Saturday, April 30, 2005

life of buddy don, chaptur 135: crackin the wall twixt black n white

by the time the fall quarter of 1982 wuz a'gittin off to a start, i kindly figgerd i had made a purty good compromise twixt the deemands of the real worl n them of my ambishun to becum a grate riter. i had mos everthang fit into cumpartments, lease in my mind.

fer wurk, i wuz teachin in collidge, witch seem lack twuz a job i wuz born fer. i wuz teachin a total of four classes:
  1. composishun 1010 at utk on tuesdys n thursdys frum 8 am till 9:30
  2. composishun 101 at kc on mundys windsdys n fridys frum 1 to 2 pm
  3. composishun 102 at kc on mundys windsdys n fridys frum 8 to 9 am
  4. fundamentals of grammar 1 at kc on mundys windsdys n fridys frum 2 to 3 pm
teachin four classes give ye credit fer full time in them days even tho i only had to spend frum 8 till 9:30 on tuesdys n thursdys fer the comp 1010 class at ut. i wuz gittin reglar pay fer teachin that one class. twernt much, but it hepped. them three classes at kc wood earn us a big check cum januwairy or whenever twuz paid. emily dint lack us havin to wait so long fer pay but once i tole her that i figgerd twuz the best way to keep us frum spendin, she quit bellyachin about it.

that give me plenty of spare time fer ritin, witch i figgerd twuz time to rite sumthin truly wurthy. i had been thankin bout a novel twixt a father n a son set up on the obed river since befor we moved to west germany so twuz time to git on with it. i tride n tride, but the more time i give it, the wurser it went. i couldnt satisfy myself no how n wood rite a few pages n throw em out n write a few more n git disgusted. or i wood git a idee whenever i wuz walkin round campus at ut n jes sit rite down n reel off a few good pages. but twernt no way to wurk.

partly twuz how the group wuz changin. going to group had always been a fun thang to do on a fridy nite, but now that bof me n bud wuz a'wurkin on novels thay wuznt as much new innerestin stuff bein red. i wuz trine to use sum stream of conshussness stuff n thats hard to listen to. twernt meant to be a fast movin story n thays limitayshuns in ritin sumthin yer a'gone read the verr nex week. bud wuz smartern me bout that on a counta how he woodnt read nun of hisn till twuz dun, witch that meant he dint never read nuthin new atall.

but the group warnt the only thang a'keepin me frum ritin that novel. seem lack thays a limit to how much i kin use my creativ energy on. fer instunts, whenever i wuz ritin songs, i wuznt ritin nuthin but my diary but whenever i wuz ritin crap notes, i dint hardly touch the peeano. seem lack ifn i dun the one thang in a day, i dint hanker to do tuthern. so twernt how the group wuz a'goin that kep me frum ritin.

twuz how i wuz gittin so minny idees frum my students n larnin so much bout whut everbidy calld 'the black communty' to whar i couldnt hardly thank bout no obed river n such. my mind wuz too stuffed with other idees that cum frum my wurk. fer one thang, i needed to member the names of all my students n twuz a bit of a sprize whenever i tride it how easy twuz. that made me notice sumthin i hadnt never noticed before, witch thays a lot more differntses in how black folks looks than thay is in white folks. i had kindly always bleeved whut i wuz tole, witch folks generly claimed how all black folks looks alike. ye mite could thank i wooda noticed how that warnt true, but i hadnt.

that set me to pondern why twood be so n heres how i figger it. blackness is lack sum kinda uniform fer mos white folks. ye take yer pleecemen fer instunts, ifn ye dont know nun then ye aint lackly to look to close at inny one ye mite pass. ye know ye dont know no pleecemen so ye dont half to check him by lookin close lessen ye need a pleeceman. it seemed to me lack blackness wuz jes lack that pleecemans uniform. ifn ye dont know too minny black folk then ifn ye see a black person, ye aint a'gone look too close on a counta taint lackly to be sumbidy ye wood know.

but that all changed on a counta how i had that grammer class. i thank i dun menchuned how i dint know whuther i could teech grammer on a counta i dint know ifn i knew it. so i figgerd i wood larn along with everbidy only lease one day in add vants. we wuz a'usin a book name of Fundamentals of Grammar, witch it twernt nuthin but a book of sentences ye could study innerspursed with sum splainayshuns of whut part of speech wuz bein taught. furst ye had to larn to spot the verb n draw a circull round it n then find the subjeck n underline it twicet. that thar book had em a way to handle ever part of speech n purty soon ye wood be able to splain the grammer of mos inny sentence.

so i deecided i wood teach it thisaway. i give em homewurk to do three pages of that thar book, witch that wood be 30 sentences n then we wood go over em in class. then i wood randomly call on folks to have em do them sentences. at furst twuznt wurkin so well on a counta i dint know but a handfull of names. i wood wurk frum my class register book, but twernt the same. ye gut to know yer students names. ye gut to look em in the eye sos to tell whuther they dun thar homewurk.

so that gut me to lookin close n noticin ever skin color frum 'blue black' to purt near white. ye wood see ever mixtcher of skin color n hair thickness n fayshul featchers ye could magine. i member the furst day a cuple gurls that wuz sittin in the back gut into a lil fuss n fite over sumthin n one of em sed, 'shore im black but i aint gut no nigger lips.' i wuz shocked but dint nobidy else seem to notice. (jes lack on the block, that wurd nigger wuz used by near ever student i had at kc. twuz used as common as ye mite use the wurd 'guy' or 'pal' or 'person.' i wuz tole minny a time twuz a wurd with a differnt meanin in a white mouth. i dont doubt it.)

at furst, that grammar class wuz hard to teach. i dint know my students n wuz readin frum the register or callin on whoever had thar hands up, witch twood be the same two or three mos times. but once i gut to know thar names, once i gut to whar i could 'see' black folk, the worl changed. whar once i saw a mask, often sumthin that seemed lack twuz made of wood, now i saw jes plane folks with all the eggspresshuns folks has gut.

not that i dint git fooled a time or two. i member a student in comp 102 name of garry williams frum gary indiana (witch i used that coincidents to member his name at furst). seem lack he wuz arrogant n so angry twuz all he could do to keep frum eggsplodin or laffin at me. furst time i noticed it, twuz a lil unneverin. thar he wood sit, way back in his seat but jes glarin at me. corse, i pertended lack i dint notice it n kep teachin.

corse, i had em rite in class essays n i lacked to wander roun n hep em ifn they had questchuns. i wuz always sayin that ye dint need to know everthang yerself since taint possibull, but ye need to know whar to find the thangs ye need to know. yer dickshunairy, fer instunts, or yer harbrace handbook or the liberry. but the bes place to find whut ye need is in other people, witch thats why ye pay to go to a collidge. so i tole em to use me when they dint know whut to do. corse i wood be keepin em ritin n not lettin em daydream n ifn they hadnt writ nuthin, we wood talk bout how to git started, that kinda thang.

as i walked aroun, i had a habit of puttin my hand litely on the students lef shoulder whenever i wuz takin a look at thar paper. i never give it no thought, but garry shore noticed it. whenever we had our student confernts, he cum down to my offus n sat in the chair n woodnt even look at me in the eye. we talked fer a bit bout his ritin n whut he needed to wurk on n how he wuz doon in the class. wheneever we wuz dun he stood up n then he looked me rite in the eye. 'i never had no teacher like you, mr d. you like you really wanna make us learn.' i thanked im n prazed him fer his deesire to larn but he innerupted n sed, 'you dont understand, mr d. i aint never let no white man touch me befor.' he cum a lil closer, still a'lookin me rite in the eye. twuz that same angry glare. i kindly wunderd whut he wuz a gone do n probly flinched a lil whenever he stuck out his hand n sed, 'you all rite, mr d.' twuz one of them moments.

then thay wuz the musick. thay had em a choir with a choir die recktor name of esther james, witch she looked lack a white woman with a lil tan but she wuz black. innywho, early in the fall quarter they had em a concert over at ut put on by the black cultchurull center so i figgerd i wood go. i wuz sittin by the center aisle fer the show, witch twuz a musickull vershun of the histry of black folk in amurka. twuz all innerwove together n ackted out, with one of my students name of denise meyers a'wakin up on the shore of amurka. she wuz a verr purty gurl, verr lite skinnd with almond eyes. as she wuz a'lookin roun her lack she wuz trine to figger out whar she wuz, ye could hear the choir hummin. then frum behin me i herd the mos beeyootifull voice ye ever herd a'sangin, 'sometimes i feel lack a motherless child.' it give me chills. i turnt to see who twuz n saw a ole woman with gray hair but whenever she pull even with me she looked at me n winked. i seen then how twuz dolores g miller dressed lack a ole lady. i wood cum to find out that more than half my students were in the choir. sides that, the way esther james dun the choir, ever concert wuz a show. i couldnt hep but git idees.

whenever i say idees, i mean idees bout mayhap ritin a play or sumthin. i dun mentchuned how we had classes in the colston center fer the performin arts n all. ifn yer a'gone have performin arts, ye gut to have a place to perform, so turnt out thay wuz a theeater with a prosenium arch n curtains n seatin fer 1,100. i wuz in awe furst time i went thar, witch that wood be fer 'cuntemp,' witch thats whut all the students called a program name of 'cuntemporary issues.' furst quarter i wuz thar, i dint know nuthin bout it on a counta tiz a gatehrin of everbidy on campus in that theeater fer shows of all kinds. the presdent wood splain this n that bout skool rules n such. the choir wood perform, witch ifn i had been a'goin to cuntemp all along, i wooda dun knowd bout my students bein in the choir.

so plane fack wuz, i wuznt gittin much ritin dun. my mind wuz too full of other thangs. part of that wuz how i wuz a'trine to live in two worls at once. me n johnny mayhew n sumtimes bud rankin wood wurk out over at ut ever tuesdy, thursdy n saturdy. me n billy stewart wood play racket ball once a week. we had cards bout once a week n group once a week n the farm n fambly wood call on me fer gatherns to whar seem lack i dint hardly have no time to do no ritin.

corse that warnt cumpletely true. fack wuz, i had that 8 oclock class n nuthin else till 1 in the afternoon. dint nobidy know me on the yard at kc n dint nobidy cum by my offus. ye mite could thank i wooda writ durin that time, but i dint. eethur i wood grade papers or read the bible. odd thang wuz, whenever i red that bible, i wood feel gilty. i wuz thankin i should rite n ever time i wood spend a cuple hours readin, i wood figger i had tuck the easy way out. but i couldnt stop till i had dun read it cover to cover.

twuz my secunt time n turnt out to be one of the bes thangs i dun fer myself, ifn i did feel lack i wuz shirkin my duty at the time. even ifn ye ignore the relijus meanin of the bible, even ifn ye thank yer a atheist, ye still need to read the bible. i had been knowin ferever how the bible wuz a mane lens fer my way of seein the worl, a mane part of the white hillbilly cultchur i grew up in. i knew frum daddy a'leckchurn us bout it how twuz part of the 'jewdayo christchun tradishun' or the 'westurn intelleckchewall tradishun.' so i had dun been a'knowin how twuz importunt. but whut i never knew befor i went to wurk at kc wuz how relijus black folks is.

thar wuz prayer at ever cuntemp n dint nobidy never cumplain. the choir sung gospel songs ever cuntemp. the students went to church. i could barely bleeve it on a counta dint hardly nobidy i knew go to church. dint matter whut they bleeved, they still dint go to church. but at kc everbidy dun it. not only that, but them students knew parts of thar bible verr well. i had known thar wuz sum identificayshun with the children of israel escapin bondage, but i hadnt never seen how that wuz a livin breathin part of everday life. my readin the bible rite then n bein able to talk bout them stories turnt out to hep me git my students attenchun. ifn i gut to talkin bout moses or jacob or david n bathsheba or jesus in the garden of gethsemuny, everbidy new whut twuz about.

thay wuz minny a differnts twixt them two worls, the 'white world' n the 'black communty.' i wood walk back n forth twixt em a few times each week. twernt but a twenty mint walk, but ye mite coulda been goin to a nuther cuntry. i bent yer eye a nuff on that so far, but lemme give ye one last eggzample. them questchunairs i handed out.

i give the same forms to all four of them classes. fer the mos part ye gut the standurd stuff on a counta twuz name n birthplace n birthday n all. but on a few questchuns, the differntses twixt whut them kids at utk writ n whut them at kc writ wuz stark. as it happend, ever student i had at utk that fall wuz white n ever student i had at kc wuz black. that dint always happen, but twuz so that quarter.

thay wuz one questchun that stood out fer me, witch i ast em who is yer hero? heres the top three heroes fer composishun 1010 at ut n fer that grammar class at kc, bofem pure freshmun (my otherns at kc warnt):
  1. Superman
  2. Bugs Bunny
  3. James Bond
  1. Martin Luther King
  2. Jesus Christ
  3. Malcolm X
thay wuz sum other innerestin ansers. at ut we had wonder woman n kwai chang caine n luke skywalkker n such. at kc thay wuz maya angelou n sojourner truth n frederick douglass n booker t washington n george washington carver n one othern i dint recognize: alice walker. twuz on the paper of a gurl name of cassandra wurthy. i member whenever i furst gut them papers back n saw that. i went out n gut the color purple, witch it hadnt been out long. i red it in one nite. ye mite could say i wuz impressd. nex class, i took a look at cassandra. she sat in the back, kep her hed down. she wuz dark skinned with long limbs n braided hair. her voice wuz deep n she seemed well spoken, but she never volunteerd to go over a sentence. she could do the wurk ifn i calld on her, but she seemed to resent it. she seemed to have talent tho, so i tride to reach out to her n give her sum encouragment. she wrote a cuple of extra essays witch were fine. i couldnt understand why she wuz even in such a basick class. i wuz even more perplexed when she quit cummin to class after jes a few weeks.

twuz an odd thang that her disappearin lack that kep her in my mind fer sum reason. up till she disappeard, i had kep the white n black worls sepert. i purty much fergut bout kc once i cum home n dint hardly thank bout it on tuesdys n thursdys. n weekends we mite be in clinton or oak ridge. i kep the black worl on tuther side of the innerstate. i wood even go over on sundys to grade papers on a counta i dint wonta git my ut papers mixed in with my kc ones.

corse life went on n purty soon i could barely member her. twuz a tiny thang then, almos lack the memry of a smell. i dint thank nuthin of it. but the wall twixt black n white wuz broke fer me, fatally cracked by the puzzle of cassandra wurthy a'disappearin.

