Friday, December 31, 2004

resolushuns of buddy don: resolved not to resolve

tiz that time of year when ye git the temptayshun to make yer life better, witch ifn ye foller that much, ye git to the point whar ye promiss, sumtimes in a public forum, bout how yer a'gone quit eatin the rong foods n start extercisin n readin good books n goin to church n yew name it. tiz the fashun to make them resolushuns n then keep em fer mayhap three or four weeks n then go back to livin lack normal.

so i wont be makin no resolushuns to speak of ceptn to give thanks all year long fer the minny times god has proved he luvs the undeservin by blessin me. as proof, heres ten of the blessins frum 2004:
  1. gut the luv of my life in my wife, witch she dun gut to wurkin out n reshapin her bidy without a'makin no resolushun atall (n the results is stunnin!)
  2. gut a grate son n two grate step-children, witch the bes news of the year is how each of em has found luv with sum of the bes folks i ever gut to meet
  3. thay wuznt no death in the fambly this year, tho thay wuz a marrg
  4. i made it thru a nuther year on my job
  5. gut a new migraine docter who has been hepful even ifn thays lots left to be figgerd out bout how to avoid the nextn
  6. our bildin is goin frum rental to condo in mid-januwary, witch we hope to by the one we live in
  7. them vols is playin on new years day
  8. new york (n the hole united states) dint git a nuther terrist attack
  9. drunk my furst sangle malt scotch
  10. n thays minny more blessins i caint thank of rite now, witch one of em is how im glad we aint invaded no more cuntries!
me n miz bd will be spendin this evnin together, witch tiz a grate blessin that happens mos ever day. our prayers are with them in south asia thats trine to recover frum that tsunami, witch tiz more than yer mind kin hold to thank of such a thang a'happenin n tiz a gigantick blessin that it dint happen in the atlantick (witch it could happen mos innywhar).

thankee fer droppin by now n then. may yer new year be yer bestn ever!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

pinions of buddy don: intelligents failyer

the bombin in mosel wuz a suicide bombin made possibull by the superior intelligents of the insurgents over the intelligents we have. them insurgents has dun infiltrated iraqis on our side. on a counta how they kin speak bof our langwage n thars n we kin only speak ourn, they git to know jes bout everthang we gut planned n we dont git to know much of nuthin bout who they are, whar they are, nor whut they gut planned.

we dun had so minny intelligents failyers with them weppons of mass distruckshun n ties to al qaeda that dint pass the reality test that ye mite could thank we wood do sumthin bout it, but no matter whut we do, twill be too late for our troops thats dun alreddy dyin fer not havin it.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

mizry of buddy don: nuther day lost to migraines

i dint wurk yesterdy on a counta havin a nuther migraine. this year has been a verr hard one fer migraines, maybe the wurst yet fer me. thangs seemed to be a'goin good after i met dr mauskopf on march 2. i started takin the medicine he give me n dint have much in the way of migraines till the season changed. ye mite could spot a patturn in these migraines:
  • march 28: all day sundy migraine
  • september 18: all day saturdy migraine
  • october 4: mundy migraine, missed wurk
  • october 18-20: mundy till wendsdy migraines, witch dr mauskopf sed twuz artifishull flaver in canned soup that caused the problem (n i dont eat nothin lack that no more)
  • november 14: all day sundy migraine, no vomitin
  • november 21: all day sundy migraine, vomited ever 20 minutes frum 5 am till 9 pm; attack stopped when i tuck a shower, but that never wurked agin
  • november 27: saturdy migraine, witch miz bd had perdickted i wood git one on a counta how the weather changed
  • december 18-19: i started gittin symptums of thisn on fridy n tuck the medicine early, but the migraine wuz wurser on saturdy; by sundy, it seemed lack twuz gone, so i went to wurk on mundy
  • december 20-21: by 1 pm mundy, folks that wurks fer me wuz splainin how i looked as awful as i felt, so i went home; woke up sickern a dog in bout midnite n dint hardly sleep agin till i had to add mitt i wuz sick n tuck my medicine n slept almos all day
so i git back to wurk today n hope i dont git no more migraines this year. i have a pointment fer a full physicull on january 7 n after that, i go back to dr mauskopf to see ifn we caint find sumthin that wurks better.

thang that gits me is how ye caint even be shore tiz migraines thats doggin me. i wuz readin daddys diary tuther day (on the anniversary of his death) n i wuz sprizd by how he dint know whut he had even four weeks befor he died, witch he died frum complicayshuns that started with panchreatick cancer.

i sed sumthin bout readin that to mamma n she cumplained bout how daddy had dun hid most of his symptums. i ast her whut symptums did she mean? she sed he gut to whar he wood vomit all day only he dint let her know till he started turnin yeller, witch by then twuz too late.

i caint hep but hope im on a differnt path.

