wandering hillbilly

life of buddy don, chaptur 80:
sex

one of the mos important ways way two humans gits along has to do with sex. tiz also a topick that aint polite to mentchun out loud cepten with them yer dun havin sex with. one result of this is hardly nobidy larns how to do it rite before they make a mess of it with sumbidy.

we have this idee that two folks will know by the romantick feelins they git who they oughta marry, only this idee is purty new in the hole histry of the human race. in mos times in histry, marrgs wuz arranged thangs whar older folks who new better whut it means to yer fine ants to be marrd wood pick out the rite match, often as not based on how the alinement wood affeck the fambly fortchun. tiz easy frum whar we sit to make fun of thatn, but after ye dun been round the romants n marrg block a time or two, ye git to whar ye kin see the value in havin sumbidy else pick out yer marrg partner in a way that makes shore nobidys a'gone go hungy.

corse that razes the questchun bout how is them folks spozed to be in luv ifn they aint the ones to pick out thar partners, but luv warnt the mane purpose. besides that, luv seems lack it brakes up as minny marrgs as it makes on a counta whut ye gone do ifn yer dun marrd n the fire goes out, lack loretta n conway used to say, leevin nuthin cold as ashes behind? n whuts the plan when tham romantickal feelins gits underway fer the rong persun, the wife or husbin of sum bidy else or jes a man or woman ye aint marrd to? ifn its romants that ye use in figgern out who ye oughta be with, then whut happens when yer romants gits ye off on a nuthern?

but thats jes the half of the problem on a counta this here chapturs bout sex, witch thats one of them topicks that ye cant hardly discuss even tho everbidys fascinated bout it. thang is, everbidy acks lack ye jes gonna know whut to do whenever the time cums. aint nobidy gonna tell ye how tiz spozed to go, lease not in the cultchur i wuz razed in.

fer one thang, twuz only one conversayshun i ever had with eether mama or daddy that wuz diereckly bout sex, n even then thar wuz other thangs thrown in. far as daddy wuz concerned, twuz sumthin ye jes dont mentchun. as he wood put it bout sartin thangs, 'it jes aint dun, son.'

he did let us know thay wuz thangs ye wuz never spozed to do ifn ye wonted to avoid bein called the worse thang thar wuz in his mind, witch that wood be ifn ye wuz called a sissy. ifn ye wuz too wurried bout how ye look, then ye wuz becomin a sissy. ifn ye wonted to give hugs to everbidy, ye wuz probly a sissy, speshly ifn ye give hugs to a nuther man. ye woodnt never tell no man, not even yer own daddy, that ye luved him. that wood make ye a sissy. n of corse, ye wood never 'play with yerself,' on a counta that wuz the last step on the rode to becumin a sissy.

bein the oldest, i bleeved everthang daddy tole me till i gut to the point whar i dint bleeve nuthin he sed, witch thats whar this hole life n pinions of buddy don starts out, with me leavin out of my home on a counta i dint bleeve the thangs my daddy sed no more. twuznt that everthang he sed wuz rong, but it shore seemed thataway fer a few years.

mama ackshly did discuss sex with me one time n with bof me n eli one time. furst time she splained innythang bout it wuz durin a drive frum knoxvull back to oak ridge. i dont member whar we had been, but she tuck it into her mind to splain the facks of life to us. seem lack she gut it splained jes as we topped the ole solway bridge. as i recolleck it, she led us to thank that sum kinda way the lil boys ding dong, witch she always called it a ding dong or jes a dinger, sum kinda way the lil boys ding dong wuz spozed to put sumthin in whar the lil gurls pee pee cums out.

it sounded awful n furst thang eli sed wuz how he wuz exter grateful fer havin life atall since bof mama n daddy had to go thru that awful painful ack. mama laffed n sed when two folks wuz in luv, twuznt awful or painful but twuz the mos beeyootiful thang ye could eggsperients. dint neethur one of us bleeve it n we bof figgerd thay wuznt no way we wood be havin sex ever. we had dun seen how tiny the place wuz on roena may whar he pee pee cum out, n we dint wonta thank bout whut twood take to git our ding dongs in such a tite place.

we musta been in thurd n forth grade whenever mama splained all this to us but we dint thank much bout it. we figgerd twuz one of them thangs lack goin to collidge or fitin in a war or bein judged wurthy of hell fire -- ye wood jes half to face it whenever the time cum n do yer bes with it.

but that wernt all mama tole me bout sex. fer sum reason, whenever i wuz bout to go frum the sixth grade into middle skool, she tuck it into her mind to splain three thangs all at once: sex, drugs n colored peeple. i dont know to this day whut triggerd that talk, but i knew in a instunt that twuz importunt on a counta how she turnt off the tee vee n tole tuther kids to leeve us alone sos we could talk.

i ast rite away whut i had dun n wuz daddy a'gone whup me agin, but she sed twernt nuthin lack that atall. she wonted to splain sum of the facks of life to me, n i figgerd twood be bout the mystery of the fat ding dong n the skinny place whar the pee pee cums out on a gurl. to save us the truble, i reminded her bout how she had dun splained thatn n how neethur one of us, eli or me, had inny noshun of ever doin it lessn we gut marrd to a wife that jes insisted on havin children.