Friday, April 29, 2005

pinions of buddy don: guts

we lack to watch the bbc world news report ever evenin. gives ye sum stories ye dont see on amurkin tv. taint run by folks that has to make a profit by gittin the biggest audients or sellin the mos ads, witch that means they lack to do jes plane ole news. no bof sides now, witch thats havin sumbidy frum each side to repeat thar partisan spin points while the host sez sumthin lack how tiz a innerestin dispute. dont matter how ridiculous one side mite be, taint lackly yer amurkin tv will try to figger witch side is rite. better to let em spew n say how tiz a innerestin deebate.

nuther thang ye dont git much on amurkin news is stories bout eleckshuns in other places. they had em one bout the eleckshun in england. they showed the two fellers runnin -- tony blair n michael howard -- sittin down in frunt of reglar folks fer a town meetin. twernt lack them thangs mr bush runs. seem lack they dint even have the sense to keep out folks that has hard questchuns to ast. one feller wuz tellin michael howard how he knew he wuz a immigrunt n how michael howard had to hate im fer whut he wuz a'doon. then whenever mr blair wuz up thar, a woman ast im how had he made such a awful miss take by sendin britsh troops to iraq. whenever he sed twuz his duty to make the bes choice possibull, she anserd by sayin twuz his duty to make the rite choice n he had muffed it.

them eggzamples aint half of it. point is, these two fellers put tharselves in frunt of a real audients that wuznt screened n let em ast inny questchun they wonted. so them folks ast sum tuff questchuns that almost gut mr blair n mr howard to lose thar cool.

while i wuz a'watchin that in amazement, i had to add mitt these two fellers were brave. they gut guts. balls. courage.

then i thought bout our presdent n cum to real eyes whut makes me so embarrassd by him: hes a coward. he spends millions of our tax dollars campainin fer his plan to dismantle soshul securty. he dont let innybidy in that mite not alreddy agree with im. he dont let folks ast real questchuns. in sted, they send a add vants team to make em rehearse whut thar a'gone be allowd to say. then he wunders why folks aint bein cunvints!

heres a hint: ye dont cunvert nobidy ifn ye only preech to the choir. ye dont cunvert nobidy ifn ye aint gut the courage to face the questchuns frum folks that dont agree with ye.

twuz a panefull thang to real eyes: our presdent, fer all his macho saber-rattlin n war talk n such, that feller that lacks to strut onto a stage in frunt of his ardent supporters, the feller that lacks to do macho thangs lack playin golf n joggin n clearin brush, the big ole macho man is a coward.

he aint gut the guts to face a hard questchun. in sted, he gits his folks to remoove innybidy that has or -- even mite have -- a differnt pinion:
Three Denver residents yesterday charged that they were forcibly removed from one of President Bush's town meetings on Social Security because they displayed a bumper sticker on their car condemning the administration's Middle East policies.

The three, all self-described progressives who oppose Bush's Social Security plan, said an unidentified official at an event in Denver last week forced them to leave before the president started to speak, even though they had done nothing disruptive, said their attorney, Dan Recht.

he even gits his handlers to take keer of his bullyin.

no, this feller aint gut no guts: hes a coward.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

ramblins of buddy don: this n that

ye mite member how them publicans wuz always claimin to be the party of personull responsibilty. we woodnt have no presdents denyin doin rong, lease as long as the rong yer talkin bout is 'havin sex with that woman.'

corse, thays other kinds of rong, lack torchur, witch aint nobidy a'gone take personull responsibilty fer that. kin it be that the military chain of command is so broke that it caint cuntrol the soljers under thar command? my marine daddy wooodnt never have add mitted such a thang could happen. this mornins new york times has a letter frum a nuther ex-marine name of john greeley, witch it sounds lack it coulda been writ by my daddy:
America has certainly come to a curious moral impasse. "4 Top Officers Cleared by Army in Prison Abuses" (front page, April 23) opens with the statement that "a high-level Army investigation has cleared four of the five top Army officers overseeing prison policies and operations in Iraq of responsibility for the abuse of detainees there."

How is it possible that this so-called aberrant behavior could have escaped their oversight? The answer is that in the American military it cannot. It would not. In fact, it could have occurred only at the active direction of those people just exonerated. Things don't just happen, especially in military prisons.

We cannot allow responsibility for such acts to evaporate into thin air. The military wanted prisoners softened up for further interrogation, and our soldiers and intelligence operatives did it. Now it's time to take responsibility for all the Abu Ghraibs we have permitted.

To do anything less is to dishonor the principles this nation is founded upon.
i reckon by pertendin the torchur wuz limited they figger folks woodnt thank twuz so bad. as everbidy knows, taint whuther ye sin that matters, tiz whuther ye doot over n over agin n dont repent n sin no more. is that whut we dun? not accordin to this:
A rights watchdog said on Wednesday the abuses at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison were just the "tip of the iceberg" of U.S. mistreatment of Muslim prisoners.

The abuses at Abu Ghraib are part of a larger pattern of U.S. rights violations of detainees in Afghanistan, Guantanamo Bay and elsewhere, New York-based Human Rights Watch said.

Its summary of accusations of abuses came on the eve of the first anniversary of publication of photos showing humiliation and mistreatment of prisoners at the Iraqi jail.

"Abu Ghraib was only the tip of the iceberg," Reed Brody, special counsel for Human Rights Watch, said in a statement.

"It's now clear that abuse of detainees has happened all over -- from Afghanistan to Guantanamo Bay to a lot of third-country dungeons where the United States has sent prisoners. And probably quite a few other places we don't even know about."
i caint claim to put this inny bettern mr bob herbert, grate pundit fer the new york times, duz here:
When soldiers in war are not properly trained and supervised, atrocities are all but inevitable. This is one reason why the military command structure is so important. There was a time, not so long ago, when commanders were expected to be accountable for the behavior of their subordinates.

That's changed. Under Commander in Chief George W. Bush, the notion of command accountability has been discarded. In Mr. Bush's world of war, it's the grunts who take the heat. Punishment is reserved for the people at the bottom. The people who foul up at the top are promoted.

It was a year ago today that the stories and photos of the shocking abuses at Abu Ghraib prison first came to the public's attention. It was a scandal that undermined the military's reputation and diminished the standing of the U.S. around the world.

It would soon become clear that the photos of hooded, naked and humiliated detainees were evidence of a much larger problem. The system for processing, interrogating and detaining prisoners at Abu Ghraib and elsewhere in Iraq was dangerously out of control, and the command structure responsible for it had collapsed. Detainees were beaten, tortured, sexually abused and, in some instances, killed. Many detainees should never have been imprisoned at all, as they had committed no offenses.

So what happened? A handful of grunts were court-martialed, a Marine major was cashiered, and the Army plans to issue a new interrogation manual that bars certain harsh techniques. There was no wholesale crackdown on criminal behavior.
corse, ye mite not bleeve innybidy higher up coulda been involved (ignorin whut that wood say bout the military chain of command). but ye wood be rong, at lease accordin to this claim in the washington post (please disproov it ifn ye kin):
A YEAR AGO this week, the release of shocking photographs of naked and hooded Iraqi detainees at Abu Ghraib prison alerted the world to serious human rights abuses by U.S. forces. Those images, it turned out, were the tip of an iceberg: Subsequent investigations by the media, human rights groups and the military itself revealed hundreds of cases of torture and abuse of detainees in Iraq, Afghanistan and the Guantanamo Bay prison, including scores of suspicious deaths. A trail of documents showed that abusive interrogation techniques, such as the use of dogs and painful shackling, had been approved by senior military commanders and the secretary of defense. Even more extreme practices, such as simulated drowning and the withholding of pain medication, were authorized for the CIA at White House meetings presided over by President Bush's counsel.

All these facts are undisputed. Yet Pentagon officials have now made it known that the last of the official investigations of prisoner abuse, by the Army inspector general, has ended by exonerating all but one senior officer, a female reserve brigadier general who was not directly involved in the abuses and who received an administrative reprimand. Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld; former CIA director George J. Tenet; and Alberto R. Gonzales, the former White House counsel who is now attorney general, are excused: In fact, they were never directly investigated. The only people to suffer criminal prosecution from one of the most serious human rights scandals in U.S. history remain a handful of lower-ranking soldiers, including seven reservists implicated in those first photographs from Abu Ghraib. That the affair would end in this way is even more disgraceful for the American political system than the abuses themselves.
yep, them groanups is finely in charge now, aint they?

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

fambly of buddy don: eli calls

i gut a call frum eli this mornin roun 4 am, witch i wuz awake but dint wonta talk on the fone verr furst thang in the day. innywho, he called back around five. i denied the colleck call n called im back.

he wuz full of news bout his evenin, witch it started whenever he went to church with our sister roena may. he went down to the altar whenever they called fer folks to cum ford. he testifide whenever they called fer that. he sez he lef full of the holy spirit.

but bein a skizofrenick or sumbidy who has the 'windows of percepshun' wide open, he knew the devil wood attack im n shore a nuff, he found his mind filld with disturbin images. all of this is purty typicull of eli.

so he deecided he wood call sumbidy fer hep. he called 30 differnt churches n only gut one human to anser, witch she wuz too tired to talk. so he called his favert christchun rock stayshun, but turnt out not to be a local thang but a nashunull outfit that dint have nobidy thar to anser thar fones. he called the daily wurd, but the tole im they wood only pray fer folks, not talk to em. he called the hospitull n they tole im to call the cathlick church n that thay wuz always sumbidy thar. so he called n gut sumbidy, but they tole im they couldnt talk to nobidy that wuznt a cathlick.

he sed he suz sprized but not sprized. the spirit mite be willin but tiz hard to talk to folks that bleeves angels n demons is real, that bleeves thays attackin im. woodnt nobidy talk to im.

we talked fer a while, bout how much we miss maisie n how she wood always talk to im no matter whut time, day or nite. he sed sumbidy had tole im how she wood half to go to hell n he sed ifn he wuz in heaven n knew maisie wuz in hell, he woodnt be able to enjoy heaven. a preechur tole im that god wood wash his mind clean of inny memory of innybidy in hell (how could innybidy know such a thang?), but eli sed ifn god wuz a'gone wipe out his memries, then woodnt that make im sumbidy else besides eli?

so i tole im he mite wonta read the heart of the matter by graham greene on a counta how that deals with the same questchuns n issues that cuncern maisies fate. he laffed n tole me he luved me n that he figgerd god had guided im to call me n larn that name of that book, witch he sed he wood git im a copy n read it this verr day.

but he sed he thought twuz odd how not one christchun wood talk to im. i sed maybe twuz so, but jesus wood be lisnin no matter whut n he sed twuz so but he needed to speak to a human now n then. i sed thats whut ye gut fambly fer.

tiz true, but i feel fer eli, the loneliest human i know.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

perplexity of buddy don: hypocrussy is a good thang?

as ye mite know alreddy, the 45 dimcrat senators represent more folks than the 55 publican senators. fack is, the senate wuz invented to make shore the majorty dint turn into a dicktatership over the minorty. fer that reason, ye git two senators per state, even lil bitty states lack utah, witch they dont have as minny folks as ye gut in washington dc (whar they git taxayshun without representayshun on a counta how they wood be dimcrats n caint be allowed the same rites folks in other places git).

so tiz only natcherul that the senate wood have sumthin lack a filibuster sos the minorty kin keep the majorty frum runnin over it. them publicans used it well, even mr frist who lacks to tell the lie that twuznt never used befor now even tho he wuz a'usin it in 2000 his own self! (kin it be that lyin n hypocrussy are cunsidderd good qualities fer publicans to have?):
On March 8, 2000, thirteen Senators, all of whom were Republicans, attempted to filibuster Marsha Berzon for U.S. Circuit judge. You can read the roll call vote right here. Eight of these Seantors are currently in the United States Senate: Allard (CO), Brownback (KS), Bunning (KY), Craig (ID), DeWine (OH), Enzi (WY), Inhofe (OK) and Shelby (AL). None of these eight have expressed opposition to the elimination of judicial filibusters, a practice they themselves once tried to engage in. Later that same day, those same thirteen Senators, in addition to Senator Bill Frist, attempted to filibuster the nomination of Richard Paez to US Circuit Judge. You can read the roll call vote on that one here.
so i reckon twuz a bit of a sprize to read this poll.

