the valley at nite.

but i drove out to the farm n thar wuz randy sittin in the livin room of the big house, burnin a number with virgil n brew n gretchen. n they clapped whenever i walked in n randy ast how much had they tuck frum me n i sed i had sold 2 n frunted 1, n that led to a fuss n fite till he wonted to stop me frum a'goin back but i tole him i had dun promissed n i figgered i could sell all the res that evenin, only he figgered i wuz gittin setup agin, so i tuck jes whut i needed.

n whenever i gut back to the block at 9 pm lack i sed i wood, thar wuz ike n too short n a skinny gurl with a tiny lil voice n a lite brown face peekin outta huge parka. i ast whar wuz tut n they sed he couldnt make it, n that wurried me a lil, but i let on lack twuz natcherull. n they tuck whut they sed they wood take n they paid up frunt fer it.

i went back to my car n the skinny gurl follerd n ast could she ride with me, n soons she sed it, ike ast could i give him a ride too. he tole the gurl to git in the back h he gut in the frunt seat before i could say innythang n i drove him whar he tole me to go n whenever we gut thar, he gut out, but the skinny gurl sed to me, 'i ridin wit chew.'

ike gut out n cum roun to the drivers side n leaned in n sed 'dont be messin with no hoes frum the valley. they dont be nuthin but truble.' n it sorta seemed lack a threat only i couldnt be shore if twuz or not, but the gurl gut into the frunt seat n ast could we git hi n we did n then i ast her whar she wonted to go n she sed whar wuz i a'goin n i sed i wuz goin home n she sed well n i sed well whut. n she put her hand on my laig n ast did i wonta cum home with her, n i tole her i reckoned we dint know each other a nuff fer that n she ast if thar wuz a better way of gittin to know sumbidy, n i sed i had dun known more'n my shar n twuz trublesum.

so she ast me wood i take her back to the block n i did.

n on my furst day on the block, we had dun made back all the money whitey needed.

randy wuz amazed.

'shoot the damn devil, but, i cant bleev whut ye dun.' n i sed sumbidy had to doot or else we wood half to deal with whitey. n that made randy laff, so i ast whut wuz he a laffin at.

he sed, 'fer one, whitey aint a'gone do nuthin to me no how no way on a counta i got the heat i need fer perteckshun. n two, i aint sprized ye sold all that reefer in the valley on a counta nig --'

i interrupted him n sed in a sing song voice to let him know he wuz full of shit, '-- on a counta black folk lacks thar smoke as much as white folk' n i paused a secunt befor sayin, 'n they pay fer it'

n he sed that warnt it. 'whut gits me is how ye turnt down that free black ass.'

life of buddy don, chaptur 52:
heavy casualties in the sexshul revolushun

virgil had him this theory bout the differntses twixt the sexes that went thisaway.

he bleeved women wuz by nature monogumus on a counta theys the ones left holdin the bag whenever sumbidy gits pregnunt. the man kin do his part to hep keep the human race a'goin in the famous six mints of playshur, but tiz to woman left with the nine munths of pain n the chile to raze. n that means the woman wood probly lack the man to stick round to hep in sted of runnin after sum othern. he sed thats why men is programmed to take a nap afterds on a counta that gives the woman half a chants to cunvints him to stick roun nex mornin n he wood add that she wood lackly have made sumthin to eat fer brakfuss, n frum thar, she had a chants to snag her sumbidy to hep out in razin the young'n.

men wuz differnt in his theory. they wuz by nature polygumus n wood by nature be wontin to have as minny women as they could git. n twuz fer the good of the race on a counta the women wood be trackted to the bes men n that wood mean the nex generayshun wuz a'gone cum out strongern the one befor it. so cordin to his way of thankin, yer woman wood wont jes one man, but she wood wonta have her chile by the bes man, even ifn he wuz playin the field with lots of otherns.

we talkt thisn over purty good n it never seemed lack it wurked out fer the simple reason of how rithmatick wurks. i wood ast him to add it up n splain how cum ever woman wood be wontin to keep jes the one man n her chants to doot wuz the nap he wonted to take n the brakefuss she could make the nex day. but yer sayin that men wood by natchur be wontin to play roun with as minny as possbull, so how kin ye have bof? eethur the womans a'gone git her the man she lay with or not. if he leeves to go git a nuthern, then she wont have her inny hep. ifn he stays, then them otherns wont be able to use his qualties to improov the race.