Monday, December 20, 2004

migraines of buddy don: tiz the season

tiz a sign of how thangs is when ye go thru a weekend of migraines n all ye kin thank to say is how grateful ye are that twuz on a weekend n not durin the week on a counta tiz too deepressin to miss wurk.

on fridy, me n my irish friend tuck the toys fer tots we had colleckted over to drop em off. on the way back, i noticed how the top of my head wuz so tender ye mite could wunder did i scrape it? turnt out to be the beginnin of a weekend migraine sesshun, witch me n miz bd gut to oberve a lot bout how they wurks.

mane thang is, when ye feel that tenderness on yer scalp, yer already in the middle of it.

looks lack tiz a seasonal thang fer me. i dint have a sangle migraine frum march 8 till september 24, but since then, seems lack i dun had one a week. we keep a'gittin crazy weather, n miz bd jes tole me looks lack migraine a cummin in on me jes in time fer christmus. lease i wont miss no wurk!

Friday, December 17, 2004

good times of buddy don: lettin the boss take us to keens

we wuz all a lil sprized n disappointed to larn our boss is a'gone leave the city n go back to californy, witch hes gut real good fambly reasons fer it, but ye hate to lose a good boss.

fack is, he deecided to take me n my irish friend to dinner at keens. shows ye whut a good boss he is. innywho, me n my irish friend deecided we woodnt let him pay fer dinner on a counta he wont be with us much longer. so we tole him we had a lil stop to make at park avenue likker befor we gut to keens but we wood meet him thar.

once we gut settled into seats in our favert room, my irish friend give the waiter a $20 bill n ast him wood he do us a favor, witch we wonted to pay fer the evenin rite up frunt. we also wonted him or sumbidy to cum out whenever our boss ast fer the check n ast wuz he joe blow (made up name)? then he wuz spozed to say a cuple other thangs.

once we had dun tuck keer of that, we gut down to the bizness of tastin sum scotch we hadnt never had befor: bowmore 30 year n lagavulin 12 year (why duz lagavulin 12 year cost so much moren lagavulin 16?) n sume bruichladdich 1984 vintage. they wuz all wonderful, speshly the lagavulin (fer me) n the bowmore (fer my irish friend).

bout the time we had drunk our scotch, our boss showed up, we orderd dinner, had good talk n yew name it. our boss had brung a bottle of sautern, so fer deesert we had a cheese platter n killd the wine. twuz rite nice, a purrfeck endin to a grate evenin.

then over cum the manger of the place to our boss.

'Joe? Joe Blow?' (ye could see the look of cuncern on our boss's face on a counta he figgerd it had to be a call frum his wife bout sum problem. even so, he add mitted to bein the joe blow in questchun.

'We understand you are leaving town, going to California.'

'What? How would you know --'

'Sir, Keens has an offer to make. If you truly will leave town and promise never to return, there will be no charge for the meal.'

'What? I don't know if I can promise that.'

'OK. You can come back for vacations or visits, but not to live, OK?'


by then, we wuz all laffin n he had to add mitt how we had turnt his sprize fer us into a sprize fer him.

twuz a moment ever bit as deelishus as that lagavulin 12 year!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

medicull practices of buddy don: keep a clean nose

my good friend jgb over at geekman wuz a'tellin me bout feelin them cold symptums, so i couldnt resist a'tellin him bout sumthin miz bd discuverd fer us a cuple years ago, witch tiz a lil deevice name of a rhino horn. ye mite coulda herd bout it as a neti pot.

ifn ye foller them lanks, ye a'gone find out how tiz a cuntainer fer water n salt that ye fill up n pore thru yer nostrils n sinuses. furst time ye try it, ye git junk out that coulda been thar fer years.

but heres the best thang bout it: ever since we gut started a'usin it, we aint neethur one of us had no colds. tuther week i woke up with that feelin in my throat that generly means a cold is on its way, so i tuck that rhino horn n loaded it with a lil salt n warm water n even a lil zinc stuff they gut to hep fite off colds n infeckshuns n such. nex thang ye know, that feelin wuz gone n i dint git no cold.