Monday, April 25, 2005

fotos of buddy don: walkin to chinatown

pitchers frum yesterdys walk to chinatown: click on em to see em full size:

famus pizza place with buddy don in refleckshun

matt umanovs guitars

whuts that noise?

rats of man hattan

three flyin fish

fish fer sale

puck on the puck buildin

pick nick in man hattan

homeless in man hattan

kamwo: whar we wuz a'goin to pick up them erbs

astor likker store: whar we went fer sum malt medicin

Sunday, April 24, 2005

cogitayshun of buddy don: even god caint proov thay aint no god

i tole ye yesterdy bout havin dinner with a frien of mine on fridy, witch he used to be mayhap the bes riter i knew n i been lucky a nuff to know a passel of em.

innywho, hes always been a verr devout soul n a bleever in god. but he started a'gittin that bi-polar cyckle of mania follerd by deepresshun frum relijun n god, even tho i never met a more spiritchul feller. but faith wuz a torment to im so he had give it up, dint go to church no more, dint even bleeve in god. he talked on bout the change in faith, even called hisself a 'atheist' a time or two. he sed the hole thang wuz baggage he dint need to be a'totin round everwhar with im, that kinda thang.

i reckun i wuz jes as sprized as he wuz whenever i disagreed with im n sed i dint bleeve thay wuz inny way fer a honest thankin person to be a atheist. when he ast me why, i splained it thisaway:

ifn ye wonted to proov thay aint no god, ye wood have to proov a negative, witch taint sumthin that kin be dun. jes ast them iraqis who claimed they dint have no wmd but couldnt proov it on a counta how ye caint proov a negativ. (wunder did we larn that we wuz astin fer proof nobidy could pervide?)

but ifn ye wuz still a'gone try to proov they aint no god, then ye wood need to know fer sartin whut god wood look ifn he, she, it or them wuz here, thar, innywhar, or everwhar. corse, since yer trine to proov that god dont eggzist, ifn ye knew whut he, she, it or them looked lack, then ye wooda dun add mitted he, she, it or them eggzists. (ye wood half to fall back on arguin that gods dead or sumthin.)

so ye caint know whut god wood look lack. that means ye wood half to proov thay aint no god by a process of eliminayshun. fer that ye wood half to know how everthang that they is in the hole universe is spozed to be, assumin it aint god. in uther wurds, ye wood half to be omnishunt.

then ye wood half to check everthang that wuz innywhar to make shore everthang wuz jes itself n not god. not only that, but ye wood half to doot everwhar at once to make shore god wuznt a'hidin, say, in the milky way whilst ye wuz a checkin the sc spiral galaxy m100. that means ye wood half to be omnipresent.

then to make shore god hadnt died at sum point, ye wood half to check thru out all time, frum the verr beginnin (if inny) to the verr end (if inny). that means ye wood half to be eternull.

now ifn ye wuz omnishunt, omnipresnut n eternull, woodnt ye be god?

my frien seem lack he dint have a reddy anser, so he tuck a few bites of pasta n chewd fer a bit. then he ast me wuz i a'sayin that to proov thay aint no god, ye wood half to be god?

i tole im that wernt it. whut i meant wuz: even god his ownself couldnt proov thay aint no god on a counta he wood be god n his eggzistunts wood disproove the claim that thay aint no god. n ifn god couldnt proov thay aint no god, then how could a lesser bein doot? how could eethur one of us doot?

we had a lil chuckle n ponderd it in futher conversayshun over coffee n deesert till we sumhow cum to sumthin we bofus recolleckted a'hearin even ifn we caint say whar. twuz how gautama buddha had tole one of his deeciples that pondern the questchun of whuther thays a god or not tends not to lead to enlitenment.

i count it as a blessin that my mind aint plagued by the questchun of whuther thay is a god or not. i wish the same fer my good frien. but seems to me lack the questchun of whuther thay is a god or not -- witch, thats the questchun of whuther innythang means innythang -- i bleeve that questchuns a'doggin im everday even ifn he claims he dont bleeve nuthin.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

cogitayshun of buddy don: dinner with a frien

las nite i had dinner with a frien of mine, witch hes a nuther riter i know. lease he used to be a riter. thang is how his ritin wuz a'killin im by makin im so hi one day n then leevin im deep in deepresshun the nex, witch folks call that 'bi poler cundishun' n i reckon mos folks has it to sum degree.

we been friens a long time n i dun read a heap of his books n hes red near everthang ive writ so twuz a sad sprize whenever he tole me he had give up ritin. twernt innerestin to im no more. he had to git im on sum lithium to keep frum ridin them ups n downs.

i couldnt hep but ast im dint he miss it? n wuz it wurth it to be cuntent ifn ye wuznt ritin no more. he tole me twuz a questchun bout the rong subjeck so i ast im whut the rite subjeck wuz.

'Life or death. And I prefer life.'

we talked on minny a topick after that till twuz time fer im to git to grand central to bord his train. then i walked back cross town a'wundern whuther he had made a good trade, wundern whuther i wood make the same trade ifn i larnt that them migraines wuz caused by ritin. wood it be wurth it to keep ritin?

Friday, April 22, 2005

treetment of buddy don: bitter erbs

sumday i plan to rite a cumpar n contrast essay bout the differntses twixt westurn n easturn medicin. but i will say this fer now. frank butler of soho herbs n acupuncture hit paydirt furst time he perscribed erbs fer me. once i larnt how to cook em, they wurked jes fine. corse they cost a good $7 per day to buy em n two hours to cook em. but they wurked n i dint have a sangle symptum the hole time i wuz a'takin em.

that wooda dun it fer westurn medicin. fack is, thar satisfied with givin me zomig to keep me frum barfin. ifn the zomig dont wurk, they dun give me syringes n sum stuff name of raglan. no matter whut, they know they need to stop the vomitin.

but that aint good a nuff fer frank. he sed keepin me on them erbs wood jes be treetin the symptums n not eliminatin the cause. he sed twuz lack we are in a leaky boat. with them furst erbs, we gut us a way of bailin out so we dont go under. but we caint bail ferever. in sted, we gut to repair the hole in the boat. n fer that, he needs to move me frum one erbull recipe to a nuther.

the idee is to see whut them recipes have in common that mite make em wurk. each recipe has a number of differnt erbs. frum one recipe to a nuther, sum erbs dont change. by trackin witch recipes wurk n witch dont, he kin figger out whut the real problem is n stop it thar. once thats dun, he sed i woodnt need no more erbs.

so todays erbs is as bitter as kin be, moren coffee. but they wurk, and that aint nuthin but sweet.

finely, as ye kin planely see, whut that gua sha treetment dun to my back is a'healin up jes fine:

Thursday, April 21, 2005

treetment of buddy don: fadin into new erbs

mis bd went over to chinatown to git a new bunch of erbs fer me yesterdy. i cooked em las nite in hopes i wood be well today, witch tiz a deelite to say i feel grate this mornin n dint have the lease temptayshun to vomit. so ima gone back to wurk, witch twill be grate to be thar tho i aint gut no doubt bout how far behind ima gone be. but thats movin up to a better problem than i had whenever i wuz a'lyin in the fog/sleep of zomig hopin i woodnt start barfin.

not only that, but ye kin see how the results of that gua sha has alreddy faded, witch frank butler sed they wood:

tiz also amazin to me how they rubbed mos ever part of my back, but the red stuff (they call that 'sha') only cum up on parts of my back. heres a closer look:

caint make no promisses on a counta how i caint perdick frum one day to the nex how ima gone feel, but i hope i kin put together a chaptur fer tomorrow. at the moment, im happy jes to be feelin this good this late in the mornin.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

treetment of buddy don: rubbed raw by gua sha

frank butler, that ackupunkchurist i go see, really wurked me over yesterdy evenin. he figgerd he wuz close with them erbs but when he gits it rite, twill git rid of the problem fer good n i wont be takin erbs everday. but we aint quite that far along. the urge to vomit is so grate that i kin barely thank of nuthin else. this here note is writ jes befor i drop back into the oblivion of zomig agin on a counta how im rite on the edge. furst a cuple pitchers of the gua sha treetment i wuz give yesterdy.

furst thays the hole back:

as ye kin see, they rubbed me up purty good a'usin sum stangin oil n a piece of smooth porcelun. spozedly ifn yer helthy, dont nuthin cum up but a lil pinkness. as ye kin see, i aint that healthy yet, witch heres a close up:

it hurt lack the devil while they wuz a'rubbin on me, witch it tuck two of em to keep it up till they gut everthang to cum up. sposedly the darker stuff is older than the paler. tiz also spozed to stop a feller frum feelin lack he needs to upchuck, but it dint wurk cumpletely lack that. i wuz on zomig durin the meetin so ye couldnt hardly tell, but this mornin i am rite on the edge.

later today miz bd is a'gone go get the new erbs, witch thays bof a new n a ole mix, the new in hopes it wurks so i kin git closer to a cure of this thang, the ole in case the new dont wurk, witch im a'prayin twill. rite now ima gone shoot sum zomig up my nose n go back to sleep.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

mizry of buddy don: it just dont wonta stop

i gut up this mornin thankin i wuz in fer a good day. last nite the ancient method left me ringin wet with sweat n i figgerd twuz over. then when i woke up this mornin, i had to vomit furst thang. that ackupunkchurist wonts to wean me off them erbs, but so far i been sick everday i aint had em but one. i see im today n hope he kin put me rite agin.

wurst thang bout these migraines, assumin ye kin stop the vomitin: the days jes drop rite outta life, turnin into a dark oblivion in bed.

Monday, April 18, 2005

mizry of buddy don: sick all weekend

wish i could rite more, but ima gone take that zomig n pass out fer the day. ever since i wuz tuck off them erbs i wuz a'usin, i been sick. twuz a hard weekend n now i caint stop wontin to vomit.

i had hoped to putt up a nuther chaptur, but i caint even thank bout ritin.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

resolve of buddy don: attackin this here migraine afor it attacks me

yesterdy i wuz on vacayshun but had the auras of a migrain a cummin on so i could git myself to blog. today tiz wurser on a counta tiz the tender patch on my head, witch thatn preceds the wurse kinda migraines by bout a day. so me n miz bd is attackin furst, s'usin that ancient method i dun menchuned tuther day. tiz frusteraytin since i gut so much on life n pinions id lack to be ritin, but mayhap thisll wurk. i jes drunk them erbs with sum hot food n hot tea. now ima gone lie down n hope fer that fever to cum.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

treetment of buddy don: the ancient method

i dint last too long at wurk yesterdy till i had to cum home, shoot sum zomig up my nose n pass out fer hours. lease i dint half to vomit.

the day befor i went to see the ackupunkchurist, witch he tuck my pulse n tole me i wuz a'gone be sick. i bleeve i alreddy wuz, tho i dint wonta add mitt it. i dint wonta add mitt it yesterdy to whar i went in to wurk n then had to cum home. he preescribed 'the ancient method' fer me to use that evenin, witchthe idee is ye induce a fever by takin the ma huang n bundlin up, but by the time i had cooked the erbs n gut the blankets on me, twuz verr late n i jes couldnt git the sweat to brake lack tiz spozed to. i wuz sprized to larn my case is a text book case, only the book is 2,000 years ole!

whenever i finely woke up yesterdy afternoon, i deecided i wood try to cumplete the 'ancient method' the ackupunkchurist had preescribed fer me to do fer as minny as five days in a row, ifn thats whut it tuck. the idee is that i cook the erbs, witch the mane one wuz ma huang, then to drank em while they wuz still hot n to eat sum hot oatmeal long with that.

