pinions of buddy don: thars yer story, josephine

me n miz bd has this friend name of josephine, witch she wurks over at the new york times under her real name n i aint a'gone say whut tiz. innywho, whenever she furst gut the job, she wuz coverin foreign events n such, so she pitched em a idee bout a story on dagestan, witch twuz the center of a lotta fitin n terrists n such. she wuz told the story woodnt be no good on a counta, 'Nobody cares about the stans, Josephine,' witch that meant places lack dagestan, afghanistan, pakistan, woodbe kurdistan n such.

corse, turnt out folks wuz about to start givin lots of thought to them stans, furst as a pop quiz questchun that could fool mr bush befor he wuz presdint, then on a counta how them taliban wood take our $43 million in aid but not give up osama bin laden whenever he gut them folks frum saudi arabia to attack us on 9/11. suddenly everbidy keerd bout them stans.

bein the type that wont give up without a fite, josephine kep rite on suggestin stories bout them stans, even befor 9/11, thangs lack how sum them folks we made into freedum fiters under presdint raygun has turnt n gone over tuther side. meanwhile, ye had them taliban folk deestroyin statues n such, so whenever she wonted to talk bout them freedum fiters a'goin bad, she wuz told bout them statues. basickly whut that tole her wuz, 'thars yer story, josephine.'

fer me n miz bd, them statements has becum household classicks. dependin on the latest news, miz bd mite say, 'nobidy keers bout the stans, josephine.' but our favert is 'thars yer story, josephine.'

innywho, i wuz struck by how whenever that soljer frum tennessee stood up to ast mr rumsfeld why hadnt they been give a nuff armor fer thar vehiculls, mr rumsfeld sed twuznt a matter of money or lack of deesire to make shore our troops have whut they need, but twuz a matter of physicks.

bout as quick as i herd that, i sed, 'thars yer story, josephine' on a counta how i dint know befor that bout thar bein sumthin in physicks to keep ye frum bildin moren 400 of them trucks a munth. seems to me lack that sez lots bout physicks that i dint know befor n woodnt that be big news?

but thay wuznt hardly nuthin sed bout it in the news, not even in the new york times, so i figgerd mayhap twuz a simple matter: physicks wuz on the run n faith wuz on the march on a counta who needs physicks ifn ye gut faith to tell ye everthang ye need to know? could be that aint news to most folks n i wuz jes not payin proper tenchun.

but turnt out physicks wuznt a hole lot easier to beat than mr rumsfeld let on, witch i figgerd thatn out whenever i saw this here story in the boston globe name of Company says vehicle orders waiting for OK. turns out physicks kin be beat after all, but the pentagon hasnt made up thar mind how much they wonta test physicks. so they aint made no order.

but heres yer story, josephine. that thar cumpny claims thay kin beat up physicks to the tune of 550 vehiculls a munth! n they even claim ye could git more ifn sumbidy wood pay fer addishunal perduckshun lines! here's a cuple of thar claims bout how they could beat physics:

Army officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, acknowledged yesterday that they have not approved new purchase orders for armored trucks, despite the company's readiness to produce more. They said the Pentagon has been debating how many more armored Humvees are needed.

Rumsfeld, questioned by soldiers in Kuwait on Wednesday who said they have had to pick through landfills for scrap metal to boost vehicle protection, said the Army was working as quickly at it could to get armored Humvees to the front. It is "a matter of physics, not a matter of money," Rumsfeld said, adding that the Army was "breaking its neck." President Bush yesterday reiterated that "the concerns expressed are being addressed."

But executives at Armor Holdings in Jacksonville, Fla., as well as Army officials and members of Congress, said Rumsfeld's assertion that the protective equipment is being provided as quickly as possible is not true and added the company has been waiting for more purchase orders.

"We're prepared to build 50 to 100 vehicles more per month," Robert Mecredy, head of Armor Holdings' aerospace and defense unit, said in a statement. The company is producing about 450 armored Humvees per month, up from 50 in late 2003, when a sudden surge of attacks in Iraq exposed a lack of protective armor.
The company says that by February it could be producing as many as 550 fully armored Humvees per month -- with armor plates on the sides, front, rear, top, and bottom -- if given the go-ahead. The company estimated it would cost the military about $150 million a year to pay for the additional 100 vehicles per month.

The company said it also told the Army it could add new production lines and turn out even more vehicles.

More than half of the roughly 1,200 US soldiers who have died in Iraq have been killed by roadside bombs or in ambushes from rocket-propelled grenades. A lack of armor on thousands of older vehicles has been blamed for many of the deaths.

i reckun tiz a good thang taint physicks a'standin in the way, but that makes me kindly wunder bout a nuther thang: ifn taint physicks a'standin in the way, whut could it be?

thars yer story, josephine!