pinions of buddy don: war on ss

i half to add mitt to bein impressed so far by how them that wonts to perteck soshul securty have dun gut out lots of thar arguments agin privatizayshun. bes analyst in that job is paul krugman, witch he has a articull in todays ny times name of The Free Lunch Bunch (free registrayshun required). his basick point is splained thisaway:

President Bush is like a financial adviser who tells you that at the rate you're going, you won't be able to afford retirement - but that you shouldn't do anything mundane like trying to save more. Instead, you should take out a huge loan, put the money in a mutual fund run by his friends (with management fees to be determined later) and place your faith in capital gains.

he then points out whut folks who thank ye kin make up fer a secure investment n reduced benefits with a risky one mus bleeve bout them that invests the big dollars, that fer the hole scheme to wurk, sumbidy is a'gone half to buy bonds to make up fer all the money borried n diverted to stocks to finants the hole ruse:

So privatizers are in effect asserting that politicians are smart - they know that stocks are a much better investment than bonds - while private investors are stupid, and will swap their valuable stocks for much less valuable government bonds. Isn't such an assertion very peculiar coming from people who claim to trust markets?

corse, that ain even takin into account how much it costs to git yer wall street folks to manage such accounts. as luck wood have it (not that yer seein much bout this on tv), a nuther cuntry dun tride this trick, witch that wood be britain under maggie thatcher. are they happy bout it? have they made moren they lost? not hardly:

Today, the value of a typical company's stock is more than 20 times its profits. The more you pay for an asset, the lower the rate of return you can expect to earn. That's why even Jeremy Siegel, whose "Stocks for the Long Run" is often cited by those who favor stocks over bonds, has conceded that "returns on stocks over bonds won't be as large as in the past."

But a very high return on stocks over bonds is essential in privatization schemes; otherwise private accounts created with borrowed money won't earn enough to compensate for their risks. And if we take into account realistic estimates of the fees that mutual funds will charge - remember, in Britain those fees reduce workers' nest eggs by 20 to 30 percent - privatization turns into a lose-lose proposition.

ifn ye wonta know a lot more bout how thangs went in britain, ye kin read bout it in a articull in the american prospect name of A Bloody Mess. tiz a long articull, but the crux of the thang is in this here quote:

But whatever the solution to that challenge, there is little disagreement within the United Kingdom that the path chosen by successive governments over the past 25 years is not the right one. The Pensions Commission recently completed the most comprehensive review ever of the U.K. system and concluded that there are only four possible solutions for the difficulties ahead: cutting state retirement benefits, increasing taxes, increasing savings, or delaying retirement. While noting that there is no political support for the first choice, the commission concluded that each of the three other choices, on its own, is too painful. Only some combination of them is likely to help Britain’s elderly obtain retirement with dignity. Adair Turner, chairman of the commission, a vice chairman of Merrill Lynch in London, and the former director general of the United Kingdom’s biggest business lobbying group, says, “There are no other choices.”

And so, at the exact moment that America contemplates replicating this disaster, many in Britain -- some conservatives included -- are looking more and more kindly on American Social Security as a model for reform. The National Association of Pension Funds, a group of employers who sponsor the nation’s largest schemes, is urging government not to expect the private sector to shoulder the burden of keeping the nation’s elderly from poverty. Chief executive Christine Farnish notes that it’s “actually cheaper for the state to carry the risk,” adding that in looking for a system that offers the best combination of modest guaranteed retirement benefits delivered at low cost, the U.S. Social Security program seems the best model. “It doesn’t have to make a profit, and it delivers efficiencies of scale that most companies would die for,” she says.

And that is how the British eye, wearied after beholding decades of privatization “reform,” views the American system, which has served the United States so remarkably well for seven decades but which supposedly is now in dire crisis and must be overhauled by the time the forsythia bloom. It’s a point of view Americans would do well to take in.

ye reckon we amurkins larn frum miss takes other folks has made? or do we half to make em ourself before we git the point?

pinions of buddy don: miss takes wuz made

thankee, miz rice, fer finely add mittin whut everbidy alreddy knows:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Secretary of State-designate Condoleezza Rice, in a rare acknowledgment of mistakes, said on Wednesday the Bush administration had made some bad decisions in Iraq and was unprepared for stabilizing the country.

kin we eggspeck ye to lead yer add mininstrayshun to add mitt inny other miss takes? or will yer statin that miss takes wuz made be cunsidderd a nuther miss take?

pinions of buddy don: crisis? whut crisis?

magine ye had inside infermayshun bout a crisis a'heddin rite fer everbidy ye luv n keear bout. magine y wonta git the wurd out sos to save as minny folk as possibull. magine that the news is not eggzackly welcum on a counta how ye wood have to use tuff medicine to head off the crisis. sum wood lose benefits they bleeves they gut a rite to keep on a'gittin. sum wood jes half to change the way they live ifn they wonted to avoid the crisis. thar woodnt be no easy way to fix thangs sos to avoid the crisis.

magine ye had a situwayshun whar thay wuznt no crisis, but ye wonted folks to thank so on a counta how they woodnt wonta wreck sumthin that wuznt broke, but ifn ye kin cunvints em tiz broke, then they woodnt have not choice but to do sumthin to fix it.

i gut to thankin bout this kinda stuff this mornin as i wuz readin a articull in the washington post (free registraysun required) bout a feller that has discuverd a real crisis, but the news is not welcum. his name is James E. Hansen n he wurks as a climatologist fer the u.s. gummint.

the crisis he wonts folks to pay tenchun to is called global warmin. ifn hes rite, then thangs is lackly to git verr bad, but we aint willin to do nuthin bout it. why? it mite hurt the economy. ye wood half to do thangs lack make cars that gut more miles to the gallon n let off less carbon die-oxide. ye wood half to cum up with differnt ways of gittin energy. ye mite even half to sign the kyoto accords. bad bizness, no doubt.

so whut are we -- based on us bein the gummint, witch that principle mite be jes as quaint as sum parts of the geneva cunvenchun -- whut are we a'gone do? nuthin, kick the problem down the rode n hope fer the bes. mayhap taint humans a'doon it. mayhap twill be nice to have a sea shore in upstate new york. mayhap we dont need manhattan n all them places close to the shores of our cuntry. lease we kin make lots of big cars n sell em fer a grate profit!

so whar science by overwhelmin numbers sez thays a problem with global warmin, problem cawzed by human activity, a problem ye kin address only by changin human activity, our anser is, we dont bleeve them scientists is rite. thar motivated by partisan intrests. we aint a'gone change nuthin bout how we live on a counta we deserve to live well cawz were all amurkins.

whut bout tuther crisis, the one bout soshul securty, witch thay aint really no crisis with no soshul securty regardless of the false situwayshun mr bush n the add ministrayshun n even the soshul secury administrayshun is claimin (folks at ssa has dun been tole to make shore everbidy knows tiz a big crisis -- n thar alreddy at it) -- whut bout that crisis? cordin to mr bush, we need folks to thank thay is one. he even sed thats jes whut he wonted in his furst publicity stunt with his hand-picked audients (aint he a brave man fer facin all them folks that agrees with him?), that he wonted fer folks to thank the system is goin flat broke:

"If you're 20 years old, in your mid-20s, and you're beginning to work, I want you to think about a Social Security system that will be flat bust, bankrupt, unless the United States Congress has got the willingness to act now," Bush said.

thats whut he wonts em to thank. dont matter whut the real truth is.

one of them crises is real n kin have devastatin effecks to change everbidys way of life on the hole planet. tuther aint no crises atall n kin be fixed with minor tweaks.

witchn ye reckon is gonna git addressd?

life of buddy don, chaptur 130: how i cum by the nickname of docter

the hole strang of events gut started on a counta how me n emily jes couldnt see eye to eye bout money. we dint make much but even so, we wuz squirrlin away a lil now n then, a nuff to have over $1,000 in the bank n to make our land payments n rent n other eggspentses. we dint never once run out, but that dint stop us frum fussin n fitin lack crazy whenever we gut to whar she figgerd twuz too low to sleep on without a major wrangin of the hands. ifn i wuznt upset lack she wuz, it made her mad on a counta that meant i dint keer.

but i did keer jes as much as she did. i jes dint see why twuz so awful fer our checkin account to git near zero now n then. whut other opshun did we have? wurse time of all wuz when i paid virg our land payment on the 7th, witch twuz due on the 1st after all, a'leavin only $33 in checkin till the nex time we gut paid. whut a fite we had over that. she wuz deathly afraid we'd git cawt short with only the $33. i couldnt fer the life of me see whut wood happen to us ifn sumbidy knew we wuz so short? whut wood they do to us?

frum a more persunal n selfish point of view, i still couldnt afford to by inny of thevil weed n i half to say my friens n relatives kept me frum a'runnin out. corse thay wuz randy fox, who wood show up when ye lease eggspeckted him n give me a lil chunk of hash or a cuple buds of thevil weed. virg or brew or mj wood share whut they had growd thar ownself.

but the main reason i never run out wuz a new frien name of johnny mayhew, a feller who wuz takin the furst shakepeare class i had in grad skool. seem lack he add mired me frum day one n he gut to whar he wood hang round with me befor class or ast did i wont a cup of coffee after, witch i never had no money n he lacked that since he could say he wuz byin n my money wuznt no good. but tho we gut to be purty good friens, i hated spongin off im n he dint lack to here me say no so i gut to wontin a lil exter money moren ever.

so frum the day i started the secunt quarter of grad skool, i let it be known how i wood lack to make sum exter money. thay wuznt no opshun to do that at furst, but by my third quarter, i gut a chants at one thang n that led to a nuther till finely i had a few coins to rattle round in my pocket n a brand new nickname.

twzu back durin the sprang quarter of 1981 when i wuz still a g.a. or graduwait assistunt. i had ast fer a chants to pick up a lil exter money, so i gut assined to wurk in the ritin lab, witch ye had students n thar that dint have a chants to pass no reglar english class without lots of hep. i had to go down thar twice each week on tuesdys n thursdys twixt 3:30 n 5:30, witch that wuz latern i lacked on a counta i generly tride to have dinner reddy round 6 of a evenin. but they dint ast my pinion so i showed up n made do. sides, i made $4.50 a hour, witch that added up to near $20 a week, a nuff to make thangs a lil easier.