once i had et n drunk all that, i wuz to git in bed with way too minny covers n blankets on me. i putt on sum exter cloze n a knit cap n dun jes whut he sed. miz bd put on a timer to ding after one hour. i wuz able to stay in that hot spot fer the hole hour n whenever twuz dun, i wuz drippin with sweat.

as soon as i gut up to take a shower n cool off, miz bd sed, 'yer back. my babys back.' she kin tell rite away ifn i gut a migraine even ifn i caint always tell my ownself.

i mite go back to see the ackupunkchurist agin today. at the verr lease, ima gone splain whut happend.

i shore hope this wuz jes a lil bump in the rode n not a new round of migraines.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

misry of buddy don: ye mean taint over yet?

yesterdy i went to the acupunkchurist agin. they tuck my pulse n looked at my tung. then the boss cum in n dun the same n sed i wuz about to be sick. dint hardly seem fair, but i had to add mitt to feelin awful all day long -- deepressd fer no reason, irrtabull as could be. he give me a new formula fer erbs -- ma juang (sp?) wuz the mane thang, idee bein to induce a fever n knock out whut ever wuz a cummin. i cooked em erbs n drunk em hot with hot oatmeal n lay down under a bunch of blankets till i wuz so hot i couldnt stand it hardly. the idee wuz to brake a sweat, witch twuz hard to tell ifn it dun it.

this mornin miz bd almos woodnt let me outta the house, witch she kin generly see whuther ima gittin sick quickern i kin. but i hate to give up after thangs has been so good fer near two months (april 24 wood make it two, so i reckun tiz fair to say, fer seven weeks or so). now my mouth is a'watern n no doubt the bile is a'gone wonta cum up. but shorely a bidys willpower is good fer sumthin. so i plan to go longs i kin today.

i wooda writ more, but the innernets wuz down this mornin durin my normal bloggin time.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

life of buddy don, chaptur 134: crossin the tracks

twuz easy a nuff fer me to say i wood be walkin to n frum knoxvull collidge whenever twuz a sunny august day n i wuz a'walkin home frum the grossry with emily on laurel avenue in fort sanders. twuz a nuther thang whenever i had to doot finely, witch the furst day wuz windsdy, september 22, 1982.

i had dun been back to visit docter streeter a time or two. he showed me whar my offus wood be, witch twuz downstairs in a hallway that had nuthin but piano practiss rooms, with the offus of the voice instructer rite nex door to mine n the offus of the piano teechur jes across the hall. twuz a cold n drafty lil space n mos students wood half to go outta thar way to visit, but i dint have no cumplaints. i had other thangs to wurry bout lack how wuz i a'gone teech a grammar class when i wuznt shore whut a danglin modifyer wuz nor lots of other finer points bout it.

innywho, that furst mornin wuz a lil brisk, so i loded up my book bag with sum copies i had made of a questchunair i lack to hand out to students the furst day. twood ast em thangs lack thar name n birthdy n favert book n music n movie n who thar hero wuz, that kinda thang, stuff that mite give me sum idees bout whut ritin assinements i should give em. i put a few other books in the same bag, my bible n harbrace handbook n dickshunairy n sum other books of that ilk, the kinda books ye mite wonta have sittin roun yer offus ifn ye wuz a perfesser of english.

thay wuz sum histry twixt the hill i wuz a'leevin out frum n the hill whar knoxvull collidge is. durin the civil war the union wuz deefendin fort sanders n the cunfedrussy wuz attackin frum the hill whar knoxvull collidge wood later be bilt. seemed a strange historicull coincidents that the side fitin to keep slavery legal wood be whar a uncf collidge wood live, but twuz so. tiz also purty amazin to thank how a cuple of presbyteryun ladies gut the collidge a'goin in 1863! twuz sponsord to sum eggstint by them presbyteryuns ever since.

i thought bout sum of that as i wuz walkin down 17th street tords the collidge. onf of the furst thangs i noticed that hadnt been obvious whenever we went over thar by car is how as soon as ye gut under the overpass fer the i-75/i-40 innerstate, ye wuz in a nuther worl. on the side i cum frum, mos everbidy wuz white. ye had fine homes ifn ye went down kingston pike tords west knoxvull n ye had yer student nayborhood in fort sanders. as ye gut closer to that innerstate, the houses give way to old industrial bildins n the railroad tracks. then ye crossed under the overpass n found yerself suddenly in the black part of town.

in them days, they wuz a bunch of brick apartments all along collidge street, borderd by westurn avenue on one side n university on tuther. i dint know till much later that twuz a housin project. it dint look lack nuthin i had been tole of housin projects on a counta how the yards wuz all kep up with flowers n such. the apartments wuz in good repair n ye dint see nun of the decay n desperayshun ye wuz led to thank ye had with inny housin projeck. but i dint know that till much later. far as i could tell, twuz a nice set of brick apartment bildins.

but everbidy on the street ceptn fer me wuz black. it reminded me a lot of whenever i wuz a lil boy n we furst moved to oak ridge. mama hired a woman name of ethyl n twuz a shock whenever i finely real eyesed how she lived in the same nayborhood as the collidge. i membered whenever i wuz lil n we wuz drivin thru to pick her up or drop her off. me n eli used to hope fer a view of a baseball field. we used to wunder why all the yung boys wore the same haircut, far as we could tell. we wuz that ignernt bout the races.

but thay wuznt hardly nobidy on the streets that mornin. my furst class wuz at 8 am, so i had left in time to git to campus by 7:30. i trudged up the hill n waved at the guard, witch he dun knew all bout me sumhow, n walked over to the colston center fer the performin arts. tho the sun wuz up, that bildin wuz cumpletely dark. i tride the door to one end, witch i wuz sprized to find it open.

i went in n soon as i gut away frum the glass door, twuz pitch black dark. i kindly wunderd how wuz i a'gone git the lites on n how wuz i a'gone find my furst class. twuz so dark to whar i couldnt hardly see nuthin. i knew i wood be cummin to sum stairs, three or four a'goin down, so i wuz feelin my way along as keerful as could be.

as i walked, i wuz sprized by the smells: thay wuz coconut n musk n lots of other smells that i wuznt specktin. i wunderd did black folk smell differnt? seemed to me lack i could smell the blackness in that hallway, witch lord knows i wuz a'seein it. i wunderd wuz it racist to thank folks of differnt races mite smell differnt. but dint matter nun on a counta ye couldnt deny the evidents of yer nose. mayhap tiz the use of differnt soaps n shampoos n hair treetments. i couldnt splain it but it cum as a bit of sprize to me. n it reminded me of ethyl, witch twuz a good memry.

i finely found them steps n made my way down em. then seemed lack i could here sumthin, lack sumbidy breathin. i gut real quite n tride to look into the black, but i couldnt see nuthin n gut to wunderin whuther i had imagined the sound of sumbidy breathin till suddenly a feller name of jerome johnson sed sumthin bout he wuz thar n i probly couldnt see him but he could see me. i ast who he wuz n he sed, 'jerome johnson frum libertyville florda.' so i sed i wuz the new english teechur buddy don duncan n ast im did he know how to turn on the lites. he sed he wuz hopin i wood know.

while we wuz standin wunderin whut to do, we herd sumbidy flip the switch n the lites flickerd n flickerd n finely turnt on. i looked at jerome. or should i say, i looked up at jerome on a counta he wuz a good six foot six inches tall n had to outweigh me by bout duble, all muscle. i real eyesed whenever i wuz a'lookin at im how i had sumhow been trained to be skeerd of such folk. but i figgerd thay wuznt nuthin to gain by lettin on, so i ast im did he know whar our class wuz.

purty soon i wuz thar in frunt of the entire class. twuz a odd feelin to be thonly white persun in the room, but i tuck roll n then tride to git order. folks wuz a'talkin n laffin n probly makin fun of the perfesser. i wuz wearin sum good pants n a white shirt with a tie, but thonly shoes i had wuz a pair of old boots i had been a'wearin since befor we lef fer west germany. they wuz purty wore out n later on i wood larn how my students wunderd why i wood wear such awful lookin 'kicks,' as they wood call yer shoes often as not.

i tride to git thar attenchun, but dint seem lack they wonted to pay no tenchun to me. sumbidy pointed out how the clock wuz rong. i wunderd how i wood git that fixed n how i wood git cuntrol of the class. i only knew the one name, but jerome johnson dint look near as friendly now as he had dun in the dark whenever i couldnt hardly see im. now it looked lack he wuz wunderin whut i could show em. finely i ast jerome wuz he tall a nuff to fix the clock. the hole class gut quite on a counta how nobidy speckted me to know inny names. now thay seemed to be wunderin whut else i mite know. jerome looked at me lack he wonted to ast why i thought he wuz my servunt, so i went to the wall n reached up tords the clock. i couldnt cum close toot.

i menchuned how everbidy had sumthin they could do that couldnt nobidy else do quite as well. sum folks had minny a thang they could do. whut i needed wuz a tall man to git that clock. but jerome jes sat lookin at me lack he wonted to see how i wood handle the situwayshun. finely, i walked over to im n put my hand on his sholder n tole im ifn he wood do me that favor, i wood owe him one. the class overherd n broke up. thay wuz a moment whenever i figgerd i wuz bout to lose that class. then jerome stood up n looked at the res of the class n ast wuz they thar to larn or make fun of the goofy lookin teechur? he wuz a verr imposin presents n seem lack the class dint hardly know whut to do. they wonted to laff at im callin me goofy, but he dint seem to be makin no joke. i finely sed twood be fine with me ifn folks wonted to do bof: make fun of the goofy white guy n larn. dint matter nun to me long as they wuz a'larnin.

jerome turnt to me n sed, 'you all rite, mr d.' then he reached up n tuck the clock offn the wall n set the time. i sed twuz time to git to wurk, so they tuck out thar notebooks while i checked the role agin, trine to larn me a few names. once i knew who wuz thar n who wuznt, i give em the questchunair n whenever they had dun finished that, i ast em to git out sum paper sos they could rite a in class essay. they anserd with moans n groans on a counta they dint eggspeck to rite thar furst day n all. i let em grouse fer a bit n then ast em to cum to order. nuthin. i ast agin, witch i dint wonta raze my voice, but i did intend fer them to rite. finely jerome turnt to em n sed he wonted to larn n this wuz his chants that he dint wonta waste, so innybidy that had cumplaints bout it orta take it outside.

the class gut quite as could be with occashunull bursts of giggles n talk, but i ignored em. in sted, i gut into a lectchur i wood be a'givin overn over agin in my teachin career. twuz bout how ye larn to play basketball. i ast em did they lack the sport, witch everone of em did. so i ast em how wood thay larn to play basketball ifn they dint know how? they dint anser, witch that wuz ok, so i carrd on. i ast em wood they larn it by readin books bout basketball n a verr dark-skinned feller name of rufus coales sed ye mite larn the rules but not how to play.

rite then the class wuz innerupted by the entry of dolores g miller. she wuz dressd up as ifn she wuz on her way to church n i wuz sprized by how short her skirt wuz n how long her legs wuz n how she wuz a'wearin verr hi heeled shoes. fer sum reason i felt a lil sorry fer her. i wuz so biased that i couldnt hardly see my students, couldnt see how attractive she wuz. fer me at that moment, twuz lack a verr fat woman trine to wear tite cloze. i jes figgerd black women couldnt be purty the way white ones wuz. i thought bout how racist such a thought wuz, but i also wunderd ifn i could change my taste on the basis of whut i figgerd i orta feel, not on whut i did. i made sum kinda smart remark bout how nice twuz fer her to grace us with her presents n that gut a round of laffs, so on we went.

i ast em wood they larn to play basketball by watchin tv. i sed they mite pick up sum tricks n they mite git the rules. but wood they larn to dribble? to pass? to set screens? to pass? how wood they larn to do inny of that? woodnt they have to git out on the cort n start tryin to dribble n pass n shoot? woodnt they larn by doin?

twuz a lil quite on a counta how they mite wonta git out on a basketball cort, but dint innybidy really wonta rite no essay the furst day. i tole em not to git in too much of a hurry on a counta they wuz a'gone need to know my gradin n whut i wuz a'lookin fer. i tole em how thay wuz seven dedly errors: subject verb agreement, pronoun n pronoun antecedent agreement, comma splice, sentence fragment, improper use of adverb/adjective, improper verb forms, n improper case. i could see the frowns a'cummin out on thar faces. i promissd to teech em how to avoid them errors, but only by practicin. then i sed that ifn they had two deadly errors in a essay, that essay wood git the grade of a f.

ye mite could thank i had tole em they wood half to take a whuppin everday. whut a chorus of cumplaints i gut. i looked at jerome fer a mint. he smiled. i held up my hands n sed that failure is part of larnin n aint nobidy in a one of my classes that had to ackcept thar f. ifn they wonted to rite the essay over, they could git a better grade.

dolores razed her hand n when i called on her, she sed, 'but mr d! dont that mean nobidy has to fail?' i tole her i couldnta put it no bettern that ceptn to say that nobidy has to ackcept failure.

then i give em the assinement, witch twuz to rite at least 200 wurds on one of the followin topicks: my furst eggsperients with death, my mos embarrassin moment, or the bes present i ever received. i tole em whenever they wuz dun they could hand in thar papers n go. purty soon they wuz all ritin.

i watched em fer a lil while, thankin bout how i had figgerd teechin at knoxvull collidge mite be safer than teechin at utk on a counta how i had dun had sevrul young ladies in my classes at utk that lemme know they had crushes on me. thay wuz a temptayshun thar, speshly when emily n i wuz havin sum trubles. so i figgerd i wood be out of the range of temptayshun. bout then dolores tride to pull her skirt down a bit n then crossed her legs. i wunderd whuther i wood ever cum to see how sexy she wuz, whuther she wood have been able to be a temptayshun to me. i couldnt magine it, witch tiz a shame i dint have no better imaginayshun than that.

i had two other classes that day, one at one pm, tuther at 2, witch thatn wuz the grammar class. but as the students put thar papers on my desk n filed out of that furst class, i wuz glad i had gut that far. jerome wuz one of the last to leeve n he sed he hoped i woodnt go easy on im. i tole im twuznt my plan to go easy on nobidy. he sed, 'you all rite, mr. d.'

dolores looked up n sed, 'all rite? he be trippin ifn he thanks we ritin a essay every class.' i laffed n sed i reckund i mus be trippin, then, witch that made her laff fer a mint, then she bent over her paper agin. i watched for a mint as she crossd her legs agin. then she sed, 'you serious? ever class?'

i laffed n sed i wonted her to larn. she gut up n looked around. she wuz the last to leeve.