i aint sayin i wont never git no colds agin, but so far, this is the best way of avoidin em i ever found. ye mite wonta try it yer ownself!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

pinions of buddy don: how absoloot moralty becums relativ

one of the arguments i have red in letters to the editor n sum of the pundits is how them with moral values understands how thays a moralty that is not relativ, that is absoloot n never changin.

ye mite could thank yer bible wood fall under that category, but ifn ye have to judge minny of them with moral values by the biblicull injunkshun that 'by their fruits shall ye know them,' then ye gut to wunder whuther sum of them absoloots aint more relativ than not after all. tuther day, i writ a lil piece bout them ten commandments whar i tride to figger how they apply in this modern worl. it tuck more footnotes than commandments n i doubt if i coverd everthang.

so i gut to wunderin bout some of them other absoloots lack the prohibishun agin usury, witch thats lendin money fer intrest. tiz cundemned more times than homosexualty in the bible. ye kin read bout it in Exodus (22:25):
If thou lend money to any of my people that is poor by thee, thou shalt not be to him as an usurer, neither shalt thou lay upon him usury.
. . . in Leviticus (25:37):
Thou shalt not give him thy money upon usury, nor lend him thy victuals for increase
. . . in Deuteronomy (23:19):
Thou shalt not lend upon usury to thy brother; usury of money, usury of victuals, usury of any thing that is lent upon usury
. . . in Psalms (15:5):
He that putteth not out his money to usury, nor taketh reward against the innocent. He that doeth these things shall never be moved
. . . n thays this longer account of it in Ezekiel (18:4-9):
Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.

But if a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right,

And hath not eaten upon the mountains, neither hath lifted up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, neither hath defiled his neighbour's wife, neither hath come near to a menstruous woman,

And hath not oppressed any, but hath restored to the debtor his pledge, hath spoiled none by violence, hath given his bread to the hungry, and hath covered the naked with a garment;

He that hath not given forth upon usury, neither hath taken any increase, that hath withdrawn his hand from iniquity, hath executed true judgment between man and man,

Hath walked in my statutes, and hath kept my judgments, to deal truly; he is just, he shall surely live, saith the Lord GOD
we kin ignore sum of them other absoloots frum this quote that has dun gone over to the relativ side of thangs, yer eatin on the mountains, yer raisin yer eyes to the idols of israel, yer cummin near a menstruatin woman, yer not oppressin inny, yer spoilin nun by violence -- ye kin ignore all these on a counta aint nobidy trine to claim thays still absoloot. fack is, ye gut to:
  • eat on moutains ever so often
  • spoil thisn or thatn by violence (collateral damage is the modern term fer such spoilage)
  • oppress folks now n then (fer thar own good)
  • lie down with yer menstruatin wife ifn ye dont wont her to move out on ye
thang is, the church n christians in generul used to bleeve that twuz a sin to lend fer intrest n fer minny a centry they kept sum jews round the royal famblies of europe sos they could git a loan ever so often.

but times changed n twuz only natcherull how folks wood real eyes yer sin of usury had dun gone frum absolut to relativ moralty, movin frum bein a sin to bein a good way to make a livin. tiz progress fer yer usury! taint no abominayshun no more! taint even much of a sin!

ifn ye need proof, thays this story that cum out in the new york times tuther day, witch ye half to pay to read thar version, but ye kin read bout it in the ocala star banner whar they call it Seeking Quick Loans, Soldiers Race Into High-Interest Traps now thay aint no doubt bout how them with moral values wonts to support them troops, so ye know they woodnt sin agin em ifn twuz still a sin to lend em money fer intrest.

oh i almos fergut bout how they gut this lil sin moved frum absoloot to relativ moralty. they dun it manely by claimin that the absoloot sin of usury wuznt agin intrest but agin chargin too much. but tiz still a puzzle on a counta how, ifn ye read that aritcull bout lendin to our troops, ye git rates as hi as 650% per year.

aint it grate how when sum ole fashund absoloot moralty gits in the way, ye kin jes make it relativ -- n charge whutever the traffick will bear?

no doubt god his ownself looks upon this n add mires us fer how smart we kin be. shorely even he woodnt want no relijun with no absoloot values n moralty to git in the way or makin a livin offn our troops, wood he?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

pinions of buddy don: amblin thru the preamble

thays this document that everbidy orta read a time or two. heres a bit of it, witch i speck ye kin spot whut tiz:
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
lets make a lil bullet point list of whut our constitushun is spozed to do fer us:
  • form a more perfect union
  • establish Justice
  • insure domestic Tranquility
  • provide for the common defence
  • promote the general Welfare
  • secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourserves and our Posterity
i lack that lil list a lot, but here lately, seems lack we been livin by thisn insted:i reckon everthang changes, mayhap fer the better? mayhap not.