befor i even gut started, sam johns tole me how thay wuz manely three kinds of students in that thar ritin lab: yer jocks, yer bimbos n yer blacks. he made it lack twuz a joke but thang wuz, twuz mosely true. my furst day i noticed how tuther teachin assistunts a'wurkin thar divided up the students. the men tuck the bimbos, the women tuck the jocks, n the blacks sat amungst themselves in the back talkin.

i ast the prof in charge, miz jeffords, whut should i do, n she sed jes see ifn innybidy wonted inny hep. by time i turnt round, a feller helt up his hand n ast wood i hep him? he wuz on the football team n he wonted to talk about the game, witch so did i but i figgerd we wuz spozed to git a paper writ n he wuz kindly hopin i wood rite his paper but i tole im i luved them vols lack nobidy else but i couldnt do that so he ast me did i thank they wuz a'gone beat alabama finely after losin ten in a row n i tole im i hoped so but we needed to wurk, witch he dint lack that so he called a g.a. name of glenda over n she seemed rite happy to take over.

it dint seem lack nobidy else wonted no hep. them that wonted hep wuz a gittin it n most everbidy else wuz ritin or readin, witch they wuz spozed to cum thar n rite n raze thar hand ifn they wonted inny hep. i couldt catch the eye of nary a one of the black students, so i figgerd they mus not wont inny hep.

i checked my watch n seen i hadnt been thar but 25 mints, so i wunderd whut wuz i a'gone do with my time. ye could torchur a bidy lack me jes by sittin im down in a room with nuthin to do. i caint abide such boredom. i went up to the prof n ast her wuz it always lack this?

i checked whut tuther grad students wuz doon n it sprized me to see how, ceptn fer glenda, they wuz mosely wurkin on thar papers n waited fer sumbidy to raze thar hand fer hep, witch that mean they mosely jes wurked on thar papers.

i didnt see how i could do that, so i give one of the bimbos a lil attenchun til she ast could i hep her, witch i figgerd out purty quick whut she wonted wuz fer me to dictate a paper to her. i wurked with her all one afternoon till she real eyesed how i wuznt a'gone rite her paper. the followin tuesdy when i cum in, she wuz a'flirtin with phil reiner, witch he wuz a phd student who had been thar ferever alreddy.

so i looked over at the black corner of the lab n a young man cawt my eye, mayhap by acksident, n before he could look away, i sed, 'how bout we git you outta here?' i musta dun sed it lack he wuz stuck in prison, witch it made the hole table laff, but i tole im that wuznt no reason to spend so much of his life waitin fer sumthin to happen when wuznt nuthin a'gone happen till he dun sumthin. he smiled whenever i sed that n stuck out his hand n sed his name wuz gerald. i tuck his hand n tole im mine wuz buddy don, but he could call me bud.

sum kinda way we hit it off n i wuz sprized bout how he had plenty to rite bout n knew verr well how to make his argument, but he was skeered to death of makin grammar, spellin, n punktuayshun miss takes. i tole im everbidy wuz a'skeered of that, so that dint matter. i gut im to make a lil outline, witch i tole im fer the outline, wuznt nobidy a'gone brang out no harbrace college handbook to mark it up, so dint matter bout the grammar, spellin n punktuayshun on that, witch he made im a purty goodn bout how ye could solve the welfare problem usin a verr simple practiss: make everbidy that gits welfare show up fer wurk n sit all day in a offus a'doon nuthin. i laffed when i red it. he had dun larnt a lot bout the suffern of sittin n doon nuthin, n he figgerd thonly folks that wood put up with such a thang wood be them that really needs the welfare.

then we tuck whut he had dun writ n wurked on gittin it to be 'formull english.' he wuz sprized how close he cum to that the verr furst time n whenever the prof graded the essay, he give gerald a b on it, witch twuz the furst time gerald had ever writ a passin essay. but he wuz rite proud of whut he had dun, so nex time i cum, witch twuz the verr nex thursdy, gerald wuz a'waitin n he had a frien who wonted me to hep too, so purt soon, i had four or five of them black students a'wurkin on papers all at once. turnt into a lil class n twuz verr intentsive since i wuz rite thar to anser inny questchun as quick as it cum up.

so i gut to lackin ritin lab jes lack twuz n seem lack everbidy wuz happy. fack is, miz jeffords gut to whar she lacked havin me round n gut me to cum in exter ifn i ever had the time. fack is, she sed i could cum in inny time atall since thay wuz always sum black students a'needin hep. then she sed, 'seem lack ye gut a way with em,' witch she meant with black folk i guess so i anserd i jes lacked keepin busy. but she woodnt let it go, trine to git me to add mitt i had a speshul way of a'gittin long with black folk. she wuz so impressd by it, she had tuck the liberty of astin round fer whar i could make even a lil more money n she cum on the idee of me tutorin over at the black cultural center or 'bcc' on volunteer bullavard. ifn i wuz innerested, i should go over thar n ast fer anthony p williams.

so i give it sum thought n figgerd i dint have no reason not to try it, so i went in n gut a innerview with anthony p williams. we gut on purty good on a counta how miz jeffords had tole him bout me alreddy. purty soon he had agreed to pay me $5.50 a hour to tutor a couple of students who had severe difficulties passin english. i gut a cuple students rite away.

one of em wuz a verr black woman frum memphis. she wuz so shy to whar she couldnt look ye in the eye but only stared at her hands whenever she wuz a'talkin, witch twuz lack pullin teeth to git inny wurds outta her innyway. but we tuck the same path i had used over at the ritin lab n gut her to puttin down her thesis n points as best she could, witch we wood go over the logick of the argument she wuz a'makin long before we ever tride fixin the english problems. she lacked that on a counta how she gut to git her points herd in sted of gittin 'crucified with errors,' as she lacked to put it.

tuther student, angela green, had a differnt problem, witch she had a verr bad attitude n wuz cunvintsed ever white person wuz out to git her, witch that made it hard fer us to git a'goin, but one evenin i cum in n found that i woodnt be doin no tutorin that day even ifn bof my students wuz thar. in sted, we watched a movie bout the underground railroad, witch i half to add mitt, i dint hardly know nuthin wurth knowin bout it till i saw that film. twuz awful to contemplate sum of the thangs dun by white people agin blackns durin slavery n thay wuz a conversayshun after the movie to discuss jes that. seem lack everbidy wuz glad to have a white person thar fer such a discusshun fer a change. sumbidy ast me whut i thought bout when i saw the movie, n befor i could cunsidder whut i wuz a gone say, i herd myself a'sayin it made me ashamed. i dint have nuthin else to add, but nobidy needed nuthin more.

after that, angela seem lack she warmed up a bit more to me or at lease to given whut i wuz a'trine to teach her more of a chants. so we gut goin too, n frum that, i had me a nuther purty good job.

corse, the money jes went into the same account, but whenever it cum time to argue bout the last $33 in checkin or sumthin, i could always say that twuz a good thang i had that exter wurk on a counta twood be empty otherwise. n thay wuznt much emily could say, even ifn she wuz still verr unhappy bout it.

long in the sprang of the furst year of grad skool, witch that wood be sprang of 1982, the english department gut em a softball team up n johnny mayhew figgerd we should join up. twuz a lotta fun. johnny wuz a odd frien. he wood praise me in publick ever chants he gut. he started cummin to group n hepped the idee that i wuz the leader by the way he ackted. he even sed he wuz too intimidated to rite nuthin, but i kep at im n eventually he dun it.

he wuz a verr good frien. he gut me to wurking out with weights, witch we dun that frum the time softball started n kep it up fer a few years. i gut my weight up to a lifelong high of 162 pounds, but i couldnt hold it. still, i wuz in better shape than ever n havin a real good time playin softball n wurkin out. life wuz verr busy, but also verr rewardin.

whenever the fall of 1982 cum around, anthony p. williams ast me did i know how to play basketball. fack is, daddy had hung up a backboard over the garage whenever we eli n me gut to be bout 11 or 12, so we had played a million games of horse n one on one or two on one. i dint know much moren that, but i had a cuple of shots i could use in horse lack a long set shot n a pure hook, witch ye dont hardly see nobidy take hook shots no more. innywho, whenever anthony ast me, i tole im i had played a lil. he ast did i wonta be on the bcc team. i figgerd ye wood half to be black n ast him dint that matter? he sed he dint see why since everbidy else on the team wood be black.

so i joined. we practissed a nuff to whar anthony tole me he dint need me to be drivin the basket much, though twuz nice how i drove to the left. he n brother john, as tuther main player wuz named, wood take keer of that. twuz odd since i wuz tallern eethur one of em, but i couldnt jump the way they could n twuz amazin how they could cut through a pile of folks n cum out with the ball in the hoop. turnt out ye had to have three players n that wuz jes whut we had, so i gut to play all the time.

fer the most part, i was the outlet guy, witch whenever thangs gut too tough inside, they wood throw me the ball n i wood be able to hit a set shot or a hook (ifn innybidy wuz guardin me, witch mosely they dint waste time guardin me). purt soon johnny gut wind i wuz on such a team n that gut him to wontin to see us play. so i tole im when our nex game wuz n he cum.

twuz one of them games whar ye caint do no rong. brother john couldnt make it so we had us a tall skinny kid frum detroit who sed he dint know how to play, witch that meant he wuz our outside threat n anthony had me trine to pick n roll with him n all. lack i say, twuz one of them games whar everthang went rite fer me. my passin wuz crisp n fooled the defents. i sprized em time n agin by drivin to the left in sted of to my rite lack everbidy else dun. n i started makin layups n such to whar tuther team gut so mad that one of em threw me to the ground whenever i had lef my feet to make a jump shot. amazingly, that shot went in.

meanwhile, johnny mayhew wuz rootin lack thay wuz no tomorrow. purty soon, we ast did he wonta take the spot of the tall skinny kid, witch he dint wonta play nohow n only dun it sos we woodnt half to forfit. so johnny joined the game n then i could here whut he had been a'shoutin bout me, a'callin me 'docter b' after julius erving, witch he wuz known as docter j. purt soon that turnt into 'the docter' or jes 'docter.'

fer years dint nobidy much call me nuthin else. folks wood cum to group n ast me whut wuz my docterut in n thay wuz sprized whenever i sed i dint have no docterut n dint have no plans to git one.

we wood go play miz pacman a lot in them days, speshly after a group meetin. twuz sumthin that made emily mad, but since i wuz makin the quarters, she dint feel lack she had a rite to objeck to how i mite spend four or five of em sum evenin. ifn i wuz havin a lucky nite, i mite pay the furstn n then the challengers wood pay after that. on evenins lack that, johnny wood be crowin bout how 'the docter is operatin.'