'you a trip, man. i aint never been the las one out.' i tole her twuz a good time to start.

i wuz feelin purty good bout that class. i had gut past a tuff moment, thanks to jerome. n i had the questchunairs n a small pile of essays to read. i went down to my offus n looked em over. i wuz shocked by whut i found. sum of the papers dint use a sangle period or capital letter. nuthin wuz spelled rite. but whut they had writ wuz cumpellin: furst eggsperients of death? kamal 'too short' trotter writ bout seein his bruther die in his arms frum a gang shootin. dolores writ bout how embarrassin twuz furst time she larnt she wuz a nigger, witch thats the verr wurd she used, splainin how the wurd had been ok till she herd it cummin as a insult frum a white mans mouth. jerome writ bout the bes present he ever gut, witch twuz the furst time a woman let im 'have sum,' witch he wuz thirteen year old at the time. i red n red, too engrossed to make a mark on a one of them papers.

as i red, i felt the hairs a'risin on my neck: i had dun crossed the tracks into a worl i dint know nuthin bout.

Monday, April 11, 2005

pinions of buddy don: faith-based economick nonsense

thays plenty of diskusshun bout faith-based thangs, witch fer the mos part, seems lack folks is arguin over whuther we should bleeve scientists or preechurs bout thangs lack evolushun vs intelligent desine n so furth. but seems to me lack whar we need to be astin questchuns bout whar we putt our faith is in the follerin bleefs, witch thay aint necessarily so:
  • deesire fer profit is thonly motivayshun that innybidy uses in makin inny deecishun in life, witch this leads to simple-minded publicity gimmicks lack:
    • the laffer curve, or

    • the ackceptants of ceo's makin over 500 times as much as the average blue collar wurker ["Business Week reports that the disparity between the “shop floor and the executive suite” is at an all-time high. In 1980, CEOs made 42 times the average blue-collar worker. By 1990, this disparity rose to 85 times, and by the year 2000 the disparity between worker and CEO climbed to 531 times as much."] (on a counta ifn they wuz only gittin 40 times as much, lack they dun back in 1980 or only 20 times as much, lack them robber barons dun), woodnt nobidy be willin to take the top job at no cumpny

  • gummint caint do nuthin as well as privutt innerprize, witch ifn that wuz so, why woodnt we git privutt innerprize to handle nashunull deefents?
fack is, thays other motivayshuns besides the desire to git moren more money. artists lack to create whuther they git paid or not:
  • mozart died in poverty at the age of 35:
    Mozart was one of the world’s greatest composers. He was the leader of what historians of music call the “classical period.” In 1781, Mozart left Salzburg to go to Vienna, a musical capital of the world at the time. Mozart went to seek his fortune. Now, Mozart, did not do well. He was no longer a child prodigy, and people didn’t listen quite as carefully. None of the musical activities that Mozart participated in led to a fortune. In fact, he failed to make enough money to support his family. Mozart died in poverty on December 5, 1791.

  • emily dickinson never gut a dime fer all the poems she writ:
    Dickinson was unable to submit her poems for publication herself. Only six or seven of her poems were published during her lifetime and without her permission. It was estimated that Dickinson wrote about 1700 poems. On her deathbed, she asked her sister Lavinia to burn all her poems. After publication Lavinia burned all the originals. Her style is somewhat personal and direct. She saw the very essence of things and wrote about as if she does not care for conventional style or traditional format. She often used dashes and capitalization's to emphasize her point in both her letters and poems. Her work was probably so ahead of her time that people then were not yet ready for it. Literary editors of the 19th century attempted to alter her style by changing dashes into basic punctuations, using conventional grammars, editing the capitalization and even assigning titles. It was only through Thomas Johnson's publication of Emily's work in 1955 did people really saw her style.

  • franz kafka dint git published durin his life n ast his bes friend max brod to burn all his wurk:
    "Dearest Max, my last request: Everything I leave behind me... in the way of diaries, manuscripts, letters (my own and others'), sketches, and so on, [is] to be burned unread....
    Yours, Franz Kafka"

    These famous words written to Kafka's friend Max Broad have puzzled Kafka's readers ever since they appeared in the postscript to the first edition of The Trial, published in 1925, a year after Kafka's death. We will never know if Kafka really meant for Brod to do what he asked; Broad believed that it was Kafka's high artistic standards and merciless self-criticism that lay behind the request, but he also believed that Kafka had deliberately asked the one person he knew would not honor his wishes (because Broad had explicitly told him so). We do know, however, that Brod disregarded his friend's request and devoted great energy to making sure that all of Kafka's works-his three unfinished novels, his unpublished stories, diaries and letters-would appear in print.
point is how folks has motivayshuns othern gittin n spendin. sum folks is relijus n bleeves they orta serve others of gods children or teachurs that knows they wont hardly make a nuff to eat who continue teachin innyway.

but the bleef that tiz profit alone that acks as a motivator leads us to thank gummint is the problem n whut ye gutta do at ever oppertunty (ceptn nashunul deefents) is give yer private corporayshuns the chants to make more profit. one of the mane places this miss take in bleef has horrbull results is in health keer.

ever other deeveloped cuntry in the worl has sum form of nashunull health keer but ourn. so how is that a'wurkin out?

fer one thang, whut gut me started on this post wuz reedin how health keer costs adds $1,400 to ever car generul motors sells, leadin to difficulty compeetin with cars frum other cuntries:
GM currently spends $4.8 billion on its health care plans, which cover 1.1 million active employees, retirees and their dependents. GM's health-care bill included $1.3 billion for prescription drugs.

"What is happening now is that those of us that provide health care to our covered groups, we provide health care to other people, too. When you go to the emergency room and you're not covered, they have to spread the cost of that on the people who are paying. Not only is the quality not great but the costs are distributed in a Kafkaesque fashion. Those who pay get to pay more," Wagoner said.

"Spiraling health care costs and poor quality are not just an issue for old-economy companies or heavily unionized companies. These costs affect a broad range of industries and companies, including those in the technology sector that have been around for a while. Spiraling costs affect our country's competitiveness in a big way.

"In short, the cost of health care is an area where the U.S. is very uncompetitive right now versus our global counterparts," Wagoner said. GM spent about $1,400 per vehicle on health last year, he added.

"Our foreign-based competitors have just a fraction of these costs because they have few retirees in this country and in their own country where the bulk of their people are, their governments pay a much greater proportion of their employee and retiree health-care costs," he said.
so at sum point ye gut to ast whuther twoodnt be better to give up our dogmatick blind faith in privutt innerprize n have a lil bleef in the empiricull method by lookin at whut wurks in other places. heres sum facks to thank bout on that topick (i caint git the lank to wurk, so do a google surch on "u.s. per capita health care costs" to find it, witch tiz the one name of "[PDF] The US Health Care System: Best in the World, or Just the Most ..."):
  1. costs per capita of u.s. vs top ten mos eggspensive other cuntries (1998, latest figgers i could find with charts n such, tho the situwayshun aint gut no better since then):
    • u.s. paid $4,178 per person fer health keer (13.6% of gdp)
    • switzerland paid $2,794 (10.4% of gdp)
    • norway: $2,425 (8.9% of gdp)
    • germany: $2,424 (10.6% of gdp)
    • canada: $2,312 (9.5% of gdp)
    • luxembourg: $2,215 (5.9% of gdp)
    • denmark: $2,133 (8.3% of gdp)
    • france: $2,077 (9.6% of gdp)
    • australia: $2,043 (8.5% of gdp)
    • japan: $1,822 (7.6% of gdp)
    • italy: $1,783 (8.4% of gdp)

  2. in access to helth keer, the u.s. is thonly developed cuntry besides south africa in the worl that dont provide it fer all our citizens

  3. infunt mortalty ratins: we rank 26th out of 26th top developed nashuns with a rate of 7.2 per 1,000 births, witch this number is much wurser fer sum groups than others bein moren twice as high fer black babies (14.3 per 1,000) as fer white (6.0 per 1,000); check the chart on thisn in the pdf file i lanked to -- tiz shockin we are ded last

  4. we rank 24th in disabilty adjusted life eggspecktuntcy
i add vise ye to read the hole thang. thays plenty more, but i bleeve the point has been made. on a counta how we bleeve that privutt innerprize is always bettern gummint no matter whut the facks shows, we gut the mos eggspensive system in the worl but we git the wurse keer of inny developed nashun.

corse, the big differnts is how them other developed cuntries has gut single-payer (nashunull) helth keer systems. in our cuntry, the publicans has dun cunvints jes a nuff folks to bleeve in the dogma n not pay no tenchun to the facks. no matter that ye gut heaps n heaps of exter privutt industry paper-shufflers, witch they cost moren gummint paper-shufflers on a counta ye gutta pay em n pay a lil profit fer gittin em to do thangs fer ye.

corse, the way them publicans runs the gummint cumpard to them dimcrats, ye kin see whar they git the idee that it dont wurk verr well.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

life of buddy don, chaptur 133: gittin a new job

by august emily wuz a'gittin wurried bout whut wuz we a'gone do to keep from goin broke, witch i hated to thank lack that n sed i figured twuz good i had the one freshmun english class n i could probly git lots of hours fer ritin lab n tuterin n such n we woodnt go hungry but ye couldnt satisfy her.

fer years we playd cards once a week with billy n lauren stewart, generly at our place on a counta how we dint have no car, but sumtimes billy wood pick us up. i saw lots of billy on a counta we played racketball ever nown then, so ye mite could say we wuz friends. he tole me i orta cunsidder a'wurkin whar he dun, witch i wood start with a lil salary n git more based on cummishun. corse ifn i couldnt sell i probly woodnt git to keep the job. twuz a temptayshun n i wuz thankful to have sum prospecks. i even held it out now n agin to emily as a way to proov we could make it.

truth wuz, i dint wont that job fer nuthin n dint wont no other job ceptn teachin n deep inside i figgerd we wood make it n mayhap i could git sumthin published n git a lot writ on a new novel. so i wuznt sayin yes n wuznt sayin no to billy n he unnerstood how i felt.

innywho, we had us a plan fer cards on a fridy n emily tole me she had ast lauren to see could billy git me a applicayshun fer that job n set up a innerview. she even sed i had deecided to take the job. i flew mad n i tole her i dint lack her a'doin that kinda thang behind my back n that twuz privut but she sed lauren alreddy knew everthang bout it innywho n she wuz jes trine to hep. she wuz near to tears, witch that could git me ever now n then but not ever time. ye git tired of them tears after a while n she could cry easy so twernt hardly fair since ye couldnt be shore ifn they wuz real or not. innywho, seemed to me lack they wuz real this time so i tuck my chair n patted my lap n she crawled up in toot n cried while i held her. she couldnt hep bein a skeerd thataway even ifn i couldnt git skeerd with her n that seemed lack the biggest insult i could give her. so i dint say nuthin but jes held her.