n thats whar he cum up with a lil corolarry to the thang, witch he figgerd women wood wonta git pregnunt by the bes man n then have em sum sex with the man the figgered they could trick into razin thar kid. n even thar, i had to wunder whut happend when twuz time fer her to have a secund chile? wood she be out layin with the bes man n brangin home the result fer her lesser man to hep raze? n how could she make sure she wuznt a'gone git pregnunt by the lesser man?

fack is, i tole him, sounds lack he wuz a'sayin humans wuz lack a herd of bisun or sumthin, n seems lack fer his theory to wurk, ye woodnt be havin lil famblies lack we gut, but herds of folk n thard be the one man who wuz probly bigger'n strongern all tutherns n he wood be a'gittin all the sex n the herd wood be a'razin em, n naps woodnt have nuthin to do with it. n how wood women be figgern out who wuz bes ifn the men wuz fitin over em n the one that won the fite wuz a'takin em? woodnt that lead to a race of strong but mayhap stoopid folk?

but i could see whar he gut his idees. corse, thar wuz the nature shows n the way the herds dun, but thar wuz also this thang bout men whar we did wonta have all the women we could git, more'n we could ever support n ifn they all cum up pregnunt, n more young'ns than innybidy wood wonta half to pay fer razin. but that dint stop us frum actin the fool n chasin after innythang in a skirt.

fack is, i wuz a'wunderin bout whut theory could splain my doins. i read back in that diary i wuz a'keepin n makes me sumwhut ashamed to see how i dun. seem lack i wuz after ever halfway attractive woman that wood take the time to talk to me.

lack i wuz always a'doin, n to proov jes how rite that hed shranker who wed i wuz full of shit wuz, i tride to do sum scientifick study of the problem. i had red me this book called 'what do you say after hello' writ by the same guy who wrote 'i'm ok you're ok' n he had him this idee bout the plastick face n life scripts. it went sumthin lack this: whenever yer born, ye larn bout the worl n how tiz spozed to be by seein how yer parnts do, n thars a drama theys playin whar mayhap he treats her bad n she takes it or vice a versa, or whar theys really in luv n shows it or they never fite but thar aint no real affeckshun twixt em or whutever. n ye tend to thank however they do is how thangs is spozed to be. corse, ye git out in the worl n find thays other ways of doin, n mayhap ye'll wonta follow after one of them scripts that wuznt the furst'n ye cum to.

n the plastick face wuz how ye could figger who wonted to play in the same drama ye wuz a hankerin to do, so ye wood be attrackted to whoever twuz that looked the part. n as i looked round at my obsesshun with thisn or thatn, n as whutever i dun seemed to end up hurtin folks, me inclooded, i gut to whar i wonted to step back n try to analyze witch gurls wuz a gittin my tenchun.

not thata i wuz a'countin, but thar wuz:

1. betty lou, who had the beeyootiful body n who i mainly wonted on a counta everbidy else kep sayin how they wished they had her, but fack is, sex with her wernt all that good n outside of that, she wernt innerested in much that i cared bout. drama bein played? i figger twuz the james bond thang, whar yer heroic man had his choice of women n never looked back, n twood probly of wurked ifn i had been james bond, but fack is, twuz easy to quote luv em unquote but hard to leeve em, n ye'd purty much have to master the luv em n leeve em thang to wurk that drama.
   
2. then thar wuz deirdre ferguson frum k25 who wuz marrd n who wood call me mos everday n whenever i wuz wurkin day shif, i wood see her in the cafeteria n she wood be smilin n winkin at me, but we never once touched or even did more'n talk on the phone, n i figger we wuz a wontin to play sumthin long the lines of madame bovry fer her n tom jones fer me, n mayhap thats how cum we never gut past the talkin stage.
   
3. nicole watson, a red-headed gurl i found verr attacktive n tride to meet n whenever i dun it, turnt out she wuz prackticully a carbon copy of my own mama, n once i gut to know her, she dint seem all that purty no more, n i wuz disgusted with myself fer actin lack such a freudyan fraud. n that'n wuz the ole edipuss the king tale.
   
