Thursday, March 31, 2005

ramblins of buddy don: this n that

ifn ye foller this lank, ye kin read whuts by far the bes thang that has yet been writ bout that case in florida.

in sum cuntries, folks has been known to be 'disappeard' without a trace, witch that means they git swallerd up by a gummint that dont respeck human rights.

ye woodnt git that ifn yer cuntry wuz run by laws n not the whims of men, witch thats how we know it caint happen here (n also why we gut to send em over thar).

ye gut to perteck yer cuntry on a counta who knows? sum of them folks that gits locked up mite could be guilty (as hi as 30%!).

n even ifn thay aint, kin we afford to take chantses jes on a counta sum 18th centry librul idees bout human rights?

aint no way that kinda thang could happen here, tho, on a counta how we gut free speech n folks kin let thar feelins be knowd without gittin kicked out of events paid fer by thar tax dollars (or am i confusin thangs by thankin we still bleeve all that stuff bout free speech?).

thank goodness we dun enterd a era of persunal responsibilty whar folks is held accountabull fer thar ackshuns (agin, i gut to wunder: have i woke up in the rong cuntry?).

but a nuff of fun n idle chit chat, lets git to sumthin importunt: did ye know that thay wuz jes seven basick plots to all stories?

back whenever i wuz in collidge, john gardner cum to utk to give a talk whar he claimed thay wuznt but two basick plots:
  1. stranger cums to town
  2. boy takes a journey
ye kin make mos plots fit into thatn, but longs the topick is plots, thays a nuther counter of story items name of georges polti who writ a book claimin thays 36 dramatick situwayshuns.

corse, nuthin spices up a plot lack god (n hollywood)!

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

treetment of buddy don: migraine progress report

ever time thangs is gettin ruff with migraines, i tend to bellyache bout it up in this here blog, so the lease i kin do is let ye know whenever thangs is a'goin good, witch they is.

las time i went to see frank butler, the ackupunkchurist, he tole me i wuz doin so good that i woodnt need to see im agin till april 12. also, i only half to drank half as much of them erbs each mornin so long as i dont git no more migraine symptums. so far, so good. tiz nice to know this thang mite have a end of sum kind, that i could git 'better' n not look ford to a life of migraines.

meanwhile, tuther docter name of docter mauskop give me a subscripshun fer syringes n sum medicin that makes ye quit a'vomitin ... n more zomig. so ifn i git a nuther migraine, i orta not suffer so. as frank butler tole me the furst time i seen im, tradishunull chinese medicin aint fer treetin symptums but fer gittin rid of the problem. so with medicull tradishuns from east n west a'wurkin together, bof sides is coverd: western medicin fer symptums, eastern fer the cawze. ye mite call it the bes of bof worls.

dissatisfackshun of buddy don: chaptur 131 dint wurk!

thays a sayin that i dun menchuned at lease once, witch tiz that thay aint no such thang as ritin, only reritin. innybidy that has writ much of innythang knows bout that, witch tiz whut makes it possibull to rite atall for mos of us. ye caint cum out with a masterpiece on the furst draft. once ye ackcept that, then tiz easier to rite that furst draft on a counta how ye know ye kin rerite it n fix it. thays a number of such chapturs so far.

but tiz also the case that sum chapturs ye rite wont even surve as ruff drafts on a counta how they jes dont wurk! the chaptur i posted yesterdy wuz such a one, witch whut happend with thatn leads me to the nex sayin bout ritin: ritin is a cognituv ack.

in other wurds, ye larn thangs frum trine to rite sumthin down. ye mite could thank that ye gut to know thangs furst n then rite em, but taint always so. whut i set out to rite bout in the last chaptur dint git but a few paragraffs at the end. in sted seem lack thay wuz a bunch of thangs i had fergut bout that wonted to cum out n by the time i had to post n go to wurk, i dint have no chants to sort em all out. so im a'strikin that chaptur n hopin to finish sum of it by makin it into two or mayhap even three chapturs.

ye dun herd the sayin, 'live n larn,' but thays a nuthern ye mite lack: 'rite n larn.'

Monday, March 28, 2005

life of buddy don, chaptur 131: rise n fall of the group

[Note from the author: My apologies for repeating the first part of this chapter, which was originally posted on March 15, 2005. It seemed to make more sense to keep it all together. You might also notice that I change the title.

I would also like to warn readers one last time that this chapter has some adult situations, so to speak, so if reading that kind of thing bothers you, please do not read it!

Thanks, The Author]
lookin back on the sprang n summer of 1982, tiz easy to see now whut i couldnt see then, witch thats how twuz the verr end of life as i had cum to know it since quittin carbide. up till then, even ifn i wuz a'goin to collidge, i wuz still a'wurkin in the real worl, witch the way sum of them graduwait students sed the wurds 'real worl' ye mite could thank they wuz talkin bout one of the lower rungs of hell. but after i quit carbide, i wuz in ackadeem n twuz a hole nuther way of livin.

thang is, i wuz jes a'gittin the swang of it n dint know i wuz in the best part of it n twuz about to end much quicker i coulda thought. even ifn i wuz a'studyin grate literchur lack nobidys bizness, i wuznt thankin much bout nuthin that really matterd, thangs lack whut wuz i a'gone do to git money after i graduwaited? that shouda been the mane topick of everbidys conversayshun durin them munths on a counta we wuz mosly all fixin to git our degrees n after that, ifn we dint wonta git to wurk on a docterut, we wood half to git jobs.

twuz easy to magine that ye coulda published a few stories or mayhap gut a novel writ while ye wuz a'goin to grad school n on that plan, ye mite could thank whenever ye cum out, ye wood be gittin royalties of sum kind or mayhap ye could say ye had dun showed promiss n orta be hepped out to git a'goin. twuz speshly so fer the mane two writers in the group, witch by mane two i mean the two that ye could count on to brang sumthin to read ever week, witch that wuz me n bud rankin.

i speck we bofus figgerd we wood half to be published befor we finished our masters n whenever we dun graduwaited we wood kindly live a life at home, purty much lack we wuz a'doon only without all them classes. twuz easy to magine how we wood write novels n git paid royalties n live well n mayhap after a while our wives could quit wurkin or goin to school or whutever.

lease i half to add mitt i wuz a'feelin thataway. i had dun writ a novel n durin the furst nine munths of 1982 i writ a slew of stories, a'writin new sumthin new ever week. i had jes finishd readin crap notes n red 'the witness,' witch whenver i writ thatn i thought twuz the bes i had ever dun but when i red it to the group, twuz embarrassin. so i started wurkin on short stories n twixt the meetin of januwairy 22 n the meetin of august 20, i had me a stretch whar mos everthang i writ wuz cheered on by the group:
1/22/82: 'A Difficult Departure'
1/29/82: 'The Works'
2/5/82: read poetry
2/12/82: 'Big Wheels Roll'
2/19/82: 'Slave of Desire'
2/26/82: 'Burned'
3/5/82: 'The Inspector' (dun lost thatn)
3/12/82: read poetry
3/19/82: 'The Bobbing Nose'
3/26/82: 'Stick It!' (lost, but i writ a chaptur on the same topick in life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly)
4/2/82: 'Blind Sales'
4/9/82: 'The Mulberry Tree' (nuthern i dun lost)
4/16/82: 'Cleaning Up'
4/23/82: 'Savage Romance'
4/30/82: 'Hooks'
5/7/82: 'Entertainment for Men' (lost)
5/14/82: 'Revenge on a Hot Afternoon'
5/21/82: (dint attend on a counta gittin reddy fer my oral eggzams)
5/28/82: 'The Goat' (found but not good a nuff to leave up on the site)
6/4/82 -- 7/2/82: Meetings wuz sketchy fer a lil while on a counta summer vacayshun
7/9/82: 'Scattered Afternoon Showers'
7/16/82: 'Beyond Tijuana,' a poem writ bout the group, witch it splains a lot bout the group.
7/23/82: no meetin
7/30/82: essay on art n autobiogruffy
8/6/82: 'The Final Solution' (lost)
8/13/82: "Maybe We're All Jews' (lost)
8/20/82: 'Egger'
meanwhile, bud rankin wuz ritin new stories ever week n ye could see whar he wuz a'gittin purty good, a nuff to whar he n i wood take walks n talk bout whut we wuz a'gone do nex, witch twuz generly a trade-off twixt sum kinda job that wood leave ye a nuff time to rite n a job that wood make a nuff money to pay yer bills. lotsa them talks wuz moanin n groanin over how hard life wuz.

we jes dint know how good we dun had it, speshyl on a counta the group. fer that matter, deespite our badmouthin our busy life, we had plenty of free time. n we wuz loded with idees bout ritin. n then thay wuz them folks who cum to group.

as ye know by now, we wood git together of a fridy evenin n read stories n poems n novels out loud to each other. twuz the soshul center of the lives of at lease twelve folk, witch everone of em is menchuned in that poem name of 'beyond tijuana' that i writ n read to the group on july 16. heres a lil rundown of em:

ye mite member how in life of buddy don, chaptur 121: how the group wuz born i writ bout how the group cummenced to meetin, sos ye member billy n lauren stewart, witch he wuz the jew frum secawkus new jersey n she wuz the poet frum appalachia. n corse i wuz jes recollecktin bout bud rankin, the feller frum mississippi. them three wuz the mane ones that cum ever week whenever we furst gut started.

tiz pure chants that lauren stewart ever gut to be part of the group, on a counta how mos everbidy thar wuz in graduwait skool n she hadnt never even been to collidge. but she wuz friens with sean smith n he invited her to a party n thats whar i met billy stewart, witch he wuz her husbin n soons he heard my idee bout the group, he innerduced me to lauren, witch furst thang i thought wuz how she wuz a lack a raven, a dark beauty. she looked to me almost lack a indian on tv n cum to find out much later how she wuz frum up in the hills near gatlinburg n had a fair share of native blood in her.

she wuz shy as a as a butterfly bout readin her poems to whar we had to beg her n lack as not she wood have her notebook of poems but jes refuse to read. even ifn we did cunvints her, bout ever third time she wood start in to a'pallgizing fer whut she wuz bout to read but she wood git innerupted by folks jokin round n remindin her bout the no pall gizin rules. sumtimes that wood make her mad to whar she woodnt read till next meetin. if then.

twernt lack she dint have the talent, but she dint have no bleef in herself. twuz odd on a counta how she wuz a natcherull poet. she dint hardly read no other poets n dint read no books bout how ye go bout ritin poems. she hadnt never studied poetry at school nor read the classicks. everthang wuz a new discuvry fer her, even the simple thangs lack differnt meeters n rime skeems, but she had a way of seein thangs frum a odd angle, almos the way a bee or a bird or a dog wood n she could put them images in wurds so sprizin till seem lack ye wuz that bee or bird or dog n thats a poetick skill ye caint teach. so we always begged her to read.