i wuz rite prouod of that nickname. i figgerd the way i gut it sed a lot bout how ye move frum one way of life to a nuther, how yer needs lead ye into sum good thangs n all. i dint real eyes how in gittin that nickname, i gut a glimpse of my futchur, much moren i ever coulda real eyesed at the time.

fever of buddy don: day two

still gut it. all day yesterdy i couldnt git it down under 102, but last nite broke n now tiz about 100.5. feels a lot better even ifn i wont be able to wurk thisaway. sumbidy at wurk tole me bout havin this. furst ye cough n have sumthin lack bronchitis only taint n then ye git a high fever to whar yer eyes hurts n then ye git that fever broke n ye gut a sick stumach to look forward to. tiz awful, but brang it on so i kin git thru this!

fever of buddy don: cawt the corporut cold

everbidys had it n yesterdy i gut it. by time i gut home, temp wuz 101.7, so i probly spread it too. wurk is the best place to git sick on a counta how nobiy lacks to be out, witch they cum in sick n spread the germs. yestrdy i dun it too. so tiz back to bed with me, a'hopin that fever brakes soon -- my verr eyeballs hurts frum it.

pinions of buddy don: arithmetick

i been readin this here book name of my life by former presdint bill clinton. on page 537 thays a comment wurthy of quotin:

In later years I was often asked what great new idea my economic team and I brought to economic policy making. Rather than give a complicated explanation of the bond market/deficit-reduction strategy, I always gave a one-word answer: "arithmetic." The American people had been told for more than a decade that their government was a gluttonous leviathan swallowing their hard-earned tax dollars to no good end. Then the same politicians who told them that, and served up tax cuts to starve the evil beast, would turn right around and spend themselves to reelection, leaving the false impression that the voters could have programs they didn't pay for, and that the only reason we had big deficits was wasteful spending on foreign aid, welfare, and other programs for poor people, a tiny fraction of the budget. Spending on "them" was bad; spending and tax cuts for "us" were good. As my fiscally conservative friend Senator Dale Bumpers used to say: "You let me write $200 billion a year in hot checks and I'll show you a good time, too."

i wish thay wuz sumbidy in mr bushs administrayshun that could do arithmetick. in sted, we git this kinda thankin:

1. the social security system is in crisis -- crisis! -- on a counta how in 2018 twill start sendin more to our citizens than tiz a'takin frum em in taxes.
2. dont matter nun how way back in 1983 mr greenspan n mr raygun cunvintsed the people to let thar payroll taxes be raised to whar, with jes three wurkers fer ever social security recipient, ye still git a surplus of near $100 billion most years.
3. that money wuz put into a trust fund of u.s. treasury notes, the safest investment thay is (on a counta how the point of social security aint to git rich but to keep frum bein destitue with nuthin, n fer that, ye trade higher rates of return fer safer, more secure investments.)
4. mr bush spent that money by usin policies that reduced a huge surplus to the largest deficit in our cuntry's histry.
5. now he dont wonta half to pay it back on a counta how all his budgets are writ on the assumpshun he kin use that money fer other thangs.
6. but ye caint default on a treasury note, so sum kinda way they gut to cover the differnts, witch they gut em a magick plan (lack voodoo economicks or trickle down theories that caint pass no arithmetick test neethur) to let the folks thats payin into soshul securty quit a'doon it jes when thar money is needed most!
7. in sted, the plan is to borry more! so in sted of havin to pay off the trust fund that mr bush dun wasted, he thanks he kin jes borry more n twont have no effeck on nobidy, speshly not the interst rates n bond markets.
8. corse, to cover the eggspentses frum that borryin, thay gut em a plan to cut benefits by up to 45% by 2052, witch is when the cbo sez twill no longer be able to pay off the benefits promissed since the trust fund wood be all used up n thay wood be that other huge debt to pay (with near 40 of interst tacked on top), n how else ye a'gone pay it but by cuttin benefits?

so to make up fer owin too much, we gut to borry a bunch more, cut benefits on the mos successful gummin program ever, take the small risk that has a small return n spread that risk over all the individuals, whar the theory is they git a better return. ifn thay wuz innybidy in the bush administrayshun that knew arithmetick, they could splain why ye git a better return on equities than bonds -- thar much riskier! ye dont git loser in bonds, but thays minny a story bout folks losin thar shirts in the stock market.

whut it all boils down to is takin our soshul securty n givin us a 401(k) plan in return.

innybidy member how that wurked out at enron?

pinions of buddy don: tiz the bias, stoopid

i jes found a articull by leonard pitts of the miami herald name of Party allegiance, bias are swaying our opinions, witch he rites bout a scientifick eggspearmint dun by a feller name of Drew Westen to find out ifn folks is unbiased n objecktiv n such lack.

turns out that ifn ye know a persuns pallticks, ye kin tell whut that persun is a'gone bleeve.

fer eggzample, mr westen asts his subjecks to cunsidder the case of a soljer accused of tortchur. no matter whut the evidents of that soljer gittin orders frum above to doot, publicans n them that lacks mr bush bleeves the soljer wuz actin alone. n no matter how much evidents they give that he jes acted alone, dimcrats n them that dont much lack mr bush is always a'gone say them orders cum frum above.

sad as tiz, it splains a lot. i caint git over how it seems lack were a'livin in at lease two sepert worls. frum my perspecktiv, publicans n bush fans dont keer bout whuts real n lie bout it rite n left. but i reckun thar side wood thank the same thang bout me -- ceptn they wood be wrong :^Þ.

as nietzsche put it, 'there are no facts, only interpretations.' thats one way to put it. wont a nuthern? tiz the bias, stoopid.

pinions of buddy don: mundys

mundys. dredful. i couldnt hardly git myself to wake up this mornin. so ye dont git nuthin but these few wurds. ye wood thank i woodnt feel so tired since i slept late, but i am whupped. twernt lack we did nuthin much over the weekend, tho we did watch payton mannings team take them broncos apart. nuff fer now.

frustrayshun of buddy don: tecknology is spozed to hep us, right?

yesterdy i had to go home early with a migraine. ackshly, i knew i wuz probly havin one, but i wonted to make shore. problem is how ye git them furst symptoms n ifn ye take yer medicine then, ye mite swell be havin a migraine whuther ye are or not on a counta how the medicine knocks ye out. i went to wurk innyway on a counta two thangs:

1. i wonted to see whuther i wuz ackshly havin a migraine, witch turnt out i wuz.
2. i had a verr importunt meetin at noon n i figgerd no matter how bad twuz, i should be able to tuff it out till then, witch i did, but twuz a bad way to suffer in publick.

but that aint the point of today's post.

a lil while back, i tride to make an appointment fer my yearly physicull with my docter. they gut em a new online schedulin thang at the offus whar he wurks, witch i made the miss take of puttin in a email address frum my last job on a counta how twuz close to whar the docters offus is. thang is, i caint git em to change my email address to a valid address in three years of trine. when i try to git my password, they send it to that dead email address.

not only that, i caint git nobidy to anser thar phone on a counta since they have em this new skedulin softare, the figger they dont need as minny folks ye kin ackshly talk to.

i figger i probably gone have to git a new docter even tho i lack thisn n have dun been a'goin to im fer nigh onto eight years now. i tride to find out whuther my attemp to skedule the physicull tuck n whut time im spozed to be thar ifn it did, but thays no way to tell. so i reckon i dint git one.

nex step is to send em snail mail splainin why thar a'gone lose my bizness n sayin goodbye to one of the bes docters i ever had.

i lack them tecknologicull add vantses that ackshly makes thangs better, lack the microwave or mp3s. but sum add vantses is wursern whut they replaced. tiz a crine shame.

futchur fun of buddy don: keens tastins cummin up

yesterdy my irish friend sent me a blackberry note sayin he had sum real good news, witch turnt out to be how keens chophouse is holdin sum tastins purty soon. thays three of em, two bout scotches n one fer red wine. my docter tole me not to drank no red wine or beer on a counta they gut histimeans in em that kin cause migraines, so we wont be attendin thatn. that leaves two that we dont wanna miss:

1. Robbie Burns Night Celebration: New Single Malts in the Market Place (windsdy, jan 26, 7 pm)
2. Scotch Whisky from the Inside: A Special In-Depth Seminar and Tasting with F. Paul Pacult (tuesdy, march 22, 7 pm)

ye kin read sum deetails bout em here. ye mite recolleck how we met mr. pacult durin a prior tastin.

tiz fittin that i thank eric over at straight white guy fer gittin us off on a good start whenever it cums to sangle malt scotches. thankee, sir!

fears of buddy don: the unknown

sum the good news frum last year fer me n miz bd wuz how our apartment complex is goin private, witch we hope to buy ours. one thang ye need fer that is good credit, n the way ye kin figger how good or bad tiz at the moment is by findin yer FICO score. i been a'knowin i wuz a'gone need to find it out fer bout a munth or more, but fer sum reason, i couldnt git over thankin the news wood be bad n ifn twuz, wood ruin whutever day i wuz bout to have. but sooner or later ye gut to face such thangs, so this mornin, i orderd ours. i am deeligthed to report twuznt bad atall. fack is, looks lack we orta be able to borry bout whutever we need.

that sez lots bout a bidys fears. twuznt no reason to be scairt n ye couldnt avoid the facks whuther they wuz good or bad. so bes thang to do is face em hed on. i know that to be true n even gut mad at my own daddy fer not checkin his health till twuz too late to do innythang bout it. then i go n ack the same way bout this. shows how the fruit dont fall far frum the tree, huh?

pinions of buddy don: day of reckonin?

thays been a slew of articulls lately on soshul securty. them thats been trine to dismantle it frum the day twuz started claim tiz in a crisis, that we gut to do sumthin now or face a day of reckonin.

when is that day? this feller name of edwin j feulner over at the heritage foundation claims tiz 2018. heres how he puts this dishonest claim:

The revered entitlement program seems fine, but it needs fixing. Starting in 2018, Social Security will start paying out more than it takes in through taxes.

tiz a common lie thats bein tole all over the place. fack is, soshul securty has dun been payin in add vants jes to cover this day, witch we started a'doon that back when president raygun n alan greenspan raised soshul securty taxes on us all back in 1983. that money wuz spozed to be locked away n makin a good rate of interst in a verr secure investment, u.s. gummint bonds.