Monday, December 13, 2004

pinions of buddy don: borryin trouble n payin too much interst

rumor has it that the soshul securty sky is fallin now on counta how tiz a'gone be a bit short by eethur 2042 (mr bush's soshul securty commishun) or 2052 (gao): ifn we dont do nuthin, twill only be able to pay about 80% of current benefits. to keep it fully solvent till the 22nd centry, twood take a whoppin 0.54% of the GDP, or roughly whut wood be paid in ifn thay wuznt no limit on when ye git to quit payin or less than we are payin to defend ourself agin osama bin laden n al qaeda over in iraq, witch at the moment ye git outta payin payroll taxes fer soshul securty on incum over $87,500.

tiz obvious we a'gone half to fix thisn, mayhap the way we dun with falluja: wipe it out so sumthin better kin be bilt.

but since we dont have no smart bombs to go after the most successful fedrul program ever, we a'gone half to git creative with our math: mayhap tiz whut is ment by fuzzy math? lets count up the savins!
  1. now it costs us 1/10th as much to add minister as twood ifn the private program wuz run frum a central locayshun (lack the gummint) or 1/30th as much as twood cost to add minister ifn wall street firms gits to add minister the funds individually: addin in these costs will make it last longer, rite?
  2. then ye gut the cost of payin the benefits to them folks thats dun retired while yer puttin the money that wood normally pay fer them into private accounts fer whenever they retire: say twood cost a trillion or two.
  3. corse, ye gut to pay interst on the $1-$2 trillion
so lets add it all up:
  1. gittin ss to last till end of century with no private accounts:

    cost = current costs + .54% of GDP + cost of add ministrayshun

  2. gittin ss to last till end of centry with private accounts:

    cost = current costs + ($1-$2 trillion + interest on $1-$2 trillion) + (cost of add ministrayshun * 10 or 30, accordin to witch program is used)
now i aint no eggspurt on fuzzy math, but tiz purty clear that we cum out ahed a'usin the secunt method as long as the market keeps a'gone up bettern it has ever dun yet even ifn price to earnings ratios indicate thays gut to be a correckshun at sum point . . . sooner or later, wurser ifn tiz later.

here's my questchun: will we be allowd to opt outta the new fuzzy math program n keep thangs as they are fer now n still git our benefits?

that way, them that wonts to risk thar money in the stock market kin doot while those of us who member how the widespread losses in the stock market back in the 20s led to the deepreshun in the 30s that led to the soshul securty bein created in the furst place -- well, woodnt we be allowd to keep usin the program as is?

or wood we be forced into takin the freedum to invest in stocks?

Friday, December 10, 2004

pinions of buddy don: thars yer story, josephine

me n miz bd has this friend name of josephine, witch she wurks over at the new york times under her real name n i aint a'gone say whut tiz. innywho, whenever she furst gut the job, she wuz coverin foreign events n such, so she pitched em a idee bout a story on dagestan, witch twuz the center of a lotta fitin n terrists n such. she wuz told the story woodnt be no good on a counta, 'Nobody cares about the stans, Josephine,' witch that meant places lack dagestan, afghanistan, pakistan, woodbe kurdistan n such.

corse, turnt out folks wuz about to start givin lots of thought to them stans, furst as a pop quiz questchun that could fool mr bush befor he wuz presdint, then on a counta how them taliban wood take our $43 million in aid but not give up osama bin laden whenever he gut them folks frum saudi arabia to attack us on 9/11. suddenly everbidy keerd bout them stans.

bein the type that wont give up without a fite, josephine kep rite on suggestin stories bout them stans, even befor 9/11, thangs lack how sum them folks we made into freedum fiters under presdint raygun has turnt n gone over tuther side. meanwhile, ye had them taliban folk deestroyin statues n such, so whenever she wonted to talk bout them freedum fiters a'goin bad, she wuz told bout them statues. basickly whut that tole her wuz, 'thars yer story, josephine.'