her husbin billy wuz a bigger part of the group than she wuz in lots of ways. he wuz frum a place name of secawkus new jersey but he wurked in man hattan n dint seem lack nobidy unnerstood whut he meant when he tride to splain bout secawkus, so he gut to whar he wood joke bout how he wuz that new york jew ye wuz always a'hearin bout in jokes n on the radio. he wuz a sharp copier salesman n twood make him mad ifn ye used xerox as a verb or even as a noun meanin a copy lack when folks mite say they had dun xeroxed thar stories or how they could give out xeroxes ifn folks wonted to have em. n he wood splain how ye 'copy' thangs on 'copiers' n whut ye git whenever ye do that is called 'copies'. n he wood splain bout how sharp 'copiers' wuz bettern all tutherns n everbidy wood kindly chuckle or laff till he wood tell a horrbull pun joke n they wood groan. he had im a passel of bad pun jokes n spoke with a thick new yawk ackcent, witch that wuz part of whut made ye laff n corse he knew it n wood put on moren he had to.

billy luved tennessee almos moren folks that wuz born thar. he wood talk bout how ye couldnt dream of findin no place lack his up in new jersey or new york or that ifn ye did twood cost ye a million dollars, witch we thought that wuz a lil stretch of the truth but later on cum to find out he wuz rite. he lacked to have parties out thar n twuz a verr nice place, two stories with a front porch kindly lack grandie had, so i alway lacked goin out thar. he rented a studio in fort sanders fer lauren on a counta how she needed a place to wurk on her art but dint much wurk git dun frum it. still we wood have meetins thar n after a while folks found out bout it n the crowds gut to growin to whar by october of 1981 after a total of fifteen meetins n eight in a row at her studio, we had to start movin the group frum place to place. twuz one of the furst group deecishuns n wuz made that nite at laurens studio. sum of the reglars cum early n billy had the idee of movin the group sos only them that cum ever week wood keep up. lauren wuz riled up over the deecishun but she had to agree bout how thay wuz too minny folks a'cummin when twuz always in the same place. twuz a nice problem to have, havin to hide whar we wuz a'gonna meet nex, but whenever we started a'movin, it hepped build up the core group.

i dint mentchun joe cooper in the poem beyond tijuana on a counta by the time that poem wuz writ, joe wuz long gone. i reckun i woodnt git much argument frum nobidy in the group ifn i wuz to say he had the mos talent. he read all them terp jackson stories, witch terp wuz the redneck hero of most of his stories. because his stories wuz so funny, it gut everbidy to trine to be funny, so even tho joe cum n went purty early in the groups histry, he wuz a verr importunt inflooents on how it deeveloped n the kinda ritin we dun.

part of that had to do with the fack that we wuznt a workshop. our group wuz more of a soshul club with innertainment in the form of folks readin sum of thar ritin out loud to one a nuther. we dint ever critique nuthin but ye could tell a lot bout yer stuff by how folks reackted. after all, twuz mosly a bunch of grad students that lacked to make fun of 'ole tuff shit eliot, himself,' as bud rankin wood say. ifn ye aint gut respeck fer the man that writ The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, ye aint a'gone resurve too much respeck for a poem or story that jes bored ye till yer ass wuz a'tinglin or ye needed to pee. so ifn ye read sumthin funny, ye could tell how folks lacked it on a counta whuther they wood laff.

a nuthern that cum rite reglar fer a lil while n then disappeard wuz sam johns. sam wuz a'wurkin on his phd so dint minny of us know him the furst year we wuz thar n ifn we wuz in a seminar with him, dint nobidy thank to invite im rite away, but sumbidy finely did n he cum to the meetin on october 16 at laurens, witch we went back to her place after havin one meetin at ourn. sams furst time wuz durin the time i wuz a'readin crap notes to the group. i bleeve twuz the chaptur bout whenever gregory gurley is deevorced n a whinin roun his house n gits a visit frum his mama. innywho, i red it n whenever twuz dun thay wuz a moment of silents on a counta twuznt funny in the end even ifn folks had been a'laffin befor. sam looked round at the circle of folks, stuck his hands up in the air n cummenced to clappin. corse everbidy else had to join in. ever after that one time, jes after ever story wuz red, twuz time to see whuther folks wood clap.

over time, that turnt into a problem, but i bleeve clappin wuz mosly good fer the group. ye could tell ifn yer jokes wurked while ye wuz a'readin n ye could tell whuther folks lacked whut ye had read at the end by whuther they clapped. n twuznt lack they clapped ever time. ifn ye bored em much, ye dint have no chants. we had a cuple of members over the years that wuz verr borin n it made folks to whar they woodnt clap nor even pay a tenchun, witch that wuz rong.

the nextn that becum a reglar wuz johnny mayhew. johnny wurked at tva n we made friens whenever we wuz takin the same shakespeare class. i never had no frien lack johnny befor nor since. seem lack he held me in too high regard n i wuz always a skeert i woodnt be able to live up to his pinons of me. sides that, he lacked to give me thangs on a counta how he had im that good job n i wuz jes scrapin by, too poor to play ms pacman without a fuss n fite with emily, witch ye wood be amazed how quick yer friens mite witness sumthin lack that. so he give us a typewriter that wuz bein scrapped frum whar he wurked n he give me the bes softball glove i ever had. he wuz always rite genrus no matter how i tride to ast im not to give me nuthin. we gut to be such good friens to whar we wood do sumthin near everday. we wurked out ever other day fer moren a year n he had a huge influents on my life, as ye will see by n by.

one of the ways he had a influents wuz how he wuz a'datin this beeyootifull woman name of martha townsend whenever we met n he tuck her to group the furst time he cum n quick as they met, martha n emily made friends. martha wuz eager to tell ye she wuznt no real riter but ever now n then she wood brang sumthin to read. as ye mite speck, she hit paydirt as often as innybidy did. she n johnny dint stay together long, but since she lived in the same buildin as us, emily gut to whar she wood hang out with martha to the point i wood cum home n know to call martha to find out whar emily wuz. lack as not, emily wood anser the phone.

fer the most part, martha wuz a grate influents on emily. she had two children, one by her furst n tuthern by her secunt husbin, so she dint have no fear of havin kids, witch that wuz the issue twixt emily n me by the time the group wuz really a'goin good. martha poopood all emilys talk bout how awful twood be to be a mother n nobidy couldnt say nuthin bout martha not bein beeyootifull. she had that odd combinayshun of verr dark blue eyes n black hair that kindly put ye in mind of liz taylor. n she had one crooked tooth in front lack ali mcgraw, witch that seemed to make her smile seem almos lack a blush.

corse twuz whut happens to a womans bidy that wurried emily, n fack is, ye couldnt tell martha'd ever had no babies on a counta how thin her waste wuz n how her hips warnt all that broad. she lacked to wear hi heels n had a pidgen toed way of walkin, witch the combinayshun made her behind stand up n move in such a compellin way to whar i ast emily to cunsidder gittin sum hi heels her ownself (emily sed she wood stick with earth shoes). martha lacked to joke bout how small her chest wuz but ye could see whenver she wuz a doon it how she wuz a'showin off her flat belly. as johnny lacked to joke, she wuz 'one sexy mother'. even emily could see that, so i figgerd thay wuz lots of hope fer emily n me to start a fambly.

seemed lack our sex life wuz better too. martha gut emily to unnerstan fer a lil while how it mite please a man fer her to cum to bed dressd in sumthin sides knee socks n a flannel shirt, often with her underwired bra on underneath it. n not long after emily met martha she ast me wood i tie her up n tease her, witch ye mite could magine how that wood be my pleasure n twuz a grate pleasure fer bofus. but the way emily lacked to carry on bout the penis bein a weppon n all, i dint lack to suggest nuthin all that confinin. so twuz not only a pleasure but a sprize to find out she wonted sumthin lack that. she also started usin lots of nasty wurds in bed n beggin me to do thangs n gittin me to make her beg more befor i wood do em even tho she knew i wuz a'wontin to. i ast her one time when i had her beggin almos fer mercy, wuz this a nuther thang martha had suggested? n she blushed but sed yes n when i kep on, astin her bout when she cum to bed with nuthin but her pink dress, wuz it marthas idee? n i kep on astin her thangs bout martha till she wood melt in pleasure. after that, martha n i wood kindly flirt at group bout whut a sexy babe a sartin lady wuz a'gittin to be. emily wood blush n ast us to hush, witch that made it more fun n martha wood laff till emily slapped at her hand.

but whut martha lackly dint know wuz how emily had a crush on her to whar she wood beg me to tell her a story that had martha in in it. emily lacked fer me to whisper sexy stories in her ear as we wuz a'lyin together. so when she ast fer a story with martha in it, i tuck the chants to eggsplore all kindsa fantasies mos inny man has bout havin sex with two women at the same time. i aint claimin tiz a sensibull or moral or even possibull thang but fantasies aint ackshuns n them stories wood show me kindly whut emily lacked.

her favert story wuz fer martha to visit fer coffee n a chat n fer them to sit on the couch till they touched a lil till martha finely kissd her ever so gently n fer thangs to progress to whar thays passin thurd base a'headin fer home at the eggzack moment when i wood cum in n catch em. n i mite be mad or upset but dint matter on a counta how i wood be be too eggcited to git upset bout it n next thang ye know, ever fantasy ye kin magine wood cum true, lease as a fantasy. i even tole her one whar martha wood cum over to our place to wait fer emily to git home n then cum on to me (witch to be honest that wuz a fantasy fer ever man in the group) n then fer emily to open the door n see us in the ack on the couch only have us not notice till she joins us.

durin the years of the group, such a thang nearly happent twice n bof times virgil wuz the shadow that fell betwixt the idee n the reality. furst time thay wuz a halloween party over at billy n laurens stewarts. everbidy wuz speckted to dress up in a costume n martha deecided i wood go as a witch n she n emily wood go as warlocks. she had found a witches mask that ye put over yer entire head n cum sos nobidy could tell who ye wuz. she cum up to hep us git reddy n deecided she wood git reddy thar too. she had a mexicun peasunt dress fer me to wear with a pair of pantyhose underneath on a counta how ye could see right through the dress. i tole her i dint know ifn that wood be a nuff, but thay laffed. then she putt a see thru blouse on n that gut em bof to laffin at how ye could see my nipples but woodnt nobidy keer ceptn ifn folks thought i wuz a woman, witch they wonderd wood i git arrested ifn a cop saw me? so they give me a shawl to whar with it. then they put on suits, emily a'wearin thonly one i had at the time n martha had a cuple capes. thang wuz, they wuz sexiern ever the way they filled out them suits, witch mayhap that wuz on a counta how martha made em bof wear hi heeled shoes. emily cumplaind she could barly walk in em n martha sed thats whut makes em so sexy: looks lack ye caint git away. i dint have no womens shoes that fit, so i wore sum tennis shoes with socks.