but my mind wuz blazin. mayhap she wuz rite. mayahp i wuznt takin thangs all that serius. i hadnt dun no lookin n hadnt even made shore i could work in the ritin lab nor ifn i could tutor neether. i dint thank nuthin bad wuz a'gone happen but i couldnt count on ever gittin a penny fer ritin so i had to be realistick. i felt lack i wuz late gittin started on a paper or sumthin. so i promissd her i wood go over that afternoon n get it set up. she wuz so touched that one thang led to a nuther till she wuz down to her flannel shirt n knee socks n a'astin me why dint i wate till the nex day.

nex day i made the rounds. turnt out i had to git docter walthers approoval fer wurkin in ritin lab n he give it but not till he give me a lil lectchur bout how twood be a waste of my talent n how i orta be teachin. i laffed n tole him he hadnt give me but the one class. he sed twuz the policy on a counta near ever graduwait student ends up trine to git a job at the last mint n whar else could they go? so they give as minny of em classes as they could. sum of em made it, sum of em dint. twuz verr lackly i wood make it n i could git a full lode -- four classes -- fer winter quarter. he leaned ford as ifn he had to keep it secret even tho twernt nobidy else thar n whisperd how he wood make shore i gut a full lode ifn he could. i whisperd a thankee n tole im i hoped to git it.

nex stop wuz the black cultchural center whar i found anthony n ast im did he thank i could tutor even ifn i wuznt a stoodent no more. he laffed n sed he hoped i woodnt fergit how n i laffed. then he sed he dint have nobidy a'needin it n woodnt know how minny he mite have till a few weeks into the quarter. but he wood call me whenever he gut one. i reckun he could see disappointment in my face or sumthin or mayhap he jes knew i woodnt be astin ifn i dint need wurk, so he ast me why i dint apply over to knoxvull collidge. i dint wonta add mitt how i dint even ritely know whut knoxvull collidge wuz. i had it confused with knoxvull bizness collidge n had tride a'goin thar fer a cuple weeks one time n knew twernt fer me. but to be plite i ast im did he have inny contacks thar. he smiled n tole me he had been a'hopin i wood cunsidder it n even planned to ast me bout it on a counta he knew they needed sumbidy. he give me a card with the name n number of a man name of gene streeter n tole me to call im fer a innerview. i stuck the card in my pocket n tole im i hoped to here frum im soon. we talked fer a bit bout whuther thay wood be a basketball team that year n sed we hoped so n he wood call me ifn thay wuz.

whenever i gut home i found emily in bed takin a nap, witch i knew that ment she had probly cride her eyes out. i knew ifn i wuz to wake her up n dint have real good news, twood be a evenin of holdin her while she wuz deepressed over how bad thangs wuz n that wood lead us rite to fussin n fitin on a counta how i dint thank thangs wuz that bad. if it hadnta been fer that, i doubt ifn i wooda called docter gene streeter, but i pulled the bedroom door closed n went out into the livin room n called im. he sed he could see me rite then n i ast im to give me a lil time to git reddy. ackshly, i had dun tuck a shower n gut reddy whenever i went over to campus. i dint have but the one suit n twuz the same one i had gut marrd in the furst time back in 1970. but the problem wuz figgern out whar twuz.

i give johnny mayhew a call n ast im did he know. he tole me he had herd of it but hadnt never been thar. mayhap twuz a bizness collidge downtown? i tole im i dint know fer sartin but thanked im jes the same.

then i called jake dawes n ast im ifn he knew n he tole me he dint wonta know. i ast im why n he laffed. 'You've *got* to be kidding me, doctor! Surely you are aware that it's just across the freeway ... in the black section of town?' i hadnt known it but dint add mitt it. in sted i ast im did he know eggzackly whar n he ast me why n i tole im i had a innerview n he laffed n tole me ifn i follerd 17th street under the freeway n dint git lost, i wood find it..

while i wuz wunderin whuther to call bud rankin the fone rang n twuz billy stewart astin did i wonta play racket ball. i tole im i wished it could but i had that innerview n dint even know whar the place wuz. i shoulda real eyesed how billy knew everplace thay wuz. he ast me could he give me a ride n i tole im i needed to git thar in twenty mints, witch he wuz out at a customer site in alcoa whenever he called so thay warnt no way he could git me thar in time. but he give me the die reckshuns n i rote em down.

then i called bud n ast im could he give me a ride n he sed, 'it would be my pleasure, doctor, and after you get the job, we can burn one to celebrate.' i ast im to meet me in frunt of the bildin n he wuz thar in fifteen mints n we gut to the collidge only a few mints late. twuz strate up 17th street to the end. then ye take a lil rite on ailer n a lef on college street n foller it up the hill till ye see the the white plaster of the gates to knoxvull collidge. we drove thru em n up the hill n tole the guard who we wuz n why we wuz thar n he tole us to foller the circle round to the colstun center fer the performin arts n we wood fine docter streeters offus in thar.

we tuck the slow ride round n wuz sprized at how small the place wuz. thay wuz a grass meadow lack area a lil smallern a football field circled by the rode with dorm bildins lined up long tuther side of the rode n the colstun center n more dorms. at the top of the yard wuz the student center n the 'caff' as everbidy called the cafetwria. i wood larn how the hole campus wuz called 'the yard' n ifn ye wuz on campus ye wuz 'on the yard.' everbidy me n bud seen wuz black n they stared at us till by time we gut parked n i wuz bout to git out, bud sed, 'you sure ye want to do this, doctor?

i laffed n sed twernt nuthin but fack is, i wuz a lil skeerd. i caint splain it but tiz true a nuff. i mite swell add mitt rite here that i cum to the yard loded with rong idees n prejudiss i dint know i had. my ignorunts of the black communty, as i wood cum to call it, wuz deepern i could mayshur. amung other thangs, lack i jes add mitted, i wuz afraid of black folk. taint lack inny of em had ever dun a thang to me, but i wuz a'skeerd jes the same. mayhap frum reedin histry n such i speckted ever black persun to be mad at ever white persun. i figgerd ifn i wuz born black, i mite could be mad my ownself whenever i red bout slavery n such.

taint lack i hadnt tride to git reddy, whuther on purpuss or not. last quarter of skool i needed one more class n seen that thay wuz a english class on the topick of black autobiogruffys. i figgerd twood eggspoze me to sumthin a lil differnt n kindly lack i had tuck classes in islam n hinduism n bhuddism n all, i figgerd i wood see ifn i couldnt git a lil dab of black cultchur with my degree. corse my choice met with sum resistunts on the staff. dint seem lack they give the perfesser, doctor greene, much respeck n he seemed lack he wuz angry all the time n mayhap he wuz. innywho, he tuck up fer me when i sed i wonted to take the class n even ast how could i go thru the canon n not know nuthin bout black murkin riters? so i gut the class n we red thangs lack The Autobiography of Frederick Douglas n The Big Sea n Richard Wright's Black Boy n The Autobiography of Malcolm X n The Narrative of Sojourner Truth n The Souls of Black Folk by W. E. B. Du Bois n The Autobiography of Booker T. Washington n sevrul otherns. he had im a grate reckommended readin list with lots of black authors i hadnt never herd much about lack zora neal hurston n james weldon johnson n minny a nuthern.

thay wuz luck atop that on a counta how the campus bookstore had em a used book sale out behind the student center with lodes of books fer a dime or a quarter. emily wuz drawn toot lack a bee ot a flower. she had dun noticed how i wuz a'readin all them black autobiogruffys n she figgerd i wood wont them books. so she gut a big ole box full of em n called me to cum hep her git em home. even tho i wuz mad bout her spendin money without astin me when she woodnt let me spend nun without astin her, i did wont the books so i went down n we hauled em back up n gut to goin thru em. i dint know then how handy they wuz a'gone be so i tuck em with a lil reluctunts but i dint say nuthin.

corse i had dun had me sum eggsperients in scarbro in oak ridge, witch i rote bout that back in chaptur 53: my furst time on the block. so twernt lack i hadnt never been amung black folk but i still had my lil fears n whenever bud stopped me n ast me the way he dun, i nearly dint go in. but then i laffed n sed i figgerd twood be all rite but ifn i dint cum out in three days to tell emily to send in the cavalry.

doctor streeter wuz a verr short man with gray hair n skin lack paper that looked lack it bruzed easy or mayhap twuz jes splotchy but ye could thank he had tuck a few licks round the hed n sholders. he paced back n forth whenever he started the innerview, a'tellin me that thangs wuznt a'gone grate with the skool. he wuz puffin on a pipe the hole time. walk, puff. talk. thay wuz questchuns bout whuther we wood git paid by the munth or after the quarter. walk, puff. but then he sed i woodnt half to wurry bout that nohow on a counta ifn i gut the possishun i woodnt git paid till the end of the quarter since only full time folks had a chants at the munthly check. walk, puff.

i jes stood thar, a lil in shock. wuz he trine to talk me out of the job? i hadnt red nuthin bout knoxvull collidge in the knoxvull news sentinull nor the journal neethur n even tho the collidges 'plite' wuz in the papers twuz on the back pages n i hadnt never noticed it.

walk, puff. he noticed the look on my face n sed he dint wonta kid me, thangs wuz grim. walk, puff. twer possibull that at the end of the quarter thay woodnt be no money n i had to know how twuz. walk, puff. 'in 1980 we had an enrollment of nearly 700. two years later, we're down to 300.' he could see thay wuz a questchun on my face n that made im laff. he ast me did i foller pall ticks? i add mitted i dint pay em much tentchun.

i finely ast im whuther they still wonted sumbidy fer the job n that musta reminded im that i wuz wontin to git innerviewed n fine out ifn i wuz a'gone git the job. he looked over my resume fer a lil n sed twuz impressive but why had i ever quit such a good job lack i had at union carbide? twernt easy to splain since he wuz verr wurried bout money, but after we talked fer bout a hour bout whut folks duz with thar lives, he ast me could i take two classes, freshman comp 101 n 102.

i tole im i wood be honord to have em n he laffed n sed, 'if you can get the 101 students to get their subjects and verbs to match, you can pass them. the 102s are a little more difficult since they have to do some research and even use footnotes,' witch that made im laff. walk, puff. silence.

i wunderd ifn the innerview wuz over but he wuz litin his pipe so i waited till he had dun it n ast im could i ast more of my students than matchin thar subjecks n verbs?

'depends on how minny times ye wonta see im a'takin the same class.' he laffed. walk, puff. he came up closer and said, 'don't mind me. i'm feeling cynical at the moment because of the news. you can push these kids just as hard as you would like. the harder, the better. but you should be realistic.' corse, i hadnt never been verr good bout bein realistick, but i dint tell im that.

me n bud drove back over to campus to park his car. we walked down to tysons park n found our spot n burnt one n talked bout the futchur. bud had im a job at swans sunbeam bakery n he figgerd it could be verr innerestin n mite give im a lotta grist fer the mill. we laffed. then we talked bout how thangs wuz a'gone with ginny, witch they wuznt a'gone nowhar at the moment on a counta her bein up in newport news virginny a'visitin her folks n fack is, she wuz on a leave of absents frum the tennessee department of soshul services n had sorta kindly moved back home.

once i gut home i woke up emily n tole her the news, witch i speckted her to be happy but she wudnt. she dint thank two classes wuz a nuff. she hated the idee of not gittin paid till januwairy, witch i had lied n tole her that wuz 100% assured long as the world dont end or a ack of god happen or sumthin. but she wuz still upset on a counta johnny had called to say he thought he could git me on at tva. i tole her i preciated it but i wuznt a'gone wurk at no tva ifn i could wurk teachin. that made her mad on a counta she figgerd i wuz trine to settle fer three quarters of a lode n how wuz we spozed to pay bills till the quarter wuz over? whut about christmus? woodnt i at lease find out whut the tva job wuz a'payin?

jes then the fone rung n twuz dr streeter. he wonted to know could it take a nuther class n i ast whut twuz it n he sed basick grammer. 'and i mean basic, as in recognizing the verb, recognizing the subject and working your way up from there.' by this time, emily had dun sussed out whut i wuz bein ast n deespite herself, she wuz a lil eggcited. mayhap thangs wood wurk out after all. i tole docter streeter i wood take the grammer class but that i wood have to have it on mundys windsdys n fridys lack my other classes on a counta teachin a tuesdy thursdy at utk. he tole me i had it.

fer a mint she wuz happy n we kissed n made up n walked down tords laurel avenue market to git sum steaks to celebrate. but befor we gut home, she had her a new wurry: how wuz i a'gone git back n forth to skool? we dint have no money fer no car. i had a moment whenever i wuz so tired of havin to try to justify why i could bleeve thangs wuz a'gone wurk out that i wuz tempted to say she could pick out a job fer me to take or inny other thang she wonted ifn she could jes stop a'wurryin. i wood do whutever. in sted she jes stopped whar she wuz. i could see the tears a'gathrin, so i set the grossries down n tuck her in my arms n putt her hed no my sholders n used the soothin voice of a mama n sed, 'thar, thar, dont ye wurry nun. i dun figgerd out how to git to wurk: ima gone walk. twill be good fer me.' i kissed her hed. 'n i wood walk to georgy n back fer ye, so dont ye wurry nun. taint that far.'

but that set her off agin on a counta twernt the distunts she wuz wurried bout. i tole her she shouldnt let her prejudices blind her, as ifn mine wernt a'blindin me! but i wuz too mad to thank bout my own incunsistencies. in sted i picked up them grossries n walked off. i never looked back once to see did she foller me.

