wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 112:
goin home

them last lonely days in frankfurt am main, west germany, finely cum to thar end. corse thay wuz a slew of lil thangs i had to do fer them germans to let me go, papers fer the d-a-a-d, givin satisfackshun to the immobilien that rented us the apartment, yew name it, but i run thru it all lack twuz the las nine miles of bad road before ye git to the hiway.

frieda wuz a big hep in everthang. we had colleckted sum thangs that woodnt wurk over in amurka lack our tv n radio, so after much convintsin, she agreed to take em, promissin to find em good homes on a counta she dint need nuthin. she organized a lil goin away party fer me with all the folks we had hung roun with: erika, branimir frum croatia, marketta frum finland, winston frum tanzania, richard frum england n a few otherns i caint member rite now. we all gut together in the taverna marthon n had us a big greek dinner n way too much beer. they give me four bottles of wine to member em by, witch i dint wont em on a counta thay wuz a limit on whut ye could brang into the cuntry, but ye caint say no to a gift, kin ye?

then it cum time to pack up everthang in that trunk, witch here agin cum frieda to hep out. turnt out thar wuz thangs we had to throw away lack that plastick closet n sum old food. twuz a lil embarrassin how whenever we tuck the apartment apart, thousands of lil cockroaches wuz hidin everwhar. we had always had the problem n tride our best to kill em all, but dint seem to matter nun whut ye dun. frieda wuz nice bout it, claimin that everwhar ye had humans, ye had cockroaches. she splained how she wuz studyin ecology n had larnt that thay wuz only a few speeshees of animulls in the hole worl with growin populayshuns: cockroaches, pigeons, rats, mice n humans, witch i caint member ifn thar wuz sum otherns she listed. she sed twuz easy to member witchns wuz growin on a counta all ye had to do wuz thank bout witchns lived offa human garbage. thats the kind of friend frieda wuz.

that nite i barly slep. all i could thank bout wuz emily n sum of our add ventchurs. fer sum reason, i gut to thankin bout all the lil crushes we had shard with each other. fer sum reason, she lacked to talk bout who she had a crush on n who i had a crush on n sumtimes she lacked to fantasize together bout thangs that coulda happend. she lacked to git me to talk bout my crushes, witch i had a cuple here n thar. i wuz attrackted to a messy german gurl that wuz in our classes only we never larnt her name. she lacked hearin bout her n maginin how thangs mite be ifn she wuz innerested in me or mayhap sumthin happend twixt all three of us.

then thar wuz marketta, witch i reckon we bof has us a lil crush on her. she wuz a dark n mysterious type of woman who spoke english with a purty acksent n lacked to keep her hand on yer arm whenever she wuz talkin to ye. we had gone to nitespots now n agin so i had danced with her a few times, witch emily lacked to git me to do that n then talk bout whut twuz lack n whut mite could happen.

corse she had crushes her ownself, lack this crush she had on that english feller name of richard straw. she lackd to magine we had us a open marrg whar she mite git a kiss or a lil more frum him. n she lacked to talk bout how purty marketta wuz n wunder why richard dint ast her out.

but oddest thang wuz, she lacked fer me to make up lil fantasies, speshly bout brangin marketta home n havin sumthin happen twixt the three of us. tiz odd that i wood have truble sleepin on a counta thoughts lack these. hadnt nuthin never happend, but mayhap i wuz sorry i hadnt dun nuthin to make sumthin happen? wuz that whut she really wonted? corse, i wuz a lil shy bout openin up a marrg on a counta how thangs had dun gone in my furstn.

bout 3 am a baseball game cum on the radio n i gut up n started packin the las thangs. i had my last brakefuss at a lil konditorei on a counta i dint wonta make a mess at home. bout 8 am, frieda n erika rang the buzzer n hepped me put my thangs in thar car. they drove me down to the hauptbahnhof n hepped me git it reddy to lode onto the train. they each give me a big ole hugs n promissd they wood visit us in amurka sumday. then i dragged my stuff onto the train n off i went.