fer me n miz bd, them statements has becum household classicks. dependin on the latest news, miz bd mite say, 'nobidy keers bout the stans, josephine.' but our favert is 'thars yer story, josephine.'

innywho, i wuz struck by how whenever that soljer frum tennessee stood up to ast mr rumsfeld why hadnt they been give a nuff armor fer thar vehiculls, mr rumsfeld sed twuznt a matter of money or lack of deesire to make shore our troops have whut they need, but twuz a matter of physicks.

bout as quick as i herd that, i sed, 'thars yer story, josephine' on a counta how i dint know befor that bout thar bein sumthin in physicks to keep ye frum bildin moren 400 of them trucks a munth. seems to me lack that sez lots bout physicks that i dint know befor n woodnt that be big news?

but thay wuznt hardly nuthin sed bout it in the news, not even in the new york times, so i figgerd mayhap twuz a simple matter: physicks wuz on the run n faith wuz on the march on a counta who needs physicks ifn ye gut faith to tell ye everthang ye need to know? could be that aint news to most folks n i wuz jes not payin proper tenchun.

but turnt out physicks wuznt a hole lot easier to beat than mr rumsfeld let on, witch i figgerd thatn out whenever i saw this here story in the boston globe name of Company says vehicle orders waiting for OK. turns out physicks kin be beat after all, but the pentagon hasnt made up thar mind how much they wonta test physicks. so they aint made no order.

but heres yer story, josephine. that thar cumpny claims thay kin beat up physicks to the tune of 550 vehiculls a munth! n they even claim ye could git more ifn sumbidy wood pay fer addishunal perduckshun lines! here's a cuple of thar claims bout how they could beat physics:
Army officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, acknowledged yesterday that they have not approved new purchase orders for armored trucks, despite the company's readiness to produce more. They said the Pentagon has been debating how many more armored Humvees are needed.

Rumsfeld, questioned by soldiers in Kuwait on Wednesday who said they have had to pick through landfills for scrap metal to boost vehicle protection, said the Army was working as quickly at it could to get armored Humvees to the front. It is "a matter of physics, not a matter of money," Rumsfeld said, adding that the Army was "breaking its neck." President Bush yesterday reiterated that "the concerns expressed are being addressed."

But executives at Armor Holdings in Jacksonville, Fla., as well as Army officials and members of Congress, said Rumsfeld's assertion that the protective equipment is being provided as quickly as possible is not true and added the company has been waiting for more purchase orders.

"We're prepared to build 50 to 100 vehicles more per month," Robert Mecredy, head of Armor Holdings' aerospace and defense unit, said in a statement. The company is producing about 450 armored Humvees per month, up from 50 in late 2003, when a sudden surge of attacks in Iraq exposed a lack of protective armor.
The company says that by February it could be producing as many as 550 fully armored Humvees per month -- with armor plates on the sides, front, rear, top, and bottom -- if given the go-ahead. The company estimated it would cost the military about $150 million a year to pay for the additional 100 vehicles per month.

The company said it also told the Army it could add new production lines and turn out even more vehicles.

More than half of the roughly 1,200 US soldiers who have died in Iraq have been killed by roadside bombs or in ambushes from rocket-propelled grenades. A lack of armor on thousands of older vehicles has been blamed for many of the deaths.
i reckun tiz a good thang taint physicks a'standin in the way, but that makes me kindly wunder bout a nuther thang: ifn taint physicks a'standin in the way, whut could it be?

thars yer story, josephine!

Thursday, December 09, 2004

pinions of buddy don: have we dun give up the battle fer harts n minds?

back in december of 2003, i writ a lil articull name of ye caint win harts n minds with bullets. twuz my claim then n tiz my claim now that this here battle we been a'fitin over thar in iraq aint one ye win by killin the most nor by deestroyin the most cities n bildins n such. how kin it be ifn we really are serious bout settin up a demockrussy fer em since ifn we aint won thar harts n minds to our side, thay a'gone vote us out, ifn thar allowd to vote however they wont.

now cum this report frum the pentagon sayin how we dun give up inny hope fer winnin harts n minds. ifn ye dont wonta downlode the hole thang, ye kin read bout it in a cuple of articulls:corse, the story aint brand new. here's a articull bout a nuther pentagon report frum a year earlier: Troubling Report from the Pentagon

mayhap condi should read sum bullet points frum these here reports to mr bush on a counta he still thanks they hate us on a counta how we gut freedum n wonta give it to them, whuther they wont it or not. i caint put his wurds inny bettern he dun in that same articull:
Bush declared the Fallujah campaign a success, saying, "We have dealt the enemy a severe blow."