Friday, April 08, 2005

life of buddy don, chaptur 132: a changin of the friends

i dun menchuned lots bout how johnny mayhew changed my life, witch thays more to cum on that, but a nuther way he had a influents wuz how he wuz a'datin this beeyootifull woman name of martha townsend whenever we met n he tuck her to group the furst time he cum. quick as they met, martha n emily made friends. martha wuz eager to tell ye she wuznt no real riter but ever now n then she wood brang sumthin to read. as ye mite speck, she hit paydirt as often as innybidy did. she n johnny dint stay together long, but since she lived in the same buildin as us, emily gut to whar she wood hang out with martha to the point i wood cum home n know to call martha to find out whar emily wuz. lack as not, emily wood anser the phone.

fer the most part, martha wuz a grate influents on emily. she had two children, one by her furst n tuthern by her secunt husbin, so she dint have no fear of havin kids, witch that wuz the issue twixt emily n me by the time the group wuz really a'goin good. martha poopood all emilys talk bout how awful twood be to be a mother n nobidy couldnt say nuthin bout martha not bein beeyootifull. she had that odd combinayshun of verr dark blue eyes n black hair that kindly put ye in mind of liz taylor. n she had one crooked tooth in front lack ali mcgraw, witch that seemed to make her smile seem almos lack a blush.

corse twuz whut happens to a womans bidy that wurried emily, n fack is, ye couldnt tell martha'd ever had no babies on a counta how thin her waste wuz n how her hips warnt all that broad. she lacked to wear hi heels n had a pidgen toed way of walkin, witch the combinayshun made her beehind stand up n move in such a compellin way to whar i ast emily to cunsidder gittin sum hi heels her ownself (emily sed she wood stick with earth shoes). martha lacked to joke bout how small her chest wuz but ye could see whenver she wuz a doon it how she wuz a'showin off her flat belly. as johnny lacked to joke, she wuz 'one sexy mother'. even emily could see that, so i figgerd thay wuz lots of hope fer emily n me to start a fambly.

seemed lack our sex life gut better after emily n martha becum friends too. martha gut emily to unnerstan fer a lil while how it mite please a man fer her to cum to bed dressd in sumthin sides knee socks n a flannel shirt with a underwired bra on underneath it. n not long after emily met martha she ast me wood i tie her up n tease her, witch ye mite could magine how that wood be my pleashore n twuz a grate pleashore fer bofus. but the way emily lacked to carry on bout the penis bein a weppon n all, i dint lack to suggest nuthin all that confinin. so twuz not only a pleashore but a sprize to find out she wonted sumthin lack that. she also started usin lots of nasty wurds in bed n beggin me to do thangs n gittin me to make her beg more befor i wood do em even tho she knew i wuz a'wontin to. i ast her one time when i had her beggin almos fer mercy, wuz this a nuther thang martha had suggested? n she blushed but sed yes n when i kep on, astin her bout when she cum to bed with nuthin but her pink dress, wuz it marthas idee? n i kep on astin her thangs bout martha till she melted in pleashore. after that, martha n i wood kindly flirt at group bout whut a sexy babe a sartin lady wuz a'gittin to be. emily wood blush n ast us to hush, witch that made it more fun n martha wood laff till emily slapped at her hand.

but whut martha lackly dint know wuz how emily had a crush on her to whar she wood beg me to tell her a story that had martha in it. emily lacked fer me to whisper sexy stories in her ear as we wuz a'lyin together, so when she ast fer a story with martha in it, i tuck the chants to eggsplore all kindsa fantasies mos inny man has bout havin sex with two women at the same time. i aint claimin tiz a sensibull or moral or even possibull thang but fantasies aint ackshuns n them stories wood show me kindly whut emily lacked.

her favert story wuz fer martha to visit fer coffee n a chat n fer them to sit on the couch till they touched a lil till martha finely kissd her ever so gently n fer thangs to progress to whar thays passin thurd base a'headin fer home at the eggzack moment when i wood cum in n catch em. n i mite be mad or upset but dint matter on a counta how i wood be be too eggcited to git upset bout it n next thang ye know, ever fantasy ye kin magine wood cum true, lease as a fantasy. i even tole her one whar martha wood cum over to our place when i wuz thonly one home n deecide to wait fer emily to git home n then cum on to me (witch to be honest that wuz a fantasy fer ever man in the group) n then fer emily to open the door n see us in the ack on the couch only have us not notice till she joins us. durin the years of the group, such a thang nearly happent twice n bof times virgil wuz the shadow that fell twixt the idee n the reality.

furst time thay wuz a halloween party over at billy n laurens stewarts. everbidy wuz speckted to dress up in a costume n martha deecided i wood go as a witch n she n emily wood go as warlocks. she had found a witches mask that ye put over yer entire head sos nobidy could tell who ye wuz. she cum up to hep us all git reddy she had this mexicun peasunt dress fer me to wear with a pair of pantyhose underneath on a counta how ye could see right through the dress. i tole her i dint know ifn that wood be a nuff, but they laffed. then she putt a see thru blouse on n they bofem laffed n laffed at how ye could see my nipples but woodnt nobidy keer ceptn ifn folks thought i wuz a woman, witch with me a'wearin that mask, how could ye be shor? emily wonderd wood i git arrested ifn a cop saw me? so they give me a shawl to wear with it. then they put on suits, emily a'wearin thonly one i had at the time. martha had one lef over frum one of her marrgs n she had made a cuple black capes with red linin. thang wuz, martha n emily wuz sexiern ever the way they filled out them suits, witch mayhap that wuz on a counta how martha made em bof wear hi heeled shoes. emily cumplaind she could barly walk in em n martha sed thats whut makes em so sexy: looks lack ye caint git away. i dint have no womens shoes that fit, so i wore sum tennis shoes with socks.

whut a nite that wuz. i wuz a sinsayshun fer the longest on a counta how nobidy couldnt figger out who i wuz till johnny mayhew noticed my shoes n hollerd out 'its the docter!' how thay laffed n made fun of me oncet they knew twuz i. seem lack ever woman at that party tuck the chants to pinch me or lif up my skirt or make comments to give me a lil taste of how men has treated them over the years n i couldnt say much bout it no how. corse nobidy give me more of it than emily n martha, witch they spent much of the party on either side of me a trine to git me all eggcited by whisperin thangs in my ears to whar i shore we wuz destined to wurk a lil magick, two warlocks on one witch or vice versa.

i wont bore ye with everthang bout that party but by the time twuz over, virgil had dun gut hisself fallin down drunk so thay wuznt nuthin else to do but lode im into the back seat of marthas car fer the drive back to the laurel marrd students apartments. martha ast me wood i drive n she n emily sat up frunt with me. i wuz a lil sprized whenever martha sat nex to me. she n emily wuz teasin me n playin lack they wuz luvers, eethur tendin lack lack they wuz kissin or mayhap ackshly kissin. they wood play lack that fer a bit while i tried to watch outta the corner of my eye n then martha wood turn back my way n putt her arm roun my waste or a lil lower n give me a lil kiss on the ear n squeeze my thigh till i cried out in pain n then they wood laff n ast me whut wood a lil witch lack me have neath that skirt? twuz one of the sexiest drives i ever had n twuz magick wurthy of a real witch that we made it without crashin the car, but we did.

virgil wuz snorin n slobberin on the back seat, so i suggested we leave im thar. we closed the doors as quitely as we could n tuck a cuple of steps. emily pinched me till i hollerd n then martha cum up to kiss my ear only i turnt by chants but jes in time fer her mouth to find mine n quick as ye could blank yer eye we wuz kissin n emilys hands wuz eggsplorin neath that mexicun skirt n martha wuz lettin her hand slip down till i felt her touch me whar she shouldnt. twuz verr stimulatin n i wuz a skeerd emily mite not lack it till i felt her hand take marthas n push it even harder. i turned tords emily n she kissed me n then spun me tords martha n she kissed me even harder as she squeezed me near to burstin n lifted my hand to her breast.

alla sudden virgil hollerd, 'wha?!?' i couldnta sed it no better lessn i wuz sayin sumthin wurser. i wuz cursin him neath my breath, but thay wuznt nuthin could be dun on a counta how virgil started to vomit n frum that moment on twuz a matter of gittin virgil under cuntrol, witch we dun whenever we made im do: wash his face n brush his teeth n drank sum water n git on the couch. he fell flat on his back into a snore. by then, martha had gone home n even tho thay wuz a fone calls wurth of hope twixt emily n martha, dint nuthin cum of it ceptn fer a verr hot time with emily as i whisperd the story bout whut mite a'been.

tuther time happened down at the lake whar mark kendall had a a'frame house n a pool. he wuz a poet who wuz also a rich lawyer n he gut to cummin to the group on a counta how martha had wurked fer im sum years ago n they run into each out at the west town mall n she mentchuned this grate group n nex thang ye know ever man is intimidated by this feller that makes all the women swoon, emily included. he had im a grate voice n had larnt how to use it in a cort room n he also writ sum fine poetry far as we could tell cept how the joke wuz folks wunderd ifn the fone book wood sound lack a good poem ifn he wuz a'readin it.

innnywho, mark wuz a huge fan of the forth of july n had im a party ever year. once he gut to be a reglar reader at the group, he invited all his friends, witch turnt out we wuz all folks that had been to the group one time or a nuther. i wuz verr proud how emily wore a bikini n all the fellers wuz sprized on a counta how they hadnt never seen her in nuthin but blue jeans and flannel shirts n earth shoes. johnny mayhew started makin jokes bout how she woodnt never have to suffer no 'deprivashun of eggcitayshun' ifn innythang ever happend to buddy don, witch did she wont sumthin to happen? everbidy wuz laffin n she wuz flushed n embarassed. corse, that all changed after she n martha gut to drankin.

happend thisaway. virgil had cum to that party as ye mite magine n he made a bet with martha n emily bout drankin. twuznt a sprize fer virgil to suggest a game whar ye had to drank to win but twuz a sprize how martha cunvintsed emily to take the bet. virgil wonted me to play also, but i never much lacked drankin beer n i wuz drivin, so i dint. but he did n so did martha n emily. i acted as timer.

twuz a simple bet: he bet em they couldnt drank one shot of beer a minute fer thirty mints n he could. twuz lots of fun watchin emily git so loose. the sprize wuz how after johnny mayhew had tuck over the timin he kep rite on a'goin even after they had dun made thar thirty mints n virgil gut distrackted whenever billy stewart ast him dint he have a inventchun to increase gas mileage? so they beat virgil witch that made everbidy laff, but lease they quit drankin.

virgil dint n by the time the party wuz over, the situation wuz near the same: we wuz feelin loosey goosey n virgil wuz passd out drunk. if innythang, we gut closer to makin the fantasy real this time on a counta how we knew whut we wonted even ifn we aint never sed nuthin bout it. corse, we wuz engagin in sum scandlus flirtin at that party n even touchin, speshly durin slow dances whar they wuz bof a'dancin with me. we drove keerful with a lil kissin n touchin but no talkin. we wuz verr quite gittin outta the car. we left virgil snorin in the back n dint stop to do nuthin in the parkin garage. gut upstairs n emily n martha deecided they wood take a shower. together. n martha sed she had brought sumthin more cumfterbull fer em to whar whenever they cum out. she held up sum frilly thangs ye could see thru only i hardly gut a look. i dint need no more! they teased me by sayin i could look at a gurly magazine while i wuz a'waitin my turn fer the shower.

they wuz back in our bedroom a'gittin undressd whenever a loud knock cum on the door. that meant virgil. i wuz tempted to let im knock but he kep gittin louder, witch i went back n hollerd to emily how i wuz a'gone drive virgil home. i dint even let im cum in to pee n made im doot behind a bush on the lawn. ye kin magine how i felt. it tuck near two hours to drive im to clinton in finely git im outta the car, witch i left im in a broke rockin chair on the porch. whenever i gut home, emily wuz asleep. i wuz eggcited but she sed she wuz tired n wonderd wood i turn the evenin into a story nex time we lay together? twuz clear she wuznt in no mood fer nothin so i outlined the plot of that story in my mind n give myself that familyer handshake till i wuz reddy to sleep my ownself.