4. snapper johnston, the gurl who met me by puttin her arms round me in a bar while i wuz a'playin pong, n thar wuz yer buddy movie whar ye had a couple who gut along grate as pals but never fell in luv, only ifn twere a movie, in the end she wood doll herself up n turn out to be the purtiest thang ye ever seen, but we wernt in no movie, n fer her, twuz probly more lack sam cooke's cupid. only thang wuz, i knew she existed n twuz purty plain she wuz verr sweet on me, but i always ackted lack i dint notice n i dint care n we wuz friends on a counta we wonted to be able to go together on deals fer theevil weed.
   
5. most perplexin of 'em all, the ones i tride studyin, that is, wuz judy cassidy, witch she wuz a gurl who tuck a vollyball class with me, n the instunt i saw her, i knew twuz jes whut i wonted, n i tride ever way i could, but nuthing wurked. ackshly, twuz more complicated than that. twurked thisaway. i made friends with her n ackted lack i dint have no intenchuns to do nuthin more n purty soon she gut to acktin lack she mite lack to do more, so i wood ast he did she wonta go out n she wood say she did, only we couldnt find a time that fit. or we wood find the rite time n place, but she wood half to call n cancel at the lass mint. n i wood git my feelins hurt n wood quit payin her inny tenchun, n purty soon she wuz acktin friendly to me n mayhap we wood take a drive n burn sum of theevil weed n then say why dont we have a date, n then the hole thang wood start over agin. n wurst of all, when she wood brake the date, twood be on a counta she had found sumbidy else n thar they wood be, a'sittin with thar heds together in the lobby of roane state communty collidge. n then she wood see me in the library or sumthin n sit at my table n ast whutever becum of quote us unquote, n i wood say i dint know thar had ever been a us to wonder bout n that mite lead as far as me buyin her lunch, but never more. n long story short, whenever i wuz innerested, she wood git me goin n then pull away, n whenever i had tuck all i could n gut to whar i dint wont nunthin to do with her, she wood cum astin bout whut happened to us. thang wuz, i never figgered thisn out, n twood have been grate ifn i hadda dun it on a counta i wood play this lil drama overn over agin later in life.

thang wuz, ye cant verr well make a scientifick study of yore ownself so i couldnt never be objecktiv n twuz a painful way to study n not the bes way to larn much. fack is, i could study whut i dun all i wonted, but i couldnt never figger much out bout myself till after i had dun made miss takes n all.

purfeck egzample wuz how i met barbie morris. twuz at shoneys big boy restrunt on a fridy nite. i had gone down to meet mj n jill fer dinner n to wait fer virgil to git off. we had us a booth n jill crawled up in my lap n no doubt, the three of us kindly looked lack a lil fambly.

n who should cum over to wait on us but martha anderson, witch i hadnt seen her since she had her baby. n she wuz makin jokes bout whut a fine father i wood make n all lack that, n i couldnt hep but be curyas bout whuther she wuz sayin whut she wuz actin lack she wuz sayin. n she waited till mj had to go to the ladies n cum over n ast did i wonta take her out to my farm n mayhap make a nuther baby n i sed i wood. n thats jes whut i shoulda dun.

but thar wuz a woman thar a'sittin at a angle whar we couldnt hardly hep but keep ketchin each others eye, n thar wuz sumthin bout her i lacked, mayhap the fack she wuz a woman n a'lookin back at me, but at the time, it seemed lack thar wuz sumthin bout the way she held herself n the sweep of her neck n a look of strength or sumthin. she wuz a lil plumper than i lack em n had scraggly brown hair n wernt my idee of a purty woman, so i cant ritely say why, but we gut to more or less makin eyes back n forth.

then i wuz sprized to see erin cum in and sit with her n i wuz thankful she had her back facin my way. n i tole mj i wood be happy to take a drive, but virgil cum out then n ast did i have inny ezra brooks n i sed i could git sum, so i tole mj i wood be rite back. thar wuz a likker store nearby n i picked up a fifth n cum back, n i wuz pleezed to see that erin had dun left.

finely virgil wuz off n martha had dun cashed in her tips n we wuz reddy to go. by then mj n martha wuz makin friends, so i tole em i wood ketch up with em in a mint. i went to pee n then cum out n purty soon a white ford pinto cums screechin up n the driver wuz that woman, witch she wuz barbie morris only i dint know her name yet. n she ast me to cum closer, so i did n she tuck a deep breath n sed, 'i'm a'gone say this.' n she tuck a nuther big breath n sed, 'do ye wonta fuck me?'