But he warned that troops will see more attacks and, without saying it explicitly, more losses as Iraq's Jan. 30 elections approach.

"The enemies of freedom in Iraq have been wounded, but they're not yet defeated," the president said. "We can expect further violence from the terrorists. ... The terrorists will do all they can to delay and disrupt free elections in Iraq. And they will fail."

Bush promised, as he has repeatedly over recent days, that the elections "will proceed as planned."
tiz good to know everthangs goin accordin to plan!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

pinions of buddy don: ten commandments eggsplained in footnotes

i noticed tuther day how aint hardly nobidy that still bleeves in the ten commandments the way they wuz furst writ. i gut to studyin the matter n cum to real eyes how them commandments is ok fer starters, but to fit the modern day moral values of amurka, they need em a few footnotes, lease eight of em by my count. furst, fer them amung ye thats dun fergot em, here they be, frum exodus chaptur 20, versus 3-17:
  1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.(1)
  2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.(2) Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
  3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.(3)
  4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.(4)
  5. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
  6. Thou shalt not kill.(5)
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
  8. Thou shalt not steal.(6)
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.(7)
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.(8)
    (1) unless said other god happens to be:
    • your country, in which case god shall step aside and let the country be acknowledged first, at least when it is being attacked by some other country or afraid that some other country might someday have the means, motive and opportunity to attack, thus suspending for all combatants any other commandments that might conflict with the needs of the country
    • your company, which you will serve without question so long as you wish to have income from said company, especially if your company is under attack from government regulators, market forces, or competition from other companies, in which case god shall step aside and all other commandments that might conflict with the needs of your company will be suspended so long as your actions are taken in support of said company
    • your fraternity, sorority, country club, investment club, chamber of commerce, elks, masons, or other exclusive organization that requires, for purposes of being accepted or maintaining membership in good standing, participation in actions that might be construed as being in conflict with one or more of the commandments; in such special circumstances, god shall step aside and some or all of the commandments shall be temporarily suspended so that loyalty to the precepts and principles of said fraternity, sorority, country club, investment club, chamber of commerce, elks, masons, or other exclusive organization may be obeyed and respected without concern about or pangs of conscience over any conflict with any commandment that would otherwise have been in effect
    • your party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever so long as said party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever shall be shown to be in competition with any other party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever, under which special circumstances god shall step aside and all conflicting commandments shall be suspended so long as necessary to insure that your party, interest group, lobbyist organization, foundation of experts, or other organization designed to advance any political cause whatsoever can compete
    • any other entity whose membership requirements might in any way be construed to be in conflict with the commandments listed above, in which case god shall step aside and all conflicting commandments shall be suspended so long as necessary to allow you to continue enjoying said other entity
    • money or any other symbol of monetary value, be it stock, bond, option, copyright, patent, trademark, or any other entity, symbol, or thing that could be construed to have monetary value in any known or yet to be discovered universe
    (2) unless said graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth should act as:
    • logo, flag, symbol or representative of any entity described in footnote one
    • image necessary to provide any form of entertainment, be it movie, television, magazine, poster, fine art painting, or any other likeness that could generate income or human interest
    • family memento such as any photo, painting, water color, fingerpaint, or any other likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth so long as said photo, painting, water color, fingerpaint, or any other likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth be something the family, in whole or in part, enjoys, tolerates, or tapes onto a refrigerator
    • anything else that is not any other graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth that anyone wants to use for any purpose whatsoever since the plain fact is that the world no longer needs or respects or has any plan whatsoever to honor this particular commandment
    (3) note that since nobody actually knows god's name any longer, this commandment only applies if someone figures it out again; in other words, this one is a freebie

    (4) unless the purpose of not honoring said sabbath day should involve one or more of the following activities:
    • generating income or pursuing any other activity for any organization covered under footnote (1) above
    • attending sports contests or watching them on tv
    • doing any other thing under which this commandment might be construed as being applicable
    (5) unless said killing is covered under one of the following excuses for killing anyway:
    • collateral damage
    • war
    • execution(s) of individual(s) other humans have judged worthy of death
    (6) unless said theft occurs on a very grand scale, such as gaming the energy grid to generate profits for your company (see footnote (1) above), robbing the pension funds of your company, union, or any other organization with funds you have been entrusted to protect, or otherwise participating in actions that reallocate the funds of those less worthy to your bank account and so long as said theft occurs on a grand scale worthy of enron -- just don't rob a liquor store or remove anyone's hubcaps!