later the nex day, i tole her that story, makin the problem of the story how i dint git home till twuz too late n how martha n emily tuck thar showers n putt on thar sexy nightgowns n how they deecided to have a nuther lil drank n then a lil music n then mayhap a lil dancin n the feel of the soft gowns n all led em back to the couch n deescribin in deetail how they figgerd twood be eggcitin ifn they wuz in the ack whenever i walked in. only in the story, i dint make it till they wuz dun n martha had gone home. that story had emily squirmin frum the moment i deescribed the feel of that lingerie durin the dance. mayhap she wuz waitin fer the part whar i cum in an sprize em, but i never gut to that part befor we wuz bof half dozin afterds. as i wuz bout to drift off, i thought to ast wuz that story i made true, but she kissed me n tuck my hand n rolled over, pullin me with her so i dint say nuthin.

innywho, that wuz martha townsend n i half to add mitt, i wish emily hadnt never let that friendship end. i caint say whuther sumthin happend twixt emily n martha, but seem lack once martha had her a new boyfriend, thay wuznt time fer them to sit n talk n take thar runs. but twuz a lil moren that. emily jes dint seem lack she wonted to make time fer martha, witch far as i could see, martha wuz still innerested in keepin emily fer a friend.

thang wuz, emily always claimd she wuznt good fer friendship on a counta how she wuz a loner n used to bein alone, witch tiz true she spent most of her life a'sittin on a chair, a'pullin on her hair, smokin her marlboros n sippin her tea (all but the las sip). she tole me thay wuz a club whenever she wuz in junyer hi skool that wuz dedicated to hatin her. emily. twuz a sore point twixt us on a counta that dint sound bleevabull to me. seems to me lack folks is more innerested in thar ownself than innybidy else n twuz a stretch to thank a hole club could focus inny attenchun on jes one person. but whenever i sed that, she wood fly into a fit n accuse me of not luvin her on a counta ifn i did, i wood bleeve innythang she claimd. but that wood jes git me a'goin more on a counta i dint thank twuz luv to pertend to bleeve sumthin that ye dint bleeve jes on a counta how sumbidy ye luv bleeves it. tiz better to be hones on a counta folks is rong more often than they wood add mitt.

thay wuz lots of fussin n fitin a'goin on in the duncan household round then on a counta how i wuz bout to graduwait. the plan whar i wooda dun started makin a nuff money in royaties fer ritin wuznt wurkin out. i wuz gittin me a lil pile of rejeckshun notices, witch that counted fer sumthin in emilys eyes, but dint pay no bills n ifn thays innythang emily couldnt take, twuz not knowin whar our next check wuz a'cummin frum. dint matter nun how much we had saved up while we wuz a'wurkin our way thru graduwait skool. fer her, twuz a crisis: whut wuz we a'gone do?

whut i wonted wuz fer us to go sumwhars else. she wuz one year into her phd program, but even her majur professers wuz add visin her how she orta go sumwhars else fer her thurd degree. tiz hard a nuff to find a 'tenure track possishun' when ye gut plenty of contacks in the educayshun bizness, but tiz even harder when ye gut three degrees frum a state university. thay wuz a'tellin her she could git into to chicago or emory or mayhap even stanford. twooda suited me fine ifn we went to one of them places. i figgerd i could git a job of sum kind, flippin burgers if nuthin else. she had nuthin but strate a marks, had dun reasurch in west germany, could speak n read german n a lil french, had writ a purty good masters thesis, and wood git nuthin but the bes referentses frum her profs, so they figgerd mane problem wuz figgern out whar twood be bes fer her to git her nex degree.

as fer me, i wuz wontin to travel agin, see sumthin new. i wunderd did emily really wonta git her phd or wuz it jes the easiest path to take frum whar she wuz. whut ifn we wuz to give up ackademe all together n finely go to new york city, witch i had been talkin bout that frum whenever i wuz with darlene n twuz one of the thangs she dint lack bout me on a counta i wood say sumday i wood half to live in man hattan fer at lease two years. n whenever susannah n i went i knew twuz a place i had to be fer lease a lil while.

but emily wuz skeerd of trine innythang that she dint know n minny wuz the evenins ruint by fussin n fitin over whut wuz we a'gone do nex. ifn i wuz a'gone stay with emily, then thonly choice wuz to stay in knoxvull n that meant i had to figger whut i wuz a'gone do to earn my half of whut we needed to pay our bills. i dint even have my resumé dun whenever docter alexander ast me dint i plan on teachin at the university? i tole im i dint know twuz a opshun but he sed they wuz always in need of teachers fer freshman english n i should go talk to docter whatley, witch he wuz hed of the freshman ritin program. i had dun tuck classes frum docter whatley n he had even ast me did i wont rite a ritin book together with im. i orta dun it, but i tole im i wonted only to rite fickshun n he sed he could respeck that. even so it seemd lack he wudnt too happy bout it. mayhap thats why he give me a grate welcum whenever i applied to teach but only give me the one class. twernt a nuff to live on but i tuck in innyway. n that turnt into a nuther reason fer fussin n fitin bout the futchur.

round that time, bud rankin n his wife ginny gut to whar thar marrg wuz a'dyin n he wonted to talk to sumbidy that had eggsperients with deevorce n that tuck us frum bein lanked together at the group to bein better friens. till then twuz ok fer him to be friends with jake dawes n fer me to hang out with johnny mayhew, but jake dint wonta do nuthin but make jokes bout how twuz time fer bud to git shed of ginny befor she smoked n drunk herself to death, witch she wuz the smokinest person next to emily n daddy i ever met n fack wuz, ye dint see her verr often without a can of budweiser in her hand.

we knew sumthin wuz up whenever she dint cum to the 4th of july party at mark kendalls a frame by the lake n nex thang i know buds callin to ast, 'docter, how bout we take us a walk n burn one?' witch thats how bud used to ast ye did ye wonta git hi. by then he had dun figgerd how i had truble gittin inny of thevil weed even ifn twuz purty clear how i lacked it, witch the problem wuz how emily figgerd twuz a waste of money n that led to her sayin she wood quit smokin ifn i wood n i sed i wood quit trine to buy inny of thevil weed whenever she quit buyin marlboros but befor eethur one of us gut to quittin, her mama maureen wood cum into town fer a visit or we wood git to looseburg fer one n maureen never failed to give emily a carton of marlboros n $20 to me jes fer my 'kinda tubacka.' but thang wuz still how we dint have much money fer buyin no reefer n everbidy knew it. mos folks seem lack they lacked heppin me out -- randy fox n johnny mayhew bein the mane ones -- but bud wood always brang a number or two n never once cumplaind bout how i dint brang nuthin my ownself. point is, whenever he ast me did i wonta take a walk n burn one, he alreddy knew the anser.

so thats how we gut to be better friens than we wuz befor. he even started a'wurkin out with me n johnny, witch johnny dint seem to lack bud much but he tolerated im. bud wuz ritin a big novel bout veetnam long bout then n ever time we gut together to wurk out, bud wood tell us how minny pages he had dun writ n the number wuz increasin so fast to whar johnny wood make fun of im. thay mite joust a bit, but twood end whenever johnny sed, 'yeah, but thang bout the docter is ye jes know hes a'gone make it.' corse that made it sound lack bud rankin wuznt a'gone to, but he made it into a joke n i dint hardly know whut to say on a counta how up to then i had only been paid in rejeckshun notices.

but thays sumthin bout havin a thang lack deevorce in common that makes it to whar ye gut thangs to talk bout that other folks caint git in on n that meant me n bud wood take long walks round campus or over to tyson park to find a place whar we could sit in peace n burn one n talk bout all the thangs that makes it whar a man n a woman caint live together no more even ifn they had vowed to stick together thru thick n thin n even graduwait skool till death dun em part. n that meant i gut to hear mos of buds story n even buds theory bout hatin sumbidy. he sed ye couldnt ritely hate nobidy once ye knew thar story with jes a few eggcepshuns lack hitler n stalin n charlie manson n such. he had hated one of our perfessers fer the longest till he herd bout how the perfesser wuz beat near dead fer bein gay n ever after that bud wood say how he wished he hadnt larnt that on a counta how he lacked hatin that perfesser.

corse once emily larnt how me n bud wuz discussin his maritull problems she gut to worryin that twood make us have em too, witch i joked bout how we seemed to be purty good at havin em all on our own only she dint laff much.

twuz round then that emily gut her a new friend name of millicent travers bohr, witch furst thang she sed to me whenever i met her wuz dont call her milly fer nuthin on a counta her name wuz millicent. once emily had made friends with millicent, she dint have no time fer martha no more n even tho we wuz a'livin in the same buildin n martha wuz datin the feller that lived jes cross the hall frum us, seem lack we never saw her much after that. but emily n millicent wuz a nuther matter. fer one thang, millicent wuz a'studyin histry n near to gittin her b.a. deegree n purty soon wood be cummencin graduwait skool her ownself.

i kindly hate thankin back on millicent on a counta i caint thank of minny people i ever met that rubbed me the rong way to the eggstint she dun me. mayhap twuz the way she smoked so much, lease as much as ginny or emily. mayhap twuz her way of fillin her conversayshun with comments bout how this person wuz stoopid n thatn wuz corse n tuthern wuz over reachin hisself. mayhap twuz how she hated the idee of motherhood. mayhap twuz how she wuz as opposit frum martha townsend as ye could git, as lifeless n dride up a human as ye kin magine. thay wuznt no way she wood have emily ever thankin bout havin a child. mayhap twuz everthang thar wuz bout her. i couldnt ritely say much bout that to emily so it becum a nuther topick fer bud rankin n me to go over. turnt out he had a even stronger reackshun to millicent n once he had met her, he never wonted to see her no more.

twuz hard to say whut twuz bout her that gut under my skin. she wuz beeyootiful, kindly lack a china doll with perfeck skin that coulda been made frum fine porcelun. he skin wuz so thin ye could see the veins runnin long her temples n ye had to add mitt how twuz purty, but still... she wuz verr tiny, witch i figger she couldnt weigh even a hunnert pounds soakin wet. she had the thinnest hips i ever saw on innybidy that wuznt a yungun n i reckun we gut off to the rong start on a counta how her n emily set up a game of scrabble fer her n her husbin n us to play. we gut thar befor he wuz home n furst thang she sed to me wuz. 'the ole bore aint home yet.' she gut to laffin quick as she sed it but i dint git the joke n i reckon she could see that on my face, so she sed, 'his name is willy bohr' n then after a lil paws sed, 'n the anser is, yes he will.' whenever i ast 'he will whut?' she sed she figgerd me n him wood git along jes fine. then she looked at emily n laffed so loud that emily joind in. i had gut the joke but still dint thank twuz funny but i reckon she dint git my joke (or lack it) inny bettern i had dun hers.

millicents mane topick of conversayshun wuz how she couldnt never have no children on a counta her hips wuz too tiny fer the hed of a chile to git thru n how willy bohr luved her so much to whar he had gut hisself fixed. she sed she wuznt all that eggcited bout sex innyway, but lease not havin to take no pills nor use no diafram or cundum made it a lil more tolerbull.

twuz the las kinda friend emily needed but she wood argue bud wuz the last kinda friend i should have on a counta i woodnt never quit smokin reefer while i wuz his friend, witch i sed the same wuz true bout millicent n not havin babies. she would holler bout how i orta unnerstan how she felt. sides that, she reminded me how i dint even lack bud rankin whenever i furst me im n i add mitted twuz so but i had changed my pinion on a counta how i had gut to know him better n how he had wurked so hard on his ritin n i respeckted that. she had to add mitt he had improved, but she figgerd he still wuznt much good. 'he aint on yer level, bud.' she knew i hated that talk bout folks bein on differnt levels n i couldnt hold back the comment that i figgerd she had picked up that level bizness frum millicent.

she jes sed i woodnt never unnerstand how she wuz glad she finely had a friend that unnerstood her fears.

'whut fears?' i herd myself ast, knowin twuz the questchun of a fool.

'of gittin pregnunt n havin yer baby.'

seem lack thonly thang i herd wuz 'havin yer baby,' witch that made me wonta ast ifn she wood have sumbidy elses baby but befor i could say nuthin bout that, emily sed she dint never wonta have no babies n i needed to git that thru my thick skull. i wooda anserd back, but millicent called rite then n whenever i herd her lil voice astin ifn my better half wuz thar, i sed she wuz n handed the fone to emily. whenever she tuck it n spoke into it as sweet as ye kin, 'millicent! yew must have e.s.p. i wuz jes thankin boutcha,' i flew mad to whar i had to take a walk. i dint say goodbye nor nuthin, but jes walked out n tole myself i wuz jes a'gone walk off my anger, but my feet tuck me strate to mcclung tower whar twuznt no sprize to find bud rankin drankin a cup of coffee n ritin in a notebook.

quick as he saw me he hollerd out, 'hey docter' n waved me over. 'ye wonta go burn one?' he whisperd. twuz jes whut i wonted n ifn i had give it much thought, i mite coulda noticed how i had more in common with bud rankin than i dun with emily dickenson smith duncan.