whut a nite that wuz. i wuz a sinsayshun fer the longest on a counta how nobidy couldnt figger out who i wuz till johnny mayhew noticed my shoes n tole everbidy twuz i unnerneath the mask. how thay laffed n made fun. seem lack ever woman at that party tuck the chants to pinch me or lif up my skirt or make comments to give me a lil taste of how men has treated them over the years n i couldnt say much bout it no how. n nobidy give me more of it than emily n martha, witch they spent much of the party on either side of me a trine to git me all eggcited by whisperin thangs in my ears to whar i shore we wuz destined to wurk a lil magick, two warlocks on one witch or vice versa.

i wont bore ye with everthang bout that party but by the time twuz over, virgil had dun gut hisself fallin down drunk to whar he couldnt even thank of drivin so thay wuznt nuthin else to do but lode im into the back seat of marthas car fer the drive back to the laurel marrd students apartments. martha ast me wood i drive n she n emily sat up frunt with me. i wuz a lil sprized whenever martha sat nex to me. she n emily wuz teasin me n playin lack they wuz luvers, eethur playin lack they wuz kissin or mayhap ackshly kissin. they wood play lack that fer a bit while i tried to watch outta the corner of my eye n then martha wood turn back my way n putt her arm roun my waste or a lil lower n give me a lil kiss on the ear n squeeze my thigh till i cried out in pain n then they wood laff n ast me whut wood a lil witch lack me have neath that skirt? twuz one of the sexiest drives i ever had n twuz magick wurthy of a real witch that we made it, but we did.

virgil wuz fast asleep on the back seat, so i suggested we leave im thar. we closed the doors as quitely as we could n tuck a cuple of steps. emily pinched me till i hollerd n then martha cum up to kiss my ear only i turnt by chants but jes in time fer her mouth to find mine n quick as ye could blank yer eye we wuz kissin n emilies hands wuz eggsplorin neath that mexicun skirt n martha wuz lettin her hand slip down till i felt her touch me whar she shouldnt n i wuz a skeerd emily mite not lack it till i felt her hand take marthas n push it even harder. i turned tords emily n she kissed me n then spun me tords martha n she kissed me even harder as she squeezed n lifted my hand to her breast.

n then virgil sed, 'wha?!?' i couldnta sed it no better lessn i wuz sayin sumthin wurser. i wuz cursin him neath my breath, but that wuznt nuthin could be dun on a counta how virgil started to vomit n frum that moment on twuz a matter of gittin im under cuntrol, witch we dun whenever we made im wash his face n brush his teeth n led him to the couch whar he fell flat on his back into a snore. by then, martha had gone home n even tho thay wuz a fone calls wurth of hope, dint nuthin cum of it ceptn fer a verr hot time with emily as i whisperd the story bout whut mite a'been.

tuther time happened down at the lake whar mark kendall had a a frame house n a pool. he wuz a poet who wuz also a rich lawyer n he gut to cummin to the group on a counta how martha had wurked fer im sum years ago n they run into each out at the west town mall n she mentchuned this grate group n nex thang ye know ever man is intimidated by this feller that makes all the women swoon, emily included. he had im a grate voice n had larnt how to use it in a cort room n he also writ sum fine poetry far as we could tell cept how the joke wuz folks wunderd ifn the fone book wood sound lack a good poem ifn he wuz a'readin it.

innnywho, mark wuz a huge fan of the forth of july n had im a party ever year n once he gut to be a reglar reader at the group he invited all his friends, witch turnt out we wuz all folks that had been to the group one time or a nuther. i wuz verr proud how emily wore a bikini n all the fellers wuz sprized on a counta how they hadnt never seen her in nuthin but blue jeans and flannel shirts n earth shoes. johnny mayhew started makin jokes bout how she woodnt never have to suffer ifn innythang ever happend to buddy don, witch did she wont sumthin to happen? everbidy wuz laffin n she wuz flushed but that all changed after she n martha gut to drankin.

happend thisaway. virgil had cum to that party as ye mite magine n he made a bet with martha n emily bout drankin. twuznt a sprize fer virgil to suggest a game whar ye had to drank to win but twuz a sprize how martha cunvintsed emily to take the bet. virgil wonted me to play also, but i never much lacked drankin beer n i wuz drivin, so i dint. but he did n so did martha n emily. i acted as timer.

twuz a simple bet: he bet em they couldnt drank one shot of beer a minute fer thirty mints n he could. twuz lots of fun watchin emily git so loose. the sprize wuz how after johnny mayhew had tuck over the timin he kep rite on a'goin even after they had dun made thar thirty mints n virgil gut distrackted whenever billy stewart ast him dint he have a inventchun to increase gas mileage? so they beat virgil witch that made everbidy laff, but lease they quit drankin. he dint n by the time the party wuz over, the situation wuz near the same: we wuz feelin loosey goosey n virgil wuz passd out drunk. if innythang, we gut closer to makin the fantasy real this time on a counta how we knew whut we wonted even ifn we aint never sed nuthin bout it. corse, we wuz engagin in sum scandlus flirtin n even touchin, speshly durin slow dances whar they wuz bof a'dancin with me. we drove keerful with a lil kissin n touchin but no talkin. we wuz verr quite gittin outta the car. we left virgil snorin in the back n dint stop to do nuthin in the parkin garage. gut upstairs n emily n martha deecided they wood take a shower. together. n martha sed she had brought sumthin more cumfterbull fer em to whar whenever they cum out. they teased me by sayin i could look at a gurly magazine while i wuz a'waitin my turn fer the shower.

they wuz back in our bedroom a'gittin undressd whenever a loud knock cum on the door. that meant virgil. i wuz tempted to let im knock but he kep gittin louder, witch i went back n hollerd to emily how i wuz a'gone drive virgil home. i dint even let im cum in to pee n made im doot behind a bush on the lawn. ye kin magine how i felt. it tuck near two hours to drive im to clinton in finely git im outta the car, witch i left im in a rockin chair on the porch of the lil house.

whenever i gut home, emily wuz asleep. i wuz eggcited but she sed she wuz plum tuckerd out n wonderd wood i turn the evenin into a story nex time we lay together? twuz clear she wuznt in no mood fer nothin so i outlined the plot of that story in my mind till i wuz reddy to sleep my ownself. later the nex day, i tole her that story, makin the problem of the story how i dint git home till twuz too late n how martha n emily tuck thar showers n putt on thar sexy nightgowns n how they deecided to have a nuther lil drank n then a lil music n then mayhap a lil dancin n the feel of the soft gowns n all led em back to the couch n deescribin in deetail how they figgerd twood be eggcitin ifn they wuz in the ack whenever i walked in. only in the story, i dint make it till they wuz dun n martha had gone home. that story had emily squirmin frum the moment i deescribed the feel of that lingerie durin the dance. mayhap she wuz waitin fer the part whar i cum in an sprize em, but i never gut to that part befor we wuz bof half dozin afterds. as i wuz bout to drift off, i thought to ast wuz that story i made true, but she kissed me n tuck my hand n rolled over, pullin me with her so i dint say nuthin.

innywho, that wuz martha townsend n lack i sed she brought in mark kendall. mark wuz friens with a woman name of martha davis. at furst we figgerd they wuz together but later on cum to find out they wuz ole luvers n did sum legal wurk together. she dun lots of wurk with prisners up at brushy mountain. she gut to whar she wuz at mos meetins n we wood even meet at her place. she almos never read but wuz one of the mos intents folks at the meetins n ye knew ye had writ sumthin fine ifn she clapped. twuz easy to make her laff.

the new skool year brought in a nuther class of english graduwait students n amung em wuz jake dawes. he wuz a verry slight pasty faced feller with a awkward laff but grate skills whenever it cum to ritin. seem lack he dint take to my bein the leader n lacked to attack me fer it witch i could deefend myself speshly by sayin i never said i wuz the leader n that it had to be only in his mind. that wood make im mad n we wood joust at meetins, witch all them years with daddy give me jes the skills i needed to make that situwayshun wursern it orta been. but i wuz too yung to know much better n reckun i made a enemy outta jake. lack i say he wuz one of the best riters in the group fer bof poetry n stories. he wuz a verr importunt part of how the group grew n all. taint lack we dint try to git along n we wuz civil. i even rode to meetins with im, but he couldnt hep but hate me fer bein underservin of whut folks thought of me. he wuz rite bout that n he knew i knew it, so no matter whut, we gut along even ifn other folks dint unnerstand it. bud rankin gut to be good buddies with jake so fer years i wood keep in touch with him through bud.

jake wuz the sorce of a cuple of the groups biggest fuss n fites. furst time wuz whenever he writ a story bout a feller that wuz forced to eggspoze hisself in publick. bud rankins wife ginny tuck offents toot n tole im twuznt one of his bes, witch he reackted lack she had poked im in the chest with her elbow n knocked his breath out. he couldnt say nuthin n then with his comick timin billy sed sumthin bout how twuz the furst time innybidy had ever gut jake to shut up n the hole room busted up a'laffin.

jake tuck it hard, witch he gut his revenge the nex week. when it cum time to read, he volunteerd to go furst n sed he had a new story name of 'Blown Away by Passion,' witch he dedicated it to bud rankins wife ginny after sayin she had deserved it by bein the bes critick in the group, jokin that everbidy else wuz riters n not too critickull on other riters sos them otherns woodnt git thar revenge. folks wuz hopin thangs wuz patched up twixt ginny n jake, so they laffed a lil at that. but then he red us the story. it featchurd a woman who wuz bein forced to have oral sex by a strange man she had met n seduced in a bar. as they wuz leavin the bar, he wuz nice, even openin the door for her n stoppin to kiss her back when she pulled him close before gittin in. but when they gut to his place, he turnt ruff n then forced her to her knees. n tho the woman fought back at furst, by the time the man had unzipped and eggspozed his self, she couldnt hep bein aroused n cummenced to doin whut the man had ast. jake emphasized how even tho she wuz ashamed n humiliated n mad, bein forced made her eggcitement better, sumthin to that effeck. whenever the man wuz jes bout to climax, the woman stabbed im in the heart with one of them ginsu stake knives.

jake wuz more poeticull than graffickull n twuz a well-writ bit of trash. but twuz cruel in purpus n verr well-aimed. it hit the mark n the damage wuz eggstreme. nobidy sed nuthin. we jes sat lookin at our hands. whut coulda bin sed?

then ginny went outside for a smoke n everbidy gut to talkin till twuz time to read agin. ginny never cum back in. after a cuple stories wuz red, bud went to look for her n found out she had lef with thar car. jake offerd bud a ride home n wuznt nuthin more sed.

at lease, nuthin wuznt sed at the meetin that nite, but durin the week folks gut to whisperin n sayin how they wuz so mad at jake they felt lack they orta quit cummin to group over it. that wood show im. i herd the same, even frum johnny n martha n kristina. of corse, edna polk had plenty to say, witch ima gone tell ye bout kristina n edna direckly.