    (7) unless said bearing of false witness should prove useful in any of the following activities:
    • invasion of another country in order to prevent them from using weapons of mass destructions, that is, to prevent them from collaborating with your enemies, rather, that is to bring them freedom and democracy, whether they want it or not
    • persuasion of gullible individuals to make purchases of items they don't need
    • sliming your political opponent, in which case any lie, falsehood, misinterpretation of anything he/she ever said, wrote, or did, or other form of bearing false witness shall lead to god stepping aside and said bearing of false witness allowed
    • anything else that might, if successful, lead to the generation of profit, income, revenue or any other value in this and all other known universes and in any universe yet to be discovered
    (8) unless said coveting leads to working harder to obtain more things and thus make the economy grow.

    Monday, December 06, 2004

    pinions of buddy don: a terrbull dream

    whut a awful dream i had last nite! turnt out iran gut thar bomb made n tested n it jes so happend our hole army wuz all bogged down overn iraq. so we gut israel to go take out sum places in iran whar we thought them iranians had put them new dedly weppons. nex thang i know, i wuz readin a hedline name of worl war three. i woke up in a cold sweat. then i read bout how al qaeda, witch ye mite coulda read how thar dun 75% wiped out, how they dun attacked our consulate in jedda.

    corse, ifn ye caint cuntrol them terrists in a dictatorship lack saudi arabia, whar kin ye cuntrol em? tiz a good thang they dun agreed to sit still fer us to attack em over thar n not cum over here to attack us no more! saves a lotta money we might coulda wasted on dee-fense. tiz a wunder ye kin git terrists to agree to keep the fite over thar, but that jes goes to show ye how them terrists aint nearly as smart as folks give em credit fer, witch i half to add mitt i am glad they stick to thar bargain!

    Friday, December 03, 2004

    pinions of buddy don: tiz payback time!

    i wurk on wall street at one of the bigger firms. lack mos of em, our firm give bushel baskets of money to the bush camp pain, tho thay wuz plenty of individual bankers that give money to the kerry camp pain.

    yesterdy one of my friends at wurk brung me a lil graph he had found showin the incum predickshuns fer our firm once they git to privatizin soshul securty.

    tiz hard to git the math to wurk out (is this whut they mean by fuzzy math?) on a counta rite now, ye dont need to pay no wall street firm nuthin to git yer benefits.

    also, since 1983, we dun been payin in more than it takes to pay the benefits. we wuz tricked into doon this by mr greenspan n mr raygun. the idee wuz that the exter money wood be put into sum kinda trust fund account sos twood be thar whenever the baby boomer retirees needed moren wuz bein paid in by the younger folks.

    but that money wuznt put in no trust fund. twuz used to make the fedrul deficits look lowern thay really is. all we gut fer all that exter taxayshun wuz a bunch of i.o.u.s that the gummint seems to thank it caint pay off.

    so they figger the problem kin be solved by borryin money (at 3%? 4%? 5%?) sos younger folk kin put it into the stock market fer a return (3%? 5%? 7%?) that will let thar money grow n still pay them broker fees (2%? 3%? 5%?).

    so makin the hole program cost more is a'gone make it cost less n save it?

    i add mitt how i caint understand thisn. back in college, my math professor tride to git me to major in math on a counta how he figgerd i had a grate mind fer it, but to me, twuz borin. mayhap ifn i hadda tuck his add vice, i wood understand how increasin a programs costs kin make it cheaper n more profitabull (fer the investor, not the wall street firm).

    so them big banks lack mine is plannin on gittin thar payback fer givin to mr bushs camp pain. us lil ole folks will git reduced benefits. them lil young folks will git to pay exter to put thar money in stocks. aint that the anser? n our gummint kin borry a bunch of money n pertend lack it aint part of the budget, usin creative accountin lack enron showed us wurks so well.

    corse, tiz a verr profitabull plan fer my firm n long as ima wurkin thar, i orta do purty good. but when i retire? ima gone git reduced benefits even tho i been a'payin in fer nigh onto 35 year.

    mayhap they kin git mr frist to splain how ye kin count on the stock market to pay yer bills.