now ye mite member back whenever randy fox n i wuz in chicago n i wuz shocked that inny gurl wood go with pete whenever he cum up to em n dint even know em n ast 'does yas wanna fuck?' n i even joked to randy that i woodnt wont no gurl who wood say yes to such a questchun, n he lafft n sed he agreed ceptn he wuz takin whut he could git n pete never missed.

so whut kinda person wood i be a'sayin yes my ownself to such a questchun? speshly when i dun had a nuther woman in the car that wuz a'thankin i wuz takin her home fer the same thang. but dint matter nun. i tole her i shore did wonta n wood she follow my car out to the farm.

we gut out thar n i showed martha around the place n ye could see she dint lack barbie a'bein thar even a lil bit, n barbie wuz jes a smilin lack a cat that had dun licked up the creem. virgil cracked open the ezra n mj put on that fleetwood mack album everbidy wuz listnin to in them daze n brew rolled a cuple of joints n everbidy set thar a listnin till twuz clear to martha that she woodnt be stayin the nite or even jes takin a roll in the hay, so to speak, so she ast wood i drive her to her car.

n i wuz feelin lack a big man, proud that thay wuz two women jes a'hopin fer sex with me, n virgil wood later splain how i wuz one of them men that women wood wont n that proovd, he sed, that women dint only wont the big strong guys gut that thay wood go fer the skinny'ns ifn.

martha dint say a wurd till we gut back to the parkin lot at shoneys big boy restrunt, n then she opened her door n started to git out n then cum back in to say she wonted me to know sumthin, n i ast whut wuz it n she sed thar wuz two thangs. the furst wuz that i wood make a good father sumday n the way she sed it, i couldnt hep but wunder ifn she mint i wuz the father of her new baby. then she sed i had to keep the nex thang secret n i promissed i wood n she sed, sam coen is the daddy of my new baby.

my mouth wuz lef open whenever the door slammed shut. n i wuz a'wontin to ast her whut bout whut she had tole me bout thar bein only the one time? n hadnt sam tole me he only gut a ack that woodnt lead to no pregnuntcy? n i wonted to talk to her more'n ever, but she had dun drove away n i never saw her agin, tho i thought i did minny years later when i wuz marrd to sumbidy else n livin in knoxvul n saw her double at the swimmin pool of the utk marrd students apartments i wuz livin in but i jes barely caught her eye n then my wife ast me whut wuz i lookin at n i sed i wuz jes stretchin my neck n by time i could look thataway agin, she wuz gone.

thar wernt nuthin lef fer me to do but drive home n do the dooty i had perpared fer myself. by the time i gut home, i wuznt feelin lack the big man no more n fack is, i wuz feelin verr small.

eggzistentchul ahhngst

buddy don gits to wunderin who buddy don is ever now n agin. he even starts to talkin bout hisself in the thurd person, lack hes a'doin now. n thats on a counta he dont have his own body in this here worl n has to wait fer his chants to take over sumbidy elses body sos he kin git his fangers on the keybird. n thays times he aint allowed, lack here today. but he made a bargin with the owner of them fangers n wishes thay wuz sum way he could splain who or whut he is.

but thays times hes scairt of the fact that he aint nuthin but the distilled memries of sumbidy else with the loose ends tied together sos they make better tales n sumtimes whut theys tide up with is made up, but even tho they aint non-fickshun, ifn thangs is going they way theys spozed to, theys true.

but how kin the truth be tole by sumbidy that aint even real?

life of buddy don, chaptur 51:
how i cum to do bizness in the valley

one of the sad thangs bout humans is how they'll do thangs they knows is wrong jes to impress other folk n twuz a problem fer me as well. thang is, i lacked it when folks told me i had 'this power' even ifn i knew i wuznt nuthin speshul. n i lacked the way randy fox kep sayin i had the biggest balls of innybidy he had ever met. he wood say, 'shoot the devil, dunc, dont ye ever show fear?' twuz as big a sprize to me as twuz to him on a counta i wuz feelin afraid often as not during sum of the stoopid thangs we dun.