thang wuz, that talk bout not cummin back to group fer a protest wuz all jes piss n vinegar. thonly one that quit a'cummin to group wuz ginny. everbidy else couldnt hardly wait to see whut wood happen next. bud dint seem to be upset with jake nun on a counta how he n jake gut em sum acid not long after n tripped together, witch the mane thang i gut frum that wuz bud a'tellin me how twuz a mystry to him why george harrison wood have eric clapton play the lead guitar tracks on While My Guitar Gently Weeps. whut wuz the artistickull morivayshun fer that? twuz eggzackly the kinda lead slide-guitar george harrison wuz known fer playin. bud ponderd that questchun fer years after that, but dint seem lack he wuz the lease curious bout why jake wood rite such a spiteful story bout ginny. he figgerd jake wuz a artist n art is cruel but true.

the verr nex week, jake red sumthin that nearly gut the group to quit fer real. we met over at arthur james aunts house way out on alcoa hiway. arthur wuz friends with mark kendull n twuz a big a nuff place fer everbidy to be cumfterbull. we chatted fer a while till we had mos everbidy thar n then we gut off to a good start. mark kendall red sum fine poetry n kristina follerd em with sum jes bout as good. johnny mayhew sed how he wonted to read while everbidy wuz on a role n 'before the doctor gits to operatin,' witch that wuz the kinda lil compliments he lacked to give me. he red us a story name of 'The Last Disciple' n that wuz so good bud rankin ackted lack he wuz a'skeerd to foller it, but he dun it innywho.

i had brung a new story name of Egger n deecided i woodnt wait till last to read, lack i dun reglar. way i figgerd it, twuz untellin whuther innybidy wood wonta hear no story after jake red his. folks wuz sprized whenever i sed i wonted to read nex, but bud lit a joint n sed, 'Do it, Doctor,' n befor jake coud objeck, i cummenced. the story gut a good a nuff reackshun n folks talked bout it fer a bit till i turnt to jake n sed twuz his turn.

jake lacked to have water whenever he red, so he gut it all reddy n tuck a sip. ye could see whar he wuz nervus n wonted to pall gize but finely he red the title, Batter Up. then he gut into the story n as folks figgerd out whut twuz bout, they started to git riled to whar thay wuz a edge to the room. the story wuz good, verr well-writ, almos poetry, but the subjeck wuz too awfull to cunsidder n it made folks uncomfterbull to here. martha n emily went outside befor twuz over. kristina huff n puffd n kep a mean smirk on her face the hole time. mark kendall looked lack he wuz bein bored by a testy child.

but seemed to me lack twuz a fine bit of ritin n thays sumthin to be sed fer a story that hits so hard. the group dint see it thataway. sevrul spoke up -- kristina, edna, johnny, billy, even mark -- n sed they gut to feelin lack jake wuznt trine to rite the bes stories he could but jes trine to git a reackshun frum folks. he fought back a'sayin how everbidy is trine to git a reackshun. that riled kristina olsen. she tride to deefine fer jake the differnts twixt trine to git sumbidy to laff at terp jackson or gregory gurley n trine to git folks to vomit. jake tuck offents whenever kristina mentchund gregory gurley, witch hes the mane care ackter in Crap Notes. he lit into me by sayin how everthang i ever writ wuz jes autobiograffy ment to make me look good. i pled mosly guilty but ast how he could say the story i red that night, bout a talkin cat, could be autobiografficull. he claimed twuz on a counta he could tell i ment fer the cat, Egger, to be a parody of him n that ment twuz autobiograffy n a personull attack on him. i tole him that such logick wuz so illogickull twuz impossibull to refute, witch that made everbidy laff n he jes got madder at me, only by then folks wuz fixin to leave n had all dun quit payin im inny tenchun.

tuther two ima gone mentchun fer now wuz kristina olsen n edna polk. edna cum furst, joinin us durin the winter of 1982. i caint member how she found out bout the group nor who invited her, but she cum reglar once she larnt bout us. edna had two mane thangs that botherd mos ever other riter in the group. fer one, she wuz ritin pure fantasy or fantasy with a lil science fickshun. everbidy else wuz trine to rite grate literchur, sumthin mainstream, witch we figgerd twuz that much harder to git literchur publishd, witch that wuz the secunt thang that botherd folks bout edna: she had dun been publishd n to here her tell it, she had a number of differnt thangs in print. we all wonted to see em n ast whar could we buy the publicayshuns, but they wuz lil thangs that dint git wide distribushun n she wuz paid in authors copies. she kep meanin to brang in sum of em, but she never memberd, witch that made lots of folks thank she wuz a'lyin bout bein publishd. but lie or not, she wuz thonly one makin such a claim n it hurt almos as bad ifn twuz false as twood ifn twuz true.

ackshly, thay wuz a thurd reason folks dint much lack edna, witch her ritin wuz borin. ye kin git away with a lot at a group lack ourn wuz, but borin folks is sumthin that wont never win no clappin at the end. twuz always a lil uncomfterbull whenever edna wuz readin on a counta seem lack everbidy in the room but her knew thay wuznt nobidy enjoyin whut she wuz readin. eyes wood role, jokes wood be writ on lil scraps of paper n passd round, temptin folks to laff out loud n innerupt, witch mos folks could hold it in, but ever now n agin, sumbidy wood let out a guffaw n she wood finely look up to see everbidy wurkin to git thar face strate. finely she wood finish n woodnt nobidy clap n ye could tell twuz eatin her up. lookin back, i reckun twuz our way of gittin back at her fer bein publishd.

as ye mite member, a bunch of us wuz gittin near graduwayshun n that meant gittin jobs lessn we could git publishd n start makin money thataway. twernt lack edna wuz hordin nuthin. she offerd minny a time to git us in contack with the folks that wuz a'publishin her, but we wuz too snobbish to cunsidder ritin innythant we couldnt pertend wuz real literchur. shore, we sed, innbidy could git publishd by ritin fer a genre of sum kind, witch ye mite wunder why we never dun it n thays a simple anser to that, witch its jes as tuff to git publishd in one place as a nuther.

everbidy sorta lanked kristina olsen with edna polk in thar minds. fer one thang, edna invited kristina. fer a nuther, edna had been brangin a feller name of j ashton crane, witch he wuz a fan of george bernard shaw n wonted to rite big plays whar folks talk bout the big issues of the day. problem wuz how he wuznt no shaw n red in a monotone till folks wood openly innerupt n try to git im to quit, but he wuznt nuthin if not blind to inny negative reackshun to his wurk.

he wuz a verr tall skinny feller, probly six feet four inches n weighin in at no moren maybe 150, ifn that. so twuz a odd thang when he gut to hittin on kristina olsen bout as quick as she cum to a meetin. kristina wuz a large woman, not fat but big-boned or jes big. she wuz a fine poet who red her lil poems in a tiny voice, makin everbidy sit ford n listen as hard as they could. n twuz always wurth it. fer a persun that wuz so quite, twuz a oddity bout how kristina wonted to git into ever fuss n fite that cum along. i wuznt at the meetin whar thangs nearly cum to blows twixt kristina n mark kendall over the topick of whuter a black deefendent could git a fair trial frum a all-white jury. mark figgerd twood be fair, kristina that twernt possibull. i herd lots bout that fite, but caint give ye no deetails of the sides that wuz tuck.

folks wood wunder how could it be that sumbidy lack kristina could rite such good poetry n yet put up with j ashton cranes stuff. did she bleeve in it? did she jes look tuther way? wuz she that despert fer companyunship? thay wuz minnymore questchuns than ansers with kristina but everbidy luved to here her poetry. she also brought her daughter to minny a meetin n folks wuz amazed when she dint thank we had to hide thevil weed frum her daughter. kristina laffd when ast bout it, splainin that she found it better not to hide thangs frum marketa, as her daughter wuz named, on a counta then her daughter dint seem so cumpelled to hide thangs frum her.

tiz a wunder the group lasted as long as it did. i dint keep notes to the verr end. ackshly, i quit keepin em in my diary n gut a new notebook to keep em, but not long after that, we dint meet no more n i lost that notebook. but we lasted thru the transishun to sum eggstent, meanin we kep meetin even when i wuz teachin at a nuther collidge n bud rankin wuz trine to git a job besides deeliverin pizzas n everbidy seemed to be pulled in differnt die-reckshuns.

but we kep meetin even tho folks cumplaind bout one thang in particlar. that wuz how bof me n bud rankin wuz wurkin on novels, witch tiz hard to read a novel thats in progress to a group of that kind. twuz a miss take, only we dint know it then. we knew we wuznt gittin nowhar with short stories n we wonted to git published. we figgerd our bes chants at gittin sumthin publishd wuz to rite a novel that wuz amazin. turnt out to be a tuff trick to pull off, speshly ifn ye wuz spozed to be a'wurkin full time n ritin part time n then cummin to a group to keep folks innerested in yer novel even tho ye wuznt shore whar twuz a'goin. sides that, we wuz bof ritin novels that wuz serious n not the lease bit funny. johnny mayhew claimd novels wuz a'killin the group. jake anserd twernt that but jes borin stuff. that hurt, but twuz as true as innythang.

but whut gut the group so riled that we couldnt meet no more wuz a essay edna red us all on the fourth of febuwairy 1983. the topick wuz the cyculls all riters groups go thru. fer the furst time since she had started, she had her audients innerested n sittin in the palm of her hand.

in the piece, she claimed our group had dun been diverted frum its originull purpus n had turnt into a soshul group whar we dint lissen with intrest to whut tutherns read n only had inny reespeck fer our own ritins, nun fer the writins of tutherns. she claimed we dint critisize openly n cunstructivly but spent our time muttern viciously behind everbidys back. lack i say, this readin gut everbidy all stirrd up to whar we couldnt hardly continue on a counta all the reglar members wuz reddy fer a group fuss n fite. everbidy started splainin how this warnt no wurkshop n had started as a soshul group of folks that lacked to entertain each other by readin whut they rite. but edna had her vershun n she stuck with it. as i recolleck, i writ a anser back to her splainin that the group hadnt never been no wurkshop n had always been a soshul group, but i caint find it nor proov whuther i writ it n i caint even be shore ifn i cum to a nuther group meetin. or fer that matter, whuther innybidy did.

the group had been the soshul center of mos everthang we did. thay wuznt hardly no party putt on by inny of the reglars that dint have ever group member invited. me n billy stewart n johnny mayhew played on the same softball team. emily n lauren n martha lacked to git together n run two or three times a week ifn they could. me n bud rankin gut to be friends when folks started lankin us together on a counta how we wuz the two members that generly had sumthin new n innerestin to read n then he wood tell me bout thangs folks wuz sayin bout me bein the leader n changes i should make, witch the wunder wuz that folks wood thank i wuz the leader since thay wuznt no vote n i had ast folks lack jake to take over ifn twood make im happy. thang is, the group wuz such big a part of everbidys life that ye couldnt magine it cummin to a end. but life changes n ye caint go to skool ferever n purty soon, ye dont keer so much bout the same thangs that ye lived fer at a earlier time of life. so we quit a'cummin.

mayhap edna had it rite bout groups a'goin thru cyculls. she had missd our mane reason fer ever meetin in the furst place but her argument wuz proovd by the fack of her ritin it: a group kin only las so long befor folks fergits why they had started attendin in the furst place. lease frum ednas perspecktiv, we had dun that, but seems more lackly that twuz time fer mos of us to move on. corse fer all i know, edna coulda kep that group a'goin after we had dun left.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

more pall gees of buddy don: gratest show on earth

we jes gut back frum that ringling bros n barnum & bailey circus over at madison square garden, witch miz bds daughter tuck us to celebrate mis bds birthdy n our anniversry. twuz a deelight. but on a counta that, i dint git to finish the chaptur ima wurkin on even tho i dun sum more wurk on it.

but tiz a nuff to say whut a wunderful time we all had at the circus. las time i saw the big show i wuz six n twuz in knoxvull in 1958. las time miz bd went twuz the same year n also in knoxvull, tho i dint have no way of knowin bout her bein thar then. twuz after the grate deevorce, witch i orta splain thatn by n by. till then, happy easter fer them that celebrates it n happy weekend to everbidy else lessn thar wurkin n ifn yer wurkin, i hope ye have a perductiv day!