    Thursday, December 02, 2004

    confushun of buddy don: is lying moral now?

    i half to add mitt i am amung the folks in this cuntry that ye mite wonta call 'values challenged' on a counta how i dont understand when yer allowed to be immoral fer sum kinda moral reason.

    kindly reminds me of them arguments back when the communists wuz threatenin to take over the worl. lots of folks who figgerd communism wuz ok wood argue that the abuses of totalitaryun states wuz the means necessary to acheeve a just society with a equitabull distribushun of the wealth. in them days, they argument wuz how 'the ends justifies the means.' twuz attacked by the good guys on our side, ritely so, since ifn yer means wuz evil, yer ends dint matter.

    i musta been asleep whenever that line of argument wuz disproovd on a counta how tiz now ok to use immoralty to support moral ends. fer proof, i offer this articull frum the washington post name of Some Abstinence Programs Mislead Teens, Report Says.

    everbidy knows folks orta not have sex till they git marrd. so thays a bunch of folks that wonts to keep unmarried kids frum knowin how to have safe sex on a counta that mite make em thank twuz ok to have sex befor a'gittin marrd. so the lucky thang is how our nex generayshun dont half to be burdend by understandin how condums really wurk or how safe aborshun is (or not) or how minny young gay folks really has aids.

    good way to cunvints em not to try havin sex is to lie to em. witch i reckun the lie aint as importunt a sin as twuz back whenever it made the top ten fer moses on the ten commandments. now our grate moral leaders have figgerd how tiz wurser to have sex befor yer marrd than tiz to tell lies.

    corse once ye make up yer mind tiz ok to lie fer one good reason, aint no reason not to lie fer two of em, witch everbidy knows how we gut to do sumthin to cunvints folks not to be commitin the murder of aborshun. heres a few of them lies they dun been a'tellin our younguns sos to keep em frum sin:
    • A 43-day-old fetus is a "thinking person."
    • HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be spread via sweat and tears
    • Condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse
    • One curriculum, called "Me, My World, My Future," teaches that women who have an abortion "are more prone to suicide" and that as many as 10 percent of them become sterile. This contradicts the 2001 edition of a standard obstetrics textbook that says fertility is not affected by elective abortion, the Waxman report said
    • Abortion can lead to sterility and suicide
    • Half the gay male teenagers in the United States have tested positive for the AIDS virus
    • Touching a person's genitals "can result in pregnancy"
    everone of them lies has dun been disproovd by the verr same gummint thats payin $170 millions of our tax dollars to tell em.

    i had herd that thar wuz a moralty that wuz absolute, that dint change with time n fashun. i guess at lease one of them ten commandments dint proov out to be part of that absolute moralty.

    taint no wunder how i caint understand moralty n values no more. mayhap sumbidy kin splain it to me? ye kin send me a email of leave a comment. i am verr confusd on thisn. thankee.

    Wednesday, December 01, 2004

    frustrayshun of buddy don: blogger ailments

    i aint gonna spend too much time wurkin on today's post on a counta how blogger is havin troubles. tiz a sprize i gut in finely. ifn i wuz a'gone rite, i wood be ritin bout the insurgentsy in iraq n how whenever ye have a insurgentsy, ye gut to have a populayshun that supports em. ifn ye do, ever time ye attack them insurgents, ye git more. thays two skools of thought on thisn:
    • conservatives bleeve thars a set number of bad guys n once ye git em, yer dun with the insurgentsy. tiz a good theory, but lack lots of theoreticull solushuns to reality-based problems, it dont wurk the way tiz splaind.
    • tuther view is whut libruls tends to bleeve, witch no matter how minny insurgents ye kill, ye still gut more after the killin than ye did befor on a counta how folks aint all good or bad n kin be cunvintsed to swap sides. also, when a cuntry gits invaded, whuther the reasons wuz goodns or not, thays a bunch of local folks that bleeves tiz thar duty to force the invaders to git out n they are willin to put thar lives on the line fer it.
    befor blogger crashes, heres a articull bout one insurgent frum the frunt page of the washington post name of After Fallujah, Son Is Gone but Fervor Remains; Father Who Left Reluctantly Waits to Fight Another Day bout one of them insurgents who bleeves hes doon gods will by defendin his cuntry agin the invaders. tiz a chillin read. ifn yer still avoidin reports frum the reality-based folks, then dont read it!