sumthin that tuck up lots of everbidys time wuz trine to keep a good cunneckshun fer theevil weed n other drugs that everbidy wuz wontin. seem lack i smoked more in pursoot of a deal than i did in pursoot of a hi. this wuz jes after colombian reefer wuz ever whar, 'redbud' they called it, n it drove the price up frum a purty reglar $20 fer a ounce to a steddy $35. that wuz a lil rich fer mos folks, so they wuz always trine to go in together on a quarter or a pound on a counta ye could git a quarter fer as lil as $100 or a pound fer $200, ifn ye could find it.

corse, ye could find home grown purty easy only nobidy knew then how good twuz. n ye could git that slow actin jamaican now n then, but twuz hard to sell on a counta mos folks couldnt tell if twuz inny good till the nex day, n by then, twuz often gone elsewhar.

n they wuz argumints that turnt into fusses n fites over whuther 'the farm' or innybidy livin thar should do such deals. we had us the same cunundrum they got in these here united states, witch the question bout that is whuter ye a'gone have individjul freedum or sum kinda central rules. we figgered everbidy livin thar should be free to do whutever, but that nobidy shouldnt git the farm in truble.

thang wuz, everbidy on the farm ceptn jill wonted to git hi ever chants they could find, n without deals, thar wuz no smoke. thar also wuznt much in the way of money on a counta we had mortgage paymints that jes had to be made, n wernt nun of us makin much extry money, so thar wuz even the temptayshun to make a lil money as well as drivin down the cost.

or mayhap everthang i jes rote wuz the eggscuse we used to do whut we wonted to do innywho. i dont know, but randy fox n i dun a lil bizness fer a while n heres how it gut a'goin.

i dun mentchunned whitey frum k25, the guard with the grate conneckshuns. he ast me could i move ten lbs ifn i could git it n i dint wonta add mitt i had no idee who wood buy so much so i sed i wuz probly more lackly to sell it than he wuz to cum up with it. n corse, that gut him a'goin n he sed jes wait n see ifn he couldnt.

i tole randy bout whut he'd sed n randy claimed to have a friend up in chicago that had folks that could take the hole thang offn our hands. rite then i wonted to back out only i dint wont him to thank i wuz scairt, so i tole him ifn he could set his part up, i could set mine up, n we agreed to try it.

twuz near christmas of 1975 n i thank i dun mentchunned i wuz trine to git shed of betty lou when i realized she had outsmarted me by gittin me to go in with her on a christmas present fer jill, so we had to kindly spend time together up till the present had been opened. n she gut to whar she wood tease me till i wundered if thar could be innythang i wonted more.

fer eggzample, she wood have me over to her place n we wood be a'kissin in whutnot on her couch n then her mother wood cum in to say goodnite n that wood take a hour or so, n the hole time i wuz wurked up as could be n jes a'waitin fer mama to go to bed. n when she did, betty lou wood eggscuse herself n say she needed to git more comfy, n she wood go into her bedroom n cum out wearin a short skirt n nuthin under it, n that mint i could touch her till she melted but thay wuznt much she could do fer me in return. n i hated the way she wood tease me only i couldnt hardly stay away frum it on a counta it made me wont her jes that much more.

then whenever we had a nite we could spend together, all i could thank bout wuz how could i git rid of her? tiz pure crazy stuff, i know, but thats how thangs wuz.

n wurst is, i shouldnt be cumplainin. whut randy went thru wuz much wurser. i gut a good idee whenever we went to chicago, n that we dun on a counta much as i had hoped fer thangs to fall thru, they all cum up roses, n everthang wuz reddy fer us to leave on the day after christmas.

christmas eve wuz one of the busiest days ever. furst i had to git the stuff, witch mint drivin way out into the sticks whar thay aint no real rode lef till i cum to whiteys trailer n then i had to stow it, witch ye dont ritely notice how much ten lbs is till ye git wurrired bout whar ye could hide it. turnt out he couldnt git no 'bo,' witch everbidy gut to whar they wuz callin colombian reefer 'bo' since twuz short fer colombo, but only sum jamaican. everbidy at the farm wuz real happy we had found it only randy n me dint let on how much we had. we split up a lb n give everbidy a lil bag of thar own n they wuz satisfide.