Friday, March 25, 2005

pall gees of buddy don: been a'wurkin on that chaptur

i know i aint posted much of nuthin today n yesterdy but ima trine to rite the tail end of chaptur 131: glory days fer the group frum life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly. tiz a transishunull chaptur twixt life at graduwait skool n life a'wurkin as a -- but i druther not give away whut buddy dons a'gone be a'doon next. i will say this as a lil warnin bout the tail end of this chaptur ima wurkin on: sum folks mite find it a bit risky ... or is that risqué? sumthin lack that. so be warned n dont read it ifn ye dont lack that kind thang. twill be here soon a nuff ... i hope.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

obsesshuns of buddy don: nuther sangle malt scotch tastin

las nite me n miz bd joined our irish frien n his wife mawz over at keens fer a nuther sangle malt scotch tastin. as ye mite coulda noticed, we luv larnin all we kin bout sangle malt scotches. ye mite could say we is obsessd. we been a'studyin up on it, a'readin books n goin to lectchurs but manely drankin as minny differnt kinds of whisky (n whiskey too) as we kin. we count our blessins bout aliving whar ye kin git mos inny kinda sangle malts they sells in the u s of a. bes of all, thays a slew of sangle malt scotch drankers that cums to man hattan n that means ye kin git a nuff of em together to have tastins.

so las nite round 7:20, jes in time, we made it to keens n tuck our seats fer a tastin name of Scotch Whisky from the Inside: A Special In-Depth Seminar and Tasting with F. Paul Pacult.

heres whut thangs looked lack frum my seat as thangs wuz cummencin:

they had em ten whiskys pored out fer each of us, witch we wuz lucky a nuff to be sittin at a table with two exter places n me n my irish frien dint let nun of the better stuff go to waste, witch all em malts wuz purty good ceptn the furstn. heres the list of whut we tasted with msrp prices:
  1. Unaged barley spirit
  2. Tomintoul 16-Year-Old Speyside Malt Whisky, 40%, $55
  3. Glendiffich 15-Year-Old Solera Reserve Speyside Malt Whisky, 40%, $40
  4. Balvenie 12-Year-Old DoubleWood Speyside Malt Whisky, 43%, $48
  5. Dalwhinnie 15-Year-Old Central Highlands Malt Whisky, 43%, $52
  6. Glenfiddich 18-Year-Old Ancient Reserve Speyside Malt Whisky, 43%, $60
  7. Johnnie Walker Gold 18-Year-Old Blended Scotch Whisky, 40%, $75
  8. Bruichladdich XVII 17-Year-Old Islay Malt Whisky, 46%, $120
  9. Lagavulin 16-Year-Old Islay Malt Whisky, 43%, $80
  10. Bowmore "Darkest" Islay Malt Whisky, 43%, $65
far as me n miz bd n our irish frien n his wife kin tell that aint no bad sangle malts, but thays sum thats definitly bettern otherns. twuz so las nite. my favert wuz lagavulin, witch me n miz bd had dun tasted all but the tomintoul, bruichladdich n bowmore. we dun knew lagavulin wuz our favert of the reglar distillry bottlins. sos ye kin git a idee of our taste, heres our faverts so far (not cunsidderin speshul bottlins n verr eggspensize stuff -- in other wurds, most of these is the mos poplar but cheaper ages):
  1. lagavulin 16
  2. laphroaig 10
  3. talisker 10
  4. ardbeg 10
  5. bruichladdich 10
  6. ledaig 15
  7. caol ila 12
  8. clynelish 14
  9. glenmorangie 10 (or glenmorangie 18, ifn ye kin afford it)
  10. bunnahabhain 12
  11. springbank 12
  12. highland park 12
  13. glenfarclas 17 (a lil pricey but good)
  14. the macallan 12
  15. dalmore 12
  16. bowmore 17 (a lil eggspensive but tiz wunderful with chocklut)
aint no doubt im a'missin sum, but ye git the idee. we lack em peaty n thats why thays so minny islays at the top. we lack glenlivet n glenfiddich ok, but we aint fans on a counta how it seems lack tiz thonly sangle malts ye kin git at lots of places n i reckon we resent that a lil even tho taint fair. we also lack em yung generly bettern ole. fer instunts, we tried bruichladdich 10 n 15 n lacked the 10 a lot better. same with laphroaig 10 vs 15, caol ila 12 vs 18, ledaig 15 vs 20 n so on. seems lack thays a bit tastier or sumthin. tholder ones is smoother n more delicutt but sumtimes they dont seem as vibrunt. i caint find the wurds. mayhap thays a simpler splainayshun: we dont lack spendin so much money fer likker!

thangs gut fuzzier as the nite went on (my battries died whenever i tuck this here pitcher):

after twuz over, we bought us a copy of f paul pacult's new book name of A Double Scotch: How Chivas Regal and The Glenlivet Became Global Icons by f paul pacult. he wuz nice a nuff to sine it fer us, witch that n a lil talk with our friens made fer a fine endin to the evnin.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

legendairy fish of buddy don: brownie

i been keepin a tank of africun cichlids since 1993, witch i gut started a'keepin em after a roommate killt all the fish in a communty tank of typicull tropicull fish -- tetras, betas, angels n such. after them fish wuz killt off by that sick friend, i deecided twuz time to change the kinda fish i wuz a'keepin (n time to git rid of that roommate, witch thats a long tale thatll git tole tords the end of that novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly).

over the years of keepin cichlids n watchin em with grate keer, i dun larnt lots bout em. thays a innerestin bunch of fish to keep in a tank on a counta how (1) they dont use color fer camaflodge, witch that means they kin git verr brite colors on em, (2) they cum frum the rift lakes of africa, eethur lake tangangyeeka or malawi, witch them lakes has water flowin in but no way fer it to flow out ceptn by eevaporayshun n that means them fish kin take it ifn the water qualty gits a lil compromised n finely (3) they gut em a verr innerestin soshul struckchur that makes em fun to watch n larn bout.

corse, ye dont start out knowin much, so whut i dun wuz to git five melanochromis vermivorus whenever they wuz young n putt em in a 30 gallon tank. ifn i hadda knowed better, i never wooda put so minny into such a small tank, but i dint know much of nuthin bout em then. i also dint real eyes how i had picked one of the most agressive kinds.

so whut happend wuz whut ye coulda perdickted ifn ye knew a lil moren i did, witch is how once them fish started in to growin, purty soon the males wuz all riled bout how small thar livin quarters wuz. i had dun larnt bout how them cichlids wuz smart a nuff to wurk together on a counta how i had me a lil turtle name of tortuga that wuz in the tank n whenever it started gittin lil white spots on its back, i tride to figger whut wuz rong with it. tuck me a while to figger how twuz them cichlids a'doon it, all five of em, swimmin in fomrayshun frum behing that turtle a'takin turns bitin at them spots. so i gut the turtle outta thar n tuck to watchin them cichlids.

twernt hardly no time atall till two of em wuz the biggest. whenever i furst bought em, they wuz yaller with a horizontull black stripe down long thar side. but when they gut a lil older, one of em turnt brown n a nuthern turnt black. i named em brownie n blackie. frum the time thar colors started in to changin, them two fish wuz in a battle lack ye aint never seed befor. furst they wood take turns pointin thar mouth at tutherns anal fin n switchin posishuns as ifn to say to each other, 'ye aint gut the guts to bite me.' frum thar, they tuck to chasin each other round in lil circles to whar ye couldnt tell witchn wuz a'gittin chased nor witch wuz a'doon the chasin.

corse, they tricked up the tank to whar they had em sum hidin places, witch they lacks to 'aqua-scape' thar tanks by suckin up the gravel from the tank n spittin it out in a nuther place till they git em a hole dug n a lil barrier bilt. tiz amazin how they make a home fer tharself.

purty soon they gut to fitin mouth to mouth, witch thats whar one or tuther of em is a'gone git hurt n lackly killt, n fack is, after battlin fer days, brownie finely killt blackie. he drug the carcass of the dead fish into a lil place he had made fer hisself in a ole pot i had stuck in the tank n whenever i went to remove the dead bidy, he attacked me n made me wait one day, witch once the bidy gut to rottin, seem lack brownie couldnt push it out quick a nuff. after that twuznt but two fish left, jes brownie n a nuther fish i give the name of trumbly.

i wuz a'livin in inwood on the island of man hattan at the time. inwood is as far north on the island as ye kin git, witch tiz a nayborhood whar mos everthang on the west side of broadway is ole irish n mos everthang on the east side is dominicans. twuz a verr nice place to liv only ye had to spend a hour n ten minuts each way a'gittin to wurk in midtown man hattan, witch thats the part jes south of centrull park. i tuck a noshun twuz time fer me to move down to midtown n save myself a good cuple hours commutin everday. i also figgerd twuz time to git me a bigger tank, witch i bought a 155 gallon monster fer that.

fer a lil while, i had bofem apartments at the same time. i gut the new tank all set up n let the water git to settin lack it needs to do befor ye stick inny fish in it n kep the lil tank uptown in inwood. i lef the lites off n gut back to feed them fish ever two or three days, witch that tank wuz a'sittin on the bare floor in a corner of my ole bedroom, but quick as i cum in the room, i could see brownie a'watchin me. by this time, he wuz dark brown with a lite stripe down his side.

finely twuz time, so i putt brownie n trumbly in a bucket of thar own water n lugged em over to the subway n rode downtown with em. my new apartment wuznt much, a lil railroad car lack place on 9th avenue at 56th street in a nayborhood sum say used to be called hells kitchen n sum say never wuz but witch they wuz a'callin it clinton by then innywho (not after the presdent by that name). i had cum up with a way of fittin that huge tank in thar, witch twuz six foot long n three foot high n two foot deep n a'sittin up on a stand to whar twuz as tall as me (bout six feet). i pored in sum of the water frum the tank into the bucket n kep at it till i figgerd twoodnt be too much of a shock fer them fish to go into the new tank n once i dun that, in they went.