now tiz gittin close to time to pay em back n folks lack dr feulner wonts us to thank they shouldnt have to pay us whut they owe. n no wunder: ifn thar a'gone make good on that debt, they wont be able to make them tax cuts on the rich a permanent thang. we dun spent all the money on tax cuts fer the rich n a unneeded war in iraq, a'wipin out the surplus without payin off no bills, n runnin up the highest deficit in our histry.

now they a'gone save soshul securty lack they dun falouja: dismantle the hole program. take it frum bein a secur insurants policy fer all to bein a way sum folks (mos of em wurk on wall street n i know a bunch of em whose dun countin thar future profits) kin git even richer than they dun alreddy are.

fack is, evertime they recalculate how long tiz a'gone last, the number goes up. in 1994 the figgerd twood last till near 2035. now they figger twill be either till 2042 or 2052, dependin on whos doin the calculatin. ifn the economy keeps on a'growin moren they perdick -- moren 1.9% a year, that is -- then twill be a hole lot longer till thay aint a nuff to pay us all whut we dun been promissd.

corse, ifn the ecomony performs so bad -- 1.9% growth -- over the next 50 years, then investin in stocks wont git ye nowhar. ye wood have a lot more risk, no insurants fer when yer disabled or sick or lose yer parent, no perteckshun agin the day when folks takes that money n uses it fer sumthin else. purty soon we kin have us our own hoovervilles of ole folks that aint gut nuthin.

wunder ifn them japanese n chinese that owns a huge chunk of our debt -- a lil under $4 trillion of it -- wunder ifn they wood accep puttin sum of that money into the stock market in sted sos we woodnt half to pay em back? wood they lack that? or woodnt they have dun bought stock in the furst place ifn they wonted a riskier investment with a possibull higher return?

life of buddy don, chaptur 129: them bruises

by januwary of 1982 whenever the winter quarter begun, i had dun larnt how to be a graduwait student, witch twuz a game whar yer perfessers give ye more wurk than inny human could ever do n then see ifn ye kin figger out whut to do n whut to pertend ye dun n how to make it seem lack ye dun whut ye never had time to do.

then thay wuz yer classes, witch ye had to take two or three of em, two ifn ye wood teach two english classes, witch thats purty much whut everbidy had to do to make ends meet. corse teachin two classes wuznt no easy trick neethur on a counta ye had ye a good 25 students in each class n they had to rite em at lease 8 essays to pass n ye couldnt speck moren maybe 5 of em to drop the class befor they had dun failed the thurd essay.

corse, that wudnt a nuff fer me on a counta how i wonted to be a riter n figgerd all that wurk at skool wuz jes a way to give me sumthin to do while i wuz spozed to be ritin, witch i felt guilty mos everday of skool on a counta how i dint rite as much as i figgerd i orta, witch that led to us gittin that group a'goin n that becum lack a nuther corse i wuz a'takin only the stories i writ fer it is still wurth readin n aint hardly nuthin i writ fer skool wurth lookin at twice.

ifn ye mayshur in a lil time fer gittin yer grossries n doon yer housewurk n a lil time fer visitin friends n more time fer dealin with the farm n givin yer fambly thar time ever now n agin, ye kin see whar thay wuznt hardly time to have sex with yer wife. twuz so bad to whar one mornin emily splaind to me how durin the nite i had woke her up without a'wakin up my ownself n got her all hot n botherd till we masturbated together, witch we dun that in sted of 'doin it' on a counta she dint have her diaphram in, witch she wuz a'takin the pill but she wuz so deathly afraid of gittin pregnunt that she had to use two methods at lease. i caint member nuthin lack that happenin to this verr day, but she swore twuz jes whut happend n showed me the stains to proov it. tiz the kinda thang that makes ye wunder ifn ye takin on too much.

so twuz only natcherul how i gut to whar i wood try to mix two or three thangs together, a'trine to git eli or virgil or maisie or brew to cum to the group or visitin em only durin a party or rite befor a party to hep git thangs reddy.

nuther way i tuck keer of moren one thang at once wuz in gittin eli to cum over to take me on our munthly grossry run to the krogers out on chapman hiway. twuz a fack that i spent more time with eli than i dun with all my other brothers n sisters combined, mainly on a counta how we wuz close in age n bofus lacked to rite n all. ye mite member how he had bought my volkswagen whenever i quit carbide n started skool n how twuz good fer him n me bof till he wrecked it round christmus of 1981. it tuck em a coupla munths to git it to whar twood run agin tho they couldnt git it alined proper, witch that meant it chewed up tires before thar warranty hardly gut dry.

innywho, his car bein broke is whut gut maisie out fer a visit n to hep me git them grossries long bout the end of januwary n the instunt i seen her, i knew sumthin wuz rong. her rite eye wuz blue black n her nose wuz crooked. ye could almost see the fist print n whenever i looked at her that furst time, thay wuz a moment when bofus knew whut twuz i wuz a'seein, but whenever i ast whut happend, she claimed how she wuz the clumsiest human alive n how she had fallen n landed rite on the door handle n dont i know how we duncans need to larn to clean up our thangs to whar we woodnt be trippin overm?

i let them lies go fer true fer a lil while sos we could git them grossries. we talked bout lots of thangs. i tole her bout a story i had writ name of Cleaning Up, witch i splained how twuz a tale bout them four thangs that makes marrg so hard: relatives, sex, money, cleanin the house. befor she knew whut she had sed, she added one: alkyhol. agin, i dint say much bout it, but we gut on the topick of how hard tiz to be marrd.

ye mite member how maisie deecided she wood marr oscar clowder, witch he wuz brew's bes frien. oscar n brew gut to be friens whenever they went to robertsville junior high skool. thay had bofem ended up in whut brew called the dum class. whut happend to brew wuz we moved whenever he wuz in furst grade n he dint larn how to read all that well, so by thurd grade, them skools had deetermind he wuz a'gone spend his educayshun in the lease challengin classes.

oscar gut to them dum classes a differnt way, witch he wuz the kinda feller that jes couldnt hold in a smart-alecky remark even ifn he knew twood git him in trouble. he lacked to make fun of the smart kids in class n hung round them that dint bleeve in trine all that hard.

twernt a matter of eethur one of em bein dum atall. fack is, brew is bout as smart as innybidy ye ever met, speshly ifn yer trine to settle sum kinda conflick, witch thats one reason he rose up so high in the local of them carbide guards. i member minny a deebate at home with daddy n me n eli n roena may making the mos sofisticated arguments ye could magine. finely brew wood speak, say one line bout how mayhap he dint understand the issue well a nuff, but he thought twuz a simple matter. then he splained whut he though n purty soon, couldnt nobidy cum up with a better anser. he lacked to say since he wuz dum, he had to listen harder befor he sed innythang, n since he wuz dum, he had to thank rite keerful bout whut he wuz a'gone say so nobidy dint make fun of him.

bofem fellers lacked fishin moren jes bout innythang, so they wood tie flies n buy rods n study weather n git depth finders n yew name it. wuznt nuthin thay lacked bettern goin fishin out a melton hill lessn they could git up to obed. bout as quick as he got on out at the plant, brew bought him a lil flat-bottum boat with a evenrude motor n thay gut to whar they knew mos ever inch of melton hill lake n then they gut to wurkin on watts bar.

thay wuz bofem born in 1955, so whenever it cum time fer the draft lottry of 1973, thar fates pointed em in differnt die-reckshuns. oscars number wuz low, somewhar in the thirties if i recolleck it rite, but brews number wuz near the verr top, 361, witch we had us a party fer thatn n oscar wuz thar n a lil riled bout how fate had dun im, a nuff to whar he gut to drankin tequila n broke up a lil anteek coffee table aunt ruth had give us by sittin on it n then laffin whenever the legs give way.

so oscar joined the navy n spent mos of his two years over in the fillipines, whar he claims all he dun wuz type forms out all day ever day. by the time he cum back home, we had the farm so oscar gut to whar he wuz one of the callus basturd reglars out thar, witch thats how he cum to know maisie.

oscar had gut im a job at orkin sprayin houses fer bugs, witch he gut rid of all the bugs out at the farm once maisie moved out n cumplaind bout em. he had im a good wit n could keep ye in stitches talkin bout cockroaches. he dint have no problem touchin em or even smashin em dead with the palm of his hand, witch that turnt everbidys stumach.

i reckon thay musta gut marrd rite after we cum back frum germany, sumtime in 1980. they gut marrd in the presbyterian church, same as roena may had dun, n then they moved in to oscars apartment, witch twuz one of them pre-fabs name of 'e apartments' on highland avenue.

once they had dun marrd, ye could go ver long stretches without seein maisie even one time. she wurked as a dental assistunt to the same dentist gretchen schuler wurked at, witch thats how gretchen n maisie gut to be bes friens, n twuznt odd not to see her now n then. fer that matter, ye mite not see inny one of us fer long stretches, so dint nobidy thank nuthin of it.

but whenever i saw them bruises that furst time, a slew of thoughts run through my mind bout how everthang fit all of a sudden: her disappearin now n then, the way randy fox hated oscar clowder, the way everbidy lacked jokin bout how clumsy maisie wuz, even the habit she gut in of gittin sample painkillers frum her dentist.

whenever it cums to drugs, maisie wuz eager to git innythang she could. she lacked mos ever drug ceptn the evil weed, n she luved to git thangs frum eli, witch he had dun been thru a long series of differnt medicayshuns till they finely gut him more or less settled down on a steddy dose of bout six differnt pills, witch the one he lacked the bes -- artane -- wuznt even spozed to hep his mental illness but wuz fer the side effecks of them otherns, manely the problem of how his muscles wood git to twitchin to whar he couldnt git still. turnt out they wuz a favert of maisies too.

eli begged me to try it sos i wood know whut kinda 'chemical cage' he wuz a'livin in, so i dun it. twuz a verr odd kinda hi whar ye dint wonta do much of innythang. ye could sit lookin at yer hands fer hours, swep up in wunder bout how mazin fangers is. eli lacked to call it 'brain-stop,' but even he add mitted yer brain dint stop but jes gut stuck on common thangs since everthang seemed lack such a miracull when ye wuz on it. ye also dint feel a hole lotta pain whenever ye wuz on it.

maisie luved her sum artane n purty soon she gut to whar she could git it frum her dentist, witch i dont know whuther he wuz even in on it -- maisie dun everthang at the offus includin the books, so twuznt hard fer her to hide sumthin lack that.