then i had to move it frum my car to randys, witch he wuz wurkin on christmas eve a counta twuz a good day fer folks to buy late presents, stereos n such, n he wurked at a lecktronicks store. i drove to whar he had parked his car thar in jackson square n in broad daylite i moved the garbage bag of stuff frum my vw to his monte carlo on a counta we figgered twood be safer in his car.

then thar wuz christmas to git thru, n i say it thataway on a counta i wuz nervus as the runt of the litter frum the time i tuck the garbage bag frum whitey n jes wonted the hole thang to be over. we had a lil affair at my parnts house n then i went over to git betty lou n thay had em a lil affair thar n she gut about fifteen presunts frum her folks n i larnt bout her bruther who wuz deevorced but livin with the woman down in huntington alabama n turnt out he wuz 24 n in a worl of truble on a counta he owed chile support n couldnt afford it n the woman wuz 'bad news' but he had to live with her on a counta he dun made his own bed n he wuz jes a gonna half figger out how to sleep in it.

n that gut me to thankin bout how lucky i wuz not to be in such a situwayshun n how lucky twuz that trudy hadnt been pregnunt n how twuz stoopid fer me to be riskin everthang the way i wuz, but i dint see how i could git out of my bed inny easier than betty lous bruther could, least without spendin a nite or so in it.

n purty soon her mama n daddy had to go n she ast me to wait a mint while she changed n then she cum out in her new short skirt n sed guess whut she had underneath it n i sed panties n she sed no n i sed whut n she sed guess n i put my hand on her knee n sed mayhap i should investigate n she sed mayhap i should n i fell fer it n she lafft n sed she bet i dint eggspeck to find her a wearin no panties atall, n twuz true a nuff. n she teased me till she gut to squealin n moanin n my fangers wuz damp. n i had jes gut her to lay back n pull up her skirt when she spotted the clock n suddenly jumped up n sed her daddy wuz about to git up on a counta he wuz wurkin graveyards n that wuz a sprize on a counta twuz near 11:30, but she sed he dint take no time to git reddy.

n shore nuff, she gut herself stratened up jes in time fer him to cum out n say evenin to us. one of the odd thangs bout my datin his daughter wuz that he reported to a guy who wuz my peer at wurk n betty lou sed he wuz a lil wurried bout whut i thought of him, so he dint say nuthin bout us bein a lil disheveled thar on his couch. n betty lou wuz all concernt bout leevin me thataway only thar wuz nuthin she could do, n i had to git innywho since randy n i wonted to git on the rode.

it snowed lack crazy that nite n i had to add mire how randy jes kep a goin. in indianapolis the snow wuz cumin down so hard twuz a wunder we dint pull over lack mos folks, but fox jes kep a movin n even went down into the median dip to git round folks that wuz stopped. n the hole time i couldnt hep but wunder whut wuz i a'doin? all we needed wuz a acksident n we wuz in big truble.

but dint nuthin lack that happen. we gut into chicago n found randys friend pete a'waitin fer us. we showed him whut we had brung n he had a lil n sed tasted ok but did it wurk n we sed give it a mint n purty soon he wuz cunvinced.

pete had the tuff guy stuff down. i herd him call one of his gurlfriends on the telefone n his side went sumthin lack this. 'hey, ya fuckin hoe-uh, when does ya think ya can get yer fat ass over here n fuck me?' n seemed lack they made em a date on that kinda treatmint. he had to wurk, so soon as he wuz satisfide the stuff we brung wuz inny good, he lef n we found places to sleep. i brung my sleepin bag, jes in case, n i'm glad i did.

that evenin, pete sed we should go out n find us sum 'stray pussy,' n  randy agreed. i wuz thankin twuz the last thang i wonted, but i dint wonta add mitt it. twuz a time i did lots of thangs sos i could keep folks thankin thar pinion of me wuz true even tho twernt. but furst, randy wonted pete to git his buyers n finish the deal. lack ye mite could have speckted, he dint have nobidy he could git to buy fer sartin, but he did have a couple of black guys that he sed wuz always lookin.

they cum over n rite away we burned a number. i wuz sprized when it gut stuck on the furst guy on a counta i dint know thay wuz differnt ways of passin joints in differnt groups. in sted, the furst guy, who wuz as dark skinned as a man kin git n nicknamed stovepipe, stovepipe smoked about half of it n passed it on to his parnter, a lite skinned guy name of link. n they sed twuznt verr good n we sed to wait.