twuz one of the mos amazin thangs i ever observed. trumbly wuz a female tho i dint know it at the time n furst thang she dun wuz to go hide. she wuz still mosly yaller. but brownie swum up n down that tank lack twuz natcherull fer im to have a big tank lack that. i watched im n as i did, he gut to turnin color till he wuz dark purple with a bright blue-purple stripe whar the black stripe used to be, kindly lack this pitcher.

i stocked the tank with other cichlids, even buyin a nuther of them same melanochromis vermivorus, witch twuz tiny whenever i bought it, but when it gut to puberty, it turnt real mean. i named thatn geronimo. innywho, brownie n trumbly mated n trumbly had her a mouthfull of lil fish fer bout a munth befor she let em out. twuz a sad thang on a counta how geronimo made it his bizness to eat as minny of em as he could git. brownie could chase geronimo down, but he couldnt be everwhar all the time, so one by one, them lilns gut to disappearin. brownie even tuck one into his mouth rite after twuz let outta trumbleys n swum up n down the tank n then let it out agin, witch i though he wuz a'gone eat his own chile, but he dint. geronimo tuck keer of that.

thay wuznt no questchun bout who wuz the big fish in that tank: twuz brownie, period. he wuz a good 'big fish,' witch he dint allow no fitin ceptn whenever he wonted to put geronimo back in his place.

but whut wuz sad wuz how trumbly woodnt have nuthin to do with brownie no more n nex time she mated, she dun it with geronimo. purty soon that tank wuz loded with lil yaller fish with black stripes down thar sides. n geronimo wuz gittin biggern meaner all the time, a'chasin down ever fish in the tank ceptn fer brownie. seemed lack brownie dint keer much to chase geronimo, jes keepin im a'runnin now n then, but trumbley wuz a differnt matter. i wuz watchin em one day when geronimo wuz speshly nasty to them other fish, bitin on the tales of his own offsprang. finely trumbley turnt on im in a flash n hit im rite hard. that fish went down upside down n never cum up agin, dead by the nex mornin.

after that, thay wuznt no doubt bout brownie bein the big fish. he made it thru a nuther move, witch ye caint hardly keep yer fish alive whenever ye half to move yer tank, but i always try to keep a cuple of my faverts ifn i move (i dun moved that tank four times now).

brownie wuz the big fish in that thar tank fer years. after i had moved to a better apartment over on 56th twixt park n lexington, i gut a catfish name of felix, witch i still have felix after over nine years.

but cichlids dont live so long. i gut to whar fer a treat, i wood git freeze dried tubifex wurms to put in the tank n them cichlids luved em. they cum in lil cubes, witch ye stick em on the side of the tank n them fish peck at it till them wurms gits hydrated n sumtimes they even cum back to life n start a'squirmin round, making them fish near crazy to eat em.

but them same tubifex wurms wuz brownies downfall. i put a cube of em on the side one time n rite away brownie wuz takin the furst swipes at it. but this time, in sted of knockin sum of em out into the water, he gut that hole cube into his mouth n then couldnt spit it out. twuz sad how almos the instunt he wuz in that cundishun, a nuther fish name of yallertail gut to pickin on im till brownie went n hid. twuz the furst time i had seen power change in the tank. i dint know it then, but in almos all cases, whenever the big fish loses his spot, he dont live much longer. twuz so fer brownie also. them wurms gut to whar they had burrowed rite thru the side of his bidy till he couldnt keep nun of them other fish off im n he wuz a'dyin. i tride to save im, but twuz too late. after near four years, brownie finely floated dead to the top of the tank.

i dint real eyes at the time whut a good big fish he wuz. yallertail wuznt never half as good, a mean tyrant that kep a minny fish as possibull with stubby tails. he wood git his in the long run.

brownie wuz lack one of them care ackters in a greek drama. he wuz the king of the tank, but he had a greedy streak that finely dun im in.

ye kin larn lots of thangs frum watchin yer tank.

Friday, March 18, 2005

pinions of buddy don: wolf at the door

mr bush has nominated a man who orta be able to brang to the worl bank the same level of qualty we dun seen at arbusto energy n later at harken: mr paul wolfowitz. ye caint find a more qualified fox to run yer henhouse, or is it a wolf to herd yer sheep? witchever, we dun seen how folks that bleeves whut he says mite get tharself 'fleeced':
  • In February 2003, then-Army Chief of Staff Gen. Eric Shinseki told a congressional panel that America would need several hundred thousand troops to pacify Iraq after the invasion.

    Wolfowitz rushed to Capitol Hill two days later to undermine Shinseki, declaring the general's numbers "way too high," telling a House committee "we can say with reasonable confidence" Shinseki's figures were "way off the mark."

  • According to Wolfowitz, countries skittish about invading Iraq would be willing to deploy peacekeeping troops afterward. But there has been no great global rush to help America. In fact, some countries that sent handfuls of troops to Iraq have now pulled out.

  • corse, nobidy kin fergit how mr wolfowitz splained that the war in iraq wusnt a'gone cost us much:
    “There’s a lot of money to pay for this that doesn’t have to be U.S. taxpayer money, and it starts with the assets of the Iraqi people…and on a rough recollection, the oil revenues of that country could bring between $50 and $100 billion over the course of the next two or three years…We’re dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction, and relatively soon.” [Source: House Committee on Appropriations Hearing on a Supplemental War Regulation, 3/27/03]
    aint it grate that it dint cost us too much -- taint much over $156,831,000,000 at the moment. ye kin check the lil counter i putt on the lef side of my blog to keep up with whut it is at the mint on a counta how tiz always a'risin.

  • then thars the cost in amurkin n iraqi lives, witch he has dun had a lil truble a'keepin up with how minny amurkins has died.

  • corse, ye gut to add mire a man that gits to run a bank even ifn his war cronies dun lost billions!

i bet the worls poor folk is happy now!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

life of buddy don, chaptur 131: glory days fer the group

lookin back on the sprang n summer of 1982, tiz easy to see now whut i couldnt see then, witch thats how twuz the verr end of life as i had cum to know it since quittin carbide. up till then, even ifn i wuz a'goin to collidge, i wuz still a'wurkin in the real worl, witch the way sum of them graduwait students sed the wurds 'real worl' ye mite could thank they wuz talkin bout one of the lower rungs of hell. but after i quit carbide, i wuz in ackadeem n twuz a hole nuther way of livin.

thang is, i wuz jes a'gittin the swang of it n dint know i wuz in the best part of it n twuz about to end much quicker i coulda thought. even ifn i wuz a'studyin grate literchur lack nobidys bizness, i wuznt thankin much bout nuthin that really matterd, thangs lack whut wuz i a'gone do to git money after i graduwaited? that shouda been the mane topick of everbidys conversayshun durin them munths on a counta we wuz mosly all fixin to git our degrees n after that, ifn we dint wonta git to wurk on a docterut, we wood half to git jobs.

twuz easy to magine that ye coulda published a few stories or mayhap gut a novel writ while ye wuz a'goin to grad school n on that plan, ye mite could thank whenever ye cum out, ye wood be gittin royalties of sum kind or mayhap ye could say ye had dun showed promiss n orta be hepped out to git a'goin. twuz speshly so fer the mane two writers in the group, witch by mane two i mean the two that ye could count on to brang sumthin to read ever week, witch that wuz me n bud rankin.

i speck we bofus figgerd we wood half to be published befor we finished our masters n whenever we dun graduwaited we wood kindly live a life at home, purty much lack we wuz a'doon only without all them classes. twuz easy to magine how we wood write novels n git paid royalties n live well n mayhap after a while our wives could quit wurkin or goin to school or whutever.

lease i half to add mitt i wuz a'feelin thataway. i had dun writ a novel n durin the furst nine munths of 1982 i wuz on a role a'writin new stories ever weeks. i had jes finishd readin crap notes n red 'the witness,' witch whenver i writ thatn i thought twuz the bes i had ever dun but when i red it to the group, twuz embarrassin. so i started wurkin on short stories n twixt the meetin of januwairy 22 n the meetin of august 20, i had me a stretch whar mos everthang i writ wuz cheered on by the group:
1/22/82: 'A Difficult Departure'
1/29/82: 'The Works'
2/5/82: read poetry
2/12/82: 'Big Wheels Roll'
2/19/82: 'Slave of Desire'
2/26/82: 'Burned'
3/5/82: 'The Inspector' (dun lost thatn)
3/12/82: read poetry
3/19/82: 'The Bobbing Nose'
3/26/82: 'Stick It!' (lost, but i writ a chaptur on the same topick in life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly)
4/2/82: 'Blind Sales'
4/9/82: 'The Mulberry Tree' (nuthern i dun lost)
4/16/82: 'Cleaning Up'
4/23/82: 'Savage Romance'
4/30/82: 'Hooks'
5/7/82: 'Entertainment for Men' (lost)
5/14/82: 'Revenge on a Hot Afternoon'
5/21/82: (dint attend on a counta gittin reddy fer my oral eggzams)
5/28/82: 'The Goat' (found but not good a nuff to leave up on the site)
6/4/82 -- 7/2/82: Meetings wuz sketchy fer a lil while on a counta summer vacayshun
7/9/82: 'Scattered Afternoon Showers'
7/16/82: 'Beyond Tijuana,' a poem writ bout the group, witch i hope i kin find a copy of thisn on a counta how it splains a lot bout the group. i gut a draft of it, but i wish i could find the one i put into a book i give out on my 31st birthdy
7/23/82: no meetin
7/30/82: essay on art n autobiogruffy
8/6/82: 'The Final Solution' (lost)
8/13/82: "Maybe We're All Jews' (lost)
8/20/82: 'Egger'
meanwhile, bud rankin wuz ritin new stories ever week n ye could see whar he wuz a'gittin purty good, a nuff to whar he n i wood take walks n talk bout whut we wuz a'gone do nex, witch twuz generly a trade-off twixt sum kinda job that wood leave ye a nuff time to rite n a job that wood make a nuff money to pay yer bills. we jes dint know how good we dun had it.

ye caint make much of a story outta a bunch of folks that wood git together of a fridy evenin n read stories n poems n novels out loud to each other, but twuz kindly lack the soshul center of the lives of at lease twelve folk, witch everone of em is menchuned in that poem name of 'beyond tijuana' that i writ n read to the group on july 16. heres a lil rundown of em:

[to be continued]

Monday, March 14, 2005

anniversry of buddy don: a lil cellabrayshun

yesterdy wuz bof our weddin anniversry n miz bds birthdy, so we tuck two of our three kids n thar significunt otherns out fer a nice dinner. tuther child is a'livin in tennessee, so he dint git to join us. but still, twuz a time fer countin blessins, witch bein marrd to miz bd is the bes blessin i ever gut.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

pinions of buddy don: a prayer fer our times

the hordes' prayer

our dollar, which art invested,
hollow be thy name
thy kingdom come, thy damage done,
on earth, as it is on wall street
give us this day, our daily profit
and forgive us our debts as we foreclose upon our debtors
lead us not into inflation, but deliver us from loss
for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever!
all men

Friday, March 11, 2005

pinions of buddy don: we dont need a nuther 401k

thats whut thar trine to do with soshul securty: make it into a nuther 401K. we gut ira's n 401k's, so why caint we have sum insurants to go long with it? it has wurked verr well fer 70 years. ye wont git as much cuntrol as ye gut with yer 401k, so whut are ye gittin frum it but a nuther thang to wurry bout?

also, ifn folks is too apathetick to vote, why are they gone be willin to spend all the time n truble it takes to make shore yer investments cum out? i dont wont to spend my time larnin how to game the market. i druther rite.

n thats whut i lack bout soshul securty: i dont half to wurry bout that part of my invesment. i never had to wurry bout that part of my investment. i could concentrate on doon whut god sent me here to do.

in sted, everday i find myself pissed off bout the constant attacks agin our gummint n way of life by the publicans. ach! tiz a nuff, alreddy.

we dont need a nuther 401k!