she gut to laffin n sed twernt whut she had to say. she wonted to warn me bout three of lifes big temptayshuns, witch they wuz sex, drugs n colored peeple. she had em kindly all three lanked together in her mind n seemed lack she wood half to splain em thataway. so she started with the las topick n wurked her way back to the furstn.

furst, thars them wurds, 'colored' n 'peeple,' to discuss. as ye mite dun alreddy know, we americans dun been thru a passel of wurds to call folks that wuz deesended frum them that wuz brung here frum africa to be slaves. when i wuz young, twuz considderd polite to call such folks 'negro.' 'nigger' wuz not allowed in our house n wuznt cunsidderd correck fer nobidy to use far as my folk wuz concernd. 'colored' wuz allowed but 'negro' wuz real proper n 'colored' wuz ok but only among white folk. then thangs changed n twuz considderd proper to use 'black' n 'colored' joined 'nigger' as wurds ye wuznt spozed to use. as ye know, thangs kep a'changin n these days tiz cunsidderd proper to use the wurds 'african american' or even 'afro-american.' odd thang is, lots of black folk use this term 'peeple of color', witch seems lack thatns right on the edge of bein the same as 'colored peeple.' n corse, lots of folks still uses the wurd 'black,' n thats kindly whar im stuck, witch ima gone splain more bout that in later chapturs.

innywho, mamas talk dint have nuthin to do with whut ye call black folk. in sted, twuz to splain how twuz thar prefernts to be among thar own kind. they dint wonta intermangle amung white folk. dint wonta go to skool with us or to the same churches or live in the same nayborhoods with us n mos of all dint wonta git marrd to us. twuz a simple matter of how they lack to be among thar own, same as white folk, or so she splained it.

i had no idee why she wood be splainin thisn to me. i hadnt never seen too minny black folk. whut i dint know wuz how that wuz a gonna change once i gut to the seventh grade on a counta how in oak ridge all the black folk stayed over in the valley n ye dint cum into diereck contact with em till ye gut to middle skool. thang wuz, in them daze, i couldnt ackshly see black folk fer folk verr well. twood be minny a year before i wuz able n fack is, i dint have no noshun of trine to go to thar nayborhoods or do much of innythang with em cept maybe play sports. thay wuznt no way fer me to see how inny black gurl could be purty. i had dun been trained not to be able to see that, tho the trainin woodnt lass my hole life. but i promissed i woodnt never git involved with nun of em.

innywho, frum colored peeple we went strate to drugs, n thar wuz a tale that i could hardly bleeve. up till then i hadnt herd much bout drugs ceptn maybe heroin in a tee vee show or sumthin. the way mama splained it, drugs wuz all the same, jes lack heroin, n ifn ye try em one time, ye wood be addickted fer life. wurser than that, thay wuz these folk they call pushers who wonted to git as minny folk addickted as possibull. thang is, they wood do mos innythang to git a new addick, teven puttin dope on candy n givin it to lil babies to git them addickted. i ast mama how wood the babys mama know twuz a drug the baby needed, but she tole me to hush my smart mouth. long story short, i wuz not to try no drugs, no how, no way, lessn i wonted to end up a addick dyin in a tiny dirty room in sum cold city up north, n fack is, i dint wont nun of that n i promissed i woodnt never try no drugs.

n thurd thang wuz sex, witch she splained thay wuz a'gone be 'gurls in short skirts' that wuz a'gone cum along n try to cunvints me to have sex with em. i cummenced to splainin how thar wuz no way my ding dong wuz a'gone to fit in no -- but she slapped my face n sed i wuz to listn n not talk, so i shut up. she splained how sex wuz to be resurved fer marrg n that ifn ye had it befor marrg or even after marrg with the rong persun, twood cheapen it fer life. she ast me did i unnerstand? n when i thought twuz safe to talk, i splained how i wuznt never a'gone git marrd on a counta thay wuznt no way my ding dong wood ever fit in no -- but she slapped my face a secunt time n sed i dint know whut i wuz talkin bout n that i needed to pay tentchun. so she tuck off a thurd time n splained how the bidy is a temple n a person had to keep it pure n rightchus. ye dint wonta desecrate it by jes lettin in innybidy. mos of all, ifn ye save sex fer the one ye marr, ye git a better marrg n better sex too. she ast me did i unnerstand n i started splainin how my ding dong wuznt a'gone fit -- so she slapped me the thurd time n sent me to bed without dinner.

thang is, mos everthang she tole me bout sex mite could be true only the real thang i needed to larn wuz how ye go bout gittin yer ding dong to fit in that tiny place whar a gurls pee pee cums out. or mayhap twood be better to say that tiz odd that we git instruckshun in such detail bout how ye do thangs that ye dont hardly ever need to do, lack find the circumfernts of a circle, but ye dont git no instruckshun bout sumthin ye mite be hopin to do everday of yer life, witch that wood be how ye git yer ding dong etc.

