dreamin of buddy don: seein the ded in dreams

lack inny big fambly, ifn yer lucky a nuff to live as long as i dun, yer lackly to outlive sum of them thats near n dear to ye. afterds ye suffer frum not seein em agin, lease not in this life n nobidy knows fer sartin bout the next life, ifn thay even is one.

innywho, last nite i dreamt of a verr close departed member of our fambly, witch to splain a bit about how it cum to be that she wuz in the dream, i half to eggsplain a bit bout how she cum to be ded long ere twuz time fer her to have died by natcherul causes.

i bleeve i dun menchunned ('bragged' mite be the rite term fer it) how daddy wuz a marine corps ranger n then a speshul agent of the fbi. as a reesult, he made his livin fer a cuple decades a'carryin a gun. he wuz a sharpshooter n lacked to point out how them thats gut blue eyes is known to be better shots than folks with brown. i couldnt say whuther tiz true or not, but he wuz one damn good shooter.

but he tole us he dint wont us ever to have no guns, lease not till we wuz adults. twerent that he wuz agin the secunt amendmint to the constitushun, witch he figgerd everbidy has a rite to own a gun ifn thats thar choice. but frum all he knew n all he had larnt frum wurkin in the law enforcin bizness, ownin a gun only makes it that much more lackly that ye will git shot with a gun.

i have dug up the statisticks befor n wont bore ye with em now, but sum of the thangs he pointed out wuz how them that owns guns gits hurt by guns three times as often as those that dont own em. he also sed that them that has guns to perteck themselves has thar own guns used agin em by the evildoers as often as not (his point is that folks that cums to do harm kin pull triggers much quickern them that gits a gun jes in case). he also lacked to claim (i never tested it) that tiz much harder than ye thank to hit sumbidy n speshly to slow that persun down with a handgun in a tite space ere that persun takes the gun frum ye.

whuther them claims is all true or not, i aint a'gone try to deefend rite now. but tuther thang he pointed out has proved true at lease two times too minny, n that is how a gun aint no deefense agin suicide with a gun n that suicide with a gun is by far the mos successful method.

it dont take much maginayshun to know that i dreamt of a persun who had tuck a handgun down into the woods, smoked the last of a pack of cigarettes n then stuck the barrel of that gun into her mouth n pullt on the trigger, takin her out of this life at the age of 33. that wuz nigh on to 15 years ago.

last nite i had my furst dream bout her. oh how it made me ache to see her after all this time. how it hurt to thank whut a waste twuz fer that sangle trigger pull to have tuck such a lovely and wonderful persun frum us ferever.

in the dream, we wuz in a car. the ded wuz sittin in the frunt passenger seat with me in the back n sumbidy i couldnt see a'drivin. i spoke to the ded, a'tellin her how nice twuz to see her agin. i ast her how thangs wuz with her now. the driver (i couldnt never figger who he wuz) sed she couldnt say nuthin. that seemed to hurt moren innythang. i putt my hand on hern n looked into her huge gray eyes, seein tears thru my own tears, n she putt her hand on mine. twuz a moment to cherish, even ifn twuz only a dream.

corse thats the problem. tiz all thats left us, dreams that mite or mite not cum, memries that grow dimmer in times deepenin twilite.

twudnt three years later till we had a nuther suicide by gun in the fambly, witch them thangs dont never git no easier. thisn wuz fer my nephew.

i member cummin home fer that secunt funeral.

i knocked on the door n daddy anserd. fer the furst time in my life, i wuz biggern he wuz. he wuz defeated. i could see it. one of the last thangs we dun together wuz watch tennessee git whipped by florida, fallin behind by 35-0 with 10 minutes left in the secunt quarter. peyton fought hard to brang em back, gittin the score to sound respecktabull at 35-29.

but twuz such a sad thang to sit thru together. not on a counta tennessee losin. whut hurt so much wuz how daddy dint keer no more. two munths later he wuz ded his own self.

thay wudnt no bullet in his bidy, but after losin a daughter and his grandson to suicide (them guns wuz terrbull deefense agin that), he mite swell have been shot in the hart.

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