Thursday, March 10, 2005

pinions of buddy don: lemme git this strate

they kin infiltrate us. heres how thar a'doon it in iraq:
Insurgents Posing as Police Kill Baghdad Officer

By Elizabeth Piper

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Insurgents posing as policemen killed a central Baghdad police chief on Thursday, stopping his truck at a fake checkpoint, asking his name and shooting him while filming the attack, police sources said.

Iyad Nassif, who was traveling to work at Salhiya police station when his vehicle was stopped, was shot dead along with two other policemen.

The U.S.-backed interim government has set up a new police force, army and security service, often trained by foreign instructors, to instil a sense of order in Iraq (news - web sites). But many say for a payment, insurgents can easily penetrate their ranks.
heres how we figgerd they probly dun infiltrated us here:
Spy Agencies Fear Some Applicants Are Terrorists

By Bob Drogin
Times Staff Writer

March 8, 2005

WASHINGTON — U.S. counterintelligence officials are increasingly concerned that Al Qaeda sympathizers or operatives may have tried to get jobs at the CIA and other U.S. agencies in an effort to spy on American counterterrorist efforts.

So far, about 40 Americans who sought positions at U.S. intelligence agencies have been red-flagged and turned away for possible ties to terrorist groups, the officials said. Several such applicants have been detected at the CIA.
heres the skeeriest paragraffs frum that same articull:
Paul Redmond, a longtime CIA officer who works for the counterintelligence office, called it an "actuarial certainty" that spies have infiltrated U.S. security agencies. He warned that, because of efforts since Sept. 11 to more widely share critical intelligence as part of broader reforms, the danger of espionage was growing.

"I think we're worse off than we've ever been," he said.
but we been havin trubles infiltratin them:
The CIA director, Porter J. Goss, last month gave the White House plans to increase by 50% the number of CIA clandestine officers and analysts in an effort to improve intelligence on terrorist groups and the spread of weapons of mass destruction. During his Senate confirmation hearings in September, Goss said the agency would need years to train and deploy enough case officers to meet the current challenge.

"The great bulk of what we need is more than five years out there," he said at the time.

The National Security Agency, the spy service that eavesdrops on communications to collect intelligence, announced plans last fall to hire 7,500 employees over the next five years to push the total NSA payroll to about 35,000. Among those being sought are linguists in Arabic and Chinese, regional analysts, communications signals intelligence specialists and computer experts.
but even tho we mite need sum folks that kin speak arabick n such, lease we kin perteck ourself agin them gays that wonts to hep!:
Military Has Discharged 26 Gay Linguists

Friday, January 14, 2005

SAN FRANCISCO — The number of Arabic linguists discharged from the military for violating its "don't ask, don't tell" policy is higher than previously reported, according to records obtained by a research group.

The group contends the records show that the military — at a time when it and U.S. intelligence agencies don't have enough Arabic speakers — is putting its anti-gay stance ahead of national security.
so lemme git this strate: we caint perteck ourself agin bein infiltrated by our enemies n we dont have a nuff folk that kin even speak thar langwage, so to perteck ourself, we git rid of the gay folks that kin.

so heres whar im havin truble gittin thangs strate: dint jesus know bout gay folks whenever he wuz here cunductin his ministry? n ifn he did, why dint he splain how we aint spozed to give em equal treetment nor let em translate fer us nor let em marry? wuz he too distracted by all that stuff bout how whenever ye hep the poorest n lowliest folks, yer heppin him?

thank god lucky fer us, we have a gummint that knows the parts jesus dun left out!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

treetment of buddy don: nuther visit to the ackupunkchurist

yesterdy evenin i had my thurd visit to soho herbs n ackupunkchur. twuz the furstn i had since i larnt how to take them erbs n gut to whar i bleeve i been 'cured' of them migraines. turnt out yesterdy wuz a good test fer it on a counta how twuz 55 n spranglack in the mornin but blowin snow in hard winds n temps droppin tords 10 degrees f. twuz a verr steep drop in barometrick presshur, witch befor them erbs wood mean twuz time to take my zomig or hug the toilet.

so ye kin jes bet how the mane guy at soho erbs n ackupunkchur frank butler wuz verr happy to see how much better i dun gut. he could see it, witch mos everbidy who knows me has sed the same thang bout how differnt i am now.

but the reason fer todays post is to splain whut frank butler thanks i had n whut he dun to fix it. fer one thang, tiz a verr differnt a proach to medicin in the east frum that ye gut in the west. in the west the ast bout yer symptums, but dont ast bout yer reglar way a'bein. but the easturn a proach is to ast nuthin bout yer symptums but everthang bout he ye live. i dun splaind that a few posts ago.

so the way they splain whut they dun to fix me is also a lil differnt frum whut i been told by my westurn docters, witch them westurn docters talk bout beta blockers n food triggers n weather triggers n how we dont know near as much bout migraines as we wood need to know to solve em fer good. lots a talk bout capillaries in the head n halo effecks n how ye caint do nuthin but treat the symptums n ride em out. but in tcm (tradishunull chinese medicin), they dont talk bout nun of that. they take yer pulse on both sides n make sevrull notes bout the differnts. they look at yer tongue. they stick needles in ye n give ye a good massage. n they give ye them erbs.

so las nite, after i had dun had them needles in me, i cum out n frank wonted to talk bout whut he dun to fix me, witch wuz he give me a recipe of erbs thats over 2,500 years ole! n whut he wuz a'treatin wuz sumthin lack ... the flu! he sed sum kinda way i gut 'a flu' n never did git it cumpletely cured so it could cum back over n over agin whenever my bidy let down its deefentses. the erbs wuz to cure me of that. turns out i wont half to take them erbs ferever, but jes long a nuff to git that 'flu' outta me.

frank could see i wuz havin a lil truble bleevin twuz 'the flu' so he tole me i needed to thank bout it lack twuz a metafor. tiz a way of lookin at the illness. (did sumbidy tell im how i luv to use metafor to splain thangs my ownself?)

innywho, i dont keer how tiz splaind on a counta how tiz wurkin. after i lef soho erbs, i had to git my nex weeks supply of erbs, witch that meant walkin in the blowin snow up to grand street n kamwo erb n tea cumpny. ye caint git a cab when the weather is awfull, so i walked n it tuck me near half a hour to walk a lil over a mile.

but twuz wurth it. i jes finishd cookin my herbs fer the day. sum say the taste is terrbull, but ima gittin to lackin it! cheers (i wont waste slainte on innythang but scotch!)

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

pinions of buddy don: true christianity is only fer the crazy

i wuz thankin bout a cuple thangs this mornin as i refleck on the issue before the spreme cort bout whuther them ten commandments should be putt into publick places.

one thang wuz bout my fambly histry, witch a bunch of em wuz frum scotland n thus calvinist presbyteryuns, witch they dint take kindly to the king of englund commandin em to start usin the church of englund's book of common prayer. fack is, they wuz so obstinutt bout it, king charles had sum of em killt by removull of thar head frum thar bidy, witch lucky fer me, elijah duncan had sense a nuff to send his son john to amurka on a counta bein askeerd john wood be killt too ifn he stayed. so that child cum to amurka bleevin twernt the place of the gummint to do nuthin to make one relijun or a nuther the one everbidy has to practiss, witch thats the kinda eggsperients that led to the separayshun of church n state.

nuther thang has to do with my bruther eli. as i splained in whut i dun writ of life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly, eli is a crazy, pairannoyed scizofrenick cunsidderd 100% disabulled by the VA, witch that means he gits his livin mailed to im twicet ever munth n gits his medicayshun n docterin fer free.

ye could git in a slew of fuss n fites with folks over whuther hes really crazy. he claims he gut the label of crazy whenever he gut in truble in the army fer ritin sum 'unpublishabull jurnalism,' witch i dint even know thay wuz such a thang. he wuz sent to walter reed n they give im electro-shocks to fix im up, but no matter whut they dun, he woodnt quit sayin he bleeved in demons on a counta how thar in the bible.

innywho, lack i sed, whut gut me to thankin bout them two thangs is how the spreme cort is cunsidderin whuther them ten commandments should be diss played in publick bildins n such. mr scalia has dun pointed out how them commandments aint no seckular part of our cultchur but proof all gummint is authorized by god.

thays sum that caint see innythang rong with doon this on a counta how seems lack they wood be rite thar with king charles ifn he happend to be backin thar brand of relijus bleef. seems lack a terrbull thang to do to deescendents of folk that cum here to be able to practiss thar relijun without no gummint backin one way a'doon it over a nuthern.

but eli claims he kin splain it all verr simply. problem is how ye half to be crazy to be a true christchun. whenever he furst tole me that, i objeckted, so he splained it as follers, witch ifn ye dont lack readin the ravins of the crazed, dont read the nex paragraffs.

'furst thang they gut rong, bud, is the idee that the battle twixt good n evil kin be fought on sum battle field. taint a material battle, bro, but a spiritchul one. ifn it twere a battle of arms on a battlefield, then whenever satan give jesus a chants to run the worl n fix all its flaws, jesus wooda tuck im up on it. jesus wuz showin that ifn ye do that, yer makin a deal with the devil, witch jesus showed us all how to reack to that kinda temptayshun by refusin, even ifn it meant he wood half to die a gruesum death. the problem is that folks has got thar focus on the rong worl, witch thonly one that matters is the nextn.