so they ast pete could they put sumthin on the stereo n twuz the furst time i had ever herd richard pryor n he wuz talkin bout white folks in a way i hadnt never herd befor n them two black guys wuz havin fun laffin at randy n me fer bein such hicks. n thang that gut me mos wuz how they wuz all, richard pryor inclooded, usin the wurd 'nigger.'

long story short, they dint thank they wonted inny of theevil weed we had on a counta they dint thank they could sell it since it wuz slow actin. corse, then we went out all nite n by time we wuz back n had to leeve, they wuz a'wontin to git all they could. but twuz too late.

that nite wuz a strange one. twuz one of the coldest nites i had ever known, but pete wuz wearin a thin shirt n no coat. he dint seem to be cold atall.

furst we went to a place called pizzeria due or sumthin, sposedly the place they invented the chicago style of pizza. we wuz entertained by a rich gurl with a guy who looked lack he mite could have been a linebacker fer the chicago bears. n she wuz a'fallin out of her outfit n when she caught randy a'starin at her, she pulled down her blouse n ast if he lacked whut he saw n he dint say nuthin but smiled n ye could see her boyfriend wuz embarrassed.

then she gut down on her knees n started astin her boyfriend to marry her, n she wood ast everbidy ifn they dint thank he should marry her n wuznt she the mos beeyootifull woman we had ever seen, n she wuz a purty thang, only who wonts a woman lack that? than thar food cum n she loaded up her mouth n continued talkin n she cum over to me n touched my hed n ast me did it bother me ifn she talked with her mouth full n i wuz sprized to here myself say i wuz only bothered by how she talked with her brain empty. n that gut everbidy to shut up till her boyfriend laffed in sed 'good one' to me.

n that jes give randy a startin point to splain to pete how thay wuz ice in my veins n he tole the story bout whenever he wuz wontin to kill hisself n pete sed in that case we should go git us sum stray.

thang wuz, furst place we went wuz a gay bar n i ast him why n he sed the best women cum in thar n i sed i couldnt see a one of em n he sed he reckoned they dint cum out to this here bar on the day after christmas.

so we went out n purty soon pete spotted two fat gurls n ye could see by the way they wuz walkin that they wuznt feelin no pain. thay wuz four puerto ricans a followin after em but pete went up to the fatter one n sed 'does yous want ta fuck?' n i turnt away in shame but they sed they shore wood. n pete turnt to the puerto ricans n sed they had dun lost out, but they gut in thar car n started followin slow while we wuz walkin back twards our car.

this made pete mad, so he pullt out a switchblade knife n stuck it into the winder n tole the driver to take off, n he dun it. then we gut to drivin the gurls to thar car n one of em ast me wood i cum with her n hep her stay awake n i dint wont to but i figgered i wuznt about to say i wuz scared of her, so we gut into her car n she begun drivin. seemed lack she wuz drivin by feel, bumpin the car in frunt of her n the one behind jes gittin out of her parkin place n then she wood weave frum one side tuther, bumpin cars whenever she gut too far till i finely tuck the wheel.

on the ride over, i tole her my friend wuz hung up on her n she glued herself to randys side n i went to sleep.

next day, we drove home. we had sold only three ounces, one to each of the gurls n one to pete. he called us the nex day to say link had called him n the two black guys wonted to by everthang we had, but by then, we wuz back home.

n we had us a lil problem, witch wuz almost 10 lbs of stuff we had to sell ifn we wuz a'gone pay fer it. we had sum customers frum the farm n hangers on, but that wuz barely wurth a lb n everbidy wonted us to frunt em.

so randy sed he figgered the only place we could git it all sold wuz in the valley, witch he meant scarboro in oak ridge whar mos all the black folks lives. n i wuz wondering ifn he knew sumbidy n he sed he figgered i wuz the one to doot on acounta i dint have no fear of nuthin.

n that line wurked on  me lack he knew twood n so happend i knew this guy who wurked in the cafeteria n i mentchunned havin sumthin n he sed he wuz innerested but wood i be willin to cum to the block?

n thats how i cum to do a lil bizness in the valley.