odd thang bout oscar wuz how he dint much lack takin no drugs. he lacked dranking beer n had the red face n pot belly that goes along with a six-pack a day habit (ifn he dint drank more, speshly whenever he n virgil gut to drankin together). everbidy knew he had im a bit of a problem with it, but lack lots of folks with problems, oscar lacked to point at the problems other folks wuz havin whenever one of his problems wuz a'showin.

me n maisie talked bout mos everthang under the sun ceptn fer them bruises that i couldnt keep frum starin at. we wurked our way thru the marital battles round sex n relatives n money, witch thay had em thar share of trubles in all three, n turnt out cleanin up the house wuznt no problem since they wuz bofem such slobs that they never noticed.

bout the time we had made our way thru them topicks of marital mizry, i sed i hadnt cunsidderd alkyhol as one of them topicks befor. that made maisie blush till i sed, 'ye dont half to lie to me, maise. i kin see how yer been beat n taint the mark of no door handle.' that statement busted the damn n the tears flooded out. we hugged while she tried to splain the hole thang, how twuz really her fault on a counta i dint know whut a bitch she could be n she orta know bettern to say sartin thangs to oscar whenever he wuz drunk n she needed to larn how to hold her tung when she knew she wuz a'winnin the fuss n fite n she knew he dint have no chants agin her in fussin n fitin on a counta all she had larnt frum mama n daddy.

after that, it tuck her a while befor she wuz dun with the kleenex n could talk without crine. purty soon she tuck her a big breath n let it out n laffed. then she ast me to promiss i woodnt tell nobidy bout whut she had tole me. i tole her that woodnt be easy, but she insisted, so i did.

fer a few weeks, she wood cum over bout ever other day, till i half to add mitt i wished the problem could be over on a counta all the wurk i had to do. i blush to add mitt that now on a counta i caint member a sangle importunt thang frum that wurk i had to do but i caint never fergit whut maisie wuz a'gone thru.

long bout the beginnin of the fall quarter in 1981, emily made her a new frien, a woman that lived in our bildin name of margaret dobbins, witch everbidy called her maggie. maggie wuz a beeyootiful woman who had dun been marrd twice n had a lil boy left over frum each marrg. turnt out she had been abused durin her furst marrg, witch that led to the secunt one on a counta she marrd the lawyer that handled her case. he hired her as a legal secretary n i never herd whut ended thatn. innywho, emily tole her bout whut i had dun tole emily bout whut maisie had tole me bout whut oscar had been a'doon to maisie. maggie wonted to hep, so we tride to git maggie n maisie a chants to talk bout how she could deal with the situwayshun. maggie lacked to point out that twuz importunt fer maisie to make the deecishun her ownself. she dint need to be forced on a counta her problem wuz how she had been forced to accep ever deecishun made bout her frum the time she wuz born, witch i had to add mitt twuz so.

but maisie dint never git no chants to meet maggie. in sted, oscar tole brew bout how he had to put maisie in her place, witch eli herd that n went over to see maisie n put two n two together. maisie begged him not to tell nobidy, but twuznt his way. he gut to shoutin bout how evil oscar wuz n how sumbidy needed to do sumthin bout him. whenever i herd how angry he gut, i wunderd had i dun the rong thang by not gittin into a angry snit my ownself.

once the news wuz in elis mouth, twuznt but a hop skip n a jump till we were all in a fambly council over the matter, witch everbidy wuz thar ceptn brew. mama wuz sayin how she wonted to beat the peewaddlin out of oscar her ownself, witch she sed he she had always figgerd he wuz meanern a striped snake. eli gut to talkin bout how twuznt no marrg n twoodnt be no sin to deevorce such a animull. poor maisie dint do nuthin but sit n cry n try to beg folks to let her do thangs her own way. i tride to support that idee, but daddy brung everthang to a end by tellin us all to shut up.

durin that long silence, twuz easy to see how much daddy luved maisie n how hurt he wuz by all this stuff. they had always had em a speshul relayshunship. they lacked to hike together, speshly up to frozen head state park or mount le conte. they had em a secret tree that dint nobidy no nuthin bout sumwhar over in the woods near south hills golf course in oak ridge. to this verr day, aint nobidy outside of daddy n maisie that knows whar that tree is. so when daddy sed fer us to shut up, we did n twuz such a moment that maisie even stopped crine to listen to whut daddy wuz a'gone say.

he tuck his time gittin reddy, smokin the res of his cigarette n drankin the res of his beer n openin a nuther. finely, he sed, 'maisie, i aint a'gone say this but one time: ifn yer a'gone stay with that man -- no that lil slimey inseck -- ifn yer a'gone stay with him, ye all are a'gone half to git used to visitin me in prison or at the graveyard. i will kill him ifn he touches ye one more time.' maisie tride to say sumthin, but daddy shut her up n turnt to eli n sed, 'wood ye tell oscar whut i jes sed?' eli wuz proud to do jes that, only he wonted to know whut we should do bout brew. daddy sed ifn oscar wuz a'whuppin brew, that wood be brews problem. eli sed twuznt that, but how brew n oscar wuz bes friens. agin, daddy sed twuz brews problem n we couldnt live brews life fer im. eli dint lack the anser n he later tole me he dint see why we let brew live his life but changed maisies. all i ast him in reply wuz dint maisie ast ye to keep quite with whut ye knew? made him mad n he sed i must not luv maisie verr much ifn i wood let her git beat up thataway.

by this time, twuz near finals in march, so i dint see much of nobidy fer a while. but i couldnt quit a'thankin bout maisie n purty soon i rote a story name of Big Wheels Roll bout her n the situwayshun, witch i member how ashamed i felt whenever i red it to the group n they all gut to praisin it n i gut to thankin how i wuz so brazen as to make a 'profit' on maisies pain.

once the quarter wuz over, maisie ast could she cum hep us git grossries. emily wuz at skool whenever maisie gut thar, so we drove out n gut the grossries. maisie kep on a'sayin she felt bad bout thangs on a counta she wuz jes as much to blame as oscar. she dint know if she should stay away frum him or maybe move back in. he even ast he bout whuther he should re-up in the navy sos they could see the worl. i sed no doubt he wonted to git away frum the fambly on a counta how we woodnt tolerate whut he wuz a'doon to her. maisie jes kep a'sayin i dint understand.

whenever we gut home, i ast her did she wonta git hi, which corse she did. i tole her bout ritin a story on the topick, so she gut to beggin to read it. i finely let her. twuz a long time she red it n her tears gut to flowin agin, but she dint wonta stop. whenever she wuz dun she stood up n started walkin in a circle. then she stopped n put her arms out. i give her a big ole hug. while i wuz a'doon that, she thanked me fer lettin her read that story. i gut to whar i wonted to apologize fer usin her story fer my writin, but she dint wonta here nun of that.

'ye dont understand, bud. i luv yer story n besides that, i aint a'gone back to him fer nuthin now. i dint real eyes till now jes how thangs wuz till i saw whut ye had writ. taint my fault atall. i aint a'gone back to him fer nuthin now.'

maisie never went back to live with oscar agin n thar deevorce cum thru sumtime durin the summer. maisie started datin n such n one day she cum over to visit when emily wuz in class. she sed she wonted to thank me. i ast her fer whut? she sed, 'fer showin me whut them bruises look lack.'

resolushuns of buddy don: resolved not to resolve

tiz that time of year when ye git the temptayshun to make yer life better, witch ifn ye foller that much, ye git to the point whar ye promiss, sumtimes in a public forum, bout how yer a'gone quit eatin the rong foods n start extercisin n readin good books n goin to church n yew name it. tiz the fashun to make them resolushuns n then keep em fer mayhap three or four weeks n then go back to livin lack normal.

so i wont be makin no resolushuns to speak of ceptn to give thanks all year long fer the minny times god has proved he luvs the undeservin by blessin me. as proof, heres ten of the blessins frum 2004:

1. gut the luv of my life in my wife, witch she dun gut to wurkin out n reshapin her bidy without a'makin no resolushun atall (n the results is stunnin!)
2. gut a grate son n two grate step-children, witch the bes news of the year is how each of em has found luv with sum of the bes folks i ever gut to meet
3. thay wuznt no death in the fambly this year, tho thay wuz a marrg
4. i made it thru a nuther year on my job
5. gut a new migraine docter who has been hepful even ifn thays lots left to be figgerd out bout how to avoid the nextn
6. our bildin is goin frum rental to condo in mid-januwary, witch we hope to by the one we live in
7. them vols is playin on new years day
8. new york (n the hole united states) dint git a nuther terrist attack
9. drunk my furst sangle malt scotch
10. n thays minny more blessins i caint thank of rite now, witch one of em is how im glad we aint invaded no more cuntries!

me n miz bd will be spendin this evnin together, witch tiz a grate blessin that happens mos ever day. our prayers are with them in south asia thats trine to recover frum that tsunami, witch tiz more than yer mind kin hold to thank of such a thang a'happenin n tiz a gigantick blessin that it dint happen in the atlantick (witch it could happen mos innywhar).

thankee fer droppin by now n then. may yer new year be yer bestn ever!

pinions of buddy don: intelligents failyer

the bombin in mosel wuz a suicide bombin made possibull by the superior intelligents of the insurgents over the intelligents we have. them insurgents has dun infiltrated iraqis on our side. on a counta how they kin speak bof our langwage n thars n we kin only speak ourn, they git to know jes bout everthang we gut planned n we dont git to know much of nuthin bout who they are, whar they are, nor whut they gut planned.

we dun had so minny intelligents failyers with them weppons of mass distruckshun n ties to al qaeda that dint pass the reality test that ye mite could thank we wood do sumthin bout it, but no matter whut we do, twill be too late for our troops thats dun alreddy dyin fer not havin it.

mizry of buddy don: nuther day lost to migraines

i dint wurk yesterdy on a counta havin a nuther migraine. this year has been a verr hard one fer migraines, maybe the wurst yet fer me. thangs seemed to be a'goin good after i met dr mauskopf on march 2. i started takin the medicine he give me n dint have much in the way of migraines till the season changed. ye mite could spot a patturn in these migraines:

• march 28: all day sundy migraine
• september 18: all day saturdy migraine
• october 4: mundy migraine, missed wurk
• october 18-20: mundy till wendsdy migraines, witch dr mauskopf sed twuz artifishull flaver in canned soup that caused the problem (n i dont eat nothin lack that no more)
• november 14: all day sundy migraine, no vomitin
• november 21: all day sundy migraine, vomited ever 20 minutes frum 5 am till 9 pm; attack stopped when i tuck a shower, but that never wurked agin
• november 27: saturdy migraine, witch miz bd had perdickted i wood git one on a counta how the weather changed
• december 18-19: i started gittin symptums of thisn on fridy n tuck the medicine early, but the migraine wuz wurser on saturdy; by sundy, it seemed lack twuz gone, so i went to wurk on mundy
• december 20-21: by 1 pm mundy, folks that wurks fer me wuz splainin how i looked as awful as i felt, so i went home; woke up sickern a dog in bout midnite n dint hardly sleep agin till i had to add mitt i wuz sick n tuck my medicine n slept almos all day

so i git back to wurk today n hope i dont git no more migraines this year. i have a pointment fer a full physicull on january 7 n after that, i go back to dr mauskopf to see ifn we caint find sumthin that wurks better.

thang that gits me is how ye caint even be shore tiz migraines thats doggin me. i wuz readin daddys diary tuther day (on the anniversary of his death) n i wuz sprizd by how he dint know whut he had even four weeks befor he died, witch he died frum complicayshuns that started with panchreatick cancer.

i sed sumthin bout readin that to mamma n she cumplained bout how daddy had dun hid most of his symptums. i ast her whut symptums did she mean? she sed he gut to whar he wood vomit all day only he dint let her know till he started turnin yeller, witch by then twuz too late.

i caint hep but hope im on a differnt path.

migraines of buddy don: tiz the season

tiz a sign of how thangs is when ye go thru a weekend of migraines n all ye kin thank to say is how grateful ye are that twuz on a weekend n not durin the week on a counta tiz too deepressin to miss wurk.

on fridy, me n my irish friend tuck the toys fer tots we had colleckted over to drop em off. on the way back, i noticed how the top of my head wuz so tender ye mite could wunder did i scrape it? turnt out to be the beginnin of a weekend migraine sesshun, witch me n miz bd gut to oberve a lot bout how they wurks.

mane thang is, when ye feel that tenderness on yer scalp, yer already in the middle of it.

looks lack tiz a seasonal thang fer me. i dint have a sangle migraine frum march 8 till september 24, but since then, seems lack i dun had one a week. we keep a'gittin crazy weather, n miz bd jes tole me looks lack migraine a cummin in on me jes in time fer christmus. lease i wont miss no wurk!

good times of buddy don: lettin the boss take us to keens

we wuz all a lil sprized n disappointed to larn our boss is a'gone leave the city n go back to californy, witch hes gut real good fambly reasons fer it, but ye hate to lose a good boss.

fack is, he deecided to take me n my irish friend to dinner at keens. shows ye whut a good boss he is. innywho, me n my irish friend deecided we woodnt let him pay fer dinner on a counta he wont be with us much longer. so we tole him we had a lil stop to make at park avenue likker befor we gut to keens but we wood meet him thar.

once we gut settled into seats in our favert room, my irish friend give the waiter a $20 bill n ast him wood he do us a favor, witch we wonted to pay fer the evenin rite up frunt. we also wonted him or sumbidy to cum out whenever our boss ast fer the check n ast wuz he joe blow (made up name)? then he wuz spozed to say a cuple other thangs.

once we had dun tuck keer of that, we gut down to the bizness of tastin sum scotch we hadnt never had befor: bowmore 30 year n lagavulin 12 year (why duz lagavulin 12 year cost so much moren lagavulin 16?) n sume bruichladdich 1984 vintage. they wuz all wonderful, speshly the lagavulin (fer me) n the bowmore (fer my irish friend).

bout the time we had drunk our scotch, our boss showed up, we orderd dinner, had good talk n yew name it. our boss had brung a bottle of sautern, so fer deesert we had a cheese platter n killd the wine. twuz rite nice, a purrfeck endin to a grate evenin.

then over cum the manger of the place to our boss.

'Joe? Joe Blow?' (ye could see the look of cuncern on our boss's face on a counta he figgerd it had to be a call frum his wife bout sum problem. even so, he add mitted to bein the joe blow in questchun.

'We understand you are leaving town, going to California.'

'What? How would you know --'

'Sir, Keens has an offer to make. If you truly will leave town and promise never to return, there will be no charge for the meal.'

'What? I don't know if I can promise that.'

'OK. You can come back for vacations or visits, but not to live, OK?'

'OK.'

by then, we wuz all laffin n he had to add mitt how we had turnt his sprize fer us into a sprize fer him.

twuz a moment ever bit as deelishus as that lagavulin 12 year!

medicull practices of buddy don: keep a clean nose

my good friend jgb over at geekman wuz a'tellin me bout feelin them cold symptums, so i couldnt resist a'tellin him bout sumthin miz bd discuverd fer us a cuple years ago, witch tiz a lil deevice name of a rhino horn. ye mite coulda herd bout it as a neti pot.

ifn ye foller them lanks, ye a'gone find out how tiz a cuntainer fer water n salt that ye fill up n pore thru yer nostrils n sinuses. furst time ye try it, ye git junk out that coulda been thar fer years.

but heres the best thang bout it: ever since we gut started a'usin it, we aint neethur one of us had no colds. tuther week i woke up with that feelin in my throat that generly means a cold is on its way, so i tuck that rhino horn n loaded it with a lil salt n warm water n even a lil zinc stuff they gut to hep fite off colds n infeckshuns n such. nex thang ye know, that feelin wuz gone n i dint git no cold.

i aint sayin i wont never git no colds agin, but so far, this is the best way of avoidin em i ever found. ye mite wonta try it yer ownself!

pinions of buddy don: how absoloot moralty becums relativ

one of the arguments i have red in letters to the editor n sum of the pundits is how them with moral values understands how thays a moralty that is not relativ, that is absoloot n never changin.

ye mite could thank yer bible wood fall under that category, but ifn ye have to judge minny of them with moral values by the biblicull injunkshun that 'by their fruits shall ye know them,' then ye gut to wunder whuther sum of them absoloots aint more relativ than not after all. tuther day, i writ a lil piece bout them ten commandments whar i tride to figger how they apply in this modern worl. it tuck more footnotes than commandments n i doubt if i coverd everthang.

so i gut to wunderin bout some of them other absoloots lack the prohibishun agin usury, witch thats lendin money fer intrest. tiz cundemned more times than homosexualty in the bible. ye kin read bout it in Exodus (22:25):

If thou lend money to any of my people that is poor by thee, thou shalt not be to him as an usurer, neither shalt thou lay upon him usury.

. . . in Leviticus (25:37):

Thou shalt not give him thy money upon usury, nor lend him thy victuals for increase

. . . in Deuteronomy (23:19):

Thou shalt not lend upon usury to thy brother; usury of money, usury of victuals, usury of any thing that is lent upon usury

. . . in Psalms (15:5):

He that putteth not out his money to usury, nor taketh reward against the innocent. He that doeth these things shall never be moved

. . . n thays this longer account of it in Ezekiel (18:4-9):

Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.

But if a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right,

And hath not eaten upon the mountains, neither hath lifted up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, neither hath defiled his neighbour's wife, neither hath come near to a menstruous woman,

And hath not oppressed any, but hath restored to the debtor his pledge, hath spoiled none by violence, hath given his bread to the hungry, and hath covered the naked with a garment;

He that hath not given forth upon usury, neither hath taken any increase, that hath withdrawn his hand from iniquity, hath executed true judgment between man and man,

Hath walked in my statutes, and hath kept my judgments, to deal truly; he is just, he shall surely live, saith the Lord GOD

we kin ignore sum of them other absoloots frum this quote that has dun gone over to the relativ side of thangs, yer eatin on the mountains, yer raisin yer eyes to the idols of israel, yer cummin near a menstruatin woman, yer not oppressin inny, yer spoilin nun by violence -- ye kin ignore all these on a counta aint nobidy trine to claim thays still absoloot. fack is, ye gut to:

• eat on moutains ever so often
• spoil thisn or thatn by violence (collateral damage is the modern term fer such spoilage)
• oppress folks now n then (fer thar own good)
• lie down with yer menstruatin wife ifn ye dont wont her to move out on ye

thang is, the church n christians in generul used to bleeve that twuz a sin to lend fer intrest n fer minny a centry they kept sum jews round the royal famblies of europe sos they could git a loan ever so often.

but times changed n twuz only natcherull how folks wood real eyes yer sin of usury had dun gone frum absolut to relativ moralty, movin frum bein a sin to bein a good way to make a livin. tiz progress fer yer usury! taint no abominayshun no more! taint even much of a sin!

ifn ye need proof, thays this story that cum out in the new york times tuther day, witch ye half to pay to read thar version, but ye kin read bout it in the ocala star banner whar they call it Seeking Quick Loans, Soldiers Race Into High-Interest Traps now thay aint no doubt bout how them with moral values wonts to support them troops, so ye know they woodnt sin agin em ifn twuz still a sin to lend em money fer intrest.

oh i almos fergut bout how they gut this lil sin moved frum absoloot to relativ moralty. they dun it manely by claimin that the absoloot sin of usury wuznt agin intrest but agin chargin too much. but tiz still a puzzle on a counta how, ifn ye read that aritcull bout lendin to our troops, ye git rates as hi as 650% per year.

aint it grate how when sum ole fashund absoloot moralty gits in the way, ye kin jes make it relativ -- n charge whutever the traffick will bear?

no doubt god his ownself looks upon this n add mires us fer how smart we kin be. shorely even he woodnt want no relijun with no absoloot values n moralty to git in the way or makin a livin offn our troops, wood he?

pinions of buddy don: amblin thru the preamble

thays this document that everbidy orta read a time or two. heres a bit of it, witch i speck ye kin spot whut tiz:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

lets make a lil bullet point list of whut our constitushun is spozed to do fer us:

• form a more perfect union
• establish Justice
• insure domestic Tranquility
• provide for the common defence
• promote the general Welfare
• secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourserves and our Posterity

i lack that lil list a lot, but here lately, seems lack we been livin by thisn insted:

• divide folks on the basis of wedge issues lack aborshun n stem cells n n gay rights
• insure domestick fear of possibull enemies lack terrists that mite attack n soshul securty that mite be able to pay only 80% of benefits sum day at least a few decades in the futchur (witch we kin perdict whuts a'gone happen in the futchur)
• provide fer the common defence agin enemies that dont ever attack while ignorin the enemy that did attack (saudi arabian terrists, members of saudi arabian osama bin laden's terrist network) n ignorin wurser enemies that attack everday:
  1. ignorance
  2. poverty
  3. disease
• promote the welfare of corporayshuns but the workfare of the people
• secure the blessings of liberty to those among us who are not gay, ex-felons, or black and impose our form of liberty on folks in cuntries lack iraq, whuther they wont it or not

i reckon everthang changes, mayhap fer the better? mayhap not.

pinions of buddy don: borryin trouble n payin too much interst

rumor has it that the soshul securty sky is fallin now on counta how tiz a'gone be a bit short by eethur 2042 (mr bush's soshul securty commishun) or 2052 (gao): ifn we dont do nuthin, twill only be able to pay about 80% of current benefits. to keep it fully solvent till the 22nd centry, twood take a whoppin 0.54% of the GDP, or roughly whut wood be paid in ifn thay wuznt no limit on when ye git to quit payin or less than we are payin to defend ourself agin osama bin laden n al qaeda over in iraq, witch at the moment ye git outta payin payroll taxes fer soshul securty on incum over $87,500.

tiz obvious we a'gone half to fix thisn, mayhap the way we dun with falluja: wipe it out so sumthin better kin be bilt.

but since we dont have no smart bombs to go after the most successful fedrul program ever, we a'gone half to git creative with our math: mayhap tiz whut is ment by fuzzy math? lets count up the savins!