'no, bud, the battlefield twixt good n evil is the soul of ever sangle man. aint no man all good, witch thats splained in the bible, romans 3:23 whar it sez "all men have sinned, and come short of the glory of god." that includes ever politishun, ever king, ever mullah, ever pope, in fack ever person that ever lived. thar all sinners n gods real battle is fer thar soul. tiz a simple matter to figger out whuther a person is winnin the battle by lookin at thar fruits. do thar ackshuns reesult in more people bein dead? do thar ackshuns show how they understand how all men have sinned n thay aint folks thats all good or all evil? no, thay aint no battlefield whar ye kin fite fer god by a'carryin the weppons of man. fack is, jesus sed ifn ye live by the sword, ye a'gone die by it.'

lack i sed, eli is crazy, so ye dont half to take nuthin he sez all that serious. heres a lil list of sum tuther thangs he bleeves:
  • one of them ten commandments sez how ye aint spozed to make no images, witch heres how it runs (exodus 20:4):
    Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
    eli is so crazed to whar he thanks god wuz talkin bout innythang atall, even a graven image of them ten commandments!
  • ye caint luv god but live fer money on a counta how ye kin only worship one thang, n ye kin tell witchn ye worship by yer fruits n how ye ack. ifn yer spendin mos of yer time frettin over money, gettin n spendin n wurryin bout yer investments n sacrificin time with yer fambly sos ye kin make more, then thars whar yer hart is n ye wont have no chants to make it into the kingdum of heaven. 'folks that goes fer money gits thar reeward in this worl, bud, so they aint gut nuthin cummin to em in the nex.'
  • he bleeves that jesus meant whut he sed whenever he claimed ye should turn tuther cheek if sumbidy strikes ye, witch we dun prooved how that aint true on a counta then the terrst wood win. corse, ye gut to member how eli is crazy n thanks thonly thang that matters is the nex worl n whut yer spozed to do in this worl is resist doin evil or returnin evil with innythang but luv. he add mitts tiz a hard thang to do, witch he advises folks to pray fer strangth.
  • he bleeves the devil has cuntrol over this worl n ifn ye git grate power, tiz on a counta the devil lettin ye have it.
  • he thanks ye dont need to go to no church but that jesus meant it whenever he said (matthew 18:20), 'For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.' hes so crazed to whar he thanks all ye need do is git sumbidy to gather with ye in the name of christ n thar jesus his verr ownself will be. ifn that wuz true, whar wood churches git thar bizness?
  • he bleeves all that stuff bout judge not lest the judgment ye mete out be the judgment ye git. he claims true faith wood mean letting god even the score on a counta he knows everthang n has plenty of time to set thangs rite in the nex worl. he sed jesus wuz trine to show us how that wurks when he cum upon a bunch of folk that wuz a'gone stone a prostitoot to death n he sed the person without no sin could cast the furst stone, but the bible dun splained how thay aint nobidy with no sin. eli ackshly thanks folks should have faith in the bible the claim they bleeve in.
  • likewise, he claims tiz evil n rong to eggzecute innybidy, that it shows a lack of faith in god to mete out proper punishment. lack i sed, he is crazy, so ye dont have to bleeve nun of this ifn ye dont wont to.
  • he bleeves ye orta give all yer money to them thats less wurthy, witch he duz jes that with his n it means sum times we gutta hep im out.
  • last of all, he bleeves all them ten commandments is spozed to be observed as writ, with no footnotes!
corse, eli is in good cumpny on a counta how the atheist flossofer friedrich nietzsche sed 'god is dead. the christchun god is unwurthy of bleef.' in fack, seems lack them thats in power bleeves whut nietzsche had to say on a counta how nietzsche figgerd the christchun god wuznt wurthy of bleef on a counta how jesus preeched a pacifist relijun that dint support war nor the idee of power n mite determinin whuts rite n whuts rong.

witch we know much better now! we dun made us a modern n more ackceptabull image of a warlike christ that even nietzsche could bleeve in.

Monday, March 07, 2005

treetment of buddy don: indignuhtees of gittin ole

whenever i went to see the gp fer my yearly fizzicull exam he tole me to have a colonscopey dun, witch tiz a perceedure whar they stick a scope up in yer colon n take a look. hez been a'tellin me to go fer a few years now, ever since i turnt 50, but i been takin the referull paper home n lettin it find the bottom of a pile of papers n then never gittin round to usin it.

this year i figgerd i needed to give it a try on a counta how them migraines has made me suffer. my idee is that mayhap i kin avoid sum other kinda suffrin.

sides that, i gut a lil reeminder to git it dun this year when one of the fellers that wurks fer me had his dun n wuz sprized whenenver they found three inch long thangs name of pollups a'growin inside im. they cut em out n dont thank they wuz canceruss.

but whenever he tole me the deetails, it give me a lil skeer. i thought bout how my own daddy woodnt go see no docter to suss out whut wuz rong with im till twuz too late n i my ownself wuz mad at im fer bein so hard-hedded. how could i let that referrull paper go unused this year?

i called back in januwairy to ast when could i git my own colon scoped n turnt out today wuz the furst day they had. they lack to do em on mundy on a counta how ye caint eat nuthin the day befor n ye gut to take sum laxativ to clean ye out to whar that scope kin see yer colon n mayhap sniff out inny pollups or whutever.

i dint real eyes how severe twood be, but i figger tiz a good thang on a counta taint bad to clean yer hole sistem out now n then. they tole me to use one of them fleet prep kits, witch they gut em three parts toot:
  1. a lil jar of awfull tastin stuff name of 'phosopho-soda', witch ye take a tablespoon in 8 ounces of water three times in twenty mints
  2. sum tiny lil orange pills name of 'bisacodyl tablets', witch ye take them roun nine of a evenin
  3. wurst of all, a spository, witch im spozed to use that a hour before i leeve out fer the docters
i dint have nuthin but a hole lotta water n a lil orange juice n more water n sum of that awfull tastin stuff n more water n them pills yesterdy n as ye mite speck, im powerfull hungry now.

as ye mite magin, twernt easy to sleep lass nite. i had to git up so much to whar i caint figger whuts left fer that spository to git. but i reckon twill be over soon n tiz sumthin ye gut to git used to: the indignuhtees of gittin ole. my daddy used to say, 'son, ye git a new sprize frum yer body ever year frum bout the age of 35 on. thay aint good n thar permanent.' he lacked to list the possubillties. could be a lil ache or pain, could be yer hair a'fallin out or yer hearin goin bad or ye mite could need glasses or could be how hair cummences to grow out yer nose n yer ears n all over yer back or ye name it.

i dont take quite that view of thangs n bleeve thays lots to luv bout gittin ole (speshly the part bout not dyin yet), but even i half to add mitt how tiz a rude sprize frum gittin ole whenever ye larn ye only gut a choice twixt (1) lettin a stranger stick a scope up yer butt, (2) dyin early on a counta sumthin that coulda been found ifn only ye had let a stranger stick a scope up yer butt, or (3) gittin a bad injury of sum kind on a counta lettin sum stranger stick a scope up yer butt.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

treetment of buddy don: whut the docter sed

as ye mite member, i went to see dr mauskop yesterdy to talk bout them migraines. i made the pointment before i had tride them chinese erbs n ackupunkchur, so i dint know i mite coulda found the anser. fack is, we had us a cuple huge weather changes in the past four days, but i aint had no ill effecks atall.

innywho, dr mauskop tole me he could give me botox in my scalp, witch he claims a'doon this four times a year kin keep them migraines away frum ye. taint my kinda treetment, tho. he sed thay aint nuthin rong with keepin on with the erbs fer as long as they wurk, but ifn they dont, hes reddy with the botox. he also give me perscripshuns fer more zomig n fer syringes to injeck to stop vomitin ifn it should start agin (ragalan?).

finely, heres the migraine diary i tuck to the docter, witch ye kin see how them migraines has been a'gittin wurser n a'cummin more often. but them erbs is amazin n so far, they been a'wurkin lack a charm.

buddy don's migraine diary
1. Sunday, 3/28/2004: I didn't make many notes about this one, but at the time, I'd just had the first (and only) migraine that featured head pain instead of nausea.

2. Saturday, 9/18/2004: First of the migraines I got from eating canned soup from Bahr's Landing. Normally, we make our own soup, but because we like this restaurant, when we saw it had a brand of soup, we bought it. Took zomig and slept all day.

3. Monday, 10/4/2004: Another Bahr's Landing migraine. Took zomig and slept all day.

4. Monday -- Wednesday, 10/18/2004 -- 10/20/2004: three days of migraines, all caused by Bahr's Landing soup, each migraine seeming to start anew in the morning. Took zomig and I slept deeply each time. Called Dr. Mauskop during the third one. He explained that I had done something different, eaten soup in a restaurant or out of a can, something that had MSG or other artificially flavoring. He read me a list of items, which I repeated to my wife who was looking at the ingredients on the can, one of which Dr. Mauskop listed.

5. Sunday, 11/14/2004: Sunday migraine. Weather changes? Took zomig and slept all day.

6. Sunday, 11/21/2004: Sunday migraine. Weather changes? Took zomig and slept all day.

7. Saturday, 11/27/2004: Saturday migraine. My wife predicted it would happen based on the weather changes that were on the way, radical swing from warm to cold and breezy. Took zomig and slept all day.

8. Saturday -- Sunday, 12/18/2004 -- 12/19/2004: Weekend migraine lasting two days. Noticed I was very tender headed on Friday, 12/17/2004. Took zomig and slept all day each day.

9. Monday -- Tuesday, 12/20/2004 -- 12/21/2004: I was a little shaky but trying not to admit I was having a migraine when I returned to work, but by midday, I was too nauseous to work and went home. Took zomig and slept all afternoon. Took it again on Tuesday and slept all day.

10. Thursday, 1/6/2005: Woke with migraine symptoms but wondered if that meant a migraine would come no matter what. If I take zomig, I lose the day, so I thought I would see if the opening symptoms always lead to a migraine. Made it until 1 PM before going home with nausea. Took zomig and slept all afternoon. Shortly after this, called to request an appointment with Dr. Mauskop; first available date was 2/28/2005.

11. Sunday, 1/16/2005: Sunday migraine. I was tender headed on Saturday. Vomited for 16 hours (5 AM to 9 PM). Took zomig twice, but it had no effect. The migraine finally broke when I took a shower.

12. Monday -- Wednesday1/24/2005 -- 1/26/2005: Three day migraine from weather changes. Took zomig early each day and slept most of day. Could not get the migraine to "click off" at the end of the first two days.

13. Friday -- Thursday, 2/12/2005 -- 2/17/2005: Worst migraine yet, lasting 6 days. Fri (2/11) weather changed from warm and still to cold and windy.
Sat tender head.
Sun took medicine to avoid vomiting and worst symptoms.
Mon, took medicine @ 5 AM before vomiting, but it had no effect; vomited 13 hours; took double medicine but it had no effect. Eventually (at about 6 PM) I took a shower (my fifth, since I tried to get the attack to stop by taking a shower all day long), which finally broke the spell.
Attempted to work on Tuesday, but was sent home vomiting.
Got an appointment for Wednesday at 10 AM with Dr. Pitaro. He referred me to an acupuncturist, Frank Butler of Soho Herbs and Acupuncture. Saw Frank that day and had first acupuncture. Had herbs delivered to my home, arriving 2/21/2005. Couldn't properly "cook" them Monday or Tuesday, but acquired a pot and the right method on Tuesday evening when I had my second acupuncture session.

14. Tuesday, 2/22/2005: Migraine (weather?) with nausea. Took zomig twice, slept much of day, went for acupuncture (with my wife along to keep me from falling asleep).

On Wednesday morning, I finally learned how to cook the herbs and took them. Thursday was the first good day this year. Friday was even better. For the first time in months, I don't feel as if I could slip into a migraine at almost any moment.