the flite wuz sumthin lack eight hours long, but ye left at noon n gut to new york by 3 pm on a counta the time differnts. durin the flite, i couldnt hep but thank bout how nice twood be to hold emily in my arms agin. but i fell asleep fer a lil nap n dreamd bout emily only she turnt into marketta n then that messy german gurl till i woke up with a lil start. i almos felt guilty bout havin betrayd emily by havin that dream. thang wuz, i dint even know if she wuz a'gonna be thar to meet me whenever i gut offa that plane or wood she stay in looseburg till i could go git her? we dint have the money fer long distunts n letters wuz slow, so i dint know who wuz cummin fer me.

twuz a big shock whenever i finely gut offn the plane to see my cuntry agin. fer one thang, twuz big n messy n pushy. thay wuz a feller on that plane with a long black coat n a black hat, witch i larnt later twuz the uniform of a seckshun of jews call haseedem. i never met a ruder person. whenever we cum to wait fer our luggage, he pushd rite to the frunt, pushd aside a ole lady who cride out, 'i never!' turnt out he dint have hardly no luggage, jes a lil briefcase lookin thang made out of metal.

but he wuz jes one amung minny that wuz pushin n i finely gut into the ack whenever i saw my trunk cummin. i had dun gut me a lil cart to move thangs. i pushed it thru to customs, witch they ast did i have innythang to deeclare, so i splaind bout them bottles of wine. they laffd n sed i could go on.

i pushed that cart rite out of customs. i looked agin at my skedule n noticed my nex flite wuz in 45 mints frum a airport name of la guardia, witch the lufthansa plane had landed at jfk. i found a feller wearin a red hat n ast him bout whar this la guardia wuz n how could i git thar in time fer my flite. he looked at me lack i wuz a lil simple n sed i couldnt git thar in time fer that flite, even ifn i tuck a cab. i dint have no amurkin money n dint hardly have no german marks neethur, so thar wuznt no way i could take a cab. he sed thay wuz a bus that wood take me, but thay wuznt no way i wood make it in time.

twuz a puzzle i dint need. i wuz plum tuckerd out. then whenever i wuz about to push that cart out to the curb whar i could git the bus, i run into sum kinda barrier they had put thar sos the cart couldnt git out. i tride to squeeze it thru, but waznt no way to doot. purty soon a big old fella who wuz blackern wintson frum tanzania cum by. he wuz wearin a red hat n sed he could hep me carr my thangs, but i wood half to pay him. i tole him i dint have no amurkin money n offerd him dm5, witch he dint lack it but he tuck it n then hepped me git my luggage to the bus. while i wuz standin in line, he went to change the money. purty soon he cum out a'boilin mad. turnt out he only gut a lil under $3 fer his wurk n he wonted me to give him more. i tole him i had dun give him everthang i had, witch twuznt the hole truth, but i wonted to save my east german marks. lucky fer me, the bus cum then n i drug my stuff on toot.

turnt out that bus dint git to la guardia till bout 45 mints after my flite had dun left. i gut a dime i had saved the hole year jes in case n made a long distunts call n tride to call mama colleck, but thay wuznt no anser. i tride callin brew out to the farm. no anser. finely i calld virgil, witch he sed everbidy wuz out to mcghee-tyson probly. i ast could he call out thar n git em wurd i wood be on a later flite, witch i had dun figgerd the nex flite i could git woodnt git me home till near midnite.

turnt out emily did make it to the airport n twuz lack winnin a jackpot to have her back in my arms. she wuz all tanned n lookin jes as beeyootiful as could be. everbidy wuz tired, but daddy wonted to stay up n talk bout whuther i had finely seen the lite bout the evils of communism, witch i hadnt never pertended otherwise ceptn to say i figgerd folks wuz folks. we gut into a lil argument till i wuz too tard to carry on. emily had dun gone to bed, but daddy dint wonta let up. so i ast could we switch sides fer a while, witch that purty much ended it.

i went to bed n found emily a'waitin fer me. we wuz hungry fer each other, witch the nex lil while seemd lack a blur till twuz near dawn n she wuz snorin nex to me. i wuz tard as i had ever been, but i couldnt sleep. i wuz too eggcited to be back home. i put my arms roun emily, witch she lacked to sleep spoons style n hugged up close. her hair smelld of tubacka n i could feel my lungs twitch. but i wuz home n fack is, the smell seemd so nice that i kissed her hed till she woke up n turnt over n kissd me. her mouth tasted lack a ashtray, but twuz deelishus. we dint sleep agin that nite.