1. now it costs us 1/10th as much to add minister as twood ifn the private program wuz run frum a central locayshun (lack the gummint) or 1/30th as much as twood cost to add minister ifn wall street firms gits to add minister the funds individually: addin in these costs will make it last longer, rite?
2. then ye gut the cost of payin the benefits to them folks thats dun retired while yer puttin the money that wood normally pay fer them into private accounts fer whenever they retire: say twood cost a trillion or two.
3. corse, ye gut to pay interst on the $1-$2 trillion

so lets add it all up:

1. gittin ss to last till end of century with no private accounts:
   
   cost = current costs + .54% of GDP + cost of add ministrayshun
   
   
2. gittin ss to last till end of centry with private accounts:
   
   cost = current costs + ($1-$2 trillion + interest on $1-$2 trillion) + (cost of add ministrayshun * 10 or 30, accordin to witch program is used)

now i aint no eggspurt on fuzzy math, but tiz purty clear that we cum out ahed a'usin the secunt method as long as the market keeps a'gone up bettern it has ever dun yet even ifn price to earnings ratios indicate thays gut to be a correckshun at sum point . . . sooner or later, wurser ifn tiz later.

here's my questchun: will we be allowd to opt outta the new fuzzy math program n keep thangs as they are fer now n still git our benefits?

that way, them that wonts to risk thar money in the stock market kin doot while those of us who member how the widespread losses in the stock market back in the 20s led to the deepreshun in the 30s that led to the soshul securty bein created in the furst place -- well, woodnt we be allowd to keep usin the program as is?

or wood we be forced into takin the freedum to invest in stocks?

pinions of buddy don: thars yer story, josephine

me n miz bd has this friend name of josephine, witch she wurks over at the new york times under her real name n i aint a'gone say whut tiz. innywho, whenever she furst gut the job, she wuz coverin foreign events n such, so she pitched em a idee bout a story on dagestan, witch twuz the center of a lotta fitin n terrists n such. she wuz told the story woodnt be no good on a counta, 'Nobody cares about the stans, Josephine,' witch that meant places lack dagestan, afghanistan, pakistan, woodbe kurdistan n such.

corse, turnt out folks wuz about to start givin lots of thought to them stans, furst as a pop quiz questchun that could fool mr bush befor he wuz presdint, then on a counta how them taliban wood take our $43 million in aid but not give up osama bin laden whenever he gut them folks frum saudi arabia to attack us on 9/11. suddenly everbidy keerd bout them stans.

bein the type that wont give up without a fite, josephine kep rite on suggestin stories bout them stans, even befor 9/11, thangs lack how sum them folks we made into freedum fiters under presdint raygun has turnt n gone over tuther side. meanwhile, ye had them taliban folk deestroyin statues n such, so whenever she wonted to talk bout them freedum fiters a'goin bad, she wuz told bout them statues. basickly whut that tole her wuz, 'thars yer story, josephine.'

fer me n miz bd, them statements has becum household classicks. dependin on the latest news, miz bd mite say, 'nobidy keers bout the stans, josephine.' but our favert is 'thars yer story, josephine.'

innywho, i wuz struck by how whenever that soljer frum tennessee stood up to ast mr rumsfeld why hadnt they been give a nuff armor fer thar vehiculls, mr rumsfeld sed twuznt a matter of money or lack of deesire to make shore our troops have whut they need, but twuz a matter of physicks.

bout as quick as i herd that, i sed, 'thars yer story, josephine' on a counta how i dint know befor that bout thar bein sumthin in physicks to keep ye frum bildin moren 400 of them trucks a munth. seems to me lack that sez lots bout physicks that i dint know befor n woodnt that be big news?

but thay wuznt hardly nuthin sed bout it in the news, not even in the new york times, so i figgerd mayhap twuz a simple matter: physicks wuz on the run n faith wuz on the march on a counta who needs physicks ifn ye gut faith to tell ye everthang ye need to know? could be that aint news to most folks n i wuz jes not payin proper tenchun.

but turnt out physicks wuznt a hole lot easier to beat than mr rumsfeld let on, witch i figgerd thatn out whenever i saw this here story in the boston globe name of Company says vehicle orders waiting for OK. turns out physicks kin be beat after all, but the pentagon hasnt made up thar mind how much they wonta test physicks. so they aint made no order.

but heres yer story, josephine. that thar cumpny claims thay kin beat up physicks to the tune of 550 vehiculls a munth! n they even claim ye could git more ifn sumbidy wood pay fer addishunal perduckshun lines! here's a cuple of thar claims bout how they could beat physics:

Army officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, acknowledged yesterday that they have not approved new purchase orders for armored trucks, despite the company's readiness to produce more. They said the Pentagon has been debating how many more armored Humvees are needed.

Rumsfeld, questioned by soldiers in Kuwait on Wednesday who said they have had to pick through landfills for scrap metal to boost vehicle protection, said the Army was working as quickly at it could to get armored Humvees to the front. It is "a matter of physics, not a matter of money," Rumsfeld said, adding that the Army was "breaking its neck." President Bush yesterday reiterated that "the concerns expressed are being addressed."

But executives at Armor Holdings in Jacksonville, Fla., as well as Army officials and members of Congress, said Rumsfeld's assertion that the protective equipment is being provided as quickly as possible is not true and added the company has been waiting for more purchase orders.

"We're prepared to build 50 to 100 vehicles more per month," Robert Mecredy, head of Armor Holdings' aerospace and defense unit, said in a statement. The company is producing about 450 armored Humvees per month, up from 50 in late 2003, when a sudden surge of attacks in Iraq exposed a lack of protective armor.
The company says that by February it could be producing as many as 550 fully armored Humvees per month -- with armor plates on the sides, front, rear, top, and bottom -- if given the go-ahead. The company estimated it would cost the military about $150 million a year to pay for the additional 100 vehicles per month.

The company said it also told the Army it could add new production lines and turn out even more vehicles.

More than half of the roughly 1,200 US soldiers who have died in Iraq have been killed by roadside bombs or in ambushes from rocket-propelled grenades. A lack of armor on thousands of older vehicles has been blamed for many of the deaths.

i reckun tiz a good thang taint physicks a'standin in the way, but that makes me kindly wunder bout a nuther thang: ifn taint physicks a'standin in the way, whut could it be?

thars yer story, josephine!

pinions of buddy don: have we dun give up the battle fer harts n minds?

back in december of 2003, i writ a lil articull name of ye caint win harts n minds with bullets. twuz my claim then n tiz my claim now that this here battle we been a'fitin over thar in iraq aint one ye win by killin the most nor by deestroyin the most cities n bildins n such. how kin it be ifn we really are serious bout settin up a demockrussy fer em since ifn we aint won thar harts n minds to our side, thay a'gone vote us out, ifn thar allowd to vote however they wont.

now cum this report frum the pentagon sayin how we dun give up inny hope fer winnin harts n minds. ifn ye dont wonta downlode the hole thang, ye kin read bout it in a cuple of articulls:

• 'They hate our policies, not our freedom'; Pentagon report contains major criticisms of administration.
• US admits the war for ‘hearts and minds’ in Iraq is now lost

corse, the story aint brand new. here's a articull bout a nuther pentagon report frum a year earlier: Troubling Report from the Pentagon

mayhap condi should read sum bullet points frum these here reports to mr bush on a counta he still thanks they hate us on a counta how we gut freedum n wonta give it to them, whuther they wont it or not. i caint put his wurds inny bettern he dun in that same articull:

Bush declared the Fallujah campaign a success, saying, "We have dealt the enemy a severe blow."

But he warned that troops will see more attacks and, without saying it explicitly, more losses as Iraq's Jan. 30 elections approach.

"The enemies of freedom in Iraq have been wounded, but they're not yet defeated," the president said. "We can expect further violence from the terrorists. ... The terrorists will do all they can to delay and disrupt free elections in Iraq. And they will fail."