twuz a shame how my ignernts on this topick led to such suffern. fack is, darlene n me could figger out how to git the ding dong in thar, but whut we cum up with wuznt the bes of all possibull thangs we coulda larnt on the topick. we had all these idees n noshuns frum whar folks had hinted that ifn ye had a good marrg ye dun it ever nite n how honeymoons wuz so hot n how marrd folks wuz hot to doot all the time n a millyun other lil hints but no specifick instruckshuns.

so darlene n me, bein the kind that masters the grade game n has to eggcell in everthang we dun, we tuck to doin it ever nite frum the day we wuz marrd. durin the honeymoon, we wuz doin it four or five times a day till thar cum a smell that seemed lack tuna n we couldnt figger whuther twuz a'comin frum her or frum me or mayhap frum the tent we wuz a usin on a counta we spent the furst few days of our vacayshun in yosemite nashunul park. lucky fer us thay wuz a woman thar who knew whut the smell ment so she splained it to darlene n splained how she wood half to wash 'down thar' n all.

but that dint solve the problem of sex. we kep rite on a'havin it ever nite but it gut so twuz as much lack a job as innythang. we dint know that folks wood slack off n git down to havin it ever other nite or even jes three times a week or even lessn that. we figgerd twuz add mittin a weekness to have it lessn ever nite.

whut that ment most of all wuz how darlene had this infeckshun almos frum the time we gut back frum yosemite. wurse, even tho she claimed she wuz satisfide with sex, she wuznt havin no orgasums n twernt till two years into the marrg that we figgerd thatn out n even then twuz almos a acksident that we dun it. way it happend wuz we wuz drankin one evenin n we gut to doon it only i had gut in the habit of kissin her 'down thar' till she wuznt dry no more on a counta sumtimes twuz hard fer her to git lubricated fer reasons we wood bof unnerstand once twuz too late fer our marrg. innywho, it gut to a point we had reached before whar she wuz astin me to stop n claimin how twuz too much fer her to stan, but i wuz a lil drunk n had her fanny in my hands n jes woodnt let go till it happened finely. twuz the furst orgasum she had ever had n once she had dun had it, thangs changed fer the better, but she still had them infeckshuns n it gut so sex wuz nuthin but painful fer bofus, at lease now n then.

thang is, whenever i thank back on the sex we had, all i kin member is how twuz such a painful thang fer her, eethur durin or after if not bof. n ifn i hadda known jes a lil more bout sex befor we gut marrd, mayhap thangs wooda been differnt, lease as far as sex is cuncernd.

twuz durin my life in the jungle that i started larnin sum thangs bout sex, mos of em obveeus thangs lack how to know when a woman is reddy. problem fer darlene is she thought she wuz reddy her ownself even when she wuznt n that led to her havin them infeckshuns.

as i dun mentchunned, as much as i had larnt bout sex in the jungle, mainly that it aint wurth much ifn ye dont care fer yer partner lack ye wood lack to give yer life to, i larnt a lot more bout sex frum susannah.

but dint nuthin prepar me fer emily n all i wood larn frum her. n thang is, fer mos of the furst two munths of our relayshunship, we dint even touch, not even to hole hands. n then whenever we gut to touchin, we still couldnt do much on a counta she dint have no birth cuntrol n dint wont me to use no cundums. so twuz a long slow seduckshun, witch we talked bout sex as much as innythang durin that hole time.

heres sum the thangs i larnt frum her. fer one, she dint have no good orgasum her ownself till laura bishop gut her to masturbait even tho she had dun had a relayshunshp with a fella name of dwight thar in looseburg n she had orgasums but thay wuz painful on a counta how he dint know how to git her reddy. i musta blushed eleventy times whenever she sed that, witch she sed it a lot. corse, i wuz blushin bout how i had been jes as ignernt as dwight only twuz with darlene. fer anuther, she sed she dint unnerstan how she could have a hole bunch of orgasums, one rite after tuthern, but that wuz sumthin she had to larn frum her relayshunship with laura bishop on a counta sex with a man has one tale, witch it ends with the man gittin his satisfackshun n turnin over to go sleep, but sex with a woman has a nuther tale, witch tiz more lack eatin a big meal with servrul fine corses n kin go on fer as long as ye lack on a counta ye dont git full. the thurd thang i had to take on faith but tiz probly gut sum truth toot. she sed she bleeved everbidy wuz both strate n gay but that sum folks woodnt add mitt it. i cant say on a counta how i dont have no desire fer no man.

innywho, the long slow seduckshun of emily dickinsen smith taught me lots more bout sex n deesire. by time we finely dun the deed, we knew a lot bout each other n had talked a lot bout sex. all that talk wuz a real educayshun, witch i wished we had the habit of makin shore young folk everwhar gits it. twood save lots of marrgs n wood hep young ladies avoid lots of pain.

but it aint a'gonna happen. n why not? on a counta, lack my daddy dun sed, 'it jes aint dun, son.'