Bush promised, as he has repeatedly over recent days, that the elections "will proceed as planned."

tiz good to know everthangs goin accordin to plan!

pinions of buddy don: ten commandments eggsplained in footnotes

i noticed tuther day how aint hardly nobidy that still bleeves in the ten commandments the way they wuz furst writ. i gut to studyin the matter n cum to real eyes how them commandments is ok fer starters, but to fit the modern day moral values of amurka, they need em a few footnotes, lease eight of em by my count. furst, fer them amung ye thats dun fergot em, here they be, frum exodus chaptur 20, versus 3-17:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.(1)
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.(2) Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.(3)
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.(4)
5. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
6. Thou shalt not kill.(5)
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou shalt not steal.(6)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.(7)
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.(8)

Notes:
(1) unless said other god happens to be:

• your country, in which case god shall step aside and let the country be acknowledged first, at least when it is being attacked by some other country or afraid that some other country might someday have the means, motive and opportunity to attack, thus suspending for all combatants any other commandments that might conflict with the needs of the country
• your company, which you will serve without question so long as you wish to have income from said company, especially if your company is under attack from government regulators, market forces, or competition from other companies, in which case god shall step aside and all other commandments that might conflict with the needs of your company will be suspended so long as your actions are taken in support of said company
• your fraternity, sorority, country club, investment club, chamber of commerce, elks, masons, or other exclusive organization that requires, for purposes of being accepted or maintaining membership in good standing, participation in actions that might be construed as being in conflict with one or more of the commandments; in such special circumstances, god shall step aside and some or all of the commandments shall be temporarily suspended so that loyalty to the precepts and principles of said fraternity, sorority, country club, investment club, chamber of commerce, elks, masons, or other exclusive organization may be obeyed and respected without concern about or pangs of conscience over any conflict with any commandment that would otherwise have been in effect
• your party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever so long as said party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever shall be shown to be in competition with any other party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever, under which special circumstances god shall step aside and all conflicting commandments shall be suspended so long as necessary to insure that your party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever can compete
• any other entity whose membership requirements might in any way be construed to be in conflict with the commandments listed above, in which case god shall step aside and all conflicting commandments shall be suspended so long as necessary to allow you to continue enjoying said other entity
• money or any other symbol of monetary value, be it stock, bond, option, copyright, patent, trademark, or any other entity, symbol, or thing that could be construed to have monetary value in any known or yet to be discovered universe

(2) unless said graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth should act as:

• logo, flag, symbol or representative of any entity described in footnote one
• image necessary to provide any form of entertainment, be it movie, television, magazine, poster, fine art painting, or any other likeness that could generate income or human interest
• family memento such as any photo, painting, water color, fingerpaint, or any other likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth so long as said photo, painting, water color, fingerpaint, or any other likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth be something the family, in whole or in part, enjoys, tolerates, or tapes onto a refrigerator
• anything else that is not any other graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth that anyone wants to use for any purpose whatsoever since the plain fact is that the world no longer needs or respects or has any plan whatsoever to honor this particular commandment

(3) note that since nobody actually knows god's name any longer, this commandment only applies if someone figures it out again; in other words, this one is a freebie

(4) unless the purpose of not honoring said sabbath day should involve one or more of the following activities:

• generating income or pursuing any other activity for any organization covered under footnote (1) above
• attending sports contests or watching them on tv
• doing any other thing under which this commandment might be construed as being applicable

(5) unless said killing is covered under one of the following excuses for killing anyway:

• collateral damage
• war
• execution(s) of individual(s) other humans have judged worthy of death

(6) unless said theft occurs on a very grand scale, such as gaming the energy grid to generate profits for your company (see footnote (1) above), robbing the pension funds of your company, union, or any other organization with funds you have been entrusted to protect, or otherwise participating in actions that reallocate the funds of those less worthy to your bank account and so long as said theft occurs on a grand scale worthy of enron -- just don't rob a liquor store or remove anyone's hubcaps!

(7) unless said bearing of false witness should prove useful in any of the following activities:

• invasion of another country in order to prevent them from using weapons of mass destructions, that is, to prevent them from collaborating with your enemies, rather, that is to bring them freedom and democracy, whether they want it or not
• persuasion of gullible individuals to make purchases of items they don't need
• sliming your political opponent, in which case any lie, falsehood, misinterpretation of anything he/she ever said, wrote, or did, or other form of bearing false witness shall lead to god stepping aside and said bearing of false witness allowed
• anything else that might, if successful, lead to the generation of profit, income, revenue or any other value in this and all other known universes and in any universe yet to be discovered

(8) unless said coveting leads to working harder to obtain more things and thus make the economy grow.

pinions of buddy don: a terrbull dream

whut a awful dream i had last nite! turnt out iran gut thar bomb made n tested n it jes so happend our hole army wuz all bogged down overn iraq. so we gut israel to go take out sum places in iran whar we thought them iranians had put them new dedly weppons. nex thang i know, i wuz readin a hedline name of worl war three. i woke up in a cold sweat. then i read bout how al qaeda, witch ye mite coulda read how thar dun 75% wiped out, how they dun attacked our consulate in jedda.

corse, ifn ye caint cuntrol them terrists in a dictatorship lack saudi arabia, whar kin ye cuntrol em? tiz a good thang they dun agreed to sit still fer us to attack em over thar n not cum over here to attack us no more! saves a lotta money we might coulda wasted on dee-fense. tiz a wunder ye kin git terrists to agree to keep the fite over thar, but that jes goes to show ye how them terrists aint nearly as smart as folks give em credit fer, witch i half to add mitt i am glad they stick to thar bargain!

pinions of buddy don: tiz payback time!

i wurk on wall street at one of the bigger firms. lack mos of em, our firm give bushel baskets of money to the bush camp pain, tho thay wuz plenty of individual bankers that give money to the kerry camp pain.

yesterdy one of my friends at wurk brung me a lil graph he had found showin the incum predickshuns fer our firm once they git to privatizin soshul securty.

tiz hard to git the math to wurk out (is this whut they mean by fuzzy math?) on a counta rite now, ye dont need to pay no wall street firm nuthin to git yer benefits.

also, since 1983, we dun been payin in more than it takes to pay the benefits. we wuz tricked into doon this by mr greenspan n mr raygun. the idee wuz that the exter money wood be put into sum kinda trust fund account sos twood be thar whenever the baby boomer retirees needed moren wuz bein paid in by the younger folks.

but that money wuznt put in no trust fund. twuz used to make the fedrul deficits look lowern thay really is. all we gut fer all that exter taxayshun wuz a bunch of i.o.u.s that the gummint seems to thank it caint pay off.

so they figger the problem kin be solved by borryin money (at 3%? 4%? 5%?) sos younger folk kin put it into the stock market fer a return (3%? 5%? 7%?) that will let thar money grow n still pay them broker fees (2%? 3%? 5%?).

so makin the hole program cost more is a'gone make it cost less n save it?

i add mitt how i caint understand thisn. back in college, my math professor tride to git me to major in math on a counta how he figgerd i had a grate mind fer it, but to me, twuz borin. mayhap ifn i hadda tuck his add vice, i wood understand how increasin a programs costs kin make it cheaper n more profitabull (fer the investor, not the wall street firm).

so them big banks lack mine is plannin on gittin thar payback fer givin to mr bushs camp pain. us lil ole folks will git reduced benefits. them lil young folks will git to pay exter to put thar money in stocks. aint that the anser? n our gummint kin borry a bunch of money n pertend lack it aint part of the budget, usin creative accountin lack enron showed us wurks so well.

corse, tiz a verr profitabull plan fer my firm n long as ima wurkin thar, i orta do purty good. but when i retire? ima gone git reduced benefits even tho i been a'payin in fer nigh onto 35 year.

mayhap they kin git mr frist to splain how ye kin count on the stock market to pay yer bills.

confushun of buddy don: is lying moral now?

i half to add mitt i am amung the folks in this cuntry that ye mite wonta call 'values challenged' on a counta how i dont understand when yer allowed to be immoral fer sum kinda moral reason.

kindly reminds me of them arguments back when the communists wuz threatenin to take over the worl. lots of folks who figgerd communism wuz ok wood argue that the abuses of totalitaryun states wuz the means necessary to acheeve a just society with a equitabull distribushun of the wealth. in them days, they argument wuz how 'the ends justifies the means.' twuz attacked by the good guys on our side, ritely so, since ifn yer means wuz evil, yer ends dint matter.

i musta been asleep whenever that line of argument wuz disproovd on a counta how tiz now ok to use immoralty to support moral ends. fer proof, i offer this articull frum the washington post name of Some Abstinence Programs Mislead Teens, Report Says.

everbidy knows folks orta not have sex till they git marrd. so thays a bunch of folks that wonts to keep unmarried kids frum knowin how to have safe sex on a counta that mite make em thank twuz ok to have sex befor a'gittin marrd. so the lucky thang is how our nex generayshun dont half to be burdend by understandin how condums really wurk or how safe aborshun is (or not) or how minny young gay folks really has aids.

good way to cunvints em not to try havin sex is to lie to em. witch i reckun the lie aint as importunt a sin as twuz back whenever it made the top ten fer moses on the ten commandments. now our grate moral leaders have figgerd how tiz wurser to have sex befor yer marrd than tiz to tell lies.

corse once ye make up yer mind tiz ok to lie fer one good reason, aint no reason not to lie fer two of em, witch everbidy knows how we gut to do sumthin to cunvints folks not to be commitin the murder of aborshun. heres a few of them lies they dun been a'tellin our younguns sos to keep em frum sin:

• A 43-day-old fetus is a "thinking person."
• HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be spread via sweat and tears
• Condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse
• One curriculum, called "Me, My World, My Future," teaches that women who have an abortion "are more prone to suicide" and that as many as 10 percent of them become sterile. This contradicts the 2001 edition of a standard obstetrics textbook that says fertility is not affected by elective abortion, the Waxman report said
• Abortion can lead to sterility and suicide
• Half the gay male teenagers in the United States have tested positive for the AIDS virus
• Touching a person's genitals "can result in pregnancy"

everone of them lies has dun been disproovd by the verr same gummint thats payin $170 millions of our tax dollars to tell em.

i had herd that thar wuz a moralty that wuz absolute, that dint change with time n fashun. i guess at lease one of them ten commandments dint proov out to be part of that absolute moralty.

taint no wunder how i caint understand moralty n values no more. mayhap sumbidy kin splain it to me? ye kin send me a email of leave a comment. i am verr confusd on thisn. thankee.

frustrayshun of buddy don: blogger ailments

i aint gonna spend too much time wurkin on today's post on a counta how blogger is havin troubles. tiz a sprize i gut in finely. ifn i wuz a'gone rite, i wood be ritin bout the insurgentsy in iraq n how whenever ye have a insurgentsy, ye gut to have a populayshun that supports em. ifn ye do, ever time ye attack them insurgents, ye git more. thays two skools of thought on thisn:

• conservatives bleeve thars a set number of bad guys n once ye git em, yer dun with the insurgentsy. tiz a good theory, but lack lots of theoreticull solushuns to reality-based problems, it dont wurk the way tiz splaind.
• tuther view is whut libruls tends to bleeve, witch no matter how minny insurgents ye kill, ye still gut more after the killin than ye did befor on a counta how folks aint all good or bad n kin be cunvintsed to swap sides. also, when a cuntry gits invaded, whuther the reasons wuz goodns or not, thays a bunch of local folks that bleeves tiz thar duty to force the invaders to git out n they are willin to put thar lives on the line fer it.

befor blogger crashes, heres a articull bout one insurgent frum the frunt page of the washington post name of After Fallujah, Son Is Gone but Fervor Remains; Father Who Left Reluctantly Waits to Fight Another Day bout one of them insurgents who bleeves hes doon gods will by defendin his cuntry agin the invaders. tiz a chillin read. ifn yer still avoidin reports frum the reality-based folks, then dont read it!